Original subtitles

You ready?

Did the alarm go off?

Mine did.

You forgot pants again.

I'll be back.

That's not what they're there for.

What are they there for?

I'm tellin' you man,

anything more than a handful is a waste.

Her ratio's all outta whack.

What is with you and ratios?

What are you, a mathematician?

Face it man, your girlfriend's chest

- is oversized. - No!

No, no there is no such thing

- as oversized. - Oh my God.

What are we talking here, Schmitty? What do you like?

G cups, L cups, Z cups?

You're a joke.

I want my cup to runneth over.

Oh , all right. I think we're done here.

God.

Let's drown this animal out.

You're listening to "Dave Fuller in the A.M.,"

playing nothin' but the '80s, just the way we like it.

Here's another song to help start your day the correct way.

Move your booty, please.

Can you tell them to hurry up?

Relax, you have time.

I'm supposed to meet Trevor before class.

Who the hell is Trevor?

Not now, they're leaving.

Who's Trevor?

Mom!

That's a good sign.

You can shut the hell up if you want me to keep driving

your ass around every single day.

Language.

He's always talking shit on my friends.

- Yo! - Oh, come on guys.

So, what did we go with this time,

the beer guzzling party boy or the parking lot pot dealer?

Fuck you!

He doesn't smoke pot.

Okay, that's enough.

Go start the car.

I'm gonna see Donna later today.

Her sister's been askin' about you again.

What should I tell her?

You could tell her to stop.

She really wants to meet you.

Why don't you just ask her to dinner sometime?

I need a secretary, not a girlfriend, but thank you.

I'm just trying to help you out.

Why don't you help Angela instead?

She's a nurse, not a psychiatrist.

- Scott. - Liz.

Angela!

All right, I'll see ya.

Bye, man. I'll see ya.

Thanks for the ride.

Hey, wait a second.

For what?

I want you to meet him.

Why?

Just shut up and be polite.

Hey.

Hey.

Babe, this is my brother Frank.

You don't have to talk to him slow or anything.

He's not retarded.

I get it.

So, you work here, right?

Yes.

I doubt they'd let him work here if he was retarded.

Well, I'm glad we could do this,

but I have to make a phone call so...

It was nice meeting you.

You too.

God damn you.

Good morning to you too.

What do you want?

Well, I wanted to be the first

to wish you happy birthday but clearly the moment's passed.

God, I wanna stab you in the throat right now.

Nice, thank you.

So, what's the plan for tonight?

Working.

Oh, my parents are treating me

to dinner and a movie tomorrow night.

Can you come?

I have some assignments to grade,

- but maybe I can pull it off. - You're coming.

All right, I'm almost inside.

I'll talk to you later.

Thanks for wakin' me up, asshole.

Ugh!

That's why you only swipe right.

You can weed out all the ugly ones later,

but just keep swiping, swiping, swiping.

You'll find the perfect girl, I promise.

There's so many women...

See you later.

Frank.

Brad.

God, I fuckin' hate that guy.

Hey, guess who I saw this weekend?

I have no idea.

Miss Dennis.

Hi, girls.

The gym teacher.

Finally invited her over for some extracurricular activity.

Sounds inappropriate.

Eh, not as much as I'd hoped for if I'm bein' honest,

but I'm workin' on it.

- Thanks. - Did you hear the news?

Gettin' a new teacher next week.

Special ed, confirmed female.

Whoever spots her first gets to smash.

You're aware this isn't a singles bar, right?

Jesus, Frank, you don't watch too much TV do you?

High schools, law firms, hospitals.

It's like 20% work, 80% somethin' else

that usually happens in a broom closet.

Hi, Mr. Wells.

Hi, Courtney.

- Goodbye, Brad. - Goodbye.

People like to reduce Gregor's transformation down

to a one note metaphor.

Usually it's something about how his professional

and personal responsibilities are dehumanizing.

"He's a worker bee working his life away for the man,

so he turns into a literal worker bee."

Nevermind the fact that Kafka describes him

as more of a dung beetle and dung beetles

don't share the same social hierarchy as bees.

They all eat shit.

Which brings me to your next paper.

It's only a three pager, so don't freak out.

Can I get a volunteer to jot down

some guidelines on the board?

I'll help ya out, Wells.

Oh wait, I'm crippled too.

Tom.

Thank you.

So did you meet your sister's new dipshit boyfriend?

Momentarily.

Did you get a read on him?

He's affectionate and he wears exactly one earring.

That's all I know.

That's all you need to know.

Maybe your mother can talk some sense into her.

She's workin' late again.

Any idea what you wanna do for dinner?

You're gonna make dinner?

Well, I mean, what kinda pizza

we're gonna order.

♪ When the moon hits your eye ♪

♪ Like a big pizza pie that's amore ♪

Frank?

Yes?

Oh my God!

Hey!

Wow.

Sorry-

- You guys know each other?

We grew up together.

It's been, what, like 10 years?

How are you?

What have you been up to?

Not too much.

In retrospect the last 10 years have been incredibly lame.

I'm teaching.

Are you visiting or...?

No, I'm back.

I start next Monday.

So, you're the new teacher I heard about?

I guess so.

Val was just about to show me to my class.

Why don't you come with us?

I would, but I have a class.

Okay but we need to talk more.

I'll see you around?

Yeah, I'll see you around.

For these thy gifts which we are about to receive

from thy bounty through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

So, have you gotten any compliments on the perfume?

Nope.

Are you sure you're using it correctly?

You know, two spritzes and a walkthrough?

I don't like perfume.

It makes me queasy.

Gets in your mouth.

I always wear perfume.

I know, I'm having trouble tasting my food.

Well, the girl at the store says

that's what she wears and her boyfriend loves it.

You should come back with me.

I saw some cute dresses.

That's okay.

Well, I wanna get you something nice for next Saturday.

Besides, don't you think your wardrobe could use an update?

Yeah, I feel really underdressed right now.

What's that supposed to mean?

You can get more here than you can get

at a $50 a plate restaurant where they give

you one piece of asparagus and call it a side dish.

Did I tell you what Frank got me for my birthday?

Hm?

He got me tickets to see "The Bloody Cradle"

at The Movie Tavern.

"The Bloody Cradle?"

It's about this bag lady that gets raped

in the alley behind the supermarket

and then she pops out this psycho fetus

that hunts down all the people

that used to piss her off at work.

It suffocates one guy with its own amniotic sac.

Lorraine,

we're eating, hm?

And I don't wanna hear about things like that.

Sounds like a good present, Frank.

All right, what are we thinkin' here?

M&Ms and popcorn, 100%.

- Here. - Stop.

Just take it.

Isn't that what boyfriends are supposed to do?

Hey, look at this.

Frank and Lorraine out on the town.

Oh boy.

What is this?

I'll let you deal with that.

Why don't you come on over?

I'm in line.

I see you over there.

Can't hide from me.

Mr. Frank Wells.

Beth, this is Frank.

Frank, this is Beth.

- Hi. - Hello.

They forced me and Frank to play together in school

on account of us both being freaks of nature.

Is that your girlfriend?

She's pretty.

Oh, uh-

- Lorraine is our dyke friend.

Frank's merely playing the part of her beard.

It's kind of a hobby.

And here I thought no one was buying it.

Listen, why don't you grab us a seat

while Frank and I talk a little business?

Sure, yeah.

That's great, that's really nice.

You see that?

I tell her to leave us alone, she just does it.

What is this?

She looks like one of my students.

She's interning at the radio station.

She probably thinks she has to be here.

I told her it was a work date, whatever the hell that is

and I picked her up and everything

almost like a real person.

- Lovely. - And what about you, huh?

When are you gonna start courting women

you actually have a chance with?

How's the show going?

Highly stimulating.

When are you coming on?

I'm not coming on your show.

It's on first thing in the morning.

Your students won't even hear it.

Come on.

"Cripple Versus Cripple" It's an excellent idea.

My listeners would love it.

It's offensive as hell, so I'm sure they would love it.

Then come on the show and say that.

Nice try.

We have a little weekly debate, tell some war stories.

There's nothing offensive about that.

Well, I don't have any stories

and it looks like you're doin' just fine without me here,

so I should probably get back.

Whatever.

We'll continue this later.

I'm sure we will.

Enjoy your non date.

Enjoy your work date.

Baby steps my friend.

Because these demons of the undead

- can exist only be ravishing- - What did Dave say?

About what you'd expect.

Hold my hand, okay?

What?

When my mom comes in, hold my hand.

- No, I heard you. Why? - I want her to see.

What's the big deal?

Seriously?

With abnormal powers of love they enslave-

- My hands are all sweaty.

Just hold my fucking hand.

For how long?

I don't know.

Too much is better than not enough.

In the dark of night

they leave their tombs to satisfy their need for blood.

No one is safe.

Only by destroying-

Have a good one, guys.

Found you.

Hey.

How'd they do?

Well, they think Twain is a type of string.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

"Tom Sawyer"

I remember him being kind of a dick.

Yeah, it's required reading.

Can't say I'm a fan either.

So, I am about to go on break.

What are you up to?

So how's the class going?

They puttin' you through the ringer over there?

No, it isn't too bad.

I think they're getting used to me.

They're pretty good actually.

I bet my students are better behaved than yours.

I bet they are.

Mine are a bunch of little bastards.

I mean, you have your standouts

but at least once a day there's one I just wanna grab,

pull to the front of the class

and slap the hell out of.

Really make an example out of 'em.

Public flogging is a lost art.

Sounds like you should have been

a Catholic school teacher in the '60s.

Those nuns knew what they were doin'.

Oh, do you know that guy Brad?

I think he's the psychology teacher.

I am aware of Brad Hamilton.

Okay.

So, he invited me to lunch as a welcoming gesture

and then he said that if I ever got overwhelmed

that I could come and talk to him

because he basically had a degree in being a good listener.

Jesus Christ.

I have got to know what you said to that.

"No, thank you."

To all of it?

Yeah.

Poor Brad.

Yeah.

So, what brought you back here?

I mean, not that I'm complaining.

Reality.

I did the whole douchey post grad thing

where I told myself I was gonna travel and see the world.

Didn't get very far but that's okay.

This place always felt like home to me.

I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch.

It's fine.

No, really, I missed this.

Well, now that you're back we have plenty of catching-

Oh, I hate that thing.

I guess that's my cue.

Round two tomorrow?

Yeah, I'll be here.

Okay.

See you then.

So, Trevor, you working yet?

No, not yet.

- I'm looking though. - Thanks.

Maybe you could get him a job at the shop.

Do you know anything about cars?

I guess.

Do you have a car?

Jesus Dad, can you ask any normal questions?

How is that not a normal question?

How did you two meet?

Remember when I went to Allison's party?

- Mm hm. - No.

What party was this?

Can I tell the God damn story?

So, Trevor is friends with Allie's cousin, Mike.

I had no idea who he was or anything and you know,

we're dancing around the pool and Trevor tripped over

the diving board and fell straight into the deep end.

And so I go over to pull him out

and the first thing he says to me is,

"Hey, you wanna dance?"

And of course I say yes.

And so we're dancing and he's just dripping

all over me the whole night.

I dance better than I swim.

You're an okay dancer, babe.

What?

What?

What are you making that face for?

What, I can't be moved by your story?

Can you stop being a pathetic douche for like one second?

Was that Jean Paul Sartre who said that or Rene Descartes?

You're just jealous you can't actually get a girlfriend.

Okay, stop.

Does anybody have anything positive to say?

How was your day, Frank?

Fine.

Did he tell you who's back?

Who?

Guess.

Tell me.

Judy Flanagan works at our school now.

Really? Wow.

Judy's this girl that Frank used to know,

they used to make each other valentines

and then the one time she made a valentine

for somebody else, Frank cried for like two hours.

No, I didn't.

That's not funny. That was sad.

Well, it didn't happen, so...

He thought it was a secret that he liked her,

but everybody knew.

Tough crowd.

You never told me you were in love with her.

I wasn't.

It was kid stuff.

So, we hate him, right?

Who, Trevor? I don't know.

It's kinda hard to form an opinion

when you're being strung up by the balls in the town square.

That's a bit much.

Yeah, well, I guess dinner table humiliation

brings out my dramatic side.

God, this is torture.

You're lucky you have a scrotum.

I think this one really brings out

the yellow in your teeth.

Oh, thank you.

Why don't you just pick something?

Because she won't be satisfied

unless it's some pink frilly bullshit.

Lorraine.

It's not pink.

We ran into Becky Stevens and her husband last week.

Their son Teddy is moving back here for work.

Well, maybe you two could meet up sometime.

You're the same age.

Why would that happen?

Well, why not?

He might have some insights into the job market.

You don't wanna work at Randy's forever.

Can we not do this today?

Put your shoulders back.

You wanna take pride in your appearance

if you wanna meet the right man.

I have a boyfriend, Mom.

He's sitting right outside, remember?

I know you're with Frank right now

and I know your heart's in the right place.

What does that mean?

Nothing, I like Frank.

It's just, we think that maybe it's time

for you to start thinking ahead.

- Who's we? - Keep your options open.

Your family.

We just, all we're saying is that if you were

to get serious with Frank, life might be very difficult.

I just want you to have the best chance of being happy.

Oh my God, what is taking her so long?

Are they having a sale and straight jackets?

Angela is on her way.

You're really leaving me here with this?

Thank you.

Ready?

Yeah, we had this one chick come in yesterday, man.

She had the long blonde hair, the skin tight dress,

the heels and the, yeah, those things will be on the ground

by the time she's 45.

How's that feel?

It's still kinda loose.

Okay.

You know, I dated a girl like that before I met your mother.

Loose?

No.

Well...

Lift your arm a little.

Did you know mom would say yes when you asked her out?

No, I had no idea.

I mean I did all right,

but I wasn't the kinda guy

that had girls fallin' all over him.

Obviously, I was hopin' she'd say yes,

but there was only one way to find out.

There.

I think you're good.

Help me!

Help me I've fallen and I can't get up!

Well, don't just look at me. You got legs, right?

Use 'em!

Help me!

Avalanche!

I feel like a fish outta water!

Sweet freedom.

It's a short story so read the whole thing.

Henry, can you hang back for a minute?

Oh!

Okay.

I'll catch you outside of psych, man.

- All right. - All right, man.

Look, I'm not trying to embarrass you,

but I need you to stop being so disruptive in class.

What do you mean?

Have you forgotten what was going

on in here when I came in?

You've been putting on a clown show for weeks.

You weren't here.

We were just fooling around until you came back.

Look, I get what you're doin',

but I need you to give it a rest.

What you do outside of class is your own business.

You can go.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, you're one of those people.

Those people?

People that have no credibility.

All right, Brad.

Hey!

Hey, what's goin' on?

Frankie!

Hey Frankie, come over here.

All right.

Help us solve this issue.

Studio or live, music?

Studio.

See, Brad?

No one agrees with you.

Plenty of people agree with me, okay?

I'll show you what real music is on Saturday.

It won't be live, but it'll be good.

What's on Saturday?

Brad invited everyone to this place in Northern Liberties.

You should come.

I'm gonna bring my roommate.

Dude, you should totally come, bro.

It's '80s night.

It's like your buddy on the radio.

♪ 'Cause this is '80s night ♪

♪ Oh, what a night ♪

♪ Mm, mm ♪

You're going to this?

Yeah.

Y'know, it might be fun.

Might be?

It's gonna be great.

Come on.

Don't you wanna see Brad's moves?

Of course he wants to see my moves.

He's always wanted to see my moves.

Sure, why not?

Frankie!

Frankie!

♪ '80s night ♪

♪ Oh, what a night ♪

♪ It's like the clock goin' 'round that clock ♪

♪ And boom, up down ♪

I'll show you.

- Here we go. - If I have to watch 18

- make this- - Oh!

- He's not gonna make it. - It's a double.

- He's not gonna make it! - Aw, you're fuckin' done.

- No, no, no, no, no, - You're fuckin' done!

- no, no, no, no, no. - Here he goes!

- They're gonna catch him. - Watch, watch!

- Shit! - Always reliable.

That was some bullshit.

I can't even enjoy this shit, man.

We ain't even got no volume.

Hey, Plain Lorraine, can we get some volume?

No?

- Oh, boy. - Okay.

- Lorraine! - Oh, man!

Watch this, he's gonna bring 'em in.

Here we go.

You ready?

Good.

Here we go!

It's a great team.

Hello?

Hey.

What's up?

So, you're gonna kill me but Angela took the van.

What do you mean?

I told her I needed it for your parents' thing,

but she took it anyway.

Where?

Atlantic City with her dumbass friends, I think.

It looks like I'm grounded here.

So you're ditching me?

Sorry.

I just found out.

Yo, what kind of customer service is this?

Look, I gotta get back to work.

Talk to you later.

Excuse me, you got customers back here!

Frank?

In here.

I got it.

Thanks.

What's wrong?

I can't find anything in these damn drawers.

Well, slow down.

I can't.

Dad's stuck at the shop, the train comes in 45 minutes.

All right.

What do we need to do?

Chin up just a little.

Oh, shit.

I'm so sorry, did I cut you?

It's fine.

Fuck.

Do you need some help?

Remember, it's supposed to slide right over.

I think I almost got it.

Can you even see what you're doing?

Don't.

Relax, Frank.

It's not like you're playing with it.

Please don't.

We're cuttin' it close

if we're gonna make this train.

All right, it's on.

Frank!

This is my roommate, Bianca.

- Hi. - Hello.

This is Frank.

He's the smartest guy I know.

I don't know.

My title might be in contention after agreeing to this.

Yeah.

Where's Brad?

Wait, who's turn is it?

Who's turn is it?

- Okay, okay, okay. - It's your turn, okay.

Never have I ever... flashed an old man.

Or woman.

Oh, that's it!

What?

Oh my-

- It was an accident.

It was an accident.

Mm mm, on purpose.

Okay.

All right, it's my turn.

Here we go.

- Never have you ever- - Wait!

Oh no, no.

I'm so stupid.

All right, shh, shh.

Mm.

Never have I ever,

had sex in a car.

Really?

Yeah, mm hm.

Mm!

All right, Frankie, come on, let's go. It's your turn.

Didn't this game go out of style in high school?

You're not even playing it correctly.

Oh my God!

Just say something so you can drink too.

You're intolerably sober!

Do it before I have the bouncer kick you out, please!

Never have I ever... made out in public.

Whoa!

Frankie, come on buddy!

I might have to challenge that.

Flag!

- Okay, shut up. - What?

Is Val coming?

No.

No, Nancy and Joe are over there.

I just try and exclude the older people, you know?

So it doesn't get awkward.

I hate older people.

I hate 'em.

Okay, on that note, I think I need a refill.

Mm, so do I.

Please?

Double, thank you.

Your friend really needs to succumb

to my charms in a more timely fashion.

Maybe she's not like that.

They're all like that.

Well, maybe she's not.

Wait, do you like Flanagan or something?

Oh my God.

Come on, bro.

You like her!

Are you gonna say something to her?

You know what?

You need a shot. Let me buy you a shot, okay?

You can't let them see you nursin'

this rum and Coke all night.

I'm good, thanks.

Why don't you go ask her to dance, man?

Just show her that, you know?

Come on, what do you have to lose?

What are you waitin' for,

one of those guys at the airports

just guiding you in with the things?

Just be yourself.

Go for it!

That only works if yourself is what they're looking for.

I'm just sayin'.

Okay, thank you.

Give it a rest, Miagi.

Yeah, wax on wax off.

I kinda wanna fuck Bianca anyway.

Shots, bartender!

Two shots.

Two big shots for me and my boy, Frankie!

Have a second.

Mm, Lorraine, this is Teddy.

Ted's fine.

Oh, I know, you're all grown up now.

Teddy was just saying that he works at a law firm.

PR firm, actually.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Does your firm do corporate videos?

Yeah, yeah.

You know what?

Lorraine has a degree in broadcasting.

Oh, interesting.

You know what?

Excuse me for a minute.

So, what was your focus?

Videography mostly.

You don't have to talk to me, you know?

I'll just tell her you weren't interested.

I didn't say that.

So, what do you wanna do with it?

Not corporate videos I'm assuming.

Movies.

Oh, what kind?

You know those movies where

a bunch of kids are fucking in a cabin out in the woods

and some dude in a mask rams

a steak knife through their heads?

Those kinda movies.

That's specific.

So look, I know it's none of my business,

but your mom was saying that she didn't think

your boyfriend would be in the picture much longer

and she mentioned that you might be interested

in goin' out some time.

Excuse me.

I can't believe how fast she's grown...

Wait a minute, I'll be right back.

Lorraine, hey?

- What are you doing? - Going to bed.

Why?

Don't you see what she's trying to do?

It's embarrassing.

Oh, don't worry about it.

She never takes a break, Dad.

I understand.

Then why don't you tell her to stop?

Your mother's not the easiest person to argue with.

So you won't even try?

I will, I will but now's not the best time.

Just... don't walk out.

Come sit with me.

I'm no good at these things, you know?

I'm a sweatpants and loafers kinda guy.

Come on, I'll make sure nobody talks to you.

I'll chew with my mouth open or something.

I'll be there in a minute.

Don't worry about it, okay?

I'll make you a plate.

Fuck you, Frank.

Oh my God, I think I just found you a husband.

What?

That guy?

Yes, that guy.

- What? - Come on!

He is totally your type!

Your last boyfriend had bigger boobs than me.

Was he a tranny?

Mm mm, a bodybuilder.

He was a personal trainer.

- Oh my God! - Same thing.

- Jesus! - You should go talk to him.

Hi.

I'm Alex.

What's your name?

Judy.

This is Frank and Bianca...

And Brad.

So, none of my friends are really into this kinda music.

They think it's cheesy.

Will you dance with me?

Hey, how do you know they're not together, bro?

Oh, I didn't mean any disrespect.

Are you two-

- No, we're just friends.

Just sayin'.

Okay.

So, do you wanna dance?

Sure.

- Watch my drink for me? - Mm hm.

Do you wanna dance?

Oh, no.

Mm, mm, mm.

You okay, buddy?

I'm gonna find the bathroom.

You need help?

No.

Fuck, fuck!

Frank, are you okay?

Frank?

Hey, what is the big deal?

Okay, can you please just go and check on him?

This is my favorite song.

- Well, I'm sorry. - You're ruining

my favorite song.

Okay.

Frank?

Come on, what the fuck?

Don't come in here.

What, are you crying in there?

Brad, can you please just get rid of her?

Please.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, I'll get rid of her.

Is he in there?

Yeah, he's pukin' his guts out.

Is he okay?

He's cleaning himself up and then he's takin' off.

Come on.

It's the men's room.

You can't go in there. He said he'll see you on Monday.

Come on, let's go.

- Let's go, come on. - Brad.

Come on!

He's fine.

I spent half the night in the bathroom pretending

to wash my hands and the other half standing

in the corner like a jerk-off.

And then the moment I woke up the next morning,

she was on my ass about what I thought of him

and if I was gonna get a job at his company.

- Why would she do that? - Have you met Connie?

She's out of her Goddamn mind.

No, I mean if you say you're with me,

why is she trying to set you up with some other guy?

I don't know.

Maybe it's 'cause you still live with your parents.

Yes, I do. Much like yourself.

She obviously thinks you're just doin' me a favor.

So what if she does?

Maybe I don't want people thinking that.

Why do you care what my mother thinks?

You wanna repeat that or should I?

I have to care what she thinks, asshole.

And I can't make her believe anything if you're not there.

Remind me to thank Angela.

Oh my God, yes!

Hey, how much are these?

Two for three.

Dad?

Dad!

This is a nice classroom.

It's great that you're a teacher. A lot of the people I see

can barely move around their homes.

Well, I think that's it.

So, what happens now?

So, I made a list of registered PCAs

that aren't too far from you, all male.

You can have them meet you in a neutral setting

and talk about what you expect.

It's important to be clear about that.

If you need anything else,

give me a call at the office before four p.m.

and don't take crap from anybody.

That's a big one.

Noted.

Where is this guy?

Late.

Seems like a good way to kick off a complete fiasco.

At least you'll get a story out of it,

especially if one of them decides

to shoot you in the face or something.

Thanks.

Oh, I can't stand these guys

that take up the handicap parking spaces

who don't even need it and screw over the people

that could really use it, you know?

I'll park there like once in awhile,

but only if I'm gonna be in and out.

This is gonna be quick, right?

Do you know the Heimlich?

No, but I can learn.

I'm not sure you'd survive it though.

Don't wanna hurt ya.

I respect my clients.

I sympathize with them.

I understand them.

I love my clients.

Where I am from, it is not like here.

People who are lame, like you,

sometimes they'll leave them in the streets,

other times they'll kill them out of mercy.

If only we could be there now.

So, when would I get my first paycheck?

I sorta took the bus here and I'm running low on funds.

I don't even know if I have enough to get back.

Hey, thanks for meeting me.

Yeah, sure.

Elwood, right?

Well, that's what it says on the papers,

but I usually just go by Woods.

Well, it says here you have no criminal record

in the state of Pennsylvania.

Any other qualifications besides not being a killer?

You mean like... like nursing school?

I mean how do you feel about wiping another man's ass?

I'll wipe your windows if you want, man. A job's a job.

Oh, oh, Pacino.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's great.

Thank you.

♪ When the sun goes down ♪

♪ Just beyond these hills ♪

♪ I remember how ♪

♪ The night's supposed to feel ♪

What are you drinking?

I don't know but it was strong.

Water?

Sure.

I'm Gina.

Hey, Gina.

Are you gonna tell me your name?

Lorraine.

Cute.

Do you have a boyfriend, Lorraine?

No.

Do you have a girlfriend?

Ugh, I've been third wheeling it all day.

It's driving me crazy.

Why don't you find a boyfriend?

Why don't you?

Can I help you?

I'm here for Frank.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on in.

Right down here.

Did you guys measure in the flour yet?

Not yet.

Hi.

Okay, you guys know what to do next, right?

Not too much vanilla.

Hey.

Woods, this is Judy.

Nice to meet you.

Woods is gonna be helpin' me out from now on.

Cool.

Figured we'd stop by and see how things were going.

They don't seem to hate you.

I was worried about you the other night.

Brad said you were sick.

Yeah, I think that was my first

and last Brad Hamilton outing.

I don't blame you.

Would you wanna give it another shot this weekend?

I'm thinkin' somethin' nice and boring.

Yeah, that sounds perfect.

Judy, would you get the broom out of the closet?

Sorry, I'll call you.

Sure.

My man.

Hey.

What are you doin'?

Just finishin' up this chapter.

Shouldn't you be getting ready for your date?

It's not a date.

Do you even know what you're gonna wear?

Haven't really thought about it.

We gotta make sure you're looking fresh, alright?

The better you look, the better you feel, you know?

They notice that shit.

All right.

Which one do you want?

You can't ever fully appreciate cake until you've lived

with filthy hippies for a week.

I stayed with my sister and her husband

out in San Francisco and it was brutal.

They're into some sort of alternative living,

which apparently involves not bathing or cooking your food.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

I swear, I couldn't recognize

a single thing they put in their mouths.

I actually had to wait until they went

to bed so I could sneak out and eat tacos

in the middle of the night and then walk around

the block three times so that

they wouldn't smell it on me in the morning.

That sounds like a really dark time.

Yeah, never again.

What about your sister?

Oh, you know Angela,

she presents her own challenges.

Does she have a boyfriend?

Usually. And then she always gets her heart broken

when they turn out to be-

- Jerks?

Yeah, not the word I was gonna use but close enough.

What about you?

Are you seeing anybody?

No.

No online dating profile?

No.

Why not?

That stuff is, I don't know.

I might sound lame,

but I kind of always liked the idea

of being friends with somebody first.

It's not lame but it is old school.

Your new friend works fast.

He does.

You remember that guy Alex?

The guy from the club?

Yeah.

Well, we ended up seeing each other after

and now he won't stop texting me.

Have you ever been to California?

No.

Well, you should go.

It's beautiful.

Just don't stay with my sister.

♪ It's dangerous ♪

Here we go, guys.

It's gonna definitely be a great season.

- Yeah. - Me too, man.

What do you think about the NBA building super teams?

I think it's going to be good for everybody.

I mean, hey.

- To friendship. - Friendship, brother.

Thank you.

So do you always hang out here after work?

Sometimes.

You don't have anywhere better to go?

Hey, watch it or I'll have Randy ban your ass.

Mm, he wouldn't ban this ass.

Would you?

It's all right.

Screw you, at least I have one.

So, did you just move here or...?

No, my roommate dragged us here

to hang with some guy she met online.

I've been on chaperone duty.

She probably didn't feel like getting murdered alone.

Yeah, I guess.

So, are they meeting you here or...?

No, they were going to,

but they started drinking at the apartment

and now they're too drunk to drive.

Fucking geniuses.

Hey, Lorraine!

How 'bout some shots for the boys?

Not working, dipshit.

How 'bout a lap dance then?

I love you, too!

Friend of yours?

I've known him since high school.

He's just an idiot who thinks he's still on varsity.

He's basically like Peter Pan, only a bigger asshole.

God, I don't know how you deal

with these people every night.

It's better than hanging out with my parents.

We could hang out at my place

if you don't wanna go home yet.

I can't tonight.

Why not?

I just, I can't tonight.

Okay, I give up.

You wanna reset?

What?

I just beat you.

Oh, yeah sure.

Why don't you just ask her out?

Just ask her out?

You don't foresee any challenges with that?

I'm not psychic.

Do you wanna know what I'd be doing if I was?

No.

I'd like to know what you'd be doing if you were me.

I'd be trying to get fake hand jobs

from my fake girlfriend.

You're letting this thing with Lorraine get to you.

No, I'm not.

Okay.

- Here you go. - All right!

Looks good.

Enjoy.

Oh, I will.

You sure you don't want anything?

I'm good, thanks.

Okay.

Damn.

Really?

Can we focus here?

It's a little hard with stuff like that walkin' around.

Why don't you ask her out?

Nah.

Why not?

She's serving me pancakes.

It's a conflict of interest.

Oh, okay. So if you weren't stuffing your face right now,

you would ask for her phone number.

Sure, why not?

No fear whatsoever?

What's there to be afraid of? What, is she gonna say no?

I've heard no from plenty of girls.

Why do you even give a shit?

You haven't seen her in 10 years.

Yeah, I know.

Why would you allow yourself to feel that way?

She's not like us.

I suppose it's not entirely your fault.

Sometimes cripples fall in love with cripples,

sometimes they don't.

It's not like they have singles bars devoted to us.

Crippled or not, it's all process of elimination.

Weren't you the guy in high school

who talked about how he could get any girl he wanted?

What, you just had't made your selection yet?

Now it's process of elimination.

That's... That's great.

Maybe I was a little naive back then.

I'm wiser now.

Back then I talked the talk without really walking the walk.

Oh, so you walk the walk now?

No, I just talk a little less.

Yeah, I'm not seein' that at all.

What do you want me to say?

I'm just lookin' for an informed opinion here.

You're in a similar situation.

I'm a cripple.

Will you cut it out with that?

Why?

Why can't I say that?

I'm allowed to say that.

'Cause it sounds like something

you scrape off the bottom of your shoe.

Oh my God, look at you with all your big ideas.

Can we drop the shock jock thing for a second here?

Does your dick work?

Can you eat a girl out?

What does that have to do with anything?

Come on, give me something here.

Yes.

Can you take her out dancing?

Yeah, sure.

Right, good for you.

No one cares. Because 99 out

of 100 girls won't bother to find out.

You might've had a chance back in like the '50s.

Back then people knew you don't fall in love with a body,

you fall in love with a head.

A head?

Yeah, a head.

My point is that the sex used to come later.

Now it comes first and that's

where they initially assume that you're not capable.

Yeah, but even if that's true, I mean,

she's not just some girl I met at a bar.

We know each other.

- We- - Nobody wants

to grow old with you because nobody thinks

they're getting old anymore.

Nobody says to themselves,

"Jee, we'll all be disabled someday, right?"

This isn't PBS, it's MTV.

You can't get attached.

Tell her.

Bang it out.

Get it out of the way and move on

or shut up and be her friend.

But I don't recommend it.

Why not?

Because you think she'll slowly start

to realize that you're a legitimate option

and then one day after she's had an ugly breakup

from some dickbag with pierced ears,

you'll make her feel better

and she'll finally decide to suck on your pecker.

But until that day you gotta watch

her date these other guys,

big, strong guys that you'll have

to imagine her getting fucked by

and your day probably won't even come.

That shit hardly works out for regular guys,

let alone you and me.

We're goin' up against biology here, natural selection.

Females are wired to find us repulsive.

If every woman in the world was drunk off her ass 24/7,

your chances would go up like 6%.

Do you really think the first girl you fall in love with

is gonna be the one to accept you?

I mean, it has to have happened before, right?

I'm sure it's happened somewhere.

Listen, we're not pioneers.

We're just the shlubs on the ground trying

to figure this shit out as we go.

Do you wanna know why you really invited me here?

I'm sure you're about to tell me.

You need someone to be straight with you.

You ready for this?

You're fucked.

You're not crazy.

You're absolutely right.

But you already have more

than most people like us get to have.

You're a teacher.

You have a family that gives a shit.

Hell, you can speak.

You don't get to have it all.

You're a link in the chain.

You make a good living, you influence a few people's lives

in a positive way and maybe have sex

with a girl once before you die.

So the story of how you weren't a complete waste

of space will get passed down through the generations.

And then one day in 1,000 years,

some other crippled guy will get

the shot of marrying the girl of his dreams.

You want someone to love you for who you are?

Get a dog.

Everybody ready?

I'm gonna open that gate.

You ready?

Ready.

Okay, here they come!

Hold on, hold on!

Oh, man.

That's genius.

Uh.

Shit, I gotta go.

What?

Randy offered me a shift at work.

I can't afford to be picky.

We've been trying to get our hands

on this thing for weeks.

Well, we'll do it next weekend.

Don't we have more nonsense

with your parents next weekend?

We'll do it after, then.

We'll figure it out.

I gotta go.

What's the matter?

Your side's draggin'.

I'm okay, thanks.

You're gonna get me drunk.

You're getting yourself drunk.

You're supposed to be helping me.

Mm, one for me... and one for my homos.

Mm.

Ever fucked a guy?

No, have you?

Yeah.

I mean, I sort of knew it wasn't what I wanted

but I guess I felt like I had to.

So, does anyone know you're into chicks?

My best friend.

What's her name?

Frank.

Is he gay?

No.

Does he ever try to get away with shit?

What do you mean?

Like, he's never tried to see you naked?

"Come on, it's just us guys here.

- Come on." - Oh.

- Come on. - No, no, no.

He's not like that.

Where the hell did you find

a straight guy that doesn't wanna have sex with you?

High school.

Now I know you're full of shit.

He's not just some guy.

We're both a little weird,

so it just kinda makes sense.

And you both have old people names.

So, he's okay with it.

Who are we hiding from out here?

My parents.

Well, my mother.

What?

She a bitch?

She just wants certain things for me.

She's old fashioned.

Fuck you.

What's your family like?

Like yours.

I told my parents when I was 15.

What'd they do?

Don't bother telling them.

Just leave.

Just take this thing and keep driving.

I can't, it's my parents' car.

Okay, just think about how good it's gonna feel

to say and do whatever you want.

♪ I love vaginas ♪

Come on!

- Say something. - I'm not gonna do that.

Come on.

God, you're boring.

Almost done.

I thought you and Lorraine were hangin' out tonight?

Randy surprised her.

It's fine, I had papers to do anyway.

You should take a break.

It's the weekend.

You should get outta the house.

This wouldn't be about Donna's sister would it?

Why, you want me to call her?

My God.

What?

I mean, would it kill you to go on one date?

I mean, is it because she's in a wheelchair?

Really?

Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?

I don't know.

You seem to have some big problem with it.

I don't have a problem.

It's like, "Oh, hey, one of the teachers

at school has red hair, too.

You two should totally go out for frozen yogurt sometime."

Please.

It's equally superficial.

I don't even know this person.

You're expecting me to jump all over it.

I'm not expecting anything except

for that my son who deserves

a break and never goes out on dates,

have a good time with a potential new friend

and that's all I'm saying.

You know, I think she's lonely

and she probably needs this. I feel bad.

I mean, she probably doesn't get to go out a lot.

Oh my... fine.

You can call her.

Fine.

I did.

Oh my God, no.

The one time that we went to Tom's

the ambulance had to come 'cause she like faked

this big ass anxiety attack and passed out in his bathtub.

Yeah, like literally everyone hates her.

I'll call you back.

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

What are you doing here?

Surprised you're not in Atlantic city fucking

up my night again.

I had a really fun time with my mother, so thanks for that.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Is Frank ready?

He's not here.

He left like half an hour ago.

To go where?

Woods is taking him on a date

with some girl that my mom knows.

I can't believe she talked me into this.

Dude, it might be great.

You don't know.

Yeah, okay.

You nervous?

I think wary is the word.

That's fair.

This is her.

Show time.

Text me if you need anything, as always.

Have fun.

My sister loves this place.

So, she's to blame for this?

Yeah, she has terrible taste.

So, what grade do you teach?

- 11th. - Do you like it?

Yeah.

Oh, Donna said that you used to be into writing.

Have you ever had anything published?

No.

I actually never focused too much on writing.

My mom was probably embellishing.

Oh, I thought you wrote short stories.

I wrote a few in college, but I prefer talking about them.

All the enjoyment, none of the crushing self doubt.

Maybe you should try writing about your own life.

I'm sure you've seen lots of interesting things.

The interesting parts of my life couldn't fill a pamphlet,

let alone a novel.

Oh, it's not about being entertaining,

it's about showing people your side of things.

Oh, have you ever thought about doing a blog?

No.

Why not?

I don't see the point in something like that.

Not letting your voice go to waste.

I mean, it doesn't matter if you're interesting.

What matters is you're part of a culture

that many people don't understand.

You mean German Irish?

Okay.

You don't think it's important to show people

what life is really like for us?

Not by exploiting myself on the internet.

It's not exploitation if it's on your own terms.

That's exactly what it is.

I have a friend who does it for a living.

Does what?

Turns his disability into

a joke on the radio every day.

Do people listen?

Not for the right reasons.

Well, at least he's contributing.

Contributing to what?

The conversation.

"The conversation."

Why is this the way we have to talk about ourselves?

We're two totally different people.

My friend I just told you about,

they practically forced us to be buddies in school.

It just so happens that we like each other, sometimes.

I mean, it's the same thing with this one kid in my class.

He's the only disabled student in the whole grade.

There are four other English teachers,

but they put him with me.

All right, well I think you're just being cynical.

I write about my life and I get positive responses

from all kinds of people.

You know, maybe if you tried having those conversations,

you wouldn't feel so lonely.

I never said I was lonely.

It's not an insult.

I just... look, we've all been there.

I certainly have.

Your mom said you were having a hard time.

I mean, I guess she thought

you might want someone to talk to.

You want dessert?

Can I get it to go?

What's up, Woods?

Oh, hey man.

Frankie!

Have you seen this?

Are you involved with this crap?

I'm chaperoning.

Oh, come on.

"A Night Under The Stars?"

Lame.

But I think your girl's gonna be there.

Okay.

Well, I'm just sayin',

it might be a good place to make a move.

You got the lights, the atmosphere.

The smuggled booze.

You'll be dressed up lookin' sharp.

Just give it a rest all right?

What, are you still pissed

'cause she danced with some guy?

Why do you care?

Because I'm just trying to help the cause, bro.

There's no cause, Brad.

It's just work.

- You sure you're good, man? - Oh yeah, thanks.

- All right, see ya tomorrow. - See you tomorrow.

'Bet.

It's Lorraine, leave a message.

Hey, what's the deal?

Call me back.

Hey.

What's up?

I've been calling you all week.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Where you been?

I was at your house on Saturday.

You have fun on your date?

What?

Angela said you were on a date.

Okay.

I told you I needed you that day.

No you didn't.

You said it was a possibility.

Then you ran off and never got back to me.

Something else came up.

Yeah, it's weird how that keeps happening.

Angela was telling me all about her Atlantic City trip.

So you've been ignoring me

because of something Angela said?

I missed a couple dinners.

That's not the point.

My mom thinks something's wrong.

Why?

Because you keep standing me up.

How does that mean you're gay?

What the fuck, asshole?

They probably just heard you say that.

How long do we have to keep doing this

before you get your shit together?

The whole point was to get her off your back

long enough to figure something out.

That's not your problem.

You're supposed to be helping me.

All I do is help you.

I have my own life.

Oh, I'm really sorry

I interfered with your busy schedule.

I didn't realize you were such a fucking ladies man.

Yeah, well, there's a lot of things I'd love

to tell you about but all you wanna talk about

is your parents and whatever bullshit party

I have to go to next.

How do you not know how ridiculous this is getting?

Yeah, it is ridiculous.

It's ridiculous that you would use your situation

to get out of helping me. It's pathetic actually.

I didn't use anything.

Yes, you did.

Why can't you just admit that you were wrong?

Fine, yeah.

It's my fault.

It's my fault your life's going nowhere.

Fuck you.

I feel bad for you.

You feel bad for me?

Yeah.

They don't care about you.

They only like you because they don't know you.

Just keep doin' what you're doin'.

I'm sure it'll work itself out.

You can do it without me.

Okay, I'm gonna put you guys in groups for this one.

Do we really need to be put in groups, Wells?

I mean, we're all just people, right?

Even us hideously deformed people.

Take out your books, please.

Henry, why don't you summarize

last week's discussion of McCourt for us?

I don't remember.

Something about potatoes probably.

Well, maybe you would know what

was said if you didn't spend

all of class staring at Courtney.

Oo!

Do you recall now?

How 'bout you, Brian?

What do you want?

I'm at work, I gotta go.

I already told you, I'm at work.

Yeah.

Yeah, later.

Sorry about that.

That the girl from the club?

A different one actually.

And this one's coming on real strong.

Like sending me pictures of her ass

at three in the morning strong.

Don't you hate when that happens?

I might need a break after this one.

You always been good at that?

Good at what?

What, talking to girls?

It's just confidence.

You can't look at them like they're better than you.

A lotta these chicks think they're something special

and they won't talk to you unless

you have the right ride

or a nice logo on your shirt

and if they make you feel like that,

they ain't worth it.

What if she was worth it?

Oh, you're talking about like,

like actually liking a chick?

Yeah, sure.

Well, no dude should ever have that problem

'cause romance doesn't get you anywhere.

Chicks don't care about romance until they're old

and saggy and nobody wants 'em anymore.

All they want is some dude to spend money on them.

Man, what happened to you?

I got wise my friend, and it's feelin' pretty good.

Were it so simple.

It is that simple, that's my point.

You know what?

- I'm gonna prove it to you. - Oh yeah, how's that?

What are you doing after work?

So, which one do you like?

I don't know.

This is ridiculous.

Chill, man.

This is a business.

Nobody cares what you look like

as long as you have some cash in your pocket.

It's a beautiful thing.

I don't do this stuff.

You're a man.

This is something men do, so just pick one.

Your dick won't know the difference.

Dibs on the blonde though.

You okay, sweetie?

I'm fine.

Just fine?

Does your friend take you out a lot?

This is my first time actually.

Relax.

I'm gonna take care of you.

He said I could ask for something extra?

Extra?

Yeah, there's more money in my pocket.

Sorry, they don't really let us do that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you wanna buy another dance?

Can you get my friend for me?

Okay.

Thanks.

What's up?

Can you help me off here, please?

Are you all right?

Did you ask her?

Yes.

So, what happened?

Nothing happened.

She shut you down?

Yeah, can we go?

No, let me get a different one.

- Don't worry about that bitch. - No, don't do that.

Come on, it'll take two seconds.

Can you please just help me off this couch?

I wanna get out of here.

♪ I hate to leave you high and dry ♪

♪ Bet you thought you fooled us ♪

Man, this is pathetic.

Why don't you take the rest of the night off?

You sure?

Yeah, go ahead, I got this.

Okay, thanks.

♪ And I wanna force you ♪

Are you serious?

Go back inside.

- You're gonna kill someone. - Fuck off.

Here.

Go back inside.

You...

You are one stupid bitch, you know that?

Go now.

Keep your fuckin' panties on.

You gonna go get my keys or what?

You can get 'em yourself in the morning.

Yeah?

Where you gonna go?

You gonna go see your girlfriend?

You gonna have fun with your girlfriend? Can I come with?

We could have fun, the three of us.

Get the fuck off me.

What?

When'd you stop likin' dick, huh?

What the?

Get the fuck away from me!

What happened?

Nothing.

Obviously something happened.

A bottle fell off the shelf.

I'm fine.

Oh my God.

Can you just stop?

That is not a bottle, Lorraine.

- How did that happen? - Jesus Christ!

- Why? - Tell me the truth!

Why do you have to be involved in everything?

You are my daughter.

You never tell me anything anymore.

I have no idea what is going on with you.

Tell me the truth.

And he takes outside for ball four.

Hitter missed the zone.

Oh, come on.

You are not going over there.

Just stop.

Why not?

My friends sleep over

at their boyfriends' houses all the time.

It's not a big deal.

That ain't happenin'.

Shut up!

I'm not talking to you.

Take her car keys.

She's done.

This isn't helping.

Stop!

- Get down here. - No!

You're being a little bit dramatic, don't you think?

Oh my God.

Oh, honey.

What happened?

I think we should call them.

And what are you gonna say?

They've obviously made up their minds.

It's wrong.

It's not our place to get involved.

Did you call the cops?

Why not?

He should be in jail.

What if he comes back next time you're at work?

There are towels in the bathroom

if you wanna take a shower.

Thanks.

Hey.

How was your weekend?

Fine.

How was yours?

I took your advice.

Really worked out.

It had to happen eventually.

I know.

You're not gonna make me say I'm sorry are you?

So, what you're really saying is Angela was right.

Please do not let her hear you say that.

That's like the opposite of helpful.

Nothing I say is gonna help.

I thought you didn't care about that stuff.

What stuff?

Relationships.

Well, apparently this is different.

That sucks.

Yeah.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I mean, I've seen the kind of guys she likes.

They're not me.

And that's not even me feeling sorry for myself.

It's just, she could have any guy she wants.

It's okay to feel sorry for yourself once in awhile.

It's called being human.

Well, it's overrated.

Everybody's acting like this should be some kind

of learning experience.

I don't want it to be a trial run.

I want it to be her.

I guess part of me always thought it would be.

Maybe it's just better

to leave things the way they are and move on.

Can you?

Or you could always drink yourself to death.

Thank you.

Finally some advice I can actually use.

Mm.

That's him.

- All right. - Whoa, whoa.

Are you sure you're good with this?

Yeah, I'm good.

Hey, man, you Zeke?

That's from Frank, you fuckin' pussy.

A little extra from me.

Don't lemme see you here again.

Lookin' straight with the shirt?

Yeah, it's getting there.

Yeah, it's gonna look good.

Hey.

Hey.

Yo.

Look at you.

Please.

How was work?

Fine.

No Zeke sightings?

Nope.

So, is she gonna be there?

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Guys, cut it out.

- There you go my friend. - Thank you, Sir.

Are you serious?

You down?

You look like you need it.

At least do it under the table.

Cool.

Cheers.

Yeah, the students did a lot this year.

Oh, sure.

Excuse me.

Nice talking to you.

I'll be back.

Having fun?

Oh, I am having a blast.

Looks like it.

Yeah.

You look nice.

So do you.

I haven't seen you for awhile.

Yeah, I've been around.

Hm, The Mysterious Mr. Wells.

So would it be a breach

of conduct if I asked you to dance?

I don't think anybody cares that we're here anyway.

Yeah, it doesn't look like it.

Shall we?

We shall.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to slow things down.

I've actually never done this before.

Oo, everyone's trying to figure out

how to grind in slow motion.

Can I call someone to come pick you up?

I'm okay, I can go back in.

Where is it?

It's gone.

It better be.

Now, get back inside.

We're gonna check on you later.

Okay.

Judy, wait.

I need to talk to you.

Okay.

I've really enjoyed spending time

with you since you've been back.

Me too.

And it's made me realize something.

Before you left, I always felt a certain way about you,

but I never said anything

because I was afraid I wasn't good enough.

You were perfect and I wasn't.

I've done everything I possibly can

to avoid having this conversation.

I told myself I was fine with the way things were,

but I can't keep pretending to be fine all the time.

I can't go back in there and dance with you

and joke around and not have it mean anything.

And I can't sit around and watch you fall

for Alex or whoever else without ever knowing

if it could have been me,

because that's what I want.

Frank, I didn't know.

Um...

I don't know what to say.

I care about you too, but in a different way.

Sorry, I don't wanna hurt you,

but I spend every day taking care

of other people and worrying about them.

I'm not asking you to take care of me.

I know.

I just need someone who's gonna take care of me.

I'm not perfect.

I'm sorry.

Me too.

Have fun.

So just order in for dinner.

I didn't have time to make anything.

We'll be good.

Thank you, sir.

- Love you. - All right, love you, too.

Have fun.

Just call me if you need anything.

We won't be that far away.

They'll be fine.

Watch out for your sister.

We'll sleep in shifts.

Bye.

Woods.

Woods?

Okay, let's see, daddy's new toy.

Let's see if I'm working this right.

Yes, red light's on.

It's pretty cool, right?

I know it's not as cool as your balloon.

I hope I'm doin' this right.

Hey, dude.

Look at the camera for me.

Say hi.

Jeez.

What are you doin'?

- Shit, was it loud? - Later, see what she thinks.

- I was up. - Hey pal.

- Sorry, I found it - Frank?

on the shelf, got curious.

Bless you.

My goodness. What are you sneezin' for?

You wanna hang out for a few minutes?

You goofy?

Yeah. Maybe you're allergic to the balloon.

I was just admiring your dad's camerawork.

Award winning.

You remember this?

No.

Can you say hi to your mom? Say hi, Mom.

No, no way.

- This was at the old house. - Balloon's more interesting.

Frank, hey buddy?

Take a look at the camera would ya?

Nope, he's his own man.

He's doin' his own thing.

He's a good looking kid.

Ladies and gentlemen here

is the future captain of the football team.

You'll be a stud buddy.

The girls are gonna be linin' up

to get to ya with a strut like that.

Handsome guy like you.

That's right.

You're gonna be fightin' the girls off with a stick buddy.

Look at this guy struttin' around.

Cheerleaders, you're gonna be swimmin' in cheerleaders.

They're gonna be all over you.

Right buddy?

That's right.

Big man on campus. Look at that strut.

What are you doing?

Just shut up.

Relax.

Can't let it go, you gotta hold onto it.

Hold on, don't let it go.

Don't let it go.

Oh, hold on, get it.

No, there it goes.

Say bye.

Lorraine?

Wait!

Lorraine!

That's Angela's job.

She got an important phone call.

Besides, it's the least I can do.

Okay.

I'll dry.

So,

I talked to my friend Gina,

her roommates are cool with me crashing

with them 'til I find something decent.

You know you can stay here, right?

I can't keep waiting around.

I have to just do it.

Yeah, I guess.

You wanna finish that movie?

Sure.

All right, let's get into it.

Erin, can you pass those out please?

Okay.

If there are no dissenters among us,

I'm gonna put you guys in pairs.

Heather you're with Tom.

Melissa with Katie.

Henry with Courtney.

Paul you're with Lindsey.

Anthony and Erin.

Ben and Allyson.

I mean, gluten is clearly

the worst thing possible for you.

Absolutely.

- I had one session- - Do you even know

what gluten is?

It's bread, I think.

But anyway.

How are you?

Good, how are you?

Good.

How's your class?

It's good.

Yeah.

I do a lot of hanging upside down.

Eight-minute abs, right?

Hey, we should do eight-minute abs

in the classroom once a day.

Change our lives.

Yeah, ya think?

Yeah and cut out gluten.

Why do you keep lookin' at that thing?

It's late. I have to pick up the key

from her roommate before she leaves for work.

What?

Is there traffic?

You're gonna make it, take it easy.

Oh, Jesus.

All right...

Tell your parents I really appreciate everything.

Yeah, will do.

Thanks, asshole.

A true classic.

I don't think I'd go that far.

Well, it's not up for discussion.

It's a classic.

It's like Mother's cooking.

Mother's cooking?

Dave, I've been to your house.

Your mother cannot cook.

Well, I meant your mother's cooking, Schmitty.

Tell her I'm sorry I haven't called her back, by the way.

And also tell her to tune in tomorrow morning

for a new segment called "Cripple Versus Cripple,"

during which the most valid invalid

in the tri-state area, yours truly,

will engage in some healthy debate

with my good friend Frank Wells.

It should be very intriguing

so you certainly don't wanna miss it.

And for now, here's another song

to help start your day the correct way.

♪ Why ♪

♪ Take away what you crave ♪

♪ You gotta live a little to feel okay ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ I don't even care what they say ♪

♪ Don't really think about 'em anyway ♪

♪ It gets harder just before release ♪

♪ It gets easy when you're free ♪

♪ Why don't we say ♪

♪ Why can't we play ♪

♪ Our ♪

♪ Why don't we say ♪

♪ Why can't we play ♪

♪ Our own game ♪