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- I'll be right with you. (audience laughs)

Sorry, I'm almost done. (laughs)

I'm writing a really funny monologue.

Nobody is a bigger fan of my work than I am.

(audience laughs) Well, hello!

Thanks for coming tonight!

(audience cheers) (audience applauds)

Yes!

I'm Del Shores, and I am a storyteller.

Ah, this is full circle for me.

Back in the theater.

This is where I started as an actor.

In fact, in 1985 I was on stage right next door

at the McCadden Place Theater

in my very first play, "Cheatin'"

in the role of Clarence Hopkins,

a role I selfishly wrote for myself. (audience laughs)

But I had more stories to tell, so I wrote more plays,

and then film, and then television.

And then I started started directing, and then

standing right back on stage telling stories.

So storyteller covers everything.

All right, tonight is my 77th show

here at the Celebration Theatre in Hollywood, California.

33 cities, once at sea,

and I have stepped on a lot of stages and sets.

Now, this one kinda looks like Brother Boy's closet.

(audience laughs) (audience claps)

So I feel right at home.

Now, for those of you who do not know who I am,

what crazy "Sordid Lives" fan

brought you to the theater tonight?

(audience laughs)

No worries, just Google me after the show.

Just make sure you put quotes around Del Shores,

otherwise you're gonna get a lot of condominium complexes

in Florida. (audience laughs)

It's a cool picture, huh?

Yeah, I don't write at a typewriter anymore.

I wrote my first two plays on a Selectric II.

Oh, you had to think long and hard

about making edits back then.

All right, "Six Characters in Search of a Play."

That is the name of this one man show.

The title was inspired by the classic Luigi Pirendello play

"Six Characters in Search of an Author."

All right, some of y'all look confused. (audience laughs)

Luigi Pirendello was an Italian dramatist, novelist, poet.

He was born in the 1800s, and

oh, never mind. (audience laughs)

I promise,

that is as highbrow as we're gonna get tonight.

When I was a boy growing up in Winters, Texas,

I was a big fat liar.

A fleshy little storyteller who wore Husky jeans.

(audience laughs) Oh yeah, it all tracks back.

Now my daddy was a Southern Baptist preacher,

and my mother was the high school drama teacher.

And y'all, I am so fucked up! (audience laughs)

And they named me Delferd.

D-E-L-F-E-R-D.

No no, they didn't even spell it right.

Can you imagine looking at a baby boy?

Delferd. (audience laughs)

That is the best I can do.

Black people even feel sorry for me!

But, all that damage gave me a career.

Now my daddy's side of the family were Southern Baptist.

And oh, they were good Christians.

They were boring. (audience laughs)

Now, my mama's side of the family,

they were also Southern Baptist,

but they were the back-slidin' Baptists.

They were the honky-tonkers, the fornicators.

Lots of pills, and prisons, and amputees.

Illegitimate babies.

Oh, they were the kind of Baptists

that had to walk down the aisle on Sunday nights

during the invitational hymn.

♪ Just as I am without one plea ♪

To rededicate their lives to the Lord Jesus Christ!

I gravitated towards the sinners. (audience laughs)

Now, when I was little bitty boy,

I would come in with these big whopping lies.

Oh, Daddy, guess what I did today?

I flew over Rattlesnake Mountain

on a wild turkey with Aunt Sissy!

Yes, as a child I sounded a lot like

Leslie Jordan. (audience laughs)

And when me and Aunt Sissy got to the other side,

we had a tea party with Jesus, and the disciples,

and my doll Susie Q.

And then we smoked Aunt Sissy's Bel Air cigarette,

and we saved a Raleigh coupon

so I could get me a Chatty Cathy Doll

so Susie Q can have a friend!

And my poor ol' daddy.

Son, please don't tell stories.

But my mama, and my Aunt Sissy,

and my Uncle Abo, and my Uncle Humpty,

and my Nana, and my Paw Paw,

and my Mama Merck, and my Buster Daddy, and my Uncle Rat,

all the heathens on my mama's side the family,

they would ask,

What else happened, Delferd? (audience laughs)

And I think that's why I became a writer,

because as a child

I was encouraged to lie. (audience laughs)

But tonight, I'm gonna to prove to y'all

that I'm not a writer at all, I am a storytelling thief.

And I'm gonna introduce you

to a menagerie of six real people,

who I have met, who have inspired me,

but I haven't found a place for in my plays,

or my films or my TV shows, not yet.

But someday, maybe you're gonna be watching

some shit I've written. (audience laughs)

Oh my God, that goddamn Del Shores was tellin' the truth.

Well, my version of the truth.

To quote Mark Twain,

"Never let the truth get in the way of a good story."

Character number one, Sarah.

An elderly actress

determined to drink and smoke herself to death

before Trump is elected. (audience laughs)

In 2001, the world,

well, most of the gay world,

fell in love with Juanita Bartlett,

everybody's favorite barfly in my movie "Sordid Lives."

Now we lost the wonderful actress, Sarah Hunley,

who played Juanita in 2016

right after I filmed "A Very Sordid Wedding."

She never got to see the film.

But before Sarah died, she gave me permission

to talk about her on stage.

Del, (audience laughs)

if you can make money

and make people laugh

by talkin' shit about me, (inhales)

then do it! (exhales)

My good friend Leslie Jordan

introduced me to Sarah years ago.

Oh Delferd, I just did this play reading

with this very odd actress from Harriman, Tennessee

that you are just gonna love!

Now she's very specific, (audience laughs)

but Lord, honey, she is perfect for your crazy shit.

So, Sarah and I met, and oh, Lord have mercy,

Leslie Jordan was right, she was perfect for my crazy shit.

So, in 1993 I wrote her a role in my third play,

"Daughters of The Lone Star State."

It was an all women's comedy

set in a small Texas town about racism.

The privileged helping the underprivileged

was the club's ridiculous motto.

Now Sarah played Lola Faye Barnes,

the most pitiful woman in Lowake, Texas,

and she walked away with the reviews.

The "LA Times" said, "Sarah Hunley is so real

"that she's scary." (audience laughs)

She got an agent

and a bizarre Hollywood character actress career was born.

And Sarah and I bonded.

She became part of my family.

She reminded me of the good crazy

on my mama's side of the family.

Oh, we had so many interesting conversations. (chuckles)

After that play closed, she called me one night, crying.

There was a very good chance that she had been drinking.

(audience laughs)

Del, this is Sarah.

I am so upset about something.

Oh my God Sarah, what's wrong?

I truly thought that someone had died!

I got an audition.

Well, Sarah, that's a good thing, you're an actress.

No, it's not a good thing!

The name of the character is Ugliest Woman Alive.

(audience laughs)

Okay, (laughs) like y'all,

I wanted to laugh, but I was trying to be a good friend.

Okay, Sarah, it's okay.

You are a character actress.

Just don't wear any makeup and dress down.

I am just so mad at my agent.

I said, "How could you submit me

"for such a role?" (inhales)

And he said, "I didn't submit you, you were requested!

(audience laughs)

"They saw you in that Del Shores play."

The next day (chuckles) Sarah goes to the casting office,

you know, to pick up the sides, the audition material.

She walks up to the assistant casting director.

Excuse me, but I am here to pick up the sides

for the Ugliest Woman Alive.

Oh, yeah, they're here somewhere, let me see.

Excuse me, could you look up for just a minute please?

Am I ugly enough for this role, (audience laughs)

or shall I dress down?

Oh, you're fine.

(audience laughs) (audience claps)

She called me a couple of days later.

Well, I did not get the Ugliest Woman Alive.

(inhales)

I don't know whether to be happy or upset. (exhales)

(audience laughs) (audience applauds)

Sarah and I continued

our personal and professional relationship.

"Sordid Lives" the movie came out in 2001,

and then she got to reprise the role of Juanita on stage

for the national tour in 2006, then again in 2008

when "Sordid Lives: The Series" aired on Logo.

And Juanita became a Halloween costume,

and at "Sordid Lives" theme parties,

oh, people were making Cockadoodles

with missing beans and lentils

and hanging them on their kitchen walls.

And Sarah became a star in the gay world,

and she loved our community.

Sarah and I got really close the last few years of her life.

And we got really, really close

during the 2016 presidential election.

Sarah was a Yellow Dog Democrat.

Y'all know that term?

It's a Southern term,

it means that you will vote for a yellow dog

over any Republican. (audience laughs)

I am a rabid Yellow Dog Democrat.

I remember, Sarah once said to me:

Del, when I find out that someone is a Republican,

it's real hard for me to like 'em anymore.

I retorted:

Well Sarah, I have a rule about Republicans.

You can fuck 'em if they're hot

but you cannot marry them!

Oh Del, is your mind ever out of the gutter?

No. (audience laughs)

Sarah was the first person that I can remember

who predicted that Donald Trump would win the election.

Oh, this was way back in the primaries.

She started smoking and drinking more

and watching CNN nonstop, pausing only occasionally

to flip over to the Game Show Network

where she would catch old "Super Passwords"

and "Tattle Tales."

She loved Bert Convy. (audience laughs)

Oh Del, he's so handsome.

I never had the heart

to tell her he was dead. (audience laughs)

When we finally raised enough money

to green light "A Very Sordid Wedding,"

I got very concerned

that Sarah was not gonna be able to do the film,

because she had gotten pretty feeble

and her drinking had accelerated.

I was doing this little six-city tour in Florida

and I would call her every day from the road, you know,

just to check on her

and give her a chance to rant about

Donald Trump and those goddamn Republicans!

Del, he's gonna win.

And he is a mean asshole. (inhales)

And everybody that's gonna vote for him,

they're mean assholes too! (exhales)

This whole country is just full of mean assholes,

especially in the South.

I am so ashamed to be from the South lately. (inhales)

Why are Southerners so proud of their ignorance?

(exhales) (audience laughs)

I'm just gonna will myself to die because I cannot bear

to see Donald Trump become president!

Well Sarah, you can't die yet, we gotta make this movie!

I mean, your fans want Juanita back.

You cannot disappoint your fans.

Well, you better hurry!

(audience laughs) (audience applauds)

I got back to Los Angeles and I told Emerson Collins,

my producing partner, about these conversations.

And he goes:

Well, you have to go see her.

You have to make sure she tapers off on the wine.

I mean, we don't need her completely sober,

but she's gonna have to be able to walk! (audience laughs)

Okay, Emerson, I got this!

So that Saturday, I stopped by the Subway.

All Sarah lived on in the end were Subway sandwiches,

iced Gallo white wine and True Menthol cigarettes.

I arrived at her tiny little apartment in Studio City.

She answered the door just as Burt Convy

was congratulating a winning couple.

We hugged, she turned the TV off,

and I moved over a stack of unopened mail

and sat by her on the couch.

I glanced in front of me at her coffee table,

where she had a massive ashtray

just packed full of cigarette butts, you know,

one of those you have to dump once a day.

Next to that was a very large paper clip,

and next to that was a big blue tumbler full of iced Gallo,

with a straw in it, and next to that was an inhaler.

Sarah's routine was that she would light a cigarette,

and she would take a few puffs,

then she would go into this hacking fit.

She would then take the paperclip,

and flick the lit ash off,

because you cannot crush out a cigarette,

otherwise it will not taste good when you re-light it.

She would then take her finger,

put it on the end of the straw, get a little wine in it,

put the lit ash out.

Because she was petrified

of burning down her apartment, because

"My sister Margaret

"fell asleep in her Lazy Boy smoking. (inhales)

"Burned her house down!" (exhales).

This was 40 years ago.

Still hacking, she would then take the inhaler,

give herself a couple of hits, (inhales)

then she would chase that down

with a big gulp of iced Gallo.

The hacking would subside,

then she would relight the used cigarette. (audience laughs)

And we'd have about five minutes to have a conversation

before this whole routine would start up all over again.

Sarah, there's something that I need to talk to you about.

Well, this sounds real important. (inhales)

What is it that you need to talk to me about? (exhales)

Well, um, every time that I call you from the road,

it feels as if you're very intoxicated.

Well, (inhales)

what time have you been calling? (audience laughs)

About four or five in the afternoon.

Well, (inhales)

You're gonna have to start calling earlier.

(audience laughs)

Sarah kept her word.

She died October the 5th, 2016.

One month and three days before Donald fuckin' Trump

was elected to be the 45th president of the United States.

She was right.

He's a mean asshole!

I miss you, old girl.

Character number two. (audience member cheers)

Thank you. (audience applauds)

Marsha.

A monkey-hating lesbian with COPD. (audience laughs)

A few years ago I was having dinner

with my friends Patrick, and Kevin,

and Joe, Pat, Ward, and Kyle

in this Dallas restaurant called Cyclone,

it's not there no more,

and this very drunk guy staggers up to our booth.

Excuse me, but my friends over there told me

that you are a minor gay celebrity.

(audience laughs)

Who the hell are you?

All right, let's break that down. (laughs)

Minor gay celebrity.

According to the latest Gallop poll,

4.1% of the all the US population identifies LGBT.

That seems a little low, right?

All right, so let's throw in some uh,

like 3% for the closet cases,

bring that up to 7%.

That means that I would be a minor celebrity

within 7% of the population. (audience laughs)

Hey, I'll take it!

There are perks.

I can wander into any gay bar, get recognized,

free drinks all night long.

I have been Grand Marshal in many gay pride parades.

I can be walking down the street in any gayborhood

and some drunk queen'll spot me and scream out,

"Hey, Del Shores,

"do you see my pussy now?"

(audience laughs) (audience clapping)

Gay flight attendants.

Oh my god, you're Del Shores!

I love Sordid Lives!

Hey, come with me, there's an empty seat in first.

So, yeah, there's some perks. (audience laughs)

All right, there, now there are some negatives too.

I can no longer be an anonymous slut

on all these gay apps like Grindr, and Scruff, and Growlr,

but as some of y'all know, I don't give a shit anymore.

I'm on all of 'em now! (laughs)

I figure at this point at my age,

getting laid is a much bigger priority than my privacy.

Now don't check your phones!

I'm 25 feet away. (audience laughs)

I'll unlock after the show!

All right, picture it.

Nashville, 2005.

Leslie Jordan and I are sitting in a booth

in a park at a gay pride festival.

Now Leslie is the Grand Marshal

and I am the keynote speaker.

And we're signing autographs, and taking pictures

and this very large, drunk lesbian

who had no friends to tell her not to wear that tube top

(audience laughs) spots Leslie.

Oh my God, oh my God, it's Brother Boy!

Oh, I love you so much,

and I love "Sordid Lives!"

Will you sign my titty?

Now as a minor gay celebrity,

we will sign anything you ask us to

We travel with Sharpies. (audience laughs)

So Leslie goes:

I sure will, honey!

What is your name?

Brenda.

So Leslie writes,

"Dear Brenda, do you see my pussy now?

"Love, Leslie Jordan."

That's how big her titty was.

Now, (audience laughs)

so Leslie's always so sweet, he throws me a bone.

Oh, well Brenda, this is Del Shores.

He wrote "Sordid Lives," he created Brother Boy.

Oh my God, oh my God, I love you!

Will you sign my other titty?

And then for some reason she told me

her mama was in the hospital battling breast cancer.

That's what you call ironic.

So I wrote, "Dear Brenda,

"healing thoughts for your mama.

"All my sordid best.

"Love, Del Shores."

That's how big her other titty was.

Brenda runs off screaming,

I'm never gonna wash my titties again!

I'm never gonna wash my titties again! (audience laughs)

A couple of years later, I'm back in Nashville,

performing at a club there, and after my show

I'm sitting at the merch table, ya know,

signing and selling my shit.

And uh, this very drunk fan...

Are y'all noticing a pattern here? (audience laughs)

I gotta lotta drunk fans.

I think there are a couple here tonight.

This drunk fan comes up to the merch table,

Hey, I seen you sign that lesbian's tit

at Gay Pride,

and you said you would sign anything.

Well, sign this!

And he pulled out his dick! (man cheers)

At my merch table! (audience laughs)

Wearing no underwear, just a cock ring

that was not helping on any level. (audience laughs)

Well, I stare at it,

Well, to quote my favorite playwright Tennessee Williams,

"I can initial it."

(audience laughs) (audience shouts)

As a minor gay celebrity, we take lots of,

okay, how can I word this, um,

we take lots interesting gigs

when there's money involved,

because we gotta make a living.

I was hired to perform standup

at the Resurrection MCC Church in Houston, Texas.

And oh y'all, I was so excited

to perform standup in a church.

They let me say fuck!

It's very cathartic for this preacher's kid.

So my manager gets a call from a club owner there,

The Guava Lamp, who asked

if I would be willing to make an appearance at his club

the night before my gig at the church.

Ya know, kind of a meet and greet

Del Shores cross-promotional kinda thing.

Well, how much?

Well they're offering you $350.

(scoffs) That is so insulting!

I'll do it for $500,

free Tito's and an Uber ride. (audience laughs)

Deal was closed!

So I arrive at The Guava Lamp

and there's a nice crowd there,

and they set up this little step and repeat.

And, as I am signing autographs and taking pictures,

I look up and there is this very butch lesbian

pushing an oxygen tank with a tube up her nose

coming my way.

Del fuckin' Shores! (wheezes)

I'm Marsha and I am your biggest fan.

Oh, I've seen "Sordid Lives" about a hundred million times.

Your movie got me off of antidepressants!

"Sordid Lives" is my (wheezes) Prozac.

Thank you, Marsha, I've never heard that one before.

I'll be right back.

I'm gonna go get my copy of "Sordid Lives"

for you to sign it

and step out for a (wheezes)

cigarette. (audience laughs)

So, as Marsha's taking a little smoking break,

I look across the club

and there is this gay couple

sitting in a booth with a monkey. (audience laughs)

No, I kid you not.

There was a real monkey at my meet and greet.

It was one of those like in "The Little Rascals."

A Capuchin.

A real cute little monkey.

My God, is that a monkey?

Yes, well, we actually three monkeys,

but they would only allow us to bring one tonight.

All of our monkeys are huge "Sordid Lives" fans.

Oh, we put your movie on and they just scream and holler.

Their favorite character is Brother Boy.

Y'all, I had crossed over into the animal kingdom!

(audience laughs) (audience applauds)

I mean, okay, yes, now there was a parrot a few years ago

in Palm Springs that could say,

"Shoot 'er, Wardell, shoot 'er in the head."

(audience laughs) (audience clapping)

But now, monkeys!

So they introduced me to Cody, my monkey fan,

and told me that Cody got to come because

"Cody is your biggest fan of all three of our monkeys."

You know those people who start talking for their pets?

Cody would love to have a picture with you.

Cody just loves him some Del Shores!

All right, as a minor gay celebrity,

I will take a picture anytime I'm asked.

But I explained to them

that I was a little scared of monkeys

because when I was a kid my best friend Shirley,

who lived two doors down,

she had this mail-order spider monkey named Bunky.

And when Shirley would walk Bunky,

that monkey would jump on me and bite me!

Oh, oh no, no, Cody has never bitten anybody.

Cody would certainly never bite Del Shores.

(audience laughs)

All right, I am a people pleaser.

I am a codependent.

All that Baptist damage.

I wrote a line in my play and my film,

"Southern Baptist Sissies,"

"I am so fucking codependent, when I die,

"somebody else's life is gonna flash before my eyes."

(audience laughs)

So I was instructed to take Cody's leash

and he would jump on my shoulder

and they could get the picture.

So, as instructed, I take Cody's leash.

Well, that damn monkey jumps on my shoulder,

then on my head, then on my other shoulder,

then he's back on my head,

acted like I was a damn tree, then he starts putting

his nasty little monkey hands in my mouth. (audience laughs)

And they're just taking pictures.

Cody be still, Cody be still!

Oh, they're blurry!

No shit!

So finally, one of 'em told me

if I would put my hand on Cody's chest,

it would calm him down and they could get the picture.

So, as instructed, I put my hand on Cody's chest.

Well that little fucker grabs my middle finger and bites it!

So now blood is spewing, I grab my middle finger,

they're still trying to get the shot.

Cody, I cannot believe that you bit Del Shores!

Cody be still, Cody be still!

And, and I'm still posing (audience laughs)

'cause I'm a fucking codependent.

Finally, oh, we got a good one!

Whew!

So as I return Cody to his daddies, Marsha,

who has finished her cigarette break,

she comes rushing over, pushing that oxygen tank, yelling.

We gotta get Del Shores medical attention!

We gotta tend to Del Shores's (wheezes)

monkey bite!

No, Marsha, I'm fine,

I've caused enough chaos for tonight.

No, you are not fine!

Monkey bites are very, very dangerous!

We gotta get that monkey bite into some whiskey

so we can disinfect the (wheezes) monkey bacteria.

Marsha, I'm just, I'm just gonna go wash it out

in the bathroom, I'm fine.

No you are not fine!

There was a woman over in Pasadena,

she cut her finger gardening,

she got Septis and (wheezes)

died! (audience laughs)

Richard, pour a glass of whiskey

so we can disinfect Del Shores's (wheezes) monkey bite!

Well at this point, I see the owners of the monkey

sneaking out the front door with Cody,

because I'm pretty sure that Marsha

had scared the shit out of them

and they thought I was gonna sue.

Richard, the bartender, pours a glass of whiskey.

Marsha grabs my middle finger

and shoves it into the straight whiskey.

(gasps) - Oh!

- Oh my God. (audience laughs)

Have you ever had an open wound in straight whiskey?

To quote my good friend Miss Coco Peru,

"It burns!" (audience laughs)

After a full minute of excruciating pain, Marsha announces:

The monkey bite has been (wheezes)

disinfected. (audience laughs)

She takes my finger, wipes off the blood,

bandages it and so sweetly asks:

Can I get a picture with Del Shores now?

Oh, well of course, Marsha.

You just saved my life!

Just give me a minute to take this tube outta my nose.

It does not (wheezes)

photograph well! (audience laughs)

Oh, the life of a minor gay celebrity.

(audience applauds) I have a picture for y'all!

(audience laughs) (audience applauds)

This is the winning shot.

This is the keeper.

Now notice me holding my bit middle finger,

which I use often! (audience laughs)

Character number three, Loraine.

A once-brilliant drama teacher

who has lost her mind and is now obsessed with porn.

All right, let's talk about my mama. (audience laughs)

Loraine Shores.

Aww, look how beautiful she was.

And look at that hair.

That is some Texas hair!

My mother was perhaps...

Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna rephrase that.

My mother was the biggest influence

on my life and my career.

She uh, inspired the character of Lurlene in my play

and my film, "Daddy's Dyin': Who's Got the Will?"

That was her whole family, and she inspired the character

of Latrelle in "Sordid Lives."

I often describe my mama as a loving,

controlling bitch. (audience laughs)

But when I came out, my mother was my very first ally.

And yes, just like Ty and Latrelle in "Sordid Lives,"

we did have this conversation.

Del, what exactly is it

that you do

when you're gay? (audience laughs)

My God, mother,

I hope you are not asking me about my sex life!

Well, if I'm gonna have a gay son,

I need to know about gay sex.

Well then read a book, Mama!

I don't ask you what happens

in the privacy of your own bedroom.

I'll tell you exactly what happens.

Nothin'! (audience laughs)

And yes, she did ask:

Are you the woman or the man?

But there is a period of my mother's life

that I have never written about,

and I have never talked about publicly,

'cause it's just too damn hard.

It's the last two years of her life.

I like to call 'em Mama's crazy years.

Delferd, this is your mother.

Every conversation that we ever had

started with, "Delferd, this is your mother,"

because otherwise I would not know. (audience laughs)

Have you been watchin' the news lately?

Have you seen where those convicts

have escaped from the pen over in Huntsville?

Oh, yes, ma'am, the Texas Seven.

Uh huh, well, I aim to capture 'em.

I have been target practicing out back with your Daddy

with my new Lady Smith, I out-shot him today.

They are gonna regret the day

that they stepped foot on my property.

Yes, Loraine Shores had officially gone crazy.

My mother had started hallucinating

and suffering from extreme paranoia.

But lately, all of her hallucinations

seemed to involve her new Lady Smith

that my daddy had bought her at the Walmart

for their 45th anniversary.

Hey, it's Texas! (audience laughs)

Oh my mother was quite the marksman when I was a little boy.

We lived on a farm right outside of Winters, Texas

at the foot of Rattlesnake Mountain.

Now mother would keep a .22 by the kitchen sink,

you know, to kill snakes and sometimes supper.

She'd be washing dishes, and she'd see a squirrel

in one of the trees from her window

she had conveniently removed the screen from,

she would grab the gun and shoot the poor little squirrel.

Bam!

We'd hear the shot

and Mother would come barreling out the back door

Boys, I got it!

She'd scoop up the squirrel, dress it,

and in a matter of hours, we would have fried squirrel

smothered in white gravy on the table. (audience laughs)

Do not judge me!

Loretta Lynn has a possum recipe in her cookbook!

You don't believe me, Google it!

"You're Cookin' It Country" Page 163.

Butcher Holler Possum.

First ingredient, one good size possum.

Serves six. (audience laughs)

Rattlesnake Mountain days

were before Jesus called my daddy to preach

and before we moved to Brownwood, Texas

where, uh, my parents attended Howard Payne University.

Now Daddy majored in religion,

but Mother majored in speech and drama,

and she was finally was able to cultivate

that brilliant, creative mind.

Now Mama did not capture the Texas Seven,

and she got real depressed.

She seemed to have lost her purpose.

She stayed angry most of the time,

and she took it out on my poor daddy.

She ended up trying to shoot him with the anniversary gun

because she got it in her head

that he was having an affair with my poor old Aunt Sissy!

Daddy dodged a bullet,

but Mama ended up at the Baptist Medical Center

in San Antonio, Texas, fifth floor.

The crazy ward.

Delferd, this is your daddy.

What?

My father was calling me in Australia.

I was directing a film there.

Y'all, this was huge.

My daddy was so cheap, he didn't even call long distance

after it was free! (audience laughs)

Delferd, your mama made me call you.

Son, this is bad.

And then I hear Mother screaming in the background.

Gimme that phone, let me talk to him!

Delferd, this is your mother.

You have got to come get me out of here.

They are raping me every night

in the basement of the Baptist Medical Center.

No, Mother, they're not, they're not rapin' you.

You don't know, you're not here.

No, you're gallivanting to the other side of the world,

abandoned your poor, sick mamma.

Delferd, every night, these orderlies come

and they get all of us old people

and they take us down to the basement,

and Orson Wells is there,

and he is directing a porno movie!

There are hidden cameras in all the walls.

They are making a porno movie

called "The Orderlies and the Elderlies."

(audience laughs)

Oh, Mama, nobody wants to see that!

Well you don't know!

There are lots of perverts in the world!

She was right about that.

And even in her insanity, you gotta admit,

Loraine Shores was still very creative!

"The Orderlies and the Elderlies?"

That is a goddamn good title. (audience laughs)

So I flew back to the states over my Easter break.

14 hours to Los Angeles, three more to San Antonio

for a four-hour visit with my mother.

I walked into her hospital room.

Well, it is about time!

I'm sorry, Mother.

I'm directing a movie over in Australia

with Olivia Newton-John and Swoosie Kurtz, you know,

that actress that plays the oldest sister on "Sisters,"

that show that you love?

Uh huh, well, of course you are.

I have always been an after thought.

I guess they're more important than I am!

Delferd, everything here is in an uproar!

Your Daddy there is having an affair with your Aunt Sissy,

and I have filed for divorce.

And I bought this hospital,

it's run by the Jews, and I fired Dr. Goldstein,

who killed our savior, fired all those orderlies

who were involved in that porno ring.

And I fired Orson Wells, too!

I sent him packing back to Hollywood

where you live with all the heathens!

I looked at my dad and my brother.

They just shrugged.

They were used to this already.

Quit exchanging those smirks!

I see you exchanging those smirks!

Your Daddy and your brother are in cahoots with the Arabs

and they've drained my bank account

and stuck me here to rot!

Delferd, where are the girls?

She was asking me about my daughters, Caroline and Rebecca,

who were eight and 11 at the time.

Oh Mother, they're, I left them back in Los Angeles.

It's Easter weekend

and I didn't want them to see their Nana like this.

Oh, it's Easter?

Well, we gotta have an Easter egg hunt for them!

She suddenly stopped,

she looked at my dad,

and then my brother, she settled back on me.

Delferd,

I don't know what's real

and what's not anymore.

(sighs) Well, that broke my heart.

That brilliant, creative mind had gone awry.

Fried by years of opiate addiction.

There's good crazy, and my mama, like her whole family,

was good crazy my entire life.

And then there's bad crazy.

This was bad crazy.

I took my dad and my brother

to The Black Eyed Pea for dinner,

you know, just to get away.

My poor daddy, he was just spent.

Watching the love of his life,

married since they were 17 and 21, just slip away.

And my brother Dexton was a saint,

he was taking care of every detail

in wrapping up our mother's life.

We got back from The Black Eyed Pea

and mother was holding a meeting in her room.

She had gathered all the other mental patients

and she was ordering them around.

Now you are gonna go over to the Walmart

and get the Easter eggs and get some of those Cadbury's

and the two of you are in charge of hiding 'em.

Oh y'all, this is my son, Delferd.

He's a big Hollywood writer, Del Shores.

He is currently directing a movie in Australia

with Olivia Newton-John, who sent me flowers!

Come on in, Delferd.

Oh, Dexton and your Daddy can go straight to hell.

Thieves, get outta here!

Delferd, we are organizing the Easter egg hunt tomorrow

and dinner on the grounds.

Oh, do remember Miss Benividez

who used to live across the street from us in Zapata?

She pointed to an old woman who was sitting by her bed,

who was wringing her hands over and over

as if she were washing them.

My name's not Miss Benividez.

My name's Letha Adams.

My name's Letha Adams.

Oh no, you are not!

You're Miss Benividez!

You're gonna bring the ham!

And get one of those Honey Baked!

Now Delferd, I need you to make Aunt Sissy's pink salad.

And drain the pineapple this time!

Yes, Mother.

All right, meetin's over, everybody out!

I need to talk to my son about something.

Get outta here, Miss Benividez. (audience laughs)

Delferd, come on in, closer.

There's something real important

I need to talk to you about.

Yes, ma'am.

Closer.

She took my head in her hands

like she did when I was a little boy

when she wanted to tell me something important,

or just that she loved me.

Your daddy and your brother

are not okay with you being gay.

I know that, Mother.

But I am.

I've known ever since you were a little boy

and you wanted that doll Suzie Q for Christmas

that your Nana got you instead of the dump truck

that your Daddy wanted to get you.

I have always known, Delferd,

and I have always protected you.

Am I making sense?

Because I don't know if I'm makin' sense or not anymore.

Yes, Mother, you're makin' sense.

You're makin' perfect sense.

Your daddy and your brother, they are scared of me.

And they will keep their mouths shut and leave you alone

as long as I'm here.

So I can't leave you

I can't leave here if this family is gonna fall apart.

We won't, Mama.

We won't fall apart.

I won't let that happen.

And I'm strong now.

I can take care of myself.

She smiled at me, then she squeezed my hand,

she closed her eyes, fell asleep.

I sat there for about an hour or so,

watching my sleeping mama,

and I took a long walk down memory lane.

She'd introduced me to Tennessee Williams,

musicals, Luigi Pirandello,

great literature,

Tammy Wynette, Elvis,

and Jesus.

I continued to watch my sleeping,

dying, 64-year-old, beautiful mama.

The biggest influence on my career

and my life.

And then, she was gone.

(sighs)

Well, I brought the room down! (audience laughs)

(audience applauds) (audience cheers)

We need some comedy!

All right, onward, forward!

Character number four, Jimmy.

A homophobic, Oklahoma redneck

with latent tendencies. (audience laughs)

Years ago, I was on tour with my ex-husband

and uh, we stopped at a Kum & Go station.

They did not think that name through. (audience laughs)

It is spelled K-U-M & Go!

Kum & Go.

It's kinda like my sex life lately. (laughs)

So I am walking our dog Ty Guapo while gassing up,

and he is whining, pulling on the leash, he's not focusing,

because, um, he's upset because my ex,

who he's very attached to, is walking next door to Arby's.

Well, about this time, this big-ass pickup truck pulls up

and out hops one of those good ol' boys.

Cap, match in his mouth.

Had a work shirt on that said Jimmy.

You know those kinda Southern boys.

They barely open their mouth when they talk.

(audience laughs)

Seems like they're scared a cock might fly in.

(audience clapping) (audience laughing)

Those guys scare the shit outta me,

and yet I'm very attracted to them. (laughs)

So I tense up.

But Mr. Redneck Jimmy,

he starts chuckling when he sees Ty Guapo

pulling on me and whining.

(laughs)

That little feller

sure is frettin' about somethin', ain't he?

Yeah, he's upset because my husband is walking over--

Husband? (audience laughs)

Well, all right, then.

And Jimmy fled into the Kum & Go station

scared of me, proving that homophobia,

in the true sense of the word,

was alive and well in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Now, um, sometimes when I am inspired by a real person,

and uh, I start creating a character,

I play the what if game.

All right, what if Jimmy was latent?

Hmm?

What if Jimmy was oddly attracted to me

that day at the Kum & Go station,

and our encounter sent him on a journey?

(audience laughs) Hmm?

Sometimes I will wear a costume, it helps,

like a Kum & Go hat. (audience laughs)

Look here, it has a convenient beer opener.

Sometimes I will add a prop

like a match.

I start walkin' like 'em, talkin' like 'em.

Feelin' em.

Am I crazy?

Oh, hell yeah, (laughs)

but it's still good crazy.

And that's how my alter ego, my character

Jimmy Del Watkins was born!

Hey, hey, hey,

this is Jimmy Del Watkins from Smyrna, Georgia.

I'm just sitting here in front of my trailer house.

Damn, it's hot, it's hot!

Shit.

I'm just sittin' here thinkin'

about this whole same sex marriage thing,

you know, that um, uh, uh, the SCROTUS decision,

the Supreme Court Ruling of The United States

that recently said that the same sexes can get married.

And uh, everybody's all up and arms about it.

And I was at church the other day, I don't go that often,

but I been goin' lately,

because I've been datin' this ol' gal name Misty.

She used to a stripper, but now she found Jesus.

Oh, she's saved!

So I was there right after that SCROTUS decision,

and ol' preacher's up there, he's just screaming and shit.

The Supreme Court is not the Supreme being!

The Supreme Court is not the law of the land!

It's the Bible, it's the Bible!

And the gays, and the pedophiles,

and the sodomites are gonna burn in hell for all eternity.

You know, just screaming and shit. (audience laughs)

And uh, I'm kinda conflicted,

because I've known a couple of homos, they ain't so bad.

And I thought, well, maybe he's right.

That's the way I was brought up,

that marriage is between one man and one woman.

That's what Misty keeps telling me,

although I told her, I said:

Hey Misty, maybe you should say

that marriage is between one woman and several men

'cause you've been married four times already.

No tellin' how many has crawled up

in between your peanut butter legs.

You know, easy to spread. (audience laughs)

Ooh, that did not go over too good.

She slapped the shit outta me.

So I go home and all mixed up,

my mind's just jumpin' around

like goddamn Mexican jumpin' bean

just all convoluted, you know.

And I said I gotta calm this mind down.

I need a sign.

I need a sign about this gay marriage shit.

So you know what I did?

I smoked some weed and grabbed a six pack

and I turned on The Netflix.

And the suggestion, the first one, was "Magic Mike 2."

And I thought, well I don't know

if I can watch "Magic Mike 2"

'cause I never saw "Magic Mike 1," (audience laughs)

but I thought, okay, I'm gonna give it a whirl.

So I start watching "Magic Mike 2,"

and that movie changed my mind!

'Cause I'm watchin' "Magic Mike 2"

and that Channing Tater guy,

he comes on the TV screen

and he's just so beautiful.

Just ripped to shreds and he's wearin' real pretty underwear

and he's just so goddamn beautiful.

And he seems like a right nice fella, too.

A lot nicer than Misty, that's for damn sure.

So I'm watching Channing Tater,

and he starts some dancin' and his uh,

his body is just, well,

is, is kinda sexual to me, you know,

with his junk a bouncin' up and down.

And I don't know if it was the weed or the beers,

because I'm a puss hound, I love bird-doggin' for pussy,

but as I'm watching Channing Tater

I'm thinkin', you know, if he kissed me,

I don't think I'd mind it. (audience laughs)

And that other one, that other one that's gay in real life,

that Matt Bomber, he's goddamn good lookin', too.

And if either one of 'em,

if either one of 'em said, hey, Jimmy Del, Jimmy Del,

you wanna go out, you wanna grab some beers

and then make out, and roll around

in our pretty underwear, (audience laughs)

I'm not sure I'd be opposed to that.

And if me and Channing Tater fell in love,

what the fuck's wrong with that?

And if he asked me to marry him,

I might just say yes to the son of a bitch.

So I finished watching "Magic Mike 2,"

all horned up and pissed off all at the same time.

And I called Misty up and I said:

You know what Misty, fuck you!

And fuck the Baptists,

and fuck that mother fuckin' preacher.

I am done with this church shit and this saved bullshit.

Just let people love.

Love is love is love, by gawd.

Just make this world better by loving.

I don't care, you can love anybody you goddamn please!

It's none of my goddamn business.

And if I wanna marry Channing Tater,

it is none of your goddamn business either!

So fuck you, bitch! (audience laughs)

(audience cheers) (audience applauds)

This is Jimmy Del Watkins weighin' in

on the SCROTUS decision of gay marriage.

And scene!

(audience applauds) (audience cheers)

Character number five.

A vegetarian-hating waitress with no more fucks to give!

(audience laughs) (audience applauds)

My sweet Aunt Sissy died a few years ago

when she was 80 years old.

And she was truly one of the biggest inspirations

of my career, having inspired the character

of Sissy Hickey in all things "Sordid."

Aunt Sissy died of pneumonia

with a nicotine patch behind her ear.

I went back to see her one last time

when she was in the hospital.

But when I got there, they told me

they had taken her off of breathing machine

and she had slipped into a coma.

There was no hope.

I had missed her, I thought.

I walked into her hospital room, I leaned down,

and kissed her old, wrinkled face,

Aunt Sissy, it's Delferd.

I made it.

Her eyes fluttered open.

Where's Bitsy Mae?

Bitsy Mae is my long-haired Chihuahua

that Aunt Sissy adored.

Oh, Aunt Sissy,

she's not allowed in the hospital.

Well, shit.

(audience laughs)

And those were the last two words

that my Aunt Sissy said to me.

(audience applauds)

How appropriate!

Ah, my Aunt Sissy

would be described by most people as eccentric.

She and I liked to use the word colorful

to describe our family.

She had instructed my cousins and me

that she did not want to be buried,

nor did she want a funeral.

No, she wanted to be cremated.

Now, this is very unusual for my Texas family.

We are funeral, open casket,

buried in the ground kind of folks.

I do not want a funeral

down at the Southside Baptist Church

where all of those hypocrites

can come and pretend that they like me

when they talk shit about me my whole life.

No ma'am, no sirree, no, no, no!

I just want y'all to cremate me

and spread my ashes over Kathy's grave.

Kathy, my cousin, my Aunt Sissy's only daughter,

had committed suicide one Christmas Eve

by shooting herself with a shotgun,

pulling the trigger with her big toe

after she decorated the Christmas tree.

Now we cannot go down that tragic path

or we will never get back. (audience laughs)

So my cousin Tammy, that's Kathy's daughter,

Aunt Sissy's granddaughter, she said:

Well, Nan Nan, we can't just spread your ashes

over Mama's grave, that is illegal.

I don't give a shit!

Who the hell's gonna catch you?

I chimed in.

I'll do it, Aunt Sissy.

If I get arrested, I can always use the publicity.

(audience laughs) (audience applauds)

She smiled at me, then she glared at Tammy.

That's why Delferd has always been my favorite.

She made a list of all those

who were invited to this cemetery event.

12 people and one chihuahua

named Bitsy Mae, aww. (laughs)

So, I flew back to Dallas

a couple of days before this cemetery event,

you know, to visit friends

and to prepare to go back to my hometown of Winters, Texas.

Now how do you do that?

How do you prepare to go back to your hometown

where hairstyles and time have stood still for decades,

and racism and homophobia are alive and well?

Well, you go to Mama's Daughter's.

Mama's Daughter's is this diner

right in the middle of Dallas.

But if you were dropped there, you would go,

where the hell am I, and what decade are we in?

So, I called my good friend Kristen McCullough,

who starred in my play, "Yellow."

Hey, Kristen, meet me tomorrow at Mama's Daughter's.

What's Mama's Daughter's?

Oh my God, you live in Dallas

and you've never eaten at Mama's Daughter's?

It's historic!

You have to meet me there for lunch.

So the next day, we arrive at Mama's Daughter's,

and we sit down and Kristen starts looking over the menu.

(laughs)

Del, I think you've forgotten that I am a Pescatarian.

Ah, I love that word!

Sounds like a religion.

I'm Pescatarian, well I'm Baptist.

I'm so sorry, Kristen, I totally forgot.

Oh, no, look, there's this five vegetable platter

for only 4.99, I'm just gonna order some vegetables.

So as Kristen is perusing the vegetables,

our waitress comes up to the table.

Now, I'm gonna try to describe her for y'all.

She had bleached, bleached blonde hair

that she had obviously done herself for many, many years.

Oh, it was fried, fuck fried. (audience laughs)

Her hair was not teased, it was terrorized.

No roots, but a couple of burn marks.

And she was one of those women

who had decided that she did not need her eyebrows.

No, I do not need these eyebrows.

It's just too much trouble to pluck 'em.

I'm just gonna shave em' off and draw 'em back on.

But they were red, red and blonde,

and they were not even.

One of 'em was a little bit higher than the other one.

it looked like she'd either drawn 'em on drunk

or she had a very small mirror

and she couldn't see both of 'em at the same time.

Now, she was about a size 18,

but she was living with hope in her heart

and she was wearing a 12. (audience laughs)

Oh, flesh was just pouring out of everywhere,

just pissed off, screaming, help me!

And I am falling in love!

She had a name tag on that said Y-V-O-N-N-E.

And I said, "Well, hello, Yvonne."

It's Y-vonne! (audience laughs)

Oh, I'm sorry,

because sometimes when people spell their name like you do,

they pronounce their name Yvonne.

Oh really?

Because this is a Y.

Y-V-O-N-N-E spells Y-vonne. (audience laughs)

Like she had never heard of anybody with her spelling

pronounce their name Yvonne.

It was foreign to her.

Now I'm already a little bit scared of her,

but Kristen looks up and asks:

Y-vonne, (audience laughs)

could I ask you

how some of the vegetables are prepared?

Y-vonne turns into my character Brother Boy

from "Sordid Lives."

Okay. (audience laughs)

Um, the green beans, um, do they have any meat in them?

Well yes, honey, they are green beans! (audience laughs)

Like according to Y-vonne, there was a piece of bacon

attached to the bean on the vine.

And I am falling deeper in love. (audience laughs)

Kristen keeps trying.

What about the baked squash?

Do you eat butter?

Yes.

Can you eat cheese?

Oh, yes.

Oh never mind, we crunch up bacon

and put it all over the top,

so you're not gonna be able to eat that.

Oh, could you make mine without the bacon?

No, we cannot!

We make in the morning in a big ol' Pyrex dish.

What do you expect me to do,

do you expect me to go back in that kitchen,

and pick off every piece of bacon just for you?

No ma'am, no, no, no, it is not gonna happen!

But Kristen is not giving up. (audience laughs)

Well, what about the collard greens?

Do they have any meat in them?

None that you will see. (audience laughs)

Kristen bravely asks a follow-up question.

What exactly does that mean?

It means that we throw a big slab of bacon

into the collard greens and we boil it up real good,

and then when the collards are done, we pull out the bacon,

and we fry it up real crispy,

and then we crunch it up and we sprinkle it

all over the baked squash. (audience laughs)

Now if you are a vegetarian, my dear,

this is not the restaurant for you!

So as Kristen is just trying to find

one vegetable on that menu to order,

I look up and I see this LED scroll

that says, "RIP Adrian Duarte."

Y-vonne, what happened to Adrian Duarte?

Who?

Well Adrian Duarte,

it says right there on that sign, "RIP Adrian Duarte."

Did he work here?

Oh, I wish they would take that down.

That wetback died over three weeks ago

and he was only part time. (audience laughs)

Well, that did it.

Y-vonne had prepared me to go back to my hometown

of Winters, Texas. (audience laughs)

(audience applauds)

Character number six, Aunt Bobby Sue.

The loud-mouth racist Republican with a heart of gold.

After my eventful lunch at Mama's Daughter's,

I, uh, got on one of those

scary little puddle jumpers the next morning

and flew to Abilene, Texas,

where my cousin Terry picked me up at the airport

and we drove 40 miles down to Winters.

Now I'm gonna try and track my family for you

so this next part will make sense.

So y'all pay close attention, because you're about to get

some rapid-fire Del Shores family history.

My cousin Terry is the first son of my Uncle Humpty

and his first wife, my Aunt Bobby Sue.

Now Uncle Humpty is Aunt Sissy's brother

who had a gambling problem and died with no legs.

Diabetes.

Now Uncle Humpty and Aunt Bobby Sue divorced years ago,

and Uncle Humpty re-married Aunt Betty Ruth.

And they gave Terry a half brother named Elby

who shot a policeman on his 18th birthday,

winged him, didn't kill him,

and recently got out of Angola Prison

after serving 16 years.

He accepted Jesus as his personal savior

and he is now the youth minister

at The Church of Christ in Monterrey, Louisiana.

He married the prison librarian

and they have twin baby girls. - Aww.

- It's kind of like a twisted Lifetime movie.

Now, Aunt Bobby Sue, Terry's mama, re-married Felton

and they gave Terry a half sister, another Tammy,

who also recently got out of prison

for either writing hot checks or selling dope.

Nobody could remember what she did this time.

We will call her Tammy II.

All right, you're all caught up.

Now, my cousin Terry graduated college.

He has a thriving construction business in Abilene,

a beautiful wife, two overachieving children.

He's kinda the odd man out,

like the Marilyn Munster of the family.

Oh my god, Terry, how did you survive?

I asked him on our ride down to Abilene

in his brand new Cadillac.

Jesus and football saved my life.

A coach had introduced him to both.

Delferd, my mama still lives in Winters

and she would love to see you.

Do you mind if we stop by

before this thing out at the cemetery

for Aunt Sissy to visit my mama?

Oh my God, Terry!

I would love to see my Aunt Bobby Sue!

Y'all, I had not seen my Aunt Bobby Sue

since probably high school, and I loved my Aunt Bobby Sue.

Now my mother always referred to my Aunt Bobby Sue as

A loudmouth whatnot who is nothin' but cheap,

common trash!

Anybody that my mother called cheap, common, or trash,

was always one my favorites. (audience laughs)

Aunt Bobby Sue got all three words!

When I was a little boy,

I would visit my Aunt Sissy and my Mama Merck,

that's Humpty and Sissy and my Nana's uh, mother,

every summer in Winters, Texas.

And I loved those summers,

because I got to stay up real late,

I didn't have to go to church, I learned lots of cuss words,

and they allowed me to watch "Laugh In,"

"Maude," and "All In The Family."

I would take quick sips of Mama Merck's Mogan David wine

and take quick puffs off of Aunt Sissy's Bel Air cigarettes

that she left lit in every ashtray in every room.

And I would get to visit my Aunt Bobby Sue.

Now my Mama Merck and I would walk down the street

where Bobby Sue lived with her new husband, Felton.

Bobby Sue had platinum blonde hair

that was styled like Bobbie Gentry

and early Priscilla Presley.

All the other women in town had up-dos,

but Bobby Sue's was teased within an inch of its life,

and then it fell into a fall past her shoulders.

She wore lots and lots of make up.

Whore red lipstick, (audience laughs)

red matching fingernails

and red toe nails, long false eyelashes,

even in the day time.

She had blue and green eye shadow expertly blended,

and very pink rouge.

I never saw makeup like that again

until I came out and started going to drag shows.

Now because it was always hot, hot summer

when I would visit, she'd wear these little cotton,

sleeveless blouses, with her bra straps showing,

and very tight capri pants,

accentuated with real high hooker heels

that she had bedazzled rhinestones on to match the outfit.

Cheap jewelry was just dripping from everywhere.

Now in one hand, she carried a Pomeranian,

and in the other hand a long, skinny cigarette

that lasted for at least 30 minutes.

Oh my God Terry, I would love to see Aunt Bobby Sue.

Now does she still have that Myna bird?

Lord no, Delferd. (laughs)

I can't believe that you remember that ol' Myna bird

that Mama brought back from Saudi Arabia

when Felton was working over there.

No, Delferd, I bet that Myna bird died

over 40 years ago.

I realized it had probably been over 40 years

since I had seen my Aunt Bobby Sue.

Now when Mama Merck and I

would walk down the street to Bobby Sue's,

we would walk into her back door,

and that Myna bird would scream out

in a perfect Bobby Sue imitation, "Goddammit Felton!"

(audience laughs)

That was Bobby Sue's cue, she'd come prancing in:

I don't know how he learned that! (audience laughs)

Y'all come on in!

Oh, and she was a hoarder.

Now I didn't know what a hoarder was back then,

but she just had lots and lots of shit everywhere,

just like my character Noleta Nethercott in "Sordid Lives,"

only she did not live in a trailer house.

So we arrive at that very same house,

and Bobby Sue meets us at the door

carrying a Pomeranian in one hand

and a long, skinny cigarette in the other.

She's now in her late 70s, but she looked damn good.

She was about 30 or 40 pounds heavier than I remember,

but she still had the Bobbie Gentry hairstyle,

only now she had let it go gray.

And she still had lots and lots of makeup on her beautiful,

weathered, lived-in face.

Now she still had on capri pants, only bigger,

and um, now she had traded in the high hooker heels

for hot pink practical jellies,

but she still owned that Bedazzler

because there were rhinestones on 'em

that matched the outfit.

Bobby Sue had held up well and she did not disappoint.

Oh Delferd, oh my God,

you are no longer that fleshy little boy!

Oh, come love my neck.

We hugged and she never put down the Pomeranian

or the cigarette. (audience laughs)

That is a skill most people do not have.

Oh, come on in, just sit down, let's visit and catch up.

Oh, Tammy is just sick

that she's not gonna be able to see you.

She's got probation duty

over at the dog pound in San Angelo.

Oh, she just loves animals, especially dogs.

And she was so fortunate when she got out of the pen

that the ol' judge give her the dog pound

as her probation assignment.

Oh, Delferd, we are just so tickled pink

with all your success and gettin' so famous and all.

And Terry tells me that you have decided to be gay,

(audience laughs)

and I just wanna tell you how I feel about that.

Oh, good. (audience laughs)

I have this friend over in Ballinger.

I have to go over to Ballinger these days

to get my hair done

now that The Winter's Hairport has closed.

Oh, poor ol' Lila Walker died.

Rectal cancer.

Lord, that cancer just eat through her ass

like a hot knife on butter! (audience laughs)

Bless her heart. (exhales)

So I have to go to my friend's shop, Colleen Davenport,

who has a son, Timmy Lee,

who also has decided to be gay.

Now we always knew, ever since he was a little boy,

because he grabbed that rat tail comb

and flit around that beauty shop,

helpin' his mama out with the customers.

He was good, too.

He is a colorist now over in Dallas, goes by Timothy.

Makes real good money.

But when I found out,

when I found out that Timmy Lee had decided to be gay

Do you know how I treated him?

I treated him like he was just a normal human being.

And that's how I'm gonna treat you too, sugar.

- Aww.

- Thank you? (audience laughs)

I didn't know whether to be pissed off or appreciative.

At first I was just horrified, all that normal shit.

But then I realized Aunt Bobbie Sue was accepting me.

She was telling me in her own way

that she loved me no matter what.

Unconditionally.

Well thank you, Aunt Bobby Sue.

That means so much.

Well.

Listen, what is this thing that y'all are having for Sissy?

Terry tells me that it's not a real funeral.

It's more like an ash-spreadin' ceremony kinda thing?

Well, yes, ma'am , that's, that's what she wanted.

You know how she was.

I do indeed.

But wantin' her ashes spread all over Kathy's grave?

Poor ol' Kathy, she just ruined Christmas for everybody.

(audience laughs)

Bless her heart.

Well, I sure would like

to go to this ash-spreadin' thing-a-ma-deal.

It hurts my feelings that I was not invited.

Oh, could you check with Tammy

and see it if it's all right if I tag along?

So I text my cousin Tammy.

Hey Tammy, Aunt Bobby Sue

wants to come to the graveyard today.

I'm kind of in an awkward situation.

Tammy texts back, "Oh, just bring her."

So Aunt Bobby Sue offers to drive.

We pile into her big ol' boat of an older luxury car.

It's a hand-me-down from Terry.

Now Terry's in the passenger's seat, I am in the back seat.

And Aunt Bobby Sue starts driving slowly

through Winters, Texas.

I look out and I see that a lot of the houses

had been boarded up.

Aunt Bobby Sue, it seems like a lot of people

have moved away from Winters.

Well they sure have, darlin'.

Do you remember the plant

that used to sit on the outskirts of town

where everybody worked called Drys?

Oh yes, ma'am, I think my daddy worked there for awhile.

Oh he sure did, sugar, when you was a toddler.

Aww, your daddy was a good man.

He could preach a damn good sermon!

Well, I don't know if you remember or not,

but Drys made swamp coolers.

And when air conditioning came into style,

well, Drys closed down.

Everybody lost their jobs and had to move away from Winters

because there was just no way to make a living here no more.

But now, if you will notice,

a lot of these houses are now inhabited

by Mexican squatters.

Mm hmm, Catholics with a bunch of kids.

Oh, look, look, that litter over there.

Yep, lot of Mexicans have moved to Winters.

(exhales)

Well, how do they make a living, Aunt Bobby Sue?

Obama. (audience laughs)

Terry warned, "Mama!"

Oh, right, I have been told

that I am not to discuss politics with you.

Yeah, that's probably a real good idea.

But y'all, I love a lower middle-class racist Republican!

So (audience laughs) we arrive at the cemetery

about the same time that my cousin Tammy

and her two best friends, Sherry and Dalinda,

arrive on the other side.

As we get out of the car, Aunt Bobby Sue lights a cigarette,

then she stops in her tracks

when she sees Sherry and Dalinda.

What the hell are they doing here?

Aunt Bobby Sue, that's Sherry and Dalinda.

Those are Tammy's best friends.

They grew up with Aunt Sissy.

I know who they are!

I don't like 'em, and I don't like their families, either.

Little sluts if you ask me.

And I'm thinking, bitch, you barely got invited.

(audience laughs)

There was a chihuahua on the list over you!

You have no say over this guest list.

But then, in a true hypocritical Texas woman fashion,

she winked at me and said:

Watch this, sugar.

Hey girls, how y'all doing?

Oh, is your daddy still in remission?

Come love my neck. (audience laughs)

Ultimately, I think we were all glad

that Aunt Bobby Sue came,

because she had a lot of good stories about Aunt Sissy.

(sighs) Aunt Sissy certainly lived a colorful life.

Oh, and she understood wind direction.

Nope, everybody's gonna have to move

to this side of Kathy's grave,

otherwise we gonna get Sissy right in our faces!

(audience laughs) (audience applauds)

During the testimonies, I looked across the cemetery

and I saw the Winters sign sitting on Highway 83.

It was the same sign I had passed with excitement

so many times when I had arrived for my summer visits.

The same population was still on it from when I was a boy.

2,562.

After everybody had spoken, it was all over,

I asked my Aunt Bobby Sue

if she would walk with me over to the sign,

so I could get a picture of me and Bitsy Mae in front of it.

She complied.

Aunt Bobby Sue, how many people do you think

still live here in Winters these days?

Hmm, well, lemme thank.

I would say that 600 or so

moved away when Drys closed down.

But I would say that 300 Mexican squatters have moved here.

So I would say that there's probably 1,000 less

than that 2,562. (audience laughs)

Aunt Bobby Sue, your math doesn't add up.

Where are the rest of 'em?

And in one big, sweeping motion, she turns to the graveyard.

(audience laughs)

Mm, mm.

There they were.

There they were.

I stared at the graveyard for a long time.

Aunt Bobby Sue was right.

So much of my family was buried there.

My Mama Merck was there, my Uncle Abo, my Nana

who gave me my doll Susie Q for Christmas.

And my PawPaw, my Buster Daddy

and his twin brother, Uncle Rat,

Uncle Humpty, and poor cousin Kathy

who was so depressed that she shot herself on Christmas Eve.

And one precious angel whose ashes

were blowing over all the other graves.

It's all my mama's family,

the good crazy,

the ones that used to ask that fleshy little boy

who wore the Husky jeans when he told big whopping lies,

"What else happened, Delferd?"

I thought about my daddy.

He had preached most of their funerals.

He was gone, too.

And the last thing that he said to his loudmouth gay son:

I've never understood you, Delferd,

but I do want you to be happy.

I thought about my mama and her dying words.

I can't leave you, I can't leave here

if this family is gonna fall apart.

We won't, Mama, we won't ever fall apart.

I will tell our stories, and by telling our stories,

this family will always stay together,

and we will never fall apart.

I felt a finger on my cheek, wiping away my tears.

I turn.

It was my Aunt Bobby Sue.

She was just smiling at me, mascara

just running down her own beautiful,

weathered, lived-in face.

Your Aunt Sissy was so proud of you, Delferd.

The last time that we visited,

you was all that she could talk about.

We all are, sugar.

We are all so very proud of you.

I hope that you feel that every single day

for the rest of your life.

I do.

I will.

(audience applauds) (audience cheers)

(upbeat music)

Thank you!

Thank you, thank you.

I have one more picture for ya!

Thank y'all so much!

I'll see you out there!