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1
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AH
2
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OK
3
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Wow
4
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-You like that baby? - Oh I love it.
5
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Oh Yea?
6
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Yea?
7
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Oh Shit!
8
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Not what it looks like babe.
9
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You're fucking my sister?
10
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[Sighs]
11
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You piece of shit!
12
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Baby. Baby!
13
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Don't "Baby" me.
14
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I thought you loved me.
15
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I do.
16
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AH!
17
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Oh, my God.
18
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Hi, Mrs. LeFebre.
19
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What happened to your purity ring?
20
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Oh!
21
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I found it earlier.
22
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Oh, dear God.
23
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Look, Melissa, I am sorry.
24
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I really am.
25
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Oh, don't you touch her!
26
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Okay. Okay.
27
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I'm just going to grab my things I'm gonna go.
28
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Uh ... [Bell Dings]
29
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My underwear. My underwear?
30
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Um, don't. I don't need it.
31
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I mean, I feel horrible.
32
00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:55,500
I genuinley, actually, liked her.
33
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I mean we could talk, we could laugh,
34
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We cuddle. I mean we even hated the same people.
35
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It's always nice when you hate the same people.
36
00:02:05,370 --> 00:02:10,110
Is't it though? It's just not fun when you feel like
you're being judged for judging someone else.
37
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Me and Emily made fun of an albino midget the other day.
38
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It was wrong, but romantic.
39
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I envy you guys.
40
00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:20,590
Then stop fuckin' up a good thing.
41
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,790
This is the third relationship you've ruined in the last year.
42
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My DICK. The third relationship my DICK has ruined.
43
00:02:28,630 --> 00:02:30,230
You can't control your dick?
44
00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:33,460
It's like babysitting a nine year old with A.D.D.
45
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I mean you try your best until he just wears you down.
46
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:40,880
Then you just give him whatever the hell he wants until his parents come home.
47
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But. But! His parents never come home.
48
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I can control mine.
49
00:02:48,180 --> 00:02:50,340
Not to be a dick, but,
50
00:02:50,340 --> 00:02:54,760
You're not presented with as many "Ass Getting" opportunities as I am.
51
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,750
-Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?
52
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You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you beat it to Indian porn when Emily goes to bed.
-Even if I were -What? - I'd Be -What?
53
00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:02,330
You wouldn't, please, I know for a fact you beat it to Indian porn when Emily goes to bed.
54
00:03:02,330 --> 00:03:06,330
-Ok don't act like you're above me. -It's not fucking other people.
55
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:09,300
Ok. Hypothetical.
56
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:14,550
So, a HOT, green eyed Indian girl walks up to you and
57
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BEGS you to fuck her.
58
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And there was no chance that Emily would find out. You would not do that?
59
00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:20,040
No.
60
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:22,970
But you'd Want to right? Isn't that just as bad?
61
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No it's only bad if you follow through.
62
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Whatever. Whatever.
63
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I mean we're just a bunch of bees trying to beat Biology. Boom. Case in point.
64
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,410
I will be back.
65
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:44,450
So.
66
00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,740
What is your name sweetheart?
67
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Carrie.
68
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,180
Carrie? Well i'm Rich.
69
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I mean that's my name, although I'm not struggling financially, so...
70
00:03:56,680 --> 00:03:58,370
You don't remember me do you?
71
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:00,370
Uh..
72
00:04:00,370 --> 00:04:02,050
Yes.
73
00:04:02,050 --> 00:04:06,170
Of course I remember you. Yea, no, we hooked up last September right?
74
00:04:06,170 --> 00:04:11,890
And then you told me you loved me, and then your Grandma died and then I deleted you from my phone.
75
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[Group Clamor]
76
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Oh my. Josh!
[Group Clamor]
77
00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:19,640
Oh my. Josh!
78
00:04:21,450 --> 00:04:23,640
Uh your testicles are in your stomach.
79
00:04:24,980 --> 00:04:28,090
K [Clears Throat] Alright. Is there anything that you can prescribe?
80
00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:31,270
Other than a cocktail of painkillers, no.
81
00:04:31,270 --> 00:04:34,980
You should use plenty of ice, substain from masturbation and
82
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Elevate the scrotum as often as possible.
83
00:04:38,620 --> 00:04:39,960
What about sex?
84
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,960
Oh I wouldn't reccomend it.
85
00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:43,960
Well what would happen if I did?
86
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Well I can't be sure.
87
00:04:45,890 --> 00:04:48,620
Your insurance wouldn't pay for it. [Laughs]
88
00:04:48,770 --> 00:04:52,750
But seriously, no sex for six weeks.
89
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:13,190
Pregnancy tests are right over here. Was there a special one you wanted?
90
00:05:13,340 --> 00:05:14,530
I don't know. Which ones the best?
91
00:05:14,590 --> 00:05:17,590
Well We've got plus-minus, we've got blue-red.
92
00:05:17,590 --> 00:05:20,230
And we've got crying baby-smiling woman.
93
00:05:20,230 --> 00:05:22,230
-Plus-minus.
-Excuse me?
94
00:05:22,230 --> 00:05:27,120
Plus-minus. Ya know, it's the easiest one to manipulate if you don't like the results.
95
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,010
Yea but that doesn't get rid of the baby.
96
00:05:29,010 --> 00:05:31,010
Well it will until you start to show.
97
00:05:33,090 --> 00:05:34,740
Plus-minus.
98
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You know it's not for me. It's for my friend.
She was too emabarrased to come here herself, so.
99
00:05:40,470 --> 00:05:42,070
No need to explain.
100
00:05:42,070 --> 00:05:44,490
Well I don't want you to think I'm this slut who thinks he's pregnant.
101
00:05:44,490 --> 00:05:47,980
Well I don't want you to think I'm some freak who plays around with pregnancy tests.
102
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:49,780
Yea how did you know that by the way?
103
00:05:49,780 --> 00:05:53,040
It was part of a prank that we played on this girl in college.
104
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You turned the negative into a positive?
105
00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,040
No a positive into a negative.
106
00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,420
And she started to grow, she had no clue what was going on.
107
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God thats horrible.
108
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:05,890
Yea and I started to feel guilty when she took up smoking to deal with the weight gain.
109
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Thats evil.
110
00:06:07,030 --> 00:06:09,030
Yea.
111
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,030
Is that cherry?
112
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Piña Coladas better.
113
00:06:13,570 --> 00:06:15,580
Wow you're a slurpy girl.
114
00:06:15,580 --> 00:06:20,030
Ya know, I thought big glasses, Caramel Macchiato girl.
115
00:06:20,030 --> 00:06:22,700
-Who says I can't do both?
-Versilte. I like that.
116
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:25,060
Gilrs gotta get her sugar from different sources.
117
00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:28,840
In case you should let me buy you a slurpy.
118
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,840
Or a Caramel Macchiato.
119
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,840
-Should I?
-You should.
120
00:06:32,840 --> 00:06:36,870
Throw in a Big Bite hot dog and a bag of chips, you got yourself a date.
121
00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:40,010
Oh thank heaven.
122
00:07:31,370 --> 00:07:36,920
-I am going to split you in half. Alright?
-Oh my God baby.
123
00:07:36,920 --> 00:07:38,920
Should I put my hair in pigtails?
124
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:41,340
Pigtails? Oh.
125
00:07:41,340 --> 00:07:42,890
I'll take that as a yes.
126
00:07:42,890 --> 00:07:45,240
You know I will not stop for pedestrians.
127
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,240
-Hurry back.
-Okay.
128
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Fuck!
129
00:08:04,470 --> 00:08:05,890
What the hell are you doing?
130
00:08:05,890 --> 00:08:09,410
So sorry. You know I was, actually I was listening to some rap music.
131
00:08:09,410 --> 00:08:10,980
I just leased this.
132
00:08:11,300 --> 00:08:13,660
Shit. This is bad.
133
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,480
Well I guess I should get your information.
134
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,480
Or we could forget it ever happened.
135
00:08:20,020 --> 00:08:21,600
Who do you mean?
136
00:08:22,530 --> 00:08:25,900
Na. Nothing. I was, I was just, I was kidding.
137
00:08:25,900 --> 00:08:29,510
Um, you have a pen I can borrow?
138
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,800
-How old are you?
-I'm twenty eight.
139
00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,390
-Why?
-Young.
140
00:08:35,060 --> 00:08:37,240
You work out.
141
00:08:37,820 --> 00:08:40,760
-I'm a trainer. Yea.
-Mhm.
142
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:46,320
My ex husband was so out of shape he couldn't even
go down on me without running out of breath.
143
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,900
You ever work with older women?
144
00:08:49,890 --> 00:08:53,180
Uh, sometimes. Yea.
145
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,960
Do you see results?
146
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,670
A mom, yea.
147
00:09:00,510 --> 00:09:04,550
-I'm gonna grab my insurance.
-Wait.
148
00:09:05,710 --> 00:09:11,070
What's a good exercise for, right here?
149
00:09:11,650 --> 00:09:18,980
Um. You know. Like uh, hip whatevers.
150
00:09:18,980 --> 00:09:21,680
What about, squats?
151
00:09:21,940 --> 00:09:24,470
Sure yea. Those too.
152
00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:28,020
Ever been blown in a luxury SUV?
153
00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:31,920
Not recently.
154
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:48,820
-Baby!
-Oh. Oh! Wow.
155
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:50,820
What took you so long?
156
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:52,040
I got in an accident.
157
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,040
-Oh my God. Are you okay?
-I mean I'm fine.
158
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:57,050
I'm fine. I mean it was just a fender bender. And it won't happen again.
159
00:09:57,050 --> 00:09:58,380
-It won't happen again?
-Well
160
00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:00,890
Nothing. Nothing. No no no.
161
00:10:00,890 --> 00:10:02,890
Let's eat. Yea? Yea?
162
00:10:03,390 --> 00:10:04,890
We can eat after.
163
00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:08,510
-Well but I mean I'm really hungry today.
-I know, so am I.
164
00:10:09,290 --> 00:10:11,760
Dinner can wait. I can't.
165
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:15,460
Oh but please. Don't. Do. That. [Zipper Unzips]
166
00:10:18,890 --> 00:10:21,450
-Why are there teeth marks on your dick?
-What?
167
00:10:21,450 --> 00:10:23,450
There are teeth marks on your dick.
168
00:10:23,450 --> 00:10:27,640
-What. I. Um.
-Did someone give you a blow job?
169
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,170
Not that I can recall.
170
00:10:30,170 --> 00:10:34,220
Then why are there teeth marks on your dick?
171
00:10:36,110 --> 00:10:39,420
I hit that car pretty hard.
172
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:43,060
Who's hair is this?
173
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:47,770
You know what? That looks like, that looks like a pubic hair.
174
00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:50,710
Nah your pubes are not that long.
175
00:10:50,710 --> 00:10:55,680
Typically yea. But ya know you get that rogue pube that grows faster
176
00:10:55,680 --> 00:10:59,490
-Than the others.
-It's not even the same color as your head.
177
00:10:59,490 --> 00:11:01,490
Okay. I mean. Who the hell are ya?
178
00:11:01,490 --> 00:11:05,250
-Like Encyclopedia Brown?
-Yes. And this is the case of the missing blow job.
179
00:11:05,250 --> 00:11:08,300
I did not get a blow job okay? And I would never
180
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:11,330
Ever cheat on you. Ever. Ever.
181
00:11:11,330 --> 00:11:13,830
Is this a press on nail?
182
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,100
Well that's not good. Shit.
183
00:11:18,950 --> 00:11:20,100
Get out.
184
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,670
-Baby.
-Get out.
185
00:11:22,670 --> 00:11:26,890
-Just come here for a second.
-Touch me and I will chop off your dick.
186
00:11:27,900 --> 00:11:30,000
I mean you don't mean that.
187
00:11:30,780 --> 00:11:32,820
Do you?
188
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,090
Idiot.
189
00:11:35,090 --> 00:11:36,800
Babe.
190
00:11:37,090 --> 00:11:39,190
What the ftt? You have a meat cleaver?
191
00:11:39,190 --> 00:11:42,940
-Who actually owns a meat cleaver?
-Get out. I never, ever
192
00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:44,940
-Wanna see you again.
-Like ever, ever?
193
00:11:44,940 --> 00:11:46,340
Ever.
194
00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:49,570
-Go!
-Okay. Okay. I'm going.
195
00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:51,340
You know, I just want you to know though.
196
00:11:51,340 --> 00:11:54,220
-That I was falling
-Get out!
197
00:11:54,950 --> 00:11:56,460
Oh Shit.
198
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:57,860
Shit.
199
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,370
Babe.
200
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,650
Could I get my sandwich back?
201
00:12:09,260 --> 00:12:10,800
Jesus.
202
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:14,670
Again. Are you fucking kidding me Rich?
203
00:12:14,670 --> 00:12:17,980
I mean. But it. Look it was not all my fault.
204
00:12:17,980 --> 00:12:20,490
Ok. I mean this chick. She seduced me.
205
00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,170
You could've said no.
206
00:12:22,170 --> 00:12:24,170
Nah. I. Ok. Look.
207
00:12:24,170 --> 00:12:27,350
You try to defeat a boner when you've got a mouth
208
00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:29,070
staring it down.
209
00:12:29,070 --> 00:12:31,360
I mean it's not as easy as you'd think. Okay?
210
00:12:31,360 --> 00:12:33,200
It's really not.
211
00:12:34,150 --> 00:12:38,660
I don't know. Things just haven't been the same since Kimmy cheated on me.
212
00:12:39,130 --> 00:12:41,050
Now you're blaming her?
213
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,040
Melissa was right.
214
00:12:46,690 --> 00:12:48,030
What are you talkin' about?
215
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:49,740
Nothin'.
216
00:12:49,740 --> 00:12:52,880
No no no no. Fuck. tell me what the fuck you're talkin' about.
217
00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:56,520
This probably isn't the best time to tell you. But Melissa
218
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:59,600
She posted some pretty fucked up things about you on the internet.
219
00:13:00,390 --> 00:13:01,600
Like what?
220
00:13:03,090 --> 00:13:06,320
You're afraid of ghosts. You like to fart in the shower.
221
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:09,230
You're a craving man-child with an inferiority complex
222
00:13:09,230 --> 00:13:13,620
Who refuses to be held accountable for any of his myriad shortcommings.
223
00:13:14,290 --> 00:13:16,700
I think she used a Thesaurus on that last one.
224
00:13:17,780 --> 00:13:21,790
-This is online?
-Douchebagassholecheaters.com
225
00:13:29,410 --> 00:13:33,950
I don't understand how you can have something so special, so great
226
00:13:34,590 --> 00:13:37,760
and throw it away for one fleeting moment.
227
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,400
Doesn't make sense.
228
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,340
Rich would be making low six figures right now if he didn't
229
00:13:46,340 --> 00:13:49,040
bend me over the conference table and have his way with me.
230
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:51,630
Don't get me wrong. I loved it.
231
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:53,630
But it ruined our office dynamic.
232
00:13:53,630 --> 00:13:55,630
And I had to let him go.
233
00:13:56,900 --> 00:13:58,610
Me and Rich used to be best friends.
234
00:13:59,110 --> 00:14:01,200
Until I walked in on him fucking my mom.
235
00:14:01,930 --> 00:14:05,360
My parents divorced. I lost sight of my goals.
236
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:09,020
Now I'm addicted to meth and I work the three a.m.
237
00:14:09,020 --> 00:14:11,470
Drive through shift at a fast food restaurant.
238
00:14:11,470 --> 00:14:13,470
In the ghetto.
239
00:14:20,340 --> 00:14:21,360
Kimmy.
240
00:14:30,460 --> 00:14:34,970
Ah. I wish my dick would just leave me alone.
241
00:15:13,150 --> 00:15:16,880
[Screams] [Car Alarm Goes Off]
242
00:15:17,660 --> 00:15:21,650
Josh. Call me. Something, something terrible has happened man.
243
00:15:22,310 --> 00:15:24,380
You know I don't even know why I'm leaving a voicemail.
244
00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:27,000
You never check it so alright. Im, im gonna hang up and
245
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,560
then imma text you. Okay? Alright.
246
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,330
Josh? Josh!
247
00:15:34,330 --> 00:15:36,330
You have a collect call from
248
00:15:36,890 --> 00:15:39,740
This is your dick. I'm in an alley downtown.
249
00:15:40,610 --> 00:15:42,610
Do you accept the charges?
250
00:15:43,660 --> 00:15:45,730
Do you accept the charges?
251
00:15:46,860 --> 00:15:50,090
Do you. Accept the charges?
252
00:15:50,090 --> 00:15:52,090
-Yes.
-Hello?
253
00:15:52,090 --> 00:15:53,780
Is this Rich?
254
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:56,170
-Uh huh.
-Oh thank God.
255
00:15:56,170 --> 00:15:59,220
Whew. I couldn't remember your number for shit.
256
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:03,060
-I just got like twenty "No hablo inglés's" before you picked up.
-Uh huh.
257
00:16:04,140 --> 00:16:05,330
Who is this?
258
00:16:05,330 --> 00:16:07,330
It's me. Your penis.
259
00:16:07,950 --> 00:16:09,330
Who is this for real?
260
00:16:09,330 --> 00:16:12,630
It's your penis bitch. It's your cock, your dick
261
00:16:12,630 --> 00:16:14,630
your pecker, your prick.
262
00:16:16,290 --> 00:16:18,360
I don't beleive you.
263
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:20,360
Your dick goes missing. Someone calls you up
264
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:23,300
and tells you he's your dick. And you don't beleive him?
265
00:16:24,550 --> 00:16:28,040
-My dick is not missing.
-No shit.
266
00:16:28,040 --> 00:16:30,040
He's in an alley on Surmack and State.
267
00:16:30,040 --> 00:16:32,870
Alright look. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?
268
00:16:32,870 --> 00:16:33,070
Becky Wallace.
Alright look. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang up now. Okay?
269
00:16:33,070 --> 00:16:34,850
Becky Wallace.
270
00:16:36,860 --> 00:16:37,550
What?
271
00:16:37,870 --> 00:16:40,810
Becky Wallace. Your first hand job.
272
00:16:41,310 --> 00:16:42,990
Big girl with hair on her nipples.
273
00:16:42,990 --> 00:16:45,290
A bad case of Rosacea
274
00:16:45,550 --> 00:16:47,290
Surprisingly good.
275
00:16:47,290 --> 00:16:49,190
Knew how to work the tip, ignore the base.
276
00:16:49,190 --> 00:16:51,950
Alright. Who the fuck told you that? Huh? Huh?
277
00:16:51,950 --> 00:16:55,930
In seventh grade you jerked off so hard you dislocated your shoulder.
278
00:16:56,340 --> 00:16:58,670
you told your parents you hurt it simulating Mortal Kombat
279
00:16:58,670 --> 00:17:00,670
fatalities with your friends.
280
00:17:00,670 --> 00:17:02,360
Want me to keep going?
281
00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,110
You've had Chlamydia twice.
282
00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:06,370
You spray me with Curb Club before you go out for the night
283
00:17:06,370 --> 00:17:08,500
And. When you're bored
284
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:11,520
You helicopter me around and make my hole talk like a little mouth.
285
00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:13,520
-Alright that is enough. That's enough.
-Which is embarrasing.
286
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:14,460
Ok so just stop.
287
00:17:14,460 --> 00:17:15,390
-I don't know what happened.
-Stop.
288
00:17:15,390 --> 00:17:17,980
The last thing I remembered is dangling between your legs
289
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,250
But then I wake up in an alley in this morning. Naked.
290
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:22,250
Like some God damned Terminator.
291
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,670
And now, here I am on a piss smelling pay-phone
292
00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:28,390
asking you to pretty please pick me up before the fuckin' cops do.
293
00:17:28,390 --> 00:17:31,680
-You're naked?
-As a poet's soul.
294
00:17:32,350 --> 00:17:34,090
Oh. God.
295
00:17:35,550 --> 00:17:39,040
-You said Surmack and State?
-Yea. Behind the sushi restaurant.
296
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:41,970
And you're buying me lunch.
297
00:17:57,450 --> 00:17:58,520
Jesus!
298
00:17:59,220 --> 00:18:01,280
Rich. Open the door.
299
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:04,400
Rich.
300
00:18:07,970 --> 00:18:12,570
Rich. Open the door. Rich. C'mon.
301
00:18:14,580 --> 00:18:20,220
Ho. Thank you. Smelled like a God damn UTI out there. Hi.
302
00:18:20,220 --> 00:18:22,220
I'm your dick.
303
00:18:23,850 --> 00:18:25,540
You have my eyes.
304
00:18:25,540 --> 00:18:28,220
We are related. Where's that grip I know?
305
00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:33,010
Just kidding. Did you bring the clothes?
306
00:18:36,590 --> 00:18:38,370
You brought your nut shorts?
307
00:18:38,370 --> 00:18:39,790
What?
308
00:18:39,790 --> 00:18:43,220
You jack off in these all the time because you're too lazy to get tissues.
309
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,580
-Sorry.
-Whatever.
310
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:48,600
Let's get something to eat. I am fucking starving.
311
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,290
No?
312
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:13,850
What?
313
00:19:13,850 --> 00:19:16,760
I mean people don't just wake up without their dicks.
314
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,760
I guess that makes you a pioneer.
315
00:19:19,370 --> 00:19:20,760
What happened?
316
00:19:20,970 --> 00:19:22,760
You've been blaming me for a lot of shit lately.
317
00:19:23,270 --> 00:19:27,110
So if I had to hypothesize, I would say that the universe got pissed off
318
00:19:27,110 --> 00:19:29,230
and decided to tilt the scale against you. And then they were like
319
00:19:29,230 --> 00:19:32,400
You know what? Fuck that scale. Lets just give it to him hard and raw.
320
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:34,090
You don't think I feel the same way?
321
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:38,630
I used to have my own private utopia. All I had to think about was napping, pissing and fucking.
322
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:43,160
Now I'm dealing with hunger and thirst. I'm pretty sure I have to take my first shit soon.
323
00:19:43,540 --> 00:19:45,200
Oh. The worst part.
324
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:49,070
Is that I've got my own dick, and it's not even as big as I was.
325
00:19:49,070 --> 00:19:50,030
Look at this!
326
00:19:50,670 --> 00:19:52,960
I should be able to hang a basket full of puppies off this.
327
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:56,600
-Now I think I could barely handle one kitten.
-Put it away. Please.
328
00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,640
Breaks my heart. I'm just saying I better be a grower
329
00:19:58,640 --> 00:19:59,940
Because I'm obviously not a shower.
330
00:19:59,940 --> 00:20:02,710
Alright. Alright. How do we fix it?
331
00:20:02,710 --> 00:20:05,670
Yea I know. So here's what I've been told.
332
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,380
The next time Mercury aligns with Cancer
333
00:20:08,380 --> 00:20:10,650
at midnight on the next full moon
334
00:20:10,650 --> 00:20:15,680
some sort of vortex is gonna open up and we're just
going to have to go through it together somehow.
335
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:17,680
Alright. Alright.
336
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:24,750
Alright. When is the next , when is the next full moon?
337
00:20:24,750 --> 00:20:26,750
Are you fucking retarded?
338
00:20:26,930 --> 00:20:29,550
I just made that shit up. I don't know how to reattach.
339
00:20:32,050 --> 00:20:34,230
Shit, Shower, Shave?
340
00:20:34,470 --> 00:20:39,210
Oh. At least now I can tell you how big of a fucking
tool you are for still having a subscription to Maxim.
341
00:20:49,100 --> 00:20:53,340
K. Now keep your core engaged. Now bring your legs out.
342
00:20:53,340 --> 00:20:54,540
Good job.
343
00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:56,540
I need to talk to you.
344
00:20:56,540 --> 00:20:58,750
I'm in the middle of a session.
345
00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:02,290
-He'll be right back. C'mon
-Ow Rich. What the fuck.
346
00:21:03,030 --> 00:21:05,310
I'm the number four trainer in this company.
347
00:21:05,310 --> 00:21:08,620
It's unacceptable for you to [Screams].
348
00:21:08,790 --> 00:21:10,620
Shit.
349
00:21:11,860 --> 00:21:14,260
What the fuck?
350
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:17,220
Well my dick is gone.
351
00:21:17,740 --> 00:21:20,190
It looks like an Asian man's armpit.
352
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:26,710
-What Happened?
-I. I don't know. Okay. I woke up this morning and it wasnt there.
And that, that's not even the worst part.
353
00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:27,710
[Zipper Zips]
354
00:21:27,970 --> 00:21:29,250
It's in your ass?
355
00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:32,610
No. No. It is in my apartment.
356
00:21:32,610 --> 00:21:34,750
That's good. You know where it is.
357
00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:37,060
Okay. It's a person.
358
00:21:37,060 --> 00:21:38,710
Fuck. What?
359
00:21:38,710 --> 00:21:40,710
My dick is an asshole.
360
00:21:40,710 --> 00:21:42,710
-He's brown?
-No. White.
361
00:21:42,710 --> 00:21:44,710
-Is he bald?
-No.
362
00:21:44,710 --> 00:21:46,350
-Chubby?
-No.
363
00:21:46,350 --> 00:21:48,350
-Wrinked?
-Would you shut the fuck up?
364
00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:50,350
Okay. i'm sorry.
365
00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:55,160
-What are you gonna do?
-What can I do?
366
00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:57,810
Should I see a doctor maybe?
367
00:21:57,810 --> 00:21:58,720
Hell no.
368
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,170
You'll be the new medical freak dejour.
369
00:22:01,170 --> 00:22:05,790
Kid with two heads. Kid with super strength. Man with no dick.
370
00:22:05,790 --> 00:22:12,370
If the government doesn't lock you in a lab then the talk shows will snatch you up. Turn you into a story of triumph that ends in tears of hope.
371
00:22:12,370 --> 00:22:16,700
Shit load of undeserved applause. You'd be like Carrot Top.
372
00:22:16,700 --> 00:22:20,520
Everyone will want a picture with you. But no one will want to have sex with you.
373
00:22:21,750 --> 00:22:25,680
Oh no. No no no. No. No!
374
00:22:29,210 --> 00:22:31,780
-Ahh!
-The Fffftt?
375
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,310
K. You ordered a hooker?
376
00:22:37,310 --> 00:22:38,790
Oh no. she's an escort.
377
00:22:39,100 --> 00:22:40,790
Alright. And where is she escorting you to then?
378
00:22:40,790 --> 00:22:42,440
To "Bust a Nut-Ville".
379
00:22:42,550 --> 00:22:44,030
-Alright you're gonna have to go.
-Hold on!
380
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,510
-I was so close!
-Now. please. Go.
381
00:22:46,710 --> 00:22:48,760
Thank you.
382
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,670
Damn. Not even a payment dispute.
383
00:22:51,670 --> 00:22:56,430
Oh no I gave her the TV in Rich's room. Super easy. Helped her load it right into her Scion before things got underway.
384
00:22:56,430 --> 00:23:00,220
Wait. You paid her with, you paid her with my TV?
385
00:23:00,220 --> 00:23:02,590
Um. Actually think the term is "Bartered".
386
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:04,590
But, hey. I'm no English major.
387
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:06,590
Ow! Fuck!
388
00:23:06,590 --> 00:23:08,590
Ow! Ow!
389
00:23:08,590 --> 00:23:10,030
C'mon!
390
00:23:11,190 --> 00:23:13,360
Okay. Listen to me. Alright?
391
00:23:13,730 --> 00:23:17,690
If you're gonna stay here you're gonna have to control yourself.
392
00:23:17,690 --> 00:23:20,860
Yea. Oh. Okay. I'm so sorry dad.
393
00:23:21,060 --> 00:23:24,100
I didn't know I needed your permission for every little thing that I'm into.
394
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:27,010
-Okay. A hooker is not a "little" thing. Alright?
-[Sighs]
395
00:23:27,010 --> 00:23:30,370
Listen. Okay? I'm trying to adjust right now.
396
00:23:30,370 --> 00:23:34,510
I've never had a body before. This all new to me. It's. Ho Ho.
397
00:23:34,510 --> 00:23:36,020
What? What?
398
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:37,560
Oh my God.
399
00:23:38,730 --> 00:23:43,480
I just flexed my calf. A-mazing. That's really cool. That's cool.
400
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:51,240
Okay listen. I messed up. I know that. But. What are you, you're not gonna yell at a toddler, right, for putting his hand on the stove?
401
00:23:51,380 --> 00:23:54,880
No you're gonna coddle him and you're gonna shower him with love.
402
00:23:55,430 --> 00:23:56,880
I'm sorry.
403
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,160
I'm sorry I put my hand in the "Pussy Stove".
404
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,610
Alright? But right I need your help.
405
00:24:01,980 --> 00:24:03,610
Right? Not your wrath.
406
00:24:04,660 --> 00:24:06,770
Yea. I need to get you back.
407
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:27,720
Eleven-Eleven. Go!
408
00:24:30,110 --> 00:24:31,790
I wish I had my dick back.
409
00:24:31,790 --> 00:24:33,590
I wish you had me back.
410
00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:41,650
-Oh you're still here.
-Am I even?
411
00:24:41,650 --> 00:24:43,220
[Moaning]
412
00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:47,320
You're all out of cinnamon toast crunch.
413
00:25:10,210 --> 00:25:11,440
Fitness assessment?
414
00:25:11,690 --> 00:25:12,970
Excuse me?
415
00:25:13,230 --> 00:25:14,970
Are you my fitness assessment?
416
00:25:15,230 --> 00:25:17,420
I don't know. I had an appointment at two.
417
00:25:17,420 --> 00:25:19,420
Alright. And what time is it now?
418
00:25:19,420 --> 00:25:22,690
-Almost two thirty.
-Yea. No. That's probably me.
419
00:25:23,060 --> 00:25:24,550
Grab your stuff.
420
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,050
So what are your fitness goals?
421
00:25:28,790 --> 00:25:36,400
Do you wanna live a healthy lifestyle? Or do you just wanna lose some fat around your ass, thighs and midsection for whatever insecure reason?
422
00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:40,140
Uh. Both I guess. Are you always this up front?
423
00:25:40,620 --> 00:25:46,520
No I'm usually pretty duplicitous. But I just don't give a fuck anymore.
424
00:25:47,860 --> 00:25:49,830
Yea. I don't feel anything.
425
00:25:49,830 --> 00:25:51,830
You're working your core.
426
00:25:54,470 --> 00:25:59,710
Look. I know you're probably getting paid smething like five dollars for our time together
427
00:25:59,710 --> 00:26:06,470
But. I'd apreciate it if you assumed I was going to sign up with you and put forth just like a tiny bit of effort.
428
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:08,470
Are you going to sign up with me?
429
00:26:08,470 --> 00:26:11,310
Most likely not. Thats why I said "assume".
430
00:26:12,310 --> 00:26:15,390
There you go. You're human afterall.
431
00:26:15,390 --> 00:26:17,040
Yea. Sometimes.
432
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:22,510
So am I. Which is why I really wanna squeeze into a size three for my sister's wedding in a couple weeks.
433
00:26:22,510 --> 00:26:26,330
Mhmmm. So that's the insecure reason.
434
00:26:26,330 --> 00:26:28,330
Well if you knew my sister you'd know why.
435
00:26:28,330 --> 00:26:32,490
Is she like, some tiny little blonde annoying thing?
436
00:26:32,490 --> 00:26:33,800
What are you? Psychic?
437
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,790
No. No. I'm just really good at stereotypes.
438
00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:40,180
Well you nailed it. Shes a human Pomeranian.
439
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:41,980
Bad.
440
00:26:42,580 --> 00:26:43,980
You gonna kick my ass or what?
441
00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:48,650
Um. Well you buy ten sessions from me and I'll give you the workout of your life.
442
00:26:48,790 --> 00:26:50,220
Thats extortion.
443
00:26:50,500 --> 00:26:53,040
I'm a personal trainer. It's what I do.
444
00:26:53,150 --> 00:26:59,280
How about I buy five, and I don't tell your boss that there's vodka in your protein shake?
445
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:03,070
Yea. No Yea. That's good. Good and fair.
446
00:27:03,380 --> 00:27:04,350
Good.
447
00:27:06,150 --> 00:27:09,340
Whoooee! I'm fuckin' you up!
448
00:27:09,340 --> 00:27:12,840
-Only because you're first player.
-You suck at second player.
449
00:27:19,690 --> 00:27:21,580
Oh. Hey man. We'll pick all this up.
450
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:22,590
When?
451
00:27:23,270 --> 00:27:26,310
It looks like a freshman dorm in here guys.
452
00:27:26,310 --> 00:27:29,070
After we're finished smoking this marijuana cigar.
453
00:27:30,250 --> 00:27:32,560
So you're smoking weed now too huh?
454
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:34,560
That's my fault.
455
00:27:34,670 --> 00:27:36,560
I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
456
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:38,080
What are you even doing here?
457
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:40,080
Emily found my Indian porn.
458
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:43,320
You should put that in your antivirus folder. Cause that's what Rich does.
459
00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:52,530
-Okay. Five more mintes. Alright. And Josh is going home and you will be vaccuming up the blunt guts off of my carpet. Yes.
-No. But that's not enough time!
460
00:27:52,760 --> 00:28:01,320
He's right. That's a Dutch Master. It's gonna take at least ten minutes to burn. Maybe eight if you wanna get in on it.
461
00:28:02,930 --> 00:28:04,280
Five minutes is good.
462
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:13,120
And there is one more thing, that I'm, gonna have to ask you to leave the toilet seat down.
463
00:28:13,120 --> 00:28:15,880
Why? You pissing out of your ass?
464
00:28:17,460 --> 00:28:19,180
Oh Shit.
465
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,990
He's pissing out of his ass.
466
00:28:23,370 --> 00:28:24,160
Look.
467
00:28:25,910 --> 00:28:31,910
We're here for you man. We're gonna do everything
we can to get things back the way they were.
468
00:28:32,270 --> 00:28:33,510
Isn't that right?
469
00:28:35,430 --> 00:28:36,160
Sure.
470
00:28:36,670 --> 00:28:37,490
See?
471
00:28:38,130 --> 00:28:39,910
Doesn't that give you confidence?
472
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:46,190
Hey bud, Ive been playing with your dick all day.
473
00:29:46,070 --> 00:29:56,240
-Oh my God! Yea man! Whoa!
- It is so mysterious! Oh. Ah. Ohhhh.
474
00:29:59,250 --> 00:30:04,150
Eh. She can't be older than twenty three, that kid is seven,
475
00:30:10,100 --> 00:30:12,860
He just doesnt stop.
476
00:30:13,170 --> 00:30:17,110
Wow. Looks like you've got your hands full. I know a great babysitter. Pretty cheap.
477
00:30:17,110 --> 00:30:19,960
If my dick came to life he'd probably be a lot more behaved.
478
00:30:21,030 --> 00:30:30,690
There's gotta be something I can do right? Someone I can appease. I mean, if the universe is keeping score, how the fuck can I earn points?
479
00:30:36,290 --> 00:30:38,830
-Oh my God that's it.
-What's it?
480
00:30:38,830 --> 00:30:42,800
Alright. This all started happening after I screwed things up with Jamie right?
481
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:46,860
So if I can fix that maybe I can reverse everything.
482
00:30:46,860 --> 00:30:47,700
Thank you.
483
00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:55,220
Born again Christian bullshit. Where'd Rich go?
484
00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:04,740
[Doorbell Buzzes] Food's here!
485
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,740
What the fuck?
486
00:31:07,500 --> 00:31:10,600
Uh. We didn't order seven-eleven.
487
00:31:10,830 --> 00:31:14,230
Baby you don't answer the door like that. Rich.
488
00:31:15,220 --> 00:31:16,230
What are you doing here?
489
00:31:16,230 --> 00:31:17,920
What the hell is this guy doing here?
490
00:31:17,920 --> 00:31:19,670
-Who are you?
-Who are you?
491
00:31:19,670 --> 00:31:21,670
-Delivery for Jamie?
-Yes
492
00:31:21,670 --> 00:31:22,910
Will you get the money baby?
493
00:31:22,910 --> 00:31:25,440
Sure little big penguin girl.
494
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:32,200
I'm gone for a month and you're having sex with some like:
495
00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:33,890
-"Hey dude"
-Yea
496
00:31:33,890 --> 00:31:38,290
What did you expect Rich? For me to sit around with my thumb up my ass lementing what could have been?
497
00:31:38,290 --> 00:31:41,160
We ran out of duck sauce so I put in extra soy sauce.
498
00:31:41,160 --> 00:31:42,120
Thank you.
499
00:31:42,540 --> 00:31:46,850
Seriously Rich. You let some girl gnaw on your penis like a number two pencil.
500
00:31:48,650 --> 00:31:53,300
I'm sorry about that. Okay? But I lost control. And people they lose control.
501
00:31:53,300 --> 00:31:54,430
No animals lose control.
502
00:31:54,430 --> 00:31:56,680
Is he comming back? Cause this is getting kind of akward.
503
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,680
Chill out Tokyo Drift.
504
00:31:59,100 --> 00:32:02,510
I can say that. I mean we dated. We dated!
505
00:32:02,680 --> 00:32:03,860
-Yo babe.
-Hm?
506
00:32:03,950 --> 00:32:06,680
I'm looking all over your purse and I cant find your money.
507
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:08,480
It's in my wallet.
508
00:32:08,850 --> 00:32:10,480
Girls have wallets too?
509
00:32:11,380 --> 00:32:13,660
Blowin' my fuckin' mind right now babe!
510
00:32:13,890 --> 00:32:15,410
Okay. I
511
00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:20,340
-I want to make things better.
-[Laughs]
512
00:32:20,340 --> 00:32:23,660
-Don't laugh.
-That wasn't a laugh. That was an involuntary chest spasm.
513
00:32:23,660 --> 00:32:25,660
-Look. I loved you.
-[Laughs]
514
00:32:28,230 --> 00:32:32,200
-You know if you would just give me another chance.
-No. It's too late for that Rich.
515
00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:37,040
You know, in fact I'm really happy that you fucked things up. Now I'm having the sex of my life
516
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:41,940
with a beautiful idiot who cant text without substituting numbers for words. It's amazing.
517
00:32:46,060 --> 00:32:49,580
I'm sorry. I. Wow. I shouldn't have come.
518
00:32:49,970 --> 00:32:53,150
Enjoy your Generals Chicken.
-It's Broccoli Beef.
519
00:32:54,030 --> 00:32:55,150
Fuck you.
520
00:33:06,140 --> 00:33:10,390
One more. One more.
521
00:33:10,700 --> 00:33:12,620
Do you even know what one more means?
522
00:33:12,900 --> 00:33:16,790
"Baby Penguin Girl". Are you fucking serious?
523
00:33:16,790 --> 00:33:20,810
Look. I know you're going through some shit right now
524
00:33:20,810 --> 00:33:27,860
But I've had a long day of being nitpicked by my bitch of a boss. So I'd apreciated it if you could pretty please not be so God damn angsty.
525
00:33:27,860 --> 00:33:32,500
Yes. Yea. No I will try to do that.
526
00:33:33,010 --> 00:33:35,520
Sorry. I didn't mean for that to come off so harsh.
527
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:39,070
It's fine. I think I actually needed that.
528
00:33:44,950 --> 00:33:48,560
-You wanna maybe grab some coffee after this?
-Oh.
529
00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:53,600
Um. I don't think that's a good idea.
530
00:33:54,020 --> 00:33:56,780
-I didn't mean it like that.
-How'd you mean it?
531
00:33:56,780 --> 00:33:58,780
Well not like that.
532
00:33:59,090 --> 00:34:04,900
Look. Um. You're an awesome trainer and all. And. And yea. You're kind of good looking. Um.
533
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:07,290
I don't think you're my type.
534
00:34:07,290 --> 00:34:14,300
It's just I see the way you walk around here acting all "playery" pretending to scratch your abs so you can lift up your shirt and show off that
535
00:34:14,300 --> 00:34:16,050
"V" thing you've got going on.
536
00:34:16,050 --> 00:34:20,560
-Sometimes ya know I have an itch.
-Every fourty seconds?
537
00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:26,470
Alright. Lets do some trunk twists. Stand up. C'mon.
538
00:34:27,990 --> 00:34:34,890
Hey. Thanks for the pickup. But can you step on it a little bit? I've gotta meet up with this chick from OkCupid in like an hour.
539
00:34:35,260 --> 00:34:40,580
And she said to me "Hey. Tonight, if you want, you can put your P in my V". And I was like "eh."
540
00:34:40,580 --> 00:34:42,580
I'd rather put my C in your C.
541
00:34:42,580 --> 00:34:43,960
Right?
542
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:47,260
[Brakes Screech]
You get it? That was funny
543
00:34:47,650 --> 00:34:48,860
Oh!
544
00:34:49,990 --> 00:34:51,260
Shit!
545
00:34:51,260 --> 00:34:55,450
-What the fuck is your problem dude?
-What is my problem?
546
00:34:55,600 --> 00:35:01,430
Ya know I put a roof over your head. Ok? I give you food to eat. And this is how you repay me.
547
00:35:01,430 --> 00:35:04,500
So right now might not be the best time to ask about getting an iPhone?
548
00:35:04,500 --> 00:35:05,340
No.
549
00:35:05,340 --> 00:35:08,020
-It would be so simple to just add to your family plan.
-No!
550
00:35:08,020 --> 00:35:11,340
Okay. I am not going to put up with your shit anymore.
551
00:35:11,340 --> 00:35:16,470
Society is not going to put up with your shit. Okay? You need to straigten up and fly right.
552
00:35:16,470 --> 00:35:19,820
Or you can wander the streets with the hobos and the teenagers.
553
00:35:21,060 --> 00:35:22,070
You wouldn't kick me out.
554
00:35:22,070 --> 00:35:25,370
Try me. The free ride is over.
555
00:35:25,370 --> 00:35:27,370
-From now on you pay rent.
-[Laughs]
556
00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:29,110
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
557
00:35:29,140 --> 00:35:30,270
Get a job.
558
00:35:30,270 --> 00:35:35,960
Fuck that. Who would even hire me? I've got enough THC in my blood to resurrect Bob Marley.
559
00:35:35,960 --> 00:35:38,550
You can stand in front of the hardware store with the illegals.
560
00:35:38,550 --> 00:35:41,230
You're about as much fun as a rubber. You know that right?
561
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:49,870
Is anyone gonna hire us?
562
00:35:50,270 --> 00:35:51,110
Mhm.
563
00:35:52,970 --> 00:35:54,410
Fuck this.
564
00:35:57,030 --> 00:36:01,390
Next up is the lovely Shila.
565
00:36:01,790 --> 00:36:03,390
Place your bets. Pink or brown?
566
00:36:03,530 --> 00:36:04,430
Pink.
567
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:07,220
Uh oh. She's Latina.
568
00:36:07,220 --> 00:36:09,960
This does not bode well for you my friend.
569
00:36:10,940 --> 00:36:14,740
Whoo! Brown. You owe me a beer motherfucker.
570
00:36:17,190 --> 00:36:18,690
Where'd you get all that money?
571
00:36:18,690 --> 00:36:20,690
Oh. You know. Rich's wallet.
572
00:36:20,940 --> 00:36:22,180
You're stealing from Rich?
573
00:36:22,180 --> 00:36:24,770
Actually I consider it more of an allowance.
574
00:36:26,430 --> 00:36:31,250
-Yea I should probably be getting home to Emily.
-She's got you on a pretty short leash huh?
575
00:36:31,250 --> 00:36:34,460
I control the size of my leash.
576
00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:37,530
Oh. Like a big boy. Yea. Good for you.
577
00:36:38,520 --> 00:36:40,180
Yea well have you ever thought about severing it?
578
00:36:40,180 --> 00:36:42,680
No. I'm happy.
579
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,400
Oh good. So you're having a lot of sex then.
580
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:47,750
I'm having enough sex.
581
00:36:47,750 --> 00:36:51,530
Okay well no man who's getting his dick wet on a regular basis ever thinks it's enough.
582
00:36:51,670 --> 00:36:53,130
-You're bored.
-No.
583
00:36:53,130 --> 00:36:57,050
That's it. you're bored. You've had too many trips to the same watering hole.
584
00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:59,640
Too many times playing that same video game.
585
00:36:59,640 --> 00:37:02,570
-Can we not talk about Emily?
-You're the one who brought her up.
586
00:37:03,190 --> 00:37:06,060
Oh my God. What's your name?
587
00:37:06,740 --> 00:37:08,060
Josh.
588
00:37:10,120 --> 00:37:11,890
Sorry I don't have any money.
589
00:37:11,890 --> 00:37:14,200
Oh. I don't want your money.
590
00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:17,390
What do we have here? A little uh, slumdog elephant princess?
591
00:37:17,390 --> 00:37:20,150
-I'm Peruvian.
-Okay. Same thing. Less hair.
592
00:37:20,540 --> 00:37:21,610
You should go.
593
00:37:22,630 --> 00:37:27,440
-Please let her stay.
-You're so fucking cute. I don't normally get like this.
594
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:29,440
-But there's just something about you.
-I shouldn't be doing this.
595
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:32,370
Of course you should. Feels good right?
596
00:37:32,370 --> 00:37:33,530
Yea.
597
00:37:34,340 --> 00:37:36,880
But I love Emily. My girlfriend.
598
00:37:36,930 --> 00:37:40,030
C'mon. Love is like a space heater. Yea it's good for a drafty corner
599
00:37:40,030 --> 00:37:42,910
but it's hardly the solution for an entire room.
600
00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:47,610
C'mon. I know you fantasize about other women. We all do. It's natural.
601
00:37:47,720 --> 00:37:51,020
So why don't you disarm that big ticking bomb in your chest
602
00:37:51,020 --> 00:37:53,810
and stop denying yourself the pleasures that you deserve?
603
00:37:53,810 --> 00:37:55,550
You deserve it baby.
604
00:37:56,480 --> 00:37:58,570
I can't. I can't.
605
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:01,780
-C'mon.
-I'm sorry.
606
00:38:01,780 --> 00:38:04,090
You're still gonna give me my three hundred right?
607
00:38:04,450 --> 00:38:07,270
Wait. What? Dude you set this up?
608
00:38:08,090 --> 00:38:10,730
-I prefer the term "Orchestrated".
-Fuck you.
609
00:38:11,100 --> 00:38:12,310
He's not paying me.
610
00:38:12,310 --> 00:38:15,380
Okay. She's jumping to conclusions on that one. But
611
00:38:15,380 --> 00:38:18,170
Yea she is right. I'm not paying her shit. So.
612
00:38:19,240 --> 00:38:22,820
Hmmm. You guys have little kid bouncers here?
613
00:38:22,820 --> 00:38:29,830
Let's go out to the playground. That's so weird. Im bigger than you. I just wanna eat that little nose off your face. Oh yea. Whoo!
614
00:38:31,890 --> 00:38:33,520
He's the Antichrist.
615
00:38:34,060 --> 00:38:36,870
I mean I know he's bad but he's not Hitler bad.
616
00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:40,140
He could be. If he applied himself.
617
00:38:40,140 --> 00:38:41,040
What happened?
618
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:43,040
He set me up to cheat on Emily.
619
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:44,390
You cheated on Emily?
620
00:38:45,210 --> 00:38:46,080
No.
621
00:38:46,420 --> 00:38:48,080
No. Almost did.
622
00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:50,960
He is a persuasive motherfucker.
623
00:38:51,630 --> 00:38:58,140
I'm not blaming him. I won't deny that your dick
could sell dog shit to a freshly mowed lawn. Still.
624
00:38:59,380 --> 00:39:01,010
This is my fuck up.
625
00:39:03,910 --> 00:39:05,150
Wow.
626
00:39:06,810 --> 00:39:09,630
You're a better man than I ever was.
627
00:39:10,220 --> 00:39:11,630
Than I'll ever be.
628
00:39:14,950 --> 00:39:16,050
Rich.
629
00:39:17,350 --> 00:39:18,620
You okay?
630
00:39:20,700 --> 00:39:23,010
Yea. I'm fine.
631
00:39:27,990 --> 00:39:30,220
-Yea. Call me a woman.
-Oh you're a woman.
632
00:39:30,220 --> 00:39:33,010
Tell me I'm a pretty woman. Yea. Yea.
633
00:39:33,180 --> 00:39:34,870
Tell me I look like I lost weight.
634
00:39:35,260 --> 00:39:36,110
Do it!
635
00:39:36,280 --> 00:39:38,110
You look like you've lost weight.
636
00:39:38,190 --> 00:39:40,300
Yea. Do the pledge of allegience.
637
00:39:41,630 --> 00:39:43,850
Say it in an Asian voice.
638
00:39:43,850 --> 00:39:45,850
-I pledge alegience
-Yes Yes!
639
00:39:45,850 --> 00:39:48,500
I. Am. Fucked. You. Right. Now.
640
00:39:48,500 --> 00:39:52,470
It feels good for me and I don't know how you feel!
641
00:39:52,810 --> 00:39:55,940
You're a spider monkey commin' and you're at maximum capacity right now.
642
00:39:55,940 --> 00:39:57,940
Yes. Yes.
643
00:39:57,940 --> 00:39:59,340
Whoo!
644
00:40:02,330 --> 00:40:03,940
Rich! What the fuck?
645
00:40:03,940 --> 00:40:05,430
You have two minutes.
646
00:40:05,430 --> 00:40:07,990
To grab your shit and get out of my life.
647
00:40:07,990 --> 00:40:09,990
Whoa whoa whoa. C'mon.
648
00:40:09,990 --> 00:40:11,820
Let's talk about this for a sec.
649
00:40:11,820 --> 00:40:12,720
A minute fifty.
650
00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:14,720
There's no way that was ten seconds.
651
00:40:16,810 --> 00:40:19,600
Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Where is this comming from?
652
00:40:20,240 --> 00:40:21,480
Is this because I fucked Melissa?
653
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:23,090
No, it's because you..
654
00:40:23,620 --> 00:40:24,890
You fucked Melissa?
655
00:40:24,890 --> 00:40:28,890
Yea. You didn't give me a big deal. I mean technically I've already, you know, been inside of her multiple times.
656
00:40:30,220 --> 00:40:32,500
Come on! We're supposed to be friends.
657
00:40:32,500 --> 00:40:36,240
Oh friends. Do you know how many people I can't talk to because of you?
658
00:40:36,240 --> 00:40:38,610
How many places that I can't go?
659
00:40:38,610 --> 00:40:40,780
No you are not my friend okay?
660
00:40:40,780 --> 00:40:41,960
You have cost me friends.
661
00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:43,090
You didn't have to listen to me.
662
00:40:43,090 --> 00:40:48,270
Grab your shit and get the fuck out of my life
or I will break your head open like a goddamn pinata.
663
00:40:48,270 --> 00:40:51,710
Then you're going to blood all over the floor and
then you're not going to get your security deposit back.
664
00:40:52,750 --> 00:40:54,040
Fine. Get my shit.
665
00:40:59,620 --> 00:41:00,550
Now what?
666
00:41:01,590 --> 00:41:03,650
Trash bags under the sink.
667
00:41:03,760 --> 00:41:05,650
You're not even gonna give me a suitcase?
668
00:41:12,380 --> 00:41:15,420
Fuck you. Fuck you.
669
00:41:16,180 --> 00:41:17,790
I have never liked you.
670
00:41:17,790 --> 00:41:22,720
All those times that you pissed and then you shook me and put me back inside your underwear and I still leaked
671
00:41:22,720 --> 00:41:25,680
That was just my way of telling you to just go fuck yourself.
672
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:26,660
And you're right.
673
00:41:26,660 --> 00:41:28,660
I may have been your Raison D'etre
674
00:41:28,660 --> 00:41:30,660
But I was never your fuckin' friend.
675
00:41:31,140 --> 00:41:33,760
Making that wish is probably the best decision you've ever made.
676
00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:36,070
No more headaches from bangin' on your inner thigh,
677
00:41:36,070 --> 00:41:38,520
No more chafed skin from feature length jack sessions
678
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:40,430
I'm a fuckin' free man.
679
00:41:40,430 --> 00:41:42,070
And i'm gonna do great things.
680
00:41:42,070 --> 00:41:44,720
So just go ahead and look for me in the spotlight you fuckin' dick head.
681
00:42:07,000 --> 00:42:10,600
My dick is gone for good. My life is over.
682
00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:14,630
C'mon let's put this shit in perspective. You're twenty eight.
683
00:42:14,630 --> 00:42:17,390
You've already had more sex than most men will have their entire lives.
684
00:42:18,010 --> 00:42:18,660
Yea.
685
00:42:19,500 --> 00:42:21,300
And now I'm a Ken doll.
686
00:42:21,730 --> 00:42:23,470
And Ken is always smiling.
687
00:42:24,060 --> 00:42:25,470
You know why?
688
00:42:26,180 --> 00:42:29,110
He doesn't have to deal with the bullshit that every other man does.
689
00:42:29,390 --> 00:42:34,260
You gotta think about all the time you can devote to other things now that you don't have to worry about jacking off.
690
00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:36,970
Or hittin' on girls, or cheating on girls
691
00:42:36,970 --> 00:42:39,730
Your life just became a thousand times less complicated.
692
00:42:39,730 --> 00:42:41,730
You'll be able to get shit done.
693
00:42:41,730 --> 00:42:43,810
Hell you can write the great American novel.
694
00:42:43,810 --> 00:42:46,370
Yea but I don't want to write the great American novel.
695
00:42:46,650 --> 00:42:48,370
I want my fuckin' dick back.
696
00:42:48,370 --> 00:42:50,370
You don't need him back Rich.
697
00:42:50,910 --> 00:42:53,840
You have a chance to let your heart do the leading without any interference.
698
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:56,790
It's like having two angels on your shoulder instead of one
699
00:42:56,790 --> 00:42:58,340
And a roided up devil.
700
00:42:58,790 --> 00:43:00,570
You're gonna be a better person for it.
701
00:43:00,850 --> 00:43:02,570
You just don't see it yet.
702
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:04,570
You really think I'll be ok?
703
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,570
I know you will.
704
00:43:07,550 --> 00:43:09,130
Everything happens for a reason.
705
00:43:09,130 --> 00:43:10,400
No don't say that.
706
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,710
I fucking hate it when people say that.
707
00:43:12,710 --> 00:43:13,890
So do I.
708
00:44:29,180 --> 00:44:31,520
Hey come on let's go. Let's go.
709
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:33,520
It's called a warm up not a beat down.
710
00:44:34,280 --> 00:44:35,520
Here we go. Here we go.
711
00:44:36,500 --> 00:44:39,010
I can increase my resistance on my own, thank you very much.
712
00:44:39,010 --> 00:44:42,560
You know I liked you a lot better before you got your Aderal prescription filled.
713
00:44:42,560 --> 00:44:44,110
It's like you're a completely different person.
714
00:44:44,110 --> 00:44:47,710
No no no. I'm not a person. I'm your player douchebag personal trainer.
715
00:44:47,710 --> 00:44:49,090
You're not a douchebag.
716
00:44:49,090 --> 00:44:50,250
We're doing legs today.
717
00:44:50,250 --> 00:44:52,250
You're a total douchebag.
718
00:44:52,980 --> 00:44:54,760
So what brought you out of your funk?
719
00:44:55,460 --> 00:44:58,840
Did you meet a girl? Romance her while watching The Notebook and fell madly in love?
720
00:44:58,840 --> 00:45:01,830
The Notebook? Please. I am a Princess Bride man.
721
00:45:01,830 --> 00:45:04,220
Uh uh. Inconceivable.
722
00:45:06,190 --> 00:45:09,990
- Not a Notebook fan either. Although...
- Please do not say Ryan Gosling.
723
00:45:09,990 --> 00:45:12,300
Of course Ryan Gosling.
724
00:45:12,780 --> 00:45:15,800
But besides him, that kissing in the rain scene,
725
00:45:16,390 --> 00:45:18,560
Every girl wants to be kissed in the rain.
726
00:45:18,560 --> 00:45:22,080
Then maybe you should move to the Pacific Northwest.
727
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,080
Maybe I will.
728
00:45:25,230 --> 00:45:26,500
Seriously though.
729
00:45:27,230 --> 00:45:29,510
Why are you so chipper all of a sudden?
730
00:45:29,510 --> 00:45:32,420
Alright well this is gonna sound cliche, but,
731
00:45:33,740 --> 00:45:38,640
Gah, I was living my life one way and I realized that I just couldn't live it that way anymore.
732
00:45:38,640 --> 00:45:40,810
Sound like anyone who's ever been on Behind The Music.
733
00:45:40,810 --> 00:45:45,230
I know right? And I feel like I've been detoxing hardcore.
734
00:45:45,400 --> 00:45:46,470
From what?
735
00:45:47,430 --> 00:45:50,440
-Women.
-Oh God.
736
00:45:50,440 --> 00:45:52,950
-This isn't some player angle is it?
-No.
737
00:45:52,950 --> 00:45:55,880
God no. I'm not trying to play you.
738
00:45:55,880 --> 00:46:01,030
And I have no alterior motives. I'm not even gonna to try to get you to go out with me.
739
00:46:01,030 --> 00:46:03,620
Promise. I'm just gonna,
740
00:46:04,190 --> 00:46:09,370
help you reach your fitness goals in the least creepy way possible.
741
00:46:09,370 --> 00:46:13,590
In that case we should probably go for a drink tomorow night.
742
00:46:13,590 --> 00:46:16,270
What? Celebrate you being off your period.
743
00:46:16,520 --> 00:46:18,810
- Huh?
- Alright. Alright.
744
00:46:20,160 --> 00:46:23,090
What were all the conflicts they taught us during emotion class?
745
00:46:23,090 --> 00:46:26,160
Man vs. Man, Man vs. Supernatural.
746
00:46:26,780 --> 00:46:30,830
Man vs. Nature, Man vs.....
747
00:46:31,170 --> 00:46:33,510
- Himself.
- Himself. Right.
748
00:46:35,590 --> 00:46:37,250
It's some tough shit.
749
00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:44,040
Did you get in an accident?
750
00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:46,040
Sure yea. Something like that.
751
00:46:46,410 --> 00:46:48,040
- You clean up nice.
- Oh. Thanks.
752
00:46:55,340 --> 00:46:56,940
There we go. Don't Stop Believin'.
753
00:46:56,940 --> 00:46:59,960
Oh. No. You can't play Don't Stop Believing.
754
00:46:59,960 --> 00:47:01,030
Why not?
755
00:47:01,250 --> 00:47:05,390
Cause. You just can't. It's a universal bar rule.
756
00:47:05,390 --> 00:47:07,620
I like it though, so...
757
00:47:07,620 --> 00:47:10,380
I like it too. Hm.
758
00:47:10,380 --> 00:47:12,380
Everyone likes it.
759
00:47:12,380 --> 00:47:14,380
Then whats the problem?
760
00:47:14,380 --> 00:47:16,660
Well do you know how many people play that song?
761
00:47:16,660 --> 00:47:22,380
And then everytime it comes on everyone sings along
but in the back of their mind they're thinking
762
00:47:22,380 --> 00:47:26,040
Gosh. Who is the dickhead that picked this?
763
00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:27,590
Me.
764
00:47:27,590 --> 00:47:30,180
Oh. Wow. Wow.
765
00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:34,010
Wow. Okay yea. Bartenders are going to hate me now.
766
00:47:34,010 --> 00:47:37,280
-Shut up or I'll play Tiny Dancer.
-Ooo.
767
00:47:38,240 --> 00:47:40,120
I love you so much.
768
00:47:40,630 --> 00:47:42,860
Would you mind if we kissed?
769
00:47:54,260 --> 00:47:56,680
- Doug, stop.
- C'mon just for a second.
770
00:47:56,680 --> 00:47:59,190
- I don't think we should.
- I think it's okay. We try...
771
00:47:59,190 --> 00:48:02,600
- Leave me alone.
- I'm sorry. Look I wasn't trying to hurt
772
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:13,500
- Who are you?
- Relax. I'm white.
773
00:48:13,890 --> 00:48:15,220
White?
774
00:48:15,220 --> 00:48:16,570
Goin home with Jill huh?
775
00:48:16,570 --> 00:48:18,090
Who's Jill?
776
00:48:18,090 --> 00:48:20,740
J-I-L-L. Jill?
777
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:23,500
Hey sailor. Hey.
778
00:48:24,230 --> 00:48:25,500
What?
779
00:48:26,740 --> 00:48:30,600
Let me guess. You borrowed your dad's car, you broke the bank on dinner,
780
00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:32,770
You acted like an all around gentleman, and now
781
00:48:32,880 --> 00:48:35,750
Here you are wishing you would've just stayed home and jacked off.
782
00:48:35,750 --> 00:48:37,750
Yea how do you know that?
783
00:48:38,820 --> 00:48:40,880
That's a pain every man knows.
784
00:48:41,640 --> 00:48:45,050
You know, we're all about gettin' it in, they're all about keepin' it out
785
00:48:45,050 --> 00:48:47,190
That's why bullshit exists, alright?
786
00:48:47,190 --> 00:48:51,360
The greatest trick that a woman can ever pull is making a man think he's in love.
787
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,360
That's how they gain control.
788
00:48:54,290 --> 00:48:57,070
Okay? You want my advice?
789
00:48:58,450 --> 00:49:00,200
Remain cold.
790
00:49:00,960 --> 00:49:02,000
Remain cold?
791
00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:07,500
Yea. Exactly. If she doesn't put out you go find someone who will. Because someone will. With a face like that
792
00:49:07,500 --> 00:49:09,500
Biceps like those,
793
00:49:09,780 --> 00:49:10,710
Alright?
794
00:49:10,710 --> 00:49:13,920
- Okay. [Laughs]
- I'll tell you right now, handholds and kisses,
795
00:49:14,230 --> 00:49:15,920
They're not worth time or money.
796
00:49:16,590 --> 00:49:19,920
Now. Get the fuck out of the car because I'm stealing it.
797
00:49:19,920 --> 00:49:21,920
Uh, yea.
798
00:49:24,590 --> 00:49:27,490
Uh what about that guy who puts his whole mouth on the water fountain?
799
00:49:27,490 --> 00:49:32,140
Oh the one with the uh, the camo bandana
800
00:49:32,140 --> 00:49:34,960
- and has the
- Highly original barbed wire tattoo?
801
00:49:34,960 --> 00:49:37,490
Exactly. I can't fuckin' stand that guy.
802
00:49:37,490 --> 00:49:40,280
I mean you could like a dot to dot with his bachne.
803
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:46,170
Thats probably the most discusting thing I've ever heard.
804
00:49:46,590 --> 00:49:53,350
You know what? Most girls that look like you, they're not usually..
805
00:49:53,580 --> 00:49:57,720
Funny? Intelligent? Witty?
806
00:49:57,720 --> 00:50:00,840
I wasn't gonna say any of those things.
807
00:50:02,220 --> 00:50:06,450
Well yea. I wasn't always this effortlessly beautiful
808
00:50:06,450 --> 00:50:07,720
Effortlessly?
809
00:50:07,720 --> 00:50:09,860
I was that um,
810
00:50:09,860 --> 00:50:13,720
awkward, chubby alternative girl in high school with the
811
00:50:13,720 --> 00:50:16,500
bad skin and the pink rubber bands on her braces.
812
00:50:16,500 --> 00:50:21,350
Okay. Did you write the names of your favorite bands on your backpack with a whiteout pen?
813
00:50:21,350 --> 00:50:23,070
How did you know?
814
00:50:23,070 --> 00:50:28,450
Did the same thing. Eighth grade when I was going through my skater phase.
815
00:50:28,450 --> 00:50:30,450
- You were a skater?
- Oh hell yea.
816
00:50:30,450 --> 00:50:32,450
Rocked the Jnco's and everything.
817
00:50:32,450 --> 00:50:38,050
Wow. I just, I had you pegged for the homecomming king with the blonde cheerleader girlfriend.
818
00:50:38,050 --> 00:50:40,050
Uh, that was senior year.
819
00:50:40,050 --> 00:50:42,050
Ok yea no never mind, I was right.
820
00:50:43,150 --> 00:50:47,710
Actually you know what? I was in a five year relationship.
821
00:50:47,710 --> 00:50:51,040
Believe it or not. This girl, Kimmy, and
822
00:50:51,040 --> 00:50:53,540
Wow, I even thought we were gonna get married but,
823
00:50:53,540 --> 00:50:55,150
What happened?
824
00:50:55,150 --> 00:50:57,910
Um, she cheated on me.
825
00:50:59,570 --> 00:51:03,400
If it's any consolation, I've been cheated on like, a dozen times.
826
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:06,300
Yea no, It's probably the worst feeling in the world.
827
00:51:06,300 --> 00:51:09,290
To know that the person that you love
828
00:51:10,270 --> 00:51:11,800
Thought someone else was better.
829
00:51:11,940 --> 00:51:16,160
I just like to think that they had shitty taste, and that I was the exception.
830
00:51:17,680 --> 00:51:20,640
Like that guy at the bar over there. Don't look.
831
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:26,220
I'm gonna look and pretend I'm looking past him at something else entirely.
832
00:51:26,220 --> 00:51:28,810
Ok. Be discreet.
833
00:51:35,510 --> 00:51:40,580
yea. No he saw me lookin' right at him. We had like, a moment even.
834
00:51:40,580 --> 00:51:42,580
Did you see what he was drinking?
835
00:51:42,950 --> 00:51:44,580
Bud Light?
836
00:51:44,580 --> 00:51:46,580
Bud Ice. I know right?
837
00:51:47,120 --> 00:51:53,710
He's been sucking them back like there is no tomorrow. Except for his last beer. His last beer was an expensive micro brew.
838
00:51:53,710 --> 00:51:57,400
That's what we are. We're the expensive micro brews.
839
00:51:57,400 --> 00:52:02,070
That one beer that people have, don't apreciate, and then dump to go back to drinking cheap beer.
840
00:52:02,070 --> 00:52:06,070
Does that mean that we suck? No. It just means that we are not for everyone.
841
00:52:06,070 --> 00:52:08,070
Someone will come along.
842
00:52:08,550 --> 00:52:10,640
Make us the only thing they drink.
843
00:52:13,760 --> 00:52:17,850
So. I had a good time.
844
00:52:18,690 --> 00:52:20,440
So did I.
845
00:52:20,440 --> 00:52:23,400
you know I'm only doing this to get free sessions right?
846
00:52:23,400 --> 00:52:30,520
Oh no, I know. Your not gettin' em but it was, gosh, it was an inspired attempt.
847
00:52:35,030 --> 00:52:36,520
So.
848
00:52:37,250 --> 00:52:39,560
I mean should we hug?
849
00:52:40,940 --> 00:52:41,680
Or what?
850
00:52:41,680 --> 00:52:45,140
I don't know. I don't know. Shake hands maybe?
851
00:52:45,140 --> 00:52:47,080
Do something to say goodbye?
852
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:48,830
Oh like say goodbye?
853
00:52:48,830 --> 00:52:50,830
Yea no, that works.
854
00:52:51,980 --> 00:52:53,390
We could friend hug.
855
00:52:53,390 --> 00:52:56,660
You know one good squeeze and then a pat.
856
00:52:56,660 --> 00:52:59,450
Squeeze and pat? Perfect yea.
857
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:24,940
Yea. Suck that. Keep it consistent.
858
00:53:24,940 --> 00:53:27,220
Yea, don't stop. Oh wait. No.
859
00:53:27,220 --> 00:53:31,280
No fancy tongue shit. No.
860
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:34,570
What happened? You went limp.
861
00:53:42,970 --> 00:53:45,250
Totally wasn't a friend hug.
862
00:53:48,290 --> 00:53:50,180
Where is that piece of shit?
863
00:53:50,770 --> 00:53:53,360
Baby I love you okay?
864
00:53:53,360 --> 00:53:54,630
Oh shit.
865
00:53:56,800 --> 00:54:01,390
So listen I was getting some head last night and I felt something I havent felt for a while.
866
00:54:01,390 --> 00:54:06,430
You know that, warm feeling where you care less about sex and more about love?
867
00:54:06,430 --> 00:54:12,540
So here's your job right now. You need to answer:
Is our dickless friend puppy doggin' it with someone?
868
00:54:14,010 --> 00:54:18,320
Hm? What? Oh shit.
869
00:54:18,320 --> 00:54:20,990
Did I hit you too hard?
870
00:54:20,990 --> 00:54:23,580
Ah I guess I'm gonna have to go straight to the source.
871
00:54:39,100 --> 00:54:40,510
This is not good.
872
00:54:40,510 --> 00:54:42,510
He says he can feel you.
873
00:54:42,510 --> 00:54:47,750
Well, Good. Good. I hope I'm distracting him as much as he used to distract me.
874
00:54:47,750 --> 00:54:50,650
I dunno man. I think you set him off with that girl.
875
00:54:50,650 --> 00:54:52,570
You think he's losin' power or somethin'?
876
00:54:52,570 --> 00:54:56,620
I haven't been fucked up in a parking lot since I tried to pursue a career in MMA.
877
00:54:57,610 --> 00:54:59,610
Whatever it is, he's pissed.
878
00:54:59,610 --> 00:55:01,750
He deserves it. Alright?
879
00:55:01,750 --> 00:55:05,210
You were right. I'm better off without him.
880
00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:14,420
What are we doing?
881
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:17,070
It's a surprise.
882
00:55:17,070 --> 00:55:20,230
If this is a surprise, I'm surprised it sucks so much.
883
00:55:22,060 --> 00:55:24,480
- I'm just kidding.
- No. I know. It's not that.
884
00:55:24,480 --> 00:55:26,480
What is it?
885
00:55:26,480 --> 00:55:28,480
I can't tell you.
886
00:55:28,480 --> 00:55:33,040
Cmon. You hit like a baby kangaroo.
887
00:55:34,650 --> 00:55:46,030
Alright. So you know how you always, you kow how you said you, always wanted to kiss in the rain? Well Weather.com said,
888
00:55:46,030 --> 00:55:50,050
Should be raining, right now.
889
00:55:51,520 --> 00:55:54,390
You brought us out here to kiss in the rain?
890
00:55:54,390 --> 00:55:57,460
No not kiss. Make out passionately.
891
00:55:59,660 --> 00:56:01,430
I don't know what to say.
892
00:56:01,430 --> 00:56:05,600
Well you could say, uh, Fuck you weather.com
893
00:56:25,660 --> 00:56:27,740
- Hey whats wrong?
- Nah. Nothing. Why?
894
00:56:27,740 --> 00:56:30,500
It's just that guys usually don't pull away when girls take off their pants.
895
00:56:30,500 --> 00:56:33,180
I just, you know, I wanna take things slow. That's all.
896
00:56:40,050 --> 00:56:41,970
I'm sorry, I..
897
00:56:41,970 --> 00:56:43,970
I'm not ready.
898
00:56:56,250 --> 00:56:59,540
This is Lindsay, again.
899
00:57:00,530 --> 00:57:04,100
Look, I don't know what the hell is going on but this is really fuckin' lame.
900
00:57:08,580 --> 00:57:11,030
- Maybe he had an outbreak.
- That's gross.
901
00:57:11,150 --> 00:57:17,150
Well why else would he reject you? A guy turning down sex is like a dog turning down chocolate. It just doesn't happen.
902
00:57:17,150 --> 00:57:19,150
He said he wasn't ready.
903
00:57:19,150 --> 00:57:23,000
Seriously? That's our line. That's not his.
904
00:57:23,000 --> 00:57:25,200
If he's not calling you back, screw him.
905
00:57:25,200 --> 00:57:29,170
You can do a lot better than a personal trainer. There's like billions of them.
906
00:57:29,170 --> 00:57:34,160
- It's just I wanted to take him to my sister's wedding too, and
- Katie Cambell, is that you?
907
00:57:34,160 --> 00:57:36,160
Oh my god it's been years.
908
00:57:36,160 --> 00:57:38,950
- Excuse me?
- Oh my God.
909
00:57:38,950 --> 00:57:42,750
I'm so sorry. I thought you were one of my classmates from Oxford.
910
00:57:42,750 --> 00:57:45,230
Nah. I went to school here in state.
911
00:57:45,230 --> 00:57:48,580
I feel even stupider now because I just realized that you guys look nothing alike.
912
00:57:48,580 --> 00:57:49,990
You're much prettier than she was.
913
00:57:49,990 --> 00:57:51,790
She's single.
914
00:57:51,790 --> 00:57:55,990
Oh. Really? I mean, maybe I should stick around and flirt a little bit then.
915
00:57:55,990 --> 00:57:59,620
- I'm just kidding, um, not really
- Would you like to join us?
916
00:58:00,010 --> 00:58:03,390
- Yea. If um,
- Linday.
917
00:58:03,390 --> 00:58:05,390
If Lindsay doesn't object.
918
00:58:05,650 --> 00:58:07,230
Please.
919
00:58:08,940 --> 00:58:13,960
So. Is that Lindsay with an A, or Lindsay with an E?
920
00:58:13,960 --> 00:58:15,030
A.
921
00:58:15,030 --> 00:58:19,700
I knew it. A Lindsays always put E Lindsays to shame. That's a fact.
922
00:58:19,700 --> 00:58:21,480
I'm R.P. by the way.
923
00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:22,490
Hi.
924
00:58:22,490 --> 00:58:24,490
- Hi I'm Samantha.
- Samantha?
- Yea.
925
00:58:24,490 --> 00:58:26,100
Why aren't you gorgeous?
926
00:58:26,100 --> 00:58:28,100
So what do you do R.P?
927
00:58:28,630 --> 00:58:31,900
Actually, kind of a, kind of a mouthful. Um,
928
00:58:31,900 --> 00:58:37,700
I am the international coordinator for a number of charities worldwide.
929
00:58:37,700 --> 00:58:39,930
Oh wow. Do you have a favorite?
930
00:58:39,930 --> 00:58:44,150
They're all equally rewarding, I'd say in their own way. But
931
00:58:45,250 --> 00:58:48,320
We did just do a pants drive for the torso foundation.
932
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:50,970
I've not heard of that one.
933
00:58:50,970 --> 00:58:55,050
It's a charity. It's for people that have lost the lower halves of their bodies.
934
00:58:55,050 --> 00:59:01,700
Boating accidents and tumors. Stray cables in amusement park rides. But,
935
00:59:01,700 --> 00:59:08,090
Watching them come together and donate their old pants really puts things in perspective.
936
00:59:08,090 --> 00:59:10,490
Ya know. Maybe I'm sappy but
937
00:59:10,490 --> 00:59:14,880
I guess you don't need a pair of legs to walk a mile in someone else's pants.
938
00:59:15,050 --> 00:59:18,970
Anyway I feel stupid. I have a confession.
939
00:59:19,590 --> 00:59:23,130
There is no Katie Cambell. I didn't know how to come over and say hi to you.
940
00:59:23,130 --> 00:59:24,430
I'm sorry.
941
00:59:24,430 --> 00:59:29,670
Oh you lied because you were nervous? That is so cute. Isn't that so cute Lindsay?
942
00:59:29,670 --> 00:59:32,120
Yes I do love an honest liar.
943
00:59:32,120 --> 00:59:37,670
Wow. If you let me take you out to dinner I'd lie to you all night. Honestly.
944
00:59:39,870 --> 00:59:46,600
Alright. So Lindsay, I don't know how to tell you this but, My penis is gone.
945
00:59:47,160 --> 00:59:48,960
Penis is M.I.A.
946
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:53,780
My penis is gone on definite haitus.
947
00:59:55,890 --> 00:59:56,740
Hello?
948
00:59:56,740 --> 00:59:58,740
Whaddup Kid?
949
01:00:00,600 --> 01:00:02,430
What do you want?
950
01:00:02,430 --> 01:00:04,430
You can't say whaddup back?
951
01:00:04,990 --> 01:00:06,150
Whaddup?
952
01:00:06,150 --> 01:00:09,070
Oh you know just gettin' more ass than gay Latin men.
953
01:00:09,070 --> 01:00:10,650
Haven't you felt it?
954
01:00:10,650 --> 01:00:12,030
Uh no I haven't.
955
01:00:12,030 --> 01:00:14,480
Oh that's wierd because I've been feeling you getting all lovey dovey
956
01:00:14,480 --> 01:00:18,140
- I figured you'd be feelin' me gettin' all bust a nutty.
- What do you want?
957
01:00:18,140 --> 01:00:20,760
I was gonna call and invite you to dinner tomorrow night.
958
01:00:20,760 --> 01:00:25,720
I'm gonna be down at the Bougie Fondue place down in Armitige. Ya know it looks pretty low key but
959
01:00:25,720 --> 01:00:27,020
Kind of expensive.
960
01:00:27,020 --> 01:00:29,300
Sorry I'm gonna have to pass on that.
961
01:00:29,300 --> 01:00:32,340
You're not gonna wanna do that.
962
01:00:32,340 --> 01:00:35,100
- And why is that?
- Ahh there in lies the fun.
963
01:00:35,100 --> 01:00:38,090
You're just gonna have to trust that I've got something mind blowing for your ass.
964
01:00:38,090 --> 01:00:40,960
You're probably gonna wanna put it in your memoirs.
965
01:00:40,960 --> 01:00:46,370
And don't even think about not showing up because I will make your life suck harder than the W.N.B.A.
966
01:00:46,680 --> 01:00:50,090
I'll make sure the whole world knows you're packin' a blank canvas.
967
01:00:50,090 --> 01:00:51,780
You wouldn't.
968
01:00:51,780 --> 01:00:53,630
Uhh. Actually, yea I would.
969
01:00:53,630 --> 01:00:56,200
So holla back bitch.
970
01:01:05,100 --> 01:01:08,280
I haven't told you how beautiful you look tonight.
971
01:01:08,280 --> 01:01:09,270
Thank you.
972
01:01:09,270 --> 01:01:11,910
Don't thank me. I said that I haven't told you.
973
01:01:13,940 --> 01:01:15,350
Do you know why?
974
01:01:16,450 --> 01:01:17,350
Why?
975
01:01:17,350 --> 01:01:21,800
Because I can't find the words to express how beautiful you look.
976
01:01:21,800 --> 01:01:26,730
Um, you know you don't need to spit game, I'm already having dinner with you.
977
01:01:26,730 --> 01:01:28,760
I'm not spitting game. I am just like
978
01:01:28,760 --> 01:01:32,360
Grenade launching it everywhere I can.
979
01:01:32,360 --> 01:01:33,970
Like me. Please.
980
01:01:33,970 --> 01:01:35,970
You're kind of a dork you kow that?
981
01:01:35,970 --> 01:01:37,970
- Is that a bad thing? Or
- No
982
01:01:37,970 --> 01:01:40,080
Not at all. It's better than not being a dork.
983
01:01:40,080 --> 01:01:43,630
I'm kind of a late bloomer. Kind of comes with the territory.
984
01:01:44,190 --> 01:01:46,310
So I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
985
01:01:46,310 --> 01:01:49,320
And then when I come back I will be initiating
986
01:01:49,320 --> 01:01:53,490
light contact. Just wanna warn you.
987
01:01:53,490 --> 01:01:56,360
And it might come from under the table.
988
01:02:20,470 --> 01:02:22,700
oh my God. Rich?
989
01:02:22,700 --> 01:02:27,030
What? No. No no no no no no.
990
01:02:27,030 --> 01:02:29,400
You stay the fuck away from her okay?
991
01:02:29,400 --> 01:02:30,870
I'm sorry do I know you?
992
01:02:30,870 --> 01:02:33,850
- Don't play that shit with me. I am not scared of you.
- Rich.
993
01:02:33,850 --> 01:02:35,600
What are you doing here?
994
01:02:35,600 --> 01:02:37,600
He told me to come.
995
01:02:37,600 --> 01:02:40,220
I have never seen this guy in my life.
996
01:02:40,220 --> 01:02:42,220
Bull shit. Bull shit.
997
01:02:43,400 --> 01:02:46,890
Bull shit okay. He is my...
998
01:02:47,480 --> 01:02:48,890
Your what?
999
01:02:49,460 --> 01:02:50,610
Your what?
1000
01:02:50,610 --> 01:02:52,780
Nothin'. Nothing.
1001
01:02:52,780 --> 01:02:55,000
- No. What were you you going to say?
- Yea what?
1002
01:02:55,000 --> 01:02:58,020
Nothin'. He's my doppleganger.
1003
01:02:58,300 --> 01:03:02,410
Oh that's really sad. I've heard about a mental illness
1004
01:03:02,410 --> 01:03:05,570
Shut up okay. Lindsay, you have to listen to me okay?
1005
01:03:05,570 --> 01:03:07,880
You want to stay away from this guy. He's
1006
01:03:07,880 --> 01:03:09,120
[Gasping]
1007
01:03:09,120 --> 01:03:11,120
-Oh shit.
-Oh my God.
1008
01:03:11,120 --> 01:03:13,120
That guy had no dick.
1009
01:03:17,510 --> 01:03:20,520
Wow. Very odd.
1010
01:03:27,310 --> 01:03:31,680
- Sorry about everything that happened tonight.
- Don't be. It's not your fault.
1011
01:03:32,160 --> 01:03:38,320
I just can't believe that he had nothing down there. I mean do you think that it's like a birth defect or a cancer thing?
1012
01:03:38,320 --> 01:03:40,320
Don't know.
1013
01:03:41,540 --> 01:03:45,170
Why would the bus boy just pull down his pants like that?
1014
01:03:46,320 --> 01:03:49,760
I think bus boys just have a sixth sense about bad people.
1015
01:03:49,760 --> 01:03:52,070
You kow? Kind of like animals.
1016
01:03:53,140 --> 01:03:54,970
Is something going on between you two?
1017
01:03:54,970 --> 01:03:58,320
I don't know whats going on.
1018
01:03:58,320 --> 01:04:01,960
I mean obviously I have no idea what happened between you two
1019
01:04:01,960 --> 01:04:06,740
I'm guessing it has something to do with the fact that he's got an anchor for sale and he's batshit crazy but
1020
01:04:06,740 --> 01:04:10,120
It's not my business. I'm not one to judge.
1021
01:04:10,120 --> 01:04:12,910
I just don't wanna interfere with anything so...
1022
01:04:12,910 --> 01:04:15,110
If you want me to back off I totally understand.
1023
01:04:15,110 --> 01:04:17,620
No. It's fine.
1024
01:04:17,620 --> 01:04:20,260
You sure? I like you.
1025
01:04:21,310 --> 01:04:23,310
Sorry, sounds like a,
1026
01:04:25,590 --> 01:04:28,260
Wanna go on a picnic this saturday?
1027
01:04:28,260 --> 01:04:30,690
Can't. My sister's getting married.
1028
01:04:30,690 --> 01:04:34,090
Oh no shit. Well congratulations to her.
1029
01:04:34,090 --> 01:04:36,090
- Open bar?
- Oh yea.
1030
01:04:36,090 --> 01:04:41,560
Nice. You know no government recognized life long commitment is complete without copious amounts of alcohol.
1031
01:04:41,560 --> 01:04:43,560
Tell me about it.
1032
01:04:46,740 --> 01:04:48,570
Do you maybe wanna come with me?
1033
01:04:49,590 --> 01:04:51,300
What? Like be your date?
1034
01:04:51,670 --> 01:04:53,560
Oh not at all.
1035
01:04:53,840 --> 01:05:00,260
I'll be buzzed and flirting with you, with the romantic backdrop of a wedding? Of course I wanna go with you.
1036
01:05:00,260 --> 01:05:02,260
- Fuck a picnic.
- Great.
1037
01:05:03,700 --> 01:05:07,190
- See you Saturday then?
- Saturday it is.
1038
01:05:09,750 --> 01:05:10,910
Oh I'm sorry.
1039
01:05:10,910 --> 01:05:15,500
No that's okay. I know it's not me. My confidence is still intact.
1040
01:05:15,500 --> 01:05:17,500
So I'll just be handsome for you on Saturday?
1041
01:05:19,720 --> 01:05:24,710
Who is that? Is that.. Gotcha anyway.
1042
01:05:44,570 --> 01:05:49,220
Hello it's Lindsay. [Laughs] Just kidding. Leave a message. Not here.
1043
01:05:51,670 --> 01:05:55,470
Two hundred and seventy nine missed calls. That's a new stalker record.
1044
01:05:55,470 --> 01:05:57,860
- Give me back my phone.
- No I won't.
1045
01:05:57,860 --> 01:06:02,620
I'm holding onto this for your own good. Cause the sooner that psycho is out of your life the better.
1046
01:06:05,390 --> 01:06:05,440
- He's not a psycho.
- Lindsay he doesn't have a dick.
1047
01:06:05,440 --> 01:06:10,450
He could be Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys circa 1999 and I'd still be like: Kick him to the curb.
1048
01:06:10,450 --> 01:06:14,900
You can't be with somebody that you can't have sex with. Alright?
1049
01:06:14,900 --> 01:06:18,400
He doesn't have a dick.
1050
01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:24,870
Lindsay?
1051
01:06:24,870 --> 01:06:28,000
No, but I did make her face look like a Cinnabun last night.
1052
01:06:28,000 --> 01:06:30,000
You mother fucker.
1053
01:06:30,250 --> 01:06:31,270
Where are you?
1054
01:06:31,270 --> 01:06:34,990
I am at a payphone somewhere.
1055
01:06:34,990 --> 01:06:36,990
Actually I don't know how I keep finding these things.
1056
01:06:36,990 --> 01:06:38,230
- Where's Lindsay?
- Oh.
1057
01:06:38,230 --> 01:06:40,900
Don't worry about her. She's home safe right now. She's recovering.
1058
01:06:40,900 --> 01:06:45,010
So that uh, That birthmark on her right hip, that didn't bother you?
1059
01:06:45,010 --> 01:06:48,140
Nope. Reverse side cowgirl. All night.
1060
01:06:48,140 --> 01:06:49,660
Didn't have to see one deformity.
1061
01:06:49,660 --> 01:06:51,890
Yea ya know she doesn't have a birthmark.
1062
01:06:51,890 --> 01:06:54,790
Oh. Ok. Fine. great. You got me.
1063
01:06:54,790 --> 01:06:58,050
But you're still a bitch. And she's still an inevitability.
1064
01:06:58,050 --> 01:07:00,360
We're going to a wedding this weekend together.
1065
01:07:00,360 --> 01:07:03,010
Weddings are pretty condusive to penetration.
1066
01:07:03,010 --> 01:07:04,870
Are you really calling me just to talk shit?
1067
01:07:04,870 --> 01:07:06,870
Right. I just can't call and talk shit?
1068
01:07:06,870 --> 01:07:08,500
I thought you knew me better than that.
1069
01:07:08,500 --> 01:07:12,280
But no. I called to tell you that girlfriends are for guys who can't get pussy.
1070
01:07:12,280 --> 01:07:16,330
And you're just trying to blow up right now because you're no longer a force on the fuck circuit.
1071
01:07:16,330 --> 01:07:22,480
So I suggest that you don't or I will find whoever you fall for and I tear them up like a losing scratch off.
1072
01:07:22,480 --> 01:07:27,150
Save yourself some pain, and uh, call it a life.
1073
01:07:40,470 --> 01:07:41,490
Hello?
1074
01:07:41,490 --> 01:07:44,140
Hi. I was just calling to say that I just found your dog Rusty.
1075
01:07:44,140 --> 01:07:48,500
Are you serious? Thank heaven. Baby! They found Rusty. They got Rusty!
1076
01:07:52,250 --> 01:07:56,300
I'm just fucking with you guys. I don't know where the hell your dog is.
1077
01:08:05,460 --> 01:08:07,200
I don't think this is a battle you can win.
1078
01:08:07,460 --> 01:08:10,750
Drian said the exact same thing to Rocky
1079
01:08:10,750 --> 01:08:13,740
Right before he fought Drago.
1080
01:08:13,740 --> 01:08:15,740
Rocky's a retard.
1081
01:08:16,750 --> 01:08:19,600
- He blocks with his head.
- Rocky has heart.
1082
01:08:19,600 --> 01:08:24,890
So did Rudy and everyone knew not to give that motherfucker a chance.
1083
01:08:26,330 --> 01:08:30,220
Look. This isn't about me anymore okay. This is about Lindsay.
1084
01:08:30,220 --> 01:08:34,780
And I will be God damned if I let my dick have his way with her.
1085
01:08:36,360 --> 01:08:38,220
How are you going to stop him?
1086
01:08:38,330 --> 01:08:39,600
Well...
1087
01:08:40,690 --> 01:08:44,810
No. No Rich. I am not getting involved.
1088
01:08:44,810 --> 01:08:45,760
Not.
1089
01:08:47,090 --> 01:08:50,780
God damn it. Why are you so charming?
1090
01:09:00,890 --> 01:09:02,440
I'm having a great time with you.
1091
01:09:02,440 --> 01:09:05,930
Oh. I'm having fun too. I was worried it might be a little weird.
1092
01:09:05,930 --> 01:09:10,440
Yea. I sense that. But all that matters is you're having a good time.
1093
01:09:11,060 --> 01:09:14,320
by the way I've got a wonderful evening planned for us.
1094
01:09:14,320 --> 01:09:16,320
You have an evening planned for us?
1095
01:09:16,320 --> 01:09:19,900
Yea no. We're gonna be leaving here shitfaced. But regardless I thought
1096
01:09:19,900 --> 01:09:22,720
It'd be nice to ride high on the sentiment of the day.
1097
01:09:23,060 --> 01:09:27,370
That, and I have a giant middle school crush on you.
1098
01:09:30,040 --> 01:09:32,580
Proper girl in the hat just eye fucked the shit outta me.
1099
01:09:32,580 --> 01:09:34,800
Do not quote Wedding Crashers.
1100
01:09:34,800 --> 01:09:36,010
We're crashing a wedding.
1101
01:09:36,320 --> 01:09:39,170
- Why can't I quote Wedding Crashers?
- Because. It's played out.
1102
01:09:39,900 --> 01:09:42,440
Oh hey. This is my uncle Bob.
1103
01:09:42,440 --> 01:09:43,840
Oh. It's a pleasure.
1104
01:09:43,840 --> 01:09:47,730
- My aunt Judy.
- Judy. Very lovely. Bob you dog.
1105
01:09:47,730 --> 01:09:50,350
This is my little cousin Gabby.
1106
01:09:50,350 --> 01:09:54,600
Oh. Well hello there. Gabby.
1107
01:09:54,600 --> 01:09:56,070
Wow.
1108
01:09:56,860 --> 01:10:00,690
Aren't you gonna be hot when you get older. Please remember me?
1109
01:10:02,550 --> 01:10:07,020
Yea. She still beleives in Santa. Who want's more champagne?
1110
01:10:07,530 --> 01:10:09,020
Right there. There they are.
1111
01:10:10,040 --> 01:10:11,950
Alright. Did you bring it?
1112
01:10:11,950 --> 01:10:13,950
It's right here.
1113
01:10:15,560 --> 01:10:18,240
What would I do without you?
1114
01:10:35,360 --> 01:10:43,750
Hey I'm gonna get some, hit the, head. Um, is what I meant to say. You good?
1115
01:10:48,430 --> 01:10:52,600
Excuse me, could you slip this to that girl right over there?
1116
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:54,540
Um. Excuse me.
1117
01:10:54,540 --> 01:10:57,750
But do I look like a fucking messenger?
1118
01:10:58,150 --> 01:11:01,220
"Meet me at Schiller's Statue."
1119
01:11:01,220 --> 01:11:04,480
Oh. What the fuck is this?
1120
01:11:04,480 --> 01:11:06,480
Oh no wait. Let me guess.
1121
01:11:06,480 --> 01:11:08,480
You want to get her alone
1122
01:11:08,480 --> 01:11:11,860
So you can profess your undying love for her
1123
01:11:11,860 --> 01:11:15,360
And then steal her away from the guy she's with.
1124
01:11:15,360 --> 01:11:19,100
Oh that is so fucking original, really.
1125
01:11:19,100 --> 01:11:23,550
And you know what though? I really don't wanna be a part of that. So I'm gonna tell you what.
1126
01:11:24,260 --> 01:11:29,950
Judging from your behavior, you seem like a major creeper, which is probably why she doesn't wanna be with you. And you know what?
1127
01:11:29,950 --> 01:11:33,470
I wouldn't want to be with you either, and you are normally my type.
1128
01:11:33,470 --> 01:11:38,680
But I'm gonna tell you something. I'm not gonna tell on you cause that is bad, fucking, karma.
1129
01:11:38,680 --> 01:11:45,970
But I am gonna strongly suggest, that you sir, get outta here. Thank you. So much.
1130
01:11:47,690 --> 01:11:48,730
Wow.
1131
01:11:49,410 --> 01:11:50,480
Excuse me.
1132
01:11:50,480 --> 01:11:53,040
Could you hand this to that girl right over there?
1133
01:11:53,580 --> 01:11:54,760
Sure.
1134
01:11:57,580 --> 01:12:00,480
Excuse me Miss. This is for you.
1135
01:12:00,850 --> 01:12:02,140
Thank you.
1136
01:12:25,100 --> 01:12:27,910
Please. Don't freak out.
1137
01:12:27,910 --> 01:12:29,910
I can't promise anything.
1138
01:12:31,130 --> 01:12:35,210
I know I'm in no position to explain myself and I'm not even gonna try.
1139
01:12:35,210 --> 01:12:39,100
Okay? I just came here because I want to show you something, and that is all.
1140
01:12:40,360 --> 01:12:44,280
And you look fabulous in that dress by the way.
1141
01:12:44,280 --> 01:12:45,460
Thanks.
1142
01:12:46,250 --> 01:12:48,000
I have a good trainer.
1143
01:12:48,000 --> 01:12:50,810
Yes you do. Alright. Right here.
1144
01:12:55,740 --> 01:13:00,420
Damn girl. You shouldn't be eye fucking the shit outta me if you're gonna make me work like this.
1145
01:13:00,420 --> 01:13:02,420
- What the hell is this?
- Lindsay.
1146
01:13:02,590 --> 01:13:04,000
Rich?
1147
01:13:04,000 --> 01:13:05,490
I guess you do know me.
1148
01:13:05,490 --> 01:13:06,780
This isn't what it looks like.
1149
01:13:06,780 --> 01:13:11,570
If it looks like he was all over me trying to get me to blow him, then yea it is what it looks like.
1150
01:13:11,570 --> 01:13:13,120
Please don't say that again.
1151
01:13:13,120 --> 01:13:15,660
I'm sorry. You're the one who made me do this.
1152
01:13:15,660 --> 01:13:17,770
Rich is lucky I love him so much.
1153
01:13:17,770 --> 01:13:19,850
- Thank you Emily.
- You're welcome Rich.
1154
01:13:19,850 --> 01:13:22,420
I'm taking you home and bathing you in Pine Sol.
1155
01:13:22,420 --> 01:13:27,710
I was drinking. She started comming onto me. I was telling her to stop. I was pushing her away and she just kept comming at me.
1156
01:13:29,150 --> 01:13:30,610
He set this up.
1157
01:13:30,610 --> 01:13:32,560
Excuses. Excuses.
1158
01:13:32,560 --> 01:13:34,560
Lindsay, please.
1159
01:13:35,800 --> 01:13:37,400
It's gonna be like that?
1160
01:13:41,180 --> 01:13:43,770
No. No. No.
1161
01:13:44,020 --> 01:13:46,810
I can't let you guys get all toughy feely.
1162
01:13:47,510 --> 01:13:50,080
oh. Hey officer. We're fine.
1163
01:13:53,090 --> 01:13:56,020
- Let go of me you asshole.
- You forgot to say please.
1164
01:14:00,130 --> 01:14:03,600
There's a bomb strapped to us. There's a bomb.
1165
01:14:08,380 --> 01:14:11,710
The cake always gets destroyed baby. Don't act surprised.
1166
01:14:22,360 --> 01:14:24,270
Help!
1167
01:14:24,270 --> 01:14:27,370
We're just role playing. There's no need to be alarmed.
1168
01:14:27,880 --> 01:14:29,620
No ones gonna help you.
1169
01:14:34,210 --> 01:14:35,620
Why are you doing this?
1170
01:14:35,620 --> 01:14:37,620
What? You don't like being kidnapped?
1171
01:14:37,620 --> 01:14:40,160
I'm messing with you.
1172
01:14:40,720 --> 01:14:43,790
Me and Rich. We go together like corn-rows and crime.
1173
01:14:43,790 --> 01:14:47,340
Unfortunately that pesky little heart of his could fuck up my very existence.
1174
01:14:47,340 --> 01:14:49,340
So it goes down to the whole Darwinian thing
1175
01:14:49,340 --> 01:14:54,440
I was hoping you'd fall for me but since it's not looking like we're gonna be smelling each other's farts anytime soon,
1176
01:14:54,440 --> 01:14:56,580
I'm just gonna amke sure you don't fall for Rich.
1177
01:14:58,160 --> 01:15:02,300
And I think it's hard to fall for someone if you're falling off a building.
1178
01:15:02,300 --> 01:15:03,030
[Screams]
1179
01:15:03,620 --> 01:15:05,820
Did anyone see a girl being kidnapped?
1180
01:15:06,040 --> 01:15:07,530
This part of the role playing too?
1181
01:15:07,530 --> 01:15:09,930
No it's not, roleplaying.
1182
01:15:20,520 --> 01:15:23,900
- God. You're not the lightest thing are you?
- I'm a size three. Asshole.
1183
01:15:23,900 --> 01:15:26,520
Where? Old Navy?
1184
01:15:30,270 --> 01:15:34,290
It's a pity things didn't work out. Tonight was gonna be amazing.
1185
01:15:34,290 --> 01:15:42,940
I was gonna cuddle you and love you and romance you and then stretch you. Hope I get a refund on that room. Fingers crossed right?
1186
01:15:45,980 --> 01:15:48,090
Alright. Where'd she go? Where'd she go? Where'd she go?
1187
01:15:51,330 --> 01:15:52,940
There she is. There she is.
1188
01:15:52,940 --> 01:15:54,520
Stay the fuck away from me.
1189
01:15:54,520 --> 01:15:56,710
Just come look at the view with me please.
1190
01:15:59,870 --> 01:16:01,160
Oh. Fuck. [Laughing]
1191
01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:03,610
Whoo. That was so fuckin' meta.
1192
01:16:04,320 --> 01:16:07,080
Ah. Shit. You Again.
1193
01:16:07,470 --> 01:16:09,250
You're like gum on a fuckin' shoe.
1194
01:16:09,250 --> 01:16:10,570
You need to stay away from her.
1195
01:16:10,570 --> 01:16:14,430
Why? So you guys can just go ride off into the sunset and grind your crotches together?
1196
01:16:14,430 --> 01:16:17,390
- Eh, I don't think so.
- You're getting weaker.
1197
01:16:17,390 --> 01:16:19,730
Aren't you? I mean thats why you just, you can't
1198
01:16:19,730 --> 01:16:20,940
Leave us alone?
1199
01:16:20,940 --> 01:16:24,230
Wow. You are so brilliant.
1200
01:16:24,230 --> 01:16:26,290
you fuckin' cracked the code man.
1201
01:16:26,290 --> 01:16:28,230
What the hell are you talking about?
1202
01:16:28,230 --> 01:16:31,980
He is, he's not, my doppleganger. Okay? He...
1203
01:16:32,800 --> 01:16:34,510
He's my penis.
1204
01:16:36,850 --> 01:16:38,710
Don't think about it too hard darling. It's
1205
01:16:38,710 --> 01:16:40,180
Pretty complicated.
1206
01:16:40,180 --> 01:16:43,500
- No nope no no no.
- Look, I'm not leaving without her.
1207
01:16:43,500 --> 01:16:46,710
Oh ok well uh, then you're not leaving.
1208
01:16:47,300 --> 01:16:51,860
Hey you wanna know why I am who I am and he is who he isn't?
1209
01:16:51,860 --> 01:16:54,230
Because he can't behave himself.
1210
01:16:54,230 --> 01:16:57,440
He's cheated on every single girlfriend that he's ever had.
1211
01:16:57,440 --> 01:16:59,330
- That is not true.
- Oh. Okay.
1212
01:16:59,330 --> 01:17:02,230
How about I tell a little story then. So...
1213
01:17:02,230 --> 01:17:04,880
Rich dated this girl Kimmy for about what, five years?
1214
01:17:04,880 --> 01:17:08,850
She was perfect actually. Anyway she took a heavy shit on his heart by sleeping with somebody else
1215
01:17:08,850 --> 01:17:11,580
Which is... actually pretty sad huh?
1216
01:17:11,580 --> 01:17:15,690
Except, he cheated, on her.
1217
01:17:16,430 --> 01:17:17,950
A few times.
1218
01:17:18,090 --> 01:17:22,370
And nobody knew it. Not even his little fuckin, butt body Josh.
1219
01:17:22,370 --> 01:17:26,000
And then he likes to blame their failure on her cold ways
1220
01:17:26,000 --> 01:17:31,040
when the reality is that he was fucking around, the whole time.
1221
01:17:33,440 --> 01:17:35,580
Look. Things are gonna be different.
1222
01:17:35,580 --> 01:17:39,180
Haven't you figured it out yet Rich? As long as I'm here,
1223
01:17:39,180 --> 01:17:41,410
It's always gonna be the same.
1224
01:17:41,410 --> 01:17:43,940
No. It's not.
1225
01:17:43,940 --> 01:17:47,660
Okay. I blamed you for a lot of things in the past.
1226
01:17:47,660 --> 01:17:50,730
Okay I made excuses. But I am stronger than you.
1227
01:17:50,730 --> 01:17:53,920
Okay It's my fault for never saying no.
1228
01:17:53,920 --> 01:17:58,530
I mean, I was a shitty person. Simple as that. And I know, I know I can't
1229
01:17:58,530 --> 01:18:00,530
Be with her and give her what she needs,
1230
01:18:00,530 --> 01:18:03,910
and that sucks, and it hurts. But,
1231
01:18:03,910 --> 01:18:05,910
That's not what this is about.
1232
01:18:05,910 --> 01:18:07,910
This is about,
1233
01:18:07,910 --> 01:18:12,000
Keeping her away from someone like you.
1234
01:18:13,290 --> 01:18:16,450
- Well let's test that resolve.
- Let's.
1235
01:18:24,390 --> 01:18:27,570
Is that all you've got? You used to jerk me off harder than that.
1236
01:18:35,830 --> 01:18:38,360
You got short legs. You can't do it. I've got long legs.
1237
01:18:42,620 --> 01:18:44,530
Oh okay. Whoa.
1238
01:18:45,150 --> 01:18:47,570
Alright. Game changer.
1239
01:18:47,570 --> 01:18:51,230
A little cyanide? Good yea. Right now is a perfect time to end it.
1240
01:18:51,230 --> 01:18:54,160
No this is for erectile dysfunction.
1241
01:18:54,160 --> 01:18:56,160
You gonna stiffen me up?
1242
01:18:56,980 --> 01:18:59,090
That's not gonna work.
1243
01:18:59,090 --> 01:19:01,090
We're about to find out. Okay?
1244
01:19:10,390 --> 01:19:12,020
It's that gun that's just out of reach.
1245
01:19:12,020 --> 01:19:14,020
Here you wanna graze it? Here you go.
1246
01:19:14,020 --> 01:19:16,780
Just give it a little graze with those fingertips.
1247
01:19:19,680 --> 01:19:22,270
Yea. Oh great.
1248
01:19:22,270 --> 01:19:24,750
Now we gotta wait an hour and a half for them to take effect.
1249
01:19:24,750 --> 01:19:26,750
These are one fifties.
1250
01:19:27,120 --> 01:19:29,260
Yea.
1251
01:19:30,160 --> 01:19:34,100
Whew. Yea. They are good. I feel fucking good.
1252
01:19:36,050 --> 01:19:37,990
You gettin' fucked up son.
1253
01:19:47,710 --> 01:19:51,680
Remember me? Bitch slap, bitch slap, bitch slap, pimp pimp.
1254
01:19:54,640 --> 01:19:57,170
I like you better when you're a damsel in distress.
1255
01:19:57,170 --> 01:19:59,170
Whew. Where's he gonna go?
1256
01:20:04,890 --> 01:20:06,950
[Screaming] No. Wait. Please.
1257
01:20:08,920 --> 01:20:10,640
Get up please.
1258
01:20:11,540 --> 01:20:13,230
Probably shouldn't have my back to him.
1259
01:20:14,410 --> 01:20:17,000
Can you do me a solid and let me know if he's commin' up?
1260
01:20:17,000 --> 01:20:17,730
Fuck you.
1261
01:20:17,790 --> 01:20:19,170
Oh thank you.
1262
01:20:24,240 --> 01:20:26,410
Oh. You wanna go another round?
1263
01:20:27,140 --> 01:20:28,330
Okay.
1264
01:20:56,970 --> 01:20:58,460
I win.
1265
01:21:05,840 --> 01:21:07,530
We got him.
1266
01:21:12,380 --> 01:21:15,340
Here we go folks. Got you a little blanket.
1267
01:21:15,340 --> 01:21:19,790
Oh thank you. It's like 70 degrees out here so,
1268
01:21:19,790 --> 01:21:21,840
we don't need a blanket.
1269
01:21:21,840 --> 01:21:23,840
Thank you for saving me.
1270
01:21:23,840 --> 01:21:28,240
Sure yea. I mean I'm gonna have to bill ya for a few extra training sessions. But,
1271
01:21:28,520 --> 01:21:29,930
Shut up.
1272
01:21:31,110 --> 01:21:33,050
Alright look.
1273
01:21:33,050 --> 01:21:37,250
So, I know, that I'm not
1274
01:21:37,620 --> 01:21:40,350
all there, so to speak.
1275
01:21:40,350 --> 01:21:41,000
But,
1276
01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:44,800
Hey. I wanna make it work too.
1277
01:21:46,180 --> 01:21:47,670
Yea?
1278
01:22:01,560 --> 01:22:02,970
What?
1279
01:22:07,220 --> 01:22:08,680
Rich.
1280
01:22:09,610 --> 01:22:14,770
Oh my God. What? Oh yes!
1281
01:22:14,770 --> 01:22:16,770
Oh I own you bitch.
1282
01:22:16,770 --> 01:22:18,370
Where's the perp?
1283
01:22:18,370 --> 01:22:21,130
He's gone. He vanished. Like Yoda.
1284
01:22:21,130 --> 01:22:23,440
He did a slow fade into nothin'?
1285
01:22:23,440 --> 01:22:25,780
No. Just the blink of the eye.
1286
01:22:26,030 --> 01:22:29,550
Ok then it's not like Yoda. Because Yoda faded away.
1287
01:22:31,190 --> 01:22:32,430
Right.
1288
01:22:32,430 --> 01:22:34,430
Oh, my god.
1289
01:22:34,430 --> 01:22:36,430
Sorry.
1290
01:22:38,370 --> 01:22:41,720
- Really?
- Sorry. Sorry.
1291
01:22:42,910 --> 01:22:46,540
Yea. Alright look. Wow. Now that he's back,
1292
01:22:46,540 --> 01:22:48,540
Okay.
1293
01:22:48,540 --> 01:22:53,100
I can't promise that, I won't look. But,
1294
01:22:53,100 --> 01:22:57,750
I can promise one hundred percent, that I will be good.
1295
01:23:00,880 --> 01:23:04,680
I'll just have to keep you occupied then.
1296
01:23:04,680 --> 01:23:06,680
Yea. Works.
104108
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