Original subtitles

- Okay, Glenn texted that he's "rubbing a little latte,"

which is either an autocorrect issue

or a new fetish I don't wanna know about,

so let's just dive in.

In-person shopping has taken a real kick in the nuts

because of COVID, so Cloud 9 is trying to lure customers

back in here by doing something

they're calling the In-store-vaganza

Wait, did I-- did I read that right?

- Yeah, you did. It's just terrible.

- So Cloud 9 just thinks that that pandemic is over?

Because I'm pretty sure nobody told the pandemic that.

- You gotta look at it from corporate's perspective.

They love money, and they don't care if we die.

- Ah, yeah, that makes sense.

- Okay, this event is pretty straightforward.

With every purchase, they spin the wheel

and win a prize.

You'll notice there's a slot listed as "fun."

I think you're supposed to provide the customer

with fun at your own discretion.

Just, you know, keep it above the belt.

- What happens if they land on the MC Cool Cloud?

- This waking nightmare happens.

- An MC Cool Cloud collectable bobbling figure.

Legally, we can't call it a bobblehead

as his entire body does the bobbling.

- I always thought the cloud was his head

and he had no body.

- No, he's all body.

- So he has eyes in the middle of his chest.

- That's better than arms

growing out of the sides of his head.

- Oh, like hell it is.

- Hey, guys, sorry I'm late, but to kick things off,

I brought donuts. - Mmm.

- You know, help us get into the in-store-vajanza spirit.

- Oh, please, Glenn, hard G.

- Gosh, it's just so nice to be doing something positive

with all the bad news out there in the world.

Like this morning, I found out

that Bev from my church has COVID.

- Oh, no. - Oh.

- She seemed fine at choir practice last night.

I mean, she coughed a couple of times,

but I thought that was from the high note.

- No, Glenn, Glenn, you need to leave now

and isolate until you can get tested.

- But I'll miss the event.

- Glenn, I got this. You gotta go.

- Are you sure? - Yes, we're sure. Go!

- Glenn. - [sighs]

Okay, let me just spin it one time before--

all: No!

[upbeat music]

♪

- I've scheduled everyone an hour on the wheel--

well, half an hour for the real uggos.

We're trying to bring people into the store.

- Why are we walking so fast? - I'm literally winded.

- Cheyenne, you're still gonna have to stay

on top of deliveries. Produce comes at 11:00.

Bananas sit on that truck five minutes too long,

you're taking a trip to bruise town.

- You mean the bananas or me? - Mm-hmm.

- Dina, you have Justine and me at the same register,

but lady is on my last nerve today.

Can you please switch me anywhere?

- Here's what we're gonna do.

You're gonna go back and work on that register

with Justine, and you're not gonna complain about it,

because that's what you were hired to do.

I mean, unless-- were you hired to complain?

Is that your job? - No.

- Didn't think so. Have fun.

- [chuckles] - What?

- Me? Nothing.

I think Cheyenne thought you were being too harsh, but--

- I did, but don't say that.

- I'm not being harsh. I'm being firm.

Look, I get that Glenn likes to coddle everyone,

but it is my store today, so while I have the chance,

I am going to do everything the right way.

- Mm, yeah, pressure's kind of on, huh?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Just, like, you know, after all the smack

you've talked about Glenn, people kind of expect you

to kill it right out the gate.

- Not a problem for me.

I'm gonna turn this place into the most efficient machine

you have ever seen.

Yes, even more efficient

than United Alloy's aluminum extrusion press.

[chuckles] God.

- Oh, we've done 10,000 steps already.

- Oh, my God, what's the max?

- There's no-- you just keep on walking.

- Like, unlimited?

[phone ringing]

- Glenn?

- Yeah, hey, Sandra, to your left!

Hi, yeah, I can't go home yet

'cause Jerusha's still setting up the garage

for me to quarantine in.

She's gonna put me between the paint cans

and the blow-up angels.

- Oh, okay, that's nice.

- Yeah, so listen, you've got to tell me about the wheel.

Did it do that thing where it looks as though

it's gonna land on a really good prize,

but then it lands on, like, a less good prize?

Did it do that?

- I haven't seen it personally,

but I've heard that has happened.

- Really? What a rush.

Hey, what if you kept me on the phone?

That way I could hear how the event was going firsthand,

and besides, you know, the more I talk,

the less likely I am to dig into these 72 donuts.

- Oh, sure, Glenn. I'll stay on.

- Oh, great.

Sandra, it's actually 71 1/2 donuts.

I'm sorry.

- All right, go claim your prize,

and I will disinfect this again.

Oh, hey, Cheyenne, is it cool if I take off

for a few minutes around 3:00?

- Uh, yeah, sure. Why are you asking me?

- Because you're floor supervisor now.

- Oh, yeah, duh, I forgot. Yeah, that's fine.

- Great, awesome, thanks.

My dad keeps pushing me

to interview with this friend of his.

He's got, like, an opening at a roofing company or whatever.

- Oh, I might have to get the name from you.

We need some work on our roof.

Bo tried to cut out our own skylight,

and it is messed.

- Wait, you're looking for a new job?

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's not like I'm, like, dying to work in roofing.

I just gotta get my dad off my back.

He keeps telling me I have to move on.

He also keeps telling me I have to watch

the show "Yellowstone," but it looks really violent.

- Jonah, Garrett, some customers

have been complaining about a weird smell.

- Oh, yeah, it's, like, our worst smell yet.

It's like two moldy sponges puked on each other.

- Wow, that's-- that's exactly what it is.

- Okay, I'm manager today, so if they smelt it,

it's as though I dealt it.

I need you two to locate this and eliminate it.

- So just to be clear, this is cooler than roofing?

- Hmm.

[Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round [Like a Record]"]

- ♪ All I know is that to me

♪ You look like you're lots of fun ♪

♪ Open up your lovin' arms

♪ I want some--

- Marcus, why is this here?

The prize bin is supposed to be overflowing to pull people in.

That's, like, carnie 101.

- Sorry, I've just been feeling a little down lately.

- Yeah, you know what makes me feel down?

People who don't do their jobs.

- For me, it's more the virus stuff.

You know, I just became an uncle,

and I haven't even been able to meet my fat baby nephew yet.

I mean, look at those rolls.

You could lose a ChapStick in there.

You know, if I could get an extra five at lunch today,

he should be up from his nap, and I could FaceTime him--

- Yeah, wouldn't it be great if we could just

all FaceTime our fat friends anytime we wanted?

What a world that would be. - But Dina, I--

- No, if I make an exception for you, pretty soon

Preeti's gonna be wearing her sandals on the floor,

and Jay's gonna be listening to his iPod,

and this place is gonna turn into Woodstock.

- There she is.

Dina, you have to take me off of Sayid's register.

- She calls everyone "Mama."

Hey, there, Mama. Paper or plastic, Mama?

They're not your mama. Your mother lives in Sarasota.

- You just can't handle women lifting up other women.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, I can fix this, okay?

Just calm down. Everybody close your eyes.

Now take a deep breath.

[all breathe deeply]

Okay, now shut the [bleep] up and go back to work.

Unbelievable.

- The smell's gotta be coming from toys.

The stuff I've seen kids do

to these things should be illegal.

Aha!

Completely encrusted. Ugh, look at yourself.

- Go ahead. Smell that little bastard.

- [sniffs]

Nah, it's not our guy.

- Jonah, I looked up that company,

and they don't do roof repair.

They do solar panels.

I guess we could cover our hole with one,

but probably cheaper

to just stick with the mattress we found.

- Whoa, this is a total solar energy company.

Why didn't my dad say that?

They do hydronic heating too?

I wonder if they mess with geothermal.

- We're all wondering that.

- Oh, have you heard of that company, though,

that can turn anything in your house into a fish tank?

You should see if your dad knows that guy.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, that guy is pretty dope.

I heard he gives you a free fish.

- Okay, wheel's spinning.

Still spinning.

Customer looks like she's hoping it'll land

on something good, I think.

- Oh, my gosh, I feel like I'm there.

You're so good at this.

Sandra, you could do golf.

[stomach gurgles]

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

[stomach gurgles]

Go on.

- Hey, did you leave these on my desk to fax to corporate?

- Yeah, I'm writing up Justine, Marcus, and Sayid.

- A little extreme, but where it says offense,

you have to check a box.

You can't just write "actively worthless."

- But they were being actively worthless.

- Whoa, you okay there?

- [sighs]

Cheyenne had a point.

I have been criticizing Glenn for years passionately.

I like to think I've made something

of an art form out of it.

But now that it's my turn, I kind of have to be perfect,

so I just--I can't deal

with anyone's emotional nonsense today.

- I know, but the thing is,

employees here are people.

They're gonna have conflicts.

They're gonna want to complain about their lives.

It's just part of work.

- Not today, it's not.

[phone beeps]

Attention Cloud 9 employees, this is your manager.

New policy.

Starting now, there will be

absolutely no personal talk on the floor.

Work talk only. Zero tolerance.

Also, this policy is retroactive to 20 minutes ago,

so, Elias, please see me in my office.

♪

[upbeat music]

♪

- Hey, how's your day going?

- I--I'm not allowed to tell you.

- And this company puts a major focus on education.

They pay for each of their employees

to become lead certified green associates.

- Okay, well, you wanna start mopping here

before this thing becomes sentient

and starts to fight back? - Ooh.

- Oh, hey, we found something. Something liquified.

I think there might be teeth in it.

- Mm, nah, that's not the smell you're looking for.

This smells more like someone farted in a Tupperware

and left it on a hot driveway.

- You are alarmingly good at that.

- Yeah, sorry, guys. Keep looking.

- Actually, Cheyenne, would it be all right

if I took my break a little bit early?

I just kind of want to have some time

to prep for my interview.

- I thought you didn't care about that job.

- Yeah, but you know, these people

are actually making a difference.

Plus, I've been here for five years,

and I'm clearly not moving up,

so I might as well look at other options.

- Yeah, do what you gotta do. - Awesome, thank you.

Don't let that touch your bare skin.

- Mm.

- You're just gonna let him ditch?

- I mean, I feel kind of bad for him.

Like, this year's been tough enough,

and then he had the big breakup on top of it.

I caught him listening to this music in his car--

it didn't even have a beat.

It was just, like, a guitar and a man.

Like, what?

- No way. - I'm telling you.

Look at her from the side, and you can see it.

- Okay, you heard Dina's rule.

I'm guessing this gossip isn't exactly work related.

But for my files, I'll need to know what the rumor was.

It was about Sarah's nose job, wasn't it?

Because she totally got one, right?

- Well, according to Nicki--

- Save it, Janet!

I'm trying to work, and you should be too.

- Final warning, Janet.

- Ugh, anyway, you were saying?

- Does this come in any other colors?

- No idea.

I'm just trying to picture my fat nephew

squeeze into this bad boy.

Keep it between us, though.

My boss doesn't want me talking about him.

Hey, any chance you could FaceTime him

while I secretly watch?

- Uh, I--I'm not gonna do that.

- Please, I need this. He's so fat.

- Dang, another empty one. Just more moldy cheese.

- Cheer up, we'll find a dead rat in the next one.

- Whoa, once you're away from it and you come back,

the smell really hits you.

- Yeah, hits you pretty hard

when you're here the whole time too.

- Yeah, I'm so glad you're back.

I need to tag out.

- Oh, actually, I was kind of hoping

to prep for my interview a little bit more.

It's kind of my deep, dark secret,

but I've never stayed awake

through "An Inconvenient Truth,"

so I gotta go watch that.

- It's just, I've been covering for you for a while,

and I have to go do other stuff too.

- Yeah, totally, but I already changed shirts, you know,

so I was kind of hoping to be fully off smell-hunting.

- Okay, fine. - Yeah, sure.

I mean, you know, buttons are permanent,

and once you have a shirt on, there's no way to change it.

- What is with you? - It's uncool, man.

You're ditching us.

- Oh, is that what this is all about?

Buddy, we can still hang out even when I go to my new job.

- I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about you bailing on work.

- You bail on work all the time.

- I don't bail on work. I half-ass it.

There's a difference. - Okay, you're not getting it.

I have an opportunity

that I'm actually psyched about,

and I'm sorry, but that's a little more important to me

than finding out what smells.

- Well, good luck with your interview, buddy.

- Thank you.

- I was being sarcastic, and it came off supportive.

- Yeah, it's okay. - I know.

- Okay, we're ready for you, Mama.

[register beeps]

What, you got something to say?

- No, I'm not allowed.

- Cash or credit, Mama?

- [groans]

[thud]

- Oh, God, I'm so sorry!

That might have been a COVID donut, sir.

- I don't understand what the--

[phone ringing]

Ugh.

Glenn. - Dina.

How's it going in there?

Oh, my first week as manager,

I was so stressed, all of my leg hair fell off.

You know, I thought about getting into swimming

'cause, you know, it's supposed to be--

- I'm not stressed at all.

It's going great.

I've kind of adopted a North Korean model,

and I think people are really responding to that.

- Oh, cool.

- Hey, uh, we just need you inside real quick.

- Oh, my God. - Is she your mother?

Is she? - Leave me alone!

- Stop saying "mama"!

- Nope.

- I didn't say anything vulgar. - Sayid, seriously?

- I told you I couldn't work with her!

- Are you the manager?

'Cause your employee's harassing me.

- Dude, if it's too awkward,

just FaceTime your own baby, and I'll watch.

- Also, I don't know if you've noticed,

but there is a really gross smell here today.

- I noticed!

- I can't believe people refuse to follow one simple rule.

- Yeah, maybe because that rule was really insane?

This job is hard enough.

People need to talk, to vent, to feel heard.

It's like they're emotionally constipated,

and some of them are very physically bloated as well.

- What, so because I'm manager, I have to help people

poop their emotions all over the place?

- You know what?

Glenn's still in the parking lot,

and honestly, he lives for this stuff.

Maybe people can go out there and, you know,

he can handle that part of the job.

- Uh-uh, no way. I don't need Glenn's help.

If listening is part of the job description,

then I'm gonna be like...

- Like what? - Like that.

I was listening.

- Oh...okay.

- Glenn, I'm sorry, but I'm in electronics,

so I can't see the wheel.

Plus, I'm not supposed to be talking.

- Real quick.

I just had a few ideas

for when the wheel lands on "fun."

Okay, can you just FaceTime me?

'Cause it's kind of more of a dance.

- Meeting, break room, now.

[skeleton screeches]

- Sandra, what is going on in there?

I hear screaming.

- I will slaughter you all!

- Sandra, be careful. That lady sounds like bad news!

- Okay, gang,

it's been brought to my attention

that my no-talking policy

may have been a little extreme.

Okay, I heard that. You were all heard.

So new rule:

talking about our feelings is now encouraged.

Your manager is listening.

[people murmuring]

Come on, talk!

Marcus, I know you have something.

What was it? Your nephew's dead?

- Fat. [sighs]

I'm afraid he's gonna grow

into those juicy thighs any day now,

and I'm gonna miss it all. - Okay.

Thank you, Marcus.

Let's all come together for Marcus.

If you have fat baby photos, send 'em his way.

- Skateboard fail videos help too.

They're hilarious.

- Okay, love this.

Seems great, but maybe we should set some ground rules.

- Yeah, like won't it get really awkward

if we all say how we really feel about Corey's new hat?

- I watched a tutorial on how to cut my own hair.

I need a week. - Okay, I got this.

Look, what I'm hearing is Corey's hat is a bummer.

[people murmuring]

But Corey's new haircut

might be an even bigger bummer, yeah?

- Mm. - That's true.

- Who's next? - I'll go.

- Mm-hmm. - I also hate Corey's hat.

- Yeah, okay, we've already explored the hat.

- I feel as though my language is being policed.

Like, I should be able to call people mama or girlfriend

or "my bad biatch." - Should you?

- I keep putting my funny bumper stickers

on Sandra's locker, and she keeps peeling 'em off,

and it hurts. - Okay.

- They say, "I heart musty balls,"

and it just doesn't really reflect my opinions.

- Sandra, Earl's in pain.

This is not about defending yourself.

We are here to listen. - Wait.

People aren't allowed to defend themselves?

Then I have a ton of stuff.

- Okay, maybe we wrap this up.

- As long as we're airing things out,

has anyone noticed anything different

about Sarah's face?

- This I think we should hear out.

- Oh, my gosh, I didn't get a nose job.

I got new glasses and a freakin' haircut.

- Girl, obviously. [chuckles]

[whispers] No way, it's a thing.

- They're a huge water drain,

and they're already designed to get sun,

so I say turn every golf course into a solar farm.

And I realize that killing golf

is a risky suggestion to make in the business world, but--

- I'd be all for that. I hate golf.

- Awesome, yeah.

You know, I'm sorry.

I don't even know why I started talking about that.

- No worries.

My best ideas come when my mind wanders.

- Yeah, right, right?

Just try and stop this mind from wandering.

[chuckles]

But not in, like, an attention deficit disorder situation.

Although there really shouldn't be a stigma--

um, what is your timeline for making this decision?

- Decision?

- Uh, for the job that I'm interviewing for.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Jonah.

I was under the impression this would just be

a "pick my brain" type thing.

Your dad said it might be helpful,

get you motivated?

- Oh, you were doing it for my dad.

Uh, well, I mean, as long as we're here,

you know, any chance you're hiring?

- I mean, we are, but you spent the last five years

working in retail.

You don't have any corporate experience.

In this hiring market, it'd be tough

to justify bringing you on.

- Oh, I see, right.

Well, but I did-- I did go to business school.

- Oh, really? I didn't see that on here.

When did you graduate?

- I, uh, didn't.

- Okay, it was nice meeting you, Jonah.

Stay safe.

- But I absorbed a lot of concepts.

[laptop beeps]

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

- Okay, you know what?

Garrett totally stole my look, and no one is talking about it.

- How is this your look?

- Not the look I have now. The look I was gonna go for.

- Okay, guys, the goal is not to fight.

- I think Jerry should have ended up with Carol!

[all gasp] - How dare you!

- Okay, okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!

All right, that's our time! This was good.

Is everybody good? We're good?

- Are you kidding? You made everything worse.

- Yeah, and now I have to go back out and work

next to someone who thinks I ate a curly fry off the ground.

- I saw what I saw.

- Okay, all right, new rule: no one can be mad

about whatever was said in this room, okay?

You just have to all go out there and act normal.

So, uh...break!

- Ugh, this whole day sucks.

- Yeah, Dina, I'm sorry, no offense,

but I've never seen anyone worse at this job.

[people murmuring]

- Yeah, when's Glenn coming back?

[people murmuring]

- Don't let 'em get you down, Mama.

- Jesus, Justine, take a note!

♪

- Okay, so now that we got it, what do we do with it?

- I think we just drive, like, 30 miles out of town

and dump it.

- Oh, hey, you solved the smell, huh?

- Uh, yeah, but you don't want to get any closer.

Protect the shirt at all costs.

- The shirt actually ended up not mattering.

I am apparently not a qualified candidate,

but you know, don't worry.

They said they wouldn't keep me in mind.

Uh, I'm sorry, guys.

I got ahead of myself, I think, and I guess I was just excited

to be excited about something.

- Yeah, whatever. Solar's just a fad anyways.

It's gonna be all about the moon before you know it.

- Look, I get it.

I've been rejected from GameStop, like, four times.

Think I just want it too bad.

But hey, we get to keep you here,

and next mystery scent is all yours.

- Thanks, that's comforting.

Uh, so what was it?

- We don't know.

It looked kind of like an inside-out otter.

- Yeah, we should probably donate it to science,

but we're just gonna toss it.

- Look, today was a little bumpy,

but hey, sales are up.

We gave out a ton of those bobbleheads.

God forgive us.

- We basically had a mutiny on our hands.

People wanted Glenn back.

I even lost Cheyenne, and she'd follow a balloon

with a smiley face on it...

which is basically what Glenn is.

Man, I just thought I'd be so good at this.

- I'm sorry.

Do you wanna talk about it?

- I just did.

Oh, you mean more?

God, no.

Look, I don't understand why everybody wants

to talk everything to death.

Like, whatever happened to just taking a baseball bat

to your neighbor's trash can?

- Okay. [scoffs]

Well, do you wanna, like, go smash something?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

[all cheering]

How do you feel, Justine? - Amazing.

I have been wanting to hit something with a bat

since the "Lemonade" video.

- Hit it! [people cheering]

[rock and roll music]

- Bring back "Vampire Diaries"!

- The hat was a gift!

♪

- Oh, we're doing this because we--

- No, don't need to know.

- ♪ Today is

♪ Today is

all: Oh!

- Okay, man!

♪

- Yeah!

[all cheering]

- No, honey, just put two weeks' worth of ham

in the garage, and then I can--what?

Why?

[people cheering]