Original subtitles

You shall be safe here.

Where's Corey's room!

[ Insects buzzing ]

Nope.

It's a Bungoes commercial.

It's Chad's restaurant chain.

Olive: We're getting our fricking beer.

Sorry. I don't drink beer.

Games will help you.

I dropped out of med school two years ago,

and my parents don't know yet.

Beer is fun!

Give us back the beer, you son on the beach.

-Oh, my. -Yeah!

I'm not gonna do it unless you say it.

Would you order me an Uber?

Where the fuck is my ex-husband?!

♪♪

-[ Whimpers ] -[ Grunts ]

♪♪

You don't know her like I know her, Jude.

Come on, Chad. Be a man.

I got him, Mommy. -That's my baby boy.

Okay, I'm actually good.

Come on, Jude. Please don't.

You can't run from your problems, dude.

Yeah, and I'm a big fucking problem.

Oh, wow. This is quite interesting.

When do you want to talk about this?

Because, first of all, how dare you.

Woman: Hey, wake up, honey. You're here.

I drove all 50 yards.

Go one more lap around the block, please.

All right, fine, I'll drive. That's fine.

That's fine. It's money. [ Laughs ] I love money.

I mean, I could also, uh,

take you back to my place if you want to feel safe.

I got shit at my house.

You ever see an old tube television?

You know, the kind that you can't get our of your house

without, like, six big dudes?

Just, uh, one lap would be fine.

I got the best security system money can buy.

They just didn't look like they were quite ready for guests yet.

I mean, it looked like The Red Wedding.

Boyfriend is coming.

[ Ding! ]

Monica, so good to see you.

Did you do something different with your hair?

Hi, Kath. So, hey, I saw your fun commercial.

Seven airings during an NFC game on Thanksgiving.

That must've been expensive, huh?

Yeah, well, we got a pretty big discount, so.

[ Laughs ] Oh, that's funny, because, uh, your lawyer said

that Bungoes has been in the red for five years,

so, uh, what the heck, Chad?

Maybe we should just leave. This is awkward.

Okay, Monica, can we talk about this inside, maybe?

Oh, are you afraid that the news that you're broke

is somehow gonna hurt your so-called "political career"?

Okay, well, Tuniclifs, good to see you guys.

You look...sick.

So, your beer's in our garage. It's all safe.

[ Indistinct talking ] -We knew it!

Don't you dare touch me.

Oh, here we go. Nobody touch Monica.

She hates holidays. -Not you.

And not you. And certainly not you.

-Monica, how'd you get here? -Fuck you.

Did you happen to break through the ground?

Revenge is sweet, Morgan.

Yeah, well, you -- you're just a -- the dumb Dumbiclifs.

[ Sighs ] Why didn't I come up with something better than that?

Where have you two been?

Harper's my girlfriend now.

Aw, that's nice. Say goodbye, though,

because we got to get home before those croquettes burn.

Until the morrow.

Nice to see you, Joy.

And, don't forget, I want to borrow

that Japanese decluttering book.

It'll change your life.

I wish I could declutter my family.

[ Both laugh ]

Okay, boys, huddle up, huddle up.

-Huddle up. -All right, let's go.

Okay, now listen up.

Before we deal with Chad's little Monica situation --

I'm right here, Don.

Okay, one second, Mo.

Look, I know the Tuniclif babies just got handed their bottle,

but you men made me so proud out there with what you just did.

You defended the Morgan honor.

And I will never forget that.

I am so proud of each and every one of you.

Even Michael.

Why do you have to qualify it like that?

You said "each and every one" of us. It was a nice moment.

-Amen. -Dad, come on, really?

I mean, some of us have done things that should make you

a lot more proud than a lawn fight.

-Name one. -Well, I won a Livingston Award.

-What is that? -It's like a junior Pulitzer.

-What is that? -Do you guys know Pulitzer?

Okay, boys -- men -- "champs" on three.

All: One, two three -- champs!

[ Sleepily ] Champs.

Nice yard fight, guys.

You're all so manly I can hardly contain myself.

At least I didn't have to be a Tuniclif this time.

[ Laughs ]

What?

Hi, Gwen.

Monica. What a lovely surprise.

Are you here to get your awful kids?

I'm sure they're still around here somewhere.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I came for my money.

Your husband has been holding out on me.

I knew it. I knew this one was a gold digger.

Gold digger?

I opened Bungoes.

[ Scoffs ] No.

Bungoes is my baby. I think opened it alone.

Give me a break. I sold my controlling interest to Chad

for a stake of the profits,

which, clearly, he has been holding out on.

-Monica... -No.

You didn't invent Bungoes. That's my big bro's company.

Yeah. You're an idiot. Everyone knows that's his idea.

He told us that.

-Oh, is that right, Chad? -Right, Chad?

Gwen?

This actually makes a tremendous amount of sense.

-Can I talk to you upstairs? -Don't fucking touch me.

-Absolutely. -No.

If anybody touches Monica, I will kill them.

No, not my Bungoes.

-Breathe, Corey. Breathe, Corey. -Not my Bungoes!

-Come on. Come on. Suck it up. -Why would he...

Dude, I'm five hours over my shift, all right.

My pot pie's not gonna microwave itself.

I'm really sorry.

Just one more lap around the block, I'm gone.

Promise. -Ugh, I don't mind.

I mean, the surge prices will pay for my corn surgery.

[ Cellphone rings ] -Oh, sorry about that.

I'll be one second.

Hi, it's Alexa.

What naughty animal is this?

Huh?

On a scale of zero to me shitting in your mouth,

how nasty do you want this to get?

Don't say anything. I already know.

Sorry, is this not Uber?

This is the number the app connected me to.

Oh, apologies.

Uh, this -- nope, you have the right number,

but I fucked up.

I thought it was my other work phone.

You want to talk to the guy who is

dumping in his drawers in my back seat.

I will pass the phone to him,

but know that, whatever I said to you, you owe me $20.

It's for you.

[ Sighs ] This is why I don't Uber.

Well, who cares. Where are you?

[ Slurred ] This music is the best music.

There's no music. You're high.

I'm not sure. Traffic has been terrible.

On Thanksgiving?

Hey, Gravy Tits, don't you worry.

He's coming home soon.

How did your dad take the med-school news?

Honey, are you hearing this Chad shit in there?

-I know, I can't. -Oh, honey, our son lied.

Surprisingly well, actually.

What's going on?

Nothing. Just get here soon, okay?

Okay, one more lap around the block.

This time 'cause I just want to know

what the hell's going on with your other job.

♪♪

We're really gonna hash out our financial differences

in your childhood bedroom?

This is Chad's safe space, so.

Oh, sweetie, I know. I used to be you.

[ Chuckles ] That's so special that you think that.

Okay, I think I've had just about enough,

so, um, this is an emergency injunction

demanding a full audit of Bungoes' finances.

Awesome.

-Yeah. -Awesome.

Oh, shit. You just got served.

Okay, Gwen, please.

No, literally, you got served.

Ohh, okay, very -- Gwen, you know what --

can we actually talk in there for a second,

just a little sidebar?

-Sidebar. -Sidebar.

-Seriously? -So. Yes.

Monica, good to see you.

You, too. No, I'll just wait here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I hate it when Monica is right.

I mean, I hate it when she's in our house and she's right.

That literally makes me sick.

I feel like I want to faint.

Don, can this wait?

I got 15 minutes to get dinner on the table.

And stop eating the marshmallows.

Hey, guys, can I talk to you for a second?

[ Mumbling ] Sure, princess. What's up?

There's something I need to get off my chest.

I made a decision that you're --

[ Gasps ] Penny for your thoughts?

Olive, I think you're my best friend.

I know all of your secrets.

Like how you're not...

[ Whispering ] You're not pregnant.

Well, thank goodness.

[ Muffled ] Uh, were we worried about that?

Sue, that's lovely,

but maybe you need to sit down for a minute.

Sue: Okay.

[ Silverware crashing ] -My good silver!

Where the hell is Michael?

Jude: It's actually pretty entertaining

watching Monica chew out Chad.

We thought Olive was the one who was gonna get

a new butthole torn today. -Oh, there's time yet.

It's a shame there's no real doctor here, though,

to fix the damage.

[ Cackles ] -At least not a real one.

[ Laughter ] -That's a good joke.

That's a good joke. -Yeah, I feel bad, but..

What are those?

Oh, I've taken up tarot.

Wow, that is completely predictable.

It's actually pretty cool. She -- She tells my future.

-Yeah? -What is it?

I can't remember.

I don't know.

Nothing? Okay.

-Can you do me? -Can I?

Olive: Okay. [ Chuckles ]

That's funny. -Oh, hey.

Michael, don't you want to spend some time with your girlfriend?

-Girlfriend! -Fuck.

Why don't you have a drink in your hand?

-Oh, ow, ow. -Hi, Sue.

-Hi. -Not much of a drinker, are we?

I -- I am now.

Gwen, what in the flying cannoli are you doing out there?

You're supposed to have my back.

I do have your back.

[ Whispering ] Are you my wife? Are you my wife?

Of course I'm your freaking wife.

You're supposed to have my back.

You're being utterly glib in there.

-Glib? -Yes.

I have been bankrolling your dreams since we met.

News flash, Gwen -- my dreams are all I have.

You have two completely average children and an amazing wife!

I know.

I know. I'm so sorry.

I'm such a loser. [ Crying ]

Oh, man.

It's okay.

No, it's not okay, Gwen. It's not okay.

Okay, I'm just --

You don't understand.

I'm gonna lose this election.

My family thinks I'm a frickin' joke.

My acid reflux is off the Goddamn meat wagon.

You have to take the medication every day, Chad.

-I lost my ring, Gwen. -When did you lose your --

[ Muffled ] I lost the symbol of our love!

[ Muffled ] We'll get you a new one!

We'll get you a new one!

You're not gonna get a new one!

We'll go tomorrow!

I'm so sorry.

Don't cry.

I know everything's gonna be all right.

Name one friend I have.

Name one friend I have.

Me.

I'm your best -- I'm your best friend.

Hey. I'm your best friend.

Thank you so much.

I love you so much.

I love you so much.

Me and you.

Me and you.

Okay, all right, let's clean it up.

Let's go. -Okay. Let's clean up.

Let's get in there and kick Monica's ass.

Whoo!

Corey: What does that mean?

This means that in... four moons, you will...

complete the existence amalgamations of...inhales.

Yeah. -What?

Just remember you were loved.

Am I -- Am I gonna die?

She's just fucking with you, dude.

She's not actually saying you're gonna die.

Yeah, I'm not saying it. The cards are.

I can't die. I'm just a little boy.

I haven't done anything with my life. I cannot die.

I c-- I can't even beat this stupid game.

This is a kid's game, and I --

I can't die. I can't die.

Let's pump the brakes here. This is all bullshit.

Flip another -- flip another card for Corey.

Yeah, let's see it.

Let's get one more card for Corey.

-[ Inhales sharply ] -Revenge.

[ Sighs ] It's okay.

They'll still love you.

You're not screwed.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Oh, God, I'm so screwed.

You're just gonna sit there and not help?

Honey, you're doing such a good job,

I'd just screw it up if I tried to help out.

Hi, sweetie.

Hey, what was it that you were trying to tell us before?

Mom, Dad, I --

[ Doorbell rings ] -Fuck!

There are kids in the house!

I think. -Sorry. It probably is Clark.

Uh, hold on a second there, young lady.

I will get this.

If this man is dating my daughter,

he's got to meet me first.

Yeah?

[ In distance ] No!

-Dad? -No! [ Sobbing ]

Oh, shit.

-Just let me know. -Dad!

[ Crying] No!

[ Speaks gibberish ]

No! God, no!

Family, come quick.

Look.

[ Speaking gibberish ]

Dad, relax. You're speaking in tongues.

"All Morgans are poopchutes bitch." What!

There should be a comma after "poopchutes."

Shut up, Michael.

Well, it just sounds like that's one run-on...

I see that the Tuniclifs got their revenge.

-Revenge? -Revenge.

I'm gonna die.

[ Strained, breaking voice ] Look what they did to my sign.

It's okay. With a little tape and paint we can --

Oh! -Ohh.

Oh, God.

[ Screams ]

I'm sorry.

[ Crying ] The Tuniclifs get three straight years

of bragging rights and I didn't even get three hours.

I think we should take her upstairs.

Yeah, I think it's bedtime for Sue.

Stevie: I don't know, I kind of like that version of her.

-How about no, Stevie. -It's like, "Girl, ya drinking."

[ Crying ]

We're gonna clean this up, okay, Daddy?

I'm covered. I'm covered.

If this is the last time we talk,

I need you to know that I love you.

[ Crying ] Okay, yeah.

♪♪

I'm bored. There's nothing to do down here.

Let's look over here.

I just want to say that, um,

I don't think there's any need for an audit

because, um, the numbers that you have are indeed accurate.

Well, then where the hell

did you get the money for those ads, Chad?

I paid for them.

You paid for them?

Well, let's call it an investment.

My very sweet, if needy, husband's business

needed a boost, so I helped him out.

[ Laughs ] Wow.

I am surprised, but not that surprised,

because I know Chad has a tendency to marry up.

Monica, that's...really sweet. Thank you.

Yeah, so sweet, Monica. You're such a sweet woman.

Monica, can I talk to you for a minute, just, sidebar?

Oh, a sidebar? Yeah, no problem.

Sure, a sidebar.

So, question for you.

-Hit me. -When you and Chad were...

-Married? -Yes.

Did he... talk in his sleep?

Oh, my God. All the time, and he would say

the weirdest things. -The weirdest things.

Mostly direct quotes from that book

"How To Make Friends and Influence People".

Yes. "A person's name is the sweetest and most...

BOTH: ...important sound in any language."

Shut up!

-Oh, it drives me insane. -Or how about this?

How about when he used to call his Jaguar his "Jag."

Oh, now it's his "Bimmer."

Oh, yeah, And I'm sure you bought that, too, his "Bimmer."

[ Monica and Gwen laughing in background ]

Oh, I definitely bought that.

-I love your necklace. -Oh, thank you.

-It's a great statement piece. -Oh, I like yours.

Thank you. Where'd you get it, Bababar?

Oh, I don't do my own shopping.

Oh. No I usually don't, either.

Oh, it's concierge.

Are you French?

I speak a number of romance languages.

Oh, okay. Yeah, I speak Latin.

Chad lost his ring. Lost his ring today --

Thanksgiving, not wearing his wedding ring.

I can't tell you how many times he lost his ring.

He's a dodo brain.

"He's a dodo brain."

[ Monica and Gwen laughing in the background ]

Michael: Okay, here we go.

Thank you.

Sleep tight.

I'm sorry that my sister forced you to drink beer

and do all these drinking games,

even though you made it very clear that you don't drink beer,

so your tolerance would be low.

I gave you a great story for your grandchildren,

by the way, so.

[ Whispers ] I love you.

It's all right. You don't have to say anything.

It's fine. It's not a big deal.

And, you're...not awake, so I get that.

We'll talk more in the morning, okay?

[ Gwen and Monica speaking indistinctly ]

Then he tried to actually write off

his Invisalign as a campaign expense.

-No. Classic Chad. -Oh, yes.

Monica: Oh, how about this one -- once, for my birthday,

for my surprise, he took me to a Karl Rove lecture,

which he bought with my debit card.

Oh, my God. He is the worst.

Monica, Monica, hey. Good to see you.

But maybe you and I could have a sidebar real quick.

Have a sidebar. Sidebar. -No, absolutely no sidebar.

No. That's not happening, Chad.

No, we're not gonna do that, yeah.

Monica, I just want to say, maybe,

you and I could acknowledge that, um,

I'm not ripping you off.

I guess. I mean, generally, I wouldn't

take my ex-husband's new wife's word for it,

but, um, it's pretty clear who wears the pants in this family.

-God, you are just such a love. -You're adorable.

-No, stop it, you are. -You got to call me.

All right, just show me where the kids are

so I can say hi, and I will head out.

You do know where the kids are, don't you?

Okay, here goes nothing.

[ Doorbell ringing ]

Announcer: Fakes a left. Hands off right. Running back.

Blocked left and tries to cut through the middle.

Someone should probably get that.

[ Footsteps ]

-When am I gonna die? -Shhh.

♪♪

Dee, dee-de-de-dee.

Doo-doo-doo.

Oh, look, a movie.

Movie.

Aw, two bouquets of torn flowers.

I must really be a special lady, huh?

One's for your mom.

Oh, okay.

Do I smell vomit?

Yeah, you do.

All right.

Let's go meet my family, huh?

Don: Okay, we can do this. We can get it back.

"Touch" -- T-O...

There we go.

C-H.

To-- Where's the "U"?

"Toch." Toch football.

Christ. This isn't even a real anagram.

They had to add letters and take letters away, those bastards.

There.

"Touch pootball chms."

Hey, guys. Look what I found.

-All: Hi. -It's my boyfriend.

That's Jude, Stevie, Corey, Kyle,

Nana Vera -- she's asleep, so.

Hi, everyone.

Don't get up, I guess.

What's the story with this family?

It's getting more colorful every minute.

-You must be Walter. -Yeah.

Monica: I guess you felt it was more important

to fight the neighbors on the lawn then look after our kids.

Monica, I told you, I was defending the family honor.

So, that's Chad and his wife and his ex-wife.

-Take it easy. -There they are.

They're just shoved in the basement and ignored.

They're not shoved. They love it down here.

They're thriving, they're -- geez, Louise.

Chad!

Okay, team, let's head to the dining room for dinner.

Oh, wow. I got here just in time.

Mom, this is Clark.

Clark, it's such a pleasure.

Now, has Walter said anything offensive to you yet?

Yep.

Monica: You are utterly useless, Chad.

You'll be hearing from my lawyers.

Monica, there were barely any fluids.

Are you still gonna call me about the bar class?

Okay, well, let's eat.

Olive: Yeah.

♪♪

[ Tapping glass ] -Morgans.

Morgans, please, quiet down.

Well, it's been a rather eventful day, hasn't it?

We all tasted victory on the battlefield twice.

And, twice, it was tarnished

by a cruel and vengeful enemy,

an enemy that doesn't understand defeat.

Defeat means you go down.

He's talking about the "champions" sign.

Yes, and our neighbors, our enemies, butchered it.

It shall never be the same.

Dad, you mean the one that's like

a sloppy old piece of cardboard?

-You take that back, Kyle. -Okay. Just checking.

He's just being melodramatic. He knows it's just a sign.

[ Both laugh ] -I was gonna say,

if he's this mad about a yard sign,

I'm amazed he was so cool about the whole med-school thing.

Kathy: What?

What did you just say?

I was saying, I think it's really cool

that you didn't flip your lid when Olive told you

two years ago she dropped out of med school.

Oliiiiiiiiiii-

♪♪

[ Crying ]

-Why is Don being so loud? -Olive's a liar.

You knew about this and you didn't tell me?

No. Well, yeah.

-I knew as well, Dad. -We all knew, Dad.

Oh, dearest God above, looking down on us,

please blow my fucking head off.

-Oh, Don. -I'm --