Original subtitles

(bell rings)

? When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning ?

? I don't think I'll ever make it on time ?

? By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look ?

? I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by ?

? It's all right ?

? 'Cause I'm saved by the bell ?

? If the teacher pops a test I know I'm in a mess ?

? And my dog ate all my homework last night ?

? Ridin' low on my chair, she won't know that I'm there ?

? If I can hand it in tomorrow it will be all right ?

? It's all right ?

? 'Cause I'm saved by the bell... ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the-- ?

? It's all right, 'cause I'm saved by the bell ?

Belding: All right, let's go people.

Find a seat.

You too, Slater.

- What's up guys? - Hey, Slater.

Here's the latest Bayside survey.

98% of the students favor two days of school

and a five-day weekend.

- Right, guys? - (applause)

And now the results of the principal popularity poll.

Whoops.

As you can see, it's heading straight for China.

Zack, sit down. You're ticking him off.

Wait. What about classes on the beach? Huh?

Just sit.

Now, before we continue our assembly,

our principal has a special announcement.

Let's hear it for Mr. Belding.

You're winning in the back, sir.

Thank you, Jessie.

Listen up, everybody,

because two weeks from tonight,

we are holding the annual Miss Bayside Beauty Pageant.

(cheering)

Swimsuit, swimsuit!

(chanting) Swimsuit, swimsuit...

All right, all right, all right.

The lucky winner will then go on to compete for the title of...

Miss High School California!

A beauty pageant?

What a stupid, sexist waste of time!

Not if you're in a teeny bikini, Mama!

I can't believe it. A woman ran for Vice President,

a woman sits on the Supreme Court,

and Belding still wants us parading around in bathing suits.

But Jessie, when those women go swimming,

don't they wear bathing suits too?

Ooh! Let's see you counter that one.

Kelly, we're human beings, not sex objects.

I just don't want to be judged on my measurements.

Why not? You've got some great ones.

Yeah!

Every beauty pageant takes us one step backwards

in our war against sexism.

You can take me prisoner in that war anytime, baby.

Jessie does have a point.

Yeah. I was going to enter, but after listening to you, I won't.

Oh, great. This is going to be some beauty pageant. Woof woof.

Kelly, why don't you, Lisa and I form a picket line?

- Not me, girl. I'm entering. - Why?

Because I want to be Miss High School California.

- It's fun being pretty. - You are hopeless.

Come on, Kelly. Let's go make picket signs.

How about some with pretty pink letters and cute little hearts?

- See ya. - Bye.

Lisa, you are one lucky girl.

Now that Kelly's out of the pageant, I'm throwing my support to you.

Big deal.

For your information, Slater, I happen to be an expert.

I've got videotapes of every beauty pageant

from Miss Universe to Miss U-Haul.

And I'd be happy to offer my services.

Thanks. But no thanks.

Yeah, well, I tell you,

she's going to regret refusing my offer.

Oh, come on, Preppie.

You know as much about beauty pageants

as I know about wearing pantyhose.

Oh yeah? I bet you I could take anyone

and make them the next Miss Bayside.

All right, it's a bet.

50 bucks.

And since you said you could take anyone,

I get to pick the contestant.

- You got it. - Deal.

Let me see here. Hmm...

Too cute.

Too sweet.

Hi, guys!

Too perfect.

- Screech? - Hey, Zack,

wanna see me drink a milkshake through my nose?

I bet no one'll beat him in the talent contest.

Hey, who drank my root beer?

(burps)

Sorry, Zack. Potato chips make me thirsty.

Screech, I have something very important to tell you.

ALF flew back to Melmac?

No.

The next Miss Bayside is right here in this room.

Kevin!

- I'm so happy for you. - Me?

Not Kevin. You, you doofus.

Zack, I thought you knew this already, but I'm a guy.

It doesn't matter. The rules don't say anything

about Miss Bayside having to be a girl.

Let me see those.

I'll need my glasses.

Okay, let's see here... (mutters)

Bing! He's right, boss, you can enter.

But do something about your hair.

But I don't want to enter, Zack. No one would vote for me.

That's because the other kids don't know the real you.

They don't realize all your wonderful qualities.

- I have some? - Yeah.

You're full of them.

You'll go where no man has ever gone before.

Okay. But I have to be home before dark.

Sisters! Don't sign up for the beauty pageant.

Let Belding know we're united against him.

Yeah!

Kelly, show some more enthusiasm.

Right. Okay.

Belding is a sexist! Rah, rah, rah!

On second thought, just carry the sign, okay?

Hi, Jessie, Kelly.

Nice signs.

They would've been prettier in pink.

We don't talk to traitors.

Hi, guys. I just entered the beauty pageant.

- Wish me luck. - Lisa, you had your chance.

Now I'm backing a better contestant.

- Who? - Screech.

(laughs)

(low) "Ban Miss Bayside." Huh.

Zack, are Jessie and Kelly still out there with those signs?

- Still there, sir. - Don't worry, sir,

I don't think you're a pig.

Sir, can I please have an entry form for the pageant?

Oh, great. Now I suppose you want to enter.

Don't be ridiculous.

- I'm entering Screech. - Are you crazy?

You can't enter a man.

I'm not entering a man. I'm entering Screech.

I'm sorry but this contest is only for women.

Why? Why should women be the only ones put on parade?

I think it's a great idea to enter a man in the pageant.

It makes a statement.

Oh, you want a statement? Well, here's a statement:

"No way, Jos�!"

Now I'll never be beauty queen.

- Hold it! - Hold it!

If you don't let Screech in, you're discriminating against men.

They'll just join us in the picket line.

Yeah. I'll get you 20 good men by lunch, Jessie.

I can deliver three geeks and a nerd.

Wait a minute now. Let's not let this thing get out of hand here.

Jessie, if I let this...

contestant enter the pageant,

will you stop your protesting?

Well...

a man in a beauty contest would be a big step forward.

All right. Let Screech enter and I'll call off the protest.

Okay. Sign up.

Mom will be so proud.

I don't believe this.

Screech is making a mockery out of the pageant.

No, Lisa. This is the first time the pageant hasn't been a mockery.

People should vote for the inner person.

Give me a break. It's easy for you to talk.

You're not in the contest.

I'd feel the same way if I were in it.

No, you'd feel ridiculous competing against Screech.

No, she wouldn't. I bet Jessie would be proud

to be part of an event that treats men and women equally.

- Right, Jessie? - Well, yeah. I suppose so.

- Then why don't you enter? - Yeah.

Yeah, show off your inner person.

All right, I will. I'm in.

Right. Way to go, Mama.

I mean, Ms. Mama.

- Jessie what? - I saw it with my own two eyes.

She entered the beauty pageant.

She thinks she's got the prettiest "inner person" in the school.

Let's see if her inner person

can match my outer person in a bikini.

Ooh. Does that mean you're going to give her some competition?

- You're darn right I am. - Great.

Having a beauty contest without you, Kelly,

is like having snap and crackle without the pop.

Hey, guys. What's up?

Nothing much, except that the Miss Bayside has become a real contest

now that Jessie and Kelly are in.

What? Kelly, you're in?

Yeah, and don't feel bad about backing Screech instead of me.

- No hard feelings? - Of course not.

And until the pageant is over, no more dates.

Kelly.

Could you hand me my towel, please?

Sure.

What does that mean?

It means you're a hypocrite! Talking me out of the pageant,

and then you entering it yourself!

Excuse me, but I'm in because the politics behind it changed.

But I wouldn't expect you to grasp that.

Your understanding of politics

is limited to who won the election on "Sesame Street."

Can you believe this snob?

I can't believe you, Kelly-come-lately!

Me?

It's not enough for you to be Homecoming Queen,

you have to butt into the pageant to upstage me!

I've got news for you. This is one beauty pageant

you are not gonna win.

It is not a beauty contest anymore.

That's right, you entered it!

- Watch it, cheerleader! - Watch it, egghead!

(all shouting)

Hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.

What are we getting so upset for?

We are up against Screech.

(laughing)

All right, rehearsals for the talent competition.

Let's go. Come on, everybody.

Jeannie Tyler, you're up first.

(marching music plays)

(music stops)

(piano playing)

(violin plays)

The caterpillar emerges from a cocoon

and takes a look at her new body.

Now she is a butterfly.

Now she has wings,

and now she can fly!

Screech's chances look better than ever.

Just wait till you hear Kelly sing.

She's got a voice like a bird. Watch.

(piano plays)

(off-key singing) ? Blue moon ?

? You saw me standing alone ?

? Without a dream in my heart ?

? Without a love of my own ?

(piano stops)

I didn't say what bird.

Ooh.

Okay, next...

The Great Screechini.

(music plays)

Thank you, Zack.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the wonderful world of magic.

And now allow me to present my wonderful assistant, Kevin.

Kevin, you're all dressed up.

I've got a date with Robocop's kid sister.

I'll do the jokes.

Hey, boss, I've got to blow my nose and I don't have a handkerchief.

- Can I borrow yours? - This is very unprofessional.

You'd better hurry it up! I feel a sneezing fit coming on.

Ah-ah...

ah-ah-tchoo!

Gesundheit!

Make that check payable to Zachary--

We'll see about that, Preppie.

(fast rhythm playing)

What are you doing?

If a guy is going to win this pageant,

it's going to be me!

I'm in, Preppie.

Face it, Zack,

now that Slater's entered, I don't stand a chance.

You're wrong, Screech.

Take away his looks, his muscles

and his smile, and what's left?

Me?

Slater never would have entered this contest if it weren't for you.

Are you going to sit back and let him steal the credit you deserve?

Well, what can I do?

Get back in there and fight.

- Oww! - Oops.

Sorry, boss. I think I gave you a shiner.

Oh, no. Look at my eye.

I'll never win the beauty pageant now.

Oh yeah?

That's what you think.

Hey, guys. Did you hear about Slater and Screech?

Yeah, they both did great at the talent rehearsal.

Oh, no. That's old news. I mean Screech's black eye.

Slater gave Screech a black eye?

You're kidding! Slater gave Screech a black eye?

Did you hear what Slater did to Screech last night?

- What? - What?

Slater dropped Screech off the roof of the school!

- No kidding! - No kidding!

Did you hear Screech was in surgery for eight hours?

I know. He's still in intensive care.

AC Slater should be locked up.

Did you hear Screech is on life-support?

Yeah, but the brave little guy

still wants to compete in the pageant.

If the hospital lets him out on time.

Both: Wow!

Thank you.

And now, continuing with our swimsuit competition.

Next up is Jeannie Tyler.

Thank you, Jeannie.

Our next contestant is Kelly Kapowski.

Kelly's our head cheerleader.

She's used to leading cheers, but now she's receiving them.

Thanks, Kelly.

Our next contestant is Jessie Spano.

Where is your swimsuit, Jessie?

I don't believe a woman should be displayed like a side of beef.

However, I am wearing a swimsuit underneath,

and for those of you who enjoy that sort of thing,

it's blue with pink stripes, okay?

Next a different look for this year's competition --

AC Slater!

Gee, I wonder why they don't like him?

Okay.

Thank you very much, AC Slater.

Next, Samuel Powers,

better known to all of you as Screech!

(applause)

I think they like him.

All right, now for our finalists in the Miss Bayside Pageant.

The winner will go on to Sacramento

to compete for the title of Miss High School California.

- Each girl-- - Ahem.

Or guy, will answer one question

and give her, or his, answer.

Are you ready, Jeannie Tyler?

Yes. That was an easy question.

Well, thank you, Jeannie.

Next, Kelly Kapowski.

Kelly, "What do you think we can do

to make this a more peaceful world?"

I don't think it's enough to believe in peace.

You have to cheer it along. Like...

gimme a P-E-A-C-E!

P-E-A-C-E! Yay, peace!

Thank you, Kelly.

Next, Lisa Turtle.

"Do you think beauty pageants are out of touch

with today's changing woman?"

No, I don't. I think beauty should be appreciated

wherever you can find it. There are so many terrible things

in the world today, why not have a pageant that makes you feel good?

Thank you, Lisa.

And now, for our final contestant for Miss Bayside,

Miss...ter Samuel Powers.

All right.

"What have you learned from competing

in the Miss Bayside Pageant?"

Well, I've learned that every geek can have his day.

Tonight, hundreds of my fellow students cheered for me.

I never felt so proud in my life.

But it's time for me to stop thinking about myself.

I don't like this.

If you choose me, there's no way Miss Bayside

could possibly win Miss High School California.

I mean any of these girls would be better.

So please, don't vote for me.

Now that's inner beauty.

Don't listen to him, he's still on medication!

All right, this is the big moment.

Good luck, everyone.

The new Miss Bayside is...

the lovely, the beautiful...

Screech!

I don't believe it.

I've lost to a teenage mutant dork?

Okay, well, here you go. Here's your 50 bucks.

Keep your money. It wasn't a fair fight.

I started a rumor that you gave Screech that black eye.

What? So that's why no one cheered for me then.

You wouldn't have won anyway. Besides,

have you ever seen a more beautiful Miss Bayside than that?

Never.

? Say, isn't she-- he charming? ?

? Isn't he a pearl? ?

? Lovely, disarming ?

? Not even a girl ?

? He's bursting with beauty ?

? And now it's my duty ?

? To present to you with pride ?

? The very first Mister Miss Bayside! ?

(instrumental theme music plays)

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