Original subtitles

[ Cries ] Ow!

Oh, did that hurt? Owie. Yes, it does hurt.

I tried to imagine who you might become.

Ryne Sandberg? Jordan?

But none of those dreams came true for your dad.

If everybody could please not feed Caper any peanuts --

These cookies are peanut butter, so I should toss them.

Who cares that I had to take a second mortgage out

to pay for med school?

It's already paid for itself.

For the last time, Don, my name is Gwen.

Your brother is paying our guests to take photos with him.

-I want to get the food in. -This girlfriend,

what's her name? -It's Olive.

Very interesting to date somebody

named after a bar snack.

Fuck you, Walter!

Fuck you, Miss Kale Chips!

Oh! Oh!

Beer is fun!

-[ Laughs ] Fun. -Whoo!

How did your dad take the med school news?

Surprisingly well.

I've taken up Tarot. Am I gonna die?

I'm not saying it. The cards are.

What was it that you were trying to tell us before?

[ Doorbell rings ] I...fuck!

Michael: Sleep tight.

I'm sorry that my sister forced you

to drink beer and do all these drinking games

even though you made it very clear that you don't drink.

You do know where the kids are, don't you?

Chad: Geez Louise. [ Woman moans ]

I think it's really cool that you didn't flip your lid

when Olive told you two years ago

she dropped out of med school.

Oli-i-i-i-i-i-i...

[ Ding! ]

...i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ve!

Olive! Olive, why did Mark say you dropped out of school?

Why?

Don, there's no need to cause an earthquake.

I'm sure there is an explanation.

I'm sorry. [ Clears throat ] I'll calm down.

Why...did...Mark... just...say...

you...dropped...out...of... med school?

Why? Why?!

Because I did.

-[ Gasps ] -Oh, my God.

-I'm sorry. -[ Whimpers ]

I feel terrible.

I-I've felt terrible

for a long time -- for years.

Years?!

Also, sir -- What?

-Sorry. My name is Clark. -Huh?

Like, Clark Kent, like Superman. -Okay.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

-Right. -It's not important right now.

It's just a name. It's just my name.

Olive, why is he still talking?

Is he the reason you dropped out of med school?

What's going on? Why is Don being so loud?

-Olive's a liar. -...gullible, medically...

Well, that's lovely.

Mmm! Mom, this food's really good.

This is a joke, right? This is a joke.

You're all -- You're all playing

a big practical joke on Daddy, right?

What's in the stuffing? Is it rosemary?

Is there a pinch of rosemary? -Yeah, rosemary.

It's a great situation.

This is a-a meme.

It's one of those meme things, right?

I don't know what a meme is... -I don't know what a meme is.

...but this is a meme.

I didn't know about the second mortgage.

[ Sighs ]

I-I would have told you sooner.

Geez. That's just lovely.

Isn't that great, honey? Isn't that sweet?

Sigmund Fraud over here didn't know

that I borrowed $200,000 from the bank

at a high interest rate.

Otherwise, she would have admitted that she was a thief.

She didn't just deceive you. She deceived me, too.

I mean, do I look happy?

-You still kind of look happy. -Yeah.

You don't have a good angry face, mom.

You know, I was thinking interest rates

are at an all-time low. Shut up. Shut up.

[ Whimpers ] Oh, no.

-Why would you do that to me? -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, God, you look really bad. -I feel really bad.

Yeah, you look sick.

Olive, you didn't just deceive me.

You deceived your dear, sweet mother, too.

Olive Morgan, MD, doesn't stand for doctor anymore.

It stands for Olive Morgan, mother deceiver!

Look! You're making Michael cry.

[ Sobs ]

I feel terrible, okay? It's really eating me up.

Speaking of eating, has anyone taken a moment to admire

all the food that's on the table that I spent all day preparing?

-Oh, yeah, it's really good. -Oh, my gosh.

-I love the flaxseed I brought. -It's completely delicious ]

Comment. Um [clears throat] it's true.

This has actually been stressing out Olive for years.

Wait. You knew about this, and you didn't tell me?

[ Laughing ] No!

Well, yeah.

What kind of a son are you?

We all knew, Dad.

Yeah, I knew as well, Dad.

Everyone knew. I didn't.

This is the first I'm hearing of it.

I would never lie to you.

I love living at home and eating your food for free.

Olive, what happened to the money?

Well, I spent it.

Most of it.

New York is very expensive, sir.

Yeah, not yet.

Uh, and it's really-- really a perfect storm

of finite living space meeting a high demand,

and it's -- it's difficult for --

Awesome, Clark. Good to see you, pal.

Maybe we just take this time

to chill out for a few minutes here, you know.

Hit the bathroom.

Unless you two were in this together.

Did Superman help you drop out?

No. Is he the guy that --

that convinced you to -- to drop out of school

and -- and rip off your Daddy?

I don't want to be a doctor.

I-I haven't for a really long time.

You were always good with numbers.

Maybe something with numbers,

like accounting or something?

No.

You could be a geologist.

No. Coding.

You know, women are very underrepresented in that field,

not that it's the only reason you should

go in to do something, but -- -No.

Hang out at a museum, but in a work way.

-Or journalism. -No.

Chad: A friend of mine sells dream catchers.

I feel like I see you in the science space.

[ Indistinct chatter ] -Jazz dancer.

Corey: Oh, uh, you could be a molding guy.

-A geologist. -You can mold.

-Mm, yeah. -Stand-in.

I don't think that requires any ability whatsoever.

You can be like a notary public!

[ Indistinct chatter ]

-Oh, you could be a teacher. -Yeah.

A mime.

[ Sniffs ] Molding.

Work at DSW.

You could be a forensic pathologist.

Interesting. What's that?

Have you seen "Bones?"

That's not literally what it is,

but it's sort of in that zone, you know?

-You got to see "Bones." -"Bones" is good.

It's not about bones.

Yeah, the fifth season's bad, but you got to power through it.

[ Crying ]

Enough of this, you bald-headed baby.

Grow up and grow a pair of...

Every kid is a disappointment.

Each generation forgets

that their parents aren't proud of them.

When you were born, I held you in my arms

and hoped you'd be an athlete, a general,

a coronet player in a big band,

a Mercury astronaut,

the quarter stop for the Brooklyn Dodgers,

a soda-pop bottler,

an announcer on an AM radio show,

America's first millionaire, a judge on a panel show,

and yes, a doctor.

Instead, you turned out to be a guy who owns a hardware store.

Libertyville's number-one hardware store...

...in 1995.

Yeah, whose scope of reference ended

with his neighbor's driveway.

Well, now we know where Dad gets it from.

You're still my son.

Your mother and I forgive you

for all the letdowns through the years.

We love you.

We love all of you.

Even Stevie.

That was sweet.

Don't talk with flaxseed in your teeth.

Do I have some? Oh, yeah.

-Do I have -- -It's like, the whole grill.

Pop, the thing is, you don't understand --

Olive here lied.

Clark: Sir, you should all know

that I work really hard,

and I'll be able to support Olive

in whatever she chooses to do.

Clark, killer, I just think you should probably

stop trying to reason with him.

Don, you're ruining Thanksgiving.

I did all this work.

Clark, our family's not normally like this.

-Mm. -Well, kind of.

Actually, our family's always like this.

[ Indistinct arguing ]

Hey! Everyone, shut up!

[ Arguing stops ]

I'm here to celebrate Thanksgiving,

so stop fighting and start eating.

Harper, sweetheart, what you don't understand

is the pain I feel,

it's not like the pain your Daddy feels right now.

That's -- That's physical pain.

But what I'm feeling right now is much, much deeper.

Gramps, eat.

Oh, fine.

[ Silverware clacking ]

So, uh here's -- here's something fun that I read.

Do you folks know that bees communicate through movement?

-No. -Huh.

-Yes, they do, Chad. -No, they don't.

They can't talk, so they have to talk through their bodies.

A bee can't go, like, "Hey, you catch the game last night?"

They got to be like, "Hey, how are you" -- Ohh.

That was a bad move.

Mikey, you're fine.

-[ Groans ] -With all this commotion,

I forgot we need to say grace.

-[ Groans ] Okay. -You're right, honey.

I'll do it. Everybody, grab hands.

Oh, dearest God above looking down on us,

please blow my fucking head off.

-Oh, Don. -Dad, language.

-I'm sorry. It's how I feel. -Language!

-My daughter is right here! -Hey!

-Excuse me, Harper. -You know?

Michael: Trying to raise a proper child.

Adorey Corey, why don't you say something?

Okay. Um... Hey. Psst!

This might be a good opportunity to say your goodbyes.

As quickly as possible.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Dear God, thank you for this food.

If you let me live, I promise to be a better person.

I'm already a pretty good person compared to other people --

I'm not gonna name names --

but you know who I'm talking about -- Olive.

What?

-Amen. -Amen.

[ Indistinct chatter ] What the fuck was that.

I hate it. I hate it all.

**

Stevie: [ Clears throat ]

Kathy, this is such a lovely dinner.

Thank you, Vera. Thank you for what?

Um, Mrs. Morgan, Olive is such a unique name.

How did you come up with it?

Kathy likes martinis.

And tequila. It'll keel ya.

[ Laughs ]

[ Groans ] What?

You were really named after a bar snack?

Yeah, I guess so.

Wow. That's surprising.

Mom, I hate to break this whole no phones at the dinner table...

Oh, come on.

...but I have some big news.

My campaign photo from earlier today

has actually already gone viral.

-[ Groans ] -Go, Chad.

It's already got

over 1,000 reposts on just -- -Oh, baby!

-...on just one photo. -Chad, it's a video.

-I mean, things are going -- -It's a video.

they're looking -- It is a video, yeah.

-Mom, come on. -[ Laughs ] Okay.

All right. Here we go.

-[ Laughs ] - Something stinks like shit.

-Oh, now, come on. -Oh, no.

Come on.

[ Laughs ]

Hey. I'm talking to you!

Look impressed. I told you.

[ Laughs ]

Chad: Oh, my -- Gah!

You are supposed to think those things, not say them.

I'm so sorry. I'm such a goddamn idiot.

Gah! What the fuck?

Hey, language. Sorry.

No! There's comments!

Look. They want me to kill myself.

They are very specific about how they'd

like you to kill yourself. -What little rats.

You know, Chad, I've heard that all press is good press.

Oh, shut the flying door up.

I didn't make that up. That's, like --

It's a thing they say for sure.

It's a thing that has been said by someone.

Babe, we are gonna buy the best publicist.

We're gonna turn this into a good thing.

Thanks, Monica.

Gwen.

[ Sighs ]

Sorry about that. Your name is Gwen.

It's totally fine. I'm just gonna start wearing a name tag.

-I know it's Gwen. -You know, honestly,

that's not a bad idea for all of us to start doing

because I'll tell you right now, I don't know who you are.

It's Clark.

What?

Clark.

Mnh. Cl-- Clark.

It's like Clark Kent. Stevie: Corey.

The spirit of tarot has spoken to me.

It has?

It said "the eater will become the eaten."

She's just fucking with you, dude.

She does this when she gets bored.

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

I wouldn't do that, Corey.

The universe has spoken to me. I felt it.

Corey, I spent all day in the kitchen.

Eat up! I don't want to die.

Corey, if your mother's cooking hasn't killed me yet,

it's not gonna kill you.

-You shouldn't eat. -Eat it!

Hey, Corey, um,

why don't you shove the food down your gullet, dude?!

-If you want to eat it, eat it. -Put it in your mouth.

-It is gonna kill you. -This is not science.

-Corey. -Eat that!

-Don't eat it. -Hey!

-Corey. -Stop it.

Eat it. Come on, Corey.

-Come on. Eat it, Corey. -Come on. Just eat.

[ Sobs ] I don't want to!

Corey, don't eat it!

Don't eat it! -I don't want to!

I don't want to! I don't -- Please don't!

-You better eat that! -Put that in your mouth!

-[ Crying, grunting ] -Eat it, Corey.

Corey, don't! Corey, don't!

[ Slow-mo ] Do it!

[ Slow-mo ] Go on, put it in your mouth.

[ Gasping ]

I'm alive. I mean, yeah.

[ Laughs ] [ Indistinct chatter ]

I'm alive!

[ Laughs ] Mmm.

We're giving out trophies for that?

Of course you're alive, stupid. You're so gullible.

Every time she gets bored.

Poor baby. Thought you was gonna die.

Stevie, stop scaring Corey.

Why? It's fun.

It's okay, mom. I'm an easy target.

Oh, uh... Mrs. Morgan.

Yes, Clark?

Uh, Your --

Your... What?

-Your... -Your pants are open, mom.

Oh, geez!

My God. When did that happen?

[ Groans ]

* My pants are tight on Thanksgiving *

[ Laughs ] Ooh, that's better.

Three hours ago?

Well, thank you very much for noticing, Clark.

[ Scoffs ] What is that supposed to mean?

It means sometimes, I feel invisible in my own house.

That's what it means.

I wish that, um, I was invisible right about now.

Come on, Mom. You're not invisible.

You know, everyone's talking about following their dreams,

and no one's asking me about my dreams, my wants, my goals.

Honey, your dream is to cook us Thanksgiving dinner

and then to get to bed

at a sensible hour. -Oh, Don.

Yeah, I think that's maybe what she wanted to do today.

I don't know if it's like a capital "D" dream.

Mom, what's your dream?

Je m'appelle Cheese.

What? "My name is Cheese?"

Yeah, I want to own my own cheese shop

on Milwaukee Avenue next to the tango studio.

It'd have wood paneled walls,

and I'd sell fancy cheeses at affordable prices.

You want to be a cheesemonger? Is that the...?

Yeah, a cheesemonger. I mean, look.

I handpicked all the cheeses on the table.

I got that beautiful feta,

the smoked gouda, the gold stilton.

Each block of cheese tells its own story.

I would learn the craft from the finest

artisanal cheesemakers in Lake Forest.

There's a two week course.

Cool. Oh, well.

You know, perhaps in my next life,

as Twinkles always talks about.

Mom, that's your dream? Just to have a wine and cheese shop?

No, just a cheese shop. I wouldn't sell wine.

Yeah, I think that's a totally attainable thing, then.

You think so? Yeah.

I don't know anything about businesses.

Uh, it's silly.

Gwen: If Chad can run a business,

I think literally any human can do it.

-Yeah. -That's true.

Yeah, It is true.

I still have some money left

from the last med-school check that Dad sent.

That would be great.

Oh, oh, that's perfect.

Now you want to give away the money that you stole from me.

[ Laughs ] Perfect. Perfecto.

Thank you. I mean, you could work there with me.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Ladies and gents, it's time!

[ All groan ]

Oh, come on, I did not spend all day in the kitchen

drinking -- cooking -- so I could sit here

and not hear what you're all thankful for.

Yes, exactly.

Can we please show your mother a little respect here?

Go around the table. Who's gonna start?

-I'll start. -Harper, why don't you start?

Harper: Okay.

Um, I'm thankful that,

as Shakespeare says, we know who we are,

but not who we may be.

Also, that my dad isn't in a wheelchair...yet.

-Aww. -[ Chuckles ]

That's really beautiful, Harps.

You know, obviously, I'm thankful for Obamacare,

which I'm going to apply for tomorrow for this bad boy.

And, uh, I looked into it.

They do cover pre-existing conditions, so I am...

You don't need it. ...in the clear.

And, uh -- pbht, dummy -- thankful for Sue.

I think we all agree Sue is...

Yeah. ...lovely.

-Yeah, she's great. -She's too sexual for you.

Don't say that, please. Come on.

She's a beast you cannot handle.

I said, "Don't say it." I didn't say, "Say it again."

She will eat you alive.

Three times. Really? Okay. Great.

I'm thankful --

Kyle, you're still in my will.

What are you thankful for?

Uh, okay, I guess I am thankful for Harper,

who, though she is a 9 year old,

is truly the most rational one in this house.

-I'm also thankful for Harper. -Okay.

'Cause we all know that, right? I'm sorry about that.

I felt like it didn't need to be said.

It's okay, Dad. You obviously.

Uh, Harper number one. Let's change the rankings.

Number one, Harper. Number two, Obamacare.

Number three, Sue.

Sue behind Obamacare?

[ Sighs ] It's fine.

-Okay, no, here's the ranking. -He unconsciously chose...

Harper, Sue, Obamacare. But that's distant.

I love people more than I love...

personifications of -- of concepts.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know if I --

I -- Sue and I haven't had that conversation yet,

but you, I love unquestionably.

No -- Hold a gun to my head.

I'm gonna give you the same answer.

-Michael. -You know?

That's -- Obviously.

-[ Laughs ] I'm not saying -- I'm not

telling you to hold a gun to my side.

I'm saying it's not -- this isn't performative

'cause there's a lot of like -- -You can stop now.

Shut up, please. -I have you as a kid.

I view you as equal. Okay. -Please?

Uh, I'd like to go.

I'm very thankful

for my lovely wife, Gwendolyn.

Thank you. She rocks.

And, uh, I guess I'd like to say

I'm thankful for my kids, Noah and Caper,

who I hope to, um, see again someday.

Harper, you know I'm thankful for you, right?

I feel like I don't even need to say it

'cause I feel like I say it all the time.

Totally. Okay.

It gets braggy. It gets, like, humble braggy,

'cause it's like... Seriously. It's fine.

...you did a good job, those are half your genes,

you raised her really well.

It's okay. Okay. You sure?

I get it. Okay.

I'm thankful I have the best

dad and mom in the world.

-Oh, Corey! -Wow.

And brother. Yep.

And sister-in-law.

And -- And you.

Are you just saying you're thankful for people

as they're coming in to your field of vision?

Are we having banana bread for dessert?

-Yes. -I'm thankful for that.

My list is pretty long this year.

-Jude, you're up. -Oh. [ Clears throat ]

All right. [ Sighs ]

[ Clears throat ]

I'm nervous.

Um, oops.

Need that second part. Uh...

I'm grateful to all -- all of you,

my family [Inhales deeply]

and Stevie. [ Sighs ]

I didn't understand what you said.

Let's just not try to speak Spanish right now.

[ Muffled ] Okay. -Oh.

My turn.

I am thankful for Dad. -I'm not your dad.

Because you have such a spiritual journey ahead of you,

so unevolved.

Like a Pokémon, level 1.

You know I love you, right? I said that enough?

I'm just starting to really worry that I did

permanent damage to you, 'cause sometimes these things

lie latent for a while and they pop up later,

do you know what I'm saying? -Seriously, Dad, just shut up.

'Cause this could be the nexus of, like,

some serious psychological trauma

and this is, like, a story you tell...

-Seriously. -...to, like, ex-boyfriends,

and that that's why they become exes...

-Shut...up. -...because you can't

really connect anymore. -Shut up.

I don't want you talking about this

in therapy 20 years from now. -Seriously, Dad.

Not that I want to predestine you to have to be in therapy.

-Shut up. -There's no problem with it.

-Zip it. -I think we stigmatize

mental illness too much in this country.

I think that's an issue.

I mean, I love you no matter who you are.

You're making everyone uncomfortable.

Okay, sure thing. Ohh.

Well, I'd like to --

Uh, Clark, why don't you go now?

Okay. Um, I'll -- I'll just say...

Seriously? You're gonna go before me?

...that --

Your dad, he made me do it.

I'll be quick.

Um, I'm thankful for Olive

and being able to get here to meet you all.

Okay. That was boring. Dad, you're up.

Well, what should I say?

Uh, I am thankful for my dear wife, Kathy.

-Oh, Don. -Right here. [ Smooches ]

I'm thankful that the Vikings beat the spread.

But what I'd really like to talk about

is what I'm not thankful for.

-I know. Olive. We get it. -Okay. Okay. We get it.

-Enough! Enough! -Enough of this guy!

Excuse me! [ Clears throat ]

Okay, I really need to say this.

I'm thankful for my family.

I know it's en vogue to talk about

how much of a headache family is,

but the truth is,

I couldn't survive without any of you

and I love you all.

And I'm thankful for my dad,

who has kept me afloat these past few years

even though he didn't know it.

Right.

And I'm thankful for forgiveness.

"It is the fragrance that the violet sheds

on the heel that has crushed it."

Wow.

And I'm the violet

in that metaphor, right? -Yeah, you're...

Well, art is open for interpretation.

I'm not the person to ask.

-Yeah. -Okay.

You're not gonna be a doctor,

but you know something?

You could be a writer.

Yeah, maybe.

You got a way with words. That was amazing.

You know, the truth is, that's a Mark Twain quote.

All right, fine, but you memorized a Mark Twain quote.

I haven't even gotten through one of his books.

[ Chuckles ] Honey, you could do anything.

So does that mean you forgive me?

No, not yet.

But I do love you, and I always will.

I love you, too.

While we're on the subject of forgiveness, just --

we're -- we're still cool with that thing...

-She's cool. -Hi!

You guys start without me?

-Hey, Sue. -It's Sue.

Sue, uh, I thought you were sleeping upstairs.

I love you all!

Okay what are -- What are we eating there, sweetie?

Oh, it's the garbage cookie. You want some?

It's really good. -Let's maybe -- No.

Put that down on the -- -It's so moist. It's so --

-I don't wanna -- -I missed you.

Oh, God, Sue!

-Oh, what's -- what's wrong? -Aah! God!

Nothing! Nothing! I don't -- -Oh, my God! Look at that!

-Don't touch it! -Oh!

That's infected! You got to go to the hospital!

-Kyle, let go! -That is so bad.

I know it's bad!

[ Indistinct arguing ]

-Ohh! -That's really unsafe!

[ Arguing continues ]

You have to -- You could get sick!

[ Arguing fades ]

[ Music box plays ]

[ Arguing stops ]

**