All language subtitles for Home Improvement - 310 - Frozen Moments

Well, we continue
our week-long salute...

to bathrooms.

We've already finished our basic
plumbing installation process.

Now we move on
to a thing called style.

Women call this
"accessorizing the bathroom."

We gotta talk about some of this stuff.
Like, what are these things?

This is a flower decal to
prevent slipping in your tub.

I have these at home.

Why doesn't that surprise me?

Now, men, what do you wanna do?
Stand on a decal like this,

or the new M1 Battle Tank
series?

Or you could use what I use
at home - the Al decal.

- So you step all over me like you do here?
- I like taking my work home.

Toilet seat and seat covers.
Seat covers?

Men don't need a seat cover. We don't
even need a squishy seat like this.

Toilet seats were just invented
so women won't fall in.

Now, here's a toilet seat, huh?

- What is in this?
- Barbed wire.

And these - a woman's idea
of soap by the bath.

Little roses
and little hearts and pigs.

How do you lather up with a pig?

Goodness knows you've tried.

What men need...
Big bruiser soap like this.

- Football soap.
- Football soap on a rope, Al.

Perfect for the underarms,

the ears...

Al, get naked, go long.

You were gonna do that
for a minute, weren't you?

AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

Well, what do you think? Should
we put the kids in the middle?

Whoa, Mom, why did we get
such a big turkey?

I thought Grandma and Grandpa aren't
coming over for Thanksgiving.

Well, who can blame them after the
food fight you started last year?

Hey. Nana got in a couple
of nice shots, all right?

The reason we have
such a big turkey

is because Al and Ilene
are coming.

Al's bringing a girl?

Yeah, she's that dentist who
makes all the teeth jokes.

She's an orthodontist.

And the way your teeth are coming
in, you'd better be nice to her.

OK, guys, will you go back out

and get the rest
of the groceries?

Honey, great news.

The lumber showed up
and I'm ready to roll.

- Lumber? What's that for?
- Uh...

I went by the lumberyard.
I had a vision.

Yeah, you have a vision every
time you go by the lumber yard.

That's why when I'm in the car
we never go that way.

Remember, you said this year

you didn't wanna take the same
old boring Christmas card photo.

Yeah. Now, what are you building?
And don't even think about it.

This'll be great.
I got this vision

that'll capture the real
spirit of the Taylor family,

just like we really are.

Oh, Tim, these pictures
are going out to my family.

I don't want them to know
who we really are.

You're not sharing my vision.

That is what makes
our marriage work.

Could you just listen
to me, please?

I'm thinking
of something simple.

You know, decorating the tree,
hanging the tinsel,

stringing popcorn,
that kind of stuff.

- I was thinking the exact same thing.
- Oh.

Except we'd be wearing costumes
at the North Pole.

And the "exact same thing" part
would be what?

Wait. Hey, guys, guys, guys,
come here. Come here.

Which would you rather do for
this year's Christmas card photo?

String popcorn, hang tinsel,
get around the tree,

or dress up
in real cool costumes

and join me in Tim Taylor's
Christmas Village?

- They both sound stupid.
- I agree.

Me too.

They'll come around.
Honey, come on.

We can start a new tradition.
Think of the possibilities.

This year, the Christmas Village.
Next year -

Manger on the Moon.
You'd be in a spacesuit.

I don't wanna be on the moon.

Besides, everybody knows
a spacesuit adds 20 lbs.

Oh, honey.

Look, whatever happens,

if you don't like it
I guarantee you

we'll change it
and do it your way.

You promise
you won't get carried away?

Yes.

OK.

It'll be perfect,
and don't worry about anything.

It'll be tasteful and simple.

Hey. Ooh.

I got a reindeer here
for a Tim Taylor.

- Does everybody know what time it is?
- Tool Time!

That's right. Binford Tools
is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!

Thank you, Heidi.

And welcome
to Tool Time's salute...

to bathrooms.

Hi, I'm Tim "The Tool Man"
Taylor.

You all know my assistant Al

"It's My Potty, I'll Cry
If I Want To" Borland.

You can't resist the bathroom
humor, can you, Tim?

Not during our salute...

to bathrooms.

You remember last time
I was telling you

how bathrooms have become
a woman's domain.

Well, not anymore,
since the crew and I

designed and built
the bathroom for men only.

Guys, bring out my bathroom.

The man's bathroom. 100%, you
guessed it, stainless steel.

That's right.
A man's can. A John's john.

This will be on every man's
Christmas list this year.

We're gonna take you through a
typical male day in the bathroom.

Al, what's the first thing
you do when you get up?

I say to myself, "Oh, boy,
another wonderful day

of working side by side
with Tim."

What's the second thing
you do, Al?

I consider calling in sick.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Why don't we go
through my typical day then?

I get up, I scratch,
I get in the bathroom.

First I wanna get rid of
that horrible morning breath.

You got everything here you need.
You got your soap.

You got a little bit
of your mouthwash.

No, that's the soap.
That's the mouthwash.

To get that deep-down,
manly dirt off,

you gotta jump
in your multihead shower.

Hop out, stand over
your built-in floor drain.

Gotta get dry real quick.

I'm dry. Well, ready to shave.
I can't shave in the dark.

I'll need my trusty...

headlights!

Also useful in case a deer
wanders into your bathroom.

For those pesky nose hairs,
you flip on your brights.

All right, all right.

Well... the bathroom
has everything,

including the brand-new
La-Z-Bowl reclining toilet.

It's plush when you flush.

And jukebox, phone and a rack

for your hot rod magazines
within easy reach.

If there were
a refrigerator in here,

you'd never have to leave.

Did you say "if"?

- Brewski?
- You bet, buddy.

Between the beer
and the bathroom,

we call this
a male recycling center

Guys are going, "Jeez, Tim, you
spend so much time in the bathroom,

you won't know what's going on
in the big game."

Got it covered.

Go, go, go, go!

Touchdown!

Man, once my friends see this
Christmas card, I'm dead.

- There's no way I'm wearing these ears.
- Me neither.

What?

Dad can't make us do this.

Yeah. I mean, you can't
make your kid be an elf.

There's gotta be a law.

Hey, Dad, we have something
to talk to you about.

Hey.

Welcome to
Santa's Christmas Village.

- Dad, we don't wanna be elves.
- What?

Yeah. We thought you said
we could all be Elvis.

I can't believe this is the
outfit you chose for me.

Mrs. Claus would never wear
anything this skimpy.

Sure she would,
if Santa were out of town

and Mr. Mountie was stopping by.

I thought you said you were
gonna keep this simple.

It is simple. Guys, get
into position, please.

- Dad, we don't wanna do this.
- Oh, pipe down. Just one shot.

Tim, look, you know,
Thanksgiving's tomorrow.

I got pies in the oven,
a million things I gotta do.

Relax, all of you. Let me make a few tweaks
on my little snow-making machine here.

Why do we have to have snow?
Well, if there's no snow,

people won't believe that we're
really in the North Pole.

You are so deluded.

- All right. You're all there? OK.
- Come on, Dad.

All right. Quiet! Big smiles.

Get the ears on. Smiles.
Timer's on.

- Start the snow.
- All right.

Hey, Dad, there's no snow.

I'll just get
a new window in it.

Where are you gonna get a pane of
glass the night before Thanksgiving?

There's plenty of 24-hour glass
places open on the holidays.

Yeah, right.

- What's that smell?
- Oh, gosh. It's my pies.

Oh, no!

Oh, Tim!

You promised me this was gonna be simple.
Now look -

I have burnt pies, a broken window
and a snow blower in my family room!

You're not gonna let this
dampen your spirits, are you?

I am way past damp.

Well, I'll just make a little adjustment.
We'll be back in business.

No. Forget it.
You had your chance,

you blew it - big surprise -
and now...

it's my turn.

Honey, honey, honey.

It'll be great. We could make
Christmas card history here.

Why can't you just ever
do anything on a small scale?

I don't think that way.

- Pick a number.
- What?

- Just pick a number.
- Seven.

See? I would've picked 13,000.

Why? Because I think big.

Can you burn the turkey
so it matches those pies?

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

What is that I smell?

Burnt pumpkin pie
with a touch of cinnamon...

maybe a tad too much nutmeg?

That is amazing. You can
smell that from over there?

Oh, yes, indeedy, Tim. I inherited
my father's olfactory sense.

Your dad has an old factory?

No, Tim. I was referring
to my sense of smell.

What does that have to do
with your dad's old factory?

Let it go, Tim.

Do you have any use for a
slightly used Santa village?

Uh-oh.
Trouble in Santa's workshop?

Mrs. Claus doesn't understand I'm
trying to do something groundbreaking.

Mm-hmm. Well, I see you've already
done some window-breaking.

Wilson, I break a lot of things
around here because I think big.

I get these visions, I have
to carry them out. OK?

Oh, so you think of yourself
as a visionary,

like Socrates or Marco Polo.

But Jill thinks
I got double vision.

Well, to paraphrase Seneca,
the Roman moralist,

there is a fine line
between genius and madness.

Do you think
I've stepped over that line?

Tim, why don't you ask me
that question

when you're not wearing
that Mountie uniform?

Oh, yeah.
That would be a good idea.

- I think you're overlooking something here.
- What?

The true vision is right there.

An angry wife
with two burnt pies?

No. No, Tim - a loving family.

Yeah. Right as usual, Wilson.

- Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Yo.

- Pick a number.
- Any number?

- Any number.
- Well, off the top of my head,

762 trillion.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Oh.

I can't believe Al.

All he's done since we've got
here is watch football.

Yeah, well, Tim's idea
of the perfect Thanksgiving

would be to push a button
on the remote

and have the turkey
pop out of it.

He's gone, he's gone! Go,
go, go, go, go, go, go!

Oh.

Tim, take the helmet off
and come to dinner.

It's not over yet, honey.
We have two more minutes left.

- What's the score?
- Uh, 61 to three.

- Guess what. It's over.
- Oh, honey!

- Come on, come on.
- All right, let's eat.

Here you go.
You sit right there.

Oh, boy, the table looks great.

- Smells great.
- Oh, yes.

Thank you.

- Everything looks delicious.
- Hey, what are those?

Oh, these are the, um, mashed
rutabagas that Al brought.

Made from a very old
family recipe.

Looks like you got 'em
from an old family.

I love the way you guys
tease each other.

I'm not teasing him.

Ilene is no slouch
in the humor department.

Tell them that joke you
told me on the way over.

Come on. We'd love to hear it.

OK. What do you call

a big white animal
that's shaped like a tooth?

- What?
- A molar bear.

- Stop.
- You are such a wacky-doodle.

Uh... somebody pass me
the gravy, please.

You gotta try Ilene's rolls.
They're homemade.

Ooh, look at that turkey.

Try my rutabagas.
Let me have some mashed potatoes.

Try the rutabagas.
I put sugar in them this year.

- Can I have some of this, please?
- One spoonful.

All right.

- I need the rutabagas.
- All I need is some gravy. I didn't get...

Ah. I think before we eat,

we should all think of something
that we're thankful for.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Al, you wanna go first?

All right. Uh...

Well, I'm... I'm thankful that
I have such wonderful friends.

And I'm... I'm thankful

that I have such
a wonderful, special person

to spend Thanksgiving with.

Well, I'm thankful that I have
such a wonderful place

to come to on Thanksgiving,

and I'm thankful to Jill
for introducing me to Al.

That's sweet. That's nice. Brad?

Al, a tender,

warm and gentle man

who always puts my needs
above his own.

Oh, that's great.
Brad, I think your mom wants...

A man whose quiet confidence

and heroic vulnerability

inspire me
to be a better person.

It's my turn.

I'm thankful that Ilene's
finished with her tribute to Al.

Ow!

And I'm thankful that Brad
said that instead of me.

Ow!

I'm thankful you guys are kicking
Brad and Randy instead of me.

Well...

That was very touching, boys.

Can I go next? Can I go next?

I am thankful
for many things in my life.

My family, my friends...

my hot rod,

267 power tools that I own.

I know I get carried away
sometimes,

like my fellow visionary
Marco Polo,

who we all know
invented the sport shirt.

But, unlike Marco Polo, I have
something he does not have.

I have the best, most
understanding wife in the world,

Jill.

Well, um, OK.

I'm thankful for good friends,

for my children,

for a husband who never ceases
to amaze and surprise me,

a man who's blown out
every window in the house,

frozen his tongue to a hammer,

fallen off the roof,
through the roof,

hung upside down from the roof,

and in spite of
all these things,

or maybe even because of them,

I love him more today

than I did the day
I married him.

Would somebody hold me?

- All right, I'm all ready. Come on.
- OK.

You're OK with this?

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's
a perfect compromise.

Your winter wonderland,
my little bit of dignity...

OK, Al, I'm all set.
Uh, camera's loaded.

Boys are in position.
Come on, look up straight.

I added more touch, added more snow for
the roof there. How does that look?

Oh, that's... that's an
awful lot of snow, Tim.

- That's 'cause I think big, Al
- It looks beautiful.

Thanks, Ilene.
Al, you wanna do the honors?

No.

- Come on.
- I'm just kidding.

So much for the dignity.

There's still time for you to
slip into that Mrs. Claus outfit.

Later.

- Is this where you're gonna stand?
- Yeah.

Get the snow in front. Make sure
the kids are looking ahead.

OK, I got it.
All right, I'm gonna count to three.

One,

two...

- Do you want that door open?
- No.

Three.

Let's take one more
just to make sure.

- This is the life, huh, Al?
- I think so, Tim.

Nothing like a bowl game
on the bowl, huh?

You know, I'm still
a little hungry.

No junk food. Let's order in.

Mexican, Chinese,
what do you want?

Oh, nothing too spicy.

Al, I think you're
forgetting where you are.

You're right.
Let's go a little crazy.

How about a pizza
with sausage and chili?

All right, buddy.

Auto-dial.

Yeah, Tony's. This is Tim
over here at Tool Time.

We need a big pizza.
Chili, anchovies...

- Half.
- Half anchovies.

We're not upstairs in the office, though.
Come down to the...

We're actually
in the bathroom. Yeah.

What? Hello?

We're gonna have to
go pick it up, I think.

Is that a smudge on that TV?

- Yes, I believe it is.
- Not anymore.

Yes!

Honey, great news.

The lumber was delivered...

I walked by the lumberyard
today and I had a vision.

You get a vision every time
you go by the lumberyard.

That's why when I in the...
when I'm in the car...

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