All language subtitles for Jeff.Dunhams.Last-Minute.Pandemic.Holiday.Special.1080p.WEB.h264-BAE

Ladies and gentlemen,

it�s been eight months
since he�s been onstage,

and every joke tonight
is brand-new

and never tried on any person
or any audience anywhere.

So he�s either
the smartest man in Hollywood

or the dumbest guy
in the country,

which is probably
exactly the same thing.

Please welcome
your pal and mine,

Jeff Dunham!

Thank you so very much.

Wow, look at all you guys.

This is fantastic. You know,
the last time I did a show,

it was in March,
it was in Florida,

and there was 10,000 people.

What the heck happened?

We�re less than 100 now.

You know, the great part
is we all got out

of our houses, right? Yes?

And now we�re in grave danger
of catching something horrible.

So thank you for coming.

But the question is, why are we
here this evening? We�re here because I

want to be. And why do I want to be
here? Because you want to be here.

We�ve gone through a crazy time.
We�re going to get through it.

But it�s the holiday season.
We want to laugh.

We want to be together
with our families

and as a big family right now.

So you ready for some fun?
How about it? Yes?

I�m glad you�re here,
but it has been

a full eight months
since I�ve been on stage.

And I�ve never done that.

Besides my honeymoon,
I�ve never... This is true.

I�ve never gone more than
two weeks without doing a show

since the fifth grade.

So for me, this has been like
going through

some sort of withdrawal.

And about halfway through it,
I finally got so depressed.

I did a show in our living room

for our twin 5 year old boys
and the dog.

Tough crowd,
they just wanted snacks.

But now I can honestly say
this is all brand new,

untried material.

No one has heard
any of these jokes.

I�ve never heard of any comedian
doing this. You know why?

Because nobody else
is stupid enough to try it.

Everyone�s had to cancel stuff,
and we do every year,

you know, stuff we always do
like birthdays, graduations.

But for me the big one was
our ventriloquist convention.

We had to cancel that.
It�s every summer.

It�s always around 600 people

who all share the same interest
in ventriloquism.

Being there, though,
it makes Achmed a little nervous

because he�s used to meeting
only 72 virgins at a time.

Thank you. I�m never going
to be asked back, but whatever.

As for the holidays, it�s gotten
a bit complicated at our house.

You see, my wife
is now completely vegan,

and so I now am by proxy.

Well, she�s the one who cooks.
What am I going to do?

And our 5 year old boys
go along with the vegan thing.

However, I was very proud
of little James the other day

for being honest after he tried

some vegan cheese
that mommy gave him.

Yeah, this is the exact quote
while he was eating the cheese.

"I don�t like it.
It�s killing my body a little."

And of course, we�re home
schooling the boys now.

The teacher�s name is Netflix.

And if we want the boys to read,
we just turn on the subtitles.

Also, we wanted to give our boys

that authentic early years
school experience,

so every morning I shove
their faces in the dirt

and take their lunch money.

And I know it�s recommended
that you play old school games

with the kids
during the quarantine.

But with the vegan thing
in our house,

there�s no duck, duck, goose.

Nope. We play soy, soy, tofu.

Quarantine,
red rover, red rover.

- No one can come over.
- And hide-and-seek is more like "hide and sit down for a while

So I can get
a few damn minutes to myself."

Anyway, enough of that.
You guys ready

for the little people
in the boxes?

Thank you.

Thank you. So the first guy
I�d like to introduce,

I think audiences enjoy because
everyone knows someone like this

in your own family
or where you work.

Please help me welcome
my old friend Walter.

Walter, how are you?

How the hell you think?

Well, you playing it safe
with the mask?

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, I think
I�m about to die though.

Why? I picked up
the wrong damn mask.

- You did?
- Yeah.

This is yours,
and your breath stinks.

Can I take it off?

Please do. And then get yourself
a damn Tic Tac for God�s sakes.

How�s everything else? Oh, it�s just great.

This has been
the best year ever!

Then after all these months,
you told me we were going

to finally
get to do a show again.

- That�s right.
- I was happy.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Then we get here,
and we�re outdoors.

And the size of this audience
makes it look like

we�re doing
a frickin� bar mitzvah

for one of the unpopular kids.

This sucks!

- But we�re outdoors.
- I know!

Do a show, get a tick.

This is a lovely place.

For a birthday party.

Hey, let�s go play
pin the tail on the moron

who decided to do this.

Walter, we�re here
to make people laugh.

Yeah, well, and we�re in the
middle of the terrible pandemic.

So let�s have a chuckle.

People could use a laugh
right now.

I could use some crack
right now.

- Well...
- Outside.

- Yeah.
- No walls.

- Right.
- No curtain.

Yeah, this is Comedy Central

on a budget.

This is a great venue.

You have been quarantined
too damn long.

- Walter...
- This looks like the patrons

had nowhere to go after
a Chuck E. Cheese burnt down.

So what have you been
doing all this time off?

Well, uh, actually, I had
my hips replaced.

Your hips?

- Both knees.
- Really?

Yeah. Had my shoulder replaced.

- I had no idea.
- Yeah.

I�m trying to get out
of my marriage

one body part at a time.

- Don�t you think this is great being on TV? I don�t care.
- My wife and I have been locked up alone in our house

Together for so long,
it�s just a matter of time

before we end up on "Dateline."

How have you been holding up
through all of this?

Well, I just hope you washed
your hand for 20 seconds

before you put it where it is.

Aren�t we supposed
to be six feet apart?

- Well...
- Oh, wait, yes.

We did that. I couldn�t talk.

You can�t throw your voice
a measly six feet?

Yes, I can. Oh,
then I guess my mouth wouldn�t move.

�Cause you couldn�t pull on the
little thingamajig back there.

You�d be like, "Hey, Walter!"

And I�d be like,
"Hey, Lorne. How�s it going?"

So do you wear a mask when you
go to the store and all that?

Sure.

I like the idiots who wear
masks over their mouths,

but not their noses, too.

Dimwits. That�s like wearing
a jockstrap on your knees.[

I mean,
it�s there. But what�s the point?

You know, I read that
medical experts say

people should wear masks
during time of you know...

Oh, come on,
you don�t need a mask.

No, no. You can hold your breath

for 34 seconds.

So how�s everything been going
with your wife?

Oh, we�ve been getting
on each other�s nerves

and fighting all the time.

Sorry to hear that. Yeah.

You mean since the quarantine?

Since our wedding.

Oh.

But we�re staying 6 feet apart.

- What?
- Yeah, it�s the closest

we�ve been in years.

With the pandemic, you know,
we can�t get together

with people
we�re usually around.

Sometimes we can�t visit family.

I know.
Is this thing great or what?

You know, many people say

they�ve put on weight
during the pandemic.

My wife started putting
on weight during the pandemic.

- She did.
- Yeah... of 1919.

I�m not kidding.
She didn�t get the Spanish flu.

She got Spanish desserts.

Like flan. What the hell?

I think those are called tapas.

Yeah, well, she�s at

the "top of" her weight class.

So what have you and your family
been up to?

Well, during the quarantine,

I wanted to get out
of the house safely.

So I asked Audrey what she
thought about getting an RV.

- An RV?
- Yeah.

And then I guess she asked you
what you thought about

her getting a younger husband.

And what�s up for you
at Thanksgiving?

No relatives are coming over?

Not if I can help that.
I think we�re going to have

Thanksgiving on Zoom.

A lot of families
are doing that.

How great is that?

You get sick of being
with your family,

you just shut the laptop.

You can�t dislike everybody
like that at once.

Yes, I can.

It�s actually usually
a good day.

A big mean, and then a nice nap.

Oh, you know, tryptophan
is the enzyme in turkey

- that makes you drowsy. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah.
- It�s kind of like talking to you.

You say you and your wife
are vegan?

It�s not Thanksgiving
without a turkey.

There�s still the sides
like salad and green beans.

Good Lord.
That�s not Thanksgiving.

Your holiday should be called
"Thanks for nothing."

I won�t have the tryptophan,
so I won�t get sleepy.

Oh, you�ll still
be sleepy, all right,

but it�s from malnutrition.

You know, they say vegans
live longer.

No, they don�t. Time just
feels like it moves slower

when you�re talking to one.

And where you�re
originally from,

Texas, vegans do not
live longer.

What are you talking about?

If you�re at a restaurant
in Texas and ask,

"What are your vegan options?"

They say you have the option
to get the hell out.

Anything else happen to you
during all our time off?

Well, during our quarantine,

I kept trying to hide
from my wife.

- You did?
- Yeah. Then I realized

she was using that Find My Phone
thing to track me down.

No!

So then I started
duct-taping the phone

to the dog
just to throw her off.

- That�s creative.
- Yeah.

She thinks I�d love
to explore our backyard.

Very nice.
Yeah, but the other day,

all hell broke loose
when somehow FaceTime clicked on

and it looked like I was humping
the poodle next door.

Say good night, Walter.
Thanks, everybody!

That�s Walter. Here we go.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

This is how I screw
with the sound guy.

Ready? Check the microphone,

Check, one, two.

What�s wrong? Come on!

So, my next friend,
all I can say is,

his hobby is drinking.
Please help me welcome Bubba J.

How you doing, Bubba J.?

I�m drunk.

No. No, you�re not. Yeah, I am.

But I�m safe
�cause I got my mask on.

It�s the wrong kind of mask.

No, it�s not.
It�s supposed to go
over your mouth.

But then I can�t drink, duh!

Bubba J., how you been
handling the pandemic?

There�s a pandemic?

Yes, that�s what
we�re talking about.

Why do you think we�ve been
staying at home so much?

Walter said it�s �cause
your career is over with.

Have you ever heard of COVID?

Uh, COVID...

I think when I was a kid,
my dad was dating her.

No, it�s COVID-19.

Yeah, 19 years old.
Yeah, that�s her.

No, COVID-19 is a virus.

Yeah. That�s how Mom
described her, all right.

Bubba J.... I�m kidding.

I know about the tam...
The pan... uh, tan, pam...

Pamdemic, damic thing.

Yeah, yeah. The quarantine?

Sure.

Yeah, it�s been no big deal.

Why not?
I was already
under house arrest.

Oh.

Yeah, but we drove everywhere.

How can you be
under house arrest

and be driving around?

It�s a mobile house arrest.

Hey, you want to know

the best way to avoid
touching your face?

- Sure.
- Put a beer in each hand.

Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.

And by the way,
I would like to thank

all the front-line workers
in strip clubs...

...who are willing to take it
all off except for the masks.

You went to a strip club
during the pandemic?

Oh, yeah, it was tough.

All my dollars kept
bouncing off the plexiglass.

Poor Sally Jo.

You know a stripper by name?

Well, I should. She�s my sister.

So what else did you do
during our time off?

I signed a lot of autographs.

Oh, people recognized you?

Ha! No, they thought I owned
a zoo full of tigers.

Yeah, you know, the accent,
a mullet... we all look alike.

Oh, good, the black guy laughed.

Okay.

Not as hard, but he did laugh.

All right.

- What are your fellers� names there? I�m Ken.
- Ken. Good to see you, Ken.

Ken, what do you do?

Civil engineer. Civil engineer.

Okay. I don�t get
any jokes about that, so...

And who�s the other guy?

I�m Ro. Ro. Ken and Ro.

Ro, what do you do for a living?

I�m a nurse.

A nur... Oh, so many jokes!

And, Ro,
what kind of nurse are you?

Where you work? ICU.

Oh, I see you, too,
but where do you work?

What�d I say?

There�s holes in my mask

I can see you.

Hey, Ken, every once in a while,
do you turn to the guy next to you and go,

Well, thanks for coming out,
fellers.

It�s nice having you.
Are we gonna move on?

We�ll move on.

This is better than
the you wrote.

Let me talk to some more folks.

Anyway, Bubba...
So how�s your better half?

Ha ha! You stink at fractions.

She�s more like my better
three-fourths.

Bubba J., do you two ever argue

when you�re cooped up together?

Oh, yeah, but it never lasts.

That�s good. Yeah.

She�s always the bigger person.

Even when I�m right,
she just sits on me.

Yeah, both my wife and I

put on a few pounds
during the quarantine.

Really? Yeah.

I don�t know
what I look like naked,

and I don�t want to look,
but when my wife undresses...

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Bubba J., I don�t know
if we want to hear this.

Oh, sure you do. It�s hot.

She looks like cranberry sauce
sliding out of the can.

Yeah, you know
what I�m talking �bout.

And when she�s wearing
yoga pants,

it makes the same noise.

Bubba J....

I love that it�s cheap,
sweet, and jiggly!

Chikka chikka wow, wow!

Ckwwp!

You can still see
all the lines on her, too.

That�s enough.

That�s my Thanksgiving
right there.

So you�re saying it�s still
a good relationship?

Oh, sure, we do
everything together.

Really? We drink together.

We pass out together.
Yeah? What else?

Well, that�s everything. Oh.

Hi. How are you guys?

They�re waving at me.
Good to see you.

What�s your first name?

Jacinia.

Yo... Oh, crap.

Sounded more like a holiday
than a name.

Did you say Yos... "Yosenia"?

Jacinia. Jacinia.

What�s the difference?

Okay, Jacinia.
That�s a beautiful name.

Is that name have
a certain nationality,

background kind of thing? Mexican,
yeah. Mexican. Okay, good.

Yeah. So, like 15 years ago,

- I could make some jokes.
- Now I�m

What do you do
for a living, Yosemite?

What?

She�s gonna blow!

It wasn�t a Mexican joke.

No.

I�m okay. All right.

Can�t do racist stuff.

No! Pfft! I can.

No.

Trust me,
they won�t realize it�s you.

Okay. And is this guy
next to you

your husband or boyfriend
or a guy with a weird name?

What�s your name, sir?

Chris. Chris... Oh, thank God.

That was easy.

Well, Jacinia,
it�s very nice meeting you.

You�re lovely. I think.

You got a mask on. I don�t know.

You�re hot.

All right,
let�s keep going here.

Thanks for talking to us,
uh, Chris and

So, Bubba J.,
on the first Thanksgiving,

Pilgrims got together
with Native Americans.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Which casino?

Did you know
I have an Indian name?

I did not know that. What is it?

Running Tab.Oh.

Thank you, thank you.

Do you help with the meal?

Oh, sure, I baste the turkey.

You do? Yeah, I�m good at it.

Great.
Yeah, I�m the master baster.

Do you ever take the
leftover bones and make soup?

Well, we used to,
but now it looks like

we�re cooking Achmed.

No.

So, when you were growing up,

I guess your Thanksgivings
were small

�cause you were an only child.

Well, that�s right,
but it wasn�t so bad.

I don�t know. If I didn�t
have any brothers or sisters,

I never would�ve had
my first kiss.

Wh-a-a-at?

Bubba J., you�re not supposed
to kiss your siblings like that.

It�s okay. I asked for consent.

So, why are you an only
child? I don�t really know.

Maybe your parents just
learned from their mistakes.

Walter told me that joke
to tell you.

That wasn�t nice. I�m sorry.

Hey, your 5-year-old twins
are uncles now, right?

That�s right.
My oldest daughter had a baby.

Yeah, I became an uncle
the day my son was born.

I know. Figure that one out.

It�s like the math in school

you�re not supposed to
talk about.

And unlike your parents,
my parents had a lot of us kids. They

wanted a big family.
No. Dad said they did it

in case they ever
needed another liver.

Like my wise old grandpa
used to say to me,

"You can�t get hung over
if you�re never not drunk."

Thank you.

And I understand you�ve been

homeschooling
your kids, as well.

Yeah, yeah. Mainly me doing it.

Oh. So what does your wife do

while you homeschool the kids?

She�s the lunch lady.

She is hot in a hairnet.

Okay.

How�s the schooling going?

Okay. We had
the one computer at the house.

Right. Yeah. It was
fun till last week�s

show-and-tell
when one of the boys

decided to show-and-tell
Daddy�s browser history.

So what happened?

I taught them about
plausible deniability.

And self-defense
from an angry lunch lady.

How are your boys doing?

Well, they�re doing great.

They�ve learned the alphabet
backwards and forwards.

Yeah.
In case they get pulled over.

Bubba J., are you familiar
with the three R�s?

Sure, �rest, rehab, and relapse.

I proved that it�s now possible

for teachers
to still come to class

and work drunk with no pants.

You need to quit drinking.

Yeah, but, you know,
sometimes drinkin�

makes me more inventive.

How�s that?
Well, two nights ago,

I got so drunk, I couldn�t
figure out how to set my alarm.

Okay. So I just turned on

my microwave for eight hours.

Is there anything you dislike
about Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I don�t like having over
our embarrassing drunk uncle.

Sure. Then I
realized that was me.

Are you gonna go shopping
on Black Friday this year?

Jeff, all Fridays matter.

Say good night, Bubba J.

Thanks, everybody!

Thank you.

This next guy has been in my act
for many, many years.

He�s purple, he�s wacky.

Please help me welcome
my buddy Peanut!

Thank you!
How you doing, Peanut?

Doing pretty good.
How about you?

I�m fine.
That�s good, that�s good,

that�s g-o-o-o-o-ood.

Ha ha!

Hang on. Isn�t this dangerous?

What? Pandemic!

You�re not 6 feet aw-a-a-ay!

- What?
- 6 feet.

- What?
- 6 f-e-e-eet!

- 6 fee...
- Stop it!

Don�t touch my
face! Wait. Is that the same

thing? Well,
you�re not supposed to touch your face,

but can you touch
somebody else�s face? Peanut

...Can I touch your
face? Touch your face.

I can touch your f-a-a-ace.

Touch your face.

I like to touch the face,
Jeff-fuh-fuh!

Not that.
Oh, come on, Jeff-fuh-fuh!

Too many consonants wasted!

J-E-F is "Jef,"
but it�s Jef-fuh-fuh.

Why is it always a guy�s name

with too many consonants
on the end?

Jeff-fuh-fuh. Scott-ta-ta.

Glenn-nah-nah. All guys.

You never hear girls.
You ever hear Elizabeth-ha-ha

or Mary-ee-ee-eee!

What was your name? Jasmine.

Jasmine. Oh, there you go...

Jasmine-na-na-na-na-
na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Nyow!

Hey, before I forget,

you changed all our
Wi-Fi passwords.

I did. Why?

Uh, security maintenance.

Did you just make that word up?

I think so. Okay.

So you changed
all three to new passwords.

Yes, I did. Okay.

The backstage Wi-Fi,
the tour bus Wi-Fi,

and the Wi-Fi at home.
That�s correct.

Okay. And this time...

I made them passwords unusual
so we would remember them

but they couldn�t
be guessed easily.

Great. Yeah,
the 1-2-3-4 was kind of stupid. I didn�t

do that. I know. Bubba J. did,
but he still forgot it.

Right. Yeah.

So what�s the password
for the Wi-Fi backstage?

- I can�t tell you.
- What?

- I can�t tell you.
- Why not?

- Why not what?
- What can�t you tell me?

- Tell you what?
- The password.

- I just did.
- No, you didn�t.

- Yes, I did.
- What is it?

I can�t tell you. - Why not?

- Why not what?
- Why can�t you tell me?

- I just did.
- Are you insane?!

- No.
- Then what�s the password?

- I can�t tell you.
- Jerk!

- What?
- You�re a big jerk!

- Why?
- I�m asking for one

simple password
for our Wi-Fi backstage.

- And you should have it.
- What is it?

- I can�t tell you.
- I hate you!

- Are we good?
- Fine!

- Fine.
- Fine!

Fine.
- Fine!-Can I have the one for the bus?

Yes. -What�s that one?
- I don�t remember.

-Why not?

- Why not what?
- Why can�t you remember?

- No, I don�t remember.
- Okay. Why don�t you remember?

- I do.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- So what is it?

- I don�t remember.
- Holy crap.

- Did you write it down?
- Why should I?

- In case you forgot it.
- I won�t forget it.

- Clearly, you just did.
- No, I didn�t.

- Then what�s the password?
- I don�t remember.

What the...

We have three
Wi-Fi networks. Yes.

And you made up all the passwords.
I did.-And you know them all.

By heart. -And I should have them, too.
- Of course you should.

What is the password
for the Wi-Fi backstage?

I can�t tell you.

What�s the one for the bus?

I don�t remember. You have
the one for the house? Yes.

And what is that one?
- You have to guess it.

I can�t guess it!

- Well, of course not.
- So what is it?

- You have to guess it.
- I can�t!

You�re making no sense.

Making no sense?
Making no sense.

I don�t know what to say to you.

What�s the Wi-Fi password
for the house?

- You have to guess it.
- Screw you!

I don�t deserve that.

I asked you for the password
for the backstage.

- Yes.
- You said I can�t tell you.

- Yes.
- Then I asked for the tour-bus

one, you said,
"I don�t remember."

Also correct. And now
the one for the house.

You say you have to guess it.

You got them all perfectly.

What the hell
are you talking about?!

Would you like to see the
passwords in black-and-white?

Yes, I would.

- They�re on my computer.
- Can I go look?

- Of course. Thanks!

- Oh, wait.
- What?

What�s the password
for your computer?

Who�s asking?

I am.

You�re what?
I�m asking for the password

on your computer.
- Who�s asking?

Hello? I�m right here.

Computer password.

Who�s asking?

Peanut is ask-i-i-ing.

- Well...
- Never mind.

Maybe I should ask your mother.

What�d you say?

Ask your mother.

That�s the one for my cellphone.

This is not 6 feet.

Oh, I�m sorry, Jeff.

I�m harassing you...

sexually.

I could always
just send you a picture.

Please don�t do that.

Again? Yes.

Wait. You gonna take a
family photo this holiday? We

always do. That has to
be a confusing picture now.

- Why?
- Oh, come on!

You with two little guys
of your own,

and now one of your daughters
has a kid

not much younger than your kids.

Right. You�ll need a
graph to explain this thing.

That�s his wife,
but she�s his daughter,

who�s the aunt
of the little guys

that are the uncles of her kid,

and his wife looks like
she could be his daughter,

but she�s really a grandma
of that kid,

who�s also the nephew
and grandson to them.

And then there�s
the son-in-law and the sister.

They�re the same age,
and his wife once removed,

but no one can remember
any of this

because they all
have on m-a-a-asks!

Seriously, though,
you can�t be too careful.

A good number of celebrities
have contracted the virus.

Idris Elba and The Rock
both tested positive.

Seems like a lot
of sex symbols got sick.

Oh, then you�ll be fine.

So, during this,
how�s your dating been going?

Oh! Um, well...

Seems like it�d be
a lot scarier these days.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
it is different right now.

With masks,
everything is a blind date.

And nowadays, you don�t ask,
"What�s your sign?"

you ask, "What�s your symptom?"

And forget the traveling.
The traveling.

I got e-mails that say, "Look,
we�re cleaning the planes now."

Now?

You�re cleaning the planes now?

Now? What the heck
were you doing before?

Couple of guys inside with
frickin� leaf blowers?

Hey, has this pandemic
been making you feel

trapped inside your home?
Yeah, pretty much.

Heh. Kind of stuck?
A little claustrophobic?

You can�t go anywhere
even if you wanted to?

That�s exactly right.

Well, remember that every time

you put one of us
back in the box, a-hole.

Oh, yeah. The master
has become the student.

Payback�s a bi-otch!

Well, folks,
tonight, everything has been new

and is brand-new
except for right now.

I would like to repeat a routine

that started all of this
for me and Peanut

on "The Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson"

many years ago. We're gonna do this?

-Yes.
-Oh, good! Yeah!

It was also when I introduced
for the first time on TV

another guy that has been
in my act ever since.

Really? We're gonna do this?

-Yep.
-Yep, yep, yep!

You got the guy
we got in Mexico?

I do. He's over here.

Check it out.
You're gonna love this.

Get him out. Look, look, look!

-Are you ready?
-S�, se�or.

Now, what in the world
do you think that is?

A jalape�o on a stick.

That's a jalape�o on a stick.

-S�.
-Well, what's your name?

-My name Jose.
-Jose?

-S�.
-Jose what?

-Jose Jalape�o.
-Right.

On a stick.

Well, most folks never seen
a talking jalape�o before.

-Is my job.
-Your job?

-S�.
-Do you have any other jobs?

-S�.
-What?

I'm a comedian. -Ah, comedian.

On a stick.

Well, do you enjoy
being in this country?

I'm afraid for my life.

-Why?
-Taco Bell.

Well, would you feel safer
in the box?

It's much nicer in the box.

-Okay.
-That's great.

-Okay, put him in.
-Okay.

Don't close the door!

-Why not?
-The cockroaches.

You have cockroaches in there?

-One big one.
-I see.

On a stick.

Say, Jeff, you seen my dummy?

You have a dummy?

Yeah, he's in the case
over there, and he is ugly.

-He's ugly?
-Dude, he is nasty-looking.

Well, I've never
seen him before.

Check him out.
Look, look, look, look!

Right here.
That's it. Look, look.

Peanut, this dummy
looks a little like me.

What? Naaaah!

He looks a lot like you!

No, no, wait, wait. Hang on.

You know what else
is killing me about this?

-What?
-That dummy is more than

30 years old, and your hairstyle
is exactly the same.

Well, let's see
if we can get him to work.

Okay, what Jeff does,
he takes a little dummy

and he puts him over here
in front of me.

That's right.
And there's a little lever

down by
the little dummy's waist,

and Peanut can reach back there,

he grabs onto that lever,

pulls on it once for each
syllable of every word,

and then he can make him talk.

Now, do you have
ahold of the lever?

He's got ahold of something.

-Did I move my lips?
-No, they moved your hand.

Let's not get
in an argument here.

Why don't we just have a drink?

Is that tequila, se�or?

No, it's not tequila. It's wine.

You wouldn't want
a tequila. Why not?

It would have a worm
in the bottom.

A worm.
Well, I don't want a worm.

You got a worm.

Hi, there.

-What are you?
-I'm a worm.

-A worm?
-A worm.

-The worm.
-The worm.

-Yeah.
-On a stick.

-What do you do?
-I don't do anything.

-That figures.
-Good for nothing.

-I don't like the little guy.
-Who do you not like?

-I don't like the little guy.
-You don't like me?

-No, the other guy.
-Who, me?

-No, him.
-I don't like you, either.

Okay. Fine. There we go.

Yeah, you think that's good,

but someday, his tongue
is gonna get a hernia.

-Well, can we take a drink?
-Yeah, go ahead.

-Okay.
-Wait a minute!

-What's wrong?
-I forgot.

I gotta open up the cellar.

You have a cellar in the bottle?

Yeah.

This is getting weird, dude.

What are you gonna do now?
Well, I'm gonna take a drink.

Do I get some?

Well, when I'm drinking,
you're going to talk.

Wait a minute!
You know what's gonna happen

if you drink that
and I talk? What?

We're all going
to choke to death.

-Let's just try it.
-Okay.

Here we go.
Let's put this over here.

-Yeah.
-There we go.

Put that right in there.

Ahh, looks lovely.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

-What was that?
-A burrito.

On a stick.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the dangerous part.

-Take your time.
-Okay.

-Good luck.
-Thank you.

You're going to die, se�or.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the dangerous part.

It's going up to his lips and...

going, going, going, going,
going, going, gone!

Yay!

-Thanks, Peanut.
-Thanks, everybody!

That's Peanut, everybody!

Thank you.

Well, folks, our last guy
for the evening,

I can�t believe I get
to give this introduction,

but here it is.
Please help me welcome

the most beloved terrorist
throughout the world,

Achmed, the dead terrorist.

Greetings, infidels!

How are you, Achmed?

I am angry!

What are you angry about now?

You know my famous saying.

Well, it�s your saying,
but I think, you know...

Silence!

I kill you!

Am I right? My saying, see?

Okay. What about it?

Well, I think
it was stolen from me

by some stupid bat in China.

- Well...
- It�s true!

Now it�s, "Silence! I kill you!

Squeak, squeak!"

Yep. Anything else
you�re angry about?

Yes, I am angry at
the lazy, amateur rioters.

- Lazy?
- Are you kidding me?

They have
all their rioting supplies

dropped off for them
on the sight.

You wusses! In my day,

we blew ourselves
to smithereens,

and we were happy about it!

And speaking of
loud annoyances...

- Yeah.
- ...how are your boys?

My boys are not loud annoyances.-Yes,
they are.

No, they�re not.
- Yes, they are. -No, they�re not.

Yes, they are.

Sometimes Walter and I
actually agree on stuff.

- My boys are fine.
- How old are they now? 4?

- 5.
- 5-year-old twins.

- Yeah.
- You�re so crazy.

Why, you successfully
raised three girls

just barely had them
out the front door,

then you married Audrey,
and... ckkm!

- Started over.
- You�re nuts.

That�s like slamming your finger
in the car door

and then saying, "Hey,
let�s try that crap again."

How about you, Achmed?
How�s the terror business?

Well, we�re all
working from home.

Yep, it�s pretty demoralizing.

Whenever we meet up on Zoom,
I can tell that

most of the other terrorists
put on their suicide vests

and don�t bother
putting pants on.

Vest and pelvis... that�s it.

I got so bored,
three different times

I blew up my own house.

You did? Three times?

Yeah, it�s like doing your hair.

You know, wash, rinse, repeat?

This is, you know, set, explode,
rebuild. That�s a good hobby for you?

- Not anymore!
- Why not?

My insurance company
canceled me!

Which insurance company?

Hate Farm.

Have you taken up any other jobs
during the pandemic?

I sell my plasma.

I didn�t think
you had any plasma.

That�s why I demand
the money up front.

Have you been getting out much?

Well, last week,
I went to Walmart,

and I was surprised to see
that Walter was the greeter.

What the hell?

That�s his side job now.

Yeah, when I was
walking up, he said,

"Put on the mask
or I Tase your bony ass!"

At least it rhymed.

Silence! I kill you.

Oh, yeah, squeak, squeak.

I can�t believe
I�m admitting this,

but I think that, deep down,

Walter is actually a good
guy. Why do you say that?

Well, he Tased me,
got that out of his system,

then told me
that the bomb-making materials

were on aisle 17.

And, Achmed,
how do you make a bomb?

Oh, I�d say do
a comedy special just like this.

Thank you so much. I�m a genius.

Yes, I am.

I think it�s going well.

Dude, everyone is so desperate
for live entertainment,

you could�ve come out here
and made balloon animals

and gotten a standing ovation.

Look, tonight is supposed to
be about Thanksgiving. Yes.

Are you and your family
properly social distancing?

Oh, yeah. I stay
6 feet away from the sheep.

They�re so annoying.
They�re like,

"You�re too cl-o-o-o-ose."

It�s a joke.
I don�t mess with animals.

- Great.
- Especially not with cows.

- Why?
- I have to avoid dairy.

How about other ways
of maintaining good health?

Have you learned
do not touch your face?

I don�t have a face.

I�ll kill you!

Squeak-squeak.

Have you done anything
worthwhile

during all our time off?

Yeah. I have learned
to Zoom-suicide-bomb.

I think you mean just Zoom-bomb.

There�s no suicide-bombing
Zoom meetings.

Just wait.

Anything else?

I am starting
to stand up for myself more.

Oh? How�s that?

Instead of just
deleting e-mails,

I am now unsubscribing!

- That�s good.
- Yes.

And do not send me a
"Why did you unsubscribe?"

e-mail after I unsubscribe
from your e-mails!

That�s like hanging up
on a telemarketer,

and then they start texting you.

"You up?"

So, how are the virgins?

Uh, they�re taking up
too much space.

What? There�s 72 of them,

and now they�re all
6 feet apart from each other.

And they�re all wearing masks?

You idiot!

They were already wearing masks.

So you never know
what they look like.

Not until you pick one.

You know, it�s like getting
scratchers from the lottery.

Wonder what�s under here. Yeah!

Oh, I lost.

Fix my foot. I will.

Thank you.
How long was it like that?

I don�t know.

So embarrassing.

Ro!

You�re the nurse.
How long was my foot like that?

A couple minutes.

A couple minutes?
Okay, thanks a lot.

I kill you! Squeak-squeak!

So, Achmed, I know you've
been working on

something for us tonight.
Oh, yes!

You know my song from the few
years back, "Jingle Bombs"?

You know that song?

Yes.

It was a huge hit. Yes, it was.

Or, as we say in
the business, it exploded.

Of course.

Well, I have now written
a song for this crazy

time we have all been
going through.

Okay. I call it

"Achmed's up on the
Housetop: Ode to COVID."

Alright, perfect.
Maestro, please.

Is this gonna be good?
Of course it is.

Just listen. Okay.

That was good.
Silence! I'm not done yet.

Okay. There's more.

Great. Here we go.

Not done!

Okay!

Squeak-squeak!

You guys have been awesome!
Thanks for coming out tonight.

Happy Thanksgiving,
merry Christmas,

happy New Year, happy Hanukkah!

There we go. Thank you!

My lovely wife, Audrey,
ladies and gentlemen.

Happy holidays, everybody.
Thanks for coming.

Hope you had fun.

Keep laughing.

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