Original subtitles

Man, this ice cream really is frozen.

How long is it gonna take before we get to eat it?

Well, l'm guessing about 1 2 more spoons.

Tim, l found the video camera.

- (Tim) What do you want that for? - l want you to tape my speech.

Don't worry, Mom. You're gonna do great.

l'm so nervous about this library opening.

l have never spoken in front of so many people before.

Oh, you have nothing to worry about.

And, by the way, did we mention that you look awesome?

Why do you have your hands behind your backs?

Just a little change of pace from keeping 'em in front, you know.

Uh, yeah. You oughta try it, it's a lot of fun.

Let's see 'em.

Both of 'em. You're so pathetic.

Oh, guys.

How many times have l told you not to break the spoons in the ice cream?

- What happened that ice cream scooper? - lt didn't work right. Dad's trying to fix it.

- Dad did fix it. - Oh, great.

l took the 35-watt element out and replaced it with one out of an electric curling iron.

Tim, we don't have time for this. We have to go.

Now you not only melt the ice cream, you can style at the same time.

- Just flip her on. - (scoop humming)

Watch this baby go right through this stuff. Look at that.

Hey.

Milkshake, anybody?

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Whoa, Al.

Cut me in for half and l won't tell Harry.

l'm not robbing the store. Haven't you heard? l'm part owner.

Yeah. A very small part.

You see that corner over there? That's what you own.

- Eddie, how you doing? - l'm fine, Harry. How are you?

lt's great that we feel comfortable enough to joke with each other.

Right, froggy voice?

- Right, Al. - (imitates Harry) Right, Harry.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Tim. How's it going?

- Hi, Tim. - Have you got a small screwdriver set?

Tape's jammed in my camera.

Here you go. How's it going?

l'm numb. l just spent three of the most boring hours of my life at the library.

Three hours?

You know, if you put together all the time l've ever spent in a library,

it wouldn't come out to be three hours.

Who would have guessed?

Jill had a speech at the library. l told her l'd tape it.

You taped that? Great, 'cause llene really wanted to see it.

- ls she the orthodontist you're seeing? - That she is.

Maybe one night this week, llene and l could come and watch Jill's speech.

We'll show you the tape of llene speaking at the wisdom tooth symposium.

Or l could just put my head in a vise.

- Timmy, are those things hard to use? - No, not anymore.

Point and shoot, pretty much. Put her on ''auto.'' Push your lens cap aside.

You start shooting.

Why does everybody wave at these things?

lt's perfect. l do birthdays, holidays, all of our vacations.

My favorite thing is oddly misshapen butt cracks. Look at that.

- Zoom in. Yo! - Tim.

Would you turn that thing off?

Careful with that.

- So that library thing was pretty bad, huh? - Let's put it this way.

Jill's speech was so boring, l had to check my pulse to see if l was still alive.

Harry, he's exaggerating. Jill is a very fine speaker.

Generally she is, but she started quoting some poetry. lt was blanket and pillow time.

You wanna talk sleep - my wife starts going on about her antique button collection?

l'm in a coma.

Hey, forget coma. Last night, my wife starts talking about decorating.

- Oh, boy. - l was clinically dead for three minutes.

Clear!

l'm not kidding. There she is, yakking about new fabrics for the sunroom.

l didn't know what the old fabrics looked like.

l didn't even know we had a sunroom.

l tell you what kills me - is when my wife wants to talk about our ''relationship.''

Like you have one.

No, wait. l got a better one. My wife's studying psychology right now.

Boy, is she boring when she yammers on about these terms -

neurotic, psychotic, halitosis, neurosis, cirrhosis, l don't know.

Dysfunction, dat function, your function.

My wife is much more boring.

No one is as boring as my wife.

When my wife talks psychology, she is the big bopper of boredom.

So l got this great strategy. This is cool.

l just pretend like l'm listening and fade her out and just go, ''Whuh-huh.''

You guys, maybe it's 'cause l'm new to my relationship, but l like talking to llene.

(Tim. ddie. Harry) Uh-huh.

lt's true. l find everything she says fascinating and illuminating.

(Tim. ddie. Harry) Whuh-huh.

That's 'cause in your relationship, you are the boring one.

To uote my favorite poet. lizabeth Barrett Browning

''Books. books. books ''

''I had found the secret of a garret-room

''Piled high with cases in my father's name.

''Piled high. packed large - where. creeping in and out

''Among the giant fossils of my past

''In heats of terror. haste. victorious joy.

''The first book first And how I felt it beat

''Under my pillow . in the morning's dark.

''An hour before the sun would let me read!

''My books!''

- You were wonderful. - That was great.

l love Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

''lf thou must love me, let it be for love's sake only.''

Put a socketh in it, Aleth.

- So it was all right? l was so nervous. - Oh, yeah. You were great.

So commanding. You look great in that suit.

l could have seen that tape over and over and over again.

- Thank you, sweetie. - l'm glad you taped it so we could see it.

l felt like l was there.

(Tim) Why does everybody wave at these things? I do birthdays

Wait a minute. Whose butt is this?

- l know whose it is. - Very nice, Al.

- Turn that thing o - Careful with that

- So that library thing was pretty bad? - Let's put it this way

Jill's speech was so dull. I had to check my pulse to see if I was still alive

Uh-oh.

- Did you tape this? - l didn't know it was on. l just put it down.

No. I got it worse than either of you guys Now Jill's studying psychology

Boy. she is so boring the way she yammers on with these useless terms

This is very illuminating. ''So boring''?

That's not what l said. l said ''sobering.''

We'll just let ourselves out.

No. We gotta see that tape on the wisdom teeth.

- We'll leave it with you, OK? - How about coffee? We gotta have coffee.

l'll make that cappuccino stuff. l'll make a pie.

Why don't stay the night?

Well, l suppose you wanna talk about this?

Oh, no. l wouldn't wanna bore you.

That's all right. Go ahead.

- l wanna hear what you have to say. - l've already heard what you have to say.

l was in a hardware store with the guys.

- ls this how you really feel about me? - No, it's just what l say about you.

lt's a hardware store. We guys say whatever we wanna say.

Because it's a hardware store, you don't have to account for what you say?

Yes. No. You're blowing this all out of proportion. You know how men talk.

- You and your girlfriends do the same. - That is not true.

l have never once said anything behind your back that l haven't said to your face.

- That proves l'm more sensitive than you. - How?

lf l have something to say about you, l have the courtesy to say it in front of strangers.

That's insane.

lt was a conversation you should've never heard.

lt was a conversation that you never should have had.

- A conversation you shouldn't have seen. - This conversation is over.

Well, that's good because l'm sick of saying the word ''conversation.''

- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time!

lt's rock-'n'-roll day on Tool Time. with those rocking tool men,

Tim Taylor and Al Borland. Whoo!

(rock-'n'-roll music)

Heidi. Heidi.

Heidi!

Hi. Welcome to Tool Time l am Tim ''The Cool Man'' Taylor.

And you all know my assistant, the King, Al-vis.

(imitating lvis) Thank you. Thank you very much.

Today, we're gonna have a rocking good time,

because we're gonna be building ourselves a rocking chair.

This is the last theme show we're gonna do.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- A rocking... - Could we?

(normal voice) All right. Well, yesterday, if you remember,

we bent the wood for the frame of our chair by putting it in this steamer box.

The steam made the wood pliable and easy to shape.

Speaking of steam, l wanna let off some.

- Tim. - Al.

Why don't women understand that men need a place to be men?

To get together with other men and discuss manly things. Right, men?

(all) Yeah.

All kinds of men stuff, you know - from V-8 engines to smelly feet,

to what annoys us most about our wives. (grunts)

- Where do you nag about the little lady? - Divorce court.

Moving along. You up there, sir. You, sir.

Where were you the last time you were with a group of men

letting off steam about women?

Jackson State penitentiary.

Well, l'm glad we made this little journey. Al.

All right. lf you remember, l told you that we've already bent our wood.

Now we're ready to make the legs and posts of our chair,

using the Binford 61 00 variable-speed wood lathe.

That's right. Now, we first use a rough gouge to take off the square edges.

Then Al will use the half-inch round nose to start shaping our piece.

Marv, bring the camera and let's take a look at this.

There are various types of patterns to shape your legs.

Or you can do it freehand. lt's a very difficult skill to master.

You might wanna practice on a spare piece of wood.

That's good advice. l'll give you more good advice.

Always think safety when working with a lathe.

You notice l didn't wear a necktie.

You want nothing hanging down and no loose clothing.

- The possibility... - (laughter)

Let me finish.

Sometimes...

lf you get too close to a lathe, you can lose an article of clothing.

ls it a little chilly in here?

- Hey, Wilson. - Hi-de-ho, neighborette.

Can you do me a favor?

Tim is running late and l have a class.

- Can you keep an eye on the kids for me? - That'll be my pleasure, Jill.

How did that Elizabeth Barrett Browning poem l gave you work out?

Not too well with Tim.

After he taped my speech,

he taped himself making fun of me at the hardware store.

Yeow.

l guess l can expect Tim out here pretty soon.

l doubt it. He didn't think he did anything wrong. He said he was doing what

(deep voice) all guys do when they get together.

Well, Jill, the renowned psychiatrist lrvin D. Yalom

postulated that men relieve their isolation

by bonding over common fears and experiences.

Yalom was talking about universality as it applies to formal therapy,

not a bunch of guys sitting around dumping on their wives.

Well, that's an excellent point.

However, knowing Tim, l'm sure it was just an innocent exchange bearing no malice.

(giggles)

As Freud so humorously pointed out, ''Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.''

That is such a crock. As Carl Jung says:

''lf people can be educated to see the lowly side of their own natures,

''then they might also understand their fellow man or woman better.''

With due respect to Jung, l believe it was Bruno Bettelheim...

Oh, don't Bettelheim me.

Tim was talking about me behind my back, and you know what Andrea Dworkin says.

Actually, l don't.

She says if women talk about people behind their backs, it's ''gossip,''

but if men do it, it's ''male bonding.''

Jill, ever since you decided to go back to school,

you've made things so very, very hard on me.

- That your card? - Yeah. How did you do that?

- Guess what l have. - Rabies.

No. This videotape.

l heard Mom and Dad arguing about it last night,

so then l came down and got the tape.

Hey, that was pretty sneaky.

You know, Mark, if you keep this up, you might actually turn into a person.

Thanks. l really wanna be a person.

No one is as boring as my wife

Guys. guys. believe me I got it

When Jill's talking about psychology. she's the big bopper of boredom

Whoa. Mom saw this and Dad's still alive?

Yeah, well, the night is still young.

Hey, shut that off. You guys shouldn't be watching that.

- Why not? - Why?

Because it's private adult stuff. You wouldn't understand.

You're making fun of Mom. What's so hard to understand?

l'm not making fun of Mom. l'm making fun of my wife.

Dad, l don't know if you realize this, but they're the same person.

lt's a joke. lt's a little joke. She knows it. End of story, OK?

- Why isn't she talking to you? - You're acting a lot like Brad and Randy.

- Thanks. - Let me explain something to you guys.

A lot of things can be said in the privacy of a hardware store

that cannot be said in public places like your home.

So what you're saying is you can make fun of Mom, but not when she's around.

- That's not what l'm saying. - What are you saying?

lt's disrespectful to say anything about other people when they're not around.

Especially if a camera is rolling.

- Gotcha, Dad. - Upstairs. Come on, come on, come on.

- Good luck, Dad. - Hi, Mom. Bye, Mom.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi.

Jill, l'm really sorry about the stuff on this tape.

You are?

You know how l am. l started getting laughs. l get on a roll.

When l get like that, l don't really think about what l'm saying.

- Your speech wasn't that bad. - Look.

What you said about my speech was humiliating,

but what really got to me was the way you put me down for talking about psychology.

- l didn't mean that. - Tim, come on.

Do you think l don't notice your eyes glaze over every time l try to talk to you about it?

l know that you think it's gobbledegook, but l love it.

l'm working really hard. l'm juggling my life around so l can make this thing happen.

And when you demean it, it's just...

lt hurts me.

So-So who-who's gonna make dinner?

- l need this book. - ln a minute.

l'm reading something here about my souped-up ego.

That's ''superego.'' Why are you reading my book?

l wanna find out why this is so interesting to you.

Because you want to or because you feel guilty?

According to chapter two, a little of both.

- You read two chapters? - Yes.

And the chapter on animal sexuality's quite interesting.

You really think so?

Yeah. l'm not saying a few pictures wouldn't help the process.

lf you think that's interesting, wait till the chapter on aberrant female sexuality.

Read it.

Actually started with that chapter first.

From now on, l'm reading everything you read.

You don't have to go that far.

Honey, when l go at something, l go full-bore.

Something else l figured out we might do.

l'm gonna take you to see those three tenors that you love on PBS.

Paparazzi, Manicotti and Flamingo.

(imitating opera singer)

Tim, you just named a photographer, a food and a hotel.

l don't care what they do, they sing great.

Well, that would be really nice, because...

it's been my fantasy to be with a man who enjoyed doing the same things l do.

You know, like taking me to the opera, the ballet, the theater.

That's my fantasy too.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

lf l could find that man, l wouldn't have to go myself.

What is your real fantasy?

lt involves some twins and a yo-yo.

Yeah, l know who the yo-yo is.

Hi.

Oh, no. What have you taped now?

More pearls of wisdom from the hardware store?

No. Actually, l went back and looked at the tape.

There's a second part of the conversation you never even saw.

- You should take a look at it. - l don't think so. l've seen enough.

No, really. Come over here and take a look at this.

You know . Harry. on second thought. I really did enjoy my wife's speech

- You took this five minutes later? - Yeah.

You're wearing different clothes.

Men in hardware stores change frequently.

(stiltedly) T-Tool Man. you have shown me the way

Because of you

I now realize how much I love talking to my wife about her needs

That is realistic dialogue.

Tool Man. you are the greatest

You have shown me the love that I have for my mife

Your W's look like M's That's why I said ''mife ''

Your W's do look like M's.

Well. it's good we got in touch with our true feelings I didn't mean to hurt my wife

And I hope that she knows that

Yeah, yeah, she knows that.

(mimics) Tool Man, you are the greatest.

l am so happy to be your mife.

Look how easy this thing is. Oh, oh, oh.

Hm.

Might be just a bit hot.

Harry, he's ''exaggeuating.'' Jill is a very fine speaker.

(laughter)

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