Original subtitles

THE CZECH STATE FUND FOR THE SUPPORT AND DEVELOPMENT OF CZECH CINEMATOGRAPHY

I made this journey tense with excitement

at what I might find at its end.

JARA CIMRMAN, RECUMBENT, DORMANT

Idea and Screenplay

If my suspicions proved correct, it would stun the cultural world.

Title role created by Zdenek Sverak et al.

While working on my latest book,

I read hundreds of as yet unedited theatre reviews.

There I encountered the name of an unknown playwright.

He isn't in the textbooks, His plays aren't in the archives.

Cast

Music

Sound

They were curious dramas.

They had premieres but were never repeated.

The author usually left hastily and by the back door.

Sometimes the audience hurled chairs at the stage as well.

Edited by

Yet there were always actors willing to work on his next play.

Production

Camera

Directed by

I decided to visit the place, where they say he was last seen.

- But you told me Liptakov. - No, I said Dvorak's Sychrov!

- Right after the pond, he said. - We're 120 kilometres wrong.

- Who was he, this Cimrman? - No idea, maybe a local poet.

Now we'll never get to Sychrov. Why don't we stop for a swim?

Is there anywhere we can swim here?

Look, a museum of feathers! Shall we go and take a look?

It's all one to me. Do as you please.

- Well, my friends... - Excuse me, Professor Kingsley...

Come with me, my friends, to this museum.

But Professor Kingsley has come from London because of Dvorak.

Just a moment, please.

- We must cope with this somehow. - How? We're 120 kilometres off!

What shall I tell him?

Say Dvorak spent his holidays here. Or his brother did.

Come friends, let us go!

I must explain to you...

The world's greatest writer, inventor, painter,

physicist, skier and philosopher

of the last 100 years

was the great Czech Jara Cimrman.

We may dispute the fact, we may even disagree,

but there is nothing else, that can be done about it.

Please follow me.

- How many of your are there? - Nineteen.

I'm not with this party.

Thank you.

You are standing in the last known residence of Jara Cimrman.

This shop belonged to Josef Lesner.

Now let us proceed to the adjacent room.

Kindly shut the door.

Here Lesner's family lived and stripped feathers in winter.

On the table you can see heaps of feathers.

When did Man actually first use feathers for warmth?

This is a bit boring. We'll go on to the next room.

WILD GOOSE CHICKEN PLUCKED - UNPLUCKED

This is the master's room.

The objects displayed were definitely used by Jara Cimrman.

Note the bed, chair and shelves supporting personal effects

and on the hanger the wool socks sported by Cimrman in bed.

The slippers have been left where he slipped them off.

BED

INK POT, PLATE, CUTLERY, CHEESE CO VER

PARAFFIN LAMP CHAIR

SLIPPERS

CUPBO ARD

HALF-SMOKED CIGAR

ALARM CLOCK

NIGHTSHIRT WOOLLEN SOCKS

Excuse me, but who is Cimrman?

A photograph of the owner of the house, Josef Lesner.

No likeness of the master has come down to us.

We know only that from childhood he had a T-shaped facial scar.

Kindly come out into the yard.

Dvorak's father.

On this chopping block Cimrman personally chopped wood.

The metal section is original, but the handle of later date.

- Is the block still in use? - Well, I chop wood on it.

Kindly walk over to the school, I'll catch up with you.

This was once the Sirotky pub, the school was on the 1st floor.

Cimrman taught here briefly. Let's go upstairs and look down.

This way please...

No, no, please come this way.

Please look in this direction.

In this direction, 320 km away, lies Vienna.

It was there that Cimrman was born and spent his first years.

Unfortunately we do not know the year of his birth.

Just one photograph survives - his elder sister's birthday.

The small girl is Jara Cimrman. He wasn't told he was a boy

because his parents wanted him to wear his sister's cast-offs.

His father looks more like a grandfather

but he was 80 at the time, after all.

He still managed to father one healthy and one genius child.

Longevity was a feature of the Cimrman family.

They usually lived to around a hundred.

The mill was Vojtech Kalvoda's. Cimrman's partner at cards.

Kalvoda was a good card player but he never won against Cimrman.

This way please.

- Never won. How do they know? - I told them so.

Cimrman took a photo of the mill with a camera of his own design.

The moustachioed man in the centre is the miller Kalvoda.

In May 1914 he gave Cimrman two sacks of flour for the picture.

Beyond those hills,

SCHOOL YEARS, PRAGUE 18??

Cimrman, in his sister's clothes,

was enrolled in the Minerva girls' school.

In some subjects, for example "training for motherhood",

he was only an average pupil.

In others, especially technical fields, he was so brilliant

that he actually took over from the teacher at times.

His feats on the sports ground also amazed his teachers.

He soon noticed differences between himself and class-mates.

Differences that in the junior classes had been slight.

INTIMATE GIRLHOOD MOMENTS, ALWAYS IN THE CENTRE

But no one took his anxieties very seriously.

His girlish figure even won him special distinction,

when the painter Josef Manes asked the school for a model.

Not many people know that the much admired calf

of Manesian women is the Czech calf of Jara Cimrman.

The fateful turning-point in his young life

came during the traditional garland-floating ceremony.

A seemingly insignificant accident

shattered Cimrman's subjective idea of the female body

suddenly confronting it with brutal objective reality.

The prudish upbringing that concealed from young people

the basic facts about human physiology

led Cimrman to draw only one possible conclusion.

If I'm a woman with what I have under my skirt,

then our lady gym teacher has to be a man!

This episode was the end of Cimrman's girlhood.

From this moment he inscribed himself in history as a man only.

JARA CIMRMAN, INSPIRING

Soon he was a new star in the firmament of world science.

He inspired the greatest minds of his time.

Hey, you've torn down my telegraph wires!

Try it without the wires, Marconi old chap!

Thanks!

Permit me, Eiffel?

Yeah, er...

Well, um...

No... wait a moment. Gentlemen, please, just try again.

- No, no... - Listen, Johann Strauss junior,

try staying with that A Major.

You think so?

Gentlemen, put in a "G" and a C Flat there.

I've got an idea for an operetta for you.

Well...

What are you working on, Dr. Chekhov?

I'm writing, "Two Sisters".

But isn't just two a bit measly, Anton Pavlovitch?

JARA CIMRMAN, ARRIVING TOO LATE

But he had no luck with his own discoveries.

I've just discovered the telephone!

Just now!

But he was here just now. You must have met him. Some...

Graham Bell.

I've just invented the cinematograph!

Man, are you unlucky! They were here a moment ago.

Two brothers, from France, they just left.

Don't tell me I'm out of luck this time. Take this down!

I have just invented...

the fuse,

the electric light bulb,

the accumulator,

the dynamo

and the electricity meter.

Edison.

He was here just now.

Don't you have anything else?

Well... I might have... but...

- I don't know. - Out with it!

What is it?

A bikini.

There now, you see, at least something.

J. Cimrman...

One bathing suit...

in two parts.

And next time mind you come earlier!

This explosive is 3-4 times more effective than gunpowder.

Gunpowder...

- And your name again... - Alfred Berndhard Nobel.

Alfred Bern...

Take this down quick! I've just invented dynamite!

We are now at the Cimrman mineral spring.

The water is rich in carbonates, potassium salt and iron.

If you drink it, you'll be pregnant in a year - they say.

The truth is that it has beneficial effects on health

and is said to be why the local inhabitants live so long.

Excuse me, please,

I have a question.

What was Cimrman's nationality? Czech father, Austrian mother,

born in Vienna, a year's school in Prague, then living in France?

He felt he was a Czech at heart.

Is there any written evidence for that?

No.

Let us proceed please.

This is where Rusalka lived.

Who?

Rusalka.

- The water-nymph. - Ah...

JARA CIMRMAN, CREATING, PRAGUE 1897

Cimrman!

Jara! Is that you?

Marold!

- Ludek! - What brings you here? - I'm on my way back from Paris!

You must come with me at once.

Thank you, Mr. Melichar. We'll continue tomorrow.

- Where are we going then? - I'm working on a big commission.

In Stromovka Park.

- Hello there, Kaplan. - Hello!

What are you cobbling together now then?

- The turbine, but I'm screwing up. - Just keep at it!

I terribly appreciate your views.

How are you, Vrchlicky? It's something completely new.

It opens up unimagined horizons for painting.

- Good morning, Mr. Marold. - Hello, Johnny.

That's the Kubelik. Very talented.

A panorama.

The Battle of Lipany.

You'll fall, Krizik!

Excuse me, aren't you Cimrman by any chance?

And aren't you by any chance Karolina Svetla?

Where have you been hiding, you rascal?

Remember how you took me to that cross by the stream?

I've written it up. A whole 230 pages of it.

Myslbek, look who's here!

Welcome, Cimrman. Excuse me, I'm in a rush.

Pardon me...

- Look where you're going! - Dvorak!

So you're home from New York then?

Home's the best. You should settle down too, Cimrman.

Absolute realism. You can't tell the real from the painted.

- Hello, Holub! - Hello, boys.

- Absolute realism... - Excuse me for a moment...

Good morning, Doctor Holub? Is it Africa again this year?

He's staying home, he is. He's travelled enough.

It would seem not.

Jansa does the landscapes.

And I do the figures.

We've nearly finished.

I'm terribly curious to know what you think of it.

Behold!

It's not in a frame on a wall, You're right inside it.

Can you feel that magical space?

You could just reach out your hand and touch the things.

You don't know where the border is, where the painting begins!

It's not bad, Ludek, but why stop halfway?

What do you mean?

The unity of reality and art doesn't go far enough.

Essentially it's just another picture.

People will come and gawp at it as they gawp at circuses.

- But you can't go any further. - 'Course you can.

If you like Ludek, I'll show you how far a painter can go.

- He's right... - Liz, you're never on my side.

That's not true, but Mr. Cimrman's right about this.

Thank you Ludek. Thank you for the inspiration.

So you don't want to work with me then.

I shall lay the sea at the feet of Prague.

Good, Mr. Bejcek, very good! And now move on a little!

Swish it round properly Liz, so there aren't any puddles.

And get rough with that blue on the horizon!

Don't be scared of the contrast. It's the sea! It's elemental!

Watch out, there's a seagull there!

- Pass, Joe! - Hello Sir!

Sir!

You promised we'd be able to train today!

Today we'll finish painting it, and tomorrow it can dry,

and the day after tomorrow you can help me roll it up.

This work of art obviously upsets the government.

Vienna has allowed Prague a sea for a mere 30 minutes!

Friends, when our ancient astronomical clock tolls five,

let us enjoy our brief permitted view of the sea,

given to us not by nature, like other nations

but by the Czech artist of genius

Mr. Jaroslav Cimrman.

Moreover I firmly believe

I firmly trust,

that the day will come,

when this our Czech sea

will adorn Prague not just for a graciously permitted moment,

but its waves will forever wash the walls of Old Prague houses,

at least every Saturday afternoon and all day Sundays.

Soft, the clock sounds five!

Soul to soul and arm in arm Let us form a chain immense

No ruin will our union sunder No vile sword divide us

Traitor don't you even dare...

What?

I was saying that I envy your future wife.

My future wife?

Love and art, Lizzie, don't go together.

Why not?

Real love in the end always means family.

Just think, Lizzie, how many many tasks I have before me.

A 3-beat motor, talkie movies, raise reputation of Comenius.

If I had a family the list would be: 3 litres of milk,

half a loaf, collect jacket from cleaner's.

- Shall we take a closer look? - Yes let's...!

Disperse!

Get out of here!

Pronto!

Pack up that rubbish!

- Did you hear be? - Get going!

Disperse I said!

- So disperse! - Don't stand here!

- What are you gawping at? - Disperse, continue!

Never mind. Back to work again!

What are your plans now?

To split the atom.

No! I'll do that later. First I'll split the monarchy.

JARA CIMRMAN, DESTROYING, KONOPISTE, 1909

Vroom...

Stop!

Climb down!

Move it!

- Do you need a hand? - Ouch!

Well, Winner? How did it go?

Your highness, like driving you. Everyone cheered.

- Anyone fire at him? - Nobody, your Highness.

- And how did he behave? - He didn't give us any trouble.

Except on the square he stuck his finger up his nose.

Ah... Many thanks.

The walls of Konopiste Chateau could tell you

just how much Cimrman hated being inside them.

For love of his oppressed nation he formed an audacious plan.

to strike at the heart of the monarchy, in the Habsburg family.

Despite his friends' warnings he resolved on a heroic deed.

He became home tutor to the children of the heir to the throne

Frantisek Ferdinand d'Este.

Cimrman, give that Nyvlt a dressing down.

What are you teaching them now?

The Habsburg Monarchy, cradle of nations.

Right, when you've finished, join me in the gunroom.

Let's sum up then, kids. What kind of system's a monarchy?

- Well? Rott... - A rotten system.

And the best state system's what kind of system?

- A Repu... - ...blic.

- But what aren't we going to do? - Tell Daddy.

Herein!

Herein!

Dammit, so COME IN, donner-wetter.

Deer, Your Highness!

- It the 57th today! - Throw them out for me Cimrman.

Rak, go the stables and catch me some more deer.

Listen,

I've just had a telegram from Vienna.

His Majesty the emperor has fallen ill.

The bastard.

As it knew I was aiming at it.

This year the flies are particularly timid.

- I'm sure you know what that means. - It will be a rainy year.

And that won't improve the emperor's health.

Precipitation high Funerals nigh.

- Is that a Czech proverb? - Yes, but it applies to Austrians.

A bit of flu doesn't mean anything yet.

But it's the duty of the heir to the throne to be prepared...

for the emperor's sudden demise.

Could you write me a coronation speech?

You said you were a writer.

Your Imperial Highness, I'm a Czech writer.

You Habsburgs have been oppressing my nation for 300 years.

Why should I have to write you a coronation speech?

Oh, you patriots...

Cimrman, as soon as I'm on the throne, everything will change

National individuality will develop unhampered.

What more do you want?

I'm willing to co-operate on a coronation speech only,

if the rights of my nation are expressly mentioned in it.

Good, then we're agreed.

The beginning will be as usual.

My nations. We, Franz II... and so forth

Here's a list of my titles. Dammit!

They've left out Duke of Tuscany again, the dimwits.

Hey, Slavs, our Slavic tongue still slibes...

Then shove in a pious bit about how gutted we are that he's gone.

You know best how to stir the emotions, you're a writer.

Here's my political programme in numbered points.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

And a bit of padding at the end, you know, spice it up.

So go and do your best. You're writing history.

...long long live the Slavic spirit, live for ever...

...and may His Majesty the Emperor soon recover.

Our Father, which art in heaven,

hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread

And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive them

that trespass against us...

Would you like the formulation

"Broken by pain the nations stand by the coffin of the emperor"?

Fine, put it in.

And what about the army? Should we leave them broken too?

- Yup, break the army too. - Good.

Wait...

You're right. I'll leave it out.

Get a move on, lump! It's taking ages!

Wipe you eyes, you crazy cow!

Forgive me, Your Imperial Highness, but the likeness...

- And on Wednesdays it always Nyvlt. - All right, get along with you!

I'm already off.

There's another bit I'm not sure about, your Highness.

Broken by pain the army and navy stand at the bedside of the emp...

The idea of cruisers by the bed...

Leave it in. It sounds nice.

Broken by pain...

- I kiss your hand. - I kiss your hand.

- So how's it going? - Welcome, Your Imperial Highness.

The girls did what they could.

- There's always a first time. - I think you'll be satisfied.

When Ringhoffer sees this, he'll die laughing.

...a great success.

So what have you prepared for us this time, Your Highness?

Time for a surprise, dear Ringhoffer.

I hope you haven't let on to him Sophie.

Telegram for His Highness.

Thanks.

You see Nyvlt, when the hunt's over the archduke will disappear

and the coaches line up for the tour of the village.

You'll be in the first.

Come on, let's try the hands routine we learned yesterday.

Long live Franz Ferdinand!

You see, it was good. And one more time, drive!

Long live the successor!

And don't pick your nose!

You're a Hapsburg! If you've something in your nose, blow it!

I don't like it. I'm bored.

Oh no you don't Nyvlt, not that. Look at your hands!

Just look at them!

Fratricide, patricide, unclecide and auntcide.

You strangled pretty well all your relatives.

If you weren't his double, you'd be sitting in prison for life.

So better think twice.

Cimrman, the old man wants to see you at once.

So you'd better think twice!

How much game did you bag? I heard a fantastic number.

- 270 thousand - Well...

What's the matter Franz?

It's happened at last.

- The emperor? - Hm, yup.

Calm down Sophie, go back to them. As if nothing had happened.

Well, at long last!

Yes your Highness?

I have just received a telegram from the Imperial Office.

Mirvald, commence!

A courier is on his way with important news.

Not another word, you understand?

The news is extremely important, and cannot be sent by telegraph.

Do you think the emperor is dead?

I think I shall be making my speech in hours, not days.

Archduke, the rabbit hunt is ready for Yourself and the guests.

Welcome to my estate,

where a rabbit hunt has been prepared for you.

Come, we'll go over it one last time.

I'd looked forward to the hunt but this is more important.

My nations! The Almighty has seem fit to call to himself

my noble uncle.

These sad events determine our ascension to the throne.

Broken by onerous pain the nations of the empire

stand over the coffin of the immortalised emperor and king.

Our life's purpose will be only the good of our nations.

We shall love all alike, but especially our beloved Czechs.

- Is it there? - You promised me it would be.

Especially our beloved Czechs...

- Come on, don't be scared... - Climb up...

Baron, do you see that?

Yes.

Come gentlemen.

- Where do you get all your ideas? - Truly fantastic!

Congratulations, Your Highness!

This is a hunt no one will forget in a hurry.

You have surprised us.

...that we may lead our nations to peace and prosperity.

We, Franz ll.

It's basically fine. But I would repeat "broken by pain".

Your Highness!

Read it, Cimrman, I can't concentrate.

Dear Ferdinand, I am returned to health and hard at work.

I think the other members of our Habsburg family

should do more to earn their keep.

I'll do Sarajevo again this year. But next year it's your turn.

For now I have other tasks I want you to get on with.

I'll expect you tomorrow at

That ghastly good health of his!

What's so bad about dying a natural death?

What don't those lazy anarchists chuck a bomb at him?

Am I going to have to strangle him myself?

Do I have to strangle him myself?

With my own hands, eh?

- Ouch... - That's his double...

- A murderer I gather... - Absolute twins...

Let go of me, ouch...

He broke through the bars It's not out fault, Highness.

It's awful, Franz. He's recovered again.

We'll just have to go on waiting waiting.

Come on, we must get ready for the journey.

Nyvlt, just look at those hands of yours.

Look at your hands!

But I washed. With soap.

In a few hours you'll hold the world's fate in those hands.

But mind you don't throttle him. You must just choke him a bit.

I know. Until his eyes goggle, then I loosen my hold.

And then you get him to sign this piece of paper here.

Wait, I need to add something.

P.S.!

That'll show him!

Hey, why don't we do a runner?

Sit down!

Sit down!

Nyvlt, you haven't grasped anything.

Just think, one day your children will open a history book

And there it will be "Hus, Komensky, Smetana, Nyvlt"

Nyvlt!

Welcome nephew.

How are you?

How are your mother and brother? How is your tuberculosis? Tell me!

Give him it.

Read that.

Read it me yourself, lad.

Just read it!

I can't read.

Your Imperial Majesty, His Highness has problems...

So I shall read it myself.

Mindful of the place occupied in the empire by the Czech nation,

we do decree that from the 1st of January 1910

the empire will be renamed, Austria-Hungary-Bohemia.

Franz Josef in his own hand.

P.S. I shall learn Czech.

Sign it. If you don't sign it I'll strangle you.

Just you try.

Come here then.

- Damn you, you're still strong. - You've seen nothing yet.

Now watch...!

You rascal, who taught you that? That's how Machane strangles!

Nyvlt!

- Machane! - Hey, lad, how long have you been doubling?

- Since last year. - I've been at it two years.

- And what's old Fuka doing? - He's in the nick.

He's a real original!

Mr. Cimrman, this man's a mate of mine.

We were in jug together in Bory.

Schluss, the end, bloody nothing.

What a fool I look now!

- Look here, Your... - Shut up!

Your whole nation can go and jump in the river!

Go to the devil!

What a louse I've been harbouring in my fur coat!

I much prefer Hungarians, and even Hungarians I can't stand.

- What about your promises? - I don't know of any.

I mean to your beloved Czechs! It's in your speech.

My coronation speech? I'll cross it out, in red ink.

Yes! Now I see your true colours. Your real reforms!

No I realise. There's no talking to you.

- Goodbye Mr. Teacher. - Goodbye.

Annihilate the Habsburg breed! To the very roots!

Will you come and see us sometimes?

Of course I will.

Stamp on the last, the breed of vipers!

I curse your whole disgusting Habsburg line!

Innkeeper, couldn't you light a fire in here?

- Not until six. - By then we'll be frozen stiff.

Come on then, let's finish rehearsing.

Tomas, take it from "...I deceived you Papa".

Couldn't we do "Hadrian from Rimsa"?

We all know that one... It would be a guaranteed success.

Friends, listen to me.

This play of mine is a guaranteed winner.

We just can't keep on repeating these stupid farces.

We must educate the audience. That's the mission of theatre.

Or "The Miller and his Child"! We all know that one too.

We've had that one. Kopecky did it here with his puppets.

All right, so you're still upset about "The Cross-Eyed Tailor".

I admit it wasn't one of my best.

But "The Hour of Truth" is incomparably better.

The protagonist Tomas Edel will appeal to these folks.

Just imagine it!

Lied to all his life, and he suddenly discovers the truth.

- Well, I wouldn't be worried. - Of course not! Thanks Charles.

They'd go for The Miller again. And we're better than puppets.

- Well... - Friends,

I guarantee that "Hour of Truth" will have them applauding.

This time you'll be taking bows as well.

You know what?

As far as I'm concerned I'm not going to risk it.

I'll take the ticket money, pack up and meet you in Pelhrimov.

I hope we finish with "Wind from the Mountains"?

But that's unnecessary Aggie. This time we'll manage without.

- "Wind" must be there or I won't be. - That little scene always works.

I can't see any reason why she shouldn't do it.

Me neither...

- Better safe than sorry. - It's the best you've written.

Oh all right then, we'll keep it in reserve.

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I looked for you, but couldn't find you anywhere.

I went for a walk.

And then I saw her.

She wore a black mantle and a veil over her face.

That mysterious figure in the garden was me.

You Karla?

But I thought it was Hedvika.

- Hedvika was giving birth to your child at the time. - My child?

But I thought it was Adolf's child.

Adolf never even met Hedvika.

But if Hedvika gave birth to my child...

- then you Karla must be... - Yes, Tomas.

I'm your sister.

That's impossible!

She's right, Tomas.

- But brother-in-law, you said... - I'm not your brother-in-law.

I don't belong to the family at all. I'm a stranger.

But that entirely changes the situation.

Not entirely. You see, I'm not actually your aunt.

- You're not my aunt, Auntie? - Don't call me Auntie. Not any more.

But if so, then I have been deceiving you, Papa.

Don't reproach yourself, son. In fact I'm not your father.

In fact I'm your son, papa.

And mama?

She is your granny.

How awful. I'm an orphan then. But that's not so important.

What's important thing is that I've finally learnt the truth.

What rubbish!

Who do they think we are?

- Shame on you! - I paid 50 hellers for this!

Go and get stuffed!

Give us back our money!

- Time for "Wind from the Mountains". - Wind from the Mountains!

What's going on?

- A terrible wind is rising. - The famous Mountain Wind.

My granddad used to tell me about it.

It comes back every 100 years.

Hold on tightly, or it'll carry us all away.

Karla's already being blown away! Catch her, somebody!

Look, my papa and mama, I mean my son and granny,

can't withstand the wind either.

Help!

I can't hold out any longer!

My strength is leaving me!

I wonder if we'll ever see each other again?

The wind from the mountains is pitiless.

Is it possible? It's carrying off Vavak's fence like a feather.

Look, Tomas, Vavak's pub!

It's flown off too.

Poor Vavak. He's lost everything.

What's a couple of hellers for a theatre ticket in comparison?

How very true.

Let's go!

It's something people should realise.

Get a move on!

A storm!

Better turn off the lights or lightning might hit the mains.

Friends! Let us all stay in our places!

Anyone who moves is sure to be struck dead by lightning.

Stay put! The awful mountain wind is sure to drop soon.

After his escape from Pacov Cimrman's trail disappears.

It only reappears shortly before the 1st World War in Liptakov.

- And it was here he died? - It was here he was last seen.

- So where did he die? - Perhaps he didn't die.

Well, no one can live forever.

And 1914 was in a way the end of his life story.

He belonged to the old days before that First World War.

And did you know him personally?

Little girl, where might I find the teacher Miss Cimrman?

Your lady sister gave everything to the village people.

Except she said to give Jara her clothes, if he turns up.

That you used to wear her cast-offs.

Yes, as a boy.

Excuse me...

Good morning.

Good morning, Mayor.

Sit down, children.

Until the new teacher arrives,

you'll be taught by the brother of our late lamented teacher.

He'll be teaching you in Czech. If anyone objects, Conrad,

his parents can send him to the German school in town.

- And mind you behave well! - Goodbye Mr. Mayor.

Now then children, can you name our great and famous Czechs?

- Hus! - Very good.

Who else?

- Comenius. - Right.

And you?

- Schiller. - That's a German.

Who else?

- Good morning! - Good morning!

Nobody else?

- Well? - Smetana. - Correct, Smetana.

Anyone else?

Oh dear, I haven't introduced myself. My name is Cimrman.

So how do you like our beer?

Marvellous. Czech beer is the best in the world.

Well, there's Bavarian...

Well, we can debate about it, we may even disagree with it,

but there is nothing else that can be done about it.

If you only knew what swill they drink abroad.

In London, New York, Pest.

Globe-trotter eh? You a travelling salesman?

- I am primarily a writer. - You don't say!

- And what have you written? - Mainly plays.

The Burgtheater, the famous theatre in Vienna,

wanted to put on my piece "Scribbled-on Cuffs".

It's all about secret policemen. But the Archduke forbade it.

- He didn't like it then. - He doesn't like me.

I don't like him either. But I really miss his kids.

How many beers have you had?

This is my second.

From what you say I'd have thought it was your tenth.

Tyrs forces his Sokol movement boys to climb polished poles.

But, children, where can you find polished poles in nature?

So now vault over the goat!

Teacher Sir, will we be vaulting over horses as well?

When you're bigger. We can only take on tasks we're ready for.

And now, children, follow me.

Come here and I'll tell you something.

Look, children. In life you'll meet obstacles.

Tyrs says, "Jump, climb, but never ever crawl!".

But I say, "You can crawl too,

but then stand up straight again!".

So now you. Crawl, stand up straight, crawl, stand up...

Well, that would work as well.

Children, Tyrs would force you to race in shorts.

But Mary, when the gamekeeper chased you out of the wood,

did you have time to change into shorts?

So children, Ready, steady, go!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, never mind...

nine, ten, eleven...

It happened on the embankment when the car stopped.

The papers say it was some student or other.

Don't you believe it!

But it's in the papers. They read it on the square in Tanvald.

Look here...

Group together kids, hands behind your backs...

I'll believe that in Sarajevo they shot at the archduke's car.

But the archduke definitely wasn't in it. Bet you anything!

The papers say it was him!

That's what they say now, maybe, but when we get the real story

they'll say it wasn't the archduke but his double.

His double?

Did you hear that?

What did he say?

That it was apparently the archduke's double.

The archduke's double!

His name was Nyvlt.

Apparently his name was Nyvlt!

Nyvlt? Man alive, stop pulling out legs like that!

It would blow all our work to the winds!

But it's true. The archduke was busy with his accession speech

so Nyvlt used to go on his tours for him.

Look here, Mr. Cimrman. A pious chap like the archduke,

wouldn't write a funeral speech before the emperor was dead.

That would be blasphemy!

Friends...

What seems like blasphemy to you, is common in high politics.

The emperor dies, the heir sits on his throne,

and can't start hurriedly writing some speech just then.

He already has to have his accession speech in his pocket.

And it always begins with how the emperor is dead.

And that's just how me and the archduke wrote it:

My nations!

Broken with pain,

the nations stand over the coffin of the immortalised emperor.

I just don't believe

that the old emperor would let himself be buried alive.

The emperor...

will outlive us all.

The emperor will outlive us all.

Yes! Here it comes. My nations!

So the archduke's day has come after all.

I wonder if he left it the way we composed it...

It was my most ardent wish to be able to save my nations

from the grievous sacrifices of war...

I don't know that bit.

The machinations of the enemy force me after years of peace

to take up the sword. Franz Josef I.

- The Serb isn't one to give in. - So the emperor wants war?

That new minister does.

Who knows where it will all end?

Children, today is goodbye day so I shall run and you count.

Konrad, make me a starting line!

- And you Mary, give me a signal. - Ready, steady...

Children, I also wanted to tell you to obey your new teacher,

and compete honourably and always count slower,

for the little ones.

- So now Mary... - Ready, steady...

Please teacher, Henlein's crying!

Henlein, why are you crying? What's the matter?

I don't know.

Konrad, crying won't put anything right.

This war isn't history's last word.

You will live to see different times.

Now I must dash.

Ready, steady, go!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

The children counted and counted,

and then the sun went down but Cimrman hadn't returned.

And then the angelus sounded and the children had to go home.

Probably they realised their teacher wasn't coming back.

...off to fight the Serb, don't know why, don't know why...

Tralala...

Tum - tum tum ta - tum tum tum tum tum ta...

Excuse me, can one view any manuscripts in the museum?

- Yes. - And could I stay over?

You can sleep in the history feathers.

But you mustn't smoke there.

I was tormented by an idea so fantastic,

that I was afraid to express it even to myself.

But it led me to do something I would condemn in anyone else.

To peek through the window to see that old lady on her own.