All language subtitles for The Con Is On.en

What the fuck you doin' here?

Where's Irina?

She sent me instead.

Let's look at the package.

Give this to Irina and don't fuck it up.

It's about fuckin' time.
Where the hell you been?

- I was at church.
- Oh.

- Hello, darling.
- Hello, darling. Mwah, mwah.

How'd it go?

Ooh, I see it went well.

-Irina will be pleased.
- Very.

- Fancy a bump?
- Just a tiny one.

Maybe I'll borrow a little cash.
Irina won't miss a grand or two.

May I?

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Psst!

Hi there, handsome.

What's your name, sexy?

Fuck off.

All right, mate.

All right, mate.

Oi, Harry.

- Have we landed?
- No, we haven't fuckin' landed.

I'm being accosted by a tanning booth.

This flight's a fuckin' nightmare.

I've been abused,
and I've paid for the privilege.

Why do we have to go to Los Angeles?

It's the safest place
we could possibly be.

I mean, she'll be looking for us
in every hotel bar in London.

Oh, she'll do.
She'll hunt us down.

She'll find us. She'll torture us.

Me first.
She's never liked me for some reason.

Here. Take this. You'll feel much better.

- What was that?
- I don't know.

- Xanax, possibly.
- All right.

Los Angeles is horrible.

It's like a theme park
built on a fault line.

Shh! No, no, no, no.

No. Right.

Bye, luv.

Oh, yeah, who was that then?

Now, darling, don't get upset.

It was Sidney, wasn't it?
I might have known.

- He's an old friend.
- He's an evil old pederast.

If we're gonna see Sidney,
I need a fuckin' drink.

I'm as dry as a schoolgirl's knickers.

Once again...

I'm being asked to prostitute myself
for the sake of a criminal venture.

All I'm asking is that you
take one for the team, all right?

It's your own fault
for being so bloody beautiful, isn't it?

- Here. Take this.
- I already took one.

- Take another one.
- All right.

And take... one of these.

All right.

Go in peace, my child.

- Well, well, let me drink you in.
- Sidney.

My dear, dear Harry.

And, my own boy.

Oh, my.
Haven't we been filling out, hm?

When I think back to how scrawny you were
when we first met.

Like a little bird, a fledgling.
And now, look at you.

Proud cock.

I do hope you've forgiven
your uncle Sidney

for that little mishap in Turkey?

I couldn't bear to think of you
being angry with me.

Of course he's forgiven you.
It was only for a few months.

Mm, I can't even imagine the horrors
you were subjected to in that sordid jail.

I want you to tell me all about it.
Every little detail, hm?

- All the ins and outs.
- Sidney?

We need a word.

Yes. This way, my pets.

- He's new.
- Yes, the last one split.

You know, I don't think
I've seen you since Istanbul.

It's been an age.
What have you been doing with yourself?

Well, you know, this and that.

Import, export. A little poker.

- How are you?
- Oh, much the same.

Still battling this interminable ennui.

You know, life is simply insupportable
without you, Harry.

- Well, I'm back.
- So I see.

Staying with us long, I hope?

- Fuck,no!
- That depends.

- A package has arrived.
- Thank you, Kim Kim.

Sidney...

-we need some work.
- And money. Shed loads of money.

So I heard.
How much do you owe Irina, in fact?

- So you know about it, do you?
- Yes.

- She is making rather a fuss, you know.
- Is she? I can't imagine why.

I borrowed
a little from her at poker.

Nothing, really. You know how it is.

Where is she?

- Get us some drinks, luv.
- Drink?

- Yeah. Get us a round of drinks.
- Yeah, you want?

- Yeah.
- Okay. I get.

Irina put a price on your head.
You were aware of that, I take it?

I never knew she cared.

Oh, I think we can both agree
that that just isn't true, is it, darling?

And as for you. You're a very naughty boy.

I have a good mind to put you over my knee
and give you a very sound spanking.

But as it is, I do have a small amount
of opium that needs delivering.

Really? How small?

Oh... a comfortable amount.

- We'll do it for 50.
-35.

- 40.
- I'm so weak.

Because I love you, Harry.

- The, uh, usual method, do you think?
- Of course.

Gorgeous.

I'm not doing it.

Certainly not for 40 fuckin' grand.

I mean it. I'm not doing it.

We need the money, darling.

I've had so many things
stuffed up my ass,

I might as well get a boyfriend
and move to San Francisco.

Don't be such a baby.
It'll be over before you know it.

Quite frankly, we have no fucking choice.

- Where is she?
- I've not seen her in months.

Don't fuckin' lie to me.

I am not.

That bitch still owes me.

Money, from a game in Hackney.

When you find her, you can tell her that.

- Yes?
- Irina, my angel.

- How are you?
- What do you want?

Well, it's been such a long time,
hasn't it?

I've been meaning to call you up
and have a nice little chat with you.

B-But where does time go, hm?
Where do you think?

- Sidney, I'm busy.
- Well, this won't take long.

I understand that you're looking
for a certain person,

and that you're prepared to pay
a very handsome price.

Hold on.

Talk to me.

We need a hotel.

We need a better plan
than drugs up my bum.

- Welcome to the Chateau Marmont.
- Thank you.

'Stop, stop!

- Oh, my God! I am--
- You nearly killed him!

- I am so sorry. I--
- Darling, are you all right?

- He could've killed me.
- Where's the manager?

Uh, this way, please. I--

I only hope this suite goes some way

towards making up
for this unfortunate accident.

It'll do.

And call a doctor.

- I need some painkillers.
- Right away, sir.

Send us a personal shopper, will you?
We seem to have misplaced our clothes.

- Absolutely.
- Chop-chop. On you go.

Fix us a drink, darling.

We're supposed to be going
on fuckin' holiday.

We've gone abroad, haven't we?
It's what you wanted.

Well, Los Angeles is not holiday.
It's a fuckin' lobotomy.

And being hunted down by Joseph Stalin
is far from relaxing. Gin and tonic?

Lovely. What do you think?

Fuckin' whore!

That's not the look I was going for, but--

No, no. No. Not-- not you.

- It's Jackie. Look.
- Oh!

Looks like
she's having trouble at home.

- Perhaps we should pay her a visit.
- No, no. Don't get distracted, darling.

You leave Jackie out of it.

Of course.

- How many have you had?
- Four.

- You need to catch up.
- Four martinis, please.

I hope seeing Sidney
isn't the extent of your plan.

How the hell are we gonna pay Irina back?
Any ideas, mate?

I can always get in on some games.

- Are you insane?
- What?

My wife has a gambling problem.
The problem is she's no bloody good.

- And tell me one thing, my sweet.
- Mm-hm?

Why does she hate you so much?
And it's not solely because of the cash.

There's some other reason.

I want to know what it is.

- Oh, you do, do you?
- Yes, I do.

Let's say she had a little crush on me.

Do you mind?
This happens to be a private conversation.

- And when was this?
- Oh, years ago. You didn't know me then.

I was in Monte Carlo
doing some charity work.

- Charity work? In Monte?
- Do you want to hear this story or not?

Carry on.

I was raising funds on behalf
of a large charitable organization.

Irina was engaged in a similar activity

and we decided to fundraise together.

We made a good team
and we worked together tirelessly.

Day and night, actually,
raising money for the orphans.

We persuaded people
to make some very generous donations.

But sadly,
she was rather difficult to work with.

After Monte Carlo,
I didn't plan on seeing her again.

And I didn't.

Until Istanbul.

I had no idea she'd be there.

I was taken completely by surprise.

Well, you didn't seem
too upset to see her.

- Not from where I was sitting.
- I had no clue they were setting you up.

Oi!

I went to jail for three months.

Harry!

You utter tart!

She's not after you solely for the cash.

She's pursuing you with romantic intent.

I don't know. It's possible.
What's the difference, anyway?

- Well, I'll tell you, my sweet.
- Hm?

It's called "taking one for the team,"
remember?

- Well, it's your turn, now.
- Oh, no. It's not possible.

- And why not?
- I couldn't guarantee your safety.

She can't bear that I married you.

- She wants you dead.
- Eh?

Mm, that's why we've got to pay her back
and stay the fuck away from her.

Forty fuckin' grand
ain't gonna get us far, is it?

- It's a start.
- It's a drop in the ocean.

Oh, yes. Of course.

What?

Yes. Yes, yes.

- What, what, what?
- Time to visit that bitch you married.

You do realize I still owe her

for bailing me out
of that jail you landed me in.

Not to mention the ten grand
I borrowed last time I saw her.

She won't remember that. I mean,
this time it could be a... an emergency.

You could need a new kidney.
How much do those go for?

Maybe it's heart surgery or a brain tumor.

Oh, there she is.
The whore of Basildon.

Jackie fuckin' Harlow.

When I married her,
she was Tiffany Wheeler from Essex.

Actress/ohatroorn whore.

You were an idiot to marry her
in the first place.

I was off my tits.

It was the longest three days of my life.

Eventually, she abandoned me
in some nightmare called Tenerife.

Darling, I'm going
to get my nails done!

- Is that the husband?
- Fuckin' weirdo film director.

- Successful?
- Very.

Hans? There's dog poo everywhere,

and I don't want the gardener
to have to clean it up. Can you do it?

One, two, three.

Oh, dear, bless.

We need to call her,
arrange a meeting.

Lunch, dinner.
Get us invited to the house.

"Us"? Don't you mean me?

- She fuckin' hates you.
- What? She's never even met me.

- Fine, you call her.
- Well, the last time I called her,

-she threatened to phone the police.
- All right, all right.

Maybe it's better
if we bump into her casually.

- Fuck.
- Fuck.

White bubble. White bubble.

White bubble. White--

Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck.

Fuck it. Fuck it! Why don't you watch
where you're fuckin' going, you--

Hi, Jacks.

Peter! Peter!

- Oh, my God, I've missed you!
- Sorry about that.

Oh, don't worry about that.
That's just a scratch.

- My God, what are the odds?
- I know, right?

- I mean it must be fate or destiny or--
- Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

Oh, s-- Yeah, sorry. Come by.

We had a wreck.

So what are you doing in LA?

Oh, you know,
hiding out from gangsters and that.

- Are you alone?
- Oh, yes, quite alone. Yeah.

Where's that crook you married?

Oh, you mean Harry?
Well, we're, you know...

She's left you again?
Well, thank God for that.

Let's hope it's for good this time.
Now listen, Peter.

You should come by the house tomorrow.
You and I really need to talk.

- Oh.
- Oh, yes. It's new.

- Do you like it?
- It's, um... It's beautiful, Tiffany.

- Gabriel bought it for me.
- Oh.

Atonement for his sins.

He must've been very bad.

Yes. He was.

He was very, very bad.

Oh.

- It's just a ring.
- Didn't need it.

- Wouldn't miss it.
- Didn't even seem to like it.

- Ooh.
- How much do you think it's worth?

- A small fortune, I should imagine.
- Oh?

Certainly enough to pay off Irina.
You deserve this, darling.

- I do?
- Alimony.

- Compensation for being married to her.
- Yeah, that's true. True.

- Yeah. It is.
- Too bloody right.

Hello, there. I'm Sandy.

I'll be taking care of you guys
this evening. How are you doing?

Well, a few seconds ago, I was fine,
but now I'm feeling rather depressed.

That's awesome. So our philosophy is this:
we're a farm-to-table restaurant,

it's all small plates,
and we like to share.

Well, we don't.

So, two very dry vodka martinis
with a twist, please.

God, I love you.
You're a bloody genius, you are.

Here's to you, my little thief.

Oi, Sandy!

Sandy!
Where's that fuckin' martinis?

Now, when you're in the house,
make an excuse to leave her.

Do a little reconnaissance.

Figure out where the bedrooms are,
find the exits, that sort of thing.

All right, all right. So, get in there,
get the ring, get the fuck out of here.

Pay Irina back
and Bob's your uncle, get it?

- Got it.
- Good.

Well, give us a kiss for good luck.

Mmm.

You don't need luck.
I have complete confidence in you.

- Now, don't fuck it up.
- Right.

Looking for Jackie.

Oi!

Jackie!

Jackie. Oi!

Hey! This is my safe room!

This is my safe room! Out!

Out! Out, out!

Out, out...

- Fuck me, it's Gina.
- Surprise, surprise. Look who's back.

Let me guess. Broke? No credit?
Bailiff's at the door?

Abandoned by your criminal wife
in some foreign jail?

Stop me when I'm getting warm.
Unstable?

Medication's not working?

- Mine is. Now.
- Where's Jackie?

You're looking for Jackie?
You're looking for Jackie?

You're following crumbs, crumpet?
Where's Jackie?

Where's Jackie? Jackie?

Jackie! Jackie!

Jackie!

She's downstairs.

All right.

Peter Fox?

Very nice. Very nice, indeed.

- Who are you?
- I'm Jackie's assistant. I'm Hans.

- I will fuck you.
- I seriously fuckin' doubt it, mate.

- Ja, ja, it could happen.
- Nein, nein. You won't, mate.

- Ja,ja, it will, I said.
- Nein.

Well, we can't have the fireworks
on the front lawn,

because we can't have everyone
trudge across the grass to see them.

What about their shoes?

- Yeah, but we talked about--
- Well, don't contradict me.

I don't think you quite understand
what's going on here.

And I do slightly feel
I'm gonna have to do it all myself.

Oi, oi.

Peter Fox. There you are.

You came.

I brought you here today
because I wanted to tell you something.

Can we be quiet, please, everybody?

Shh! Thank you.

I've decided to forgive you.

- For everything.
- Oh.

Right. Jolly good.

Gurmukh wants me to forgive
everybody who's wronged me.

So you're forgiven.

This way.

The fuck's a "Gurmukh"?

See, I want to hear everything.
How have you been?

And what are you doing in LA?

How long are you here for
and why haven't you called?

- Om.
- Oh yes. Om.

Thank you, Gurmukh.
Gurmukh could help you too, possibly.

See, I'm throwing a costume ball for
Gabriel's movie, which you must come to.

Ja, Gabriel has been nominated for
an actual award for Le Noir et Le Rouge .

Who gives a fuck?

- I need a drink.
- Yeah, they're right over there.

Nothing for me, thanks.
I'm on a juice cleanse.

- Go on.
- Bollocks.

God is a communist. I'm not a communist.

Although, uh, some people
might say I am a god.

Oh.

Oh, this is that, uh, ring
that I was telling you about.

This cost many millions of dollars.
I got it at an auction. It's...

How many millions, exactly?

-5.675.
- Oh.

- You can see the way it--
- Darling?

Peter's here. Say hello to Peter.

Oh.

Ooh.

He came into the safe room.

He was looking for me.

How much is this guy
gonna cost me this time?

Darling, Gurmukh wants us to be nice.
He wants us to forgive.

Remember?

Forgive me, my muse.

I know it doesn't look
like we're working right now

but we are working right now
and you are needed.

- On set!
- I can't be late for set.

You mean you can't be late for Vivien.

Vivien, Vivien, Vivien.

And that... is how you make a bull shot.

Thank you very much.

Two more, please.

The problem with attending a party
is that we have to attend a party.

Her friends are gonna be horrible.

You still haven't told me
how you expect to get away with it.

You could switch it.

Switch it?

Switch the real ring with the fake one.
You just need to spike her drink.

Is that the best you got, is it?
Knock her out and nick it?

- You think it could work?
- It has to.

Without that ring,
we're fucked 400,000 times.

And I promise you, we will bleed.

Can't get a decent
cup of tea in this country.

Never mind tea. I need a drink.
Where the fuck is that old bitch?

- She said it was ready.
- She did, didn't she?

Ah! Xiéxie, Wendy.

Ah!

- Not enough. More!
- Oi!

- You're welcome!
- That was a bit priggish, huh?

That's the last of our cash.
We gotta do it tonight at the party.

- Go on.
- What the fuck am I gonna wear?

- We spike Jackie's drink.
- Yes.

- We do the switch.
- Yes.

- And an hour later, we're on a plane.
- Yes! No. Wait.

Jackie does not react
at all well to drugs.

They do not agree with her at all.

- I can imagine.
- No, no. You can't imagine.

She's banned for life
from British Airways.

She's not even allowed in Canada.

- She is not to be underestimated.
- I can handle her.

Perfect.

Fuck.

Congratulations on your nomination.
I know you're the frontrunner at--

- I'm so glad you're here.
- Fuck me.

- I can't.
- Why not? I want you.

- Because Jackie's right inside.
- Fuck that fat canary.

Yeah, but there's photographers
everywhere.

Hey.

- This is a private party, man.
- Yeah, but I was hired.

- Hans. Take care of this.
- Yes, sir.

- Now, Gabriel--
- Shh! Shh!

I took Singapore Airlines
First Class from London.

Much better than Virgin.

I took Air France First
and they had a chef.

Well, I got a massage on Virgin.
It still doesn't compare to Singapore.

Those terrorists.
They ruined everything.

I've never seen
so many ugly people in my life.

Have any of these people ever even seen
a fashion magazine before?

Mentally, I'm giving everyone a makeover.

Look at that bitch, Jackie.
She's a revolting slut.

Never mind a stylist,
she needs a psychiatrist.

They're saying that my films
are completely self-referential.

Because you are a genius.

You're the finest actress
of your generation.

I know.

I'm so excited you guys
are making a movie together.

- How did the shoot go today?
- It was a very difficult scene, but...

- I was magnificent.
- You were magnificent.

Leave.

- Chopped.
- Bitch.

These fuckin' people.

Makes me want to go on a three-day
smack binge in a brothel in Bangladesh.

Darling,
you're just too old-fashioned.

- That's your problem.
- A fuckin' dying breed, I am.

- Here. Give this to Jackie.
- When?

- Now.
- All right. Here.

Well, drink it.

- No, I'm not drinking, just sniffing.
- Oh.

Look at them. You know there are rumors
about them all over town.

- Who?
- My husband and that bad actress.

Look at her.
She's such a slag.

Uh! Two can play that game.

Going.

She's going to pass out in just a second.

Wouldn't count on it.

I don't know, but I am on fire tonight.

You are on fire tonight.

- I'm like a tornado.
- You're like a tornado.

- I am like the Fourth of July.
- You're like the Fourth of July.

- I'm so sexy tonight.
- You are so sexy tonight.

- And I have such beautiful hair tonight.
- You have such beautiful hair tonight.

- Come with me.
- I'll come with you.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

- You're so sexy to me right now.
- Oh, for fuck's sake.

- Why are married men so attractive to me?
- We're fuckin' not.

- Make love to me.
- Fuck off!

- Please?
- Fuck--

Where is everybody?

We've had this date
from the beginning.

Just close your eyes
and pretend I'm Jackie.

Fuck's sake.

Whoo! Am I havings a good time?

- She's bound to pass out soon.
- I wouldn't count on it.

Whoo!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, Peter.

Oh, Peter.

Oh!

Peter.

Oh! I like it!

- Steady on, girl.

- Oh!
- Thank fuck for that.

- We have to be quick.
- Aye, aye.

Come on.

{veins giggles]
- Oh, God.

All right.

- It's stuck.
- Well, pull harder.

- You do it.
- You got a knife?

Whoa!

No. Vivien.
Vivien, no. I can't.

- Fuck me.
- No.

You haven't fucked me in days.

I made a promise
I'd stay faithful to Jackie.

Fuck Jackie. Don't be a pussy.

Fuck me here! Fuck me now!

- This isn't the right time.
- Fuck me!

- Vivien.
{gasps giggles]

Jackie.

Fuck me.

- Fuck me. Fuck me.
- No.

Ah!

Not now, Kim Kim.
I've got a Xanax in my throat.

I heard something. Downstairs.

- Hello, Sidney.
- My dear Irina.

I do have a doorbell, you know.

One might almost suspect
that you didn't trust me.

Why didn't you tell me
which flight you were on?

I could have sent Kim Kim here
to come and collect you.

- Did you have a good crossing?
- Where is Harry?

All in good time.

That information comes at a price.

Ha.

Oh, yes. Very nice.

- You came prepared.
- I will not ask again.

Well, if you mean
her exact geographical whereabouts,

I haven't been able
to ascertain precisely--

- You lost her?
- It's not my fault.

L-| set Kim Kim here
with the task of following--

- Vlad, kill him.
- No,no,no,no,no,no.

Please!
Irina, my dear.

Oh, still so impatient.

If you'll just let me finish.

I have been luring her
with the promise of a job, hm?

So, if we can just calm down.

And perhaps get a good night's sleep.

And tomorrow we can drive all around town
and discover which hotel she's staying at.

I promise you we'll find her.

Okay.

Good.

If not... I will slit you open
like the pig you are.

Oh, you are wonderful.

Oh, fuck.

The charm of this little escapade
is rapidly wearing thin.

- Why don't we just leave?
- And go where?

I don't know.
This is a fuckin' fiasco.

What's the matter with you, huh?

You need a joint. We need a joint.

You said we're not gonna do
this sort of thing anymore.

What sort of thing?

This sort of thing.

- We've no choice.
- Oh, don't we?

Wasn't me that lost hundreds
of thousands of pounds.

It's not my ex-girlfriend stalking us.
It's not my fault.

No. Never is.

You reap what you sow, darling,
and you've sown fuck-all.

Oh, well. Good night.

And fuck off to you.

Fuckin' hell.
How'd you get in here?

I snuck in with the chambermaid.

We need to talk. Can you get up?

Fuck's sake.

- Here.
- What is it?

It's breakfast.

Oh, God, Peter! That's disgusting!

That is fucking disgusting!
Did you see them?

Who?

Gabriel and Vivien.

I woke up this morning
and I found this in my bed. It's hers.

He's fucking her,
and he's fucking her in my bed.

No, I don't think so, mate. Nope.

Okay. Peter, baby.

Please come back to the house
because he's threatened by you.

And he knows
that you never got over me.

And I could tell, by the way
that you looked at me last night,

that you still want me.

So... you can have me.

No, thanks.

Listen, fuck it, Peter.
I need you to come back to the house.

I need you to come and stay, okay?
I really need you.

- Actually... Tiffany.
- Tiffany.

I can think of no one else
I would rather be in the company of...

- Okay.
-...right now.

- Okay.
- I need laughs, you know.

- With people who understand me.
- Come on.

And I need to fuckin' relax!

So, I think we should start
at the Four Seasons

and work our way down.
It shouldn't take too long.

There's only a handful
of habitable hotels in this town.

Oh, excuse me. Oh!

Cedric, how nice to hear from you.
How are you?

Have you healed up? Good.

So-- Really? Oh, really?

Oh, now that's very interesting.
That's very interesting, indeed.

Thank you, Cedric. I owe you.

Bingo. The Chateau Marmont, Kim Kim.

Shouldn't be too long
and you'll be with her.

Let's get started.

Just be a moment.

Good afternoon, madam. May I have
a word about some of the charges

you've been placing on the room?

I'm afraid we're going to need
some form of payment very soon.

- I'll be right down with my card.
- Thank you.

- Watch the exit.
- Naturally.

He's a stubborn little shit. So sorry.

Hello, sweetheart. Buy-in is five grand.

Where did she go?

- W ho?
- Who do you fucking think?

Well, if all this goes to plan,
and I intend that it should,

I'm going to take you to Disneyland.

Yes. I think you will have
a wonderful time.

I said make it happen. And you didn't!

You didn't make it happen.

I've been working so hard for you.

I'm so tired.

I'm exhausted from all this.

Gina.

I'm not stable. I'm not stable.

I wanna douse
myself in lighter fluid.

- Gina, now is not the right time for this.
- What am I to you?

You make love to her,
and then you make love to me.

I... have sex with you.

I have sex with her.

I'm making a film.

You are my assistant!

I don't care.

Make love to me. On the bar.

Like we used to.

Gabriel!

We need to talk about last night.

What was Vivien's slutty whore-mask
doing in our bed?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

You've forgotten about this, have you?

You've forgotten about the five million
dollar ring and everything you said?

Well, what about
if I just throw it in the toilet?

Should I just throw the ring
in the toilet?

Should I? Should I just throw it away?

- Fuck the ring!
- I don't have time for this.

I am an important person.

I have important decisions
I have to make every single day

because I'm making a film.

I'm making a film.
lam making a film!

- Boring.
- I'm gonna go to the set.

Not with Conchita, you're not.

- Give me the dog.
- No.

Give me the dog. The dog whisperer
is coming today. Let go.

Let the fuck go.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I need a drink.

Where's the vodka?

You can't be here.

-Irina's here. In LA.
- Eh?

Juanita?

Juanita?

Oh, hi. Uh, did I miss the dog whisperer?
Is he here?

- W ho?
- Shit.

Oh, voicemail. Gina, it's me,
and the dog whisperer didn't show up.

Can you please call?
Oh, there you are. Oh, you're here.

How funny. I thought you'd be a man.

No, I'm not a man.

- How's your Spanish?
- All right, I suppose.

Well, I hope it's good enough for you
to communicate with her.

With her?

I don't know how good her English is.
You know, we had her flown in.

- She's Mexican.
- Oh, I see.

Which I suppose
might be part of the problem,

you know, that she doesn't understand me.
How do you do it?

Communicate, I mean, with them.

What it is exactly
you want me to say to her?

Tell her I clean up after her morning,
noon and night and I want some respect.

I mean, she's lazy.
She's disagreeable. She's spoilt.

I'm sick of her pissing and shitting
all over the place.

That's the door, Peter.

- What?
- Dog whisperer.

I've already got one, mate.

Hola, señora.

What's with this one now?

- Pardon me.
- Oh, God, she speaks Spanish?

- Your employer wanted me to tell you...
- What? What?

Aye! What, that I don't clean?

Don't tell me, that I'm pissing?
But-- Oh, this fucking bitch.

She's gonna pay right now. She'll see.

Here she is.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Peter.

You won't believe what Juanita just did.

That was incredible.

Thank God that the dog whisperer
was here as a witness.

- I prefer "pet communicator."
- Oh, for fuck's sake.

Buenos dias.

¿ Y tu problema?

Si.

Si. Si.

Si.

I understand.

Well, what's she saying?

I'm sorry. She has a lot of resentments.
It's hard to keep track.

Well, tell her that I have
a few complaints of my own. Firstly--

Si.

Si.

Si.

Si, S':

She says she's disappointed.

- This is not what she was led to expect.
- Well, that's quite ungrateful of her.

I mean, does she have any idea
how privileged she actually is?

- And to be adopted by a celebrity?
- She said she's never heard of you.

That little bitch.

And I suppose
she's never heard of Gabriel, either.

She doesn't think he's very talented.

Rather mediocre, in fact.

- Ha!
- Peter, shut the fuck up.

She's saying
you got off on the wrong foot.

She thinks you're depressed.

She says she sees you crying sometimes,

and it makes her very, very sad.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I mean, I had no idea
that she was so insightful.

She's trying to tell me something.

Something about some new piece of jewelry.

No, no, no.
It must be my ring. It's my ring.

It's my ring.
Does she like it?

She's saying that...

that she's jealous of the ring.

She's saying that you wear it too much,
and I think she'd like to borrow it.

What do you take me for?

Dogs don't wear rings. I'm not an idiot.

Do you know what I think?

I think that she's having you on.
She's a little minx.

Do you promise me you'll stay?

It's how I work. I move in...

get to know the dog...

work with the family.

It's a holistic thing.
A whole lot of healing.

- Who the hell are you?
- What do you mean? It's the dog whisperer.

-"Pet communicator."
- When I called and made the appointment,

the person on the other end of the line
was a man.

I had a hangover.

Literally... a man.

Conchita warned me about her.
She doesn't like the way she touches her.

- She touches her?
- Yes.

I only touch her with feeling!

- Chita, walkies.
- I don't think so, you weirdo.

There's been quite enough
of that already.

Chita's my twin.

We have a connection.

No one understands.

Oh, I better get a new glass.

- Hi. I can't really talk right now.
- It's Vivien.

- It's not a very good time.
- Vivien.

Oh.

- Vivien.
- Right.

Don't get up.

Now, Peter,
I'm so glad you're here.

And I really do want you to stay
as long as you like.

Because now that bitch wife has left you,

I really feel it's my duty
to take care of you.

Well, thank you, Jackie.
She's always let me down.

I know, and you're better off without her.
I did beg you not to marry her.

If only I'd listened.
Horrendous woman.

- I hate her.
- You've never met her.

- I don't have to meet her to hate her.
- Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah, I hate her, too. I loathe her.

Yes, because she fleeced you
for all you had.

I mean, she treated you shamefully.
You see, they met in rehab.

I mean, what kind of person
does one meet in rehab?

Mm, maybe it wasn't her fault.
Maybe it was a court order.

Yeah. I suppose I wouldn't be surprised.
I mean, we know nothing about her, do we?

We don't know
about her family or anything. She's...

Well, she's probably trash. And, you know,
don't forget that time she abandoned you.

For all those months on end
and left you to fend for yourself.

I mean, God knows what she got up to.
She's such a slag.

I mean, when I think of all the things
that she did to you--

Everybody makes mistakes, don't they?

No, don't defend her. He went to jail
because of her. I had to bail him out.

I had to bail him out!

Vivien, I can't talk right now.

- Are you with her?
- No.

- Are you fucking her?
- No.

You stupid bastard.

You said you loved me. Now love me!

Vivien, I--
No.

I want you.

- I want you to fuck me.
- No.

- I can't talk right now.
- You coward.

It's the fucking awards tomorrow.
Why don't I just go on stage

and I tell the whole world
that you're fucking me?

Tomorrow...

after the awards, I'll talk to you,

and we'll clear everything up...

about Jackie and what to do.

I am going to cut your little balls,
and I'm gonna feed them to you.

- I've gotta go. Bye.
- Pendejo.

You're not gonna sound like
a victim anymore! Piece of shit!

- If I met her, I'd spit in her face.
- Oh, would you?

- Yeah, I would.
- Really? Astonishing.

Ah.

Wow.

You look very, uh...

Mm, I'm a filmmaker.

- Have you acted?
- For God's sake, Gabriel.

- She's the dog whisperer. I told you.
-"Pet communicator."

Oh. Conchita's pissing on my chair.
What do you think she wants?

Oh. She said you have a bad attitude.

You talk to the dog?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Did you see my movie?
- I love your movie.

Mediocre?

- Are you my enemy?
- No.

No, I'm your lover. I love you.

- Mediocre.
- No. No.

Mediocre.

Right. Well, you take her, then.

And I have to say, I'm not particularly
impressed by your skills.

She is worse than ever. Now,
where's fucking Juanita with the food?

Go away.

That cunt is really
starting to piss me off.

We need to sort this right now.

Let's go speak to Sidney.

No luck, I'm afraid.

She's... around.

Well, that was the last
of the five-star hotels.

I really can't see her slumming it
in some squalid motel, can you?

She is, if nothing else, a lady.

Take me somewhere.
I want to get fucked up.

Dry martini with a twist.

Mm, thank you, Kim Kim.
Oh, you are a good puppy.

Mm...

- Evening.
- Harry!

Oh, my word, how wonderful to see you.

- I've been looking everywhere for you.
- Really?

Tea? Tea. You'll have some tea.
Kim Kim, fetch some tea for the lady.

Oh, and Kim Kim,
we aren't to be disturbed.

- Sidney, darling?
- Mm-hm?

Something's come up,
something quite large.

I was hoping you might be
of some assistance.

Intriguing! Have some.

Fresh from the battlefields
of Afghanistan.

Oh, yeah.

- Let me be Mother.
- Oh, I don't mind if I do.

- Mm.
- Now.

- Oh. Oh, that's plenty.
- Oh, no. Not quite.

A little more.

Mm, mm.

- Now, don't be wasteful.
- Mm.

- Oh, steady on, my dear.
- Come on.

You know what I love about you, darling?

You're a girl who knows
how to have a good-- Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

You stole from me
and then you leave me?

- I was just on my way to pay you back.
- Via Los Angeles?

I got a little sidetracked.

You're good at so many things,
Harry, but not lying.

It was all Peter's fault.

Yes, he blew all your cash
and made me run away.

But I knew you'd come for me.

God, I've missed you.

Where is the money, Harry?

Well...

I'm working on it.

- That's why I'm here.
- So you don't have it.

I love you, Harry.

But now I'm going to fuck you up.

There's a ring, a beautiful one,
worth millions of pounds.

- And I'm gonna nick it for you.
- You're lying.

No! It's for us.

Think about it.

Me, you...

and millions of pounds.

- And what about the idiot you married?
- Oh, Peter? Oh, forget him.

Sidney can have him.

You really are a cold-hearted bitch,
aren't you?

Now...

come on, luv.
Pour us a drink and let's talk.

I must have nodded off.
What happened?

It's all worked out.
I handled it expertly.

In what sense?

We're getting married.
Gabriel is leaving Jackie.

- We're getting married.
- What, you and Jackie?

- Me and Gabriel.
- Oh, I see.

- We're gonna take the ring tonight.
- Eh?

- Sidney's gonna stage a break-in.
- Well, Sidney's a fucking snake.

He's an expert in his field,
so I suggest you shut the fuck up.

Are you insane?
The next time I see you,

-you'll be in jail.
- You going somewhere?

Oh, yes I am.

I'm a wreck.

I've never been so happy in my life.

We have worked so hard for this.

So hard.

So hard! We've worked so hard!

- So hard.
- Gabriel?

Gabriel.

Ow.

Yes.

What did you take?

I don't know.

But it was very, very, very good.

Oh. Oh, well. You might have saved
some for me, then, for fuck's sake.

Sidney will be here soon.

What are you gonna do?

Cut her hand off and stuff it
up his cassock?

You think this'll work?
This won't work.

It's never gonna work.

We have no choice.

Best Director goes to... us.

Best Director goes to--

Gabriel Anderson for Le Rouge et le Noir.

Yes! Yes.

I wasn't expecting this, I'm...

I'm not prepared, uh...

This is so much more than me.

I'd like to dedicate this to my muse...

Gina.

- Vivien Prince.
- Oh.

His muse.

His muse.

His muse.

His fucking muse.

Fucking muse!

- Om.
- Shut the fuck up, Gurmukh! It don't work!

- Fuck off, Hans. Fuck off!
- Thank you, Jackie.

I'm moving back to England.

I mean, you have no idea
what I have been through with Gabriel.

And to be humiliated like that,
in front of 500 million people.

Uh, Conchita wants you to stay.
She wants you to work things out.

I have an announcement.

There's something you should know
about this woman who--

- What's the matter with him?
- I don't know. He seemed upset.

- I don't blame him. What was he saying?
- Something about Conchita.

Conchita knows,
and that's why she's so upset.

Gabriel has been taking her to set.

And the three of them have been doing it
in his trailer and in his bed.

Right. I need to talk to her.
Come on. We're going.

What happened? Where am I?

Where is he?

He's a liar.

I'll kill him!

You Will die!

Tell Conchita
not to spare my feelings.

Help! Let me out.

- Let me out!
- Oh, my God.

Help. I'm cold.

Let me out!

- It's Gina. I'm here.
- Oh.

- Gina, where are you?
- I'm in the freezer. Peter locked me in.

- Peter, is that true?
- No,no.

- He said he loved me.
- Peter, you didn't!

- I'll kill you.
- Oh, Gina. I know you're upset.

It's been a long day for everyone
and we are all very, very tired

and very emotional. So why don't you go
and make us some hot cocoa?

Gabriel said that he loved me.

A second ago you were in love with Peter.
It's all rather fickle, I must say.

I'm really starting to see
your side of this.

Right?

This?

Halt.

What are you doing here? Und who are you?

We're friends of Harry.

We've come to see her.
Is she-- Is she here?

She is a criminal. And you are intruders.
I'm calling the polizei.

If you're going to wear shorts like that,
you must expect to be shot, mustn't you?

- I don't fucking believe I won.
- You're a genius.

- You are the most amazing--
- I won. I won. I won.

- What's she doing here?
- Honey, we need to talk.

- Oh, piss off.
- I won.

- Pendeja. Tell her.
- I won. Tell her what?

Gabriel and I are in love.

He's leaving you
because we're getting married.

- I didn't say I was leaving her.
- You said you loved me.

- He loves me.
- He said he loved me!

Ah!

Yes.

You bastard.

Fuck you and your fucking ring.

Jackie.

- Yes, bastard!
- Where are they?

- Who are you?
- Who the fuck are you?

Who is she?
You're also fucking a Russian hooker?

- Give me the ring. Now.
- What?

- Give it to me or I shoot him.
- Yes, go ahead. Be my guest.

It's not in her possession.

She fucked me.
Where is Harry and Peter?

- Harry and Peter?
- Harry and Peter?

That's--

Oh, that-- Oh.

Harriet? That's a disaster.

- That bitch fucked me again.
- Did she? I am happy for you.

- You made up.
- We have to find her.

- I think it's a bit late for that.
- I will slit your fucking throat myself.

We have to find her.
I suggest we start in the kitchen.

Lots of hiding places there.

A light, mate?

So, let me get this straight...

Who's getting fucked over
on this one, me or Irina?

Darling, I was just
trying to keep her sweet.

Oh, well, great work on that one.
Well done, mate.

- Jesus. Fuck.
- Where's the ring, Harry?

Irina. Irina!

Ah. Ah!

Irina...

Got the ring. Just like I promised.

You promised you,
me, and millions of pounds.

Peter, darling, I really need your help.

Irina, just...

put the gun down now
and I'll throw you the ring.

And you let us go.

Come on.

How long do you think
we're gonna live on it?

- Oh, years and years.
- One long holiday.

- Where shall we go?
- Hm, Switzerland?

- Oh, that's fuckin' boring.
- Morocco?

- Ah, you can't go there, remember?
- Mm.

Canada? Honolulu?

Oh, fuck!

What?

It's the fake one.
I gave her the real one.

- You stupid fucking tart.
- Mm.

Calm down. I'll get us out of here.

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, thank you so much.

- Brazil?
- Brazil?

Yeah, bananas.

Oh, that was a fun trip.

One long holiday.

What we gonna do now?

I've got an idea.

Oi, waitress! Another round!