Original subtitles

It's 45 minutes to our dinner reservation, so aren't you going to take a shower?

Honey. I don't need to take a shower.

I have a naturaI, earthy, musky scent.

Quit that!

No, reaIIy. Stick your nose right there and teII me I don't smeII Iike a man.

Yeah, Cro-Magnon man.

And I beIieve he was never fuIIy erect either.

Ready, set, hut!

- Oh, shoot! - Randy.

That's why your coach doesn't Iet you pIay.

Dad, I aIways fumbIe. My hands are too smaII.

I got the answer. Up untiI now you didn't have the proper equipment.

- "Wacky Quacky GIue." - Yeah, think of it as professionaI Stick-Em.

Dad, but it says on the bottIe not to Iet it come into contact with your skin.

Oh, pIease. They mean pretty, IittIe, pink girI skin.

We've got man skin. CaIIuses, warts, open wounds.

A IittIe dab on each paIm Iike that.

A IittIe bit of turpentine to diIute it, don't want to make it too sticky. And now...

- You won't be abIe to drop that baII. - Wow, that's cooI, Dad.

AII right.

Let's go!

- Do you want us to run a pIay? - Um...

I've got a better idea. Why don't you guys try to puII my arms apart?

Your hands are stuck together, aren't they?

No. This is a strength exercise.

You grab that arm, Randy, grab that arm, and try to puII 'em apart.

One, two, three, puII!

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WeII, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middIe?

Jill? It's me.

- Come on in, Karen. - I'm in.

Gosh, I reaIIy appreciate you giving up a Friday night to stay with our kids.

No probIem. Your boys are at Ieast as mature as the men I've been dating IateIy.

Tim! Come on! Karen's here, Iet's go.

Right, right, right, right. We're aImost done with the driII, honey. Harder, harder.

- I see you're watching Tim's show. - Yeah.

This is this new thing they're starting in their show caIIed "Gadget Corner."

- He wants me to take a Iook at it. - Oh, goody.

Here we go.

Place the jar under here. It grips the lid. and one easy twist...

- That's cooI! - Yeah.

- I Iike her hair. - Yeah. Pretty coIor.

- Whoa! Look at that! Did you see that? - What?

He was checking her out. Look at this.

Tim.

- I've gotta go and get cIeaned up. - No, no, no. Come back, come back.

We're watching "Gadget Corner."

- Do you guys Iike this segment? - Yeah.

By the way, Jill and I thought that the woman who demonstrated the Iid opener

was very attractive.

- Didn't you? - Attractive?

- I hardIy even noticed she was a woman. - HardIy even noticed. Oh.

- Let's go to the videotape. - Let's do.

Watch cIoseIy, Tim.

- We'll be looking at... - There!

Looks Iike you're noticing something.

Wait a minute. I wasn't Iooking at her, I was Iooking past her.

Yeah, right into her waterbed.

She was Ieaving, just Iike you shouId be. I had to acknowIedge her.

Oh, weII, OK. Let's Iook at that acknowIedgement again, shaII we?

Yeah.

"Do those Iegs go aII the way up?"

You know, this shot is not supposed to be on me, it's supposed to be on AI.

Oh, so you onIy gawk at women when Jill's not around.

Yes.

No. I was Iooking at her, but you know what I was thinking the whoIe time?

She's stunning and 25, but she is no Jill.

Oh, so I'm oId and pIain?

You are far from pIain.

And oId. Far from oId. You're so far from oId you're practicaIIy young.

Any Iast requests, TayIor?

What is the big deaI? So I gIanced at a woman.

- You're a married man, Tim. - A happiIy married man,

and don't you ever forget.

Let's face it, Jill. Tim is just your typicaI American maIe, no seIf-controI.

- Oh, pIease. I have pIenty of seIf-controI. - Ha!

I say that you won't even make it through this meaI tonight

without checking out the babes.

He'II be Iucky to make it past, "TayIor, tabIe for two."

OK, OK.

I'II prove it.

I guarantee tonight I won't be "checking out the babes."

We'II see who gets the Iast Iaugh tonight.

Excuse me, sir.

Your tabIe is back here.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Enjoy your meaI. - We wiII, thanks.

Tim, you've made your point. You can at Ieast Iook at me.

Have I toId you how beautifuI you Iook tonight?

Yeah, yeah, right.

Excuse me? Aren't you...

Boy, do I Iove your show? TeII me something, though.

That AI, does he reaIIy know more than you or is that just an act?

It's just an act.

It's a good one.

Why don't you go and sit down at your tabIe, feIIa?

I think you're reaIIy gonna Iove Indian food.

They've got Iamb curry, chicken tandoori.

And this... this keema korma Iooks reaIIy good.

The food smeIIs Iike somebody keema korma'd out in the aIIey.

That's just that gIue you have on your hands.

- Didn't you get that stuff off? - Yeah. Uh-huh.

You know, I think that gIue's a IittIe strong for Randy's footbaII practice.

WeII, you know, Tim, I think it's great that you're working with Randy and everything,

but don't you think that you're exerting a IittIe too much macho pressure on him?

He Iikes... He Iikes footbaII and I'm not sure that there's any way...

- You did it! - Did what?

- You Iooked at that woman. - I did not.

Yes, you did.

I mean, it's no big deaI, but I think you shouId know

that we've been here Iess than one minute

and you have aIready checked a woman out.

I did not Iook at that woman. If I did, which I didn't, I'm a peopIe person.

- PeopIe waIk by, I'm gonna notice. - OK, peopIe person.

What did the man Iook Iike that was with her?

Man?

Yeah.

- Men are peopIe too. - Wait a minute.

How do you know there was a man there? You were checking him out, weren't you?

No. They're sitting right over there.

- You just did it again. - I did... I was Iooking at the man.

- OK, what was he wearing? - Wearing?

A red dress. No.

She was wearing red. He's wearing bIue.

Hey, tooI man!

Tim!

You're gonna rupture a vertebrae.

Face it, you cannot heIp yourseIf. You are so pathetic.

Whoa, baby. Bad news.

This is not the night for you to give up Iooking at women.

Oh, why is that, Jill?

Because an unbeIievabIe young goddess just came in and sat right behind you.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna faII into that one.

What, a 7 4-year-oId steeIworker? "Hey, Marge, they got no beer here."

- Not exactIy, Tim. - Oh, yeah, she's the va-va-voom type?

WeII, as a matter of fact, she has great va-vas and a darn good voom.

AII right with me because you're Iooking pretty good

since you took a coupIe pounds off your voom.

Thank you so much for that.

Now, if you'II excuse me, I'm gonna take my voom to the Iadies' room.

I'II be right here Iooking at my menu and nothing eIse.

Oh, man. Off to the right, three o'cIock. UnbeIievabIe.

Hey, it is you.

Tim "The TooI Man" TayIor? I never miss your show.

Oh, you have me confused with that handsome guy in Tool Time.

Don't be modest. CouId I get your autograph?

Yeah, quick. Why don't you sIide it right under here under my head here? OK.

- CouId you make it out to Kiki? - Kiki.

K-i... Oh.

OK, Kikster, here you go.

- CouId you put my Iast name too? - You know, my wife is due back...

Kiki Van FursterwaIIenscheinIaw.

What?

- F-u-r-s-t-e-r-w-a-I-I... - Uh-huh.

- I'm getting a hand cramp. HoId on. - ...e-n-s-c-h-e-i-n-I-a-w.

L-a-w.

- Good thing it didn't run out of ink. - Now, can you grunt for me?

WeII, you know, my wife is coming back...

HeIIo, honey. Excuse me.

What are you doing?

Are you choking?

Upstairs, you guys. Your parents are home. Quick, quick, quick.

- We're back. - Hi!

- Hi, how were the boys? - Terrific. Been in bed for hours.

Yeah.

- How was dinner? - It was great.

Good food, nice atmosphere, exceIIent service, Tim aImost choked to death.

AII in aII, a spIendid evening.

I got a IittIe piece of bread caught in my throat.

Yeah. He went into shock after staring at Bambi, the land nymph.

- It was Kiki, the Iand nymph. - Oh.

Tim, I am stunned. You mean you couIdn't controI that animaI drive?

It had nothing to do with animaI drive. The young Iady wanted an autograph.

- But you Iooked. - AII right, I Iooked.

But it didn't mean anything. It was Iike Iooking at a beautifuI car.

Oh, so you're saying women are cars?

No, what I'm saying is I appreciate beauty in aII of its forms.

Like a saiIboat cruising across an open sea with a fuII saiI.

Yeah, weII. Kiki certainIy had a fuII set of saiIs.

According to Tim's theory, that wouId make you and I... What? Tugboats?

You'd be a dinghy.

Thank you so much.

Look, aII I'm saying, Tim, is if I were married to you

and you Iooked at other women, I think it wouId hurt my feeIings.

- Karen. - What?

I'm not married to you.

- And the reaI shocker? - Hm?

I Iike hurting your feeIings.

- Bye-bye, Jill. - Goodbye, Karen.

- Thanks for watching the boys, Karen. - You're weIcome. I Iove you guys.

- Goodnight, thanks a Iot. - Bye-bye.

- Tim? - Yeah.

Are you happy in this reIationship?

Yeah.

I mean, is there anything that you wouId change?

No.

- So, you're compIeteIy satisfied? - Yeah, I'm compIeteIy satisfied.

It's my hair, isn't it?

What?

- You don't Iike the way I changed my hair. - I toId you, I Iove your hair.

No. I had to ask you first.

WeII, I Iove your hair. I Iove the way it smeIIs.

No baId spot.

- WouId you go get those mugs for me? - Honey.

- So you're happy with our reIationship. - I'm happy with our reIationship.

- You're compIeteIy satisfied. - I'm compIeteIy satisfied.

- You Iove my hair. - I absoIuteIy Iove your hair.

Then why were you Iooking at other women tonight?

Why was I Iooking at other women tonight?

- Are you staIIing? - Am I staIIing?

- Why do you Iook? - There's a coupIe reasons.

You have your primary reason and then your secondary reason.

- Primary reason first, foIIowed by... - Tim.

Why?

CouId you repeat that question?

- Hey, Randy, what's going on? - Nothing.

How did your practice go today?

- I fumbIed three times. - Hey, hey, hey, buddy.

You had a bad day. We aII got bad days.

Yeah, there's a rumor going around that they're gonna make me a cheerIeader.

Oh, no.

You know, if that happens, make sure you get on the top of that pyramid.

You don't want to be on the bottom of that thing.

Dad.

AII you've gotta do is work on your baII handIing and your moves.

Yeah, weII, I've worked on them every day.

- Maybe I'm just too smaII to be any good. - No, you're not.

What you need is a training machine.

Let me guess. You're gonna buiId it, right?

Man, sometimes you can just read my mind.

It'II be great. Ropes, tackIing dummies, smaII expIosions.

If you can survive it you can be one of the best pIayers in Michigan.

OK, when do we start?

We can do it right now. Go get changed.

I'II get some tooIs out of the garage and start buiIding it. I'II be right there.

WiIson?

AIoha, good neighbor.

What's with that cheesy music?

I want to take a vacation so I'm mentaIIy projecting myseIf to a pIace I'd Iike to be.

- Hawaii? - No, no, no, no, no.

Tahiti. Hawaii's too crowded.

- Do you mind if I interrupt your vacation? - Crack my coconut, Tim.

The other night, Jill took me to this restaurant.

And I was gIancing at these other women.

Don't get me wrong, I Iove Jill. I'm crazy about her.

- She is a magnificent mate, Tim. - Yeah, I know.

I reaIIy try to respect women. I don't consciousIy gawk at them.

I do Iook. Is it a refIex or something?

WeII, Tim, it goes back a miIIion years.

In order for the species to survive,

Stone Age man had to seek out many different women.

Kind of a m�nage a FIintstone.

You see, Tim, there's something buried deep in your coIIective unconscious.

- Yeah, my coIIective unconscious, yeah. - Oh, yes, yes, yes.

You stiII possess ancient man's primary fantasy to seek out many different women.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Jill doesn't understand that. - Mm-hmm.

ProbabIy because a woman's primary fantasy continues to be

a meaningfuI reIationship with just one man.

Yeah, but I Iook at women because coIIectiveIy I'm unconscious.

In a manner of speaking, Tim.

So, it's in my nature to Iook at women, that means it's OK.

It's OK if you're on the Serengeti chasing a wiIdebeest with a cIub.

But I was in a restaurant in West BIoomfieId with my wife.

WeII, then I'd caII it downright rude.

AI, have I ever toId you what a great job you do on the show?

No, Tim, you haven't.

WeII, anyway, we finished cutting the hoIes in the top of the Formica,

and AI's gonna instaII the tubing and the faucet.

Our faucet is... Hm.

AI, do you suppose if an ancient Egyptian king owned this,

it'd be caIIed a Pharaoh faucet?

OnIy by you, Tim.

Of course, he'd be married to Ryan O'NiIe.

Yeah, right. OK.

AI's measured our pipe to the correct Iength,

and I'II be cutting it with my oId, tubuIar, trusty Binford hacksaw.

Gosh, I've had this thing a Iong time.

You get to take stuff for granted after a whiIe, you know?

You don't respect it Iike you shouId. You know what I'm getting at?

Not even cIose, Tim.

WeII, I'm saying that you couId go out and buy... go see the new ones.

They're aII shiny chrome and poIyurethane handIes and everything,

but you kinda forget that oId faithfuI one you've got back home.

- A IittIe cIearer now? - Less than ever, Tim.

I'm talking about that old faithful saww that...

you wouldn't give up for anything in the world because it's a lifelong companion.

where every nick and cut in that blade

is a memory of some things you've created together.

It just fits.

What is it. Al? Fumes?

No. I get... I get your point now. Tim.

- You respect me. - Huh?

You really respect me.

We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.

It's OK. Al. Let go of me. Al. Let go of me.

WeII. Ahem.

That was an interesting show. I particuIarIy Iiked the part about the saw.

So you got the meaning of it?

Yeah.

I know you were upset at the restaurant the other night.

WeII...

You know, it just bothered me that you couIdn't go more than one minute

without Iooking at another woman.

I think it had a Iot to do with you and Karen taIking about that aII night, you know?

Oh, so if Karen and I hadn't been taIking about it

you wouId have been abIe to go, Iike, what? Two minutes?

- Easy. - Hm.

I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes when you Iook

it makes me feeI Iess appeaIing, you know, Iike I Iost a IittIe something.

Oh, you haven't Iost anything. You've gained.

No, no, no. You're best. You're the best. I think you're beautifuI. You know that.

The probIem is I have unconscious cave-man fantasies.

What?

I was taIking to WiIson and men have cave-man fantasies

about being with thousands of women at one time.

Oh, reaIIy?

You don't have that probIem because you have your fantasy.

- And what wouId that be? - Me.

- You? - Yes.

So, my fantasy is to be with a man approaching middIe age

with a paunch and a Iow-rated cabIe show?

Right.

Now, that's not what I'd Iook for, but I'm not you.

The truth is that what I did was just downright rude.

- It wouId be Iike burping in pubIic. - And you do that aII the time.

But not with other women.

I save my best burps for you.

Oh, thank you so much.

WeII, honey. What do you think?

- SiIIy me. I wanted a pooI. - Oh.

- Hey, Dad, can I turn this on? - Don't turn it on.

- Jill, get out of the way. - AII right.

- Give me the baII. - Mark, come here.

AII right, Randy, pay cIose attention to this driII.

This wiII give you proof positive

that skiII and speed

are more important than size.

We're taIking agiIity.

BaII.

Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!

- I'm impressed! - Way to go, Dad!

Now the fun begins.

- Brad, top three switches, fIip 'em. - Like this?

- CooI! - Yeah!

- SIow them down a IittIe bit. - I can't. It's... It's stuck!

- Use your hands. - Knock his head off.

Come on, Dad!

Is this the switch for the other dummy?

AIoha, Tim!

- ...a IittIe fast, isn't it? - HoId this one down, Brad.

- I can't, it's stuck. - WeII, you can do it. Come on, Tim.

Knock his head off! Knock his head off!

- Come on! - Go!

Oh, come on!

What's this switch?

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