Original subtitles

Everyone deserves a home-cooked meal on Thanksgiving --

even drunks and hobos.

I'm going to tell my parents

that I dropped out of med school.

♪ My pants are tight on Thanksgiving ♪

She's new, uh, to town, so she doesn't really know anyone.

That sounds like your type.

You're dating Michael.

I mean, he hasn't even tried to kiss me yet.

[ Coughing ]

-Honey, get in. Come on. -Hollywood!

-You're on camera, all right? -I'm trying!

-I need more -- -Aah!

-Ohh! -[ Wheezes ]

-Yes! Done! -I did it!

-Whoo! -You've done it!

-I did it! -[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Okay, well, who else wants to try and die on Olive's watch?

-Oh. -[ Laughs ] Don!

[ Laughter ]Hey, hey, honestly, though,

this is our last epi shot, so if everybody could please

not feed Caper any peanuts and --

-Or dairy. -Or shellfish.

-Or gluten. -Or rice.

Oh, well, these cookies are peanut butter and milk chocolate

and made with flour, so I should probably toss them.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Get rid of them.

-Oh, that...sucks. -Yeah.

Guess I'm gonna do that...

unless you don't want me to. [ Chuckles ] I could stop.

No? Okay. I could -- should throw them out.

That is the smart thing,

even though they smell so goo-- good.

And I did it.

It's done. [ Chuckles ]

I'm Sue. Hi.

-Hey. -Hi, Sue.

You have a lovely home, Mrs. Morgan.

Oh, please, call me "Party." [ Chuckles ]

Don: Okay, family, now, I may, uh, be

the MVP of our landslide victory over the Tuniclifs.

[ Ding! ]

But the MVP of saving Corey's asthmatic ass...

I'm sorry.

-...is Dr. Olive Morgan, M.D. -Yes. Again.

-Let's give it up now. -Right.

-Come on, now! Yeah. -Yeah.

-Doctor! -Yes, for the doctor!

Let me hear it. I mean, who cares

that I had to take a second mortgage out

to pay for med school?[ Laughter ]

It's already paid for itself.[ Laughter ]

-Awesome, Olive. Awesome. -Ouch.

Be safe, my little adore-y Corey,

my dinosaur-y from Ecuador-y.

Who's gonna help me bring food to the homeless shelter?

ALL: Not it.My arms are tired.

Mnh! Not it.

-I'll go. -Thank you.

I need one more volunteer. It's just two minutes away!

Uh, Michael was the slowest.

-Dad, come on. -You were.

Okay, but that's -- You know, we're --

-Slowest? -You were easily the slowest.

We're all adults here. We don't need to...

Mm, you know what? Oh, I'll go.

-I'll go, Mom. Yeah. -There you go.

You know, it'll be a good opportunity for me to maybe

get a picture with one of these homeless guys, you know,

for the campaign and everything.That makes sense.

That works out best for everyone, I think.

Ch-Chad's, uh, running for city council.

-Oh. -Again.

Okay, Gwen, God damn -- I'm gonna win this time.

all right? I can already see the headlines.

They'll say, "Chad C. Morgan --

The homeless in need is the homeless he feed."

Not sure that headlines rhyme.

Anyway, you want to shower first?

'Cause you're pretty sweaty, babe.

[ Stammers ] What -- What -- Who cares, babe?

They're homeless. They stink like crud.

Bok choy and raisins or something.

Chad really just cares about the people of this town, you know?

-It's important. -It's a selfless thing.

[ Telephone rings ]What's that?

Oh, it sounds like an air raid.

It's the landline.

It's either the wrong number, your grandparents,

or your grandparents dialing the wrong number.

ALL: Not it!I'm not it.

-Not it. -Mnh! Not the -- Not --

[ Ringing continues ]

Fine. Okay. I'll get it.

[ Groaning, vocalizing ]

-Thank you. -Hello.

-Who is this? -It's Kyle, Nana.

-It's your grandson. -Oh, Kyle, we were just

gonna call to find out what we should bring.

You don't need to bring anything.

You know how Mom obsesses over every dish.

We have lasagna, so we're bringing lasagna.

They don't want lasagna.

We're bringing lasagna.

Great. Then Mom says bring lasagna.

Okay. We'll bring lasagna.

Now, Kyle, do I get to meet your girlfriend tonight?

I don't have a girlfriend.

Oh, I'm sorry, Kyle.

She'll come around.

Now, um, what should we bring?

[ Exhales slowly ]

♪ The government is stealing our thoughts ♪

♪ The government's inside our brains ♪

♪ The government is a group

♪ Of lizard people

♪ Trying to drive us

♪ A-a-a-a-ll

♪ Insane

[ Scoffs ] We should have took my Bimmer.

[ Scoffs ] We're going to a homeless shelter.

Don't you think that would be a little showy?

No. It would have been aspirational.

It would have given them something to aspire to.

We know what "aspirational" means.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me. Sorry.

And how did you get so smart, Olive?

Was it -- Is it all your higher education, is it?

How much does her school cost, Mom?

-That is a rude question. -Oh, yeah.

Hundreds of thousands of dollars.

-Ohh! -Yeah, I wrote a check.

Oh, wow. I'm so glad you stuck with it, Olive.

Just focus on your third wife.

[ Wheezing ]

-So, has your brother always... -Do you like stuffing?

...had severe respiratory --My mom, uh, makes good stuffing.

-I'm sorry. Sorry. -Ugh. I...

[ Chuckles nervously ] Uh...

-Um... -Uh, but, yeah, I, uh --

-I saw a cat outside. -Oh!

Great, great, great, yeah.

-It's not ours. No, no, no. -No?

-But that's -- -It was really an obese cat.

Yeah. Well, that's -- that -- I mean, you know,

if I had a cat, it wouldn't look like that.

-That's not -- -Really? It would be thin?

Uh, well, not, like, danger-- I wouldn't, like, you know...

Right. No, I'm not assuming that you --

I'm not -- I'm not body-shaming --

You seem like a good pet owner. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I just -- I don't -- You know.

I-I would -- If --

-If it were my cat, I would... -Well, yeah. Anymore,

-because it's like they -- -Remote to this TV now.

Everyone could give it food. They could take it away.

That's what I'm saying. I'm saying it --

-Oh, I'm sorry. -I think it is on the owner

than the cat. I think that's -- I mean, if you really look --

If you kind of deep-read "Garfield"...

-Yeah. -...I feel like it's a story

-about Jon Arbuckle... -Yeah. Cool.

-...enabling Garfield. -Right, of course.

Michael, Michael, did you take the remote?

The Vikings game's already started.

Uh, no. No, no. I-I don't have it, Pops.

O-Okay. Then who took it?

Did you?!

Dad, nobody took the remote.

Well, then where is it? I'm missing the game!

I thought you were all Bears fans.

-Yeah, we are. He just has -- -He has money on it.

I have money on it!

Well, if it isn't the Morgans.

[ Chuckles ] Better late than never.

Sorry we're tardy, Maggie.

Our son Corey had a medical issue.

Oh, Corey. Uh, is he the gay one

or the one who still lives at home?

-The home one. -Well, you know,

he could be gay. And I don't even care

what his sexual identity is. Honestly, I see all people

of legal voting age to -- I don't know --

be equal, you know?

Listen, where do you want us to put the food?

Ah, well, it's only a few containers,

so I'm sure we can find enough room.

Well, here. Here's mine.

O-Okay.

Okay, wow. We got lots.

Is this just -- just plain broccoli?

You mind if I sit here?

Uh, no. Go ahead.

You're not eating?

No. My family -- We just dropped off some food.

We're not, you know...

-Homeless? -Yeah.

Cool. Uh, yeah,

so, uh, you listen to that new Bon Iver album?

No. Is it good?

Uh, it's not bad.

Sort of a, um, low turnout, huh?

That's too bad.

It's too bad there aren't more homeless people?

Oh, oh, um, no.

I just meant, uh, what a shame

to waste all this good-looking grub, you know?

I'm actually, uh, going to chat

with some of my future constituents.

-Okay. Toodle-oos. -So, what wife is he on now --

number three, number four?

Number three.

Yeah, so, you know...

Gosh, I can barely see that tracheotomy scar.

-They did a nice job. -I-I want to know

what you used to get rid of your mustache,

-'cause I'm impressed. -Oh, well, I wax.

-Wax. -Oh.

It's too bad you're gonna be alone for the holidays,

but look -- homeless shelter --[ Cellphone vibrating ]

Ooh. See what that is.

Ah.

Kathy: Hey, you. You're in my crew.

You know what to do. Boop![ Beep ]

Uh, Kath, I know you hid the remote again

so that we would all talk together

and connect like a real family,

which you know how I feel about.

But, honey, uh,

if you call soon and tell me where it is,

no questions asked.

I'll just forget that this little unfortunate incident

ever happened. Yes? Okay.

Well, I'm gonna let her chew on that for a little bit,

but let's face it -- She's probably not gonna buckle,

so here's my suggestion. Let's break into pairs,

and let's search the house by zones.

Ooh. Like that movie "Clue."

Oh, my God. Sue, that's such a great movie.

-Oh. -That's like a really --

-really great reference. -Oh, thank you.

-Did you hear that? -I really appreciate it.

Yeah, it's great. Everyone's doing great.

Dad, listen, we're just talking about a remote here,

so can we take this thing down [clicks tongue] a notch?

Why did I have all you kids?

You just sit around and do nothing.

You want to turn the TV on

so that you can sit around and do nothing.

-Not the same thing. -Kathy's right, Don.

We should be using this time to get to know Sue.

Hey, I don't tell you how to run your household, Monica.

[ Inhales sharply ] Oh, no.

For the last time, Don,

my name is Gwen,

not Monica, not Ashley --

-Gwen! -Don't blame me, okay?

Blame your husband for having two prior wives.

I have very elegant blond hair, Don.

I couldn't have made it any easier for you to tell me apart

from the those dumb, brown-haired Nazis.

I don't -- No, that checks out.

Moving along, uh, Kyle, you and Harper take the basement.

-Work. -Jude, you and Stevie upstairs.

-Nice! -Uh, Michael,

you and, uh...

-Oh, Dad, come on. -Okay. I'm sorry.

-What is it? What is it? -Dad.

-It's Sue. -Sue. Sue. Okay.

Sue, I've already demonstrated I'm not very good with names,

so you shouldn't take any offense at that, okay?

You guys scan the living room here

and also keep an eye on your brother, if you would,

because he has a tendency to relapse.

And now, Gwen... [ Chuckles ]

-you and me will grab the rest. -Oh. That is so great.

What's everyone waiting for? Let's go! Let's fly! Let's go!

Let's look! Ah, come on! Come on!

It's fun. It's kind of a search thing,

all of us together as a family.

Marian: ♪ 9/11 was an inside job

♪ Don't believe what you hear on the news ♪

♪ 9/11 was in inside job

♪ Perpetrated by the --

[ Tires screech ]

All right, can I get everyone's attention, please?

Eyes up here!

As of two minutes ago, at...

2:40 p.m., Central Standard Time,

extended negotiations between your state government

and the Illinois public transit workers union

broke for the holidays without reaching a new deal.

That means we are officially

on strike!

You all want to exit through the front of the bus.

Have a very lovely Thanksgiving.

Guess that means we're gonna have to hoof it.

Come on. This bus isn't going anywhere

if there's a human being inside of it other than me.

I am a shell of a man without my union.

I cannot believe "Bed of Roses" is your favorite movie, too.

Oh, Christian Slater? Ah.

-[ Chuckles ] -So good.

-Oh, my God. So good. -Yeah.

-Oh, man. -[ Sighs ]

How did you see it, anyway?

I mean, not that you wouldn't be able to...

Um, the library.

-Oh. -With a library card,

I can take out any book and movie I feel like.

I also know four languages,

so the library helps with that, too.

-Stop. -So, we got some French.

[Italian accent] Italiano, you know?

[ Normal voice ] We got German. Um,

I don't know why I just said "Italiano" like that.

-[ Chuckles ] -Anyways, and Urdu.

-No. It was charming. -Oh. Thank you.

[ Chuckles ] So, that's what you do.

You just hang out at the library and read?

Okay, I don't just sit at the library.

Um, but, yeah, there's a lot of things you can do for free.

You can go hike in public parks.

You can check out some, like,

really good Impressionist art in the museum.

You can start dancing at some hotel lobby, you know?

There's a lot of things you can do, Olive.

Just, uh -- You don't realize how money is just very optional.

Don't you want a job

or to contribute something

or have a family?

Family is overrated.

I think it's stuck on, uh, video or something.

-I -- How do I get it off video? -For the love of ass,

-what are you doing? -I don't think

-this thing likes me. -Yeah.

Ohh! God damn it.

I know Kathy is behind this.

Every year, the remote mysteriously disappears

so we all have to talk to each other.

-God forbid. -Except for the year

of the Lady Gaga special. Then she was, like, front and center.

Maybe it just fell in one of the couch cushions.

No, that's too obvious. Last year, she hid it

in the lint basket next to the dryer, and she wrapped it

in softener sheets like a fragrant little mummy.

I meant by accident.

What do you think the odds are she stuffed it in the turkey?

-Wouldn't it melt? -Ah, yeah, yeah, good point.

And she would never compromise the integrity

of her precious stuffing! Ugh!

-Gwen, you're a woman. -Accurate.

So, would you think like one for me?

Where would somebody with ovaries

hide a $95 Logitech universal remote

so her husband couldn't see if he beat the spread?

[ Sighs ] That's a tough one, Don.

Is it an AFC or NFC game?

-Gwen, NFC. -I don't know, then.

Damn. I refuse to be outsmarted by my wife

just because she's smarter than me.

All right, the hunt continues.

-Mm, where is that thing, huh? -Mm, oh, I don't know

-where the remote is. -Yeah?

-Yeah. Let's look for it hard. -Mm, you want

-to look for it hard? -Yeah, look for it hard.

Do you think it's in my vagina?

How can we know if we don't check, right?

-Hey. -We might find it here.

You want to try something crazy?

Yeah, I want to try something crazy.

-My friend Scott... -Mm-hmm?

-...at the War Stereo House -- -Mm-hmm?

He told me about this service --Mm-hmm?

-Threesome line. -Okay.

-And you call it. -Threesome line?

Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't that be awesome?

-Oh, my God. Okay. -So it's like we have a third,

you know? Yeah, shh, shh, shh.Mm-hmm. Put it real close to me.

-Listen. Listen. -Hey. It's Alexa.

-Hi. -Hey, Alexis.

Hi. We're two. We're a couple.

-Oh. -Is it Alexa or Alexis?

[ Laughter ]

[ Eerie music playing ]

So, what do you think of your dad's new girlfriend?

I'll worry about liking her

after she sees my dad's "Star Wars" closet.

Yes, that scares them away pretty quick.

I'm like, "How did you ever get my mom pregnant?"

O-M-God.

I said the same thing.

Listen, I don't say this a lot around here, but I love you.

I love you, too, Uncle Kyle.

Please, call me Kyle. I mean, I'm your gay uncle,

so there's no need to, like, gild the lily or anything.

-Mm. -Shh.

We can't hear!

Sorry.

-Kids. -Kids are terrible.

[ Snoring ]

[ Groaning ]

Oh, God.

Whew! It's not there. Okay.

Gonna cross that one off the list.

Seriously, I'm happy to help.

Oh, no, it's fine.

I don't want you to exert yourself.

It's really not much exertion.

Hey, you know, I'm sorry about, uh, all this.

You know, once Dad starts watching the game,

it's gonna be a lot, you know, calmer.

We'll have more time to hang out and everything.

Couldn't you just turn the TV on directly or...

Uh, you would think so, yeah,

but I guess the remote-control lobby is just too powerful.

-Oh. [ Chuckles ] -Uh...

[ Continues snoring ]

[ Chuckles ] Well, it's obviously not there,

so...check that off the list.

I think that's a complete sweep.

[ Chuckles, groans ]

Are you hurt really bad?

-Me? -Yeah.

Oh, uh, I just got brushed a little

with the -- playing the game.

Guy stuff. Don't worry about it. I'll just walk it off.

So, we're here in my parents' bathroom,

-about to bone. -Yeah.

-Oh. -What would you do

-if you were there? -Yeah, what would you do?

Alexa: Oh, I would just take your hand

and make it that little duck bill and make you fist me.

-Okay. -Is -- Is that a car honking?

Are -- Are you driving?

Are you fucking in my lane right now, bro? Come on!

You got to be hands-free, right, like...

Yeah, your -- your speaker -- Bluetooth, right?

Oh, yeah. I'm driving with my knees,

'cause one hand's on your dick, and one's tickling your tongue.

No, no, but, like, in real life, are you driving with --

Oh, I am strapped in, baby. Don't worry.

Okay, 'cause my friend Pele died

when, uh, she wasn't using a hands-free device,

so I just wanted to make sure that you're --

Yeah, it was nasty.

Uh, so, uh, how's -- how's work going?

Uh, fine, I guess.

-Yeah, yeah. -It's kind of boring.

Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be. It's all right.

Oh, I'm not saying -- Like, I know it's not my fault.

I just meant, like, that sucks, but, you know...

-No. It's a job, you know? -Yeah, it's not --

-You're right. It's a job. -Yeah, yeah, it's just --

-It's a job. It's a job. -Yeah.

Uh, you know, uh, speaking of that,

actually, I thought of something funny the other day.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

-You work for Match.com, right? -Yeah.

We...met...

through Match.com.

Yeah.

[ Chuckles ] That's kind of

a funny coincidence, right? [ Chuckles ]

Well, seems more like the opposite of a coincidence.

-Oh, yeah, yeah. -But I see what you mean.

-No, no. You were right. -I get it. No, it was good!

-I was wrong. -It was really funny.

-It was good. -Right, wrong, right, wrong.

-It's such a coincidence. -No, it's not -- it's not a...

-You're right. You're right. -Hey, what's going on here?

Are you two fifth-graders on a little date,

or are we looking for a remote?

Uh, no, I'm, uh, sorry, Dad.

We -- We -- We were looking for -- We did --

We looked for the remote, and then we didn't find it.

-It's not here, so... -Okay, well, then

why don't we go upstairs and help Jude and Stevie look, okay?

They're looking really hard. I can hear them right now.

[ Thumping, Stevie moaning ]

Dad, you know what? Uh, I mean, Sue --

Sue is our guest here,

-okay, in our home. -Oh.

And I don't feel she wants to spend her limited time here

looking for a gosh darn remote.

And not to mention, maybe it's not the worst thing in the world

if we actually have to spend some time with each other

and actually talk as a family for once, you know?

Maybe that's the reason for the season,

and it's a blessing in disguise!

F-Fine.

-Fine. -Fine.

-Fine. -Fine.

-Fine. -Fine.

Fine.

You better make sure it's not in here.

Okay, fine.

-Pretty cool, right? -Yeah.

It's like, "Pshew." Gunslinger. Back in the holster, you know?

[ Groaning ]

There's orange paint everywhere.

-[ Chuckling ] Oh, my God. -[ Chuckling ] Yeah.

-Oh, God. -Yeah.

-I'm glad I met you. -Yeah. I'm glad I met you, too.

So, what are you doing later?

Oh, it's Thanksgiving, so...

Yeah. Can I come over?

Don't you think that's a little forward?

I mean, not if you want me there.

[ Chuckles ][ Cellphone vibrating ]

Ugh. You know, I should really take this.

-Sorry. -Yeah.

Just a minute.

Hey, where are you? Did you get to my house?

Not yet. There was a little, uh...

setback with the bus.

[ Sighs ] Clark, just get an Uber, okay?

They're crazy convenient. Stop taking a stand.

There aren't any in range.

In range? Where the hell are you?

Don't worry about it. I just wanted to let you know

I'll be a little later than expected.

Okay, well, see you soon then.

Hi. How are you? Are you busy?

-You're on your phone, but... -Oh, I -- I'm --

...you're not really doing anything here, right?

Here's what I need you to do --

Tell your brother to stop bribing the in-need.

-What do you mean, bribing? -Your brother is

paying our guests to take photos with him.

-Here. Let me -- -Okay, wait.

-I want to get the food in. -Okay, I can --

-You can do that. -Yeah.

I see Jared is trying to run his game on you.

He really is something else, isn't he?

Running game on me?

-Yeah. -What is -- What is that?

I mean, I can't actually kick him out

'cause technically he is homeless.

But it just drives me up a wall

how he uses this place as a pickup joint.

He just crashes with whatever girl he's having sex with

until they realize he's a freeloader,

-and then they kick him out. -Thank you for that information.

-Yeah, my pleasure. -Look at the picture you --

-Hey, yeah. -[ Laughs ] Not so rough!

-He's bony. You can show him. -Here we go.

Kathy: Look at that. Isn't that nice?

That's nice. You're dad's gonna like that.

Please, this is just not appropriate.

-We do not allow this kind of -- -Maggie, are you out your gourd?

-Maggie, let me see. -I need a photo, okay?

-No, no. Excuse me. No. -That's nice, Maggie.

-I need a photo. -Yeah, so, about me coming over?

So, about you being a pickup artist?

No. Come on. Don't -- Don't listen to Maggie, okay?

She's been bitter ever since she kicked me out of her place.

Ugh, God.

Can you imagine breaking up with 19 different women?

-It's so mean. -Well, I think they make it

easier with the whole rose thing.

That's not easy. It would give me hives.

If I ran that show, if they gave me the keys,

one contestant. That's it.

No broken hearts. One contestant.

Don't even get me started on "Bachelor in Paradise."

I mean, those people are not ready to start dating yet.

Uh, your brother has the, uh --

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

What?!

What's going on? Did you find the remote?!

Ah, well, well, well. [ Chuckles ]

And the remote turns up in Michael's zone.

-Why am I not surprised? -Well, that's not --

Where'd you find it, Corey, up his ass?

-No, it was under -- -Actually, Sue found it.

-What? -Yeah, she did.

Remember that, Corey?

Remember? She said, "Oh, we should look under Corey,"

and it was a great idea. We didn't think about that,

and then she mentioned it, and then we looked under there,

and that's where it was. Remember?

Man: Detroit lining up triple wide.

Yeah, sure. Why not?

[ Sue chuckles ]

Well, welcome to the family, Karen.

Wow. Not even close.

[ Telephone ringing ]

All right.

Hello.

Just bring a lasagna, Nan.[ Beep ]

Hey, I didn't properly introduce myself. I'm Sue.

You must be the incredible, smart, and talented Harper.

I don't know about all that, but very nice to meet you.

Well, your daddy talks about you nonstop.

-He's a really nice person. -[ Sniffing ]

I think so, too.

[ Man speaking indistinctly on TV ]

-[ Sniffs ] -Shh.

-[ Sniffs ] -Shh.

-[ Sniffs ] -Shh.

Well, thank you so much for helping me out.

I'm really happy you two came along.

Sure.

Yeah. Don't mention it.

Hi, uh, this is Clark.

I'm not here right now, so leave a message.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

♪ When you're turned down for a loan ♪

♪ That's the Illuminati

♪ When you're hit by a drone, that's the Illuminati ♪

♪ When there's voices in your head, that's the Illuminati ♪

♪ When your DVR deletes "The Walking Dead" ♪

Come on, Clark.

[ Clark sighs ]

[ Groaning ] ♪ That's the Illuminati

That's it!

[ Ukulele plucking ]♪ When you...

♪ Your disability check is late, that's the Illuminati ♪

♪ When you're turned down on JDate, that's the Illuminati ♪

♪ It's the Illu, Illu, Illu ♪

♪ It's the lumi, lumi, lumi ♪

I have terrible news. There is no beer.

-Ugh. -No.

How is this possible?

-Family beer run! -Oh.

[ All groan ]

It's a Prohibition-themed gay bar.

Aaron: We are completely dry.

I can't do this holiday without beer.

Dude!I can't do this holiday...

-Okay, I -- -Stop.

Ugh![ Tires screech ]

Olive Morgan?

Thirsty!

Olive: We're getting our freakin' beer.

[ Bottles clinking ]