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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,831 --> 00:00:08,831 Subtitles by explosiveskull 2 00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:11,251 (LIGHTER CLICKS) 3 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:20,217 (WINDING MUSIC BOX) 4 00:00:34,184 --> 00:00:36,850 (ALL OUT OF LOVE PLAYING) 5 00:00:57,685 --> 00:00:59,252 (SNIFFING) 6 00:01:07,252 --> 00:01:09,017 (BOTTLES CLATTERING) 7 00:01:47,184 --> 00:01:50,549 DEADPOOL: Fuck Wolverine. 8 00:01:50,551 --> 00:01:53,349 First, he rides my coattails with the R rating. 9 00:01:53,351 --> 00:01:57,882 Then the hairy motherfucker ups the ante by dying. 10 00:01:57,884 --> 00:02:00,049 What a dick. 11 00:02:00,051 --> 00:02:02,449 Well, guess what, Wolvie? 12 00:02:02,451 --> 00:02:04,948 I'm dying in this one, too. 13 00:02:04,950 --> 00:02:06,185 (X GOIN' GIVE IT TO YA PLAYING) 14 00:02:08,117 --> 00:02:10,149 DEADPOOL: To understand why I took a cat-nap 15 00:02:10,151 --> 00:02:12,549 on 1,200 gallons of high-test fuel... 16 00:02:12,551 --> 00:02:13,783 I need to take you back 17 00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:16,349 to the dewy slopes of six weeks ago. 18 00:02:16,351 --> 00:02:17,749 I'd gone international, 19 00:02:17,751 --> 00:02:19,649 taking out mass murderers, gangsters, 20 00:02:19,651 --> 00:02:21,250 unspeakable monsters. 21 00:02:21,252 --> 00:02:24,183 People nobody would touch. Except me. 22 00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:27,049 I'm gonna touch them all over. 23 00:02:27,051 --> 00:02:28,984 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 24 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,882 DEADPOOL: Hey, it's Gail calling. 25 00:02:31,884 --> 00:02:33,283 Love the shiny suit. 26 00:02:33,285 --> 00:02:34,150 Really brings out 27 00:02:34,152 --> 00:02:35,815 the sex trafficker in your eyes. 28 00:02:35,817 --> 00:02:37,982 (SPEAKING CANTONESE) 29 00:02:37,984 --> 00:02:42,115 (IN ENGLISH) I don't speak Cantonese, Mister... 30 00:02:42,117 --> 00:02:44,183 Well, I'm not even gonna attempt that. 31 00:02:44,185 --> 00:02:47,015 But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so... 32 00:02:47,017 --> 00:02:49,082 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 33 00:02:49,084 --> 00:02:52,082 Which literally translates to... 34 00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:55,349 I don't bargain, pumpkin fucker. 35 00:02:55,351 --> 00:02:56,384 (CELL PHONE CLATTERS) 36 00:02:59,551 --> 00:03:01,152 (WOMAN SCREAMING) 37 00:03:02,351 --> 00:03:04,416 (GUNS COCKING) 38 00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,649 Uno, dos, tres, cuatro... 39 00:03:05,651 --> 00:03:06,850 (GUNS FIRING) 40 00:03:08,218 --> 00:03:09,418 (GRUNTING) 41 00:03:13,351 --> 00:03:15,183 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 42 00:03:15,185 --> 00:03:16,482 (GASPS) 43 00:03:16,484 --> 00:03:18,250 (SHUSHING) 44 00:03:18,252 --> 00:03:20,915 (WHISPERS) I'll take a cranberry-grapefruit vodka. 45 00:03:20,917 --> 00:03:22,382 I know it's called a Sea Breeze. 46 00:03:22,384 --> 00:03:23,848 Don't make me say it. 47 00:03:23,850 --> 00:03:25,449 Hit it, Dolly. 48 00:03:25,451 --> 00:03:27,051 (9 TO 5 PLAYING) 49 00:03:30,218 --> 00:03:31,318 (BOTH GRUNTING) 50 00:03:33,484 --> 00:03:34,484 (WOMAN SCREAMS) 51 00:03:39,618 --> 00:03:40,850 (MEN GROANING) 52 00:03:42,384 --> 00:03:45,251 DEADPOOL: Taking the hands out of the guns of the criminals! 53 00:03:53,384 --> 00:03:54,584 Whoo! Do not go in there! 54 00:04:04,850 --> 00:04:07,948 Oh, God! Oh, God, time out! Time out! 55 00:04:07,950 --> 00:04:11,649 Cut. Got bad guy blood, right in my open eye. 56 00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,582 Oh, that's so gross. 57 00:04:13,584 --> 00:04:14,649 (GROANING) 58 00:04:14,651 --> 00:04:16,217 Fuck. 59 00:04:16,950 --> 00:04:19,052 Scoutmaster Kevin? 60 00:04:22,484 --> 00:04:23,551 (CROWD CHEERING) 61 00:04:25,251 --> 00:04:26,950 Too exotic? 62 00:04:29,318 --> 00:04:31,050 DEADPOOL: My world tour brought me home 63 00:04:31,052 --> 00:04:33,683 to this guy, Sergei Valishnikov. 64 00:04:33,685 --> 00:04:35,116 But we'll get to him in a moment. 65 00:04:35,118 --> 00:04:36,416 'Cause I know what you're thinking. 66 00:04:36,418 --> 00:04:39,649 "I'm so glad I left the kiddos at home." 67 00:04:39,651 --> 00:04:41,050 But that's where you'd be wrong. 68 00:04:41,052 --> 00:04:44,050 That babysitter of yours is high as fuck right now... 69 00:04:44,052 --> 00:04:48,516 and, believe it or not, Deadpool 2 is a family film. 70 00:04:48,518 --> 00:04:49,783 True story. 71 00:04:49,785 --> 00:04:53,549 And every good family film starts with a vicious murder. 72 00:04:53,551 --> 00:04:56,416 Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7. 73 00:04:56,418 --> 00:04:59,882 (CHUCKLING) Holy shit pickles! That guy's on fire. 74 00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:02,616 That's not CGI, folks. He's actually on fire. 75 00:05:02,618 --> 00:05:06,316 Yeah. You know I get paid to take out bad guys, right? 76 00:05:06,318 --> 00:05:07,316 But this guy? 77 00:05:07,318 --> 00:05:09,884 He was one of the worst of 'em. 78 00:05:12,118 --> 00:05:13,848 Hurry up and open this fucking door, 79 00:05:13,850 --> 00:05:14,983 and let's kill this motherfucker! 80 00:05:14,985 --> 00:05:16,416 - (ALARM RINGING) - (GUNSHOT) 81 00:05:16,418 --> 00:05:17,418 (BODY THUDS) 82 00:05:22,384 --> 00:05:24,449 Ugh. So gross. 83 00:05:24,451 --> 00:05:27,149 A panic room? Really? 84 00:05:27,151 --> 00:05:29,349 - Can you come out? - (WATCH BEEPING) 85 00:05:29,351 --> 00:05:32,817 I really have to go. It's my anniversary. 86 00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:38,182 (GUNS COCKING) 87 00:05:38,184 --> 00:05:39,683 MAN: (ON RADIO) Over and over, I hear people say, 88 00:05:39,685 --> 00:05:41,182 "I just don't have enough confidence." 89 00:05:41,184 --> 00:05:43,316 Listen, confidence is not something you have. 90 00:05:43,318 --> 00:05:44,848 - It's something you create. - (LAUGHS) 91 00:05:44,850 --> 00:05:46,949 And you can create it at any moment in time. 92 00:05:46,951 --> 00:05:48,749 A sense of confidence is nothing 93 00:05:48,751 --> 00:05:50,182 but a sense of power within yourself... 94 00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,182 a sense of certainty that you can pull something off. 95 00:05:52,184 --> 00:05:54,115 DEADPOOL: Start the car! Start the fucking car! 96 00:05:54,117 --> 00:05:54,983 Dopinder! 97 00:05:54,985 --> 00:05:56,985 Start the fucking car! 98 00:05:57,484 --> 00:05:58,484 (SCREAMS) 99 00:06:04,018 --> 00:06:05,749 - Whoo! - Oh, I shit my pants. 100 00:06:05,751 --> 00:06:08,016 Actually, that may have been me. 101 00:06:08,018 --> 00:06:09,482 Oh, mission accomplished? 102 00:06:09,484 --> 00:06:11,182 Well, in a George W. sort of way. 103 00:06:11,184 --> 00:06:13,182 Fucker can't stay in a panic room forever. 104 00:06:13,184 --> 00:06:14,815 DOPINDER: Oh, you're living the dreams, DP. 105 00:06:14,817 --> 00:06:16,716 It has been quite the run, Dopinder, 106 00:06:16,718 --> 00:06:17,983 and who'da thought? 107 00:06:17,985 --> 00:06:20,716 Now I'm talked about in the same sentence as Jesus. 108 00:06:20,718 --> 00:06:22,649 Passion of the Christ, then me. 109 00:06:22,651 --> 00:06:23,882 At least domestically. 110 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,082 We beat them overseas, 111 00:06:25,084 --> 00:06:27,149 where there's no such thing as religion. 112 00:06:27,151 --> 00:06:29,316 I do want to live the dreams, Pool Boy. 113 00:06:29,318 --> 00:06:31,815 Taxiing is not as sexy as it looks. 114 00:06:31,817 --> 00:06:33,482 - I want to fill my... - Pockets? 115 00:06:33,484 --> 00:06:36,783 What's your poison? A little, uh, cokey cokey? 116 00:06:36,785 --> 00:06:38,215 Can't maintain an erection 117 00:06:38,217 --> 00:06:39,882 - without buying shoes online? - (HORN HONKS) 118 00:06:39,884 --> 00:06:41,882 I've never experienced that last one. 119 00:06:41,884 --> 00:06:43,182 Talk to me, Goose. 120 00:06:43,184 --> 00:06:45,983 I was going to say "soul". I want to fill my soul. 121 00:06:45,985 --> 00:06:49,382 I want to belong to something, like you, Pool, sir. 122 00:06:49,384 --> 00:06:50,983 - Dopinder... - Hmm? 123 00:06:50,985 --> 00:06:53,051 You never cease to surprise me. 124 00:06:54,251 --> 00:06:57,182 You know, the depth of your heart is extraordinary. 125 00:06:57,184 --> 00:06:58,949 We all need a sense of belonging. 126 00:06:58,951 --> 00:07:00,815 We all need a genuine sense of home. 127 00:07:00,817 --> 00:07:01,883 A place in this world. 128 00:07:01,885 --> 00:07:03,249 I want to become a contract killer. 129 00:07:03,251 --> 00:07:04,949 I'm sorry. What did you say? 130 00:07:04,951 --> 00:07:06,983 Remember when I kidnapped Bandhu 131 00:07:06,985 --> 00:07:08,549 and threatened him with great violence? 132 00:07:08,551 --> 00:07:09,949 You kind of killed him. 133 00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:11,916 And then remember the movie Interview with the Vampire? 134 00:07:11,918 --> 00:07:13,049 Don't want to. 135 00:07:13,051 --> 00:07:14,115 When Tom Cruise fed 136 00:07:14,117 --> 00:07:16,015 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst blood 137 00:07:16,017 --> 00:07:17,249 for the first time... 138 00:07:17,251 --> 00:07:19,783 and she looked up at his smooth, 139 00:07:19,785 --> 00:07:22,251 handsome face and said... 140 00:07:22,718 --> 00:07:24,416 "I want some more." 141 00:07:24,418 --> 00:07:28,451 Oh, Pool, picture me, a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst. 142 00:07:29,384 --> 00:07:31,916 I'll never not picture that. 143 00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:33,749 But I can't wait to never speak of this, 144 00:07:33,751 --> 00:07:35,649 as soon as possible. 145 00:07:35,651 --> 00:07:38,318 - We're here. - (BRAKES SCREECHING) 146 00:07:40,451 --> 00:07:41,349 You're my Tom Cruise! 147 00:07:41,351 --> 00:07:43,316 DEADPOOL: And you're my Kristen Dunst! 148 00:07:43,318 --> 00:07:44,885 Kristen? Kirsten? 149 00:07:49,751 --> 00:07:51,449 Sorry I'm late. 150 00:07:51,451 --> 00:07:52,949 There was a bunch of 151 00:07:52,951 --> 00:07:55,049 handicapable children stuck in a tree... 152 00:07:55,051 --> 00:07:56,516 - and I had to, uh... - Uh-uh. 153 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:59,349 You're right. I was fighting a caped badass. 154 00:07:59,351 --> 00:08:02,115 But then we discovered his mom is named Martha, too. 155 00:08:02,117 --> 00:08:03,416 No. 156 00:08:03,418 --> 00:08:04,418 Traffic? 157 00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:06,151 Hmm? 158 00:08:07,017 --> 00:08:08,616 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 159 00:08:08,618 --> 00:08:09,918 Well, come here. 160 00:08:11,785 --> 00:08:13,818 (TAKE ON ME PLAYING) 161 00:08:18,885 --> 00:08:21,382 (VANESSA MOANS) 162 00:08:21,384 --> 00:08:23,982 I'm gonna shower and get out of this suit. 163 00:08:23,984 --> 00:08:25,149 Don't you want your surprise? 164 00:08:25,151 --> 00:08:27,217 Do I look like a patient burn victim? 165 00:08:27,851 --> 00:08:29,251 I got one for you, too. 166 00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:31,816 Happy anniversary, baby. 167 00:08:31,818 --> 00:08:33,484 Open, open, open. 168 00:08:35,484 --> 00:08:37,316 Skee-Ball token. 169 00:08:37,318 --> 00:08:38,649 Our first date. 170 00:08:38,651 --> 00:08:39,982 Yup. 171 00:08:39,984 --> 00:08:43,084 That's genuine, high-grade lead. 172 00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:48,282 - I'll keep it forever. - (CHUCKLES) 173 00:08:48,284 --> 00:08:49,818 Thank you, baby. 174 00:08:51,084 --> 00:08:53,051 - Open yours. - All right, all right. 175 00:08:53,751 --> 00:08:55,217 Oh... 176 00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:58,449 That's just the most beautiful thing that I've... 177 00:08:58,451 --> 00:08:59,849 I don't know what this is. 178 00:08:59,851 --> 00:09:01,683 My IUD. 179 00:09:01,685 --> 00:09:02,883 A bomb? 180 00:09:02,885 --> 00:09:05,982 No, dick for brains. My birth control device. 181 00:09:05,984 --> 00:09:07,049 What, you mean that your... 182 00:09:07,051 --> 00:09:08,915 Baby factory's open for business. 183 00:09:08,917 --> 00:09:10,182 - Oh, my God! - (BOX CLATTERS) 184 00:09:10,184 --> 00:09:13,449 - (VANESSA LAUGHS) - Oh, my God! I want a boy! 185 00:09:13,451 --> 00:09:16,516 Or a little girl! Definitely one or the other! 186 00:09:16,518 --> 00:09:19,584 Oh! And I want our kid to have only one name. 187 00:09:20,251 --> 00:09:23,282 Like Cher or Todd. 188 00:09:23,284 --> 00:09:25,249 You gotta pump a baby in me first, cowboy. 189 00:09:25,251 --> 00:09:26,316 Yes, I do. 190 00:09:26,318 --> 00:09:28,282 Let's watch some porn and show that bed who's boss. 191 00:09:28,284 --> 00:09:29,284 Let's do that. 192 00:09:30,384 --> 00:09:32,449 ♪ Papa... ♪ 193 00:09:32,451 --> 00:09:34,551 ♪ Can you hear me? ♪ 194 00:09:36,184 --> 00:09:38,784 ♪ Papa, can you see me? ♪ 195 00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:41,184 Does this song sound familiar to you? 196 00:09:43,418 --> 00:09:45,382 May. 197 00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:49,351 Connor, if it's a boy. May, if it's a girl. 198 00:09:50,618 --> 00:09:51,882 (CHUCKLES) 199 00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:54,249 - So weird. - (LAUGHS) 200 00:09:54,251 --> 00:09:56,984 Family was always an F-word to me. 201 00:09:58,184 --> 00:10:02,582 My pile of shit father took off and bailed. 202 00:10:02,584 --> 00:10:04,982 I mean, it's not like I have a lot of strong role models 203 00:10:04,984 --> 00:10:07,284 to draw off of for Todd. 204 00:10:08,318 --> 00:10:11,017 Hey. Look at me. 205 00:10:11,950 --> 00:10:14,284 You are not your father. 206 00:10:15,818 --> 00:10:17,115 Besides... 207 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:22,184 I will never, ever let our child be named Todd. 208 00:10:22,984 --> 00:10:24,049 But here's the thing, 209 00:10:24,051 --> 00:10:25,451 isn't that how it always works? 210 00:10:25,984 --> 00:10:27,416 Like in Star Wars, 211 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:30,215 men are destined to become their father... 212 00:10:30,217 --> 00:10:33,316 and then have consensual sex with their sister? 213 00:10:33,318 --> 00:10:36,815 I think you missed big, big chunks of that movie. 214 00:10:36,817 --> 00:10:39,082 No, I'm pretty sure Luke nailed her. 215 00:10:39,084 --> 00:10:41,349 Baby, that's Empire. 216 00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:44,017 The point is, kids... 217 00:10:45,217 --> 00:10:48,117 they give us a chance to be better than we are. 218 00:10:48,786 --> 00:10:51,549 Better than we used to be. 219 00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:54,051 You're a lot smarter than I look. 220 00:10:54,884 --> 00:10:56,717 I'm gonna go make dessert. 221 00:10:56,719 --> 00:11:01,082 You get the strap-on. Let's make a super baby. 222 00:11:01,084 --> 00:11:03,551 Pretty sure it doesn't work that way, but we can try. 223 00:11:04,785 --> 00:11:08,215 VANESSA: What about Krystal? But with a "K"? 224 00:11:08,217 --> 00:11:10,282 - (TIMER TICKING) - It's too stripper-y. 225 00:11:10,284 --> 00:11:11,717 Kevin with a "K"! 226 00:11:11,719 --> 00:11:13,984 No, too stripper-y, too. 227 00:11:14,451 --> 00:11:16,215 Uh, Earl! 228 00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,717 (IN SLOW MOTION) He's gonna go straight to jail 229 00:11:18,719 --> 00:11:20,915 if we name him Earl. 230 00:11:20,917 --> 00:11:23,017 What about Bruce? 231 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,349 No. 232 00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,582 Get down. 233 00:11:26,584 --> 00:11:27,984 - What? - (GUN FIRES) 234 00:11:30,518 --> 00:11:32,284 (ALL GRUNTING) 235 00:11:37,418 --> 00:11:39,817 (GUN FIRING) 236 00:11:56,518 --> 00:11:58,617 Baby? Baby? 237 00:11:58,619 --> 00:12:00,817 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 238 00:12:01,785 --> 00:12:03,382 I'm okay. 239 00:12:03,384 --> 00:12:06,182 Thank God I didn't have to use the cream cheese spreader. 240 00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,017 - (BOTH PANTING) - (GASPS) 241 00:12:26,751 --> 00:12:28,850 (INAUDIBLE) 242 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,151 (MOUTHING) Please. 243 00:12:47,217 --> 00:12:48,915 Please. Please. 244 00:12:48,917 --> 00:12:52,282 Baby, I'm so sorry. 245 00:12:52,284 --> 00:12:56,151 No! 246 00:13:02,552 --> 00:13:03,585 (DINGS) 247 00:13:15,585 --> 00:13:17,151 (PANTING) 248 00:13:21,685 --> 00:13:24,251 - (HORN BLARING) - (GRUNTS) 249 00:13:27,884 --> 00:13:29,884 (TIRES SCREECHING) 250 00:13:39,585 --> 00:13:40,585 (THUNDER RUMBLES) 251 00:13:42,718 --> 00:13:44,815 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 252 00:13:44,817 --> 00:13:46,084 (ENGINE STALLING) 253 00:13:48,785 --> 00:13:50,485 (YELLS) 254 00:14:07,950 --> 00:14:10,017 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 255 00:14:15,751 --> 00:14:17,817 (THUNDER RUMBLING) 256 00:14:20,585 --> 00:14:23,151 (HORN BLARES) 257 00:14:26,251 --> 00:14:28,284 (WOMAN SINGING) 258 00:16:00,318 --> 00:16:03,251 ♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪ 259 00:16:04,385 --> 00:16:05,549 Is it just me, or does 260 00:16:05,551 --> 00:16:07,683 Do You Want to Build a Snowman? from Frozen... 261 00:16:07,685 --> 00:16:09,082 sound suspiciously like 262 00:16:09,084 --> 00:16:11,282 Papa, Can You Hear Me? from Yentl? 263 00:16:11,284 --> 00:16:12,182 (SNIFFLES) 264 00:16:12,184 --> 00:16:14,850 ♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪ 265 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,582 And nobody fucking realizes it. 266 00:16:18,584 --> 00:16:21,815 Go home. You've been here for three days, okay? 267 00:16:21,817 --> 00:16:24,049 You smell like somebody shit in a Civil War wound... 268 00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:25,549 after it had become gangrenous. 269 00:16:25,551 --> 00:16:27,882 They should've just amputated it. Why shit in it? 270 00:16:27,884 --> 00:16:29,516 Doesn't make any sense. 271 00:16:29,518 --> 00:16:31,115 I love Frozen. 272 00:16:31,117 --> 00:16:34,649 I loved her. I loved her like an ocean loves water. 273 00:16:34,651 --> 00:16:36,049 An ocean is water. 274 00:16:36,051 --> 00:16:41,082 More importantly, I liked her. I really liked her, you know? 275 00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,249 George Michael was right. 276 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,716 I'm never gonna dance again. Fuck! 277 00:16:44,718 --> 00:16:45,917 He's dead, too. 278 00:16:47,017 --> 00:16:49,015 At least we still have Bowie. 279 00:16:49,017 --> 00:16:53,084 Yeah. We still have Bowie. 280 00:16:53,551 --> 00:16:54,815 I'm sorry. 281 00:16:54,817 --> 00:16:56,149 Shot after shot, 282 00:16:56,151 --> 00:16:58,149 it's not gonna change the fact that I think you're... 283 00:16:58,151 --> 00:16:59,549 Are you pissing? Are you urinating right now? 284 00:16:59,551 --> 00:17:02,582 You're making the face that you make when you urinate. 285 00:17:02,584 --> 00:17:04,482 - Is he pissing? - I'm on it! 286 00:17:04,484 --> 00:17:05,815 There you go, Dopinder. 287 00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:07,783 If you want to be a contract killer... 288 00:17:07,785 --> 00:17:10,249 you gotta handle a mop before you handle a gun. 289 00:17:10,251 --> 00:17:11,516 Although I don't quite understand 290 00:17:11,518 --> 00:17:12,815 how they are at all similar. 291 00:17:12,817 --> 00:17:15,251 Well, they both have handles. Now, leave me. 292 00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:17,848 Go home, Wade. 293 00:17:17,850 --> 00:17:20,749 I don't have a home, Weas, you know. I got a... 294 00:17:20,751 --> 00:17:23,250 Fuck! Okay, I'm fine. 295 00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:24,115 I'm fine. 296 00:17:24,117 --> 00:17:26,015 You know what "fine" stands for, Wade? 297 00:17:26,017 --> 00:17:29,815 Fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional. 298 00:17:29,817 --> 00:17:31,217 According to the... 299 00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:33,882 - Kubler-Ross. - Yeah. 300 00:17:33,884 --> 00:17:35,848 According to the Kubler-Ross model... 301 00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:38,683 denial is just one of the five stages of grief. 302 00:17:38,685 --> 00:17:40,982 Jesus Christ, Buck! 303 00:17:40,984 --> 00:17:43,117 No more speaking lines for you. 304 00:17:45,584 --> 00:17:47,616 (LAUGHING) 305 00:17:47,618 --> 00:17:51,649 (JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO) 306 00:17:51,651 --> 00:17:54,084 (COMEDY SERIES PLAYING ON RADIO) 307 00:18:06,850 --> 00:18:09,451 - (SNIFFS) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO) 308 00:18:19,084 --> 00:18:20,582 "I'm thinking it over!" 309 00:18:20,584 --> 00:18:22,049 Motherfuck! 310 00:18:22,051 --> 00:18:23,051 Fuck! 311 00:18:23,984 --> 00:18:25,848 (SIGHS IN RELIEF) 312 00:18:25,850 --> 00:18:27,549 The hell you doin' here? 313 00:18:27,551 --> 00:18:29,416 Don't you know how to knock? 314 00:18:29,418 --> 00:18:31,449 I thought you saw me... 315 00:18:31,451 --> 00:18:32,848 with your ears. 316 00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,216 You're lucky I didn't shoot you in the... 317 00:18:34,218 --> 00:18:35,149 The wall? 318 00:18:35,151 --> 00:18:38,850 The refrigerator? I'm in so much pain. 319 00:18:41,252 --> 00:18:43,049 BLIND AL: I heard the news, sweetie. 320 00:18:43,051 --> 00:18:45,349 I'm very sorry. I am. 321 00:18:45,351 --> 00:18:47,149 What am I gonna do, Al? 322 00:18:47,151 --> 00:18:49,084 Probably something terrible. 323 00:18:50,218 --> 00:18:51,549 Knowing you. 324 00:18:51,551 --> 00:18:53,185 It was my fault. 325 00:18:54,351 --> 00:18:56,948 I fucking did this. 326 00:18:56,950 --> 00:18:59,015 And all I wanna do is grab her and see her 327 00:18:59,017 --> 00:19:01,051 and tell her that I'm sorry, and I can't. 328 00:19:03,218 --> 00:19:04,948 She's gone. 329 00:19:04,950 --> 00:19:08,649 BLIND AL: Sweetheart, can you speak up? 330 00:19:08,651 --> 00:19:10,049 It's a little hard to hear you 331 00:19:10,051 --> 00:19:11,516 with that pity dick in your mouth. 332 00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:14,716 Now, look, sugar. You need to just keep living. 333 00:19:14,718 --> 00:19:15,948 Thank you... 334 00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:19,015 Matthew McConaughey, your words are a treasure. 335 00:19:19,017 --> 00:19:21,115 Listen to the pain. 336 00:19:21,117 --> 00:19:23,948 It's both history teacher and fortune teller. 337 00:19:23,950 --> 00:19:27,482 Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. 338 00:19:27,484 --> 00:19:31,416 Sometimes, it's so bad, we feel like we're dying. 339 00:19:31,418 --> 00:19:34,384 But we can't really live till we've died a little, can we? 340 00:19:36,785 --> 00:19:38,152 Wade? 341 00:19:40,518 --> 00:19:42,582 - Wade? - I'm right here, Althea. 342 00:19:42,584 --> 00:19:45,416 And that is the most beautiful thing 343 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,316 I've ever heard. 344 00:19:47,318 --> 00:19:48,950 You're absolutely right. 345 00:19:51,618 --> 00:19:52,683 (COUGHS) 346 00:19:52,685 --> 00:19:55,185 I'm about to do something terrible. 347 00:19:57,051 --> 00:19:58,882 (ALL OUT OF LOVE PLAYING ON MUSIC BOX) 348 00:19:58,884 --> 00:20:01,183 There. All caught up. 349 00:20:01,185 --> 00:20:04,116 You can't really live until you've died a little. 350 00:20:04,118 --> 00:20:06,084 Let's test that theory, shall we? 351 00:20:15,685 --> 00:20:18,349 (OVERLAPPING VOICES) 352 00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,915 VANESSA: Baby factory's open for business. 353 00:20:20,917 --> 00:20:23,351 (OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE) 354 00:20:24,351 --> 00:20:26,516 WADE: Your crazy matches my crazy. 355 00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:28,783 VANESSA: I will never, ever let our child be named Todd. 356 00:20:28,785 --> 00:20:30,549 WADE: Skee-Ball token. 357 00:20:30,551 --> 00:20:32,150 (VOICES ECHOING) 358 00:20:32,152 --> 00:20:35,282 VANESSA: Happy International Women's Day. 359 00:20:35,284 --> 00:20:36,616 WADE: Listen, I've been thinking a lot. 360 00:20:36,618 --> 00:20:37,783 VANESSA: Really? 361 00:20:37,785 --> 00:20:38,848 WADE: About why we're so good together. 362 00:20:38,850 --> 00:20:40,282 VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson. 363 00:20:40,284 --> 00:20:41,850 (GASPS) 364 00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:44,152 WADE: Ness? 365 00:20:45,551 --> 00:20:46,817 Ness? 366 00:20:47,484 --> 00:20:49,050 Ness. 367 00:20:49,052 --> 00:20:51,917 Ness, there's something here. I can't get to you. 368 00:20:53,351 --> 00:20:56,015 Your heart's not in the right place. 369 00:20:56,017 --> 00:20:58,749 (STAMMERS) Wait, hold on. What? 370 00:20:58,751 --> 00:21:00,815 Your heart's not in the right place. 371 00:21:00,817 --> 00:21:02,050 Wait. What do you mean 372 00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:03,449 my heart's not in the right place? What does it... 373 00:21:03,451 --> 00:21:05,017 (TIMER TICKING) 374 00:21:06,785 --> 00:21:07,984 (TIMER DINGS) 375 00:21:23,217 --> 00:21:25,915 I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Wade. 376 00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:27,616 You're broken. 377 00:21:27,618 --> 00:21:31,085 DEADPOOL: Oh, God. I know that voice. 378 00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:36,249 DEADPOOL: "Heart's in the right place." 379 00:21:36,251 --> 00:21:37,848 "Heart's in the right..." What does that mean? 380 00:21:37,850 --> 00:21:39,716 You've been sleep for three days. 381 00:21:39,718 --> 00:21:41,582 I took the liberty of dressing you. 382 00:21:41,584 --> 00:21:42,848 DEADPOOL: No shit. 383 00:21:42,850 --> 00:21:44,815 Why can't I fucking die? 384 00:21:44,817 --> 00:21:46,449 COLOSSUS: Take your mask off, Wade. 385 00:21:46,451 --> 00:21:48,016 We must talk. 386 00:21:48,018 --> 00:21:50,549 - You need fresh start. - (GROANS) 387 00:21:50,551 --> 00:21:52,948 With training, you can be X-Man. 388 00:21:52,950 --> 00:21:55,083 You're wasting your time, Shiny Jesus. 389 00:21:55,085 --> 00:21:56,549 I'm not X-Man material. 390 00:21:56,551 --> 00:21:58,217 Understatement of the year. 391 00:21:58,584 --> 00:21:59,584 Wade, Yukio. 392 00:22:00,151 --> 00:22:01,915 Yukio, Wade. 393 00:22:01,917 --> 00:22:04,149 What in the fuck knuckles is this? 394 00:22:04,151 --> 00:22:06,783 She's my girlfriend, you intolerant shit. 395 00:22:06,785 --> 00:22:08,749 Whoa! Pump the hate brakes, Fox & Friends. 396 00:22:08,751 --> 00:22:10,749 I'm just surprised anyone would date you. 397 00:22:10,751 --> 00:22:13,482 Especially Pinkie Pie from My Little Pony. 398 00:22:13,484 --> 00:22:15,382 I like this guy. 399 00:22:15,384 --> 00:22:17,282 Give him a chance. 400 00:22:17,284 --> 00:22:18,582 It's great seeing you like this. 401 00:22:18,584 --> 00:22:20,917 (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) Yeah. 402 00:22:21,284 --> 00:22:22,382 Bye, Wade! 403 00:22:22,384 --> 00:22:24,983 Now, some ground rules while under our roof. 404 00:22:24,985 --> 00:22:27,848 "Rule number one. No killing... 405 00:22:27,850 --> 00:22:31,215 "anyone ever, no matter how bad. 406 00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:34,149 "Rule two. Label everything in refrigerator." 407 00:22:34,151 --> 00:22:35,151 Wade? 408 00:22:36,052 --> 00:22:37,215 Wade? 409 00:22:37,217 --> 00:22:38,382 Wade! 410 00:22:38,384 --> 00:22:40,016 Don't try to chase me. 411 00:22:40,018 --> 00:22:42,382 (WHISPERS) I'm not ready to be touched again. 412 00:22:42,384 --> 00:22:44,716 All these elderly white men on the walls... 413 00:22:44,718 --> 00:22:46,549 Should have brought my rape whistle. 414 00:22:46,551 --> 00:22:47,815 - Hi. - (OBJECTS SHATTERING) 415 00:22:47,817 --> 00:22:50,482 Those were already damaged after they fell there! 416 00:22:50,484 --> 00:22:52,416 What am I supposed to do around here, anyway? 417 00:22:52,418 --> 00:22:54,815 Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? 418 00:22:54,817 --> 00:22:57,616 And how would I do that exactly? 419 00:22:57,618 --> 00:23:00,382 'Cause where the fuck is everyone? 420 00:23:00,384 --> 00:23:01,382 It's always just you 421 00:23:01,384 --> 00:23:02,815 and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever... 422 00:23:02,817 --> 00:23:04,082 Enough! 423 00:23:04,084 --> 00:23:06,117 (GASPS) I said no touching! 424 00:23:07,718 --> 00:23:10,983 What the fuck? 425 00:23:10,985 --> 00:23:13,349 You'd think the studio would throw us a bone. 426 00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:15,848 They can't just dust off one of the famous X-Men? 427 00:23:15,850 --> 00:23:17,983 How 'bout that putz with the giant pigeon wings? 428 00:23:17,985 --> 00:23:19,149 What do those do anyway, huh? 429 00:23:19,151 --> 00:23:20,683 Carry him three feet off the ground 430 00:23:20,685 --> 00:23:22,749 to snatch up the nearest muffin crumb? 431 00:23:22,751 --> 00:23:24,916 - (DOORS CLOSE) - No, no, no! 432 00:23:24,918 --> 00:23:27,883 I am not X-Man material at all. 433 00:23:27,885 --> 00:23:30,282 First off... (BREATHES DEEPLY) 434 00:23:30,284 --> 00:23:32,551 I'm not even a virgin. Second and more... (GROANS) 435 00:23:33,351 --> 00:23:34,683 (GRUNTS) 436 00:23:34,685 --> 00:23:35,783 I should have left you 437 00:23:35,785 --> 00:23:37,649 in the self-pitying mess I found you in. 438 00:23:37,651 --> 00:23:40,683 But this is what friends do. They show up! 439 00:23:40,685 --> 00:23:42,716 Not when convenient or easy. 440 00:23:42,718 --> 00:23:47,049 When hard, and you always make it hard. 441 00:23:47,051 --> 00:23:49,482 - (BREATHING HEAVILY) - You are unwell. 442 00:23:49,484 --> 00:23:51,783 I'm sticking my neck out bringing you here. 443 00:23:51,785 --> 00:23:53,649 (STRAINING) Wait. One of the assholes 444 00:23:53,651 --> 00:23:55,251 who killed Vanessa got away. 445 00:23:56,051 --> 00:23:57,117 (GRUNTS) 446 00:23:57,718 --> 00:24:00,082 Oh, Jesus Christ! 447 00:24:00,084 --> 00:24:02,249 Wade, whoever they are... 448 00:24:02,251 --> 00:24:05,284 we track them down and bring them to justice. 449 00:24:05,618 --> 00:24:07,084 It was me. 450 00:24:09,951 --> 00:24:12,516 I'm the asshole who got away. 451 00:24:12,518 --> 00:24:15,716 I killed every last one of them, except me. 452 00:24:15,718 --> 00:24:17,484 Couldn't kill me. 453 00:24:20,718 --> 00:24:22,918 We were gonna start a family. 454 00:24:24,551 --> 00:24:26,549 We were, uh... (SNIFFLES) 455 00:24:26,551 --> 00:24:27,716 (CLEARS THROAT) 456 00:24:27,718 --> 00:24:30,316 We were gonna be a family. 457 00:24:30,318 --> 00:24:31,249 COLOSSUS: Wade... 458 00:24:31,251 --> 00:24:34,251 Vanessa is gone. She's not coming back. 459 00:24:35,718 --> 00:24:38,015 This may not be family you want... 460 00:24:38,017 --> 00:24:40,582 but it's family you need. 461 00:24:40,584 --> 00:24:41,849 You have a good heart. 462 00:24:41,851 --> 00:24:43,484 It belongs here where it can grow. 463 00:24:45,318 --> 00:24:46,351 What did you say? 464 00:24:48,351 --> 00:24:49,818 About my heart? 465 00:24:53,551 --> 00:24:55,015 (EXHALES) 466 00:24:55,017 --> 00:24:57,217 I think I'm in the right place. 467 00:25:07,217 --> 00:25:08,885 (GRUNTS) 468 00:25:55,917 --> 00:25:57,351 (INAUDIBLE) 469 00:26:00,818 --> 00:26:02,917 (SCREAMING) 470 00:26:11,518 --> 00:26:12,518 Wade. 471 00:26:13,117 --> 00:26:14,516 Wade! 472 00:26:14,518 --> 00:26:17,649 Hey, I was just taking Cerebro for a spin here... 473 00:26:17,651 --> 00:26:19,449 looking deep into the future. 474 00:26:19,451 --> 00:26:20,750 Phew. This thing... 475 00:26:20,752 --> 00:26:22,649 - That's not how Cerebro works. - That's not how Cerebro works. 476 00:26:22,651 --> 00:26:24,649 Yes. Yes, it is. 477 00:26:24,651 --> 00:26:26,416 - We have mission. - We have mission. 478 00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:28,382 We do. You do. 479 00:26:28,384 --> 00:26:29,482 You guys be safe out there. 480 00:26:29,484 --> 00:26:32,451 - No, I want you to join. - No, you want me to join. 481 00:26:33,950 --> 00:26:35,382 I'm sorry, what? 482 00:26:35,384 --> 00:26:36,849 You are ready. 483 00:26:36,851 --> 00:26:38,382 That's a terrible idea, and it's gonna end badly. 484 00:26:38,384 --> 00:26:40,649 You wanna know how I know? I'll give you a hint. 485 00:26:40,651 --> 00:26:41,784 (WHISPERS) It's on my head 486 00:26:41,786 --> 00:26:43,882 and smells like Patrick Stewart. 487 00:26:43,884 --> 00:26:45,784 Be at the X-Jet in five. 488 00:26:45,786 --> 00:26:47,384 (CRACKLING) 489 00:26:48,752 --> 00:26:51,282 REPORTER: Irene Merryweather, WHIT News. 490 00:26:51,284 --> 00:26:53,249 Live here at a breaking news situation 491 00:26:53,251 --> 00:26:56,049 at the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation. 492 00:26:56,051 --> 00:26:58,015 A mutant boy is appearing to have 493 00:26:58,017 --> 00:26:59,382 some sort of an incident... 494 00:26:59,384 --> 00:27:01,149 - with police here behind me. - RUSSELL: Get away from me! 495 00:27:01,151 --> 00:27:03,684 There are two police vehicles that are overturned. 496 00:27:03,686 --> 00:27:05,049 - There are open fires. - Fuck off! Stay back! 497 00:27:05,051 --> 00:27:06,316 REPORTER: A scene of absolute chaos here. 498 00:27:06,318 --> 00:27:07,215 OFFICER: Calm down. 499 00:27:07,217 --> 00:27:10,184 RUSSELL: I'll burn you! You stay back! 500 00:27:10,752 --> 00:27:12,416 Get away from me! 501 00:27:12,418 --> 00:27:15,184 You wanna fucking die? (BREATHING HEAVILY) 502 00:27:29,917 --> 00:27:33,316 And it appears as if the X-Men are arriving... 503 00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:34,784 DEADPOOL: Scatter! 504 00:27:34,786 --> 00:27:36,616 REPORTER: ...with what appears to be a trainee. 505 00:27:36,618 --> 00:27:39,848 DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down! The pros are here. I... 506 00:27:39,850 --> 00:27:41,115 We're the X-Men! 507 00:27:41,117 --> 00:27:43,684 A dated metaphor for racism in the '60s. 508 00:27:43,686 --> 00:27:45,584 So, respect. 509 00:27:46,351 --> 00:27:47,551 At ease, Officer. 510 00:27:49,017 --> 00:27:50,850 What are you doing? 511 00:27:51,217 --> 00:27:52,282 My job! 512 00:27:52,284 --> 00:27:53,848 You're the one who said I was ready, 513 00:27:53,850 --> 00:27:55,282 and I frankly disagreed with you. 514 00:27:55,284 --> 00:27:57,848 But here we are, trying to overcome our differences. 515 00:27:57,850 --> 00:28:00,384 Like Beyonce says, "Please... 516 00:28:01,051 --> 00:28:02,549 "Please, stop cheating on me." 517 00:28:02,551 --> 00:28:03,684 OFFICER: Hey! 518 00:28:03,686 --> 00:28:05,015 This is the fifth incident. 519 00:28:05,017 --> 00:28:07,416 This kid needs to be in the Ice Box, not here. 520 00:28:07,418 --> 00:28:09,049 Russell belongs in our care. 521 00:28:09,051 --> 00:28:10,848 Not in prison. I assure you... 522 00:28:10,850 --> 00:28:11,982 we have everything under control. 523 00:28:11,984 --> 00:28:13,282 RUSSELL: Stay back! I'll burn you! 524 00:28:13,284 --> 00:28:14,316 Not getting a real 525 00:28:14,318 --> 00:28:16,582 "under control" vibe here, Marty. 526 00:28:16,584 --> 00:28:18,449 - It is Glen, isn't it? - Daniel. 527 00:28:18,451 --> 00:28:20,982 I'll ask the questions. Let me talk to the kid. 528 00:28:20,984 --> 00:28:25,318 You stay here with your weird, secret sex lips. 529 00:28:27,384 --> 00:28:28,516 RUSSELL: You wanna die? 530 00:28:28,518 --> 00:28:29,449 DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable. 531 00:28:29,451 --> 00:28:30,717 I don't know why I packed the hollow points. 532 00:28:30,719 --> 00:28:32,115 I'll burn your balls off! 533 00:28:32,117 --> 00:28:35,617 First day. (CHUCKLING) I'm so nervous! 534 00:28:35,619 --> 00:28:37,416 Did you just say "hollow points"? 535 00:28:37,418 --> 00:28:38,617 Yeah, probably should've 536 00:28:38,619 --> 00:28:40,850 brought a Super Soaker. (LAUGHS) 537 00:28:41,351 --> 00:28:42,351 Hi, there! 538 00:28:43,551 --> 00:28:45,982 Stay back or Justin Bieber dies! 539 00:28:45,984 --> 00:28:49,551 (LAUGHS) Justin Bieber. He called you Justin Bieber. 540 00:28:50,817 --> 00:28:52,650 - (RUSSELL GRUNTS) - Hold on! Wait, wait, wait! 541 00:28:52,652 --> 00:28:55,749 Okay, let's not do whatever that is. 542 00:28:55,751 --> 00:28:57,349 Okay? Let's just talk! 543 00:28:57,351 --> 00:28:58,915 It's Russell, right? 544 00:28:58,917 --> 00:29:01,149 - Firefist. - Firefist. 545 00:29:01,151 --> 00:29:03,382 Ooh, that's a great name. Where does it burn? 546 00:29:03,384 --> 00:29:05,117 Just the fist, or all the way up to the elbow? 547 00:29:06,084 --> 00:29:07,284 (GRUNTS) 548 00:29:08,817 --> 00:29:10,082 (CROWD EXCLAIMS) 549 00:29:10,084 --> 00:29:12,716 (CHUCKLES) Definitely all the way up to the elbow. 550 00:29:12,718 --> 00:29:15,382 Come quietly, or there will be trouble. 551 00:29:15,384 --> 00:29:18,449 - You stole that from Robocop! - That's from Robocop! 552 00:29:18,451 --> 00:29:19,982 Just stand down! 553 00:29:19,984 --> 00:29:22,282 You're embarrassing me. Look, Fire... 554 00:29:22,284 --> 00:29:23,349 (LAUGHS) 555 00:29:23,351 --> 00:29:26,149 Oh, my God! I can't say it! I'm so sorry! 556 00:29:26,151 --> 00:29:27,151 (GRUNTS) 557 00:29:27,917 --> 00:29:30,550 (ALL SCREAMING) 558 00:29:30,552 --> 00:29:34,583 Oh, shit! That fucking does it! 559 00:29:34,585 --> 00:29:35,915 Put your hands behind your knees 560 00:29:35,917 --> 00:29:37,617 and get down on your head! Now! 561 00:29:37,619 --> 00:29:39,815 Wade! What was first rule? 562 00:29:39,817 --> 00:29:41,617 Label everything in the refrigerator! 563 00:29:41,619 --> 00:29:44,382 - Do not escalate! - Rules are meant to be broken! 564 00:29:44,384 --> 00:29:45,948 COLOSSUS: That's the exact opposite 565 00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:47,451 of what they're meant for! 566 00:29:48,384 --> 00:29:50,182 Fuck! Fine! 567 00:29:50,184 --> 00:29:51,915 I'll start from the beginning. 568 00:29:51,917 --> 00:29:54,482 My name is Deadpool, and I'm an X-Man. 569 00:29:54,484 --> 00:29:56,418 - Trainee! - Shut it! 570 00:29:57,351 --> 00:29:59,585 Look, I get it. 571 00:30:00,718 --> 00:30:02,418 All right, you're scared. 572 00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:03,948 Alone. 573 00:30:03,950 --> 00:30:05,049 You got no family. 574 00:30:05,051 --> 00:30:06,115 I didn't have a family, either. 575 00:30:06,117 --> 00:30:07,915 You live in this dump. Guess what? 576 00:30:07,917 --> 00:30:10,416 I used to live in a shithole just like it. 577 00:30:10,418 --> 00:30:13,149 But you know something? To make matters worse... 578 00:30:13,151 --> 00:30:15,015 it's a confusing time in your life right now. 579 00:30:15,017 --> 00:30:18,749 Your body is going through some fiery changes. 580 00:30:18,751 --> 00:30:20,716 Too far? I went too far, didn't I? 581 00:30:20,718 --> 00:30:22,017 - (GRUNTS) - (ALL EXCLAIM) 582 00:30:27,884 --> 00:30:29,915 That was effervescent. 583 00:30:29,917 --> 00:30:32,349 (SIGHS) Stay in school, kid. 584 00:30:32,351 --> 00:30:34,149 Or don't. I didn't. 585 00:30:34,151 --> 00:30:36,049 - And I'm an X-Man. - (THUDS) 586 00:30:36,051 --> 00:30:37,182 Trainee. 587 00:30:37,184 --> 00:30:38,416 Fuck it! 588 00:30:38,418 --> 00:30:40,217 Superhero landing coming up! 589 00:30:42,217 --> 00:30:43,848 (GRUNTS) 590 00:30:43,850 --> 00:30:45,517 Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck! 591 00:30:45,519 --> 00:30:47,550 (GROANS) That is so not practical. 592 00:30:47,552 --> 00:30:49,151 - (GRUNTS) - (GASPS) 593 00:30:50,785 --> 00:30:52,151 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 594 00:30:57,817 --> 00:30:59,184 (GROANS) 595 00:31:02,917 --> 00:31:05,384 (CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) 596 00:31:08,117 --> 00:31:10,115 I could get used to this X-Man shit. 597 00:31:10,117 --> 00:31:11,416 NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD: Trainee! 598 00:31:11,418 --> 00:31:12,382 DEADPOOL: Trainee! 599 00:31:12,384 --> 00:31:14,316 OFFICER: Get a power restraint on him. Now! 600 00:31:14,318 --> 00:31:17,584 DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt. It's over. We got ya. 601 00:31:18,384 --> 00:31:19,517 (DEVICE WHIRRS) 602 00:31:19,519 --> 00:31:20,982 What's that do? 603 00:31:20,984 --> 00:31:22,616 Power-dampening collar. 604 00:31:22,618 --> 00:31:23,915 Shuts down all mutant abilities. 605 00:31:23,917 --> 00:31:26,550 You can't get it off. Unless you've got a grenade. 606 00:31:26,552 --> 00:31:29,848 Huh. Could've used one of those in the first act. 607 00:31:29,850 --> 00:31:31,217 HEADMASTER: Thank you! 608 00:31:32,817 --> 00:31:35,316 That was absolutely thrilling. 609 00:31:35,318 --> 00:31:37,450 True heroism in action. 610 00:31:37,452 --> 00:31:39,184 We are in your debt. 611 00:31:39,817 --> 00:31:41,616 We can take it from here. 612 00:31:41,618 --> 00:31:43,815 Take me to the Ice Box, please! 613 00:31:43,817 --> 00:31:45,082 Anywhere's better than here. 614 00:31:45,084 --> 00:31:46,249 DEADPOOL: Believe me, son, 615 00:31:46,251 --> 00:31:47,915 you do not wanna go to the Ice Box. 616 00:31:47,917 --> 00:31:49,948 Let's get you inside, young man. 617 00:31:49,950 --> 00:31:51,948 No, wait, wait. Wait. 618 00:31:51,950 --> 00:31:53,551 You guys stay there. 619 00:32:03,551 --> 00:32:05,251 Those guys hurt you? 620 00:32:06,584 --> 00:32:07,817 Who? 621 00:32:09,651 --> 00:32:12,385 Baldilocks? Jared Kushner? 622 00:32:13,751 --> 00:32:15,351 Both of 'em? 623 00:32:19,452 --> 00:32:20,716 Oh, fuck it. 624 00:32:20,718 --> 00:32:22,383 Four or five moments! 625 00:32:22,385 --> 00:32:23,450 I'm sorry? 626 00:32:23,452 --> 00:32:26,817 Four or five moments! 627 00:32:27,817 --> 00:32:30,817 That's all it takes to be a hero. 628 00:32:31,651 --> 00:32:33,915 People think you wake up a hero... 629 00:32:33,917 --> 00:32:36,082 brush your teeth a hero... 630 00:32:36,084 --> 00:32:39,249 ejaculate into a soap dispenser a hero. 631 00:32:39,251 --> 00:32:40,316 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 632 00:32:40,318 --> 00:32:44,318 But, no, being a hero takes only a few moments! 633 00:32:45,584 --> 00:32:47,215 A few moments... 634 00:32:47,217 --> 00:32:50,115 doing the ugly stuff no one else will do. 635 00:32:50,117 --> 00:32:51,184 (GROANS) 636 00:32:53,452 --> 00:32:54,551 No! 637 00:32:57,084 --> 00:32:58,582 OFFICER: Stand down! Hold your fire! 638 00:32:58,584 --> 00:33:00,815 - Wade, what did you do? - Colossus, no! 639 00:33:00,817 --> 00:33:02,249 That kid was abused! You can tell. 640 00:33:02,251 --> 00:33:03,948 - You can always tell! - COLOSSUS: We have rules! 641 00:33:03,950 --> 00:33:06,815 You are not judge, jury or executioner! 642 00:33:06,817 --> 00:33:09,815 Fuck your rules! I fight for what's right! 643 00:33:09,817 --> 00:33:11,417 And sometimes you gotta fight dirty! 644 00:33:11,419 --> 00:33:14,950 You let me down for the last time, Wade. 645 00:33:17,850 --> 00:33:20,115 OFFICER: Okay, get these guys in the pod. 646 00:33:20,117 --> 00:33:22,716 - Take them to the Ice Box. - (SIRENS WAILING) 647 00:33:22,718 --> 00:33:24,584 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 648 00:33:35,685 --> 00:33:38,616 - (PRISONERS SHOUTING) - (WHISTLING) 649 00:33:38,618 --> 00:33:40,518 (GATE BUZZING) 650 00:33:41,984 --> 00:33:43,317 - (SHOUTING CONTINUES) - (GRUNTS) 651 00:33:43,319 --> 00:33:44,319 Hey, baby! 652 00:33:45,184 --> 00:33:47,616 I wonder what gang I'll be in. 653 00:33:47,618 --> 00:33:49,015 Yeah! 654 00:33:49,017 --> 00:33:51,418 - Is there, like, a Sorting Hat? - (MOUTHS) Hi. 655 00:33:53,319 --> 00:33:54,319 Go! 656 00:33:57,484 --> 00:33:58,884 GUARD: Hard left, douchebag. 657 00:34:03,017 --> 00:34:05,250 Please, after you. 658 00:34:05,252 --> 00:34:07,649 Another disgusting mutant off the streets. 659 00:34:07,651 --> 00:34:08,783 God bless America. 660 00:34:08,785 --> 00:34:10,049 Let's get a taco. 661 00:34:10,051 --> 00:34:12,584 - (TASER CRACKLING) - (GROANING) 662 00:34:13,651 --> 00:34:16,319 Nighty-night, you annoying prick! 663 00:34:17,551 --> 00:34:19,817 (CONTINUES GROANING) 664 00:34:48,319 --> 00:34:51,582 MAN: I'mma tell you what the big lie is. 665 00:34:51,584 --> 00:34:53,250 - (ESCAPE PLAYING ON RADIO) - Toilet paper. 666 00:34:53,252 --> 00:34:56,649 Toilet paper is a plenty fine appetizer. 667 00:34:56,651 --> 00:34:58,848 But, then... 668 00:34:58,850 --> 00:35:01,416 Huggies Natural Care wet wipes. 669 00:35:01,418 --> 00:35:02,815 That's your main course. 670 00:35:02,817 --> 00:35:06,449 They're soft, they're moist. They're for babies. 671 00:35:06,451 --> 00:35:09,749 Finally, one more pass with the toilet paper, 672 00:35:09,751 --> 00:35:11,349 maybe clear out that excess moisture. 673 00:35:11,351 --> 00:35:13,049 Maybe treat yourself to a blow and go, 674 00:35:13,051 --> 00:35:14,317 if you can get you a hair dryer. 675 00:35:14,319 --> 00:35:16,984 Just about 30 seconds will do you good. 676 00:35:20,551 --> 00:35:21,551 The fuck? 677 00:35:22,751 --> 00:35:23,984 Year? 678 00:35:24,785 --> 00:35:25,984 What? 679 00:35:26,917 --> 00:35:28,749 What year is it? 680 00:35:28,751 --> 00:35:30,815 What kind of dumbass question is that to ask? 681 00:35:30,817 --> 00:35:32,817 (BOTH GROAN) 682 00:35:44,418 --> 00:35:46,318 (VOMITING) 683 00:35:50,017 --> 00:35:52,516 RUSSELL: You're a long way from your superpowers. 684 00:35:52,518 --> 00:35:53,683 WADE: Yeah. 685 00:35:53,685 --> 00:35:55,518 (GROANING) 686 00:35:57,351 --> 00:35:58,482 Fuck! 687 00:35:58,484 --> 00:36:00,250 I wanted to be a superhero. 688 00:36:00,252 --> 00:36:02,516 Always wanted a real super suit. 689 00:36:02,518 --> 00:36:04,183 (SIGHS) What happened? 690 00:36:04,185 --> 00:36:06,252 When was the last time you saw a plus-sized superhero? 691 00:36:06,817 --> 00:36:08,449 Never. 692 00:36:08,451 --> 00:36:10,848 The industry discriminates. 693 00:36:10,850 --> 00:36:12,584 Fuck superheroes. (COUGHS) 694 00:36:13,252 --> 00:36:14,449 Fuck everyone. 695 00:36:14,451 --> 00:36:17,549 The first thing I wanna do when I get out of here... 696 00:36:17,551 --> 00:36:19,616 burn the headmaster alive... 697 00:36:19,618 --> 00:36:23,116 and then take a selfie with his smoldering corpse. 698 00:36:23,118 --> 00:36:25,382 Who says prison isn't reformative? 699 00:36:25,384 --> 00:36:27,185 Fucker hates mutants. 700 00:36:27,984 --> 00:36:29,549 (WHISPERS) Blessed are the wicked 701 00:36:29,551 --> 00:36:31,817 who are healed by my hand. 702 00:36:32,252 --> 00:36:33,484 Your abilities. 703 00:36:34,884 --> 00:36:37,282 I know how seductive they are. 704 00:36:37,284 --> 00:36:39,482 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 705 00:36:39,484 --> 00:36:40,815 Now, please don't cry. 706 00:36:40,817 --> 00:36:42,251 (DEVICE BUZZING) 707 00:36:43,685 --> 00:36:45,051 - (GROANING) - (ZAPPING) 708 00:36:47,518 --> 00:36:51,418 Tomorrow, we'll find the biggest guy in here... 709 00:36:52,017 --> 00:36:53,349 and we'll make him our... 710 00:36:53,351 --> 00:36:55,251 (RUMBLING) 711 00:36:55,751 --> 00:36:57,116 (WADE COUGHS) 712 00:36:57,118 --> 00:36:58,616 - What was that? - (CLEARS THROAT) 713 00:36:58,618 --> 00:37:01,116 That is the biggest guy in here. 714 00:37:01,118 --> 00:37:03,416 Fun fact about the Ice Box... 715 00:37:03,418 --> 00:37:05,116 though no one's ever seen it, 716 00:37:05,118 --> 00:37:07,516 they keep a monster in the basement. 717 00:37:07,518 --> 00:37:09,150 Right next to a huge, 718 00:37:09,152 --> 00:37:10,984 steaming bowl of foreshadowing. 719 00:37:11,484 --> 00:37:12,484 Look. 720 00:37:13,484 --> 00:37:15,716 I can't protect you. (COUGHS) 721 00:37:15,718 --> 00:37:16,882 With this collar on, 722 00:37:16,884 --> 00:37:20,015 my superpower is just unbridled cancer. 723 00:37:20,017 --> 00:37:23,616 Give me a bow and arrow, I'm basically Hawkeye. 724 00:37:23,618 --> 00:37:25,716 Now, if you'll excuse me... (COUGHS) 725 00:37:25,718 --> 00:37:28,982 I've got tumors to grow. Vanessa awaits. 726 00:37:28,984 --> 00:37:31,282 I'll start by making us a shank. 727 00:37:31,284 --> 00:37:33,282 - Good listening. - I stole that guard's pen... 728 00:37:33,284 --> 00:37:35,549 and stashed it in the old prison wallet, 729 00:37:35,551 --> 00:37:37,582 if you know what I'm saying. 730 00:37:37,584 --> 00:37:40,083 Prison wallet? (COUGHS) 731 00:37:40,085 --> 00:37:42,518 I really hope I don't know what you're saying. 732 00:37:43,217 --> 00:37:44,749 (RUSSELL EXHALES) 733 00:37:44,751 --> 00:37:47,649 I can hear you rummaging around in there. 734 00:37:47,651 --> 00:37:49,251 (SIREN WAILING) 735 00:37:52,017 --> 00:37:53,549 REPORTER: (ON TV) And to update you 736 00:37:53,551 --> 00:37:54,948 on the story reported earlier, 737 00:37:54,950 --> 00:37:56,382 after a lengthy standoff 738 00:37:56,384 --> 00:37:59,182 outside the Essex House for Mutant Rehabilitation... 739 00:37:59,184 --> 00:38:00,683 two mutants were arrested 740 00:38:00,685 --> 00:38:02,316 and transported to the Ice Box... 741 00:38:02,318 --> 00:38:04,018 AUTOMATED VOICE: Entering repair mode. 742 00:38:08,184 --> 00:38:09,516 REPORTER: ...several police cars were destroyed 743 00:38:09,518 --> 00:38:11,917 and the X-Men were called in to restore order. 744 00:38:31,651 --> 00:38:32,848 (COUGHS) 745 00:38:32,850 --> 00:38:34,882 GUARD: (ON PA) Cells seven and nine 746 00:38:34,884 --> 00:38:38,416 now off-limits for medical personnel. 747 00:38:38,418 --> 00:38:39,848 Cells seven and nine 748 00:38:39,850 --> 00:38:42,484 now off-limits for medical personnel. 749 00:38:44,451 --> 00:38:45,950 Psst! 750 00:38:48,318 --> 00:38:50,282 Don't do that. 751 00:38:50,284 --> 00:38:53,449 What? Why are you winking at me? 752 00:38:53,451 --> 00:38:54,484 (COUGHS) 753 00:38:57,318 --> 00:38:58,616 I got your back. 754 00:38:58,618 --> 00:38:59,815 Oh, my God. 755 00:38:59,817 --> 00:39:01,316 You're sick, I gotta protect you. 756 00:39:01,318 --> 00:39:03,418 - Just leave me alone, kid. - (MAN WHISTLING) 757 00:39:04,418 --> 00:39:05,484 Oh, great. 758 00:39:05,951 --> 00:39:07,149 (WADE COUGHS) 759 00:39:07,151 --> 00:39:09,815 Well, hello there, new fish. 760 00:39:09,817 --> 00:39:12,882 It's nice to see some fresh faces around here. 761 00:39:12,884 --> 00:39:15,115 (COUGHS) I've done some light catalog work... 762 00:39:15,117 --> 00:39:17,749 but, really, modeling is just a stepping stone to acting. 763 00:39:17,751 --> 00:39:20,416 - I was talking to him. - Oh. 764 00:39:20,418 --> 00:39:23,949 Have we met? I can't place your mustache. 765 00:39:23,951 --> 00:39:26,516 - Black Tom Cassidy. - White Wade Wilson. 766 00:39:26,518 --> 00:39:30,050 What's your superpower? Cultural appropriation? 767 00:39:30,052 --> 00:39:32,783 You're supposed to be the toughest cunt in here. 768 00:39:32,785 --> 00:39:35,182 You don't look like much to me. 769 00:39:35,184 --> 00:39:37,882 First rule of the yard, fuckface... 770 00:39:37,884 --> 00:39:39,882 find the biggest guy and make him your... 771 00:39:39,884 --> 00:39:42,184 - (GROANS) - (INMATES EXCLAIM) 772 00:39:43,817 --> 00:39:46,016 Second biggest guy. 773 00:39:46,018 --> 00:39:48,316 The last thing I need is more hepatitis. 774 00:39:48,318 --> 00:39:51,882 Oh, it's slippery, too. This table needs a wipe down! 775 00:39:51,884 --> 00:39:53,882 Can we get a wipe down on the table? 776 00:39:53,884 --> 00:39:55,050 - (GROANS) - (INMATES EXCLAIM) 777 00:39:55,052 --> 00:39:57,249 Kid, I think you picked the wrong side. 778 00:39:57,251 --> 00:39:59,848 No, I didn't! He's my friend! 779 00:39:59,850 --> 00:40:02,151 - Zip it. We're not friends. - (INMATES CHEERING) 780 00:40:03,718 --> 00:40:04,985 You're about to get dick-slapped. 781 00:40:05,918 --> 00:40:08,484 - (INMATES SHOUTING) - (COUGHS) 782 00:40:09,885 --> 00:40:11,551 (SHOUTING CONTINUES) 783 00:40:17,351 --> 00:40:19,249 I had so much fun! You were like... (GRUNTS) 784 00:40:19,251 --> 00:40:21,482 And I was like, "Take a seat, shit dick." 785 00:40:21,484 --> 00:40:23,115 Just let me die in peace. 786 00:40:23,117 --> 00:40:25,349 (GRUNTS) We make a great team! 787 00:40:25,351 --> 00:40:27,983 Oh, God! We're not a team. (COUGHING) 788 00:40:27,985 --> 00:40:32,149 Why'd you say that back there? We're friends, partners. 789 00:40:32,151 --> 00:40:34,985 We're not partners or friends. 790 00:40:36,117 --> 00:40:38,316 This doesn't end with us riding into the sunset. 791 00:40:38,318 --> 00:40:40,482 It ends with me dying of cancer... 792 00:40:40,484 --> 00:40:44,516 and you winning the Ice Box award for softest mouth. 793 00:40:44,518 --> 00:40:45,849 (WADE COUGHS) 794 00:40:45,851 --> 00:40:47,616 There's only one person in this world 795 00:40:47,618 --> 00:40:49,384 that I care about, and she's gone. 796 00:40:51,017 --> 00:40:54,182 You wanna survive? 797 00:40:54,184 --> 00:40:57,549 Stop trying to shank the biggest guys in here... 798 00:40:57,551 --> 00:40:59,551 and make friends with them. 799 00:41:00,785 --> 00:41:02,451 Make friends with someone. 800 00:41:03,418 --> 00:41:05,584 Anyone but me. 801 00:41:06,451 --> 00:41:08,918 Maybe even Black Tim. 802 00:41:09,651 --> 00:41:11,149 Black Evan, I don't know. 803 00:41:11,151 --> 00:41:13,951 All I remember is he was African-American. 804 00:41:24,685 --> 00:41:26,418 (GUARDS GROANING) 805 00:41:32,918 --> 00:41:34,384 - (BREATHING HEAVILY) - (ALARM BLARING) 806 00:41:41,418 --> 00:41:43,284 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) 807 00:41:48,618 --> 00:41:50,384 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 808 00:41:51,651 --> 00:41:53,418 (GUARDS GROANING) 809 00:41:59,051 --> 00:42:01,349 AUTOMATED VOICE: (ON PA) System malfunctioning. 810 00:42:01,351 --> 00:42:04,382 Cells 7, 12, 14, 27. 811 00:42:04,384 --> 00:42:06,982 Back in your cells, you filthy mutants! Get in there! 812 00:42:06,984 --> 00:42:10,351 AUTOMATED VOICE: Cells 1, 3, 7, 8. 813 00:42:11,318 --> 00:42:13,017 - (BEEPING) - AUTOMATED VOICE: Searching. 814 00:42:14,384 --> 00:42:16,984 Cell 04 located. 815 00:42:18,251 --> 00:42:20,182 Door won't open! 816 00:42:20,184 --> 00:42:22,084 GUARD: On your fucking knees! 817 00:42:24,484 --> 00:42:26,117 (ALL GRUNTING) 818 00:42:58,786 --> 00:43:00,551 That was our cell. 819 00:43:02,451 --> 00:43:04,882 What did I do to piss off a grumpy old fucker 820 00:43:04,884 --> 00:43:06,217 with a Winter Soldier arm? 821 00:43:15,786 --> 00:43:17,384 Get away from me, kid! 822 00:43:19,251 --> 00:43:20,418 (PRISONER GROANS) 823 00:43:20,917 --> 00:43:22,184 (ALL GRUNTING) 824 00:43:24,752 --> 00:43:26,217 Listen to me! Go! 825 00:43:31,451 --> 00:43:33,051 Hello, Russell. 826 00:43:36,618 --> 00:43:37,884 (COCKS GUN) 827 00:43:41,752 --> 00:43:43,948 (GROANS) 828 00:43:43,950 --> 00:43:45,950 - (WADE GRUNTS) - (GROANS) 829 00:43:47,351 --> 00:43:49,184 (GROANING) 830 00:44:02,117 --> 00:44:03,384 (GRUNTS) 831 00:44:13,551 --> 00:44:16,051 (GUARDS GROANING) 832 00:44:34,850 --> 00:44:37,817 (GROANING) 833 00:44:41,652 --> 00:44:43,151 (ALL GRUNTING) 834 00:44:51,752 --> 00:44:53,215 (GROANS) 835 00:44:53,217 --> 00:44:54,418 (GASPS) 836 00:44:56,484 --> 00:44:57,950 Hello, superpowers. 837 00:45:02,652 --> 00:45:04,184 - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) 838 00:45:06,917 --> 00:45:08,551 (BOTH GRUNTING) 839 00:45:15,850 --> 00:45:17,051 Who are you? 840 00:45:17,785 --> 00:45:19,151 I'm Batman. 841 00:45:28,251 --> 00:45:29,284 (GASPS) 842 00:45:30,418 --> 00:45:31,418 Ooh! 843 00:45:32,251 --> 00:45:33,484 (GRUNTS) 844 00:45:36,051 --> 00:45:39,151 Oh. That's got some zip. 845 00:45:47,084 --> 00:45:50,650 Don't feel bad. Even I can't kill me. 846 00:45:50,652 --> 00:45:52,115 Talk! 847 00:45:52,117 --> 00:45:53,982 What kind of spineless shit stick 848 00:45:53,984 --> 00:45:55,817 tries to kill a 14-year-old boy? 849 00:45:56,718 --> 00:45:58,049 You might wanna start talking! 850 00:45:58,051 --> 00:46:00,917 'Cause I got a long history of firing at times like this! 851 00:46:01,984 --> 00:46:03,982 The name's Cable. 852 00:46:03,984 --> 00:46:07,449 I'm from the future. Just walk away. 853 00:46:07,451 --> 00:46:08,749 Oh! 854 00:46:08,751 --> 00:46:10,749 So, you're from the future. 855 00:46:10,751 --> 00:46:12,749 I have three questions then. 856 00:46:12,751 --> 00:46:16,249 One, is dubstep still a thing? 857 00:46:16,251 --> 00:46:19,282 Two, which Sharknado are we on? 858 00:46:19,284 --> 00:46:22,249 And three, at what point do audiences say... 859 00:46:22,251 --> 00:46:23,585 "Enough with the robotic arms"? 860 00:46:30,585 --> 00:46:32,051 (BOTH GRUNTING) 861 00:46:44,984 --> 00:46:47,051 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 862 00:46:50,751 --> 00:46:52,485 - (SHOUTING) - (CHOKING) 863 00:46:57,151 --> 00:46:58,984 (SCREAMING) 864 00:47:01,519 --> 00:47:03,284 (GROANING) 865 00:47:06,884 --> 00:47:08,948 Dubstep's for pussies. 866 00:47:08,950 --> 00:47:10,215 You're so dark! 867 00:47:10,217 --> 00:47:12,384 Are you sure you're not from the DC universe? 868 00:47:13,284 --> 00:47:14,783 I love dubstep! 869 00:47:14,785 --> 00:47:16,917 (DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING) 870 00:47:24,917 --> 00:47:26,984 - (GRUNTS) - (GROANS) 871 00:47:39,519 --> 00:47:40,783 (GROANS) 872 00:47:40,785 --> 00:47:42,215 WADE: Is that a fanny pack? 873 00:47:42,217 --> 00:47:45,882 I used to have one of those in 1990-never. 874 00:47:45,884 --> 00:47:48,015 Something to remember you by. 875 00:47:48,017 --> 00:47:51,848 Give me that back! That goes with me everywhere. 876 00:47:51,850 --> 00:47:54,351 Like the memory of your fucking fanny pack! 877 00:47:59,685 --> 00:48:01,151 (GROANING) 878 00:48:03,884 --> 00:48:06,215 Why are you protecting the kid? 879 00:48:06,217 --> 00:48:07,215 (LAUGHS) 880 00:48:07,217 --> 00:48:09,683 I don't give a fuck about him... 881 00:48:09,685 --> 00:48:12,217 and his Are You My Mother? complex! 882 00:48:14,685 --> 00:48:16,084 What's this one do? 883 00:48:16,984 --> 00:48:19,151 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 884 00:48:28,017 --> 00:48:29,815 (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) 885 00:48:29,817 --> 00:48:31,349 WADE: In every film, there's a moment 886 00:48:31,351 --> 00:48:33,882 when the hero hits rock bottom. 887 00:48:33,884 --> 00:48:35,882 In Cool Runnings, it was when John Candy's 888 00:48:35,884 --> 00:48:37,582 prized bobsled broke. 889 00:48:37,584 --> 00:48:40,848 In Human Centipede, it was when those people... 890 00:48:40,850 --> 00:48:42,649 signed on to be in that movie. 891 00:48:42,651 --> 00:48:44,683 But in this film, well... 892 00:48:44,685 --> 00:48:46,015 you're looking at it. 893 00:48:46,017 --> 00:48:48,017 GUARD: On your fucking knees, mutant. 894 00:48:48,618 --> 00:48:50,084 (GROANING) 895 00:48:50,685 --> 00:48:51,884 WADE: Rock... 896 00:48:55,718 --> 00:48:57,318 meet bottom. 897 00:49:02,184 --> 00:49:04,184 (INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING) 898 00:49:07,785 --> 00:49:09,182 VANESSA: I love you, Wade Wilson. 899 00:49:09,184 --> 00:49:10,385 Ness? 900 00:49:11,385 --> 00:49:12,950 Hey, Ness! 901 00:49:13,651 --> 00:49:15,483 Ness, can you let me in? 902 00:49:15,485 --> 00:49:17,817 Please! Please. 903 00:49:19,651 --> 00:49:20,783 Jesus. 904 00:49:20,785 --> 00:49:21,984 (SIGHS) 905 00:49:23,685 --> 00:49:25,516 You're not giving me a lot of direction here. 906 00:49:25,518 --> 00:49:27,417 I'm at the end of my rope. 907 00:49:27,419 --> 00:49:28,950 (TIMER TICKING) 908 00:49:29,751 --> 00:49:32,082 Then I joined the X-Men. 909 00:49:32,084 --> 00:49:34,151 I went to prison. I, uh... 910 00:49:38,217 --> 00:49:39,817 Is it the kid? 911 00:49:41,452 --> 00:49:44,584 Kids give us a chance to be better than we used to be. 912 00:49:45,917 --> 00:49:47,117 - The kid! - (TIMER DINGS) 913 00:49:50,518 --> 00:49:52,117 (GASPING) 914 00:49:54,618 --> 00:49:56,284 (WHEEZING) 915 00:50:00,618 --> 00:50:02,182 That's exactly what she meant. 916 00:50:02,184 --> 00:50:03,716 Your heart needs to be in the right place. 917 00:50:03,718 --> 00:50:05,516 I'm not gonna abandon this kid. 918 00:50:05,518 --> 00:50:08,317 He's never had anyone, ever. 919 00:50:08,319 --> 00:50:09,616 I need to be selfless. 920 00:50:09,618 --> 00:50:11,616 Yeah, but what does that mean? 921 00:50:11,618 --> 00:50:14,915 It means I'm gonna save Russell. 922 00:50:14,917 --> 00:50:16,383 Maybe I couldn't save Vanessa... 923 00:50:16,385 --> 00:50:19,482 but maybe I can save a robust teenager from New Zealand. 924 00:50:19,484 --> 00:50:21,683 Yeah, but what I mean is, like, the world "selfless." 925 00:50:21,685 --> 00:50:23,350 I literally don't know what that means. 926 00:50:23,352 --> 00:50:24,317 Jesus Christ. 927 00:50:24,319 --> 00:50:27,149 Okay, look. According to my guy, okay... 928 00:50:27,151 --> 00:50:29,249 those muties are being transferred 929 00:50:29,251 --> 00:50:30,915 to a supermax, 80 miles away. 930 00:50:30,917 --> 00:50:32,815 Great, I'll pick 'em off along the way. 931 00:50:32,817 --> 00:50:34,982 Hold your testicles there, buddy, okay? 932 00:50:34,984 --> 00:50:37,015 We're talking about an armored convoy... 933 00:50:37,017 --> 00:50:39,215 and a vicious super soldier from the future... 934 00:50:39,217 --> 00:50:42,082 that is looking to turn your skull into a fuckable ashtray. 935 00:50:42,084 --> 00:50:43,649 You know what we need to do? 936 00:50:43,651 --> 00:50:45,582 We need to build a fucking team. 937 00:50:45,584 --> 00:50:47,749 We need 'em tough, morally flexible... 938 00:50:47,751 --> 00:50:49,049 and young enough so they can carry 939 00:50:49,051 --> 00:50:50,516 this franchise 10 to 12 years. 940 00:50:50,518 --> 00:50:52,252 My body is an instrument of death. 941 00:50:53,418 --> 00:50:54,915 Not now, Dopinder. 942 00:50:54,917 --> 00:50:56,982 I could be of great use. 943 00:50:56,984 --> 00:50:58,850 What's your superpower? 944 00:51:00,117 --> 00:51:01,915 - Courage. - That's adorable. 945 00:51:01,917 --> 00:51:03,516 Do you have the courage to check and see... 946 00:51:03,518 --> 00:51:06,250 if there are enough sanitary napkins in the dispenser? 947 00:51:06,252 --> 00:51:07,115 Yes, sir. 948 00:51:07,117 --> 00:51:08,582 I'm sorry you had to see that, 949 00:51:08,584 --> 00:51:10,882 although I'm glad you heard it. 950 00:51:10,884 --> 00:51:12,848 All right, I'll put out a call for resumes. 951 00:51:12,850 --> 00:51:15,082 But we're not paying medical or dental. 952 00:51:15,084 --> 00:51:17,319 It's time to get back on LinkedIn. 953 00:51:27,151 --> 00:51:28,518 (EXHALES) 954 00:51:38,351 --> 00:51:40,351 (CHILD SINGING) 955 00:51:55,117 --> 00:51:58,649 GUARD: (ON PA) Transport will begin at 0800 hours... 956 00:51:58,651 --> 00:51:59,749 BLACK TOM: Oi. 957 00:51:59,751 --> 00:52:01,149 MUTANT: What the fuck do you want? 958 00:52:01,151 --> 00:52:03,115 That's my fucking pudding. 959 00:52:03,117 --> 00:52:05,015 - Fuck your pudding! - You like pudding? 960 00:52:05,017 --> 00:52:06,984 - (GRUNTS) - (PRISONERS CLAMORING) 961 00:52:07,618 --> 00:52:09,384 (ALARM BLARING) 962 00:52:26,384 --> 00:52:27,384 Hello? 963 00:52:29,618 --> 00:52:32,084 I know you're in there. 964 00:52:47,551 --> 00:52:50,152 Must be hard being the biggest guy in here. 965 00:52:51,051 --> 00:52:53,516 Lonely at the top, eh? 966 00:52:53,518 --> 00:52:55,484 They're moving us tomorrow. 967 00:52:57,850 --> 00:53:00,848 Maybe I can get you out of here. 968 00:53:00,850 --> 00:53:04,185 And we can make the whole world our bitch. 969 00:53:05,850 --> 00:53:07,850 We need a secret code. 970 00:53:09,518 --> 00:53:10,716 (IMITATES BIRD CALL) 971 00:53:10,718 --> 00:53:13,518 (SOFTLY) No, that's stupid, Russell. Idiot. 972 00:53:15,518 --> 00:53:17,516 (RHYTHMIC BANGING) 973 00:53:17,518 --> 00:53:19,551 (RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE) 974 00:53:20,584 --> 00:53:22,049 We're a team. 975 00:53:22,051 --> 00:53:24,049 We're like thugs, we're like gangsters. 976 00:53:24,051 --> 00:53:28,015 I'm like Tupac, and you're like Ice Cube. 977 00:53:28,017 --> 00:53:30,449 WEASEL: Supposedly, she can rap, too. 978 00:53:30,451 --> 00:53:31,316 DEADPOOL: I like that. 979 00:53:31,318 --> 00:53:33,183 Terrific, these are all terrific. 980 00:53:33,185 --> 00:53:34,815 Meet Bedlam. 981 00:53:34,817 --> 00:53:37,282 Cool name! Superpowers? 982 00:53:37,284 --> 00:53:38,316 I can distort 983 00:53:38,318 --> 00:53:39,848 - electrical fields. - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) 984 00:53:39,850 --> 00:53:42,049 Including the one inside your brain... 985 00:53:42,051 --> 00:53:44,749 causing anxiety, confusion... 986 00:53:44,751 --> 00:53:46,051 pain. 987 00:53:46,884 --> 00:53:49,015 So, basically, you're Dave Matthews. 988 00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:50,318 We can use him. 989 00:53:51,917 --> 00:53:53,683 I'm Zeitgeist. 990 00:53:53,685 --> 00:53:54,948 Cool. I like it. 991 00:53:54,950 --> 00:53:56,215 So you have the power 992 00:53:56,217 --> 00:53:58,850 to put your finger on the pulse of society? 993 00:53:59,685 --> 00:54:00,848 (STAMMERS) No. 994 00:54:00,850 --> 00:54:02,549 No, I spit acidic vomit. (SNIFFS) 995 00:54:02,551 --> 00:54:03,683 - Oh. - Do you want me 996 00:54:03,685 --> 00:54:05,015 - to demonstrate? - DEADPOOL: No! 997 00:54:05,017 --> 00:54:06,382 WEASEL: We'll take your word for it. 998 00:54:06,384 --> 00:54:08,118 Thank you. Yeah. Listen, we've all eaten at Arby's, okay? 999 00:54:08,785 --> 00:54:11,484 And this is the Vanisher. 1000 00:54:14,751 --> 00:54:15,950 But... 1001 00:54:16,884 --> 00:54:18,516 Vanisher! 1002 00:54:18,518 --> 00:54:20,152 (LAUGHS) 1003 00:54:20,884 --> 00:54:22,817 Nice! Right? 1004 00:54:23,850 --> 00:54:24,982 He's not here, is he? 1005 00:54:24,984 --> 00:54:26,817 He may be running late. 1006 00:54:27,984 --> 00:54:30,882 My name's Rusty, but I go by Shatterstar. 1007 00:54:30,884 --> 00:54:32,182 BOTH: That's good, yeah. 1008 00:54:32,184 --> 00:54:34,249 - "Rusty" is terrible. - Toughie. 1009 00:54:34,251 --> 00:54:37,150 - So, uh, where are you from? - The planet Mojo World. 1010 00:54:37,152 --> 00:54:39,382 - So you're an alien, I guess. - Bad name. 1011 00:54:39,384 --> 00:54:40,948 How does that, uh, help us? 1012 00:54:40,950 --> 00:54:43,915 I'm basically better than you at everything. 1013 00:54:43,917 --> 00:54:45,716 Just once, I'm gonna find a planet of people 1014 00:54:45,718 --> 00:54:47,215 that are worse than me at everything. 1015 00:54:47,217 --> 00:54:49,416 A whole bunch of functional idiots. 1016 00:54:49,418 --> 00:54:51,649 I'm gonna go there, and I'm gonna be their Superman. 1017 00:54:51,651 --> 00:54:52,716 Isn't that Canada? 1018 00:54:52,718 --> 00:54:55,251 You shut your goddamn trash mouth! 1019 00:54:56,584 --> 00:54:58,016 - WEASEL: Meet... - Domino. 1020 00:54:58,018 --> 00:55:00,249 - DEADPOOL: What's your shtick? - I'm lucky. 1021 00:55:00,251 --> 00:55:02,382 If you're so lucky, then what are you doing here with us? 1022 00:55:02,384 --> 00:55:03,582 DOMINO: I don't know yet. 1023 00:55:03,584 --> 00:55:04,716 What's that supposed to mean? 1024 00:55:04,718 --> 00:55:06,182 It means that I don't know yet. 1025 00:55:06,184 --> 00:55:07,783 But there's a reason why I'm here, 1026 00:55:07,785 --> 00:55:08,915 and I'll know when I know. 1027 00:55:08,917 --> 00:55:10,549 Everything usually works out for me. 1028 00:55:10,551 --> 00:55:12,249 Luck isn't a superpower. 1029 00:55:12,251 --> 00:55:13,783 - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. 1030 00:55:13,785 --> 00:55:15,050 - Yes, it is. - No, ma'am. 1031 00:55:15,052 --> 00:55:16,482 - DOMINO: Mmm-hmm. - Mario No-pez. 1032 00:55:16,484 --> 00:55:17,616 - Yeah. - Nacho cheese. 1033 00:55:17,618 --> 00:55:18,716 No, it definitely is. I really... 1034 00:55:18,718 --> 00:55:19,783 There's no way that it... 1035 00:55:19,785 --> 00:55:21,316 Sorry, I was interrupting you. 1036 00:55:21,318 --> 00:55:22,848 - Sorry. No, I interrupted you. - No, no, no. You can go first. 1037 00:55:22,850 --> 00:55:24,316 Oh, I was just gonna say, "No, it isn't." 1038 00:55:24,318 --> 00:55:27,083 I was gonna just bring it back to that yes, it is. 1039 00:55:27,085 --> 00:55:28,848 Let's meet in the middle and say, "No, it isn't." 1040 00:55:28,850 --> 00:55:31,983 - (CHUCKLES) But it is. - Okay. 1041 00:55:31,985 --> 00:55:33,716 - You're hired! - You're hired. 1042 00:55:33,718 --> 00:55:35,050 Oh, lucky me. 1043 00:55:35,052 --> 00:55:36,251 DEADPOOL: She's great. 1044 00:55:37,518 --> 00:55:39,083 And last, but not least... 1045 00:55:39,085 --> 00:55:40,184 Peter. 1046 00:55:41,217 --> 00:55:43,882 Am I getting catfished here or...? 1047 00:55:43,884 --> 00:55:45,716 Any powers you wanna tell us about? 1048 00:55:45,718 --> 00:55:47,549 PETER: No. 1049 00:55:47,551 --> 00:55:49,149 I don't have one. 1050 00:55:49,151 --> 00:55:52,418 Um, I just saw the ad and thought it looked fun. 1051 00:55:53,351 --> 00:55:54,516 You're in. 1052 00:55:54,518 --> 00:55:56,184 - Yeah. - Fuck! 1053 00:55:58,718 --> 00:56:00,451 It's fulfilling work. 1054 00:56:04,785 --> 00:56:06,217 GUARD: Let's go! 1055 00:56:19,418 --> 00:56:22,516 GUARD: This is Convoy 17 departing the Ice Box. 1056 00:56:22,518 --> 00:56:24,018 We are en route. 1057 00:56:31,284 --> 00:56:33,985 CABLE: Peacetime makes people soft. 1058 00:56:35,451 --> 00:56:37,284 I was born into war. 1059 00:56:38,718 --> 00:56:40,051 Bred into it. 1060 00:56:40,785 --> 00:56:41,882 Okay. 1061 00:56:41,884 --> 00:56:43,584 CABLE: People think they understand pain. 1062 00:56:44,785 --> 00:56:47,151 What's the most pain you've ever felt? 1063 00:56:49,117 --> 00:56:50,382 These restraints are pretty... 1064 00:56:50,384 --> 00:56:51,384 CABLE: I've got a list. 1065 00:56:52,718 --> 00:56:54,885 We're gonna work down it. 1066 00:56:55,451 --> 00:56:56,451 Together. 1067 00:56:57,584 --> 00:57:00,649 Number one, I'm gonna bend something. 1068 00:57:00,651 --> 00:57:02,949 Something that was not meant to bend. 1069 00:57:02,951 --> 00:57:04,049 I'm gonna stop you right there 1070 00:57:04,051 --> 00:57:05,416 because I'm not gonna make it to two. 1071 00:57:05,418 --> 00:57:06,749 I won't even make it to one. 1072 00:57:06,751 --> 00:57:08,182 I don't do well with pain, you know. 1073 00:57:08,184 --> 00:57:10,983 If I stub my toe, I'm done for the day. 1074 00:57:10,985 --> 00:57:13,582 I cried when they canceled Felicity. 1075 00:57:13,584 --> 00:57:15,082 When I get really scared, I get nervous erections. 1076 00:57:15,084 --> 00:57:16,683 I have one right now. 1077 00:57:16,685 --> 00:57:18,482 Don't look. It'll only make it worse. 1078 00:57:18,484 --> 00:57:19,382 I don't want you to hurt me, 1079 00:57:19,384 --> 00:57:21,951 and I'll tell you anything you wanna know. 1080 00:57:22,718 --> 00:57:25,015 Except for where they are. 1081 00:57:25,017 --> 00:57:26,416 Russell's in a convoy heading southbound 1082 00:57:26,418 --> 00:57:27,549 on Gerry Duggan Parkway. 1083 00:57:27,551 --> 00:57:29,282 The monster's with them. I wouldn't fuck with him. 1084 00:57:29,284 --> 00:57:30,649 DEADPOOL: You all know the plan. 1085 00:57:30,651 --> 00:57:32,282 Intercept the convoy, 1086 00:57:32,284 --> 00:57:34,582 grab the boy. But not inappropriately! 1087 00:57:34,584 --> 00:57:35,716 WEASEL: You know what, 1088 00:57:35,718 --> 00:57:36,983 I wouldn't fuck with Deadpool either. 1089 00:57:36,985 --> 00:57:39,416 Because he's built a team. He's unstoppable. 1090 00:57:39,418 --> 00:57:42,115 He has an ass pen. He'll stab you with it. 1091 00:57:42,117 --> 00:57:44,815 Watch out for this guy, Cable! 1092 00:57:44,817 --> 00:57:48,049 He's very short, 5'11". Not like in the comics. 1093 00:57:48,051 --> 00:57:51,082 And if we succeed, we all go home early. 1094 00:57:51,084 --> 00:57:53,117 WEASEL: So if you go after them, Cable, I warn you... 1095 00:57:53,984 --> 00:57:55,951 there's a wind advisory in effect. 1096 00:58:00,384 --> 00:58:02,151 (WIND HOWLING) 1097 00:58:06,885 --> 00:58:08,551 PILOT: (ON PA) A little turbulent up here. 1098 00:58:15,918 --> 00:58:17,816 I don't know much about this Cable fella... 1099 00:58:17,818 --> 00:58:19,082 but I guarantee he hasn't killed 1100 00:58:19,084 --> 00:58:21,084 as many people as melanoma has. 1101 00:58:22,384 --> 00:58:23,749 We're getting close! 1102 00:58:23,751 --> 00:58:25,516 As a former X-Man... 1103 00:58:25,518 --> 00:58:27,349 - Trainee. - Thank you, Bedlam. 1104 00:58:27,351 --> 00:58:29,816 I was always appalled by the blatant sexism 1105 00:58:29,818 --> 00:58:31,516 in the group's name. 1106 00:58:31,518 --> 00:58:33,382 X-Men! Men! 1107 00:58:33,384 --> 00:58:36,616 The point is, our group will be forward thinking. 1108 00:58:36,618 --> 00:58:37,982 Gender neutral. 1109 00:58:37,984 --> 00:58:40,318 From now on, we'll be known as... 1110 00:58:42,551 --> 00:58:43,982 X-Force. 1111 00:58:43,984 --> 00:58:45,716 Isn't that a little derivative? 1112 00:58:45,718 --> 00:58:48,251 I don't recall asking your opinion, Peter! 1113 00:58:49,418 --> 00:58:50,984 That wasn't me. 1114 00:58:57,818 --> 00:59:00,182 Hang the laundry out at 1,300 feet... 1115 00:59:00,184 --> 00:59:02,015 intercept the convoy, and grab the boy. 1116 00:59:02,017 --> 00:59:03,182 Let's bring on the carnage, baby! 1117 00:59:03,184 --> 00:59:05,182 Get me on the ground, watch me go! 1118 00:59:05,184 --> 00:59:06,249 ALL: Yeah! 1119 00:59:06,251 --> 00:59:08,182 - (ALL WHOOPING) - I can't wait to kill! 1120 00:59:08,184 --> 00:59:10,816 Hey! Hey! Hey! 1121 00:59:10,818 --> 00:59:13,582 I just wanna say how proud I am of this team. 1122 00:59:13,584 --> 00:59:16,316 You know, you guys look amazing! 1123 00:59:16,318 --> 00:59:19,449 Vanisher, I have no doubt you look amazing too. 1124 00:59:19,451 --> 00:59:20,349 This is the family 1125 00:59:20,351 --> 00:59:22,117 that I've always dreamed of having and I... 1126 00:59:23,151 --> 00:59:24,249 Ah, shit. 1127 00:59:24,251 --> 00:59:25,683 (SNIFFLES) 1128 00:59:25,685 --> 00:59:27,249 I just get a little choked up sometimes. 1129 00:59:27,251 --> 00:59:29,349 I hate to interrupt, but is anybody nervous 1130 00:59:29,351 --> 00:59:30,683 about the high winds? 1131 00:59:30,685 --> 00:59:32,049 - Gary. - My name's Peter. 1132 00:59:32,051 --> 00:59:33,948 I realize that you're new to this, but relax. 1133 00:59:33,950 --> 00:59:35,516 You've been chosen by a higher power. 1134 00:59:35,518 --> 00:59:37,982 - Did he just call himself God? - I think he did. 1135 00:59:37,984 --> 00:59:39,750 - I'd like to go home. - And I'd like... 1136 00:59:39,752 --> 00:59:42,115 the McRib to be available year round, 1137 00:59:42,117 --> 00:59:44,082 but sometimes dreams don't come true. 1138 00:59:44,084 --> 00:59:46,182 I spent 10 years in Special Forces. 1139 00:59:46,184 --> 00:59:47,516 You think we didn't jump out of the plane 1140 00:59:47,518 --> 00:59:48,948 because of a light breeze? 1141 00:59:48,950 --> 00:59:51,582 You're in this shit now, Mustache! 1142 00:59:51,584 --> 00:59:53,784 (WHISPERS) I'm only yelling to impress the other guys. 1143 00:59:53,786 --> 00:59:56,316 I'd never let anything happen to you, Sugarbear. 1144 00:59:56,318 --> 00:59:58,482 Leonard, hit it! 1145 00:59:58,484 --> 01:00:00,384 - (ALARM BLARING) - (THUNDERSTRUCK PLAYING) 1146 01:00:07,184 --> 01:00:09,217 Go! Go! Go! 1147 01:00:12,017 --> 01:00:13,818 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 1148 01:00:44,719 --> 01:00:46,282 Let's get some! 1149 01:00:46,284 --> 01:00:47,449 Whoo! 1150 01:00:47,451 --> 01:00:48,684 Oh, yeah! 1151 01:00:48,686 --> 01:00:51,551 Convoy, 12 o'clock! On my command! 1152 01:00:52,518 --> 01:00:54,182 Deploy! Oh, hey now! 1153 01:00:54,184 --> 01:00:55,318 Whoa! 1154 01:01:00,518 --> 01:01:02,451 Little off course here. 1155 01:01:03,518 --> 01:01:04,684 (GROANS) 1156 01:01:04,686 --> 01:01:07,184 Holy mommy fucking shit! 1157 01:01:08,351 --> 01:01:09,482 Ah, there they are. 1158 01:01:09,484 --> 01:01:13,149 Look at these gorgeous sons of bitches. (BLOWS KISS) 1159 01:01:13,151 --> 01:01:15,284 Oh, yeah! That's right, Bedlam! 1160 01:01:16,785 --> 01:01:18,449 - (BEDLAM GRUNTS) - (ALL GASP) 1161 01:01:18,451 --> 01:01:20,149 (GASPING DRAMATICALLY) 1162 01:01:20,151 --> 01:01:24,617 No! Tripping motherfucking billies! 1163 01:01:24,619 --> 01:01:27,484 Shatterstar. Okay, you got this. 1164 01:01:28,418 --> 01:01:29,516 Left! 1165 01:01:29,518 --> 01:01:30,848 Left! 1166 01:01:30,850 --> 01:01:33,217 No, stage left, you idiot! 1167 01:01:33,752 --> 01:01:35,418 (GASPS) 1168 01:01:36,917 --> 01:01:38,582 Well, I guess we found something 1169 01:01:38,584 --> 01:01:39,850 you're not better at. 1170 01:01:41,686 --> 01:01:43,115 Vanisher. 1171 01:01:43,117 --> 01:01:45,117 Maybe the wind can't blow what it can't see. 1172 01:01:46,551 --> 01:01:48,215 (GRUNTING) 1173 01:01:48,217 --> 01:01:49,416 Oh! Really? 1174 01:01:49,418 --> 01:01:51,915 All right, we could do this with four. 1175 01:01:51,917 --> 01:01:54,948 Sugarbear. You got this, buddy! 1176 01:01:54,950 --> 01:01:57,251 That's the stuff! That's the X-Force spirit! 1177 01:01:58,217 --> 01:02:00,583 Never underestimate a man with a mustache! 1178 01:02:00,585 --> 01:02:02,316 Just ask anyone in Brooklyn. 1179 01:02:02,318 --> 01:02:03,482 (WHOOPS) We did it! 1180 01:02:03,484 --> 01:02:05,215 You're a goddamn superhero, you! 1181 01:02:05,217 --> 01:02:06,251 X-Force! 1182 01:02:06,719 --> 01:02:07,917 X-Force. 1183 01:02:10,151 --> 01:02:11,015 (SCREAMING) 1184 01:02:11,017 --> 01:02:12,282 (WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING) 1185 01:02:12,284 --> 01:02:14,184 - (GASPS) - Oh! 1186 01:02:15,184 --> 01:02:16,284 (EXHALES) 1187 01:02:17,718 --> 01:02:18,848 Peter. 1188 01:02:18,850 --> 01:02:20,115 PETER: I got you, buddy! 1189 01:02:20,117 --> 01:02:21,249 - You're gonna be fine! - This is not good, man! 1190 01:02:21,251 --> 01:02:23,716 You got this, big guy! Here we go, Peter! 1191 01:02:23,718 --> 01:02:25,182 Look at me. We're X-Force, right? 1192 01:02:25,184 --> 01:02:27,484 - Yeah, we're X-Force. - We're X-Force. 1193 01:02:31,451 --> 01:02:33,316 Oh, my God! What the fuck? 1194 01:02:33,318 --> 01:02:34,882 - Fucking acidic vomit! - (SCREAMS) 1195 01:02:34,884 --> 01:02:37,015 (WHIRRING) 1196 01:02:37,017 --> 01:02:39,815 Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up in my mask. 1197 01:02:39,817 --> 01:02:41,217 (EXHALES) 1198 01:02:42,884 --> 01:02:45,215 DOMINO: Okay, I'm over the convoy. 1199 01:02:45,217 --> 01:02:47,284 Where did the rest of the team land? 1200 01:02:47,950 --> 01:02:49,716 Good news and bad news. 1201 01:02:49,718 --> 01:02:52,915 Bad news is the whole team is dead. 1202 01:02:52,917 --> 01:02:54,149 The good news is, 1203 01:02:54,151 --> 01:02:56,082 I don't think anyone's gonna miss Shatterstar. 1204 01:02:56,084 --> 01:02:59,482 He was a bit of a prick. Oh, but Paul! 1205 01:02:59,484 --> 01:03:00,550 DOMINO: Peter! 1206 01:03:00,552 --> 01:03:01,948 Peter, I'm gonna miss him most. 1207 01:03:01,950 --> 01:03:03,082 But there is a slight chance 1208 01:03:03,084 --> 01:03:04,517 Vanisher could make it. 1209 01:03:04,519 --> 01:03:07,349 - (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) -Nope, no chance. He's dead. 1210 01:03:07,351 --> 01:03:08,316 DOMINO: The whole team? 1211 01:03:08,318 --> 01:03:10,550 Only the main ones. We're still good. 1212 01:03:10,552 --> 01:03:11,848 Fuck, you are dumb. 1213 01:03:11,850 --> 01:03:14,249 Even after all this time, I still can't talk about it. 1214 01:03:14,251 --> 01:03:16,382 Who knew these winds would be so strong? 1215 01:03:16,384 --> 01:03:19,082 Everyone! Everyone on the helicopter! 1216 01:03:19,084 --> 01:03:20,884 And everyone not on the helicopter! 1217 01:03:29,950 --> 01:03:32,051 They're headed into the tunnel. 1218 01:03:32,850 --> 01:03:34,249 I'm that kid's only hope, 1219 01:03:34,251 --> 01:03:36,351 so sit tight and wait for my word. 1220 01:03:36,950 --> 01:03:38,049 DOMINO: Whatever. 1221 01:03:38,051 --> 01:03:39,349 We're gonna lose 'em. I'm dropping in. 1222 01:03:39,351 --> 01:03:42,182 DEADPOOL: Uh, that's a negative, sole survivor. 1223 01:03:42,184 --> 01:03:44,848 Luck is not a superpower! We are so fucked! 1224 01:03:44,850 --> 01:03:47,948 No, we most certainly are not fucked. 1225 01:03:47,950 --> 01:03:49,451 - (CARS HORNS HONKING) - (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1226 01:03:50,984 --> 01:03:53,550 DEADPOOL: Seriously, I don't get it! 1227 01:03:53,552 --> 01:03:56,318 What, you shoot luck lasers out of your eyes? 1228 01:03:58,251 --> 01:04:00,149 It's just it's hard to picture. 1229 01:04:00,151 --> 01:04:02,452 And certainly not very cinematic. 1230 01:04:04,984 --> 01:04:06,716 I mean, luck? 1231 01:04:06,718 --> 01:04:09,182 What coked out, glass pipe-sucking 1232 01:04:09,184 --> 01:04:10,716 freakshow comic book artist... 1233 01:04:10,718 --> 01:04:12,316 came up with that little chestnut? 1234 01:04:12,318 --> 01:04:14,884 Probably a guy who can't draw feet! 1235 01:04:25,519 --> 01:04:28,982 Once again, it all falls on my shoulders. 1236 01:04:28,984 --> 01:04:30,182 It's why I'm cursed to be a solo act. 1237 01:04:30,184 --> 01:04:31,450 - Wander the Earth... - I'm in. 1238 01:04:31,452 --> 01:04:33,149 I'm sorry, what did you say? 1239 01:04:33,151 --> 01:04:34,015 I'm in. 1240 01:04:34,017 --> 01:04:36,117 How in the fuck are you in already? 1241 01:04:36,485 --> 01:04:38,349 Oh, shit. 1242 01:04:38,351 --> 01:04:39,582 It's Cable. 12 o'clock. 1243 01:04:39,584 --> 01:04:40,683 DEADPOOL: Okay. 1244 01:04:40,685 --> 01:04:43,082 New plan. Use all of your imaginary powers 1245 01:04:43,084 --> 01:04:45,915 to stop Cable from killing that kid. 1246 01:04:45,917 --> 01:04:47,817 I'm coming up on your six. 1247 01:04:55,850 --> 01:04:57,882 That gun is amazing! 1248 01:04:57,884 --> 01:05:00,151 - (GRUNTS) - (TIRES SCREECHING) 1249 01:05:06,917 --> 01:05:08,982 MAN: Hey! Asshole! 1250 01:05:08,984 --> 01:05:10,716 DOMINO: Where is he? I can't see him. 1251 01:05:10,718 --> 01:05:12,318 DEADPOOL: He's on top of you. 1252 01:05:14,284 --> 01:05:16,450 He's going in through the back! 1253 01:05:16,452 --> 01:05:17,649 Oh, God, he's inside! 1254 01:05:17,651 --> 01:05:18,915 You hear yourself, right? 1255 01:05:18,917 --> 01:05:20,549 DEADPOOL: Accidental double entendres! 1256 01:05:20,551 --> 01:05:22,882 Russell! Russell Collins! 1257 01:05:22,884 --> 01:05:25,017 DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid, John Connor! 1258 01:05:30,318 --> 01:05:31,518 No, no, no! 1259 01:05:35,284 --> 01:05:36,385 Shit! 1260 01:05:36,950 --> 01:05:38,151 (PRISONER SCREAMING) 1261 01:05:40,084 --> 01:05:41,084 (GRUNTS) 1262 01:05:48,718 --> 01:05:49,917 (BEEPING RAPIDLY) 1263 01:05:58,084 --> 01:06:00,217 DEADPOOL: Two can play that game! 1264 01:06:02,318 --> 01:06:04,184 Got it! No, I don't. 1265 01:06:04,984 --> 01:06:06,049 Showtime, mama! 1266 01:06:06,051 --> 01:06:07,950 Lady Luck, take the wheel. 1267 01:06:16,184 --> 01:06:17,284 (GUN CLICKS) 1268 01:06:23,751 --> 01:06:24,950 (GROANS) 1269 01:06:41,284 --> 01:06:42,284 (HORNS HONKING) 1270 01:06:42,950 --> 01:06:44,151 (DOMINO GRUNTING) 1271 01:06:45,284 --> 01:06:47,417 I'd ask who you are, but you'll be dead in a second. 1272 01:06:47,419 --> 01:06:49,516 I'm Domino, and doubtful. 1273 01:06:49,518 --> 01:06:51,084 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1274 01:07:05,917 --> 01:07:07,117 Hang in there, Doms! 1275 01:07:08,385 --> 01:07:09,948 Oh, this is really hard. 1276 01:07:09,950 --> 01:07:11,285 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1277 01:07:21,184 --> 01:07:22,049 (GUNSHOT) 1278 01:07:22,051 --> 01:07:23,584 And give me back my Skee-Ball token. 1279 01:07:27,017 --> 01:07:28,850 - You're doing great. - X-Force. 1280 01:07:30,618 --> 01:07:32,683 I guess dubstep never dies. 1281 01:07:32,685 --> 01:07:34,352 (BANGARANG PLAYING) 1282 01:07:37,051 --> 01:07:38,084 Whoo! 1283 01:07:39,252 --> 01:07:40,385 (LAUGHING) 1284 01:07:42,285 --> 01:07:43,716 (BLACK TOM GROANS) 1285 01:07:43,718 --> 01:07:44,982 (DEADPOOL GASPS) 1286 01:07:44,984 --> 01:07:47,817 You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch! 1287 01:07:48,618 --> 01:07:49,850 (GROWLS) 1288 01:07:50,418 --> 01:07:51,518 That's unfortunate. 1289 01:07:54,785 --> 01:07:56,115 We got no brakes! 1290 01:07:56,117 --> 01:07:57,518 (STRAINING) Figure it out! 1291 01:07:58,418 --> 01:07:59,850 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1292 01:08:01,817 --> 01:08:03,451 There's nothing I can't kill. 1293 01:08:05,685 --> 01:08:06,948 Ooh. 1294 01:08:06,950 --> 01:08:10,384 Somebody knows karate. 1295 01:08:12,785 --> 01:08:14,451 Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy. 1296 01:08:26,817 --> 01:08:28,484 (PANTING) 1297 01:08:29,685 --> 01:08:30,884 Ow. 1298 01:08:31,718 --> 01:08:32,917 Here we go. 1299 01:08:33,751 --> 01:08:36,049 Domino, mind slowing us down? 1300 01:08:36,051 --> 01:08:38,349 (SIGHS) Here goes nothing. 1301 01:08:38,351 --> 01:08:39,551 (HORN HONKING) 1302 01:08:41,451 --> 01:08:43,017 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1303 01:08:46,285 --> 01:08:47,884 (HONKING) 1304 01:09:09,017 --> 01:09:11,185 MAN: Knock, knock. 1305 01:09:17,584 --> 01:09:18,683 That's my boy. 1306 01:09:18,685 --> 01:09:20,084 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1307 01:09:25,117 --> 01:09:26,316 Holy... 1308 01:09:26,318 --> 01:09:27,318 (GRUNTS) 1309 01:09:30,984 --> 01:09:32,451 (ONLY TIME PLAYING) 1310 01:09:34,817 --> 01:09:36,382 (YELLING) 1311 01:09:36,384 --> 01:09:38,116 DEADPOOL: I'll be first to admit... 1312 01:09:38,118 --> 01:09:40,518 this did not go according to plan. 1313 01:09:41,884 --> 01:09:43,382 I'll also be the first to admit that 1314 01:09:43,384 --> 01:09:45,316 that plan was written in crayon. 1315 01:09:45,318 --> 01:09:48,449 Looks like Russell found a new friend. Jelly. 1316 01:09:48,451 --> 01:09:50,250 Turns out Domino's a bit of a badass, 1317 01:09:50,252 --> 01:09:53,382 and maybe, possibly mildly lucky. 1318 01:09:53,384 --> 01:09:56,783 But Cable? Ugh. That guy's in a mood. 1319 01:09:56,785 --> 01:09:57,848 (CHUCKLES) A mood that is 1320 01:09:57,850 --> 01:09:59,884 about to get significantly worse. 1321 01:10:01,384 --> 01:10:02,418 (SQUEAKS) 1322 01:10:06,152 --> 01:10:07,251 (SIGHS) 1323 01:10:19,651 --> 01:10:21,418 (GROANS) 1324 01:10:23,284 --> 01:10:25,817 Something is so terribly, terribly wrong. 1325 01:10:28,785 --> 01:10:30,351 - Oh. - (NECK SNAPS) 1326 01:10:30,718 --> 01:10:31,982 (GROANS) 1327 01:10:31,984 --> 01:10:33,584 Oh, God, that hurt. 1328 01:10:35,884 --> 01:10:37,351 (GROANING) 1329 01:10:38,850 --> 01:10:40,118 Russell. 1330 01:10:42,685 --> 01:10:43,950 Russell! 1331 01:10:44,451 --> 01:10:46,518 Russ, where are ya? 1332 01:10:50,017 --> 01:10:52,215 Russell. Russell, you're okay! 1333 01:10:52,217 --> 01:10:55,783 Oh, thank God. Oh, my God! 1334 01:10:55,785 --> 01:10:57,215 Juggernaut! 1335 01:10:57,217 --> 01:10:58,349 (GASPS) 1336 01:10:58,351 --> 01:11:00,215 I thought that was you! 1337 01:11:00,217 --> 01:11:03,116 I should've worn my white pants. 1338 01:11:03,118 --> 01:11:06,982 You probably get this a lot, but I am a huge fan. 1339 01:11:06,984 --> 01:11:10,482 Uncanny X-Men 183. Thor 411. 1340 01:11:10,484 --> 01:11:11,749 X-Men Unlimited 12. 1341 01:11:11,751 --> 01:11:13,915 You know, it has always been a dream of mine... 1342 01:11:13,917 --> 01:11:15,848 to see my face reflected in your helmet... 1343 01:11:15,850 --> 01:11:17,948 as you charge at me with murderous intent. 1344 01:11:17,950 --> 01:11:19,815 I don't mean right now. 1345 01:11:19,817 --> 01:11:21,882 I'm gonna rip you in half now. 1346 01:11:21,884 --> 01:11:24,683 (LAUGHS) That is such a Juggernaut thing to say. 1347 01:11:24,685 --> 01:11:26,917 (DEADPOOL SCREAMING) 1348 01:11:28,118 --> 01:11:32,382 Oh, my God! I can't feel my legs. 1349 01:11:32,384 --> 01:11:33,817 I can't feel... 1350 01:11:34,618 --> 01:11:36,683 Oh, no, they're right here. 1351 01:11:36,685 --> 01:11:38,549 Got 'em. God, Russell. 1352 01:11:38,551 --> 01:11:40,418 I have a mission. 1353 01:11:41,018 --> 01:11:42,815 To get my revenge. 1354 01:11:42,817 --> 01:11:45,083 I'm going to burn that headmaster alive. 1355 01:11:45,085 --> 01:11:47,416 You're not the revenge type. 1356 01:11:47,418 --> 01:11:48,948 Take it from a friend. 1357 01:11:48,950 --> 01:11:52,848 Friend? You were sick, and I protected you. 1358 01:11:52,850 --> 01:11:55,016 You said it yourself. 1359 01:11:55,018 --> 01:11:57,815 "I'm not your friend. Find someone stronger." 1360 01:11:57,817 --> 01:11:59,382 So I did. 1361 01:11:59,384 --> 01:12:00,716 (GRUNTS) 1362 01:12:00,718 --> 01:12:02,882 Russell, I couldn't protect you back then. 1363 01:12:02,884 --> 01:12:06,915 But I can now. What do you want me to say, huh? 1364 01:12:06,917 --> 01:12:08,848 "I care about you"? 'Cause goddamn it, 1365 01:12:08,850 --> 01:12:11,215 I care about you, Russell. 1366 01:12:11,217 --> 01:12:13,349 What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? 1367 01:12:13,351 --> 01:12:17,115 Don't you say legs! I know you're gonna say legs! 1368 01:12:17,117 --> 01:12:20,151 - Legs! - Still hurts to hear out loud! 1369 01:12:22,085 --> 01:12:25,083 What is that? That's not a real rope! 1370 01:12:25,085 --> 01:12:27,484 - You get back here, young man! - (SIRENS WAILING) 1371 01:12:28,518 --> 01:12:29,915 Doms! 1372 01:12:29,917 --> 01:12:32,115 Doms, get me out of here, please. 1373 01:12:32,117 --> 01:12:35,251 Use my arms as backpack straps. 1374 01:12:37,418 --> 01:12:38,349 I think we may have found 1375 01:12:38,351 --> 01:12:40,716 your cosmic reason for being here. 1376 01:12:40,718 --> 01:12:42,616 I'm pretty sure this isn't it. 1377 01:12:42,618 --> 01:12:44,018 DEADPOOL: X-Force. 1378 01:12:57,151 --> 01:12:59,016 BLIND AL: No child is hopeless. 1379 01:12:59,018 --> 01:13:00,416 Don't give up on the boy. 1380 01:13:00,418 --> 01:13:02,683 How could he just walk away? 1381 01:13:02,685 --> 01:13:05,482 It was the coldness in his eyes. 1382 01:13:05,484 --> 01:13:07,151 You should've heard it. 1383 01:13:07,785 --> 01:13:08,882 (WADE SIGHS) 1384 01:13:08,884 --> 01:13:11,284 I guess family really is an F-word. 1385 01:13:12,018 --> 01:13:14,215 (GROANS) Rub my legs, Mama. 1386 01:13:14,217 --> 01:13:15,783 Why would I rub your legs? 1387 01:13:15,785 --> 01:13:18,749 Please, they hurt. I have growing pains. 1388 01:13:18,751 --> 01:13:20,217 (BLIND AL SIGHS) 1389 01:13:21,817 --> 01:13:23,582 What in the... 1390 01:13:23,584 --> 01:13:26,382 Why is your hand so tiny again? 1391 01:13:26,384 --> 01:13:28,082 That's not my hand. 1392 01:13:28,084 --> 01:13:30,416 Oh! Mary, mother of Joseph! 1393 01:13:30,418 --> 01:13:32,382 - That was nice for me. - (DOOR OPENS) 1394 01:13:32,384 --> 01:13:35,449 Wade! I heard what happened with the convoy and... 1395 01:13:35,451 --> 01:13:36,484 (GASPS) 1396 01:13:38,184 --> 01:13:39,783 (WEASEL RETCHES) 1397 01:13:39,785 --> 01:13:42,049 Why wouldn't you cover that up? 1398 01:13:42,051 --> 01:13:44,249 A warrior has nothing to be ashamed of. 1399 01:13:44,251 --> 01:13:46,249 WEASEL: Yeah, but you do. Look at you. 1400 01:13:46,251 --> 01:13:48,516 You're just straight shirt-cocking it, 1401 01:13:48,518 --> 01:13:49,949 toddler-style. 1402 01:13:49,951 --> 01:13:51,883 Oh, yeah. Full Winnie the Pooh. 1403 01:13:51,885 --> 01:13:53,916 The hell's happening? Describe it. 1404 01:13:53,918 --> 01:13:55,215 I wouldn't ask him to do that, if I were you. 1405 01:13:55,217 --> 01:13:56,883 - WEASEL: It's like, um... - Here we go. 1406 01:13:56,885 --> 01:13:58,115 It's like he was giving birth anally, 1407 01:13:58,117 --> 01:13:59,783 but they quit halfway through. 1408 01:13:59,785 --> 01:14:00,916 They got the legs out, and they said, 1409 01:14:00,918 --> 01:14:02,282 "You know what, I'm done." 1410 01:14:02,284 --> 01:14:03,282 Happy? 1411 01:14:03,284 --> 01:14:04,549 It's like he's a Muppet from the waist down. 1412 01:14:04,551 --> 01:14:05,883 But this time, you can see 1413 01:14:05,885 --> 01:14:07,282 - the Muppet's dick. - (DOOR OPENS) 1414 01:14:07,284 --> 01:14:08,683 Grover's got a cock the size of a twig. 1415 01:14:08,685 --> 01:14:10,015 DOPINDER: Mr. Weasel, I can no longer be double-parked. 1416 01:14:10,017 --> 01:14:11,951 I've had three tickets already. (SCREAMS) 1417 01:14:13,184 --> 01:14:16,015 No, no, no, DP, not again! 1418 01:14:16,017 --> 01:14:18,549 - This has happened before? - (DOPINDER RETCHING) 1419 01:14:18,551 --> 01:14:20,149 - (DOOR OPENS) -Jesus! Either vomit or don't. 1420 01:14:20,151 --> 01:14:21,649 The indecision is killing me. 1421 01:14:21,651 --> 01:14:23,551 Why couldn't God take my hearing? 1422 01:14:25,217 --> 01:14:27,215 Oh. Wow! 1423 01:14:27,217 --> 01:14:28,982 Cool your pits. They're growing back. 1424 01:14:28,984 --> 01:14:30,982 I'm talking about your face. 1425 01:14:30,984 --> 01:14:32,916 I've never seen you without your mask before. 1426 01:14:32,918 --> 01:14:35,115 - Jesus Christ! - Looks like an avocado. 1427 01:14:35,117 --> 01:14:37,082 DOMINO: Your legs, though, they're cute. 1428 01:14:37,084 --> 01:14:39,117 You wanna borrow a pair of pants? 1429 01:14:40,584 --> 01:14:42,082 I'm glad everybody dropped by. 1430 01:14:42,084 --> 01:14:44,982 You must be wondering why I didn't call you here. 1431 01:14:44,984 --> 01:14:46,716 I'll tell you why I'm here. 1432 01:14:46,718 --> 01:14:49,082 "The Time Traveler's Wife's" husband... 1433 01:14:49,084 --> 01:14:50,416 beat me within an inch of my life. 1434 01:14:50,418 --> 01:14:51,549 He was torturing me! 1435 01:14:51,551 --> 01:14:54,683 But all I told him was everything he wanted to know. 1436 01:14:54,685 --> 01:14:57,249 So, I'm here to help us gear up. 1437 01:14:57,251 --> 01:14:58,582 So we can go after him without me. 1438 01:14:58,584 --> 01:14:59,916 WADE: No! 1439 01:14:59,918 --> 01:15:01,516 I'm doing this alone. 1440 01:15:01,518 --> 01:15:02,582 The Juggernaut 1441 01:15:02,584 --> 01:15:03,916 - will kill you all. - Fair enough. 1442 01:15:03,918 --> 01:15:05,883 WADE: I just need a couple of hours to get some legs 1443 01:15:05,885 --> 01:15:07,015 - under me. - What will you do? 1444 01:15:07,017 --> 01:15:08,582 WADE: I don't care what the kid did to me. 1445 01:15:08,584 --> 01:15:09,816 I ain't letting Cable get to him, 1446 01:15:09,818 --> 01:15:11,182 even if I have to teabag him to death. 1447 01:15:11,184 --> 01:15:13,182 It's really just a sip of tea at this point. 1448 01:15:13,184 --> 01:15:15,015 Zip it, black Black Widow! I'm flowing. 1449 01:15:15,017 --> 01:15:16,082 The first order of business is 1450 01:15:16,084 --> 01:15:17,382 to get me in front of Cable... 1451 01:15:17,384 --> 01:15:19,049 so I can pull all the fucking blood out of his body... 1452 01:15:19,051 --> 01:15:21,516 and fashion his bones into holiday jewelry. 1453 01:15:21,518 --> 01:15:23,182 Then, I'm gonna take his skin... 1454 01:15:23,184 --> 01:15:26,451 and stretch it out over a homemade mating drum. 1455 01:15:27,918 --> 01:15:29,584 He's standing right behind you, isn't he? 1456 01:15:32,917 --> 01:15:34,117 (COCKS GUN) 1457 01:15:38,318 --> 01:15:40,149 What in the ass? 1458 01:15:40,151 --> 01:15:43,449 Is this apartment listed on Tinder? Grindr? 1459 01:15:43,451 --> 01:15:45,851 You picked the wrong shithole to fuck, future boy. 1460 01:15:46,718 --> 01:15:49,351 Ugh. Is that really necessary? 1461 01:15:51,551 --> 01:15:54,449 No. It's his "Basic Instinct." 1462 01:15:54,451 --> 01:15:56,015 What can we help you with? 1463 01:15:56,017 --> 01:15:57,917 I'm here to proposition you. 1464 01:15:59,318 --> 01:16:00,249 (LAUGHS) Oh, boy! 1465 01:16:00,251 --> 01:16:01,582 He's really teeing it up, isn't he? 1466 01:16:01,584 --> 01:16:03,482 Who gets to make the first joke? 1467 01:16:03,484 --> 01:16:05,149 I think we should all do it at the same time. 1468 01:16:05,151 --> 01:16:06,049 Good call. 1469 01:16:06,051 --> 01:16:07,516 For $45, you get sucky-suck. 1470 01:16:07,518 --> 01:16:09,115 BOTH: I only do over the pants, mouth stuff. 1471 01:16:09,117 --> 01:16:10,049 Fuck! 1472 01:16:10,051 --> 01:16:11,349 The Proposition has a wonderful 1473 01:16:11,351 --> 01:16:12,382 Guy Pearce performance. 1474 01:16:12,384 --> 01:16:14,282 WADE: Wait, wait, wait! I wanna do mine over. 1475 01:16:14,284 --> 01:16:16,982 - Give us the line again. - I need your help! 1476 01:16:16,984 --> 01:16:19,282 Trust me, I'm even less happy about this than you are... 1477 01:16:19,284 --> 01:16:22,616 but you unleashed the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt! 1478 01:16:22,618 --> 01:16:24,948 I can't bring him down alone. 1479 01:16:24,950 --> 01:16:26,584 So here we are. 1480 01:16:27,851 --> 01:16:29,717 We're no longer accepting applications 1481 01:16:29,719 --> 01:16:31,282 for X-Force, unfortunately. 1482 01:16:31,284 --> 01:16:32,482 Even if we were... 1483 01:16:32,484 --> 01:16:34,249 there's a wind advisory in effect until at least... 1484 01:16:34,251 --> 01:16:35,449 We don't have a lot of time. 1485 01:16:35,451 --> 01:16:37,416 Your friend's about to make his first kill. 1486 01:16:37,418 --> 01:16:38,982 No offense, but if you know so much... 1487 01:16:38,984 --> 01:16:41,915 why not travel back to when he was a baby, kill him then? 1488 01:16:41,917 --> 01:16:42,982 Or better yet, head back a little further, 1489 01:16:42,984 --> 01:16:44,049 kill baby Hitler. 1490 01:16:44,051 --> 01:16:46,082 I use a device to slide through time. 1491 01:16:46,084 --> 01:16:48,848 The longer I travel, the harder it is to control. 1492 01:16:48,850 --> 01:16:51,582 I got two charges: one to get me here, 1493 01:16:51,584 --> 01:16:52,750 one to get me home. 1494 01:16:52,752 --> 01:16:53,915 Well. 1495 01:16:53,917 --> 01:16:55,882 That's just lazy writing. 1496 01:16:55,884 --> 01:16:57,115 Your boy's gonna kill the headmaster 1497 01:16:57,117 --> 01:16:58,816 of the orphanage tonight. 1498 01:16:58,818 --> 01:17:00,948 After that, he gets a real taste for it. 1499 01:17:00,950 --> 01:17:03,784 Like 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker! 1500 01:17:03,786 --> 01:17:05,750 So he keeps killing... 1501 01:17:05,752 --> 01:17:07,182 and killing, and killing, 1502 01:17:07,184 --> 01:17:08,616 - and killing. - (GUNS COCKING) 1503 01:17:08,618 --> 01:17:12,184 Until one day, he kills the wrong fucking people. 1504 01:17:14,651 --> 01:17:16,151 My people. 1505 01:17:20,051 --> 01:17:21,049 Relax. 1506 01:17:21,051 --> 01:17:23,650 I'm retrieving something from my utility bag. 1507 01:17:23,652 --> 01:17:26,149 It's a goddamn fanny pack... 1508 01:17:26,151 --> 01:17:28,848 and you know it, you sick son of a bitch! 1509 01:17:28,850 --> 01:17:30,584 The difference is night and day. 1510 01:17:32,451 --> 01:17:34,684 You remind me of my wife. 1511 01:17:34,686 --> 01:17:36,115 I'm sorry. 1512 01:17:36,117 --> 01:17:37,215 I said, "You remind me of my wife." 1513 01:17:37,217 --> 01:17:38,516 No, I'm sorry that you said that... 1514 01:17:38,518 --> 01:17:41,582 while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm. 1515 01:17:41,584 --> 01:17:42,917 CABLE: She always struggled. 1516 01:17:43,850 --> 01:17:45,282 But she was funny... 1517 01:17:45,284 --> 01:17:48,717 and filtered her pain through the prism of humor. 1518 01:17:48,719 --> 01:17:51,084 Something I could never master. 1519 01:17:51,817 --> 01:17:54,184 It was my fault she died. 1520 01:17:55,686 --> 01:17:59,249 It was my job to stop people like him. 1521 01:17:59,251 --> 01:18:01,384 - I came close a few times. - (TOMORROW PLAYING) 1522 01:18:05,351 --> 01:18:07,284 He wasn't too happy about that. 1523 01:18:08,850 --> 01:18:10,182 He was trying to hurt me... 1524 01:18:10,184 --> 01:18:12,484 and he knew exactly how to do it. 1525 01:18:16,619 --> 01:18:18,416 OLDER RUSSELL: Blessed are the wicked 1526 01:18:18,418 --> 01:18:20,084 who are healed by my hand. 1527 01:18:22,751 --> 01:18:25,149 CABLE: He came into my home... 1528 01:18:25,151 --> 01:18:28,251 and took the only thing that made it a home. 1529 01:18:32,318 --> 01:18:33,817 Sound familiar? 1530 01:18:34,751 --> 01:18:36,482 - I'm sorry. - Uh-huh. 1531 01:18:36,484 --> 01:18:38,217 No, I'm really sorry. 1532 01:18:40,384 --> 01:18:42,349 But that isn't Russell. 1533 01:18:42,351 --> 01:18:44,516 - It doesn't have to be him. - If you knew what I knew... 1534 01:18:44,518 --> 01:18:46,316 Yeah, he's got anger issues... 1535 01:18:46,318 --> 01:18:47,982 maybe a small learning disability... 1536 01:18:47,984 --> 01:18:49,549 splash of diabetes... 1537 01:18:49,551 --> 01:18:50,848 but nothing that can't be fixed. 1538 01:18:50,850 --> 01:18:52,416 If you could go back... 1539 01:18:52,418 --> 01:18:55,482 and stop the people that took your girl, would you? 1540 01:18:55,484 --> 01:18:57,284 Of course I fucking would! 1541 01:18:57,884 --> 01:18:59,749 But I wouldn't kill a kid. 1542 01:18:59,751 --> 01:19:01,282 I'm not asking you to kill a kid! 1543 01:19:01,284 --> 01:19:02,449 I'll kill the kid. 1544 01:19:02,451 --> 01:19:06,082 I'm asking you to save hundreds of other kids. 1545 01:19:06,084 --> 01:19:08,382 Russell's gonna burn down that orphanage. 1546 01:19:08,384 --> 01:19:10,449 And I can imagine your dead girlfriend... 1547 01:19:10,451 --> 01:19:13,848 would want you to do the right thing, wouldn't she? 1548 01:19:13,850 --> 01:19:17,049 So, what's it gonna be, handsome? 1549 01:19:17,051 --> 01:19:18,848 Give me a chance to save him. 1550 01:19:18,850 --> 01:19:20,249 - What? - You said... 1551 01:19:20,251 --> 01:19:21,982 once he kills someone, he gets a taste for it. 1552 01:19:21,984 --> 01:19:24,516 If we can get to him before that happens... 1553 01:19:24,518 --> 01:19:26,049 promise you'll give me a chance 1554 01:19:26,051 --> 01:19:27,948 to put him on a different path. 1555 01:19:27,950 --> 01:19:29,215 Define "chance." 1556 01:19:29,217 --> 01:19:30,349 I don't know. How long does it take 1557 01:19:30,351 --> 01:19:31,848 to save someone's soul? That's not... 1558 01:19:31,850 --> 01:19:33,182 I'll give you 30 seconds. 1559 01:19:33,184 --> 01:19:35,382 - What? No! - Best I can do. 1560 01:19:35,384 --> 01:19:36,817 Take it or leave it. 1561 01:19:46,984 --> 01:19:48,449 - (CABLE GROANS) - WEASEL: He's doing it! 1562 01:19:48,451 --> 01:19:50,115 Look at the little fella. He's doing it. 1563 01:19:50,117 --> 01:19:52,316 - (RETCHES) - There he goes. 1564 01:19:52,318 --> 01:19:53,783 CABLE: Jesus Christ! 1565 01:19:53,785 --> 01:19:55,349 WEASEL: Just shirt-cocking it. 1566 01:19:55,351 --> 01:19:57,149 Ugh. 1567 01:19:57,151 --> 01:19:58,585 WEASEL: There you go, little fella. 1568 01:19:59,384 --> 01:20:00,982 Go on, you're doing it! 1569 01:20:00,984 --> 01:20:04,051 My beautiful, hairless, Twizzler-legged baby boy. 1570 01:20:06,217 --> 01:20:07,382 DOMINO: Christ! 1571 01:20:07,384 --> 01:20:09,149 That's disturbing. 1572 01:20:09,151 --> 01:20:10,418 30 seconds. 1573 01:20:15,718 --> 01:20:17,318 - Deal. - Deal. 1574 01:20:19,785 --> 01:20:22,282 BLIND AL: I have no idea what's happening. 1575 01:20:22,284 --> 01:20:25,550 (SOFTLY) Probably for the best. 1576 01:20:25,552 --> 01:20:29,316 DEADPOOL: And that is why you never eat a raw starfish. 1577 01:20:29,318 --> 01:20:31,550 It's just common sense. 1578 01:20:31,552 --> 01:20:32,948 Where the hell are we going? 1579 01:20:32,950 --> 01:20:34,282 DEADPOOL: You said it yourself. 1580 01:20:34,284 --> 01:20:37,215 Nothing can stop the Juggernaut. We need backup. 1581 01:20:37,217 --> 01:20:40,215 I will bathe in the blood of your enemies. 1582 01:20:40,217 --> 01:20:42,519 (BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) 1583 01:20:44,485 --> 01:20:46,184 Can you turn off the music? 1584 01:20:46,984 --> 01:20:49,082 You'll do no such thing. 1585 01:20:49,084 --> 01:20:51,450 Why don't you just say it in an Indian accent? 1586 01:20:51,452 --> 01:20:52,416 What the hell are you...? 1587 01:20:52,418 --> 01:20:54,616 Once again, intolerance rears its ugly head. 1588 01:20:54,618 --> 01:20:56,215 I am so sorry. It gets better. 1589 01:20:56,217 --> 01:20:58,115 I'm not a fucking racist, moron! 1590 01:20:58,117 --> 01:21:01,149 Tell that to Black Tom. He was like a brother to me. 1591 01:21:01,151 --> 01:21:02,915 I'm with the old white guy on this one. 1592 01:21:02,917 --> 01:21:04,616 And that's a twist. 1593 01:21:04,618 --> 01:21:05,783 DEADPOOL: So what exactly do you 1594 01:21:05,785 --> 01:21:06,848 do in the future, anyway, huh? 1595 01:21:06,850 --> 01:21:08,582 Some kind of soldier? 1596 01:21:08,584 --> 01:21:10,282 Yeah, something like that. 1597 01:21:10,284 --> 01:21:12,716 DEADPOOL: I was a soldier. Special Forces. 1598 01:21:12,718 --> 01:21:15,182 I bet 50 years from now, we're bestest buddies. 1599 01:21:15,184 --> 01:21:17,282 50 years from now, you're very dead. 1600 01:21:17,284 --> 01:21:20,082 Your entire generation fucked this planet into a coma. 1601 01:21:20,084 --> 01:21:21,550 Boom! (IMITATES EXPLOSION) 1602 01:21:21,552 --> 01:21:22,815 Spoiler alert. 1603 01:21:22,817 --> 01:21:24,316 (SNICKERS) 1604 01:21:24,318 --> 01:21:25,450 (SIGHS) Planets. 1605 01:21:25,452 --> 01:21:26,882 Next time, Uber. 1606 01:21:26,884 --> 01:21:28,384 Here's a spoiler alert. 1607 01:21:29,519 --> 01:21:31,417 You're not a fucking hero. 1608 01:21:31,419 --> 01:21:35,549 You're just an annoying clown dressed up as a sex toy. 1609 01:21:35,551 --> 01:21:36,749 DEADPOOL: Well, I got news for you. 1610 01:21:36,751 --> 01:21:38,049 My heart is in the right place. 1611 01:21:38,051 --> 01:21:39,517 Russell's not gonna kill anyone. 1612 01:21:39,519 --> 01:21:42,015 Because of me, he's gonna know what real love looks like. 1613 01:21:42,017 --> 01:21:43,450 Because of you, I'll always know 1614 01:21:43,452 --> 01:21:45,783 what a grown man with baby balls looks like. 1615 01:21:45,785 --> 01:21:48,215 I'm a grower, not a shower. 1616 01:21:48,217 --> 01:21:49,683 I should've finished college. 1617 01:21:49,685 --> 01:21:50,915 DEADPOOL: Right here! 1618 01:21:50,917 --> 01:21:52,351 (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1619 01:21:53,419 --> 01:21:55,452 (IN YOUR EYES PLAYING ON BOOM BOX) 1620 01:22:06,718 --> 01:22:08,117 (GROANS) 1621 01:22:08,950 --> 01:22:10,982 DEADPOOL: I made mistakes! 1622 01:22:10,984 --> 01:22:12,882 I wanna take them back! 1623 01:22:12,884 --> 01:22:15,882 You trusted me. I took that trust... 1624 01:22:15,884 --> 01:22:17,417 and turned it into a glory hole 1625 01:22:17,419 --> 01:22:18,815 in an airport bathroom. 1626 01:22:18,817 --> 01:22:21,584 The one in Minneapolis. You know the one. 1627 01:22:22,551 --> 01:22:23,882 Colossus! 1628 01:22:23,884 --> 01:22:25,982 I wouldn't ask for your help unless it was life or death! 1629 01:22:25,984 --> 01:22:28,049 That kid needs our help! 1630 01:22:28,051 --> 01:22:30,215 I know you're listening! 1631 01:22:30,217 --> 01:22:31,616 He's teamed up with the Juggernaut! 1632 01:22:31,618 --> 01:22:32,915 The Juggernaut! 1633 01:22:32,917 --> 01:22:34,383 That's like my favorite Marvel character ever, 1634 01:22:34,385 --> 01:22:36,049 but you should never meet your heroes... 1635 01:22:36,051 --> 01:22:39,015 because, honestly, he's a bit of a dick! 1636 01:22:39,017 --> 01:22:41,649 And like a lot of dicks, he's as hard as a rock... 1637 01:22:41,651 --> 01:22:43,450 and causes nothing but problems! 1638 01:22:43,452 --> 01:22:45,182 - Hi, Wade! - Hi, Yukio! 1639 01:22:45,184 --> 01:22:46,049 Please don't. 1640 01:22:46,051 --> 01:22:47,417 You guys make a super cute couple. 1641 01:22:47,419 --> 01:22:49,316 Yeah. Where was I? Oh, yeah! 1642 01:22:49,318 --> 01:22:51,482 Colossus! Look, I don't deserve 1643 01:22:51,484 --> 01:22:53,616 your friendship or your help. 1644 01:22:53,618 --> 01:22:55,317 But this kid does. 1645 01:22:55,319 --> 01:22:58,284 And I'm not gonna bail on him like everyone else. 1646 01:22:59,884 --> 01:23:02,051 Oh, come on! 1647 01:23:04,251 --> 01:23:06,015 (GROANS) 1648 01:23:06,017 --> 01:23:09,115 Any chance Pigeon Wings is available? 1649 01:23:09,117 --> 01:23:11,683 That's just fine! That's fine! 1650 01:23:11,685 --> 01:23:13,149 No! You know what? 1651 01:23:13,151 --> 01:23:16,049 Doing the right thing is sometimes messy... 1652 01:23:16,051 --> 01:23:19,317 and fucked up, and not particularly convenient! 1653 01:23:19,319 --> 01:23:22,783 So stay here in Chateau de Virgin... 1654 01:23:22,785 --> 01:23:25,084 while we go get our fuck on! 1655 01:23:27,884 --> 01:23:29,385 DOMINO: You're doing great. 1656 01:23:31,884 --> 01:23:33,385 - (CAR DOOR CLOSES) - (ENGINE STARTS) 1657 01:23:34,850 --> 01:23:36,283 RUSSELL: So you wear that helmet because 1658 01:23:36,285 --> 01:23:38,115 your brother tries to read your mind? 1659 01:23:38,117 --> 01:23:41,350 JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, but he's in a wheelchair, so even-steven. 1660 01:23:41,352 --> 01:23:43,948 MAN: Someone's coming. It's Russell, sir. 1661 01:23:43,950 --> 01:23:45,948 He's not alone. 1662 01:23:45,950 --> 01:23:47,917 HEADMASTER: Secure the children. 1663 01:23:52,151 --> 01:23:55,015 What do you say we go fuck some shit up? 1664 01:23:55,017 --> 01:23:59,084 "Let's fuck some shit up" is my legal middle name. 1665 01:24:02,151 --> 01:24:04,882 Watch my back. I've got the old man. 1666 01:24:04,884 --> 01:24:07,319 Amen, brother. 1667 01:24:07,984 --> 01:24:09,418 (BRAKES SCREECHING) 1668 01:24:12,950 --> 01:24:14,683 Time to make the chimichangas. 1669 01:24:14,685 --> 01:24:16,848 30 seconds. 1670 01:24:16,850 --> 01:24:19,482 I finally know why I'm here. 1671 01:24:19,484 --> 01:24:21,283 I was raised in this place. 1672 01:24:21,285 --> 01:24:23,716 Well, not raised. I was tortured. 1673 01:24:23,718 --> 01:24:26,649 Wow! It's your cosmic reason for being here. 1674 01:24:26,651 --> 01:24:27,948 - Shall we? - This is gonna be fun. 1675 01:24:27,950 --> 01:24:29,115 DEADPOOL: Yeah! 1676 01:24:29,117 --> 01:24:30,749 Hey! Been meaning to ask you... 1677 01:24:30,751 --> 01:24:34,317 what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear? 1678 01:24:34,319 --> 01:24:37,984 It's not dirt. It's the blood of my dead daughter. 1679 01:24:40,051 --> 01:24:41,982 I have a gluten sensitivity. 1680 01:24:41,984 --> 01:24:43,649 So one glass of wine, I just... 1681 01:24:43,651 --> 01:24:45,082 (IMITATES EXPLOSION) 1682 01:24:45,084 --> 01:24:46,084 Yeah. 1683 01:24:47,718 --> 01:24:49,616 (DEADPOOL SIGHS) 1684 01:24:49,618 --> 01:24:50,783 Wish we could head back in time, 1685 01:24:50,785 --> 01:24:52,616 and I could take all that back. 1686 01:24:52,618 --> 01:24:54,516 We should just cue the music. 1687 01:24:54,518 --> 01:24:56,984 (RAP MUSIC PLAYING) 1688 01:25:18,984 --> 01:25:21,950 Welcome home, Russell. We missed you. 1689 01:25:23,117 --> 01:25:24,049 Russell! 1690 01:25:24,051 --> 01:25:26,518 You don't need to do this! Let's talk! 1691 01:25:27,351 --> 01:25:29,115 Why are you dressed like the Unabomber? 1692 01:25:29,117 --> 01:25:30,551 (YELLING) 1693 01:25:33,384 --> 01:25:34,382 That's why! 1694 01:25:34,384 --> 01:25:35,882 Told you this little fucker's too far gone. 1695 01:25:35,884 --> 01:25:37,716 Zip it, Thanos! We have a deal and you fuck... 1696 01:25:37,718 --> 01:25:40,082 - (GROANS) - JUGGERNAUT: Hey! 1697 01:25:40,084 --> 01:25:43,384 I'm gonna shove that cab driver right up your ass. 1698 01:25:44,484 --> 01:25:46,749 My body and my hands are so soft. 1699 01:25:46,751 --> 01:25:47,882 You should probably head back to the car. 1700 01:25:47,884 --> 01:25:49,850 I think I'll head back to the car. 1701 01:25:50,785 --> 01:25:53,518 It works best when you pull the trigger. 1702 01:25:55,285 --> 01:25:56,449 (GROANS) 1703 01:25:56,451 --> 01:25:57,884 That gun is amazing! 1704 01:25:58,950 --> 01:26:00,318 RUSSELL: Say it! 1705 01:26:02,451 --> 01:26:05,516 You are an abomination! 1706 01:26:05,518 --> 01:26:06,850 (GRUNTS) 1707 01:26:12,518 --> 01:26:15,982 Now, I'm gonna shove the red guy up the old guy. 1708 01:26:15,984 --> 01:26:18,518 I believe him! Every man for themselves! 1709 01:26:22,850 --> 01:26:24,683 Gotcha! 1710 01:26:24,685 --> 01:26:26,017 JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget! 1711 01:26:28,817 --> 01:26:31,915 Hey, big guy, the sun's getting real low! 1712 01:26:31,917 --> 01:26:33,185 Oh, shit fuck! 1713 01:26:33,651 --> 01:26:35,118 (SCREAMING) 1714 01:26:45,551 --> 01:26:46,882 (JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS) 1715 01:26:46,884 --> 01:26:48,551 Come here, beautiful. 1716 01:26:50,651 --> 01:26:51,917 RUSSELL: Say it! 1717 01:27:06,118 --> 01:27:08,217 (IN YOUR EYES PLAYING) 1718 01:27:45,884 --> 01:27:47,217 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 1719 01:27:49,584 --> 01:27:51,215 (MUMBLES) 1720 01:27:51,217 --> 01:27:52,482 You came for me. 1721 01:27:52,484 --> 01:27:53,882 I'm not giving up on you, 1722 01:27:53,884 --> 01:27:56,083 and you are not giving up on that boy. 1723 01:27:56,085 --> 01:27:58,083 Who says that rules aren't meant to be broken? 1724 01:27:58,085 --> 01:28:00,616 It's time to fight dirty. 1725 01:28:00,618 --> 01:28:02,016 Time to sweep the leg, Johnny. 1726 01:28:02,018 --> 01:28:04,815 Hey! Pick on someone your own size! 1727 01:28:04,817 --> 01:28:06,915 That's such a you thing to say! 1728 01:28:06,917 --> 01:28:08,915 Go get him, tiger! 1729 01:28:08,917 --> 01:28:10,817 Big CGI fight coming up! 1730 01:28:11,817 --> 01:28:13,384 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1731 01:28:13,817 --> 01:28:15,318 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1732 01:28:19,751 --> 01:28:21,948 (GRUNTS) 1733 01:28:21,950 --> 01:28:23,882 - (BOTH GRUNTING) - (BONE CRACKS) 1734 01:28:23,884 --> 01:28:25,184 (SCREAMS) 1735 01:28:33,817 --> 01:28:35,349 He's doing great. 1736 01:28:35,351 --> 01:28:36,518 RUSSELL: Say it! 1737 01:28:40,651 --> 01:28:42,184 - Russell. - DEADPOOL: Bingo! 1738 01:28:44,418 --> 01:28:45,817 (GROANING) 1739 01:28:49,518 --> 01:28:50,584 (JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS) 1740 01:28:51,318 --> 01:28:52,582 (METAL CLANGS) 1741 01:28:52,584 --> 01:28:53,983 (GROANS) 1742 01:28:53,985 --> 01:28:56,151 That's right! I'm fighting dirty! 1743 01:28:56,884 --> 01:28:57,948 Oh, great! 1744 01:28:57,950 --> 01:28:59,249 ORDERLY: There they are! Those freaks! 1745 01:28:59,251 --> 01:29:01,649 DEADPOOL: A bunch of armed pedophiles in nursing shoes. 1746 01:29:01,651 --> 01:29:03,749 Can I have one of those guns? 1747 01:29:03,751 --> 01:29:05,616 - No. - That's fine. 1748 01:29:05,618 --> 01:29:07,549 Get off this property, mutant scum! 1749 01:29:07,551 --> 01:29:08,584 I'm just gonna use this brick. 1750 01:29:09,384 --> 01:29:10,482 Maximum effort. 1751 01:29:10,484 --> 01:29:12,018 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1752 01:29:16,284 --> 01:29:18,284 Who says you can't go home again? 1753 01:29:20,284 --> 01:29:21,551 (ALL GRUNTING) 1754 01:29:26,917 --> 01:29:28,451 - (SCREAMS) - CHILDREN: Oh! 1755 01:29:35,384 --> 01:29:36,384 CHILDREN: Yeah! 1756 01:29:38,551 --> 01:29:40,115 Say it. 1757 01:29:40,117 --> 01:29:43,351 Say what you said every time you tortured me! 1758 01:29:43,785 --> 01:29:45,050 Say it! 1759 01:29:45,052 --> 01:29:48,052 Blessed are the wicked who are healed by my hand! 1760 01:29:49,018 --> 01:29:51,316 Blessed are the wicked... 1761 01:29:51,318 --> 01:29:52,484 who are healed... 1762 01:29:52,884 --> 01:29:54,484 by my hand. 1763 01:29:55,418 --> 01:29:56,884 (YELLS) 1764 01:30:06,685 --> 01:30:08,184 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1765 01:30:12,518 --> 01:30:14,918 You commie motherfucker! 1766 01:30:18,451 --> 01:30:19,584 (CHILDREN CHEERING) 1767 01:30:20,751 --> 01:30:21,848 (SPITS) 1768 01:30:21,850 --> 01:30:23,484 (YELLS) 1769 01:30:28,685 --> 01:30:30,051 (GROANS) 1770 01:30:41,084 --> 01:30:43,749 DEADPOOL: Oh, my God. Did you feel that, too? 1771 01:30:43,751 --> 01:30:46,117 Only best buddies execute pedophiles together. 1772 01:30:48,951 --> 01:30:51,582 You got 30 seconds, you jabbering butt plug! 1773 01:30:51,584 --> 01:30:52,951 Now we're getting it. 1774 01:30:55,484 --> 01:30:57,316 (SPEAKS RUSSIAN) 1775 01:30:57,318 --> 01:30:59,716 I need a bus to get you all out of here. 1776 01:30:59,718 --> 01:31:00,918 (GASPS) 1777 01:31:01,584 --> 01:31:03,251 (CAR ALARM WAILING) 1778 01:31:05,117 --> 01:31:06,151 Orphans. 1779 01:31:07,284 --> 01:31:08,451 Oh, geez. 1780 01:31:09,785 --> 01:31:12,382 It's time to burn for what you've done! 1781 01:31:12,384 --> 01:31:15,184 A child should not be burdened with such power! 1782 01:31:22,551 --> 01:31:23,749 (RUSSELL GRUNTS) 1783 01:31:23,751 --> 01:31:25,017 Russell! Wait! 1784 01:31:30,885 --> 01:31:32,217 DEADPOOL: Oh! 1785 01:31:39,284 --> 01:31:41,382 Wait! He hasn't killed anyone yet! 1786 01:31:41,384 --> 01:31:43,616 - What more do you need to see? - Don't you fucking dare! 1787 01:31:43,618 --> 01:31:44,816 He's just a kid! 1788 01:31:44,818 --> 01:31:46,918 Tick, tock. Meter's running! 1789 01:31:55,818 --> 01:31:57,251 (COLOSSUS GROANS) 1790 01:31:59,251 --> 01:32:02,484 I'm gonna melt you down and make a cock ring. 1791 01:32:07,818 --> 01:32:09,151 (GRUNTS) 1792 01:32:10,284 --> 01:32:11,551 (GROWLS) 1793 01:32:14,418 --> 01:32:15,716 (GRUNTS) 1794 01:32:15,718 --> 01:32:18,051 - (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) - (GROANING) 1795 01:32:22,752 --> 01:32:25,516 - I told you! Leave me alone! - Come on! 1796 01:32:25,518 --> 01:32:26,818 Listen to me! 1797 01:32:30,451 --> 01:32:31,818 (RUSSELL SCREAMING) 1798 01:32:32,351 --> 01:32:34,851 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1799 01:32:37,184 --> 01:32:38,351 (GRUNTS) 1800 01:32:49,950 --> 01:32:51,915 COLOSSUS: (SCOFFS) That's how we do it 1801 01:32:51,917 --> 01:32:53,484 in Mother Russia. 1802 01:32:54,318 --> 01:32:55,316 (GROANS) 1803 01:32:55,318 --> 01:32:58,151 They say millennials are the hardest to reach. 1804 01:32:59,384 --> 01:33:02,816 CABLE: Oh, no. You're doing amazing. 1805 01:33:02,818 --> 01:33:03,982 (GROWLS) 1806 01:33:03,984 --> 01:33:06,915 Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta! 1807 01:33:06,917 --> 01:33:08,816 Go home, Wade! 1808 01:33:08,818 --> 01:33:10,884 You're ruining everything! 1809 01:33:15,950 --> 01:33:17,449 I'm getting good at this shit. 1810 01:33:17,451 --> 01:33:18,484 DEADPOOL: Go, go, go! 1811 01:33:18,752 --> 01:33:20,084 (GRUNTS) 1812 01:33:21,917 --> 01:33:23,915 He dies tonight, Wade. 1813 01:33:23,917 --> 01:33:26,282 You can't stop me! 1814 01:33:26,284 --> 01:33:28,215 CABLE: He even runs like a fucking pervert. 1815 01:33:28,217 --> 01:33:31,217 Like an online predator who lost his laptop. 1816 01:33:32,351 --> 01:33:33,982 There's one bullet left in that gun. 1817 01:33:33,984 --> 01:33:36,215 Wait, wait, wait! Please, just give me a second! 1818 01:33:36,217 --> 01:33:37,616 I got this. 1819 01:33:37,618 --> 01:33:39,848 - Russell! - Stay back! Go home, Wade! 1820 01:33:39,850 --> 01:33:42,616 Let's talk. It doesn't have to go this way! 1821 01:33:42,618 --> 01:33:44,182 That piece of shit... 1822 01:33:44,184 --> 01:33:45,982 he deserves to die for what he did to you. 1823 01:33:45,984 --> 01:33:49,484 He hurt you badly. Makes you wanna hurt others. 1824 01:33:50,184 --> 01:33:52,049 But if you kill him, he wins. 1825 01:33:52,051 --> 01:33:55,982 You become everything he says you are, but worse. 1826 01:33:55,984 --> 01:33:58,015 You're just a kid. 1827 01:33:58,017 --> 01:33:59,848 You don't wanna hurt anyone. 1828 01:33:59,850 --> 01:34:01,082 How do you know what I want? 1829 01:34:01,084 --> 01:34:02,984 Because I've been inside you. 1830 01:34:03,518 --> 01:34:05,449 That came out wrong. 1831 01:34:05,451 --> 01:34:07,049 I've been inside your shoes. 1832 01:34:07,051 --> 01:34:08,982 Which is also off-putting. 1833 01:34:08,984 --> 01:34:10,582 It's not a great analogy. 1834 01:34:10,584 --> 01:34:12,482 The point is... 1835 01:34:12,484 --> 01:34:14,082 there are people... 1836 01:34:14,084 --> 01:34:17,149 There are people in this fucking world... 1837 01:34:17,151 --> 01:34:19,948 besides him, who will treat you right. 1838 01:34:19,950 --> 01:34:22,850 It isn't too late. Don't do it. 1839 01:34:28,051 --> 01:34:30,551 I never should've left you there. 1840 01:34:32,151 --> 01:34:34,251 I never should've left you in that prison. 1841 01:34:41,318 --> 01:34:42,551 I can't trust you. 1842 01:34:44,318 --> 01:34:46,817 I can't trust anybody! 1843 01:34:47,652 --> 01:34:49,217 (GROANING) 1844 01:34:55,785 --> 01:34:57,082 Wonderful kid. 1845 01:34:57,084 --> 01:34:58,882 RUSSELL: You can't stop me, Wade! 1846 01:34:58,884 --> 01:35:00,251 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 1847 01:35:01,017 --> 01:35:03,249 I got one more idea. 1848 01:35:03,251 --> 01:35:06,416 It's just a really bad one, even for me. 1849 01:35:06,418 --> 01:35:07,416 Wade, what are you doing? 1850 01:35:07,418 --> 01:35:09,915 All right. This is for all the marbles, kid! 1851 01:35:09,917 --> 01:35:12,015 You're gonna kill someone today... 1852 01:35:12,017 --> 01:35:13,583 Blessed are the wicked... 1853 01:35:13,585 --> 01:35:15,518 ...then it's gotta be me. 1854 01:35:16,585 --> 01:35:18,518 ...who are healed by my hand! 1855 01:35:21,619 --> 01:35:24,151 (MOUTHS) Fuck this! 1856 01:35:25,518 --> 01:35:28,182 (TOMORROW PLAYING) 1857 01:35:28,184 --> 01:35:31,848 GIRL: ♪ The sun will come out tomorrow ♪ 1858 01:35:31,850 --> 01:35:36,449 ♪ Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow ♪ 1859 01:35:36,451 --> 01:35:39,449 ♪ There'll be sun ♪ 1860 01:35:39,451 --> 01:35:46,282 ♪ When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely ♪ 1861 01:35:46,284 --> 01:35:53,318 ♪ I just stick out my chin and grin and say ♪ 1862 01:35:59,051 --> 01:36:02,449 ♪ The sun will come out tomorrow ♪ 1863 01:36:02,451 --> 01:36:07,416 ♪ So you gotta hang on till tomorrow ♪ 1864 01:36:07,418 --> 01:36:10,815 ♪ Come what may ♪ 1865 01:36:10,817 --> 01:36:16,115 ♪ Tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya, tomorrow ♪ 1866 01:36:16,117 --> 01:36:20,950 ♪ You're always a day away ♪ 1867 01:36:22,451 --> 01:36:24,650 (GROANS) 1868 01:36:24,652 --> 01:36:27,817 Tell me they got that in slow motion. 1869 01:36:29,519 --> 01:36:31,117 (DEADPOOL COUGHING) 1870 01:36:32,785 --> 01:36:34,184 Oh, that's not good. 1871 01:36:35,651 --> 01:36:37,384 No, sir. 1872 01:36:44,685 --> 01:36:47,817 You sacrificed yourself for me. 1873 01:36:48,151 --> 01:36:49,115 Yeah. 1874 01:36:49,117 --> 01:36:51,617 And it was the best thing I ever did. 1875 01:36:51,619 --> 01:36:53,249 (COUGHING) 1876 01:36:53,251 --> 01:36:55,583 I told you I care about you. 1877 01:36:55,585 --> 01:36:57,384 You're a good kid, Russell. 1878 01:36:59,151 --> 01:37:00,217 Hey. 1879 01:37:01,451 --> 01:37:02,749 The bear. 1880 01:37:02,751 --> 01:37:04,184 It worked. 1881 01:37:10,751 --> 01:37:12,683 Because of you. 1882 01:37:12,685 --> 01:37:15,084 No, Wade, because of you. 1883 01:37:15,785 --> 01:37:18,082 Stop, stop, stop! 1884 01:37:18,084 --> 01:37:19,217 Stop! 1885 01:37:20,151 --> 01:37:23,149 Just let it happen, okay? 1886 01:37:23,151 --> 01:37:26,948 I guess my heart was finally in the right place. 1887 01:37:26,950 --> 01:37:29,485 (GROANS) That riddle is so fucked up. 1888 01:37:31,785 --> 01:37:34,382 (GROANS, COUGHS) 1889 01:37:34,384 --> 01:37:36,915 I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. 1890 01:37:36,917 --> 01:37:38,115 Don't be. Don't be. 1891 01:37:38,117 --> 01:37:40,616 I've been trying to make this happen for a while. 1892 01:37:40,618 --> 01:37:42,182 Please, just don't leave me. 1893 01:37:42,184 --> 01:37:43,915 I don't wanna die without an audience. 1894 01:37:43,917 --> 01:37:45,483 We are not going anywhere. 1895 01:37:45,485 --> 01:37:47,848 WADE: Oh, God, I hope the Academy is watching. 1896 01:37:47,850 --> 01:37:49,084 Just rest, okay? 1897 01:37:50,751 --> 01:37:52,017 Papa. 1898 01:37:53,984 --> 01:37:56,117 ♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪ 1899 01:37:58,117 --> 01:38:04,318 ♪ Papa, can you find me in the night? ♪ 1900 01:38:25,519 --> 01:38:27,149 Before I go... (COUGHS) 1901 01:38:27,151 --> 01:38:29,117 Sorry, I got a bit more in me. 1902 01:38:29,584 --> 01:38:30,815 Domino. 1903 01:38:30,817 --> 01:38:35,683 I want you to have my Adventure Time watch. 1904 01:38:35,685 --> 01:38:37,848 (WADE COUGHING) 1905 01:38:37,850 --> 01:38:40,950 Turns out that I'm the lucky one. 1906 01:38:41,551 --> 01:38:42,850 Thank you. 1907 01:38:43,917 --> 01:38:47,549 Hey, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. 1908 01:38:47,551 --> 01:38:49,817 It has been a pleasure. 1909 01:38:51,151 --> 01:38:54,282 - Hi, Yukio. - Hi, Wade! 1910 01:38:54,284 --> 01:38:55,815 (CHUCKLES) 1911 01:38:55,817 --> 01:38:57,184 And you... 1912 01:38:57,618 --> 01:38:59,450 Chrome Bone. 1913 01:38:59,452 --> 01:39:02,616 I haven't always been the best friend to you. 1914 01:39:02,618 --> 01:39:04,948 But you've always been that to me. 1915 01:39:04,950 --> 01:39:06,385 So thank you. 1916 01:39:08,518 --> 01:39:10,184 Say "fuck" for me. 1917 01:39:10,850 --> 01:39:12,115 Just once. Come on, 1918 01:39:12,117 --> 01:39:13,848 we'll do it together. It's no big deal. 1919 01:39:13,850 --> 01:39:17,115 Here we go. One, two, three. F... F... F... 1920 01:39:17,117 --> 01:39:18,049 Fuck. 1921 01:39:18,051 --> 01:39:21,484 Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth. (CHUCKLES) 1922 01:39:22,751 --> 01:39:25,848 And you, Cable. (COUGHS) 1923 01:39:25,850 --> 01:39:30,282 You get back to your family. You tell 'em Wade says hi. 1924 01:39:30,284 --> 01:39:34,015 And promise me. Promise me one thing. 1925 01:39:34,017 --> 01:39:35,582 That you'll start judging people... 1926 01:39:35,584 --> 01:39:36,915 not by the color of their skin, 1927 01:39:36,917 --> 01:39:39,017 but by the content of their character. 1928 01:39:39,618 --> 01:39:41,284 - Jesus. - WADE: R-Dog? 1929 01:39:42,452 --> 01:39:44,848 There you are. Hey! 1930 01:39:44,850 --> 01:39:46,850 You're a superhero now, bubba. 1931 01:39:48,251 --> 01:39:49,549 Look. 1932 01:39:49,551 --> 01:39:52,251 Family is not an F-word. 1933 01:39:52,850 --> 01:39:54,149 All right? 1934 01:39:54,151 --> 01:39:56,716 There's one out there for you. (COUGHS) 1935 01:39:56,718 --> 01:39:58,484 Just keep looking, okay? 1936 01:40:01,850 --> 01:40:04,850 Guys, for a second there... 1937 01:40:05,518 --> 01:40:08,251 we made a pretty good team. 1938 01:40:13,518 --> 01:40:15,184 (SIGHS) 1939 01:40:22,651 --> 01:40:24,850 Oh, it's so hard to go. 1940 01:40:25,184 --> 01:40:26,082 (WHINES) 1941 01:40:26,084 --> 01:40:28,551 I just love being around you guys so much. 1942 01:40:29,618 --> 01:40:31,017 So, so much. 1943 01:40:31,584 --> 01:40:32,915 Mmm. 1944 01:40:32,917 --> 01:40:35,815 No, I can feel it now. Here it comes, yeah. 1945 01:40:35,817 --> 01:40:39,749 I feel the soul exiting the husk. 1946 01:40:39,751 --> 01:40:40,950 Yeah. 1947 01:40:42,551 --> 01:40:44,982 Can you see it? 1948 01:40:44,984 --> 01:40:47,319 Do you see that beautiful bright light? 1949 01:40:48,685 --> 01:40:50,017 There it is. 1950 01:40:56,017 --> 01:40:57,250 Oh, that's the sun. 1951 01:40:57,252 --> 01:40:59,516 Don't stare directly into that. 1952 01:40:59,518 --> 01:41:00,848 I just have a few final words. 1953 01:41:00,850 --> 01:41:02,084 (EXHALES) 1954 01:41:03,184 --> 01:41:04,484 Woodpecker. 1955 01:41:05,319 --> 01:41:06,584 Gingivitis. 1956 01:41:08,618 --> 01:41:10,117 Codswallop. 1957 01:41:14,184 --> 01:41:16,352 Do You Want to Build a Snowman? 1958 01:41:43,850 --> 01:41:46,218 (TAKE ON ME PLAYING) 1959 01:41:55,017 --> 01:41:57,817 ♪ We're talking away ♪ 1960 01:41:59,252 --> 01:42:02,183 ♪ I don't know what I'm to say ♪ 1961 01:42:02,185 --> 01:42:04,817 ♪ I'll say it anyway ♪ 1962 01:42:05,917 --> 01:42:10,582 ♪ Today's another day to find you ♪ 1963 01:42:10,584 --> 01:42:12,418 ♪ Shying away ♪ 1964 01:42:13,551 --> 01:42:16,518 ♪ I'll be coming for your love, okay? ♪ 1965 01:42:17,384 --> 01:42:22,017 ♪ Take on me ♪ 1966 01:42:24,751 --> 01:42:29,950 ♪ Take me on ♪ 1967 01:42:31,218 --> 01:42:32,549 Sorry I'm late. 1968 01:42:32,551 --> 01:42:34,015 There was a bunch 1969 01:42:34,017 --> 01:42:35,516 of handicapable children who were stuck in a tree. 1970 01:42:35,518 --> 01:42:36,884 - No. - No. 1971 01:42:37,751 --> 01:42:40,848 - But I did have to help a kid. - Yeah. 1972 01:42:40,850 --> 01:42:42,815 - He's got a terrible name. - It's just awful. 1973 01:42:42,817 --> 01:42:44,017 - Ugh. - I tried to tell him. 1974 01:42:46,284 --> 01:42:47,584 Is this heaven? 1975 01:42:48,484 --> 01:42:49,850 It is now. 1976 01:42:53,218 --> 01:42:55,118 I am so sorry. 1977 01:42:55,785 --> 01:42:58,015 VANESSA: It's okay. 1978 01:42:58,017 --> 01:43:01,284 ♪ Slowly learning that life is okay ♪ 1979 01:43:01,950 --> 01:43:04,252 ♪ Say after me ♪ 1980 01:43:05,384 --> 01:43:09,017 ♪ It's no better to be safe than sorry ♪ 1981 01:43:09,651 --> 01:43:14,051 ♪ Take on me ♪ 1982 01:43:16,917 --> 01:43:19,017 I missed you so much. 1983 01:43:24,484 --> 01:43:26,218 What is it? What's wrong? 1984 01:43:27,950 --> 01:43:30,015 It's not time. 1985 01:43:30,017 --> 01:43:32,049 What do you mean it's not time? 1986 01:43:32,051 --> 01:43:33,783 I'm here, I made it. 1987 01:43:33,785 --> 01:43:35,382 - You can't stay. - No, no, no. 1988 01:43:35,384 --> 01:43:38,349 I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere without you. 1989 01:43:38,351 --> 01:43:39,749 It's okay. 1990 01:43:39,751 --> 01:43:42,817 There's a time for us. It's just not now. 1991 01:43:43,618 --> 01:43:46,185 - They need you. - Who? 1992 01:43:48,017 --> 01:43:49,451 VANESSA: Your F-word. 1993 01:43:50,651 --> 01:43:51,982 WADE: Why? 1994 01:43:51,984 --> 01:43:53,984 VANESSA: You'll find out. 1995 01:43:54,751 --> 01:43:56,884 It's all right. I'll be here. 1996 01:43:57,917 --> 01:43:59,318 I love you. 1997 01:44:01,718 --> 01:44:04,251 I know. I love you, too. 1998 01:44:04,850 --> 01:44:06,052 Now, go. 1999 01:44:07,085 --> 01:44:09,284 Go on. Go, get out of here. 2000 01:44:10,318 --> 01:44:11,318 Go. 2001 01:44:14,384 --> 01:44:15,384 Hey! 2002 01:44:18,185 --> 01:44:20,518 Kiss me like you miss me, Red. 2003 01:44:21,217 --> 01:44:22,318 Well, come here. 2004 01:44:24,584 --> 01:44:29,917 ♪ Take me on ♪ 2005 01:44:31,884 --> 01:44:36,950 ♪ I'll be gone ♪ 2006 01:44:38,018 --> 01:44:41,118 ♪ In a day or two ♪ 2007 01:44:41,618 --> 01:44:43,016 Don't fuck Elvis. 2008 01:44:43,018 --> 01:44:45,184 - Don't fuck Colossus. - What? 2009 01:44:49,685 --> 01:44:51,284 (SCREAMING) 2010 01:44:54,884 --> 01:44:56,316 Time to make the chimichangas. 2011 01:44:56,318 --> 01:44:57,249 30 seconds. 2012 01:44:57,251 --> 01:44:58,683 Hey. Been meaning to ask you... 2013 01:44:58,685 --> 01:45:01,116 what's with the creepy, dirty hobo bear? 2014 01:45:01,118 --> 01:45:02,982 It's my daughter's teddy bear. 2015 01:45:02,984 --> 01:45:04,416 Her name's Hope. 2016 01:45:04,418 --> 01:45:05,518 DEADPOOL: Well... 2017 01:45:06,685 --> 01:45:08,616 What are you doing? 2018 01:45:08,618 --> 01:45:10,482 Somebody swiped right. 2019 01:45:10,484 --> 01:45:12,284 (FAST-FORWARDING) 2020 01:45:21,085 --> 01:45:22,783 (GROANS) 2021 01:45:22,785 --> 01:45:25,582 Tell me they got that in slow motion. 2022 01:45:25,584 --> 01:45:27,251 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 2023 01:45:28,318 --> 01:45:30,449 RUSSELL: You sacrificed yourself for me. 2024 01:45:30,451 --> 01:45:32,052 DEADPOOL: It would seem I... 2025 01:45:34,085 --> 01:45:35,318 Huh? 2026 01:45:36,418 --> 01:45:38,884 Genuine, high-grade lead. 2027 01:45:40,618 --> 01:45:43,683 You time-sliding son of a bitch! 2028 01:45:43,685 --> 01:45:45,351 You did this for me? 2029 01:45:47,052 --> 01:45:50,149 Wait. You can't go back. 2030 01:45:50,151 --> 01:45:51,616 You used the last of your fuel. 2031 01:45:51,618 --> 01:45:53,249 What about your girl, your wife? 2032 01:45:53,251 --> 01:45:56,850 Now, my family's safe. And I didn't do it for you. 2033 01:45:58,018 --> 01:46:00,616 No, I'm gonna stick around for a while... 2034 01:46:00,618 --> 01:46:01,848 and make sure the world 2035 01:46:01,850 --> 01:46:03,817 doesn't shit itself into oblivion. 2036 01:46:04,384 --> 01:46:07,284 No. You did it for me. 2037 01:46:07,884 --> 01:46:09,482 No, I didn't. 2038 01:46:09,484 --> 01:46:10,848 - You did. - I really didn't. 2039 01:46:10,850 --> 01:46:12,749 - Pretty sure you did. - No, I'm positive I didn't. 2040 01:46:12,751 --> 01:46:14,416 Fine. All right, let's flip a coin. Okay? 2041 01:46:14,418 --> 01:46:17,182 Heads, you did it for me. Tails, you did it for me. 2042 01:46:17,184 --> 01:46:19,951 I'm not even gonna look, because you did it for me. 2043 01:46:20,351 --> 01:46:21,215 Say it again. 2044 01:46:21,217 --> 01:46:22,983 - He did it for me. - CABLE: Jesus. 2045 01:46:22,985 --> 01:46:24,949 - We must get the collar off. - Forget it. It's no use. 2046 01:46:24,951 --> 01:46:27,016 These collars don't just come off. 2047 01:46:27,018 --> 01:46:28,018 Wade. 2048 01:46:28,451 --> 01:46:30,215 I have an idea. 2049 01:46:30,217 --> 01:46:32,349 No, no, no! Let's not do that. Please! 2050 01:46:32,351 --> 01:46:34,916 I'd rather die of cancer. Let's just... 2051 01:46:34,918 --> 01:46:38,182 Oh, God! They do say the pen is grosser than the sword. 2052 01:46:38,184 --> 01:46:40,549 - (COLLAR BUZZING) - RUSSELL: We need the code. 2053 01:46:40,551 --> 01:46:42,316 Try, uh, seven? 2054 01:46:42,318 --> 01:46:44,016 DEADPOOL: Settle down, Captain Lucky. 2055 01:46:44,018 --> 01:46:45,616 It's not gonna be one number. 2056 01:46:45,618 --> 01:46:46,884 Oh, God, that's lazy writing. 2057 01:46:47,685 --> 01:46:49,151 I still got it. 2058 01:46:50,351 --> 01:46:51,983 (DEADPOOL GROANS) 2059 01:46:51,985 --> 01:46:54,151 Put that back in your prison wallet. 2060 01:46:55,718 --> 01:46:57,649 I don't know how to thank you. 2061 01:46:57,651 --> 01:46:59,616 But I do know how to hug you. 2062 01:46:59,618 --> 01:47:00,883 - No. - Yes. 2063 01:47:00,885 --> 01:47:02,516 Here we go. Bring it in. 2064 01:47:02,518 --> 01:47:03,616 Come on. 2065 01:47:03,618 --> 01:47:04,983 Pelvis to pelvis. 2066 01:47:04,985 --> 01:47:06,316 Let's go tip to tip. 2067 01:47:06,318 --> 01:47:09,249 There we go. The kids call this docking. 2068 01:47:09,251 --> 01:47:10,716 (KNIFE UNSHEATHES) 2069 01:47:10,718 --> 01:47:12,249 Is there a knife in my dick? 2070 01:47:12,251 --> 01:47:14,149 - There's a knife in your dick. - I'm just gonna back up now. 2071 01:47:14,151 --> 01:47:16,015 - Yeah, yeah. - No need to go full Yentl. 2072 01:47:16,017 --> 01:47:18,883 Gonna pretend like that never happened. 2073 01:47:18,885 --> 01:47:21,017 Let's go home, Russell. 2074 01:47:24,551 --> 01:47:26,783 All you dirty mutants 2075 01:47:26,785 --> 01:47:28,883 are gonna rot in hell with the boy! 2076 01:47:28,885 --> 01:47:31,983 Your souls are beyond redemption! 2077 01:47:31,985 --> 01:47:33,249 Let's see your soul, perv! 2078 01:47:33,251 --> 01:47:36,349 No, no! No! No more! We're better than that! 2079 01:47:36,351 --> 01:47:37,382 We're better than him! 2080 01:47:37,384 --> 01:47:40,115 No more senseless violence! No more bloodshed! 2081 01:47:40,117 --> 01:47:41,815 We'll let karma take care of him. 2082 01:47:41,817 --> 01:47:45,017 The day of reckoning is here! 2083 01:47:45,785 --> 01:47:47,282 (TIRES SCREECHING) 2084 01:47:47,284 --> 01:47:48,418 (CRASHING) 2085 01:47:54,084 --> 01:47:56,382 I'm gonna miss him. He seemed great. 2086 01:47:56,384 --> 01:47:57,582 Whoo! 2087 01:47:57,584 --> 01:47:59,316 Courage, motherfuckers! 2088 01:47:59,318 --> 01:48:00,482 And karma, motherfucker. 2089 01:48:00,484 --> 01:48:02,149 DEADPOOL: I could hear you coming the last 30 seconds. 2090 01:48:02,151 --> 01:48:04,382 I could barely keep a straight face. (LAUGHS) 2091 01:48:04,384 --> 01:48:06,082 I want some more. 2092 01:48:06,084 --> 01:48:07,883 I bet you do, Brown Panther. 2093 01:48:07,885 --> 01:48:11,349 We should leave before Fuckernaut wakes up. 2094 01:48:11,351 --> 01:48:13,783 Good call. You guys coming with us? 2095 01:48:13,785 --> 01:48:15,783 No, we'll get the kids back to the mansion. 2096 01:48:15,785 --> 01:48:17,449 Besides, we're X-Men. 2097 01:48:17,451 --> 01:48:20,015 No, you're X-People. 2098 01:48:20,017 --> 01:48:21,282 You're exhausting. 2099 01:48:21,284 --> 01:48:23,883 I see what you did there. Puns. 2100 01:48:23,885 --> 01:48:26,382 - Bye, Wade! - Bye, Yukio! 2101 01:48:26,384 --> 01:48:28,017 (WE BELONG PLAYING) 2102 01:48:28,685 --> 01:48:29,784 DEADPOOL: What do you get 2103 01:48:29,786 --> 01:48:30,916 when you take eight feet of chrome... 2104 01:48:30,918 --> 01:48:32,082 one pinch of courage... 2105 01:48:32,084 --> 01:48:33,516 a cup of good luck... 2106 01:48:33,518 --> 01:48:34,982 a dab of racism... 2107 01:48:34,984 --> 01:48:36,249 a splash of diabetes... 2108 01:48:36,251 --> 01:48:38,982 and a wheelbarrow full of stage four cancer? 2109 01:48:38,984 --> 01:48:41,582 Answer: a family. 2110 01:48:41,584 --> 01:48:44,916 See? I didn't lie what kind of film this was. 2111 01:48:44,918 --> 01:48:46,316 If there's anything you take away today... 2112 01:48:46,318 --> 01:48:49,382 other than the need to Google, "What the fuck is dubstep?"... 2113 01:48:49,384 --> 01:48:52,418 it's that we all need to belong to someone. 2114 01:48:55,108 --> 01:49:00,108 Subtitles by explosiveskull 2115 01:50:49,051 --> 01:50:50,915 How something so small generates 2116 01:50:50,917 --> 01:50:52,915 enough energy to reverse time is... 2117 01:50:52,917 --> 01:50:54,948 Oh, just fix it, Eleven, 2118 01:50:54,950 --> 01:50:57,115 or I'll take it to the Genius Bar. 2119 01:50:57,117 --> 01:50:58,516 Cable's gonna kill you when he finds out. 2120 01:50:58,518 --> 01:50:59,582 Never heard of him. 2121 01:50:59,584 --> 01:51:01,151 Why do you think I'm helping him? 2122 01:51:02,184 --> 01:51:04,616 The Lord works in mysterious ways, 2123 01:51:04,618 --> 01:51:06,817 don't I? A good day. 2124 01:51:07,584 --> 01:51:08,584 Bye, Wade! 2125 01:51:09,184 --> 01:51:10,184 Bye, Yukio! 2126 01:51:11,451 --> 01:51:13,882 That was probably a bad idea. 2127 01:51:13,884 --> 01:51:15,815 What have we done? 2128 01:51:15,817 --> 01:51:18,017 (IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME PLAYING) 2129 01:51:33,817 --> 01:51:35,783 I hope we sharpened the cream cheese spreader. 2130 01:51:35,785 --> 01:51:37,251 - (BOTH PANTING) - (GASPS) 2131 01:51:45,917 --> 01:51:47,484 I'll be right back! 2132 01:51:49,251 --> 01:51:52,084 We're definitely naming our kid Cher! 2133 01:51:52,384 --> 01:51:53,384 Whoo! 2134 01:51:55,251 --> 01:51:56,583 DEADPOOL: Peter! 2135 01:51:56,585 --> 01:51:58,015 Whoo! X-Force! 2136 01:51:58,017 --> 01:52:00,384 Walk away! Just walk away! 2137 01:52:01,284 --> 01:52:02,382 But we're X-Force! 2138 01:52:02,384 --> 01:52:04,082 Nope! We're not, there's no X-Force! 2139 01:52:04,084 --> 01:52:07,583 All right, well, this has been pretty scary! 2140 01:52:07,585 --> 01:52:10,249 Go home, Sugarbear. Go home. 2141 01:52:10,251 --> 01:52:13,151 Okay. Will you give Domino my email? 2142 01:52:22,351 --> 01:52:24,184 Wade, is that you? 2143 01:52:26,451 --> 01:52:27,783 I guess Stryker finally 2144 01:52:27,785 --> 01:52:29,217 figured out how to shut you up. 2145 01:52:32,151 --> 01:52:33,451 (GUNSHOT) 2146 01:52:35,751 --> 01:52:38,882 Hey! It's me! Don't scratch! 2147 01:52:38,884 --> 01:52:41,316 Just cleaning up the timelines! 2148 01:52:41,318 --> 01:52:42,585 (GUNSHOTS) 2149 01:52:45,850 --> 01:52:47,251 (WHISPERS) Love you! 2150 01:52:49,619 --> 01:52:51,051 Welcome to the big leagues, kid. 2151 01:52:52,718 --> 01:52:53,917 (GUNSHOT) 2152 01:52:58,451 --> 01:53:00,318 You're welcome, Canada. 2153 01:54:20,850 --> 01:54:23,017 (HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) 2154 01:58:06,618 --> 01:58:07,817 (CHOIR SINGING) 150553