All language subtitles for Completely.Unrehearsed.Last.Minute.Pandemic.Holiday.Special.2020.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Ladies and gentlemen,

\hit’s been eight months
since he’s been onstage,

and every joke tonight
\h\h\h\h\his brand-new

and never tried on any person
\h\hor any audience anywhere.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo he’s either
the smartest man in Hollywood

or the dumbest guy
\h\hin the country,

\h\h\hwhich is probably
exactly the same thing.

\h\hPlease welcome
your pal and mine,

Jeff Dunham!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪

♪

♪

Thank you so very much.

Wow, look at all you guys.

This is fantastic. You know,
\hthe last time I did a show,

\hit was in March,
it was in Florida,

and there was 10,000 people.

What the heck happened?

We’re less than 100 now.

You know, the great part
\h\h\h\his we all got out

of our houses, right? Yes?

[ Cheers and applause ]

\hAnd now we’re in grave danger
of catching something horrible.

So thank you for coming.

\h\h\h\hBut the question is,
why are we here this evening?We’re here because I want to be.

And why do I want to be here?
Because you want to be here.

We’ve gone through a crazy time.
We’re going to get through it.

But it’s the holiday season.
\h\h\h\h\h\hWe want to laugh.

We want to be together
\h\h\hwith our families

and as a big family right now.

So you ready for some fun?
\h\h\h\hHow about it? Yes?

[ Cheers and applause ]

I’m glad you’re here,
\h\h\hbut it has been

\h\h\ha full eight months
since I’ve been on stage.

And I’ve never done that.

\h\h\hBesides my honeymoon,
I’ve never -- This is true.

\h\h\hI’ve never gone more than
two weeks without doing a show

since the fifth grade.

So for me, this has been like
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hgoing through

some sort of withdrawal.

And about halfway through it,
\hI finally got so depressed.

I did a show in our living room

for our twin 5 year old boys
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hand the dog.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\hTough crowd,
they just wanted snacks.

But now I can honestly say
\h\hthis is all brand new,

untried material.

\hNo one has heard
any of these jokes.

I’ve never heard of any comedian
doing this. You know why?

\h\h\h\hBecause nobody else
is stupid enough to try it.

[ Laughter ]

Everyone’s had to cancel stuff,
\h\h\h\h\hand we do every year,

you know, stuff we always do
like birthdays, graduations.

\hBut for me the big one was
our ventriloquist convention.

We had to cancel that.
\h\hIt’s every summer.

It’s always around 600 people

who all share the same interest
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hin ventriloquism.

\h\h\h\h\h\hBeing there, though,
it makes Achmed a little nervous

because he’s used to meeting
\honly 72 virgins at a time.

[ Laughter, groaning ]

\h\hThank you. I’m never going
to be asked back, but whatever.

As for the holidays, it’s gotten
a bit complicated at our house.

\h\h\h\hYou see, my wife
is now completely vegan,

and so I now am by proxy.

Well, she’s the one who cooks.
\h\h\h\hWhat am I going to do?

\h\h\h\hAnd our 5 year old boys
go along with the vegan thing.

\h\hHowever, I was very proud
of little James the other day

for being honest after he tried

\h\hsome vegan cheese
that mommy gave him.

\hYeah, this is the exact quote
while he was eating the cheese.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"I don’t like it.
It’s killing my body a little."

And of course, we’re home
\hschooling the boys now.

The teacher’s name is Netflix.

[ Laughter ]

And if we want the boys to read,
we just turn on the subtitles.

[ Laughter ]

Also, we wanted to give
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hour boys

that authentic early years
\h\h\h\hschool experience,

so every morning I shove
\htheir faces in the dirt

and take their lunch money.

[ Laughter ]

\h\hAnd I know it’s recommended
that you play old school games

\h\h\h\h\hwith the kids
during the quarantine.

But with the vegan thing
\h\h\h\h\h\hin our house,

there’s no duck, duck, goose.

[ Laughter ]

Nope. We play soy, soy, tofu.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\hQuarantine,
red rover, red rover.

No one can come over.[ Laughter ]

And hide-and-seek is more like
"hide and sit down for a while

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso I can get
a few damn minutes to myself."

[ Laughter ]

Anyway, enough of that.
\h\h\h\hYou guys ready

for the little people
\h\h\h\hin the boxes?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

Thank you. So the first guy
\h\hI’d like to introduce,

\hI think audiences enjoy because
everyone knows someone like this

in your own family
or where you work.

Please help me welcome
\hmy old friend Walter.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ]

Walter, how are you?

How the hell you think?

Well, you playing it safe
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith the mask?

-Oh, yeah.
\h\h-Okay.

\h\h\h\hYeah, I think
I’m about to die though.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhy?
\h\h\h\h\hI picked up
the wrong damn mask.

-You did?
\h-Yeah.

\h\h\hThis is yours,
and your breath stinks.

Can I take it off?

Please do. And then get yourself
a damn Tic Tac for God’s sakes.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow’s everything else?
\h\h[ Sarcastically ]
Oh, it’s just great.

\h\h\hThis has been
the best year ever!

Then after all these months,
you told me we were going

\h\h\h\h\hto finally
get to do a show again.

-That’s right.
\h-I was happy.

-Really?
\h-Yeah.

\hThen we get here,
and we’re outdoors.

And the size of this audience
makes it look like

\h\h\h\h\hwe’re doing
a frickin’ bar mitzvah

\h\h\h\hfor one of
the unpopular kids.

This sucks!

-But we’re outdoors.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-I know!

Do a show, get a tick.

[ Laughter ]

This is a lovely place.

For a birthday party.

\hHey, let’s go play
pin the tail on the moron

who decided to do this.

\h\hWalter, we’re here
to make people laugh.

Yeah, well, and we’re in the
middle of the terrible pandemic.

So let’s have a chuckle.

People could use a laugh
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hright now.

I could use some crack
right now.

-Well --
-Outside.

\h\h-Yeah.
-No walls.

\h\h\h-Right.
-No curtain.

Yeah, this is Comedy Central

on a budget.

This is a great venue.

You have been quarantined
too damn long.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Walter --
-This looks like the patrons

had nowhere to go after
a Chuck E. Cheese burnt down.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\hSo what have you been
doing all this time off?

Well, uh, actually, I had
my hips replaced.

Your hips?

-Both knees.
\h\h-Really?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah.
Had my shoulder replaced.

-I had no idea.
\h\h\h\h-Yeah.

I’m trying to get out
of my marriage

one body part at a time.

Don’t you think this is great
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hbeing on TV?I don’t care.

My wife and I have been
locked up alone in our house

together for so long,
it’s just a matter of time

before we end up
\hon "Dateline."

[ Laughter ]

How have you been holding up
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthrough all of this?

Well, I just hope you washed
your hand for 20 seconds

before you put it
\h\hwhere it is.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

\hAren’t we supposed
to be six feet apart?

\h\h\h-Well --
-Oh, wait, yes.

\h\hWe did that.
I couldn’t talk.

[ Chuckles ]

You can’t throw your voice
a measly six feet?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes, I can.
Oh, then I guess my mouth
wouldn’t move.

[ Laughter ]

’Cause you couldn’t pull on the
little thingamajig back there.

You’d be like, "Hey, Walter!"

\h\hAnd I’d be like,
"Hey, Lorne. How’s it going?"

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

So do you wear a mask when you
go to the store and all that?

Sure.

I like the idiots who wear
masks over their mouths,

but not their noses, too.

Dimwits. That’s like wearing
a jockstrap on your knees.[ Laughter ]

\hI mean, it’s there.
But what’s the point?

You know, I read that
\h\hmedical experts say

\h\hpeople should wear masks
during time of you know...

\h\h\h\hOh, come on,
you don’t need a mask.

No, no. You can hold
your breath

for 34 seconds.

[ Laughter ]

So how’s everything been going
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith your wife?

Oh, we’ve been getting
on each other’s nerves

and fighting all the time.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSorry to hear that.
Yeah.

You mean since the quarantine?

Since our wedding.

Oh.

But we’re staying
\h\h6 feet apart.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-What?
-Yeah, it’s the closest

we’ve been in years.

With the pandemic, you know,
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwe can’t get together

\h\h\h\h\h\hwith people
we’re usually around.

Sometimes we can’t
\h\h\hvisit family.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know.
Is this thing great or what?

[ Laughter ]

You know, many people say

they’ve put on weight
\hduring the pandemic.

My wife started putting
on weight during the pandemic.

\h\h\h\h-She did.
-Yeah -- of 1919.

\h\hI’m not kidding.
She didn’t get the Spanish flu.

She got Spanish desserts.

\h\hLike flan.
What the hell?

[ Laughter ]

\h\hI think those
are called tapas.

Yeah, well, she’s at

the "top of" [tapa]
\hher weight class.

[ Laughter ]

So what have you and your family
been up to?

\hWell, during
the quarantine,

\hI wanted to get out
of the house safely.

\h\hSo I asked Audrey what she
thought about getting an RV.

-An RV?
-Yeah.

And then I guess she asked you
what you thought about

\h\h\h\hher getting
a younger husband.

[ Audience "oohs" ]

And what’s up for you
\h\h\hat Thanksgiving?

\h\hNo relatives
are coming over?

Not if I can help that.
I think we’re going to have

Thanksgiving on Zoom.

A lot of families
\hare doing that.

How great is that?

You get sick of being
with your family,

you just shut the laptop.

You can’t dislike everybody
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlike that at once.

Yes, I can.

It’s actually usually
a good day.

\h\h\h\h\hA big mean,
and then a nice nap.

Oh, you know, tryptophan
\his the enzyme in turkey

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hthat makes you drowsy.
Oh, really?Yeah. Yeah.

It’s kind of like
\htalking to you.

[ Laughter ]

You say you and your wife
are vegan?

It’s not Thanksgiving
without a turkey.

\h\h\h\hThere’s still the sides
like salad and green beans.

\h\h\h\h\hGood Lord.
That’s not Thanksgiving.

Your holiday should be called
"Thanks for nothing."

[ Laughter ]

I won’t have the tryptophan,
\h\h\h\h\h\hso I won’t get sleepy.

\h\hOh, you’ll still
be sleepy, all right,

but it’s from
malnutrition.

You know, they say vegans
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hlive longer.

No, they don’t. Time just
feels like it moves slower

when you’re talking to one.

And where you’re
originally from,

Texas, vegans do not
live longer.

What are you talking about?

If you’re at a restaurant
in Texas and ask,

"What are your vegan options?"

They say you have the option
to get the hell out.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Anything else happen to you
\h\h\hduring all our time off?

Well, during our quarantine,

I kept trying to hide
from my wife.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-You did?
-Yeah. Then I realized

she was using that Find My Phone
thing to track me down.

No!

\h\hSo then I started
duct-taping the phone

\h\h\h\h\hto the dog
just to throw her off.

-That’s creative.
\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.

\hShe thinks I’d love
to explore our backyard.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hVery nice.
Yeah, but the other day,

all hell broke loose
when somehow FaceTime clicked on

and it looked like I was humping
the poodle next door.

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSay good night, Walter.
Thanks, everybody!

That’s Walter.
\h\hHere we go.

[ Cheers and applause ]

\h\hThank you so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

This is how I screw
with the sound guy.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReady?
Check the microphone,

Check, one, two.

[ Laughter ]

What’s wrong?
\h\hCome on!

[ Laughter and applause ]

So, my next friend,
\hall I can say is,

\h\h\h\hhis hobby is drinking.
Please help me welcome Bubba J.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughing ]

How you doing, Bubba J.?

I’m drunk.

\h\h\h\h\h\hNo.
No, you’re not.Yeah, I am.

\h\h\h\hBut I’m safe
’cause I got my mask on.

[ Laughter ]

It’s the wrong
\hkind of mask.

No, it’s not.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt’s supposed to go
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hover your mouth.

[ Laughs ] But then
I can’t drink, duh!

[ Laughter ]

Bubba J., how you been
handling the pandemic?

\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ]
There’s a pandemic?

\h\hYes, that’s what
we’re talking about.

Why do you think we’ve been
\h\h\hstaying at home so much?

Walter said it’s ’cause
your career is over with.

[ Laughter ]

Have you ever heard
\h\h\h\h\hof COVID?

Uh, COVID...

I think when I was a kid,
my dad was dating her.

[ Laughter ]

No, it’s COVID-19.

Yeah, 19 years old.
\hYeah, that’s her.

[ Laughter ]

No, COVID-19
\his a virus.

Yeah. That’s how Mom
described her, all right.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBubba J. --
I’m kidding.

I know about the tam--
the pan -- uh, tan, pam--

Pamdemic, damic
\h\h\h\hthing.

\h\hYeah, yeah.
The quarantine?

Sure.

\h\h\hYeah, it’s
been no big deal.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhy not?
\h\h\hI was already
under house arrest.

Oh.

\h\hYeah, but we
drove everywhere.

\h\hHow can you be
under house arrest

and be driving around?

It’s a mobile
house arrest.

Hey, you want to know

the best way to avoid
touching your face?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Sure.
-Put a beer in each hand.

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

Thank you very much.
Thank you, thank you.

[ Applause ]

\h\h\hAnd by the way,
I would like to thank

all the front-line workers
in strip clubs...[ Laughter ]

...who are willing to take it
all off except for the masks.

You went to a strip club
\h\h\h\hduring the pandemic?

Oh, yeah, it was tough.

\hAll my dollars kept
bouncing off the plexiglass.

[ Laughter ]

Poor Sally Jo.

\h\h\h\h\hYou know
a stripper by name?

\hWell, I should.
She’s my sister.

[ Laughter ]

So what else did you do
\h\h\hduring our time off?

\h\h\h\h\h\hI signed
a lot of autographs.

\h\hOh, people
recognized you?

Ha! No, they thought I owned
a zoo full of tigers.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, you know, the accent,
a mullet -- we all look alike.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, good,
the black guy laughed.

Okay.

[ Laughter ]

\h\hNot as hard,
but he did laugh.

All right.

\h\h\h\hWhat are your
fellers’ names there?I’m Ken.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hKen.
Good to see you, Ken.

Ken, what do you do?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCivil engineer.
Civil engineer.

\h\hOkay. I don’t get
any jokes about that, so...

[ Laughter ]

And who’s the other guy?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m Ro.
Ro. Ken and Ro.

Ro, what do you do
\h\h\hfor a living?

I’m a nurse.

\h\h\h\h\h\hA nur--
Oh, so many jokes!

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd, Ro,
what kind of nurse are you?

Where you work?
ICU.

\hOh, I see you, too,
but where do you work?

[ Laughter ]

What’d I say?

\h\h\hThere’s holes
in my mask [bleep]

I can see you.

[ Laughter ]\h\h\h\h\h\hHey, Ken,
every once in a while,

do you turn to the guy
next to you and go,

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h"Hey.
♪ Row, row, row your boat... ♪

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

Well, thanks for coming out,
fellers.

It’s nice having you.
Are we gonna move on?

We’ll move on.
\h\h[ Laughs ]

\hThis is better than
the [bleep] you wrote.

\h\h\h\hLet me talk
to some more folks.

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnyway, Bubba...
So how’s your better half?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHa ha!
You stink at fractions.

She’s more like my better
three-fourths.

Bubba J., do you two
\h\h\h\h\hever argue

\h\h\h\hwhen you’re
cooped up together?

\h\h\h\h\hOh, yeah,
but it never lasts.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s good.
Yeah.

\h\h\hShe’s always
the bigger person.

[ Laughter ]

Even when I’m right,
she just sits on me.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, both my wife and I

\hput on a few pounds
during the quarantine.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReally?
Yeah.

\h\h\h\hI don’t know
what I look like naked,

and I don’t want to look,
but when my wife undresses --

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

\h\hBubba J., I don’t know
if we want to hear this.

Oh, sure you do.
\h\h\h\hIt’s hot.

She looks like cranberry sauce
sliding out of the can.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\hYeah, you know
what I’m talking ’bout.

And when she’s wearing
yoga pants,

it makes the same noise.

[ Laughter ]
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hBubba J. --

I love that it’s cheap,
sweet, and jiggly!

[ Laughter ]

Chikka chikka
\h\hwow, wow!

Ckwwp!

[ Laughter ]

\h\hYou can still see
all the lines on her, too.

[ Laughter ]
\h\h\h\h\hThat’s enough.

That’s my Thanksgiving
right there.

[ Laughter ]

So you’re saying it’s still
\h\h\h\h\h\h\ha good relationship?

\h\h\hOh, sure, we do
everything together.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hReally?
We drink together.

We pass out together.
Yeah? What else?

Well, that’s everything.
Oh.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHi.
How are you guys?

They’re waving at me.
Good to see you.

What’s your first name?

Jacinia.

\h\hYo--
Oh, crap.

[ Laughter ]

Sounded more like a holiday
than a name.

Did you say Yos--
\h\h\h"Yosenia"?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJacinia.
Jacinia.

What’s the difference?

\h\h\hOkay, Jacinia.
That’s a beautiful name.

\h\hIs that name have
a certain nationality,

background kind of thing?Mexican, yeah.

\hMexican.
Okay, good.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah.
So, like 15 years ago,

I could make some jokes.
Now I’m [bleep]

[ Laughter and applause ]

\h\h\hWhat do you do
for a living, Yosemite?

[ Laughter ]

What?

She’s gonna blow!

[ Laughter ]

It wasn’t a Mexican joke.

No.

[ Laughter ]

I’m okay.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right.

[ Laughter ]

Can’t do racist stuff.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNo!
Pfft! I can.

No.

\h\h\h\h\h\hTrust me,
they won’t realize it’s you.

[ Laughter ]

Okay. And is this guy
next to you

your husband or boyfriend
or a guy with a weird name?

What’s your name, sir?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hChris.
Chris -- Oh, thank God.

That was easy.

\h\h\hWell, Jacinia,
it’s very nice meeting you.

You’re lovely.
\h\h\hI think.

You got a mask on.
\h\h\hI don’t know.

you’re hot.

[ Laughter and applause ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAll right,
let’s keep going here.

Thanks for talking to us,
uh, Chris and [mumbles]

[ Laughter and applause ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo, Bubba J.,
on the first Thanksgiving,

\hPilgrims got together
with Native Americans.

Oh, yeah?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hMm-hmm.

Which casino?

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\hDid you know
I have an Indian name?

I did not know that.
\h\h\h\h\hWhat is it?

Running Tab.Oh.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Thank you, thank you.

\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you
help with the meal?

\h\h\h\h\hOh, sure,
I baste the turkey.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou do?
Yeah, I’m good at it.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hGreat.
Yeah, I’m the master baster.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hDo you ever take the
leftover bones and make soup?

\h\hWell, we used to,
but now it looks like

we’re cooking Achmed.

No.

[ Laughter ]

\h\hSo, when you
were growing up,

I guess your Thanksgivings
were small

’cause you were
an only child.

\h\hWell, that’s right,
but it wasn’t so bad.

I don’t know. If I didn’t
have any brothers or sisters,

I never would’ve had
my first kiss.

[ Laughter, groans ]

Wh-a-a-at?

\h\h\hBubba J., you’re not supposed
to kiss your siblings like that.

\h\h\h\h\hIt’s okay.
I asked for consent.

[ Laughter ]

So, why are you
an only child?I don’t really know.

Maybe your parents just
learned from their mistakes.

[ Laughter, groans ]

[ Laughing ]

Walter told me that joke
to tell you.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat wasn’t nice.
I’m sorry.

Hey, your 5-year-old twins
are uncles now, right?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThat’s right.
My oldest daughter had a baby.

Yeah, I became an uncle
the day my son was born.

[ Laughter, groans ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI know.
Figure that one out.

It’s like the math in school

you’re not supposed to
talk about.

And unlike your parents,
my parents had a lot of us kids.They wanted a big family.

\h\h[ Chuckles ] No.
Dad said they did it

\h\hin case they ever
needed another liver.

[ Laughter ]

Like my wise old grandpa
used to say to me,

"You can’t get hung over
if you’re never not drunk."

[ Laughter and applause ]

Thank you.

[ Laughter and applause ]

And I understand
\h\h\hyou’ve been

\h\h\hhomeschooling
your kids, as well.

\h\h\h\hYeah, yeah.
Mainly me doing it.

Oh. So what does
\h\hyour wife do

while you homeschool
\h\h\h\h\h\hthe kids?

She’s the lunch lady.

[ Laughter ]

She is hot in a hairnet.

Okay.

How’s the schooling going?

\h\h\h\hOkay. We had
the one computer at the house.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight.
\h\h\h\hYeah.
It was fun till last week’s

\h\h\h\hshow-and-tell
when one of the boys

decided to show-and-tell
Daddy’s browser history.

[ Laughter, groans ]

So what happened?

\hI taught them about
plausible deniability.

[ Laughter ]

\h\hAnd self-defense
from an angry lunch lady.

[ Laughter ]

How are your boys doing?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell,
they’re doing great.

They’ve learned the alphabet
\h\h\h\h\hbackwards and forwards.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah.
In case they get pulled over.

[ Laughter ]

Bubba J., are you familiar
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwith the three R’s?

\h\h\hSure, ’rest,
rehab, and relapse.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\hI proved
that it’s now possible

\h\h\h\hfor teachers
to still come to class

and work drunk
with no pants.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\hYou need
to quit drinking.

Yeah, but, you know,
sometimes drinkin’

\h\h\hmakes me
more inventive.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow’s that?
Well, two nights ago,

I got so drunk, I couldn’t
figure out how to set my alarm.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOkay.
So I just turned on

\h\hmy microwave
for eight hours.

[ Laughter ]

Is there anything you dislike
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\habout Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I don’t like having over
our embarrassing drunk uncle.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSure.
Then I realized
that was me.

[ Laughter ]

\hAre you gonna go shopping
on Black Friday this year?

\h\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ]
Jeff, all Fridays matter.

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

Say good night,
\h\h\hBubba J.

Thanks, everybody!

Thank you.

This next guy has been in my act
for many, many years.

He’s purple, he’s wacky.

Please help me welcome
\h\h\hmy buddy Peanut!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

Thank you!
\h\h\h\h\hHow you doing, Peanut?

Doing pretty good.
\h\hHow about you?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI’m fine.
That’s good, that’s good,

that’s g-o-o-o-o-ood.

Ha ha!

\h\h\h\h\h\hHang on.
Isn’t this dangerous?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat?
[ Gasps ] Pandemic!

\h\h\hYou’re not
6 feet aw-a-a-ay!

\h-What?
-6 feet.

\h\h\h-What?
-6 f-e-e-eet!

[ Laughter ]

-6 fee--
-Stop it!

\h\h\h\h\h\h[ Gasps ]
Don’t touch my face!\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWait.
Is that the same thing?

Well, you’re not supposed
to touch your face,

\h\hbut can you touch
somebody else’s face?Peanut --

Can I touch your face?
Touch your face.

\h\hI can touch
your f-a-a-ace.

[ Laughter ]

Touch your face.

I like to touch the face,
Jeff-fuh-fuh!

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hNot that.
Oh, come on, Jeff-fuh-fuh!

Too many consonants
\h\h\h\h\h\hwasted!

\h\h\hJ-E-F is "Jef,"
but it’s Jef-fuh-fuh.

Why is it always
\h\ha guy’s name

with too many consonants
on the end?

Jeff-fuh-fuh.
Scott-ta-ta.

Glenn-nah-nah.
\h\h\hAll guys.

You never hear girls.
You ever hear Elizabeth-ha-ha

or Mary-ee-ee-eee!

What was your name?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hJasmine.

\h\h\h\h\hJasmine.
Oh, there you go --

Jasmine-na-na-na-na-
na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na-na,
na-na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Jasmine ♪

Nyow!

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

Hey, before I forget,

you changed all our
\hWi-Fi passwords.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI did.
Why?

Uh, security maintenance.

\h\h\hDid you just
make that word up?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI think so.
Okay.

\h\h\hSo you changed
all three to new passwords.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes, I did.
Okay.

The backstage Wi-Fi,
the tour bus Wi-Fi,

and the Wi-Fi at home.
That’s correct.

Okay.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd this time...

I made them passwords unusual
\h\h\h\hso we would remember them

\hbut they couldn’t
be guessed easily.

Great. Yeah, the 1-2-3-4
was kind of stupid.\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI didn’t do that.
I know.

\h\h\h\hBubba J. did,
but he still forgot it.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight.
Yeah.

So what’s the password
for the Wi-Fi backstage?

-I can’t tell you.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-What?

-I can’t tell you.
\h\h\h\h\h-Why not?

\h\h\h\h\h-Why not what?
-What can’t you tell me?

-Tell you what?
-The password.

\h\h-I just did.
-No, you didn’t.

-Yes, I did.
-What is it?

I can’t tell you.
\h\h\h\h-Why not?

\h\h\h\h-Why not what?
-Why can’t you tell me?

\h\h-I just did.
-Are you insane?!

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-No.
-Then what’s the password?

-I can’t tell you.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Jerk!

\h\h\h\h\h\h-What?
-You’re a big jerk!

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Why?
-I’m asking for one

\h\h\h\h\hsimple password
for our Wi-Fi backstage.

-And you should have it.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-What is it?

-I can’t tell you.
\h\h\h-I hate you!

[ Laughter ]

-Are we good?
\h\h\h-Fine!

-Fine.
-Fine!

-Fine.
-Fine!-Can I have the one for the bus?
-Yes.

\h-What’s that one?
-I don’t remember.

-Why not?

\h\h\h\h\h-Why not what?
-Why can’t you remember?

\h\h\h\h-No, I don’t remember.
-Okay. Why don’t you remember?

-I do.
-Okay.

\h\h\h\h-Okay.
-So what is it?

-I don’t remember.
\h\h\h\h-Holy crap.

-Did you write it down?
\h\h\h\h-Why should I?

-In case you forgot it.
\h\h-I won’t forget it.

-Clearly, you just did.
\h\h\h\h-No, I didn’t.

-Then what’s the password?
\h\h\h\h-I don’t remember.

What the --

We have
three Wi-Fi networks.
Yes.

\h\hAnd you made up
all the passwords.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI did.-And you know them all.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-By heart.

-And I should have them, too.
\h\h\h-Of course you should.

What is the password
for the Wi-Fi backstage?

I can’t tell you.

What’s the one
\hfor the bus?

I don’t remember.You have the one
\hfor the house?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes.

-And what is that one?
-You have to guess it.

I can’t guess it!

[ Laughter and applause ]

-Well, of course not.
\h\h\h-So what is it?

-You have to guess it.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-I can’t!

You’re making no sense.

making no sense?
\h\h\hmaking no sense.

\h\h\hI don’t know
what to say to you.

What’s the Wi-Fi password
for the house?

-You have to guess it.
\h\h\h\h\h\h-Screw you!

I don’t deserve that.

I asked you for the password
for the backstage.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes.
-You said I can’t tell you.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yes.
-Then I asked for the tour-bus

\h\hone, you said,
"I don’t remember."

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAlso correct.
And now the one
for the house.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou say
you have to guess it.

You got them all perfectly.

\h\h\h\hWhat the hell
are you talking about?!

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\hWould you like to see the
passwords in black-and-white?

Yes, I would.

-They’re on my computer.
\h\h\h\h\h-Can I go look?

-Of course.
\h\hThanks!

-Oh, wait.
\h\h-What?

What’s the password
for your computer?

Who’s asking?

[ Laughter ]

I am.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYou’re what?
I’m asking for the password

on your computer.
\h-Who’s asking?

\h\h\h\hHello?
I’m right here.

Computer password.

Who’s asking?

[ Laughter ]

Peanut is ask-i-i-ing.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h-Well --
-Never mind.

Maybe I should ask
\h\h\hyour mother.

What’d you say?

Ask your mother.

\hThat’s the one
for my cellphone.

[ Inhales sharply ]

[ Laughter ]

This is not 6 feet.

Oh, I’m sorry, Jeff.

I’m harassing you...

sexually.

[ Laughter and applause ]

\h\h\hI could always
just send you a picture.

Please don’t do that.

Again?
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYes.

Wait. You gonna take
a family photo this holiday?We always do.

\h\h\hThat has to be
a confusing picture now.

\h\h\h\h-Why?
-Oh, come on!

You with two little guys
of your own,

and now one of your daughters
has a kid

not much younger
\hthan your kids.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hRight.
\hYou’ll need a graph
to explain this thing.

\h\hThat’s his wife,
but she’s his daughter,

\h\hwho’s the aunt
of the little guys

that are the uncles
\h\h\h\hof her kid,

and his wife looks like
she could be his daughter,

but she’s really a grandma
of that kid,

who’s also the nephew
and grandson to them.

\h\hAnd then there’s
the son-in-law and the sister.

They’re the same age,
and his wife once removed,

but no one can remember
any of this

\hbecause they all
have on m-a-a-asks!

[ Laughter and applause ]

\h\h\h\h\h\hSeriously, though,
you can’t be too careful.

A good number of celebrities
\h\hhave contracted the virus.

Idris Elba and The Rock
\h\hboth tested positive.

\h\h\h\h\h\hSeems like a lot
of sex symbols got sick.

Oh, then you’ll be fine.

[ Laughter and applause ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hSo, during this,
how’s your dating been going?

Oh! Um, well --

\h\h\h\h\h\hSeems like it’d be
a lot scarier these days.

\h\h\hOh, yeah, yeah,
it is different right now.

\h\h\h\h\hWith masks,
everything is a blind date.

And nowadays, you don’t ask,
"What’s your sign?"

\h\h\h\h\h\hyou ask,
"What’s your symptom?"

[ Laughter ]

And forget the traveling.
The traveling.

I got e-mails that say, "Look,
we’re cleaning the planes now."

Now?

You’re cleaning
the planes now?

\hNow? What the heck
were you doing before?

[ Laughter ]

Couple of guys inside with
frickin’ leaf blowers?

Hey, has this pandemic
been making you feel

trapped inside your home?
Yeah, pretty much.

\hHeh. Kind of stuck?
A little claustrophobic?

You can’t go anywhere
even if you wanted to?

That’s exactly right.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWell,
remember that every time

\h\hyou put one of us
back in the box, a-hole.

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

Oh, yeah. The master
has become the student.

Payback’s a bi-otch!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, folks, tonight,
everything has been new

and is brand-new
except for right now.

I would like
to repeat a routine

that started all of this
for me and Peanut

on "The Tonight Show
with Johnny Carson"

many years ago.
[ Gasps ]
We're gonna do this?

-Yes.
-Oh, good! Yeah!

It was also when I introduced
for the first time on TV

another guy that has been
in my act ever since.

Really?
We're gonna do this?

-Yep.
-Yep, yep, yep!

You got the guy
we got in Mexico?

I do.
He's over here.

Check it out.
You're gonna love this.

Get him out.
Look, look, look!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Are you ready?
-Sí, señor.

Now, what in the world
do you think that is?

A jalapeño on a stick.

That's a jalapeño
on a stick.

-Sí.
-Well, what's your name?

-My name Jose.
-Jose?

-Sí.
-Jose what?

-Jose Jalapeño.
-Right.

On a stick.

Well, most folks never seen
a talking jalapeño before.

-Is my job.
-Your job?

-Sí.
-Do you have any other jobs?

-Sí.
-What?

I'm a comedian.
-Ah, comedian.

On a stick.

Well, do you enjoy
being in this country?

I'm afraid for my life.

-Why?
-Taco Bell.

[ Laughter ]

Well, would you feel safer
in the box?

It's much nicer
in the box.

-Okay.
-That's great.

-Okay, put him in.
-Okay.

Don't close the door!

-Why not?
-The cockroaches.

You have cockroaches
in there?

-One big one.
-I see.

On a stick.

Say, Jeff,
you seen my dummy?

You have a dummy?

Yeah, he's in the case
over there, and he is ugly.

-He's ugly?
-Dude, he is nasty-looking.

Well, I've never
seen him before.

Check him out.
Look, look, look, look!

Right here.
That's it. Look, look.

[ Laughter ]

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

[ Inhales loudly ]

[ Laughter ]

Peanut, this dummy
looks a little like me.

What?
Naaaah!

He looks a lot like you!

No, no, wait, wait.
Hang on.

You know what else
is killing me about this?

-What?
-That dummy is more than

30 years old, and your hairstyle
is exactly the same.

[ Laughter ]

Well, let's see
if we can get him to work.

Okay, what Jeff does,
he takes a little dummy

and he puts him over here
in front of me.

That's right.
And there's a little lever

down by
the little dummy's waist,

and Peanut
can reach back there,

he grabs onto that lever,

pulls on it once for each
syllable of every word,

and then he can
make him talk.

Now, do you have
ahold of the lever?

He's got ahold
of something.

[ Laughter ]

-Did I move my lips?
-No, they moved your hand.

Let's not get
in an argument here.

Why don't we just
have a drink?

♪ Oh, we're gonna
have a drink ♪

♪ A drink, a drink

Is that tequila, señor?

[ Laughter ]

No, it's not tequila.
It's wine.

You wouldn't want
a tequila.
Why not?

It would have a worm
in the bottom.

A worm.
Well, I don't want a worm.

You got a worm.

Hi, there.

-What are you?
-I'm a worm.

-A worm?
-A worm.

-The worm.
-The worm.

-Yeah.
-On a stick.

[ Laughter ]

-What do you do?
-I don't do anything.

-That figures.
-Good for nothing.

-I don't like the little guy.
-Who do you not like?

-I don't like the little guy.
-You don't like me?

-No, the other guy.
-Who, me?

-No, him.
-I don't like you, either.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Okay. Fine.
There we go.

[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

Yeah,
you think that's good,

but someday, his tongue
is gonna get a hernia.

[ Laughter ]

-Well, can we take a drink?
-Yeah, go ahead.

-Okay.
-Wait a minute!

-What's wrong?
-I forgot.

I gotta open up
the cellar.

You have a cellar
in the bottle?

Yeah.
[ All laugh ]

[ Laughter ]

This is getting weird,
dude.

What are you gonna do now?
Well, I'm gonna take a drink.

Do I get some?

Well, when I'm drinking,
you're going to talk.

Wait a minute!
You know what's gonna happen

if you drink that
and I talk?
What?

We're all going
to choke to death.

[ Laughter ]

-Let's just try it.
-Okay.

Here we go.
Let's put this over here.

-Yeah.
-There we go.

Put that right in there.

Ahh, looks lovely.

Okay, here we go.
[ Clears throat ]

Here we go.

[ Both breathing deeply ]

[ Laughter ]

-[ Clears throat ]
-[ Clears throat ]

[ Clears throat ]

[ Belches ]

-What was that?
-A burrito.

[ Laughter ]

On a stick.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the dangerous part.

-Take your time.
-Okay.

-Good luck.
-Thank you.

[ Clears throat ]

You're going to die,
señor.

[ Laughter ]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
the dangerous part.

It's going up
to his lips and...

going, going, going, going,
going, going, gone!

Yay!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Thanks, Peanut.
-Thanks, everybody!

That's Peanut, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you.

Well, folks, our last guy
\h\h\h\hfor the evening,

\h\h\hI can’t believe I get
to give this introduction,

\h\h\h\hbut here it is.
Please help me welcome

the most beloved terrorist
\h\h\hthroughout the world,

Achmed, the dead terrorist.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

Greetings, infidels!

[ Cheers and applause ]

How are you, Achmed?

I am angry!

\h\hWhat are you
angry about now?

You know my famous saying.

\hWell, it’s your saying,
but I think, you know --

Silence!

I kill you!

[ Cheers and applause ]

\h\hAm I right?
My saying, see?

\h\h\h\h\hOkay.
What about it?

\h\h\h\hWell, I think
it was stolen from me

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hby some
stupid bat in China.

[ Laughter ]

\h-Well --
-It’s true!

Now it’s, "Silence!
\h\h\h\hI kill you!

Squeak, squeak!"

[ Laughter ]

Yep. Anything else
you’re angry about?

\hYes, I am angry at
the lazy, amateur rioters.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Lazy?
-Are you kidding me?

\h\h\h\h\h\hThey have
all their rioting supplies

dropped off for them
on the sight.

You wusses!
In my day,

we blew ourselves
\hto smithereens,

\h\hand we were
happy about it!

\h\hAnd speaking of
loud annoyances...

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
-...how are your boys?

[ Laughter ]

\hMy boys are not
loud annoyances.\h-Yes, they are.
-No, they’re not.

\h-Yes, they are.
-No, they’re not.

\h\h[ Muffled ]
Yes, they are.

[ Laughter ]

Sometimes Walter and I
actually agree on stuff.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h-My boys are fine.
-How old are they now? 4?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-5.
-5-year-old twins.

\h\h\h\h\h-Yeah.
-You’re so crazy.

Why, you successfully
raised three girls

just barely had them
out the front door,

then you married Audrey,
and -- ckkm!

-Started over.
\h-You’re nuts.

That’s like slamming your finger
in the car door

and then saying, "Hey,
let’s try that crap again."

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\hHow about you, Achmed?
How’s the terror business?

\h\hWell, we’re all
working from home.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYep,
it’s pretty demoralizing.

Whenever we meet up on Zoom,
I can tell that

most of the other terrorists
put on their suicide vests

and don’t bother
putting pants on.

[ Laughter ]

Vest and pelvis --
\h\h\h\hthat’s it.

\h\h\hI got so bored,
three different times

I blew up my own house.

\h\hYou did?
Three times?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah,
it’s like doing your hair.

\h\h\h\h\h\hYou know,
wash, rinse, repeat?

\hThis is, you know,
set, explode, rebuild.[ Laughter ]

\hThat’s a good
hobby for you?

-Not anymore!
\h\h-Why not?

My insurance company
canceled me!

Which insurance company?

Hate Farm.

[ Laughter ]

Have you taken up any other jobs
during the pandemic?

I sell my plasma.

[ Laughter ]

\h\hI didn’t think
you had any plasma.

That’s why I demand
the money up front.

[ Laughter ]

\h\hHave you been
getting out much?

\hWell, last week,
I went to Walmart,

and I was surprised to see
that Walter was the greeter.

What the hell?

That’s his side job now.

\h\hYeah, when I was
walking up, he said,

\h\h"Put on the mask
or I Tase your bony ass!"

[ Laughter ]

At least it rhymed.

\hSilence!
I kill you.

\h\h\hOh, yeah,
squeak, squeak.

[ Laughter ]

\h\hI can’t believe
I’m admitting this,

but I think that,
\h\h\hdeep down,

Walter is actually
\h\h\h\ha good guy.Why do you say that?

\hWell, he Tased me,
got that out of his system,

\h\h\h\hthen told me
that the bomb-making materials

were on aisle 17.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hAnd, Achmed,
how do you make a bomb?

\h\h\hOh, I’d say do
a comedy special just like this.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Thank you so much.
\h\h\hI’m a genius.

Yes, I am.

I think it’s going well.

Dude, everyone is so desperate
for live entertainment,

you could’ve come out here
and made balloon animals

\h\h\h\hand gotten
a standing ovation.

[ Laughter and applause ]

Look, tonight is supposed to
\h\h\h\h\h\hbe about Thanksgiving.
\h\h\h\hYes.

\h\h\h\hAre you and your family
properly social distancing?

\h\hOh, yeah. I stay
6 feet away from the sheep.

[ Laughter ]

They’re so annoying.
They’re like,

"You’re too cl-o-o-o-ose."

\h\h\h\hIt’s a joke.
I don’t mess with animals.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Great.
-Especially not with cows.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h-Why?
-I have to avoid dairy.

[ Laughter ]

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHow about other ways
of maintaining good health?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hHave you learned
do not touch your face?

I don’t have a face.

I’ll kill you!

Squeak-squeak.

Have you done anything
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hworthwhile

during all our time off?

Yeah. I have learned
to Zoom-suicide-bomb.

I think you mean
\hjust Zoom-bomb.

There’s no suicide-bombing
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hZoom meetings.

Just wait.

Anything else?

I am starting
to stand up for myself more.

Oh? How’s that?

\hInstead of just
deleting e-mails,

I am now unsubscribing!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-That’s good.
\h\h\h\h-Yes.

And do not send me a
"Why did you unsubscribe?"

e-mail after I unsubscribe
from your e-mails!

That’s like hanging up
\h\hon a telemarketer,

and then they start texting you.

"You up?"

So, how are the virgins?

Uh, they’re taking up
too much space.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hWhat?
There’s 72 of them,

\h\h\h\h\hand now they’re all
6 feet apart from each other.

And they’re all
wearing masks?

You idiot!

\h\h\h\h\h\h\hThey were
already wearing masks.

\h\h\hSo you never know
what they look like.

Not until you
\h\hpick one.

You know, it’s like getting
scratchers from the lottery.

Wonder what’s under here.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hYeah!

Oh, I lost.

Fix my foot.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hI will.

\h\h\h\hThank you.
How long was it like that?

I don’t know.

So embarrassing.

Ro!

You’re the nurse.
How long was my foot like that?

A couple minutes.

A couple minutes?
Okay, thanks a lot.

I kill you!
Squeak-squeak!

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

So, Achmed, I know you've
been working on

something for us tonight.
Oh, yes!

You know my song from the few
years back, "Jingle Bombs"?

You know that song?
[ Cheers and applause ]

Yes.

It was a huge hit.
Yes, it was.

Or, as we say in
the business, it exploded.

Of course.

Well, I have now written
a song for this crazy

time we have all been
going through.

Okay.
I call it

"Achmed's up on the
Housetop: Ode to COVID."

Alright, perfect.
Maestro, please.

♪♪

Is this gonna be good?
Of course it is.

Just listen.
Okay.

[ Clears throat ]

♪ Up on the housetop
is where I'll be ♪

♪ Up here,
no one can cough on me ♪

♪ Can't go to
restaurants or even bars ♪

♪ I miss the days
when we only had SARS ♪

♪ Ha ha ha
♪ COVID blows

♪ Ha ha ha
♪ Swab up my nose

♪ Waiting on the housetop,
tick, tick, tick ♪

♪ Avoiding all the folks
who are sick, sick, sick ♪

That was good.
Silence! I'm not done yet.

Okay.
There's more.

Great.
Here we go. [ Clears throat ]

♪ My kids watch school for
an hour and a half ♪

♪ As the teacher talks,
he plays "Minecraft" ♪

♪ Go out of the shower
in my room ♪

♪ My kids's whole class
saw me naked on Zoom ♪

♪ Ha ha ha

♪ 2020 sucked

♪ Ha ha ha

♪ We all got screwed

♪ Up on the housetop is
where I'll be ♪

♪ Wishing for the end of 2020

[ Cheers and applause ]

Not done!

♪ We all sit at home
eating all day long ♪

♪ Did you get so fat that
your shorts are now a thong? ♪

♪ Wear yourself a mask
without fail ♪

♪ 'Cause if you don't,
they'll drag you off to jail ♪

♪ Ha ha ha

♪ What day is it?

♪ Ha ha ha

♪ Who gives a crap?

♪ Up on the housetop,
I'll just stay ♪

♪ Lots of store fights
on Black Friday ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay!

♪ All I want for Christmas
is a vaccine ♪

♪ Being all bone,
I could also use a steam ♪

♪ Can't take a pic with
Santa in the mall ♪

♪ To make things worse, he
smells like alcohol ♪

♪ Ha ha ha

♪ This year was trash

♪ Ha ha ha

♪ Hope Santa doesn't crash

♪ Up on the housetop
feeling blue ♪

♪ Waiting for the day that...

♪ I kill you

Squeak-squeak!

You guys have been awesome!
Thanks for coming out tonight.

Happy Thanksgiving,
merry Christmas,

happy New Year,
happy Hanukkah!

There we go.
Thank you!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

My lovely wife, Audrey,
ladies and gentlemen.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Happy holidays, everybody.
Thanks for coming.

Hope you had fun.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Keep laughing.

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause continue ]