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[LIGHTER CLICKS]
2
00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:48,570
[WINDING MUSIC BOX]
3
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:05,152
[ALL OUT OF LOVEPLAYING]
4
00:01:26,216 --> 00:01:27,696
[SNIFFING]
5
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:37,401
[BOTTLES CLATTERING]
6
00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:19,443
DEADPOOL: Fuck Wolverine.
7
00:02:19,487 --> 00:02:22,185
First, he rides my coattails
with the R rating.
8
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:26,624
Then the hairy motherfucker
ups the ante by dying.
9
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,844
What a dick.
10
00:02:28,887 --> 00:02:31,107
Well, guess what, Wolvie?
11
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,979
I'm dying in this one, too.
12
00:02:34,023 --> 00:02:35,416
[X GOIN' GIVE IT
TO YAPLAYING]
13
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:39,115
DEADPOOL: To understand
why I took a cat-nap
14
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,248
on 1,200 gallons
of high-test fuel...
15
00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:42,640
I need to take you back
16
00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:45,121
to the dewy slopes
of six weeks ago.
17
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,514
I'd gone international,
18
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,472
taking out mass murderers,
gangsters,
19
00:02:48,516 --> 00:02:50,213
unspeakable monsters.
20
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:53,216
People nobody would touch.
Except me.
21
00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,218
I'm gonna touch them all over.
22
00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:56,828
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
23
00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:00,789
DEADPOOL:
Hey, it's Gail calling.
24
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:01,964
Love the shiny suit.
25
00:03:02,007 --> 00:03:03,748
Really brings out
26
00:03:03,792 --> 00:03:05,872
the sex trafficker
in your eyes. [SPEAKING CANTONESE]
27
00:03:06,925 --> 00:03:11,016
[IN ENGLISH] I don't
speak Cantonese, Mister...
28
00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:13,193
Well, I'm not even gonna
attempt that.
29
00:03:13,236 --> 00:03:15,717
But I did take 8th grade Spanish, so...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
30
00:03:18,067 --> 00:03:20,896
Which literally
translates to...
31
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:23,986
I don't bargain,
pumpkin fucker.
32
00:03:24,029 --> 00:03:25,074
[CELL PHONE CLATTERS]
33
00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:29,774
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
34
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,342
[GUNS COCKING]
35
00:03:33,735 --> 00:03:36,477
Oh. Oh, this isn't Gilbert's.
36
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,782
I am so sorry.
37
00:03:37,826 --> 00:03:39,456
I thought this was
an anal-bleaching party.
38
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,524
[GUNS FIRING]
39
00:03:40,568 --> 00:03:41,612
[GRUNTING]
40
00:03:45,355 --> 00:03:47,183
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
41
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,402
[GASPS]
42
00:03:48,445 --> 00:03:49,707
[SHUSHING]
43
00:03:58,934 --> 00:04:00,283
[MEN LAUGHING]
44
00:04:02,024 --> 00:04:03,895
Don't worry.
You're not going to die.
45
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:06,028
Although these will kill you.
46
00:04:06,071 --> 00:04:07,290
Hit it, Dolly.
47
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:08,857
[9 TO 5PLAYING]
48
00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:14,558
[BOTH GRUNTING]
49
00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:17,735
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
50
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:28,964
I'm merely
a vessel for the Lord.
51
00:04:35,449 --> 00:04:36,493
[MEN GROANING]
52
00:04:40,236 --> 00:04:42,804
Taking the hands out
of the guns of the criminals!
53
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,857
Whoo! Do not go in there!
54
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,649
Let's see
Captain America do that.
55
00:05:03,128 --> 00:05:04,304
[MEN CHEERING]
56
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,351
[CROWD CHEERING]
57
00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:12,137
Too exotic?
58
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:34,116
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
59
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:38,555
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
60
00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:41,428
[ALL GRUNTING]
61
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,447
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
62
00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:37,266
Oh, God! Oh, God,
time out! Time out!
63
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:40,835
Cut. I've got bad guy blood,
right in my open eye.
64
00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:42,880
Oh, that's so gross.
65
00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:43,968
[GROANING]
66
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:46,188
Fuck.
67
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:48,122
Looks like you left
a little landing strip there.
68
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,191
I like it.
69
00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:55,937
Oh, man!
70
00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:02,247
DEADPOOL: My world tour
brought me home
71
00:07:02,291 --> 00:07:04,728
to this guy,
Sergei Valishnikov.
72
00:07:04,772 --> 00:07:06,295
But we'll get to him
in a moment.
73
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:07,775
'Cause I know
what you're thinking.
74
00:07:07,818 --> 00:07:10,560
"I'm so glad
I left the kiddos at home."
75
00:07:10,604 --> 00:07:12,301
But that's where
you'd be wrong.
76
00:07:12,344 --> 00:07:15,086
That babysitter of yours
is high as fuck right now...
77
00:07:15,130 --> 00:07:19,439
and, believe it or not,
Deadpool 2 is a family film.
78
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:21,266
True story.
79
00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:24,487
And every good family film
starts with a vicious murder.
80
00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:27,621
Bambi, The Lion King, Saw 7.
81
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:30,972
[CHUCKLING] Holy shit pickles!
That guy's on fire.
82
00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:33,931
That's not CGI, folks.
He's actually on fire.
83
00:07:33,975 --> 00:07:37,369
Yeah. You know I get paid
to take out bad guys, right?
84
00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:38,632
But this guy?
85
00:07:38,675 --> 00:07:40,634
He was
one of the worst of 'em.
86
00:07:43,332 --> 00:07:44,855
Hurry up and open
this fucking door,
87
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,050
and let's kill
this motherfucker!
88
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:47,336
[ALARM RINGING] [GUNSHOT]
89
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:48,380
[BODY THUDS]
90
00:07:53,124 --> 00:07:55,170
Ugh. So gross.
91
00:07:55,213 --> 00:07:58,042
A panic room? Really?
92
00:07:58,086 --> 00:08:00,305
Can you come out? [WATCH BEEPING]
93
00:08:00,349 --> 00:08:03,439
I really have to go.
It's my anniversary.
94
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,791
[GUNS COCKING]
95
00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:10,770
MAN: [ON RADIO] Over and over,
I hear people say,
96
00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:12,361
"I just don't have
enough confidence."
97
00:08:12,404 --> 00:08:14,494
Listen, confidence is not
something you have.
98
00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:15,973
It's something you create. [LAUGHS]
99
00:08:16,017 --> 00:08:17,932
And you can create it
at any moment in time.
100
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:19,673
A sense of confidence
is nothing
101
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:21,457
but a sense of power
within yourself...
102
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,043
a sense of certainty that
you can pull something off.
103
00:08:23,067 --> 00:08:25,156
DEADPOOL:
Start the fucking car!
104
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,331
Dopinder!
105
00:08:26,375 --> 00:08:27,898
Start the fucking car!
106
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,509
[SCREAMS]
107
00:08:32,599 --> 00:08:35,079
MAN: Shoot that motherfucker!
Shoot him!
108
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:36,646
Whoo! Oh, I shit my pants.
109
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:39,083
Actually, that may
have been me.
110
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:40,389
Oh, mission accomplished?
111
00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:42,565
Oh, in a George W.
sort of way.
112
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,306
Fucker can't stay
in a panic room forever.
113
00:08:44,349 --> 00:08:45,805
DOPINDER: Oh, you're living
the dreams, DP.
114
00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:48,005
It has been
quite the run, Dopinder,
115
00:08:48,049 --> 00:08:49,354
and who'da thought?
116
00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:51,835
Now I'm talked about
in the same sentence as Jesus.
117
00:08:51,879 --> 00:08:53,750
Passion of the Christ, then me.
118
00:08:53,794 --> 00:08:55,056
At least domestically.
119
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,318
We beat them overseas,
120
00:08:56,361 --> 00:08:58,363
where there's no such thing
as religion.
121
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,583
I do want to live
the dreams, Pool Boy.
122
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:03,020
Taxiing is not as sexy
as it looks.
123
00:09:03,064 --> 00:09:04,848
I want to fill my... Pockets?
124
00:09:04,892 --> 00:09:08,112
What's your poison?
A little, uh, cokey cokey?
125
00:09:08,156 --> 00:09:09,505
Can't maintain an erection
126
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,091
without buying shoes online? [HORN HONKS]
127
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:13,074
I've never experienced
that last one.
128
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:14,510
Talk to me, Goose.
129
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:17,252
I was going to say "soul".
I want to fill my soul.
130
00:09:17,295 --> 00:09:20,385
I want to belong to something,
like you, Pool, sir.
131
00:09:20,429 --> 00:09:22,387
Dopinder... Hmm?
132
00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:24,259
You never cease
to surprise me.
133
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,393
You know, the depth of
your heart is extraordinary.
134
00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:30,091
We all need
a sense of belonging.
135
00:09:30,134 --> 00:09:31,919
We all need
a genuine sense of home.
136
00:09:31,962 --> 00:09:33,094
A place in this world.
137
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:34,497
I want to become
a contract killer.
138
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,358
I'm sorry. What did you say?
139
00:09:36,401 --> 00:09:38,360
Remember when
I kidnapped Bandhu
140
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:39,729
and threatened him
with great violence?
141
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,363
You kind of killed him.
142
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:42,993
And then remember the movie
Interview with the Vampire?
143
00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:44,192
Don't want to.
144
00:09:44,235 --> 00:09:45,323
When Tom Cruise fed
145
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:47,195
10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst blood
146
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,457
for the first time...
147
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,894
and she looked up
at his smooth,
148
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:53,157
handsome face and said...
149
00:09:53,941 --> 00:09:55,725
"I want some more."
150
00:09:55,769 --> 00:09:59,424
Oh, Pool, picture me,
a 10-year-old Kirsten Dunst.
151
00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:03,167
I'll never not picture that.
152
00:10:03,211 --> 00:10:04,995
But I can't wait
to never speak of this,
153
00:10:05,039 --> 00:10:07,084
as soon as possible.
154
00:10:07,128 --> 00:10:09,609
We're here. [BRAKES SCREECHING]
155
00:10:14,439 --> 00:10:16,354
[GROANS]
156
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:18,400
Dopinder, it's me again.
157
00:10:18,443 --> 00:10:20,141
Look, a saner man
might discourage you
158
00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:22,056
from joining
the deadly merc business...
159
00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:23,579
what, with your concave chest
160
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,276
and your
paper towel tube arms.
161
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,017
But you're an eagle...
162
00:10:27,061 --> 00:10:29,063
and goddamn it,
an eagle's gotta soar.
163
00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:30,499
You gotta grab those dreams,
164
00:10:30,542 --> 00:10:32,153
grab those dreams
by the dick tip...
165
00:10:32,196 --> 00:10:33,720
and make it rain!
166
00:10:33,763 --> 00:10:35,678
I don't know what that means.
167
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:37,680
Me neither. [BOTH LAUGH]
168
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:39,769
I'm gonna see you...
169
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,031
[EXCLAIMS]
170
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,424
at the office.
171
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:44,121
In the sky.
172
00:10:44,165 --> 00:10:45,296
You're my Tom Cruise!
173
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:46,950
DEADPOOL:
And you're my Kristen Dunst!
174
00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:48,473
Kristen? Kirsten?
175
00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:55,132
Sorry I'm late.
176
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:56,743
There was a bunch of
177
00:10:56,786 --> 00:10:58,875
handicapable children
stuck in a tree...
178
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:00,442
and I had to, uh... Uh-uh.
179
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:03,227
You're right.
I was fighting a caped badass.
180
00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:05,621
But then we discovered
his mom is named Martha, too.
181
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,971
No.You got me.
182
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:09,799
I was rounding up
all the gluten in the world
183
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:11,061
and launching it into space...
184
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,237
where it can't not
hurt us ever again.
185
00:11:13,281 --> 00:11:14,456
Try again.
186
00:11:15,022 --> 00:11:16,588
Diarrhea?
187
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:18,392
We can't be sure
until I get this suit off...
188
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:21,289
but, uh,
all signs point to yes.
189
00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:24,205
Traffic?
190
00:11:24,814 --> 00:11:25,859
Hmm?
191
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:28,731
Kiss me
like you miss me, Red.
192
00:11:28,775 --> 00:11:29,775
Well, come here.
193
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,518
[TAKE ON MEPLAYING]
194
00:11:38,828 --> 00:11:41,439
[VANESSA MOANS]
195
00:11:41,483 --> 00:11:43,920
I'm gonna shower
and get out of this suit.
196
00:11:43,964 --> 00:11:45,139
Don't you want
your surprise?
197
00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:47,010
Do I look like
a patient burn victim?
198
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:49,056
I got one for you, too.
199
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:51,711
Happy anniversary, baby.
200
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:53,321
Open, open, open.
201
00:11:55,323 --> 00:11:57,064
Skee-Ball token.
202
00:11:57,107 --> 00:11:58,500
Our first date.
203
00:11:58,543 --> 00:12:00,110
Yup.
204
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:02,809
That's genuine,
high-grade lead.
205
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,031
I'll keep it forever. [CHUCKLES]
206
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:09,511
Thank you, baby.
207
00:12:11,121 --> 00:12:12,819
Open yours. All right, all right.
208
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,038
Oh...
209
00:12:16,431 --> 00:12:18,322
That's just the most
beautiful thing that I've...
210
00:12:18,346 --> 00:12:19,739
I don't know
what this is.
211
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,610
My IUD.
212
00:12:21,653 --> 00:12:22,829
A bomb?
213
00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:25,962
No, dick for brains.
My birth control device.
214
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:27,094
What, you mean that your...
215
00:12:27,137 --> 00:12:28,878
Baby factory's open
for business.
216
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,227
Oh, my God! [BOX CLATTERS]
217
00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:33,535
[VANESSA LAUGHS] Oh, my God! I want a boy!
218
00:12:33,578 --> 00:12:36,668
Or a little girl!
Definitely one or the other!
219
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:39,497
Oh! And I want our kid
to have only one name.
220
00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:43,327
Like Cher or Todd.
221
00:12:43,371 --> 00:12:45,155
You gotta pump a baby
in me first, cowboy.
222
00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:46,548
Yes, I do.
223
00:12:46,591 --> 00:12:48,091
Let's watch some porn
and show that bed who's boss.
224
00:12:48,115 --> 00:12:49,116
Let's do that.
225
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:52,467
♪ Papa... ♪
226
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:54,686
♪ Can you hear me? ♪
227
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,778
♪ Papa, can you see me? ♪
228
00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:01,041
Does this song
sound familiar to you?
229
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:05,523
May.
230
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:09,266
Connor, if it's a boy.
May, if it's a girl.
231
00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:11,878
[CHUCKLES]
232
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,358
So weird. [LAUGHS]
233
00:13:14,402 --> 00:13:16,796
Family was always
an F-word to me.
234
00:13:18,319 --> 00:13:22,671
My pile of shit father
took off and bailed.
235
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:24,934
I mean, it's not like I have
a lot of strong role models
236
00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:26,718
to draw off of for Todd.
237
00:13:27,894 --> 00:13:30,505
Hey. Look at me.
238
00:13:31,680 --> 00:13:33,813
You are not your father.
239
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:36,990
Besides...
240
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:41,777
I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
241
00:13:42,778 --> 00:13:43,823
But here's the thing,
242
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,694
isn't that how
it always works?
243
00:13:45,737 --> 00:13:47,261
Like in Star Wars,
244
00:13:47,304 --> 00:13:50,003
men are destined
to become their father...
245
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:53,136
and then have consensual sex
with their sister?
246
00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:56,487
I think you missed
big, big chunks of that movie.
247
00:13:56,531 --> 00:13:58,794
No, I'm pretty sure
Luke nailed her.
248
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,883
Baby, that's Empire.
249
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:03,538
The point is, kids...
250
00:14:05,018 --> 00:14:07,672
they give us a chance
to be better than we are.
251
00:14:08,499 --> 00:14:11,154
Better than we used to be.
252
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:13,722
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
253
00:14:14,766 --> 00:14:16,420
I'm gonna go make dessert.
254
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:20,903
You get the strap-on.
Let's make a super baby.
255
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:24,341
Pretty sure it doesn't work
that way, but we can try.
256
00:14:24,385 --> 00:14:27,910
VANESSA: What about Krystal?
But with a "K"?
257
00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:29,912
[TIMER TICKING] It's too stripper-y.
258
00:14:29,956 --> 00:14:31,479
Kevin with a "K"!
259
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,611
No, too stripper-y, too.
260
00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:36,092
Uh, Earl!
261
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:38,486
[IN SLOW MOTION]
He's gonna go straight to jail
262
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:40,749
if we name him Earl.
263
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,664
What about Bruce?
264
00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:45,101
No.
265
00:14:45,145 --> 00:14:46,189
Get down.
266
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,625
What? [GUN FIRES]
267
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,978
[ALL GRUNTING]
268
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:59,420
[GUN FIRING]
269
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:18,613
Baby? Baby?
270
00:15:18,656 --> 00:15:20,658
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
271
00:15:21,877 --> 00:15:23,574
I'm okay.
272
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:26,273
Thank God I didn't have to use
the cream cheese spreader.
273
00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:27,883
[BOTH PANTING] [GASPS]
274
00:15:46,902 --> 00:15:48,773
[INAUDIBLE]
275
00:16:00,872 --> 00:16:02,135
[MOUTHING] Please.
276
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:09,055
Please. Please.
277
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:12,275
Baby, I'm so sorry.
278
00:16:12,319 --> 00:16:16,105
No!
279
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:23,765
[DINGS]
280
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:37,213
[PANTING]
281
00:16:41,913 --> 00:16:44,351
[HORN BLARING] [GRUNTS]
282
00:16:48,137 --> 00:16:49,921
[TIRES SCREECHING]
283
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:00,802
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
284
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,067
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
285
00:17:05,111 --> 00:17:06,199
[ENGINE STALLING]
286
00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,420
[YELLS]
287
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:30,049
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]
288
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,708
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
289
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,148
[HORN BLARES]
290
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,110
[WOMAN SINGING]
291
00:19:20,637 --> 00:19:23,336
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
292
00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:26,077
Is it just me, or does
293
00:19:26,121 --> 00:19:27,707
Do You Want to Build
a Snowman? from Frozen...
294
00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:29,037
sound suspiciously like
295
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:31,039
Papa, Can You Hear Me?
from Yentl?
296
00:19:31,082 --> 00:19:32,345
[SNIFFLES]
297
00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:34,521
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
298
00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:38,916
And nobody
fucking realizes it.
299
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,527
Wade, you gotta go home.
300
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:43,312
You've been sitting here
for three days, okay?
301
00:19:43,356 --> 00:19:47,055
You smell like sauerkraut
left in the warm rain.
302
00:19:47,098 --> 00:19:49,405
Like wet garbage
in hot urine.
303
00:19:49,449 --> 00:19:51,625
You smell like
a dog ate kitty litter...
304
00:19:51,668 --> 00:19:53,714
and then farted his way
out of the living room.
305
00:19:53,757 --> 00:19:55,585
I mean, like Rush Limbaugh's
306
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:57,457
couch cushions
after Shark Week.
307
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:59,241
I love Frozen.
308
00:19:59,285 --> 00:20:02,853
I loved her. I loved her
like an ocean loves water.
309
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,420
An ocean is water.
310
00:20:04,464 --> 00:20:09,208
More importantly, I liked her.
I really liked her, you know?
311
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:10,383
George Michael was right.
312
00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:12,254
I'm never gonna
dance again. Fuck!
313
00:20:12,863 --> 00:20:13,864
He's dead, too.
314
00:20:15,039 --> 00:20:16,389
At least we still have Bowie.
315
00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:18,173
Oh, Mr. Pool.
David Bowie is...
316
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,479
Uh, uh, uh...
317
00:20:19,522 --> 00:20:20,697
still with us.
318
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:23,613
We do.
We'll always have Bowie.
319
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,267
I'm sorry.
320
00:20:25,311 --> 00:20:26,747
Shot after shot,
321
00:20:26,790 --> 00:20:28,638
it's not gonna change the fact
that I think you're...
322
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:30,292
Are you pissing?
Are you urinating right now?
323
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:33,232
You're making the face that
you make when you urinate.
324
00:20:33,275 --> 00:20:34,842
Is he pissing? I'm on it!
325
00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:36,365
There you go, Dopinder.
326
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,454
If you want to be
a contract killer...
327
00:20:38,498 --> 00:20:41,065
you gotta handle a mop
before you handle a gun.
328
00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:42,173
Although I don't
quite understand
329
00:20:42,197 --> 00:20:43,764
how they are at all similar.
330
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:45,916
'Cause I could shove either
one up your ass and kill you.
331
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:47,071
Now, leave me.
332
00:20:47,115 --> 00:20:48,116
I get it.
333
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:50,249
Go home, Wade.
334
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:52,642
I don't have a home,
Weas, you know. I got a...
335
00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:55,471
Okay, I'm fine.
336
00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:56,646
I'm fine.
337
00:20:56,690 --> 00:20:58,518
You know what "fine"
stands for, Wade?
338
00:20:58,561 --> 00:21:02,304
Fucked up, insecure,
needy, and emotional.
339
00:21:02,348 --> 00:21:03,566
According to the...
340
00:21:04,915 --> 00:21:06,352
Kubler-Ross.Yeah.
341
00:21:06,395 --> 00:21:08,267
According to
the Kubler-Ross model...
342
00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:11,095
denial is just one of
the five stages of grief.
343
00:21:11,139 --> 00:21:13,489
Jesus Christ, Buck!
344
00:21:13,533 --> 00:21:15,448
No more speaking lines
for you.
345
00:21:18,189 --> 00:21:20,061
[LAUGHING]
346
00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:22,759
[JACK BENNY SCATTING ON RADIO]
347
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:24,065
[COMEDY SERIES PLAYING
ON RADIO]
348
00:21:24,108 --> 00:21:26,459
THUG: [ON RADIO]
Hey, bud. Bud.
349
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:28,591
JACK: Huh?
THUG: Got a match?
350
00:21:28,635 --> 00:21:30,158
JACK: Match?
351
00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:31,681
Yes, I have one right here.
352
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:33,093
THUG: Don't make a move.
This is a stick-up.
353
00:21:33,117 --> 00:21:34,858
JACK: What?
THUG: You heard me.
354
00:21:34,902 --> 00:21:36,947
JACK: Mister, Mister,
put down that gun.
355
00:21:36,991 --> 00:21:39,602
THUG: Shut up. Now, come on.
Your money or your life?
356
00:21:39,646 --> 00:21:41,952
[SNIFFS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON RADIO]
357
00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:51,527
THUG: Look, bud. I said,
"Your money or your life."
358
00:21:51,571 --> 00:21:52,876
"I'm thinking it over!"
359
00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:54,313
Motherfuck!
360
00:21:54,356 --> 00:21:55,401
Fuck!
361
00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:57,533
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
362
00:21:58,404 --> 00:21:59,883
The hell you doin' here?
363
00:21:59,927 --> 00:22:02,016
Don't you know how to knock?
364
00:22:02,059 --> 00:22:03,974
I thought you saw me...
365
00:22:04,018 --> 00:22:05,541
with your ears.
366
00:22:05,585 --> 00:22:06,649
You're lucky I didn't
shoot you in the...
367
00:22:06,673 --> 00:22:07,717
The wall?
368
00:22:07,761 --> 00:22:11,155
The refrigerator?
I'm in so much pain.
369
00:22:13,941 --> 00:22:15,551
BLIND AL: I heard the news,
sweetie.
370
00:22:15,595 --> 00:22:17,684
I'm very sorry. I am.
371
00:22:17,727 --> 00:22:19,642
What am I gonna do, Al?
372
00:22:19,686 --> 00:22:21,383
Probably something terrible.
373
00:22:22,558 --> 00:22:23,951
Knowing you.
374
00:22:23,994 --> 00:22:25,518
It was my fault.
375
00:22:26,736 --> 00:22:29,435
I fucking did this.
376
00:22:29,478 --> 00:22:31,350
And all I wanna do
is grab her and see her
377
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:33,352
and tell her that I'm sorry,
and I can't.
378
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:37,007
She's gone.
379
00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:40,837
BLIND AL: Sweetheart,
can you speak up?
380
00:22:40,881 --> 00:22:42,143
It's a little hard
to hear you
381
00:22:42,186 --> 00:22:43,884
with that pity dick
in your mouth.
382
00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:46,974
Now, look, sugar.
You need to just keep living.
383
00:22:47,017 --> 00:22:48,323
Thank you...
384
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,370
Matthew McConaughey,
your words are a treasure.
385
00:22:51,413 --> 00:22:53,459
Listen to the pain.
386
00:22:53,502 --> 00:22:56,287
It's both history teacher
and fortune teller.
387
00:22:56,331 --> 00:22:59,943
Pain teaches us
who we are, Wade.
388
00:22:59,987 --> 00:23:03,860
Sometimes, it's so bad,
we feel like we're dying.
389
00:23:03,904 --> 00:23:06,602
But we can't really live till
we've died a little, can we?
390
00:23:09,126 --> 00:23:10,345
Wade?
391
00:23:12,782 --> 00:23:14,958
Wade? I'm right here, Althea.
392
00:23:15,002 --> 00:23:17,613
And that is
the most beautiful thing
393
00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:18,875
I've ever heard.
394
00:23:19,615 --> 00:23:21,182
And you're absolutely right.
395
00:23:23,924 --> 00:23:25,012
[COUGHS]
396
00:23:25,055 --> 00:23:27,406
I'm about to do
something terrible.
397
00:23:29,146 --> 00:23:30,583
[BLUES ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
398
00:23:33,455 --> 00:23:34,717
DEADPOOL:
Precious, aren't they?
399
00:23:35,544 --> 00:23:36,980
Whoa!
400
00:23:37,024 --> 00:23:38,460
Are you a superhero?
401
00:23:38,504 --> 00:23:40,201
Fucking A, sweetie.
402
00:23:40,244 --> 00:23:41,811
What's your name?
403
00:23:41,855 --> 00:23:43,639
Captain Delicious Pants.
404
00:23:43,683 --> 00:23:45,859
Who's Captain Delicious Pants?
405
00:23:47,643 --> 00:23:49,689
[KIDS SCREAMING]
[ANIMAL GROWLING]
406
00:24:11,232 --> 00:24:13,234
I can't believe
he's still alive.
407
00:24:13,277 --> 00:24:15,758
I can't believe you left
the house in that shirt.
408
00:24:17,238 --> 00:24:19,196
There's gotta be
some way to die.
409
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,285
I just need to die harder.
410
00:24:21,329 --> 00:24:22,548
Trademark Fox.
411
00:24:22,591 --> 00:24:23,592
Y'all caught up now?
412
00:24:32,862 --> 00:24:35,474
[OVERLAPPING VOICES]
413
00:24:36,866 --> 00:24:38,520
VANESSA: Open for business.
414
00:24:38,564 --> 00:24:40,827
[OVERLAPPING VOICES CONTINUE]
415
00:24:42,393 --> 00:24:44,526
WADE: Your crazy
matches my crazy.
416
00:24:44,570 --> 00:24:46,722
VANESSA: I will never, ever
let our child be named Todd.
417
00:24:46,746 --> 00:24:48,008
WADE: Skee-Ball token.
418
00:24:48,051 --> 00:24:49,331
You're a lot smarter
than I look.
419
00:24:49,575 --> 00:24:51,272
[VOICES ECHOING]
420
00:24:55,232 --> 00:24:56,514
WADE: About why
we're so good together.
421
00:24:56,538 --> 00:24:57,733
VANESSA: I love you,
Wade Wilson.
422
00:24:57,757 --> 00:24:59,236
[GASPS]
423
00:25:00,368 --> 00:25:01,761
WADE: Ness?
424
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:04,372
Ness?
425
00:25:05,199 --> 00:25:06,766
Ness.
426
00:25:06,809 --> 00:25:09,508
Ness, there's something here.
I can't get to you.
427
00:25:11,205 --> 00:25:13,729
Your heart's not
in the right place.
428
00:25:13,773 --> 00:25:16,427
[STAMMERS]
Wait, hold on. What?
429
00:25:16,471 --> 00:25:18,560
Your heart's not
in the right place.
430
00:25:18,604 --> 00:25:19,996
Wait. What do you mean
431
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:21,104
my heart's not in the right
place? What does it...
432
00:25:21,128 --> 00:25:22,564
[TIMER TICKING]
433
00:25:24,610 --> 00:25:25,610
[TIMER DINGS]
434
00:25:41,235 --> 00:25:43,759
I'm terribly sorry
for your loss, Wade.
435
00:25:44,238 --> 00:25:45,369
You're broken.
436
00:25:45,413 --> 00:25:48,372
DEADPOOL: Oh, God.
I know that voice.
437
00:26:09,437 --> 00:26:10,873
HEADMASTER: Well, Russell.
438
00:26:10,917 --> 00:26:13,572
I hear you're handy
at picking locks.
439
00:26:14,964 --> 00:26:17,184
There will be no need
for that here.
440
00:26:17,227 --> 00:26:20,535
There's no locks on our doors,
no bars on our windows.
441
00:26:21,884 --> 00:26:23,930
I know what you're thinking.
442
00:26:23,973 --> 00:26:26,628
Why don't the kids just run?
443
00:26:26,672 --> 00:26:29,631
Who would choose to stay
in such a place?
444
00:26:29,675 --> 00:26:32,155
You stay because...
445
00:26:32,199 --> 00:26:36,943
deep down inside, you know
you're unfit to leave.
446
00:26:40,729 --> 00:26:42,339
Don't worry.
447
00:26:43,514 --> 00:26:45,168
We can fix that.
448
00:26:49,999 --> 00:26:53,742
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand.
449
00:27:15,721 --> 00:27:17,418
DEADPOOL:
"Heart's in the right place."
450
00:27:17,461 --> 00:27:18,917
"Heart's in the right..."
What does that mean?
451
00:27:18,941 --> 00:27:20,856
COLOSSUS:
Take your mask off, Wade.
452
00:27:20,900 --> 00:27:22,597
I wish you'd said "pants".
453
00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:23,859
Let's play a game.
454
00:27:23,903 --> 00:27:26,427
It's called
"Adrien Brody or Adam Brody?".
455
00:27:26,470 --> 00:27:28,821
Now, close your eyes
and open your mouth.
456
00:27:28,864 --> 00:27:30,692
COLOSSUS: You don't need
to be funny here.
457
00:27:31,301 --> 00:27:32,563
We must talk.
458
00:27:32,607 --> 00:27:35,088
You need fresh start. [GROANS]
459
00:27:35,131 --> 00:27:36,698
Such a glare.
460
00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:39,005
It's like I'm on stage
at the Gaiety.
461
00:27:39,048 --> 00:27:41,660
With training,
you can be X-Man.
462
00:27:41,703 --> 00:27:43,792
You're wasting your time,
Shiny Jesus.
463
00:27:43,836 --> 00:27:45,141
I'm not X-Man material.
464
00:27:45,185 --> 00:27:46,752
Understatement of the year.
465
00:27:47,230 --> 00:27:48,231
Wade, Yukio.
466
00:27:48,710 --> 00:27:50,625
Yukio, Wade.
467
00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:52,758
What in the fuck knuckles
is this?
468
00:27:52,801 --> 00:27:55,456
She's my girlfriend,
you intolerant shit.
469
00:27:55,499 --> 00:27:57,327
Whoa! Pump the hate brakes,
Fox & Friends.
470
00:27:57,371 --> 00:27:59,242
I'm just surprised
anyone would date you.
471
00:27:59,286 --> 00:28:01,897
Especially Pinkie Pie
from My Little Pony.
472
00:28:01,941 --> 00:28:03,769
I like this guy.
473
00:28:03,812 --> 00:28:05,901
Give him a chance.
474
00:28:05,945 --> 00:28:07,052
It's great seeing you
like this.
475
00:28:07,076 --> 00:28:09,252
[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY] Yeah.
476
00:28:09,731 --> 00:28:11,037
Bye, Wade!
477
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,561
Now, some ground rules
while under our roof.
478
00:28:13,604 --> 00:28:16,390
"Rule number one.
No killing...
479
00:28:16,433 --> 00:28:19,872
"anyone ever,
no matter how bad.
480
00:28:19,915 --> 00:28:22,570
"Rule two. Label everything
in refrigerator."
481
00:28:22,613 --> 00:28:23,614
Wade?
482
00:28:24,485 --> 00:28:25,747
Wade?
483
00:28:25,791 --> 00:28:27,618
Don't try to chase me. Wade!
484
00:28:27,662 --> 00:28:29,751
I'm not ready
to be touched again.
485
00:28:29,795 --> 00:28:32,014
All these old guys
on the wall.
486
00:28:32,058 --> 00:28:34,147
Who lives here,
Calista Flockhart?
487
00:28:35,061 --> 00:28:36,410
[OBJECTS SHATTERING]
488
00:28:36,453 --> 00:28:39,369
Those were already damaged
after they fell there!
489
00:28:39,413 --> 00:28:41,284
What am I supposed
to do around here, anyway?
490
00:28:41,328 --> 00:28:43,591
Sit in a share circle,
talk about my feelings?
491
00:28:43,634 --> 00:28:46,507
And how would I
do that exactly?
492
00:28:46,550 --> 00:28:48,988
'Cause where the fuck
is everyone?
493
00:28:49,031 --> 00:28:50,250
It's always just you
494
00:28:50,293 --> 00:28:51,618
and Negasonic Teenage
Longest Name Ever...
495
00:28:51,642 --> 00:28:52,861
Enough!
496
00:28:52,905 --> 00:28:54,733
[GASPS] I said no touching!
497
00:28:56,517 --> 00:28:59,781
What the fuck?
498
00:28:59,825 --> 00:29:02,001
You'd think the studio
would throw us a bone.
499
00:29:02,044 --> 00:29:04,873
One that doesn't end up
in my mouth.
500
00:29:04,917 --> 00:29:06,111
The first movie
made more money
501
00:29:06,135 --> 00:29:08,485
than the guy
who invented pants.
502
00:29:08,529 --> 00:29:10,705
They can't just dust off
one of the famous X-Men?
503
00:29:10,749 --> 00:29:12,838
How 'bout that putz
with the giant pigeon wings?
504
00:29:12,881 --> 00:29:14,187
What do those do anyway, huh?
505
00:29:14,230 --> 00:29:15,710
Carry him
three feet off the ground
506
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:17,799
to snatch up
the nearest muffin crumb?
507
00:29:17,843 --> 00:29:20,019
[DOORS CLOSE] No, no, no!
508
00:29:20,062 --> 00:29:22,804
I am not X-Man material
at all.
509
00:29:22,848 --> 00:29:25,502
First off...
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
510
00:29:25,546 --> 00:29:27,591
I'm not even a virgin.
Second and more... [GROANS]
511
00:29:28,288 --> 00:29:29,768
[GRUNTS]
512
00:29:29,811 --> 00:29:30,856
I should have left you
513
00:29:30,899 --> 00:29:32,640
in the self-pitying mess
I found you in.
514
00:29:32,683 --> 00:29:35,774
But this is what friends do.
They show up!
515
00:29:35,817 --> 00:29:37,819
Not when convenient or easy.
516
00:29:37,863 --> 00:29:42,171
When hard,
and you always make it hard.
517
00:29:42,215 --> 00:29:44,695
[BREATHING HEAVILY] You are unwell.
518
00:29:44,739 --> 00:29:46,828
I'm sticking my neck out
bringing you here.
519
00:29:46,872 --> 00:29:48,787
[STRAINING] Wait.
One of the assholes
520
00:29:48,830 --> 00:29:50,310
who killed Vanessa got away.
521
00:29:51,050 --> 00:29:52,138
[GRUNTS]
522
00:29:52,878 --> 00:29:55,054
Oh, Jesus Christ!
523
00:29:55,097 --> 00:29:56,988
I thought you were gonna
kiss me for a second there.
524
00:29:57,012 --> 00:29:58,947
Please know I wouldn't be
able to stop you if you did.
525
00:29:58,971 --> 00:30:01,016
Wade, whoever they are...
526
00:30:01,060 --> 00:30:03,410
we track them down
and bring them to justice.
527
00:30:03,976 --> 00:30:05,412
It was me.
528
00:30:08,241 --> 00:30:10,896
I'm the asshole who got away.
529
00:30:10,939 --> 00:30:14,073
I killed every last one
of them, except me.
530
00:30:14,116 --> 00:30:15,814
Couldn't kill me.
531
00:30:18,947 --> 00:30:20,949
We were gonna start a family.
532
00:30:22,777 --> 00:30:24,735
We were, uh... [SNIFFLES]
533
00:30:24,779 --> 00:30:25,911
[CLEARS THROAT]
534
00:30:25,954 --> 00:30:27,695
We were gonna be a family.
535
00:30:28,478 --> 00:30:29,610
COLOSSUS: Wade...
536
00:30:29,653 --> 00:30:32,439
Vanessa is gone.
She's not coming back.
537
00:30:34,006 --> 00:30:36,356
This may not be
family you want...
538
00:30:36,399 --> 00:30:38,837
but it's family you need.
539
00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:40,142
You have a good heart.
540
00:30:40,186 --> 00:30:41,752
It belongs here
where it can grow.
541
00:30:43,537 --> 00:30:44,538
What did you say?
542
00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:47,889
About my heart?
543
00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:53,286
[EXHALES]
544
00:30:53,329 --> 00:30:55,331
I think
I'm in the right place.
545
00:31:05,341 --> 00:31:06,908
[GRUNTS]
546
00:31:52,736 --> 00:31:54,042
[INAUDIBLE]
547
00:31:58,612 --> 00:32:00,135
[SCREAMING]
548
00:32:03,138 --> 00:32:05,967
MAN: I'mma tell you
what the big lie is.
549
00:32:06,011 --> 00:32:07,621
[ESCAPEPLAYING ON RADIO] Toilet paper.
550
00:32:07,664 --> 00:32:09,057
What's so bad
about toilet paper?
551
00:32:09,101 --> 00:32:10,319
Gets the job done.
552
00:32:10,363 --> 00:32:13,235
Does it really
get the job done?
553
00:32:13,279 --> 00:32:15,498
All right. Say you wake up
tomorrow morning...
554
00:32:15,542 --> 00:32:20,242
and, hypothetically, find some
fresh shit on your face.
555
00:32:20,286 --> 00:32:22,003
Your cheek, maybe
a little bit in the beard.
556
00:32:22,027 --> 00:32:23,743
What the hell?
I'm about to be fucking sick!
557
00:32:23,767 --> 00:32:24,855
What do you do?
558
00:32:24,899 --> 00:32:26,205
Do you go to a bathroom
559
00:32:26,248 --> 00:32:27,946
and tear off
a piece of dry tissue...
560
00:32:27,989 --> 00:32:29,860
and rub it around
on your beard a little bit
561
00:32:29,904 --> 00:32:31,471
and then go on,
get on with your day?
562
00:32:31,514 --> 00:32:33,125
Go to church,
maybe dinner and a movie,
563
00:32:33,168 --> 00:32:34,300
like nothing happened?
564
00:32:34,343 --> 00:32:35,736
Where is this
coming from, man?
565
00:32:35,779 --> 00:32:36,998
But something did happen.
566
00:32:37,042 --> 00:32:38,521
Your face smells like shit.
Right?
567
00:32:38,565 --> 00:32:40,132
So what you would do,
568
00:32:40,175 --> 00:32:42,438
is you would get some soap,
you'd get some hot water...
569
00:32:42,482 --> 00:32:44,832
and you would scrub
the fucking shit
570
00:32:44,875 --> 00:32:46,877
out of your beard
for 10 straight minutes.
571
00:32:46,921 --> 00:32:48,618
You could not
scrub it enough.
572
00:32:48,662 --> 00:32:50,316
Are you trying
to make me feel disgusting?
573
00:32:50,359 --> 00:32:51,578
I'm starting to feel...
574
00:32:51,621 --> 00:32:54,320
Toilet paper is
a pretty fine appetizer.
575
00:32:54,363 --> 00:32:56,670
But, then...
576
00:32:56,713 --> 00:32:59,020
Huggies Natural Care
wet wipes.
577
00:32:59,064 --> 00:33:00,456
That's your main course.
578
00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:04,417
They're soft, they're moist.
They're for babies.
579
00:33:04,460 --> 00:33:07,246
Finally, one more pass
with toilet paper,
580
00:33:07,289 --> 00:33:09,204
maybe clear out
that excess moisture.
581
00:33:09,248 --> 00:33:10,901
Maybe treat yourself
to a blow and go,
582
00:33:10,945 --> 00:33:12,251
if you can get you
a hair dryer.
583
00:33:12,294 --> 00:33:14,644
Just about 30 seconds
would do you good.
584
00:33:18,344 --> 00:33:19,345
The fuck?
585
00:33:20,607 --> 00:33:21,651
Year.
586
00:33:22,652 --> 00:33:23,653
What?
587
00:33:24,872 --> 00:33:26,526
What year is it?
588
00:33:26,569 --> 00:33:29,007
What kind of dumbass question
is that to ask?
589
00:33:35,361 --> 00:33:38,320
[ESCAPECONTINUES
PLAYING ON RADIO]
590
00:33:43,064 --> 00:33:44,718
[ALARM RINGING]
591
00:33:46,111 --> 00:33:48,243
[SIRENS APPROACHING]
592
00:33:59,776 --> 00:34:02,562
INSTRUCTOR: We have 8 weeks of
boot camp ahead of us, men.
593
00:34:02,605 --> 00:34:03,954
That'll get us
toned and prepared
594
00:34:03,998 --> 00:34:05,565
for all manner of combat.
595
00:34:07,654 --> 00:34:11,875
Not working out at all.
596
00:34:11,919 --> 00:34:13,573
Masking tape.
597
00:34:13,616 --> 00:34:15,966
It is no friend
to chilled aluminum.
598
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:19,057
Velcro.
Color-coded, efficient,
599
00:34:19,100 --> 00:34:20,145
environmentally friendly.
600
00:34:20,928 --> 00:34:22,495
Who is he talking to?
601
00:34:22,538 --> 00:34:24,212
And why is he dressed like
a registered sex offender?
602
00:34:24,236 --> 00:34:26,238
Can we focus
for a moment, ladies?
603
00:34:26,281 --> 00:34:28,588
Please, we need to talk about
next month's meal plan.
604
00:34:28,631 --> 00:34:30,416
Obviously,
everyone hated the ceviche.
605
00:34:30,459 --> 00:34:31,808
I read the suggestion box.
606
00:34:31,852 --> 00:34:33,462
I'm gonna stop you
right there.
607
00:34:33,506 --> 00:34:35,508
I see through this weak act.
608
00:34:35,551 --> 00:34:39,903
You may have fooled Colossus
with this nice guy shit...
609
00:34:39,947 --> 00:34:41,122
but not me.
610
00:34:41,166 --> 00:34:42,254
Don't be mean.
611
00:34:42,297 --> 00:34:43,646
Back off, NTW.
612
00:34:43,690 --> 00:34:45,909
No, no, no. Let her go.
613
00:34:45,953 --> 00:34:47,128
Let her go, it's okay.
614
00:34:47,172 --> 00:34:48,738
She has a right
to be skeptical.
615
00:34:48,782 --> 00:34:51,393
Look at me.
I'm an easy target.
616
00:34:52,568 --> 00:34:53,961
You know, historically,
617
00:34:54,004 --> 00:34:55,919
mischief has been
my mistress...
618
00:34:55,963 --> 00:34:58,618
so I understand, you know.
But I like to think...
619
00:35:00,228 --> 00:35:03,536
that you guys have
really rubbed off on me.
620
00:35:03,579 --> 00:35:05,659
I like to think that I've
rubbed off around you, too.
621
00:35:07,627 --> 00:35:09,585
A lot.
622
00:35:09,629 --> 00:35:12,284
And for the first time
in a long while...
623
00:35:12,327 --> 00:35:13,502
I like me.
624
00:35:15,722 --> 00:35:18,246
I accept your apology. I never apologized.
625
00:35:18,290 --> 00:35:19,856
I was talking to your heart.
626
00:35:19,900 --> 00:35:22,294
See? You're not
lost cause you thought.
627
00:35:22,337 --> 00:35:25,558
I'm proud. You're everything
I knew you can be.
628
00:35:25,601 --> 00:35:27,603
Thank you, Colossus.
629
00:35:27,647 --> 00:35:29,257
Just trying to be
the world's best X-Man.
630
00:35:29,301 --> 00:35:30,737
Sorry, X-Person.
631
00:35:32,304 --> 00:35:35,002
Hmm. Something wrong
with the soap.
632
00:35:35,045 --> 00:35:36,656
It's fine.
633
00:35:36,699 --> 00:35:38,919
I just filled it. Give it
a few more pumps there.
634
00:35:40,138 --> 00:35:42,618
Now, if you'll excuse me...
635
00:35:42,662 --> 00:35:44,446
it's dust bunny season...
636
00:35:44,490 --> 00:35:45,491
and I'm hunting wabbits.
637
00:35:46,231 --> 00:35:47,319
Bye, Wade!
638
00:35:49,495 --> 00:35:52,062
[MOUTHING] Fuck.
[MOUTHING] Fuck you.
639
00:35:58,199 --> 00:35:59,679
[BELL CONTINUES RINGING]
640
00:36:01,681 --> 00:36:03,683
[BELL STOPS RINGING]
641
00:36:03,726 --> 00:36:06,294
HEADMASTER:
No one is born perfect.
642
00:36:06,338 --> 00:36:08,340
But you can be.
643
00:36:08,383 --> 00:36:10,733
I know you're doing
what comes naturally.
644
00:36:15,042 --> 00:36:16,870
You can't help yourself.
645
00:36:20,743 --> 00:36:22,832
But you can.
646
00:36:22,876 --> 00:36:25,966
It takes work, discipline...
647
00:36:26,009 --> 00:36:27,228
and treatment.
648
00:36:27,272 --> 00:36:28,969
Your abilities...
649
00:36:30,927 --> 00:36:33,713
I know how seductive they are.
650
00:36:33,756 --> 00:36:36,890
How powerful
they make you feel.
651
00:36:36,933 --> 00:36:39,458
But you must learn
never to use them...
652
00:36:39,501 --> 00:36:42,112
so they will never use you.
653
00:36:45,725 --> 00:36:46,943
[CRYING]
654
00:36:48,336 --> 00:36:49,946
Please don't cry.
655
00:36:50,773 --> 00:36:52,384
I'm going to help.
656
00:36:52,427 --> 00:36:55,604
I'm gonna make you feel
what you should feel.
657
00:36:55,648 --> 00:36:58,172
How you need to feel...
658
00:36:58,216 --> 00:37:01,567
every time you're tempted
to act upon your urges.
659
00:37:01,610 --> 00:37:05,527
Suck my mutant dick,
you four-eyed fuck.
660
00:37:08,095 --> 00:37:10,053
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[GRUNTING]
661
00:37:15,494 --> 00:37:16,495
[SCREAMS]
662
00:37:19,933 --> 00:37:21,151
COLOSSUS: Wade.
663
00:37:22,152 --> 00:37:23,719
Wade!
664
00:37:23,763 --> 00:37:25,852
Come in!
Hey, I was just doing
665
00:37:25,895 --> 00:37:27,810
a little bit
of light reading here...
666
00:37:27,854 --> 00:37:29,290
We have mission.
667
00:37:29,334 --> 00:37:30,857
Well, you guys be
safe out there.
668
00:37:30,900 --> 00:37:32,162
I'll be praying for you.
669
00:37:32,206 --> 00:37:34,600
No, I want you to join.
670
00:37:35,818 --> 00:37:36,993
I'm sorry, what?
671
00:37:37,037 --> 00:37:38,647
You heard me.
672
00:37:38,691 --> 00:37:41,084
Trust me,
that's a terrible idea.
673
00:37:41,128 --> 00:37:42,216
I'm really not ready.
674
00:37:42,260 --> 00:37:43,957
You are ready. I'm not.
675
00:37:44,000 --> 00:37:45,872
Be at the X-Jet in five.
676
00:37:45,915 --> 00:37:47,090
I can do thirty.
677
00:37:47,134 --> 00:37:49,092
Now. I can do now.
678
00:37:49,136 --> 00:37:50,355
Final offer.
679
00:37:50,398 --> 00:37:52,966
REPORTER: Irene Merryweather, WHIT News.
680
00:37:53,009 --> 00:37:55,011
Live here
at a breaking news situation
681
00:37:55,055 --> 00:37:57,710
at the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation.
682
00:37:57,753 --> 00:37:59,712
A mutant boy
is appearing to have
683
00:37:59,755 --> 00:38:01,235
some sort of an incident...
684
00:38:01,279 --> 00:38:02,778
with police here behind me.
RUSSELL: Get away from me!
685
00:38:02,802 --> 00:38:05,239
There are two police vehicles
that are overturned.
686
00:38:05,283 --> 00:38:06,738
There are open fires. Fuck off! Stay back!
687
00:38:06,762 --> 00:38:07,826
REPORTER: A scene of
absolute chaos here.
688
00:38:07,850 --> 00:38:08,982
OFFICER: Calm down.
689
00:38:09,025 --> 00:38:11,637
RUSSELL: I'll burn you!
You stay back!
690
00:38:12,377 --> 00:38:14,161
Get away from me!
691
00:38:14,204 --> 00:38:16,685
You wanna fucking die?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
692
00:38:31,700 --> 00:38:34,921
And it appears as if the X-Men
are arriving...
693
00:38:34,964 --> 00:38:36,488
DEADPOOL: Scatter!
694
00:38:36,531 --> 00:38:38,533
REPORTER: ...with what appears
to be a trainee.
695
00:38:38,577 --> 00:38:41,580
DEADPOOL: Everyone, calm down!
The pros are here. I...
696
00:38:41,623 --> 00:38:42,798
We're the X-Men!
697
00:38:42,842 --> 00:38:45,366
A dated metaphor for racism
in the '60s.
698
00:38:45,410 --> 00:38:47,934
So, respect.
699
00:38:47,977 --> 00:38:49,239
At ease, Officer.
700
00:38:50,806 --> 00:38:52,330
What are you doing?
701
00:38:52,808 --> 00:38:54,114
My job!
702
00:38:54,157 --> 00:38:55,557
You're the one who said
I was ready,
703
00:38:55,594 --> 00:38:57,117
and I frankly disagreed
with you.
704
00:38:57,160 --> 00:38:59,554
But here we are, trying to
overcome our differences.
705
00:38:59,598 --> 00:39:02,035
Like Beyonce says, "Please...
706
00:39:02,862 --> 00:39:04,254
"Please, stop cheating on me."
707
00:39:04,298 --> 00:39:05,386
OFFICER: Hey!
708
00:39:05,430 --> 00:39:06,822
This is the fifth incident.
709
00:39:06,866 --> 00:39:09,085
This kid needs to be
in the Ice Box, not here.
710
00:39:09,129 --> 00:39:10,783
Russell belongs in our care.
711
00:39:10,826 --> 00:39:12,611
Not in prison.
I assure you...
712
00:39:12,654 --> 00:39:13,805
we have everything
under control.
713
00:39:13,829 --> 00:39:14,937
RUSSELL: Stay back!
I'll burn you!
714
00:39:14,961 --> 00:39:16,179
Not getting a real
715
00:39:16,223 --> 00:39:18,312
"under control"
vibe here, Marty.
716
00:39:18,356 --> 00:39:20,401
It is Glen, isn't it? Daniel.
717
00:39:20,445 --> 00:39:21,663
I'll ask the questions,
Miguel.
718
00:39:21,707 --> 00:39:23,056
Let me talk to the kid.
719
00:39:23,099 --> 00:39:27,930
You stay here with your weird,
secret sex lips.
720
00:39:29,671 --> 00:39:30,716
RUSSELL: You wanna die?
721
00:39:30,759 --> 00:39:31,954
DEADPOOL: This kid's adorable.
722
00:39:31,978 --> 00:39:32,998
I don't know why I packed
the hollow points.
723
00:39:33,022 --> 00:39:34,197
I'll burn your balls off!
724
00:39:34,241 --> 00:39:37,592
First day. [CHUCKLING]
I'm so nervous!
725
00:39:37,636 --> 00:39:39,202
Did you just say
"hollow points"?
726
00:39:39,246 --> 00:39:40,595
Yeah, probably should've
727
00:39:40,639 --> 00:39:42,684
brought a Super Soaker.
[LAUGHS]
728
00:39:43,250 --> 00:39:44,251
Hi, there!
729
00:39:45,513 --> 00:39:48,037
Stay back
or Justin Bieber dies!
730
00:39:48,081 --> 00:39:51,563
[LAUGHS] Justin Bieber.
He called you Justin Bieber.
731
00:39:52,955 --> 00:39:54,629
[RUSSELL GRUNTS]
Hold on! Wait, wait, wait!
732
00:39:54,653 --> 00:39:57,786
Okay, let's not do
whatever that is.
733
00:39:57,830 --> 00:39:59,353
Okay? Let's just talk!
734
00:39:59,397 --> 00:40:01,007
It's Russell, right?
735
00:40:01,050 --> 00:40:03,313
Firefist.Firefist.
736
00:40:03,357 --> 00:40:05,577
Ooh, that's a great name.
Where does it burn?
737
00:40:05,620 --> 00:40:07,420
Just the fist, or all the way
up to the elbow?
738
00:40:08,014 --> 00:40:09,276
[GRUNTS]
739
00:40:10,756 --> 00:40:12,061
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
740
00:40:12,105 --> 00:40:14,760
[CHUCKLES] Definitely all
the way up to the elbow.
741
00:40:14,803 --> 00:40:17,632
Come quietly,
or there will be trouble.
742
00:40:17,676 --> 00:40:20,461
You stole that from Robocop!
That's from Robocop!
743
00:40:20,505 --> 00:40:22,158
Just stand down!
744
00:40:22,202 --> 00:40:24,291
You're embarrassing me.
Look, Fire...
745
00:40:24,334 --> 00:40:25,597
[LAUGHS]
746
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,164
Oh, my God! I can't say it!
I'm so sorry!
747
00:40:28,208 --> 00:40:29,209
[GRUNTS]
748
00:40:30,166 --> 00:40:32,647
[ALL SCREAMING]
749
00:40:32,691 --> 00:40:36,695
Oh, shit!
That fucking does it!
750
00:40:36,738 --> 00:40:38,131
Put your hands
behind your knees
751
00:40:38,174 --> 00:40:39,654
and get down
on your head! Now!
752
00:40:39,698 --> 00:40:41,961
Wade! What was first rule?
753
00:40:42,004 --> 00:40:43,963
Label everything
in the refrigerator!
754
00:40:44,006 --> 00:40:46,618
Do not escalate!
Rules are meant to be broken!
755
00:40:46,661 --> 00:40:48,097
COLOSSUS:
That's the exact opposite
756
00:40:48,141 --> 00:40:49,490
of what they're meant for!
757
00:40:50,535 --> 00:40:52,493
Fuck! Fine!
758
00:40:52,537 --> 00:40:54,147
I'll start from the beginning.
759
00:40:54,190 --> 00:40:56,541
My name is Deadpool,
and I'm an X-Man.
760
00:40:56,584 --> 00:40:58,543
Trainee! Shut it!
761
00:40:59,500 --> 00:41:01,763
Look, I get it.
762
00:41:02,938 --> 00:41:04,549
All right, you're scared.
763
00:41:05,114 --> 00:41:06,202
Alone.
764
00:41:06,246 --> 00:41:07,334
You got no family.
765
00:41:07,377 --> 00:41:08,442
I didn't have
a family, either.
766
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,206
You live in this dump.
Guess what?
767
00:41:10,250 --> 00:41:11,947
I used to live in a shithole
just like it.
768
00:41:12,861 --> 00:41:14,210
But you know something?
769
00:41:14,254 --> 00:41:15,995
A wise woman
once said to me...
770
00:41:16,038 --> 00:41:17,518
"Speak up."
771
00:41:17,562 --> 00:41:20,390
"I can't hear you with that
pity dick in your mouth."
772
00:41:20,434 --> 00:41:22,044
Too much? I went too far.
773
00:41:22,088 --> 00:41:23,350
[GRUNTS]
[ALL EXCLAIM]
774
00:41:30,009 --> 00:41:31,532
That was effervescent.
775
00:41:31,576 --> 00:41:33,839
[SIGHS] Stay in school, kid.
776
00:41:33,882 --> 00:41:35,710
Or don't. I didn't.
777
00:41:35,754 --> 00:41:37,364
And I'm an X-Man.
[THUDS]
778
00:41:37,407 --> 00:41:38,539
Trainee.
779
00:41:38,583 --> 00:41:39,932
Fuck it!
780
00:41:39,975 --> 00:41:41,716
Superhero landing coming up!
781
00:41:43,849 --> 00:41:45,285
[GRUNTS]
782
00:41:45,328 --> 00:41:46,982
Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!
783
00:41:47,026 --> 00:41:49,115
[GROANS]
That is so not practical.
784
00:41:49,158 --> 00:41:50,682
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
785
00:41:52,466 --> 00:41:53,641
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
786
00:41:59,212 --> 00:42:00,430
[GROANS]
787
00:42:04,783 --> 00:42:07,133
[CROWD CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING]
788
00:42:09,614 --> 00:42:11,746
I could get used
to this X-Man shit.
789
00:42:11,790 --> 00:42:12,941
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Trainee!
790
00:42:12,965 --> 00:42:14,183
DEADPOOL: Trainee!
791
00:42:14,227 --> 00:42:16,011
OFFICER: Get a power restraint
on him. Now!
792
00:42:16,055 --> 00:42:19,275
DEADPOOL: Calm down, squirt.
It's over. We got ya.
793
00:42:19,972 --> 00:42:21,103
[DEVICE WHIRRS]
794
00:42:21,147 --> 00:42:22,670
What's that do?
795
00:42:22,714 --> 00:42:24,237
Power-dampening collar.
796
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:25,586
Shuts down
all mutant abilities.
797
00:42:25,630 --> 00:42:28,458
You can't get it off.
Unless you've got a grenade.
798
00:42:28,502 --> 00:42:31,505
Huh. Could've used
one of those in the first act.
799
00:42:31,549 --> 00:42:32,767
HEADMASTER: Thank you!
800
00:42:34,639 --> 00:42:36,858
That was absolutely thrilling.
801
00:42:36,902 --> 00:42:39,121
True heroism in action.
802
00:42:39,165 --> 00:42:40,819
We are in your debt.
803
00:42:41,646 --> 00:42:43,299
We can take it from here.
804
00:42:43,343 --> 00:42:45,563
Take me
to the Ice Box, please!
805
00:42:45,606 --> 00:42:46,781
Anywhere's better than here.
806
00:42:46,825 --> 00:42:48,087
DEADPOOL: Believe me, son,
807
00:42:48,130 --> 00:42:49,871
you do not wanna go
to the Ice Box.
808
00:42:49,915 --> 00:42:52,526
That place makes Hitler's anus
look like Waikiki.
809
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:54,441
Let's get you inside,
young man.
810
00:42:54,484 --> 00:42:56,486
No, wait, wait. Wait.
811
00:42:56,530 --> 00:42:58,010
You guys stay there.
812
00:43:08,107 --> 00:43:09,717
Those guys hurt you?
813
00:43:11,153 --> 00:43:12,198
Who?
814
00:43:14,243 --> 00:43:16,942
Baldilocks? Jared Kushner?
815
00:43:18,421 --> 00:43:19,901
Both of 'em?
816
00:43:23,644 --> 00:43:25,341
Oh, fuck it.
817
00:43:25,385 --> 00:43:26,952
Four or five moments!
818
00:43:26,995 --> 00:43:28,040
I'm sorry?
819
00:43:28,083 --> 00:43:31,260
Four or five moments!
820
00:43:32,522 --> 00:43:35,264
That's all it takes
to be a hero.
821
00:43:36,309 --> 00:43:38,616
People think
you wake up a hero...
822
00:43:38,659 --> 00:43:40,792
brush your teeth a hero...
823
00:43:40,835 --> 00:43:43,751
ejaculate into
a soap dispenser a hero.
824
00:43:43,795 --> 00:43:45,144
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
825
00:43:45,187 --> 00:43:48,887
But, no, being a hero
takes only a few moments!
826
00:43:50,236 --> 00:43:51,890
A few moments...
827
00:43:51,933 --> 00:43:54,632
doing the ugly stuff
no one else will do.
828
00:43:54,675 --> 00:43:55,720
[GROANS]
829
00:43:58,113 --> 00:43:59,245
No!
830
00:44:01,900 --> 00:44:03,181
OFFICER: Stand down!
Hold your fire!
831
00:44:03,205 --> 00:44:05,555
Wade, what did you do? Colossus, no!
832
00:44:05,599 --> 00:44:08,863
You were right, Wade.
You are not X-Men material.
833
00:44:08,907 --> 00:44:11,213
No shit, Shiny Gandhi!
834
00:44:11,257 --> 00:44:12,737
What was your first clue?
835
00:44:12,780 --> 00:44:15,914
The hollow point
through that fuckhead's face?
836
00:44:15,957 --> 00:44:17,263
That kid was abused!
837
00:44:17,306 --> 00:44:19,352
You can always tell!
COLOSSUS: We have rules!
838
00:44:19,395 --> 00:44:22,137
You are not judge,
jury or executioner!
839
00:44:22,181 --> 00:44:25,140
Fuck your rules!
I fight for what's right!
840
00:44:25,184 --> 00:44:27,012
And sometimes
you gotta fight dirty!
841
00:44:27,055 --> 00:44:30,102
You let me down
for the last time, Wade.
842
00:44:33,235 --> 00:44:35,542
OFFICER: Okay,
get these guys in the pod.
843
00:44:35,585 --> 00:44:37,762
Take them to the Ice Box.[SIRENS WAILING]
844
00:44:37,805 --> 00:44:39,677
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
845
00:44:50,818 --> 00:44:53,647
[PRISONERS SHOUTING]
[WHISTLING]
846
00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:55,562
[GATE BUZZING]
847
00:44:57,216 --> 00:44:58,347
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
[GRUNTS]
848
00:44:58,391 --> 00:44:59,392
Hey, baby!
849
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:02,743
I wonder what gang
I'll be in.
850
00:45:02,787 --> 00:45:04,266
Yeah!
851
00:45:04,310 --> 00:45:06,573
Is there, like, a Sorting Hat?
[MOUTHS] Hi.
852
00:45:08,444 --> 00:45:09,837
I've always seen myself as
853
00:45:09,881 --> 00:45:11,273
more of
an East Coast Hufflepuff.
854
00:45:12,797 --> 00:45:15,756
I've made a critical error
on my Airbnb reservation.
855
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:19,673
This is not what the website
looked like at all.
856
00:45:21,240 --> 00:45:22,981
I love the decor though.
857
00:45:23,024 --> 00:45:24,983
I had no idea
hopeless was a color.
858
00:45:25,026 --> 00:45:26,288
GUARD: Hard left, douchebag.
859
00:45:30,815 --> 00:45:32,033
Please, after you.
860
00:45:34,166 --> 00:45:36,864
Another disgusting minority
off the streets.
861
00:45:36,908 --> 00:45:38,039
We'll sleep well tonight.
862
00:45:38,083 --> 00:45:39,127
Let's get a bagel.
863
00:45:39,171 --> 00:45:42,348
[TASER CRACKLING]
[GROANING]
864
00:45:42,391 --> 00:45:45,220
Nighty-night,
you annoying prick!
865
00:45:46,308 --> 00:45:48,397
[CONTINUES GROANING]
866
00:46:15,381 --> 00:46:16,904
[VOMITING]
867
00:46:20,995 --> 00:46:22,886
RUSSELL: You're a long way
from your superpowers.
868
00:46:22,910 --> 00:46:25,347
Yeah. Just a touch of cancer.
869
00:46:25,391 --> 00:46:27,872
Not to worry,
we're old friends.
870
00:46:27,915 --> 00:46:29,134
Fuck!
871
00:46:29,177 --> 00:46:31,353
I wanted to be a superhero.
872
00:46:31,397 --> 00:46:33,355
Always wanted
a real super suit.
873
00:46:33,399 --> 00:46:34,966
[SIGHS] What happened?
874
00:46:35,009 --> 00:46:37,129
When was the last time you saw
a plus-sized superhero?
875
00:46:37,795 --> 00:46:39,274
Never.
876
00:46:39,318 --> 00:46:41,102
The industry discriminates.
877
00:46:42,190 --> 00:46:44,279
Fuck superheroes.
878
00:46:44,323 --> 00:46:46,586
The thing that
pisses me off the most...
879
00:46:46,629 --> 00:46:48,457
I never stood up
for myself in there.
880
00:46:50,068 --> 00:46:52,984
My whole life.
881
00:46:53,027 --> 00:46:56,509
I've been waiting for someone
to come and save me.
882
00:46:58,903 --> 00:47:01,862
Nobody's gonna sacrifice
anything for me.
883
00:47:05,997 --> 00:47:08,260
I gotta start taking care
of myself.
884
00:47:09,609 --> 00:47:12,351
I have a mission now.
885
00:47:12,394 --> 00:47:15,049
The first thing I wanna do
when I get out of here...
886
00:47:15,093 --> 00:47:17,443
burn the headmaster alive...
887
00:47:17,486 --> 00:47:21,186
and then take a selfie
with his smoldering corpse.
888
00:47:21,229 --> 00:47:23,666
Aw. That's, like,
my favorite part of the Bible.
889
00:47:25,407 --> 00:47:27,888
I don't have
a sock puppet on me...
890
00:47:27,932 --> 00:47:29,977
but what did he do to you?
891
00:47:30,021 --> 00:47:31,631
Did he taste the rainbow?
892
00:47:31,674 --> 00:47:33,720
I'd whisper it,
but Skittles would sue us.
893
00:47:34,895 --> 00:47:36,897
Fucker hates mutants.
894
00:47:36,941 --> 00:47:38,899
He tried to beat
the genes out of us.
895
00:47:38,943 --> 00:47:41,467
Nothing worse than
a "pray the gay away" type guy.
896
00:47:42,250 --> 00:47:43,643
Sick piece of shit.
897
00:47:45,036 --> 00:47:48,735
Tomorrow, we'll find
the biggest guy in here...
898
00:47:49,692 --> 00:47:51,390
and we'll make him our bitch!
899
00:47:51,433 --> 00:47:52,782
[RUMBLING]
900
00:47:54,045 --> 00:47:55,263
[WADE COUGHS]
901
00:47:55,307 --> 00:47:56,656
What was that? [CLEARS THROAT]
902
00:47:56,699 --> 00:47:59,267
That is the biggest guy
in here.
903
00:47:59,311 --> 00:48:01,400
Fun fact about the Ice Box...
904
00:48:01,443 --> 00:48:03,271
though no one's ever seen it,
905
00:48:03,315 --> 00:48:05,534
they keep a monster
in the basement.
906
00:48:05,578 --> 00:48:07,319
Right next to a huge,
907
00:48:07,362 --> 00:48:08,886
steaming bowl
of foreshadowing.
908
00:48:09,538 --> 00:48:10,539
Look.
909
00:48:11,540 --> 00:48:13,803
I can't protect you. [COUGHS]
910
00:48:13,847 --> 00:48:14,979
With this collar on,
911
00:48:15,022 --> 00:48:18,156
my superpower
is just unbridled cancer.
912
00:48:18,199 --> 00:48:21,681
Give me a bow and arrow,
I'm basically Hawkeye.
913
00:48:21,724 --> 00:48:23,813
Now, if you'll excuse me...
[COUGHS]
914
00:48:23,857 --> 00:48:27,034
I've got tumors to grow.
Vanessa awaits.
915
00:48:27,078 --> 00:48:29,558
I'll start by making us
a shank.
916
00:48:29,602 --> 00:48:31,517
Good listening. I stole that guard's pen...
917
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:33,519
and stashed it
in the old prison wallet,
918
00:48:33,562 --> 00:48:34,955
if you know what I'm saying.
919
00:48:34,999 --> 00:48:37,479
I really hope I don't know
what you're saying.
920
00:48:38,089 --> 00:48:39,525
[RUSSELL EXHALES]
921
00:48:39,568 --> 00:48:41,919
RUSSELL: I know it's in there,
I just need to get it out.
922
00:48:41,962 --> 00:48:44,051
Oh, Jesus Christ.
923
00:48:44,095 --> 00:48:46,749
I can hear you
rummaging around in there.
924
00:48:46,793 --> 00:48:49,187
Do they make Purell
for your ears?
925
00:48:49,230 --> 00:48:50,753
[SIREN WAILING]
926
00:48:53,713 --> 00:48:55,073
REPORTER: [ON TV]
And to update you
927
00:48:55,106 --> 00:48:56,498
on the story reported earlier,
928
00:48:56,542 --> 00:48:58,239
after a lengthy standoff
929
00:48:58,283 --> 00:49:00,894
outside the Essex House
for Mutant Rehabilitation...
930
00:49:00,938 --> 00:49:02,243
two mutants were arrested
931
00:49:02,287 --> 00:49:04,028
and transported
to the Ice Box...
932
00:49:04,071 --> 00:49:05,551
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Entering repair mode.
933
00:49:09,903 --> 00:49:11,489
REPORTER: ...several
police cars were destroyed
934
00:49:11,513 --> 00:49:13,341
and the X-Men were called in
to restore order.
935
00:49:33,231 --> 00:49:34,536
[COUGHS]
936
00:49:34,580 --> 00:49:36,582
GUARD: [ON PA]
Cells seven and nine
937
00:49:36,625 --> 00:49:40,020
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
938
00:49:40,064 --> 00:49:41,543
Cells seven and nine
939
00:49:41,587 --> 00:49:44,329
now off-limits
for medical personnel.
940
00:49:46,070 --> 00:49:47,462
Psst!
941
00:49:49,769 --> 00:49:52,119
Don't do that.
942
00:49:52,163 --> 00:49:55,035
What? Why are you
winking at me?
943
00:49:55,079 --> 00:49:56,167
[COUGHS]
944
00:49:58,647 --> 00:50:00,040
I got your back.
945
00:50:00,084 --> 00:50:01,302
Oh, my God.
946
00:50:01,346 --> 00:50:02,869
You're sick,
I gotta protect you.
947
00:50:02,912 --> 00:50:04,827
Just leave me alone, kid.
[MAN WHISTLING]
948
00:50:05,959 --> 00:50:07,004
Oh, great.
949
00:50:07,613 --> 00:50:08,831
[WADE COUGHS]
950
00:50:08,875 --> 00:50:11,399
Well, hello there, new fish.
951
00:50:11,443 --> 00:50:14,489
It's nice to see some
fresh faces around here.
952
00:50:14,533 --> 00:50:16,796
[COUGHS] I've done some
light catalog work...
953
00:50:16,839 --> 00:50:19,320
but, really, modeling is just
a stepping stone to acting.
954
00:50:19,364 --> 00:50:22,149
I was talking to him.Oh.
955
00:50:22,193 --> 00:50:25,587
Have we met?
I can't place your mustache.
956
00:50:25,631 --> 00:50:28,286
Black Tom Cassidy. White Wade Wilson.
957
00:50:28,329 --> 00:50:31,767
What's your superpower?
Cultural appropriation?
958
00:50:31,811 --> 00:50:34,379
You're supposed to be
the toughest cunt in here.
959
00:50:34,422 --> 00:50:36,990
You don't look
like much to me.
960
00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:39,471
First rule of the yard,
fuckface...
961
00:50:39,514 --> 00:50:41,560
find the biggest guy
and make him your...
962
00:50:41,603 --> 00:50:43,562
[GROANS]
[INMATES EXCLAIM]
963
00:50:45,390 --> 00:50:47,609
Second biggest guy.
964
00:50:47,653 --> 00:50:50,090
The last thing I need
is more hepatitis.
965
00:50:50,134 --> 00:50:53,702
Oh, it's slippery, too.
This table needs a wipe down!
966
00:50:53,746 --> 00:50:55,574
Can we get a wipe down
on the table?
967
00:50:55,617 --> 00:50:56,836
[GROANS]
[INMATES EXCLAIM]
968
00:50:56,879 --> 00:50:59,099
Kid, I think you picked
the wrong side.
969
00:50:59,143 --> 00:51:01,493
No, I didn't!
He's my friend!
970
00:51:01,536 --> 00:51:03,799
Zip it. We're not friends.
[INMATES CHEERING]
971
00:51:05,497 --> 00:51:06,777
You're about to get
dick-slapped.
972
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:10,197
[INMATES SHOUTING]
[COUGHS]
973
00:51:11,720 --> 00:51:13,287
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
974
00:51:19,163 --> 00:51:20,903
I had so much fun!
You were like... [GRUNTS]
975
00:51:20,947 --> 00:51:23,036
And I was like,
"Take a seat, shit dick."
976
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:24,820
Just let me die in peace.
977
00:51:24,864 --> 00:51:26,996
[GRUNTS]
We make a great team!
978
00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:29,608
Oh, God! We're not a team.
[COUGHING]
979
00:51:29,651 --> 00:51:34,003
Why'd you say that back there?
We're friends, partners.
980
00:51:34,047 --> 00:51:36,441
We're not partners
or friends.
981
00:51:37,877 --> 00:51:39,966
This doesn't end with us
riding into the sunset.
982
00:51:40,009 --> 00:51:42,186
It ends with me
dying of cancer...
983
00:51:42,229 --> 00:51:46,103
and you winning the Ice Box
award for softest mouth.
984
00:51:46,146 --> 00:51:47,495
[WADE COUGHS]
985
00:51:47,539 --> 00:51:49,149
There's only one person
in this world
986
00:51:49,193 --> 00:51:50,977
that I care about,
and she's gone.
987
00:51:52,761 --> 00:51:55,938
You wanna survive?
988
00:51:55,982 --> 00:51:59,290
Stop trying to shank
the biggest guys in here...
989
00:51:59,333 --> 00:52:01,205
and make friends with them.
990
00:52:02,510 --> 00:52:04,121
Make friends with someone.
991
00:52:05,339 --> 00:52:06,949
Anyone but me.
992
00:52:08,125 --> 00:52:10,431
Maybe even Black Tim.
993
00:52:11,345 --> 00:52:12,955
Black Evan, I don't know.
994
00:52:12,999 --> 00:52:15,480
All I remember is
he was African-American.
995
00:52:26,317 --> 00:52:28,014
[GUARDS GROANING]
996
00:52:34,716 --> 00:52:36,076
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[ALARM BLARING]
997
00:52:43,160 --> 00:52:44,987
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
998
00:52:50,384 --> 00:52:52,125
[BEEPING RAPIDLY]
999
00:52:53,474 --> 00:52:55,172
[GUARDS GROANING]
1000
00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:03,049
AUTOMATED VOICE: [ON PA]
System malfunctioning.
1001
00:53:03,092 --> 00:53:06,444
Cells 7, 12, 14, 27.
1002
00:53:06,487 --> 00:53:08,750
Back in your cells, you filthy
mutants! Get in there!
1003
00:53:08,794 --> 00:53:12,101
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Cells 1, 3, 7, 8.
1004
00:53:13,277 --> 00:53:14,717
[BEEPING]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Searching.
1005
00:53:16,236 --> 00:53:18,586
Cell 04 located.
1006
00:53:19,979 --> 00:53:22,111
Door won't open!
1007
00:53:22,155 --> 00:53:23,765
GUARD: On your fucking knees!
1008
00:53:26,290 --> 00:53:27,856
[ALL GRUNTING]
1009
00:54:00,715 --> 00:54:02,413
That was our cell.
1010
00:54:04,545 --> 00:54:06,852
What did I do to piss off
a grumpy old fucker
1011
00:54:06,895 --> 00:54:08,070
with a Winter Soldier arm?
1012
00:54:17,341 --> 00:54:19,256
Get away from me, kid!
1013
00:54:21,127 --> 00:54:22,302
[PRISONER GROANS]
1014
00:54:22,955 --> 00:54:24,043
[ALL GRUNTING]
1015
00:54:26,872 --> 00:54:28,090
Listen to me! Go!
1016
00:54:33,574 --> 00:54:34,880
Hello, Russell.
1017
00:54:38,623 --> 00:54:39,711
[COCKS GUN]
1018
00:54:43,802 --> 00:54:45,151
[GROANS]
1019
00:54:46,283 --> 00:54:48,023
[WADE GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
1020
00:54:49,547 --> 00:54:51,200
[GROANING]
1021
00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:05,606
[GRUNTS]
1022
00:55:15,573 --> 00:55:17,966
[GUARDS GROANING]
1023
00:55:37,290 --> 00:55:39,988
[GROANING]
1024
00:55:43,731 --> 00:55:45,211
[ALL GRUNTING]
1025
00:55:53,872 --> 00:55:55,047
[GROANS]
1026
00:55:55,090 --> 00:55:56,875
[GASPS]
1027
00:55:56,918 --> 00:55:58,093
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
1028
00:56:05,057 --> 00:56:06,450
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
1029
00:56:09,409 --> 00:56:10,932
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1030
00:56:18,462 --> 00:56:19,463
Who are you?
1031
00:56:20,377 --> 00:56:21,595
I'm Batman.
1032
00:56:30,952 --> 00:56:32,040
[GASPS]
1033
00:56:33,041 --> 00:56:34,086
Ooh!
1034
00:56:35,043 --> 00:56:36,131
[GRUNTS]
1035
00:56:38,830 --> 00:56:41,702
Oh. That's got some zip.
1036
00:56:50,232 --> 00:56:53,018
Don't feel bad.
Even I can't kill me.
1037
00:56:53,714 --> 00:56:55,281
Talk!
1038
00:56:55,324 --> 00:56:57,109
What kind of
spineless shit stick
1039
00:56:57,152 --> 00:56:58,502
tries to kill
a 14-year-old boy?
1040
00:56:59,807 --> 00:57:01,330
You might wanna start talking!
1041
00:57:01,374 --> 00:57:03,614
'Cause I got a long history of
firing at times like this!
1042
00:57:04,986 --> 00:57:06,988
The name's Cable.
1043
00:57:07,032 --> 00:57:09,687
I'm from the future.
Just walk away.
1044
00:57:10,383 --> 00:57:11,689
Oh!
1045
00:57:11,732 --> 00:57:13,691
So, you're from the future.
1046
00:57:13,734 --> 00:57:15,693
I have
three questions then.
1047
00:57:15,736 --> 00:57:19,348
One, is dubstep still a thing?
1048
00:57:19,392 --> 00:57:21,873
Two, do people still homebrew?
1049
00:57:21,916 --> 00:57:24,484
And three,
does Dopinder ever find love?
1050
00:57:33,580 --> 00:57:35,103
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1051
00:57:48,116 --> 00:57:49,944
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
1052
00:57:52,294 --> 00:57:55,646
[SHOUTING]
[CHOKING]
1053
00:57:58,562 --> 00:57:59,911
[SCREAMING]
1054
00:58:04,568 --> 00:58:06,265
[GROANING]
1055
00:58:08,659 --> 00:58:10,443
Dubstep's for pussies.
1056
00:58:10,487 --> 00:58:11,792
You're so dark!
1057
00:58:11,836 --> 00:58:13,925
Are you sure you're not
from the DC universe?
1058
00:58:14,665 --> 00:58:16,231
I love dubstep!
1059
00:58:16,275 --> 00:58:18,451
[DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING]
1060
00:58:26,764 --> 00:58:28,505
[GRUNTS]
[GROANS]
1061
00:58:40,995 --> 00:58:42,475
[GROANS]
1062
00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:43,955
WADE: Is that a fanny pack?
1063
00:58:43,998 --> 00:58:46,566
I used to have one of those
in 1990-never.
1064
00:58:47,567 --> 00:58:49,656
Something to remember you by.
1065
00:58:49,700 --> 00:58:53,486
Give me that back!
That goes with me everywhere.
1066
00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:55,880
Like the memory
of your fucking fanny pack!
1067
00:59:01,363 --> 00:59:02,408
[GROANING]
1068
00:59:05,629 --> 00:59:07,718
Why are you protecting
the kid?
1069
00:59:07,761 --> 00:59:08,980
[LAUGHS]
1070
00:59:09,023 --> 00:59:11,330
I don't give a fuck
about him...
1071
00:59:11,373 --> 00:59:13,767
and his Are You My Mother?
complex!
1072
00:59:16,117 --> 00:59:17,379
What's this one do?
1073
00:59:18,729 --> 00:59:20,687
[BEEPING RAPIDLY]
1074
00:59:29,783 --> 00:59:31,524
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
1075
00:59:31,568 --> 00:59:33,178
WADE: In every film,
there's a moment
1076
00:59:33,221 --> 00:59:35,615
when the hero
hits rock bottom.
1077
00:59:35,659 --> 00:59:37,617
InCool Runnings,
it was when John Candy's
1078
00:59:37,661 --> 00:59:39,619
prized bobsled broke.
1079
00:59:39,663 --> 00:59:42,404
InHuman Centipede,
it was when those people...
1080
00:59:42,448 --> 00:59:44,015
signed on to be in that movie.
1081
00:59:44,058 --> 00:59:46,191
But in this film, well...
1082
00:59:46,234 --> 00:59:47,453
you're looking at it.
1083
00:59:47,496 --> 00:59:49,237
GUARD:
On your fucking knees, mutant.
1084
00:59:50,064 --> 00:59:51,500
[GROANING]
1085
00:59:52,153 --> 00:59:53,154
WADE: Rock...
1086
00:59:57,202 --> 00:59:58,682
meet bottom.
1087
01:00:03,774 --> 01:00:05,602
[INDISTINCT VOICES ECHOING]
1088
01:00:09,388 --> 01:00:10,539
VANESSA:
I love you, Wade Wilson.
1089
01:00:10,563 --> 01:00:11,738
Ness?
1090
01:00:12,783 --> 01:00:14,262
Hey, Ness!
1091
01:00:15,133 --> 01:00:16,961
Ness, can you let me in?
1092
01:00:17,004 --> 01:00:19,093
Please! Please.
1093
01:00:21,269 --> 01:00:22,401
Jesus.
1094
01:00:22,444 --> 01:00:23,445
[SIGHS]
1095
01:00:25,317 --> 01:00:27,077
You're not giving me
a lot of direction here.
1096
01:00:27,101 --> 01:00:28,929
I'm at the end of my rope.
1097
01:00:28,973 --> 01:00:30,409
[TIMER TICKING]
1098
01:00:31,410 --> 01:00:33,760
Then I joined the X-Men.
1099
01:00:33,804 --> 01:00:35,632
I went to prison. I, uh...
1100
01:00:39,723 --> 01:00:41,246
Is it the kid?
1101
01:00:43,291 --> 01:00:46,207
Kids give us a chance to be
better than we used to be.
1102
01:00:47,644 --> 01:00:48,645
The kid!
[TIMER DINGS]
1103
01:00:52,126 --> 01:00:53,650
[GASPING]
1104
01:00:56,261 --> 01:00:57,828
[WHEEZING]
1105
01:01:02,267 --> 01:01:03,877
That's exactly what she meant.
1106
01:01:03,921 --> 01:01:05,333
Your heart needs to be
in the right place.
1107
01:01:05,357 --> 01:01:07,228
I'm not gonna
abandon this kid.
1108
01:01:07,272 --> 01:01:09,883
He's never had anyone, ever.
1109
01:01:09,927 --> 01:01:11,276
I need to be selfless.
1110
01:01:11,319 --> 01:01:13,278
Yeah, but what does
that mean?
1111
01:01:13,321 --> 01:01:16,585
It means
I'm gonna save Russell.
1112
01:01:16,629 --> 01:01:18,152
Maybe I couldn't
save Vanessa...
1113
01:01:18,196 --> 01:01:21,199
but maybe I can save a robust
teenager from New Zealand.
1114
01:01:21,242 --> 01:01:23,307
Yeah, but what I mean is,
like, the world "selfless."
1115
01:01:23,331 --> 01:01:24,855
I literally don't know
what that means.
1116
01:01:24,898 --> 01:01:26,073
Jesus Christ.
1117
01:01:26,117 --> 01:01:28,859
Okay, look.
According to my guy, okay...
1118
01:01:28,902 --> 01:01:30,730
those muties
are being transferred
1119
01:01:30,774 --> 01:01:32,601
to a supermax, 80 miles away.
1120
01:01:32,645 --> 01:01:34,473
Great, I'll pick 'em off
along the way.
1121
01:01:34,516 --> 01:01:36,693
Hold your testicles there,
buddy, okay?
1122
01:01:36,736 --> 01:01:38,738
We're talking about
an armored convoy...
1123
01:01:38,782 --> 01:01:41,393
and a vicious super soldier
from the future...
1124
01:01:41,436 --> 01:01:43,787
that is looking to turn your
skull into a fuckable ashtray.
1125
01:01:43,830 --> 01:01:45,310
You know what we need to do?
1126
01:01:45,353 --> 01:01:47,225
We need to build
a fucking team.
1127
01:01:47,268 --> 01:01:49,357
We need 'em tough,
morally flexible...
1128
01:01:49,401 --> 01:01:50,794
and young enough
so they can carry
1129
01:01:50,837 --> 01:01:52,032
this franchise 10 to 12 years.
1130
01:01:52,056 --> 01:01:53,927
A team of
highly-skilled motherfuckers.
1131
01:01:53,971 --> 01:01:57,017
I'm talking about some
Ocean's 14shit. Rogue Two.
1132
01:01:57,061 --> 01:01:59,498
John Wick 3,but with
the original director.
1133
01:01:59,541 --> 01:02:01,456
DOPINDER: My body is an
instrument of death.
1134
01:02:01,500 --> 01:02:02,849
Not now, Dopinder.
1135
01:02:02,893 --> 01:02:04,372
I could be of great use.
1136
01:02:04,416 --> 01:02:05,983
What's your superpower?
1137
01:02:07,811 --> 01:02:09,464
Courage. That's adorable.
1138
01:02:09,508 --> 01:02:11,181
Do you have the courage
to check and see...
1139
01:02:11,205 --> 01:02:13,599
if there are enough sanitary
napkins in the dispenser?
1140
01:02:13,642 --> 01:02:14,687
Yes, sir.
1141
01:02:14,731 --> 01:02:15,993
I'm sorry
you had to see that,
1142
01:02:16,036 --> 01:02:18,386
although I'm glad
you heard it.
1143
01:02:18,430 --> 01:02:20,345
All right, I'll put out
a call for resumes.
1144
01:02:20,388 --> 01:02:22,651
But we're not paying
medical or dental.
1145
01:02:22,695 --> 01:02:24,741
It's time to get back
on LinkedIn.
1146
01:02:34,576 --> 01:02:36,013
[EXHALES]
1147
01:02:45,849 --> 01:02:47,807
[CHILD SINGING]
1148
01:03:01,603 --> 01:03:03,257
GUARD: [ON PA]
Attention, all inmates!
1149
01:03:03,301 --> 01:03:05,738
Transport to Cross Force
Maximum Security
1150
01:03:05,782 --> 01:03:07,261
Mutant Containment Facility...
1151
01:03:07,305 --> 01:03:09,263
will begin at 0800 hours.
1152
01:03:09,307 --> 01:03:11,309
Inspection of your cells
and out processing
1153
01:03:11,352 --> 01:03:13,398
will begin at 0600.
1154
01:03:21,710 --> 01:03:22,799
BLACK TOM: Oi.
1155
01:03:22,842 --> 01:03:24,191
MUTANT: What the fuck
do you want?
1156
01:03:24,235 --> 01:03:26,063
That's my fucking pudding.
1157
01:03:26,106 --> 01:03:28,108
Fuck your pudding! You like pudding?
1158
01:03:28,152 --> 01:03:29,893
[GRUNTS]
[PRISONERS CLAMORING]
1159
01:03:30,719 --> 01:03:32,417
[ALARM BLARING]
1160
01:03:49,129 --> 01:03:50,130
Hello?
1161
01:03:52,437 --> 01:03:54,787
I know you're in there.
1162
01:04:10,455 --> 01:04:12,761
Must be hard
being the biggest guy in here.
1163
01:04:14,024 --> 01:04:16,330
Lonely at the top, eh?
1164
01:04:16,374 --> 01:04:18,332
They're moving us tomorrow.
1165
01:04:20,813 --> 01:04:22,597
Maybe I can get you
out of here.
1166
01:04:23,816 --> 01:04:26,950
And we can make
the whole world our bitch.
1167
01:04:28,821 --> 01:04:30,562
We need a secret code.
1168
01:04:32,520 --> 01:04:33,739
[IMITATES BIRD CALL]
1169
01:04:33,782 --> 01:04:36,220
[SOFTLY] No,
that's stupid, Russell. Idiot.
1170
01:04:38,396 --> 01:04:40,354
[RHYTHMIC BANGING]
1171
01:04:40,398 --> 01:04:42,269
[RHYTHMIC BANGING IN RESPONSE]
1172
01:04:43,488 --> 01:04:45,011
We're a team.
1173
01:04:45,055 --> 01:04:47,013
We're like thugs,
we're like gangsters.
1174
01:04:47,057 --> 01:04:50,712
I'm like Tupac,
and you're like Ice Cube.
1175
01:04:50,756 --> 01:04:51,864
WEASEL: Supposedly,
she can rap, too.
1176
01:04:51,888 --> 01:04:52,976
DEADPOOL: Yeah.
1177
01:04:53,019 --> 01:04:54,064
I like that.
1178
01:04:54,107 --> 01:04:55,761
Terrific,
these are all terrific.
1179
01:04:55,804 --> 01:04:57,545
Meet Bedlam.
1180
01:04:57,589 --> 01:04:59,852
Cool name! Superpowers?
1181
01:04:59,896 --> 01:05:01,419
I can distort
electrical fields.
1182
01:05:01,462 --> 01:05:02,594
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
1183
01:05:02,637 --> 01:05:04,857
Including the one
inside your brain...
1184
01:05:04,901 --> 01:05:07,599
causing anxiety, confusion...
1185
01:05:07,642 --> 01:05:09,644
pain.
1186
01:05:09,688 --> 01:05:11,777
So, basically,
you're Dave Matthews.
1187
01:05:11,820 --> 01:05:12,952
We can use him.
1188
01:05:14,736 --> 01:05:16,390
I'm Zeitgeist.
1189
01:05:16,434 --> 01:05:17,739
Cool. I like it.
1190
01:05:17,783 --> 01:05:19,045
So you have the power
1191
01:05:19,089 --> 01:05:21,439
to put your finger
on the pulse of society?
1192
01:05:22,483 --> 01:05:23,658
[STAMMERS] No.
1193
01:05:23,702 --> 01:05:25,269
No, I spit acidic vomit.
[SNIFFS]
1194
01:05:25,312 --> 01:05:26,444
Oh.Do you want me
1195
01:05:26,487 --> 01:05:27,880
to demonstrate? DEADPOOL: No!
1196
01:05:27,924 --> 01:05:29,403
WEASEL: We'll take
your word for it.
1197
01:05:29,447 --> 01:05:31,599
Thank you. Yeah. Listen,
we've all eaten at Arby's, okay?
1198
01:05:31,623 --> 01:05:34,234
And this is the Vanisher.
1199
01:05:37,585 --> 01:05:38,586
But...
1200
01:05:39,761 --> 01:05:41,241
Vanisher!
1201
01:05:41,285 --> 01:05:42,851
[LAUGHS]
1202
01:05:43,765 --> 01:05:45,419
Nice! Right?
1203
01:05:46,725 --> 01:05:47,856
He's not here, is he?
1204
01:05:47,900 --> 01:05:49,423
He may be running late.
1205
01:05:51,034 --> 01:05:53,862
My name's Rusty,
but I go by Shatterstar.
1206
01:05:53,906 --> 01:05:55,125
BOTH: That's good, yeah.
1207
01:05:55,168 --> 01:05:57,301
"Rusty" is terrible.Toughie.
1208
01:05:57,344 --> 01:06:00,173
So, uh, where are you from?
The planet Mojo World.
1209
01:06:00,217 --> 01:06:02,262
So you're an alien, I guess. Bad name.
1210
01:06:02,306 --> 01:06:04,003
How does that, uh, help us?
1211
01:06:04,047 --> 01:06:06,963
I'm basically better
than you at everything.
1212
01:06:07,006 --> 01:06:08,723
Just once, I'm gonna find
a planet of people
1213
01:06:08,747 --> 01:06:10,314
that are worse than me
at everything.
1214
01:06:10,357 --> 01:06:12,577
A whole bunch
of functional idiots.
1215
01:06:12,620 --> 01:06:14,555
I'm gonna go there, and I'm
gonna be their Superman.
1216
01:06:14,579 --> 01:06:15,710
Isn't that Canada?
1217
01:06:15,754 --> 01:06:18,148
You shut your
goddamn trash mouth!
1218
01:06:19,323 --> 01:06:20,846
WEASEL: Meet... Domino.
1219
01:06:20,889 --> 01:06:22,935
DEADPOOL: What's your shtick? I'm lucky.
1220
01:06:22,979 --> 01:06:24,371
That's not a superpower.
1221
01:06:24,415 --> 01:06:25,546
Yeah, it is. No, it isn't.
1222
01:06:25,590 --> 01:06:26,852
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
1223
01:06:26,895 --> 01:06:27,940
Yeah, it is. No, it isn't.
1224
01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:29,028
Yes, it is. No, it isn't.
1225
01:06:29,072 --> 01:06:30,092
Yeah, it is. Really isn't.
1226
01:06:30,116 --> 01:06:31,335
No, it isn't.Yes, it is.
1227
01:06:31,378 --> 01:06:32,553
Told you.
1228
01:06:32,597 --> 01:06:33,946
Get out of my head!
1229
01:06:33,990 --> 01:06:35,600
I'm not in your head.
1230
01:06:35,643 --> 01:06:36,993
I'm in an
11-year-old's bedroom.
1231
01:06:37,036 --> 01:06:38,168
Well, if you're so lucky,
1232
01:06:38,211 --> 01:06:39,821
then what are you
doing here with us?
1233
01:06:39,865 --> 01:06:40,997
I don't know yet.
1234
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:42,563
What's that supposed to mean?
1235
01:06:42,607 --> 01:06:43,888
There's a reason why I'm here,
and I'll know when I know.
1236
01:06:43,912 --> 01:06:45,716
Everything usually
just kind of works out for me.
1237
01:06:45,740 --> 01:06:47,568
Like 2008 Ryan Reynolds.
1238
01:06:48,874 --> 01:06:50,006
I don't know who that is.
1239
01:06:50,049 --> 01:06:51,529
DEADPOOL: You're hired.
1240
01:06:51,572 --> 01:06:52,617
Lucky me.
1241
01:06:52,660 --> 01:06:53,879
DEADPOOL: I like her!
1242
01:06:55,011 --> 01:06:56,316
And last, but not least...
1243
01:06:56,360 --> 01:06:57,491
Peter.
1244
01:06:58,884 --> 01:07:01,408
Am I getting
catfished here or...?
1245
01:07:01,452 --> 01:07:03,367
Any powers you wanna
tell us about?
1246
01:07:03,410 --> 01:07:05,021
PETER: No.
1247
01:07:05,064 --> 01:07:06,761
I don't have one.
1248
01:07:06,805 --> 01:07:08,111
Um, I just saw the ad.
1249
01:07:08,154 --> 01:07:09,938
No superpowers at all?
1250
01:07:09,982 --> 01:07:13,072
Uh, I have both
Type 1 and 2 Diabetes.
1251
01:07:13,594 --> 01:07:14,943
Ow! Oh!
1252
01:07:14,987 --> 01:07:16,119
That's all the diabetes.
1253
01:07:16,162 --> 01:07:17,468
Right?
Yeah, you got 'em all.
1254
01:07:17,511 --> 01:07:19,426
If you find a Type 3,
let us know.
1255
01:07:19,948 --> 01:07:20,993
Yeah.
1256
01:07:21,037 --> 01:07:22,125
You're in.
1257
01:07:22,168 --> 01:07:23,691
Yeah. Fuck!
1258
01:07:26,085 --> 01:07:27,478
It's fulfilling work.
1259
01:07:32,570 --> 01:07:33,875
GUARD: Let's go!
1260
01:07:47,498 --> 01:07:50,109
GUARD: This is Convoy 17
departing the Ice Box.
1261
01:07:50,153 --> 01:07:51,502
We are en route.
1262
01:07:59,118 --> 01:08:01,468
CABLE:
Peacetime makes people soft.
1263
01:08:03,079 --> 01:08:04,863
I was born into war.
1264
01:08:06,386 --> 01:08:07,561
Bred into it.
1265
01:08:08,693 --> 01:08:10,477
Okay.
1266
01:08:10,521 --> 01:08:12,871
What's the most pain
you've ever felt?
1267
01:08:14,829 --> 01:08:16,092
These restraints are pretty...
1268
01:08:16,135 --> 01:08:18,006
People think
they understand pain.
1269
01:08:18,050 --> 01:08:19,486
They have no concept of it
1270
01:08:19,530 --> 01:08:21,488
beyond their own
worst experience.
1271
01:08:23,099 --> 01:08:26,276
5 years old. That's what?
1272
01:08:26,319 --> 01:08:27,886
A bee sting.
1273
01:08:27,929 --> 01:08:29,061
Oh, yeah.
1274
01:08:29,105 --> 01:08:31,629
20 years old, shrapnel.
1275
01:08:31,672 --> 01:08:34,371
40 years old, disease.
1276
01:08:34,414 --> 01:08:38,984
Maybe the kind that leaves you
more machine than man.
1277
01:08:39,027 --> 01:08:40,427
Yeah, getting old's
not for sissies.
1278
01:08:40,464 --> 01:08:42,118
That's what my
Grandma Ginny used to...
1279
01:08:42,161 --> 01:08:43,336
I've got a list.
1280
01:08:44,120 --> 01:08:46,078
We're gonna work down it.
1281
01:08:46,774 --> 01:08:47,775
Together.
1282
01:08:48,950 --> 01:08:51,997
Number one,
I'm gonna bend something.
1283
01:08:52,040 --> 01:08:54,347
Something that was not
meant to bend.
1284
01:08:54,391 --> 01:08:55,542
I'm gonna
stop you right there
1285
01:08:55,566 --> 01:08:56,891
because I'm not gonna
make it to two.
1286
01:08:56,915 --> 01:08:58,221
I won't even
make it to one.
1287
01:08:58,264 --> 01:09:00,005
I don't do well with pain,
you know.
1288
01:09:00,048 --> 01:09:02,399
If I stub my toe,
I'm done for the day.
1289
01:09:02,442 --> 01:09:04,836
I cried when they
canceled Felicity.
1290
01:09:04,879 --> 01:09:06,727
When I get really scared,
I get nervous erections.
1291
01:09:06,751 --> 01:09:08,144
I have one right now.
1292
01:09:08,187 --> 01:09:09,754
Don't look.
It'll only make it worse.
1293
01:09:09,797 --> 01:09:10,929
I don't want you
to hurt me,
1294
01:09:10,972 --> 01:09:13,149
and I'll tell you
anything you wanna know.
1295
01:09:14,150 --> 01:09:16,282
Except for where they are.
1296
01:09:16,326 --> 01:09:17,607
Russell's in a convoy
heading southbound
1297
01:09:17,631 --> 01:09:19,024
on Gerry Duggan Parkway.
1298
01:09:19,067 --> 01:09:20,393
The monster's with them.
I wouldn't fuck with him.
1299
01:09:20,417 --> 01:09:21,896
DEADPOOL:
You all know the plan.
1300
01:09:21,940 --> 01:09:23,681
Intercept the convoy,
1301
01:09:23,724 --> 01:09:25,726
grab the boy.
But not inappropriately!
1302
01:09:25,770 --> 01:09:27,119
WEASEL: You know what,
1303
01:09:27,163 --> 01:09:28,686
I wouldn't fuck with
Deadpool either.
1304
01:09:28,729 --> 01:09:30,862
Because he's built a team.
He's unstoppable.
1305
01:09:30,905 --> 01:09:33,604
He has an ass pen.
He'll stab you with it.
1306
01:09:33,647 --> 01:09:36,259
Watch out for this guy, Cable!
1307
01:09:36,302 --> 01:09:39,566
He's very short, 5'11".
Not like in the comics.
1308
01:09:39,610 --> 01:09:42,700
And if we succeed,
we all go home early.
1309
01:09:42,743 --> 01:09:44,823
WEASEL: So if you go after
them, Cable, I warn you...
1310
01:09:45,616 --> 01:09:47,313
there's a wind advisory
in effect.
1311
01:09:51,796 --> 01:09:53,493
[WIND HOWLING]
1312
01:09:58,455 --> 01:10:00,095
PILOT: [ON PA]
A little turbulent up here.
1313
01:10:07,464 --> 01:10:09,248
I don't know much
about this Cable fella...
1314
01:10:09,292 --> 01:10:10,684
but I guarantee
he hasn't killed
1315
01:10:10,728 --> 01:10:12,469
as many people
as melanoma has.
1316
01:10:13,861 --> 01:10:15,254
We're getting close!
1317
01:10:15,298 --> 01:10:16,995
As a former X-Man...
1318
01:10:17,038 --> 01:10:18,953
Trainee. Thank you, Bedlam.
1319
01:10:18,997 --> 01:10:21,347
I was always appalled
by the blatant sexism
1320
01:10:21,391 --> 01:10:23,001
in the group's name.
1321
01:10:23,044 --> 01:10:25,090
X-Men! Men!
1322
01:10:25,133 --> 01:10:28,136
The point is, our group
will be forward thinking.
1323
01:10:28,180 --> 01:10:29,486
Gender neutral.
1324
01:10:29,529 --> 01:10:31,836
From now on,
we'll be known as...
1325
01:10:34,099 --> 01:10:35,448
X-Force.
1326
01:10:35,492 --> 01:10:37,276
Isn't that
a little derivative?
1327
01:10:37,320 --> 01:10:39,713
I don't recall asking
your opinion, Peter!
1328
01:10:40,975 --> 01:10:42,412
That wasn't me.
1329
01:10:49,462 --> 01:10:51,812
Hang the laundry out
at 1,300 feet...
1330
01:10:51,856 --> 01:10:53,684
intercept the convoy,
and grab the boy.
1331
01:10:53,727 --> 01:10:54,835
Let's bring on
the carnage, baby!
1332
01:10:54,859 --> 01:10:56,730
Get me on the ground,
watch me go!
1333
01:10:56,774 --> 01:10:57,905
ALL: Yeah!
1334
01:10:57,949 --> 01:10:59,646
[ALL WHOOPING] I can't wait to kill!
1335
01:10:59,690 --> 01:11:02,432
Hey! Hey! Hey!
1336
01:11:02,475 --> 01:11:05,173
I just wanna say
how proud I am of this team.
1337
01:11:05,217 --> 01:11:08,089
You know,
you guys look amazing!
1338
01:11:08,133 --> 01:11:11,005
Vanisher, I have no doubt
you look amazing too.
1339
01:11:11,049 --> 01:11:12,180
This is the family
1340
01:11:12,224 --> 01:11:13,904
that I've always dreamed
of having and I...
1341
01:11:14,661 --> 01:11:15,749
Ah, shit.
1342
01:11:15,793 --> 01:11:17,316
[SNIFFLES]
1343
01:11:17,360 --> 01:11:19,057
I just get a little choked up
sometimes.
1344
01:11:19,100 --> 01:11:20,928
I hate to interrupt,
but is anybody nervous
1345
01:11:20,972 --> 01:11:22,321
about the high winds?
1346
01:11:22,365 --> 01:11:23,714
Gary. My name's Peter.
1347
01:11:23,757 --> 01:11:25,672
I realize that you're
new to this, but relax.
1348
01:11:25,716 --> 01:11:27,370
You've been chosen
by a higher power.
1349
01:11:27,413 --> 01:11:29,720
Did he just call himself God?
I think he did.
1350
01:11:29,763 --> 01:11:31,330
I'd like to go home. And I'd like...
1351
01:11:31,374 --> 01:11:33,898
the McRib to be available
year round,
1352
01:11:33,941 --> 01:11:35,769
but sometimes dreams
don't come true.
1353
01:11:35,813 --> 01:11:37,989
I spent 10 years
in Special Forces.
1354
01:11:38,032 --> 01:11:39,183
You think we didn't
jump out of the plane
1355
01:11:39,207 --> 01:11:41,166
because of a light breeze?
1356
01:11:41,209 --> 01:11:43,473
You're in this shit now,
Mustache!
1357
01:11:43,516 --> 01:11:45,494
[WHISPERS] I'm only yelling
to impress the other guys.
1358
01:11:45,518 --> 01:11:47,825
I'd never let anything
happen to you, Sugarbear.
1359
01:11:47,868 --> 01:11:50,088
Leonard, hit it!
1360
01:11:50,131 --> 01:11:51,959
[ALARM BLARING] [THUNDERSTRUCKPLAYING]
1361
01:11:58,792 --> 01:12:00,838
Go! Go! Go!
1362
01:12:03,884 --> 01:12:05,364
[MAN SINGING]
1363
01:12:36,526 --> 01:12:37,962
Let's get some!
1364
01:12:38,005 --> 01:12:39,180
Whoo!
1365
01:12:39,224 --> 01:12:40,399
Oh, yeah!
1366
01:12:40,443 --> 01:12:43,271
Convoy, 12 o'clock!
On my command!
1367
01:12:44,316 --> 01:12:45,796
Deploy! Oh, hey now!
1368
01:12:45,839 --> 01:12:47,101
Whoa!
1369
01:12:52,368 --> 01:12:54,282
Little off course here.
1370
01:12:55,371 --> 01:12:56,415
[GROANS]
1371
01:12:56,459 --> 01:12:59,287
Holy mommy fucking shit!
1372
01:13:00,027 --> 01:13:01,464
Ah, there they are.
1373
01:13:01,507 --> 01:13:05,119
Look at these gorgeous
sons of bitches. [BLOWS KISS]
1374
01:13:05,163 --> 01:13:07,078
Oh, yeah!
That's right, Bedlam!
1375
01:13:08,688 --> 01:13:10,255
[BEDLAM GRUNTS]
[ALL GASP]
1376
01:13:10,298 --> 01:13:12,126
[GASPING DRAMATICALLY]
1377
01:13:12,170 --> 01:13:16,435
No! Tripping
motherfucking billies!
1378
01:13:16,479 --> 01:13:19,569
Shatterstar.
Okay, you got this.
1379
01:13:20,352 --> 01:13:21,397
Left!
1380
01:13:21,440 --> 01:13:22,789
Left!
1381
01:13:22,833 --> 01:13:25,096
You'd have to be insane
to take off in this.
1382
01:13:25,139 --> 01:13:27,359
No, stage left, you idiot!
1383
01:13:28,099 --> 01:13:29,622
[GASPS]
1384
01:13:31,276 --> 01:13:32,799
Well, I guess
we found something
1385
01:13:32,843 --> 01:13:33,931
you're not better at.
1386
01:13:36,150 --> 01:13:37,456
Vanisher.
1387
01:13:37,500 --> 01:13:39,284
Maybe the wind can't blow
what it can't see.
1388
01:13:40,807 --> 01:13:42,374
[GRUNTING]
1389
01:13:42,418 --> 01:13:43,854
Oh! Really?
1390
01:13:43,897 --> 01:13:46,247
All right,
we could do this with four.
1391
01:13:46,291 --> 01:13:49,294
Sugarbear.
You got this, buddy!
1392
01:13:49,337 --> 01:13:51,427
That's the stuff!
That's the X-Force spirit!
1393
01:13:52,645 --> 01:13:54,734
Never underestimate
a man with a mustache!
1394
01:13:54,778 --> 01:13:56,344
Just ask anyone in Brooklyn.
1395
01:13:56,388 --> 01:13:57,563
[WHOOPS] We did it!
1396
01:13:57,607 --> 01:13:59,173
You're a goddamn
superhero, you!
1397
01:13:59,217 --> 01:14:00,305
X-Force!
1398
01:14:00,914 --> 01:14:02,002
X-Force.
1399
01:14:04,222 --> 01:14:05,266
[SCREAMING]
1400
01:14:05,310 --> 01:14:06,354
[WOOD CHIPPER WHIRRING]
1401
01:14:06,398 --> 01:14:08,269
[GASPS]Oh!
1402
01:14:09,270 --> 01:14:10,402
[EXHALES]
1403
01:14:11,969 --> 01:14:13,013
Peter.
1404
01:14:13,057 --> 01:14:14,362
PETER: I got you, buddy!
1405
01:14:14,406 --> 01:14:15,601
You're gonna be fine!
This is not good, man!
1406
01:14:15,625 --> 01:14:17,931
You got this, big guy!
Here we go, Peter!
1407
01:14:17,975 --> 01:14:19,455
Look at me.
We're X-Force, right?
1408
01:14:19,498 --> 01:14:21,587
Yeah, we're X-Force. We're X-Force.
1409
01:14:25,635 --> 01:14:27,680
Oh, my God!
What the fuck?
1410
01:14:27,724 --> 01:14:29,726
Fucking acidic vomit! [SCREAMS]
1411
01:14:29,769 --> 01:14:31,249
[WHIRRING]
1412
01:14:31,292 --> 01:14:34,078
Oh, God! I'm gonna throw up
in my mask.
1413
01:14:34,121 --> 01:14:35,383
[EXHALES]
1414
01:14:37,168 --> 01:14:39,562
DOMINO: Okay,
I'm over the convoy.
1415
01:14:39,605 --> 01:14:42,042
Where did the rest
of the team land?
1416
01:14:42,086 --> 01:14:43,740
Good news and bad news.
1417
01:14:43,783 --> 01:14:46,917
Bad news is
the whole team is dead.
1418
01:14:46,960 --> 01:14:48,266
The good news is,
1419
01:14:48,309 --> 01:14:50,137
I don't think anyone's
gonna miss Shatterstar.
1420
01:14:50,181 --> 01:14:53,532
He was a bit of a prick.
Oh, but Paul!
1421
01:14:53,576 --> 01:14:54,577
DOMINO: Peter!
1422
01:14:54,620 --> 01:14:56,100
Peter, I'm gonna
miss him most.
1423
01:14:56,143 --> 01:14:57,275
But there is
a slight chance
1424
01:14:57,318 --> 01:14:58,668
Vanisher could make it.
1425
01:14:58,711 --> 01:15:01,322
[PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
Nope, no chance. He's dead.
1426
01:15:01,366 --> 01:15:02,541
DOMINO:
The whole team?
1427
01:15:02,585 --> 01:15:04,456
Only the main ones.
We're still good.
1428
01:15:04,500 --> 01:15:05,762
Fuck, you are dumb.
1429
01:15:05,805 --> 01:15:07,459
Whoever planned this stunt's
1430
01:15:07,503 --> 01:15:09,679
been smoking
a lot jazz cabbage.
1431
01:15:09,722 --> 01:15:10,854
I'll tell you that much.
1432
01:15:10,897 --> 01:15:12,551
That's pretty obvious!
1433
01:15:12,595 --> 01:15:14,335
Looking good, Vanisher.
1434
01:15:24,171 --> 01:15:26,043
They're headed
into the tunnel.
1435
01:15:27,044 --> 01:15:28,524
I'm that kid's only hope,
1436
01:15:28,567 --> 01:15:30,438
so sit tight
and wait for my word.
1437
01:15:31,178 --> 01:15:32,484
DOMINO: Whatever.
1438
01:15:32,528 --> 01:15:34,051
We're gonna lose 'em.
I'm dropping in.
1439
01:15:34,094 --> 01:15:36,488
DEADPOOL: Uh, that's
a negative, sole survivor.
1440
01:15:36,532 --> 01:15:39,056
Luck is not a superpower!
We are so fucked!
1441
01:15:39,099 --> 01:15:42,189
No, we most certainly
are not fucked.
1442
01:15:42,233 --> 01:15:43,793
[CARS HORNS HONKING]
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
1443
01:15:45,279 --> 01:15:47,934
DEADPOOL: Seriously,
I don't get it!
1444
01:15:47,978 --> 01:15:50,458
What, you shoot luck lasers
out of your eyes?
1445
01:15:52,635 --> 01:15:54,462
It's just
it's hard to picture.
1446
01:15:54,506 --> 01:15:56,595
And certainly
not very cinematic.
1447
01:15:59,293 --> 01:16:00,904
I mean, luck?
1448
01:16:00,947 --> 01:16:03,515
What coked out,
glass pipe-sucking
1449
01:16:03,559 --> 01:16:04,908
freakshow comic book artist...
1450
01:16:04,951 --> 01:16:06,605
came up
with that little chestnut?
1451
01:16:06,649 --> 01:16:08,912
Probably a guy
who can't draw feet!
1452
01:16:20,010 --> 01:16:23,317
Once again, it all falls
on my shoulders.
1453
01:16:23,361 --> 01:16:24,599
It's why I'm cursed to be
a solo act.
1454
01:16:24,623 --> 01:16:25,644
Wander the Earth... I'm in.
1455
01:16:25,668 --> 01:16:27,191
I'm sorry, what did you say?
1456
01:16:27,234 --> 01:16:28,366
I'm in.
1457
01:16:28,409 --> 01:16:30,281
How in the fuck
are you in already?
1458
01:16:30,716 --> 01:16:32,544
Oh, shit.
1459
01:16:32,588 --> 01:16:33,806
It's Cable. 12 o'clock.
1460
01:16:33,850 --> 01:16:34,981
DEADPOOL: Okay.
1461
01:16:35,025 --> 01:16:37,462
New plan. Use all of your
imaginary powers
1462
01:16:37,505 --> 01:16:40,247
to stop Cable
from killing that kid.
1463
01:16:40,291 --> 01:16:41,901
I'm coming up on your six.
1464
01:16:50,170 --> 01:16:52,216
That gun is amazing!
1465
01:16:52,259 --> 01:16:54,348
[GRUNTS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
1466
01:17:01,355 --> 01:17:03,401
MAN: Hey!
Asshole!
1467
01:17:03,444 --> 01:17:05,055
DOMINO: Where is he?
I can't see him.
1468
01:17:05,098 --> 01:17:06,839
DEADPOOL: He's on top of you.
1469
01:17:06,883 --> 01:17:08,754
He's tearing you open!
1470
01:17:08,798 --> 01:17:10,713
He's going in
through the back!
1471
01:17:10,756 --> 01:17:11,888
Oh, God, he's inside!
1472
01:17:11,931 --> 01:17:13,237
You hear yourself, right?
1473
01:17:13,280 --> 01:17:14,736
DEADPOOL:
Accidental double entendres!
1474
01:17:14,760 --> 01:17:17,284
Russell! Russell Collins!
1475
01:17:17,328 --> 01:17:19,243
DEADPOOL: Hands off that kid,
John Connor!
1476
01:17:24,248 --> 01:17:25,249
No, no, no!
1477
01:17:29,601 --> 01:17:30,689
Shit!
1478
01:17:31,429 --> 01:17:32,430
[PRISONER SCREAMING]
1479
01:17:34,345 --> 01:17:35,346
[GRUNTS]
1480
01:17:43,180 --> 01:17:44,181
[BEEPING RAPIDLY]
1481
01:17:52,668 --> 01:17:54,582
DEADPOOL:
Two can play that game!
1482
01:17:56,715 --> 01:17:58,543
Got it! No, I don't.
1483
01:17:59,544 --> 01:18:00,588
Showtime, mama!
1484
01:18:00,632 --> 01:18:02,242
Lady Luck, take the wheel.
1485
01:18:10,555 --> 01:18:11,687
[GUN CLICKS]
1486
01:18:18,258 --> 01:18:19,259
[GROANS]
1487
01:18:35,754 --> 01:18:36,754
[HORNS HONKING]
1488
01:18:37,582 --> 01:18:38,583
[DOMINO GRUNTING]
1489
01:18:40,063 --> 01:18:41,867
I'd ask who you are, but
you'll be dead in a second.
1490
01:18:41,891 --> 01:18:43,980
I'm Domino, and doubtful.
1491
01:18:44,023 --> 01:18:45,503
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1492
01:19:00,561 --> 01:19:01,562
Hang in there, Doms!
1493
01:19:02,868 --> 01:19:04,565
Oh, this is really hard.
1494
01:19:04,609 --> 01:19:05,784
[TIRES SCREECHING]
1495
01:19:15,707 --> 01:19:16,795
[GUNSHOT]
1496
01:19:16,839 --> 01:19:18,239
And give me back
my Skee-Ball token.
1497
01:19:21,757 --> 01:19:23,280
You're doing great.X-Force.
1498
01:19:25,238 --> 01:19:27,284
I guess dubstep never dies.
1499
01:19:27,327 --> 01:19:28,894
[BANGARANGPLAYING]
1500
01:19:31,549 --> 01:19:32,593
Whoo!
1501
01:19:33,812 --> 01:19:34,944
[LAUGHING]
1502
01:19:36,859 --> 01:19:38,164
[BLACK TOM GROANS]
1503
01:19:38,208 --> 01:19:39,557
[DEADPOOL GASPS]
1504
01:19:39,600 --> 01:19:42,255
You killed Black Tom,
you racist son of a bitch!
1505
01:19:43,256 --> 01:19:44,301
[GROWLS]
1506
01:19:45,041 --> 01:19:46,172
That's unfortunate.
1507
01:19:49,306 --> 01:19:50,698
We got no brakes!
1508
01:19:50,742 --> 01:19:51,961
[STRAINING]
Figure it out!
1509
01:19:52,875 --> 01:19:54,137
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1510
01:19:56,356 --> 01:19:57,880
There's nothing I can't kill.
1511
01:20:00,708 --> 01:20:03,233
Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin
used to say...
1512
01:20:03,276 --> 01:20:05,626
"There's a first time
for everything, son."
1513
01:20:07,324 --> 01:20:08,891
Give me your best shot,
One-Eyed Willy.
1514
01:20:21,381 --> 01:20:23,731
[PANTING]
1515
01:20:23,775 --> 01:20:25,690
Those bullets were, like,
super fast.
1516
01:20:26,256 --> 01:20:27,257
Here we go.
1517
01:20:28,345 --> 01:20:30,608
Domino, mind slowing us down?
1518
01:20:30,651 --> 01:20:32,784
[SIGHS] Here goes nothing.
1519
01:20:32,828 --> 01:20:34,090
[HORN HONKING]
1520
01:20:35,961 --> 01:20:37,441
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1521
01:20:40,792 --> 01:20:42,272
[HONKING]
1522
01:21:03,946 --> 01:21:05,686
MAN: Knock, knock.
1523
01:21:12,215 --> 01:21:13,259
That's my boy.
1524
01:21:13,303 --> 01:21:14,608
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1525
01:21:19,657 --> 01:21:20,876
Holy...
1526
01:21:20,919 --> 01:21:21,920
[GRUNTS]
1527
01:21:25,750 --> 01:21:27,143
[ONLY TIMEPLAYING]
1528
01:21:29,536 --> 01:21:31,060
[YELLING]
1529
01:21:31,103 --> 01:21:32,757
DEADPOOL:
I'll be first to admit...
1530
01:21:32,800 --> 01:21:35,151
this did not go
according to plan.
1531
01:21:36,500 --> 01:21:38,067
I'll also be the first
to admit that
1532
01:21:38,110 --> 01:21:39,982
that plan was
written in crayon.
1533
01:21:40,025 --> 01:21:43,289
Looks like Russell found
a new friend. Jelly.
1534
01:21:43,333 --> 01:21:44,943
Turns out Domino's
a bit of a badass,
1535
01:21:44,987 --> 01:21:47,903
and maybe,
possibly mildly lucky.
1536
01:21:47,946 --> 01:21:51,210
But Cable? Ugh.
That guy's in a mood.
1537
01:21:51,254 --> 01:21:52,472
[CHUCKLES] A mood that is
1538
01:21:52,516 --> 01:21:54,300
about to get
significantly worse.
1539
01:21:55,954 --> 01:21:56,955
[SQUEAKS]
1540
01:22:00,654 --> 01:22:01,786
[SIGHS]
1541
01:22:14,277 --> 01:22:16,105
[GROANS]
1542
01:22:18,063 --> 01:22:20,500
Something is so terribly,
terribly wrong.
1543
01:22:23,460 --> 01:22:24,940
Oh.[NECK SNAPS]
1544
01:22:25,375 --> 01:22:26,680
[GROANS]
1545
01:22:26,724 --> 01:22:28,378
Oh, God, that hurt.
1546
01:22:28,421 --> 01:22:30,032
Suck it, Mel Gibson.
1547
01:22:30,597 --> 01:22:31,947
[GROANING]
1548
01:22:33,600 --> 01:22:34,688
Russell.
1549
01:22:37,387 --> 01:22:38,475
Russell!
1550
01:22:39,084 --> 01:22:41,173
Russ, where are ya?
1551
01:22:44,829 --> 01:22:47,005
Russell. Russell, you're okay!
1552
01:22:47,049 --> 01:22:50,487
Oh, thank God.
Oh, my God!
1553
01:22:50,530 --> 01:22:51,879
Juggernaut!
1554
01:22:51,923 --> 01:22:53,011
[GASPS]
1555
01:22:53,055 --> 01:22:55,100
I thought that was you!
1556
01:22:55,144 --> 01:22:57,973
I should've worn
my white pants.
1557
01:22:58,016 --> 01:23:01,846
You probably get this a lot,
but I am a huge fan.
1558
01:23:01,889 --> 01:23:05,197
Uncanny X-Men183. Thor411.
1559
01:23:05,241 --> 01:23:06,590
X-Men Unlimited12.
1560
01:23:06,633 --> 01:23:08,766
You know, it has always been
a dream of mine...
1561
01:23:08,809 --> 01:23:10,594
to see my face
reflected in your helmet...
1562
01:23:10,637 --> 01:23:12,857
as you charge at me
with murderous intent.
1563
01:23:12,900 --> 01:23:14,685
I don't mean right now.
1564
01:23:14,728 --> 01:23:16,643
I'm gonna rip you
in half now.
1565
01:23:16,687 --> 01:23:19,037
[LAUGHS] That is such
a Juggernaut thing to say.
1566
01:23:19,081 --> 01:23:20,430
[DEADPOOL SCREAMING]
1567
01:23:23,085 --> 01:23:27,132
Oh, my God!
I can't feel my legs.
1568
01:23:27,176 --> 01:23:28,264
I can't feel...
1569
01:23:29,221 --> 01:23:30,744
Oh, no, they're right here.
1570
01:23:31,571 --> 01:23:33,356
Got 'em.
God, Russell.
1571
01:23:33,399 --> 01:23:35,749
I have a mission.
1572
01:23:35,793 --> 01:23:37,360
To get my revenge.
1573
01:23:37,403 --> 01:23:39,710
I'm going to burn
that headmaster alive.
1574
01:23:39,753 --> 01:23:41,973
You're not the revenge type.
1575
01:23:42,017 --> 01:23:43,540
Take it from a friend.
1576
01:23:43,583 --> 01:23:47,413
Friend? You were sick,
and I protected you.
1577
01:23:47,457 --> 01:23:49,633
You said it yourself.
1578
01:23:49,676 --> 01:23:52,375
"I'm not your friend.
Find someone stronger."
1579
01:23:52,418 --> 01:23:53,854
So I did.
1580
01:23:53,898 --> 01:23:55,334
[GRUNTS]
1581
01:23:55,378 --> 01:23:57,554
Russell, I couldn't
protect you back then.
1582
01:23:57,597 --> 01:24:01,601
But I can now. What do you
want me to say, huh?
1583
01:24:01,645 --> 01:24:03,516
"I care about you"?
'Cause goddamn it,
1584
01:24:03,560 --> 01:24:05,997
I care about you, Russell.
1585
01:24:06,041 --> 01:24:08,130
What's Juggernaut got
that I don't have?
1586
01:24:08,173 --> 01:24:11,872
Don't you say legs!
I know you're gonna say legs!
1587
01:24:11,916 --> 01:24:14,701
Legs! Still hurts to hear out loud!
1588
01:24:16,877 --> 01:24:19,837
What is that?
That's not a real rope!
1589
01:24:19,880 --> 01:24:22,187
You get back here, young man!
[SIRENS WAILING]
1590
01:24:23,145 --> 01:24:24,624
Doms!
1591
01:24:24,668 --> 01:24:26,887
Doms, get me
out of here, please.
1592
01:24:26,931 --> 01:24:29,325
Use my arms
as backpack straps.
1593
01:24:32,067 --> 01:24:33,155
I think we may have found
1594
01:24:33,198 --> 01:24:35,374
your cosmic reason
for being here.
1595
01:24:35,418 --> 01:24:37,202
I'm pretty sure
this isn't it.
1596
01:24:37,246 --> 01:24:38,508
DEADPOOL: X-Force.
1597
01:24:52,043 --> 01:24:53,871
BLIND AL:
No child is hopeless.
1598
01:24:53,914 --> 01:24:57,396
Don't give up on the boy.
How could he just walk away?
1599
01:24:57,440 --> 01:25:00,138
It was the coldness
in his eyes.
1600
01:25:00,182 --> 01:25:01,748
You should've heard it.
1601
01:25:02,532 --> 01:25:03,620
[WADE SIGHS]
1602
01:25:03,663 --> 01:25:05,970
I guess family
really is an F-word.
1603
01:25:06,884 --> 01:25:09,104
[GROANS] Rub my legs, Mama.
1604
01:25:09,147 --> 01:25:10,540
Why would I
rub your legs?
1605
01:25:10,583 --> 01:25:13,499
Please, they hurt.
I have growing pains.
1606
01:25:13,543 --> 01:25:14,892
[BLIND AL SIGHS]
1607
01:25:16,633 --> 01:25:18,287
What in the...
1608
01:25:18,330 --> 01:25:21,072
Why is your hand
so tiny again?
1609
01:25:21,116 --> 01:25:22,943
That's not my hand.
1610
01:25:22,987 --> 01:25:25,337
Oh! Mary,
mother of Joseph!
1611
01:25:25,381 --> 01:25:27,296
That was nice for me. [DOOR OPENS]
1612
01:25:27,339 --> 01:25:30,168
Wade! I heard what happened
with the convoy and...
1613
01:25:30,212 --> 01:25:31,213
[GASPS]
1614
01:25:32,866 --> 01:25:34,564
[WEASEL RETCHES]
1615
01:25:34,607 --> 01:25:36,914
Why wouldn't you
cover that up?
1616
01:25:36,957 --> 01:25:39,177
A warrior has nothing
to be ashamed of.
1617
01:25:39,221 --> 01:25:41,179
WEASEL: Yeah, but you do.
Look at you.
1618
01:25:41,223 --> 01:25:43,225
You're just
straight shirt-cocking it,
1619
01:25:43,268 --> 01:25:44,748
toddler-style.
1620
01:25:44,791 --> 01:25:46,750
Oh, yeah.
Full Winnie the Pooh.
1621
01:25:46,793 --> 01:25:48,795
The hell's happening?
Describe it.
1622
01:25:48,839 --> 01:25:50,121
I wouldn't ask him to do that,
if I were you.
1623
01:25:50,145 --> 01:25:51,755
WEASEL: It's like, um... Here we go.
1624
01:25:51,798 --> 01:25:53,080
It's like he was
giving birth anally,
1625
01:25:53,104 --> 01:25:54,627
but they quit halfway through.
1626
01:25:54,671 --> 01:25:55,822
They got the legs out,
and they said,
1627
01:25:55,846 --> 01:25:57,195
"You know what, I'm done."
1628
01:25:57,239 --> 01:25:58,501
Happy?
1629
01:25:58,544 --> 01:25:59,652
It's like he's a Muppet
from the waist down.
1630
01:25:59,676 --> 01:26:00,851
But this time, you can see
1631
01:26:00,894 --> 01:26:02,331
the Muppet's dick. [DOOR OPENS]
1632
01:26:02,374 --> 01:26:03,897
Grover's got a cock
the size of a twig.
1633
01:26:03,941 --> 01:26:05,136
DOPINDER: Mr. Weasel, I can
no longer be double-parked.
1634
01:26:05,160 --> 01:26:06,760
I've had three tickets
already. [SCREAMS]
1635
01:26:08,250 --> 01:26:11,035
No, no, no, DP,
not again!
1636
01:26:11,078 --> 01:26:13,690
This has happened before?
[DOPINDER RETCHING]
1637
01:26:13,733 --> 01:26:15,233
[DOOR OPENS] Jesus! Either vomit or don't.
1638
01:26:15,257 --> 01:26:16,562
The indecision is killing me.
1639
01:26:16,606 --> 01:26:18,477
Why couldn't God
take my hearing?
1640
01:26:20,087 --> 01:26:22,264
Oh. Wow!
1641
01:26:22,307 --> 01:26:24,004
Cool your pits.
They're growing back.
1642
01:26:24,048 --> 01:26:26,006
I'm talking about your face.
1643
01:26:26,050 --> 01:26:27,965
I've never seen you
without your mask before.
1644
01:26:28,008 --> 01:26:30,228
Jesus Christ! Looks like an avocado.
1645
01:26:30,272 --> 01:26:32,187
DOMINO: Your legs, though,
they're cute.
1646
01:26:32,230 --> 01:26:34,014
You wanna borrow
a pair of pants?
1647
01:26:35,581 --> 01:26:37,192
I'm glad everybody dropped by.
1648
01:26:37,235 --> 01:26:39,933
You must be wondering
why I didn't call you here.
1649
01:26:39,977 --> 01:26:41,587
I'll tell you why I'm here.
1650
01:26:41,631 --> 01:26:43,981
"The Time Traveler's Wife's"
husband...
1651
01:26:44,024 --> 01:26:45,263
beat me within
an inch of my life.
1652
01:26:45,287 --> 01:26:46,636
He was torturing me!
1653
01:26:46,679 --> 01:26:49,552
But all I told him was
everything he wanted to know.
1654
01:26:49,595 --> 01:26:52,250
So, I'm here
to help us gear up.
1655
01:26:52,294 --> 01:26:53,445
So we can go after him
without me.
1656
01:26:53,469 --> 01:26:54,861
WADE: No!
1657
01:26:54,905 --> 01:26:56,254
I'm doing this alone.
1658
01:26:56,298 --> 01:26:57,429
The Juggernaut
1659
01:26:57,473 --> 01:26:58,909
will kill you all. Fair enough.
1660
01:26:58,952 --> 01:27:00,843
WADE: I just need a couple of
hours to get some legs
1661
01:27:00,867 --> 01:27:01,999
under me. What will you do?
1662
01:27:02,042 --> 01:27:03,368
WADE: I don't care
what the kid did to me.
1663
01:27:03,392 --> 01:27:04,741
I ain't letting Cable
get to him,
1664
01:27:04,784 --> 01:27:06,153
even if I have to
teabag him to death.
1665
01:27:06,177 --> 01:27:08,223
It's really just a sip of tea
at this point.
1666
01:27:08,266 --> 01:27:10,050
Zip it, black Black Widow!
I'm flowing.
1667
01:27:10,094 --> 01:27:11,158
The first order
of business is
1668
01:27:11,182 --> 01:27:12,575
to get me in front of Cable...
1669
01:27:12,618 --> 01:27:14,030
so I can pull all the fucking
blood out of his body...
1670
01:27:14,054 --> 01:27:16,405
and fashion his bones
into holiday jewelry.
1671
01:27:16,448 --> 01:27:18,276
Then,
I'm gonna take his skin...
1672
01:27:18,320 --> 01:27:21,366
and stretch it out
over a homemade mating drum.
1673
01:27:22,976 --> 01:27:24,576
He's standing right
behind you, isn't he?
1674
01:27:27,981 --> 01:27:28,982
[COCKS GUN]
1675
01:27:33,248 --> 01:27:35,250
What in the ass?
1676
01:27:35,293 --> 01:27:38,601
Is this apartment listed
on Tinder? Grindr?
1677
01:27:38,644 --> 01:27:41,691
You picked the wrong shithole
to fuck, future boy.
1678
01:27:41,734 --> 01:27:44,259
Ugh. Is that really necessary?
1679
01:27:46,522 --> 01:27:49,307
No. It's his
"Basic Instinct."
1680
01:27:49,351 --> 01:27:51,091
What can we help you with?
1681
01:27:51,135 --> 01:27:52,789
I'm here to proposition you.
1682
01:27:54,312 --> 01:27:55,400
[LAUGHS] Oh, boy!
1683
01:27:55,444 --> 01:27:56,508
He's really teeing it up,
isn't he?
1684
01:27:56,532 --> 01:27:58,664
Who gets to make
the first joke?
1685
01:27:58,708 --> 01:28:00,076
I think we should all do it
at the same time.
1686
01:28:00,100 --> 01:28:01,145
Good call.
1687
01:28:01,188 --> 01:28:02,755
For $45, you get sucky-suck.
1688
01:28:02,799 --> 01:28:04,037
BOTH: I only do over
the pants, mouth stuff.
1689
01:28:04,061 --> 01:28:05,192
Fuck!
1690
01:28:05,236 --> 01:28:06,344
The Proposition
has a wonderful
1691
01:28:06,368 --> 01:28:07,673
Guy Pearce performance.
1692
01:28:07,717 --> 01:28:09,477
WADE: Wait, wait, wait!
I wanna do mine over.
1693
01:28:09,501 --> 01:28:12,112
Give us the line again. I need your help!
1694
01:28:12,156 --> 01:28:14,463
Trust me, I'm even less happy
about this than you are...
1695
01:28:14,506 --> 01:28:17,640
but you unleashed
the Juggernaut, you dumb cunt!
1696
01:28:17,683 --> 01:28:20,077
I can't bring him down alone.
1697
01:28:20,120 --> 01:28:21,644
So here we are.
1698
01:28:22,993 --> 01:28:24,777
We're no longer
accepting applications
1699
01:28:24,821 --> 01:28:26,257
for X-Force, unfortunately.
1700
01:28:26,301 --> 01:28:27,737
Even if we were...
1701
01:28:27,780 --> 01:28:29,454
there's a wind advisory
in effect until at least...
1702
01:28:29,478 --> 01:28:30,740
We don't have a lot of time.
1703
01:28:30,783 --> 01:28:32,524
Your friend's about
to make his first kill.
1704
01:28:32,568 --> 01:28:34,091
No offense,
but if you know so much...
1705
01:28:34,134 --> 01:28:37,007
why not travel back to when
he was a baby, kill him then?
1706
01:28:37,050 --> 01:28:38,114
Or better yet, head back
a little further,
1707
01:28:38,138 --> 01:28:39,226
kill baby Hitler.
1708
01:28:39,270 --> 01:28:41,228
I use a device
to slide through time.
1709
01:28:41,272 --> 01:28:43,927
The longer I travel,
the harder it is to control.
1710
01:28:43,970 --> 01:28:46,582
I got two charges:
one to get me here,
1711
01:28:46,625 --> 01:28:47,800
one to get me home.
1712
01:28:47,844 --> 01:28:49,019
Well.
1713
01:28:49,062 --> 01:28:50,977
That's just lazy writing.
1714
01:28:51,021 --> 01:28:52,303
Your boy's
gonna kill the headmaster
1715
01:28:52,327 --> 01:28:53,893
of the orphanage tonight.
1716
01:28:53,937 --> 01:28:56,069
After that,
he gets a real taste for it.
1717
01:28:56,113 --> 01:28:58,855
Like 10-year-old
Kirsten Dunst, motherfucker!
1718
01:28:58,898 --> 01:29:00,900
So he keeps killing...
1719
01:29:00,944 --> 01:29:02,424
and killing, and killing,
1720
01:29:02,467 --> 01:29:03,990
and killing. [GUNS COCKING]
1721
01:29:04,034 --> 01:29:07,254
Until one day, he kills
the wrong fucking people.
1722
01:29:09,822 --> 01:29:11,215
My people.
1723
01:29:15,132 --> 01:29:16,394
Relax.
1724
01:29:16,438 --> 01:29:18,831
I'm retrieving something
from my utility bag.
1725
01:29:18,875 --> 01:29:21,443
It's a goddamn fanny pack...
1726
01:29:21,486 --> 01:29:24,097
and you know it,
you sick son of a bitch!
1727
01:29:24,141 --> 01:29:25,795
The difference
is night and day.
1728
01:29:27,623 --> 01:29:29,886
You remind me of my wife.
1729
01:29:29,929 --> 01:29:31,409
I'm sorry.
1730
01:29:31,453 --> 01:29:32,560
I said, "You remind me
of my wife."
1731
01:29:32,584 --> 01:29:33,944
No, I'm sorry
that you said that...
1732
01:29:33,977 --> 01:29:36,762
while making heavy eye contact
and applying lip balm.
1733
01:29:36,806 --> 01:29:37,981
CABLE: She always struggled.
1734
01:29:39,112 --> 01:29:40,549
But she was funny...
1735
01:29:40,592 --> 01:29:43,943
and filtered her pain
through the prism of humor.
1736
01:29:43,987 --> 01:29:46,206
Something I could
never master.
1737
01:29:47,120 --> 01:29:49,340
It was my fault she died.
1738
01:29:50,950 --> 01:29:54,606
It was my job
to stop people like him.
1739
01:29:54,650 --> 01:29:56,608
I came close a few times. [TOMORROWPLAYING]
1740
01:30:00,830 --> 01:30:02,484
He wasn't too happy
about that.
1741
01:30:04,224 --> 01:30:05,400
He was trying to hurt me...
1742
01:30:05,443 --> 01:30:07,402
and he knew exactly
how to do it.
1743
01:30:11,449 --> 01:30:13,146
OLDER RUSSELL:
Blessed are the wicked
1744
01:30:13,190 --> 01:30:14,757
who are healed by my hand.
1745
01:30:17,890 --> 01:30:20,240
CABLE: He came into my home...
1746
01:30:20,284 --> 01:30:23,156
and took the only thing
that made it a home.
1747
01:30:27,378 --> 01:30:28,727
Sound familiar?
1748
01:30:29,772 --> 01:30:31,426
I'm sorry.Uh-huh.
1749
01:30:31,469 --> 01:30:33,123
No, I'm really sorry.
1750
01:30:35,342 --> 01:30:37,475
But that isn't Russell.
1751
01:30:37,519 --> 01:30:39,453
It doesn't have to be him.
If you knew what I knew...
1752
01:30:39,477 --> 01:30:41,479
Yeah, he's got anger issues...
1753
01:30:41,523 --> 01:30:43,089
maybe a small
learning disability...
1754
01:30:43,133 --> 01:30:44,526
splash of diabetes...
1755
01:30:44,569 --> 01:30:45,918
but nothing
that can't be fixed.
1756
01:30:45,962 --> 01:30:47,616
If you could go back...
1757
01:30:47,659 --> 01:30:50,357
and stop the people that took
your girl, would you?
1758
01:30:50,619 --> 01:30:51,881
No.
1759
01:30:51,924 --> 01:30:53,665
I'd buy them all
a bouquet of hand jobs.
1760
01:30:53,709 --> 01:30:55,450
Of course I fucking would!
1761
01:30:56,233 --> 01:30:57,364
But I wouldn't kill a kid.
1762
01:30:57,408 --> 01:30:59,454
I'm not asking you
to kill a kid!
1763
01:30:59,497 --> 01:31:01,064
I'll kill the kid.
1764
01:31:01,107 --> 01:31:04,589
I'm asking you to save
hundreds of other kids.
1765
01:31:04,633 --> 01:31:06,983
Russell's gonna burn down
that orphanage.
1766
01:31:07,026 --> 01:31:09,072
And I can imagine
your dead girlfriend...
1767
01:31:09,115 --> 01:31:11,378
would want you to do
the right thing, wouldn't she?
1768
01:31:12,379 --> 01:31:15,557
So, what's it gonna be,
handsome?
1769
01:31:15,600 --> 01:31:17,341
Give me a chance to save him.
1770
01:31:17,384 --> 01:31:18,821
What? You said...
1771
01:31:18,864 --> 01:31:20,538
once he kills someone,
he gets a taste for it.
1772
01:31:20,562 --> 01:31:22,912
If we can get to him
before that happens...
1773
01:31:22,955 --> 01:31:24,609
promise you'll give me
a chance
1774
01:31:24,653 --> 01:31:26,524
to put him
on a different path.
1775
01:31:26,568 --> 01:31:27,743
Define "chance."
1776
01:31:27,786 --> 01:31:29,024
I don't know.
How long does it take
1777
01:31:29,048 --> 01:31:30,417
to save someone's soul?
That's not...
1778
01:31:30,441 --> 01:31:31,703
I'll give you 30 seconds.
1779
01:31:31,747 --> 01:31:33,792
What? No! Best I can do.
1780
01:31:33,836 --> 01:31:35,141
Take it or leave it.
1781
01:31:45,587 --> 01:31:47,066
[CABLE GROANS]WEASEL: He's doing it!
1782
01:31:47,110 --> 01:31:48,720
Look at the little fella.
He's doing it.
1783
01:31:48,764 --> 01:31:50,722
[RETCHES] There he goes.
1784
01:31:50,766 --> 01:31:52,245
CABLE: Jesus Christ!
1785
01:31:52,289 --> 01:31:53,769
WEASEL: Just shirt-cocking it.
1786
01:31:53,812 --> 01:31:55,727
Ugh.
1787
01:31:55,771 --> 01:31:57,131
WEASEL:
There you go, little fella.
1788
01:31:57,860 --> 01:31:59,557
Go on, you're doing it!
1789
01:31:59,601 --> 01:32:02,473
My beautiful, hairless,
Twizzler-legged baby boy.
1790
01:32:04,649 --> 01:32:05,781
DOMINO: Christ!
1791
01:32:05,824 --> 01:32:07,522
That's disturbing.
1792
01:32:07,565 --> 01:32:08,958
30 seconds.
1793
01:32:14,354 --> 01:32:15,834
Deal.Deal.
1794
01:32:18,837 --> 01:32:20,622
[FARTING ]
1795
01:32:22,275 --> 01:32:25,365
Man, that sucks they didn't
have anything in your size.
1796
01:32:25,409 --> 01:32:27,411
I really wanted to match,
you know?
1797
01:32:27,454 --> 01:32:29,500
Being a menacing team. [PEOPLE SCREAMING]
1798
01:32:29,544 --> 01:32:30,719
Oh, man, it sucks.
1799
01:32:30,762 --> 01:32:32,634
That was some
cold-ass shit, kid.
1800
01:32:34,026 --> 01:32:36,594
DEADPOOL: And that is just
the first five steps
1801
01:32:36,638 --> 01:32:38,335
to a prostate-assisted orgasm.
1802
01:32:39,249 --> 01:32:40,685
Where the hell
are we going?
1803
01:32:40,729 --> 01:32:42,078
DEADPOOL:
You said it yourself.
1804
01:32:42,121 --> 01:32:45,037
Nothing can stop the
Juggernaut. We need backup.
1805
01:32:45,081 --> 01:32:48,040
I will bathe in the blood
of your enemies.
1806
01:32:48,084 --> 01:32:50,216
[BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING
ON RADIO]
1807
01:32:52,175 --> 01:32:53,785
Can you turn off the music?
1808
01:32:54,786 --> 01:32:56,919
You'll do no such thing.
1809
01:32:56,962 --> 01:32:58,834
Why don't you just say it
in an Indian accent?
1810
01:32:58,877 --> 01:33:00,618
I'm sorry? Apology accepted.
1811
01:33:00,662 --> 01:33:02,751
This is a side of you
I do not like.
1812
01:33:02,794 --> 01:33:04,143
Let me guess,
1813
01:33:04,187 --> 01:33:05,686
some of your best friends
in the future are Indian.
1814
01:33:05,710 --> 01:33:06,972
What the hell are you...?
1815
01:33:07,016 --> 01:33:08,887
Once again, intolerance rears
its ugly head.
1816
01:33:08,931 --> 01:33:10,236
I am so sorry.
It gets better.
1817
01:33:10,280 --> 01:33:11,847
I'm not a fucking racist,
moron!
1818
01:33:11,890 --> 01:33:13,936
That's precisely
what a racist would say.
1819
01:33:13,979 --> 01:33:15,633
I'm with the old white guy
on this one.
1820
01:33:15,677 --> 01:33:16,939
And that's a twist.
1821
01:33:16,982 --> 01:33:18,505
When this is over...
1822
01:33:18,549 --> 01:33:20,440
I'm going to fuck you to death
with your own broken feet.
1823
01:33:20,464 --> 01:33:22,640
And a sexual predator, too.
That's rich.
1824
01:33:22,684 --> 01:33:24,076
I should have
finished college.
1825
01:33:24,120 --> 01:33:25,271
DEADPOOL:
So what exactly do you
1826
01:33:25,295 --> 01:33:26,359
do in the future, anyway, huh?
1827
01:33:26,383 --> 01:33:27,645
Some kind of soldier?
1828
01:33:27,689 --> 01:33:29,516
Yeah, something like that.
1829
01:33:29,560 --> 01:33:31,736
DEADPOOL: I was a soldier.
Special Forces.
1830
01:33:31,780 --> 01:33:34,478
I bet 50 years from now,
we're bestest buddies.
1831
01:33:34,521 --> 01:33:36,523
50 years from now,
you're very dead.
1832
01:33:36,567 --> 01:33:38,961
Your entire generation fucked
this planet into a coma.
1833
01:33:39,004 --> 01:33:40,615
Boom! [IMITATES EXPLOSION]
1834
01:33:40,658 --> 01:33:41,920
Spoiler alert.
1835
01:33:41,964 --> 01:33:43,095
[SNICKERS]
1836
01:33:43,139 --> 01:33:44,488
[SIGHS] Planets.
1837
01:33:44,531 --> 01:33:46,098
Next time, Uber.
1838
01:33:46,142 --> 01:33:47,447
Here's a spoiler alert.
1839
01:33:48,623 --> 01:33:50,581
You're not a fucking hero.
1840
01:33:50,625 --> 01:33:54,672
You're just an annoying clown
dressed up as a sex toy.
1841
01:33:54,716 --> 01:33:55,910
DEADPOOL:
Well, I got news for you.
1842
01:33:55,934 --> 01:33:57,283
My heart
is in the right place.
1843
01:33:57,327 --> 01:33:58,850
Russell's not
gonna kill anyone.
1844
01:33:58,894 --> 01:34:00,872
Because of me, he's gonna know
what real love looks like.
1845
01:34:00,896 --> 01:34:01,984
We're all going to die.
1846
01:34:02,027 --> 01:34:03,289
Because of you,
I'll always know
1847
01:34:03,333 --> 01:34:05,291
what a grown man
with baby balls looks like.
1848
01:34:05,335 --> 01:34:07,729
I'm a grower, not a shower.
1849
01:34:07,772 --> 01:34:08,947
God, I wish this were a bus
1850
01:34:08,991 --> 01:34:10,185
where I could pull
the string and get out.
1851
01:34:10,209 --> 01:34:11,863
It's a good thing
Cable's not driving,
1852
01:34:11,907 --> 01:34:13,125
or you'd be in the back.
1853
01:34:13,169 --> 01:34:15,519
I am in the back.
DEADPOOL: Right here!
1854
01:34:15,562 --> 01:34:16,825
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
1855
01:34:18,174 --> 01:34:19,958
[IN YOUR EYESPLAYING
ON BOOM BOX]
1856
01:34:31,317 --> 01:34:32,579
[GROANS]
1857
01:34:33,668 --> 01:34:35,713
DEADPOOL: I made mistakes!
1858
01:34:35,757 --> 01:34:37,454
I wanna take them back!
1859
01:34:37,497 --> 01:34:40,457
You trusted me.
I took that trust...
1860
01:34:40,500 --> 01:34:41,937
and turned it
into a glory hole
1861
01:34:41,980 --> 01:34:43,547
in an airport bathroom.
1862
01:34:43,590 --> 01:34:46,855
The one in Minneapolis.
You know the one.
1863
01:34:46,898 --> 01:34:49,509
But even you know I'm not
a complete piece of shit.
1864
01:34:49,553 --> 01:34:51,076
I was once an X-Man.
1865
01:34:51,120 --> 01:34:52,164
Trainee!
1866
01:34:53,252 --> 01:34:54,427
[MUSIC STOPS]
1867
01:34:56,821 --> 01:34:59,389
You're still using
my Velcro labels. Aw.
1868
01:34:59,432 --> 01:35:01,043
They do stick better
than tape.
1869
01:35:01,086 --> 01:35:02,131
Hi, Wade!
1870
01:35:02,174 --> 01:35:03,610
Please don't.
1871
01:35:03,654 --> 01:35:06,048
Say whatever it is you're here
to say. Make it quick.
1872
01:35:06,091 --> 01:35:07,353
Right. Quick.
1873
01:35:07,397 --> 01:35:09,114
It's the kid.
Just like you, I let him down.
1874
01:35:09,138 --> 01:35:10,574
And just like me,
1875
01:35:10,617 --> 01:35:11,769
he's never had anyone
sacrifice anything for him...
1876
01:35:11,793 --> 01:35:12,813
because the whole world
wrote him off
1877
01:35:12,837 --> 01:35:14,273
as a piece of shit
a long time ago.
1878
01:35:14,317 --> 01:35:16,014
Look, he's teamed up
with the Juggernaut!
1879
01:35:16,058 --> 01:35:17,581
[GASPS] The Juggernaut!
1880
01:35:17,624 --> 01:35:19,385
Who's, like, my favorite
Marvel character ever...
1881
01:35:19,409 --> 01:35:21,628
And hi, Yukio! That was really
nice of you to say hi...
1882
01:35:21,672 --> 01:35:23,021
so I'm saying hi back.
1883
01:35:23,065 --> 01:35:24,457
You guys make
a super cute couple.
1884
01:35:24,501 --> 01:35:26,198
Yeah. Where was I?
1885
01:35:26,242 --> 01:35:28,113
Oh, yeah. You should never
meet your heroes...
1886
01:35:28,157 --> 01:35:29,854
because, honestly,
he's a bit of a dick!
1887
01:35:29,898 --> 01:35:31,738
And like a lot of dicks,
he's hard as a rock...
1888
01:35:31,769 --> 01:35:33,162
and causes nothing
but problems!
1889
01:35:33,205 --> 01:35:36,078
Look, you can stop the
Juggernaut. I know you can.
1890
01:35:36,121 --> 01:35:39,342
Do you know what would happen
to me if I helped you?
1891
01:35:39,385 --> 01:35:41,474
I would be disgraced.
1892
01:35:41,518 --> 01:35:43,563
You are a criminal,
a fugitive.
1893
01:35:43,607 --> 01:35:45,130
But worst of all...
1894
01:35:45,174 --> 01:35:46,915
you broke my heart, Wade.
1895
01:35:48,612 --> 01:35:49,831
Then you know what?
1896
01:35:49,874 --> 01:35:51,474
Your heart's in
the wrong place, big guy.
1897
01:35:52,529 --> 01:35:55,227
Doing the right thing
is sometimes messy...
1898
01:35:55,271 --> 01:35:58,665
and fucked up, and not
particularly convenient!
1899
01:35:58,709 --> 01:36:01,799
So stay here
in Chateau de Virgin...
1900
01:36:01,843 --> 01:36:03,975
while we go get our fuck on!
1901
01:36:07,152 --> 01:36:08,545
DOMINO: You're doing great.
1902
01:36:11,200 --> 01:36:12,592
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[ENGINE STARTS]
1903
01:36:14,203 --> 01:36:15,746
RUSSELL: So you wear
that helmet because
1904
01:36:15,770 --> 01:36:17,510
your brother
tries to read your mind?
1905
01:36:17,554 --> 01:36:20,818
JUGGERNAUT: Yeah, but he's in
a wheelchair, so even-steven.
1906
01:36:20,862 --> 01:36:23,342
MAN: Someone's coming.
It's Russell, sir.
1907
01:36:23,386 --> 01:36:25,344
And he's not alone.
1908
01:36:25,388 --> 01:36:27,042
HEADMASTER:
Secure the children.
1909
01:36:29,479 --> 01:36:32,221
They will not replace us.
1910
01:36:32,264 --> 01:36:35,050
What do you say
we go fuck some shit up?
1911
01:36:35,093 --> 01:36:38,923
"Let's fuck some shit up"
is my legal middle name.
1912
01:36:42,274 --> 01:36:44,886
Watch my back.
I've got the old man.
1913
01:36:44,929 --> 01:36:46,496
Amen, brother.
1914
01:36:48,063 --> 01:36:49,368
[BRAKES SCREECHING]
1915
01:36:53,024 --> 01:36:54,678
Time to make the chimichangas.
1916
01:36:54,721 --> 01:36:56,898
30 seconds.
1917
01:36:56,941 --> 01:36:59,465
I finally know why I'm here.
1918
01:36:59,509 --> 01:37:01,467
I was raised in this place.
1919
01:37:01,511 --> 01:37:03,774
Well, not raised.
I was tortured.
1920
01:37:03,818 --> 01:37:06,690
Wow! It's your cosmic reason
for being here.
1921
01:37:06,733 --> 01:37:08,039
Shall we? This is gonna be fun.
1922
01:37:08,083 --> 01:37:09,171
DEADPOOL: Yeah!
1923
01:37:09,214 --> 01:37:10,607
Hey! Been meaning
to ask you...
1924
01:37:10,650 --> 01:37:13,915
what's with the dirty,
disgusting hobo bear?
1925
01:37:13,958 --> 01:37:17,135
It's not dirt. It's the blood
of my dead daughter.
1926
01:37:17,179 --> 01:37:19,877
Are You Bear, God?
It's Me, Margaret.
1927
01:37:19,921 --> 01:37:21,357
Give me some.
1928
01:37:21,400 --> 01:37:22,967
They say
laughter heals anything...
1929
01:37:23,011 --> 01:37:24,142
except, of course, that.
1930
01:37:24,186 --> 01:37:25,404
We should just cue the music.
1931
01:37:26,536 --> 01:37:28,407
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
1932
01:37:50,560 --> 01:37:53,258
Welcome home, Russell.
We missed you.
1933
01:37:54,477 --> 01:37:55,521
Russell!
1934
01:37:55,565 --> 01:37:58,960
You don't need to do this!
Let's talk!
1935
01:37:59,003 --> 01:38:00,328
Why are you dressed
like the Unabomber?
1936
01:38:00,352 --> 01:38:02,006
[YELLING]
1937
01:38:04,661 --> 01:38:05,923
That's why!
1938
01:38:05,967 --> 01:38:07,292
Told you this little fucker's
too far gone.
1939
01:38:07,316 --> 01:38:09,033
Zip it, Thanos!
We have a deal and you fuck...
1940
01:38:09,057 --> 01:38:11,537
[GROANS]
JUGGERNAUT: Hey!
1941
01:38:11,581 --> 01:38:14,714
I'm gonna shove that
cab driver right up your ass.
1942
01:38:15,846 --> 01:38:18,022
My body and my hands
are so soft.
1943
01:38:18,066 --> 01:38:19,304
You should probably
head back to the car.
1944
01:38:19,328 --> 01:38:21,025
I think I'll head
back to the car.
1945
01:38:22,200 --> 01:38:24,899
It works best
when you pull the trigger.
1946
01:38:26,596 --> 01:38:27,771
[GROANS]
1947
01:38:27,814 --> 01:38:29,077
That gun is amazing!
1948
01:38:30,426 --> 01:38:31,644
RUSSELL: Say it!
1949
01:38:33,820 --> 01:38:36,867
You are an abomination!
1950
01:38:36,911 --> 01:38:38,042
[GRUNTS]
1951
01:38:44,135 --> 01:38:47,443
Now, I'm gonna shove
the red guy up the old guy.
1952
01:38:47,486 --> 01:38:49,924
I believe him!
Every man for themselves!
1953
01:38:54,276 --> 01:38:55,364
Gotcha!
1954
01:38:56,147 --> 01:38:57,322
JUGGERNAUT: Beat it, midget!
1955
01:39:00,325 --> 01:39:03,415
Hey, big guy,
the sun's getting real low!
1956
01:39:03,459 --> 01:39:04,547
Oh, shit fuck!
1957
01:39:05,113 --> 01:39:06,462
[SCREAMING]
1958
01:39:17,038 --> 01:39:18,387
[JUGGERNAUT LAUGHS]
1959
01:39:18,430 --> 01:39:19,997
Come here, beautiful.
1960
01:39:27,787 --> 01:39:28,919
Whoo!
1961
01:39:38,102 --> 01:39:39,190
RUSSELL: Say it!
1962
01:39:54,292 --> 01:39:56,164
[IN YOUR EYESPLAYING]
1963
01:40:57,312 --> 01:40:58,443
[DEADPOOL GROANS]
1964
01:41:01,272 --> 01:41:02,621
[MUMBLES]
1965
01:41:02,665 --> 01:41:03,796
You came for me.
1966
01:41:03,840 --> 01:41:05,276
I'm not giving up on you,
1967
01:41:05,320 --> 01:41:07,452
and you are not
giving up on that boy.
1968
01:41:07,496 --> 01:41:09,541
Who says that rules
aren't meant to be broken?
1969
01:41:09,585 --> 01:41:11,978
It's time to fight dirty.
1970
01:41:12,022 --> 01:41:13,371
Time to sweep the leg, Johnny.
1971
01:41:13,415 --> 01:41:16,200
Hey! Pick on someone
your own size!
1972
01:41:16,244 --> 01:41:18,333
That's such
a you thing to say!
1973
01:41:18,376 --> 01:41:20,335
Go get him, tiger!
1974
01:41:20,378 --> 01:41:22,250
Big CGI fight coming up!
1975
01:41:23,251 --> 01:41:24,730
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1976
01:41:25,253 --> 01:41:26,645
[MUSIC PLAYING]
1977
01:41:31,172 --> 01:41:33,391
[GRUNTS]
1978
01:41:33,435 --> 01:41:35,306
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[BONE CRACKS]
1979
01:41:35,350 --> 01:41:36,481
[SCREAMS]
1980
01:41:45,316 --> 01:41:46,709
He's doing great.
1981
01:41:46,752 --> 01:41:47,971
RUSSELL: Say it!
1982
01:41:52,149 --> 01:41:53,542
Russell.
DEADPOOL: Bingo!
1983
01:41:56,806 --> 01:41:58,068
[GROANING]
1984
01:41:58,938 --> 01:42:00,940
JUGGERNAUT: You see that bus?
1985
01:42:00,984 --> 01:42:02,184
I'm gonna
shove it up your ass.
1986
01:42:02,725 --> 01:42:04,030
[METAL CLANGS]
1987
01:42:04,074 --> 01:42:05,510
[GROANS]
1988
01:42:05,554 --> 01:42:07,512
That's right!
I'm fighting dirty!
1989
01:42:08,426 --> 01:42:09,471
Oh, great!
1990
01:42:09,514 --> 01:42:10,926
ORDERLY: There they are!
Those freaks!
1991
01:42:10,950 --> 01:42:13,059
DEADPOOL: A bunch of armed
pedophiles in nursing shoes.
1992
01:42:13,083 --> 01:42:15,216
Can I have
one of those guns?
1993
01:42:15,259 --> 01:42:17,087
No.That's fine.
1994
01:42:17,131 --> 01:42:19,089
Get off this property,
mutant scum!
1995
01:42:19,133 --> 01:42:20,293
I'm just gonna
use this brick.
1996
01:42:20,873 --> 01:42:21,961
Maximum effort.
1997
01:42:22,005 --> 01:42:23,398
[BOTH GRUNTING]
1998
01:42:28,011 --> 01:42:29,752
Who says you
can't go home again?
1999
01:42:31,754 --> 01:42:33,103
[ALL GRUNTING]
2000
01:42:38,848 --> 01:42:40,241
[SCREAMS]
CHILDREN: Oh!
2001
01:42:46,899 --> 01:42:47,900
CHILDREN: Yeah!
2002
01:42:50,120 --> 01:42:51,774
Say it.
2003
01:42:51,817 --> 01:42:54,864
Say what you said
every time you tortured me!
2004
01:42:55,386 --> 01:42:56,735
Say it!
2005
01:42:56,779 --> 01:42:59,477
Blessed are the wicked
who are healed by my hand!
2006
01:43:00,696 --> 01:43:02,828
Blessed are the wicked...
2007
01:43:02,872 --> 01:43:04,090
who are healed...
2008
01:43:04,569 --> 01:43:06,092
by my hand.
2009
01:43:07,006 --> 01:43:08,312
[YELLS]
2010
01:43:18,279 --> 01:43:19,715
[BOTH GRUNTING]
2011
01:43:24,154 --> 01:43:25,851
You commie motherfucker!
2012
01:43:30,073 --> 01:43:31,205
[CHILDREN CHEERING]
2013
01:43:32,423 --> 01:43:33,511
[SPITS]
2014
01:43:33,555 --> 01:43:35,121
[YELLS]
2015
01:43:40,344 --> 01:43:41,563
[GROANS]
2016
01:43:52,922 --> 01:43:55,446
DEADPOOL: Oh, my God.
Did you feel that, too?
2017
01:43:55,490 --> 01:43:57,709
Only best buddies
execute pedophiles together.
2018
01:44:00,582 --> 01:44:02,932
You got 30 seconds,
you jabbering butt plug!
2019
01:44:02,975 --> 01:44:04,194
Now we're getting it.
2020
01:44:06,849 --> 01:44:08,851
[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]
2021
01:44:08,894 --> 01:44:11,157
I need a bus
to get you all out of here.
2022
01:44:11,201 --> 01:44:12,202
[GASPS]
2023
01:44:13,029 --> 01:44:14,596
[CAR ALARM WAILING]
2024
01:44:16,424 --> 01:44:17,468
Orphans.
2025
01:44:18,643 --> 01:44:19,862
Oh, geez.
2026
01:44:21,298 --> 01:44:23,996
It's time to burn
for what you've done!
2027
01:44:24,040 --> 01:44:26,521
A child should not be burdened
with such power!
2028
01:44:34,093 --> 01:44:35,312
[RUSSELL GRUNTS]
2029
01:44:35,356 --> 01:44:36,400
Russell! Wait!
2030
01:44:42,406 --> 01:44:43,712
DEADPOOL: Oh!
2031
01:44:50,936 --> 01:44:53,069
Wait! He hasn't killed
anyone yet!
2032
01:44:53,112 --> 01:44:55,134
What more do you need to see?
Don't you fucking dare!
2033
01:44:55,158 --> 01:44:56,333
He's just a kid!
2034
01:44:56,377 --> 01:44:58,292
Tick, tock. Meter's running!
2035
01:45:07,388 --> 01:45:08,693
[COLOSSUS GROANS]
2036
01:45:11,000 --> 01:45:14,046
I'm gonna melt you down
and make a cock ring.
2037
01:45:19,443 --> 01:45:20,618
[GRUNTS]
2038
01:45:21,793 --> 01:45:23,142
[GROWLS]
2039
01:45:25,971 --> 01:45:27,321
[GRUNTS]
2040
01:45:27,364 --> 01:45:29,497
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[GROANING]
2041
01:45:34,415 --> 01:45:37,069
I told you! Leave me alone! Come on!
2042
01:45:37,592 --> 01:45:38,723
Listen to me!
2043
01:45:41,900 --> 01:45:43,424
[RUSSELL SCREAMING]
2044
01:45:43,467 --> 01:45:45,687
[BOTH GRUNTING]
2045
01:45:48,733 --> 01:45:49,952
[GRUNTS]
2046
01:46:01,964 --> 01:46:03,618
COLOSSUS: [SCOFFS]
That's how we do it
2047
01:46:03,661 --> 01:46:05,141
in Mother Russia.
2048
01:46:06,098 --> 01:46:07,317
[GROANS]
2049
01:46:07,361 --> 01:46:09,885
They say millennials are
the hardest to reach.
2050
01:46:11,277 --> 01:46:14,498
CABLE: Oh, no.
You're doing amazing.
2051
01:46:14,542 --> 01:46:15,760
[GROWLS]
2052
01:46:15,804 --> 01:46:18,676
Damn, it feels good
to be a gangsta!
2053
01:46:18,720 --> 01:46:20,548
Go home, Wade!
2054
01:46:20,591 --> 01:46:22,419
You're ruining everything!
2055
01:46:27,772 --> 01:46:29,121
I'm getting good at this shit.
2056
01:46:29,165 --> 01:46:30,471
DEADPOOL: Go, go, go!
2057
01:46:30,514 --> 01:46:31,689
[GRUNTS]
2058
01:46:33,691 --> 01:46:35,650
He dies tonight, Wade.
2059
01:46:35,693 --> 01:46:38,174
You can't stop me!
2060
01:46:38,217 --> 01:46:40,089
CABLE: He even runs
like a fucking pervert.
2061
01:46:40,132 --> 01:46:42,874
Like an online predator
who lost his laptop.
2062
01:46:44,310 --> 01:46:45,790
There's one bullet left
in that gun.
2063
01:46:45,834 --> 01:46:47,836
Wait, wait, wait!
Please, just give me a second!
2064
01:46:47,879 --> 01:46:49,359
I got this.
2065
01:46:49,403 --> 01:46:51,622
Russell! Stay back! Go home, Wade!
2066
01:46:51,666 --> 01:46:54,364
Let's talk. It doesn't
have to go this way!
2067
01:46:54,408 --> 01:46:56,061
That piece of shit...
2068
01:46:56,105 --> 01:46:57,846
he deserves to die
for what he did to you.
2069
01:46:57,889 --> 01:47:01,284
He hurt you badly.
Makes you wanna hurt others.
2070
01:47:02,154 --> 01:47:03,939
But if you kill him, he wins.
2071
01:47:03,982 --> 01:47:07,856
You become everything
he says you are, but worse.
2072
01:47:07,899 --> 01:47:09,901
You're just a kid.
2073
01:47:09,945 --> 01:47:11,686
You don't wanna hurt anyone.
2074
01:47:11,729 --> 01:47:12,991
How do you know what I want?
2075
01:47:13,035 --> 01:47:14,645
Because I've been inside you.
2076
01:47:15,341 --> 01:47:17,213
That came out wrong.
2077
01:47:17,256 --> 01:47:18,954
I've been inside your shoes.
2078
01:47:18,997 --> 01:47:20,869
Which is also off-putting.
2079
01:47:20,912 --> 01:47:22,392
It's not a great analogy.
2080
01:47:22,436 --> 01:47:24,263
The point is...
2081
01:47:24,307 --> 01:47:26,004
there are people...
2082
01:47:26,048 --> 01:47:29,094
There are people
in this fucking world...
2083
01:47:29,138 --> 01:47:31,836
besides him,
who will treat you right.
2084
01:47:31,880 --> 01:47:34,491
It isn't too late.
Don't do it.
2085
01:47:40,062 --> 01:47:42,456
I never should've left
you there.
2086
01:47:44,196 --> 01:47:46,068
I never should've left you
in that prison.
2087
01:47:53,162 --> 01:47:54,468
I can't trust you.
2088
01:47:56,165 --> 01:47:58,515
I can't trust anybody!
2089
01:47:59,560 --> 01:48:01,039
[GROANING]
2090
01:48:07,742 --> 01:48:09,004
Wonderful kid.
2091
01:48:09,047 --> 01:48:10,832
RUSSELL:
You can't stop me, Wade!
2092
01:48:10,875 --> 01:48:12,094
[DEADPOOL GROANS]
2093
01:48:13,051 --> 01:48:15,314
I got one more idea.
2094
01:48:15,358 --> 01:48:18,274
It's just a really bad one,
even for me.
2095
01:48:18,317 --> 01:48:19,580
Wade, what are you doing?
2096
01:48:19,623 --> 01:48:21,930
All right. This is for
all the marbles, kid!
2097
01:48:21,973 --> 01:48:24,062
You're gonna kill
someone today...
2098
01:48:24,106 --> 01:48:25,542
Blessed are the wicked...
2099
01:48:25,586 --> 01:48:27,501
...then it's gotta be me.
2100
01:48:28,589 --> 01:48:30,504
...who are healed by my hand!
2101
01:48:33,594 --> 01:48:36,031
[MOUTHS] Fuck this!
2102
01:48:37,511 --> 01:48:39,164
[TOMORROWPLAYING]
2103
01:48:40,339 --> 01:48:42,472
[GIRL SINGING]
2104
01:49:34,350 --> 01:49:35,569
[GROANS]
2105
01:49:36,744 --> 01:49:39,703
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
2106
01:49:41,618 --> 01:49:43,098
[DEADPOOL COUGHING]
2107
01:49:44,708 --> 01:49:46,231
Oh, that's not good.
2108
01:49:47,798 --> 01:49:49,234
No, sir.
2109
01:49:56,851 --> 01:49:59,767
You sacrificed yourself
for me.
2110
01:50:00,202 --> 01:50:01,377
Yeah.
2111
01:50:01,420 --> 01:50:03,640
And it was the best thing
I ever did.
2112
01:50:03,684 --> 01:50:05,555
[COUGHING]
2113
01:50:05,599 --> 01:50:07,688
I told you
I care about you.
2114
01:50:07,731 --> 01:50:09,515
You're a good kid, Russell.
2115
01:50:11,213 --> 01:50:12,301
Hey.
2116
01:50:13,607 --> 01:50:14,825
The bear.
2117
01:50:14,869 --> 01:50:16,261
It worked.
2118
01:50:23,225 --> 01:50:24,835
Because of you.
2119
01:50:24,879 --> 01:50:27,185
No, Wade, because of you.
2120
01:50:28,056 --> 01:50:30,145
Stop, stop, stop!
2121
01:50:30,188 --> 01:50:31,363
Stop!
2122
01:50:32,538 --> 01:50:35,498
Just let it happen, okay?
2123
01:50:35,541 --> 01:50:39,241
I guess my heart was finally
in the right place.
2124
01:50:39,284 --> 01:50:41,678
[GROANS] That riddle
is so fucked up.
2125
01:50:44,072 --> 01:50:46,465
[GROANS, COUGHS]
2126
01:50:46,509 --> 01:50:48,903
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
2127
01:50:48,946 --> 01:50:50,295
Don't be. Don't be.
2128
01:50:50,339 --> 01:50:52,558
I've been trying to make
this happen for a while.
2129
01:50:52,602 --> 01:50:54,256
Please, just don't leave me.
2130
01:50:54,299 --> 01:50:55,910
I don't wanna die
without an audience.
2131
01:50:55,953 --> 01:50:57,607
We are not going anywhere.
2132
01:50:57,651 --> 01:50:59,740
WADE: Oh, God, I hope
the Academy is watching.
2133
01:50:59,783 --> 01:51:00,915
Just rest, okay?
2134
01:51:02,743 --> 01:51:03,831
Papa.
2135
01:51:06,050 --> 01:51:08,009
♪ Papa, can you hear me? ♪
2136
01:51:10,272 --> 01:51:16,278
♪ Papa, can you find me
in the night? ♪
2137
01:51:37,560 --> 01:51:39,301
Before I go... [COUGHS]
2138
01:51:39,344 --> 01:51:41,042
Sorry, I got a bit more in me.
2139
01:51:41,651 --> 01:51:43,000
Domino.
2140
01:51:43,044 --> 01:51:47,483
I want you to have
my Adventure Timewatch.
2141
01:51:47,526 --> 01:51:49,964
[WADE COUGHING]
2142
01:51:50,007 --> 01:51:52,880
Turns out
that I'm the lucky one.
2143
01:51:53,663 --> 01:51:54,751
Thank you.
2144
01:51:56,100 --> 01:51:59,364
Hey, Sabrina,
the Teenage Witch.
2145
01:51:59,408 --> 01:52:01,715
I liked you better
with your hair short.
2146
01:52:01,758 --> 01:52:02,890
Think everyone did.
2147
01:52:03,717 --> 01:52:06,458
Hi, Yukio. Hi, Wade!
2148
01:52:06,502 --> 01:52:08,417
[CHUCKLES]
2149
01:52:08,460 --> 01:52:09,548
And you...
2150
01:52:10,071 --> 01:52:12,073
Chrome Bone.
2151
01:52:12,116 --> 01:52:15,032
I haven't always been
the best friend to you.
2152
01:52:15,076 --> 01:52:17,382
But you've always been
that to me.
2153
01:52:17,426 --> 01:52:18,775
So thank you.
2154
01:52:20,951 --> 01:52:22,561
Say "fuck" for me.
2155
01:52:23,388 --> 01:52:24,694
Just once. Come on,
2156
01:52:24,738 --> 01:52:26,348
we'll do it together.
It's no big deal.
2157
01:52:26,391 --> 01:52:29,438
Here we go. One, two, three.
F... F... F...
2158
01:52:29,481 --> 01:52:30,656
Fuck.
2159
01:52:30,700 --> 01:52:33,964
Wow! Enjoy hell, swamp mouth.
[CHUCKLES]
2160
01:52:35,313 --> 01:52:38,403
And you, Cable. [COUGHS]
2161
01:52:38,447 --> 01:52:42,930
You get back to your family.
You tell 'em Wade says hi.
2162
01:52:42,973 --> 01:52:46,629
And promise me.
Promise me one thing.
2163
01:52:46,672 --> 01:52:48,065
That you'll start
judging people...
2164
01:52:48,109 --> 01:52:49,501
not by the color
of their skin,
2165
01:52:49,545 --> 01:52:51,416
but by the content
of their character.
2166
01:52:52,156 --> 01:52:53,767
Jesus.
WADE: R-Dog?
2167
01:52:54,942 --> 01:52:57,422
There you are. Hey!
2168
01:52:57,466 --> 01:52:59,685
You're a superhero now, bubba.
2169
01:52:59,729 --> 01:53:02,732
That's why it's high time
that you had a super suit.
2170
01:53:02,776 --> 01:53:04,168
This one is yours.
2171
01:53:04,212 --> 01:53:05,953
You might wanna
get it steam cleaned.
2172
01:53:05,996 --> 01:53:07,432
Especially around the pants.
2173
01:53:07,476 --> 01:53:09,173
And let it out
a little in the waist.
2174
01:53:10,131 --> 01:53:11,132
But, hey.
2175
01:53:12,176 --> 01:53:13,525
Look.
2176
01:53:13,569 --> 01:53:16,180
Family is not an F-word.
2177
01:53:16,920 --> 01:53:18,269
All right?
2178
01:53:18,313 --> 01:53:20,750
There's one out there
for you. [COUGHS]
2179
01:53:20,794 --> 01:53:22,491
Just keep looking, okay?
2180
01:53:25,973 --> 01:53:28,758
Guys, for a second there...
2181
01:53:29,585 --> 01:53:31,717
we made a pretty good team.
2182
01:53:37,854 --> 01:53:39,421
[SIGHS]
2183
01:53:46,776 --> 01:53:48,778
Oh, it's so hard to go.
2184
01:53:49,170 --> 01:53:50,301
[WHINES]
2185
01:53:50,345 --> 01:53:52,651
I just love being around
you guys so much.
2186
01:53:53,739 --> 01:53:54,958
So, so much.
2187
01:53:55,698 --> 01:53:57,047
Mmm.
2188
01:53:57,091 --> 01:53:59,920
No, I can feel it now.
Here it comes, yeah.
2189
01:53:59,963 --> 01:54:03,793
I feel the soul
exiting the husk.
2190
01:54:03,837 --> 01:54:04,838
Yeah.
2191
01:54:06,709 --> 01:54:09,190
Can you see it?
2192
01:54:09,233 --> 01:54:11,409
Do you see
that beautiful bright light?
2193
01:54:12,889 --> 01:54:14,021
There it is.
2194
01:54:20,288 --> 01:54:21,550
Oh, that's the sun.
2195
01:54:21,593 --> 01:54:23,465
Don't stare
directly into that.
2196
01:54:23,508 --> 01:54:24,945
I just have a few final words.
2197
01:54:24,988 --> 01:54:26,033
[EXHALES]
2198
01:54:27,164 --> 01:54:28,557
Woodpecker.
2199
01:54:29,340 --> 01:54:30,689
Gingivitis.
2200
01:54:32,735 --> 01:54:34,084
Codswallop.
2201
01:54:38,436 --> 01:54:40,395
Do You Want to
Build a Snowman?
2202
01:55:07,726 --> 01:55:09,903
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]
2203
01:55:55,383 --> 01:55:56,601
Sorry I'm late.
2204
01:55:56,645 --> 01:55:58,342
There was a bunch
2205
01:55:58,386 --> 01:55:59,754
of handicapable children
who were stuck in a tree.
2206
01:55:59,778 --> 01:56:01,998
No.No.
2207
01:56:02,042 --> 01:56:05,132
But I did have to help a kid.Yeah.
2208
01:56:05,175 --> 01:56:07,090
He's got a terrible name. It's just awful.
2209
01:56:07,134 --> 01:56:08,135
Ugh. I tried to tell him.
2210
01:56:10,485 --> 01:56:11,921
Is this heaven?
2211
01:56:12,791 --> 01:56:13,967
It is now.
2212
01:56:17,448 --> 01:56:19,320
I am so sorry.
2213
01:56:20,147 --> 01:56:21,496
VANESSA: It's okay.
2214
01:56:41,342 --> 01:56:43,213
I missed you so much.
2215
01:56:48,827 --> 01:56:50,481
What is it? What's wrong?
2216
01:56:52,396 --> 01:56:54,485
It's not time.
2217
01:56:54,529 --> 01:56:56,531
What do you mean
it's not time?
2218
01:56:56,574 --> 01:56:58,185
I'm here, I made it.
2219
01:56:58,228 --> 01:56:59,969
You can't stay. No, no, no.
2220
01:57:00,013 --> 01:57:02,667
I'm staying. I'm not going
anywhere without you.
2221
01:57:02,711 --> 01:57:04,147
It's okay.
2222
01:57:04,191 --> 01:57:07,020
There's a time for us.
It's just not now.
2223
01:57:08,064 --> 01:57:10,501
They need you. Who?
2224
01:57:12,547 --> 01:57:13,852
VANESSA: Your F-word.
2225
01:57:15,115 --> 01:57:16,116
WADE: Why?
2226
01:57:16,159 --> 01:57:17,160
VANESSA: You'll find out.
2227
01:57:18,422 --> 01:57:19,989
It's all right. I'll be here.
2228
01:57:21,338 --> 01:57:24,124
It's pretty fucking
awesome over here.
2229
01:57:24,167 --> 01:57:26,082
I can have anything I want.
2230
01:57:26,126 --> 01:57:28,258
Can every day be
International Women's Day?
2231
01:57:28,302 --> 01:57:29,868
It is heaven.
2232
01:57:29,912 --> 01:57:31,131
I love you.
2233
01:57:33,655 --> 01:57:36,397
I know. I love you, too.
2234
01:57:37,006 --> 01:57:38,399
Now, go.
2235
01:57:39,269 --> 01:57:41,271
Go on. Go, get out of here.
2236
01:57:42,316 --> 01:57:43,317
Go.
2237
01:57:46,146 --> 01:57:47,146
Hey!
2238
01:57:50,150 --> 01:57:52,282
Kiss me
like you miss me, Red.
2239
01:57:52,935 --> 01:57:54,067
Well, come here.
2240
01:58:13,390 --> 01:58:15,131
Don't fuck Elvis.
2241
01:58:15,175 --> 01:58:16,915
Ooh, too late. I'm sorry?
2242
01:58:21,877 --> 01:58:23,357
[SCREAMING]
2243
01:58:26,403 --> 01:58:27,665
Time to make the chimichangas.
2244
01:58:27,709 --> 01:58:28,840
30 seconds.
2245
01:58:28,884 --> 01:58:30,146
Hey. Been meaning
to ask you...
2246
01:58:30,190 --> 01:58:32,670
what's with the creepy,
dirty hobo bear?
2247
01:58:32,714 --> 01:58:34,890
It's my daughter's teddy bear.
2248
01:58:34,933 --> 01:58:36,457
Her name's Hope.
2249
01:58:36,500 --> 01:58:37,632
DEADPOOL: Well...
2250
01:58:38,459 --> 01:58:40,374
What are you doing?
2251
01:58:40,417 --> 01:58:42,071
Somebody swiped right.
2252
01:58:42,115 --> 01:58:43,942
[FAST-FORWARDING]
2253
01:58:52,908 --> 01:58:54,779
[GROANS]
2254
01:58:54,823 --> 01:58:57,608
Tell me they got that
in slow motion.
2255
01:58:57,652 --> 01:58:59,306
[DEADPOOL GROANS]
2256
01:59:00,524 --> 01:59:02,309
RUSSELL: You sacrificed
yourself for me.
2257
01:59:02,352 --> 01:59:03,875
DEADPOOL: It would seem I...
2258
01:59:06,051 --> 01:59:07,314
Huh?
2259
01:59:08,445 --> 01:59:10,795
Genuine, high-grade lead.
2260
01:59:12,710 --> 01:59:15,757
You time-sliding
son of a bitch!
2261
01:59:15,800 --> 01:59:17,367
You did this for me?
2262
01:59:19,239 --> 01:59:22,329
Wait. You can't go back.
2263
01:59:22,372 --> 01:59:23,678
You used
the last of your fuel.
2264
01:59:23,721 --> 01:59:25,462
What about your girl,
your wife?
2265
01:59:25,506 --> 01:59:28,770
Now, my family's safe.
And I didn't do it for you.
2266
01:59:30,250 --> 01:59:32,687
No, I'm gonna stick around
for a while...
2267
01:59:32,730 --> 01:59:33,992
and make sure the world
2268
01:59:34,036 --> 01:59:35,733
doesn't shit itself
into oblivion.
2269
01:59:36,430 --> 01:59:39,302
No. You did it for me.
2270
01:59:40,085 --> 01:59:41,522
No, I didn't.
2271
01:59:41,565 --> 01:59:43,001
You did. I really didn't.
2272
01:59:43,045 --> 01:59:44,885
Pretty sure you did.
No, I'm positive I didn't.
2273
01:59:44,916 --> 01:59:46,701
Fine. All right,
let's flip a coin. Okay?
2274
01:59:46,744 --> 01:59:49,486
Heads, you did it for me.
Tails, you did it for me.
2275
01:59:49,530 --> 01:59:52,315
I'm not even gonna look,
because you did it for me.
2276
01:59:52,359 --> 01:59:53,490
Say it again.
2277
01:59:53,534 --> 01:59:55,144
He did it for me. CABLE: Jesus.
2278
01:59:55,188 --> 01:59:56,991
We must get the collar off.
Forget it. It's no use.
2279
01:59:57,015 --> 01:59:58,930
These collars
don't just come off.
2280
01:59:58,974 --> 02:00:00,454
Wade.
2281
02:00:00,497 --> 02:00:02,412
I have an idea.
2282
02:00:02,456 --> 02:00:04,588
No, no, no!
Let's not do that. Please!
2283
02:00:04,632 --> 02:00:07,069
I'd rather die of cancer.
Let's just...
2284
02:00:07,112 --> 02:00:10,246
Oh, God! They do say the pen
is grosser than the sword.
2285
02:00:10,290 --> 02:00:12,596
[COLLAR BUZZING]
RUSSELL: We need the code.
2286
02:00:12,640 --> 02:00:14,555
Try, uh, seven?
2287
02:00:14,598 --> 02:00:16,209
DEADPOOL: Settle down,
Captain Lucky.
2288
02:00:16,252 --> 02:00:17,688
It's not gonna be one number.
2289
02:00:17,732 --> 02:00:18,892
Oh, God, that's lazy writing.
2290
02:00:19,821 --> 02:00:21,170
I still got it.
2291
02:00:22,389 --> 02:00:24,173
[DEADPOOL GROANS]
2292
02:00:24,217 --> 02:00:26,175
Put that back
in your prison wallet.
2293
02:00:27,872 --> 02:00:29,787
I don't know how to thank you.
2294
02:00:29,831 --> 02:00:31,746
But I do know how to hug you.
2295
02:00:31,789 --> 02:00:33,095
No.Yes.
2296
02:00:33,138 --> 02:00:34,618
Here we go. Bring it in.
2297
02:00:34,662 --> 02:00:35,750
Come on.
2298
02:00:35,793 --> 02:00:37,230
Pelvis to pelvis.
2299
02:00:37,273 --> 02:00:38,622
Let's go tip to tip.
2300
02:00:38,666 --> 02:00:41,234
There we go.
The kids call this docking.
2301
02:00:41,277 --> 02:00:42,887
[KNIFE UNSHEATHES]
2302
02:00:42,931 --> 02:00:44,498
Is there a knife in my dick?
2303
02:00:44,541 --> 02:00:46,345
There's a knife in your dick.
I'm just gonna back up now.
2304
02:00:46,369 --> 02:00:48,284
Yeah, yeah. No need to go full Yentl.
2305
02:00:48,328 --> 02:00:51,113
Gonna pretend
like that never happened.
2306
02:00:51,156 --> 02:00:53,071
Let's go home, Russell.
2307
02:00:56,727 --> 02:00:58,512
All you dirty mutants
2308
02:00:58,555 --> 02:01:01,123
are gonna rot in hell
with the boy!
2309
02:01:01,166 --> 02:01:04,257
Your souls
are beyond redemption!
2310
02:01:04,300 --> 02:01:05,562
Let's see your soul, perv!
2311
02:01:05,606 --> 02:01:08,435
No, no! No! No more!
We're better than that!
2312
02:01:08,478 --> 02:01:09,784
We're better than him!
2313
02:01:09,827 --> 02:01:12,439
No more senseless violence!
No more bloodshed!
2314
02:01:12,482 --> 02:01:14,092
We'll let karma
take care of him.
2315
02:01:14,136 --> 02:01:17,139
The day of reckoning is here!
2316
02:01:18,096 --> 02:01:19,402
[TIRES SCREECHING]
2317
02:01:19,446 --> 02:01:20,621
[CRASHING]
2318
02:01:26,453 --> 02:01:28,542
I'm gonna miss him.
He seemed great.
2319
02:01:28,585 --> 02:01:29,804
Whoo!
2320
02:01:29,847 --> 02:01:31,458
Courage, motherfuckers!
2321
02:01:31,501 --> 02:01:32,981
And karma, motherfucker.
2322
02:01:33,024 --> 02:01:34,437
DEADPOOL: I could hear you
coming the last 30 seconds.
2323
02:01:34,461 --> 02:01:36,463
I could barely keep
a straight face. [LAUGHS]
2324
02:01:36,506 --> 02:01:38,421
I want some more.
2325
02:01:38,465 --> 02:01:40,205
I bet you do, Brown Panther.
2326
02:01:40,249 --> 02:01:43,774
We should leave
before Fuckernaut wakes up.
2327
02:01:43,818 --> 02:01:46,081
Good call.
You guys coming with us?
2328
02:01:46,124 --> 02:01:48,083
No, we'll get the kids
back to the mansion.
2329
02:01:48,126 --> 02:01:49,650
Besides, we're X-Men.
2330
02:01:49,693 --> 02:01:52,348
No, you're X-People.
2331
02:01:52,392 --> 02:01:53,741
You're exhausting.
2332
02:01:53,784 --> 02:01:55,569
I see what you did there.
Puns.
2333
02:01:55,612 --> 02:01:57,048
Our door's always open.
2334
02:01:57,092 --> 02:01:58,876
That's kind, but
I'm not ready to date again.
2335
02:01:58,920 --> 02:01:59,921
Let alone two women.
2336
02:02:01,052 --> 02:02:02,750
God, you're a douche.
2337
02:02:02,793 --> 02:02:04,926
Bye, Wade! Bye, Yukio!
2338
02:02:04,969 --> 02:02:06,710
[WE BELONGPLAYING]
2339
02:02:07,624 --> 02:02:08,930
DEADPOOL: What do you get
2340
02:02:08,973 --> 02:02:09,887
when you take
eight feet of chrome...
2341
02:02:09,931 --> 02:02:11,106
one pinch of courage...
2342
02:02:11,149 --> 02:02:12,368
a cup of good luck...
2343
02:02:12,412 --> 02:02:13,978
a dab of racism...
2344
02:02:14,022 --> 02:02:15,545
a splash of diabetes...
2345
02:02:15,589 --> 02:02:17,982
and a wheelbarrow
full of stage four cancer?
2346
02:02:18,026 --> 02:02:20,724
Answer: a family.
2347
02:02:20,768 --> 02:02:23,901
See? I didn't lie
what kind of film this was.
2348
02:02:23,945 --> 02:02:25,488
If there's anything
you take away today...
2349
02:02:25,512 --> 02:02:28,471
other than the need to Google,
"What the fuck is dubstep?"...
2350
02:02:28,515 --> 02:02:31,344
it's that we all need
to belong to someone.
2351
02:04:28,417 --> 02:04:30,158
How something
so small generates
2352
02:04:30,201 --> 02:04:31,768
enough energy
to reverse time is...
2353
02:04:31,812 --> 02:04:34,205
Oh, just fix it, Eleven,
2354
02:04:34,249 --> 02:04:36,512
or I'll take it
to the Genius Bar.
2355
02:04:36,556 --> 02:04:37,794
Cable's gonna kill you
when he finds out.
2356
02:04:37,818 --> 02:04:38,862
Never heard of him.
2357
02:04:38,906 --> 02:04:40,385
Why do you think
I'm helping him?
2358
02:04:41,648 --> 02:04:43,911
The Lord works
in mysterious ways,
2359
02:04:43,954 --> 02:04:46,217
don't I? A good day.
2360
02:04:46,957 --> 02:04:47,958
Bye, Wade!
2361
02:04:48,481 --> 02:04:49,482
Bye, Yukio!
2362
02:04:50,787 --> 02:04:53,311
That was probably a bad idea.
2363
02:04:53,355 --> 02:04:54,356
What have we done?
2364
02:04:55,575 --> 02:04:57,272
[IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME
PLAYING]
2365
02:05:12,896 --> 02:05:14,942
I hope we sharpened
the cream cheese spreader.
2366
02:05:14,985 --> 02:05:16,334
[BOTH PANTING]
[GASPS]
2367
02:05:25,082 --> 02:05:26,519
I'll be right back!
2368
02:05:28,521 --> 02:05:31,045
We're definitely naming
our kid Cher!
2369
02:05:31,436 --> 02:05:32,437
Whoo!
2370
02:05:34,265 --> 02:05:35,571
DEADPOOL: Peter!
2371
02:05:35,615 --> 02:05:37,181
Whoo! X-Force!
2372
02:05:37,225 --> 02:05:40,271
Walk away! Just walk away!
2373
02:05:40,315 --> 02:05:42,317
But we're X-Force! Nope! We're not.
2374
02:05:42,360 --> 02:05:43,710
X-Force is just
a marketing tool
2375
02:05:43,753 --> 02:05:45,059
designed by Fox executives...
2376
02:05:45,102 --> 02:05:46,800
to keep Josh Brolin employed.
2377
02:05:46,843 --> 02:05:48,366
It doesn't exist.
2378
02:05:48,410 --> 02:05:51,718
All right, well,
this has been pretty scary!
2379
02:05:51,761 --> 02:05:53,458
And I need to feed my cat!
2380
02:05:53,502 --> 02:05:55,983
Go home, Sugarbear. Go home.
2381
02:05:56,026 --> 02:05:59,290
Okay. Will you give
Domino my email?
2382
02:06:08,473 --> 02:06:10,345
Wade, is that you?
2383
02:06:12,608 --> 02:06:13,957
I guess Stryker finally
2384
02:06:14,001 --> 02:06:15,393
figured out
how to shut you up.
2385
02:06:18,266 --> 02:06:19,615
[GUNSHOT]
2386
02:06:21,965 --> 02:06:25,360
Hey! It's me!
Don't scratch!
2387
02:06:25,403 --> 02:06:27,449
Just cleaning up
the timelines!
2388
02:06:27,492 --> 02:06:31,322
Look, eventually you're
going to hang up the claws...
2389
02:06:31,366 --> 02:06:33,586
and it's gonna make
a lot of people very sad.
2390
02:06:33,977 --> 02:06:35,370
Huh?
2391
02:06:35,413 --> 02:06:36,739
But one day, your old pal
Wade's gonna ask you...
2392
02:06:36,763 --> 02:06:38,721
to get back
in the saddle again.
2393
02:06:39,635 --> 02:06:42,159
And when he does,
say yes.
2394
02:06:43,421 --> 02:06:45,380
Oh, right.
[GUNSHOTS]
2395
02:06:46,294 --> 02:06:47,600
[WHISPERS] Love you!
2396
02:06:49,950 --> 02:06:51,604
Goddamn, that's beautiful.
2397
02:06:53,170 --> 02:06:54,171
[GUNSHOT]
2398
02:06:58,959 --> 02:07:00,787
You're welcome, Canada.
2399
02:07:13,321 --> 02:07:14,496
Boy howdy.
2400
02:07:16,367 --> 02:07:19,283
Hi. This is a toughie.
[BABY CRYING]
2401
02:07:19,327 --> 02:07:20,763
Yeesh.
2402
02:07:20,807 --> 02:07:24,201
Oh, yes. You're already
practicing your salute, huh?
2403
02:07:24,245 --> 02:07:27,074
Yes, you are. Well, we'll
take care of that, won't we?
2404
02:07:27,117 --> 02:07:29,903
Jesus Christ! This is
so much harder than I thought.
2405
02:07:30,730 --> 02:07:32,383
Oh, I'm going to hell.
2406
02:07:32,427 --> 02:07:34,124
That makes two of us.
2407
02:07:34,168 --> 02:07:35,778
You can do this.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
2408
02:07:35,822 --> 02:07:38,476
This is crazy. This is crazy.
This is crazy. This is crazy.
2409
02:07:38,520 --> 02:07:39,652
All right.
2410
02:07:40,740 --> 02:07:41,828
[SIGHS]
2411
02:07:47,007 --> 02:07:49,400
Maximum effort.
2412
02:07:49,444 --> 02:07:52,403
[IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME
CONTINUES PLAYING]
2413
02:09:10,655 --> 02:09:12,657
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
2414
02:12:56,838 --> 02:12:58,579
[CHOIR SINGING]
2415
02:13:27,086 --> 02:13:29,392
That's okay.
Let me see here.
2416
02:13:29,436 --> 02:13:30,959
Oh, God.
2417
02:13:31,003 --> 02:13:32,961
That's why you're
such a little bastard.
2418
02:13:33,005 --> 02:13:35,355
No one's ever changed you.
2419
02:13:35,398 --> 02:13:38,140
Yeah, you got a big, old
stinky in there, don't you?
2420
02:13:38,184 --> 02:13:41,013
God, it smells like
Hitler's anus...
2421
02:13:41,056 --> 02:13:43,624
which would makes sense,
wouldn't it? Yeah.
2422
02:13:43,667 --> 02:13:44,842
I think we both know
2423
02:13:44,886 --> 02:13:46,298
I don't have
what it takes to do this...
2424
02:13:46,322 --> 02:13:48,498
so I'm just gonna change
your diaper real quick...
2425
02:13:48,542 --> 02:13:50,476
and then I'm gonna come back
with my friend, Cable.
2426
02:13:50,500 --> 02:13:51,893
He loves killing kids.
167778
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