Original subtitles

Olive: I dropped out of med school two years ago,

and I haven't told my parents yet.

That's not so bad.

They've been sending me

tuition checks the whole time.

Okay. That's bad. Yeah.

Complete and utter horse shoot!

Hey, why do you keep saying "horse shoot"?

Because I'm setting a good example for my grandson!

Ma'am, do you mind?!

Sorry.

-When will you be here? -In about 30.

[ Sniffs ]

Tony: Get it, get it, get it!

[ Sobbing ] My rib!

My dad-o has a new girlfriend-o.

Oh.

This drive is your last chance

to make me proud.

I did it.

[ Chanting "Morgans!" ]

Happy Thanksgiving!

[ Laughing ]

Okay, well, I think it's official.

I'm MVP.

Dad, you spent more time yelling than playing.

You definitely couldn't have won without me, so...

Yeah, okay. Fine.

Whatever helps you sleep at night, Jude.

It does. I scored the winning touchdown.

I should be MVP.

Corey, please. You just walked into the end zone.

The Tuniclifs were just too stupid to realize

you were holding the ball.

Yeah, this is Corey running.

[ Groaning in slow motion]

[ Laughter ]

[ Groaning ] Oh, look a burger!

[ Laughter ]That's funny 'cause it's true.

That is pretty good.

Well, it was my plan,

so I actually think that I am the MVP.

I sabotaged their team from the inside.

Yeah, okay. You know, all of us played

an important part in the victory,

including myself, so I'm gonna take a shower.

My asthma's killing me.

Oh, geez, Corey, toughen up, would you?

Just take a couple of laps around the block

and work it out.

-[ Exhales deeply ] -Can I tell you something?

Asthma is up here, okay?

It's not in the lungs, okay?

It's in your brain.

Oh, baby.

You're where you belong.

You look so good there.

I love you.

[ Ding ]

♪ Giving thanks because it's Thanksgiving ♪

♪ Wearing Spanx because it's Thanksgiving ♪

♪ Drinking wine, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ Feeling fine because it's Thanksgiving ♪

Ooh! [ Groans ]

♪ My pants are tight on Thanksgiving ♪

Whoo! [ Laughing ] Ooh, that's better!

♪ The family is home, so there's no need to roam ♪

♪ I like my cappuccino with a little foam ♪

Mmm!

Mm! Mm-mmm!

♪ Mm-mm-mm

[ Groans ]

♪ Mm-mm-mm, mm, mm-mm!

Foam. Oh, Lord. I got myself in a hole with this one.

Rome, k-nome -- Jerome!

♪ My cousin's name is Jerome

♪ He's not here 'cause he lives in Dearborn ♪

♪ On Thanksgivi-i-i-i-ing

-Hey, coming in! -Oh! Hello, my lovelies.

Hey! Ooh!

Hi, Gammy.

Oh! "Gammy" sounds too old!

Let's start a new rule and call me "Party."

-Party! -Yeah!

Did you have a fun date with Aunt Stevie?

-Yeah. -It was weird.

They stabbed us with needles.

Or you can see it as acupuncture actually

helps with, you know, with you life.

It helps you set the goals for the day.

Does Gwen know about this?

Does Gwen know about what?

Gwen, we want to watch TV in the basement.

Okay, but first, let's get you little

germ magnets your special potion.

Oh, my God.

-Whoa. -Now, what do we say?

Ingrates.

Uh, our relationship has come so far.

I just love my husband's ex-wife's kids. [ Chuckles ]

You know, you really shouldn't use that anti-bacterial crap.

You're actually wrecking their immune system.

Mm, no. I keep them on a low dosage

of antibiotics at all times.

Do you put deodorant on them, too?

Absolutely.

Oh. They're kids.[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, so...

Hmm?

You should drag them in mud every now and then,

just to give them a little boost in their immune system.

You're talking crazy.

What's crazy is that Caper can't even

see a peanut without going into shock.

She does have a point their, Gwen.

You know, and don't even get me started

with with the vaccines.

And you lost me.

Sorry.

If you're like me, you like to drink a nice,

thick glass of eggnog.

[ Record needle scratches ] Oh, no.

[ Buzzer sounds ] Look what happened.

Man: [ Laughs ] What an idiot.

Introducing the Sharf-nog 3000.

[ Echoing whispers ] Sharf-nog 3000.

♪♪

Perfect. My name's Garret Sharfman.

I'm the inventor of the Sharf-nog 3000.

Woman: Order yours today.

Shit, shit, shit!

Oh, shit, shit, shit!

[ Cellphone vibrating ]

Hey, honey.

Hey, where are you?

Bensenville, I think.

I lost my wallet,

and the cab driver kicked me out.

Babe, I told you, just take an Uber.

I can't take an Uber. My cousin works for Lyft.

It's called loyalty.

Chad: Do it!

-My asthma! My asthma! -Where are you?

A sports bar or a flash mob?

[ Grunting ] Home.

-Hokey-pokey-pokey! -Get off!

Come on, motherfucker!

I had lunch with Billy -- -Hey, stop doughbo--

[ Screams ]

Stop doughboying your brother and clean this mess up!

Nana and Pop Pop are on their way over,

and you know how Nana feels about clutter!

Come on!

-Mom. -Just a sec, Mom!

All right, just three more minutes,

and that's it! [ Chuckles ]

-Thank you so much. -Thanks you!

-No! -You look unbelievable.

We love you!

I'm gonna keep

poking your face!

Oh, man!

Wait, I can take the bus.

Olive: Clark, that's ridiculous.

Just let me call you a Lyft or something.

Just tell me where you are.

Not till you do it, bitch!

No! I'll get there myself.

I want to prove to your parents

that I'm capable of taking care of myself and you.

They should know that you're dating

a solid, independent man --

smart, handsome, independent, a-again,

but also faithful.

[ All screaming ]

I've seen "The Revenant!"

[ Screaming continues ]

Hello?

Sorry, I didn't hear a word of that.

Uh, just get here when you can.

You want to come at me? You want to come at me?

Hey, Harper, why is there a hole in the ceiling?

Harper: Gramps thought that he heard a squirrel,

so he tore it apart.

And was there a squirrel?

No.

-Say it. Say it! -I'm gonna keep poking you.

I'm gonna keep poking you! -Say it!

I'm gonna keep poking you if you don't say it!

Do you want to get out of here?

This is kind of looking ugly.

Yeah. Okay.

He said do it, Popinfresh.

This would all be over if you just did it, buddy.

I can't breath!

Come on! You got enough breath to say you can't breath!

[ Panting ] Fine!

-Fine? -Fine!

Oh, oh, okay, okay.

[ Panting ] Nothing says lovin'

like somethin'

from the oven.

Hoo-hoo!

[ Both laughing ]

-Yeah! -Yeah, he did it!

Good job, little brother. -Yeah!

-Love you, buddy. -Ahh, man.

-That was so funny. -Oh, you're good, dude.

That was funny.

Oh, man! -Holy crap!

-You're next, old man! -Aah!

♪♪

Michael: Hey, uh, Sue, this is Harper.

Harper, Sue.

You know, Harp, uh...

I know it's a little scary meeting new people,

but, um, the amazing thing about the human heart --

Hey, it's Kyle. I got to pee.

Oh, hey, bro.

W-What are you up to?

Peeing.

Cool, cool.

[ Thud ]

Ugh, gosh darn it.

Everything okay in there?

Not really, no.

I-I'm sort of freaking out about a million things right now.

Such as?

Such as, um...

Harper not liking Sue.

Such as Sue realizing she's too good for me,

like they always do.

Such as I'm pretty sure I cracked my rib.

Okay, what's the story on this girl, anyway.

Oh, man. You know, we've only been on a couple of dates,

but she's pretty much perfect.

I mean, she's knew to town, so she doesn't really know anyone.

Sounds like your type.

Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

Hey, Kyle.

Yeah?

Uh...

I'm having some difficulty

washing the left side of my body right now.

And so you want me to?

Yes, that's what I'm -- Yeah.

All right. Okay.

We are Rod and Ladi Noodler, and we are selling today,

this pink Himalayan sea salt lamp

that is perfect for licking with your tongue.

Give it a lick.

This is a magic lamp. I know what you're thinking.

"Magic lamp? I rub this thing three times,

a genie comes out, give me three wishes."

That's not the kind of magic lamp we're talking about.

Not yet, anyway. That's fools magic.

[ Both chuckle ]

That'd be really great if it were.

That'd be really great.

I know what I'd wish for. Me too.

[ Click ] At this point, they have an option

of kicking for 1 -- an extra point --

or going for 2 points.

So, they'll go from 6 to 8, as opposed to 6 to 7.

Exactly. Yes.

That's how math works. Mm-hmm.

Now, I get many letters every week saying,

"Montel, when does the game end?"

Great question. There's a clock.

The seconds are accurate in terms of real-life seconds.

So one second on the field is the same as you or I

would experience a second in this current reality.

[ Click ] Come on down to Bananaman's Fruit Booth.

We got apples grown by me.

We got mini pumpkins.

Not to mention, pineapples, pomegranates, and lemons,

Oh, my!

We're going loco for local. Mmm!

[ Click ] Folks, I had lupus or I thought I had lupus

for seven years, and turns out,

all I needed was this lamp, and I'm telling you,

that's a lot of unnecessary chemo.

[ Click ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Both chuckle ]

♪♪

Okay, me lady.

You shall be safe here.

You shall never have to see

those horrible people ever again.

Hi, Mr. Morgan.

Go away, I'm not interested.

Oh, no. I'm not selling anything.

Um...hi, I'm Sue.

I'm Michael's...friend.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to be rude.

I'm under strict orders from the old lady

not to buy anything from salespeople.

Apparently, I'm an easy target.

Oh, okay.

I'm Michael's dad.

Hi. [ Laughs ]

So, what do you think?

To the victor goes the spoils.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah, y-your lawn is very beautiful.

Mm, I'm talking about the sign, Sue.

That's impressive.

I assume word of our victory has reached you by now, yes?

N-- Y-- Yes.

Okay.

You want me to say yes.

Ah, so, you're dating Michael, huh?

We're not officially dating yet.

I mean, it's -- it's...uh, just kind of happened,

and I'm here for some reason. [ Chuckles ]

"Live your life, Sue." That's what I say every day.

But, uh, he hasn't even tried to kiss me yet, so...

Ugh, okay, too much information, honey.

I'm sorry.

I tend to talk a lot when I'm nervous.

Uh-huh.

Well, you sound perfect for Michael.

I-I mean, I think you're gonna be perfect for Michael.

♪♪

[ Coughs ]

I brought you some flak seed in case you run out.

Oh, thank goodness.

I almost forgot the traditional Thanksgiving flak seed.

It's healthy.[ Water runs ]

You know, I'll ge-- Oh, shnuckledoodles.

Kathy. Put me to work.

I'll do anything to avoid Chad's kids.

I even played football for God's sake.

You're the one who married a man with children.

Child with children, actually.

I do love them, but I think we all know

that they are tiny little shitheads.

Last week, Noah performed a song for me,

composed entirely of his own butt farts.

Oh, God.

Oh, come on. They're cute, too.

Harper, do you want to hang out with my step-kids?

No.

See?

He-- You know, don't bother cleaning up.

It's something I truly enjoy doing, and besides,

you're not even doing it correctly.

That's not clean.

It's clean.

[ Scoffs ][ Shouting in distance ]

Someone needs to tell those boys to calm down.

Why don't you do that?

Corey! Tell your brothers to knock it off!

Corey, stop it right this minute!

-Boy, I'm about to lose my mind! -You want to test me?

For Heaven's sake!

Corey, sto--

-[ Wheezing ] -Corey! Oh, my God! Corey!

[ Wheezing continues ]

Oh, shit.

Get his inhaler!

Absolutely. Where is that?

How should I know?! I'm not the inhaler fairy!

I'll check his room.

He lives in the basement!

He doesn't need a vial full of that Illuminati poison.

This is 100% mental.

Corey, Corey, look at me.

Okay, now we're gonna visualize.

You are a boat in the ocean.

Uh-oh! What is that noise?

Oh, it's a seagull.

And that seagull's name is you.

I'm sorry. I thought that, uh, Corey was a boat.

Hey, babe. Can we --

He's the seagull.

Breathe, mighty seagull, breathe.

Oh, come on, Moondance!

Breathing's the one thing he can't do!

Corey, listen to me. You're a boat.

[ Groaning ]

Where's Corey's room?! Where's Corey's room?!

[ Flies buzzing ]

Nope.

Oh, geez.

What the hell is going on here?

Hey, Dad. Corey's dead.

Oh, Christ. Not that asthma shit again.

I thought I told you to toughen up, pal.

[ Wheezing ]

Maybe I should come back later.

No, no. It's okay.

Um...[ Clears throat ]

Dr. Olive.

Huh?

Go fix your brother.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

Hey, Corey. How are you?

♪♪

Gentle, gentle, gentle, please.Sorry.

That's the sore side. Sorry.

Okay.

Thanks again for doing this.

You know, I can't really move this arm right now.

Right.And I want to make sure

I smell good for Sue.

You know? She always smells so good.

She's has a coconut hair spray.

It's fine. It's fine, it's fine.

Just -- can you lean to the right?

It's hard. Okay.

Okay, okay. Is that good? Is that good?

Yeah.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

How do I make her love me?

Have you considered negging?

No, what's negging?

It's like a compliment that's also a put-down.

Like, um...

Tell her her shoes look comfortable.

Okay.Or, uh, something like, um,

you know, "You seem really special, but I have

famously bad taste in men" -- or women in your case.

Um, that seems really mean.

Oh, God, yes. I mean, very mean.

Men are pigs, but it works like magic.

Oh.

Well, maybe that's a, you know, back-up plan.

Try to lead with being, like, a nice, clean boy, and then --

And on the off chance that this doesn't work for some reason.

Right, that's -- I think hygiene's plan "A,"

and that's the wildcard.Yeah.

You know? Yeah.

Okay, back off, everyone. Give Olive some space.

Come on, let's make a hole.

That's right, everybody.

Let's let the medical doctor practice her craft.

[ Laughter ] Yeah!

Yeah, here she goes.

Chad texted 911.

[ Sighing ] Oh! Great.

We have a medical doctor in the family.

Yeah, I do a lot of stuff, too, actually.

What do you do?

You think we should give him some of my "medication"?

What? You know, from the football game?

Yeah, I know. No, I don't think so, Wall Street.

You know what I'm talking about, though, right?

Yes, I do. My nose candy.

Yeah. Don't give it to him?

No. Okay.

I couldn't find it.

He doesn't look so good.

Olive, do something!I am doing something!

Honey, honey, back off, would you, okay?

She's allergic to pressure.God!

[ Ding ]

What's crazy is that Caper

can't even see a peanut without going into shock.

Oh, Chad, do you have Caper's epi shot?

Absolutely not. What is that?

It's for her allergies, you idiot!

Oh, I'm an idiot. Yeah. Well, got two shoes on.

Got my pants on. So, I'm actually doing okay.

[ Wheezing ]

[ Coughing ]

[ Coughing continues ]

[ Water running ]

-Repeat after me. -Okay.

You have beautiful eyes.

You have beautiful eyes.

The crooked one gives them character.

The crooked one gives --

I -- I don't think this is for me, Kyle.

Sure, just be yourself.

You know, I'm sure this one will stick around.

Yeah. Well, lets hope so.

Chad: Try not to get it in the neck or the forehead.

Jam it right into his fucking heart!

No, no, no! Put it in his leg.

Sorry, Harper!

No, no, no, we need to put it in his leg.

In his leg? In his leg.

You want me to take his pants down?

-I need you to take his -- -Nah, I'm not going to do that.

Yes, yes, yes. Take his pants.

Take his pants off!

We're taking your pants down.

Harper, why don't you come into the kitchen?

Yeah, I wouldn't want to watch this horror show.

I'll join you.

Try to keep his willy in there.

-Okay! -Oh, God! Dude!

-Whoa. -Dude, what are these?

I got those for him.

They're bright fucking green.

You bought me a few pairs of those, too.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Before you do anything, let me get some photos.

Oh, that's a good idea. Mom.

Honey, get in.

This is a Hollywood moment.

Mom, come on. You're on camera, all right?

Act like you're on camera or something.

-Shocker. Shocker. -You never know

where this will go.

-Wonderful. -Give me some different looks.

-Just a quick picture. -I'm trying!

I'm giving you -- Oh, come on!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Count of three?Count of three.

One...

[ Heart beating ]

Two...

[ Exhales deeply ]

Three!

-[ Screams ] -Oh!

[ Moaning ]

It takes a while for the stuff to go into his bloodstream.

[ Sniffs ]

It's how medicine works.

Right on.

Uh...

[ Smacks lips ]

-[ Inhales deeply ] -[ Gasps ]

-Hey, look at that! -Oh, my baby Jesus burrito.

Oh, my baby.

Okay, I'm sorry. Is that it?

-Oh, yes. -That's so anti-climactic.

Yeah, I though that was gonna be a lot more eventful.

Yes!

That's the way it's done!I did it. I did it.

[ Cheering ]

Baby!

You've done it!I did it!

I did it.[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ] Hey, paging Doctor Olive Morgan!

911 dispatch said there was a severe asthma attack?!

Um, guys, we're not gonna need you,

because we actually have a real doctor in our midst.

-Stop, dad. -Oh.

We're -- We're so sorry we rushed to your house

in response to an emergency.Yeah.

Oh, that's okay.

Sorry for inconveniencing everyone

with our selfless devotion to humanity.

Yeah, it's all right.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Don't choke on anything. -Thank you.

-Or you got it, though. -Good to see you.

-Bye. -Good to see you guys.

Looks like everything's okay.

Yeah, well, Olive saved his life with Caper's nerd wand.

Oh, I missed it.

It sucked.

You're here. I didn't know

you got here already.Oh, hey.

I'm so sorry. Oh.

No one told me. Okay.

What's going on? Your glasses are great.

Make you less dumb.

What? Did you meet --

Did you meet everybody? Did everyone, uh, what's --

So what, are we gonna get this party started?

Break out the Jenga. Topple the tower.

What...what... what's, uh...

[ Rap song plays ]

♪ The government is stealing our thoughts ♪

♪ The government's inside our brains ♪

Don: Did you take the remote?

The Vikings game's already started.

Uh, no.

Did you?

I thought you were all Bears fans.

Yeah, we aren't.

He has money on it.

I have money on it!

Where's that remote?

It's in my vagina.

So, what wife is he on now?

Number three.

Gosh, I can barely see that tracheotomy scar.

You're not eating?

We're not, you know...

Homeless?

We are officially on strike!

Guess that means we're gonna have to hoof it.