Original subtitles

MY BEST FRIEND

Directed by Lakis LazopouIos and Yorgos Lanthimos

My mother said, to be happy in Iife,

you shouId have the memory of a goIdfish which Iasts onIy 3''.

Then it forgets everything. That's why it's aIways happy.

By the time it reaIizes it's in a fishbowI. . .

it's aIready forgotten it.

Same with my friend, AIekos.

Except for a coupIe of years. . .

We've been best friends since we were six.

A heII of a Iong time.

We want hair here and now!

We want hair here and now!

We want hair here and now!

-What's going on? -BaId men.

They've bIocked the road.

-Why? -They want hair here and now.

2:20pm on Monday?

2:25. You'II make it.

-Are they fiIming a commerciaI? -And advertise what?

Their refIection, I don't know.

What'd ya say? I've got you on wide-angIe.

-If I miss my pIane!. . . -Don't shout.

Just trying to make up the distance.

WhiIe we're waiting, wouId you Iike a bergamot?

-Bergamot? -European!

My company gave me this 3-day trip to Paris.

And I'm not missing it because of any baId guy.

-Can't eat anymore. -I'II eat it.

I don't see us movin'. . .

-You'II make it. -So Iong.

You won't make it.

-TeII me I made it. -UnfortunateIy. . .

''''UnfortunateIy.'''' You say it so beautifuIIy.

It's aII your fauIt! Don't you ''''Was?'''' me!

Where's your hair?

Oh, God!

I ripped it out!

-You're the boss. -I'm the boss.

-You're the king. -I'm the king.

-You're a horse. -I'm a horse.

-No, I'm a horse. -And I'm your bIack rider. . .

gaIIoping into your dark IittIe forest.

I'II stuff this IittIe pussy.

-He's here, Mom. -I'm here.

-Where are the others? -He's my onIy friend.

What's it to you?

I cooked aII this food! Who's going to eat it!

We wiII.

-Can I eat the candIe? -Sure!

Our song!

I'II need a by-pass! I'II bIow up this pussy.

Now, the 2nd round of taIks. . .

I'm Onan Afnan and you're the MiddIe East.

-I'm Africa. -What do you see in the desert?

-Cactus. -How many?

1,2,3,4, 5,7,13,14...

-What're you thinking? -What time do the shops cIose?

Count! Count!

Am I disturbing you?

Am I disturbing you?

-Constantine? -So you remember my name?

I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing.

-Me, too. -So you fuck your paI's wife?

-You know how it is. . . -I'm Iearning.

Where's my shirt, dammit?

I shouId've Iet you Ieave.

Your residence permit's expiring.

Cut it out, you jerk!

-AIekos. . . -What?

-Beat it. Some other time. -Listen. I Iove this woman.

I Iove him too. I'm crazy about him.

He screws me Iike you never have.

He screws me Iike you never have. He screws me. . .

Okay, I get it!

He screws you Iike I never have.

Never!

-What's that? -A knife.

-What're you going to do? -This has got to end!

Take one, baby.

Thursday's our 6th wedding anniversary.

I'II be a Greek citizen. . .

I don't need you anymore.

He went to Paris and I never heard from him again.

Constantine was my whoIe Iife.

He was my best friend.

If something's happened to him, I won't be abIe to bear it!

That's aII.

I think we're missing a Ieg.

The Ieft one's here. Must be the right.

-The mountain's big. -And the Ieg's smaII.

Good evening.

-May they aIways be remembered. -I found it!

Size 42. Right. That's it.

We don't want a Ieg from another murder.

Bring the head, I want him intact.

He shouIdn't feeI that something's missing.

Why didn't we just throw him in the sea?

This is his favorite mountain, the one with the antennas.

He said you couId speak to the whoIe worId from here.

So, speak!

Goodbye, paI.

Have you seen the damn Iighter?

Where the heII. . . ?

Where couId that Iighter be?

Don't know. I Ieft it here. I stepped on some gum.

Constantine throws it everywhere.

The onIy time he doesn't chew is when he's not weII.

I'm out of here.

A woman? I can teII. You're in bad shape!

Don't go stay with your mother.

Mothers are the worst after a breakup.

''''I toId you so!''''

Not in the state you're in.

How about a naiI cIipper?

Sure. . . as Iong as it cuts.

My fucking cement shares! CIimb, dammit!

Are you going to use the whoIe bottIe.

I toId you to change coIogne. I can't hide the smeII.

Why am I so sexy?

3 days, 1 25,000. UnIimited miIeage.

That's how far I want to go.

Our phone numbers. Your keys.

If you need anything, anytime. . .

I'II manage.

-Th. . the signaI Iight. -Th. . .th. . .the key.

You'd think I'd been fucked by DracuIa!

What now?

OK, Dora, bye.

-Good afternoon, AIekos. -My damn mobiIe battery's dead.

It's your mobiIe battery, not a pacemaker's.

This chair reIaxes me.

-Now I feeI caIm. -Are you sure?

Any food? My feet hurt. I've got to take up tennis again.

-Did Constantine caII? -Not whiIe I was here.

My damn back. I hurt it trying to open a window.

-Was the view worth it? -You know my office view.

-You were at work? -Where eIse?

Do I win a prize for the right answer?

-What's for dinner? -Yesterday's Ieftovers.

Nothing from the day before yesterday?

Don't touch me, don't touch me.

I stink. I have to shower.

Am I wrong or have you changed your coIogne?

You mean there's none of that spinach pie Ieft?

Why hasn't he caIIed?

And you're wrong.

She's got a nose Iike Cyrano de Bergerac!

Why does that coIogne remind me of something?

You say something, dear? I can't hear you.

You're so cute today, Pinocchio.

Yes, you're right.

Divorce him.

The kids can't go on Iiving in this kind of situation.

The usuaI.

I've saved a IittIe money.

No! I definiteIy want to open a gym.

DefiniteIy!

When I get my citizenship everything wiII be different.

I'm reaIIy interested in this work.

Not Constantine.

The phone's ringing. It must be my husband caIIing from Paris.

Hi, darIing. Have you arrived?

Yes, darIing, I just Ieft the hoteI.

-The weather? -The weather's fine.

-How's Paris? -WonderfuI.

I'm at the Champs EIysees. I can see the Arc de Triomphe.

-Don't forget my perfume. -Yes.

-Who's there? -Some French peopIe.

You haven't found a French woman have you?

Are you kidding? I'm not Iike that, darIing.

The battery's running out. I'II. . . I'II. . . fuck you!

Did she faII for it?

Yes, thanks. I reaIIy appreciate this.

-Dumb women. -Dumb men.

-A doubIe hotdog. -With everything?

Yes, just hoId the onion.

-It won't fit two. -Oh, it wiII.

-This particuIar roII wiII. -You know something I don't.

You know, I did baIIet in my youth.

I'm thinking of taking it up now. . .

otherwise I don't see myseIf making it.

This reminds me of something.

Let's go.

Look towards the Iight, over there.

Good! Lift the ice-cream higher.

That's great. Now towards the Iight.

-You first. -No, you.

We've been here for hours. I'm freezing.

The others have been in and out aIready.

-What if I get stuck? -What d'you mean?

I saw two dogs doing it yesterday and they got stuck. . .

and everyone Iaughed. What if I get stuck?

-Want to hear my theory? -Want to hear mine?

-If I get stuck. . . -First of aII, you don't bark.

And second, I'II come and unstick you.

-Ready? -Yes.

Charge!

When I come, what do I shout?

''''Charge,'''' I don't know, or ''''I'm coming, I'm coming!''''

Why shout it, if I'm doing it?

They'II think I'm an idiot.

WeII, boys, what's it gonna be?

-Where's the girI? -I'm the girI.

You?

-Where are you going? -Mom!

Get back! You're useIess! You've made a fooI of me!

Your friend wiII ruin you! Get back!

-HeIIo? -HeIIo, who is it?

Is that you, Panayotis?

No, I'm not Panayotis.

I just wanted to taIk to someone.

I diaIed this number at random.

I just wanted to say that I'm an idiot -

an accompIished idiot. . .

and that my best friend is screwing my wife.

I just had to teII someone.

Get some sIeep, dear. It's been ten years. Forget the sIut!

Hey paI, you a piIot?

If you're not, can you do me a favor?

Can you give me your phone number?

AsshoIe!

-Move it! I'II expIain Iater. -Where are we going?

Get back here!

I forgot my keys, but I won't go back anyway.

-WiII I go back? -Got a Iight?

Just a minute!

-Do we know each other? -A Iight!

Where are you going? Are you married? D'you have a job?

-Did it Iight OK? -It's fine.

I'm not weII. Let's waIk. My nerves are on edge.

I'm shaking - but I won't cry.

If I don't waIk right now. . .

Can I Iock the car? ShaII I drive you somewhere?

I can't sit stiII right now!

-Venia. -Constantine.

-We've made a deaI, right? -With. . . ?

-The asshoIe, who eIse! -CaIm down.

-I'm caIm. -If you say so.

I'II teII you the whoIe story. TeII me if I'm unreasonabIe.

You're kiIIing me! Go ahead, take my fucking stripes, too!

That's aII you have to say? Why're you pressuring me?

You're choking me! I don't know which way to turn.

What did I do wrong?

I took care of aII of you! Even that bum your brother!

You think I'm made of money?

-Don't you come near me! -I oughta beIt you one!

You Ieaving? You wanna Ieave?

Shut up!

Didn't I teII you, not more than 6?

Didn't I ? I did.

-6,8, it's aII the same. -8, 1 2, 20. Why not an army?

What army?

We said we were gonna maintain certain standards.

Not more than 6. Didn't we agree?

We agreed.

Where are you going?

I got my dignity - my fucking dignity.

You're not going to waIk aII over it.

Didn't you know my probIem with the piIot?

You knew it, but you brought him anyway.

I swear I didn't know.

Don't go! You're not gonna bIow this marriage.

-I'II bIow it sky high! -My Iove. . .

-AsshoIe! -My Iove. . .

See, I have no probIem with group sex, but. . .

-Not more than 6. -Yes, us and 4 others.

It doesn't matter whether they're men or women. . .

As Iong as there are 4. . . and no piIots.

I feeI I'm suffocating on pIanes.

When someone's doing it to you, and says he's a piIot. . .

I just can't take it. I Iose it.

Like the pIane door's cIosing on me and I can't function.

-I shouIdn't ask, you say. . . -But you ask.

He's screwing you. ShouIdn't you know his Iine of work?

-It's. . . -Just curiousity.

PiIot. It's Iike he's saying: ''''Our reIationship is over.''''

TeII me if I'm being unreasonabIe.

I didn't say I'm a piIot. I said I wanted to be one.

You beIieve aII these years, I've onIy been with my wife?

Let me see. I beIieve you.

-What's your sign again? -Leo.

-What did you say? -Group sex is Iike Marxism.

AII for one and one for aII.

You meet different peopIe, scientists. You Iearn things.

I Iearnt the term ''''biocIimatic home'''' during group sex.

-Is that so? -WouId you. . .

And what did you do when you saw them?

I'II teII you.

First of aII, I'm afraid of heights.

Excuse me, sir.

You can have 'em.

It's me.

I jumped over to the next baIcony. I wanted to think.

What's there to think about? They were fucking.

See, you avoid that with group sex.

You don't worry about your friend,

because everyone does it together.

Good point.

-What're you doing tomorrow? -You scare me.

I'm supposed to be in Paris for the next 2 days.

Great. Tomorrow you're coming with me.

I'm not good with groups. Forget it.

-No siIIy, don't you trust me? -FrankIy, no.

You'II come. Let's go to a hoteI and get some sIeep.

My feet are kiIIing me. You'II pay the biII.

Okay, but Iet's get my car.

Can you imitate an eIephant? I can.

I can't.

So the bIack guy undresses and his ''''hose'''' pops out,

I'm spread out Iike this,

the Chinaman sees it and is bIown away.

It was endIess, Iike the Great WaII of China.

Have a nice stay.

I'm taIkin' to you.

-Was that in New York City? -Zuberi City Iast year. Great!

-I'm worn out. -A reaI sIut!

The asshoIe wiII be Iooking for me.

-Do you Iike your Iife? -I hadn't thought about it.

Looks Iike you've put everything on hoId.

I Iove the asshoIe. We met at a demonstration.

They were Ieaving Iran, going into Irak, I can't remember. . .

He was a cop and I enjoyed being beaten up.

-In Iran? -No, siIIy.

I feIt so guiIty. I was Ieftist with a communist father.

-It takes a whiIe to get over. -You're teIIing me!

Where are we going tomorrow?

AII of Athens spread out before us. I'm hungry.

-I'II get something. -Forget it.

AII dressed up for the office move?

No, we're moving offices on Saturday.

I've got an appointment. . . it's business.

Big business. . . Company insurance.

It's a transport company. They move animaIs.

AnimaIs. WeII, that's something new.

Why? There are aII kinds of companies.

This one moves an animaI from here to there.

Sure, they can't Ieave it in the same pIace.

Are you hiding something, AIekos?

I don't have a girIfriend. I swear on the coffee. . .

I'm about to drink.

-Where are we going? -Hope it's the right roof.

Are we gonna hang cIothes?

-Wait! -For what?

We can onIy understand ourseIves by speaking up. . .

Constantine, this is SteIIa.

Meet the members of the group therapy.

Christos, are you stiII here?

I've Ieft, got away, escaped. . .

Tonight I feeI Iike Cuba with my cigars, my convertibIes. . .

But you know you can't Iive in a country without souvIaki.

I'II teII you a great joke. . .

Christ is pIaying tennis with Naomi CampbeII. . .

-Give me a break. -Coming to my cousin's bar?

Tonight's an anniversary. . .

. . .of the first time you jerked off?

-Such taIk! -Oops! I'm off.

Theoni, any e-maiIs from the apostIe PauI?

How are you, Mr. AIekos?

When you got the truck waiting outside. . .

and BeIgium's expecting its apricots at 8:1 3 on the dot. . .

you can't have an affair with the woman you met. . .

when you stopped for a quick snack.

I Iike to take my time with women.

Let's get back to Harry. . .

My Mom didn't Iike any of the 63 women I took home. . .

onIy Nina, who wanted to marry me.

But Mom said a winter wedding was unheard of.

''''What mother wouId wear a coat to her son's wedding?''''

I want to get married, but I can't.

You caII that an accident?

I've got 8 stitches in my ear!

Because your wife hit you over the head.

Insure me against my wife then.

-Fire, accident and wife. -It's. . . Iife.

Your phone's aIways busy, I've Iost you.

When I came here, I was convinced. . .

I was the reincarnation of King Jugurtha.

I'd go to the toiIet and wonder. . .

how wouId King Jugartha sit? Like this?

Like this. . . Iike this.

Have you cIosed ''''shop'''' downstairs?

I'm cIosing now. . . HoId on.

Hi, Daphne. I'II caII you back.

I've got time to ''''shop'''' at 1 0.

Now I've got to go shopping with your wife.

I'm waIking on a tighrope here.

Tonight, I'm exterminating your IittIe ''''shop.''''

-AII-night shopping? -Something's bothering her.

-Did you Iike it? -The roof therapy? Fine.

In the US, everyone's being psychoanaIyzed on rooftops.

You know, roof therapy. . .

I'm not ashamed to shout out my probIem.

-I have to shout now? -Give him some time.

-On tomorrow's roof. -Okay.

I've got premature ejacuIation!

-Just the two of you? No kids? -No.

-OnIy married? -OnIy.

Times have changed. Here today, there tomorrow.

-The kitchen? -Let's see the bedroom. . .

The bathroom is rather cramped.

I don't have a permanent reIationship right now.

-The garden is Iarge. -Yes, Iarge.

Sign here, pIease.

Your husband doesn't need to see it, you said.

-No, he doesn't. -OK. You've got my ceII number.

Let's see something eIse.

You're not heIping me heIp you.

-I can imagine it, but can't. . . -Express it?

That's it.

-The fuchsia does things. -Great things.

Brightens things up, I'd say. Matches our puppies, too.

-You've got fuchsia puppies? -The design on my underpants.

Wrap them up reaI fancy with ribbons. . .

and do that thing with the scissors. . .

And give me 50 of those cheap panties.

-To be torn off! -That's it!

-SteIIa's great, isn't she? -Yes, she's got something.

And she's a straight taIker.

-See you at the hoteI ! -What's up?

-Boys! -It's Venia!

-Hey, weren't you saiIors? -No, you've mixed us up again.

Here you are again!

Easy women, cheap booze and and wiId sex in the forest. . .

-Snap out of it. -I can't take it anymore.

I was with my babe and guess who I saw. . .

coming out of a house with a guy. . . Our Constantine's wife.

They're aII getting Iaid, man.

-I'II teII you a great joke. . . -You just did. I'm Iaughin'.

I'm off.

-Don't think about it. -He ruIed it out compIeteIy.

There are miIIions of other doctors.

PeopIe have gone aII over the worId

to have a chiId and they did it.

I know how much you wanted one.

It'II happen when it's meant to.

-I Iove you so much. -How much?

A Iot.

Was my baby quiet whiIe I was away?

Were you quiet whiIe I was out?

We have visitors this afternoon.

A man. Now don't be jeaIous.

He Iooked handsome.

No, not handsome. . .

Charming?

THODOROS AN AMOURLIDES PRIVATE IN VESTIG ATOR

Our Iife revoIves around detaiIs.

I don't want my friend to worry.

-Constantine? -Yes.

-And the Rumanian woman? -I want evidence.

I want to show him photographs.

Photographs. Front, profiIe.

I teII it Iike it is. I'm not tactfuI.

If she's got him inside her, I'II teII you.

I won't beat around the bush.

ManIy stuff. I'm not tactfuI.

Don't start tonight though.

We'II aII be together tonight.

Constantine too. Oh boy.

-Bye. -Bye.

-Constantine! -Constantine, who?

I found him after aII these years.

I Iooked him straight in the eye but he didn't recognize me.

It says ''''AIekos ZaharopouIos'''' here.

He's the one who Ieft. I'm taIking about Constantine.

I toId you about him. We were cIassmates. Then we Iost touch.

My first Iove!

I need a drink.

I wanted to cry.

And I'm impersonating Thodoros!

Why? Why?

Because Thodoros died. . . and just as weII !

-CaIm down. -Why am I impersonating him?

We had to keep this office. Everyone trusted him.

Yes, but why am I impersonating him?

You've got two fat chiIdren.

I couId Iive my Iife watching him from afar.

Even if I don't marry him, I'II taiI him.

Thodoros, you're not Thodoros!

You're Lisa. I'm Lisa.

-Where's Thodoros? -I'm Thodoros.

And I'm YoIanda.

A Iot depends on you.

-Good evening. -Good evening.

-It's been a whiIe. -Come in.

-Do you Ii e it? -It's fine.

It's my friend Katy's apartment.

I guess she paints in her spare time.

I can't draw a thing.

Sure are a Iot of paintings.

-Freud. He Iikes you. -He smeIIs probIems.

A whisky.

If it doesn't work, we'II use piIIs.

I Iike it that you take me seriousIy.

So, go on. I'm aII ears.

If there is a beginning. . .

it began 6 years and 1 0 days ago, on a Wednesday.

She's crazy about you. Crazy, I teII you.

''''Who's that gorgeous hunk?'''' she said.

-She caIIed me gorgeous hunk? -I swear.

May I never cIinch another insurance contract!

-A Rumanian goddess. -Rumanian?

So what? She's a goddess.

Did she reaIIy say that, Daphne?

Daphne found her a job at the restaurant.

She used to work with me.

But then she had probIems with her residence permit.

-She's very nice. -So where did she see me?

Listen, as we're taIking. . .

she says she'd stay here, if she met a Greek man.

So I grab the opportunity and I say. . .

I have a friend. . . unmarried.

But she wants to see you, so I show her that hoIiday snapshot,

-the one of us on the donkey. -You showed her that?

AII you can see is you and the donkey.

No, you're in the background, Iooking at the camera.

''''I want to see him,'''' she teIIs me.

Maybe she'd Iike me to come with the donkey?

Do you think this wiII work out?

I had a dream about it, I teII you.

I saw a snowy-white ox and that onIy means one thing.

-Marriage. -Marriage.

-How did I Iook on the donkey? -Neat. Now eat your fish.

Go in.

The next day, the ox and his paI went to a restaurant,

which was anything but a restaurant.

Come here! Come back here.

-Where are you going? -I forgot to put on coIogne.

Fuck, is that such a probIem? Here.

And what's more you didn't say where we're going.

I'm dressed Iike a cathoIic priest. . .

about to bIess the outrageous.

Look at me!

We've got big ones. We're not worried.

-Thank you. -You're weIcome.

In a week, we were married.

Her residence permit was expiring.

And for six years the marriage was fine?

SexuaIIy, it was fine.

At Ieast, I thought so. . .

You didn't notice anything in the corner of her eye?

I didn't Iook, but there was nothing in the middIe.

I haven't been to a sexoIogist,

but isn't 4 times a week okay?

-What if she wanted 1 0 times? -She never said so.

I'm not saying she went to him for the extra 6.

The reasons are aIways much deeper.

It never occurred to you that Andrea and AIekos. . . ?

No. . .no. . .

Yes.

You don't know when to stop!

You ate your brother's burgers and mine!

You ate 8 servings of french fries!

And you had to top it off with the Iast of the spaghetti !

-Thank God, we have no kids. -I'd Iike one.

-What does Andrea say? -No probIem.

We haven't taken it seriousIy yet.

She'd Iike one very much.

Where are they?

PIease bring me the shampoo.

DarIing.

Where's AIekos?

Who knows? ProbabIy chasing an octopus.

-What's this? -What?

Here, here.

I . . .um. . . sat on a rock. . .

I feIt something.

A IittIe crab must have been there and it bit me.

Give me a kiss, come on.

A crab with a set of human teeth.

If you're in Iove, crabs have teeth. . .

and porcupines don't have quiIIs.

-A faIIing star. -Where?

WeII I made a wish.

I don't know if the star heard it.

Are you going to be Iike this aII night?

You haven't eaten a thing. Eat your fish.

So that's why you wanted me to start tomorrow?

He's aIways been Iike that.

He once hit on me behind Constantine's back.

Why today? It's our anniversary.

This has been brewing a Iong time.

What's more I don't feeI the same passion, the same Iove.

This is new. You don't feeI the same passion, the same Iove?

I've decided to taIk to Constantine.

-''''My friend,'''' I'II say. . . -Friend, huh?

''''I'm screwing your wife.'''' He couId be screwing mine.

I don't Iike that! You're not screwing me!

I'm not a fence, I'm a person!

Why're you shouting? In bed. . .

This is a tabIe. Knives, forks, pIates.

I'm dressed, I'm made-up.

-Am I made-up? -Yes.

I Iove Constantine.

Let's go. Now. I Ioathe you. . .

. . .so much. -How much?

As the squere bIock.

Now!

-LittIe umbreIIas. -I hate them.

I Iove them. I shouIdn't feeI bad that I'm keeping you.

Do I Iook Iike I mind?

-You didn't finish about. . . -The Iove affair?

It was great. I was a student in Germany. . .

and was vacationing in Greece.

He Ieft aIong with the summer and I never saw him again.

-His name was AIekos too. -It seems to go with the name.

-What shouId I do? -Give it time. . .

What does time know, that I don't?

You'II Iook back on this one day and Iaugh.

If I strangIed them now, I'd Iaugh today.

DRIVE IN THE PERVERTED FISHBO WL

What're they doing? TeII me.

Don't I give you a good screw?

That's aII you can think of!

Didn't we say I'd be the brutaI exterminator today?

Today we'II pIay another fiIm. ''''Run, LoIa Run.''''

Where are you going? Get back in here!

Come back, peopIe are Iooking at us!

They can see us. Come here!

Come here!

Come here!

I can't see a thing. Where are you?

What do you want?

-You've got someone eIse. -I want to break up.

AIright, fine. I'II hear arguements.

What're you staring at?

I've never opened up to a woman before.

I'm impressed with myseIf.

I've aIways said everything to AIekos.

It's different taIking to a man.

You're not ashamed of teIIing him that you're a jerk.

You have to teII a man, whiIe a woman knows it.

Why do I do this so weII, dammit?

I need an expert to teII me why?

You swore you wouIdn't teII Constantine anything.

I'II insure this pussy.

Forward, soIdier, on to victory!

Go girIs before it starts getting kinky.

-Hey, that's my Vivian! -Bye, LiIian.

What's the matter?

How can you sIeep in your heImet? Wake up!

What's happening? Is the enemy here?

You're such a jerk making me strap myseIf up here.

I toId you I'm afraid of heights. You take the top bunk.

Have you been with my Vivian?

Are you kidding? Before I fuck her,

I aIways ask first: ''''Are you LiIian or Vivian?''''

-What does she answer? -No.

Then why did she ask me where's the moIe on my dick?

-So where did it go? -Where do you think?

You're the one with the moIe.

Haven't you heard about the twin syndrome?

Whatever one feeIs, the other feeIs too.

Mine caIIed me Constantine in bed.

Then she expIained it to me scientificaIIy.

Sometimes she asks me how the moIe got on my dick.

Those twins wiII drive us crazy with that moIe.

This wiII reaIIy bIow you away. . .

Last time, mine had an orgasm without me even touching her.

ObviousIy yours was having an orgasm and she feIt it.

-On Saturday? -Yes. Go to sIeep.

-Sorry, AIekos. -That's okay.

You needed to beIieve him. You're not so naive.

I'm not, huh? Just pretending?

You come, we screw, you Ieave. That's no reIationship.

Don't we smoke and taIk too?

Do we have to taIk about saving the seaIs?

Not onIy seaIs, AIekos, not onIy seaIs. . .

There's the sea turtIe too.

You onIy know 50 words: ''''Baby, you turn me on,

you drive me crazy, you kiII me, take it. . .''''

Our reIationship can be summed up in 50 words.

50-60 words express passion. That's it.

52 words describe passion.

You don't know basic things about me.

I care about saving the seaI, the orangutango.

-Damn that pronunciation! -Saving, in generaI.

Are you ready to face that they may be madIy in Iove?

Are you kidding? And you're a psychoIogist!

I care about even the tiniest bug in the Amazon!

But when I see you,

I don't think about saving the penguins dammit! I don't!

Why did God create man before woman?

First experiments, then miracIes.

Why haven't women Iearned how to park?

Why do men honk their car horn for no reason?

We're not going to get aIong.

Good one.

Did my boy buy panties whoIesaIe?

A gift of 900 panties?

D'you think I'm a whore?

The car has become an embassy,

but I don't know of what country.

I forgot to mention. . .

that was the Iast time we made Iove.

-Just so you know. -What did she say?

What did you say?

Don't you dare sIam the door on me!

-I've depressed you. -We'II taIk tomorrow.

-Good night. -Good night.

What?

The paper shredder. . .

It sucked and chewed it and aImost. . .

What can I swear on? TeII me.

I wish I couId heIp but you've used everything up.

Graves, souIs, there's nothing Ieft, dear.

I won't stoop to your IeveI.

What can I say?

What can I say?

What can I say?

I M ADE UP WITH THE ASSHOLE.

LET'S GO TO AM USEM ENT PARK. VENIA.

LOOK AT THINGS WITH HUMOR.

Having a fuck, eh?

Having a fuck, eh?

Having a fuck, eh?

-Take your time. -I wouId've toId you.

So I'm finding out quicker this way?

Don't take it personaIIy. It happens to everyone.

It's the initiaI shock, you know.

-What were you saying? -Don't stop. . .pIease.

-I'II cook some eggs. -WiII you eat with us, AIekos?

Oh, aIright.

-Put some cIothes on. -He's taIking to you.

I'II make some french fries, too.

-You'II eat some, won't you? -Fuck the fries.

I'II fuck them, because you've aIready. . .

Hey, she didn't go with a stranger.

-I'm starving. -It makes you hungry.

You're caressing my Ieg.

PIay with me, too.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

Was it the Iast time?

WiII it be the Iast time?

Your coffee, Mr. AIekos.

Take it away!

-What's in the coffee? -Coffee.

-Apart from coffee? -Your probIem. . .

that it's not pIeasant when you drink it.

I want us to taIk! You know.

It's not my fauIt that I can't get it up.

It might be due to stress, or poIIution. . .

it couId be hereditary, or due to age.

-There's so much. -Where are you going?

-Don't be surprised if. . . -I get it up?

Heavy stuff so earIy in the morning!

I'II drink tea.

Hirohito. . . Nagasaki. . .

1 ,2,3. . . Fuck me, fuck me.

1 ,2,3. . . rip me apart.

Constantine?

ShouId I write it on a neon sign?

''''This is the Iast screw.''''

You're not a man. You don't understand.

-Right? -Right.

If I'd known, I'd have given it my aII.

But then what wouId you be Ieft with?

Are you sure I had an orgasm with you?

I'm not gonna drink coffee today.

I can't beIieve you didn't have an orgasm.

-What about aII that screaming? -SpeciaI effects.

I can do it for you now. . .

-I'm kidding. -Why?

I'm dying and you're pIaying 8-baII.

Go away, I'm Iosing.

-You used me. -It's over for me.

We'II be on the news, Andrea, I warn you.

-Don't push me! -Beat it, you jerk!

It was absurd for Odysseus to expect PeneIope to wait.

She was probabIy screwing.

ProbabIy.

-It's Odysseus' probIem. -It's Constantine's probIem.

But why did Odysseus have to go through so much?

OnIy to Ieave Troy and find his wife on aII fours. . . ?

If he knew, he'd have gone somewhere eIse.

He wouIdn't have gone to Ithaca, but to. . .

Vourvourou.

-Yannis? -Yes.

I don't think the point is PeneIope and Odysseus.

I think it's Abbott and CosteIIo,

BoIek and LoIek.

Let's not psychoanaIyze it anymore.

It's an asshoIe's ego trip and it just happened to be me.

I know what I have to do. . .

I'm an asshoIe!

You're not the onIy one!

See if you Iike them.

They're beautifuI.

BeautifuI and Iarge. Faces Northeast, eh?

Rooftop therapy's not reaIIy my goaI in Iife.

It's fine but I took over because Katy got iII.

Things wiII be better for me in Germany.

What if I say that I'II miss you?

I've heard that before. Venia's disappeared again?

No, she Ieft a message. She's gone back to. . .

You can stay the night with me,

if Freud doesn't bother you, or I for that matter.

On the contrary.

This wasn't something I'd pIanned.

I've got to go to bed.

I have to pack tomorrow.

I toId you. There nothing to keep me here.

You couId be right. I just want to thank you.

Thank Venia.

I'd Iike to go with you tomorrow. . .

and not be at my wedding anniversary.

Don't rush things. There's stiII fog up ahead.

Am I in danger?

You, inside!

I hope you'II be fine on the sofa.

-Goodnight. -Goodnight.

Not a word.

You have to teII him, he's your friend.

He shouId know about his wife.

If you teII him, we're through.

I'II say it in my own way, without reaIIy teIIing him.

-Do you change bandages? -As soon as Mr. AIekos gives. . .

Good morning.

-How was Paris? -Just great.

Is the EiffeI Tower stiII high?

-There's a reason I'm asking. -ReaIIy?

-Theoni ! -Was it nice?

Yes. How was the Iove affair whiIe I was gone?

It's no joke. He won't even insure my brother.

-What happened to the priest? -His cassock caught fire again.

We'II insure him against the hoIocaust.

-GoIdfish! -You're such an asshoIe.

CouIdn't you caII to say you were okay?

Important thing is you had a good time, right?

It was beyond perfect. It was fantastic.

They say Frenchwomen use perfume, so they don't stink.

-Any Iuck? -You know that's not my styIe.

If you don't screw around now, when wiII you?

Are you screwing around these days?

No, but the thought does cross my mind.

But it doesn't stay there?

If it did, you'd teII me, wouIdn't you?

You'd be the first to know.

-Want to hear a joke? -No.

A guy goes to the EiffeI Tower and says. . .

''''My God, I'm so short.''''

''''Don't worry,'''' says the EiffeI Tower,

''''with your cuckoId's horns, you're as taII as I am.''''

It's a joke!

Thanks for everything. You have my number. . .

Have a good trip. . .

And when the fog cIears, see me. Constantine.

Don't make it raven bIack. Just enough to hide the grey.

Raven bIack!

Don't you be afraid and Iet's keep it serious.

So go on, teII me. . . I thought as much.

OK, something aImost happened, but it didn't work out.

-Near the Seine? -At the cathedraI.

-Quasimodo's sister? -No, we're taIking goddess!

But if your wife's okay, you can't. It's psychoIogicaI.

If she fucks around, however, with this guy and that guy. . .

One's enough.

But in my case my wife's beyond reproach.

-If she wasn't. . . -If she wasn't?

I'd kiII them both.

-You'd kiII her? -And him.

-Of course. . .and him. -Of course.

Don't forget about tonight.

No, no. . . What's tonight?

Our 6th wedding anniversary.

You were my best man.

-Is it hot in here or is it me? -It's you.

It's coming out raven bIack!

-From Paris to Kozani? -Yes, Kozani.

I'm Ieaving at dawn. . .

and coming back on Sunday.

It's an important job. D'you want to come?

No. If it was ThessaIoniki. . .

-You'd come to ThessaIoniki? -AbsoIuteIy.

But Kozani. . .hoIds you back.

-Know who I dreamt about? -My wife.

-Don't be an asshoIe. -I'm kidding.

-That's not funny. -I Iaughed.

-I dreamt about SteIIa. -Who?

My 8-month Iove affair?

Daphne's great, but she doesn't do it for me.

Of course, SteIIa wouIdn't have waited for me.

She has kids by now. . .

but it turns me on to think about it.

-How do I Iook? -You Iook fine.

How wouId I Iook. . . with a kid?

-What kid? -A kid.

A reaI kid?

Andrea asked me not to teII you.

She said especiaIIy not you.

But if I don't teII you, who do I teII?

No way.

Of course the dates don't quite match. . .

But the father couId hardIy be someone eIse, right?

Nowadays they can find out through the DN A.

No way, man.

The chicken.

With Iemon sauce, rosemary, thyme, fenneI. . .

-Budapest oIives. . -Prague prunes. . .

Is there anything it doesn't have?

I'II have duck with goose sauce.

Duck with orange goose sauce.

It's as if it were yesterday.

It feeIs the same. . . a burning sensation.

-Steak. -After studying the whoIe menu?

Is that a probIem?

I'II have whatever my friend has.

The friend's steak. . .

So, how was Paris? Your first time, right?

No. WonderfuI ! I'II teII you a joke I heard there.

A Spanish guy sees his best friend fucking his wife.

''''Buenos dias,'''' he says, ''''Buenas tardes,'''' she says.

And from the cIoset, you hear, ''''Ooooooo. . .''''

Tarzan?

Come on, it's a great restaurant.

-Let's go now! -Why?

-I'II teII you Iater. -Hey, wait!

What a shame. You're so rude.

. . .and the Spanish guy yeIIs, ''''Let's get organized!''''

-Are you on coke? -I just feeI incredibIy high.

I've got a terribIe headache.

-It must be a migraine. -I read in Paris. . .

When haIf of your head thinks something,

and the other haIf something eIse, then. . .

-You get a migraine. -Yes.

Come on, I'm just kidding.

-To our Iove. -To our passion.

-To your passion. -To your Iove.

To the heir!

What's wrong?

You've got no imagination when it comes to Iovemaking.

And if you haven't, some other guy wiII screw her.

If he's a prince. . .

then I'm a buIIfighter.

No. Emperor Nero. . .

I'II make it sizzIe. . . compIeteIy!

PLEASE HOLD

IT'S CONSTANTINE

I WANT US TO H AVE CELL PHONE SEX - ASK M E AN YTHING

TAKE OFF YOUR BRA

I'M COM ING DO WN

IT'S NICE DO WN HERE

LICK M E ALL O VER

YOU'RE HORN Y I FEEL IT

I C AN'T TAKE IT AN YMORE

DEEPER

Open the door!

I'm off to Kozani. Back on Sunday.

I adore you. It was wonderfuI. Constantine.

Hi. Have you parked? Come on up.

The fucking paper came!

My fucking citizenship.

-You must be happy now. -I am.

-I'II caII you. -I'II be at the gym.

It finaIIy came.

You're fIying high.

AIekos, I'm caIIing you from Kozani.

PIease drop by the house and taIk to Andrea.

Don't teII her I caIIed you.

She wants to have an abortion.

-PIease speak to her. -Okay, bye.

You haven't caIIed me with any information.

I'II teII you up cIose.

-Can't you teII me from afar? -I've got evidence.

-Is she at home? -No, she's at the gym.

I'm on my way.

-Where are you going? -To Miami.

Did you book a hoteI?

It's a joke.

-HeIIo? -You don't know me.

-If you say so. -I'm a woman who Ioves you.

Because I Iove you, I want you to know that. . .

your wife is sIeeping with your best friend AIekos.

Right now, she's at the ''''Jump & Jump'''' gym.

-Everyone's jumping. -Jump & Jump.

When you find out who I am. . .

Everyone knows she's screwing around.

You're crazy. What're you doing here?

I can't beIieve our reIationship's over.

WeII, beIieve it and scram. How did you find me?

I ran around and found you.

I'm going to teII Constantine and Daphne,

but I've got something to teII you.

I can't taIk whiIe I'm running. It's impossibIe.

-Stop. -How does it stop?

I won't Iet you get rid of this baby.

The baby's mine. . . unIess it's his.

-What're you doing? -You're a fooI.

Don't increase the speed!

Don't do that to me. How does it stop?

It's Iike a motorway - no traffic Iights.

If it's a boy. . .

How does this thing stop?

Hey, paI ! Hey. . .mercy!

This is kiIIing me! What do I press?

Have I done something? What have I done? Excuse me. . .

-It's for women onIy. -What have I done?

I know there's someone eIse.

I've got proof, but I don't care about that.

I want to know whose baby it is.

-Is it his? Mine? Whose? -It's his.

-I'm sweating. -You're in a sauna.

Okay, okay we'II taIk, we won't just fuck.

I'm to bIame, I know.

We can taIk about anything you Iike. . . worId poverty. . .

photosynthesis. . . the IoneIy distance between main arteries.

What're you taIking about?

How do those fucking cameIs stand the heat?

We can taIk about the negative aspects of this topic, too.

-AIekos? Hi. -Constantine?

Any excuses or are we discussing this in 1 0 years?

I wake up this morning and what do I decide?

Or rather I don't decide. . . how Iife turns out. . .

How does Iife turn out? How does it turn out, AIekos?

You taIk, AIekos, I feeI terribIe.

You're not the onIy one.

-This isn't a good pIace. -Were we Iooking for one?

Are the two of us going to taIk about it, or the three of us. . .

or is the sIut going to stay?

-ShouId the sIut Ieave? -Yes!

WeII, spit on me, go on!

Don't beg me, it's top of my Iist of priorities.

Just move over a bit, so I don't miss.

AsshoIe, what we had was more important than her.

You prick! I've known you since we were six.

How couId you Iook me in the eyes aII these years?

-You think it was easy? -It wasn't?

No! Pass me the shampoo.

Each day, I tried to find the courage to teII you.

And you stiII haven't.

Of course nothing reaIIy earthshaking happened.

-We didn't. . . -I saw you.

The water's freezing. We shouIdn't have gone in.

You're unbeIievabIe.

I'm serious. I was a bIack stud in my past Iife.

WeII, in this Iife, you haven't sIowed down much.

I've aIways envied you, except for one thing. . .

that you can forget everything in a few seconds.

-I don't remember that. -How couId you?

I was proud I had the memory of an eIephant.

But now I envy your goIdfish memory.

Everything wouId have been different.

What are you saying? Speak cIearIy.

OnIy if I make marriage. . . not reaI marriage. . .

-then I stay. -AII right.

I've got a friend - friend -

He'II marry you and we'II stiII be together.

-Constantine? -You know him?

I don't. Daphne say Constantine. . .

I not understand. This friend say okay?

Oh, mama! He'II faII in Iove with you right away.

What? My mama?

I feII in Iove with her. What couId I do? I was Iosing her.

I kept saying that I'd find the courage. . .

and the right moment to teII you.

-You'd remember, then forgot. -That's it.

CongratuIations! We'II never speak to each other again.

-You're bitter. -How eIse shouId I be?

Let's go to the bumper cars.

After aII that, I can't Iook you in the eyes.

But it was true that I Ioved you.

It's inhuman for a woman to be wanted onIy for her money.

Find a woman who reaIIy deserves you.

It's tough to find out that her husband

is having an affair with her best friend.

One thing I'II swear to you. I'II never see AIekos again.

I Ioved you, AIekos. You never reaIized that.

Here are the tapes from Thodoros, and this is from me.

-What is it? -You'II need it.

-What is it? -Grass.

I can't even roII over. . . how can I roII a joint?

As soon as you hear the tapes, it'II come naturaIIy.

You've got to beam yourseIf over here right now.

I'm coming, but there's no way. . .

You might change your mind when you hear this.

-I don't think so. -Listen and see.

It's so great to Iie in bed without a jerk on top of you!

What did they say at the ministry?

The paperwork's finished.

-When I get those papers. . . -She means the citizenship.

They're such morons, especiaIIy my husband.

How did I keep from Iaughing aII these years?

I know, and you had to do it with him too.

Thank God, mine stopped touching me ages ago.

I used to stress him out so he couIdn't get it up.

There's no more pathetic sight than that!

Constantine's different.

-He's. . . -More of a sensitive idiot. . .

I don't know. The Iast time I feIt something. . .

You'II get over it.

Men never understand when a woman has an orgasm.

AII they care about is how many times.

They'II boast they did it five times and they might aII stink.

At some point, I screamed so much, it was so fake. . .

that I was sure he'd reaIize it, but no.

They'II be sorry. You shouId've seen mine. . .

whenever I pretended to be suspicious.

So funny. Make a man feeI guiIty and sit back and enjoy.

If AIekos ever finds out about the wiII, he'II. . .

He won't. The Iawyer's a friend of mine.

If AIekos knew I married him because according to the wiII. .

I get the inheritance after five years of marriage,

he'd not onIy stick around, he'd probabIy even get it up.

-Maybe. -Very IikeIy.

If onIy there was a camera, so we couId see them crying.

-Where are you going? -To the bathroom.

We need a big, fat joint for this one.

-UnbeIievabIe! -UnbeIievabIe.

-Are we two asshoIes or what? -Yes, we are.

I was wondering why that waiter at the restaurant went nuts,

gaping Iike that.

They were doing touchy-feeIy under the tabIe.

And we were beaming Iike jerks.

-Friends again? -Kismet.

-Do you recaII? -No, I'm not sIeepy at aII.

I said recaII. . . you know Iike remember. . . ?

-SteIIa. -SteIIa!

-Which SteIIa? -The one I met.

No, the one I Ieft.

This time we'II each have our own SteIIa.

-What's the deaI? -I don't know. . .

I'm on another pIanet.

Someone's gotta stay and Iock the door.

I Iike this inexpIicabIe joy that I feeI.

Want to Iet her rip and taIk about some sociaI issue?

I sounded Iike that singer DaIaras there.

I feeI Iike a fIy on the ceiIing Iooking down.

Isn't this a sociaI experience?

-What? -This. . .whoIe fucking thing.

This is great stuff.

From EIbasan in AIbania, Iike the poet says.

-Which poet? -EngonopouIos.

How'd you say that? EIbasan?

-What's in it? -Whatever the courier put in.

I want to turn myseIf in to the poIice.

I can be a witness for the prosecution.

I'II take a nap. We are in my home, right?

-I can't teII. -The ceiIing's grey.

Grey, eh?

I must be Iaughing Iike a jerk.

-One brandy and we're off. -Where to?

There's something keeping me here. CaII me. SteIIa.

-SteIIa! -SteIIa!

SteIIa and I got together that very same night.

I must remember to teII. .

. . .AIekos.