Original subtitles

(CLOCK TICKING, RINGING)

(THEME MUSIC)

♪

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪

(OFFSCREEN) -MALE #1: THERE'S THE DELIVERY TRUCK, SONIC.

LET'S GO!

-YOU KIDDIN', KID?

THE TRUCK'S STILL LIGHT YEARS AWAY.

WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?

-IT'S MY FAVORITE COMIC BOOK.

COME ON, WE GOTTA BE FIRST IN LINE.

♪

(CHANTING "CRACK UPS)

-GO IF YOU WANNA, SHORT STUFF,

IF YOU'RE WORRIED.

-I'M NOT WORRIED.

♪

AHH!

OKAY, I'M WORRIED.

(WHIRRING SOUND)

-BUT THE TRUCK'S ONLY DOING 80!

♪

NOW IT'S FUN.

♪

(SCREECHING BRAKES)

THE NEW ISSUE OF THE CRACKED UPS ANIMATED

TALKING COMIC BOOK, PLEASE.

(CHEERING)

-I'VE BEEN WAITIN' A WHOLE MONTH FOR THIS.

-ME TOO.

THE ONLY PROBLEM WITH CRACK UPS IS

THAT IT DOESN'T GET HERE FAST ENOUGH.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

-GROUNDER, LOOK, I GOT THIS MONTH'S CRACK UPS.

(OFFSCREEN) -MALE #2: BOYS, THIS COULD WELL BE

THE CULMINATION OF MY UNBELIEVABLE EVIL

AND BRILLIANT CAREER.

I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN BUILDING

THE MOST INESCAPABLE PRISON EVER,

EQUIPPED WITH A FOOL PROOF SECURITY SYSTEM.

EVERY DETAIL IS SO PERFECT

I'VE MODESTLY NAMED IT AFTER MYSELF.

I CALL IT "ROBOTNIK'S ROT YOUR LIFE AWAY DUNGEONS."

(DITZY MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

♪

(OFFSCREEN) GROUNDER: HEY, PUSH THE TALK AND MOVE BUTTON.

HURRY!

(OFFSCREEN) -NARRATOR: HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL.

HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL.

(SLIDE WHISTLE)

BUT THE PEOPLE OF MOBIUS JUST STOOD ROUND AND GIGGLED

WHILE THAT ROTTEN EGG JUST LAID THERE AND WRIGGLED!

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(OFFSCREEN) -ROBOTNIK: WHAT IS SO FUNNY?

I SEE.

YOU BEEN CHORTLING AT A COMIC BOOK.

IS SOMETHING IN HERE SO MUCH MORE ENTERTAINING

THAN MY INSTRUCTIVE AND BRILLIANT DISCOURSE?

-HELP, I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP.

(LAUGHTER)

-HOW DARE ANYONE ON MOBIUS LAUGH AT THE GREAT DR. ROBOTNIK!

NO ONE MAKES FUN OF ME!

NO ONE!

WHOEVER'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS OUTRAGE

WILL BE MY FIRST PRISONER.

BRING ME THE VILE CREATURE

WHO DREW THIS CARTOON!

(OFFSCREEN) -MALE #3: THAT'S FUNNY, YES.

THAT'S FUNNY.

(WHISTLES)

CRACKS ME UP.

AS I ALWAYS SAY,

"IF IT CRACKS ME UP IT OUGHTA BE IN CRACK UPS."

(WHISTLING)

-SKETCH LAMPOON.

-THAT'S MY NAME, DON'T WEAR IT OUT.

(WHISTLES)

-IN THE NAME OF DR. ROBOTNIK

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

-WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HE CAN'T TAKE A YOLK?

THAT'S FUNNY, GET IT?

HE LOOKS LIKE AN EGG.

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

"HELP, I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP."

I LOVE THIS COMIC BOOK!

(LAUGHTER)

-HEY, SONIC, LOOK.

THERE'S A FREE POSTER OF YOU IN THIS ISSUE.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

-HEY, AREN'T I TALLER THAN THAT?

(OFFSCREEN) -RADIO ANNOUNCER: JUST A MINUTE,

I'M BEING HANDED A BULLETIN.

SKETCH LAMPOON, CARTOONIST AT PUBLISHER

OF CRACK UPS, HAS JUST BEEN KIDNAPPED.

(GASPING)

-WHAT?

SOMEBODY KIDNAPPED THE GUY WHO DRAWS THIS COMIC BOOK?

(OFFSCREEN) -RADIO ANNOUNCER: YES.

NOW, WERE WAS I?

OH, OH, YEAH.

DR. ROBOTNIK UNVEILED A NEW PRISON COMPLEX TODAY.

-WELL, I'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA

WHO DID IT.

-ROBOTNIK?

-IF HE THINKS HE CAN LOCK PEOPLE UP

JUST FOR MAKIN' FUN OF HIM,

HE'S GOT ANOTHER THINK COMING.

-WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

-THE JAILBREAK JAM.

UP, OVER, AND GONE!

♪

(SCREECHING)

UP HUMPTY'S WALL WE GO.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

THAT CRUM BUM KIDNAPPER.

IT'S JUST AS I THOUGHT.

(OFFSCREEN) -ROBOTNIK: TRY PUBLISHING YOUR WRETCHED LITTLE

COMIC BOOK NOW, JAILBIRD.

(LAUGHTER)

-TAILS, IT'S GOING TO MAKE MY DAY

SPOILING ROBOTNIK'S DAY.

(OFFSCREEN) -ROBOTNIK: PREPARE TO ENGAGE THE SECURITY SYSTEM.

(OFFSCREEN) -COMPUTER: YES, YOUR VICIOUSNESS.

-AND I ORDER YOU TO TELL ME

OF ANY AND ALL BREACHES OF SECURITY

THE SECOND THEY COME UP.

(OFFSCREEN) -COMPUTER: AS YOU WISH, YOUR EVILNESS.

-YES.

IT'S A CINCH, KID.

-YEAH?

-WITH MY SUPER SONIC SPEED, I'LL HAVE MR. LAMPOON

OUT OF HIS CELL BEFORE THAT HUNK OF JUNK COMPUTER

CAN EVEN TELL ROBOTNIK THAT I'VE GOTTEN IN.

-OH, YOU'RE THE BEST, SONIC.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET IN?

-I'M GONNA LET HIM CATCH ME.

-YOU'RE GONNA LET HIM CATCH YOU?

-IT'S THE EASIEST WAY, SQUIRT.

BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M GONNA HAVE

A LITTLE FUN WITH HIM FIRST.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪

DO YOUR WINDOWS, MAC?

-MAKE IT SNAPPY.

♪

ALL DONE.

-WHAT?

-PRETTY GOOD LIKENESS, HUH?

-THE HEDGEHOG'S RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW!

S.S.S.S.S SQUAD, ARREST HIM!

(OFFSCREEN) -ROBOT #1: GET YOUR GEARS ON GEAR, SLOWPOKE.

-I'M GETTIN', I'M GETTIN'.

GETTIN' SICK OF YOU.

(OFFSCREEN) -SONIC: ♪ LA, LA, LA, STALLING FOR TIME ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA, STALLING FOR TIME ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

-HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, HEDGEHOG.

-BOY, YOU GUYS ARE FAST.

YOU MUST HAVE TAKEN YOUR VITAMINS TODAY.

-SHUT YOUR YAP.

-OKAY, I WILL.

-FEET APART.

-HANDS ON TOP OF YOUR HEAD.

-NO!

-I WAS HOPING HE'D SAY THAT.

♪

(SCREAMING)

♪

(EXPLOSION)

♪

-WHY, I OUGHTA.

(CRASHING)

-SEE YA, SLOW-MOS.

(SOFT CHEERFUL MUSIC)

-HE WENT THIS WAY.

AND DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID THIS TIME.

-AW, GIVE ME A BREAK.

IT'S NOT LIKE I TRY TO BE STUPID.

♪

-ARE YOU DUDES LOOKIN' FOR THAT

SPEED BURNIN' BLUE DUDE?

-YEAH, HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?

-DUDE, HE JUST RIPPED OFF MY BUD'S HANG GLIDER

AND CAUGHT A GUST.

RIGHT?

-TUBULAR.

-BUT HERE, BORROW MINE

AND GO AFTER HIM.

♪

(TROMBONE MUSIC)

♪

(GROANING)

(SCREAMING)

(OFFSCREEN) -SONIC: WHOA, WIPE OUT, DUDE.

(HAPPY MUSIC)

♪

-THANKS, TAILS, BUT NOW YOU

BETTER KEEP CLEAR OVER HERE.

♪

-I'LL HANDLE THIS ONE.

HOP ON.

-IT'S SHOW TIME.

(PANTING)

OH, THIS SAND IS SO HARD FOR ME TO RUN IN.

(SCREECHING)

-THERE HE IS.

-YOU'RE HISTORY NOW, HEDGEHOG.

(WHEELS SCREECHING)

(SCREAMING)

I'M GOING TO ROLL RIGHT OVER YOU.

-OH, THEY'RE GOING TO CATCH ME.

WHAT SHALL I DO?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I'LL TRICK 'EM.

THEY'LL SURELY FALL FOR THIS ONE.

♪

-WHO DOES HE THINK WE ARE?

NITWITS?

THAT'S NOT A CANNON.

IT'S ONLY SAND.

♪

-AHH!

WELL, THEN THEY'LL DEFINITELY FALL FOR THIS ONE.

♪

-HA, AND THAT'S NOT A BEAR.

IT'S ONLY SAND.

♪

-YOO-HOO.

-AND THAT'S ONLY A SANDCASTLE.

(THUD)

-OUCH!

-UH-OH.

(GROANING)

(LAUGHTER)

-ANCHORS AWAY.

WELL, GOT AN AWARD WINNIN' ACTIN' JOB TO FINISH.

(COUGHING)

-"I'LL HANDLES THIS ONE, HOP ON."

YOU MUTANT CHICKEN.

-HUH?

-OH, I GIVE UP.

YOU GUYS WORE ME OUT.

I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER STEP.

-I DID IT!

-NO, I DID IT.

-I TIRED HIM OUT.

-BUT I GRABBED HIM.

-SO?

-SURE HOPE SONIC KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.

(OFFSCREEN) -ROBOTNIK: WHAT AN EVIL-LICIOUS DAY.

FIRST, I OPEN MY MAGNIFICENT ESCAPE PROOF PRISON

THEN I FILL IT WITH MY MOST HATED ENEMY.

(LAUGHTER)

-AND I TIRED HIM OUT.

-AND I GRABBED HIM.

(OFFSCREEN) -SKETCH: 'BOUT TIME YOU CAME ROUND.

(WHISTLES)

THE LINING OF MY CELL NEEDS CHANGING.

-HEY, IT'S SKETCH LAMPOON.

-SONIC THE HEDGEHOG?

(CRASHING)

-MR. LAMPOON, I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN.

THAT HUMPTY DUMPTY THING WAS HILARIOUS.

(WHISTLES)

-WELL, THANKS, KID.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SONIC POSTER?

-AREN'T I... A LITTLE TALLER?

(WHISTLES)

-EVERYONE'S A CRITIC.

-BUT I'M HERE TO SPRING YOU OUTTA THIS JOINT.

YEAH, MR. LAMPOON, THAT BIG, FAT,

STUPID ROBOTNIK HUMPTY WAS A SCREAM.

(WHISTLING)

-GET A MOVE ON!

VISITING TIME IS OVER.

(SQUEAKING)

(OFFSCREEN) -SONIC: AND THIS CELL MUST BE MINE.

-NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I HAVE A SPECIAL CELL FOR YOU.

IN FACT, I HAVE A SPECIAL WING FOR YOU.

THE WING THAT EVEN YOU, MY SUPER SONIC PEST,

CANNOT ESCAPE FROM!

-AHH!

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

OOPS.

THAT'S ONE FAST TALK TRICK THAT JUST BACKFIRED.

SONIC, OLD BUD, YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.

(OFFSCREEN) -ROBOTNIK: WELCOME TO YOUR FINAL RESTING SPOT, HEDGEHOG.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S AN ALL NUCLEAR FORGED STEEL BUILDING.

(GROANING)

AND AN ALL NUCLEAR FORGED STEEL CELL.

SO, YOU KNOW THAT CLEVER LITTLE BUZZ SAW THING YOU DO

THAT I HATE SO MUCH?

WELL, IT WON'T WORK HERE.

YOU CAN'T SAW THIS STEEL.

(LAUGHTER)

NOW, IF YOU DO SOMEHOW GET LUCKY

AND MANAGE TO ESCAPE THIS CELL,

MY FUEL INJECTOR TURBO CHARGED SWIVELING SPEAR SHOOTER

AND MY TRIPLE ACTION BERYLLIUM POWERED

LICKETY SPLIT LASER LAUNCHER

ARE PROGRAMMED AND READY TO FIRE ON ANYTHING THAT'S BLUE.

HEDGEHOG BLUE, THAT IS.

-THE COOLEST COLOR ON THE PLANET, ROBOTNIK.

(GRUMBLING)

-AND TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NOT ONE SPECK

OF YOUR BLUE HIDE LEFT,

MY EXTRA LARGE SUPER NASTY

SWINGING SPIKE BALL WILL OBLITERATE YOU!

-AW, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO ALL

THIS TROUBLE FOR LITTLE OL' ME, HUMPTY.

(GRUMBLING)

-GET IN THERE!

YOU'VE INTERFERED WITH MY PLANS FOR

THE LAST TIME.

GUARDS, TO YOUR POST!

I HAVE PILES OF EVIL TO PERFORM

NOW THAT SONIC'S OUT OF THE WAY.

STARTING WITH--

--YOUR NEW ISSUE OF CRACK UPS

WILL BE ALL ABOUT ME.

I'LL SHOW MOBIUS HOW I REALLY AM.

START DRAWING!

NO, NO, THINNER.

MORE MUSCLES, MORE HANDSOME.

YES, THAT'S IT.

MY EYES LIKE POOLS, MY TEETH LIKE POLISHED IVORY.

THAT'S WHAT I LOOK LIKE.

(WHISTLES)

-IN YOUR DREAMS.

-OH, WELL.

SUPER SONIC INTELLIGENCE IS GONNA HAVE

TO GET ME OUT OF HERE.

(OFFSCREEN) -GROUNDER: HEY, IT'S MY TURN TO HOLD IT, HEN HEAD.

(OFFSCREEN) -ROBOT #1: BUT YOU ALWAYS TURN THE PAGES TOO SLOW.

-AND YOU ALWAYS TURN THEM TOO FAST.

-AND YOU SPIT OIL WHEN YOU LAUGH, GROSS FACE.

(DINGING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(OFFSCREEN) -SONIC: OH, OH, THIS IS RICH.

THIS IS A RIOT.

THIS IS THE BEST CRACK UPS EVER.

(LAUGHTER)

MAN, THE ONE THAT CAME OUT TODAY

IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS NEW ONE.

(LAUGHTER)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

-HEY! -HUH?

-WHAT NEW CRACK UPS?

-OH, SKETCH JUST GAVE ME AN ADVANCED COPY

OF NEXT MONTH'S ISSUE JUST BEFORE

YOU GUYS KIDNAPPED HIM.

(LAUGHTER)

WANT TO SEE IT?

♪

(OFFSCREEN) -GROUNDER: WAIT A MINUTE, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

-WHY NOT?

-BECAUSE, UH, I FORGET.

SONIC, WHY CAN'T WE OPEN THE DOOR?

-BECAUSE I'M A PRISONER AND I MIGHT RUN AWAY.

-OH YEAH.

-THAT'S IT.

BECAUSE HE'S A PRISONER AND HE MIGHT RUN AWAY, DOPE.

-BUT I CAN'T RUNAWAY 'CAUSE MY LEGS ARE IN CHAINS.

-BUT HE CAN'T RUN AWAY 'CAUSE HIS LEGS

ARE IN CHAINS, STUPID.

-NOT TO MENTION THE SPEARS AND LASERS.

-THOSE, TOO!

-SO I'LL JUST PUT THE COMIC ON THE FLOOR,

SIT BACK HERE, YOU GUYS OPEN THE DOOR,

AND PICK IT UP.

-YEAH. -THAT'LL WORK.

♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪

-WELL, I MAY BE TALLER THAN THIS,

BUT I THINK THEY GOT MY HEDGEHOG BLUE COLOR

JUST RIGHT.

I DON'T THINK THE SPEARS AND LASERS

ARE GOING TO NOTICE ANY DIFFERENCE.

(LAUGHTER)

-HEY, THIS IS AS FUNNY AS THE LAST ONE.

-HEY, THIS IS THE LAST ONE!

-HUH, WHAT GIVES, SONIC?

-IT'S A TRICK!

♪

(SCREAMING)

(EXPLOSION)

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHING)

-TIME FOR THE KEYS, PLEASE.

♪

(WHIRRING)

-SONIC, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

-SURE AM.

READY TO FINISH THE JAILBREAK JAM?

-YEAH.

-CAN YOU TRIP ALL THE OUTSIDE GATE SENSORS?

-OKAY!

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

♪

-AND THEN THERE WAS THE TIME

I RESTRUCTURED THE DNA OF OUR CLASS' PET HAMSTER.

TURNED IT INTO A TAPEWORM.

THAT WAS ESPECIALLY EVIL.

DRAW THAT NEXT.

(ALARM)

HM?

YOU HAVEN'T ESCAPED.

I WOULD HAVE NOTICED THAT.

THE HEDGEHOG!

-YOO-HOO, DR. DUMPTY.

(OFFSCREEN) -COMPUTER: UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY ON C LEVEL.

-IT CAN'T BE!

WHERE ARE SCRATCH AND GROUNDER?

WHAT HAPPENED?

(OFFSCREEN) -COMPUTER: GATE SENSOR A ACTIVATED.

-FORGET IT!

JUST GET THEM!

-YO, MR. COMPUTER.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

♪

-TIME TO PLAY WHEEL OF HEDGEHOG.

ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ON TV.

(OFFSCREEN) -COMPUTER: UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY CORRIDOR 23, SECTOR A.

UH, I--I MEAN, CORRIDOR 22, SECTOR G.

NO, NO, UH, GATE SENSOR B-- NO, NO, I MEAN,

D LEVEL, DEVICE D6.

UH, YUP.

-KEEP UP WITH HIM!

(GROWLING)

(OFFSCREEN) -SONIC: AND HERE, AND HERE, AND HERE.

♪

(GROWLING)

THOSE GUYS NEVER LEARN, DO THEY?

♪

(OFFSCREEN) -COMPUTER: I QUIT, I GIVE UP.

I WANNA NICE QUIET JOB AS A CASH REGISTER.

-I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG!

(SCREAMING)

(EXPLOSION)

(SQUEAKING)

-OOPS, I THINK THIS PARTY'S OVER.

(OFFSCREEN) -GROUNDER: OH NO.

(OFFSCREEN) -SONIC: TELL YOU WHAT.

I'LL GIVE YOU A FAIR SHOT.

I'LL WAIT RIGHT HERE SO YOU CAN TRY AND CATCH ME.

-LET'S GET HIM!

(GROANING)

-SORRY TO SMASH AND RUN, BOYS,

BUT I GOTTA SNATCH SKETCH AND SPLIT

'CAUSE THIS PLACE IS GONNA BLOW!

-BOY, AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.

-'CAUSE YOUR CELL'S CRUMBLIN' ALL AROUND YOU?

-NO, 'CAUSE IF I HAD TO DRAW ONE MORE

PANEL OF ROBOTNIK'S LIFE STORY

I'D HAVE GONE CUCKOO.

(SAWING)

♪

BUT NOW I'M FREE TO WORK ON HUMPTY DUMPTY 2.

♪

AND I'M GONNA MAKE ROBOTNIK LOOK REALLY STUPID.

(WHISTLES)

NOW THAT'S FUNNY.

♪

(EXPLOSION)

-ACTUALLY, MR. LAMPOON, I DON'T THINK

YOU CAN MAKE ROBOTNIK LOOK ANY STUPIDER

THAN HE ALREADY IS.

(LAUGHTER)

(OFFSCREEN) -ROBOTNIK: HELP ME!

HELP!

HELP ME!

I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET--

(CRYING)

♪

I HATE THAT HEDGEHOG.

(THEME MUSIC)

♪

(OFFSCREEN) -SONIC: HOLD IT, LITTLE BUDDY.

ART IS WAY PAST COOL, TAILS,

BUT DON'T USE A BUILDING FOR A CANVAS

'CAUSE THAT'S GRAFFITI.

♪

-WELL, LET'S SEE IT.

-NOW THAT'S ART.

I'M WAITING.

NOW THAT'S WAY PAST ART.

(HAPPY THEME MUSIC)

♪

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