Original subtitles

Oh, you're so good.

Oh, yes. I am the best, baby.

- Oh, yeah! - Oh, that was a tit.

That is a tit! Yes!

Oh, you're so big!

Oh, yeah. That's right, baby.

Doggie wants to hide his bone.

I'm bone smugglin', baby.

Man, would you shut up!

Hey, Jimmy. Just wanted to say sweet dreams.

Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.

Kiss good night.

- Something wrong with the reception? - Yeah. Yeah.

There's this nature show that I'm trying to watch.

And the birds are all scrambled and I can't even...

Do me! Yes!

Baby! Ride me like a pony!

The thing must be broken or I sat on the remote or something.

- Getting ready for bed, son? - I'm all set, Dad.

No, I think he's tried to watch some illegal channels.

- lllegal channels? - This is just bad reception, honey.

- Spank my hairy ass! - What's that?

Oh, baby!

You know what? Just give me this, please...

- Oh, my God! - And let's get this...

Okay, okay. What the hell's the matter with this thing?

Yes!

lllegal channels? Shit!

If there's any channel that should be illegal, it's that all-woman's channel.

Lifetime supply of pantihose or some shit.

Did you see The Little Mermaid on TV the other night?

- Ariel, man, she's so hot! - She's a mermaid, dude.

Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on land.

Come on, Vicky, it's Stifler's party. We got to go. It'll be great.

All that happens at Stifler's parties is people get drunk and do it.

Come on, Kevin. Open it.

It's a big, thick envelope, Vicky. You got in.

If you think so, just open it.

Fine.

"Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but after keeping you on the waiting list...

for the past couple of months, we've decided that you are now rejected. "

- Shut up! - You got in.

Yes! I love you!

You think I should wear this shirt to Stifler's party?

You've worn that shirt for three days in a row, man!

Guys, she said it.

- Said what? - She said she loves me.

Holy shit, dude! The "L" word?

Cornell's not that far from "U" of"M."

It's only, like, seven hours. And you get to drive across Canada.

Beautiful country.

Whatever. It's doable.

What we should do today, in band...

instead of playing our instruments regularly, we should play backwards.

- That'd be so funny! - Yeah.

You're talking about a post-high school long-distance relationship.

-And you and Kevin haven't even done it. -That's not why we're going out.

What do you expect him to drive to Cornell for? Milk and cookies?

We're gonna have sex when he's ready and I'm ready.

It's got to be completely perfect.

I want the right time, the right moment, the right place...

Vicky, it's not a space shuttle launch. It's sex.

- Finch. - Here's the man we are looking for.

- What's goin' on, buddy? - Same ol'...

Finch. You got the Latin homework?

It means, "My dog ate it. " It's Latin.

- It's a Latin joke. - Latin. Just drink your coffee.

- No, Jim, it's mochaccino. - What?

It's mochaccino. It's not coffee.

'Nova!

- What's up, dude? - Comin' to the party, you fuckface?

Depends if my date wants to stop by.

- I'm workin' on somethin' new. - I got an idea about something new.

How about you guys actually locate your dicks...

remove the shrink-wrap and fucking use them!

Dude, it's gonna happen. She's a college chick.

Oh, right. I'll see you guys tonight.

I'll look for you in the no-fucking section.

I'm shooting for a 9:00 E.T.A. Beer in hand by five after.

Breath check.

- I wish you wouldn't do that. - You got something up your sleeve?

This is a foolproof plan, my friend.

I have a serious question to ask you guys.

You know Nadia the Czechoslovakian chick? She might be there tonight.

Do you think she would prefer...

laid-back Jim, or...

cool, hip Jim?

I don't think it really matters with that shirt you're wearing.

You're the one with the girlfriend, and you're still stranded on third base.

Hey, at least I know what third base feels like.

- You're still just a batboy. - Batboy. What are you talking about?

Guys, uh...

What exactly does third base feel like?

You wanna take this one?

Like warm apple pie.

Apple pie, huh?

McDonald's or home-made?

Gentlemen, destiny awaits.

That's number five and six for the Stif-meister!

Holy!

Nadia! Buenos dias. Glad you could make it.

I'll be back for you later.

- Another party sultan! - How ya doin'?

Welcome to Stifler's Palace of Love, fellas.

The keg's back there! Enjoy!

Vicky, Jessica! Great to see you. Glad you could make it.

Bitches!

- Sherman! - Hey!

What the fuck are you doin' here?

Fellas! What's goin' on?

Sherman. Not much. Just scopin' the babes.

Indeed! Some fine ladies here, boys.

Confidence is high. Repeat. Confidence is high.

Sherman is movin' to DEFCON 2.

Full strategic arsenal ready for deployment.

You have somethin' goin' tonight, Sherman?

You see that Central chick, Bernette?

She's around. Seems she's taken a liking to me.

It's time she experienced the Shermanator.

Yeah, okay, Sherman. Whatever.

I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time...

to change the future for one lucky lady.

- Go get 'em, tiger. - I'll be back!

- Hopeless. - Completely.

- Hi. - Hey, Vic.

Oh, shit. Guys... Guys...

There's Nadia and she just looked at me.

- She just looked at me. - Why don't you go talk to her?

You're right, Kev. I should just go talk to her.

I could do that. Sure.

That's great!

See ya later.

We're here for the party.

What party? There's no party.

Weird. Try the house down the street.

So, what's your major?

Post-modern feminist thought.

Oh, cool. Great night, isn't it?

Sure.

Yeah, it's just somethin' about the springtime that's just cool, you know?

Like the smell of fresh rain or somethin'.

- Suck me, beautiful. - What did you just say?

Suck me, beautiful.

My friends call me "'Nova," as in Casanova.

That's pathetic.

Jeez, you don't have to laugh at me.

There's just some things you need to learn.

- Like what? - Well, you've got to tone it down.

You don't need to come to a place like Lookout Point...

and spout off cheeseball lines to be romantic.

- Okay. - You have to pay attention to a girl.

Be sensitive to her feelings. Relationships are reciprocal.

Come on, Casanova. I'll take you back to your friends.

Vicky, think it's time to take the next step in our relationship?

- Tonight? - Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.

I mean, it's how you've always pictured it, isn't it?

Damn, my farts fuckin' stink!

Dude, you gotta take a shit! You smell like a Yeti!

Or not.

Just relax.

You actually said that?

Shut up!

You did a hell of a lot better than I did with Nadia.

Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great. That's really reassuring.

Hey, no problem, 'Nova.

Hey, don't call me 'Nova any more. I'm a fraud.

You guys are pathetic.

I'm gonna find myself a little hottie.

"Suck me, beautiful"!

- Let me know. - Okay.

Keep going.

I should be able to talk to girls.

I'm articulate.

You know, I got a 720 on my S.A.T. verbal.

Bullshit. There's no way.

I kid you not, man. Look. Listen.

Copious.

Verisimilitude.

Oh, now.

Suck me, beautiful!

- Damn it, Stifler. - Checkout time!

Please, vacate the room.

You are such a jerk.

God, I can't believe how many cool people are at this party.

And you got a keg too!

- Wow! - Indeed.

Oh, wait. I left my beer downstairs.

No. No. Here, babe!

Thanks.

You're really beautiful. Oh...

- Really? - Oh, yeah.

You know what? I don't know if I want to be doing this.

Doing what?

You know, if we hook up tonight...

tomorrow I'll just be some girl you go telling your friends about.

No way!

Steve, you could at least look at me when you say that!

Look.

Sarah, I wouldn't go telling stories or anything about you.

I promise. So, just relax.

Take it slow, and let the good times roll.

- Okay. - All right.

What's wrong?

What's wrong? What is it?

Xenophobic.

- Regurgitation. - I know that one.

- Kevin likes it. - He likes getting head.

Gee, what a total shocker. What about you, Vicky?

I mean, have you just never had one with Kevin...

or have you never had one, period?

I've had one.

- I think. - Okay.

That's a no. No wonder you're not psyched about sex.

You never even had one manually?

-I've never tried it. -You've never double-clicked your mouse?

Nice!

Jesus! How much did you drink?

Hey, Stifler?

- How's the pale ale? - Fuck you!

- That's Stifler's mom? - Yup.

Shit. I cannot believe a fine woman like this produced a guy like Stifler.

- Dude, that chick's a "MILF." - What the hell is that?

M-I-L-F... Mom I'd like to fuck.

Yeah, dude! Oh, yeah!

- Yeah! MILF! - Hey, guys.

- Come here. - Sherman, what's goin' on?

Don't you think you fellas could try a little tact?

I got company, if you know what I mean?

She's hot!

If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be really pissed.

The Shermanator?

Come on, man.

MILF! MILF!

MILF! MILF! Hey, dude. What are you doin' to her, dude?

Oh, my God, bro, dude.

Enough of this blow job bullshit. I gotta get laid already.

That's nice. Really, really nice.

- Can I have a ride? - Sure.

- Vicky, wait. - Not for you.

Yeti! I am the Yeti!

- Good morning, gentlemen. - Finch, where were you last night?

What happened to that foolproof plan of yours?

I was going for a fashionably late entrance, and I was too late.

So, no ladies left.

It was a very special night, very special.

Guys. Guys.

- I'll never forget this. - I'll never forget it, either.

Thank you.

Fellas, say goodbye to Chuck Sherman, the boy.

I am now a man.

I highly recommend you join the club.

We were doin' the wild thing all night.

I'm exhausted.

I don't get it. How the hell did you do that?

It was just my time. It was just my time.

Best of luck to you boys.

- I cannot believe this. - Come on, guys.

We should be happy for Sherman.

No, we shouldn't be.

You know, I put in months of quality time with Vicky.

Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores.

- This is just wrong. - No shit.

How the hell am I supposed to become Mr Sensitive Man?

We're all gonna go to college as virgins. You realize this, right?

They probably have special dorms for people like us.

All right. I got an idea. But it's got to stay between us.

It's really simple. We just got to make an agreement.

It's more than an agreement.

- A bet? - A pact.

No money involved. More important than any bet.

Here's the deal. We all get laid before we graduate.

Dude, it's not like I haven't been trying to get laid.

Think about when you work out, Oz. You gotta have someone to spot you.

Someone to keep you motivated. That's what we can do for each other.

We'll be there to keep each other on track.

Separately we are flawed and vulnerable, but together...

we are the masters of our sexual destiny.

Their tiger-style kung fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it.

Guys!

The Shaolin masters from East and West must unite!

- Fight, and find out who is number one. - Guys!

Come on. You're ruining my moment here. This is our very manhood at stake.

We must make a stand, here and now.

No longer will our penises remain flaccid and unused!

We will fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid and should be.

This is our day. This is our time.

And, by God, we will not stand by and watch history condemn us into celibacy.

- Amen. - I like that.

- We will make a stand. We will succeed. - 'Bout time!

We will get laid!

The sex.

It's got to be valid, consensual sex.

No prostitutes. That's what you're thinkin', Finch.

Busted.

So, basically, prom is our last chance.

- Dude, prom sucks. - I know.

But you gotta think about it this way.

I mean, all the parties afterwards? The chicks are going to want to do it.

He's right. It's like tradition or something.

- Like the Rose Bowl. - So, that gives us...

Exactly three weeks to the day.

- We're gonna do this. - To the next step!

Next step!

Well, did you get the flowers?

You'll get her back soon enough.

- You think so? - She likes you.

- I like her too. - Do you love her?

You know what? You can't really ask me that.

If you want to get her in the sack, just tell her you love her.

- That's how I was duped. - Look, Jessica.

I don't want to dupe her.

All right. What you need to do is learn how to press a girl's buttons.

You have to give her what she's never had.

- What's that? - Let me give you a hint.

Comprende? - You mean an orgasm.

You got it, stud.

Well, I'm pretty sure that I've given her a...

- No, you haven't. - Well, there was one time...

- No. - Oh, man.

Look, kid, it's up to you. The big "L" or the big "O."

Dickhead! You gotta see this.

Do you believe in magic In a young girl's heart

How the music can free her whenever it starts

And it's magic if the music is groovy It makes you feel...

What did you cocks do to him?

I'll tell you about the magic It'll free your soul

But it's like tryin'to tell a stranger 'bout rock 'n'roll

Great. See you next time.

Hey, guys. Came to watch me in action?

- I think you sounded pretty good. - Yeah, man.

I think you need your balls reattached.

- Hey, keep it down, dude. - What the fuck are you doing here?

This place is an untapped resource.

I mean, check it out. These vocal jazz girls are hot.

Why the hell is he joining jazz choir so late?

Maybe he's preparing for another senior year at East?

You guys, we don't even know him.

You dipshit!

You're expecting to score with some goody-goody choirgirl priss?

These chicks don't know me. I can work the sensitive angle here, fellas!

You know, it's just like that college chick told me.

All that you gotta do is just ask 'em questions...

and listen to what they have to say and shit.

I don't know, man. That sounds like a lot of work!

Just a second!

Come in. Come in.

Oh, Jim, you're here.

I was just walking by your room and...

And, you know, I was thinking, "Boy, it's been a long time since we've had...

a little father-son chat. "

Oh! I almost forgot. I bought some magazines.

Do you just want to flip to the centre section?

Well, this is the... this is the female form.

And they have focused on the breasts...

which are used primarily to feed young infants...

and also in foreplay.

Right.

This is... This is Hustler.

And this is a much more exotic magazine.

Now, they have decided to focus more on the pubic region...

- Right. - The whole groin area.

Look at the expression on her face. You see that? See what's she's doing?

She's kind of looking right into your eyes saying...

"Hey, big boy. Hey, how ya doin'?"

- You see? - Right.

Shaved is a magazine I'm not too familiar with...

but, again, if you flip to the centre...

section...

Well, you see the detail that they go into in this picture here.

It almost looks like a tropical plant or something, underwater thing.

- Do you know what a clitoris is? - Oh, my God.

- Don't say, "Oh... " - I know what a clitoris is.

You've been there and back. You know everything.

I've learned about it in Sex Ed. I don't need you to talk about clitoris.

You know what? I'm sorry, okay?

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have got hot there. You know what I'm going to do, Jim?

I'm going to just leave these books here...

for you to peruse at your... at your leisure.

Wait!

Well, safer than a tube sock.

- Okay, that was good. - Yeah.

- See you at dinner. - Yeah. I'll see you at dinner.

So, Finch, this is your plan?

You know, I don't think girls are into the whole mini-golf thing.

Kevin, I'm sure that they're not.

Actually, there is one small matter that I need to ask for your cooperation in...

- in the spirit of this pact. - What do you need?

Whatever you hear about me, you agree. And tell all the boys the same thing.

Look, I gotta go. Sixteen minutes round-trip.

You know, Finch, it's senior year.

Don't you think it's time you learned how to take a dump at school?

When was the last time you looked at the facilities in this school?

Excuse me. That's Paul Finch, right?

You've seen him in the locker room, right?

My friends, they want to know: Is it true?

You know, that he's equipped.

I have no idea. Finch showers with his bathing suit on.

I mean...

As a matter of fact, it is true. The guy's huge!

- Does he have a date for the prom yet? - No, definitely not.

All right. Thanks.

Oh, man!

So I was thinking maybe you could give me some advice, brother to brother.

I thought you might know a trick or somethin'to make her...

Orgasm?

- Yeah. - What's good here?

- Try the spicy tuna hand roll. - What?

How do you do that?

Never mind that. Pay attention.

Is that all that you're interested in, tryin' to get your girl into bed?

It'd be good to be able to, you know, return the favour.

Be nice to know she enjoys things as much as I do.

Good. That's what I wanted to hear. Now you qualify.

- Qualify for what? - You've just inherited the Bible.

It originally started as a sex manual...

this book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam.

Each year it got passed on to one East student who was worthy.

Now, it's full of all sorts of stuff that guys have added over the years.

But you have to keep it a secret and return it at the end of the year.

So now you know. Good luck.

- If you believe in magic - Magic

Don't you bother to choose

If it's jug band music or rhythm and blues

Just go and listen It will start with a smile

That won't wipe off your face no matter how hard you try

Your feet start tappin' And you can't seem to find

How you got there

Do you believe in magic

Yeah, magic

What was that?

- Sorry. - No, it was good.

Well, it... It came from the heart.

Keep it coming. All right, people, good work.

Don't forget. The state competition's a couple of weeks away, so keep on it.

- Not bad, Chris. - Really?

Thanks. Heather, right?

You've got this sort of Frank Sinatra thing going on.

Right. I feel like I've discovered this whole new side of me.

I mean, music is so expressive.

Okay, I agree, but aren't you supposed to be out...

trying to decapitate someone with your lacrosse stick or something?

Oh, sure, sure. You know, I know what people think.

It's like, "Oz, he's just this kick-ass lacrosse player. "

I also play football, by the way, but that's not all that I am, you know?

Of course, I didn't...

It really bothers me when people try to pigeonhole me like that.

You? You think I don't get that?

God, it's like just because I don't get drunk and barf every weekend...

that people say, "Look, there's this Goody Two-Shoes choirgirl priss. "

Yeah. So, like, what else do you do?

Well, the same things you do...

like hang out with friends and stuff.

Why? What do you think I do?

I just realized that I don't know anything about you. I was interested.

What do you want to know?

You know, stuff about you.

All right.

Mom, I'm home!

Oh, yeah.

It's not what it looks like.

Well, we'll just tell your mother that...

that we ate it all.

Goal by number eight, Chris Ostreicher.

- Nice game. - Good game.

Hey, what are you doin' here?

Just enjoying my first exhilarating lacrosse experience.

- You kicked butt. - Oh, thanks.

- Chris... - You can call me Oz.

- Do I have to? - You can call me Ostreicher.

- What's your middle name? - Forget it.

- I won't tell anyone. - Well, neither will I.

So, I had this thought and...

It may seem like it's way out of left field.

I don't know if you can...

but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe...

Those guys sucked ass!

Choir chick, what the hell are you doing here?

Well, I was asking Chris to prom.

So, do you want to go?

Oh, yeah! That would be great.

Just don't expect Oz to pay for the limo!

Stifler, fuck! I mean...

Why do you got to be so insensitive all the time?

What?

Whatever. Look, don't forget. My cottage after prom.

On Lake Michigan.

Wait up, you pussies!

Well, I gotta hit the showers now...

but I think this is gonna be really, really good.

Yeah. Me too.

All right.

- Happenin' Oz! - Working with the choir chick?

What d'ya say, fellas? I just dig those cute little sweaters she wears.

Nuts you do, you little horn dog.

Yeah! Yeah, baby!

Spank me! Spank me!

Hit that high "C"!

What's goin' on?

I was being selfish and majorly insensitive.

I'm a total idiot. I mean, a fool, a buffoon.

I think shithead really says it.

You're right. I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you.

Oh, yeah? How?

Vicky, shh. Your parents are downstairs.

- Kevin, don't stop! -Just a second.

Hon, can you tell Vic to come on down for supper?

Holy shit!

Shh. You know there's no lock on your door?

I'm coming! I'm coming!

- Oh, Jim! - Dad.

I was just looking at the old family portrait out here.

Well, that was a fun day wasn't it?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Jim, I want to talk about masturbation.

I just want you to know that it's a perfectly normal thing.

And I have to admit, you know...

I did a fair bit of masturbating when I was a little younger.

I used to call it "stroking the salami. "

You know, "pounding the ol' pud. "

I never did it with baked goods. But you know your Uncle Mort?

He "pinched the one-eyed snake" six times a day.

See, it's like practise for the big game.

You see? It's like... It's like...

banging a tennis ball against a brick wall.

Which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.

- Right. - It's not a game.

What you want is you want a partner to return the ball.

- Do you want a partner? - Yeah, I want a partner.

- You do? - I want a partner.

Want a partner. Good. Good.

So, once Hal becomes king, he has to take on...

the responsibilities of leadership and turn his back...

on his old, drunken friend, Falstaff.

You see, Hal is going through a rite of passage, much like you all are.

So make most of the time you've got left together. You'll miss it later.

So, does your tongue cramp up?

Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though.

Wow. That's amazing. She's probably gonna want to do it soon.

All right. Class dismissed.

Still questing after the Holy Grail, huh, guys?

- Hey, where's Finch? - He went home to take a shit.

I don't get it. How does a guy like that get this sudden reputation?

- What reputation? - Observe.

Excuse me. Do you know who Paul Finch is?

Yeah! He's the guy with the tattoo, right?

You know, the eagle and the blazing fire and that stuff.

If you guys see him later, will you tell him Courtney says hi?

Bye.

Okay. Explain.

I can't. I don't know how he's doing it.

I guess that just leaves Jim trailing.

-Jimbo! - Better sack up, buddy!

Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.

James? You are very good in the world history class, yes?

Me? Yes. No...

Yes, I am.

Perhaps you could help me with my studies.

Yeah. Absolutely. That would be great sometime.

- How about tomorrow? - Well, I have ballet practise.

Perhaps I could come by your house afterwards?

I could change clothes at your place.

Yeah. I suppose that would be okay.

Sure.

Nice car!

- I'm glad you think so. - You don't like it?

No, I like the car. By the way, though, about prom?

That was a bad idea. I'm sorry I invited you.

- What are you talkin' about? - Please.

I asked you because I thought you might actually be worth going with.

But you are just a jock. No, wait. You're a jerk.

Wait! I don't understand.

I saw you making fun of me with your lacrosse buddies.

I wasn't makin' fun of you.

Give me a break. You're so full of it.

Fuck me! There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house.

And you're not gonna do anything about that?

What am I gonna do, huh? Broadcast her over the Internet?

- Yeah. - You can do that?

No. I cannot do that to her.

Jim, get some fuckin' balls.

If you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick...

how you gonna sleep with one?

I don't like the kid, but he's got a point.

See, even Shit-break knows you should do it.

All you gotta do is set up some sort of private link or whatever on the 'Net...

and tell me the address.

You can send me the address too.

I'll save you a seat.

How sweet it is to be loved by you, by you

I needed the shelter of someone's arms

Someone's arms

- There you were - You were

I needed someone who understands my ups and downs

There you were

Okay, that was good, but I want to thicken up that solo.

Michigan State is this Saturday, and I want that part to smoke.

Yeah, I know, my timing's off.

It's not that. I think it'll work better as a duet with a tenor part.

I'll do it.

- Dick. - I'll do it.

Great. See you tomorrow.

- Why are you doing this? - 'Cause I want to.

Yeah? Well, you can't fake this.

You better practise.

Come in.

Jim? There's a... a young lady here to see you.

- Hey, Nadia. - Hi, James. Ready to study?

He's always ready to study. He's a real bookworm.

Dad.

He's not one of those nerdy guys...

Dad!

Well, I'll let you two hit the books.

You want a beer?

- Oh, there we go. - Come on, move!

Steve! It's my computer, and I wanna use it!

Shut up!

You need to change, right?

- Uh, do you mind? - No, not at all.

Please, you know. Just go ahead and get changed.

I'll go downstairs and start studying up.

There he goes.

Now we're in business.

- Back in a sec. -Jimmy, honey...

Here she is.

- Did I miss anything? - No. You are just in time.

- Oh. Oh! - This is incredible.

Oh, my God! This is too much.

Oh, did you see? Oh, there that goes. Oh, Jeez.

God bless the Internet.

- Do it. Take it off. - Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you, God, for this wonderful, wonderful day.

She takes her vitamins.

Stop hyperventilating.

This is, like, the coolest thing I've ever seen.

I know.

This is definitely one of Stifler's best ideas ever.

What is she... She's touching my stuff.

- Why is she touching my stuff? - Let her touch.

- She's going through my stuff! - Nadia can touch anything she wants.

- No, no. - Nice collection there.

She's gonna leave. She's definitely gonna...

She's getting comfortable. She's not gonna leave.

She reads the articles.

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