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[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

Larry, The Cable Guy!

[crowd cheer and applaud]

All right.

Thank you. Please remain seated.

Do not rush the stage. Thank you.

Well, this is awesome.!

Who cancelled? Thank you so much...

for having me.

This is a good-looking crowd.
I'll tell you what.

Right now, Cracker Barrel's wondering
where all the regulars are, right?

Look at this. This is good-looking!

Well, good to be in Joliet!

-That's right.
-[crowd cheer and applaud]

I bet that's the first time
you ever heard that.

[all laughing]

I'm only kidding.

Hey, I'm glad-- Hey, look, I gave up
a colonoscopy to be here, all right? So...

This is a big deal for me, too,
so thank you for coming.

Daggum good-looking folks in Illinois.
I'll tell you that much.

I love you,
which begs the question,

"What state are you from?"

[all laughing]

I'm only serious.

All right, anyway.

No, I'll see you at the house.
God bless you. Thank you.

We're gonna have fun tonight,
I tell you.

I'd done a show last night,
and the folks that didn't walk out on me

really enjoyed it, so, uh...

I always like to picture everybody naked
when I first come out.

You know, I'm not nervous or nothing.
I'm just a pervert, so...

[all laughing]

Daggum, you need to put your clothes
back on right here.

-Aah, what is that?
-[crowd laughing]

[chuckles]

You should picture me
without clothes on.

Then you'd be laughing so hard,
I wouldn't have to tell any jokes up here.

Sorry about my outfit.
I just come from a wedding,

so I apologize for that, but...

It was a weird wedding, too.
They had the father-daughter dance.

They ended up leaving together.

[all laughing]

All right, one more joke like that,
I'm getting the hell out of here,

all right, 'cause th-that's uncalled for,
right there.

I guess I should do this. Git-R-Done!

[all cheering]

That's right, Git-R-Done!

You know, the first phrase--
That wasn't my original phrase.

The first one I'd come up with was

"Yipper-dipper-ripper-scripper!"

-[crowd chuckles]
-I know, right?

It wouldn't fit on a hat, plus,
I don't know what the hell it means!

All right?

No idea.

I was going to, uh, work out,
this morning,

but, I, uh-- I woke up with a sweat,

so I figured I already
had done there, so, uh...

[crowd laughing]

Almost didn't make it here tonight. Uh...

I hate flying in airplanes.
I had to fly to meet my bus,

and I hate flying them daggum airplanes,

and the daggum airport
wouldn't let me bring

my emotional support stripper with me
on the airplane.

[all laughing]

I ain't kidding.
When that plane gets a-goin' like that,

if I can't motorboat a pair of titties,
I'm in trouble.

-[all laughing]
-All right?

It was so windy where I live one time,

I lost my hat, two cigars,
and my neighbor's house.

Lost his house,
'cause one of my cigars blowed

in his trailer and burned
his house down, all right?

So let's keep that to ourselves.

It got out of control, too,
it burnt down Cheryl's she-shed.

-[all laughing]
-All right?

That's right.
Now you know the whole story right there.

You know the whole story.

Tonight's a special night for me.

Tonight is the 10-year anniversary
when my hometown

gave me the keys to the city
and had a little parade for me.

-So, uh, thank you so much.
-[applause]

Thank you.
Remain seated. Thank you.

And tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary,

again, when they, uh, changed
all the locks in the city, all right?

Well, it's cold wintertime again.
Do you like the winter?

-[crowd moaning]
-I hate it.

I like summer better than winter.

That winter kills me.
My weenie's been an innie

for the last five days in here.
Can't-- I ain't kiddin'.

I could flash a cop
and not get in any trouble right now.

It snowed the other day.

I can only pee my initials
in the snow, all right?

But my upper body loves cold weather.

My lower body can't handle it.

I wish they'd get together on the weather.

It gets cold out... [clicks tongue]

You could play "This Little Piggy"
on my daggum nipples.

He hates you, but they love--

These little piggies went to market!

Yeah, well, that little hog
stayed home, all right?

I guarantee you that.

It's cold everywhere.

I was in Los Angeles, California.

It's so cold, I'd seen a junkie

with his tongue stuck
to the spoon, all right?

My wife's from Wisconsin.

You think you guys get cold?
Go to Wisconsin.

Holy smokes.
We was up there Thanksgiving.

You know how cold it was up there?

How cold was it?!

That sucked!

-Um...
-[all laughing]

It was so cold in Wisconsin,

the ice cream machine at McDonald's
was working.

[all laughing]

Now, I like hot weather.

I like when it's hot and humid.
I love that.

I lived in Florida for a long time.
I love hot and humid.

It was so hot down there one time,

I seen a squirrel putting talcum powder
on his nuts.

[all laughing]

Now, I don't like it
when it's hot and humid

and I gotta wear blue jeans everywhere.

Holy mackerel, walking like this.

Uh, we could film four episodes
of Swamp People in my pants, all right?

It was bad. I went in for a physical,

dropped my underbritches,
three mushrooms fell out.

-All right?
-[all laughing]

I ain't kiddin'!

That explains why I kept getting followed
by that truffle pig right there.

I knew that much.

I was two days away from them
declaring my crotch a wetland area.

[crowd chuckling]

But they try to scare everybody now
with the heat, don't they?

Try to scare you,
make it hotter than it is.

When I was growing up,
99 degrees was 99 degrees.

Now it's 99 degrees out,

but the feels like temperature's 103.

It feels like? Who come up with that?

A fisherman?
The "feels like" temperature?

Stupid! You know what?
My wiener's three inches,

but it feels like nine!

[all laughing and clapping]

It's ridiculous.

It's ridiculous.

Well, my wife sent me up
to the grocery store

all by myself the other day
to get some feminine products.

You know.

Celery, carrots, lettuce.

[all laughing]

Heh! I had to buy some chewing tobacco

so I don't look like
a pajama boy sissy in there.

Anybody chew tobacco?

[man] Yeah!

That guy. Ma'am, you.
All right, perfect. That's good.

I like chewing tobacco, but I only do it

'cause it keeps you from eating sugar
and eating bad food late at night, so...

you can see that's working out real good
for me right now. That's--

Now I'm fat, and I got bad teeth!
What the hell?

I hate that grocery store self-checkout.

What in the world?

All the enjoyment of working at the store

without the satisfaction
of getting a paycheck.

That's always nice.

You like self-checkout?

I hate it. Every time I go in there,

I get stuck behind some idiot
trying to find a bar code

on a cucumber in there.

[crowd chuckling]

You ever done this?
You ever buy a Kit Kat bar?

You got like 12 items,
you got a Kit Kat bar,

and then they look at you and go,

"You gonna take that,
or you want that in a bag?"

That's when you know you're a fat-ass
right there, all right?

I know.

They pissed me off last week.

They done that with potato salad
I had in there.

I know! And they put a napkin
and a fork on the daggum thing for me!

[blows raspberry]
Excuse me. Have you, uh...

Have you ever seen somebody
at the grocery store--

You ever seen a fella in there
staring at a head of cabbage?

I was up there one time.
I seen a dude all by himself

staring at a head of cabbage.
I got a theory about that.

That guy's wife sent him up there
to get a head of lettuce.

[all chuckling]

All cabbage ought to come
with a label on it

that says, "This is not
what your wife wants you to buy."

Three days before Thanksgiving,

my wife sends me up to the grocery store
to get some yams.

45 daggum minutes,
I'm looking for yams.

I can't find a daggum yam.

I come home.
I said, "They ain't got no yams up there."

She goes, "You mean to tell me
three days before Thanksgiving,

they don't got no sweet potatoes
at the grocery store?"

[crowd chuckling]

"I'll be right back."

-[crowd cheering]
-Yeah.

Christmas is my favorite time of year,
it goes too quick.

But, you know, at our house,
we celebrate Christmas every day,

and I'll tell you why.
Two reasons.

Number one, we love the Lord Jesus.
He was born on Christmas Day.

-That's why we celebrate it. And, uh...
-[crowd cheering]]

Number two,
my sister looks like Burl Ives.

[all laughing]

I don't eat good at Christmas,
I'll tell you that much.

I got a Fitbit on Christmas Eve,
I put it on, it dialed 911.

[all laughing]

You know what killed me
at Christmas last year foodwise?

The Kentucky Fried Chicken
12 day Advent Calendar.

Holy smokes!
Them five golden wings had me

turtle-doving all the way to the bathroom.

I guarantee you.

I ain't kidding.
I could have dropped my pants

and dropped a partridge out of a pear tree
right there, I guarantee you.

Every time I start getting
a little too fat at Christmas,

so my kids will buy me a Christmas gift
to hint around that I'm too fat.

You know what they got me last year?

A petri dish with flesh-eating bacteria.

[all laughing]

We run our kids up
to the Walmart last year

to see the Christmas Village up there.

We wasn't there more than 10 minutes.

Somebody was already running a meth lab
out of the gingerbread house.

[all laughing]

The hell?

I mean, I love shopping at Walmart,

but daggum, that's like

a meth maker's paradise
in there, ain't it?

[chuckles]

Walmart's the only store in the world
you can go and see somebody

buying 16 boxes of cough syrup
and some garden hose,

nobody thinks that's weird.

[all laughing]

You ever shopped at Walmart
after midnight? Holy smokes!

Ho, they ought to charge a cover charge
in there after midnight.

Daggum, it's like a casting call for
Ripley's Believe It Or Not in that place.

If you've never been to the circus,
go to Walmart after midnight.

You're bound to see a couple
of bearded women,

a toothless wonder, and the fattest man
in the world on a scooter up there.

They got good deals
after midnight, though.

Last time I was up there after midnight,

75% off self-esteem.

[all chuckling]

That's right. I walked in there like this.
I walked out like this.

I was like this. Oh.

-[audience cheering]
-That's right.

You can get everything at Walmart.

Except good customer service.

Holy smokes!

Here's my impression
of the hiring practices at Walmart.

Let me ask you this.

Have you ever cared about anything
in your entire life?

[all laughing]

[sighs]

No? All right.
You start Tuesday, all right?

[chuckles] We'll put you
in the DVD department.

My wife wanted to go to Walmart.
She's trying to find the cheapest mop,

she could get for something she was doing,
so we go to Walmart and get a mop, $4.95.

Go up there to pay for the mop,
and the lady goes,

"You wanna buy the protection on this?"

[all chuckling]

You know what? I think we're gonna
risk it this time, all right?

Got a 95% chance
we're gonna throw that away

when we're done with it, anyways.

At our Super Walmart,
you can get your hair cut.

They got everything!
My buddy got his haircut at Walmart.

$20 for a haircut.

Actually, $5 for a haircut,

$15 for the hat you gotta wear
the next three weeks, all right?

Got a doctor's office up at the Walmart.
Holy smokes!

People going in there.
I was there the other day.

They gave a guy three minutes
to live in there.

And he ended up getting hired
as a door greeter

once he walked out that door.

[all laughing]

[chuckles] I had to go get
a flu shot one time.

I didn't wanna go to the doctor,
and my wife goes,

"Well, shoot! Run up to Walmart.
They're giving flu shots!"

Are you kiddin' me?

I ain't gettin' a flu shot at Walmart!

Daggum. Normally I gotta get vaccinated
before I go in there!

[all laughing]

Get a flu shot at Walmart!

The flu's the last thing I'm worried about
at Walmart, all right?

Daggum, they probably got Ebola
behind a box in there somewhere

I didn't know about.

I was up there one time.
There's a dude up front in a hazmat suit!

I'm like, "Is it safe to go in there?"

He goes, "Yeah, why?"
I go, "You're in a hazmat suit!"

He goes, "No, I work here.
I'm collecting the carts."

[all laughing]

So every time I go up my local Walmart,
I'm friends with a lot of folks up there,

but every time I go up there,
I see Doug. I always wave to Doug.

I walk in, "What's up, Doug?"
Doug kinda, "Hey."

You know, every time,
"Hey, Doug!"

Let me ask you something.

Have you ever called somebody
the wrong name for about five years?

[all laughing]

[laughing]

They don't even acknowledge
you're calling 'em the wrong name?

They just make you look
like a douche bag for five years.

Well, I finally got to talking
to Doug three days ago.

Her name's Denise.

[all laughing and applauding]

[chuckles]

So my buddy rented out--

He wanted to save money
on his wedding.

He rented out a Walmart,
got married at a Walmart.

It was unbelievable.

Got married in the jewelry department,

and we had the reception
in the deli over there, and...

we all got our pictures took
in the photo booth,

and then we left, and they had
their honeymoon in the men's room.

It was unbelievable, and there's--

It was a wedding made in China.

Let me ask you this.
Have you ever gotten a wedding invitation

from somebody that you barely know?

What the hell?

It's like gettin' a bill in the mail.

I hate weddings.

I was in one a while back,
holy smokes!

I ain't saying the bride was overweight,
but whoo!

My buddy caught the garter belt.

He's still been using it to tie up
cordwood on his pickup truck, all right?

Boy, these were some--
You should have seen the bridesmaids!

Their corsages was personal pan pizzas,
all right?

[crowd laughing]

I ain't kiddin' with you.

They all went to school together.
They was in the same sorority,

so they had their sorority shirts on,
you know, "Thelma Eda Tater."

My uncle just got married, 72 years old.

My golly.
He run out of Viagra on the honeymoon.

So he ended up having to use
a can of Fix-a-Flat.

[all laughing]

I know. To make a long story short,

he overinflated, and, uh...

spent the rest of the night at Jiffy Lube

having to get a patch
put on him down there.

Hey, this is crazy.
True story. Check this out.

My mother-in-law, last month,

won $400 in a hot-dog-eating contest.

It's unbelievable, $400!

40 hot dogs in 10 minutes, she ate.

I couldn't believe it!

[scoffs] My mother-in-law
not talking for 10 minutes!

[all laughing]

[applause]

I know.

Oh, she talks.

I know!

She can talk.

She's the only woman at the beach
getting melanoma on her tongue,

all right? I guarantee you.

I'm not a big gambler. My--

My grandma, holy mackerel.

I'm not saying
she's addicted to Blackjack,

but she's got a medical alert bracelet on

that says, "In case of emergencies,
split the kings."

[all laughing]

My wife likes to go with me
when I go to Las Vegas,

'cause she likes to go see
the Chippendales.

Yeah.

You know why she likes going
to the Chippendales?

Why, Larry?

She didn't marry very good.

[all laughing]

She married a chunkendale.

[all laughing]

She gives me money to put my clothes
back on's what she does.

I like going out there to Las Vegas.
That's where you see all the 1970s-80s

classic rock bands singing out there,
you know? I like them bands.

[cheering]

Yeah, the only difference between
seeing them bands now and 30 years ago,

30 years ago, go backstage,
smell that pot everywhere,

and now it smells like pot and Bengay,
you go back of them things.

They all still got long hair, too,
Ain't that somethin'?

Unfortunately, it's coming out their nose
and ears on most of them fellas in there.

Here's one thing you never wanna hear

a classic rock band say
when you go to the concert.

"Here's one off our new album."

"Honey, let's go get a beer.
Nobody wants to hear that bullshit."

-[audience laughing and clapping]
-No, sir!

I went to see Molly Hatchet,
and that was awesome right there.

I like old Molly Hatchet.

You know what was cool about it?
After the concert was over, true story,

I got to go in the lobby
and take a picture

with all the cardboard cutouts
of the original members.

[all laughing]

I like going to the buffets out there,
to casino buffets. They delicious.

You ever been to the all-you-can-eat
pasta buffet at the casino?

Holy smokes! That's the day
I got red-flagged by the Plumbers Union

right there, I'll you what? Whoo!

I had to keep a hard hat by the toilet
for three weeks after I went in there.

You ever use all the paper and have
to end up finishing with the tube?

Have you ever done that at all, anybody?

I haven't done it.
I'm asking if you've had to do that!

I ain't done that!

[crowd chuckling]

We got a winner right here.
We got a winner.

[cheering and applaud]

[chuckles]

People got no manners
at them daggum buffets.

There was a guy
actually sitting at the buffet!

Pissed me off. I walk up there,

"You know, you ain't supposed
to stick your face right in the dag--"

[grunts] I felt bad
he was in a wheelchair.

Oh, man.

Believe me, I felt bad.

Not as bad as I felt, though,

when I pushed him out of the way,
I'll tell you that much.

"Get out of the way, roller boy."

I'm about to make
some bad decisions right here."

[chuckles]

I love that Golden Corral,
that's a good restaurant right there.

Oh, that is good in there.

They ought to have a scoring system
at Golden Corral

like they do in bowling, you know?

Walk in there to eat, they put
your name up on the TV screen

and show everybody how much food
you ate after 10 trips to the buffet.

You can pick teams and compete
with other fat folks in there,

and that'd be something.

"Hey, sweetheart,
where's my stretch pants?"

It's League Night
at Golden Corral tonight."

I'd seen a couple get engaged
at the Golden Corral.

Hey, fellas, here's a tip.

If you're gonna ask your girl
to marry you at a Golden Corral,

get down on two knees and do it,
so she can't kick you in the nuts.

[all laughing]

[clapping]

I was down in Branson. They got stuff
down there, buffets, holy smokes.

They got an international buffet
in Branson.

It is crazy.
They got food all the way from Memphis.

Got a double-decker buffet.
They got a double decker.

One of the world's largest buffets,
double decker, spiral staircase.

All right, that's just what
all us fat folks

have been clamoring for out there,

a buffet with a staircase.

Oh, damn! I'm gonna get some more

of them doughnut holes.
"They're upstairs."

You know what? I'm all right, I guess.
I'll be all right.

I'll stay down here, get some meatballs,
put some powdered sugar on them.

That's what I'd do right there.

Lot of old folks down there in Branson
riding them scooters down there.

I find that crazy. These folks have lost
their driver's license two decades ago,

but they're gonna go ahead
and let them have motorized vehicles

in a room full of pedestrians
at the buffets down there.

Trying to get food, they're zipping by
like it's a drive-through.

[blows raspberry]

I went up to get some potato salad.
It was like I was in a live Frogger game

all of a sudden. You go like that.

What the hell? [screams]

I finally got hit head-on by some old dude
trying to text and drive.

He's trying to send a crotch shot
to Tinder, apparently.

I was, uh...

at a restaurant one time.

You ever been to these restaurants,
and you go to the bathroom?

It can be any restaurant
that you go to the bathroom,

and then go take a leak in there,

and they got a sign that says,
"All employees must wash hands."

That scares the hell out of me
right there.

They need a sign to tell these folks
to wash their hands?

I mean, what the hell?
Makes me wonder what kind of sign

they got back in the kitchen
we can't see back there!

Don't snot in the coleslaw.

[all laughing]

Don't drip your scrotum in the salsa.

[crowd screaming in laughter]

[chuckles] I know.
Hey, that actually happened one time.

That's a true story.
You remember that story?

A waiter was mad at a customer,
dipped his scrotum in the salsa!

[groans] That's why I always order
the hot cheese dip.

-[all laughing]
-Yeah.

[chuckles] That's right.

Most of your waiters
aren't that dedicated, all right?

We live in a great country, though.
I'll tell you what?

These people bitch about our country.
This is an awesome country.

We got-- You realize there's a buffet
on every street corner in this country?

Other people starving.
You ever see that starving kid commercial?

For eight cents a day, you can feed

a starving child--
Eight cents a day?

Daggum, you can't keep a gerbil alive
for eight cents a day!

Daggum, I go through 270 bucks a day,
and I'm on a diet.

[all laughing]

Reading an article in the paper
the other day, and...

fella jumped off some mountain
with one of them kites, Batman kites,

and it didn't work, and he slammed
into something. It killed him,

and it said,

"Diver dies 'cause of freak accident."

Freak acc-- That ain't a freak accident!

Y-You jumped off a building
with a kite on your back!

That's a dumbass accident,
is what that is.

A freak accident?

Ain't no freak ac--
I'll tell you what a freak accident is.

You're down there at the local, you know,
stop-and-shop down there

and getting gas, and unbeknownst to you,

there's two clowns in a knife fight,

and one of them falls
and stabs you in the face.

That's a freak accident right there,
all right?

[laughter and applause]

[crowd cheering]

Yeah, buddy!

Read another article one time.
This is why I don't like polls.

I see an article. They said
they polled in Washington, D.C.

They polled 2,500 women,

said, "Now that Bill Clinton's way older,

would you sleep with Bill Clinton?"

Unbelievable!

94% said, "Not again!"

[all laughing]

Thank you. Good night.
Thank you so much!

Good night. Thank you.
All right, I'll stay. I'll stay.

All right, you convinced me.
I'm gonna hang out for a while.

Remain seated.

Stupid polls.
"Well, the polls indicate--"

I ain't ever been polled.
You ever been polled?

I haven't been polled. Been polled?
Been polled? Been polled?

There's only one poll I ever trusted.
That's the polls I do at my shows.

And I'd done one last night,
and I believe this.

I polled all my audience last night.

87% of them said
at this point in time during my show,

they want their money back.

[all laughing]

[woman] No!

I've been, uh--
Well, you's one of the 13%.

[all laughing]

87-13, yeah! 13% right there!

Yeah! Right?

I know my daggum math!

-[crowd cheering]
-[laughing]

You know, I work a lot of fairs.
I love working fairs.

It's awesome, 'cause I grew up in fairs!

And I love fairs-- What has happened to
the clientele at the fairs lately, though?

Holy smokes.
I was up there the other day.

There's a dude walking
like he's bleeding from the nose,

you know, walking like
he's got a daggum fart stuck sideways,

heading down that thing down there.

Looked like a Greyhound bus overturned.
He came walking in,

trying to get help or something.

I mean, it's unbelievable at these fairs.

By the way, anybody ever ride
a Greyhound bus?

I used to ride them back in the early days
of comedy, holy smokes!

Only thing slower than a Greyhound bus
is the people on the daggum bus.

They're a good value, though.
I went from Sanford, Florida,

all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska,
one time, $49.

Oh, man! 119 days!

-[all laughing]
-[sighs]

Holy smokes!

And the big selling point at the time was,
"Now with more leg room."

What they needed was more head room
so I could have hung myself

halfway through the trip!

-[man] Git-R-Done!
-Git-R-Done.

So I won one of 'em big stuffed animals
one time at the fair,

which I hated, 'cause I had
to carry it around the whole time.

And I win something,
and the guy goes, "What do you want?"

and I said, "Well, give me
that goofy-lookin' minion right there,

that little minion."
He says, "What?"

I said, "That goofy lookin' minion
with the purple hat right there!"

He goes, "That's the manager!"

[all laughing]

You ever ride the rides at the fair?

They scare the heck out of me.

My little boy goes, "Daddy,
can we ride the roller coaster?"

"We ain't ridin' a roller--
You do realize, son,

they put that up in an hour
in a parking lot, all right?"

Probably got a bunch of parts left over
on that daggum thing.

"Remember last Christmas when I got you
that bicycle and put it together

"in 50 minutes, and you got on it,
the wheels fell off,

"and you racked your nuts,
remember that whole day right there?"

That's gonna happen to you
on that rollercoaster right there."

He's like, "Come on, Daddy!"

"No, we're not doing it. That's it!"

So we're on the roller coaster there,
and, uh...

Ugh!

I was so mad.
I almost puked on that thing.

It went upside down. [groans]

I get done, I go,
"You didn't tell me it went upside down."

The guy running it goes,
"It's not supposed to."

[all laughing]

How about that Ferris wheel?
You like that Ferris wheel?

[sighs] Me, either!

Oh, yeah, the Ferris wheel,
that's a lot of fun, isn't it? Yeah.

Nothing I like better in the whole world

than being completely bored and terrified
at the same time.

[chuckles] Which, by the way,
is the same thing my wife told me

on our honeymoon right there,
all right?

[chuckles] You ever get stuck
on the Ferris wheel?

Oh, man! I was up there with my kids.
We was stuck.

They was crying, freaking out.

Trying to calm 'em down.
"Don't worry, kids. We'll be all right."

"I'm sure that guy running it with seven
fingers and a pentagram tattoo, all right,

"I'm sure, I'm sure he'll have us down
in no time here."

"Soon as he's done smoking that joint,

I'm sure we'll be right down
out of this deal."

Anybody ever been to the fair
on Senior Day?

[all chuckling]

I went on Senior Day.

Most popular ride on Senior Day is
the ambulance on the way out of the fair.

Daggum, there's one leaving the scrambler
every two minutes in there.

Best part about Senior Day, though,

it only lasts from 3:30 to 5:00,
so that's a good thing.

They got special prizes on Senior Day.

I saw an old guy
bust a balloon with a dart,

and he won a pair of Depends

with a picture of Def Leppard
on it right there.

The food's different on Senior Day.

The fried foods.

Anybody ever have fried Lipitor?

[all laughing]

They got a guy that guesses your weight
at the fair.

They need somebody to guess
your cholesterol level in there.

I had a buddy of mine used to do that.

He used to try to guess
people's weight at the fair.

I went with him one time, and...

this girl come up there.
She goes, "What do you do?"

He goes, "I guess people's weight."

She goes, "How do you win?"

I mean, she was a looker.
You could tell.

[crowd laughing]

He goes, "Well, I guess your weight,
and then you get on a scale."

if I'm five pounds either way,
I win, you lose."

She goes, "I'm gonna do it."

He's like, "All right. Uh, oof."

"317."

[crowd laughing]

She gets on there,
"Ha ha, you lose! 345!"

I'm like, "He loses? Are you kiddin' me?"

"I got John Deere attachments
that weigh less than you do right now."

"Congratulations. You're blimp worthy."

[all laughing]

But you can gain weight at the fair.

It's all fried, heavy-- You like the--
You ever eat the corn dogs at the fair?

-[audience clapping] Oh, yeah!
-Oh, I love 'em!

Holy smokes! Have you seen
the size of the fair corn dogs?

Holy smokes! I'm not saying they're big,

but I was eating one at the rodeo,
and the horse come by and winked at me.

-[crowd laughter and applaud]
-[sighs]

-[laughs]
-[man wolf-whistles]

They're good value, though.
They're only a dollar.

But what they don't tell you,
it's another $75

for 'em to come out to your house
and snake your toilet, all right?

They neglect to tell you that.

I'll tell you what I really hate
at the fairs.

The Porta Potties they got lined up there.

Oh, what a disgusting,
wretched stuff that is.

They ought to have a midway game
where you can win

scented candles and fly swatters,
you know what I mean?

I don't go in 'em anymore. Uh-uh!

I was in a Porta Potty five months ago,

and, no lie, my eyebrows
just grew back last Tuesday, all right?

I don't go in them Porta Potties.

When I'm at the fair,
I take a plastic bag,

and I pee in a ziplock plastic bag.
That's what I do.

My wife's like, "Put that away.
You're embarrassing me!"

"What do you mean embarrassed?
You ought to walk proudly."

It looks like I won you a goldfish
over there!"

The fish right there.

[laughing]

It's catching on, too.
My buddy walked by.

"Hey, Larry, look!
I'm doin' it, too! Look at that!"

I'm like, "I told you that--
Uh-uh, you're not supposed to poop in it!"

"What are you doing?"

Get it out of here!
Get it out of here!"

You ever see what some folks
wear at the fair?

It's almost they ain't got
a mirror at the house.

I'd seen a guy, about 326 pounds,

wearing Lululemon shorts.

What in the world?
He bent down to pick something up,

I could see his Lulu and his lemons,
all right?

-Daggum...
-[all laughing]

"Get up. You're scaring my kids.
This is ridiculous."

Couple of years ago, my grandma,
uh, playing bingo at the fair...

won her a spa package.

But to be honest, I think they gave her
the wrong package.

Uh, she said that she was able
to tolerate the Botox...

but during the Brazilian wax,
she farted and blinded the attendant.

[audience laughs]

[scattered applause]

[sighs]

Lord, I apologize for that right there,

and be with the starving pygmies
down in New Guinea. Amen.

-[mouthing] Listen, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
-[audience cheering]

[audience applauds]

I saw my grandma topless...

two weeks ago. [sighs]

That's the last time I let her drink
before a concert,

I'll tell you that much. Daggum!

It was embarrassing.

It was windy out,
so her boobies was flying around

like one of them inflatable wind dancers
in front of an oil change shop.

-You know what I mean?
-[audience laughing]

It was horrible. The Oak Ridge Boys
didn't even want to do an encore

after they saw that.

"Thanks a lot, Grandma.
Your flapping titties just cost me

an encore of "giddy up oom poppa
maow maow" right there, all right?

[scattered applause]

I'm kidding. My grandma--
My grandma's awesome.

She's actually a widower.
She's trying to--

She's trying to meet some fellas now.

She's on one of them, uh,
elderly dating services.

She went on the Internet,
Metamucil Mingle.

-She's been on that there for a while.
-[audience laughs]

I think she's on medical marijuana.
I ain't sure, but...

she gave us a quilt the other day
made out of Taco Bell wrappers,

so there's something going on there.

[audience applauds, laughs]

We almost lost my granddad.
He's 93 years old. He almost passed away--

We almost lost him on the toilet.
He almost died on the toilet.

Boy, what a way to go right there.

[sighs] Can you imagine
dying on the toilet?

I mean, what do you say to the relatives
at the wake to make 'em feel better?

I mean, that's a tough one there.

"Eh, Mrs. Eggerhof, we're..."

"we're real sorry to hear about Ed.
Man, that's... [sniffles]

[sighs] "But at least he died
doing what he loved.

-"You know, that's--"
-[audience laughing]

"We-- We heard he fought
'til the bitter end,

and that's the thing."

"He-- He wasn't a quitter,
so he got it out."

"We're excited, and that's nice.
We're gonna light a match tonight

and remember him at midnight,
and, hopefully..."

[scattered laughter, applause]

I read a story one time. A fella got bit
by a snake sitting on the toilet.

He got interviewed. He said,

"First thing I thought was I need
to call animal control."

-That's the first thing he thought?
-[scattered laughter]

If I got bit by something,
the first thing I'd think is,

"What the hell did I eat last night?"

[audience chuckles]

"Daggum.
My food's circling back on me here."

[audience laughing]

We almost lost my grandpa.

He sat on one of 'em power flush toilets.
You ever seen them energy-savers?

You flush it. There's a--
[mimics flushing] It goes like that?

I mean, if you sit on it and flush,

it'll put a hickey on your hind end.
I guarantee you.

It will.

But he sat on there-- [mimics flush]
Flushed it. Boom!

Left nut down the drain.
I ain't kiddin' with ya.

True story! I wish it wasn't,
but that's a true story.

[laughing]

I'm trying to help him out.

I'm trying to yank him off
that thing right here.

It's stuck in that little tube hole
in there. [grunting]

It's like daggum Stretch Armstrong.
Like... [grunting]

And finally-- [sputters] It comes lose,
slow motion, right in my daggum head.

[mimics slow-motion yell]

It hits me. [mimics collision]
It was like them little knocker balls.

You ever seen them little knocker balls?

"Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!"

Bloodied my daggum nose.

[audience chuckling]

My wife's like, "What's going on in here?"

[sighs] "His twig and berries went MMA
on me, is what happened in here.

I have had it."

[sighs] I love him.

My grandpa, an alcoholic.

We had a family reunion here a while back.

We rarely get 'em, but we finally got
everybody paroled at the same time,

-so we were able to...
-[audience laughs]

My family's-- [sighs] What in the world!

Don't even wanna talk about 'em sometimes.

My brother, he's all stressed out now
'cause he's been reading the papers.

He thinks he's gonna
lose his job to a robot.

I didn't have the heart to tell him,
if he look in his wife's drawer,

he's already lost his job.

[audience laughs, applauds]

[whistling]

It's true.

It's true.

My sister-in-law, she's about 4'10",
290 lbs.

She used to model decoy stumps
down there at Cabela's many years ago.

She had her stomach stapled last week.
Nothing medically.

She was at work and accidentally
stapled some papers to her stomach there.

But my grandpa's an alcoholic.
He's drunk at the reunion.

I said, "Grandpa,
why do you drink so much?"

He said, "Look around.
I'm responsible for all this."

[audience laughs, applauds]

[whistling]

[Larry chuckles]

My cousin hates Halloween.

He hates Halloween, boy.
I don't mind Halloween.

Out cat died two days
before Halloween this year

so we left him in the yard
for extra decoration for the kids.

[audience laughs]

Do you dress up for Halloween?

[audience members] Yeah!

I did this year.
My buddy, I wanted to help him out.

He's got a health food business
he's starting, a little gym in there,

so I dressed up--
Put on a dress and went as a "trans-fat."

[audience laughing]

[whistling, cheering]

[sighs]

I always go with my kids
trick or treatin'.

You know, but here's the problem.

I'm very flattered people dress like me
when they trick or treat.

But it's weird when I go,
'cause I'm just hanging out with my kids!

They knock on the door,
people are like,

"Oh, look, little Batman,
little Superman."

Ah! Larry the Cable Guy!
That's a good costume!"

Then I always hear somebody
from the back of the room.

"Who is it?"
"He's dressed like Larry the Cable Guy."

Then I hear, "Ugh! That guy sucks!"

[audience laughs]

What the hell? Next time, I'm gonna go
as Foxworthy, all right? How's that?

-That's right. [chuckles]
-[whistling]

-I don't care if anybody thinks he sucks.
-[whistling continues]

[groans] Ugh!

Anyway, my cousin hates Halloween.
Hates it.

He says to me, "I am so sick and tired
of Halloween."

"I'm trying to watch the daggum TV show."

"'Trick or treat?' Every two minute--
'Trick or treat.'"

Gotta get up and give them candy."

I'm like... "[sighs] Calm down. [chuckles]
Buddy, you ain't gotta participate."

There's ways you can get around
the Halloween and kids."

You know what he did? Went down
and registered as a sex offender.

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "You do know all you gotta do
is turn your porch light off, right?"

[laughing] You do know that?"

He goes, "You think I've done
something stupid?"

"Yeah, I think you've done
something stupid!"

You're the Sheriff, for heaven's sake!"

-[mouthing indistinctly]
-[audience laughing]

[scattered applause]

I always check my kids' candy
for poisons and razor blades.

"Hold on, kids. You can't eat that yet."

"I gotta check 'em for poisons
and razor blades."

They come down later on.
"Where's all our candy?"

"We live in a pretty bad neighborhood.
I'll be honest with ya."

"I swear we're gonna move next year.
I promise that."

"They ruined everything?"
"No, not everything."

"They didn't touch that box
of raisins in there, but they..."

Tell you what. Them Butterfingers,
they was riddled with poison in there."

[audience laughs]

I can't eat like that no more.
It sucks getting fat!

Man, I'm trying to lose some weight.
I gotta do something.

It's ridiculous! Ugh!

I got on the trampoline the other day
with my kids.

I had two jumps, had to get off!
I wasn't tired or nothing.

I had to get a ladder
to get my boy out of a tree.

[audience laughs]

And it stinks, gettin' older and fatter!

And I used to be something
back in the day, boys.

I used to be something!

I did. I used to run cross-country.

You Google it.
I think I still hold the state record

for taking the most shits in the woods.

[audience laughs]

But I'm on a diet now.

I'm eating nothing but Fruit Loops.
But my wife has me on a...

[audience laughs]

My wife has me on a diet now
where I can have one cheat day.

So I can have a hamburger
with the cheese and the bun...

one day a week.

[quickly] Or anytime I drive by
a fast-food restaurant

when she's not with me in the car.

-All right, not there.
-[audience laughing]

[loud whistle]

[normally] She's a stickler, too,
I tell you what.

She'd be up there sleeping,
2:30 in the morning.

Dog go down there
and bark at the door for ten minutes,

she don't hear nothing. She's racked out.
I gotta go down there and let the dog out.

So next day, I go down. I'm kinda hungry.

I pour a little-- little bowl
of Cap'n Crunch down there.

I hear, "Get out of the Cap'n Crunch!"

[audience laughing]

"What the hell?

I should have barked when I poured
that Cap'n Crunch in there,

is what I should've done.

It sucks gettin' old and fat,
I'll tell you.

I remember when my beard turned white,

my-- my wife was, like,
trying to comfort me.

"Oh, that's okay, honey. I like somebody

with a little salt and pepper
in their beard."

Made me feel a little better.

Then she goes, "It's the corn
in your teeth that's disgusting."

-All right?
-[audience laughs]

I was gonna say broccoli,
but none of y'all

believe I eat broccoli.

-All right, so I ain't saying that.
-[audience laughing]

[sighs] Here's the thing
about getting older.

You start losing your daggum memory.

I can't-- I have a hard time
remembering stuff now.

It's so frustrating.

Have you ever left your groceries
on the roof of your car?

Yeah? For three weeks?

-You ever did that?
-[audience laughing]

I'm a hypochondriac.
I always think I'm dying of something.

I'm freaking out.

Had a red blotch right there one time
for a week, it's freaking me out.

So I go get a biopsy on it.

Tested positive for picante sauce.

[audience laughing]

[sighs] Idiot! Cost me $1,000 to do that!

Good news is, he wrote me
a prescription for napkins,

so that was pretty good, I guess.

I always think I'm dying.

Don't ever look nothing up
on the Internet,

'cause it ain't good.

It's always lupus or Lou Gehrig's,
that's what it is,

one of them two.

I think I got both of them damn diseases.

Seen a commercial the other day
for breast implant leakage.

I had every damn symptom
of a breast implant leakage in there.

These stupid things.

I ain't kidding with you.

Don't ever look it up. It's always lupus.

Except for one time
I had a lump right here. Honest.

"What in the hell?" I look it up.
"Ah, brain cancer That's--"

[audience laughs]

"That's it for me. I'm a dead man.
I got brain cancer."

You never learn nothing on the Internet,
medically, looking it up.

Except one time, I did.
I found out that jock itch

is also the name of a porn star in France.

[laughing]

And what is it
about getting in your mid-50s,

your big toe nail's like
a manhole cover all of a sudden?

Holy smokes!
I went to clip it the other day,

the pin popped
out of the clipper system in there.

Holy smokes! Finally, I chip it off,

hits my kid in the head,
knocks him out,

he's bleeding from the eyeball.

[audience laughing]

I hate the waiting room, too,
the walk-in clinic.

Holy smokes, nobody's got
any manners in there, you know.

Everybody's sitting in there,
hawking, hacking,

coughing, farting, burping, belching--
What the heck?

Then you go see the nurse,
"What are you here to see the doctor for?"

"Well, it was a chest cold.

Now I think I got
hepatitis after being in there and..."

Gotta go in there and wait
ten hours for something.

I could walk in there on bloody nubs,
pulling my legs in a wagon in there...

gotta sit for six hours.

I ain't sitting nowhere
over an hour if I...

ain't got a wine list
or something in there.

[audience chuckling]

Serve some beer. Boy, that'd be
a game changer right there, wouldn't it?

Walk-in clinics start serving wine?

[chuckles] "Excuse me, nurse.

What wine do you recommend
that goes with my itchy butthole?"

[audience laughing]

"Maybe a Boone's Farm? Maybe a cherry wine
or something like that or..."

Then I finally get in to see the doctor,

I got to wait on him in his room
for another 45 minutes.

Freezing cold,
I'm in a backless paper gown.

I'm a pair of high heels away
from Caitlyn Jenner

sitting in that office in there.

-[audience cheering]
-[thud]

-Daggum. Yeah!
-[whistling]

Then he comes in there,
and he looks at me.

He looks around me. He looks in me.

He lifts stuff up.
He sighs a couple of times.

It's like a bad episode of Storage Wars
every time I go to the doctor.

[audience laughs]

Then I spend all that money,
waste all that time.

You know what his diagnosis was?
"You're too fat."

-[audience chuckles]
-Yeah, no kiddin'.

What the hell? I could've stayed at home,
and my wife'd tell me that for free.

He's like,
"What are you gonna do about it?"

"I don't know. Hang out with people
fatter than me, I guess."

Maybe take a selfie next to a cement mixer
or something."

He's like, "Well, you need to eat better.
What did you eat last week?"

"I don't know. Go get my T-shirt."

[audience laughs]

He says, "I want you to join a gym."
I ain't joining a gym.

Last time I was down there,
I left a skid mark on the yoga mat.

I ain't going down to that gym.

[audience laughing]

He goes,
"Well, get on a treadmill then.

"Find a treadmill. Get on it.
But start slow, and ease into it."

I don't want you to have a heart attack."

Oh, that's comforting right there.

That's when you know
you're a fat-ass right there.

When cardiovascular exercise
is like Russian roulette all of a sudden.

"Honey, how much time
you doing on the treadmill?"

"I don't know. Hopefully 30 minutes.
I ain't sure, all right?"

"How'd he die?"
"Sweatin' to the oldies."

Weirdest thing I ever seen."

My buddy's all mad at his doctor,

'cause he's seen him driving
a brand-new Mercedes-Benz.

That's good. Means you got a good doctor.

I want my doctor to have
a brand-new Mercedes-Benz.

I don't want to be a hour and a half away
from open-heart surgery,

my doctor show up in a '78 Plymouth.

You know, the door open up,

a bunch of Pringles cans
come falling out of the thing.

[audience laughing]

It's like,
"He thinks he's better than me."

He is better than you. He's a doctor.

You're a bouncer-slash-cook
down there at Grits and Tits.

I will say, though,
and I hate admitting this,

but sometimes I do think...

that a doctor will talk you into
a real expensive surgery

just 'cause it's more money.

And I never used to think that way
'til after my hysterectomy, but...

[audience laughing]

I went and had a colonoscopy done.

Boy, you ought to see the looks
of the folks in that place.

The looks on their faces,
sittin' in there, waiting on a colon--

[chuckles] They all had that look
like Wile E. Coyote

seconds before he got hit by that anvil,
you know what I mean?

There was actually a guy sitting
in a corner,

holding up a sign that said, "Yikes."

They're all for-- And nobody's
nice to you. That's the thing.

I mean, not even the staff
is treating you nice.

And you know what's fi'ing to happen.

What in the hell?

I mean, even Jiffy Lube
puts out coffee and donuts.

[audience laughing]

And if I'm gonna go up there

and they're gonna start shoving stuff
up my hind end,

the least they could do
is put out some bear claws.

I was worried about that one.

I said, "Oh, I gotta get a colonoscopy."

My wife's like,
"What are you worried about?"

"Because they gonna put a camera
up my hind end."

She goes, "Well, your head's
been up there eight months."

[audience laughing]

All right, you do know
you're not funny, right?

Worst part of the colonoscopy
is the night before

when you gotta drink the "go juice."

Holy smokes!

I called waste management
to give 'em a heads-up is what I did.

"Hey, you better get some extra
knob turners down there, 'cause...

you're fi'ing to have a donnybrook
headed your way in five minutes."

Well, I was in there.
I was reading a medical journal thing

they had on the stuff they could do
and what they--

you know, all the operations they can do.

Boy, what a time to be alive.

I'd rather have a surgery now
than 50 years ago.

But some of the stuff they do--
I read this article.

They said they can now start to grow
female reproductive organs in petri dishes

for women that's born
with reproductive deformities.

Ain't that something?

Boy...

Like to be a kid now
and get that chemistry set,

I'll tell you that much. Holy smokes.

Ho.

"Hey, where's Larry at?"

"Uh, he's in the basement
hoeing his vagina garden down there."

-[chuckles] That's right.
-[audience laughing, clapping]

Tell you what. Git-R-Done. That's right.

Yeah, they come up with a Twinkie tree,

I'd never leave the house,
I guarantee you.

I guarantee you that.

[audience laughing]

I was in there.
There was a woman breast-feeding in there,

which is fine, that's what you do.

But if I'm being honest with you,

the kid had to be four years old.

[audience laughing]

-Isn't that weird?
-[woman in audience] Yeah.

I mean, I ain't a woman. I don't know,
but four seems a little weird to me.

I mean, I think
when you're breast-feeding,

when the kid starts to incorporate
salt shakers and a lime,

you know what I mean?

[chuckles] When he's like,
"Give me a squirt for my coffee,"

maybe he's a little too old for that,
you know, maybe.

Maybe it's time to get him
on the, uh, you know,

titty milk 12-step program
there in your area.

I remember when we had kids,

my wife used to have a breast pump,
and she'd pump bottles.

One time, she said,
"Hey... you wanna taste that?"

[chuckles]

No.

[audience laughing]

Ha. She's like, "Why? It's better for you
than cow's milk."

[chuckling] Yeah, all right, whatev--

Look, I've been on cow's milk
for some 50-odd years.

I'm doing pretty good, all right.
[chuckles]

Only people I've ever seen drink your milk
poop their pants eight times a day,

all right, so...

-[chuckles]
-[audience cheers]

-Ha. Ha. Yeah.
-[audience member whistling]

Word out on the street
is your product ain't that good.

-All right?
-[audience laughing]

I seen a little baby, one-year-old,
wearing glasses.

How'd they know a baby
needs glasses at one?

What, he go to breast-feed
and sucked the nose for nine months?

[audience laughing]

My neighbor's got a newborn baby.

And, uh, he fell in the toilet
the other day, so...

they got him sleeping in a bag of rice
this weekend.

[audience laughing]

I got kids. I love my kids so much,

but I tell you what, it's unbelievable...

how the Lord can create life.

I mean, it's unbelievable.

You just see that little baby's head
pop out,

you whole life is transformed and changed,
and you just love it so much,

and you cry, you know.

And then, ten years later,
that same thing,

you wanna slap the living piss out of it,
you know what I mean?

It's unbelievable, the whole different--

I remember when my little boy was born.

I was scared to hit a speed bump
leaving the hospital

for fear his head would go like that
and crack open or somethin'.

Here I am ten years later,
driving down the interstate

trying to drive,
trying to get the perfect whack

on the middle of his frickin' head.

And, uh, my wife's like,
"Be careful, you're gonna crash."

I don't give a shit.

I'll kill everybody in this car right now,
all right? I could care less.

I've had it with him right now.

[audience hooting]

It's ridiculous.

[audience hooting, whistling, clapping]

Yeah, the Pope came out and said,
"Married couples should have more kids."

That's easy for him to say.

Daggum Pope ain't got no kids.

How 'bout I drop my kids off
at the Vatican for a couple of hours?

How's that sound?

Yeah, see if they can get grape jelly
out of the Pope hat, all right?

[audience laughing]

That's why I never understood kidnapping.

Really? You wanna put up
with this bullshit?

Are you kiddin' me?

Holy-- You kidnap my kids,
they'd be back on the porch in two days

with an apology note
strapped to the side of them.

[audience hooting]

Oh, but I love 'em.

I don't care what age it is,
you put up with--

I love 'em so much, I tell you.

You know, I was gonna home school my kids,

and them my wife reminded me,
uh, we're idiots.

[audience laughing]

[Larry chuckling]

[chuckles] Hey, I was home schooled,
and I-I loved it.

I finished, uh, second in my class.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] It wasn't until two years ago,

my mom told me
that she'd made the dog valedictorian.

-I don't know what it is.
-[audience laughing]

I worry about my kids.
Oh, they're so sweet.

My little girl's such a sweetie,
and my little boy's got a kind heart.

And I just worry about bullies
in sch-- Oh.

You know, I was bullied
by a fourth grader one time,

and, oh, I hated every minute of it.
So I finally--

I went home and told my wife
she's gotta go pick the kids up,

'cause I can't handle it down there
no more.

Hey, you laugh. There's some
big-ass fourth graders out there.

I mean, this girl, she wasn't small.
I'll guarantee you that much.

Remembered Father's Day and my kids.

By the way, Father's Day is the biggest
piece of crap holiday they got out there.

That's where your wife and kids
take your money

and buy you crap you didn't want
to begin with. All right?

But my kids,

they're so sweet.
They drew a picture of me.

and put "We love you, Daddy" on it.

And-- Which is awesome.

And I felt so bad, because instead of me
going, "Man, I love my kids. This is--"

The only thing I could think...

when they gave it to me was...

"I'm not that fat, am I?"

[audience laughing]

And it bugged me, and I told them,

"Kids, I like the picture,
but I'm not that fat."

They're like, "Yeah, you are."
I'm like, "No, I'm not."

Yeah, so they took the picture
and held it up to my cellphone,

and it unlocked it.

[audience laughing]

Took a family vacation. Everybody wants
to go canoeing, which I didn't wanna do.

Canoeing's an old Indian word
that means "butt blisters."

[audience laughing]

Yeah, canoeing's a lot of fun
when you're a fat guy.

Yeah, that's a lot of fun right there.

My little boy's in the front.
I'm in the back.

Going down the river for five miles,
popping a wheelie, going in circles.

Got a catfish stuck to my nipple.
I can't get it off of there.

He's like,
"Why do I gotta wear a life jacket?"

Because if this thing tips over,
it'll keep you alive long enough

for me to save the Kentucky Fried Chicken
over there, all right?

[audience laughing]

You know what the difference
between canoeing with your wife

and canoeing with your little boy is?

[man] What?

When you're done canoeing,
your little boy is still talking to you.

[audience laughing]

[chuckling]

My wife's--
My wife's 13 years younger than me.

-[hooting]
-Git-R-Done.

I'll never forget the preacher's words.

"I now pronounce you husband
and incoming freshman."

You know who doesn't like it
when you marry younger women?

Older women. [chuckles]

Not all of them.
Just her mom and her aunt.

Here's the bad thing about being married
to somebody younger than you.

They're already ready to go out
and start doing stuff

you're sick and tired of doing.

You know? Like...

leaving the house.

[audience laughing]

Fourth of July, she's like,
"Let's go see the fireworks display."

"All right. What channel is it on?
I'll be down in a minute."

I know my wife loves me, though,

'cause she married me
looking like this. [chuckles]

The good thing about marrying
somebody that looks like this

is there ain't a lot to drop-off
on the years to go by.

You know, It's like buying a Kia,
you know?

Sure, it's a Kia, but it ain't gonna get
no shittier than that.

All right?

[audience laughing]

People said to me, "You know, your wife
only married you 'cause you're famous."

And I asked her. I said, "Did you marry me
'cause I'm famous?"

She said, "No. I married you
'cause you're rich." [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

What?

I'm just kidding. I did ask her, though.

I said, "Did you marry me
'cause I got money?"

She goes, "No. It's our money."

[audience laughing]

My wife... uh, I love her so much.
She goes to the spa every now and then.

And I can't ever figure the spa out.

I go, "Why do you go the the spa
all the time?"

"'Cause I like to sit in there and soak
and think about stuff and relax."

"Well, we got a tub at the house.
Can't you soak in the tub at the house?"

She goes, "Yeah, but at the spa,

you don't sit on the toilet
and stare at me."

[audience laughing]

My wife is sexy, too, boy.

She likes to talk when we make love.
That's sexy right there.

-[audience member hoots]
-Oh, I love that.

Make love every day.
She says stuff like, uh, "You okay?"

[audience laughing]

"Why's your face red?"

"Blink twice if you can hear me."

I'm like, "Get off my leg. Oh, my chest.
Ah, my chest. Get off. Get off."

Making love to my wife is like
having a stroke with a happy ending.

[audience laughing]

I feel bad for her, too,
'cause I'm not handy around the house.

[chuckles] I'm a comedian, you know?

One time, I put up a towel rack.
It fell off seven times.

So she went and got a stud finder,
and he put it up.

I went shopping with her one time.
And I hate this. Do I--

"Does this make me look fat"? I hate that.

I don't know. Look what I'm wearing.

Do you think I'm a fashion plate
right here?

"Honey, does this--
Do I look fat in this?"

"I don't know. How much is it?"

I'll tell you
if you look fat in it or not."

$400?

[imitates pig squealing]

-[audience cheering]
-[Larry chuckling]

Yeah. Anybody see the movie Cars?

-[audience whistling, cheering]
-All right, everybody seen that?

That's right. That's how I'm able
to afford these fancy britches right here.

-[man] Yeah.
-[Larry chuckling]

I got a funny story
to tell you about that.

Here's how I got that part.

John Lasseter told me that I didn't
have to audition or nothing.

He said he'd been to 200 celebrities,
150 voice-over artists.

He didn't have any clue.

One day left, picked up
Blue Collar Comedy CD.

He heard my voice. Said,

"That's my tow truck.
Get him on the phone."

[chuckles] That's how I got the job.

-It's the craziest thing ever.
-[audience cheering]

I was so thankful. I'm not kidding.

-[whistling from audience]
-So thankful.

So I go out there, and I'm nervous.
I go out there. I'm nervous.

It's John Lasseter and Pixar,
and he shows me around,

and he puts me in this booth,
and there's the script,

and he says, "All right.
Just wanna let you know that, uh...

"when we do these voices, I might, uh...

"have you do the same voice,

"same line, 12 times,
but don't think you're doing bad."

We just get a lot of takes."

And then I said,
"Okay, well how do you want--

"How is Mater?
Is he, kind of, a fast talker?"

He goes, "What do you mean?"
I go, "Well, just, I don't know."

He goes, "He's you. You're Mater."

I said, 'Well, yeah, but--"
"No, just be you."

I'm like, "All right."

So my first line was, "My name is Mater,
like 'Tuh-Mater' without the 'Tuh'".

So he did his line and he pointed at me,
and I just went,

"My name is Mater,
like 'Tuh-Mater' without the 'Tuh'".

And he started laughing and said,
"All right, we got it."

-[audience cheering]
-[Larry chuckling]

Yeah, right? [chuckles]

I think he might have done one more,
and that was it, and--

So now we do the whole movie.
It was awesome.

Everybody's great. Six years later,

we're on the Fantasy Cruise,

of Disney's Fantasy ship.

And it's the very first time
it ever went out there,

and they're all there,
all the Disney folks, the Pixar folks.

I did a show in the showroom and...

and I thought this was
the weirdest request, but I did it.

John Lasseter asked me to go up
and take the ship's microphone

and make a ship's announcement.

It goes all over the ship.

And then, once I'm done as Mater

telling everybody
thanks for coming on the ship,

then have Mater introduce you,

and you tell everybody
thanks for coming to your show.

And I thought, "Well, that's
kind of weird, but... [chuckles]

I'll go ahead and do it."

And we laugh every time we think about it,
but it's the actual...

uh, message I did on the boat.
This is what it sounded like.

"Hey, everybody. This is Mater,
like 'Tuh-Mater' without the 'Tuh.'"

"Boy, I tell you what, I'm happier
than a tornado in a trailer park

"that you come on this Fantasy Cruise,
and shoot, daggum,

"if you ever get to Radiator Springs,

"you and me will do us
some backward driving."

"All right, then, don't forget.
You and me, we is best friends."

"Now here's my buddy, Larry the Cable Guy,
to say something to you."

Hey, everybody.
This is Larry, the Cable Guy."

[audience laughing]

Same voice!

God bless you guys. Thank you so much...

for an awesome night tonight.

I hope you enjoyed everything,
and Git-R-Done!

-[audience cheering]
-[Larry] Thank you so much.

Thank you.

[theme music playing]