Original subtitles

(cars whirring)

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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(boat horn honking)

- Treat the place like your own.

Oh, and remember the downstairs toilet's

a bit tricky at the moment.

It still works, but best to use upstairs if you can.

Was there anything else?

- Just try not to burn the place down.

And when Julie says treat it like your own,

she doesn't mean literally.

You're a guest, so stay in the guest room.

Our room's out of bounds.

No reason to go in there.

Do you understand?

- She'll be fine.

No need for that tone.

- And try not to stay out too long.

We've already had things stolen.

- Don't say that!

You'll scare her.

It's just a couple of garments off the washing line.

Nothing really. - No knickers or anything like that.

- Yes, thank you.

Thanks Annabelle.

Look, here.

- You don't need to give her that.

She's been paid.

- It's not much.

- It's not a bloody charity case.

- Would you just fucking let me do

this one nice thing?!

- God's sake.

I'll be in the car.

- Here.

It's just for a bottle of wine or something.

- Plenty of wine in the fucking house.

- Yes, thank you.

- It'd be nice to still have some here when we get back.

- Yes, thank you.

- If you think you can control yourself.

- Yes, thank you!

Good night and thank you!

- God's sake.

- Thanks, Annabelle.

Well.

(car starting)

(door closing) (mysterious music)

- [Annabelle] There are several advantages

to home sitting for people.

There are the obvious upsides,

like drinking their booze,

eating their food,

going through all their private stuff,

and shagging your new boyfriend all over the place.

(Annabelle screaming)

(glove snapping)

There's also the fact you get to basically live

in lots of different places

that are all nicer than yours.

If you've got the money, you can buy a house.

If you haven't, you can get fucked.

That's the polarized state of things now,

and we probably need a revolution of some sort, but,

fuck it.

There is another major plus for someone like me though.

I get to rob them blind,

and I don't even have to try and break in.

I can't take anything big or obvious,

but earrings, broaches, that kind of thing

is ripe for the taking,

because they very easily could be misplaced.

Particularly if it's something that a lot of people

are likely to own.

I've even got a lucky charm bracelet,

which after house sitting for a lot of people,

I've got nearly all the charms full.

Take a single fork, knife, spoon from a number of houses,

and you've soon got a full set.

Then there's things that are just useful anyway.

Like phone chargers, candles, batteries,

and bathroom products.

And the closest I ever come to being caught

is when they ask. - I was just wondering.

When you were here the other night, did you notice a pair of cuff links?

I seem to have mislaid them somewhere.

- To which I simply reply.

No, sorry.

It must be in the house somewhere though.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm sure they're about somewhere.

I guess they'll turn up.

- Bye now.

- Thanks a lot, bye.

- [Annabelle] It's great.

I barely have to spend any time

living in my crummy little bedsit at all.

And after all the hijinks, sex, theft,

more sex, mischief, and general defiling of your belongings,

you come home and say.

- Thank you so much.

We really appreciate it.

- Here's a little extra something for you.

- [Annabelle] That's right.

- Thank you.

- [Annabelle] Even bloody tip me for it.

My mother always accused me of doing things half-hearted,

and never committing to anything.

Quite a good idea.

Everyone's got stuff that they never use.

And as far as I'm concerned, that's a waste.

See, I'm not a bad person.

I just take advantage of what you take for granted.

I'm your friendly, neighborhood house sitter.

- Simon?

Simon?

Simon?

- [Simon] Hello?

- It's this one.

- [Man] Yes, can I help you?

- [Simon] Sorry about that.

Wrong house.

- [Man] What did you call me?

Bloody hipsters.

(lips smacking)

- Safe.

What's the house like then? - It's all right.

And it's ours for a week.

- Fucking mint. (laughing)

So, what are these ones like then?

- A bit stuck up and weird.

They put a list of rules on the fridge,

and they banned me from going into their bedroom.

- So what are we supposed to do?

- Well, personally, I think we should roll up the list

and smoke it.

But first, I want to go to their bedroom,

and I want you to fuck me in their bed.

(upbeat music)

- They've got a trampoline.

- Yeah.

(Simon laughing)

(Simon coughing)

- Forfeit.

- What's that?

- It's the one where you don't know whether it's Martin or Charlie til the last page.

(paper ripping)

Eat it.

- (groaning) Forfeit.

Annabelle, that was shit.

(Simon laughing)

(both laughing)

(doorbell ringing)

Shit!

- [Simon] What?

- Well, you know when you take out a loan?

- Yeah.

- And you don't pay it back.

- Right.

- Well if you ignore enough of the letters

they start sending people around to find you.

- Shit.

- This job's always been really good

for hiding from them.

And now this assholes tracked me down.

(doorbell ringing)

You answer it.

- What?

- Yeah, tell him I'm at a funeral,

and I'm completely distraught,

and totally uncontactable.

- [Man] Hello?

- Tell him I'm at a fucking funeral.

- Annabelle Hind?

- Now.

- Okay, I'm on it.

(door opening)

- [Man] Hello.

- [Simon] 'Sup mate?

- [Man] Yeah, I'm looking for Annabelle Hind.

Is she in?

- [Simon] No mate.

- [Man] So, she is staying here?

- [Simon] Yeah, but she's not here, you know.

- [Man] Where is she please?

- [Simon] Funeral, very sad.

- [Man] Whose funeral?

- [Simon] Old Aunt Bessie.

- [Man] Aunt Bessie?

- [Simon] Yeah, yeah, very sudden. - [Man] This is a serious matter.

We need to talk to her urgently.

- [Simon] Try tomorrow, mate.

- [Man] Tomorrow?

She'll definitely be here, will she? - [Simon] Yeah, mate, I just told you.

Tomorrow should be fine.

- [Man] Very well.

Your name is?

- [Simon] I'm Simon, house sitter.

(man mumbling)

- [Man] Okay, I'll be back tomorrow then.

- [Simon] Okay.

- [Man] Oh, and give my condolences for her aunt.

What was it again?

- [Simon] Daisy.

- Bessie.

- [Simon] Bessie.

- [Man] Yeah, have a nice day.

- [Simon] Good chat (mumbling).

(door closing)

- What the fuck?

- Ninja. Fucking ninja.

- Why did you tell him I'd be back here tomorrow?

- It got rid of him, didn't it?

- But now he's gonna be back here tomorrow.

- Anyway, that's fine. We'll work something out by then.

Don't worry.

(dramatic music)

- [Simon] What did you take a loan for anyway?

- [Annabelle] Well, I had to pay rent and get the car fixed.

Just before I met you actually.

But now the money's gone, and I'm in no better position.

And I've got debt.

And my landlord's breathing down my neck.

- [Simon] Why is he breathing down your neck?

- [Annabelle] Because I haven't paid him any rent

for the last couple of months.

- [Simon] Yeah, but that don't mean

he can breathe down your neck.

I mean, that's like sexual abuse, man.

- [Annabelle] He's not literally breathing down my neck.

He's just threatening to kick me out.

- Oh, bummer.

This is good, though, innit?

- What's good?

- You looking after places, hanging out.

Don't need to pay any rent for that.

- Bit depressing though, isn't it?

Not having a place of our own to go to.

- But you've got a place.

- It's a bedsit, and a shit hole,

and I'm about to be kicked out of it.

- Well, let's get another place then.

We can do that.

Get a place together.

That'd be cool.

- Well we can't because I have zero pounds,

and you're broke and live in your stepdad's spare bedroom.

- It's more like a cupboard actually.

- Exactly.

I mean, we're screwed.

That's the reality of this.

If we want a place of our own

then one of us is gonna have to get a proper job.

- I've thought about it, and

I don't want a job.

- Neither do I. - Then cool, well that's settled then.

- No it isn't.

Getting a job is the only way out of this.

I mean, it's shit, but we have to join the crap race.

One of us has to get a proper job.

And neither of us wants one.

So, we play for it.

That'd be fair.

They've got a chess set.

- Chess?

- Yeah, we'll play chess,

and loser gets a job.

Okay, we'll play strip chess, how does that float your boat?

Loser gets a job.

- Loser gets a job. (spitting)

- Ew.

- What?

- Oh, never mind.

- I don't like this game.

- It's not a game, it's a contest.

- Well I don't like this contest.

- You're only saying that 'cause you're losing.

- Yeah, but it's not fair.

We're playing chess.

- How's it not fair?

- I don't know how to play chess.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You don't know how to play chess?

- No.

- Like, at all?

- Yeah.

- You're not just really, really shit?

- No.

- Well, what do you know how to play then?

(pieces tinkling)

(dramatic music)

- Shit.

- Yeah, I know.

- I'm not feeling any better.

- Me neither.

- And we're at match point.

- I hate match points.

- Me too.

- Say fuck it, and go to bed?

- Yeah, fuck it, let's go to bed.

(peaceful music)

- You know what we could do?

- What's that?

- We could house sit all over the world.

Innit?

No permanent address.

Get to travel to all these cool places.

Live in all these wicked places and stuff.

No responsibility.

Just got to make sure we don't burn the place down

and that.

- Sounds great.

- Yeah? Think it's a good idea?

- One snag though.

- What's that?

- Well, for us to be able to afford a ticket anywhere

we need cash.

- No, I know.

- We haven't got any.

- I'm not playing chess again.

- I know.

- Stupid fucking chess.

(moaning) You're really good at this.

- What about your stepdad.

- My stepdad's useless.

Well he thinks I'm useless.

- Well, doesn't he want you out of the house?

- Well, yeah, but he wants me to be unhappy

even more than that.

- Unfortunately, I think you're probably right.

- Something will come

along.

Something big.

- Not before I finish you off first.

(Simon moaning)

(laughing) One, two, three, four, I won the thumb war.

- There was this guy once,

I saw it on the telly,

who left his clothes on the beach and went out to sea,

never to be seen again.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, but it turns out he hadn't gone out to see at all.

He just faked it so he could go and do whatever.

- That's nice.

- Yeah, proper freedom, man.

Just out there in the world.

Except they found him, and he ended up in The Nick.

Didn't have to pay any rent though.

(dramatic music)

(door creaking)

- Simon.

I think there's someone in the house, Simon.

(man screaming)

(Annabelle gasping)

(glass breaking)

- Simon?

Simon?

Wake up.

- What?

- Shut up.

- I was shut up before you waked me.

- I think there's someone downstairs.

- What?

What was that?

- It's a burglar.

(Simon screaming)

(Annabelle hushing)

- Are you serious?

A fucking burglar. - Yes.

- But we're the burglars.

We were here first.

- I mean a real burglar, a proper one.

They've broken in and they mean business.

- No shit.

So what the fuck are we supposed to do?

- Go and see them off.

(Simon grunting)

Here.

Use this.

- What, me? - Yes.

- But what if they, you know?

- What? - Try and bum me.

- They're not gonna try and bum you, Simon.

- They're gonna bum somebody.

- They're not here to bum anybody.

There isn't gonna be any bumming.

- You just said they broke in and they mean business.

- They're burglars.

They're here to steal things, that kind of business.

- Oh, yeah, right.

- What's wrong?

- I'm scared.

- For Christ's sake, give me that.

(floor creaking)

What does that mean?

- They do that in the films.

- Okay, well, let's just get downstairs, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah, that's what it means.

(Simon crying out)

(floor creaking)

- Jesus! - Christ!

- She dead?

- No, she's sleeping.

Really bloody heavily too.

- Well, what shall we do with her.

- Well she can't stay here.

Go on, help me get her up.

(Simon breathing heavily)

- To be fair, she don't look much like a burglar to me.

- She's not gonna dress like a burglar, is she?

- My stepdad dresses like a mechanic.

- You're stepdad is a mechanic.

- Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

Are you sure she's a burglar?

- No, she's a fucking Jehovah's Witness.

- Serious?

Jehovah's Witness.

- I've never had to deal with a burglar before.

What should we do?

- Call the pigs?

- Can't call the police,

because then they'll want to know who we are,

and then the Wallace's will find out.

And this place is a tip.

And my stash is here.

- Yeah, you're right.

Let's get her outside and bench her.

- Bench her?

- Yeah, just leave her on a bench somewhere.

- That feels a bit like dumping a body.

No, I don't like it, it's creepy.

Plus it's cold out.

She might freeze to death or something.

- Who cares, Annabelle?

She's a Jehovah's Witness.

- She's a cat burglar.

- She made the choice. - She's a fucking cat burglar, Simon.

- So who's the Jehovah's Witness?

- She's a fucking cat burglar, Simon!

I mean,

well actually, you're right, she did make her own choice.

Fuck her.

- Fuck yes.

That's what I'm talking about.

Let's take her outside.

- Whoa!

Whoa! (Simon screaming)

- Oh shit!

(all gasping)

- The keys are on there.

(Door opening and closing)

- Yeah, that's right.

You better run.

- My God.

- Yeah, I know.

- We just had a burglar.

- Yeah, I know.

- I feel sort of violated or something.

- See, I told you.

She could've bummed us in our sleep.

- I mean, she's been in our, well, not our house,

but our own personal space, you know.

- Yeah, yeah, right.

- I don't think I can sleep tonight.

- Yeah, me neither.

- I might go and make myself a milky coffee.

You know, keep myself awake.

Do you want one? - No, I'm okay, thanks.

I'm gonna go up in the attic,

see if they've got an Xbox or something.

- Yeah, yeah, they may have a man-cave or something.

- Yeah?

Fucking lush.

(pot clanking)

(gas blowing)

- [Simon] Annabelle?

- What?

- You better come and look at this, quick.

(dramatic music)

- Have you found some games or something?

- No, no, no, no, no, come look at this.

- What the fuck?

- They've been spying on us.

- Shit!

Gods, they're either paranoid, or they're perverts.

They're perverts.

Oh shit!

They've got me stealing from them.

- Oh my God.

- I know.

- We look good, man.

- Simon.

- Come on.

We look good. - They've got video of us fucking on their dining room table

in Julie's kimono.

- You know what this means?

- What?

- We can make sex tapes.

- We are not making porn.

- Why not?

It might be worth some money.

- No.

- That could be the job.

- No. - And, we get to work together too.

- No.

- I reckon it's a calling.

- Simon, this is not a calling.

This is a very serious problem,

and it needs to be dealt with seriously.

- Well let's,

just delete it all then, yeah?

- We can't delete it.

If we delete it then they know we've been up here

and we've done something worth deleting.

- Okay, so, I'll nick it all.

- Nick what?

- Everything.

The computers, the cameras, these gizmo thingies over here.

- What, the hard drives?

- Yeah, nick it all.

- How are you gonna do that?

♪ I move my bones in the red heat ♪

♪ I chance my hand in the red heat ♪

♪ Oh, try to break me ♪

♪ Only you can save me, yeah ♪

♪ Oh try to break me ♪

♪ Only you can save me, yeah ♪

- Help me, there were three of them,

and they were all ginger.

(record scratching) Hang on a moment.

Why am I in my underwear?

And why are we blaming this on gingers?

- It will throw them off the scent.

- Okay, first,

blaming it on gingers isn't gonna throw them off the scent.

Second, this house is covered in your fingerprints,

and a few specks of your spunk.

And third, if you run away in my car,

then you can't return with my car,

and I don't want to lose my car.

And lastly, the Wallace's are away for a whole week,

and if you think I'm gonna spend six fucking days

tied to a fucking chair, you're a fucking idiot.

- Oh, right, 'cause of like, toilet breaks and that.

You wouldn't be able to.

(Annabelle huffing)

- We need to find a way of deleting the videos.

But we can't look responsible.

- That's right.

- Or that we even know about any of this stuff.

- Amen, brother.

- So, we've got to erase the videos

from just after the Wallace's left,

by making it look like the system went down.

- Yeah, boy.

- And just didn't start up again.

Questions is, how do we do it?

- Power cut.

- That's a good idea.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

Except, the neighbor's would know there wasn't a power cut,

and Liam is the sort of guy that would mention it.

- Yeah, he is a cunt.

I know, let's just take out the whole street then.

- And how are we going to do that?

- Grab your coat.

- I don't have any coat.

- Grab any coat then.

- Wait, wait, wait, Simon.

- Grab a brolly, it's raining.

- Seriously. - [Simon] Come on!

(footsteps falling)

- Simon!

It's not even raining.

- Fuck, yes, this is it.

(Simon laughing)

- What the bloody hell are you doing?

- Check it out. Me and me mates, we used to do this at school.

We'd chuck stones at one of them

to see if we could knock out the power.

So our parent's alarm clocks wouldn't go off in the morning,

and we'd get to miss school. (laughing)

We used to spend all evening doing it sometimes.

Happy days.

- You used to knock out the power with stones.

- Yeah.

- Did it ever work?

- Yeah, good point.

Or lob a rock at it instead.

Here we go.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no!

(Simon screaming) (electricity sizzling)

(Simon cheering)

- Am I a ninja or am I a fucking ninja?

(Simon yelling)

Wait, what's up?

- We hadn't deleted the videos yet.

- Oh yeah, let's just go back and do it now.

- Well, we can't because you've thrown a fucking rock

at the fucking power.

- Oh shit.

- You get it now?

- That's a problem, innit?

- Yeah, that's a problem.

- Well I can still nick everything if you say.

- We're not blaming it on gingers.

It's not gonna work.

But maybe.

- Have you got an idea? - Well, if we get a magnet and run it over the hard drive,

from a speaker or something,

- Suck the videos out?

- No, no, no.

If we get a strong enough magnet,

run it across the hard drive,

it's what messes everything up.

I mean, there's more damage then I'd like to cause,

but they might,

might think it was caused by the surge from the power cut.

At least the power cut's legit now.

- Well, let's do that then.

- I think it's the only choice we've got.

- Okay, let's go.

That was a good throw though, wadn't it?

Looking forward to getting back in now.

- Yeah, me too.

You gonna open up then?

- I ain't got the keys.

- Well, neither have I.

Oh for Christ's sakes.

- So what, we can't get in?

- No we fucking can't.

- Well, hang about, I'll lob a rock through the window.

- Oh, will you stop lobbing rocks at things

for five fucking minutes, please?

- Okay, sorry, I'm only trying to help.

- I just need a minute to think.

- Okay, cool.

I'll think too, shall I?

It's getting proper cold now, innit?

- (gasping) Wait!

I've got a car key.

- Aren't you like massively over the limit?

- Well, yes, but I'm not gonna drive anywhere.

I was just gonna open the car and turn the heater on.

- Yeah, go on then.

(car doors closing)

Hey.

Why don't we fake our own deaths?

Seriously.

Then we're free to do whatever we want.

You won't have to pay your debts no more.

I'll tell my stepdad,

actually fuck my stepdad.

We can put our plan of traveling into action, start afresh.

That would be a good idea, wouldn't it?

- What?

And they won't think we've gone on the run

when they find the recordings

of us stealing from the Wallace's.

- Oh yeah, good point.

(humming) Tricky.

- We can't fake our own deaths,

and we can't go on the run.

We just need to find a way to get back into the house,

without causing anymore damage,

and that's all there is to it.

- How'd the Jehovah's Witness get into the house?

- Cat burglar.

- How'd the cat burglar get into the house?

I mean, if she can do it, we can do it, yeah.

- Are you a cat burglar?

Do you know how to pick locks?

- No.

- Well, then that doesn't really up then, does it?

- It's getting proper cold now, innit?

Could murder a cup of tea, couldn't you?

- Simon?

(Simon humming)

When you left the house did you turn the gas off?

- Didn't know it was on.

Ah, the power's back.

(house exploding)

Lick it?

- Yeah.

(car revving away)

(bird squawking) (airplane roaring)

- Annabelle?

Annabelle?

Annabelle?

Annabelle?

Annabelle, Annabelle, Annabelle?

- What? - Hey, have you thought

of an idea yet? - No.

- I tell you what.

Now the house has exploded,

it'll be a short sight easier to fake our own deaths.

And the sex tapes aren't a problem anymore.

What?

- Do you love me Simon?

(Simon grunting)

Do you love me properly?

- Sure, why not.

Ow!

What was that for? - What sort of answer was that?

- Fine, I love you, whatever.

- Would you do anything for me?

- Depends what you've got in mind.

- We could fake our own deaths.

- Yeah, wicked. - But it has to good.

- Right.

- So we have to do something first.

- What's that?

- We need remains.

(dramatic music)

Human remains.

- Okay.

- Do you love me?

- Yeah.

- Do you love me, Simon?

- Yeah.

- Do you love me, Simon?

- Yes.

(dramatic music)

(dirt crunching)

- [Annabelle] Have you got it?

- Nearly. There's lots here.

It's not that bad, actually.

- Just hurry up. - I mean, it's not like they're putting up a struggle

or nothing.

- [Annabelle] Just make sure you get a head.

- What's that?

- [Annabelle] A skull or two.

Skull's will sell it.

- You could help.

- I'm holding the torch.

- Hang on.

I think I got something here.

- I can't believe we're doing this.

(Simon grunting)

- Hey, there you go, perfect.

Hey, Annabelle, check it out.

- Oh my God, has it still got brains in it?

- Don't look like it.

Smells a bit though.

- Well, just put it in the bag and fill it in.

- Sure thing, boss.

(Simon grunting) (dramatic music)

- Okay.

So we go back to the house, or what's left of it.

Hopefully it should still be on fire,

or at least be a pile of burning embers.

We throw the bag out of the car, into the fire.

We only need to be there for a couple of seconds.

So if anyone sees us, we're just a couple of

bloody fly tippers or something.

The bag'll burn, leaving the bones,

which'll also get burned.

When the Wallace's are contacted

my name will be mentioned,

and when I'm no where to be found,

they'll just assume that we died in the blast,

and they'll be no need for doing a DNA test.

And then we should've gotten away with it.

Kind of.

I just hope we haven't left it too late.

- Sounds great.

Can we get some food though, afterwards?

I'm starving.

- Oh shitting hell.

- Fuck nuggets.

(gears grinding)

- Annabelle Hind.

I spoke to Simon Hassiter yesterday.

I've returned this morning,

and the bloody place has been burnt to the ground.

Now I hope you're okay, obviously,

but if you are, you need to know,

you are in a lot of fucking trouble now.

- [Annabelle] We've really turned a corner haven't we?

I mean, from petty annoys burglary to grave robbing.

I don't think you can come back from that.

- Yeah, we're not planning on making a habit of it.

It's just a one off, innit?

- That's true.

- So you want me to dump this lot in here?

- Yeah, I think it'll be for the best.

- You want me to lob the whole lot in?

You're sure this time?

- Yeah, just chuck it in.

Throw it as far as you can, so it goes deep.

- Okay, no problem there.

See you, boney.

(water splashing)

Actually, I feel a bit bad saying that.

Might be someone's granddad or auntie or something.

Should we say a few words?

- We can if you like.

- Dear Harry Krishner.

Sorry about the grave robbing and all that.

Didn't mean anything by it, no offense.

Just sort of happened.

Don't chuck this lady or sweet old man out of heaven,

or wherever it is you're from,

just 'cause of our stupid mistake.

Thanks for listening, and have a nice day.

Love, Simon.

Yeah?

- Oh yeah, yeah, that would definitely do it.

- Starving hungry, my dear.

Give us your phone.

- What for?

- Just gonna check and see if anyone's open for breakfast.

There's bound to be.

Especially if we drive out a bit.

Hey, you got a missed call there.

- I know.

I know who it is, and I don't want to talk to him.

(phone ringing) - Shit, it's the Wallace's.

What do I do?

- Well, get rid of them.

No, no, no, wait.

Fuck. (phone splashing)

- What, what, what, what did I do?

I'm not stupid.

You let me chuck Aunt Bessie in there.

- Well, why didn't you go throw yourself in there then?

- Yeah, but, it's fucking cold.

- [Annabelle] When a relationship is new,

it's exciting and fun.

But as time passes, you encounter more problems and issues.

Petty annoyances become the bane of your life.

And when bigger problems arise,

making you hate the situation you're in,

you inevitably look at the person you're with and think,

would I be happier without you now.

Would your absence provide the solution to my predicament.

Or maybe, would my own absence be the welcome break

I've been seeking.

Just go away and forget it all.

Fucking hell.

How did things get this bad?

Oh yeah, I've got a dickhead in tow.

- No, I've had enough all right.

I'm sick of you always tagging along,

and sponging wherever you can.

You never commit to anything.

You only ever do things half-assed.

And you're no help.

You just cause trouble, and make a mess of things,

and I'm sick of carrying you.

I just can't deal with it right now.

It's too much.

(sad music)

- I said I was sorry.

It was a mistake, all right.

I didn't mean anything.

- Christ, you're stupid.

- You know, I don't even know why you're even with me.

I just piss you off all the time.

I can't do anything right.

You think I'm stupid,

and you just get mad at me when stuff goes wrong.

I robbed a bloody grave for you.

How many people could say that?

I do whatever you say, but it just gets you mad,

so I don't get it.

If I'm such a pain the arse,

why are you even with me at all?

- 'Cause you have a big cock.

It fits, and I like it.

- Okay then.

- Why do you like me?

Seems we're asking.

- Well, you're great.

I mean, you're smart, I like that.

And you're a criminal, that's pretty exciting.

- I'm exciting. - [Simon] Yeah.

- I'm not exciting.

- Are you kidding me?

You just blew up a whole house.

That's amazing.

I mean, yeah, that sounds terribly fucked,

but you'll come up with something.

- Really?

- Yeah, you'll come up with something.

I'll have to do a bunch of weird stuff,

and then we'll be sorted.

That's how it works, innit?

We're a team.

And there's a whole wide world open out there.

We just gotta

open it.

- Shit!

- Well, shall we go help?

- Yeah.

- Oh my God.

- Fuck a duck.

It's the Jehovah's Witness.

- Cat burglar.

- What shall we do?

- I don't know about you, but after last night,

I'd quite like some closure.

- What's that? - You know, closure.

- No, I mean what is that?

- Getting over it.

Moving on.

Drawing a line.

Understanding?

I think we should talk to her. - What? Fuck that, Annabelle.

- Well, don't you want to know

how she got into the house last night?

- Actually, that would be cool.

- Exactly. Come on.

Help me get her up.

- Christ, that's heavier than she is.

Isn't she gonna like go crazy when she wakes up and sees us?

- Maybe.

But we could tell her that we're burglars too.

- Are we proper burglars now?

- No, but we'll tell her that.

We'll say we saw her collapse,

and we wanted to check to see if she was okay.

Friendly like.

Once she's settled,

then we'll ask her about the house last night.

- So how long do you think she'll be asleep for this time?

- I don't know.

- What's in the bag do you think?

Swag probably.

You know, stuff she's stolen.

- Let's take a look. - No, don't.

- It might be worth something.

We could do a runner.

- Where are we gonna sell it?

- Well, eBay.

- No, we need cash now.

Not in a few days, and not into some account.

- That's a shame.

- Yeah, I know.

- There might be some cash in there though.

- Maybe.

- Should I check it out?

- Yeah, go on.

- There's probably not any cash in here.

Nope, there's no cash.

- What is in there?

- Just a bunch of crap really.

Stuff she's nicked.

(mumbling) nothing.

(Cat burglar gasping) Well, shit!

(Cat burglar and Simon screaming)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa.

It's okay.

It's all right.

You're not in any trouble.

We just saw you collapse,

and wanted to make sure you're okay.

(cat burglar groaning)

No, no, seriously.

It's okay, you're safe.

- We didn't go for your stash or nothing.

- We're sort of in the same line of business.

- Really?

- Yeah, that's what we were doing in the house last night.

You know, taking advantage.

There's no threat from us.

- Apologies for the knife.

It's fake anyway.

- It's okay. We were pretty freaked out last night as well.

Didn't know what to do.

- Could've benched her.

- Thank you.

- You were going to bench me?

- Yeah. (laughing)

Sorry.

- I'm Annabelle.

This is Simon.

- All right, mate.

- I'm Cat.

- You're a burglar named Cat?

- Yeah.

- Cat, the burglar?

(Simon laughing)

Ignore him.

So, Cat, are you named after some Chinese year or something?

- There is no year of the cat.

Story goes, the cat failed to complete the great race,

so it didn't get it's own year.

Mom considered me a let down since conception,

and gave me the name to drive the point home.

- [Annabelle] Wow. - Yep.

- So what's with all the collapsing?

- Narcolepsy.

It's particularly bad when I'm under stress,

so burglary might not seem a great career choice,

but nobody wants to hire someone

who randomly falls asleep from time to time,

and I've got to do something.

Dear old mom was always on at me to study hard,

so I can get into a top university, meet a good man,

probably a doctor.

Then I'll be provided for when I have beautiful babies.

And I thought,

(record scratching) forget that.

I'd rather, learn a few skills,

make some decent, if dodgy contact,

find places I like the look of,

turn them into projects,

and provide for myself independently.

The only down side is the nodding off.

Seriously, I've had to leave so many bags of loot behind.

It's embarrassing.

- So that's a bit like busting into places

and falling asleep.

- Well, yes, that's exactly what it is.

- That's the shittest burglar I ever heard of.

- Really? Can you pick a lock?

- No.

- Can you disarm an alarm system?

- No.

- Can you open a window?

- I can lob a rock through a window.

- That's not helping.

- Are you guys wearing pajamas?

- Yeah, it's casual.

You like it?

- We had an accident with the house last night.

- What happened?

- We blew it up.

- [Simon] You blew it up.

- I blew it up.

- [Simon] Nothing to do with me.

- Accidentally left the gas on.

- Fucking hell.

What did you do then?

- [Simon] We went grave robbing.

- Thank you.

We did a runner.

There's no evidence left.

And to be fair, with the few dodgy things we've done,

I guess we're kind of on the run.

- Really?

You know you're only about half a mile away, right?

- Yeah, I know.

Trying to figure out whether we should stick around,

take responsibility, own up,

or if we should just go on the run.

Trying to make a plan.

- I've got a plan.

- What's your plan?

- Go traveling, innit?

See the world, fresh start, new identity, live it up.

- Yeah, well that would be nice, but we're broke,

so we can't.

- What if I could get you money?

- [Annabelle And Simon] What do you mean?

- Well, do you think there might be people after you?

- Probably.

If not, there very soon will be.

- Unless you're presumed dead.

- Yeah, I've been saying that.

- Has anyone contacted you since?

- No, not since bright spark here

threw my phone in the reservoir.

- It was a mistake.

It didn't mean anything.

- Have you got a car?

- Yeah.

- And you're not narcoleptic, either of you.

And I know how to get into places,

and there are several that I've been scoping out,

which are ripe for the taking, right now.

I just can't do them all because, A, I tend to nod off,

and B, I don't drive,

so there are only so many bags I can take.

But if you guys have a car,

and you're a bit strapped for cash just at the moment,

maybe we could collaborate.

- What are you saying?

- Well, you've got a car, and I can't drive.

- You can't drive?

You know it's like the twentieth century,

women can drive now.

- I can't drive because I might nod off at the wheel.

- Why is that?

- I'm fucking narcoleptic. - She's fucking narcoleptic.

- Oh, right.

Oh, 'cause you might get a parking ticket

or a wheel clamp or something.

- Anyway, you were saying about the car.

- Yeah, if we team up,

these properties are good to go today.

I can deal with any alarms, and get us in.

If I fall asleep

then you guys just stick me in the back seat of the car.

Either way, we hit up all three houses.

Bang, bang, bang.

Load up on (mumbling) until the car is full,

then we take that fat hoard to a guy I know in the city,

and split the profits three ways.

Either way, that should be enough money to cover you

for whatever you guys decide to do.

Whether it be stick around,

which I think is retarded, by the way,

or skip town all together.

- Hey, Annabelle, I think I've just had a great idea.

- Actually, I did, but whatever.

- This is it, this is it.

This is our big break.

Opportunity knockers, this is our calling.

- It's not a calling, it's a cat burglar.

No offense.

- No, no, it's fine. - And we're in enough hot water as it is.

- Jehovah's Witness or not, we should do this, yeah.

- Sorry, what did he just say?

- This is mint.

Let's do it, yeah.

- We could make a lot of money before the day is out.

If we work together.

- Come on, Annabelle, this is a good idea.

Let's do it, yeah.

- I can show you how to pick locks and stuff.

Teach you some tricks of the trade.

You'd be able to do it whenever you wanted after that.

Wherever you happen to be.

- Fuck yes, we can travel.

No permanent address.

Living the dream, boom shagmaster.

Come on, Annabelle.

- I'm in if you are.

- Please.

- Okay.

- [Simon] Fuck yes. - Wicked.

(upbeat music)

- Is this it?

- [Cat] Yeah.

= Really?

- Yeah, look. All of the lights are on.

It's broad daylight, and the TV is stupidly loud.

Might as well put a sign up saying nobody home.

- Are we sure about that?

- Trust me.

We could sit here watching for the next hour

and you wouldn't see a flicker of movement.

- Shit.

- Someone's beaten us to the job.

- Joking.

- No, there's three of them.

- They're all ginger!

- What?

I fucking knew it.

- I can't fucking believe it.

There's no point hanging around.

Let's blow.

That's good.

Check out the letter box.

I did that.

Stuff a little junk mail in the box then leave it.

If anybody's home, they'll deal with it.

But if it's still there after a few days, shopping time.

Let me show you how to pick a lock.

(upbeat music)

- Now this one's a little trickier,

but the principle's the same.

You see what I'm doing here?

- Yeah.

- Now this is only really necessary

if they've double locked it,

which, to be fair,

people often do when they're away for a while.

- How did you know this place was free?

- This was the easiest one of all.

They keep posting holiday updates online.

Again, you might as well announce that your place is empty.

(grunting) There we go.

Told you.

(upbeat music)

(Simon laughing) - Oh my God. I can't believe we just done that.

We've just fleeced two whole houses.

- I know.

We're fucking professionals, man.

- The boot's completely full.

- I know. (laughing)

- You know, before we flog this lot off,

I know this one other place.

Should be a really good job.

We could stock it all back here with me.

It would certainly mean more money at the end.

Seeing as we didn't do the first place.

- [Annabelle And Simon] Fucking mint.

(mysterious music)

- Okay, this is it.

- Fucking hell, this place is massive.

- They're newlyweds.

Should've gone off on their honeymoon this morning.

- Newlyweds?

- Yeah.

- Can we steal from newlyweds.

I mean, isn't it a bit?

- Not really.

People are scum, newlyweds or not.

They'll screw you over in a heartbeat,

and just call it good business.

We're just getting there first.

Are you not okay with it?

- I'm okay with it.

- I'm okay with it.

- Well, I mean, obviously I'm okay with it.

- Okay, good. Then let me get around the back first,

just to make sure it's all clear,

and deal with any alarms.

You guys stay here, okay.

- Sure.

- Got it.

You sure it's okay to steal from newlyweds?

It's probably okay, isn't it?

I'm sure it's okay, right?

Yeah. - Yeah, cool.

- You're divine.

- Am I?

Nice.

- This could really be it.

I mean, if she manages to sell enough stuff,

and gets a decent enough lump sum of cash,

we could really go somewhere.

We could escape, couldn't we?

- Fuckin' A.

- Oh, wait, here she comes.

- All clear.

Got the big gates open too,

so we can park up around the back.

- Okay.

(mysterious music)

- Shit, man.

I'd love a place like this.

Proper nice.

- Here, look.

You've seen how I do it, right?

Why don't you give it a go?

- Me?

- It is the last place.

Go on, you know what to do.

(Simon squawking and laughing)

- Oh my God!

They've got a pool back here.

Fucking mint.

- That's it.

Now, lever it down a little bit more.

Now, holding that position, gently rotate both hands

until you hear it click.

(lock clicking)

- I did it.

- Yeah, good job.

- They didn't even double lock it.

- You got lucky, I guess.

- Hey Simon.

- What's up?

- I just did the lock.

I got us in.

- Oh, nice one.

(Cat collapsing)

Oh, bollocks.

- Fucking hell.

Okay, no biggie.

We knew this could happen.

Help me get her in the back of the car.

(dramatic music)

Right, let's get stocked up then.

- Diamond.

(car door closing)

Fuck, yes, this place is awesome.

- I know.

We should have a look round first though, shall we?

- We should've come here first.

- Doesn't matter, we're here now.

What's through here?

- Christ!

- She wasn't kidding, was she?

- Presents.

I fucking love presents.

- It's like they've bagged them all up for us.

- You want to take these things?

- Well, don't you?

- Fuck yeah, presents.

It's the best thing we've found all day.

- Okay, but first,

we should find out the stuff that Cat can sell.

(car running)

- What the fuck?

- I can't believe it.

- She stole our fucking wheels.

- She fucked us.

- I can't believe she fucked us.

- Well that's what you get for trusting a burglar,

I suppose.

A proper one, I mean.

- Well, we still get to keep the stuff from here though.

Right?

- Yeah, but who are we gonna sell it to?

- I don't know.

- We need cash, not stuff.

I suppose we should have a look through the wedding gifts.

- Yeah, I want the presents.

- I know you do.

Come on. (dramatic music)

- Hey!

I bet you get all sorts of free stuff and upgrades

when you travel wearing this lot.

- That's not a bad idea.

And check this out.

There's a few hundred quid here as well.

- Fucking yes, mate, this is it!

This is it!

- I guess it's a start.

- We just gotta do it, man.

That's all we gotta do.

- Come on, then.

- Dress up!

It's fucking dress up!

You're looking really good.

- You're looking pretty dapper yourself.

- Come on then, let's go.

- No, no, no, hold your horses.

- What, what?

- Well, shouldn't we get some more clothes to get changed into.

You know, so we don't have to spend any money

on a new outfit, before we get some from somewhere.

- Yeah, good idea.

- Okay, you stay here, see if there's anything else we need.

I'll go upstairs, pack a bag of clothes,

and we'll be down here in five minutes for a taxi.

- Yeah?

We're really doing it, for proper?

- Yeah, taxi in five minutes.

- Five minutes, nice one.

- Okay.

Simon?

- You get it?

- Did you light some candles?

- No.

Why, what's up? - I think there might be someone in the house.

- What?

- I think there might be someone in the house.

- Fuck.

Let's get out of here.

- No, not likely, there's double locks.

- So what do we do?

- Let's go out the back.

- Okay, good idea.

I smell gas.

- Yeah, me too.

(door opening)

(gas leaking)

- Oh shit, it's Dave Arjue.

- [Both] Run!

(dramatic music)

(house exploding)

(second explosion)

- Holy Christ!

That's two.

Two houses in 24 hours.

- That was a close one though, wadn't it?

Phew. - Fucking Cat.

- Hey? - Tried to kill us.

- What, on purpose?

- Yeah.

- Tried to kill us?

- Yeah.

- The fucking cat did it?

- No.

Jehovah's Witness.

- Fuck. - I know.

- I can't believe she tried to kill us.

- Used us completely.

- Flipping heck.

- There goes all the money, and the clothes.

Oh, Simon, I'm not gonna fuck you now, this is serious.

You had it down your pants?

- Yeah, for safety and that.

So we get a taxi now, right?

- Fucking A!

(both spitting)

- Shouldn't we get like, revenge or something?

- Haven't you read Moby Dick?

- Hey?

- I'm sorry, of course you haven't read Moby Dick.

- Are you talking about my massive knob again?

(peaceful music)

(upbeat music)

- [Driver] Are you guys on honeymoon then?

- Yeah, we're going traveling.

The good times start here.

- Oh, congratulations on your happy day.

May the Lord shine his light upon you.

Can I persuade you to take a flyer today?

- What are you, man?

- I'm a Jehovah's Witness.

(punch landing)

- Are you getting married?

Let's see if I can't get you bumped up to first class.

- [Annabelle] So, decisions made, wheels in motion,

and we're off.

Call it running away if you will, but frankly,

whatever gets your ass into gear has done the job.

So, blah.

We're heading out

to start afresh,

see the world, and, of course,

see loads of your houses.

Always vigilant.

Always checking for cameras.

And always making sure the gas isn't on.

We are your friendly, world-wide, home sitters.

(phone beeping)

- Annabelle Hind.

Fuck it.

I quit.

Yeah, you heard.

I fucking quit!

- [Man] You can't fucking quit.

Your fucking job.

- [Debt Collector] I do fucking quit!

- [Man] You can't fucking quit!

(upbeat music)