All language subtitles for Ted.2012.UNRATED

It has been said
that magic vanished
from our world

a long time ago,

and that humanity
can no longer
fulfill its desires

through the power of wishes.

To those who have lost
the wondrous vision
of childhood eyes,

submitted here is
the story of a little boy

and a magical
Christmas wish

that changed
his life forever.

lt began in 1985,
in a town
just outside Boston.

It was Christmas Eve,
and all the children
were in high spirits.

That special time of year

when Boston children
gather together

and beat up the Jewish kids.

Hey, Greenbaum!

Uh-oh.

It's Jesus' birthday
tomorrow,

and you know what
I'm gonna get him?

What?

My fist in your
fucking face!

Why would Jesus want that?

Get him!

But there was one child
who wasn't in
such good spirits.

Little John Bennett,

that one boy in
every neighborhood

who just has a tough time
making friends.

Hey, guys, can l play?

Get out of here, Bennett.

Get lost, Bennett!

Get out of here, Bennett!

Yeah, Bennett,
get lost.

John longed
with all his heart

for that one, true friend
that he could call his own.

And he knew that if he
ever found that friend,

he would never let him go.

Well, as it does every year,
Christmas morning
finally came.

All the children
were opening their gifts
with holiday glee.

And for little John Bennett,

Christmas Day
brought a very special
new arrival.

Wow!

l guess Santa paid attention
to how good you were
this year, huh?

Aw! Merry Christmas, John.

l love you!

He talks!

l'm going to
name you Teddy.

John became
instantly attached to Teddy.

There was something
about that bear

that made him feel as if
he finally had a friend

with whom he could share
his deepest secrets.

l love you!

l love you, too, Teddy.

You know, l wish you
could really talk to me.

Because then,
we could be best friends
forever and ever.

Now, if there's one thing
you can be sure of,

it's that nothing
is more powerful
than a young boy's wish.

Except an Apache helicopter.

An Apache helicopter
has machine guns
and missiles.

It is
an unbelievably impressive
complement of weaponry,

an absoIute death machine.

Well, as it turned out,

John picked
the perfect night
to make a wish.

Teddy?

Hug me.

You're my best friend, John.

Did you. . .
Did you just talk?

Don't look so surprised.

You're the one
who wished for it,
aren't you?

Yeah.
l did wish for it.

Well, here l am.

You mean, we get to be
best friends for real?

For real.

Forever and ever?

Sounds good to me.

John was just about the
happiest boy in the worId

and he couIdn't wait
to tell everyone
the good news.

Well, l think
we've had a wonderful
Christmas this year.

One of the best.

And l particularly
enjoyed the gift
you gave me last night.

Well, my big strong husband
works so hard all year.

l figured you deserved
a little Christmas treat.

l'd call it more
than a little treat.

l think those veneers
just make it
a smoother ride for me.

Mmm. Well, that's
how much l love you.

Seriously though,
that was an outstanding blowjob.

Mom, Dad, guess what?
My teddy bear's alive!

Really?
Well, isn't that
exciting.

No, Mom,
he's really alive.
Look.

Merry Christmas,
everybody.

Jesus H. Fuck!

Let's all be best friends.

Oh, my God!

John, get away
from that thing. Get
over here right now.

But, Dad. . .
Get over here!

Listen to your father!
Come here!

Helen, get my gun.
Dad, no!

ls it a hugging gun?

Helen, get my gun,
and call the police!

l'm sorry, Mr. Bennett,
l didn't mean
to scare anybody.

l just wanted
John and l
to be friends.

Yeah, Dad,
l made a wish last night
that Teddy was alive

and my wish came true.

Oh, my God!

lt's a miracle.

lt's a Christmas miracle.

You're just like
the Baby Jesus.

WeII, it wasn't long before the
story of John's IittIe miracIe

was sweeping the nation.

Out of a Boston suburb

comes what is, without
a doubt, the most
incredible story...

A young boy's stuffed animal

has magically come to life
for, as yet,
unknown reasons...

Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!
Look what Jesus did!

Before Iong, Teddy had become
a huge celebrity

in his own right.

Hello, Teddy.

You. . . You are a. . .
You surprise me.

For some reason
l thought you were
going to be taller.

l thought you were
going to be funnier.

You...
What are your favorite
teIevision shows?

Um, l like
Gimme a Break. . .

Dad. l want
a teddy bear.

Hey! What did Daddy
just get you for
your birthday, huh?

- A rake.
- That's right.

An excellent rake.
A birthday rake.

So when you clean the yard,
you don't have to pick up
the leaves with your hands.

But, Dad.
l want the bear on TV.

Donny. Shut up, will ya?
Daddy's making love
to New Mommy.

But, Daddy?
Go to your hammock!

Do you ever
watch this show?

Yeah. When Leno
guest hosts.

But through all the fame,

Teddy never forgot
his very best friend, John.

The thunder
can't get us, right?

Nope, we're thunder buddies,
and the thunder knows it.

We're totally safe.

Teddy?

Yeah, John?

Do you promise we'll
always be together?

l promise.

Thunder buddies for life.

And that was a promise
that neither one of them
ever forgot.

So, where are
John and Teddy today?

Well, let me
put it this way.

No matter how big a splash
you make in this world,

whether you're Corey FeIdman,
Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber,

or a talking teddy bear,

eventually,
nobody gives a shit.

Do I dare Iook
at the cIock?

Look, all l'm saying is
that Boston women are,
on the whole,

a paler, uglier sort
than women from
the elsewheres of life.

That's bullshit.
What about Lori?
She's hot.

No, Lori's from Pennsylvania.
That's not a Boston girl.

They're not that bad.

See, the fact that
you have to say
they're not that bad

means that
they are that bad.

Did you ever
hear a Boston girl
have an orgasm?

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
Harder! Harder!

Oh, God,
that was so good!

Now l'm going to
stuff my fucking face
with Pepperidge Farm!

Jesus, this is weak.

lt's not even getting
me high. l got to have
a talk with my weed guy.

lt's working for me.

l think it sucks.
l'm going to have
a talk with him.

l don't know that you
want to go to a drug dealer
with complaints.

No.
l know this guy a long time.
l've known him since 9/11.

You remember? l was, like,
"Oh, shit, 9/11.
l got to get high."

ls it 9:30?
Yeah.

Shit, l got to
get to work!

l don't know
if l can drive!

lt's okay,
l'll drive you.
l feel fine.

Fuck!
Shit.

Oh, man!

Johnny, l'm sorry, man.
That car just came out of nowhere.

God, is it bad?

Oh, man!

John! May l speak
with you, please?

Shit.

lt's all right, go, go, go.
l'll pull out of here.

Hi, Thomas, how are you?

Asshole!

That's my bad.
l was sending a tweet.

John, it's almost 10:00.

l know, sir, l'm sorry.
lt wasn't my fault.

What do you mean?

l guess l wasn't
really prepared
for a follow-up question.

John, all you got to do
is not fuck up

and you get my job
when l go to
corporate next month.

You're the new
branch manager.

All you've got to do
is not fuck up.

l realize that.
Good.

Glad to hear it.

Because in a month,
my life could be your life.

A cushy, $38,000-a-year
branch manager

who's personal friends
with Tom Skerritt.

Not a bad life, is it?

No.

l'm going to show you
something that l don't
like to show people

because l don't want them
treating me differently.

Boom.
That's me and Skerritt.

Wow.

Goddamn right, "Wow."

l'm gonna dock you
for dinging the car

and for showing up
late today, all right?

Try and be a little more
responsible tomorrow.

l will, sir, l promise.

l'm not going to
let you down, Goose.

What?

Top Gun.

So?

Tom Skerritt.

l know that.

l don't think of him
as an actor anymore.
He's just, like, a guy.

Like, we work. . .
We worked on my
garage two months ago.

Helped me hang
a garage door.

You ever
hang a garage door
with Tom Skerritt?

No.
No.

You ever go miniature golfing
with Tom Skerritt's wife
and her kid?

No. You haven't.

Do you ever watch
a Bulls game,

Chicago Bulls game
in Chicago
with Tom Skerritt?

No.
No.

You haven't. All right.

Liberty, fast track,
Skerritt, John.

Thank you, sir.

All right,
here's your keys,
your rental agreement,

complimentary
map of Boston.

Thank you for
choosing Liberty.
Drive safely.

Thanks.
Thanks so much.

l heard you got busted.

Jesus, Guy,
you look like shit, man.
What happened?

l don't know,
l got fucking wasted
last night.

My phone says
l texted someone at 3:15,
asking them to beat me up.

And then, at 4:30,
l texted the same person
saying, "Thanks."

And you don't remember it?

No, same as last time.

lt just seems
kind of gay,
doesn't it?

l don't know.
Maybe, yeah.

Well, do you think
you're part of some
gay beat-up underworld?

Like one of those
gay beat-up clubs
or something?

l don't know.
l dig chicks, man.

l don't remember any of it.
l was so fucked up.

l might be gay,
l don't know.

Do you mind
covering for me
for a bit?

l might go lay down
in the john.

Hey, buddies.
Where is it hanging?

Hey, Alix, what's up?
You get in
the club last night?

l didn't get in because
the bouncer was douche-face.

But l made friends
in the line.

That's good, l guess.

Hey, guys, anybody
know a nice restaurant,

like something
where they give out

free bubblegum
in the bathrooms?

For what?

Lori and l have been dating
four years tomorrow.

l want to take her
someplace really nice.

Aw, congratulations, John.

You guys have been
going out for four years?

My longest relationship
was like six months

and then she farted
in her sleep.

l'm like, "l'm out
of here, man." l was gone
before she woke up.

You're not
very tolerant, huh?

Lori ever fart
in front of you?

Yeah.

Really?
Yeah, many times.

You ltalian?
No.

Why?

Never mind.
Take her to Benihana.

John, look, don't you
think after four years

maybe she's
hoping for something
more than dinner?

Like what?

l don't know,
but if it were me,
l'd be expecting a proposal.

Come on, nobody's expecting
anybody to propose.

l mean, marriage isn't. . .

lsn't love enough?
l submit that
love is enough.

You can put
the ring in her ass,
let her fart it out.

So bad, but so good.

Yeah.
lt's a study
in contrasts.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
l love this part right here.

He's for every one of us!

Stands for everyone of us!

He'll save with a mighty hand

Every man,
every woman, every child
With a mighty flash!

Yeah. Fuck, yeah.
Flash! Oh, my God.

Hey, by the way,
don't let me forget,

you and l got to
nail down a plan

for the Bruins game
tomorrow night.

No, l can't.
l'm taking Lori
to dinner.

For what?

Well, we've been
dating four years
tomorrow.

Oh, fuck me. Nice.

Let me ask you something.

You don't think
she's going to be

expecting something big,
do you?

What, like anal?

No, like a fucking circular
gold thing on her finger.

Oh, fuck that!
lt's been
four years, Johnny.

You and me have been
together for 27 years.

Where's my ring?
Where's my ring, asshole?

Where's my ring,
motherfucker?
Stop it. Come on!

Put it on my fuzzy finger,
you fuck! Come on!

All right, knock it off!

All right,
l'm just saying.

But do you think
she might be expecting me
to make that kind of a move?

No, l don't think she is.
And, not only that,
it's the wrong time.

lt's a terrible idea.
l mean,
you got the economy.

You got the credit bubble,
the Supreme Court.

l mean, look at Haiti.

l guess l didn't
think about that.

Well, that's. . .
lt's a factor.

Who are you?

FIash Gordon.
Quarterback,
New York Jets.

This is
the American fantasy,
right here.

A professional NFL player
is called upon
to save the world.

Tom Brady could do that.
Tom Brady could do that!

Hey.
Hey, sweetie.

Hey, Lori.

Hi.
Hi.

What do you got there?

Turkey burgers.

Are we having homosexuals
over for dinner tonight?

Ha-ha. No, just you homos.

Whoa!
Whoa!

You kind of just
reworded my joke,
but, uh. . .

How was work?

lt was fine.

How's your dickhead boss?

Rex is fine.

He only hit on me once today,
so, it's a good thing.

Hey, Johnny,
how about a beer?

A couple of
Charles Brew-kowskis?

Couple of Brew-stoyevskis?

Maybe a Mike Brew-gaslowski?

Perhaps a Tedy Brew-ski?

That's a good one.

You know what,
l think l, too, want
a Martina Navrati-brewski.

No, that doesn't work.

Don't ruin it. No.

Bullshit!
That totally works.

No, no.

Yeah, it does.
lt doesn't work.

The name has to have
a "ski" at the end of it

and you just put
"brewski" at the end of
"Martina Navratilova," so. . .

l just thought we
were saying funny names.

No, it has to have
a "ski" at the end of it.

Otherwise,
where's the challenge?

lf there's no "ski" at
the end of the root word

then we would
just be idiots
saying nonsense.

Hey.

They found
the missing hikers.

They did?

Yeah.
What happened?

They said
they got separated

and one of them
had his foot stuck
under a rock

for like, five days.

Wow.
Mmm.

You know,
if your leg got
trapped under a rock

l'd chew it off
to get you free.

You would?

l sure would.

ls that cannibalism?

No, l think
it's only cannibalism
if you swallow.

Oh, yeah, no!

Don't worry about that,
because l don't swallow.

Really? 'Cause
that's not what l heard.

Well, it's not true, okay?
l'm a fucking classy broad.

Yeah.

l can see that.

Listen,
speaking of classy,

Ciao Bella is a really
expensive restaurant.

So, we can go
anywhere else tomorrow.

l really don't care,
as long as we're together.

Are you kidding me?

No, no, no. Four years,
we've been going out.

l'm taking you to
the best place in town.

l've been
crapping out room for it
for two days.

l mean, l know exactly
what l'm gonna order.

You are so disgusting.

And l love you.

l love you, too.
And you're nasty.

Do you want to get nasty?

You're a nasty girl.

Fucking
cocksucker motherfucker!

l don't understand.

Thirty-five years old
and you're still scared
of a little thunder.

l am not!

Thunder buddies for life,
right, Johnny?
Fucking right.

Let's sing
the thunder song.
All right.

When you hear the sound of thunder
Don't you get too scared

Just grab your thunder buddy
And say these magic words

Fuck you, thunder
You can suck my dick

You can't get me, thunder
'Cause you're just God's farts

Ugh!

Hey, Lori,
can you set the alarm for 11:00 A.M.?

l've got a lot of
stuff to do tomorrow.

Good morning, Lori.

Good morning.

Okay.
You okay there,
sweetheart?

You look
a little flustered.

l'm fine, l'm fine,

l just didn't have time
for breakfast and
the garage was full,

oh, and that's right,
my boyfriend can't sleep
through a thunderstorm

without his teddy bear.

l don't understand
why you keep putting up
with him.

Yeah, l mean, the guy's 35,
and he's working for
a rental car service.

You know, you guys,
it's really not about that.

l don't care about that.
l mean, l'd love him
if he was a janitor.

l mean,
he has a huge heart
and we laugh a lot.

lt's just a bonus that he's
the hottest guy in Boston.

l don't know.
l just wish he would
get his life together.

Our life.
And he can't.

And, l swear to God,
it is because of that bear.

You should
give him an ultimatum.
lt's you or the bear.

No, l can't do that.
That would devastate him.

Besides,
what if he chose Ted?

Well, hello there.

Sorry if l'm interrupting
any private girl-talk

about Channing Tatum's
index finger.

But, Lori, l need to
see you in my office.

Yeah, the thing is, Rex,
l have a lot of work
l need to get to. . .

Oh, this is work,
l swear.

Great.

Good luck.
Thank you.

He's such an asshole.

Out of control.
He's such a sleaze.

A hundred bucks says
he's showing her
the diving team photo.

Check this out.

That's me on
the high school diving team.

We dove the shit out
of that pool that year.

Now, if you look close,
you can see
the outline of my root.

You promised me
this was about work.

Lori, why don't
you like me?
Ugh!

l'm rich, l'm good-looking,
my dad owns the company.

l have a boyfriend.
l have told you this.

Yeah, the guy with the bear.

But l'm talking about
a mature relationship, Lori.

lf we were together,
our babies would
be spectacular.

With my top-of-the-pyramid
Caucasian genes
and your splash of

dark, beautiful, smoky. . .

Baltic? Czech?

Goodbye, Rex.

Okay, you're fired.
No. l'm not.

Oh!

Okay, that was perfect.

Would you like me to
wrap your leftovers?

No, l'm good.
Thank you.

Actually, could you
wrap just this up for me?

l want to scare
the shit out of somebody.

Sure.

What are you,
five years old?

Yeah.

But l read at
a six-year-old level,
so. . .

Sir, and madam,
here is your dessert

and champagne.

Ooh!

Cristal.

lt's a special night.
We've been dating
for four years.

And hey,
all those rich black people
can't be wrong, right?

lt doesn't feel like
four years, does it?

No, it doesn't.

You know, you had
no business being out
on that dance floor,

but l'm really happy
that you were.

This song is so great.

Oh, yeah.
Chris Brown can
do no wrong.

Wow, you can really move.

You like that, huh?
Check this shit out.

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

Oh, God, l am so sorry.

No, l'm fine,
l'm fine.

Jesus, l am so sorry.
l didn't see you.
lt was an accident.

Did you hurt your head?

Yeah, my head hurts a lot.

Oh, man. Here,
let me get you
some ice.

Ow!

Sorry, sorry.
Does it hurt?

No. lt's fine.

Okay, here's a test to
see how much you
actually care about me.

You remember that night,
after the club

we went and had
late-night eggs and waffles
until about 5:00 A.M.

We watched a movie
on the little TV
in the diner.

Name that movie.

Octopussy.

Baby! Gold star.

And, by the way,
my dancing was
not that bad.

lt was pretty bad.
l have cool moves.

Yeah, so do people
with Parkinson's.

That's not
how l remember it.

Okay, how do you
remember it?

All right,
whatever you say.

Hey
Yes?

Here's to four more years.

Okay.
You make me happy.

Now, l know
we said no gifts,
but. . .

We said no such thing.

l got you something anyway,
in clear violation
of the "no gift" rule.

We had no such rule.

Lori, l've wanted to
give this to you
for a long time.

John. . .

Those are the ones
you like, right?
From that kiosk at the mall.

Yeah.

You know, Lori,

someday, there's going
to be a ring in there.

But l want to wait
until l get you
something really special.

l just don't have
the money right now.

Look, l'm only saying this
because l love you.

You're not going to
have any sort of career

if you keep
wasting time with Ted.

Oh, jeez, here we go.

Baby, please ask Ted
to move out

so we can move on
with our lives.

Lori, look,
he's been my best friend
since l was eight.

l was not a popular child.

You have to understand,
l had no friends
before he came along.

He's the only reason
l ever gained
any fucking confidence.

l could have wound
up like that Asian kid
at Virginia Tech,

but l didn't 'cause of him.

So, you know, l'm not
that psyched to just,
like, kick him out.

Well, it's good to know
that a talking teddy
bear is the only thing

that prevented you
from gunning down
your classmates.

But you're no longer eight.
You're 35 years old.

And unless you're
too blind to notice,

he's not your
only friend anymore.

Can we talk about
this another time,

and just enjoy
our anniversary dinner?

Oh, shit, hang on a second.

Now my phone
fell under the seat
somewhere.

Can you call it?

Yeah.

ls that my ringtone?

Oh, yeah.

What is it?
'Cause it sounds negative.

No, no,
it's from The Notebook.

Oh.

This is going to take
some doing, l think.

l'll just meet
you upstairs then?

Yeah, l'll be right there.

Oh!

Lori, hey,
you're home early.

What the hell is this?

The ladies and l
were just watching
Jack and JiII.

Adam Sandler plays
a guy and his sister,
and it's just awful.

lt's unwatchable.

But, they're hookers,
so it's fine.

This place is a wreck.
Who are these girls?

Oh. Where are my manners?

Lori, this is Angelique,
Heavenly, Cherene,
and Sauvignon Blanc.

l love you girls.

You know,
somewhere out there
are four terrible fathers

l wish l could thank
for this great night.

What is that?

What is what?

There is. . .

. . .a shit on my floor.

ln the corner,
there is a shit!

Oh, my God!
You know what?

That's probably
what Dierdre was
doing over there.

Remember she was crouched
over in the corner
for a really long time?

l thought she was
just making a phone
call or something.

There is a shit
on my floor!

Yeah. Yeah.
She's passed out
in the bathroom now.

She seemed like
she was hopped
up on something,

but, you know,
mystery solved,
l guess, right?

She was taking a shit.

What the fuck?

Who lives here?
l'm coming to get whoever lives here.

You owe me lobster money.

That's my buddy, Johnny.

Not the lobster,
the guy running it.

l found my phone.

What's going on?

ls that a shit?

God, there are some
fucked-up fish out there.

Look at that one.
WASP-y, white-guy fish.

"l married the wrong woman,
and now l lead
a life of regret."

Oh, look at this guy.

"l went to New York once
in 1981, and l just
did not feel safe."

Ted, you gotta move out.

What?

lt's got to happen.

What did l do?

My relationship is at
a very delicate stage,
you know.

Lori and l may just need
a little space right now.

Plus, a hooker
took a shit
in our apartment.

Oh, God!
Ah, what?

Oh, this is so gross!

Don't tell me! l don't
want to hear about it!
Did you get it?

No, l didn't get it!
Tell me when you get it!

Oh, my God,
l got some on my thumb!

No! You can never cook
with that hand again!

Oh, my God!
You have to learn
to cook left-handed.

This is the most
disgusting thing ever!

Don't!
Get it away from me!

Look, that was
a tough night
for all of us.

Ted, you mean
everything to me,
and so does Lori.

l'm just trying to
find a way to keep you
both in my life.

She's making you
do it, isn't she?

Yes.

But that doesn't mean
we can't hang out.
We'll hang out all the time.

Yeah, but what about
"thunder buddies
for life," Johnny?

l know.
l just don't know
what to do, here.

l know it sucks,
but otherwise l'm
going to lose her.

And l do love her, Ted.

l know you do, Johnny.

l'll help you get on
your feet out there,
l promise.

l know. And we'll
hang out all the time,
right?

All the time.

Fuck it.
Bring it in.
Come here.

Bring it in, you bastard.
Come on.

l love you!

Fuck. Shit, sorry,
that's the thing
from the. . .

The old. . .
Yeah, yeah.

l'm not gay.
l know.

And you're not gay,
so we're fine.

We gotta get you a job.

l look stupid.

No you don't.
You look dapper.

l don't. l look like
Snuggle's accountant.

Come on,
it's not that bad.

John, l look like
something you give
your kid

when you tell him
Grandma died.

Look, l know
it sucks, okay?

But you've got
to make some money

so you can pay
for an apartment.

l don't want to work
at a grocery store.

Yeah, but you
have no skills.

l told you,
l can totally be a lawyer.

As l said, you would
need a law degree
from a law school.

No. No.
l'm a special case.

l'm a. . .
l'm a talking teddy bear,
for Christ's sake.

They might make an exception
'cause they'd be all like,

"Oh, my God!
This bear's so cool.

"He can talk and do stuff.
Let's give him a job.

"Maybe he'll
give us a few laughs
around the office."

And then they're like,
"Oh, my God!
He can deliver.

"He's actually
quite a litigator."

And then they
practically have to
give me the Anderson case.

You get the job,
we're celebrating
after, okay?

Uh-huh.
And if l don't
get the job,

are we still going to
smoke that pot?

Probably, yes.

Uh-huh. Okay, all right.
Good talk, coach, thanks.

All right, buddy,
go get 'em.

And don't worry,
l'll do my very best

to get this job
that l so crave.

So you think you
got what it takes?

l'll tell you what l got.
Your wife's pussy
on my breath.

Nobody's ever talked
to me like that before.

That's 'cause everyone's
mouth is usually full
of your wife's box.

You're hired.

Shit.

Well, l am a former celebrity
in a minimum wage job.

This is how the cast of
Diff'rent Strokes feels.

All day, every day.
Just awful.

They must feel awful.
The live ones
must feel awful.

Come on.
lt's not that bad, okay?

l got a shitty job,
and l assure you,
l am quite content.

Excuse me.

l'm sorry to bother you

but my son and l
couldn't help but admire
your teddy bear.

Oh, thank you.
Thanks.

Yeah. l'm Donny,
this is Robert.

l have to say,
l've been following you
ever since l was a young boy

and l remember seeing you
on the Carson show.

You were just wonderful.

Oh, yeah, that was
a weird interview.

Ed thought l was ALF,
and he kept muttering
anti-Semitic comments.

He thought ALF was
Jewish for some reason.

Have you ever considered
selling the bear?

What?
Excuse me?

l want it.

l'm not an "it," pal.
l'm a "he," all right?

l'm sorry, little guy,
but my bear isn't for sale.

See, l've had him
since l was about your age.

He's very, very
special to me.

Stand up straight when
you're talking to me.

Why the fuck
would he say that?

Sorry, you really shouldn't
swear in front of children.

Look, we're very
interested in the bear.

lf you want to make
some sort of arrangement

here's my address
and phone number.

And you can call me
any time, okay?

Will do.

Here it goes, in
the really important pocket
for really important stuff.

Okay? Okay.

Okay.
See you later.

Come on, Robert.

Take it easy.

What the fuck?

Can you imagine
what that little shit
would do to me?

l could totally see him
just taking you down
to the basement

and really slowly
de-limbing you

while singing some creepy
Victorian nursery rhyme.

Oh, my IittIe sixpence
My pretty little sixpence

Stop it.
Knock it off.

l love my sixpence
Better than my life

Stop it! Fuck!
Why you got to
take it to that place?

You took it to a very. . .
Now it's real.
Now it's a real thing.

Come on.
Take it easy.

All right, look,
let's just find a better
place to get stoned.

l guess this is it, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, l guess so.

First night on your own.

Yeah, first night in
my beautiful new apartment.

lt'll be great
when it's furnished.

Yeah, and the guy said
it ain't hardly
had no murders in it.

So, that's good.

Okay, so,
if you need anything. . .

Yeah, l know.
Don't worry, Johnny,
l'll be fine.

l know you will.

All right.

Hey there.

Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

Listen,
l just want to
say thank you.

l know what you did
with Ted wasn't easy,

and l just want you to know
that l love you for it,

and l think
it's a new beginning
for our relationship.

Hey, anything for you.

This is all part of the new,
grown-up adult John Bennett,

so you better
get used to him.

Really?

Well, you know,

l don't have to be at work
for another 20 minutes.

Well, that's perfect.

Because l'm only
going to need one.

You know what
my favorite thing
about you is?

That, even after four years,
you can still surprise me.

To step up and change
such a huge part
of your life

just to make your
girlfriend happier. . .

l don't know,
l guess most guys
wouldn't do that.

Well, most guys
don't have you
to motivate them.

l know l'm not
a talking teddy bear,

but at least you didn't
have to make a magical wish
to get me.

How do you know?

Oh.

ls that a Flash Gordon
ray gun,

or are you just
happy to see me?

There we go.

Thank you very much,
please come again.
We have a lot more groceries.

Hey, Ellen.

Yeah?

Who's that over there?

That's the
new checkout girl.

Don't know her name.
Seems cute.

Yeah, very cute.
Do you know what
l'd like to do to her?

Something l call
a Dirty Fozzie.

Okay, all right,
so that's where
we'll draw the line.

Hey, how are you
holding up?

Oh, l'm all right.
l'm just getting used
to things, that's all.

lt's going to be all right.

l actually went through
something like this
with my last boyfriend.

Really?
Yeah.

We were together
for eight months,
and l really loved him.

And then he got
deported back to lran,

so l know what
you're going through.

Oh, yeah.
So, l guess we both
lost our furry little guy.

We sure did.

Hey, Ted.
Hey, Johnny,
what are you doing?

You want to come over
and catch a buzz?

Well, l could
probably stop by
after work.

Fuck that.
l traded off yesterday
so l got the other shift.

Come on,
l'm bored as crap over here.
Just swing by for a bit.

l cannot just
ditch work, man.

Look, l'm trying to
get my shit together

and be an adult here,
for Lori's sake.

John, five minutes
and then l'll kick
you out, l promise.

Just come over.
l got the Cheers
DVD box set

and the guy down
at the store told me

that everybody talks shit
about each other
in the interviews.

You'll kick me out
in five?

l will kick you out in five.
John, l have to kick you out.

l have so much
teddy bear paperwork
l have to get to, it is sick.

What do l tell Thomas?

Just tell him you
don't feeI weII.

l gotta cut out for a bit.

Lori tried to
break up a dog fight

and l guess she
got hurt pretty bad.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, that's
the way she is.

She sees trouble and
she wants to help out,

and l guess one of these
dogs clamped his jaws
on her forearm

and wouldn't let go
until the fireman showed up

and stuck his finger
in his ass.

Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, she's
pretty shook up.

Up the dog's ass, right?

Yeah, up the dog's,
not the fireman's ass.

l thought the fireman
stuck his own finger
up his own ass.

No, l don't think
a firefighter would
do that.

Go, take care of it.
Let me know how she is.

Thank you.
Go.

Was there cocaine
on the set of Cheers?

Um, let me see,
what's the best way
to answer that?

Are there naked dicks in gay porn?

Yeah. Yeah, there was a...
There was cocaine on the set,

but it was the '80s, man.
You know?

l was the king of the '80s.
l was Ted-fucking-Danson.

More importantly, l was
Sam-fucking-"Mayday" MaIone.

What was your other question?
Oh, yeah, was I popuIar?

Are there naked dicks in gay porn?

Yeah. Yeah.
No, l was,
I was beIoved.

You know,
he's exactly who
you want him to be.

He is.
He is a man we can all
model ourselves after.

Woody Harrelson.
SmaIIest dick I've
ever seen on a man.

See, that's why
l watch these things.

That's like a cool
behind-the-scenes thing
that you wouldn't know.

Oh, hey,
listen, try this.

l told my weed guy
to step it up and
he gave me that.

What is it?

lt's called "Mind Rape."
lt's actually pretty mellow.

lt doesn't sound
very mellow.

Well, he only had
three other batches.

"Gorilla Panic,"

"They're Coming,
They're Coming,"

and something called,
"This is Permanent."

Go on, spark it up.

There you go.
You got it.

Nice. Good, huh?
Good job.

Yeah.
Take pride in that.

You know,
this place looks great.

Thanks, man,
it's all lKEA.

Did the whole place
for $47.

Nice.
Yeah.

How are the neighbors?

You know,
there's an Asian family
living next door

but they don't have
a gong or nothing,
so it's not too bad.

That's lucky.
Yeah, it is.

How's work?
lt sucks.

You?

You know,
not bad actually.

l met a girl.
She's a cashier.

No way,
that's awesome!
Yeah.

Well, we should
fucking double-date,
or something.

You, me and Lori,
and what's her name?

White trash name.
Guess.

Mandy?
No.

Marilyn?
No.

Britney? Tiffany?
No. No.

Candice?
No.

Don't fuck with me on this.
l know this shit!

Do you see me
fucking with you?
All right, speed round.

l'm going to
rattle off some names

and when l hit it,
fucking buzz it.

l will tell you.
You got me?

All right,
Brandi, Heather, Channing,

Breanna, Amber,
Sabrina, Melody,

Dakota, Sierra,
Bambi, Crystal,

Samantha, Autumn, Ruby,
Taylor, Tara, Tami,

Lauren, Charlene,
Chantal, Courtney,
Misty, Jenny, Krista,

Mindy, Noelle, Shelby,
Trina, Reba, Cassandra,

Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna,
Jolene, Earline, Claudine,

Savannah, Kasey,
Dolly, Kendra, Carla,
Chloe, Devon, Emmylou.

Fucking Becky?
No.

Wait, was it any one
of those names
with a "Lynn" after it?

Yes.

l got you, motherfucker.

l got you. Okay.

Brandi-Lynn,
Heather-Lynn, Channing. . .
Tami-Lynn.

Fuck!

What the hell?

Hey, man, you think you can
open more than one register?

There's, like,
1,000 people here.

There's supposed to be
three registers open.

For God's sakes.

Stick your finger
in the loop of my tag.

You had sexual intercourse
with a co-worker

on top of the produce
that we sell to the public.

l fucked her with
a parsnip last week

and l sold the parsnip
to a family with
four small children.

That took guts.
We need guts.

l'm promoting you.

You got a lot of problems,
don't you?

All right, Kareem!

Ah! You suck, Kareem.

Hello?

Huh.

Hey, Ted.

Hey there, fella.
How are you?

Are you out here
all alone?

Uh, no, no, l'm not.

You know, you're never alone
when you're with Christ.

So, no, l'm not alone.

Yeah. Me, too.

You know, Robert and l
could give you a very,
very good home.

Yeah, l'm pretty happy
where l am.

l just got
a shitty new apartment. . .

l can offer you
$6,000 in railroad bonds.

Well, you know,
since l just returned

from active duty
in the Civil War

that actually
sounds very appealing.

Oh, wait, l'm sorry.

That was 150 years ago
and l don't give a shit.

Okay.

Teddy, come on,
we're going to be late
for dinner with your friends.

Okay, be there
in a second, baby.

As you can see,
my dance card is
quite full.

So, l'm going to
have to decline.

Can l just get a hug?

Oh, uh. No.

Yeah.
No, no.

And it kills me to have
to tell you no, because
l'm a people pleaser.

Yeah.

Thank you for
creeping up my night.

And Jesus be with you. . .
Okay.

. . .in Christ.

Who was that guy?

That was
Sinead O'Connor.

She don't look
so good no more.

See. l was
all pissed off

'cause me and my
friend Danielle

was supposed to go
skydiving last year,

but then she got pregnant
from this asshole guy,
and so we couldn't go.

And l was all upset.

But then
she had a miscarriage

and so, we ended up
getting to go skydiving.

And it was so scary,
but it was, like,
so much fun.

Hey, well, sounds like
everything worked out
then, huh?

l know! You know,
it's like God wanted me
to go skydiving, you know?

Jesus.

Or Jesus. Him, too.
Could be him.

Yeah.

How great is this?
The four of us
out to dinner.

How long have we been saying
we were going to. . .

Lori, how you doing?
l haven't talked to you
in forever.

l'm good. l'm good.

The company's having
their 20th anniversary
party next week.

So, that's something.

Lori's a senior VP
at a big, huge PR firm.

lt's not that
big of a deal.

Company's turning 20, huh?

So you can bang it,
but you can't get it drunk.

Right?
Yeah, she gets it.

She enjoys my humor.

Yeah, Rex is having
a house party

but l'm surprised
John didn't tell you,
considering

you two have seen
each other every single day
since you moved out.

You know, it's funny,
because whenever
Johnny and l hang out

the first item
on our agenda is,

"What's going on
with Lori?"

So, it's funny that
that didn't come up.

That must have
slipped through the cracks.

Yeah, but we do talk
about you all the time.

Yeah, you remember
the other day,
l was saying

how great Lori's
hair always looks.

Oh, my God,
it always looks so great!

l always want to
fucking brush it.

Right, Johnny?
l say that.

So, Tami-Lynn,

why don't you tell us
a little bit about yourself?

Like, where are you from?

l'm always fascinated
to meet Ted's girlfriends.

What do you
mean "girlfriends"?

Was there a lot of them
or something?

No, that's not
what she meant at all.
Right, Lori?

Lori, you didn't
mean that.
No, no, no.

What l meant to say
was Ted's very handsome

so l'm always
interested in meeting

the lady that
can snatch him up.

Did you just
call me a whore?

What?

You just worry
about your own "snatch."
How about that, honey?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What the hell happened?
We're having
a friendly meal here.

This was a nice evening.

Don't talk shit to me.

l just asked you
a question.

You know,
you're a freaking snob.

You think you're
cool because you work

at some fucking fancy
shit place, whatever.

Okay, take it easy.
Nice, Lori, real nice.

Me? lt's not my fault
she can't speak English.

Oh, fuck you!

Just because you're on
the business world and shit
you think, what,

everybody should
suck your asshole,
or something?

Okay. All right,
Tami, come on, honey.
Let's get out of here.

We'll go back to my place
for a couple of vodka
and strawberry Quiks.

You know what?
Stick your fucking asshole
right up your fucking ass.

How about that?
You're lucky l'm in my fucking
restaurant clothes, bitch.

'Cause l'd kick your
fucking ass right now.

l gave birth once, bitch.

l could kick
your fucking ass.

And you better
never show your face
around Quincy, you hear me?

Okay, come on.
Ever!

l didn't know
you had a baby.
ls it alive?

What a cunt.

Ow! l hate that word!

What?
That word.

lt's so sharp,
it's like an electric sword

slashing
everything in its path.

Why would you say that?

You didn't exactly
stand up for me.

l'm trying to
walk a line, here.

l want to be fair
to you and to him,
you know?

l think you're being
a little more fair
to him.

Oh, come on.

You know, your boss
called this morning asking
me how my arm was.

Huh?

Yeah,
because of that dog fight
that l tried to break up.

Oh.

lf l had to make a guess

l would say that
you made up
some bullshit excuse

to get out of work
to go to Ted's.

Now, am l right?

l made you out to
be a hero.

You know what, John,
we asked Ted to move out

so we can give ourselves
a chance without him.

You're not giving
anything a chance

if you keep blowing off
work to get high with
your teddy bear.

You're right.

l've been getting
stoned too much.
l know that.

l've been bumming
around with Ted too much.
l know that, too.

You give me one more chance,
l promise l can fix it.

John, l need a man.
Not a little boy
with a teddy bear.

l know, done. Man.
Right here,
in front of you, all right?

Look at these pecs.
These are man pecs.

Look at the hair
on my upper lip.
That's man hair.

l just farted.
That was a man fart.

Fine, John, but this is,
l swear to God,
your last chance.

Trust me. l love you.

All right, l love you.

l love you so much.
You won't be sorry,
l swear.

Did you really just fart?

Yeah, but l pushed it
that way with my hand.

l wonder who it's
going to hit first.

So, if l told him once,
l told him a million times

these numbers
do not add up.

Who did this to us?

God damn it!
l'm here on business!

All right, here we go.

l'm really glad
that you came.

Me, too.
Yeah?

ls it okay if l
kick your boss's ass?

That won't affect
your workplace chemistry,
will it?

Please play nice.

For you, l will.

Thank you.
Anything.

There she is.
l was worried
you weren't coming.

Hey, squirt, how you doing?
Where's your bunny rabbit?

He's a bear.

Got it. Oh, my God!
This house is
fucking huge!

l know.
Try not to get lost.
Come on in.

Wow! Here
are the ladies.

Look at you guys.
You guys look amazing.

A little heavy
on the eye makeup,
but pretty good.

Thank you, Rex.
Thank you.

You guys know
Lori and Jim, right?

John.

- You guys remember John.
- Hi.

Listen, why don't John and l
go get a drink at the bar?

Sure.

Great, we'll be right back.
Come on, buddy.

lt's an old sweater, huh?

This house is
unbelievable.

Haven't you
been here before?

What do you mean?

You know,
when you and Rex were. . .

Oh, no. That was at work.

You guys did it
in the office?

Yeah.
Where?

ln the men's room.

Oh, my God.

Why?
Where did you
sleep with him?

Here.

Oh.

Sorry.

lt was in
the handicapped stall,

so it was nicer than
the regular stalls.

This is Wade Boggs'
autographed bat.

l just barely
outbid Phil Donahue
for that at auction.

Wow, cool.

Yeah, cool.

These boxing gloves were
worn by Joe Louis in
his first fight.

This is art.
Get it?

These were
John Lennon's glasses.

They're worth,
like, a million dollars.

That's me
and Tom Skerritt.

Oh.

Check this out.

lt's Lance Armstrong's nut.

l had it
freeze-dried and bronzed.

Every now and then
when my life's

getting me down
and things are tough,

l just come up here
and l look at it.

And it reminds me that
things aren't so bad.

Sometimes you feel
like a nut.

Sometimes you don't.

So, talk to me,
Johnny Quest. How are
things with you and Lori?

Things are great,
actually.

That's great.
That is great.

You know,
Lori would hate me
for saying this,

but she told me how
you are at the office.

And, as one gentleman
to another,
l just want to say

l really hope
you fucking get
Lou Gehrig's disease.

l think l need to
clear the air here
a little.

Yeah, l'm kind of
a fun-time boss
and what-not.

But, look, man,
l do that with everybody
at the office.

l'm a kook.

l have no designs
on your girlfriend.

We work together,
and that's it.

l think you're a great guy
and she's a very lucky girl.

Well, that's good to hear.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Hey, Ted.

Johnny, where are you?
You got to get over here, man.

Why, what's going on?

Okay, so l'm having
a little impromptu thing

with some people
at my apartment.

And, John,
Sam Jones is here.

What?

Sam Jones.
FIash-fucking-Gordon
is here.

Holy shit! What?

You remember
l said my buddy's cousin
is friends with Sam Jones?

My buddy's in town
with his cousin,

and who do you
think is with him?
Sam Jones.

Sam Jones is here,
and, John,

his hair is parted down the middle.

Just like in the movie.

Yes. Get over here
right now.

Fuck, l can't!

l'm with Lori here.
l'm already on probation.

l can't.

John, Flash Gordon was
the most important influence
of our formative years.

He taught us
right from wrong,
good from evil.

And that the word
"acting" apparently

has an extremely
broad definition.

FIash Gordon is the symboI
of our friendship, John.

Come share this with me.

l'm coming.

Rex, l got to go.

l'll be back in 30 minutes,
tops, okay?

But Lori cannot find out.
She absolutely
cannot know l was gone.

lf you can cover for me,
l'm cool with
all that other shit.

l got your back on this.
She won't know.
l've been there.

All right,
this is one man
to another.

l don't really know you,
but l'm trusting you,
as a man.

This is serious.

Dude, one man to another.
l got you on this.

Thank you.
l'll be back.

l'm going to have sex
with your girlfriend.

Johnny, thank Christ
you made it.

Dude, l got 10 minutes.
Where's Flash Gordon?

Okay, get ready.

Hey, Sam, this is the guy
l was telling you about.

FIash!

A-ah!

Savior of the universe!

FIash!

A-ah!

He'll save every one of us!

Just a man
with a man's courage

He knows nothing but a man

But he can never faiI

No one but the pure in heart
Can find the goIden graiI

How you doing?
Good to meet you.

l thank you for
saving every one of us.

Well, you're welcome.

He acknowledged it.

Let's do some shots.

With you?

Oh, my God, yes!
Oh, my God, yes!

Let's go!

Thanks, Flash.

There you go, my friend.
Thank you.

Death to Ming!

Yes!

You know,
you guys seem pretty cool.

You like to party?

Uh. . .

Cocaine, right?

Come on, dudes.
Don't tell me you
never done it before.

Not recently, no.

l thought that was just
for people in Florida.

You better follow me.

Come on.

Johnny, l'm frightened.

We are going to
party like the '80s.

Show us how, Flash.

lt's easy.

We just gotta nail
a lot of girls
named Stephanie.

God, Johnny,
l got so much energy.

We better start
doing stupid shit.

Look, Johnny,
if we're ever going to

get serious about
opening a restaurant

we got to start
planning it now.

ltalian.
ltalian, yes.

What's
the special on Tuesdays?
Eggplant parm.

Chopped salad, half price.

And it's
a non-restricted place.

Yeah. What do you mean?
Anybody can come.

Of course.
Jews are welcome.

Well, yeah.
Why wouldn't they be?

Exactly,
that's what l'm saying.

Why even bring that up?

You don't bring it up,
you just let them in.

Why mention it?
No one will.

Why are we
talking about it?

You're talking about it.
l'm just saying,
let them in.

Let them in. Right. Okay.
Exactly. Good.

No Mexicans, though.

This is how
everybody sang
in the '90s.

Trust me, l can do this.
Shut up.

Let him try it, man.

All right, fuck it.

Go, go, go!

You son of a bitch!

Well, you never
should have trusted me.
l'm on drugs.

Hey, Johnny,
l just had a great idea.

Let's go get drunk
and puke on cars
from the overpass.

Come on, l do not sound
that much like Peter Griffin.

You can do any '90s
song with just vowels.

A-E-I-O-U

See? There, proof.
Garfield's eyes look
like a pair of tits.

You were right.

lf you can punch
through this wall,
you really are Flash Gordon.

Are you going to do it?

l'm going to
punch through it.

Come on, Sam, do it!
Do it!

Oh, my God!

Yes! He did it!

What the hell you problem?

You break my wall!
l break you wall!

Break his arm off!

We're going to die.
We're all going to die.

Break this up,
break this up.

Get him!

You break my wall!
This my home long time.

You break my wall,
you bastard men.

We're sorry,
it was an accident, okay?

l try to make duck dinner,
now plaster everywhere.

Chill out.
Can we just talk about this?
What's your name? l'm John.

My name is Wan Ming.

Ming?

You pay many dollar
for wall!

This bullshit!
This all bullshit!

Death to Ming!

Rape!

Sam, let him go.

You crazy!
You crazy, man!

Come on, James Franco.

You pay for wall!

Move, sucker!

Greatest night ever!

Hey.

Hey, Guy.

What's going on?

This is Jared.
He's the guy
who beat me up.

And we're in love.

Huh?

Turns out l'm gay,
or whatever.

l had no idea.

Hey, Jared,
let's go grab
another one of these.

How we doing, ace?

You coming down?

Yeah, l don't feel so good.

Give it a couple of hours.
You'll be golden, Ponyboy.

You want a Xanax?

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

What?

l got to go.

Lori, l. . .

Lori!

Lori, wait, please.

Look, l'm sorry,
l messed up. . .

John, l need you
out of the apartment
tonight.

Can l. . .
Just give me
the car keys.

Can l please
just explain?
No.

Look, l was. . .

l have given up
a huge chunk of
my life for you.

l was going to stop in
for like five minutes
and then Flash Gordon. . .

Just give me
the car keys.

Lori.

Lori, please, l love you.

Johnny, there you are.
l had to get some air.

That guy from your office
is in there on the couch

making out with that
Van Wilder-looking guy.

You know what? Fuck you.
l don't even
want to talk to you.

What?

Do you know
what just happened?

Do you have any clue?
My fucking life just ended!

Come on.
She'll go home,

she'll watch
Bridget Jones-
something-asshole.

She'll have a good cry,
she'll be fine.
You'll talk to her tomorrow.

Come on upstairs.
Are you even
listening to me?

Do you give any
shred of a shit?

Of course l do, Johnny.

"Thunder buddies
for life," remember?

Jesus! Lori was right.

l should have
stopped hanging out
with you a long time ago.

l'm never going to
have a life
with you around.

l'm 35 years old
and l'm going nowhere.

All l do is
smoke pot and watch movies
with a teddy-fucking-bear.

Because of that,
l just lost
the love of my life.

Johnny, l'm. . .

l'm sorry.

l gotta be on my own, Ted.
l can't see you anymore.

John, wait. Listen.

l love you!

So, word
through the grapevine
is that you're

newly solo.

Rex, l have a lot of
work l need to get to.

l have tickets to Norah Jones
at the Hatch Shell tonight

and l would love it
if you would go with me.

You're asking me out
a week after l broke up
with somebody?

Look, l'm going to
cut the shit, here.

Please.

This is the first time
that you've been single

in all the years
you've worked here.

Just go out with me
one time.

And if you're miserable
and you hate it

then l promise
l will never even
hint at the subject again.

Please.

Rex, l don't think
it's smart.

l'm an asshole,
l know that.

lt worked for me
in high school,

and it's been
a reflex ever since.

Lori,
the worst that can happen

is that you go on
a fun, casual date

with a guy who
just wants a chance

to prove that he can be
something more than a jerk.

Plus, you are a huge catch.

And it's about time
someone treated you
that way.

Fuck it. Fine.

Fine. lt sure as hell
beats crying myself
to sleep every night.

And if that means
getting you off my back,

well, that's just a bonus.

l'll pick you up at 8:00.

Johnny. lt's me.

Go away.

Johnny, open the door,
please, l want to talk.

Jesus Christ!
What the fuck, man?

Sorry. Look, Johnny,
l know you're pissed,
all right?

But just listen to me
for five seconds.

l saw Lori leaving
the apartment with Rex.

What?

l'm serious, John.
l went over to talk to her

and maybe take some
of the heat off you.

And there he was,
picking her up.

They were going
to the Hatch Shell.

You're fucking unbelievable,
you know that?

How stupid
do you think l am?

lf you think that by
making shit like that up

you're going to make me
choose some kind of
loyalty to you

over her you're out
of your fucking mind.

Johnny, it's the truth,
l'm telling you.

You know what?
Get out of here.

You know what?
You're acting like a cock.
You know that?

What? l'm acting
like a cock?

Yes, you are.

So shut your meat hole
for a second
and listen to me.

Huh?
Meat hole? What?

That's not right,
is it? No.

"Pudding hole"?
ls that what they say?

No, it can't be
that either.

Because,
"How can you have any pudding
if you don't eat your meat?"

Right? Pink Floyd.

Look, the point is,
you're blaming me

for something that
you did to yourself.

Lori was right about you.

You cannot take
responsibility for anything
that goes on in your life.

Oh, and you can?

l don't have to.
l'm a fucking teddy bear.

You know something?
l didn't tie you up and
drag you to that party.

l wanted you to come
because you're supposedly
my best friend.

You can't stand there
and tell me

that you haven't
always seen Lori as
a threat to our friendship.

lt works out
so much better for you

when you and l are
getting fucked up

on the couch
at 9:00 A.M. ,
doesn't it?

Listen to yourself.

What am l?
Emperor Ming, here,
controlling your mind?

That's your choice, John.

And by blaming me,
you, you're just

making yourself
look like a pussy.

Sometimes l think back to
that Christmas morning

when l was eight years old.

l wish l had just
gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

Say that one more time.

Teddy Rux-fucking-pin!

Shit!

Fuck, man!

Ow! Fuck! Cocksucker!

Fucking stop! Fuck!

Why are you crying?

My dick is squished
by the TV.

l'm so sorry, Johnny.

So am l, man.

l love you.

l love you, too.

Listen.

You got to let me help you
make things right
with you and Lori.

There's no
putting things right.
She fucking hates me.

No, John.
We can get her back.

Look,

you remember
when you were 10,

and you hit that squirrel
with your BB gun?

And then when we saw
it fall from the tree,

we both started crying,
you remember?

And then we ran up to it

and we tried to give it CPR,
and it came back to life.

John, we could
do that again.

Ted,

we crushed its ribcage
and blew out its lungs
trying to give it CPR.

lt died.

Come on. We're going
to the Hatch Shell.

Yeah!

Thanks. We're going
to take a short break,
but we'll be back in a few.

Play Chopsticks, you jazzy slut.

Teddy!

How are you?

How are you doing,
you fuzzy little asshole?

Well, l'm not a hot,
half-Muslim chick

who sold 37 million records,
but l'm hanging in there.

Half-lndian, but thanks.

Yeah, whatever.
Thanks for 9/11.

Listen, l want you to
meet a good pal of mine,
all right?

John Bennett, Norah Jones.

Hi, Norah Jones.

Hey, there, sweaty.

You ready to
bring down the house?

Yes, ma'am.
Thank you for the
opportunity, Miss. . .

Ma'am Jones.
Thank you.

Jesus, you look fantastic.

Well, you're probably
not used to seeing me
fully clothed.

l know, l mean,
me and Norah met back
in 2002 at this event for

this charity that we
were both involved with.

This wonderful charity,
actually, for kids

who'd been fucked
by a family member.

And we. . . We ended up
hooking up in the back room.

Actually, you weren't so bad
for a guy with no penis.

You know, l have written
so many angry letters
to Hasbro about that.

Thank you.

Now, l'm going to
give my chops a rest

and bring a friend up
to the stage.

He's going to
sing a song
to a special lady

in the audience
who he loves very much.

Please give a big hand
to John Bennett.

Oh, my God.

Holy shit!

l gotta fuck her again.

Uh. . .

Hi, my name is John Bennett,

and this is
for Lori Collins.

Because l love you.

This song always reminds me
of the most important night
of my life.

The night we met.

This is the theme song
from the movie Octopussy.

AII I wanted was a sweet distraction
For an hour or two

Had no intention to do

Still better
than Katy Perry.

Funny how it
always goes with love

When you don't look,
you find

But then
we're two of a kind

We move as one

We're an all time high

You suck,
get off the stage!

Come on.
Give him a chance.

Doing so much more

You're an asshole!

Than falling...

Oh, Jesus!

Someone call an ambulance!

That was insane.

Did you see the way
the guy's body
hit the ground?

He was like a ragdoll.

Yeah, l'd rather
just not talk about it.

Do you want to go
get a drink after this?

l feel like l could
use one after seeing
a guy almost die.

No, l think l'd rather just
have you take me home.

One drink.
Come on.

No, not really
feeling up to it.

All right, l get it.

And, you know,
l don't blame you.

l mean,
when you think about it,

it was actually
really unfair of him
to embarrass you like that.

Just to be clear,
l'm not embarrassed.

Listen, John and l
may have our problems,
but at least he tried.

You know what?
l don't feel like
talking to you about this.

Where are you going?

Taking a cab.
l'm going home.

Finally.

Down here.

Not looking up your towel.
Swear to God.

Not looking up your towel.
Not looking at
your funny business.

Ted, what are you
doing here?

l need to talk to you.

Listen,
if you're here to fight
John's battles for him. . .

Look, just let me
talk first, all right?

And then you can
say whatever you want.

Look, John loves you very much,

more than
anything in the world,

and he's falling
to fucking pieces
without you.

He knows
he screwed up huge

but you've got to believe me,
it wasn't all his fault.

l told him to bail on you
that night at Rex's
and he said, "No."

He said "no," he was
going to stay there with you,
and l twisted his arm, Lori.

So, if you just give him
one more chance

l promise l will leave
and l'll never come back.

All right?
He'll be all yours.

Ted, that's
a really nice offer,

but l don't want
you to do that.

This is between John and me
and l don't think
it can be fixed.

Yeah, because of me!

Look, Lori,
you want him to be a man.

But as long as
he's got his teddy bear,

he's always going to
be a boy.

He's waiting down
at Charlie's right now.

So, if you go down there
and just talk to him

l'll be gone
when you get back.

Forever.

And, you'll see,

he'll never be
scared of thunder again.

"Michelob Ultra
Tuscan Orange Grapefruit."

My God,
America is imploding.

Hi, Ted.

Fuck!

Lori, what. . .

Hey.

What are you doing here?

You can thank Ted.

Should l sit?

Yeah, if you want.

Okay.

So, work's good?
Everything good, there?

Yeah. Yeah, work's good.

l guess we can't make
small talk all day, huh?

lf it's okay with you,
l just want to say
what l want to say.

l could sit here and
tell you l'm sorry,

it was a huge
misunderstanding,

and l'm ready to change,

but l don't think you want
to hear any of that crap.

l'm not going
to try to get you
to take me back.

Why would you?

l've been
a really shitty boyfriend
for the last four years.

l don't deserve you.

l know l didn't take
our relationship
seriously but, Lori,

l do love you more
than life itself.

All l want is. . .
l just want to
end on good terms.

l owe that to you.

l want you to be happy.
You deserve that.

And l just hope that
maybe we can still
be friends.

Thank you for
being so honest.

That's pretty much it.

Thanks for coming by.

Whoa!

Yeah, as you can see

you've been
a part of our family
for quite some time.

Welcome home.

Yeah,
it's kind of funny,
actually.

l got a lot of pictures of
you guys at my house.

ls he all mine, Daddy?

Yes, he is,
my little winner.
Yes, he is.

Ted, you've arrived
at a lucky time.

lt's almost
Robert's play hour.

Yeah, l'm guessing you guys
don't have a PS3.

l'm guessing you're more
of a "wooden horse with
a wig" kind of family.

Yeah.

No. Yeah. No.

Yeah.

Yeah, see,
there's the guy.

Now, Ted, you belong
to Robert now, okay?
You do as he says.

You think you're just
going to get away
with a kidnapping?

That's a nice
fucking example
you're setting. . .

Language!

Sorry. Sorry.

You know, Ted,
when l was a little boy,

l saw you on television.

And l thought you were
the most amazing,

most wonderful thing
l'd ever seen. Ever.

And l asked my dad
if l could have a magical
little teddy bear, too.

And he said, "No."

Can you just email me
the rest of this story?

And l was so heartbroken.

And l promised myself that
if l ever had a son,

l would never,
ever, ever say no to him.

Ever.

Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar
every once in a while
wouldn't hurt.

Me and Ted are going
to be best friends, Daddy.

Yes, you are,
my little chipmunk.

Happy playtime.

Jesus fucking Christ!

l said a bad word
one time.

Daddy punished me
for it.

That's a great story.
l felt like l was there.

Daddy gave me an ouch.

Now, l have to
give you an ouch.

All right, kid, you win.
We'll do it your way.

What do you want to do?
You want to play a game?

lt's playtime, right?
We'll play a game.

Yeah, l want to
play a game.

Good, good.
Let's see.
How about we. . .

How about we play
a little game
of hide and seek?

l love hide and seek.
l'll hide.

Now, hang on a sec, there.

Your dad likes you
to show good manners.
Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

Okay. You hide first.

Great. Fantastic.

Okay, now you count to 100,
and then you try
to find me, okay?

Okay.

Do l need to wash my hands
before l play this game?

No. That's a weird
fucking question.
No, just start counting.

One, two,

three, four, five,

No peeking, now,
or you'll get kid cancer.

. . .eight, nine, ten,

eleven, twelve,
thirteen. . .

Ah!

Hey.

You walking home
alone, huh?

Yeah.

Do you need a lift?

Oh, l'm okay.

lf l get raped,
it'll be my fault
for what l'm wearing.

Listen, John.

There's something
that l need to
say to you, too.

Hey.
Hey.

John, l hope that. . .

Listen, l don't want
you to think that. . .

Sorry.

l want us to keep talking
because l think that maybe. . .

Go ahead.

Whoever this is,
it's not a good time.

John, it's me.
Can you hear me?

Ted? Listen,
l got to call you back.

No, John, don't hang up!
l'm in trouble.

What do you mean?
What kind of trouble?

They got me.
That freaky guy
from the park,

and that kid who l
think is his son,

but may also be his lover,
l don't know.

Whoa, whoa, slow down.
Where are you?

Uh. . .

l'm not sure, it's. . .

Hello? Hello, John?

Hello?

You're not a very
polite guest, are you?

Shit!

Ted, hello? Ted?

What's the matter?
ls he okay?

l don't know.
Where is he?

l don't know. He just
said he was in trouble.

Can you call him back?

No, it's blocked.

Wait a second.

Go. Take Columbus to Herald
and get on the expressway.

You put us in
quite a pickle here.

We have to go now.

Yeah. Good idea.

You F-ing A-hole.

We tried to make do
with other teddy bears,

but none of them
were you, Ted.

Hello, 911?

l need the police
right away.

This guy took
my teddy bear.

Hello?

Let me out of here,
you crazy bastard!

l hear the fat kid running.
l hear the fat kid running.

l bet it's hilarious.
Let me out of here!

l am a citizen of
the United States of America

and l have rights!

Robert, seatbelt.

lt should be right here, somewhere.

Johnny!

Whoa, whoa! Stop, stop!
That's them, turn around!

Stay with them.

Hang on!

Back off, Susan Boyle!

Oh, my God!
He's going to jump!
Get closer.

All right, easy.
Come on, Ted.

Shit!
Yes!

Hey, Johnny!
Total T.J. Hooker, right?

Yes! Fucking-A right!

Oh, shit!

Go! Go! Go!

Daddy!

Let's see how well
you know these streets.

Where is he?

Jesus!

There he is.
Pull over.

Where?

No!

You can't have
my teddy bear!

Holy shit.

Sorry.

Somebody had to
go Joan Crawford
on that kid.

Come on.

Ted?

Oh, my God!

Shit!

Jesus.

Stay here.
Just stay there!
No, John!

You're mine, Ted!

Screw you, pal.
l belong to John Bennett.

But l can give you love,
and rocking horses,

and dancing.

l think we're very
far apart on this.

Ted!
Johnny!

Oh, my God!

Ted!

John.

Lori, get the stuffing.
Get it all.

Johnny.

You're going to
be okay, buddy.
Do you understand?

You're going to be fine.

Jesus, l look like
the robot from AIiens.

No, look at me, buddy.

l promise,
you're going to be okay.

l don't think so. l'm. . .

l'm in trouble.

l need. . .

l need to
tell you something.

What is it?

Don't ever lose her again.

She's the most important. . .

. . .the most
important part
of your life.

Even more than me.

She's your
thunder buddy now.

She's. . .

l got it.

Baby, l don't know if
this is going to work.

Please, just try.

Come on, buddy.

l'm so sorry.

You did everything
you could.

l'm so sorry.

Ted!

l'm alive, Johnny!

Oh, my God!

l'm alive.
Your magical wish worked!

You're back!

Yeah, l mean,
when you sewed me up

you put some of the stuffing
in the wrong places

so l'm a little fucked up.

But will you take care of me
forever and ever?

l'm just kidding you.
l thought it would be funny

if you thought
l was fucking retarded.

You asshole!

Come here, you bastard.

Ah!

Welcome back, Ted.

lt was you.

You did it.

Son of a bitch!

You wished for
my life back.

No. No.

l wished for my life back.

l love you.

l love you, too.

And l want you to know that,
after last night

l don't ever want to lose
anyone who matters to me
ever again.

l'm not going to
wait any longer
for my life to start.

Lori,

will you marry me?

All l ever wanted
was you, John Bennett.

And so John, Lori and Ted
lived happily ever after.

Having discovered at last,
that all they really needed
was each other.

John and Lori were
married in Cambridge

by a very special
Justice of the Peace.

By the power vested in me

by the New York Jets

and by the united peoples
of the planet Mongo,

l now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride,
Johnny.

Hi. Tom Skerritt.

Tom Skerritt! Wow!

Thanks so much for coming.

My daughter better be alive,
you sick son of a bitch.

l am so fake-happy
for her.

You know, Sam,
there's only one way
to end a perfect day.

What's that?

Flash jump.

Right.

One, two, three!

Yeah!

And that's the story
of how one magical wish

forever changed the lives
of three very special friends.

Ted and Tami-Lynn continued
their torrid Iove affair
for quite some time.

One afternoon,
Ted was caught
behind the deIi counter

eating potato salad
off of Tami-Lynn's
bare bottom.

He was instantly
promoted to store manager.

Sam Jones moved
back to Hollywood

with the goal of
restarting his film career.

He currently
resides in Burbank

where he shares
a studio apartment

with his roommate,
Brandon Routh.

Remember Brandon Routh
from that
God-awfuI Superman movie?

Jesus Christ!

Thanks for
getting our hopes up and
taking a giant shit on us.

Rex was forced to give up
his pursuit of Lori.

Not long afterward,
he feII into
a deep depression

and died of
Lou Gehrig's disease.

Donny was arrested
by Boston police

and charged with
kidnapping a plush toy.

The charges were dropped
when everyone realized

how completely stupid
that sounded.

Robert got a trainer,
Iost a substantiaI
amount of weight

and went on to become

Taylor Lautner.