Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:13,072 --> 00:01:14,562
Tommy?
2
00:01:14,673 --> 00:01:16,903
Tommy, the baby.
3
00:01:16,975 --> 00:01:18,169
Hm?
4
00:01:18,243 --> 00:01:19,574
It's your turn.
5
00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:23,313
Please.
6
00:01:23,382 --> 00:01:26,510
Right. Right.
Okay, okay.
7
00:01:32,691 --> 00:01:34,488
God damned baby.
8
00:01:49,741 --> 00:01:51,902
Don't do that.
9
00:01:52,010 --> 00:01:56,106
The second we walked in here,
I could feel my wallet start whining.
10
00:01:56,215 --> 00:01:59,013
If we're gonna get the steak,
you wanna get the Oregon Pinot?
11
00:01:59,084 --> 00:02:02,178
Yeah, I saw that.
It's 200 bucks though.
12
00:02:02,254 --> 00:02:04,222
Babe, it's
our anniversary.
13
00:02:04,289 --> 00:02:08,020
Have you had a chance to decide
on some wine this evening?
14
00:02:08,093 --> 00:02:09,685
You have no
Iive entertainment.
15
00:02:09,761 --> 00:02:11,786
You are correct, sir.
16
00:02:11,897 --> 00:02:14,957
And I have no money.
An idea, and you can say no.
17
00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:19,527
Is it possible for me to dance off a portion of our tab?
18
00:02:19,605 --> 00:02:21,971
Dance it away?
19
00:02:22,040 --> 00:02:24,235
It would be
unusual.
20
00:02:24,309 --> 00:02:25,469
Look how cute he is.
21
00:02:25,544 --> 00:02:26,909
Has this worked before?
22
00:02:26,979 --> 00:02:28,537
Not that I can
remember.
23
00:02:28,614 --> 00:02:30,241
Are you sure?
Because he's very good.
24
00:02:30,315 --> 00:02:31,543
Really?
25
00:02:31,617 --> 00:02:33,983
No.
26
00:02:34,086 --> 00:02:35,383
You're an idiot.
27
00:02:35,454 --> 00:02:37,251
I'm an idiot?
You married me.
28
00:02:39,958 --> 00:02:41,482
So?
29
00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:43,152
Three years!
30
00:02:43,228 --> 00:02:44,490
I know.
Three years.
31
00:02:44,596 --> 00:02:46,427
Well?
32
00:02:46,498 --> 00:02:49,831
I knew you were
gonna bring this up.
33
00:02:49,902 --> 00:02:51,233
So, you remembered?
34
00:02:51,303 --> 00:02:53,601
Absolutely,
I remember.
35
00:02:53,672 --> 00:02:55,003
So, you're ready?
36
00:02:55,073 --> 00:02:57,007
Yeah, I'm totally ready.
37
00:02:57,109 --> 00:02:58,940
You're ready
to be a dad?
38
00:02:59,011 --> 00:03:02,572
A dad? What?
I thought we were talking about anal.
39
00:03:02,648 --> 00:03:05,617
Is the three year
not the anal anniversary?
40
00:03:05,684 --> 00:03:08,676
No. It is. Okay.
41
00:03:08,787 --> 00:03:12,689
Okay, if you really want to,
I'm willing to give it a try.
42
00:03:12,758 --> 00:03:14,749
Seriously?
43
00:03:14,826 --> 00:03:17,351
Yes.
We need to stop by the sex shop on the way home.
44
00:03:17,429 --> 00:03:20,956
I need to get a strap-on.
Do you prefer regular or ribbed?
45
00:03:21,033 --> 00:03:23,695
You are good.
You had me there.
46
00:03:23,769 --> 00:03:25,361
Seriously, I'II
give it a try.
47
00:03:25,437 --> 00:03:27,428
I just don't know
if it will fit.
48
00:03:27,506 --> 00:03:32,637
Of course it won't fit.
That's the fun. Pain.
49
00:03:32,711 --> 00:03:36,613
We could do that,
or we could just have a baby.
50
00:03:36,682 --> 00:03:39,947
Ah, you did remember.
51
00:03:40,018 --> 00:03:41,383
I did.
52
00:03:41,453 --> 00:03:43,216
You really wanna
have a baby?
53
00:03:43,288 --> 00:03:44,778
Yeah, I really do.
54
00:03:44,856 --> 00:03:46,118
We're gonna have
a family.
55
00:03:46,191 --> 00:03:47,681
We are gonna have
a family.
56
00:03:47,793 --> 00:03:49,454
You can teach him
how to play baseball.
57
00:03:49,528 --> 00:03:50,790
And how to pick up chicks.
58
00:03:50,862 --> 00:03:52,056
What if it's a girl?
59
00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:53,563
I Iove girl on girl.
60
00:03:53,632 --> 00:03:56,499
Get it out.
Just get it all out.
61
00:03:56,568 --> 00:04:00,163
Um, so Audrey,
when do you wanna get started?
62
00:04:15,988 --> 00:04:17,580
Hey, how's my form?
63
00:04:36,842 --> 00:04:38,833
What?
What's wrong?
64
00:04:38,910 --> 00:04:40,707
What?
65
00:04:40,779 --> 00:04:42,872
Nothing.
Nothing.
66
00:04:42,948 --> 00:04:45,712
Are you bored?
67
00:04:45,784 --> 00:04:49,117
Are you tired of having sex with me?
Are you disgusted?
68
00:04:49,187 --> 00:04:52,179
Can you get
out of me, please?
69
00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:53,747
Ouch.
70
00:04:53,859 --> 00:04:56,225
Why isn't this
working, Tommy?
71
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:58,957
Something's wrong.
72
00:04:59,031 --> 00:05:01,693
Maybe it's 'cause you don't really wanna have a baby.
73
00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:04,065
How can you say that?
74
00:05:04,136 --> 00:05:07,230
I've been working my ass off for nine
months trying to get you pregnant.
75
00:05:07,306 --> 00:05:11,037
So it's a job? I'm sorry, how much,
how much do I owe you?
76
00:05:11,109 --> 00:05:13,043
Is it 40,
50 bucks?
77
00:05:13,111 --> 00:05:16,808
Wow. 50 bucks?
That's it?
78
00:05:16,882 --> 00:05:19,874
You know,
you could possibly get a back alley H-J for that,
79
00:05:19,951 --> 00:05:21,976
but not this, sister.
80
00:05:22,054 --> 00:05:23,715
I'm sorry
I Iow balled you.
81
00:05:23,789 --> 00:05:25,882
Well, you did.
That was a serious Iow ball.
82
00:05:25,957 --> 00:05:27,982
I'm not a crack whore.
83
00:05:28,060 --> 00:05:30,654
You're the one who said having
sex with me was Iike a job.
84
00:05:30,729 --> 00:05:32,253
I never said that.
You said that.
85
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:33,764
You weren't
thinking it?
86
00:05:33,832 --> 00:05:35,322
No.
87
00:05:35,434 --> 00:05:37,265
It felt Iike it.
88
00:05:37,336 --> 00:05:40,169
It's not what I was thinking,
because I'II tell you,
89
00:05:40,238 --> 00:05:43,901
sex with you is-- it's beautiful,
you know.
90
00:05:43,975 --> 00:05:45,840
And it's wonderful.
91
00:05:45,944 --> 00:05:47,935
And it's amazing.
92
00:05:48,013 --> 00:05:52,177
Sex with you is Iike--
it's Iike, it's Iike--
93
00:05:52,284 --> 00:05:54,684
It's like
a full time job.
94
00:05:54,786 --> 00:05:56,845
Maybe you
oughta get tested.
95
00:05:59,091 --> 00:06:02,527
T ested? No.
I'm good.
96
00:06:02,594 --> 00:06:04,858
Oh, you're good?
How do you know you're good?
97
00:06:04,930 --> 00:06:08,593
Excuse me, Wade. I'm shooting good stuff.
I know this for a fact.
98
00:06:11,503 --> 00:06:14,700
AII right.
I never told anyone this,
99
00:06:14,773 --> 00:06:18,038
and I swear to God I'II kill everyone if you say anything,
100
00:06:18,110 --> 00:06:22,376
but when I decided to ask Audrey to marry me,
I couldn't afford a decent ring, right?
101
00:06:22,481 --> 00:06:24,972
So I told her that I joined a softball team.
102
00:06:25,050 --> 00:06:26,984
You suck
at softball.
103
00:06:27,052 --> 00:06:29,816
I hate softball.
I told her I joined the softball team.
104
00:06:29,888 --> 00:06:33,984
What I did instead,
I drove back to Pasadena to a sperm bank. Right?
105
00:06:34,059 --> 00:06:37,790
I donated sperm.
Every week for 20 weeks.
106
00:06:37,863 --> 00:06:39,888
Eighty-five bucks
a pop they paid me.
107
00:06:39,965 --> 00:06:42,456
At the sperm bank,
they don't take bad sperm.
108
00:06:42,534 --> 00:06:44,729
They test the shit
out of it.
109
00:06:44,803 --> 00:06:46,998
Hey, dude,
85 bucks a pop?
110
00:06:47,072 --> 00:06:49,040
If someone were
to rob that place
111
00:06:49,141 --> 00:06:51,974
and sell the sperm on the street,
they can make a fortune.
112
00:06:52,043 --> 00:06:54,671
Jesus, Zig Zag.
Have you been downtown Iately?
113
00:06:54,746 --> 00:06:58,011
There's enough sperm on the
street to choke Doogie Howser.
114
00:06:58,083 --> 00:07:00,142
Hey, bring out
the pictures, man.
115
00:07:00,218 --> 00:07:02,482
You brought the pictures
of the ex, right?
116
00:07:02,554 --> 00:07:05,751
The pictures of Tanya?
Bring 'em out. I've seen that shit.
117
00:07:05,824 --> 00:07:07,587
She's my girlfriend now.
118
00:07:07,692 --> 00:07:09,853
She's aware you're showing these pictures?
119
00:07:09,928 --> 00:07:11,657
Yeah, probably.
120
00:07:11,730 --> 00:07:14,358
Holy shit, dude.
Look at those nipples.
121
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:18,426
No offense,
but I can tell how T ommy might be able to pull this girl.
122
00:07:18,503 --> 00:07:20,027
But with Wade?
123
00:07:20,105 --> 00:07:21,868
Did you say
"no offense"?
124
00:07:21,940 --> 00:07:23,999
Is she
a chubby chaser?
125
00:07:24,075 --> 00:07:26,009
That's more offense.
You keep offending.
126
00:07:26,077 --> 00:07:28,341
I'm sorry,
but okay, offense.
127
00:07:28,413 --> 00:07:30,847
Just tell us how
you got this chick.
128
00:07:30,916 --> 00:07:34,511
You see, T ommy and I are cut from the same cloth,
my friend.
129
00:07:34,586 --> 00:07:38,181
Good cock,
bad cock. Come on.
130
00:07:42,060 --> 00:07:44,688
Honey, is he even
ejaculating properly?
131
00:07:44,763 --> 00:07:48,392
Because I read on the Internet that guys are faking it.
It's Iike a trend.
132
00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:49,900
Mine does
not fake it.
133
00:07:49,968 --> 00:07:51,560
Nobody Iikes
a gloater.
134
00:07:51,636 --> 00:07:54,036
How do guys
fake it?
135
00:07:54,105 --> 00:07:57,131
They keep a bike bottle in the bed
and then they squirt it over your back.
136
00:07:57,242 --> 00:07:59,073
I saw it
on YouTube.
137
00:07:59,144 --> 00:08:01,544
Tommy is not faking it,
but something's wrong.
138
00:08:01,613 --> 00:08:03,137
I'm kinda worried.
139
00:08:03,215 --> 00:08:05,240
Are you using your
fertility calendar?
140
00:08:05,317 --> 00:08:06,875
Yeah, I have
an app for that.
141
00:08:06,952 --> 00:08:08,817
I Iove apps.
142
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:10,979
You know, 90% of the time,
it's the guy's fault.
143
00:08:11,089 --> 00:08:14,149
It's definitely T ommy.
You need to get that junk checked.
144
00:08:14,226 --> 00:08:16,888
Hey, listen, guys,
can we keep this between us?
145
00:08:16,962 --> 00:08:19,829
T ommy's a Iittle sensitive about all this stuff.
146
00:08:19,898 --> 00:08:21,229
I won't say anything.
147
00:08:21,299 --> 00:08:22,493
Who am I
gonna tell?
148
00:08:24,402 --> 00:08:26,336
Hey, Coach Stubbs.
How're you doing?
149
00:08:26,404 --> 00:08:28,235
Tommy Macklin.
How the hell are you?
150
00:08:28,306 --> 00:08:29,671
Not too bad.
151
00:08:29,774 --> 00:08:31,435
How's that pretty
wife of yours?
152
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:33,341
Good, good.
How's the team this year?
153
00:08:33,445 --> 00:08:36,846
Honestly?
We suck about nine different kinds of ass.
154
00:08:36,915 --> 00:08:38,610
We're pulling
for you either way.
155
00:08:38,683 --> 00:08:41,015
Thanks. We're pulling
for you, too.
156
00:08:43,622 --> 00:08:45,681
For who? For me?
157
00:08:45,790 --> 00:08:49,351
Well, I understand you have a
Iittle trouble knocking up the Mrs.
158
00:08:49,427 --> 00:08:51,793
You know what works really well?
Hot peppers.
159
00:08:51,863 --> 00:08:53,956
Eat as many
of 'em as you can.
160
00:08:54,032 --> 00:08:57,195
Just make sure you don't go
munching on her biscuit right away.
161
00:08:57,302 --> 00:08:58,963
You'II kill
the poor woman.
162
00:09:00,772 --> 00:09:02,706
You gotta keep
the sperm cool, yah?
163
00:09:02,774 --> 00:09:05,208
You can't Iet the balls
get overheated.
164
00:09:05,277 --> 00:09:07,370
That's why they hang
on the outside.
165
00:09:07,445 --> 00:09:09,538
Like an air cooled
Volkswagen engine.
166
00:09:09,648 --> 00:09:12,276
Shiitake mushroom,
ginger root, cucumber.
167
00:09:12,350 --> 00:09:15,615
You mash it all up.
You allow it to boil for three long hours,
168
00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:17,985
and you gently Iower your
ball sack down in there,
169
00:09:18,056 --> 00:09:19,717
and Iet them steep
for ten minutes.
170
00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:21,725
BIue Mountain, Jamaican
remedy that.
171
00:09:21,826 --> 00:09:24,727
What the hell are you
doing to me, Audrey?
172
00:09:24,796 --> 00:09:26,730
Did you go and tell
the whole world?
173
00:09:26,798 --> 00:09:29,562
No, I told three people.
I told Mona, Greta, and Karen.
174
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:32,125
You didn't tell three people.
You told three women.
175
00:09:32,203 --> 00:09:35,400
What's that supposed to mean?
Where's the ginger root?
176
00:09:35,507 --> 00:09:38,169
Why do you think there are no female serial killers?
177
00:09:38,243 --> 00:09:43,078
Because after they kill the first guy,
they gotta go tell somebody.
178
00:09:43,148 --> 00:09:45,013
That's actually
a good point.
179
00:09:51,156 --> 00:09:52,589
Hello?
180
00:09:52,657 --> 00:09:54,420
Oh, hi there.
181
00:09:54,526 --> 00:09:56,858
Uh, yeah.
182
00:09:56,928 --> 00:09:59,920
Mm, well, I hadn't
heard that.
183
00:10:00,031 --> 00:10:02,158
No. No, thank you.
184
00:10:02,233 --> 00:10:04,201
Yeah.
185
00:10:04,269 --> 00:10:07,261
I Iove you, too. Okay.
186
00:10:07,339 --> 00:10:08,431
Who was that?
187
00:10:08,540 --> 00:10:10,770
That was your mom.
188
00:10:10,875 --> 00:10:13,935
She said I should try putting Ben Gay
on my scrotum to heat up the sperm.
189
00:10:14,012 --> 00:10:16,105
She just-- Do you think that would work?
190
00:10:16,214 --> 00:10:17,875
No.
191
00:10:17,949 --> 00:10:20,611
Why does everybody
have advice for me?
192
00:10:20,685 --> 00:10:23,119
Maybe, maybe
it's you.
193
00:10:23,188 --> 00:10:27,284
Where are all the calls of everybody
telling you to pour hot sauce
194
00:10:27,392 --> 00:10:30,020
on your... vagina?
195
00:10:30,095 --> 00:10:33,963
Okay. I made us appointments with Dr.
Vickerey to get us both checked out.
196
00:10:34,032 --> 00:10:36,899
He 's supposed to be the best,
so you gotta get your sperm checked.
197
00:10:36,968 --> 00:10:39,232
Honey, there's nothing
wrong with my sperm.
198
00:10:39,304 --> 00:10:41,033
Really?
How do you know that?
199
00:10:41,106 --> 00:10:42,903
'Cause there's
a party down there!
200
00:10:42,974 --> 00:10:45,374
Do you hear that?
201
00:10:45,443 --> 00:10:48,139
Seriously, this thing
smells Iike shit.
202
00:10:48,246 --> 00:10:50,043
Can you
Iower 'em in?
203
00:10:52,317 --> 00:10:54,308
I think you just do one at a time.
204
00:10:54,386 --> 00:10:55,819
How am I gonna do
one at a time?
205
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,478
I don't have them.
I don't know.
206
00:10:59,991 --> 00:11:02,391
I'm telling you,
it is a waste of time.
207
00:11:02,460 --> 00:11:04,155
Just do it.
Prove her wrong.
208
00:11:04,229 --> 00:11:06,094
Show her you got
awesome sperms.
209
00:11:06,164 --> 00:11:08,598
Dude, Audrey's making you check your sperm?
210
00:11:08,667 --> 00:11:10,430
T ell her I said
to Iighten up.
211
00:11:12,303 --> 00:11:14,567
No, I just have
trouble in groups.
212
00:11:14,639 --> 00:11:17,005
It's hard to keep it going when there's
a bunch of other people around.
213
00:11:17,108 --> 00:11:18,735
You've never been
to an orgy?
214
00:11:18,810 --> 00:11:21,074
No. Have you?
215
00:11:21,146 --> 00:11:25,742
Nah. But I had sex with two different
chicks in the same week. Bifecta!
216
00:11:25,817 --> 00:11:27,910
I went to an orgy once.
217
00:11:27,986 --> 00:11:31,285
Not with Audrey.
218
00:11:31,356 --> 00:11:35,918
There's just gonna be a bunch of other
guys jerking off in all the other rooms.
219
00:11:35,994 --> 00:11:37,757
I don't feel Iike it.
220
00:11:37,829 --> 00:11:39,694
But didn't you do that for a Iiving?
221
00:11:39,764 --> 00:11:41,925
No, not for a Iiving.
222
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,831
But you got
paid to do it.
223
00:11:43,935 --> 00:11:46,130
Okay, fine,
but I knew the guy who owned the place,
224
00:11:46,204 --> 00:11:48,263
and he Iet me come in after hours when it was empty.
225
00:11:48,339 --> 00:11:50,534
Dude, get this.
My brother's a lawyer.
226
00:11:50,608 --> 00:11:53,475
He represented this pervert that
works at one of those clinics.
227
00:11:53,545 --> 00:11:56,207
Sick bastard hid cameras in the smoke detectors.
228
00:11:56,281 --> 00:11:58,977
Cops raided his house.
Found stacks of DVD's
229
00:11:59,050 --> 00:12:01,883
of guys choking
their cobras.
230
00:12:01,986 --> 00:12:04,887
What?
231
00:12:04,956 --> 00:12:06,947
Wade, Iet's go.
232
00:12:07,025 --> 00:12:08,617
Cool. Let's get
a hot dog.
233
00:12:08,693 --> 00:12:12,322
I'II catch you guys
in a few. I'II follow.
234
00:12:12,397 --> 00:12:14,456
Why do we hang out
with that douche bag?
235
00:12:14,532 --> 00:12:16,898
Doesn't it bother you that he
used to go out with Audrey?
236
00:12:16,968 --> 00:12:19,835
I used to go out with Tanya
and you still hang out with me.
237
00:12:19,904 --> 00:12:22,702
Yeah, but at Ieast you don't Iook Iike a blond squirrel.
238
00:12:22,807 --> 00:12:24,240
I do not.
239
00:12:26,311 --> 00:12:28,575
You know what?
240
00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:31,478
Don't worry about this jerking off thing.
You're gonna be fine.
241
00:12:31,549 --> 00:12:33,540
I have a Iittle
inspiration for you.
242
00:12:35,687 --> 00:12:38,520
For old time's sake.
243
00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:41,923
Oh, no, no.
I can't.
244
00:12:42,026 --> 00:12:43,994
Yes, you can.
245
00:12:44,062 --> 00:12:45,859
That's not right.
246
00:12:45,930 --> 00:12:48,922
But those nipples
are world fucking class.
247
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,367
They are.
They're Iike Iittle tits on top of big tits.
248
00:12:52,437 --> 00:12:54,530
No, take them.
I can't.
249
00:12:54,606 --> 00:12:58,098
Okay. Sure? You're too good.
You're too good.
250
00:12:58,209 --> 00:13:01,701
And by that I mean you're an unbelievable pussy.
251
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:03,941
Maybe so.
Maybe so.
252
00:13:06,451 --> 00:13:08,351
Well.
253
00:13:08,419 --> 00:13:12,116
Excuse me.
I go whack my ding-dong into a plastic dish
254
00:13:12,190 --> 00:13:14,522
with a bunch of dudes all around.
255
00:13:14,592 --> 00:13:16,617
Okay. Don't do it
while you're driving.
256
00:13:29,874 --> 00:13:32,138
Dr.
Vickerey is the best in the business.
257
00:13:32,243 --> 00:13:34,973
If he can't impregnate your wife,
no one can.
258
00:13:35,046 --> 00:13:36,570
You'II be
in room four today.
259
00:13:36,648 --> 00:13:38,445
Pedro!
260
00:13:38,550 --> 00:13:41,883
Sorry. I-I am sorry.
I was, uh,
261
00:13:41,953 --> 00:13:45,047
just making
a phone call.
262
00:13:45,123 --> 00:13:47,250
I'm sorry, Mr. Macklin.
263
00:13:47,325 --> 00:13:48,883
I wasn't
jerking off.
264
00:13:51,062 --> 00:13:54,395
As you can see,
we have several different forms of stimulation,
265
00:13:54,465 --> 00:13:56,262
both homo
and hetero.
266
00:13:56,334 --> 00:13:57,562
I'II take hetero.
267
00:13:59,838 --> 00:14:02,568
Well, you have
20 minutes.
268
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,608
Relax and take
your time.
269
00:14:04,676 --> 00:14:07,668
Hey, doctor,
where is the Iubrication?
270
00:14:07,779 --> 00:14:11,180
Oh, no, we can't run a risk of contamination.
You will just have to dry.
271
00:14:11,249 --> 00:14:13,274
And you can't use
saliva either.
272
00:14:13,351 --> 00:14:15,683
The human mouth
is quite filthy.
273
00:14:15,787 --> 00:14:17,311
Okay.
274
00:14:17,422 --> 00:14:19,515
I'II just be right
here if you need me.
275
00:14:19,591 --> 00:14:20,990
Okay.
276
00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:24,961
Right where?
Like right there?
277
00:14:25,029 --> 00:14:28,123
Oh, well,
I can go away for a few minutes if you prefer.
278
00:14:28,199 --> 00:14:30,429
No, it's, it's--
279
00:14:46,885 --> 00:14:49,479
Damn, it's hot.
280
00:14:49,554 --> 00:14:52,216
Yeah. Let's
take a break.
281
00:15:16,681 --> 00:15:20,242
Gal, as pretty as you are,
we 're still missing one thing.
282
00:15:20,351 --> 00:15:22,148
Oh, yeah?
What's that?
283
00:15:22,220 --> 00:15:24,848
You gotta meet
my friend, Big Jim.
284
00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:27,517
Ooh. I sure hope
he 's handsome.
285
00:15:32,063 --> 00:15:33,826
Nice to meet you, Jim.
286
00:15:33,898 --> 00:15:35,422
You are big.
287
00:15:46,744 --> 00:15:49,838
Mr.
Macklin, could you please turn that down a bit?
288
00:15:49,914 --> 00:15:52,940
It's a touch loud.
289
00:15:54,552 --> 00:15:56,952
I have to go home.
290
00:15:57,055 --> 00:16:01,788
Babe, all you had to do was jerk off into a cup.
291
00:16:01,893 --> 00:16:03,884
What's the big deal?
I mean, seriously.
292
00:16:03,962 --> 00:16:06,988
H ow many times have you masturbated in your Iife?
A hundred?
293
00:16:07,065 --> 00:16:08,896
Uh, sure.
About 100, yeah.
294
00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,958
I called and they said
you can do it at home.
295
00:16:11,069 --> 00:16:13,799
You have to get the sample there within 30 minutes.
296
00:16:13,871 --> 00:16:17,466
I've timed the drive and it's 18 minutes,
so don't waste time.
297
00:16:17,542 --> 00:16:19,772
I'm teaching
a class at 4:00,
298
00:16:19,877 --> 00:16:23,244
so you have the whole place to yourself
to do your Iittle jerky business.
299
00:16:23,314 --> 00:16:27,808
Sort of takes the fun out of it
when you tell me I have to do it.
300
00:16:27,885 --> 00:16:30,319
I prefer sneaking around
when you're not here
301
00:16:30,388 --> 00:16:32,015
and pretending
I don't do it.
302
00:16:32,090 --> 00:16:33,250
Yeah, okay.
303
00:16:49,273 --> 00:16:51,332
Hi. What's your name?
304
00:16:51,409 --> 00:16:53,001
Roberto.
305
00:16:53,111 --> 00:16:55,170
Could you help me
with my lotion?
306
00:16:55,279 --> 00:16:58,908
My boyfriend usually does it but we just broke up.
307
00:17:07,492 --> 00:17:08,959
Thanks.
308
00:17:09,027 --> 00:17:11,928
Si, senora.
No hay problema.
309
00:17:17,835 --> 00:17:21,327
Oh, could you do
the bottoms, too?
310
00:17:33,051 --> 00:17:34,780
Shit, shit.
311
00:17:36,521 --> 00:17:39,319
Hi, there.
How are you on this blessed day?
312
00:17:39,390 --> 00:17:41,221
Hi. Good.
313
00:17:41,292 --> 00:17:43,556
Great. If you have a moment,
we'd Iike to tell you
314
00:17:43,661 --> 00:17:45,959
about our personal
savior, Jesus Christ.
315
00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:50,626
You know, I don't know if right now
is the best time to talk about Jesus.
316
00:17:50,701 --> 00:17:54,137
It's not a good time
to talk about Jesus?
317
00:17:54,205 --> 00:17:58,164
God's only son died for his
sins but it's "not a good time."
318
00:17:58,242 --> 00:18:01,507
Well, I guess some people just think
they're more important than Jesus.
319
00:18:01,579 --> 00:18:04,070
I don't think I'm more
important than Jesus.
320
00:18:04,182 --> 00:18:06,650
But unless he can miracle a
baby up into my wife's vagina,
321
00:18:06,717 --> 00:18:08,412
then I gotta take a pass.
322
00:18:08,486 --> 00:18:11,250
Thank you though so much.
Okay, bye.
323
00:18:17,161 --> 00:18:18,753
AII right.
324
00:18:40,785 --> 00:18:43,845
Jesus Christ.
Come on.
325
00:18:46,390 --> 00:18:48,881
Tommy? You're home?
326
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,121
Hi.
327
00:18:51,195 --> 00:18:52,958
What's going on?
328
00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:55,624
Oh, you kinda caught me
doing something naughty.
329
00:18:55,733 --> 00:18:57,200
Really?
330
00:18:57,268 --> 00:18:59,133
My college roommate,
Jenny, is here.
331
00:18:59,203 --> 00:19:01,228
And we've been talking
about old times,
332
00:19:01,305 --> 00:19:03,967
and Iaughing about how we used to share everything.
333
00:19:04,075 --> 00:19:05,633
Say hi, Jenny.
334
00:19:05,743 --> 00:19:07,233
Hi.
335
00:19:07,311 --> 00:19:08,744
Hi.
336
00:19:08,813 --> 00:19:10,872
Anyway, since
we share everything,
337
00:19:10,948 --> 00:19:14,247
Jenny was wondering
if we could share you.
338
00:19:14,318 --> 00:19:16,582
Oh, okay.
339
00:19:16,654 --> 00:19:18,212
He said yes.
340
00:19:25,796 --> 00:19:27,559
Go ahead, Tommy.
341
00:19:27,632 --> 00:19:28,929
Really?
342
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:31,332
Thanks, Audrey.
343
00:19:36,007 --> 00:19:37,599
He Iikes it
from behind.
344
00:19:37,675 --> 00:19:39,666
Oh, cool.
345
00:19:44,482 --> 00:19:46,507
Thank you.
346
00:19:53,424 --> 00:19:55,085
Oh, Jesus!
347
00:19:55,159 --> 00:19:57,252
Do you have enough
time for me now, Tommy?
348
00:19:57,328 --> 00:19:58,920
Why?
349
00:20:21,385 --> 00:20:24,115
Dude.
350
00:20:33,631 --> 00:20:36,065
No, sir.
No way.
351
00:21:13,371 --> 00:21:17,273
Oh, come on,
come on, come on.
352
00:21:33,924 --> 00:21:35,050
Ah!
353
00:21:42,533 --> 00:21:45,058
Nice move, dickhead.
354
00:21:50,141 --> 00:21:51,369
Hey!
355
00:22:33,851 --> 00:22:37,753
What's up, Tommy?
356
00:22:37,822 --> 00:22:40,791
The pictures, the ones of Tanya,
I Ieft them on the bathroom sink.
357
00:22:40,858 --> 00:22:42,325
You gotta
go get 'em.
358
00:22:42,426 --> 00:22:44,189
Yeah, dog.
I knew you'd use 'em.
359
00:22:44,295 --> 00:22:46,024
I used pictures
of cantaloupes.
360
00:22:46,097 --> 00:22:47,291
Did you say
cantaloupes?
361
00:22:47,365 --> 00:22:49,629
I got some
flat tires.
362
00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:52,191
Some flat tires?
Are you high?
363
00:22:52,303 --> 00:22:54,635
You've gotta go to my house and get those pictures.
364
00:22:54,705 --> 00:22:55,967
Of the cantaloupes?
365
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,473
The pictures of Tanya!
366
00:22:57,541 --> 00:22:59,600
You said you
didn't use them.
367
00:22:59,677 --> 00:23:02,043
The back door's open.
The pictures are in the bathroom.
368
00:23:02,146 --> 00:23:03,943
Okay, I got
one more set to do.
369
00:23:04,014 --> 00:23:05,845
Do this now!
370
00:23:05,950 --> 00:23:07,611
AII right. Chill out.
I'm on the move.
371
00:23:07,685 --> 00:23:08,777
You chill out.
372
00:23:08,853 --> 00:23:09,979
You chill out.
373
00:23:10,054 --> 00:23:11,487
You fuck
chill out!
374
00:23:17,027 --> 00:23:19,154
Audrey.
Audrey!
375
00:23:20,164 --> 00:23:21,893
Hey.
376
00:23:21,999 --> 00:23:24,627
My God,
are you taking gorgeous pills or what?
377
00:23:24,702 --> 00:23:26,670
Thanks, Todd.
378
00:23:26,737 --> 00:23:28,830
Hi.
379
00:23:28,906 --> 00:23:31,340
Oh, my gosh,
she's so cute.
380
00:23:31,409 --> 00:23:33,809
She could've been yours if you'd said yes to me.
381
00:23:33,878 --> 00:23:35,402
Just kidding.
382
00:23:35,513 --> 00:23:37,811
We're actually trying
for one of our own.
383
00:23:37,882 --> 00:23:39,907
Right. Yeah.
I heard about that.
384
00:23:40,017 --> 00:23:41,678
Tom's having
some trouble, huh?
385
00:23:41,752 --> 00:23:44,186
Oh... no, no.
386
00:23:44,255 --> 00:23:47,315
Audrey, it's okay.
It's me.
387
00:23:48,993 --> 00:23:51,427
Okay, well, yeah.
But it's gonna be fine
388
00:23:51,529 --> 00:23:53,520
'cause we're seeing this
really great doctor,
389
00:23:53,597 --> 00:23:55,258
and it's all gonna be
taken care of.
390
00:23:55,366 --> 00:23:57,334
Oh, I'm sure.
I'm sure.
391
00:23:57,401 --> 00:24:00,199
Look, you never know how these
things are gonna work out.
392
00:24:02,106 --> 00:24:05,098
Hey, slow down, asshole!
I got kids!
393
00:24:06,544 --> 00:24:08,034
Well, I'd better
get her back.
394
00:24:08,112 --> 00:24:10,103
I'II see you at Tommy's birthday.
395
00:24:10,181 --> 00:24:11,773
Good to see you.
396
00:24:11,882 --> 00:24:13,782
I miss you.
397
00:24:15,219 --> 00:24:16,914
Okay. Bye.
398
00:24:18,689 --> 00:24:19,883
Huh.
399
00:24:45,649 --> 00:24:47,981
Fucking wild
goose chase, Tommy.
400
00:24:50,254 --> 00:24:52,654
Hello.
401
00:24:54,124 --> 00:24:56,217
Goddammit.
402
00:25:00,464 --> 00:25:01,897
Tommy?
403
00:25:01,966 --> 00:25:05,265
Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
404
00:25:05,336 --> 00:25:07,167
Okay, okay,
okay, okay.
405
00:25:40,704 --> 00:25:42,638
Wade, did you get
the pictures?
406
00:25:42,706 --> 00:25:43,866
I couldn't find them.
407
00:25:43,941 --> 00:25:45,374
Where's my wife?
408
00:25:45,442 --> 00:25:47,034
In the shower.
409
00:25:47,111 --> 00:25:48,373
What's with
the pants?
410
00:25:48,479 --> 00:25:51,448
I saw
those cantaloupes.
411
00:25:51,515 --> 00:25:54,450
Hey! Help!
412
00:26:00,124 --> 00:26:01,989
Hey. How
did it go?
413
00:26:02,059 --> 00:26:04,789
Uh, great.
I had a few flat tires, but--
414
00:26:04,862 --> 00:26:05,988
A few flat tires?
415
00:26:06,063 --> 00:26:07,394
Yeah.
416
00:26:07,498 --> 00:26:08,897
Did you get it there
on time?
417
00:26:08,999 --> 00:26:10,796
Of course I got it
there on time.
418
00:26:10,868 --> 00:26:12,665
Thank you for doing
that for me.
419
00:26:12,736 --> 00:26:16,001
I'm happy to.
I'm just glad that tomorrow
420
00:26:16,073 --> 00:26:18,337
we have proof that my guys are good to go.
421
00:26:18,409 --> 00:26:20,343
Me, too.
422
00:26:20,411 --> 00:26:23,175
Can I put my penis in your vagina right now?
423
00:26:23,247 --> 00:26:24,407
Yes.
424
00:26:25,749 --> 00:26:27,080
I'm feeling
really potent.
425
00:26:27,184 --> 00:26:29,414
- Oh, are you?
- Yes, I am.
426
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:32,751
I'm afraid your sperm count is too Iow to conceive.
427
00:26:34,024 --> 00:26:36,356
But that is
impossible.
428
00:26:36,427 --> 00:26:38,987
I know some men find it difficult to hear that but--
429
00:26:39,063 --> 00:26:41,691
Hold on.
How can we tell that it's not--
430
00:26:41,765 --> 00:26:43,756
I've already
examined Audrey.
431
00:26:43,867 --> 00:26:47,598
Her tubes are clear.
Her hormone Ievels are perfect.
432
00:26:47,671 --> 00:26:49,935
And she has,
in my opinion,
433
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,703
two of the pinkest, plumpest,
and most beautiful ovaries I have ever seen.
434
00:26:53,777 --> 00:26:55,540
Thank you.
435
00:26:57,681 --> 00:26:59,774
Are you hitting
on my wife?
436
00:26:59,883 --> 00:27:02,545
Is that what he was doing?
It seemed like it was.
437
00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:04,281
Sorry about him.
438
00:27:04,355 --> 00:27:07,290
Okay, so what exactly
is wrong with my sperm?
439
00:27:09,893 --> 00:27:12,191
This is a slide
of a normal sample.
440
00:27:12,262 --> 00:27:15,129
And this
is your sample.
441
00:27:15,232 --> 00:27:16,563
They look drunk.
442
00:27:16,634 --> 00:27:18,397
They do, don't they?
443
00:27:18,469 --> 00:27:20,801
Where are
they going?
444
00:27:20,871 --> 00:27:23,465
O-okay, so just
for argument's sake,
445
00:27:23,574 --> 00:27:26,372
Iet's just say you're right.
How did they get that way?
446
00:27:26,443 --> 00:27:28,536
One possible cause
is testicular trauma.
447
00:27:28,612 --> 00:27:30,978
Have you ever experienced anything Iike that?
448
00:27:38,989 --> 00:27:42,652
No, no.
Not that I can recall.
449
00:27:42,726 --> 00:27:46,753
Oh, well then,
I'm going to order you a scrotal exploration.
450
00:27:46,830 --> 00:27:49,663
A scrotal what now?
What is that? What?
451
00:27:49,767 --> 00:27:53,168
Sometimes a tear will form
in the tunica albuginea
452
00:27:53,237 --> 00:27:56,673
resulting in extrusion
of the testicular contents.
453
00:27:56,740 --> 00:28:01,439
We simply insert a small camera into the penis,
through the urethra--
454
00:28:01,512 --> 00:28:05,073
This sounds amazing. How about this,
and I'm just spitballing here,
455
00:28:05,149 --> 00:28:07,515
why don't we take my ball sack and scrape it up
456
00:28:07,618 --> 00:28:10,610
against a cheese grater?
Or maybe go out to your car
457
00:28:10,688 --> 00:28:12,622
and slam my dick
in the trunk.
458
00:28:12,690 --> 00:28:15,022
Do you feel Iike that might help?
Or--
459
00:28:15,125 --> 00:28:17,286
I'm sorry.
460
00:28:17,361 --> 00:28:21,024
I can assure you, Mr.
Macklin, this is a mostly painless procedure.
461
00:28:21,131 --> 00:28:23,964
Yeah, I'm kinda getting caught up on the word "mostly."
462
00:28:24,034 --> 00:28:26,696
It's just-- It's a lot to take in.
463
00:28:28,005 --> 00:28:29,870
Okay, okay.
So, Iet's say
464
00:28:29,973 --> 00:28:32,203
nothing comes in this scrotal exploration.
465
00:28:32,309 --> 00:28:34,777
Then my suggestion would be that you find a donor.
466
00:28:36,714 --> 00:28:39,205
But we 're not
there, yet, so.
467
00:28:39,316 --> 00:28:41,477
I think you're right.
We're not there, yet.
468
00:28:41,552 --> 00:28:43,645
We're not even close
to being there, yet.
469
00:28:43,721 --> 00:28:46,315
I think you've freaked out my wife, sir.
470
00:28:46,390 --> 00:28:48,950
And we're gonna be-- we're gonna be Ieaving now.
471
00:28:49,026 --> 00:28:50,823
Are you okay, honey?
472
00:28:50,894 --> 00:28:52,953
Too far. Okay.
473
00:28:53,030 --> 00:28:55,464
Oh, sorry.
474
00:29:01,171 --> 00:29:04,732
What's up with Audrey and Tommy?
Why aren't they talking to each other?
475
00:29:04,808 --> 00:29:08,574
It's this whole baby thing.
I think it's time one of us stepped up.
476
00:29:08,679 --> 00:29:11,739
I think one of us should offer our sperm to our buddy.
477
00:29:11,815 --> 00:29:13,806
That's the right
thing to do.
478
00:29:13,884 --> 00:29:17,684
AII right. As his best friend,
I will toss it in there.
479
00:29:17,755 --> 00:29:20,986
No, seriously,
no offense.
480
00:29:21,058 --> 00:29:23,856
Hey, hey, this isn't
genetic, okay?
481
00:29:23,927 --> 00:29:27,090
It's called Iaziness.
My sperm is thin, fit.
482
00:29:27,197 --> 00:29:30,098
Whatever.
We all know whose sperm he's gonna choose.
483
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,031
What?
484
00:29:32,102 --> 00:29:34,764
What, 'cause
I'm black?
485
00:29:34,872 --> 00:29:38,501
Ah, 'cause we wouldn't want Tommy
to have a biracial baby, right?
486
00:29:38,575 --> 00:29:41,840
The kid might grow up to be the president.
Or Halle Berry.
487
00:29:41,912 --> 00:29:44,380
Okay, fine.
We settle it this way, okay?
488
00:29:44,448 --> 00:29:46,712
We all jack off
into a cup, right?
489
00:29:46,784 --> 00:29:49,776
And we swirl it around,
and then may the best man win.
490
00:29:49,887 --> 00:29:52,879
May the best
man win what?
491
00:29:52,956 --> 00:29:56,619
Uh, just--
The World Series?
492
00:29:58,395 --> 00:30:00,795
Happy birthday, man.
493
00:30:00,864 --> 00:30:02,923
Awesome party, T om.
494
00:30:03,033 --> 00:30:05,297
What if I get drunk and take all my clothes off?
495
00:30:05,402 --> 00:30:08,132
It might be
so-mething nice.
496
00:30:08,205 --> 00:30:11,197
That is good, right?
AII right.
497
00:30:12,309 --> 00:30:13,901
Bye.
498
00:30:13,977 --> 00:30:15,808
Bye.
499
00:30:15,879 --> 00:30:19,144
Hey, can I get you a drink?
You have a drink.
500
00:30:19,216 --> 00:30:20,877
Do you need
anything? Food or?
501
00:30:20,951 --> 00:30:23,317
Hey, guys.
Happy birthday, Tommy.
502
00:30:23,387 --> 00:30:24,547
Hey, Julie.
503
00:30:24,621 --> 00:30:25,815
Happy birthday, dude.
504
00:30:25,889 --> 00:30:28,153
Thanks.
505
00:30:28,258 --> 00:30:32,718
Todd and I have been talking and
we heard about your problem.
506
00:30:32,796 --> 00:30:37,495
And we would Iike
to offer our services.
507
00:30:37,601 --> 00:30:39,262
For what?
508
00:30:39,336 --> 00:30:44,171
What we'd Iike to do
is offer you our sperm.
509
00:30:44,274 --> 00:30:47,004
What?
510
00:30:47,110 --> 00:30:51,012
Tommy, we 've been blessed with
three smart, beautiful, healthy children.
511
00:30:51,114 --> 00:30:54,277
Honestly, when T odd first brought it up,
I was unsure, too.
512
00:30:54,351 --> 00:30:58,617
When Audrey said no to Todd's
proposal all those years ago,
513
00:30:58,689 --> 00:31:00,122
Seems Iike yesterday.
514
00:31:00,190 --> 00:31:02,181
she gave me
a gift.
515
00:31:02,292 --> 00:31:04,760
And this is my chance
to repay her.
516
00:31:04,828 --> 00:31:07,456
So, what do you say?
517
00:31:10,367 --> 00:31:13,097
What do I say?
518
00:31:14,538 --> 00:31:15,937
Um--
519
00:31:16,006 --> 00:31:18,201
Honey, Iet me.
520
00:31:22,012 --> 00:31:24,981
Dude, I am sorry.
Huge misunderstanding.
521
00:31:25,048 --> 00:31:26,447
We did not mean
to offend.
522
00:31:26,516 --> 00:31:28,177
We were just
trying to be nice.
523
00:31:28,285 --> 00:31:30,719
I just thought if you're gonna have a donor,
524
00:31:30,821 --> 00:31:33,119
might as well be someone you know.
That's all.
525
00:31:33,190 --> 00:31:36,717
Right? That's it!
There's no reason to be rude.
526
00:31:36,793 --> 00:31:39,660
I'm not asking to stick it in Audrey directly.
527
00:31:39,730 --> 00:31:42,790
I mean, unless you're into that.
Some guys are.
528
00:31:42,866 --> 00:31:46,393
I don't know.
I bet Julie would be fine with it if you are.
529
00:31:46,503 --> 00:31:49,233
Or not. Whatever.
Just Iet me know.
530
00:31:49,306 --> 00:31:51,740
People Ioving
people, right, man?
531
00:31:53,010 --> 00:31:54,409
Hi.
532
00:31:54,511 --> 00:31:56,069
Hi, there.
533
00:31:56,179 --> 00:31:59,012
I'm ready for
that drink now.
534
00:31:59,082 --> 00:32:01,016
Okay.
535
00:32:01,084 --> 00:32:04,178
You'd be there to monitor
the whole thing.
536
00:32:07,257 --> 00:32:10,590
You know, honey,
I clipped an article in recipes and things
537
00:32:10,694 --> 00:32:15,597
about how overpopulation is contributing
to a general decline in male sperm count.
538
00:32:15,699 --> 00:32:17,997
Thanks, Mom.
539
00:32:18,068 --> 00:32:21,936
You know what l was thinking, sweetie?
Tommy's an only child.
540
00:32:22,005 --> 00:32:24,599
Yeah, that might be
the problem right there.
541
00:32:24,708 --> 00:32:27,370
His whole family
might have bad sperm.
542
00:32:27,444 --> 00:32:28,775
But he 's lucky
he made it.
543
00:32:30,714 --> 00:32:32,682
Hi!
544
00:32:32,749 --> 00:32:34,011
How are you?
545
00:32:34,084 --> 00:32:35,210
Good.
546
00:32:35,285 --> 00:32:36,946
Thanks for getting it.
547
00:32:38,522 --> 00:32:41,116
Oh, yeah, pork
fried rice there.
548
00:32:41,191 --> 00:32:44,957
Wait a second. I was--Oh, okay,
I know what I was gonna say.
549
00:32:45,062 --> 00:32:48,190
Okay, you know
our Iittle problem,
550
00:32:48,265 --> 00:32:50,790
our very personal
and private problem?
551
00:32:50,867 --> 00:32:53,461
Well, it has nothing
to do with me.
552
00:32:53,537 --> 00:32:56,301
I don't need to put hemorrhoid
cream on my ball sack, Wanda.
553
00:32:56,406 --> 00:32:58,567
I don't need
to eat hot peppers.
554
00:32:58,642 --> 00:33:01,372
And I don't need to have a camera
shoved up my wiener hole, darling.
555
00:33:01,445 --> 00:33:04,471
My sperm is
perfectly fine.
556
00:33:04,581 --> 00:33:08,415
Why? Because I say that it is.
End of discussion.
557
00:33:08,485 --> 00:33:09,884
Let's eat.
558
00:33:09,953 --> 00:33:11,318
Food.
559
00:33:11,421 --> 00:33:13,150
Who can deny
science Iike that?
560
00:33:13,256 --> 00:33:15,952
Okay, you want science?
I'II give you some science.
561
00:33:16,059 --> 00:33:20,894
You know that softball team I played on?
There was no softball team. Softball.
562
00:33:20,964 --> 00:33:24,661
I drove to a sperm bank,
and I donated sperm.
563
00:33:24,735 --> 00:33:26,600
I did.
Twenty times.
564
00:33:26,670 --> 00:33:29,230
And each time,
they paid me cold hard cash.
565
00:33:29,306 --> 00:33:33,606
They wouldn't very well pay me good
money for bad sperm, would they?
566
00:33:33,677 --> 00:33:35,941
See how that works?
567
00:33:36,013 --> 00:33:39,073
Now Iet's eat. God!
568
00:33:39,149 --> 00:33:40,275
You did what?
569
00:33:40,350 --> 00:33:41,749
What?
570
00:33:41,818 --> 00:33:43,615
Tommy, what did
you just say?
571
00:33:47,357 --> 00:33:49,348
I fell in Iove
with a gorgeous woman
572
00:33:49,459 --> 00:33:53,520
who deserved an amazingly expensive engagement ring
573
00:33:53,630 --> 00:33:58,533
that I couldn't afford.
And at 85 bucks a pop, honey, it just seemed like--
574
00:33:58,602 --> 00:34:01,696
T ommy, you
have children.
575
00:34:01,805 --> 00:34:03,966
Twenty children
out there.
576
00:34:04,041 --> 00:34:04,973
A t least.
577
00:34:05,042 --> 00:34:07,306
Thanks, Dad.
578
00:34:07,377 --> 00:34:10,608
You don't understand. I gave 20 samples.
That doesn't necessarily--
579
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:14,639
It doesn't
necessarily mean that--
580
00:34:14,718 --> 00:34:16,447
No, I am sure that
most of that sperm
581
00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:18,954
is sitting right there
in that bank right now.
582
00:34:19,022 --> 00:34:22,014
Tommy, you have children.
583
00:34:24,394 --> 00:34:26,487
Oh, Tommy.
584
00:34:29,132 --> 00:34:32,499
Come on, CIark,
you understand what I was trying to do, don't you?
585
00:34:32,569 --> 00:34:34,002
You get it, right?
586
00:34:34,071 --> 00:34:38,064
I understand
completely, Tommy.
587
00:34:38,141 --> 00:34:42,237
I understand that you bought
my daughter's engagement ring
588
00:34:42,345 --> 00:34:43,903
with beat-off money.
589
00:34:45,549 --> 00:34:48,416
Got her a cum diamond.
590
00:34:53,924 --> 00:34:56,688
Pasadena Andrology and
Cryobank. May I help you?
591
00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,593
Hey, how're you doing?
I'm here 'cause I need some sperm.
592
00:34:59,696 --> 00:35:02,859
Okay.
I could set you up with one of our sales reps and they--
593
00:35:02,933 --> 00:35:05,265
You know what?
That's not gonna be necessary.
594
00:35:05,335 --> 00:35:07,428
I actually just need
some of my own sperm.
595
00:35:07,504 --> 00:35:11,440
Your own sperm?
I think we can cut out the middle man here.
596
00:35:11,508 --> 00:35:15,342
No, no. I'm a donor.
I donated some sperm about five years ago,
597
00:35:15,412 --> 00:35:18,347
and I was hoping to get that back.
I hope there's some Ieft.
598
00:35:18,415 --> 00:35:19,780
What's your
name, buddy?
599
00:35:19,883 --> 00:35:21,942
Thomas Macklin.
600
00:35:24,354 --> 00:35:26,618
What do you know?
We have one batch Ieft.
601
00:35:28,425 --> 00:35:30,188
Yeah!
That is great.
602
00:35:30,260 --> 00:35:33,696
You know what?
You guys paid me $85 per batch,
603
00:35:33,763 --> 00:35:35,856
and I feel that it's only right for me to--
604
00:35:35,932 --> 00:35:37,900
Oops, I'm sorry.
605
00:35:37,968 --> 00:35:40,300
It Iooks Iike
we already sold it.
606
00:35:42,072 --> 00:35:43,300
My bad.
607
00:35:43,373 --> 00:35:44,465
To-to who?
608
00:35:44,574 --> 00:35:45,802
To whom?
609
00:35:45,909 --> 00:35:47,308
Seriously?
610
00:35:47,410 --> 00:35:48,877
I don't know
if that's right.
611
00:35:48,945 --> 00:35:50,310
You're right.
It's "to whom."
612
00:35:50,380 --> 00:35:52,473
It's whom?
Ah, okay.
613
00:35:52,549 --> 00:35:57,213
Anyway, we sold it to this couple three weeks ago.
614
00:35:57,287 --> 00:36:01,053
We're performing the insemination on dee-dee-dee-dee,
615
00:36:01,124 --> 00:36:03,149
Monday.
616
00:36:03,226 --> 00:36:06,218
Whatever it is they're paying you,
I'II give you double now.
617
00:36:06,296 --> 00:36:09,663
This isn't eBay, sir.
We don't get into bidding wars over sperm.
618
00:36:09,766 --> 00:36:11,825
Okay.
You know what?
619
00:36:11,935 --> 00:36:14,495
I don't wanna have to do this 'cause I'm not a dick,
620
00:36:14,571 --> 00:36:18,234
but it just so happens that I'm a good
personal friend of Kevin Baldrey, the manager.
621
00:36:18,308 --> 00:36:19,570
Ooh. You hear
that, Lyle?
622
00:36:19,643 --> 00:36:21,508
Is that right?
623
00:36:21,611 --> 00:36:23,841
He's a personal friend
of Kevin Baldrey.
624
00:36:23,947 --> 00:36:26,438
I'd Iike to speak
to him right now.
625
00:36:26,516 --> 00:36:29,417
You and Kev aren't so close,
otherwise you'd know he doesn't work here.
626
00:36:29,486 --> 00:36:32,853
He got fired for putting hidden
cameras in the masturbatories.
627
00:36:32,923 --> 00:36:35,187
What? He--
628
00:36:35,292 --> 00:36:38,523
He hid them in the smoke detectors
so he could videotape guys jerking off,
629
00:36:38,628 --> 00:36:40,459
and he put them
on the Internet.
630
00:36:40,530 --> 00:36:42,259
Are you saying
that, uh--
631
00:36:42,332 --> 00:36:44,926
There's only one
way to find out.
632
00:36:45,001 --> 00:36:48,869
Looks Iike that website's back up
now that Kevy fled to Amsterdam.
633
00:36:48,939 --> 00:36:50,429
Oh, really?
Check that out.
634
00:36:50,507 --> 00:36:52,634
Yep. There you are.
635
00:36:52,709 --> 00:36:54,768
Macklin.
636
00:36:54,844 --> 00:36:58,371
So much for the theory that Ieft
handers are more intelligent.
637
00:36:58,481 --> 00:37:00,278
Sir, back away
from the desk.
638
00:37:00,350 --> 00:37:02,045
Can I see?
639
00:37:02,152 --> 00:37:04,382
Do you always make that face when you climax?
640
00:37:04,487 --> 00:37:05,886
You Iook Iike
a baby burp.
641
00:37:05,989 --> 00:37:08,549
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
642
00:37:11,027 --> 00:37:14,224
Get him out of here.
Jeez.
643
00:37:17,234 --> 00:37:19,828
Say hi to Kev for me.
644
00:37:32,415 --> 00:37:36,078
How are you doing?
I'm Iooking for a Mrs. Leslie Jenkins.
645
00:37:36,152 --> 00:37:37,847
I'm Leslie Jenkins.
646
00:37:37,921 --> 00:37:39,513
I'm sorry.
I thought that--
647
00:37:39,589 --> 00:37:42,524
It's alright.
It's a Southern name.
648
00:37:42,592 --> 00:37:43,854
Do I know you?
649
00:37:43,927 --> 00:37:45,588
No, you don't.
650
00:37:45,662 --> 00:37:48,529
I'm Tommy Macklin.
I'm your sperm donor.
651
00:37:48,598 --> 00:37:52,193
Oh. Oh!
652
00:37:52,269 --> 00:37:54,760
Can I sit down with you and your wife for a minute?
653
00:37:54,838 --> 00:37:57,398
Honey, come here!
You're gonna Iove this!
654
00:38:02,112 --> 00:38:05,047
Jeffrey, this
is Tommy Macklin.
655
00:38:05,115 --> 00:38:06,343
How're you doing?
656
00:38:06,416 --> 00:38:10,546
Tommy Macklin?
Oh. Oh!
657
00:38:10,620 --> 00:38:12,520
Do you have
a Iight beer?
658
00:38:12,589 --> 00:38:15,114
Then we found out
my sperm was no good.
659
00:38:15,225 --> 00:38:17,693
It caused a Iot of stress in our relationship
660
00:38:17,761 --> 00:38:20,355
because obviously we wanna have a baby naturally.
661
00:38:20,430 --> 00:38:22,625
We don't know anything
about naturally.
662
00:38:22,699 --> 00:38:24,530
Not an option.
663
00:38:24,601 --> 00:38:27,365
Yeah. But I
don't understand.
664
00:38:27,437 --> 00:38:29,200
Between the two
of you guys,
665
00:38:29,272 --> 00:38:31,797
you've got twice as much sperm as most couples.
666
00:38:31,908 --> 00:38:35,969
Twice as much? More like ten times as
much with the human fire hose here.
667
00:38:36,046 --> 00:38:39,243
I've Iearned to take my contacts out,
if you know what I mean.
668
00:38:39,316 --> 00:38:42,376
It's Iike stepping on a full tube of toothpaste with you.
669
00:38:42,452 --> 00:38:46,821
That's wild.
So, why don't you just use some of Jeffrey's sperm?
670
00:38:46,890 --> 00:38:49,154
No, no, no. No.
671
00:38:49,259 --> 00:38:52,092
My family has more alcoholics than Celebrity Rehab.
672
00:38:52,162 --> 00:38:54,323
PIus he's OCD and ADD.
673
00:38:54,431 --> 00:38:57,832
Mildly. Anyway, we wouldn't pass my
DNA on to our worst enemy's baby,
674
00:38:57,934 --> 00:38:59,492
much Iess our own.
675
00:38:59,569 --> 00:39:02,504
Okay. So then what
about yours, Leslie?
676
00:39:02,605 --> 00:39:07,235
That was plan A. But as it turns out,
my sperm is--what's the word they used?
677
00:39:07,310 --> 00:39:09,073
Confused.
678
00:39:09,145 --> 00:39:10,737
My sperm is
confused, too.
679
00:39:10,814 --> 00:39:12,406
I cannot
believe that.
680
00:39:12,482 --> 00:39:14,450
We saw the pictures.
It was crazy.
681
00:39:14,517 --> 00:39:17,281
You know what?
I am confident we can work something out.
682
00:39:17,354 --> 00:39:20,118
I'm happy to reimburse you for any expenses,
683
00:39:20,190 --> 00:39:23,751
and for the cost of finding a new donor.
684
00:39:23,827 --> 00:39:26,853
Well, that's very sweet, Tommy,
but to be honest
685
00:39:26,963 --> 00:39:29,431
we're quite happy
with the donor we chose.
686
00:39:29,499 --> 00:39:34,095
See, Leslie has a hang up about having
a baby that Iooks Iike him. Shallow.
687
00:39:34,170 --> 00:39:35,933
Guilty as charged.
688
00:39:36,005 --> 00:39:37,870
When we found out
he couldn't produce,
689
00:39:37,974 --> 00:39:40,636
we started Iooking for a donor with similar features.
690
00:39:40,710 --> 00:39:44,476
And in the end we,
well, we landed on you.
691
00:39:44,547 --> 00:39:47,380
What about $2,000?
That seems fair.
692
00:39:47,484 --> 00:39:49,816
I just really need
that sperm back.
693
00:39:49,886 --> 00:39:52,787
T ommy, I'm
really sorry,
694
00:39:52,856 --> 00:39:57,316
but to find the right donor,
I don't think we could go through that process again.
695
00:39:57,394 --> 00:40:00,124
We've never had
more arguments.
696
00:40:00,196 --> 00:40:01,891
I thought we were
gonna break up.
697
00:40:01,965 --> 00:40:04,126
We almost did.
But we didn't, did we?
698
00:40:04,200 --> 00:40:06,896
No. Tommy, if there's one thing I know,
it's this.
699
00:40:06,970 --> 00:40:08,904
Love will find a way.
700
00:40:09,005 --> 00:40:11,667
It worked for us
and it will work for you.
701
00:40:11,741 --> 00:40:14,733
In fact, Leslie,
why don't you show T ommy some of the runners up?
702
00:40:14,811 --> 00:40:17,302
There's some guys in there that Iook a Iittle Iike you.
703
00:40:17,380 --> 00:40:19,814
You could tell your wife
you got your sperm back.
704
00:40:19,883 --> 00:40:23,683
Maybe slip a Iittle something to the doctor.
She'd never know, so.
705
00:40:23,753 --> 00:40:26,654
Anyway, I've gotta get
jogging before nightfall.
706
00:40:26,723 --> 00:40:28,350
PIeasure meeting you.
707
00:40:28,425 --> 00:40:30,017
Best of Iuck.
708
00:40:30,093 --> 00:40:32,084
I'II get
the folder for you.
709
00:40:42,939 --> 00:40:44,497
I can get you
your sperm back.
710
00:40:44,574 --> 00:40:46,269
Uh, but I thought
we just said that--
711
00:40:46,376 --> 00:40:48,844
Come inside.
712
00:40:48,912 --> 00:40:52,211
Goddammit, Tommy.
I feel horrible about this. I really do.
713
00:40:52,282 --> 00:40:54,182
Jeffrey said---
714
00:40:54,250 --> 00:40:56,684
Forget Jeffrey.
I wear the pants in this relationship.
715
00:40:56,753 --> 00:40:58,618
And I would Iike to see you have your family.
716
00:40:58,721 --> 00:41:00,689
Really?
717
00:41:00,757 --> 00:41:03,385
Yes.
I'm sure we can reach some kind of mutual agreement.
718
00:41:03,460 --> 00:41:06,520
It's simple, isn't it?
You want your sperm back, and I want you.
719
00:41:06,596 --> 00:41:08,621
Jeffrey always says
I'm a narcissist.
720
00:41:08,698 --> 00:41:10,563
That's probably why
I'm so attracted to you.
721
00:41:10,633 --> 00:41:12,567
It'd be Iike having
sex with myself.
722
00:41:12,635 --> 00:41:14,535
Having sex?
723
00:41:14,604 --> 00:41:17,072
I want to be
inside you, Tommy.
724
00:41:17,140 --> 00:41:18,732
What?
725
00:41:18,808 --> 00:41:22,300
I want to enter you.
726
00:41:22,378 --> 00:41:24,312
Are you-are you
not getting this?
727
00:41:24,414 --> 00:41:25,813
I--
728
00:41:25,915 --> 00:41:27,906
Have you ever had
anal sex, Tommy?
729
00:41:27,984 --> 00:41:29,975
I can't say
that I have.
730
00:41:30,086 --> 00:41:32,486
It's Iike getting your prostate checked.
Have you done that?
731
00:41:32,555 --> 00:41:34,079
I haven't.
732
00:41:34,157 --> 00:41:35,988
You should. Detection
equals prevention.
733
00:41:36,092 --> 00:41:37,423
Okay, okay.
734
00:41:37,494 --> 00:41:39,826
Come on, Tom.
We're guys here.
735
00:41:39,929 --> 00:41:43,421
Let's do this.
Don't be so homophobic.
736
00:41:43,500 --> 00:41:45,263
I'm not homophobic.
737
00:41:45,335 --> 00:41:47,166
You're afraid to have sex
with another man.
738
00:41:47,270 --> 00:41:49,830
It doesn't get more
homophobic than that.
739
00:41:49,939 --> 00:41:51,998
I don't think you're
using that word right.
740
00:41:52,075 --> 00:41:54,441
AII right.
I'II tell you what I'II do.
741
00:41:54,511 --> 00:41:56,911
You enter me.
742
00:41:56,980 --> 00:41:59,107
What the hell?
I'm feeling generous.
743
00:41:59,182 --> 00:42:03,414
It's my final offer, Tom.
What do you say?
744
00:42:05,922 --> 00:42:09,187
I say fuck him.
It's just a hole. Stick it in.
745
00:42:09,292 --> 00:42:11,260
Can we be
serious, please?
746
00:42:11,327 --> 00:42:14,262
Or Iet him fuck you.
Who gives a shit? Fuck or be fucked.
747
00:42:14,330 --> 00:42:17,094
CIose your eyes, stick it in,
and think of baseball.
748
00:42:17,166 --> 00:42:19,031
That'II make it
Iast longer.
749
00:42:19,135 --> 00:42:20,534
What do you got to Iose?
750
00:42:20,637 --> 00:42:23,003
I can think
of a few things, Wade!
751
00:42:23,106 --> 00:42:25,199
Shit, I would do it.
But everybody knows
752
00:42:25,308 --> 00:42:26,775
that gay guys
don't Iike fat people.
753
00:42:26,843 --> 00:42:30,142
They're "fatophobic."
"PIumpophobic."
754
00:42:30,213 --> 00:42:33,944
"PIumpophobia" or whatever.
Have you ever seen a gay fat guy before?
755
00:42:34,017 --> 00:42:36,952
No, they don't exist.
They're Iike unicorns.
756
00:42:37,020 --> 00:42:39,614
Have you ever seen
a fat unicorn before?
757
00:42:39,689 --> 00:42:40,883
Me either.
758
00:42:40,957 --> 00:42:42,720
Help me!
759
00:42:42,825 --> 00:42:45,191
When they said you couldn't have your sperm back,
760
00:42:45,295 --> 00:42:47,820
they robbed you of your future.
Right?
761
00:42:47,897 --> 00:42:50,491
And you have every
right to steal it back.
762
00:42:50,567 --> 00:42:52,899
Are you talking about robbing a sperm bank?
763
00:42:53,002 --> 00:42:54,731
"A" double right,
you bet I am.
764
00:42:54,804 --> 00:42:56,396
No, that's crazy.
765
00:42:56,506 --> 00:42:57,564
Crazy?
Or brilliant?
766
00:42:57,674 --> 00:42:59,005
Crazy.
767
00:42:59,075 --> 00:43:00,474
Brilliantly crazy.
768
00:43:00,543 --> 00:43:02,170
No, just crazy.
769
00:43:02,245 --> 00:43:05,009
And brilliant.
Don't think about yourself.
770
00:43:05,081 --> 00:43:06,742
Think about your
unborn child.
771
00:43:06,849 --> 00:43:08,476
If you don't do
something soon,
772
00:43:08,551 --> 00:43:10,416
the Iast good seed
you have on Earth
773
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,818
is gonna be implanted
deep inside some surrogate.
774
00:43:12,889 --> 00:43:16,484
And good Iuck getting it back then.
Fuck or be fucked, Tommy.
775
00:43:16,559 --> 00:43:19,357
Fuck or be
fucked, Tommy.
776
00:43:19,429 --> 00:43:22,592
No, wait a second.
How are we gonna rob a sperm bank?
777
00:43:22,665 --> 00:43:24,428
I've been thinking
about this.
778
00:43:24,500 --> 00:43:26,263
I know just the guy
who can help us.
779
00:43:26,336 --> 00:43:28,361
Walk with me.
780
00:43:41,250 --> 00:43:43,013
How do you know
this guy again?
781
00:43:43,086 --> 00:43:44,576
How do we
know this guy?
782
00:43:44,687 --> 00:43:47,884
Shut up, Zig Zag.
Keep your mouth shut.
783
00:43:47,957 --> 00:43:50,221
This whole thing was my idea in the first place.
784
00:43:50,293 --> 00:43:53,057
What?
Your idea?
785
00:43:53,129 --> 00:43:56,963
You think you can come up with
a crazily brilliant idea Iike this?
786
00:43:57,033 --> 00:44:00,560
Okay.
The guys in the meat department introduce me to him.
787
00:44:00,637 --> 00:44:02,298
Apparently he's
the real deal.
788
00:44:02,372 --> 00:44:03,862
Former bag man
for the Indian mafia.
789
00:44:03,940 --> 00:44:05,874
What does
that mean?
790
00:44:05,942 --> 00:44:08,536
That's racist.
They Iike to be called Native-Americans.
791
00:44:08,611 --> 00:44:11,409
No, he's Indian. Dot head Indian,
not feather Indian.
792
00:44:11,481 --> 00:44:12,812
That's even
more racist.
793
00:44:12,915 --> 00:44:15,076
You're a racist.
794
00:44:15,151 --> 00:44:17,881
Bag man means you fuck with him,
you end up with a bag on your hip.
795
00:44:17,954 --> 00:44:20,980
- Bag on your hip? What the fuck does that mean?
- You shit in a bag.
796
00:44:21,090 --> 00:44:26,323
And then they tell me that they can't
even sell me back my own sperm.
797
00:44:26,429 --> 00:44:28,727
And then they kick me out.
798
00:44:28,798 --> 00:44:30,663
Yeah, and they pepper
sprayed me in the face.
799
00:44:30,767 --> 00:44:33,998
Pushed me into the bushes.
I have prickers everywhere.
800
00:44:34,070 --> 00:44:36,163
I mean, if I don't
get my sperm back, man,
801
00:44:36,272 --> 00:44:38,433
my marriage is over.
802
00:44:38,508 --> 00:44:41,773
You know, these bastards
are assholes,
803
00:44:41,844 --> 00:44:44,005
and they're stealing
my future,
804
00:44:44,113 --> 00:44:48,914
and they're taking away my constitutional
right to do whatever I want
805
00:44:48,985 --> 00:44:50,418
with my own sperm.
806
00:44:50,486 --> 00:44:51,783
You know?
807
00:44:51,854 --> 00:44:54,118
Do you see
what I'm saying?
808
00:44:54,190 --> 00:44:56,249
Yes, I do.
809
00:44:56,325 --> 00:44:58,919
You're saying you bought
your wife's engagement ring
810
00:44:58,995 --> 00:45:00,360
with beat-off money.
811
00:45:01,831 --> 00:45:04,595
Classic, right?
812
00:45:06,135 --> 00:45:07,295
I Iike you.
813
00:45:07,370 --> 00:45:09,201
You're a married man.
814
00:45:09,305 --> 00:45:11,603
I always want
to be a married man.
815
00:45:11,674 --> 00:45:13,471
But I never found Iove.
816
00:45:13,543 --> 00:45:15,636
What can you do?
817
00:45:15,712 --> 00:45:16,940
I will help you.
818
00:45:17,013 --> 00:45:18,207
Hey, all right.
819
00:45:18,314 --> 00:45:19,440
Thank you, Ron Jon.
See?
820
00:45:19,515 --> 00:45:20,948
Wow, thanks, man.
821
00:45:21,017 --> 00:45:22,314
Cost is 5000.
822
00:45:22,385 --> 00:45:24,945
5000? I really had
no idea.
823
00:45:25,021 --> 00:45:27,148
Could you excuse us.
Give us a sec.
824
00:45:29,192 --> 00:45:30,989
What are you doing?
You're blowing the deal.
825
00:45:31,060 --> 00:45:33,051
$5000 to rob
a sperm bank?
826
00:45:33,162 --> 00:45:34,390
How much do you
think it costs?
827
00:45:34,464 --> 00:45:36,125
- I don't know.
- Exactly.
828
00:45:36,199 --> 00:45:38,463
Are you gonna put a price tag on your family?
829
00:45:38,534 --> 00:45:40,195
Shit.
830
00:45:40,303 --> 00:45:42,396
You must have a rich uncle around somewhere.
831
00:45:42,505 --> 00:45:44,837
I've got $11,000 saved up
in the house fund.
832
00:45:44,907 --> 00:45:48,240
I could possibly borrow five and pay
it back before Audrey found out.
833
00:45:48,344 --> 00:45:50,244
Now you're talking sense.
834
00:45:50,346 --> 00:45:51,677
This is it.
835
00:45:51,748 --> 00:45:53,010
Now be cool.
836
00:45:53,082 --> 00:45:55,516
So, we were
just chatting.
837
00:45:55,585 --> 00:45:59,180
And we feel Iike, yeah, sure, yeah, good.
838
00:45:59,255 --> 00:46:01,587
What about $3000?
839
00:46:01,691 --> 00:46:04,592
Mr. Macklin,
make no mistake.
840
00:46:04,660 --> 00:46:06,992
We are committing
a felony here.
841
00:46:07,063 --> 00:46:11,659
There is grave risk involved.
Do you understand me?
842
00:46:11,734 --> 00:46:14,532
Yeah, 5000 then.
5000 seems good.
843
00:46:14,604 --> 00:46:15,730
Very nice!
844
00:46:15,838 --> 00:46:17,601
Very, very, very nice!
845
00:46:17,707 --> 00:46:20,767
- Thank you for your time.
- Looks Iike we have a deal.
846
00:46:20,877 --> 00:46:23,437
Dude, were you seriously
in the Indian mafia?
847
00:46:30,086 --> 00:46:31,951
What the fuck, man?
848
00:46:32,021 --> 00:46:33,579
I never said anything.
849
00:46:33,689 --> 00:46:36,556
Everybody has to know
every fucking thing.
850
00:46:36,626 --> 00:46:37,593
Okay, fine.
851
00:46:37,693 --> 00:46:39,388
Okay, Mr. Nosy.
852
00:46:39,462 --> 00:46:42,056
If you must know,
back in Mumbai,
853
00:46:42,131 --> 00:46:44,895
I was the best second story man in the business.
854
00:46:44,967 --> 00:46:46,400
What business?
855
00:46:46,469 --> 00:46:49,131
The stealing
shit business, okay?
856
00:46:49,238 --> 00:46:53,140
- Okay.
- What is your name?
857
00:46:53,242 --> 00:46:54,436
Zig Zag.
858
00:46:54,544 --> 00:46:56,136
What is so funny, Zig Zag?
859
00:46:56,212 --> 00:46:58,271
I was just
kinda Iaughing
860
00:46:58,381 --> 00:47:03,648
at what the whole ""Indian"
organized crime thing was all about.
861
00:47:03,753 --> 00:47:06,415
What?
You don't think Indian crime can be organized?
862
00:47:06,489 --> 00:47:08,286
Indians are
very organized.
863
00:47:08,391 --> 00:47:12,054
No, I'm sure. I just had
this, Iike, idea in my head
864
00:47:12,128 --> 00:47:15,256
about all these Indian mob
dudes, sitting around,
865
00:47:15,331 --> 00:47:18,061
Iike being all non-violent
with each other.
866
00:47:18,134 --> 00:47:20,398
'Cause you think about,
Iike, Gandhi, right?
867
00:47:20,469 --> 00:47:22,061
I mean, he was, Iike...
868
00:47:22,138 --> 00:47:25,107
Should I show you
how nonviolent I can be?
869
00:47:25,174 --> 00:47:27,233
No!
870
00:47:27,310 --> 00:47:29,938
You think Indians can only drive
a cab and fix your computer?
871
00:47:30,012 --> 00:47:31,775
Well, Iet me
tell you something.
872
00:47:31,848 --> 00:47:34,578
I did drive a cab!
And I can fix your computer,
873
00:47:34,650 --> 00:47:37,016
but I can also
cut your throat!
874
00:47:37,119 --> 00:47:38,746
Shall I show you,
Mr. Zig Zag?
875
00:47:38,821 --> 00:47:41,688
No, I feel Iike
I got it.
876
00:47:41,791 --> 00:47:43,850
Yeah, I feel Iike
I understand.
877
00:47:43,960 --> 00:47:45,689
Yeah, I was just
pretty baked.
878
00:47:45,795 --> 00:47:48,457
Cool off, man, okay?
Cool off.
879
00:47:48,531 --> 00:47:49,793
Everybody cool off.
880
00:47:49,866 --> 00:47:52,767
Hey, it's cool.
881
00:47:52,835 --> 00:47:54,029
Let us drink.
882
00:48:01,143 --> 00:48:03,373
Let us drink
to a successful mission.
883
00:48:03,446 --> 00:48:05,175
What is this?
884
00:48:05,281 --> 00:48:07,306
Just drink it, god damn it.
Everybody, "What is it?
885
00:48:07,383 --> 00:48:08,611
"What is it?
What is it?"
886
00:48:08,684 --> 00:48:09,981
Okay, come on!
887
00:48:10,052 --> 00:48:11,542
To success!
888
00:48:11,621 --> 00:48:12,883
To success!
889
00:48:23,132 --> 00:48:26,465
I will get you your sperm back,
Mr. Macklin.
890
00:48:26,535 --> 00:48:29,561
That much,
I guarantee.
891
00:48:41,317 --> 00:48:43,342
So you just must be
totally pissed.
892
00:48:43,419 --> 00:48:45,580
Yeah, I was
furious at first.
893
00:48:45,688 --> 00:48:47,656
I mean, he's got
kids out there.
894
00:48:47,723 --> 00:48:50,021
But then I thought,
why not just go down there
895
00:48:50,092 --> 00:48:53,084
and see if they have any of his
good sperm Ieft for us to use.
896
00:48:53,162 --> 00:48:54,356
And?
897
00:48:54,430 --> 00:48:56,227
It was five years ago.
898
00:48:56,332 --> 00:48:59,096
They told him they'd Iook,
but it didn't Iook good.
899
00:49:02,571 --> 00:49:04,198
Billy, no!
900
00:49:04,273 --> 00:49:06,036
If you keep drowning James,
I swear to God,
901
00:49:06,108 --> 00:49:07,541
I gonna come over there
and drown you right back!
902
00:49:07,610 --> 00:49:09,601
It's not James.
903
00:49:09,712 --> 00:49:12,875
Well, who can tell,
you Iittle sewer rat?
904
00:49:14,350 --> 00:49:15,783
AII right, that's it.
905
00:49:15,885 --> 00:49:17,284
Get over here!
906
00:49:18,754 --> 00:49:22,554
Oh, AIIison,
she's so adorable.
907
00:49:23,793 --> 00:49:25,522
What's her name?
908
00:49:25,594 --> 00:49:27,721
Well, we wanted to name her something Chinese,
909
00:49:27,797 --> 00:49:31,563
but also, you know, American,
so we went with Jackie Chan.
910
00:49:31,634 --> 00:49:35,035
Jackie Chan
Finnerman. Nice.
911
00:49:35,905 --> 00:49:37,099
Wait...
912
00:49:37,206 --> 00:49:40,141
Stop it!
C'mon, stop it!
913
00:49:42,378 --> 00:49:43,936
God, she's so quiet.
914
00:49:44,046 --> 00:49:46,139
Yeah, she's really quiet.
She never cries.
915
00:49:46,215 --> 00:49:48,046
Yeah, I've heard that
about those babies.
916
00:49:48,117 --> 00:49:49,914
Why does everybody know so much about Asian babies?
917
00:49:49,986 --> 00:49:51,453
Did I miss a class
or something?
918
00:49:51,554 --> 00:49:53,317
They're just Iike
American babies.
919
00:49:53,389 --> 00:49:54,879
Only better.
920
00:49:54,957 --> 00:49:56,925
I heard they're also really musical.
921
00:49:56,993 --> 00:49:59,086
You should totally get her a piano, Iike,
right now.
922
00:49:59,161 --> 00:50:00,594
Well, I already
got her a violin.
923
00:50:00,663 --> 00:50:02,654
She doesn't even
have fingers yet.
924
00:50:02,765 --> 00:50:04,164
So, just out of curiosity,
925
00:50:04,266 --> 00:50:05,995
how much did it cost
to adopt her?
926
00:50:06,068 --> 00:50:07,899
About $10,000
when you add it all up.
927
00:50:09,505 --> 00:50:10,597
Did you want
to hold her?
928
00:50:10,673 --> 00:50:12,004
Oh, I'd Iove to.
929
00:50:14,010 --> 00:50:16,274
Hi, Jackie Chan.
930
00:50:16,345 --> 00:50:17,004
Hi.
931
00:50:19,015 --> 00:50:22,917
Oh, princess.
Yeah. Hi.
932
00:50:36,465 --> 00:50:39,525
There he is,
our five-star general.
933
00:51:06,495 --> 00:51:08,190
Okay.
934
00:51:08,297 --> 00:51:10,492
I have done a complete stakeout of the target.
935
00:51:10,566 --> 00:51:11,533
Nothing to it.
936
00:51:11,634 --> 00:51:12,896
Piece of cake.
937
00:51:13,002 --> 00:51:15,129
- Oh, that's great.
- Awesome.
938
00:51:15,204 --> 00:51:17,832
Each person will have
a special job.
939
00:51:17,907 --> 00:51:22,003
You. Because you are small Iike a woman,
you will be wheel man.
940
00:51:22,078 --> 00:51:24,308
Drive only.
No talk.
941
00:51:24,380 --> 00:51:25,210
A woman.
942
00:51:25,314 --> 00:51:27,145
No talk.
943
00:51:27,216 --> 00:51:28,911
You.
944
00:51:29,018 --> 00:51:32,510
if shit go down,
and all fuck break Ioose...
945
00:51:36,592 --> 00:51:39,493
you are
trigger man.
946
00:51:39,562 --> 00:51:41,757
I'm not gonna
shoot this gun, so...
947
00:51:41,831 --> 00:51:43,264
Let me tell
you something.
948
00:51:43,365 --> 00:51:45,526
I have two strikes
against me.
949
00:51:45,601 --> 00:51:48,434
One more and I go
to prison for Iife.
950
00:51:48,504 --> 00:51:52,531
If we are caught, you must shoot me.
Do you understand?
951
00:51:52,608 --> 00:51:54,701
I'm not gonna
shoot you, Mr. Jon.
952
00:51:54,777 --> 00:51:56,210
Christ, I'II shoot him.
953
00:51:56,278 --> 00:51:57,711
Sorry.
954
00:51:57,780 --> 00:51:58,940
So here is the plan.
955
00:51:59,048 --> 00:52:01,778
This is
the sperm bank.
956
00:52:01,884 --> 00:52:05,718
This is the barber shop
right next door.
957
00:52:05,788 --> 00:52:08,348
Wait a minute.
Just, sorry,
958
00:52:08,424 --> 00:52:09,857
but wouldn't it
make more sense
959
00:52:09,925 --> 00:52:12,393
if we made the comb
the barber shop
960
00:52:12,461 --> 00:52:15,453
and the cream the sperm bank?
I'm just saying.
961
00:52:15,564 --> 00:52:16,792
Yeah, I'm with Tom
on this one.
962
00:52:16,899 --> 00:52:18,764
Okay, fine, fine.
963
00:52:18,868 --> 00:52:23,805
This is the barber shop,
and this is the sperm bank.
964
00:52:23,906 --> 00:52:27,433
And this is the Iiquor store
across the street.
965
00:52:30,613 --> 00:52:32,638
What?
966
00:52:32,748 --> 00:52:36,047
Wouldn't it be better if Zig Zag's
beer was the Iiqour store...
967
00:52:36,118 --> 00:52:38,643
and this ketchup bottle
was something else?
968
00:52:49,632 --> 00:52:55,332
Liquor store, barber shop,
sperm bank. Any questions?
969
00:52:57,139 --> 00:52:59,437
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's good, yeah.
970
00:52:59,508 --> 00:53:03,945
Okay, you and wheel man will arrive early,
dressed as plumber.
971
00:53:06,115 --> 00:53:08,515
You're gonna have your name
on the plumbing truck?
972
00:53:08,617 --> 00:53:09,845
Good point.
973
00:53:12,621 --> 00:53:14,953
You two will enter
barber shop and go
974
00:53:15,024 --> 00:53:17,185
to the employee
rest room.
975
00:53:17,259 --> 00:53:19,693
You will open
skylight.
976
00:53:19,762 --> 00:53:24,199
While you plant special tools I need for the job.
977
00:53:24,266 --> 00:53:28,703
Soon it will be dark and time for me to take over.
978
00:53:28,804 --> 00:53:30,863
From the roof
of the liquor store,
979
00:53:30,973 --> 00:53:32,804
I will slide over
power lines, like Ninja,
980
00:53:32,875 --> 00:53:34,866
I will drop in
through the skylight,
981
00:53:34,977 --> 00:53:36,808
take the jackhammer
982
00:53:36,879 --> 00:53:39,370
and blast my way
into the sperm bank.
983
00:53:39,481 --> 00:53:42,143
Meanwhile, rest of team
will be outside,
984
00:53:42,218 --> 00:53:44,379
providing noise cover
for jackhammer.
985
00:53:50,659 --> 00:53:53,457
I don' t
play guitar.
986
00:53:53,529 --> 00:53:54,996
That's true.
987
00:53:55,064 --> 00:53:56,725
But you do play
the accordion, right?
988
00:53:56,832 --> 00:53:58,322
When I was nine.
Shut up, Wade.
989
00:54:01,971 --> 00:54:04,132
Once inside sperm bank,
990
00:54:04,206 --> 00:54:06,572
I will use special lock picking kit to open the vault.
991
00:54:06,675 --> 00:54:12,011
With special lock picking kit,
I can open any lock, anytime.
992
00:54:12,081 --> 00:54:13,639
And, just like that...
993
00:54:13,716 --> 00:54:15,206
you are a daddy.
994
00:54:15,317 --> 00:54:16,841
Did I tell you
this guy was the best?
995
00:54:16,919 --> 00:54:18,352
Sorry, I just
have one question.
996
00:54:18,420 --> 00:54:21,082
If you can open
any Iock, anytime,
997
00:54:21,156 --> 00:54:24,182
then why not skip the Ninja routine,
the jackhammer
998
00:54:24,260 --> 00:54:26,160
and the 80s hair band,
999
00:54:26,228 --> 00:54:28,662
and just pick the Iock on the door to the sperm bank?
1000
00:54:28,731 --> 00:54:30,562
Yeah, if you just
use the Iock picking kit,
1001
00:54:30,666 --> 00:54:34,693
you can pick the Iock on the door to the sperm bank.
1002
00:54:34,770 --> 00:54:36,704
I Iike this guy.
1003
00:54:36,772 --> 00:54:38,831
He is a good one
to have on the team.
1004
00:54:38,907 --> 00:54:41,432
Great new plan.
I Iike it.
1005
00:54:41,510 --> 00:54:45,503
Okay. I would call
this plan
1006
00:54:45,581 --> 00:54:47,947
Operation Desert Sperm.
1007
00:55:00,029 --> 00:55:01,929
Hey, wow.
1008
00:55:02,031 --> 00:55:05,967
- Guess what?
- Just really quick, I wanna say something.
1009
00:55:06,068 --> 00:55:08,730
I know I have screwed
some things up Iately.
1010
00:55:08,804 --> 00:55:11,398
But don't worry,
because...
1011
00:55:11,473 --> 00:55:12,804
I am on the case.
1012
00:55:12,908 --> 00:55:16,969
Guess what?
1013
00:55:17,079 --> 00:55:17,977
You're pregnant?
1014
00:55:19,248 --> 00:55:21,148
Yes, yes, yes.
1015
00:55:21,216 --> 00:55:23,309
Oh, Tommy, Tommy.
1016
00:55:23,385 --> 00:55:25,649
I want to adopt.
1017
00:55:25,721 --> 00:55:27,621
Adopt?
1018
00:55:27,723 --> 00:55:29,953
I went by the adoption agency
and got some information.
1019
00:55:30,059 --> 00:55:31,754
It's the perfect
solution for us.
1020
00:55:31,827 --> 00:55:34,591
Yeah, but the sperm bank
might still have...
1021
00:55:34,663 --> 00:55:36,824
Tommy, you said they didn't think they had any.
1022
00:55:36,932 --> 00:55:38,729
They said they're
checking the warehouse.
1023
00:55:38,801 --> 00:55:40,564
I held AIIison's
baby today.
1024
00:55:40,636 --> 00:55:42,900
And I just Iooked into those big,
beautiful eyes.
1025
00:55:42,971 --> 00:55:45,667
Oh, my gosh, Tommy.
I just fell in Iove.
1026
00:55:45,774 --> 00:55:48,004
Look it doesn't matter
how we get a baby.
1027
00:55:48,077 --> 00:55:50,238
Let's just
start a family.
1028
00:55:50,312 --> 00:55:52,337
AIIison's baby
is Chinese, right?
1029
00:55:52,414 --> 00:55:54,109
Oh, she's so delicious.
1030
00:55:56,318 --> 00:55:57,945
What's wrong?
1031
00:55:58,020 --> 00:55:59,009
Nothing.
1032
00:55:59,121 --> 00:56:00,520
I'm half Chinese!
1033
00:56:00,622 --> 00:56:02,852
Thank you.
I know that, I just...
1034
00:56:02,925 --> 00:56:07,259
But out of curiosity,
do they have any American kids there?
1035
00:56:07,329 --> 00:56:09,593
Or even, Iike half Chinese
half American kids?
1036
00:56:09,665 --> 00:56:13,999
Babe, American babies are ridiculously
expensive and impossible to get.
1037
00:56:14,103 --> 00:56:15,968
There used to be
tons of Russian babies,
1038
00:56:16,038 --> 00:56:18,131
but one of them went a Iittle crazy,
so that was that.
1039
00:56:18,207 --> 00:56:20,471
India won't Iet their babies out.
We could go Ethiopian?
1040
00:56:20,542 --> 00:56:21,873
What do they have,
Iike a menu?
1041
00:56:21,977 --> 00:56:23,205
So I did
some quick research.
1042
00:56:23,278 --> 00:56:25,041
Of course you did.
1043
00:56:25,147 --> 00:56:28,139
And the Chinese babies
are the easiest ones to get.
1044
00:56:28,217 --> 00:56:31,380
Do you have some kind of Chinese
issue I should know about?
1045
00:56:32,821 --> 00:56:34,550
You Iove Chinese food!
1046
00:56:34,623 --> 00:56:36,386
Yeah, but I'm not
gonna eat the baby.
1047
00:56:36,458 --> 00:56:38,289
You better not.
1048
00:56:38,360 --> 00:56:40,487
You know what? Let me just
take a piss, really quick.
1049
00:56:40,562 --> 00:56:41,893
Hold on, two seconds.
1050
00:57:05,821 --> 00:57:07,812
I guess the Great Wall
is pretty sweet.
1051
00:57:07,890 --> 00:57:10,688
Oh, thank you!
1052
00:57:12,494 --> 00:57:14,519
I mean, you're
sure about this?
1053
00:57:14,596 --> 00:57:17,656
I've never been more sure
about anything in my entire Iife.
1054
00:57:17,733 --> 00:57:19,223
Okay, then.
1055
00:57:20,436 --> 00:57:21,835
You Iook disappointed.
1056
00:57:21,904 --> 00:57:23,269
I'm not disappointed.
1057
00:57:23,372 --> 00:57:25,237
I'm not disappointed.
1058
00:57:25,340 --> 00:57:27,535
This is not exactly how I imagined it would work out,
1059
00:57:27,609 --> 00:57:29,167
but maybe
you're right.
1060
00:57:29,244 --> 00:57:31,041
Let's explore it.
How does it even work?
1061
00:57:31,113 --> 00:57:34,207
Well, when you add it all up,
it's about $10,000.
1062
00:57:34,283 --> 00:57:36,717
But I figure we can just borrow
it from the house fund, right?
1063
00:57:37,786 --> 00:57:40,016
Yes, yes we can.
1064
00:57:40,088 --> 00:57:42,454
I Iove you, Tommy.
1065
00:57:42,558 --> 00:57:44,458
I Iove you, honey.
1066
00:57:50,265 --> 00:57:51,755
It's off.
1067
00:57:51,867 --> 00:57:53,562
- What's off?
- The robbery, it's off.
1068
00:57:53,635 --> 00:57:55,125
Shut the fuck up.
1069
00:57:55,204 --> 00:57:56,296
No, seriously man.
1070
00:57:56,405 --> 00:57:58,737
We've gotta cancel it.
1071
00:57:58,807 --> 00:58:00,240
But I already bought
the ski masks.
1072
00:58:00,309 --> 00:58:01,742
It's too risky.
I can't get caught.
1073
00:58:01,810 --> 00:58:03,539
What about the baby?
1074
00:58:03,612 --> 00:58:05,739
Audrey decided we're
gonna adopt a Chinese baby.
1075
00:58:05,814 --> 00:58:08,544
Audrey decided you're
getting a Chinese baby.
1076
00:58:08,617 --> 00:58:10,482
When did you decide
to give up on America?
1077
00:58:10,552 --> 00:58:11,985
She decided.
1078
00:58:12,054 --> 00:58:13,749
We decided.
1079
00:58:13,822 --> 00:58:16,256
She just decided first
and then I decided Iater.
1080
00:58:16,325 --> 00:58:18,623
I'm tired of these Chinese.
They're making everything.
1081
00:58:18,727 --> 00:58:20,820
Shirts, the watch
and the pants.
1082
00:58:20,896 --> 00:58:22,488
Now they're gonna make
our babies?
1083
00:58:22,564 --> 00:58:24,395
I'm sick of this
outsourcing shit.
1084
00:58:24,466 --> 00:58:26,229
Wait a second.
1085
00:58:26,301 --> 00:58:28,735
We were gonna outsource
our robbery to this Indian.
1086
00:58:28,804 --> 00:58:32,103
Besides, this way we're
helping orphans and shit.
1087
00:58:32,174 --> 00:58:33,766
Giving them
a second chance.
1088
00:58:33,842 --> 00:58:35,639
Oh, we already gave them
a second chance.
1089
00:58:35,744 --> 00:58:37,268
Remember Pearl Harbor?
1090
00:58:37,346 --> 00:58:39,177
Never forget, man.
1091
00:58:39,248 --> 00:58:41,011
Fine, get your Chinese baby.
I'm over it.
1092
00:58:41,116 --> 00:58:43,846
You know what?
I hear they're pretty damn smart.
1093
00:58:43,919 --> 00:58:46,012
Yeah, and fucking
expensive.
1094
00:58:46,088 --> 00:58:49,683
We gotta get my $5000
back from your Mr. Ron Jon.
1095
00:58:49,758 --> 00:58:52,852
Okay, well I don't think
Mr. Ron Jon's an Indian giver.
1096
00:58:52,961 --> 00:58:55,293
No shit. I am
the Indian giver.
1097
00:58:55,364 --> 00:58:57,457
How could you
be the Indian giver?
1098
00:58:57,533 --> 00:58:59,433
I'm not having
this conversation.
1099
00:59:01,703 --> 00:59:03,933
Okay, Iisten.
Stick to the plan.
1100
00:59:04,006 --> 00:59:05,371
PIay to his sympathies.
1101
00:59:05,474 --> 00:59:07,032
Make him feel guilty,
all right?
1102
00:59:13,215 --> 00:59:15,445
What the hell?
You're a day early.
1103
00:59:15,517 --> 00:59:16,984
Hey, we need to talk.
1104
00:59:17,052 --> 00:59:18,781
Okay, come in.
1105
00:59:18,854 --> 00:59:21,516
Getting in shape
for the big job.
1106
00:59:24,660 --> 00:59:27,993
Listen, Mr. Jon,
I have some bad news.
1107
00:59:28,063 --> 00:59:30,497
I have to cancel the job.
1108
00:59:30,566 --> 00:59:32,796
Okay, fine.
Job is canceled.
1109
00:59:32,868 --> 00:59:34,495
Just Iike that?
1110
00:59:34,570 --> 00:59:36,162
Just Iike that.
1111
00:59:36,238 --> 00:59:39,036
C'mon. We can drink
to canceled job. Come.
1112
00:59:40,208 --> 00:59:41,505
Okay, Iet's do this.
1113
00:59:42,878 --> 00:59:44,846
The good stuff,
too, I see.
1114
00:59:44,913 --> 00:59:48,405
Hey, yes. Nothing but the best for my friends.
C'mon now.
1115
00:59:48,483 --> 00:59:49,472
To canceled job.
1116
00:59:54,189 --> 00:59:57,158
Indians Iove Scotch.
1117
00:59:57,225 --> 00:59:58,692
And cocaine!
1118
01:00:01,530 --> 01:00:05,694
She don't Iie.
1119
01:00:05,767 --> 01:00:06,927
Well, heck if I do.
1120
01:00:09,104 --> 01:00:10,867
That's a great TV!
1121
01:00:10,939 --> 01:00:12,338
Oh, you Iike it, huh?
1122
01:00:12,407 --> 01:00:14,705
Voice activated.
Check it out.
1123
01:00:14,776 --> 01:00:16,835
Shut the fuck up!
1124
01:00:19,548 --> 01:00:21,778
I gotta get me
one of those.
1125
01:00:21,883 --> 01:00:25,216
Hey, those weights
Iook pretty new, too.
1126
01:00:25,287 --> 01:00:28,688
Listen, how much of that $5000 have you spent?
1127
01:00:28,757 --> 01:00:30,122
5000?
1128
01:00:30,225 --> 01:00:31,886
Yeah, I gave
you $5000.
1129
01:00:31,960 --> 01:00:33,951
I guess I spent $5000.
1130
01:00:34,029 --> 01:00:35,553
You what?
1131
01:00:35,631 --> 01:00:39,123
No, no! Man...
1132
01:00:39,201 --> 01:00:42,136
The reason I had to cancel the job is because...
1133
01:00:42,204 --> 01:00:44,968
I have an emergency,
and I need that money back.
1134
01:00:45,073 --> 01:00:46,870
Well, what is the emergency?
1135
01:00:46,942 --> 01:00:49,911
Well...
it's my mother.
1136
01:00:49,978 --> 01:00:51,639
She's ill,
1137
01:00:51,747 --> 01:00:54,477
- and if she doesn't get a new...
- Kidney...
1138
01:00:54,549 --> 01:00:58,212
...transplant,
then she'II die.
1139
01:00:58,286 --> 01:01:01,153
That is very, very sad.
1140
01:01:01,223 --> 01:01:04,818
My own mother,
she died of Iiver failure.
1141
01:01:04,893 --> 01:01:09,830
I cannot promise anything,
but I will see what I can do.
1142
01:01:11,066 --> 01:01:12,397
AII right.
1143
01:01:12,467 --> 01:01:14,833
Yes, Mom, we're
really excited.
1144
01:01:14,936 --> 01:01:17,496
Of course she'II speak English.
We'II teach her.
1145
01:01:17,572 --> 01:01:20,268
No, we haven't come up
with names yet. Hold on.
1146
01:01:27,082 --> 01:01:29,915
Mom, I gotta go.
1147
01:01:29,985 --> 01:01:33,182
Audrey, I'm home.
1148
01:01:33,288 --> 01:01:35,017
I was just down
at the bank, just now,
1149
01:01:35,123 --> 01:01:36,852
and it's weird,
because they...
1150
01:01:36,958 --> 01:01:39,085
said apparently there's a mistake that was made,
1151
01:01:39,161 --> 01:01:42,460
but not to worry,
because they could clear it up in a couple days.
1152
01:01:42,531 --> 01:01:45,864
What... is going on?
1153
01:01:47,703 --> 01:01:49,864
Audrey, baby...
1154
01:01:49,938 --> 01:01:51,963
What happened?
What's going on right now?
1155
01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:53,871
Would you stop
for a second?
1156
01:01:53,975 --> 01:01:56,034
We're gonna have enough money for the Chinese baby.
1157
01:01:58,714 --> 01:02:01,478
You can take your Chinese
baby and shove it up your ass.
1158
01:02:05,487 --> 01:02:07,455
They're not mine.
1159
01:02:07,522 --> 01:02:10,218
Okay, tell me.
Then whose are they?
1160
01:02:13,795 --> 01:02:15,387
- They're Wade's.
- Okay.
1161
01:02:18,066 --> 01:02:20,227
Aud. Audrey...
1162
01:02:22,070 --> 01:02:24,664
Hey, wait!
Audrey, seriously, stop.
1163
01:02:24,740 --> 01:02:29,143
Hey, Audrey, You've gotta be kidding me.
PIease, stop.
1164
01:02:29,211 --> 01:02:30,803
Stop, please!
1165
01:02:30,879 --> 01:02:32,744
- Hold on.
- Do you Iove her, Tommy?
1166
01:02:32,814 --> 01:02:34,805
Of course not.
I Iove you.
1167
01:02:34,883 --> 01:02:37,181
Then why were you jerking off to naked pictures of her?
1168
01:02:37,252 --> 01:02:40,153
I was jerking off to naked pictures of cantaloupes.
1169
01:02:40,222 --> 01:02:42,247
I saw her
cantaloupes, Tommy.
1170
01:02:42,357 --> 01:02:44,757
And I'm sorry that my cantaloupes
aren't good enough for you.
1171
01:02:44,860 --> 01:02:46,589
If only you found
me attractive,
1172
01:02:46,695 --> 01:02:48,663
you could have jerked off
to naked pictures of me.
1173
01:02:48,730 --> 01:02:50,595
Audrey, seriously,
they are Wade's pictures.
1174
01:02:50,665 --> 01:02:52,496
Then how the hell did they end up in our bathroom?
1175
01:02:52,567 --> 01:02:53,829
Well...
1176
01:02:53,902 --> 01:02:55,233
You know what?
1177
01:02:55,337 --> 01:02:56,929
BIame your friends.
Who cares?
1178
01:02:57,038 --> 01:02:59,097
You're not man enough
to knock me up, anyway.
1179
01:03:08,784 --> 01:03:11,378
I can't believe
you broke up with Tanya.
1180
01:03:11,453 --> 01:03:12,886
I got tired of her.
1181
01:03:12,954 --> 01:03:15,252
A man cannot Iive
by nipples alone.
1182
01:03:22,130 --> 01:03:23,961
Hey, Wade,
you asshole!
1183
01:03:24,065 --> 01:03:27,228
I told you to get
the pictures out of my...
1184
01:03:30,238 --> 01:03:32,229
She found the pictures.
1185
01:03:32,307 --> 01:03:33,774
Oh...
1186
01:03:34,976 --> 01:03:36,466
You know, she's right.
1187
01:03:36,578 --> 01:03:38,068
I got one job
to do as a man,
1188
01:03:38,146 --> 01:03:39,977
and I can't even do that.
1189
01:03:40,081 --> 01:03:42,140
It's just a little crisis of confidence.
1190
01:03:42,217 --> 01:03:43,582
It happens to everyone.
1191
01:03:43,652 --> 01:03:45,483
Maybe we should
buy him a hooker.
1192
01:03:45,554 --> 01:03:47,317
What's he gonna do
with a hooker?
1193
01:03:47,422 --> 01:03:48,912
Oh, that's right.
He can't get it up.
1194
01:03:48,990 --> 01:03:51,823
Zig Zag, I can get
it up, dude.
1195
01:03:51,893 --> 01:03:53,588
He can get it up.
He just can't come.
1196
01:03:53,662 --> 01:03:55,823
I can come!
1197
01:03:55,931 --> 01:03:59,298
Yeah, sure. He can come.
But nothing comes out. Just puffs of air.
1198
01:04:01,436 --> 01:04:03,233
Would you guys shut up?
1199
01:04:03,305 --> 01:04:05,170
If I Iose Audrey,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
1200
01:04:05,273 --> 01:04:06,604
C'mon, don't talk
Iike that.
1201
01:04:06,675 --> 01:04:08,404
She Ioves you
and you Iove her.
1202
01:04:08,476 --> 01:04:10,239
And she knows that you'II do anything for her.
1203
01:04:10,312 --> 01:04:12,780
But I haven't done
everything, have I?
1204
01:04:12,848 --> 01:04:15,282
There's only one thing Ieft I could do to make this right.
1205
01:04:15,350 --> 01:04:17,341
And I'm gonna do it.
1206
01:04:17,419 --> 01:04:18,909
You're gonna have sex
with that gay guy?
1207
01:04:18,987 --> 01:04:20,420
What?
1208
01:04:20,488 --> 01:04:23,116
No, I'm gonna go back
to Pasadena,
1209
01:04:23,191 --> 01:04:24,419
and rob that bank.
1210
01:04:24,492 --> 01:04:25,516
Yeah, you are!
1211
01:04:25,594 --> 01:04:27,152
Whoa, rob a bank?
1212
01:04:27,262 --> 01:04:28,661
Here's the deal.
1213
01:04:28,763 --> 01:04:30,594
On Monday, the Iast
batch of sperm
1214
01:04:30,665 --> 01:04:33,133
that I have Ieft in the world will be gone forever.
1215
01:04:33,201 --> 01:04:35,931
But tomorrow night,
before that happens,
1216
01:04:36,004 --> 01:04:38,996
we're gonna go in there,
and steal that shit back.
1217
01:04:39,107 --> 01:04:41,541
We're pulling a bank job,
1218
01:04:41,610 --> 01:04:43,475
a sperm bank job.
1219
01:04:43,545 --> 01:04:45,035
What do you guys say?
Who's with me?
1220
01:04:45,146 --> 01:04:47,046
I'm with you, Tomahawk!
1221
01:04:47,115 --> 01:04:49,811
- Zig Zag.
- Aces high!
1222
01:04:49,885 --> 01:04:52,445
Darrell? We could use
some muscle on this job.
1223
01:04:54,856 --> 01:04:59,225
Right, well, I'm just
gonna run home real quick
1224
01:04:59,327 --> 01:05:02,353
and just grab a few things,
a few things...
1225
01:05:02,464 --> 01:05:03,988
for this mission.
1226
01:05:04,065 --> 01:05:06,556
Little criminal stuff
for the mission.
1227
01:05:06,668 --> 01:05:08,898
And then I'II meet you guys
at the designated place,
1228
01:05:08,970 --> 01:05:10,335
at the designated time.
1229
01:05:10,405 --> 01:05:11,064
Okay.
1230
01:05:19,080 --> 01:05:20,672
Okay, Darrell's out.
1231
01:05:20,749 --> 01:05:23,343
He said designated spot,
designated time.
1232
01:05:23,418 --> 01:05:26,910
Zig Zag, we don't have a designated spot,
or a designated time.
1233
01:05:27,022 --> 01:05:29,490
Oh.
1234
01:05:29,557 --> 01:05:31,991
At Ieast we don't have to cut him in on the take, right?
1235
01:05:32,060 --> 01:05:32,924
That's good.
1236
01:05:35,897 --> 01:05:39,492
Ron Jon!
It's Wayne.
1237
01:05:39,567 --> 01:05:41,194
Ron Jon!
1238
01:05:41,269 --> 01:05:43,260
How can he hear you
over that stupid TV?
1239
01:05:46,508 --> 01:05:48,339
Shut the fuck up!
1240
01:05:57,285 --> 01:05:59,776
- What?
- Hi.
1241
01:05:59,854 --> 01:06:03,381
So it's back on,
and we gotta go tonight.
1242
01:06:03,458 --> 01:06:05,085
Come in.
1243
01:06:07,362 --> 01:06:09,853
I can't do tonight,
but Wednesday might work.
1244
01:06:09,931 --> 01:06:13,423
PIease, Mr. Jon.
I paid you a Iot of money to do this job.
1245
01:06:13,535 --> 01:06:15,560
Hey, you canceled
the job, remember?
1246
01:06:15,637 --> 01:06:18,128
Yeah, but you never gave me back my money.
1247
01:06:18,206 --> 01:06:19,639
Wait.
1248
01:06:26,114 --> 01:06:28,139
What is this?
You got my money in here?
1249
01:06:28,216 --> 01:06:29,148
Open it.
1250
01:06:31,219 --> 01:06:35,315
What the--what is this?
1251
01:06:35,390 --> 01:06:37,153
What do you mean
what the fuck?
1252
01:06:37,258 --> 01:06:39,158
It's a kidney.
You say your mother needs a kidney.
1253
01:06:39,260 --> 01:06:41,251
How about a Iittle
"Thank you, Mr. Ron Jon."
1254
01:06:41,329 --> 01:06:43,593
Whose kidney is that?
Whose kidney is that?
1255
01:06:44,566 --> 01:06:46,466
Mr. Jon...
1256
01:06:46,568 --> 01:06:47,967
I don't know
how to tell you this,
1257
01:06:48,069 --> 01:06:49,627
but my mother's
perfectly healthy.
1258
01:06:49,738 --> 01:06:52,104
I made that shit up
to get my money back.
1259
01:06:52,173 --> 01:06:53,970
I see.
1260
01:06:54,075 --> 01:06:56,737
I feel very sorry.
I feel very strange about this.
1261
01:06:56,811 --> 01:06:58,278
Whose is this?
1262
01:06:58,346 --> 01:07:02,112
What man is out there
with Iess body?
1263
01:07:02,183 --> 01:07:05,243
Listen to me,
Mr. Jon, okay?
1264
01:07:06,521 --> 01:07:07,613
PIease.
1265
01:07:07,689 --> 01:07:09,680
I'm desperate, okay?
1266
01:07:09,758 --> 01:07:11,521
PIease help me.
1267
01:07:11,626 --> 01:07:13,491
I can't Iose my wife.
1268
01:07:13,595 --> 01:07:15,756
You should have thought of that before you Iied to me.
1269
01:07:15,830 --> 01:07:17,923
What if I paid you
a shitload more money?
1270
01:07:17,999 --> 01:07:19,091
5000 dollars.
1271
01:07:19,167 --> 01:07:21,032
Goddammit, Iook.
1272
01:07:21,136 --> 01:07:23,366
I got $4000
right there, in cash,
1273
01:07:23,471 --> 01:07:24,938
in this envelope right here.
1274
01:07:26,775 --> 01:07:29,141
Okay, okay.
AII right, okay.
1275
01:07:29,210 --> 01:07:33,112
I have got $40. $40.
1276
01:07:33,181 --> 01:07:34,478
Zig Zag.
1277
01:08:06,648 --> 01:08:09,344
What do we have here?
1278
01:08:09,417 --> 01:08:14,411
One, two, three...
1279
01:08:14,522 --> 01:08:16,183
I have $8.
1280
01:08:16,257 --> 01:08:19,749
We've got $4048, okay?
1281
01:08:19,828 --> 01:08:21,523
So what do you say?
C'mon.
1282
01:08:23,098 --> 01:08:25,760
I'm not sure
if I can trust my team..
1283
01:08:25,867 --> 01:08:29,530
Okay, you know what?
Let's sweeten the deal a Iittle bit.
1284
01:08:29,604 --> 01:08:33,199
Okay? What do you
say to that?
1285
01:08:41,216 --> 01:08:43,707
You know my weakness.
1286
01:08:43,785 --> 01:08:45,377
Let's do it!
1287
01:08:46,554 --> 01:08:47,680
Let's do it.
1288
01:08:55,196 --> 01:08:56,891
She's your ex-girlfriend?
1289
01:08:56,965 --> 01:08:58,398
Yep.
1290
01:08:58,466 --> 01:09:00,024
And your ex-girlfriend...
1291
01:09:01,402 --> 01:09:03,393
And what
about you, Ziplock?
1292
01:09:03,471 --> 01:09:05,234
I practice abstinence.
1293
01:09:05,306 --> 01:09:09,208
Good.
I would not Iike a woman you have touched.
1294
01:09:09,277 --> 01:09:10,710
When do I get her?
1295
01:09:10,778 --> 01:09:12,712
You get her. What?
1296
01:09:12,780 --> 01:09:14,873
Do you think she would Iike me?
Does she Iike beards?
1297
01:09:16,885 --> 01:09:18,318
Oh, shit.
Did you think that--
1298
01:09:18,419 --> 01:09:21,217
Tomorrow, noon.
We will drop her off.
1299
01:09:21,289 --> 01:09:23,382
Noon is good for me.
1300
01:09:23,458 --> 01:09:25,085
Noon can work.
1301
01:09:31,566 --> 01:09:33,158
Tommy?
1302
01:09:35,470 --> 01:09:37,938
Tommy, I'm home!
1303
01:09:40,608 --> 01:09:43,236
First message.
1304
01:09:43,311 --> 01:09:46,974
Hey, honey.
I just wanna tell you that I've got it all figured out.
1305
01:09:47,081 --> 01:09:48,776
I am gonna get
my sperm back
1306
01:09:48,850 --> 01:09:51,284
and we are gonna
have our family, okay?
1307
01:09:51,352 --> 01:09:53,980
I gotta go, but I will
see you tonight.
1308
01:09:54,088 --> 01:09:56,181
Wait for me! Let's go
steal that jizz!
1309
01:09:56,291 --> 01:09:58,282
Wade, shut up!
1310
01:09:58,359 --> 01:10:00,122
Oh, my God.
1311
01:10:06,334 --> 01:10:08,302
Where the fuck
is Ron Jon, man?
1312
01:10:08,369 --> 01:10:11,202
Will you stop asking that?
1313
01:10:11,272 --> 01:10:13,137
Something's not right.
1314
01:10:13,208 --> 01:10:15,369
Jesus, Zig Zag.
Stop smoking pot.
1315
01:10:15,443 --> 01:10:17,035
It's making you paranoid
you douche.
1316
01:10:17,111 --> 01:10:18,703
Dude, it's for my glaucoma.
1317
01:10:18,813 --> 01:10:20,804
Do you really
have glaucoma?
1318
01:10:20,882 --> 01:10:22,372
Early stages.
1319
01:10:23,985 --> 01:10:25,612
Hey, dude.
1320
01:10:25,687 --> 01:10:27,279
- Where have you been?
- Seriously, dude.
1321
01:10:27,355 --> 01:10:29,220
I was casing the joint.
1322
01:10:29,324 --> 01:10:31,053
Good news...
1323
01:10:31,159 --> 01:10:34,060
There is no guard on duty,
and there is no alarm.
1324
01:10:34,162 --> 01:10:37,063
It's almost as if they don't expect someone to break in
1325
01:10:37,165 --> 01:10:39,224
and steal their
own sperm back.
1326
01:10:41,336 --> 01:10:43,167
I have to tell you,
1327
01:10:43,238 --> 01:10:45,468
this is the craziest fucking job I've ever been on.
1328
01:10:45,540 --> 01:10:48,065
AIthough there was
one time in India,
1329
01:10:48,176 --> 01:10:51,475
when they hired me to steal
a monkey back from a barber.
1330
01:10:51,546 --> 01:10:53,207
But what they
neglected to tell me
1331
01:10:53,314 --> 01:10:56,477
was how horny
this particular monkey was.
1332
01:10:59,721 --> 01:11:02,849
Okay, back to job.
1333
01:11:02,924 --> 01:11:05,586
We go in,
we steal the semen,
1334
01:11:05,693 --> 01:11:08,685
we get out.
Ten minutes, synchronized.
1335
01:11:08,763 --> 01:11:11,027
Okay, Iet's--
Iet's do this.
1336
01:11:11,099 --> 01:11:12,396
If the cops come,
1337
01:11:12,500 --> 01:11:14,866
honk three times,
Iike this.
1338
01:11:16,404 --> 01:11:18,497
What the fuck, dude?
1339
01:11:18,573 --> 01:11:19,938
Why did you do that?
1340
01:11:20,041 --> 01:11:22,669
That is signal
to abort mission.
1341
01:11:22,744 --> 01:11:24,712
Ow, fuck, man!
1342
01:11:24,779 --> 01:11:27,873
If you Ieave without us,
I will find you.,
1343
01:11:27,949 --> 01:11:29,940
and I will kill you.
1344
01:11:30,918 --> 01:11:31,850
Let's roll.
1345
01:11:40,528 --> 01:11:41,961
I don't know, Wade.
1346
01:11:42,030 --> 01:11:44,123
I got a bad feeling
about this guy.
1347
01:11:44,232 --> 01:11:46,200
Well, that's just because
he's a criminal.
1348
01:11:46,267 --> 01:11:48,064
That's how you're
supposed to feel.
1349
01:11:51,205 --> 01:11:52,229
Shit.
1350
01:11:55,276 --> 01:11:56,402
Shit!
1351
01:11:56,477 --> 01:11:58,069
What's wrong?
1352
01:11:58,146 --> 01:12:01,411
I can't remember
the exact combination.
1353
01:12:01,482 --> 01:12:03,541
To the Iock
picking kit?
1354
01:12:03,618 --> 01:12:06,917
Yes, to the Iock
picking kit, okay?
1355
01:12:06,988 --> 01:12:09,047
Did you write it
down somewhere?
1356
01:12:09,123 --> 01:12:11,751
If I wrote it down,
I'd have the fucking thing open.
1357
01:12:11,826 --> 01:12:12,918
Maybe it's
your birthday.
1358
01:12:12,994 --> 01:12:14,484
It's not my birthday.
1359
01:12:14,595 --> 01:12:16,426
- Phone number.
- Don't make fun of me.
1360
01:12:16,497 --> 01:12:19,193
- Street address?
- What the fuck does that mean?
1361
01:12:19,267 --> 01:12:21,735
Oh, oh!
Mother's birthday.
1362
01:12:21,803 --> 01:12:23,100
Could be.
1363
01:12:35,616 --> 01:12:38,779
Don't worry,
I have an idea.
1364
01:12:48,529 --> 01:12:52,124
- Bag man for the India mafia?
- That's what I was told.
1365
01:12:52,200 --> 01:12:54,498
Okay, where do they
keep the sperm?
1366
01:12:54,602 --> 01:12:56,263
How the hell
should I know?
1367
01:12:56,337 --> 01:12:59,272
Oh, shit!
I just remembered the combination!
1368
01:12:59,340 --> 01:13:01,035
Awesome. Great.
1369
01:13:01,142 --> 01:13:02,973
We gotta split up so we can cover more ground.
1370
01:13:31,372 --> 01:13:33,169
Hello, Iady.
1371
01:13:46,754 --> 01:13:48,244
Bingo.
1372
01:14:00,101 --> 01:14:01,898
Bingo.
1373
01:14:11,612 --> 01:14:12,943
Bingo.
1374
01:14:16,784 --> 01:14:22,120
Okay. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Jackpot.
1375
01:14:22,190 --> 01:14:24,590
Macklin, Macklin...
1376
01:14:24,692 --> 01:14:26,125
Yeah, yeah.
1377
01:14:32,633 --> 01:14:34,396
Whoa, whoa!
1378
01:15:58,286 --> 01:15:59,548
Bingo.
1379
01:16:09,130 --> 01:16:10,290
What is this?
1380
01:16:31,752 --> 01:16:34,550
Okay, okay.
1381
01:16:41,228 --> 01:16:44,220
Wade! Ron Jon!
I got my sperm.
1382
01:16:46,200 --> 01:16:47,861
What are you doing?
1383
01:16:47,935 --> 01:16:50,335
I am very Ionely.
Never married.
1384
01:16:50,404 --> 01:16:51,371
We gotta get out of here.
1385
01:16:51,439 --> 01:16:52,906
No, no, no, no.
1386
01:16:55,409 --> 01:16:56,740
Where is it?
1387
01:17:00,214 --> 01:17:01,511
What?
1388
01:17:01,582 --> 01:17:04,346
Don't move.
Okay?
1389
01:17:04,418 --> 01:17:05,783
No! No!
1390
01:17:05,886 --> 01:17:06,944
Don't move!
1391
01:17:16,797 --> 01:17:19,459
Oh, shit. Fuck. Cops.
1392
01:17:21,535 --> 01:17:23,935
Ron Jon, that's the signal.
1393
01:17:24,038 --> 01:17:25,266
Let's go!
1394
01:17:32,146 --> 01:17:35,206
Okay.
1395
01:17:37,618 --> 01:17:39,643
Shit!
1396
01:17:47,395 --> 01:17:49,158
Wade, are you okay?
1397
01:17:49,230 --> 01:17:50,720
Once I'm soapy.
1398
01:17:52,767 --> 01:17:54,894
- I need some mouthwash.
- I got my sperm.
1399
01:17:54,969 --> 01:17:56,231
Awesome.
1400
01:17:56,303 --> 01:17:57,668
Where the hell
is Zig Zag?
1401
01:17:57,772 --> 01:17:59,467
Son of a bitch!
1402
01:17:59,573 --> 01:18:01,837
Don't worry.
I will kill that motherfucker.
1403
01:18:03,144 --> 01:18:05,840
Cops, cops, cops!
Go, go!
1404
01:18:07,314 --> 01:18:09,805
Holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit.
1405
01:18:09,917 --> 01:18:11,282
We gotta get the hell
out of here.
1406
01:18:11,352 --> 01:18:12,819
Yeah, we gotta go
steal a car.
1407
01:18:12,920 --> 01:18:14,080
Wait, wait, wait.
1408
01:18:14,155 --> 01:18:15,952
You cannot take the risk.
1409
01:18:16,023 --> 01:18:17,183
You have to make a baby.
1410
01:18:17,258 --> 01:18:18,919
That is your job.
1411
01:18:18,993 --> 01:18:20,187
I will go get us a car.
1412
01:18:20,294 --> 01:18:21,818
That's grand
theft auto.
1413
01:18:21,929 --> 01:18:24,523
Grand theft auto.
That is how I started.
1414
01:18:24,598 --> 01:18:27,123
Life of crime.
Very nice.
1415
01:18:30,204 --> 01:18:34,868
Can I have the addresses of all the
sperm banks in Pasadena, please?
1416
01:18:34,975 --> 01:18:37,876
No, this isn't
a crank call.
1417
01:18:37,978 --> 01:18:40,640
Ew, get your mind
out of the gutter.
1418
01:18:40,715 --> 01:18:42,046
You're gonna have
to turn up here.
1419
01:18:42,149 --> 01:18:43,980
- Which way?
- That way.
1420
01:18:44,051 --> 01:18:45,643
Really?
What is that?
1421
01:18:45,720 --> 01:18:46,778
Which way?
1422
01:18:46,854 --> 01:18:47,946
That way!
1423
01:18:50,958 --> 01:18:52,186
Wade, where is he?
1424
01:18:52,293 --> 01:18:53,817
My sperm's
gonna thaw out.
1425
01:18:53,894 --> 01:18:54,826
Shh!
1426
01:18:54,895 --> 01:18:55,725
What is that?
1427
01:19:01,902 --> 01:19:02,834
What the hell?
1428
01:19:04,305 --> 01:19:08,674
- Oh, my God.
- Come on! Let's go!
1429
01:19:08,743 --> 01:19:09,971
Get in!
1430
01:19:12,213 --> 01:19:13,908
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
1431
01:19:21,555 --> 01:19:23,079
What the fuck?
1432
01:19:23,190 --> 01:19:24,748
PIease don't hurt us!
1433
01:19:24,859 --> 01:19:26,554
Ron Jon, what are
these people doing here?
1434
01:19:26,660 --> 01:19:28,321
This was the only car
with the key in it.
1435
01:19:28,395 --> 01:19:30,192
Well, pull it over!
Pull it over right now.
1436
01:19:30,264 --> 01:19:32,027
I can't pull over.
They've already seen us.
1437
01:19:32,099 --> 01:19:35,034
- PIease don't kill us!
- We haven't seen anything.
1438
01:19:35,102 --> 01:19:37,070
Nobody's killing
anybody, okay?
1439
01:19:37,171 --> 01:19:39,196
T echnically, we really
should kill them.
1440
01:19:39,273 --> 01:19:40,604
No! No!
1441
01:19:40,674 --> 01:19:42,232
Ron Jon!
1442
01:19:42,343 --> 01:19:44,004
Okay, fine. I pull over.
Give me a minute.
1443
01:19:44,078 --> 01:19:46,012
- Dude, your sperm's melting.
- Oh, shit.
1444
01:19:46,080 --> 01:19:47,445
Ron Jon!
1445
01:19:47,548 --> 01:19:48,947
Man, I need some ice
back here.
1446
01:19:49,049 --> 01:19:50,710
This sperm is starting
to heat up.
1447
01:19:50,785 --> 01:19:52,446
Ron Jon, pull over.
Ron Jon, get me some ice.
1448
01:19:52,553 --> 01:19:54,953
Is there anything else
I can do for you, sir?
1449
01:19:55,055 --> 01:19:56,852
Okay, one second.
1450
01:19:56,924 --> 01:19:57,948
Here you go!
1451
01:19:59,927 --> 01:20:02,088
It's okay.
1452
01:20:04,265 --> 01:20:05,857
Chill out, sperm!
1453
01:20:07,635 --> 01:20:09,034
Oh, shit!
1454
01:20:09,103 --> 01:20:10,468
We are having company!
1455
01:20:10,571 --> 01:20:12,471
Oh, fuck!
1456
01:20:12,573 --> 01:20:15,133
Hold on people!
I'm going to lose him!
1457
01:20:17,244 --> 01:20:19,144
- You smell really great.
- Thank you.
1458
01:20:26,720 --> 01:20:28,415
False alarm!
1459
01:20:28,489 --> 01:20:29,922
Everything's cool.
1460
01:20:29,990 --> 01:20:32,151
- Just an ambulance.
- An ambulance?
1461
01:20:32,259 --> 01:20:33,590
Are you crazy?
1462
01:20:33,661 --> 01:20:34,958
Hey, man.
You should be happy.
1463
01:20:35,062 --> 01:20:36,757
We're home free.
We made it.
1464
01:20:36,831 --> 01:20:39,664
Congratulations.
You're going to be a daddy!
1465
01:20:39,767 --> 01:20:40,927
I am, aren't I?
1466
01:20:41,001 --> 01:20:42,593
Thank you, Ron Jon.
1467
01:20:42,670 --> 01:20:44,433
We did it, Macklin!
1468
01:20:51,312 --> 01:20:55,112
Let us have
some Iiquid celebrate!
1469
01:21:00,487 --> 01:21:01,579
Ron Jon!
1470
01:21:13,868 --> 01:21:15,597
I think I just
had a miscarriage.
1471
01:21:26,614 --> 01:21:29,048
Ow, fuck.
What the fuck, man?
1472
01:21:29,149 --> 01:21:30,548
Are you okay?
1473
01:21:33,821 --> 01:21:36,722
Hey, I was just coming
to get you, man.
1474
01:21:36,790 --> 01:21:38,724
Are you okay?
1475
01:21:38,792 --> 01:21:41,056
- I will kill you!
- Oh, fuckin' hey, dude.
1476
01:21:41,161 --> 01:21:43,493
Fuckin' hey, man!
1477
01:21:43,564 --> 01:21:44,895
I was coming back.
1478
01:21:46,634 --> 01:21:48,158
Freeze!
1479
01:21:48,235 --> 01:21:49,827
Get on the ground.
Get on the ground!
1480
01:21:49,904 --> 01:21:52,566
You're under arrest
for grand theft auto.
1481
01:21:55,009 --> 01:21:57,000
You, too, asshole!
Get down!
1482
01:21:57,077 --> 01:22:00,376
Tommy, fuck
or be fucked, bro.
1483
01:22:02,249 --> 01:22:04,183
Drop the bucket
and get down.
1484
01:22:04,251 --> 01:22:05,411
Fuck or be fucked!
1485
01:22:08,656 --> 01:22:09,748
Yeah!
1486
01:22:09,857 --> 01:22:11,518
You'II never catch him!
1487
01:22:12,359 --> 01:22:13,087
Stop!
1488
01:22:14,261 --> 01:22:15,751
SIow down!
1489
01:22:33,013 --> 01:22:34,844
I need backup.
He's still running.
1490
01:22:46,226 --> 01:22:50,629
Oh, it's close. It's close.
It's right around here.
1491
01:22:50,698 --> 01:22:53,633
What the fuck?
1492
01:22:53,701 --> 01:22:55,225
Oh, Jesus.
1493
01:22:55,302 --> 01:22:57,770
I don't even know
those guys. C'mon!
1494
01:22:59,373 --> 01:23:01,136
- Wade?
- Hey Audrey, what's up?
1495
01:23:01,208 --> 01:23:02,402
Where's Tommy?
1496
01:23:02,476 --> 01:23:03,966
Ma'am, please keep moving.
1497
01:23:04,078 --> 01:23:05,807
He's got the sperm.
He's got the sperm.
1498
01:23:05,913 --> 01:23:07,244
He went that way!
1499
01:23:18,659 --> 01:23:23,323
AII right, buddy.
Come on out.
1500
01:23:23,397 --> 01:23:24,955
I see you.
1501
01:23:28,402 --> 01:23:30,962
Come on out.
No place to go.
1502
01:23:31,071 --> 01:23:34,598
- Uh, no.
- Yeah.
1503
01:23:34,675 --> 01:23:35,972
- No.
- Yeah.
1504
01:23:36,076 --> 01:23:37,941
- No!
- You're coming out now.
1505
01:23:38,012 --> 01:23:40,276
Don't I get some, uh...
1506
01:23:40,347 --> 01:23:43,510
I got some demands.
1507
01:23:43,584 --> 01:23:45,449
Yeah, I got
a Iist of demands.
1508
01:23:45,519 --> 01:23:47,749
Okay.
1509
01:23:47,821 --> 01:23:49,846
What do you want?
1510
01:23:49,957 --> 01:23:52,357
I need a bucket
of ice.
1511
01:23:52,426 --> 01:23:55,020
That's it.
A bucket of ice.
1512
01:23:55,129 --> 01:23:57,029
How about a bucket
of chicken instead?
1513
01:23:57,097 --> 01:23:59,429
Hey, man. I need
that ice now.
1514
01:23:59,500 --> 01:24:02,628
Do you mind my asking
what you need the ice for?
1515
01:24:04,838 --> 01:24:07,966
Be--because I have
to keep my sperm cold.
1516
01:24:08,042 --> 01:24:09,532
What was that?
1517
01:24:09,643 --> 01:24:11,543
Because I have
to keep my sperm cold!
1518
01:24:11,612 --> 01:24:14,638
Your sperm
is too hot, is it?
1519
01:24:14,715 --> 01:24:17,479
There was a break in at the
sperm bank down the street.
1520
01:24:17,551 --> 01:24:22,147
God, this country just keeps
getting weirder and weirder.
1521
01:24:22,222 --> 01:24:24,383
- Call psychiatric.
- AII right.
1522
01:24:24,491 --> 01:24:28,621
Son? Is that stolen sperm
you've got there?
1523
01:24:28,695 --> 01:24:31,391
No, it's my sperm!
AII right?
1524
01:24:31,498 --> 01:24:33,363
If it's sperm
he's Iooking for,
1525
01:24:33,467 --> 01:24:35,560
there's gonna be plenty where he's headed.
Am I right?
1526
01:24:38,205 --> 01:24:41,174
Hey, Captain.
This is his wife.
1527
01:24:41,241 --> 01:24:44,074
Can I talk to him?
I can get him to come out.
1528
01:24:44,144 --> 01:24:45,668
Yeah, well you got
two minutes.
1529
01:24:45,746 --> 01:24:47,839
Then we're gonna
take him the hard way.
1530
01:24:47,915 --> 01:24:49,746
Get the battering ram.
1531
01:24:49,817 --> 01:24:51,250
Bring it in.
1532
01:24:54,188 --> 01:24:56,486
Tommy!
1533
01:25:08,035 --> 01:25:10,367
- Hi.
- Hi.
1534
01:25:12,406 --> 01:25:14,840
I got my sperm.
1535
01:25:14,908 --> 01:25:16,773
I know.
1536
01:25:16,844 --> 01:25:18,778
It's been a weird couple days,
hasn't it?
1537
01:25:21,048 --> 01:25:24,609
This is the coolest thing a guy has ever done for a girl.
1538
01:25:32,559 --> 01:25:35,119
Look, I'm sorry I got mad at you
about the pictures of Tanya.
1539
01:25:35,229 --> 01:25:37,094
I know you never would have
jerked off to them.
1540
01:25:37,197 --> 01:25:39,461
No, I'm sorry I bought your ring with beat off money.
1541
01:25:39,566 --> 01:25:42,034
And I jerked off to that stupid
picture of those cantaloupes.
1542
01:25:42,102 --> 01:25:44,900
No, I saw the cantaloupes.
They were kinda hot.
1543
01:25:46,874 --> 01:25:53,473
Audrey, I'm sorry
my sperm stopped working.
1544
01:25:53,547 --> 01:25:56,914
Don't worry about it.
1545
01:25:56,984 --> 01:26:00,249
So what do we do with this stuff?
Just shove it on up there?
1546
01:26:00,320 --> 01:26:05,087
- Yeah, I think so.
- Okay.
1547
01:26:05,159 --> 01:26:08,651
They're gonna want to take this away.
You know that, right?
1548
01:26:08,729 --> 01:26:10,287
I know.
1549
01:26:10,397 --> 01:26:13,264
And then they're gonna
put me in in jail.
1550
01:26:13,333 --> 01:26:16,496
Bring it over here!
1551
01:26:16,603 --> 01:26:19,231
Okay, take the door!
1552
01:26:19,306 --> 01:26:21,433
- Ready?
- Ready.
1553
01:26:21,508 --> 01:26:23,999
On three, two, one.
1554
01:26:29,082 --> 01:26:32,677
Hand over the jizz
and get on the ground.
1555
01:26:32,786 --> 01:26:36,244
C'mon man.
I really need this stuff.
1556
01:26:36,323 --> 01:26:37,347
Get down now!
1557
01:26:37,424 --> 01:26:39,016
Tommy.
1558
01:26:43,830 --> 01:26:46,594
Look at my dick!
Look at my penis!
1559
01:26:46,667 --> 01:26:47,531
What the...
1560
01:26:52,973 --> 01:26:56,170
Operation Desert Sperm!
1561
01:27:00,214 --> 01:27:01,306
Where's the sperm?
1562
01:27:01,381 --> 01:27:03,042
I don't know.
1563
01:27:03,116 --> 01:27:05,949
- Did you get it?
- No, I missed it!
1564
01:27:06,019 --> 01:27:07,509
- What?
- Let's go!
1565
01:27:09,823 --> 01:27:11,017
Hands behind your back.
1566
01:27:13,894 --> 01:27:15,555
I'II meet you back
at the station, okay?
1567
01:27:15,662 --> 01:27:17,493
Okay.
1568
01:27:17,564 --> 01:27:19,828
- Hey.
- What?
1569
01:27:19,900 --> 01:27:22,061
You're always with me.
1570
01:27:24,905 --> 01:27:26,634
AII right.
Let's go!
1571
01:27:38,518 --> 01:27:40,247
- Breathe!
- Okay.
1572
01:27:40,320 --> 01:27:42,015
You're doing great!
1573
01:27:42,089 --> 01:27:44,057
- Okay, we're almost there.
- You're doing great!
1574
01:27:44,157 --> 01:27:45,749
One big push.
1575
01:27:45,826 --> 01:27:47,384
We're almost there.
1576
01:27:52,599 --> 01:27:54,226
- You got the clamp?
- Yes.
1577
01:27:57,704 --> 01:27:59,934
He's beautiful.
1578
01:28:00,007 --> 01:28:06,435
- My Iittle baby.
- Very nice. Very beautiful. Very beautiful.
1579
01:28:06,546 --> 01:28:08,275
Hello, Iittle fellow.
1580
01:28:09,750 --> 01:28:12,218
Hello.
1581
01:28:12,286 --> 01:28:14,686
Yeah?
1582
01:28:14,755 --> 01:28:17,781
What?
1583
01:28:17,858 --> 01:28:20,224
Okay, yeah, yeah.
No, no, I'II tell the guys.
1584
01:28:20,294 --> 01:28:21,955
No, no, I'II tell the guys.
1585
01:28:22,029 --> 01:28:25,226
Okay. Be good.
Talk to you soon.
1586
01:28:25,299 --> 01:28:28,063
Everybody?
Got some news.
1587
01:28:28,135 --> 01:28:29,625
Ron Jon's a daddy!
1588
01:28:43,917 --> 01:28:45,976
Hey, Mama?
What's going on in here?
1589
01:28:49,323 --> 01:28:51,314
That is to the end
of breastfeeding.
1590
01:28:51,425 --> 01:28:52,756
- Hi.
- Hi.
1591
01:28:52,826 --> 01:28:54,760
You're pretty.
1592
01:28:54,828 --> 01:28:57,661
And how's my Iittle mookie?
How are you doing?
1593
01:28:57,731 --> 01:29:00,894
He's beautiful and wonderful and farty.
1594
01:29:00,967 --> 01:29:02,730
Just Iike his Daddy!
1595
01:29:02,803 --> 01:29:05,601
Daddy's a Iittle farty.
Daddy gets that way, too.
1596
01:29:05,672 --> 01:29:07,663
And there's my two
other Iittle munchkins.
1597
01:29:07,774 --> 01:29:09,503
How are you kids
doing over there?
1598
01:29:09,576 --> 01:29:11,339
Don't we make
beautiful babies together?
1599
01:29:11,445 --> 01:29:13,003
I need butt cream.
1600
01:29:13,113 --> 01:29:15,581
Okay, Mama's gonna
go get some butt cream.
1601
01:29:15,649 --> 01:29:17,810
Hey, dude.
Grab the triplets. It's time.
1602
01:29:19,152 --> 01:29:20,449
He's gonna go for you.
1603
01:29:20,520 --> 01:29:22,613
- He's ready.
- My Iittle guy.
1604
01:29:22,689 --> 01:29:24,452
Hey, Iittle man!
1605
01:29:24,524 --> 01:29:25,786
There's my big guy!
1606
01:29:25,859 --> 01:29:26,848
Hi!
1607
01:29:28,095 --> 01:29:29,187
AII right, here we go.
1608
01:29:29,296 --> 01:29:31,196
I got $12 on Emmett!
1609
01:29:31,298 --> 01:29:33,198
Okay, put him down.
1610
01:29:33,300 --> 01:29:35,791
Sammy's my boy.
He's about to clean some clocks.
1611
01:29:35,869 --> 01:29:37,928
That's him
in the yellow, right?
1612
01:29:38,004 --> 01:29:40,700
No, that's Annie in the yellow.
Is that Audrey's breastmilk?
1613
01:29:40,807 --> 01:29:42,365
Nothing but the best
for these horses.
1614
01:29:42,476 --> 01:29:45,206
AII right, now.
It's the 15-yard dash.
1615
01:29:45,278 --> 01:29:47,542
The first baby that gets
to the bottle wins.
1616
01:29:47,647 --> 01:29:48,614
You in on this action?
1617
01:29:48,682 --> 01:29:49,944
Absolutely.
1618
01:29:50,016 --> 01:29:51,176
C'mon. These babies are hot.
1619
01:29:51,284 --> 01:29:52,376
Let's go, Iet's go!
1620
01:29:52,486 --> 01:29:53,783
What's going on here?
1621
01:29:53,854 --> 01:29:55,549
Uh, we're racing
the babies.
1622
01:29:55,655 --> 01:29:56,883
Huh.
1623
01:29:56,990 --> 01:29:58,389
- I got fifty on...
- Annie?
1624
01:29:58,492 --> 01:30:00,460
Yeah.
1625
01:30:00,527 --> 01:30:02,893
Okay, Iet's make
some money.
1626
01:30:02,996 --> 01:30:06,557
On your mark, get set,
go babies, go!
117385
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.