Original subtitles

Dean was free climbing with no harness.

His fall was so hot.

He held eye contact the whole way down.

I felt like it was in slow motion.

I was actually in fear of my life,

but still, like halfway down,

I was able to pull off one of these. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Oh, my God. Dean, I'm blown away.

Uh, and I just want to be the first person to ask you...

Will. You. Do. My. Podcast?

Let me give you 5 answers here, OK? I would never do your podcast.

I won't do your podcast. No way.

Not gonna do your podcast. And [BLOWS RASPBERRY].

You pick. You pick any of those answers.

The last one could have been anything.

Be right back.

Look, while I'm out of commission, Benji,

I'm gonna need you to help out at the office, OK?

I'm waiting on an international courier

to deliver something very, very important.

Oh, OK, yeah!

I want you to go in there.

I want you to not talk to anyone.

Keep your mouth shut. And I don't want you to touch anything.

And try not to bring shame on our family.

How 'bout that, man?

I mean, I can not talk,

but shame on the family?

- That's a real stretch, don't you think? - He can't pull that off.

Babe, I'm going to Palm Springs for the weekend.

If you don't hear from me, send me a DM on Instagram.

OK, cool.

- Take me out, babe! - Yeah.

I mean, Olivia may have a perfect clavicle,

but she's a crappy girlfriend, OK?

You don't just leave someone in their time of need.

Now, I'm gonna be stuck taking care of Dean.

Such a classic Esther move.

Tryin' to take advantage of a broken man.

You know, now that I think about it,

I think every hot guy you slept with had the flu.

Please. I'm just gonna make him soup, wash his bed sores.

If we watch a movie, hold hands, and fall in love, so be it.

Really? And is that before or after you break his legs with a sledgehammer?

Oh, very funny.

Hopefully before.

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -

Oh! How can I help you?

Uh, I'm Dean's brother. I... I can't talk.

Oh, I didn't know Dean had a... brother...

that's a bigger jerk than him.

Oh. Pretty good bones.

Delivery for Mr. Aflalo.

- Hi. - Ooh...

Look, man, you don't have to be ashamed.

Like, 95% of people at work are looking at porn.

I wasn't looking at porn. I'm looking at houses up for auction.

Even if I was looking at porn, I'm porn-positive.

- There's no shame in it. - Sure.

Sure. This is for you. Uh, international package.

What? It's from Vietnam. I love their soup!

- It's pronounced "fo" or "fuh"? - I really don't know.

'Cause there's two restaurants by my house,

and one's called, "What Have You Done Pho Me Lately"

and the other one's called, "Phoget About It."

I work two jobs, man. Can you just sign, please?

Yeah.

Hey, Dean, are you decent?

Yeah, you're supposed to come into the room

- after you ask that question. - Oh.

I brought you a little something that helps me when I'm sick.

"Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Dangerous."

I haven't seen the first one, so, you know what,

- it's not gonna make sense. - You do not need to see both.

In fact, it... it's better to watch the second one first.

[SIGHS] Please leave my room.

I also brought you this. It's a vuvuzela.

They were very popular during the World Cup.

I won mine in a meat-eating contest

at a Brazilian restaurant.

It's very sensual. [BLOWS INTO VUVUZELA]

I don't want you to do that.

I'm gonna leave it with you, and just blow on it

if you need anything in this world at all.

OK, so, then, if I don't blow on it, you'll never come back again?

Very silly, but my rules are:

Blow once for water, twice for bathroom help,

three times for an emergency, and four times,

I'll just go ahead and assume you're watching soccer.

I'll see ya later!

That's all I needed.

Why are you walking like you're squashing bugs?

(WHISPERS) OK, sorry.

Oh! I'm sorry, Benji, but visiting hours are over.

Why do you look and smell like a man with a job?

I'm an international businessman. Scusi.

[DEAN] Let him in and go home!

You have 15 minutes. He's really tired.

Hey, Benj, look who came through, all right!

Ahh!

See? I'm embarrassing, but not always embarrassing.

How's it feel to trust your brother? Feel good?

Pretty soon, I'll be drinkin' out of your boob mug from Cabo,

- am I right? - I don't know, man.

That was hand-painted. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Also, I saw some of the houses

you have up for auction, and...

I'd be glad to help out, if you want.

- Oh, hell yeah! - Really?

Oh, aren't these sick?

You... you had me go all the way to your office just to pick up shoes?

These aren't just shoes.

These are 2011 Air Jordan West All-Star Team Editions.

What did you think this was?

I don't know. I thought I was doing

important international business-y... business.

Man, you're not ready for real responsibility.

I watched you and Esther build a fort yesterday.

I get real estate stuff. I'm in this family, too.

Sometimes, Dad talked to me. A little.

OK, well, you know what, actually, tomorrow,

I do need you to go run by the office.

I need you to pick up two pairs of shoes for me.

If you really need me to just be your errand boy,

I'll do it, but, for the record,

the fort had a skylight.

Who cares, it had a skylight?

And also, Esther barely helped.

Oh, it was mostly you that made the fort?

That's more sad. You just made it more sad.

- [ICE CLINKING IN GLASS] - Benji, you need to be quiet, OK?

What if Dean calls?

You know, I should just go check on him now.

He doesn't need you. He doesn't need either of us.

We're like packing snow pants to Hawaii.

OK, but, you know what I'm just now realizing,

is that the vuvuzela could be broken...

Esther, those things are made to last through a soccer riot.

You could kill an innocent Spaniard with one

and it would still work. I don't think he's calling you.

OK, but, you know, if Dean doesn't want me at his lowest,

then he may never want me, and I may need to face the fact

that he may never get me accidentally pregnant.

Esther, was that on the table?

My really good-looking, tall brother getting you pregnant?

- I don't remember hearing that. - I mean... it was on my table.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

- Olivia. - Hey, is Dean up?

My plans got cancelled. I'm gonna let him

eat this nigiri off me while we watch a movie.

Um... yeah. Uh, come on in.

- [VUVUZELA BLOWS] - Wait!

Actually, I forgot for a second.

- Dean... died. - [VUVUZELA BLOWS]

We're all really sad, and we're in the middle

of a Brazilian death ritual. So I have to go.

- Great to see you. Bye! - [VUVUZELA BLOWS]

Why are you wearing my hair net?

I'm making table-side lemonade for Dean,

and it's gonna be... a little bit sour, a little bit sweet,

and a little bit... sexy! [GROWLS]

My brother does not want you help.

What you don't know, is that yesterday,

Dean needed me to change the batteries in his remote,

and who had AA batteries just in their purse?

Little old future perfect wife and mother, me.

Did you use your purse vibrator batteries?

- Yeah, how'd you know? - 'Cause I don't think

there's anything else in your purse that needs batteries.

Why do you look and smell like you've been doing you-know-what?

I mean, come on, man.

The only thing worse than being an adult errand boy

is being an adult errand boy who actually tries. So yes, I got high.

- Big deal. - I didn't want to have to do this,

but I'm gonna have to go tell Dean that you're high.

You know what? I'm gonna have to tell Dean

that you told Olivia he was dead.

Never mind! Have a great day!

Yeah. You too.

- What? - Dean. Hi.

Um, you may be noticing that one of my many talents

is squeezing lemons performatively.

- [LEMON JUICE SQUIRTS] - Ah! Come on.

Sorry. I am sorry about that.

- Whoa! Whoa! Dean, what are you doing? - [BONES CRACK]

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Argh! That's bone-on-bone.

Ow! Ow!

OK, that's what happens when you try to escape me.

I just... got a little ahead of myself, I guess.

I'm gonna leave you alone, OK?

Hey.

OK, I'll have some of that lemonade.

- OK, there you go. - [GROANS]

- [SUCKS THROUGH STRAW] - Mm-hmm.

- Is it good? -No, it tastes like guacamole.

Oh, I forgot to wash the mortar and pestle.

That's so gross!

Well, it's... California style.

- [GAME BEEPS] - [KYLE] But if they're not askin',

- I'm not tellin', you know? - [LAUGHS] That's not even...

- Oh! I'm... - Oh. Dean's brother.

Didn't see ya there.

- My bad! I was just... - dealin' with this shark right now.

You got a big deal cookin' up?

We don't have to small talk. None of this shit matters.

- [GAME BEEPS] - Love ya.

Three point five million, I'm the man! Yes!

Oh. He just closed a $3.5 million deal before lunch.

OK, a three point five sell pre-Cobb salad, that's insane.

What? Who the hell are you?

- Where's Dean? - Um...

I... I can handle one question at a time.

Well, answer this one question, you little turd.

My house, which I'm about to close on,

is now going to someone else.

Wow, I'm... I'm sorry, man. That sucks.

Your buddy Dean said it was a done deal.

What do you want a house in L. A. For, anyways? We're on a fault line.

We're just an ocean waiting to happen.

OK, your level of calmness is not correct

for the amount of anger that I'm directing at you.

I mean, my dad's Middle Eastern, I grew up around a lot of yelling.

It just goes right through me.

You gotta throw a lamp if you really want to get

- a reaction out of me. - [LAUGHS]

I think I get you. You're a straight-shooter.

Not like Dean, who talks out of both sides of his ass.

You know, he could learn a thing or two from you.

Yeah, pretty boys don't learn that well, you know?

Did he just talk down Mr. Sears?

I think he might be Dean's secret weapon.

[BLOWS VUVUZELA]

Dean, what an incredible strong, loud toot.

- Are you OK? - No, I'm not OK.

My straw has a hole in it, so I can't drink my smoothie.

Look. I get nothing but air. See?

So how could everything be OK if that's happening?

OK. Somebody sounds a little bit grumpy.

- I'm not grumpy. I'm real. -Well, I think maybe it's time for lunch.

- [GLASS CLANGS] - What's that?

It's an ice cube.

I put them in there because I have actually

burned several layers of my soft palate,

and I do not want to let that happen to you.

Mm-hmm.

I actually cooked the carrots longer than I cooked the rest of the can,

because carrots can be a choking hazard.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Dean, did you hear what I said about the carrots?

Hey, who do you think's hotter, Olivia H. Or Olivia R.?

Why don't we take a break from screen time?

Oh, come on, I need that.

- No. - Come on, I'm bored.

Let's just... here, let's watch this.

Oh, my God. "Miss Congeniality 2"?

Yeah, let's watch a movie. OK.

Soup time's over. I'll be right back.

Hey, budd... hey!

What are you doin'? These are pumps, man.

- You could break the chamber like that. - I don't care about shoes, man.

I just saved your biggest client.

That old guy, yells a lot, grumpy and stuff?

- Mr. Sears? - He was about to fire you,

and then I stepped in, saved the day, charmed 'im.

You got me playin' waterboy, dude!

I should be out there getting concussions like everyone else.

No, dude. You pulled a hamstring playing Twister.

You're not ready to go out in the field, OK? Trust me. [LAUGHS]

Oh, really? Look.

I went through your computer.

I found a house up for auction

better than the one you're lookin' at.

Yeah, this is... I mean, this house is OK.

It's good. It's not bad. But, look, I'm lookin'

at a house that's in a neighborhood that's gentrifying hard.

I know that neighborhood really well.

It's been gentrifying for years.

I was eating cauliflower pizza there in like, 2013.

This is the house I'm lookin' at.

And I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do. Mainly because I'm laid up here.

You're gonna go to auction and try

and snatch this house up for me, how 'bout that?

Really?

I'm gonna kill it, dude. I'm not gonna mess up.

I've been wanting to do this for a while. Thank you!

- No problem. - I'm not gonna let you down!

Step aside.

It's "Miss Congeniality 2"...

o'clock.

How'd you change your makeup so fast? What do you got, a stencil?

I've been experimenting with a smoky eye, and you need to leave.

[BRAKES SQUEAL ON TV]

A lot of people tell me that I should have been an FBI agent.

That I missed my calling.

I almost took the test once.

You would be so great.

I could really see you rescuing me from a murderer's basement dungeon,

and then, like, holding me while I shiver.

- [CRUNCH] - Ow, it's all kernel-y.

What is this? There's like, no... It's all seeds.

You don't need to eat the popcorn.

No, I can't eat the popcorn, is what I'm saying.

It's all seeds. What do I have, a beak?

Well, you could just take from the top,

because the seeds are at the bottom.

So you don't have to scrounge in there for them.

My point is, is that you should be able

to grab any of the popcorn wherever I put my hand,

and... grab popcorn.

I... I don't understand what's happening right now.

Every single bowl of popcorn in human history

has always had a seed bed, so I don't know how...

- Not in movie theaters. - Yes.

Have you ever looked in a movie theater popcorn machine?

There's a giant fluffy top, and then at the bottom,

there's a wall-to-wall seed bed.

OK, so that's a good idea. I'm gonna go to a movie theater

and stick my head in a movie theater popcorn machine.

- Well... - And not be a crazy person.

Nobody said stick your head in it.

- I just said, "Look in it"... - You were insinuating it.

You were insinuating for me to stick my head in a popcorn machine.

Look, just... this is the makeover montage,

- so, can you just...? - [TV VOLUME INCREASES]

I need to make over this popcorn,

- is what we need to make over. - No, we don't.

Benji, Benji, Benji!

Oh, it's you!

Guess who's goin' to the auction for Dean?

I'm lubricating my throat. This is what George Harrison did

for the Concert for Bangladesh.

It's how he sings forever.

It's partially the cocaine that gives you the endurance,

but that also hurts your throat, so...

Benji! Stop talking! I'm having a crisis!

I was just in bed with Dean,

and we were holding hands watching my favorite movie,

like, basically, in a solid pre-cuddle,

and I didn't like it. In fact, I found it annoying.

What is with this popcorn?

Look at kernel-y that is!

What am I, one of Darwin's finches?

How am I gonna eat those kernels?

It's not kernels. Just take from the fluffy top.

There's no problem. It's just...

Oh, my God. Broken Dean isn't hot,

because Broken Dean is you.

[CRUNCHES]

Ew! Ew! No! No, no, no, no, no!

[BLOWS VUVUZELA]

Olivia! Hey, great news. Dean's alive.

Yeah. No, I know. There was a mix-up at the morgue.

Happens more thank you think.

- Sure. Um... - [VUVUZELA BLOWS]

He's been asking for you, so... Oh, you're in Mexico?

- [VUVUZELA BLOWS] - OK.

You... you're not coming?

Yeah, no, sure, I'll tell Dean you think it's turnt he's still alive.

Great. Thanks so much. Bye.

- [VUVUZELA BLOWS] - Dean, you're abusing the toot system!

Here's your lemonade.

- Why is it all gloppy? - Dean, what do you want from me?

Actually, I want the humidifier in Benji's room.

All right, the corner of my lip is startin' to crack.

OK. Coming right up.

Thank you.

- [PHONE VIBRATES] - Benji.

Dean, I'm here. I'm sort of overdressed.

Everyone looks like they work at a truck stop.

Well, don't underestimate them, because they each

have enough cash in their pocket to get Nic Cage out of debt.

Next property up is Marion Court.

We'll start bidding at $450,000.

(WHISPERS) Game face.

Your face didn't change at all, did it?

- (WHISPERS) No. - I knew it.

- Four-fifty! - Four-fifty.

I've got four hundred and fifty. Any further bidders?

Going once.

Going twice.

We're lookin' good, Dean.

I shoulda brought a lawn chair, but we are lookin' good.

- Five hundred! - Yo, what's going on?

There's people from your office bidding.

I just waved at them. That felt weird.

Why did I do that? I shoulda done a throat-cutting motion.

Five hundred, going twice!

Bid, bid, bid, bid! But six hundred is our max.

- Five-fifty! - Five-seventy!

- Five-eighty! - Five-ninety!

Six hundred!

Six-fifty.

Going once... twice. This property is sold.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Dean, are you sitting down? We lost the house.

I know you're sitting down. That was a dumb question.

- No, you have to get that house. - I don't know what you want from me!

I did everything you told me to do!

I took enough ADD medicine to kill a horse.

- [LAUGHING] - Hey, little guy.

- Hi. - Sorry we took your house.

You guys don't seem sorry. You're saying "sorry,"

- but your face doesn't seem sorry. - [KYLE] The secret's out.

You're the brains behind Dean's little operation.

Any house you bid on has gotta be worth more than market.

Mm-hmm. You got prop-blocked, sucka.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Later.

Dean, I think we lost the house

'cause everyone at your office thinks I'm a genius.

I knew you'd bring shame on our family.

I think all we gotta do to fix this

is just buy that house I told you about.

No, do not buy that house!

I can't hear you. There's, like, construction or something.

- Can you hear me? - Hello?

It's a cheap Bluetooth. I got it on Canal Street.

Two-for-one with a stun gun. Hello?

Hey! Oh, come on!

Damn it.

Do not throw things at me, Dean.

I am already covered in sloshed-out humidifier water.

Dude, Benji's gone rogue, all right?

I need to call somebody at the office

to figure this out. Give me my phone!

- No. - Yes.

No!

[BLOWS VUVUZELA]

I need my phone!

Too bad!

- That was your idea! - I can't take it anymore, Dean.

This isn't you. This is not the Dean I fell in love with.

I thought I wanted Broken Dean, but I don't! I take it back!

Get yourself together,

wipe the soup crust off your chin right here,

and go to the auction yourself!

- But I'm injured! -I don't care that you're injured.

Benji is out in the world doing your business for you

while you're sitting here breathing in

his humidifier algae. Is that what you want?

Did you seriously not clean that?

We both know I didn't clean it, Dean.

Get your ass out of bed now.

Do you know how to drive a seven speed dual clutch transmission?

I absolutely do not. Let's go.

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

I don't know how we got here!

I don't even think I touched the wheel.

Dude, you're a dead man.

I didn't buy wave runners and blow

with your cashiers checks, just relax.

I want you to look at this house.

I'm telling you, the price is better than the other one,

and it's a block closer to Whole Foods.

Yeah, it's a good deal. But we're gonna have to bid on it

without those parasites knowing that we're doing it.

OK, well...

Maybe I can wear a fake mustache and then, I can bid, or...

Or Esther, you can do a smoky eye for me...

- What? - A smoky eye and a mustache?

- Oh, yeah. Both. That'd be a great idea. - No, that's not a good idea.

What are you, a Kardashian?

He can't pull off Kardashian.

Oh, no, wait, shut up. Hold on one second.

- We're gonna use Esther. - Me?

You guys wanna use me? Are you serious?

- [BOTH] Yes. - OK.

- Just say numbers. - OK. [EXHALES]

Next up, the property at 770 Springvale Drive.

We'll start the bidding at $440,000.

Four-forty, please. Yeah?

Going once.

Oh, my God. Am I about to win?

Twice! Being no further bids, this property is sold!

[SHRIEKS]

To the woman doing ballet.

I won! I won! I won!

You said a number. Let's not get carried away.

How do you let her drive the car? You never let me drive the car.

Maybe because you don't know how to drive a six transmission

seven clutch red car.

You know, I hate to admit it, but...

wasn't a bad deal.

You guys did a good job.

Here's your paperwork.

Let me know if you need a guy for the blood stains on the carpets.

- Wait, what? - It's a murder house.

Some woman got bludgeoned to death there.

Good luck if you're tryin' to re-sell it. Enjoy!

I had no idea.

I bought a murder house?

I mean, I know it was the violent end

to someone else's life, but...

it's the best day of mine! Ha-ha!

You know what else there's a good thing to find out

before you purchase a house?

Is whether or not someone was murdered in it.

Maybe I just go back to picking up shoes for you,

and then work my way back up?

I was crushing it with your shoes, remember that?

It was shoe after shoe after shoe with me.

Looks like I'm the little brother now.

You're not his little brother. I'm his little brother!

- No. She's my little brother now. - She is not your little brother!

Can't be wife, I'll take little brother.

Peel out, lil' bro.

[ENGINE REVS]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -