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So did you like
the movie?

I think the movie was good.
Yeah.

It was very
entertaining.

What about you?

I liked it.

It wasn't
what I expected.

Too many people
in this...

in this movie theater.

Yeah?

I don't do very well in--
with crowds.

I know.

It was great,
you know,

very well done,
very well done.

And the way he
describes, you know,

the different steps that
led him to do that--

that's what's
interesting.

It's a documentary
kind of movie.

I thought it wasn't
going to happen.

They kept saying,
"Oh, we're not gonna get away with this."

And they did.
I was surprised.

Yeah, it was good.

Would you
watch it again?

Yeah.

Sorry to interrupt.
Have you decided on a wine this evening?

- Yes.
- What would you like?

Can--?

- red is good for you?
- Yeah.

Can we get
a bottle of--?

The first time he asked
for money was two years ago.

The second time--
six months ago.

And now,
two days ago,

he's asking
for some more.

And he's a friend.

And, you know,
I help him.

But it's a lot of money
we're talking about.

And it never ends.

So what do I do?

What would you do?

It sounds like he's
taking advantage of you.

It's good
to see you.

It's always good
to see you.

Thank you.

Come here.

Attaboy.

Get 'em.
Get 'em.

Good.
20, 19,

18, 17.
Focus.

16, 15, 14...

Two.

Good stall here.
Good stall.

Beautiful, Zizzo.
Drop it down.

Attaboy.
Good set.

Ow.

- I'm just kidding.
- How're you feeling?

- All right.
- Eat your Wheaties this morning?

- My Wheaties?
- Yeah.

I had my muscle milk this morning,
Wheaties after.

So what's going down?
What's new?

You want to hear everything
or just recent things?

Let's start at two or three
and work your way up.

Let me ask you
a question.

Yeah.

What are you doing
this weekend?

What am I doing
this weekend?

No, the other trainer
I'm working with.

- I don't know. I don't know.
- I do.

Chelsea, I'm ordering breakfast.

Do you know
what you want?

I'll just have whatever you're having.
Thank you.

What about the bailout?
How do you think that's going to turn out?

That's not
gonna work.

You need more money
in the system,

a lot more money than
what the government is putting in.

It's just
the beginning.

So I don't know
what to tell you.

I think it's better
to stay cash and...

that's what I do anyway,
so it's good for me.

No it's not.

I'm out of here.

Thank you
very much.

- I hope I'll see you soon.
- Me too.

- Take care.
- You too.

I met with Philip
on October 5th and 6th.

I wore a Michael Kors dress and shoes
with La Perla--

I wore a Michael Kors
dress and shoes

with La Perla lingerie
underneath

and diamond stud
earrings.

We met at 7:30 at the hotel
and had a drink downstairs.

He liked my dress
but didn't go into detail why

and didn't mention anything else
about my appearance.

So how did it go?

It was fine.
We had a nice dinner,

you know, went back
to the hotel.

But he's
very well endowed

and sometimes I just can't
handle him that long.

Lucky for me, though,
he's attractive,

so that helps and I
at least enjoy myself.

But it was weird
when I left.

He didn't even stand up

to hug me or say goodbye
or kiss me on the cheek.

It was a very
awkward departure.

He's never
done that before.

We ate dinner at Blue Hill.

Philip didn't ask
for a menu

and had the chef serve us
a five-course meal,

a different wine
with each course.

We went to the 9:40
showing of "Man on Wire"

at the Sunshine Cinema.
And he liked the movie.

We went back to the hotel
and talked for half an hour,

mostly about
a friend of his

that keeps borrowing money from
him and not paying it back.

Then we had sex for about an hour.
After, we talked about--

After, we talked for about 15
minutes and he fell asleep.

At breakfast he briefly told me
his worries regarding the economy

and said I should invest
my money in gold.

He also mentioned a book about
how the Federal Reserve works.

He didn't make
another appointment.

Sometimes clients think
they want the real you,

but at the end
of the day they don't.

They want what they want you to be.
They want you to be

something else.
They don't want you to be yourself.

Suppose I'm that rare
client that really wants to--

if they wanted you
to be yourself,

they wouldn't be
paying you.

I know you've been buying
five sessions at a time.

Right.

You realize you're losing
money by doing that, right?

But I'm taking it
as it goes, you know?

I know. I hear that.
The whole thing is is, like,

if you buy more sessions, obviously
you're gonna save a lot more money.

I think our relationship is good.
You're liking what we're doing.

- You do a great job.
- You're feeling good. You're looking good.

You've gained
five lbs. of muscle.

- You're on your way to a six-pack.
- I'm trying.

I don't think our relationship
is going to end soon.

So my suggestion is let's
have you buy a bigger package--

- like 25 or 50.
- What did I do last time? 10?

- You did five.
- That went quick.

So if you did 25 or 50, you'd be saving,
like, 20 bucks per session.

So you're looking
at saving $400.

And I know times are a little crazy,
but that's my point.

I know what I pay for five.
What's it go up to from there?

You pay $150
for five.

And you'll end up
paying $125

If you end up
getting 25 sessions.

You are the beautiful,
young ingenue accompanying--

Let me ask you
a question.

Not to pry,
but you guys--

I mean, you guys
are hurting.

Everybody's hurting right now.
How do you--?

You're gonna spend money?
You're going to do this?

Self-medicating.

Don't worry about that.

I'm go?

If I was hurting,
I wouldn't go.

I can't afford
to go to Vegas.

You don't have
to afford to go to Vegas.

I can afford for you
to go to Vegas.

We all can afford
for you to go to Vegas.

In fact, we almost can't
afford for you not to go.

You gotta come,
dude, seriously.

All right, let me see
what I can do.

Hi, Chris.
Package for you.

Thank you very much.
Have a good day.

Thanks.

I'm starving.

How was work?

Work was good--
a little crazy.

I trained Zizzo.

He was trying
to convince me to go

To some crazy
trip in Vegas.

Vegas?

Yeah, boys' trip
to Vegas this weekend.

I told him I didn't think
you'd approve of that.

Do you get bored of just
talking to rich people?

It can get tedious.

It can get tedious?
Why?

It can.

You really have to adapt and
become something that they want.

Oh, God.

I mean, do you find
yourself caring at all?

I do.

I think you're getting a little
worked up about it, though.

Because the economy
is fucked.

And my business
is fucked.

I'm making 1/10 of what
I made two years ago.

It's just getting
worse and worse.

And this is something that is
gonna fucking fall by the wayside

if I can't
get it together.

And I've aged out
of the business also.

So I fucking show up on
a set and people ask me--

They think I worked on
"McHale's Navy" or something.

Did that other show
get picked up?

Yeah, it might have
gotten picked up,

but it's not a sure thing.
And it's not enough

To maintain what
I'm kind of used to.

You don't think so?

I can't tell.
I don't know what the fuck's going on

in the business
anywhere anymore.

Well, anyway,
thanks for listening.

I've been in so many
relationships where nobody listens.

I definitely think relationships
are about communication, don't you?

God, totally.

Jesus, that's why we--
it's completely two-way.

We're constantly exchanging
kind of what we think.

I mean, that's how
people relate.

It's just so
fucking ridiculous

the way everybody wants
something completely one-sided

and want
something for nothing.

Sorry, my hands
are really cold.

It's okay.
I'll warm them up.

Well, my first
thought is I do like it.

I do like it.

It's just that,
I'll tell you, right now

It's a tough time for me to start
pioneering a new line like this.

The economy right now
is really in the toilet.

And we got a store
full of stuff.

And we do have stuff
that somewhat competes

with this type
of garment right now.

Right.

I'd like to show it real quick

to Marvin, just to get
an idea of what he thinks.

I'm thinking
right now, no.

But I'm thinking maybe
down the road we can try it.

Marv, uh...

you know,
I would definitely--

I'm definitely okay
with it being on consignment

because it gets a chance
to be out on the floor

and see how it does.
You guys have a very big store

and I'm sure we could find a little
bit of space to put the stuff out there.

I know it's going to sell. I
know people are gonna buy it.

This way
I'm okay with that.

If it doesn't sell, then I'll
take it back. That's fine.

But I would like to have it out
there for the Christmas season

Because that's when
people are buying things.

Everyone has to
stop talking and listen.

If we don't close
this deal on Friday

We have to pay
a huge, huge penalty.

There's no way this deal's
gonna close on Friday.

The whole world is afraid
of redemption. No one knows--

70% of all hedge funds are
gonna be out of business...

On October 25th
I met with Dennis.

We had lunch at Nobu and
then went to a hotel room.

During lunch he talked
about the financial crisis.

When we got back
to the room

he immediately
got on the phone

and ordered
some MaCallan 25.

I put on a Kiki de
Montparnasse corset,

panties and gloves.

The shoes
were basic Zara.

After he got off the phone
we made out for a while.

Then he asked me
to masturbate, which I did.

Then he masturbated
watching me.

He made another appointment
for November 3rd.

I think one element
that could be improved a lot

is the photography.

You should have
much better pictures.

I have pictures I can give you.
That's not a problem.

Are they really
top-quality pictures?

They should look like
"Playboy" pictures.

Yeah, they're
perfect.

Yeah? Okay.
That's important.

And we could improve the logo
and general style of the site,

make it look
much more high-class.

Okay, I also
wanted to--

I don't know exactly
how you'd do this,

but I would
really like it

if my site would come up
in the search engines.

You know, like--

I don't know exactly
how you do that,

But when you Google
"escorts," I come up.

It's a little tricky.
It'll take some time.

But one good idea is
to get yourself listed

in a lot of directories
and review sites.

The more links there
are to your site,

the better your rankings in
the search engines are gonna be.

- You can do that?
- I can help you with that.

Sure, sure.
But that takes monthly work,

if you want to work out a
monthly maintenance contract...

How much?

You have to continually
update it every month.

How much would you charge
just to design it?

About 1500 bucks.

And how soon could you
get it done?

I could only work
after hours here, so...

Can we sort
of start over here?

I am not trying
to tell you

how to run
your business.

I'm trying to help you
enhance your business.

And I think
I can do that.

If I didn't think
I could do that,

I wouldn't have taken
an interest in you.

You seem like
a pretty smart girl.

Are you familiar with
an escort named Tara?

I'm not.

Okay, well, you might
want to check out

Some of the stuff that's
been posted about this Tara

On "The Erotic
Connoisseur."

I don't usually like
checking out reviews.

Well, let me tell you
a little story

about what happened
to Tara.

Tara is 20 years old,
kind of came in here

just falling off the turnip
truck, doing her own thing.

And when I put up
the reviews,

her rate started going up.
Do you understand?

This is making you more
upscale than you've ever been.

You think you know
an idea of upscale,

but what I'm offering you
is upscale beyond.

So...

So anyhow,

do you have to develop
business skills?

Who does your books?

That's something
I'd rather not answer, actually.

Well, I'm not gonna--
let's just say, do you keep books?

I do. Let's just say I have
a few people that help me out.

I'd like to
keep it at that.

I think you want
to look at this time

As a time to actually
get more invested.

Personally, my wife and I have gotten
more aggressive with our family.

We set up a 529
for our young son.

We wanted to get
more involved here,

because you don't see these levels,
these opportunities very often.

If you sit back like
everyone else and sell,

you're actually going
against the grain

of what you should be doing-- investing.
It's important.

How's your wife?
How's Rachel?

She's well. She's better.
Thanks for asking.

Yeah, of course.
How's your son?

He's good too.
Everyone's well.

Every family right now feels stress.
We watch the news.

We watch this
Presidential election

and this campaigning.
And it's stressful

to wonder where
our country's going.

Definitely.

I think sometimes you
just gotta turn it off.

You just can't even
listen to it.

I think, more importantly, you
have to look at your career, really.

I see your ledger. I see your
numbers. You're good at what you do.

You could possibly be the best
at what you do. You're amazing.

But let's not rest
on our laurels here.

There's more things
you could be doing.

Like what?

It just seems like
everything changes.

A reflection point like this allows you
to look at it and see what's changed.

I asked you to meet with
Michael for that exact reason.

I think he has
a really good view

of what's going on
in your market

and could take you
to the next level.

What exactly does he want?
What exactly does he do?

What differentiates you
from those other women

is what's gonna make these
other businesses grow for you.

So I do understand it,
but I just wanted to say that.

Besides that,
there's other things.

There's so many things
that you can do

that will allow you to
continue having your anonymity,

but you can continue
to grow your business.

Here's an example--
do you really think

some woman would want to take
her 16-17-year-old daughter

to my boutique if they
knew I was an escort?

If it was a sex boutique
and it was a couple,

that'd be a different story, but
that's not what I'm interested in.

I'm not trying to be
insensitive to that. I get that.

I'm just trying to
make sure you understand

there's an opportunity lost if
you don't take advantage of that.

In what other ways could
I do that where I'm safe?

Well, like, you
could write a book.

We could do a movie
about your life.

Right now
that's really hot.

People are making
movies like that.

There's Tara right there.

Tara.

Sugar!

- Darling, how are you?
- How are you?

Very well.
Good to see you.

- This is Chelsea.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

I have to get out of here.
Thanks for lunch.

- It was nice to see you.
- You too.

We have about 20 minutes.
Want to grab a quick drink?

- I'd love a drink right now.
- Let's do it.

- So how was your flight?
- It was good.

- Where are you staying?
- I'm staying over at the "W."

Yeah, it's really
depressing.

Well, you know, you're
successful, you're very creative.

I'm sure there's plenty
more opportunities

- in front of you--
- Yeah, I know, I know.

I know, but it's--

I don't really want
to talk about it,

But it's just
bad out there.

I mean, if I--

You know, two holes in the ground
that were gonna be buildings,

now the banks have--
you know, it's just a bad time.

I have a big office.

But that's just--
it's why I'm a little...

I don't
want to leave.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Here.

You can just
put that right there.

Thank you.

Um...

I haven't seen you
in almost two weeks now.

- Yeah, that's a long time, right?
- I know. God.

- It's good to see you.
- It's good to see you, too.

How long have I
been coming here?

Two and a half
years...?

God... Two
and a half years.

- It's not that long.
- It's not that long?

No.

Feels like a--
feels like...

Doesn't feel
like a long time.

It's been fun,

But it feels like you're a
big part of my life, you know?

I look up and suddenly
you're a big part of my life.

I'd like
to think so.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

You have a lot
of makeup on today.

- Do I?
- Yeah.

I like it,
it's just...

Someone else
have you do that,

or did you just
do it on your own?

- I did it myself.
- Yeah?

This is how
it usually is.

On October 18th I met with Dan.

I wore a vintage black
cashmere sweater,

Earnest sewn jeans

and Pour La Victoire
boots.

Dan talked
the entire time.

We didn't have sex.

He was very upset
about a contract

his firm lost
to I.M. Pei.

He set a date
for Tuesday.

So they gave us a booth

And they started doing
the bottle service,

and they started just
bringing all this shit.

We were totally hammered.
As we're leaving,

some other manager comes in
and decides not to comp it.

It was, like,
10 grand.

10 grand was
our bar bill.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Isn't that sick?

That's a big bar bill.

Oh, I'm sure it was a
lot of champagne, wine.

I don't even know.
There was a little ring of us.

Then it grew. And by the time
there was that outer ring,

I think strangers were just
ordering buckets of beer

- and champagne and shit.
- Oh my God.

It was so fun, though.
I think he charges the movie.

She needs to get
one of those--

what do they call those
things? It's like a vaporizer.

She did.
It didn't last long.

Didn't get her
high enough?

I don't know
what it was.

My buddy tried
one, but he didn't like it.

He's been smoking
a long time

and he missed the burn and
the coughing in the lungs.

He needed it.
The clean thing wasn't enough for him.

Chelsea?

- Hi.
- Hello.

I thought
that was you.

Hi. I'm Ken.

- How are you? David.
- Hi, David.

I'm just taking off,
but I thought I'd say hi.

See you.

And how's Sheila?

She's doing good.
She's doing good.

There's always gonna be
old people too,

No matter what's going on
with the economy.

She's doing okay,
still at the center,

even though she's a little
afraid that, you know--

Cutbacks, recession,
depression--

They might lose their funding.
But that's a long way off.

We should
get together soon.

Yeah, we should
get together.

I think she'd< like that again.
That'd be nice.

You know, there's not a lot
of couples like you guys.

I agree.
There's not a lot of couples like us.

A lot of people think they
can separate love from sex.

And when they
get into it...

they're intimidated, their
emotions arise, they get jealous.

With you guys,
it's simple.

- Chris.
- Jess, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Come into my office.

- How're you doing?
- Great. This place is beautiful.

Are you guys
looking at expansion?

From the looks of this place, it
looks like you're well-funded.

You already have
four locations.

How aggressive are you about
finding other locations?

We do not want
to take over the world.

But we do want
to expand our facilities.

We want about 10 clubs
in the area,

but we certainly don't want
to take over the world.

We want to maintain a
boutiquelike style-- of operating style

So that we can cater
to each member.

So many of the corporate
monsters out there

are very rigid
in their policies,

and that's the last thing
that we want to do.

The problem is with gyms
is it's hard for the--

a-- I have to take
care of my client,

but b-- I need the facility
to take care of my client.

They're with me
for one hour,

but they're in the gym
for the whole year.

I'm liking, I think, that I hear that
that's very important to you guys. Yes?

Absolutely.
Absolutely.

If you look at the club alone,
it's a $15-million facility.

so we have to maintain
retention with our members.

So if we're not getting results,
guess what-- they're gone.

I was wondering
if we could do something

where I could start
working with you more--

not just doing my sessions where
I'm getting a piece of them,

but something where I could
help you train the trainers

or manage the place, and you
could cut me a base salary.

I just have to start doing
more for myself, you know.

I've gone out and checked
some other places out

and felt some
people out and--

You've looked
at other places?

After all the times
I've helped you out here

you've looked
at other places?

I mean, again,
I just looked,

just to feel out what
I was gonna say to you.

And I'm here to you
first, obviously.

How do you feel
about the other places?

I mean, look, I've been
working with you a long time.

I don't want
to leave here.

But at the same time I
need to do something now.

I need to step it up. I've been
doing this for too long, man.

Right now is not
exactly the best time

To start hitting people up
for more money.

I know that.
I know that.

But that's exactly
almost why I have to.

Because I don't know how much
worse things are gonna get.

Or hopefully they turn around
and get better. I don't know.

But all I do know is I've
been doing this long enough

to where I need a change.
If it's gonna be

with you guys,
I would love to do that.

And if it's not, I understand,
but then I have to move on.

You're talking about
more of a management role,

taking a piece of the profits,
stuff like that.

I've been trying for weeks just
to get you to wear the shirts.

And you can't even pass
along with me on that.

I got to be honest with you, Bill,
I'm not a uniform guy.

I mean, I love the gym.
I just don't love the T-shirts.

But if I have
to wear a T-shirt

to be on the team,
I'll do that.

That's what I mean--
more of a team role.

I don't see you
in that role.

I don't get that
feeling from you.

I get you're more of an outsider,
more of an independent

fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants
kind of guy.

- Hi, how can I help you?
- What's your cheapest prepaid phone?

Cheapest prepaid?
Let me show you.

This is $110. You get 200 minutes
and nights and weekends free.

$110 and I only get
200 minutes?

- Yeah.
- I'll give you $80 for it.

No, our cost is $95.
I can't give you for $80.

Then I'll take $95,
and I'll buy two.

No, I can give you
$100 if you want.

Okay, that's fine.
I'll take two then.

Hi, David.
This is Chelsea.

Hi. You're real.
You can never tell with these websites.

So I checked
out your information

and I see
that you're a writer

and your company is in L.A.
Is that where you live as well?

Yeah, I live in L.A.
I'm just in for a couple days.

Do you travel a lot?

I do, you know,
project to project.

I just go wherever
they're shooting.

I'm in New York,
like, five times a year.

What kind of writer
are you?

Screenwriter.

So what are you
looking forward to?

Do you have anything
specific in mind?

Well, you know,

after looking
at your site

I'd just really love to
get together with you.

I'm just feeling
kind of stressed out.

I should probably
see a shrink,

But it seems more fun
to see you.

Why don't you tell me
about yourself?

Are you married?
Do you have kids?

Yes and yes
and no comment.

How many kids
do you have?

I have two
little girls.

Don't make me
feel bad, though.

I won't.

Would you like
to meet tomorrow?

Yes, I would,

But tomorrow is my
screening and my dinner.

That's what
I'm in for.

So I can't do it
tomorrow.

And I leave Friday morning.
How about tonight?

I can't do it
tonight.

Really?

Have you ever even seen
an escort before?

No, this is my first time.
Is it that clear?

Well, no, it's just
that I have this policy

that I usually
don't see a client

unless they've been
with an escort.

You know--

Do you make
exceptions?

Actually, I was just
going to tell you

that I was looking
at your birthday

and it actually coincides
with mine really well.

Let me see if I could
push some things around.

We clicked.
There was something there.

- And I told him that--
- You told him that?

I told him that I was going
out of town for the weekend.

- Right.
- And he didn't like that at all.

And what really
set it off was

when he insulted me
about my, you know--

all my
personology books.

Right.

I had a feeling he didn't
support me in my belief.

And I found out
last night for sure.

So you found out last night
that he's not into astrology?

It's not astrology.

Are you gonna
do this to me too?

- It kind of is.
- It's not.

20,000 people-- that's more
than just reading star signs.

I definitely think
it's important.

It's critical to have
somebody who supports you.

But it's important to,
you know--

I don't want to be
negative, 'cause I think

that feeling when you
connect with a client

is the best feeling
in the world.

I don't want to be
sort of down on that.

It's funny because I wanted
to get away from my parents.

I didn't want to depend on them.
I didn't want their money.

That's more than
half the reason

I started doing this
in the first place.

I have a lot of money
saved up,

and I won't completely feel
like I'm dependent on him,

- monetarily at least.
- Right.

But he made me
feel happy.

And I want to know
if that's something

that will continue
or if it won't.

Do you really believe
what's coming out of your mouth?

You think--
what do you think?

Let me guess--
this guy's married.

Does he have a family?
What do you think's gonna happen?

You're gonna go away
this weekend...

something magical
is gonna happen?

He's gonna go home
to his wife--

who he's cheating on
by the way--

and say, "Hey, Honey,
guess what?

I spent three days with a
hooker, and guess what--"

I don't know what's going to
happen. And that's the point.

I know what's gonna happen.
You know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna go on your
little trip, all right?

And when he's done
playing with you

because he's having
a midlife crisis,

he's gonna leave you
and go back

to his normal,
great life

with his wife
and his family

and he's gonna leave you
high and dry. And guess what--

then you're gonna come back here,
and there's no here anymore.

And you'll be stuck with
you and your books, alone.

I promise you that.

I wish I would've known
you felt like that.

So that's it?

Just fucking blindsides
you out of nowhere?

Blindsides me out of
nowhere, walks in and,

"I am going away with
somebody and it's over.

That's the end
of it."

Buddy, listen.

I feel for you. From fucking
everything you told me about this girl,

you loved her. You were happy.
This was the thing.

So for that
I feel for you.

But, honest to God,
good fucking riddance.

- It's not good riddance.
- It is good riddance.

It's the first girl in
as long as I can remember

that I really care about--
cared about.

Let me tell you, all
women ultimately are evil.

They're the worst species.
They're worse than fucking hyenas,

because they have
all the power.

- I'm sensing a little frustration from you.
- They have all the power.

And they know this.

- Do you ever listen to Jim Rome?
- Yeah, I love Rome.

He always talks
about Charles Barkley,

and he had a bill
at some club in Vegas

for 15 grand
in alcohol.

And he was like,
"It was just an accident. I forgot to pay it."

He walked out on it?

No, it was just like he said,
"put it on my tab,"

and never paid it, honestly
just forgot to pay it.

Sure, Charles.

Sock down $15,000
worth of booze

and then waltz
out of the door.

Then he repeats it,
like, five times.

You see that when they
hand you that funnel cake

with the powdered sugar on it.
It's all hot and crispy.

You think, "this is
gonna be great."

I guess what I'm building up to

is I'm trying to see the role
that this guy plays in your life--

not necessarily your
relationship between him--

I'm not interested in the intimate
details between these two people--

you and your boyfriend.
I'm interested in the kind of relationship

somebody in your business would have
with somebody they actually love.

Let me speak with him and
see how he feels about it.

This journalist mark
is actually really nice.

He's a little intrusive,
but--

Intrusive?
How so?

He's a journalist,
so that's his job, right?

It's just I'm not used
to that really.

He wants
to meet you.

- He wants to meet me?
- Mm-hmm.

What does he want
to meet me for?

He's never met
an escort

that is in a committed
relationship.

He just continues
to keep asking me out.

He's even talked about my
boyfriend too, like if I say--

I feel like he's
gonna be like, "Oh...

bring your boyfriend out,
or we can do this,"

and, "if your
boyfriend's away..."

I know guys that do
stuff like that--

He'll have you bring the boyfriend out
but then hit on you the whole time...

- Exactly.
- That you're with him anyway.

So it doesn't even matter if I
tell him I have a boyfriend or not.

So, I mean...

I don't know what to do.
I'm gonna keep training him

and continue
to blow him off nicely,

but I'm at a loss
right now.

That's like
the worst situation.

I've been there before, but
for girls it's so much worse.

Just kick the crap out of
him every time you see him.

Make him throw up,
so he can't think about

asking you out and then
he'll start to hate you.

I hope so.

- Either that or get in really good shape.
- That's true too.

And then you might want
to go out with him.

I don't know about that.
I'm not sure about that.

You can make him over,
like a work in progress.

- Hi.
- Hi. May I help you?

Glenn wouldn't happen
to be here, would he?

Yes, right this way.

Glenn, someone
to see you.

- Ah, Miss Chelsea, I presume.
- Thanks.

Thanks, Dad.

- What the fuck is up?
- Hello.

So how do you like what I
haven't done with the place?

Uh... This is
your place?

It's kind of
a nice setup.

I've got a little deal
with Pater there.

So you're
supposed to be

a "sophisticated
escort," I read.

Would you like a little Schoenberg?

I could improvise
on it for hours.

Ahem--

So what's
on the menu?

What would you
like to know?

Well, it's not so much
what I'd like to know.

It's what I'd like
to feel.

But again...

I don't think you
really understand

what I can do for you
if this goes well.

I trust you've looked
at my site again.

You've seen
some of the girls

who are the stars of
"The Erotic Connoisseur."

I've got a very big
project coming up

that I think, if this works
out, you'd be perfect for.

I'm organizing a junket,
such as it is,

to Dubai.
You know Dubai?

Lots of money.
Very tall buildings.

Arab people with cash flowing
out of their water faucets.

I'm gonna take a bunch
of girls to Dubai.

Everybody there says that the
Russian hookers are the best.

I want to convince
the Dubai elites

that it's best
to buy American.

It's very-- it's all
on the up and up.

The great thing about
the whole project

is that it sounds like
a white slavery ring,

but it's not.

And again, I think
this could be something

that really ups your profile,
gets you more money.

I want to help you.
And you can help me help you

by giving me a
little bit of a sense

of what you're like
to be with.

How does this trip to
Dubai exactly benefit you?

It benefits
everybody.

I've got some people out
there who set up the capital.

We go out there totally
first-class all the way--

private jet,
champagne...

cocaine--

All sorts of
yummy yummy things.

We're out there.
We spend a week.

On your off-hours you
do whatever you like.

But on your on-hours
I bring you to men

who will pay $2500,
$3500, $10,000

just for the pleasure
of shaking your hand.

And then it goes
from there.

If you want
a piece of this,

it might be...

in your interest

to give me some play.

We talked about review
copy, as it were.

I'd like to see
what it's like

to be with someone

as breathtaking

as you are.

Here I have...

a new, hygienic,

lovely Q-tip.

And maybe...

to get a better sense of something,

you could take
this Q-tip

and swab it a bit
on your treasure part...

give it to me,
whereupon I will

take a little taste,
and in this fashion,

I will be able to discern
whether your treasure part

tastes like
fresh maple syrup

poured onto a hot-off-the-griddle
piece of French toast

on the one hand,
or...

a salt lick doused in
chlorine on the other.

You see, this is the thing.
This is the kind of wordplay

the kind of vivid
verbal imagery

that makes "The Connoisseur"
the connoisseur.

Oh, God.

How'd it go?

Thank you.

Not so well.

But I don't really
want to go into that.

I dealt with that and I
just want to leave it there.

But when I came home,
I tried calling Chris,

'cause I really needed him
and he wasn't there.

And meet you-- like, meet
and talk to you Wednesday?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, what is that
gonna entail?

Hopefully more money.

He said he could help
increase my rate.

That's what he said?

What did he say in
relation to the other girl?

He said he reviewed her
and she did really well.

Do you ever get intimidated
by other women's bodies

that are in
competition with you?

Not at all.
I'm very happy with what I have.

You look great, but this is
a high-stress business, right?

- You know?
- True.

I mean, there's always
somebody else.

- Hi, how are you?
- Good. Thank you.

- Hi there, how are you?
- Hi. Good.

Yeah, so what did he
say about that?

You know how Philip was acting
really strange the other day?

Yeah.

Now I know why.

Why?

Or I think
I know why.

I was shopping today.

And I saw him

and some girl outside
who I've never seen.

I think it's
that new girl,

the one the hobbyist
was talking about.

Oh, that new girl.

You think it was her.

What'd she look like?

Similar to me.
She had long brown hair,

thin, pale skin.

She's taller, though.

And that upsets you, of course.
Listen to me.

I don't know how much
this hobbyist

is playing this
to his own favor--

you guys against each other,
the new girl in the street--

to help himself out and try
to get a freebie off you.

And, honestly,
can I tell you something?

You are the best
at everything you do, okay?

And just because
there's some new girl--

there's always going to be new
girls that come on the scene,

but nobody does
what you do, okay?

So please do me a favor and
do not let it stress you out.

I know you're competitive
and want to be the best,

but you are
the best.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Can you get me
another drink?

Yes, I can get you
another drink.

Excuse me, guys.

I'll take a ginger ale and whatever
looks like a vodka something.

- What's going on, brother?
- Nothing much.

- Nice to meet you.
- Heavy date?

I'm trying
to cheer my girl up.

Not my date.
It's my girlfriend.

That's all right.
She's having a bad day.

He's been checking her out.

"Buy me."

We're having a conversation
with this one here.

Oh, yes?

He's done very well,
as you can see.

- A lot of red dots in that book.
- A lot of red dots.

Actually, that one
is available.

I love that one.

Kind of reminds me
of a crown.

When I went to meet him,

he listened.

He made me feel a way
I haven't felt with Chris

since the first couple
months of being with him,

and probably
more so than that.

Yeah, I mean,
that's great.

I love that when it
happens with a client--

you meet somebody and there's
like a real connection.

It is different.
A client's different

from a boyfriend.
It's a different kind of relationship.

There's boundaries there

where it's just
a little bit artificial,

whereas what you have
with Chris is really--

it's a real relationship.

This is not the end.
This is not the worst.

I think it's going to get much
worse before it gets better.

If I hear one more thing about
this debate, I'm gonna throw up.

If I hear the word "Maverick" one
more time, I'm gonna throw up.

There could be somebody

who just really wants
the real you, right?

I mean,
the real you.

In other words,
that's a lot of money

for a short
period of time.

You don't want to get
the fake diamond.

You want to get
the real diamond.

What else
do you want to know?

Another
blind alley here.

It's the story
of my life.

So listen, the idea
of going home this weekend

is really starting
to bum me out.

And I'm thinking
a crazy thought.

I'm thinking
I'm not going to.

You have any big plans
this weekend?

Want to spend
the weekend together?

Yeah.

Good. You want
to get out of town?

Okay, I'm gonna take
care of some things

I need to do
on Friday morning.

I'm gonna send
a car for you,

take you to this place in the
Hudson Valley I know about.

It's called Monteverde.

And I'm gonna meet you
up there in the afternoon.

We'll spend the weekend together
and see where this thing goes.

Okay.

It's a plan?

About a year ago I found
these books on personology.

So the first thing
I ask a client--

or one of the first
things at least--

is when is their birthday.
And that helps me see

if this person is going
to put me in danger,

if they're gonna be
a risky business decision.

So you vet them out by seeing

if they have their personal
details on the top of their head?

That's right.

The guy you met--
you mentioned him before--

the guy you met
before your boyfriend

that you were kind of
interested in,

he was interested in you.

How did you handle
that situation?

Let's just say
I handled it.

- Yeah, but--
- Or I am handling it.

You are handling it?
It's still going on?

What's next?

Where have you been?

- I've been out.
- Out where?

I've been calling--
I haven't heard from you in hours.

I just had my phone
turned off.

I've been freaking out,
calling you incessantly.

Get that for me.

It broke.

Where have you been?

I told you.
I was out.

It's freezing
out there.

Doing what?

Seeing somebody.
What do you think?

I think that you've been
gone for the entire day

without any contact.
I thought--

I didn't know if you
got attacked or what.

Are you still gonna take
that trip to Vegas?

I have no idea.
No.

I told them, no,
I'm not going to Vegas

'cause you
couldn't come.

I don't know--

What is going on?

- Maybe you should.
- What does that mean?

I met somebody today.

You met somebody?
Okay, what does that mean?

I want to go away
for the weekend.

I'm sorry, I'm not understanding.

You met somebody today--
a client, right?

You know our rule is you
don't go away with clients.

It's just something
I have to do, you know.

No, I don't know.

I don't even know what you're
talking about right now.

Who is this client?

I've actually
never met him,

but there was
something there.

There was definitely
something there.

Today was the first
day you met him?

I just said that,
didn't I?

This is just hard
for me to suddenly--

you're suddenly going away with
someone you met today.

Does this have something
to do with your books?

Yeah, it does.

But that's not
the only reason.

There's just
something about him.

And there's something
I feel I can't miss--

I can't
miss out on.

Okay, let's back up.

Did I do something?
Is this about me?

It's just for two days, Chris.
It's for two days.

- Okay, I get it.
- I don't know what's gonna happen.

Is this because of me
talking about Vegas?

Is this something
to get back at me?

Not at all.

What's this
guy's name?

Don't worry
about his name.

What does this mean, you're
going away for the weekend?

I'm just going away
for the weekend.

That's it or you're
making other plans?

Look, we've been together
for over a year and a half.

I'm gonna need more than just
a "hi, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. I'm going away
for the weekend." All right?

You don't even know
this guy.

Chris, you know
what this means to me.

You know what my books
mean to me.

Books.
You know, look,

I was cool with your books 'cause
it made you feel comfortable

and it made
your work easier,

but at the end of the day they're
books-- written by some guy

that probably has never been
in a relationship in his life

and doesn't know what the
fuck he's talking about, okay?

- You think so?
- Yeah, I think so.

I knew you felt that way.
Why didn't you just admit it?

- Why didn't you admit it?
- Because you weren't talking about leaving me

For a guy that you read
about in a book, okay?

- I didn't say I was going to leave.
- We're not living in a book.

- I said we're going away for a weekend.
- You and I are real.

It's not just a guideline
or a format for my business.

It's for my
fucking life.

No, it's--

We are our lives.
Do you understand that?

What you do for work--
you met a client today.

You didn't meet
your soulmate.

You didn't meet some guy you
read about in a book, okay?

I don't know that
and you don't know that.

No, I do know that.
You don't spend one day with a guy

and destroy
over-a-year relationship.

I mean,
we live together.

We're just gonna
throw that all out?

I didn't say I was
throwing it all out, Chris.

I said I need to find out.
I need to figure this out for myself.

Yeah, well, if you go
on this trip,

you're throwing
it all out, okay?

- You understand that?
- You're so selfish.

There is no going
on this trip.

You're incredibly selfish.

- What did you say? I'm selfish?
- You're selfish.

I'm selfish?
I've bent over backwards for you

- while you go out and fuck guys for money!
- Don't fucking yell at me.

And I don't do anything.
I sit here like a jerk-off all day.

Don't fucking
yell at me.

- Hello.
- Hi, it's David.

- Hi.
- How are you?

A little cold.

Listen, Christine,

I've been thinking
about you nonstop

since we said goodbye.

But I can't come.

What?

I'm sorry.
I can't come.

I have to go home.

I'm already here.

I'm really sorry.

The room's taken
care of, but I just--

I was video-chatting with
my kids this morning

and the tears just started
pouring out of me.

And I realized
I have to go home.

That's it?

I'm sorry.

"with her smoky eyes,

dark straight hair,
and perky little body,

Chelsea would appear
to have the potential

to satisfy in the goth
or girl-next-door modes.

Alas, Chelsea seems intent
on marketing herself

as a sophisticated
escort.

With her flat affect,
lack of culture

and utter refusal to engage,
Chelsea couldn't even dazzle

the likes of
Forrest-fucking-Gump.

And that's just where
the problems begin.

Just as her perky little tits seemed
to literally shrink at my touch,

so too did the connoisseur's
cock fail to launch

at the clammy touch
of her hand

and the lukewarm and loose
embrace of her mouth.

To quote the great sage
Jamie Gillis in 'Misty Beethoven,'

'this number is
the Nadir of Passion.'

A splendid time is absolutely
not guaranteed for all."

# when they leave #

# oh, yeah #

# everyone's
a critic... #

# whoo-oo-oo... #

# ooh-oo-ooh... #

# oh, yeah #

# oh, yeah #

# you ask me #

# to pray
with your beads-- #

- Hi.
- Hi.

Should I come out
or you want to come in?

How are you?

Good.

Can I get you
anything?

I'm fine.

So how's your day
treating you?

It's been all right.

Are you sure?

No.

Want to talk about it?

I really shouldn't.

But it's just been
really bothering me.

Something happen?

There's this guy
who runs a message board

and he's really nobody.

And...

he wanted to meet me

and have sex for the exchange

that in return he'll write
a good review about me,

tell people that I gave him

the time of his life,

which I already know
I do, but--

I shouldn't talk about this.
I'm sorry.

You can if you want.

He took a Q-tip

and he asked me
to put it on my vagina.

This guy probably didn't
shower for three days.

I'm sorry,
I'm really hot.

This guy was
just disgusting

in every sense
of the word.

I'm sorry,
I feel really stupid.

I shouldn't be
talking about this.

It's okay.

Look, you seem like
you need some air.

Do you want
to go downstairs?

You want to take a walk, get
a cup of coffee or something?

Yeah.
I'd like that.

Could you put us somewhere a little
further away from everybody else?

I have something
right over here.

That's better.
Thank you so much.

When somebody-- we agreed
to do this, right?

We agreed to meet here and
have this kind of situation,

which is a transactional
situation like the one

you deal with all the time
in your business, right?

Now we're up to this part
where I'm asking you something

that would actually be
interesting to me,

and I feel you're
holding out on me.

I mean, the thing is that
the inner you is really--

I mean, there's--

in this business it's all
about appearance, right?

If you weren't beautiful, nobody'd
be paying to bang you, right?

To put it grossly,
right?

So the thing is that
if you weren't beautiful,

you wouldn't be
in this business.

Is that right?

Do we agree on that?

So suppose
I like your looks,

but I'm really much more
interested in the real you

because I get a sense from
looking at your picture--

I'm not talking about myself,
but say somebody else--

I got a feeling
looking at your picture

and also looking
into your eyes right now

and the way you're doing
that with your hair

and the way you're wearing
your little outfit there

and all that kind of stuff--
and I like your earrings--

and here's somebody I'd like
to get to know a little better.

So is that iron door
always gonna be closed?

For most people, yes.

Most?

It's possible that
there might be a crack

in that little door
you could walk through?

This kind of thing that you
could possibly get through?

I assume the armor in your
situation must be very thick,

just because
it has to be, right?

So what kind of guy
would it have to be?

- Hi, Naim.
- Hey, Chelsea.

- How are you?
- I'm well. How are you?

Good, thank you.

- You look lovely.
- Thanks.

But it's very important that you
vote for McCain-- very important.

I know. We've had
this discussion.

The state of Israel
must continue.

He's the man.

Everybody's buying gold
'cause they think

it's a good hedge
against the stock market.

A friend of mine
told me that today,

actually said I should
invest my money in gold.

People think that
you should buy diamonds,

but diamonds don't really
have a resale value.

Unfortunately,
it's a myth.

Gold is
the way to go.

Here.

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