Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen,

it’s been eight months since he’s been onstage,

and every joke tonight is brand-new

and never tried on any person or any audience anywhere.

So he’s either the smartest man in Hollywood

or the dumbest guy in the country,

which is probably exactly the same thing.

Please welcome your pal and mine,

Jeff Dunham!

Thank you so very much.

Wow, look at all you guys.

This is fantastic. You know, the last time I did a show,

it was in March, it was in Florida,

and there was 10,000 people.

What the heck happened?

We’re less than 100 now.

You know, the great part is we all got out

of our houses, right? Yes?

And now we’re in grave danger of catching something horrible.

So thank you for coming.

But the question is, why are we here this evening? We’re here because I

want to be. And why do I want to be here? Because you want to be here.

We’ve gone through a crazy time. We’re going to get through it.

But it’s the holiday season. We want to laugh.

We want to be together with our families

and as a big family right now.

So you ready for some fun? How about it? Yes?

I’m glad you’re here, but it has been

a full eight months since I’ve been on stage.

And I’ve never done that.

Besides my honeymoon, I’ve never... This is true.

I’ve never gone more than two weeks without doing a show

since the fifth grade.

So for me, this has been like going through

some sort of withdrawal.

And about halfway through it, I finally got so depressed.

I did a show in our living room

for our twin 5 year old boys and the dog.

Tough crowd, they just wanted snacks.

But now I can honestly say this is all brand new,

untried material.

No one has heard any of these jokes.

I’ve never heard of any comedian doing this. You know why?

Because nobody else is stupid enough to try it.

Everyone’s had to cancel stuff, and we do every year,

you know, stuff we always do like birthdays, graduations.

But for me the big one was our ventriloquist convention.

We had to cancel that. It’s every summer.

It’s always around 600 people

who all share the same interest in ventriloquism.

Being there, though, it makes Achmed a little nervous

because he’s used to meeting only 72 virgins at a time.

Thank you. I’m never going to be asked back, but whatever.

As for the holidays, it’s gotten a bit complicated at our house.

You see, my wife is now completely vegan,

and so I now am by proxy.

Well, she’s the one who cooks. What am I going to do?

And our 5 year old boys go along with the vegan thing.

However, I was very proud of little James the other day

for being honest after he tried

some vegan cheese that mommy gave him.

Yeah, this is the exact quote while he was eating the cheese.

"I don’t like it. It’s killing my body a little."

And of course, we’re home schooling the boys now.

The teacher’s name is Netflix.

And if we want the boys to read, we just turn on the subtitles.

Also, we wanted to give our boys

that authentic early years school experience,

so every morning I shove their faces in the dirt

and take their lunch money.

And I know it’s recommended that you play old school games

with the kids during the quarantine.

But with the vegan thing in our house,

there’s no duck, duck, goose.

Nope. We play soy, soy, tofu.

Quarantine, red rover, red rover.

- No one can come over. - And hide-and-seek is more like "hide and sit down for a while

So I can get a few damn minutes to myself."

Anyway, enough of that. You guys ready

for the little people in the boxes?

Thank you.

Thank you. So the first guy I’d like to introduce,

I think audiences enjoy because everyone knows someone like this

in your own family or where you work.

Please help me welcome my old friend Walter.

Walter, how are you?

How the hell you think?

Well, you playing it safe with the mask?

- Oh, yeah. - Okay.

Yeah, I think I’m about to die though.

Why? I picked up the wrong damn mask.

- You did? - Yeah.

This is yours, and your breath stinks.

Can I take it off?

Please do. And then get yourself a damn Tic Tac for God’s sakes.

How’s everything else? Oh, it’s just great.

This has been the best year ever!

Then after all these months, you told me we were going

to finally get to do a show again.

- That’s right. - I was happy.

- Really? - Yeah.

Then we get here, and we’re outdoors.

And the size of this audience makes it look like

we’re doing a frickin’ bar mitzvah

for one of the unpopular kids.

This sucks!

- But we’re outdoors. - I know!

Do a show, get a tick.

This is a lovely place.

For a birthday party.

Hey, let’s go play pin the tail on the moron

who decided to do this.

Walter, we’re here to make people laugh.

Yeah, well, and we’re in the middle of the terrible pandemic.

So let’s have a chuckle.

People could use a laugh right now.

I could use some crack right now.

- Well... - Outside.

- Yeah. - No walls.

- Right. - No curtain.

Yeah, this is Comedy Central

on a budget.

This is a great venue.

You have been quarantined too damn long.

- Walter... - This looks like the patrons

had nowhere to go after a Chuck E. Cheese burnt down.

So what have you been doing all this time off?

Well, uh, actually, I had my hips replaced.

Your hips?

- Both knees. - Really?

Yeah. Had my shoulder replaced.

- I had no idea. - Yeah.

I’m trying to get out of my marriage

one body part at a time.

- Don’t you think this is great being on TV? I don’t care. - My wife and I have been locked up alone in our house

Together for so long, it’s just a matter of time

before we end up on "Dateline."

How have you been holding up through all of this?

Well, I just hope you washed your hand for 20 seconds

before you put it where it is.

Aren’t we supposed to be six feet apart?

- Well... - Oh, wait, yes.

We did that. I couldn’t talk.

You can’t throw your voice a measly six feet?

Yes, I can. Oh, then I guess my mouth wouldn’t move.

’Cause you couldn’t pull on the little thingamajig back there.

You’d be like, "Hey, Walter!"

And I’d be like, "Hey, Lorne. How’s it going?"

So do you wear a mask when you go to the store and all that?

Sure.

I like the idiots who wear masks over their mouths,

but not their noses, too.

Dimwits. That’s like wearing a jockstrap on your knees.[

I mean, it’s there. But what’s the point?

You know, I read that medical experts say

people should wear masks during time of you know...

Oh, come on, you don’t need a mask.

No, no. You can hold your breath

for 34 seconds.

So how’s everything been going with your wife?

Oh, we’ve been getting on each other’s nerves

and fighting all the time.

Sorry to hear that. Yeah.

You mean since the quarantine?

Since our wedding.

Oh.

But we’re staying 6 feet apart.

- What? - Yeah, it’s the closest

we’ve been in years.

With the pandemic, you know, we can’t get together

with people we’re usually around.

Sometimes we can’t visit family.

I know. Is this thing great or what?

You know, many people say

they’ve put on weight during the pandemic.

My wife started putting on weight during the pandemic.

- She did. - Yeah... of 1919.

I’m not kidding. She didn’t get the Spanish flu.

She got Spanish desserts.

Like flan. What the hell?

I think those are called tapas.

Yeah, well, she’s at

the "top of" her weight class.

So what have you and your family been up to?

Well, during the quarantine,

I wanted to get out of the house safely.

So I asked Audrey what she thought about getting an RV.

- An RV? - Yeah.

And then I guess she asked you what you thought about

her getting a younger husband.

And what’s up for you at Thanksgiving?

No relatives are coming over?

Not if I can help that. I think we’re going to have

Thanksgiving on Zoom.

A lot of families are doing that.

How great is that?

You get sick of being with your family,

you just shut the laptop.

You can’t dislike everybody like that at once.

Yes, I can.

It’s actually usually a good day.

A big mean, and then a nice nap.

Oh, you know, tryptophan is the enzyme in turkey

- that makes you drowsy. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. - It’s kind of like talking to you.

You say you and your wife are vegan?

It’s not Thanksgiving without a turkey.

There’s still the sides like salad and green beans.

Good Lord. That’s not Thanksgiving.

Your holiday should be called "Thanks for nothing."

I won’t have the tryptophan, so I won’t get sleepy.

Oh, you’ll still be sleepy, all right,

but it’s from malnutrition.

You know, they say vegans live longer.

No, they don’t. Time just feels like it moves slower

when you’re talking to one.

And where you’re originally from,

Texas, vegans do not live longer.

What are you talking about?

If you’re at a restaurant in Texas and ask,

"What are your vegan options?"

They say you have the option to get the hell out.

Anything else happen to you during all our time off?

Well, during our quarantine,

I kept trying to hide from my wife.

- You did? - Yeah. Then I realized

she was using that Find My Phone thing to track me down.

No!

So then I started duct-taping the phone

to the dog just to throw her off.

- That’s creative. - Yeah.

She thinks I’d love to explore our backyard.

Very nice. Yeah, but the other day,

all hell broke loose when somehow FaceTime clicked on

and it looked like I was humping the poodle next door.

Say good night, Walter. Thanks, everybody!

That’s Walter. Here we go.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

This is how I screw with the sound guy.

Ready? Check the microphone,

Check, one, two.

What’s wrong? Come on!

So, my next friend, all I can say is,

his hobby is drinking. Please help me welcome Bubba J.

How you doing, Bubba J.?

I’m drunk.

No. No, you’re not. Yeah, I am.

But I’m safe ’cause I got my mask on.

It’s the wrong kind of mask.

No, it’s not. It’s supposed to go over your mouth.

But then I can’t drink, duh!

Bubba J., how you been handling the pandemic?

There’s a pandemic?

Yes, that’s what we’re talking about.

Why do you think we’ve been staying at home so much?

Walter said it’s ’cause your career is over with.

Have you ever heard of COVID?

Uh, COVID...

I think when I was a kid, my dad was dating her.

No, it’s COVID-19.

Yeah, 19 years old. Yeah, that’s her.

No, COVID-19 is a virus.

Yeah. That’s how Mom described her, all right.

Bubba J.... I’m kidding.

I know about the tam... The pan... uh, tan, pam...

Pamdemic, damic thing.

Yeah, yeah. The quarantine?

Sure.

Yeah, it’s been no big deal.

Why not? I was already under house arrest.

Oh.

Yeah, but we drove everywhere.

How can you be under house arrest

and be driving around?

It’s a mobile house arrest.

Hey, you want to know

the best way to avoid touching your face?

- Sure. - Put a beer in each hand.

Thank you very much. Thank you, thank you.

And by the way, I would like to thank

all the front-line workers in strip clubs...

...who are willing to take it all off except for the masks.

You went to a strip club during the pandemic?

Oh, yeah, it was tough.

All my dollars kept bouncing off the plexiglass.

Poor Sally Jo.

You know a stripper by name?

Well, I should. She’s my sister.

So what else did you do during our time off?

I signed a lot of autographs.

Oh, people recognized you?

Ha! No, they thought I owned a zoo full of tigers.

Yeah, you know, the accent, a mullet... we all look alike.

Oh, good, the black guy laughed.

Okay.

Not as hard, but he did laugh.

All right.

- What are your fellers’ names there? I’m Ken. - Ken. Good to see you, Ken.

Ken, what do you do?

Civil engineer. Civil engineer.

Okay. I don’t get any jokes about that, so...

And who’s the other guy?

I’m Ro. Ro. Ken and Ro.

Ro, what do you do for a living?

I’m a nurse.

A nur... Oh, so many jokes!

And, Ro, what kind of nurse are you?

Where you work? ICU.

Oh, I see you, too, but where do you work?

What’d I say?

There’s holes in my mask

I can see you.

Hey, Ken, every once in a while, do you turn to the guy next to you and go,

Well, thanks for coming out, fellers.

It’s nice having you. Are we gonna move on?

We’ll move on.

This is better than the you wrote.

Let me talk to some more folks.

Anyway, Bubba... So how’s your better half?

Ha ha! You stink at fractions.

She’s more like my better three-fourths.

Bubba J., do you two ever argue

when you’re cooped up together?

Oh, yeah, but it never lasts.

That’s good. Yeah.

She’s always the bigger person.

Even when I’m right, she just sits on me.

Yeah, both my wife and I

put on a few pounds during the quarantine.

Really? Yeah.

I don’t know what I look like naked,

and I don’t want to look, but when my wife undresses...

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Bubba J., I don’t know if we want to hear this.

Oh, sure you do. It’s hot.

She looks like cranberry sauce sliding out of the can.

Yeah, you know what I’m talking ’bout.

And when she’s wearing yoga pants,

it makes the same noise.

Bubba J....

I love that it’s cheap, sweet, and jiggly!

Chikka chikka wow, wow!

Ckwwp!

You can still see all the lines on her, too.

That’s enough.

That’s my Thanksgiving right there.

So you’re saying it’s still a good relationship?

Oh, sure, we do everything together.

Really? We drink together.

We pass out together. Yeah? What else?

Well, that’s everything. Oh.

Hi. How are you guys?

They’re waving at me. Good to see you.

What’s your first name?

Jacinia.

Yo... Oh, crap.

Sounded more like a holiday than a name.

Did you say Yos... "Yosenia"?

Jacinia. Jacinia.

What’s the difference?

Okay, Jacinia. That’s a beautiful name.

Is that name have a certain nationality,

background kind of thing? Mexican, yeah. Mexican. Okay, good.

Yeah. So, like 15 years ago,

- I could make some jokes. - Now I’m

What do you do for a living, Yosemite?

What?

She’s gonna blow!

It wasn’t a Mexican joke.

No.

I’m okay. All right.

Can’t do racist stuff.

No! Pfft! I can.

No.

Trust me, they won’t realize it’s you.

Okay. And is this guy next to you

your husband or boyfriend or a guy with a weird name?

What’s your name, sir?

Chris. Chris... Oh, thank God.

That was easy.

Well, Jacinia, it’s very nice meeting you.

You’re lovely. I think.

You got a mask on. I don’t know.

You’re hot.

All right, let’s keep going here.

Thanks for talking to us, uh, Chris and

So, Bubba J., on the first Thanksgiving,

Pilgrims got together with Native Americans.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Which casino?

Did you know I have an Indian name?

I did not know that. What is it?

Running Tab.Oh.

Thank you, thank you.

Do you help with the meal?

Oh, sure, I baste the turkey.

You do? Yeah, I’m good at it.

Great. Yeah, I’m the master baster.

Do you ever take the leftover bones and make soup?

Well, we used to, but now it looks like

we’re cooking Achmed.

No.

So, when you were growing up,

I guess your Thanksgivings were small

’cause you were an only child.

Well, that’s right, but it wasn’t so bad.

I don’t know. If I didn’t have any brothers or sisters,

I never would’ve had my first kiss.

Wh-a-a-at?

Bubba J., you’re not supposed to kiss your siblings like that.

It’s okay. I asked for consent.

So, why are you an only child? I don’t really know.

Maybe your parents just learned from their mistakes.

Walter told me that joke to tell you.

That wasn’t nice. I’m sorry.

Hey, your 5-year-old twins are uncles now, right?

That’s right. My oldest daughter had a baby.

Yeah, I became an uncle the day my son was born.

I know. Figure that one out.

It’s like the math in school

you’re not supposed to talk about.

And unlike your parents, my parents had a lot of us kids. They

wanted a big family. No. Dad said they did it

in case they ever needed another liver.

Like my wise old grandpa used to say to me,

"You can’t get hung over if you’re never not drunk."

Thank you.

And I understand you’ve been

homeschooling your kids, as well.

Yeah, yeah. Mainly me doing it.

Oh. So what does your wife do

while you homeschool the kids?

She’s the lunch lady.

She is hot in a hairnet.

Okay.

How’s the schooling going?

Okay. We had the one computer at the house.

Right. Yeah. It was fun till last week’s

show-and-tell when one of the boys

decided to show-and-tell Daddy’s browser history.

So what happened?

I taught them about plausible deniability.

And self-defense from an angry lunch lady.

How are your boys doing?

Well, they’re doing great.

They’ve learned the alphabet backwards and forwards.

Yeah. In case they get pulled over.

Bubba J., are you familiar with the three R’s?

Sure, ’rest, rehab, and relapse.

I proved that it’s now possible

for teachers to still come to class

and work drunk with no pants.

You need to quit drinking.

Yeah, but, you know, sometimes drinkin’

makes me more inventive.

How’s that? Well, two nights ago,

I got so drunk, I couldn’t figure out how to set my alarm.

Okay. So I just turned on

my microwave for eight hours.

Is there anything you dislike about Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I don’t like having over our embarrassing drunk uncle.

Sure. Then I realized that was me.

Are you gonna go shopping on Black Friday this year?

Jeff, all Fridays matter.

Say good night, Bubba J.

Thanks, everybody!

Thank you.

This next guy has been in my act for many, many years.

He’s purple, he’s wacky.

Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!

Thank you! How you doing, Peanut?

Doing pretty good. How about you?

I’m fine. That’s good, that’s good,

that’s g-o-o-o-o-ood.

Ha ha!

Hang on. Isn’t this dangerous?

What? Pandemic!

You’re not 6 feet aw-a-a-ay!

- What? - 6 feet.

- What? - 6 f-e-e-eet!

- 6 fee... - Stop it!

Don’t touch my face! Wait. Is that the same

thing? Well, you’re not supposed to touch your face,

but can you touch somebody else’s face? Peanut

...Can I touch your face? Touch your face.

I can touch your f-a-a-ace.

Touch your face.

I like to touch the face, Jeff-fuh-fuh!

Not that. Oh, come on, Jeff-fuh-fuh!

Too many consonants wasted!

J-E-F is "Jef," but it’s Jef-fuh-fuh.

Why is it always a guy’s name

with too many consonants on the end?

Jeff-fuh-fuh. Scott-ta-ta.

Glenn-nah-nah. All guys.

You never hear girls. You ever hear Elizabeth-ha-ha

or Mary-ee-ee-eee!

What was your name? Jasmine.

Jasmine. Oh, there you go...

Jasmine-na-na-na-na- na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Nyow!

Hey, before I forget,

you changed all our Wi-Fi passwords.

I did. Why?

Uh, security maintenance.

Did you just make that word up?

I think so. Okay.

So you changed all three to new passwords.

Yes, I did. Okay.

The backstage Wi-Fi, the tour bus Wi-Fi,

and the Wi-Fi at home. That’s correct.

Okay. And this time...

I made them passwords unusual so we would remember them

but they couldn’t be guessed easily.

Great. Yeah, the 1-2-3-4 was kind of stupid. I didn’t

do that. I know. Bubba J. did, but he still forgot it.

Right. Yeah.

So what’s the password for the Wi-Fi backstage?

- I can’t tell you. - What?

- I can’t tell you. - Why not?

- Why not what? - What can’t you tell me?

- Tell you what? - The password.

- I just did. - No, you didn’t.

- Yes, I did. - What is it?

I can’t tell you. - Why not?

- Why not what? - Why can’t you tell me?

- I just did. - Are you insane?!

- No. - Then what’s the password?

- I can’t tell you. - Jerk!

- What? - You’re a big jerk!

- Why? - I’m asking for one

simple password for our Wi-Fi backstage.

- And you should have it. - What is it?

- I can’t tell you. - I hate you!

- Are we good? - Fine!

- Fine. - Fine!

Fine. - Fine!-Can I have the one for the bus?

Yes. -What’s that one? - I don’t remember.

-Why not?

- Why not what? - Why can’t you remember?

- No, I don’t remember. - Okay. Why don’t you remember?

- I do. - Okay.

- Okay. - So what is it?

- I don’t remember. - Holy crap.

- Did you write it down? - Why should I?

- In case you forgot it. - I won’t forget it.

- Clearly, you just did. - No, I didn’t.

- Then what’s the password? - I don’t remember.

What the...

We have three Wi-Fi networks. Yes.

And you made up all the passwords. I did.-And you know them all.

By heart. -And I should have them, too. - Of course you should.

What is the password for the Wi-Fi backstage?

I can’t tell you.

What’s the one for the bus?

I don’t remember. You have the one for the house? Yes.

And what is that one? - You have to guess it.

I can’t guess it!

- Well, of course not. - So what is it?

- You have to guess it. - I can’t!

You’re making no sense.

Making no sense? Making no sense.

I don’t know what to say to you.

What’s the Wi-Fi password for the house?

- You have to guess it. - Screw you!

I don’t deserve that.

I asked you for the password for the backstage.

- Yes. - You said I can’t tell you.

- Yes. - Then I asked for the tour-bus

one, you said, "I don’t remember."

Also correct. And now the one for the house.

You say you have to guess it.

You got them all perfectly.

What the hell are you talking about?!

Would you like to see the passwords in black-and-white?

Yes, I would.

- They’re on my computer. - Can I go look?

- Of course. Thanks!

- Oh, wait. - What?

What’s the password for your computer?

Who’s asking?

I am.

You’re what? I’m asking for the password

on your computer. - Who’s asking?

Hello? I’m right here.

Computer password.

Who’s asking?

Peanut is ask-i-i-ing.

- Well... - Never mind.

Maybe I should ask your mother.

What’d you say?

Ask your mother.

That’s the one for my cellphone.

This is not 6 feet.

Oh, I’m sorry, Jeff.

I’m harassing you...

sexually.

I could always just send you a picture.

Please don’t do that.

Again? Yes.

Wait. You gonna take a family photo this holiday? We

always do. That has to be a confusing picture now.

- Why? - Oh, come on!

You with two little guys of your own,

and now one of your daughters has a kid

not much younger than your kids.

Right. You’ll need a graph to explain this thing.

That’s his wife, but she’s his daughter,

who’s the aunt of the little guys

that are the uncles of her kid,

and his wife looks like she could be his daughter,

but she’s really a grandma of that kid,

who’s also the nephew and grandson to them.

And then there’s the son-in-law and the sister.

They’re the same age, and his wife once removed,

but no one can remember any of this

because they all have on m-a-a-asks!

Seriously, though, you can’t be too careful.

A good number of celebrities have contracted the virus.

Idris Elba and The Rock both tested positive.

Seems like a lot of sex symbols got sick.

Oh, then you’ll be fine.

So, during this, how’s your dating been going?

Oh! Um, well...

Seems like it’d be a lot scarier these days.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it is different right now.

With masks, everything is a blind date.

And nowadays, you don’t ask, "What’s your sign?"

you ask, "What’s your symptom?"

And forget the traveling. The traveling.

I got e-mails that say, "Look, we’re cleaning the planes now."

Now?

You’re cleaning the planes now?

Now? What the heck were you doing before?

Couple of guys inside with frickin’ leaf blowers?

Hey, has this pandemic been making you feel

trapped inside your home? Yeah, pretty much.

Heh. Kind of stuck? A little claustrophobic?

You can’t go anywhere even if you wanted to?

That’s exactly right.

Well, remember that every time

you put one of us back in the box, a-hole.

Oh, yeah. The master has become the student.

Payback’s a bi-otch!

Well, folks, tonight, everything has been new

and is brand-new except for right now.

I would like to repeat a routine

that started all of this for me and Peanut

on "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson"

many years ago. We're gonna do this?

-Yes. -Oh, good! Yeah!

It was also when I introduced for the first time on TV

another guy that has been in my act ever since.

Really? We're gonna do this?

-Yep. -Yep, yep, yep!

You got the guy we got in Mexico?

I do. He's over here.

Check it out. You're gonna love this.

Get him out. Look, look, look!

-Are you ready? -Sí, señor.

Now, what in the world do you think that is?

A jalapeño on a stick.

That's a jalapeño on a stick.

-Sí. -Well, what's your name?

-My name Jose. -Jose?

-Sí. -Jose what?

-Jose Jalapeño. -Right.

On a stick.

Well, most folks never seen a talking jalapeño before.

-Is my job. -Your job?

-Sí. -Do you have any other jobs?

-Sí. -What?

I'm a comedian. -Ah, comedian.

On a stick.

Well, do you enjoy being in this country?

I'm afraid for my life.

-Why? -Taco Bell.

Well, would you feel safer in the box?

It's much nicer in the box.

-Okay. -That's great.

-Okay, put him in. -Okay.

Don't close the door!

-Why not? -The cockroaches.

You have cockroaches in there?

-One big one. -I see.

On a stick.

Say, Jeff, you seen my dummy?

You have a dummy?

Yeah, he's in the case over there, and he is ugly.

-He's ugly? -Dude, he is nasty-looking.

Well, I've never seen him before.

Check him out. Look, look, look, look!

Right here. That's it. Look, look.

Peanut, this dummy looks a little like me.

What? Naaaah!

He looks a lot like you!

No, no, wait, wait. Hang on.

You know what else is killing me about this?

-What? -That dummy is more than

30 years old, and your hairstyle is exactly the same.

Well, let's see if we can get him to work.

Okay, what Jeff does, he takes a little dummy

and he puts him over here in front of me.

That's right. And there's a little lever

down by the little dummy's waist,

and Peanut can reach back there,

he grabs onto that lever,

pulls on it once for each syllable of every word,

and then he can make him talk.

Now, do you have ahold of the lever?

He's got ahold of something.

-Did I move my lips? -No, they moved your hand.

Let's not get in an argument here.

Why don't we just have a drink?

Is that tequila, señor?

No, it's not tequila. It's wine.

You wouldn't want a tequila. Why not?

It would have a worm in the bottom.

A worm. Well, I don't want a worm.

You got a worm.

Hi, there.

-What are you? -I'm a worm.

-A worm? -A worm.

-The worm. -The worm.

-Yeah. -On a stick.

-What do you do? -I don't do anything.

-That figures. -Good for nothing.

-I don't like the little guy. -Who do you not like?

-I don't like the little guy. -You don't like me?

-No, the other guy. -Who, me?

-No, him. -I don't like you, either.

Okay. Fine. There we go.

Yeah, you think that's good,

but someday, his tongue is gonna get a hernia.

-Well, can we take a drink? -Yeah, go ahead.

-Okay. -Wait a minute!

-What's wrong? -I forgot.

I gotta open up the cellar.

You have a cellar in the bottle?

Yeah.

This is getting weird, dude.

What are you gonna do now? Well, I'm gonna take a drink.

Do I get some?

Well, when I'm drinking, you're going to talk.

Wait a minute! You know what's gonna happen

if you drink that and I talk? What?

We're all going to choke to death.

-Let's just try it. -Okay.

Here we go. Let's put this over here.

-Yeah. -There we go.

Put that right in there.

Ahh, looks lovely.

Okay, here we go.

Here we go.

-What was that? -A burrito.

On a stick.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the dangerous part.

-Take your time. -Okay.

-Good luck. -Thank you.

You're going to die, señor.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the dangerous part.

It's going up to his lips and...

going, going, going, going, going, going, gone!

Yay!

-Thanks, Peanut. -Thanks, everybody!

That's Peanut, everybody!

Thank you.

Well, folks, our last guy for the evening,

I can’t believe I get to give this introduction,

but here it is. Please help me welcome

the most beloved terrorist throughout the world,

Achmed, the dead terrorist.

Greetings, infidels!

How are you, Achmed?

I am angry!

What are you angry about now?

You know my famous saying.

Well, it’s your saying, but I think, you know...

Silence!

I kill you!

Am I right? My saying, see?

Okay. What about it?

Well, I think it was stolen from me

by some stupid bat in China.

- Well... - It’s true!

Now it’s, "Silence! I kill you!

Squeak, squeak!"

Yep. Anything else you’re angry about?

Yes, I am angry at the lazy, amateur rioters.

- Lazy? - Are you kidding me?

They have all their rioting supplies

dropped off for them on the sight.

You wusses! In my day,

we blew ourselves to smithereens,

and we were happy about it!

And speaking of loud annoyances...

- Yeah. - ...how are your boys?

My boys are not loud annoyances.-Yes, they are.

No, they’re not. - Yes, they are. -No, they’re not.

Yes, they are.

Sometimes Walter and I actually agree on stuff.

- My boys are fine. - How old are they now? 4?

- 5. - 5-year-old twins.

- Yeah. - You’re so crazy.

Why, you successfully raised three girls

just barely had them out the front door,

then you married Audrey, and... ckkm!

- Started over. - You’re nuts.

That’s like slamming your finger in the car door

and then saying, "Hey, let’s try that crap again."

How about you, Achmed? How’s the terror business?

Well, we’re all working from home.

Yep, it’s pretty demoralizing.

Whenever we meet up on Zoom, I can tell that

most of the other terrorists put on their suicide vests

and don’t bother putting pants on.

Vest and pelvis... that’s it.

I got so bored, three different times

I blew up my own house.

You did? Three times?

Yeah, it’s like doing your hair.

You know, wash, rinse, repeat?

This is, you know, set, explode, rebuild. That’s a good hobby for you?

- Not anymore! - Why not?

My insurance company canceled me!

Which insurance company?

Hate Farm.

Have you taken up any other jobs during the pandemic?

I sell my plasma.

I didn’t think you had any plasma.

That’s why I demand the money up front.

Have you been getting out much?

Well, last week, I went to Walmart,

and I was surprised to see that Walter was the greeter.

What the hell?

That’s his side job now.

Yeah, when I was walking up, he said,

"Put on the mask or I Tase your bony ass!"

At least it rhymed.

Silence! I kill you.

Oh, yeah, squeak, squeak.

I can’t believe I’m admitting this,

but I think that, deep down,

Walter is actually a good guy. Why do you say that?

Well, he Tased me, got that out of his system,

then told me that the bomb-making materials

were on aisle 17.

And, Achmed, how do you make a bomb?

Oh, I’d say do a comedy special just like this.

Thank you so much. I’m a genius.

Yes, I am.

I think it’s going well.

Dude, everyone is so desperate for live entertainment,

you could’ve come out here and made balloon animals

and gotten a standing ovation.

Look, tonight is supposed to be about Thanksgiving. Yes.

Are you and your family properly social distancing?

Oh, yeah. I stay 6 feet away from the sheep.

They’re so annoying. They’re like,

"You’re too cl-o-o-o-ose."

It’s a joke. I don’t mess with animals.

- Great. - Especially not with cows.

- Why? - I have to avoid dairy.

How about other ways of maintaining good health?

Have you learned do not touch your face?

I don’t have a face.

I’ll kill you!

Squeak-squeak.

Have you done anything worthwhile

during all our time off?

Yeah. I have learned to Zoom-suicide-bomb.

I think you mean just Zoom-bomb.

There’s no suicide-bombing Zoom meetings.

Just wait.

Anything else?

I am starting to stand up for myself more.

Oh? How’s that?

Instead of just deleting e-mails,

I am now unsubscribing!

- That’s good. - Yes.

And do not send me a "Why did you unsubscribe?"

e-mail after I unsubscribe from your e-mails!

That’s like hanging up on a telemarketer,

and then they start texting you.

"You up?"

So, how are the virgins?

Uh, they’re taking up too much space.

What? There’s 72 of them,

and now they’re all 6 feet apart from each other.

And they’re all wearing masks?

You idiot!

They were already wearing masks.

So you never know what they look like.

Not until you pick one.

You know, it’s like getting scratchers from the lottery.

Wonder what’s under here. Yeah!

Oh, I lost.

Fix my foot. I will.

Thank you. How long was it like that?

I don’t know.

So embarrassing.

Ro!

You’re the nurse. How long was my foot like that?

A couple minutes.

A couple minutes? Okay, thanks a lot.

I kill you! Squeak-squeak!

So, Achmed, I know you've been working on

something for us tonight. Oh, yes!

You know my song from the few years back, "Jingle Bombs"?

You know that song?

Yes.

It was a huge hit. Yes, it was.

Or, as we say in the business, it exploded.

Of course.

Well, I have now written a song for this crazy

time we have all been going through.

Okay. I call it

"Achmed's up on the Housetop: Ode to COVID."

Alright, perfect. Maestro, please.

Is this gonna be good? Of course it is.

Just listen. Okay.

That was good. Silence! I'm not done yet.

Okay. There's more.

Great. Here we go.

Not done!

Okay!

Squeak-squeak!

You guys have been awesome! Thanks for coming out tonight.

Happy Thanksgiving, merry Christmas,

happy New Year, happy Hanukkah!

There we go. Thank you!

My lovely wife, Audrey, ladies and gentlemen.

Happy holidays, everybody. Thanks for coming.

Hope you had fun.

Keep laughing.

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