All language subtitles for home_improvement_S01E16

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- Hey, this is great!
- What are you guys doing?

Checking to see
if these ice skates fit Mark.

- So, if he falls out, they don't fit?
- Right.

Put him down.

Randy, come on over here
and help me load up some firewood.

- Your mom's really cold.
- How come Mom is always cold?

Guys, I'm gonna tell you
something about women.

They're always cold.

It's our job as hot-blooded men
to heat the women up.

If men are hot-blooded,
are women cold-blooded?

Out of the mouths of babes.

Hey, Dad, maybe we should get Mom
a heater for her birthday.

Birthday!

- Dad forgot Mom's birthday.
- Did not.

- Did too.
- Did not.

Are we gonna do something special
for her birthday on Saturday?

Yeah, Saturday. Yeah!

Oh! We'll have a big party.

We'll cater some food, her favorite
restaurant, balloons, everything.

- Won't she be disappointed?
- Why?

Her birthday is Friday.

Oh! Honey, this is the season…

Jack frost nipping at my nose.

This is the season
for somebody's birthday.

- You remembered.
- Of course I did.

Which one of the boys told you?

Come on.
Honey, I'm insulted.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You've been so busy at work.
I figured you'd for sure forget.

As a matter of fact
I had to remind the boys
it wasn't Saturday, it was Friday.

It is Saturday.

- Gotcha.
- What?

- It's Friday.

Well…

now that we have
the day established.

Let's move on
into the gift category.

Oh, honey,
you don't have to get me anything.

Let's say I was gonna get you something.
What would you want me to get you?

If I have to tell you what to get.
I might as well go out and buy it myself.

Now you're talking.

You put that money back in your pocket, or
I'll break both your legs. Oh, Tim, come on.

We've been married 12 years and every
year I put a lot of thought into your gift.

I tune in to who you are,
and I get you something you really want.

- I do that, too.
- Oh, yeah?

This is how you tuned in to me last year.

A pressurized window washer?

It shattered a window.

Every piece was clean, though -
all of them.

- What about this thing?
- You never even used it.

I didn't know what it was.
I was afraid it might eat me.

Honey, honey.
It's a de-nubber.

It de.

It de-nubs things,
forget about this thing.

Tim… a gift doesn't have to be
any kind of a big deal.

You should just close your eyes
and think of who I am.

- A tape deck.
- Tim.

A waffle iron.

- Ukulele.
- Stop it.

I want you to get me something thoughtful,
just something from your heart.

Arteries.

We have a special guest
on Tool Time.

As you all know, we're in the midst of our
project house in Keego Harbor Heights.

I've got the owner of the house. Eugene
Ingram. Give him a big grunting welcome.

- Hi. Eugene. How you doin'?
- Just call me Ink.

My friends all call me Ink.

Ink, you live up there
in Keego Harbor Heights…

That's right.
We're a planned community.

48 peas in a pod.

Right. And we're gonna make
your pod a little more distinctive

by pushing out a wall and adding a huge
living room onto an existing porch for you.

Actually, it's for my wife. See, she wants
a little more space in the living room.

Did she tell you that,
or did you have to guess?

- Oh, no. She tells me what she wants.
- Does she?

We call her Pink.

Pink and Ink, see?

I've got a picture of Pink
standing right in front of the house.

- Let's take a look at that house.
- Actually, it's a little hard to see the house.

She's a… a lotta woman.

Yeah, a whole lotta woman.
We'll see you there Friday. Ink.

- It'll be good to get started on your house…
- Hey, Al!

Here's something
you don't see every day.

This is Pink last summer
on the old Slip 'N Slide.

Boy, she went like a rocket.

Now, no one was hurt in this.

Those kids lying there
were just, uh, stunned.

Maybe we shouldn't have spent
all our allowance on these baseball cards.

- Hey, we had to get the Tiger infield.
- Yeah. But now we're broke.

Where are we gonna
get money for Mom's gift?

- Play along.
- Yeah.

Hey, Mark.
You know, you're a real smart kid.

- You saved your money.
- Thanks.

Now you have enough
to pay your little-brother tax.

My what?

The younger brother pays the older brother
a tax when he's seven.

I'm not paying you anything.

fine. Have it your way.

but we just might hide some
strange animals in your bed.

- Unless you pay the tax.
- How much is it?

- How much you got?
- $4.77.

Sorry. It's $5.OO.

Come on, Randy. He's our little brother.
Give him a break.

OK.

- We'll help you empty this thing out.
- Yeah.

- Thanks, guys.
- Don't run in the house.

Honey. I said
stop running in the house.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Got a little list of things for your birthday.
- You haven't gotten me a gift yet?

Yeah, sure I have. I just wonder
if you can guess which one it is.

Why don't you surprise me?

At your age,
the surprise could kill you.

Well. let me give you a hint.

Never give a woman
anything she has to plug in.

Tim.

I want you to be
completely honest with me.

Do I look, like, a whole lot older
than when you met me?

- A whole lot older?
- Just answer the question.

Of course you don't look
a whole lot older.

Well, you have to admit I'm not
that same skinny little peanut you married.

Yeah. I know.

You look better. That's what I meant.
No, you look a lot better. You do.

- You don't think I'm too fat?
- No.

You look perfect.

Don't lie to me. You wish that
I looked like that for my birthday.

That would be for my birthday.

Come on, honey! Come on…

Dad, did you get Mom
another dorky birthday gift this year?

Yeah, should I make room for it
in the closet?

Real funny. What'd you two brainiacs
get her that was so wonderful?

Well, Brad and I got her
this really neat perfume.

You sure you got enough of it?

Ohh! Treasure Island perfume.

This came in a gift set, didn't it?
Little parrot and a peg leg for her?

Arr, matey! Arr!

Look like a pirate,
and I smell like one, too.

I made her a crayon drawing,
and I used every color in the box.

That's good, see? It's nice to make stuff
for her. You tuned right in to her, Mark.

I tuned in to her, too.
I got her a neat gift, too.

What?

You know how
she's been exercising, right?

Well. I got her a lifetime membership
at that Galaxy Health Spa.

Can't wait to see the look
on her face when she opens that.

Here she comes. Sit down.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Happy birthday!

- What's the matter?
- I am never ever going to exercise again.

I was actually thinking
of joining a health club.

That'll be a cold day in Detroit.

- Mom, open our gifts.
- Yeah. Dad, you want to go first?

It's her birthday all day,
why give her every gift at once?

- You didn't get me anything, did you?
- He did. He got you…

Haµµy birthday to yo4

Haµµy birthday to yo4

Haµµy birthday, dear Mom

Haµµy birthday to yo4

Al, what am I gonna do?
I have to get Jill a birthday present.

It's got to come from the heart.
I can't plug it in and I can't rewire it.

- What the heck does that leave?
- Tim, concentrate.

We're going on the air live in a minute.
Now, where's the owner. Mr Ingram?

I don't know. He's supposed to meet us
here. We'll go without him if he's not here.

- Here we go. In five…
- Think about a gift for me.

Gift, gift. gift, gift.

Hi, everybody. I'm Tim Taylor. Welcome
to this special edition of Tool Time.

here at our project house
in beautiful Keego Harbor Heights.

- Howdy, Al.
- Howdy, Tim.

Al, what are we doing today?

Well, Tim, we'll be expanding the Ingrams'
living room out here onto the porch.

But first we get
to dismantle the existing porch.

We'll be carting the debris away in this -

the beautiful Tool Time truck.
Blood. Sweat, and Gears.

This is not your standard Detroit issue.
We've made a few engine modifications.

Of course, when you say "we"
you mean "you".

That's right, Al, because if I left it up to you,
we'd be on a skateboard and a moped.

Hear that? That's a Big-Block Chevy. 454,
two four-barrel carburettors

nestled on aluminum high-rise
manifold headers, and dual exhaust.

- Let's back her into position, Al.
- All right.

We'll be back live
right after these messages.

Tim. I'm going back to the truck.

Oh, come on, Al.
I need a second opinion. Come on.

Well, it's…

It's just I feel a little awkward. I've never
been in the women's department before.

Hi, Al.

- Why did that woman say hi to you?
- Maybe I remind her of someone.

Remind her of someone named Al, who
looks like you, with a hammer in his belt?

Hi, Al.

OK. I'm not gonna to lie to you.

Sometimes I come here
to try and meet women.

What?!

- Hi, Al.
- Hi. Mrs Chapman.

I just wanted to mention
there's a sale tomorrow

in the full-figured ladies' department.

- Maybe you're not interested in that type.
- No, my mother was quite large.

Good luck.

You scare me, Al.

Well, what do you expect me to do?
Dating's tough. I go where the women are.

Art galleries.
Laundromats, immigration.

Don't tell me this stuff. OK?

Let's get…

Immigration?

Let's… let's try to tune in to my wife Jill.

Look around. Do you think
she'd like anything in here?

Well, if I were Jill.
I'd like any of these things.

Al, please'

Now, what about these dresses? I'm a little
confused. Six, eight, ten, twelve…

Does that mean twelve inches?

Well, that doesn't sound right.

Let's figure this…
I've got a 32 waist, right? I wear a 32 pant.

Jill's smaller than me.
She's got to be… 20.

Well, here.
That would be this.

You look like a hang-glider, Al.

Well, a more personal gift
would be lingerie.

- Hey! Bingo! Jill loves lingerie.
- Yeah?

How do you know if it's her?
Or anybody?

Could you picture her in this?

Not now.

Excuse me,
are you looking for a gift?

- I need some help. What do wives like?
- I'm not sure. I'm not married myself.

Oh. I'm so sorry. Is the smell
of my perfume bothering you?

No. It's a lovely fragrance.

- What's it called?
- Available.

Really?

We have a full line of men's cologne.
Would you be interested?

Yes, I am.

Al, you're gonna help me.

- You know. I haven't seen you here before.
- Al?

This is a temp job.
Actually. I'm an actress.

Really? I'm on television.
I have my own show.

OK, boys. I'm going out for some aspirin
and some Epsom salts.

When your daddy comes home,
tell him that I'll be right back.

Mom, since you're going out.

why don't you wear
some of our Treasure Island perfume?

Yeah.

Well. I was saving that
for a special occasion.

Well, there's plenty of it here.
You can wear it all the time.

Yeah.

l could do that, couldn't I?

Well… go ahead.

OK. I will.

Whoa!

That is so unique.

Ohh! It tingles.

And burns.

Well, you know, that is always a sign
of a really good perfume.

Well. I'm glad you like it.
We almost didn't buy it.

Yeah. We were gonna buy you flowers.

Oh. Well…

I guess I really lucked out,
cos flowers die.

and this I'm gonna have forever.

Wilson, Wilson!

- Hi-de-ho, neighbor.
- Oh, Wilson, great.

You gotta help me.
I'm in big, big trouble.

It's Jill's birthday, right?

Yeah, and she wants me to get something
that's in tune with her and from the heart.

and I don't know what to do, Wilson.

- Tim. I am reminded of a story.
- Wilson. I don't have time for this.

Well, neighbor,
what is time but "Tim" with an e?

Huh?

Anyway, there once was this little boy in
Africa who wanted to give his teacher a gift.

but he had no money.

So he walked two days to the ocean,
and he picked up a handful of sand.

and walked two days back,
and he gave it to her.

She was greatly moved by the gift.

but she said.
"It was so far for you to walk:'

And he said. "Teacher,
the journey is part of the gift."

Yeah, but Wilson.
I've been on the journey.

It's the destination. It's the sand.
I don't know what to get her.

Well, Tim,
maybe you're just trying too hard.

And she's not being any help.
She's being so sensitive about this.

Well, sometimes birthdays
only remind us of how old we are.

Maybe Jill needs to be reminded of all
the simple joys she had in getting there.

- What kind of gift would do that?
- Well. I don't know, Tim.

You'll have to listen to that little voice
inside you. It'll tell you what to do.

What's it sound like?

It sounds… like this.

What are you doing?

Dad wants to talk to you.

Mark and I were talking out in the garage.

Do you guys know anything
about a little-brother tax?

No.No.

Maybe I should tell you about
the large-angry-father tax.

All right, all right.
We'll pay Mark back.

You're darn right you'll pay him back. Next
mo weeks, your allowance goes to Mark.

Come on. Let's go.

I want you to go upstairs and tell
your mom to come down here right away.

Mom! Dad wants you!

I could have done that!

- What are you up to?
- I finished your birthday gift.

- You gave me… tools.
- No.

Open it up.

All right.

- This is the gift.
- What…?

Too often in our lives we look at birthdays
as just a signpost of the years we lived.

instead of relishing the wonder
of the journey to get the sand.

What?

Watch.

- Oh, my gosh. Where did you get that?
- Watch, watch.

Oh, that's the first time
I ever saw the ocean.

And there I am in my princess dress.

And that's my cat. Samantha.
I called her Sammy.

And… Oh.

Who is that?

That's a man you'll meet years later
and marry, and he loves you very much.

That is so…

- What is that?
- I had to record over this gladiator movie.

There's that pause button I slipped off.
Stick him. Demetrius! Get him!

Honey, this is the best gift I ever got.
I can't believe you did this.

- I love you so much.
- I love you, too.

It burns.

Hello? Hi. Ink.

You heard about it, huh?

That truck took off like a rocket,
just like Pink on the Slip 'N Slide.

We didn't stun any kids, though.
Al and I will be by Monday. Uh-huh. Early.

We'll finish up that living room then.
OK, thanks.

Hear that? That's a Big-Block Chevy. 454,
mo four-barrel carburettors

nestled on aluminum high-rise
manifold headers, and dual exhaust.

- Let's back her into position, Al.
- All right.

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