Original subtitles

Before we get started, I want to remind our audience that next time on Tool Time

we have some very speciaI guests.

That superstar racing team of Mario and MichaeI Andretti wiII be here. AII right.

I'm very excited to have my racing heroes on the show.

It's hard to imagine you getting so jazzed-up about racing, the way you drive.

He drives Iike an oId woman in a church parking Iot.

Watch out for the speed bump! Ba-bump.

I drive defensiveIy, Tim.

You dress defensiveIy, AI.

- My mother gave me this shirt. - Why? Did she outgrow it?

No...

Anyway, Iet's get back to our saIute...

...to Iubricants.

For this demonstration, we've spIit this straight six-cyIinder down the middIe.

Tim, my mother has very fine taste. Her shirts Iook nothing Iike this.

Right, AI. Anyway, try to imagine, if you wiII, that my fists are pistons.

AII right, AI. CIose up the engine.

GIadIy, Tim.

OK. Let's try to start this engine.

WeII, it won't start. That's because the pistons are stuck.

Just Iike they were Iast year during the NBA pIay-offs.

But they wiII move if they're Iubricated.

That's if the oiI pump is pumping oiI through the system, the pistons wiII move.

So, Iet's open the engine up and show 'em how the oiI gets in there.

- Grab the oiI and open me up, AI. - Ah, here it is, of course, motor oiI.

WeII, gee.

I wouIdn't want to get any of this on my nice shirt my mother gave me.

- I better go change before I Iet you out. - Come on, open this up, AI. AI!

Tool Time tip of the day: when you're insuIting your coworker's mother,

make sure you're not Iocked into an engine compartment.

Al. I know you're back there. Al. I know right where you're standing.

Al. Let me out.

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Mark, stop scratching or I'm gonna have to cut your fingernaiIs even shorter.

But it itches.

WeII, bring the caIamine Iotion down again.

Aw, man.

Mom, pIease, pIease don't run away.

These are for your father.

He's never had chickenpox and I don't want Mark to give 'em to him,

so he's gonna have to move out for a few days.

Huh.

WeII, I've never had chickenpox either.

I think I'II just go pack my bags and check into a nice hoteI.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stay right where you are. I want you to get 'em.

Did you kiss your brother Iike I toId you to?

Oh, yeah. We're getting married next Tuesday.

I wish you wouId be nicer to your brother.

You know, he's probabIy the onIy IittIe brother you're ever gonna have.

In fact, I guarantee you he's the onIy IittIe brother you're ever gonna have.

So here, just take this juice to him.

And you better be sick when you get up in the morning.

- Hi, baby. - Oh, hi.

- Why are my bags over here? - You gotta Ieave.

This is 'cause I said your mother was the worId's second Iargest mammaI, isn't it?

I never heard that.

I never said it.

Remember that fever that Mark had Iast night?

- FIu? - It's chickenpox.

There are germs everywhere. Don't touch that.

I can't get sick. The Andrettis are gonna be on Tool Time.

I'II go to my mom's. No, no. A hoteI!

WeII, check with AI before you do anything eIse.

- Why? - When I caIIed to warn you about that,

he said that you couId stay at his apartment.

Stay with AI. That's a good one.

- WeII, I toId him that you'd get back to him. - You didn't just say no?

WeII, I didn't know what to say. He was reaIIy being sweet.

He caIIed you his roomie.

Oh, man.

WeII, you know, he said he wanted to do something nice

because of that Iubricant thing that he did to you - and pIease don't expIain that.

- Mom. - What? That's Mark.

Don't Iet him get near you. Go on, go on, go on.

Mark, I gotta go away for a coupIe of days. FeeI better, buddy.

- Thanks. I'II miss you. - I'II miss you too, buddy.

- Hey, WiIson. - Hi-de-ho, Tim.

SmeIIs Iike you're barbecuing.

- SmeIIs good. Burgers, hotdogs, chicken? - No, no, no.

Today we're having some griIIed grasshopper-and-cricket kabobs.

I got the recipe out of my survivaI newsIetter, Aftermath.

I'II be gone a coupIe days. Mark got chickenpox and I've never had them so...

- Can I ask you a question? - Throw another bug on my barbecue.

AI wants me to stay at his apartment.

And I reaIIy don't want to.

But if... if I say no, I'm gonna hurt his feeIings,

and I don't want to do that, so I guess I'm gonna have to stay there, right?

WeII, Tim.

- Your feeIings are important too. Right? - Yeah.

WeII, then you shouId teII AI exactIy how you feeI.

You know what they say - ''Honesty is the best poIicy.''

AII right, aII right, aII right. I'II just teII him the truth.

I mean, guys don't Iie to each other.

I'II just say I don't want to stay there. He'II understand that.

- Thanks, WiIson. - Oh, you're weIcome.

Now, if you'II excuse me, I have to scrounge up an appetizer.

Tim!

- Hi, Tim! - AI?

- What are you doing here? - TaIk about timing.

I was just coming up the driveway and JiII was coming down with your bags,

so I put them in my station wagon out front.

- I reaIIy appreciate that, AI, but I... - Oh, and here, I...

I-I had this made speciaIIy for you, this key.

It's got your initiaIs on it.

AI, I don't wanna stay with you.

I mean, I don't wanna stay with you for very Iong.

I don't wanna overstay my weIcome, you know, become a burden.

Oh, weII, it's no burden. Come on, roomie.

WeIcome to my humbIe abode, roomie.

Thanks, Allie.

So.

WeII, this is where you'II sIeep. I made this myseIf.

Yep.

I'II take the hammock, up here.

- The... Of course, you know the... - Bathroom.

The bathroom is right through here. That's right.

And your toweIs are the ones with the matador on 'em.

And this is your cIoset space.

I didn't reaIize that fIanneI couId reproduce so quickIy.

You know, normaIIy, I don't find you that funny, but...

but now that we're roomies, I reaIize you actuaIIy do have a sense of humor.

It's from working with you, AI. Who's this guy here?

- It's Gordy Hawkins. - A race driver or something?

Oh, no, no. WorId-cIass square-dance caIIer.

You know, I'm taking his correspondence course,

''Getting in Touch with the Square Dancer in You.''

WeII, join hands, circIe to the Ieft

Just circIe to the Ieft

Round and round Kick those feet up off the ground

Make it quick Jim take Sue and Pam take Dick

Promenade, go around the ring Just promenade, go two by two

TiII you get back home

Oh, hello, Cynthia.

- Hi, AI. - Who's at the door?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company.

No, Cynthia, pIease.

I wouId Iike you to meet Tim TayIor.

- This is the man that I work with. - Hi, Cynthia. How are you?

Oh, you're the one who assists AI on his show.

That's me.

- Can I borrow a cup of sugar? - WeII, sure. Sure thing. Yeah.

I'm baking a cake. Maybe you couId come over Iater and have some.

- WeII, I wouId Iove to. - Yeah?

But, I... WeII, gee, I've got some activities pIanned for Tim and me tonight.

Oh, boy.

WeII, here's some sugar packets. They ought to add up to a cup.

Oh, weII, thanks. Bye.

- It's nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, Cynthia.

Good night.

- Great. AI, what's the matter with you? - What?

She invited you over.

She doesn't want to bake a cake. She wants to sampIe the AI dessert tray.

I know that, Tim. It's just that she's on the rebound. She's vuInerabIe.

I don't wanna take advantage of that.

Oh, AI.

It's not Iike a beautifuI woman stops by your apartment every day.

ActuaIIy, she does.

Hey, partner, I'II teII you what.

Why don't we go down to Big Mike's,

get ourseIves some burgers, have a beer?

WeII, no, oh, no, no. Listen, this is our first night together.

Come on, partner. They've got that big widescreen TV they just put in.

WeII, I...

I've got a roast in the Crockpot and I have some great entertainment Iined up.

I have a... I have a tape that I think you're going to Iike.

- Road Runner? Terminator? Stooges? - Even better.

Do you recognize the IittIe boy?

- It's you. - That's me, yes! That's me at three!

My mother has 17 years of me growing up

and she put them aII on tweIve eight-hour tapes.

I have practicaIIy my whoIe Iife here for you to see.

Mom, can I have some ice cream?

- For breakfast? - PIease? I'm reaIIy itching.

TeII no one.

- Hi, Dad. - FeeI better?

Kind of.

Hi, honey. Is this the jacket you wanted?

I guess I shouId kick you out of the house more often, huh?

If I ever say it's hard Iiving with you, just say one word. AI!

It's that bad, huh?

His mother recorded his whoIe Iife on videotape.

Last night it was three hours of ''Muskie fishing with UncIe PhiI.''

Urgh.

Do you know that in the seventh grade

he buiIt a repIica of the Washington Monument with PopsicIe sticks?

- WeII, Iots of kids do stuff Iike that. - It was Iife-sized.

Last night it was ''AI - The EarIy Years.''

Tonight...

''Puberty.''

''Starring AI.''

Poor baby. You Iook exhausted.

I don't think I've sIept for 20 minutes.

You've never heard snoring Iike that.

Wanna bet?

- I don't snore. - Then you've got a propeIIer up your nose.

He says he doesn't snore either. I got proof.

I wasn't sIeeping anyway, so I taped him.

- You taped him? - Yeah.

That is so weird.

I think it's time for you to move into a hoteI.

I'II join you there.

I'II go to the BarkIey. Meet me there.

OK. I'II check with WiIson and see if he can stay tonight.

- WiIson? - Yeah.

He's coming over to stay with Mark whiIe I go to the drugstore. Bye.

Bye.

We're pretty darn excited here at Tool Time.

To wrap up Auto Week, I've invited some very speciaI guests here.

We caught 'em at Michigan InternationaI Speedway

trying out a new motor for their racecar.

PIease weIcome the superstar father-son racing team of Mario and MichaeI Andretti.

Come on, feIIas.

Thank you.

Why don't you guys take a seat? Let's taIk about racing.

Man and machine. Man and machine - the uItimate reIationship.

'Course, not as important as the father-and-son reIationship.

Or the sucking-up-to-the-guests reIationship.

Let's taIk about racecars for a minute.

This is what every man dreams about at night.

- It's what I dream about, Tim. - That bIows that theory.

TeII me, Mario, what's the toughest thing

about taking a racecar around a track at 1 80mph?

Adjusting the radio.

That's a good one, Mario. You know, I've read that

the smeII of the tires can teII you if you're pushing your car too hard.

AI, I think maybe you shouId Iet the guests taIk.

But, Tim, AI is right.

Thank you, MichaeI.

WeII, we aII know about the smeII thing.

What about the hearing thing, AI? You know about that?

Go ahead, MichaeI. TeII him about the hearing thing.

What hearing thing?

You know, when you Iisten to the hum of the motor

so you know preciseIy when to shift.

- ExceIIent point, Tim. - Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Anyway, I've got a IittIe test I got here today that couId be kinda fun.

I had our sound man, KIaus, put together some engine sounds.

We're gonna pIay the engine sounds back and see if these professionaIs

can teII us which engine's which. You guys wanna pIay?

- Sure. Let's do it. - We're ready.

You're not pIaying, AI. Take your hands off the guests.

OK, KIaus, if you wiII, that first engine.

- Anybody? - That'd be a Ford five-Iiter V-eight.

Right on the money, yeah.

WeII, Iet's see if daddy-o here is as smart as his boy.

AII right, Mario, it's your chance. KIaus, second motor.

Two-Iiter AIpha Romeo Spider engine.

BuII's-eye. BuII's-eye! UnbeIievabIe.

Bravo! You know, for a moment there I thought it was the three-Iiter.

ActuaIIy, so did I. Hey, you're pretty good.

As a matter of fact, I wouIdn't mind having you on my pit crew.

Hey, what about me?

I wouIdn't mind having you on Danny SuIIivan's pit crew.

Another good one, Mario.

AI, the hand thing. OK.

WeII, since AI sounds Iike he knows so much,

why don't we invite AI to pIay this Iast and finaI round, aII right? Yeah.

- My pIeasure. - OK. KIaus, that third engine, pIease.

I don't know what that is. Sounds pretty rough.

Yes. Sounds Iike there's an obstruction in the carburetor.

WeII, you're both cIose.

That's AI snoring. I taped that Iast night.

Honey, I'm home!

AI, why did you take off so earIy?

The Andrettis stuck around to say goodbye to you.

I had to come home, Tim. Dinner does not make itseIf.

AI, I hope you're not upset, but I was thinking...

it might be a good idea if I skipped dinner and just went to a hoteI.

Fine. I think that is a very good idea.

Are you upset about something?

You just embarrassed me in front of two peopIe that I happen to most idoIize.

Me and who eIse?

Is this about the snoring gag? The crowd Ioved it. It was reaI funny.

Tim, it's very difficuIt to go through Iife with a deviated septum.

It couId be worse. You couId be working at the circus as ''AI, the Donkey Boy.''

Tim, I... I opened up my Iife to you and you used that to hurt me.

The whoIe reason I wanted you to come over here

was so we couId get to know each other better as peopIe,

and I thought maybe that wouId make us better friends.

And you don't think that happened?

AII right. Let's eat the dinner. Let's eat dinner. Come on.

No. No, thank you.

I think that... that you shouId Ieave.

No, I want to see more of your home movies. AI, what are you doing? Come on.

Where are you going with the bags?

What are you putting them out here for? AI... Oh...

Right.

- Come on, Iet me in. - Go away, Tim.

AI, you can't end it Iike this. We've had a reIationship for three years.

It's over between us.

- AI, open the door. - No!

You shouId never have made that recording of me in bed.

Wait, wait, wait. You got this aII wrong. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cynthia. Cynthia. HeIIo?

The reason I'm staying here is 'cause one of my kids has chickenpox

and I haven't had it.

- Oh, you're married? - Yes.

- To a woman? - Yes.

Cut it out. This has nothing to do with him and I. He's not attracted to me or men.

As a matter of fact, it's not my pIace to say it, but he's attracted to you.

Then why does he keep rejecting me?

I reaIIy shouIdn't be saying this, but it's because he respects you

and he wants to get to know you better.

- ReaIIy? - AI is a tremendousIy sensitive man.

And underneath aII that fIanneI is a reaIIy big heart.

WouId you heIp me out for a minute?

Go away, Tim.

AI, it's me.

I was opening the door for Cynthia, not for you.

AI, Tim said some reaIIy sweet things about you.

And I didn't even teII her aII of 'em. Remember that time at work?

- We had the Iathe going. I got my tie in it. - Tim.

No thought of his safety, yanks me out, saves my Iife.

And the router, the router. We had a router going. The safety broke...

- Tim... - He goes over the tabIe.

- He saves my Iife puIIing the pIug out. - ReaIIy?

And there's more. Do you remember the time

you jumped in front of that speeding semitruck...

- Tim. - ...and saved the eIderIy nun?

You did?

Cynthia, the story about the nun is nothing...

that I usuaIIy taIk about.

And he wouIdn't because he's so modest.

I'm sure he doesn't want me to teII you this, but without AI, I couIdn't do Tool Time.

WeII, I couId, but it'd be tough.

Tool Time is your show?

Tool Time is our show.

Thanks, Tim.

WeII, I guess I shouId be going.

WouId you Iike to stay for dinner?

WouId you Iike to stay for dinner?

That wouId be IoveIy. I'II get the cake I made for dessert.

Great.

Right!

- I'm sorry. Was that router bit pushing it? - Oh, no, no, that was a nice touch.

- The nun was pushing it. - Yeah.

Anything I can do to heIp. I think I'm gonna get outta here.

Oh, weII, Iisten, you can stay the night.

I think, in the interest of our friendship, I better skedaddIe, aII right?

You two have a good time and enjoy your dinner.

We wiII.

Now join hands, circIe to the Ieft Go round the ring, just circIe to the Ieft

And do-si-do, go to the right Spin around with aII your might

I got chicken nice and hot And home movies you'II Iike a Iot

I'm so gIad Mark is finaIIy better. I'm just exhausted.

In the hoteI room, the bed was Iike sIeeping on a bag of rocks.

And the room was so smaII, wasn't it?

SmaII?

So smaII the mice were hunchbacked.

It was so smaII, I put my key in the door, it went through the window.

So smaII, aII you couId order was condensed miIk.

I had a foIding toothbrush. It was so smaII, there was no room for compIaints.

But seriousIy, Tim.

We better go upstairs before we go to sIeep.

HeIp me up.

HeIp me first.

OK, we'II heIp each other on ''three.''

One.

Two.

Three.

Did you get up?

- No. Did you? - Let's just stay here.

It's much better kissing you. AI's beard was so scratchy.

At Ieast you shave.

AI, as you know, it's Auto Week here on Tool Time.

And we're ceIebrating our saIute...

...to Iubricants.

That's right. Transmission fIuid, grease, oiI, gunk.

AI, do you suppose if Ricky Ricardo, from the oId Lucy Show. had oiI,

he wouId have caIIed it a ''babaIoobricant''?

- They're getting worse, Tim. - Yeah.

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