Original subtitles

Michael: Pretty sure I cracked my rib.

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's tied!

If it isn't the Morgans.

[ Laughs ] Better late than never.

Kyle, do I get to meet your girlfriend tonight?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Jude: Beating the Tuniclifs isn't the same

as a cold beer in my hand, is it?

Olive: We're getting our fricking beer.

-Okay. -Aah!

God bless America.

I dropped out of med school, and my parents' don't know yet.

Olive. Wrong house.

Announcer: And with four minutes to go in the third quarter,

there's a time-out on the field

as the refs review a challenge from Detroit.

This challenge review is brought to you

by NBC's new comedy series, "C.E.Bro."

He went from frat house to the board room.

Thursdays at 8:00 on NBC.

Now, "C.E.Bro" is just one part of NBC's

exciting new Thursday night comedy lineup.

Because all of last season's comedies were not renewed.

Yeah, that's correct, Dan.

At 8:30, we have "No You Didn't" starring Debra Messing.

Love her. Love her. Mm-hmm.

National treasure. Mm.

And at 9:00 p.m.,

watch out on your starboard side.

It's "Admiral Dog."

He's a high-ranking military official --

get this -- who is also a Pomeranian.

Yeah, you could say he's four-star adorable.

He also solves murders.

I believe that's what happens. -Yes, he does.

Yes, we're all very excited for --

Oh, wait, wait.

We have a verdict on the challenge.

The ruling on the field stands. -Wow.

The receiver was out of bounds.

Ah, we're also hearing

Johnson's head injury minutes ago -- drumroll, please --

[ Imitating drumroll ]

Not a concussion!

Wow. Get back in there, Johnson.

Good for Johnson. Go to work, my friend.

Got a lot of kids you got to feed.

Mm-hmm.

[ Ding! ]

**

Aparna: I can't believe you lost your virginity

in a PT Cruiser.

Yeah, well -- Yeah, well, I did.

And then nine months later, Harper was born.

Okay. Oh!

This is a verbal game. We don't have to --

My turn, my turn. Go. Go.

I am lactose intolerant.

Drink it! Ah.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Oh, I can't believe that. Drink.

Whoo! My God, that's crazy.

I don't really think that warrants a drink, but --

No, I think it's -- I can't believe I told you that.

[ Doorbell rings ] I mean, he was out.

Crap. Who's that?

Look, he was --

You're not expecting anybody, are you?

No, not a soul.

[ Clicks tongue ] Damn it.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Okay.

[ Laughs ]

Hello, losers.

[ Chuckles ]

Hi, Joy.

You guys back for another smackdown?

No, dickwood. We're here for our beer.

-Mm. -Dickwood? Really, Tony?

I know he is, but what am I?

And for the record,

you cheated and still didn't win.

It was a tie.

Ha ha! Scoreboard. Scoreboard!

What -- No. No! Scoreboard! Scoreboard!

T-That makes no -- That makes no sense.

Oh, no, no. Scoreboard!

[ Both mutter angrily ]

Well, hi, Tuniclifs.

I just finished cooking. You want to come in?

Not necessary, Kath. We just came for our beer.

Could you please ask your thieving offspring

to put it back in our garage?

Excuse me.

We did not steal your beer. Yeah.

Why would we steal your beer when we have our own beer?

Check and mate.

**

[ Sighs ]

So sorry to bother you on Thanksgiving.

Oh, it's funny. I-I forgot it was Thanksgiving.

How did you forget it was Thanksgiving?

All my friends are dead.

But you're so young.

Young, but I guess not lucky, right?

Where you coming in from?

New York.

The city?

Yeah, New York City.

I never been.

It's...nice. You should go sometime.

Okay.

How'd you get here?

[ Sighs ] It's a really long story.

Uh, a train to a bus to a --

Train to a bus? Wow.

That can't be the best way to do it, right?

What address are you looking for, fella?

It's, uh...

Oh, crap.

I think it was 949 Liberty.

Well, you're on Liberty Way,

but, you know, there's Liberty Lane, Liberty Road,

Liberty Coast, Liberty Boulevard.

Man, I don't, I don't -- Liberty Street.

I don't know which one it is.

It looks like your PalmPilot died.

Want to use my phone?

Really? Oh, that'd be great.

Thank you. Come on in.

Bring your flowers.

Thanks.

Mid-westerners are so nice.

Not really, no.

-Mmm. -Mmm!

Right? Beer is fun!

-Ha ha. -Whoo!

-Fun. Yes. -Yes.

Yes. -Fun. Lot of fun.

Hey, let's take a little break, maybe it's halftime.

Oh, come on!

Intermission from the game. [ Blows raspberry ]

Boo! It's your turn!

Okay. Yeah. Come on. Come on. Go.

Go. Give us something juicy. Let's -- Oh, juicy.

-Yeah. -Juicy!

Uh, I don't find Charlize Theron attractive except in "Monster."

So you find Aileen Wuornos attractive.

No, I don't --

Who's a serial killer.

I don't think I love Aileen Wuornos.

I think I -- -No, you love Aileen Wuornos.

I like people trying to look

like Aileen Wuornos. That's a confession.

[ Sighs ]

I miss the soothing sounds of skulls cracking.

What's taking Dad so long?

He's probably getting duped into buying another belly buster

from one of those door-to-door salesmen.

[ Laughs ] On Thanksgiving?

Don: Nobody comes to my house

and accuses my son of stealing!

Tony: He admitted to stealing!

Well, that's -- that's stupid.

He wrote a note!

[ Indistinct yelling ]

I can't believe you.

It's right here.

[ Sighs ]

Yeah, come on. Show me what you got.

Right here, Donald. Right there. Huh?

-Shove it up your ass. -This is proof.

-Hey, what's up? -I don't -- [ Chuckles ]

This guy's saying Michael

stole their beer. Jude: Huh?

-What? -What?

Yeah.

-What the fuck? -Unbelievable.

He left a note.

There it is. There it is.

Oh, don't give me that. Proof.

Oh, come on.

They say he left a note

apologizing for stealing their beer.

Right here. A note?

He's not that stupid. It's right there.

Let's see what... What?

...this note even says.

-[ Chuckles ] -"Sorry for taking your beer.

Will replace tomorrow. Apologetically, Michael."

Well, there's a lot of Michaels it could be.

-Exactly. -It could have been the mailman.

-That's a very common name. -It could have been --

-I know so many Michaels. -Turn it over.

Charlie: Flip the note over.

"Morgan from down the street."

-Ooh! Burn! -There you go!

Oh, Michael.

Honey, honey, don't worry. Relax.

I mean, obviously, this note is a forgery.

I mean, even Michael wouldn't leave

a confession at his own crime scene.

-Yeah. -Yeah. [ Laughs ]

There he is. There's the culprit.

**

Hey. What's going on, everybody?

Michael, did you steal beer from the Tuniclifs?

Shame on you!

I mean, how did you even lift it?

You're still injured.

[ Laughing ] I'm not injured.

I'm strong like bull. Look.

This is a cool resting spot for a hand,

like a chill-out hand to -- That's --

Okay, yes, I stole the Tuniclifs' beer,

but, come on, everyone did it.

We were all doing it together.

Ooh! Guilty! You're guilty!

-Hey! -No!

Wow!

Michael!

-You all did it? -No!

Give us back the beer, you son on the beach!

Yeah, we want our beer reparations.

-Yeah! -What are reparations?

Oh.

Uh, h-hey, Harper. Uh...

Who's gonna field this one? Nice choice of words, stupid.

-I'll give it a go. -Whoa!

[ All shouting "No!" ]

Look, this can all be over

if you just give us back the beer.

Tony, will you just relax, for God's sakes?

The whole neighborhood is watching.

You're out of control.

Oh, now I'm out of control?

I'm the jerk? I'm the bad guy?

I'm selfish?

Tony, Tony, Tony. Don't, Joy. Joy, Joy

Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy!

See? I can do it, too! Tony. Tony.

Joy! Joy! Joy! Tony. Tony.

Oh, my God.

This guy can't even win an argument.

[ Laughter ]

All right, well, good luck with this.

Uh, Sue, more pennies for your thoughts?

Yes. [ Laughter ]

That's your genetics at work, dawg.

You know something? You suck.

What did you say to my dad, fucker?

You heard me. Huh? What'd you say to my dad?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, big guy.

You want to dance?

-Yeah. Yeah, let's boogie. -Oh!

Whoa! Okay. -[ Chuckling ] Oh.

I'm gonna break those little chicken legs of yours.

Oh, yeah, I'd like to see you try.

-Oh, yeah? -Oh. Yeah.

I'm a sample size, bitch. -Oh, wow.

Well, I'm the Colonel. I'm the Colonel.

I'll pop you like a zit. Watch yourself!

Oooooooooow!

[ Jude screaming ]

That's a cute purse.

Mm.

**

Man, what is wrong?

Uh, this is kind of embarrassing,

but I don't actually have Olive's number memorized.

Come to think of it, I don't have any phone number memorized.

That's the digital world we live in, huh?

Lucky for you, I have a good, old-fashioned analog backup.

Now, what's your gal's last name?

Morgan. Morgan.

All right.

Father's first initial?

T.

T. Wait.

Maybe J?

Maybe J.

It might be a-a G, uh --

You don't know, do you?

[ Sighs ]

Ooh, doggie.

Good thing I put the kettle on.

You have a big day ahead of you.

**

[ Sighs ]

Come get some.

Go.

Get out of here.

[ Indistinct shouting ] I don't want to fight.

But I don't want to miss any of this.

Grow up, boys, please.

Yeah, grow up.

I'm not running a nursery.

Here you go. This ought to change the game plan.

Thank you. Like mana from heaven.

I don't like to be touched. Stop it.

I don't like to be touched. Stop it.

I don't like to be touched. Stop it. You stop it.

I don't like -- I said I don't like to be touched.

Here you go. Road pop?

Oh, yeah, thank you.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

-I'm gonna slap your face, too. -What?

No, Don, you got to throw a haymaker.

No, Dad, I got this. Relax.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Like this.

Oh, my God!

-Oh! -Whoa.

-Oh, shit. -Walt!

You idiot! -He got me in the face!

Don: 130 pounds. I'm a sample size.

Tony: You're 130 pounds soaking wet, brother.

Hi. [ Jude screams ]

-Hi. -Not his face!

[ Jude screams ]

We have a soccer net in the backyard.

Want to go?

Yeah.

**

[ Indistinct shouting in distance ]

Where is everyone?

Don't know.

Now, which one of you girls is Kyle's girlfriend?

That one.

Hello, darling.

You're very lucky.

Kyle's always been my favorite son.

You mean grandson.

You really shouldn't have any favorites, then.

No, that's fine. Judge away.

When is "Dancing with the Stars" on?

Oh, it's Thanksgiving,

so no "Dancing with the Stars" today.

Who's your favorite star?

I actually don't follow that show.

I don't own a TV.

Is it, uh, Trump's ol' gal Marla Maples

or "The O.C.'s" Mischa Barton,

Antonio Brown -- what a hunk, by the way --

Wanya Morris, Paige VanZant,

Geraldo, Ginger Zee, oh, Nyle DiMarco?

Well, Vera, do you remember

all of the contestants on "Dancing with the Stars"?

How's that possible?

You can't even remember

what clothes you're wearing right now.

Wait. Vera.

Are you faking your memory loss?

Oh, my God.

What?

When is "Dancing with the Stars" on?

What? [ Laughs ]

This is awesome.

What is happening?

**

Yes!

Good shot. Thanks.

What book you reading?

Oh, "Romeo and Juliet."

Um, I like the movie with Leonardo DiCaprio,

so my mom got me the play.

That's cool.

I went to the pizza party for good readers this year.

That's cool.

Will you be my girlfriend?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Why?

We're two households, both alike in dignity,

but ancient grudge breaks new mutiny.

Cool, cool, cool.

Cool!

Cool.

Yeah.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Cool.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Cool. Cool.

Uh, cool.

Uh, see you later.

Wait.

Man: Hello? Hi.

Is this the Morgan residence? Yes, this is.

You don't happen to have an Olive Morgan

in your family, do you? Olive Morgan? What?

Who is this? You know it's Thanksgiving.

Yes, I do know it's Thanksgiving.

Sorry to interrupt your meal. Thanks. Go fuck yourself.

Yes, I will go fuck myself. Thank you.

No luck, huh? Well, hang in there.

Looks like you only have about 75, 80 to go.

75 was probably conservative. Probably 80.

[ Dial tone ]

[ Rotary clicking ]

Come on. Aah!

I know you won't say it, so I will.

That Maggie has nothing better to do

than stick her nose in other people's business,

or, as the kids say, "OPB."

Huh? I think it's sad, frankly,

that she has to run a homeless shelter

to make her feel better about herself.

I know. I know. She acts like she's always

thinking about other people, you know,

and that she never thinks of herself,

but that in itself is kind of selfish,

wouldn't you say? Yeah, for sure.

And she's lording it over everybody like she's --

She's like, "I've got clothes. I've got food.

Hey, people who don't have those things,

you come get them 'cause I've got extra."

And it's like, "What?"

Joy, that's exactly her attitude.

Oh, it just bugs me that she doesn't understand

the love that we have in our family.

Don, not on the annuals!

You beast!

Hey, Tony, you know better than that.

[ Sighs ] I just think that, you know...

You know -- You know what I really think?

I think her family is a little bit cuckoo bird.

Oh, wackadoodle. That goes without saying.

Aah! I got him!

Oh, my little pumpkin.

[ Groans ]

Oh, we need a break.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, there you go.

Whew!

Wow. Corey, yikes.

If you don't learn to wash yourself,

you're gonna lead a loveless life.

And you have so much to offer.

[ Laughs ] I don't know.

I think his pheromones smell enticing.

Right? No.

He's a hunk of burning love there, Joy.

[ Grunts ]

An animal. He's an animal.

[ Growls ] [ Laughs ]

Now you know how the first Thanksgiving went down.

Charlie: Shut up, Chad. Don't you?

Don't you, Tuniclif?!

Aah! Are you --

Yeah, here you go. Yeah, tag in.

Here you go.

Here you go. Mmm.

Oh, please, don't see me.

Please, don't see me. Whoo!

You know what? Actually, fuck this.

Fuck this. Ahh!

You're so dumb, you leave a voicemail

by screaming into a mailbox.

Yeah, you're so dumb, you shoved a phone

up your ass to get a booty call.

[ Grunts ] That sign is ours.

Don: No, it's not. That sign is ours.

We won it fair and square.

We're taking it back, Donald.

Don: Hey, hey, Dad, tag me out.

Here, I'll take him. Thank you, son.

Oh. Ohh.

Jude: Oh, does that feel good? Whoo!

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Let's go.

[ Indistinct shouting continues ]

Okay, you're gonna be safe here.

My precious.

Mwah.

Okay.

**

You're okay.

I haven't had sex in two years, and I am fine with it.

Drink! Drink.

Mm.

Aah.

[ Sighs ]

I got to go pee.

Yeah. Oh, no.

Sweetie.

Phew.

Hi, honey.

Hey, Dad.

Oh.

Taking a break from the yard fight?

Well, Pop-pop is taking care of Tony for me,

so I thought I'd come in... [ Belt beeps ]

...and do a little tummy tucking.

[ Laughs ] Belly busting.

Right. Don't get me wrong,

I-I like fighting like the next guy,

but I just -- I'm more of kind of a general.

I'm more like, uh, Alexander the Great.

You know, I, I kind of pick the battles, send in the troops,

and then kick back and smell the roses.

So, how are you doing, honey?

We haven't really had a chance to have a one on one here.

Med school is going good?

You know, it's hard.

It's, uh -- Everyone is real focused.

And I just feel like everyone there

is way more serious than I am

about, you know, the whole thing.

I feel like I'm stuck in a classroom.

I'm not seeing New York as much as I'd like to.

I just -- I don't know if I want to know

about the brain that much, you know?

Um, I realize I play the part

of kind of a buffoon in this house,

and, uh, maybe I'm even kind of a bit of a dim bulb.

[ Chuckles ]

But I'm your dad, and nothing gets by me.

I know what's going on.

Wh-- You don't have to tell me.

You're proud of yourself.

This is just like

when you were taking flute lessons, remember that?

And -- And -- And you weren't crazy about it at first,

and you stuck with it.

I hated the flute. I quit.

Well, no, your flute teacher got pregnant

and ran off with some biker or something,

and we never heard from her again.

But we were so proud of the time you put into that,

just like we are now.

I mean, my gosh, we are gonna have a doctor in the house.

I never thought we'd have one.

I mean, the closest I thought we were gonna get

was when Jude, uh, volunteered for those medical experiments.

I don't think he's ever recovered.

You know, there is something that I need to tell you.

[ Indistinct shouting continues ]

Uh, honey, I would love

to sit and talk with you a little bit more...

[ Belt beeps ] ...but looks like Tony

has gotten the upper hand on Pop-pop,

so I got to go tag him out.

I am just gonna put this around my med school graduate.

[ Vocalizing heroic tune ]

I can't wait for that day.

Dr. Olive Morgan, M.D.

That looks good on you.

Shit.

[ Sighs ]

[ Telephone rings ]

[ Keypad beeps ] Hello?

And that's why they gave me an aluminum leg.

[ Piano playing ] Olive?

Clark?

Why are you calling the landline?

Oh, my God. I'm so glad it's you.

I-I put the wrong address into Waze,

and now my phone is dead,

and I'm at some nice stranger's house,

and he apparently has a metal leg,

and all of his friends are dead.

Yes, sirree.

Wait, does that mean he killed them?

[ Chuckles ] No, he's, like, the nicest guy I ever met.

Okay. Just be careful.

So where are you right now?

What Liberty is this?

Liberty Way, my good sir.

Liberty Way.

Okay, I don't think that's too far,

but I always get that confused with Liberty Bay.

Okay.

You're gonna have to say it, Clark.

Do I have to?

I'm not gonna do it unless you say it.

Fine.

Olive...

Yes?

...would you order me an Uber?

Yay!

[ Keypad beeps ]

[ Both grunting ]

Tony, you can't put an old man in a headlock.

He started it, Joy!

And I'll end it, too.

Ooh!

I was in Korea.

You're a nerd. Uh, you're a big nerd.

You're a bigger nerd.

Yeah, you know, you just never know

who your real friends are.

I agree.

Ladies...

you need to stop looking for approval

from people whom you don't approve of.

-Yeah. -Mm-hmm.

[ Both grunting ]

-How's that feel?! -That's right.

Find strength in yourself, and you'll be just fine.

Well, isn't that something?

Two mini psychiatrists on our lawn.

You had it coming here, Tuniclifs!

You want to mess around, huh?

You guys want your beer back?

Is this what you want? Are you thirsty?

Here comes your beer!

How do you like that? Here's your beer.

You're so dumb that -- Oh.

-Oh! -Oh!

Oh, come on! Chad!

You apologize to Gavin right now!

[ Tires screech ]

**

Where the fuck is my ex-husband?!

[ Bat thuds ]

So that exercise really helped my GERD,

which is Gastroesophageal Reflux Disorder.

Well, this is my car. Oh.

Thank you so much for everything.

That'll be $50.

I'm joshing with you.

-[ Sighs ] -How about a flower though, man?

Flower -- Yeah. That's...

a little dead, but it's -- it'll work.

Thank you. Safe travels, man.

See you.

**

Woman: Clark, Liberty Way?

Yeah.

That's four blocks from here.

Lazy.

**

**

How did your dad take the med-school news?

Our son lied to us!

Our son's a fraud!

-Surprisingly well, actually. -[ Grunts ]

Can't run from your problems, dude.

Yeah, and I'm a big fucking problem.

On a scale of zero to me shitting in your mouth,

how nasty do you want this to get?

-Oh. -[ Laughs ]

Name one friend I have.

Name one friend I have!

M-Me.

I'm your best -- I'm your best friend.