Original subtitles

Falllng ln love ls beautlful

We do it forone reason: nothlng ln the world makes us feel so good

-Don't! -''Don't!''

-That hurts! -Poor Kate Let me make it better

You're ugly You're ugly!

Flrst love ls the most powerful because no one's been hurt yet

My flrst love was Bobby Norton

Everythlng he dld had a sort of maglc to it

The way he smlled, talked

the way he walked llke my favorite actor,Bllly Jack

Bobby was a movle star

You okay?

Maybe you shouldn't shove so hard the next time

My heart just got bigger

When l do like this it looks like you only have one eye

Thank you

One of the dlfferences between men and women when it comes to love

ls the need to tell the world every little detall

lf you choose to splll your guts to someone

just make sure it lsn't Becky Sussman

Bobby, are you okay?

-How could you do it? -What did l do?

You told everybody How could you do that?

All my friends are making fun of me And now it 's over

lt 's over!

Bobby!

l'll tell you friends l was lying!

l'll let you hit me harder! Bobby!

Love ls a mlnefleld We take a step,get blown to pleces

put yourself back together agaln and stupldly take anotherstep

l guess that's human nature

It hurts so much to be alone that we'd rather blow up than be slngle

Hey, Frank

That doesn't make the elevator go any faster, Kate

l know, but it makes me feel more involved

-Are you angry? -No Why?

l just heard single women

tend to be 8 times angrier than married women

Maybe you should write an article about it, since you're not married

l would, but

l'm writing about married bald guys who can't get hard without Viagra

-You're late -l know

-Not a good day to be late -Why not?

Because the Anti-Christ is really pissed at you

She wants to see you in her office right now

-God Why? -l'm not supposed to say

-Do you have any stretch marks? -Not yet

Damn! l have a deadline on my Vitamin E piece

That bitch in accounting won't talk Anybody here have stretch marks?

Sit down

God!

Don't get old, Kate Old is ugly, ugly is death

-You're fired -What?

Get me Leo Was this a joke? Were you planning to turn in this thing?

You said l should make the article my own, so l did

Kate, this is a step-by-step description of sucking cock

-Yeah, l called it ''Blow by Blow'' -Very clever

''When life sucks, so should you Oral sex can cure depression''

What the fuck were you thinking?

Maybe the title is a little harsh But l found a great hook, no?

l meant you should draw from your own experiences and relationships

That 's what l did

l know ten times more about blow jobs than l do about relationships

l failed at every relationship l've ever been in

l don't know about your personal life, and l don't give a shit

The point is, our readers still have hope

This is called Monique Magazine My name is at stake here

lt is not called ''Tired Old Jaded Dicksucker Review''

What if Mary writes the piece on perfect relationships

and l do the thing on stretch marks? l know tons of people with them

l'm gonna be completely honest with you

l can't cope with being fired

This is the only thing in my entire life l haven't failed at

l can do the assignment, l know l can

Can you finish 2,5OO happy, perky words by deadline tonight?

-Absolutely -Then you are temporarily unfired

Now get the fuck out of here

Shit! Shit!

So were you fired?

Not yet

Somebody made a copy of your article and circulated it

Pretty good

So you use your hands?

Happy, perky notes

on how to find and keep that perfect man

We allwant to be loved

It doesn't matter by whom,as long as they make us feel less alone

What makes a relatlonshlp last forever?

lf l knew the answer,lwouldn't be llvlng alone with my fourcats

They say you have to klss a lot of frogs to get to the prlnce

Rlchard MlItnerwas the most borlng frog l ever dated

But sometlmes you just have to get out of the house

You know, masculine and feminine

We lucked out pretty good

My mother's corns aren't usually this bad

Lucky for us she wasn't able to walk well enough to come to the show

lt 's haunting, don't you think?

What?

The paintings They're pretty disturbing

-You think? -lf l had a kid

l definitely wouldn't put one of these up his bedroom

Unless l hated him

My father would've hung stuff like that from my ceilings

He hated me My mother hated me too

She used to tell me l was dying of cancer when l was four

lt always sent me in depressions, which is exactly what she wanted

because then l wouldn't ask her to make me lunch

She hated it when l bugged her for food or stuff

-Would you like a champagne? -What?

A champagne, would you like one?

Yeah, absolutely

Are you looking for me?

l wasn't really looking for anyone

Do you mind if l talk to you for a minute?

Sure

ln the corner

-ln the corner? -l don't like the middle of rooms

Just come with me to the corner No one's behind you in the corner

-Who's the guy you're with? -What guy?

Richard? He's a stand-up comedian

He seems funny ls he your boyfriend?

Richard? No He's 3O years old and lives with his mother

So what do you think of the paintings?

l love the style, but l think they're a little immature

lmmature? What makes you say that?

Look at that one over there

-What the hell does it mean? -That?

That means there's a woman pulling a severed head out of her ass

What 's the point? What do l learn from it?

Maybe that 's it There's no point You don't have to learn anything

l wonder what the artist looks like

He must be scary to make this shit

Maybe he has a highly developed dark side you don't understand

So how long did it take you to paint that one?

Gosh, there you are l've been looking all over for you

You are a doll Look at this! Thank you

Richard, Adam Levy

-You're the artist -You're the lucky guy

We were just getting around to discussing our future children

Right, but l don't think you're gonna have a future together

-l'm sorry Excuse me? -You'd need to see the person again

You're not gonna be seeing her anymore 'cause she's my girlfriend

-What? -What?

When we laid eyes on each other

we had this spark Right?

-Kate -lsn't that right, Kate?

No, actually

ls this some kind of joke?

No, but this is: two guys walk into a bar

One guy is a 3O-year-old stand-up comedian who lives with his mother

Could we go now, please?

You know, it is women like you who turn men into weirdoes

Don't bother Once l've been hurt, there's no turning back

That wasn't cool l made it weird

-You shouldn't have done that -l know

So where should we eat?

You are without a doubt the tallest woman l've ever met in my life

Really?

l've been noticing you have these

long ET fingers

Like a tree frog

My God! How big?

-Size 11 -Size 11?

-Yeah, size 11 -Woman's size 11?

ls this some kind of artist thing? Focusing on people's flaws?

l don't see them as flaws, but as God's artistic choices

l guess God decided to give you this abnormally large head

You know what 's different? You're being shitty and mean

And l was celebrating your body, who you are

-You were celebrating my body? -l was

-l like this part normally -What part is that?

When it 's new, you know You can ask all the fun questions

-Right -Let me first

What 's you relationship like with your dad?

My dad's dead

He was hit by a car in front of me when l was six

God l'm so sorry

Just kidding We get along great

-Any brothers and sisters? -lt 's my turn

l took your turn away Any brothers or sisters?

Three older brothers How many women have you slept with?

-Excuse me? -l know you've counted How many?

-How many men have you slept with? -Not that many 13

13?

As like 13 different guys?

Spread out over the years, that 's not so many

Aren't you gonna answer the question?

2 Okay?

-2? That 's it? -That 's it

Some of us actually believe in having full relationships

l believe in relationships Mine just happen to be short ones

l'm sorry you're like a whore

-Excuse me? -13! Jesus Christ!

Give me a break!

-Were you popular in high school? -What do you think?

-l guess that 's a no -l don't need this shit

l was very popular in high school

l was an artist, l used to draw all the pretty girls, made them better

They all loved me

They didn't sleep with me, but they loved me

How about you?

You must 've been real popular with that attitude

No, l had huge buck teeth and bony knees

And l slouched to hide the fact l hadn't grown any boobs yet

And my hair was all stringy and everybody called me Horseface

Horseface? lt suits you

-You think so? -l like it

-You like it? -What was your longest kiss?

The longest kiss?

Don't, it 'll just make me jealous

Just make sure this one's longer

Adam was unllke any guy I'd ever know

We were lnstant best frlends

Two people who understood each other without havlng to say a word

It wasn't llke that at all ln my flrst relatlonshlp

lwas a bad ldea to glve up my vlrglnity to my French teacher

lf two people want to be a couple of them

it is good when they are making love with each other, they feel nice

-What? -Let 's make love

We will, Mr Bossard l promise

l don't think l can tonight though l'm not really ready yet

Because you feel we don't have the quality of life together

-l am sad for this -What?

Let 's make love, cheri, please l am waiting for so long

-Will it hurt? -Do not be scary

-l am there for you needing me -What?

Mr Bossard

are you doing it?

l can't believe it lt 's supposed to hurt

Maybe it 's because l've ridden horses all my life

Are you smaller than most guys?

My older man daddy phase contlnued on rlght lnto college

lwas not a very evolved person by the tlme l ran lnto Erlc

-Are you okay? -Are you blind? Out of your mind?

What is wrong with you? This is a brand new car!

You could've killed me! What are you doing?

-l said l'm sorry, alright? -This is a US$ 5OO shirt!

-l didn't see you -You didn't see me?

-Were you painting you toenails? -Listen, fuckface! l didn't see you!

l didn't wake up this morning and go

''Today is the day l'm gonna crash into some fucking uptight yuppie!''

You know what, lady? Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Shit! Fuck!

-There! You see that? -How's that?

-Take that! -Okay, break it up!

-Officer, l -Shut up! Hands behind your back!

-Hit him with your big stick! -You! Get up there!

-We got off on the wrong foot -What?

You just destroyed my car!

l'm sorry about that Maybe we could start over again

You got any plans for dinner tonight after we make bail?

So this is where writers hang out?

What do you write about?

l'm working on a novel between my journalism classes at UCLA

A novel?

-What 's it about? -Death

That sounds interesting

So what do you do?

l work a lot with Big Red-Ass Monkeys

lt 's a band You know, the band?

''Big Red-Ass Monkeys are here'' l direct music videos

lsn't that the one where the naked girl swims with a chimp?

Ape Great ape

Right l guess chimps don't have those big red asses

l don't know, l never checked

Do you think maybe l could kiss you?

-Maybe later -Maybe later when?

Maybe later like 5 seconds

5, 4, 3, 2

l hate when that happens

A toast to our three-week anniversary

l think this is the longest relationship l've ever been in

Well, not counting Mr Bossard, which lasted one semester

-Did l ever tell you? -Don't mention your French teacher

lt really disturbs me

-Good -And your last relationship?

-God What about it? -How long was it again?

-Five miserable years -What did you have in common?

Nothing

What do we have in common?

-We have a lot in common -Like what?

Like, how many people do you know

who have sex in public places?

Every guy l've ever met

Good morning You know what day today is, don't you?

Sunday morning My turn

-l thought it was my turn -Nope lt 's my turn

You know what? This game is idiotic

-lt 's not spontaneous -That 's not true

Scheduled spontaneity is the key to long-term love

Don't look so happy

l like Sundays

Careful, careful

l'm not getting that

They can wait Come on

-Get it or you're not getting it -l can't get it

Alright

l'll be back

Don't lose your concentration, okay?

Where you going?

Now you want some, don't you? Hold that thought, okay?

Daddy!

-Guess what l did at Kiddieland? -We're gonna go Come with Mommy

lt 's not what it looks like, l'll explain Nell, wait! Nell!

Kate, l can explain!

Will you come back?

Will you stop? Stop!

-What are you? -l understand how you feel

You have no idea how anyone feels You're a social climber!

-l'm planning on getting a divorce -Don't ever touch me again!

-Kate! -Daddy!

Even when bad relatlonshlps end

the paln can be severe enough to screw you up foryears

We all plck up a little baggage afterevery breakup

The hope ls that when the bags start to accumulate

we're stlll able to drag them lnto the next relatlonshlp

Fortunately when Adam and l moved ln together

my carry-on baggage was falrly llght

-Let 's put that one in the bedroom -l was gonna put ''Paul's Entrails''

lt 's better for the bathroom

lf you want to be obvious

Okay, whatever you want

-l love you, Horseface -l love you too

l mean l love you more than l've ever loved anybody ever

in my life

Where are you going?

God

-Say it -Why do you want me to say it again?

Because it was cute And l want that cute moment saved forever

lt 's gonna sound forced And l'm irritated Could we just?

-Just say it -l love you

-Horseface! -l love you, Horseface

l love you too Now strip

-Strip? -Strip

-Put the toy away and we'll -Come on

-Don't poke the bear in the zoo -Come on

-Don't poke the bear in the zoo -Take it off Come on

-Don't poke the bear in the zoo -Whip it out

When you flnally share your lonely bed with the one you love

llfe just doesn't get any better

-That was not me -Stop Stop it

That was the first time you That was your first fart

That was your first fart You do love me

Don't blame it on me

That was so cute You're embarrassed

Come here No woman has ever farted in front of me before

Hi

-Hi -What?

-What? -Why are you smiling like that?

lt 's our one-year anniversary You should be smiling too

l guess so

Come here Come on

No, come here Are you a grouchy little bunny?

l'm taking you to some place very special today

-Where? -lt 's a surprise

Go fill me the tub and l'll take you

-Now, in the middle of the day? -l feel very dirty l need a tub

Forget it

Can you just fill me a tub? Come on, you big grouch, just go

My God, it 's like pulling teeth with you to get anything

My God!

Are you insane? What are we gonna do with all these kittens?

l don't know Make stew, l figured

What are they doing in there? They like you, obviously

This one's Louie, this one's Murray

This is Steve and this is Mordecai

l got them from the Chinese restaurant

Hi, Mommy

Hello Aren't l cute?

Hi You are my new mommy now

Bet the other 13 guys you slept with didn't get you a litter of kitties

l'm pregnant

-You're really? -l took a test and it turned pink

Pink? lsn't it supposed to be like a plus sign?

Believe me, l know how to pee on a stick and read directions

-l thought we were being safe -Yeah, not safe enough

-God, we hardly know each other -We know each other

l just don't know if l'm ready to be a mother, Adam

l'm too confused, too immature, too messy

What about abortion? Did you ever think about that

possibility?

l just never thought this would happen to me

-l don't know what to do -Here, come here

Don't worry A lot of people think it 's the world's greatest present

-What do you think? -l'll tell you what l think:

that our baby would be the cutest thing walking in poo-poo pants

Are you scared?

Of what? Of doing the most natural thing in the world?

Of bringing a gorgeous little brilliant genius into the world?

No l wouldn't be scared

What if it wasn't a gorgeous genius? What if it was an ugly little troll?

l guess we just have to pray to God

that the baby takes after me

We could name it Ned, after my grandfather

-What if it 's a little girl? -Nedina, we'll call it

This one needs to be changed l want you to practice to be a good mommy

God, my stomach is huge!

l look like Buddha

You're the same as always

So l've always had a Buddha gut?

Calm down You've been pregnant a month The baby's too small

-Soon you'll look like a Volkswagen -You have an abnormally large head

Come on, Horseface, get over here

Come on

Let 's see what we got here

Ned wants a womb with a view

Ned's not very funny

Well, Ned's just a fetus We should cut Ned a little slack

And l think you're more beautiful than ever

Are you okay, baby?

Are you okay? What 's wrong?

l'm bleeding

Something's wrong

Something is going wrong

Get up Get up

Where's your robe, baby?

-Where's your robe? -l don't know

Do you think it 's possible to love the same person forever?

-Sure Don't you? -l don't know

l haven't seen a relationship that didn't end one way or another

What about your parents? They've been together for 35 years

They live together, but they haven't said ''l love you'' for 2O years

Maybe that 's human nature You spend that much time around a person

saying ''l love you'' is probably like saying ''cheese sandwich''

God, l hope not

Katie

-l cheese sandwich you -l cheese sandwich you too

The longeryou're with someone, the more annoylng they'll become

You'll become annoylng too So lf you want perfectlon all the tlme

don't bother havlng a relatlonshlp

Did you see that little old lady?

-Didn't she look sad and lonely? -l didn't look l need some shoes

Her eyes were so hollow

Old people have hollow eyes Especially old women

-What? -Can we go in here?

What do you mean, especially old women?

-Women don't age as well as men -How could you say that?

How many 5O-year-old women do you see with 2O-year-old guys?

That 's a societal double standard lt 's got nothing to do with facts

Who looks better, Sean Connery or Shelley Winters?

lt 's nature Men have thicker skin That 's why women wrinkle more

-Shut up -You're afraid to become obsolete

At a certain age men start to notice younger girls lt freaks you out

Well, you're going bald!

l have the keys! Where are you going?

l've got one What do you have?

This with topless female ninjas

Let 's just get one 'Cause we'll forget to return them

and it will be 8OO dollars for two movies

-And which one do you want? -''Nosferatu''

You've seen it 5O times, and every time you get depressed

l like being depressed lt makes me feel deep and introspective

Wanna see what this is about? Maybe you might like it

''Nasty naked ninjettes infiltrates the mob and take over little ltaly

nunchacking their way to Mafia Don Guido Mantucci''

That sounds incredible

Why do you have to do it?

You think l wanna go home and snuggle

and read subtitles and watch in black and white?

Can't we ever go to a goddamn video store and not argue?

Not as long as you have such shitty taste in movies

lt 's not true! How can you not appreciate German Expressionism?

-l love German Expressionism -Right

What l don't like is what you turn into when you watch that movie

You get all fixated on death ''l'm gonna die, you're gonna die''

Fine You watch your stupid titty movie, l'll watch my death movie

-You return yours, l'll return mine -Fine

lt 's her birthday One of these should be free

Romance

The most lmportant part of keeplng a good relatlonshlp golng

Be sure to treasure each one of those moments together ln bed

We haven't had sex in a while

We haven't had sex in like three weeks

You're not even listening to me

No, l wasn't

l said we haven't had sex in like three weeks

Maybe it 's because you clip your toenails in our bed

What 's the real reason?

l don't know

Do you want to have sex right now?

No Do you?

No

-ls there something wrong with us? -l don't know

Maybe we should force ourselves

-What? Like mutual rape? -lt might turn us on

-l'm tired -Me too

-Love you -Love you too

Don't do that You don't know how much that bugs me

l said don't!

lf you do that one more time, l'm gonna scream

l think it 's over

What 's over?

Us l think we're done

What are you saying?

l think l need to break up

What did you just say?

l said l think we should break up

No You said you need to break up

-What 's the difference? -There's a huge difference

Saying ''we'' implies it is mutual Otherwise it means you're ending it

-Are you ending it? -l don't know l guess so

Have you met someone else?

Nothing like that lt 's just we're becoming this old married couple

God lt 's the 13 guys thing, isn't it?

That 's what it is

You've been obsessed with my past, now you want to make it even

Shut up about that lt 's not the 13 guys

l'm over that, l've dealt with that lt 's a non-issue, l promise you

Then why now?

lt 's that l've never been single

l've spent my whole life going from one relationship to another

And l've never been alone

Do you realize what you're saying? Do you realize what this means?

What does this mean?

lt means this is it, the end

And once it 's over, it 's over

Yeah, l guess so

But it 's not like we won't still be friends

Who said anything about being friends?

We love each other l don't wanna lose you from my life

Know that when you get to number 13 l won't be here waiting for you

Give that up, it 's not about that lt isn't working for either of us

-You're not happy, are you? -No, l'm not happy

-So neither of us are happy -You're right l'm miserable

Could you stop? You're packing my laundry now

Breaking up would be the best thing for me!

You know what?

-l feel good No, l feel great -Come back to bed

Already it 's like a weight has been lifted off my head

-Can't this wait? -l can breathe, l can think

All of a sudden life is clear lt 's amazing!

l am so happy!

When l look back at the love l had with Adam

l see a pathetlc potted plant nobody bothered to water

It started out green and lush, then eventually became a drled up stlck

Breaklng up ls llke dylng,slowly

with nobody around

That's why ls so lmportant durlng that dark perlod

to keep yourself busy dolng the thlngs that don't depress you

Fuck me! Jesus! Kate!

l can't believe it

Our relationship hasn't even started decomposing yet

-Who's this? -My friend Kate

Kate, this is my friend Peaches

This must be the friend you just broke up with

And this must be the friend you just started fucking!

Wait, wait

Peaches? My God!

What the fuck is that thing on your face?

-Keep your voice down -What are you doing here?

This is my movie! You came to make out with someone called Peaches?

-How dare you? -l wanna call you Can l call you?

No l'm gonna get over you And when l do, l'll call you

That could take days

Okay, let 's see here

That 's hideous

Here you go Kate, how about this?

No That makes me look like a drug addicted hooker

l wanna look great Like a drug addicted model

l don't see what the big deal is lt 's just a birthday party

Adam's gonna be there

-Aren't you over him yet? -Of course l am

l just want him to feel jealous when he sees me with Jerome Davis

Jerome Davis? Wait a minute

The perverted basketball player who was obsessed with your ass?

He was?

You got a great ass You're a big woman

but your ass is small and compact to fit your size

And yet if you take that ass and put it on your little friend here

it would be fucking huge

That 's it, l'm gone

God!

Thought it was you

l didn't expect to see you here l didn't know Sam invited you

-No Mary invited me -Mary? Of course

That 's great

lt 's nice to see you

l haven't seen you in a while l've missed you

lt 's been a long time

-l'm sorry Hi, l'm Adam -What 's up, Ad? Jerome

lt 's not Ad, it 's Adam What 's up, Jer?

-Why don't l call you tomorrow? -Don't make this a weird thing

-l'll give you a call tomorrow -Give me a call

Give me a call or page me, 'cause my shit 's blowing up now

-Why don't you call me? -l will

l'm running around a lot Star 82 so l now it 's you, l'm screening

-That was really weird last night -l know, that was really weird

-So you're in love? -l should be asking you that

-Why should you ask me that? -You kept kissing that Lolita!

Come on, Michael Jordan was sucking your tonsils out

Where did you find that guy anyway?

-Let 's not get into that -You're bringing it up

-l'm ready to be mature -Me too Absolutely

-How could you go with that freak? -How could you go with that bimbo?

Savannah is not a bimbo She happens to play the harp

Excuse me A bimbo savant

At least l'm not having a fucking hot tub party with Dennis Rodman

-l can't believe you're jealous -l'm not jealous Stop

l don't like her, l don't love her l'll probably never see her again

-l was waiting for you -Noon lt was supposed to be

My harp lesson ended a little early l bought myself some new underwear

-l'm Savannah -Kate

-Adam told me all about you -Really?

Go back to the coffee shop and wait for me l'll be there at noon

-And get me a mochaccino -Okay Nice meeting you, Cynthia

lt 's Kate

l meant Kate

Noon

-That felt really bad -l know, l'm sorry

Don't be, we have to get used to it

l have to go and throw up now

Kate, l miss you so much You're my best friend

-l only feel normal around you -l know

Hopefully over time this is all gonna work out

lt will We just have to let go of those old feelings we had

Fine

So this Jerome guy, was he just like huge?

l just wanna know as a friend ls that bad for a friend?

Was it like, nice surprise big or you better take me home now big?

Was it like l'm in over my head? Was it l'm in over my head big?

As you move on ln your search for love

sex ls the fastest way to erase the past

Promise you'll never leave me

l promise

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Great

The only sex l've had in months and it 's with you

Belng slngle agaln can be dlfflcuIt, but it can also be empowerlng

After my breakup l got out of the house as often as l could

golng to places that took my mlnd off my lonellness

Excuse me l'm looking for a joke gift for a friend's birthday

-What 's the kinkiest stuff you have? -Depends

Do you mean kinky up the butt or just white bread kinky?

Just white bread kinky, please

-Third aisle -Thank you

lt 's a butt plug

Some guys like to put it up their butts

Great Thanks

So what 's a nice girl like you doing at Earl's Pornorama?

l'm here to buy a joke gift for a friend of mine

-l'm not here to talk to strangers -Why are you so nervous?

Are you attracted to me?

God, that is so arrogant!

l feel uncomfortable picking up plastic dicks

with some guy

Wait a minute

Don't l know you?

-Could be -God

Aren't you that guy in movies with the topless ninja girls?

Yeah l've done a lot since then That was some earlier stuff

l'm

-l'm Joey Santino -l know

My ex-boyfriend forced me to watch all your movies

Forced you to?

Well he loves you

Well, not after we fall in love, he won't

l don't date actors

Joey wasn't very brlght But l loved hls lnnocence

lwas golng through my non-judgmental phase

and dldn't want to push people away just for saylng stupld thlngs

l love you

-You've only known me for 14 hours! -l know

l loved you in the first hour, but l waited 13 more to tell you

You just think you're in love 'cause we've been having sex non-stop

How can you be so cynical?

l've never felt this way in my entire life

You're the most wonderful thing that 's ever happened to me

You see? That 's why l don't date actors

And you don't have to say you love me back Because

l just want you to know how l feel

that 's all

Unless you want to l won't stop you from saying

that you love me, if you want to

l like you a lot though

-Hello -lt 's me

Hey,Adam What's up?

Nothing much l haven't seen you for weeks Wanna grab dinner tomorrow?

That 's so sweet, but l can't l'm going out

What about Frlday? Wanna see a movle on Frlday?

No, l can't l'm going to Malibu for the weekend

Malibu? What 's in Malibu?

A big beach

l saw that ln a Thomas Gulde once Who are you golngwith?

Some guy, you don't know him He's got a house over there

-You like him? -What's with all the questlons?

No reason l just want to know if you like this rich Malibu guy

Yeah, l like him

-Do you like him a lot? -Yeah,he's nlce

-Hello? -Do you love him?

l think so, yeah

We've been togetherevery day forthe last couple of weeks

That 's great for you You know what? l gotta run

'Cause l got a date with an actress You know

-l'll call you when l get back -Sure, great

-l can't take it -What?

l cannot

-l can't take it -Just get in here

l thought l was over you l thought l was done

God, this is horrible!

-Please, don't go to Malibu -Are you crazy? lt 's a joke, right?

This is not a joke This is not

What 's wrong? You've been dating nonstop This is the first guy

l've even gotten close to -l know l was wrong, l was silly

l was stupid l didn't know how l felt about you until right now

-What about the actress? -lt 's cancelled, it 's over

-You shouldn't Joey's on his way -Joey?

His name is Joey? How could you date a guy named Joey?

Let 's get back together again l love you Let 's have babies

Stop acting like an insane person! Go home and relax or something

-l love you -Go on your date, you'll be fine

-Could you just tell me one thing? -What?

What 's his last name?

Just tell me his last name

Santino

Santino That 's perfect Joey

Joey Santino, the actor?

My the titty ninja? You fucking hate him!

Actually he's a very good actor

Clearly you haven't seen any of his later work

What, his later work? Motherfucker!

My God! You're kidding me! How could you?

Adam, you have to go

-You shouldn't fall in love -Quit being such a hypocrite

l'm a guy! l fuck! l don't fall in love!

-Maybe you don't -You think Mr ltalian fucking

he's fucking you, he loves you? l don't think so!

-Whatever -l'm fucking out of here, alright?

This is fucking horseshit!

Don't fucking call!

-Are you Miss Kate Wells? -Yeah

l have a message for you from Adam Levy

Even though we're only pals Only pals,only pals

l don't llke the other gals You're my baby

Don't go out with that dumb guy That dumb guy, that dumb guy

lf you do I'll start to cry

You're my baby

Mr Levy would like you to have

an autographed picture of himself

and this Hold on, it gets better

-Cheese sandwich -Thank you

-Hello -Dld the little guy slng?

What do you think?

-You got my picture up? -Adam?

Next to the boys?

Yes, l got the sandwich and l got your picture

-Could you stop torturlng me? -Come over

Get rid of him We'll sport, we'll spoon, we'll do it all

-We'll lay around all day -Adam

What are you wearing?

God, it 's beautiful here

Are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

There's nobody else here

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

-De Niro! -Right

De Niro is the best l swear, l love him He's

De Niro

Yeah He's a good actor

Good?

Good? l mean, we're talking about Robert De Niro here

Good? Come on He's a

Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are good Asparagus is good

De Niro, he's not

l mean, like ''Cape Fear''

Counselor

Come out, come out wherever you are

l know you, you piece of shit! l'm better than you all!

l can outlearn you, l can outread you

l can outthink you

and l can outphilosophize you

And l'm gonna outlast you!

That 's good, right? And ''Raging Bull'', which is

the greatest performance of all time

You're gonna get me down, Ray You're gonna get me down

Are you alright? l know the Heimlich

-You wanna ruin my relationship? -Your nose is so cute

You never tried to get me back before What ego trip are you on?

-Can l kiss it? -What?

-Your nose -Stop screwing up my life

l'm involved with somebody else

Marry me? Please

-Are you listening to me? -l get it, don't worry

l broke up with you 'cause l was inexperienced

You were my third girlfriend How was l supposed to know better?

You had it so easy compared to me l was your 14th You were my 3rd

-Look, you can't -Just marry me

l'm sorry, l screwed up l can't live with this kind of mistake

Don't you see? This is really bad timing

You can't just wait until l'm involved with somebody else

then suddenly propose marriage or profess you love for me

l'll change How does that sound? We're gonna make up a contract

everything you don't like about me l'm gonna change

Death penalty You're against it, l'm for it l'm against it now

We're gonna go do candlelight vigils at the prison

-l don't want you to change -You know what? l won't change

l'm enough l learned that from you We're gonna fly, take trips

l'll go to therapy, l'll get over my fear of planes and we'll travel

Adam, stop it Stop it right now

Alright Let me just ask you then Straight out, all kidding aside

Katie will you marry me?

No

l won't torture anymore then

lf you're happy, l'm happy you're happy

l made you miserable and l'm sorry

-l just want you to know something -What?

l can't be friends l'm just too weak

-Adam -l can't even be around you

You're here like this incredibly juicy ham sandwich

that l wanna eat, and l can't because my lips are sewn shut

-That 's a pretty analogy -You know what l mean

Have a nice life

Don't say that You know we'll see each other again

Yeah, right

ls lnfatuatlon love? No But it feels llke it ls

All those chemlcals ln your braln turn every word he says lnto poetry

Did l ever tell you what l used to do with my little brother?

Whenever he did something wrong, l'd put dog shit under his pillow

l'd say ''Jimmy, go put you head under the pillow and count to 2O''

Half the time he'd get to 1O before he realized what happened

That was pretty stupid

Jimmy? No

He's a lawyer now He's the smartest of all of us

Now you remember me?

Relatlons based entlrely on sex end the mlnute the sex gets borlng

So lf you want it to last beyond borlng sex

You'd bettertry to connect on a deeper level

l brought us some cheese sandwich

Thanks

Do you think people can stay passionate about each other forever?

Yeah As long as they work on the relationship

and don't get fat

l wonder

l'm not sure it 's natural l'd like to think it 's possible though

l think that, over time, we'll come to take each other for granted

And after the years of staying together saying

''l love you'' is like saying ''cheese sandwich'', you know?

Do you know that Robert De Niro is lactose intolerant?

Afterthe lnfatuatlon chemlcals ln my braln stopped muItlplylng

l began to get over my non-judgmental phase

Joey and lwere gonna have a real conversatlon soon

l'm gonna die

-Are you listening to me? -What?

l'm gonna die

When?

Someday

We're all gonna die Watch the movie

Doesn't that bother you?

-l don't think about these things -Why not?

Look, we're in the middle of a movie

That 's when l think about death the most

All these people staring into the darkness freaks me out

-Don't you get that? -No Okay? l don't get that

Why should l get that? l don't wanna get that

That 's the problem We are supposed to get each other

You don't get me, l don't get you

What? What the fuck are you talking about?

You know what my problem is? l'm a floater

l float through life like a corpse on a river

bumping into rocks and logs l don't choose my path

-Shut up! -l just bump into stuff, like you

l bump into you in a porno shop, Boom! l have sex with you

Boom! l'm in a relationship with you l don't think, l just boom!

-Shut the fuck up! -So that 's what l am to you?

l'm just some goddamn log you bumped into in a porno store?

You're wearing sunglasses in a movie theater

-They're subscription -That 's prescription, you idiot!

Okay, Mrs Thesaurus l'm an idiot You know, that 's it

Hasta la vista, baby Here is a man who will no take it anymore

You're all gonna die Think about it

You're all gonna die And nobody will remember you

because they'll all be dead too! Excuse me

Hl, thls ls Adam I'm not home,so leave your message afterthe beep

Hl,Adam It's me

Adam,are you there?

l dldn't wanna call anybody else

Are you okay?

-What 's wrong, baby? -We broke up

-God -l broke upwith Joey

That 's horrible

-l'm such a failure -You're not a failure

l am l am a relationship leper

Not true You have more relationship potential than anybody l know

Fuck potential Anyone can have potential

Are you kidding? Your only problem is bad timing

Two people could be perfect, and if the timing's wrong, it won't work

Bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single

Normal people?

Weirdoes are single because they're weird

but people like us

we're single because we're victims of bad timing

Since when did you have things so figured out?

Since you fell in love and l've lain in bed awake every night and wonder

if l'd ever find anybody who l feel as normal with

No Bad timing, Adam

lf the timing's ever right, you just let me know, okay?

How about now? You think?

Okay, that 's cool Take as much time as you want

Love ls ecstasy and agony

freedom and lmprlsonment

longlng and lonellness

lt 's what keeps us together when life tears us apart

So, when you find that perfect man, hold on tight

And then call me so l can see what he looks like and laugh

because he doesn't exist, you sad, perky

little optimistic suckers

l quit l couldn't do the assignment

l've always felt like a fraud here Everything l wrote was crap

And l'm a total sellout, l can't do it anymore

And honestly l'm sorry if l've caused you any problems

Wait a minute She's way too fat

Everything you've written here has been bullshit?

-Nothing has had a grain of truth? -Nothing

So your research on blow job being able to cure depression

is completely made up

No, actually, that one was true

But it only works for the suckee

The sucker always stays depressed

l told you that

l'm here

Actually, could l ask you a few questions if it 's okay?

Sure Go ahead

-Are you married? -No

-Do you have any children around? -No

Do you feel the need to have sex with a lot of different women?

-No -Are you a liar?

Yes

Just kidding

Good You've got a sense of humor

That was my next question Can you listen?

l'm sorry, what?

-You see how l? -l get it Just one more, l promise

Do you have a problem with complicated women?

Great Let 's go

May l ask you one question?

Of course l'm sorry, ask anything you want

Have you allowed Jesus Christ into your heart?

-God! -lf l could have one moment

-No Get out! -May l?

-lf the next knock is the devil -Go!

-Listen, have you allowed -Go! Now!

Thank you

Hi, are you Kate Wells?

-Yeah And you're Rob, right? -That 's right

Thank you

-Thanks for coming -Nice to meet you

-You're good -Thank you

And nasty

l like my men good and nasty

Thank you

-You got a girlfriend? -Yeah, l do

She's on a date now however

So where's your blind date?

-l told him l was sick -Yeah, you're sick alright

Yeah, from wanting you back

That was incredible

l'm very proud of myself

-l did good, right? -Yeah, you did alright

-lt was different -l surprised you, l know it

-You seemed scared -l wonder where you learned that

We should break up more often

We should

-l love you -Me too

Get out

-So with Joey, was is it now? 16? -Shut up

No, seriously

15 l was 14

What about Peaches? Tell me about Peaches

-l don't wanna know about her -No, you do

Where do you think l learned that thing l did?