Original subtitles

[man sobbing in distance] ??

Oh, divorce, it's a terrible business.

And his partner is a narcissist. He needs to walk away.

[button clicks]

Patient 44, this is Dr. Roberts.

Trust me. It's not worth it.

Love will take all of your life savings

and every patent you've ever registered.

You need to walk away.

- Doctor. - M.D.

The melted popsicle, The two-headed vampire...

- Yeah? - ...classic symptoms.

He's discarded his masculinity.

Ray Kurzweil eats 200 vitamins a day?

Must have a bathroom in his pants.

- You can do that? - I have to go.

- [wails] - Doc, you can't.

- You got to get back in there. - Ugh!

Ugh, I have to urinate so badly.

I can't think straight. M.D., talk to me.

- What would you like to talk about? - Morning, everyone.

- Aah! God! - Oh!

Damn it, 88, that dirty double dozen wasn't meant for you.

What the heck?

That spring-fling sting was meant for Tricky Ricky.

Who's Tricky Ricky?

? Tricky Ricky ?

? Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap ?

- What? - Tricky Ricky's been

our building inspector for going on two decades.

For a nominal fee, he checks all the right boxes

and files all the right forms so that we can

do what we do best... fly under the radar.

- So we bribe him? - No, no.

Ricky is merely scratching the back of science, 88.

He's also quite the little prankster,

as illustrated in my pictograms. Come take a look.

[chuckles]

Gotcha.

Randy, who even took that photo?

- Jealous? - No.

Tricky Ricky is a class-"A" prankster,

- But this time, we're ready for him. - [chuckles]

Ahmed has booby-trapped the entire building.

- [bell dings] - No.

- He's here. Tricky Ricky. - He's here early.

Alright, everybody to battle stations.

- Let's go. - Doc, what about the patient?

- He's dreaming. Come on. - Come on, T.E.R.R.Y.

Help me get ready.

Fine, but I'm not taking any more photos.

Just walk away.

[doorbell rings] ??

Ah!

[doorbell rings]

It's open.

??

Oh.

No, wait, miss, miss, miss, miss.

Lydia Wright, building inspector.

- Which one of you is Dr. Roberts? - [chuckles] Very funny.

Where's Tricky Ricky?

Richard was fired for taking bribes...

What? Saint Rick?

Shocking. Hard to believe that.

- ...and gross incompetence. - Competent Rick?

We found him with 11 prostitutes in his office making a porno.

- Wow. - It was a claymation,

very time-consuming,

left him no time for his work, so I fired him.

Well, I never did trust that guy. He should be locked up.

Yes, uh, good riddance, I say.

- Well, thank you for coming in... - Bye.

...and we'll reschedule an appointment.

- Do not touch me. - Yes, ma'am.

I'll be doing a thorough inspection.

Of course, ma'am.

You need a paint job!

Huh. Hmm.

What's going on?

[floor creaking]

[grunting]

[noisemaker blows] Shit.

??

Dr. Roberts: She's definitely going to shut us down.

We need to disarm all the pranks.

Ahmed, do you have a map of all the booby traps?

- Yep, right up here. - Okay. We're flying blind.

Geez, I got to whiz.

My time is extremely valuable, Dr. Roberts.

Indeed. This way. Whoa...

- What? - I'll get the door.

??

[yells] Kevin!

[squeals]

Oh, yeah, that was one.

Good work, Ahmed.

Wait till you see the pharmacy.

Randy: Shh!

Cockswain cometh!

- Who the hell are you? - Who the hell are you?

I'm the building inspector. What are you wearing?

The... uh, this is religious attire as...

- as per his right. - What? Religious attire?

Yeah, I'm lutheran.

All hail Luther.

- Lutheran? - Is this rayon?

Why don't we show Ms. Lydia what we do with the patient?

The... the patient, yes.

So the very lifeblood of what we do here at Dream Corp, LLC,

is treat patients who come in with any number of issues,

and here... here is a patient now.

Uh... Gotcha.

- Uh, that was just a test. - Lydia: I see.

Your safety certification, where is it?

??

Uh...

[clears throat]

- [blows, coughs] - [coughing]

This expired in...

[finger squeaks]

- ...1991? Hmm? - Huh?

Unbelievable. Okay. While I'm here,

I'll need to see everyone pass the AED, CPR,

and first-aid course.

- Bring out your CPR dummy. - Okay.

Randy! Randy?

Sorry. I... I... I was praying.

Randy, would you please go get our CPR dummy?

Oh, sure, 100%, no problem.

[whispering] We don't have a CPR dummy.

[whispering] Find a dummy!

[head squeaks]

Randy: Before we get started, does anyone have any questions?

- Yeah, I got one. - 88.

How long have you had this?

Oh, way before you started working here.

- Yeah. - Like, way, way before.

- Right. - Any other questions?

Okay. Let's get started.

Uh, first, you need to move the baby-like locks of hair

off of the brow gently

to reveal whether or not the patient is handsome.

Then we take a nice, leisurely walk down the tickle trail.

Just walk away.

Just walk away.

Yes, good job, tickle trail.

And then you go down in to the...

check the femoral arteries.

- [clears throat] - Pumping very hard, nice.

And then, uh, you do something I like to call

- the Santa Fe hot shot. - The what?

Santa Fe hot shot, ma'am.

And what you do is, you got to get underneath them,

help dislodge the throat.

[whispering] What next?

- Mouth to mouth. - [normal voice] Okay.

Mouth to mouth, great idea,

also known as the breath of life or the gentleman's kiss.

You just go down, move the hair out of the way again,

and you gently open your mouth.

[clears throat]

- Okay. - Nuh.

- Randy. - What?

And then he... uh, the patient's, uh, better.

- Flawless. - Good job.

- Very informative, Randy. - Save your applause.

You, show me how you administer CPR.

- Me? - Yeah.

Yeah, this won't be weird.

Go on, 88.

- Yeah. - Show her.

Make sure your lips are soft.

??

- Do it, 88. Do it, 88. - Yeah. Right. Right. I will.

Soft lips.

- Open your mouth. - Right.

- Mm. - Wider.

Randy: Open your mouth. Soft lip.

Dr. Roberts: Come on, 88. Show her. [explosion]

- Whoa! - What was that?

That was very nearly 88's first kiss.

Th-that's a safety, uh, training exercise.

How about some refreshments? I'm parched.

Can... can I interest you in a cup of coffee?

- Bananas? - I do need to inspect

- your common areas. - Great. Right this way.

Find the patient.

[gasps, grunts]

I think that went great.

In case you're wondering, yes, I recorded the whole thing.

Why are you walking like that?

- Oh... oh... - And what is this?

- [grunts] My tit. - I sneezed.

- Stop your shenanigans. - 44?

Guys, let's just find him so we can go home.

88, this is boring.

[rattling] What's that noise?

[bell dings]

- Aah! - Oh!

[laughter]

T.E.R.R.Y.: Ah, look at that.

- And it doesn't stop! Aah! - I love it.

- Oh! - [laughter]

You got blood on you.

Is this blood? Is this blood on me?

Yeah, it's your blood. Don't worry. [laughs]

Oh. Wait. What?

[noisemaker blows]

[laughter] Oh, glitter!

Glitter. Glitter and blood.

Glitter and blood. [laughs] Oldest trick in the bible.

Ooh, it's a classic.

Where did you guys get all my blood?

- Enough fun. - You have to answer me.

Let's split up. It's a big building.

We'll have a better chance of finding him.

- Okay. - Come on, T.E.R.R.Y. You come with me.

Nah, I'm going to go with 88.

No, you're going to come with me. You're my friend.

Oh, Randy, 88 keeps getting pranked. It's hilarious.

You guys are jerks! I hate you.

I'm not just one of your dolls, Randy.

I'm not just going to do whatever you say.

T.E.R.R.Y., you sure this is my blood?

- Yeah. - Uh, it's in my eyes.

[noisemaker blows]

??

Oh, my... What is the meaning of this?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, this... this... this...

this is composting, composting.

Next time,

you will need a designated compost bin, Dr. Roberts.

Okay, yes, I think that's a great idea.

- Absolutely. - Unbelievable.

Oh, god, it reeks. Why is this refrigerator so warm?

- Better wait a minute. Oh, my... - Jesus Christ.

Are you storing dangerous chemicals where you store food?

That's not... that... that... that... that happens...

- That's my energy drink. - Biohazard energy drink?

- Exactly. - It's a brand.

It's a brand-new drink, and it...

- New brand. - ...gives me the boost

that I need to get through my day from the inside out.

I could use a pick-me-up. May I?

- No. - Sorry. Last one, lot of work.

[gulping]

Mmm.

[groans]

[gulps, muffled chuckles]

- She's addicted. - I don't think I'm going to make it.

[retches]

You guys should go to the bathroom.

Yes, uh, let's check the bathroom next. I need to take a piss.

- I'll meet you there. - I'm not going to make it.

See you guys there. ??

Glitter and blood, classic combo. Ha-ha!

The sheer volume of blood is what dazzles me.

T.E.R.R.Y., T.E.R.R.Y., T.E.R.R.Y., shh.

88, never wake a sleepwalker.

No, that's just an urban legend. Hey.

- Gah! Ah! - Ooh!

[laughing] Oh!

Just walk away.

Holy shit. 88, did you see him hit you?

- There's blood on my blood. - [laughs]

Oh.

There's a better bathroom in the pharmacy.

Pharmacy? I'll meet you guys there.

Lydia: What's going on here? Oh, my God.

??

? Yeah ?

[noisemaker blows]

Shit.

? Don't stop, pop that, pussy! ?

? Let me see you doo-doo brown ?

? doo-doo brown ? ? doodoo brown ?

- ? doo-doo brown ? - ? doo-doo brown ?

? doo-doo brown ?

? don't stop ?

? get it, get it ?

? get it, get it ?

? get it, get it ?

? get it, get it ?

There you are.

[slurring] "There you are."

- Well, yeah, here I am. - "Yeah, here... am."

Why do... why do you keep doing that?

- "Why do you keep doing that?" - Quit mimicking me.

"Quit mim... ick... ing."

I don't even sound like that!

[mutters] "I don't even sound like that."

- I'm actually a nice guy. - "I'm actually a nice guy."

Randy is a cutie patootie.

"Randy's a cutie patootie."

Randy has very nice teeth...

"has very nice teeth..."

- ...and a pleasant smile. - "...and a pleasant smile."

- And he's a hunk. - "And he's a hunk."

- Randy's a hunk. - "Randy's a hunk."

[chuckles] You're alright.

"[chuckles] You're alright."

- [chuckles] Come on, buddy. - "Come on, buddy."

[chuckles] [chuckles]

- I like having you around. - "I like having you around."

- Thank you. - "Thank you."

- Randy's a hunk. - "Randy's a hunk."

[chuckles]

Either way.

[camera shutter clicks] You're screwed, dickheads!

[laughs]

Oh, oh, it's over, Margot Daly.

Ah, she'll shut us down for sure.

You heard her. She called us dickheads.

Ooh.

And on top of it, I have to go tee-tee so bad.

Hold yourself together, Roberts. You're our leader.

No matter what happens, you have to know what to do.

We've been through thicker shit than this.

- Ugh. - You're the captain, damn it.

- [demonic voice] Act like it. - Ugh, okay.

[normal voice] Oh, my asshole.

Oh, what did I drink?

You still in the dating scene, 88?

- Yeah. - Yeah, me, too.

Hot babes are crawling out of the walls to meet me.

I don't think that's true.

Oh, it's true, and make sure you call them hot babes,

not hot babies, because they find that weird.

- Yeah, I know what to... - Hey, dudes.

Oh, thank you, Randy. Alright.

Uh, patient 44, we got to get you back into the pharmacy.

Uh, uh, this is my friend.

- "This is my friend." - [chuckles] Totally.

He's a way better friend than you.

Why have you got to be so sensitive, Randy?

You're sensitive. This is how he greets you.

- Hello. - Hello.

I don't know if I like this, Randy.

The last time I saw him, he punched me in the face.

Let him greet you. Let him touch your face.

Say, "hi."

- Ah! - Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo!

- Ah! - 88, watch out.

Thank you, T.E.R.R.Y.

How about you watch out, jerk, for my fist?

He's getting away again.

Here is what I'm going to do. I'm going to ask patient 44

if he wants to be my new roommate.

- The hell you will. - I am. I'm going to do it.

Don't you roll away from me!

Oh, I'm rolling, brother, straight down to the pharmacy

to get you a chill pill.

Why aren't any of these pill bottles labeled?

Think about it.

If you don't know what they are,

- you're not going to steal them. - Excellent. I'm impressed.

- I'm sick of it! - If you don't want to see it

or hear it, then leave.

And go where? It's my room.

Yeah, well, I hear a lot of weird things

coming from your side of the bunk, too.

[grunts]

Oh, you made it to the pharmacy.

- Congratulations. - [grunts] Okay. Oh!

Okay. Okay.

- I'm just trying to help you. - "Trying to help you."

- Ah! - We were just about to...

88: He keeps punching me in the face.

- I'm just trying to help him out. - [yells] Enough!

Look at this place.

- Look at your patient. - [chuckles]

Yo, what's up, bitch? What you doing?

That woman obviously drank poison.

Ugh. And you're covered in blood.

Yeah, but it's my blood.

I think it goes without saying you have failed everything

except the CPR training.

I would just like to say that we are...

- are practicing cutting-edge... - You shut up.

You're supposed to be scientists?

You are a disgrace to the science community.

"Disgrace."

There is zero chance your license will be renewed.

Well, maybe we... we can take the test again?

You failed, Dr. Roberts.

Failed.

??

[laughing]

??

- Wow. - Wow.

Wow.

- Why is she doing that? - Lydia, uh...

[laughter continues]

Holy shit! I got you guys!

- Oh! - You should see your faces!

- Oh-ho-ho! - I just got these titties.

- Are those stitches new? - I couldn't wait!

- You're pissing your pants! - I'm pissing my pants.

? Tricky Ricky ? [all clapping rhythmically]

? Tricky Ricky ? [all clapping rhythmically]

- ? Tricky Ricky ? - ? Trick, Tri-tri-trick ?

- ? Tricky Ricky ? - ? Trick, Tri-tri-trick ?

- ? Tricky Ricky ? - ? Trick, Trick, Tri-tri-trick ?

- ? Tricky Ricky ? - ? Trick, Trick, Trick, Trick ?

- ? Tricky Ricky ? - ? Tri-tri-tri-trick ?

- ? Tricky Ricky ? - ? Tri-tri-tri-trick ?

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