Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[upbeat swing music with female vocalist]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

I've got a secret

That I carry

Everywhere I go

I try to keep it quiet

Otherwise, there'd be a riot

People don't understand, no

It's not easy being me

It's a great responsibility

'Cause I'm the greatest lover

The world has ever known

But nobody knows it by me

Now some people think that they've got it good

But they don't have

A clue

Sometimes I tremble

Knowing I could kindle

Any heart to flame

I am the greatest lover the world has ever known

And just between you and me

I am the greatest lover the world has ever known

But nobody knows it but me

[birds chirping]

[quirky piano music]

[phone ringing]

- [Daddy] You've reached Zach Rosenstern.

Please leave a message.

If it's important, I'll call you back.

[answering machine beeps]

- Hey, Daddy, it's me.

I'm just callin' to tell ya these bills are comin' in,

and I'm wonderin' if you've sent my allowance check yet.

Okay, well, just gimme a call.

And hello to Laney Druff...

Hmm, hello to Stepmama.

I love you. Bye.

Rolling. Hello, lovelies.

Thanks so much for all of your recommendations

for a new catch phrase.

I especially love your ideas

of everything's coming up Gilda,

got Gilda, and what you talkin' 'bout, Gilda Sue.

It's "The Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show."

Hello, lovelies.

I am Gilda Sue Rosenstern.

And y'all, I'm just tickled pink to be here.

Today, we're celebrating with mimosas,

which frankly, I find much tastier without the OJ.

Mm.

In fact, I think I'm in need of a little bit

of what I love to call hair of the puppy dog,

'cause I think I still might be just a teensy bit tipsy

from drinking margarita pitchers last night

at my favorite little bar Bitch!.

This time on "Used Book Club!,"

we're discussing "The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie.

I did not understand one word of this crazy book.

[answering machine beeps]

Daddy, it's me. Do you ever have your phone on?

Because the bills just keep coming.

I don't know if you know this,

but if you don't pay 'em, they keep sending you more.

So I was just checking in one more time.

Y'all, I'm beginnin' to realize

that I'm way more out of shape that I ever knew.

But the best place to find health and fitness advice

is right here in my favorite little magazine "Shrew!"

Y'all, this women's magazine is chock-full

of everything every modern woman needs to know.

I mean, it's full of tips about dating men,

tips about raising children.

They're often the same thing.

I can work out myself, all by myself, and so can you.

So I got myself a little exercise ball.

So we're gonna start on it.

I don't really know what you do on it.

[ball creaking]

That feels good.

I like that.

You can do this.

You can do 'em bigger. That feels really good.

[ball groans] Oh!

[fist banging]

- Gilda Sue!

Gilda Sue!

I know you're home. I can hear you in there.

- Senor La Casa, is that you?

Uh, I'm...

I can't come to the door right now. I'm in the shower.

- I know you're not in the shower. You're right by the door.

Do you have your rent yet?

- Uh, well, [stammering] honey, I can't hear you

with the water runnin'.

- I know you're not in the shower. [sighs]

Look, just get me my money, okay?

I got bills of my own, you know?

[complaining in Spanish

]

- And like any good half-Jewish girl on Yom Kippur,

I always spend some time afflicting my soul

in accordance with Jewish tradition,

but it gets old fast.

Our next letter begins, "Help!"

Hon, don't plotz.

I find the best way to deal

with uncomfortable feelings in general

is just to ignore 'em.

Push 'em down. Push 'em deep, deep down.

I don't know why more people just don't do what I do.

Pick up the phone, honey, and call your daddy.

[phone ringing]

- [Daddy] You've reached Zach Rosenstern.

Please leave a message.

If it's important, I'll call you back.

[answering machine beeps]

- Hey, Daddy, it's me again.

Just wonderin' if you're not even gettin'

any of my messages.

I been leavin' you a lot of messages?

[fist banging]

- [Senor La Casa] Gilda Sue!

- [Gilda Sue] So I was just checkin' in one more time.

[fist banging] - Gilda Sue!

- [Gilda Sue] Everything's fine here.

Everything's just fine here. [fist banging]

- I can hear you in there. - Um, just gimme a call,

you know, whenever it's convenient for you.

I'm right by the phone.

[bustling classical music]

- [Daddy] Please leave a message.

If it's important, I'll call you back.

[Daddy's voice echoing "If it's important"]

[spooky music]

If it's important, important, important,

important, important, important.

[eerie ambient music]

[wind chimes clattering]

If it's important, important, important.

It's important, I'll call you back.

[eerie dreamlike music]

[wind chimes clattering]

[man cackling]

[Gilda Sue shrieks] [Gilda Sue breathing heavily]

[Gilda Sue sighs]

[neon sign buzzing]

[soulful swing music]

- [Pearl] Girl, that sounds awful.

- [Nunzia] It does.

- Did he have anything to say about me?

- [Gilda Sue] Who?

- Mr. Death?

- [gasps] Death?

[cell phone chimes] Oy!

My landlord.

Do y'all know Daddy hadn't paid my rent this month.

- Girl.

- I know.

He's actin' super meshuga.

He's not returnin' any of my calls.

[sighs] If he doesn't hurry up and pay my phone bill,

he won't be able to return my calls.

- [Pearl] Did he comment on anything in particular?

- Daddy?

- [Pearl] [sighs] The Grim Reaper?

- [gasps] The Grim Reaper? Oy!

- Like, did he have any advice on your fall wardrobe?

Would this blouse make me look gay?

- Is this my "Shrew!"?

- [Pearl] You left it here on Strip Trivia Night.

[Gilda Sue groans]

- It's pretty.

I can give you a mother of pearl mani to match it.

- Oy, this is terrible.

- I think it's delicious.

- Not the drink, Nunz! My dream.

Y'all! I am runnin' outta time.

- Don't be silly, Gilda Sue.

What is it you want more than anything else

in the entire world?

- Fame.

- What do you want second most?

- Fortune.

- Do you have a third choice?

- Mr. Right?

- Mr-E-Date.com.

[dramatic music]

It's where I'm gonna go find my Mr. Right.

[dramatic music]

- Huh?

- [Announcer] Welcome to Mr-E-Date.com,

where all the dates are dreams,

because we don't do duds.

[sultry jazz music]

[birds chirping]

- I got plenty of money, I mean, seriously.

Really, I got money to burn.

She is my daughter,

but she's 18.

She needs to get a job, pay her own damn bills,

and quit taking advantage of her old man.

Yeah, I cut her off.

I mean, that's,

that's what you would do, right?

Am I- [suspenseful music]

- Right there on top of her table,

there's this naked dude yelling.

Oh, and I know this is true,

because my friend knows this chick.

He's yelling, "Look at it, look at it, look at it!"

And so, she does.

And then, [laughing] this is so gross.

Blech.

She goes to the doctor, and the doctor tells her

that, in her eye, there's a-

[suspenseful music]

- Crab.

Maryland crab cakes.

Hmm, I wonder if it's mostly crab or mostly filler.

I'd bet it's mostly filler.

See, I'm from Maryland, and we prefer the kind

with barely any filler,

'cause that way, you get all the flavor.

Maryland has the best crab cakes.

I remember, in Rehoboth, there was a chain

that I used to go to with my brother.

In fact, he bought his favorite flip-flops there.

Sometimes I get some frozen at Costco.

And I've noticed that the quality

is starting to wane,

and, uh, well, if I had renewed my membership.

[soft jazz music]

- It's simple, Gilda Sue.

God made us in his image. We do not need to evolve.

You'll never catch me doing it anyway.

- Pearl, honey, can I get a side of potatoes please?

- Oh, honey, are you sure?

Those trousers are pretty tight.

Aren't you training with Jamal again?

- Yes, Mama.

- Well, I'm glad you're back in the gym.

You just look better thin. Well, thinner.

- [sighs] And can I get some ketchup too please, hon?

- Well, the servers are marrying the ketchups right now,

but I'll find you a bottle.

[Gilda Sue mutters]

- Marrying the ketchups?

- What now?

- Even Pearl ought to know that marriage

is between one man and one woman.

- Oy!

And apparently, that one man's one ex-wife.

- Oh lord, can we have one meal

without discussing my love life?

- How is Daddy by the way? He doesn't return my calls.

- Oh, Gilda Sue.

- It's that Laney Druffle, isn't it?

- Well, she's Laney Rosenstern now, Gilda Sue.

- I swear she hadn't changed since high school.

- She and your daddy are having some trouble apparently.

- Well, it's no wonder.

You know, you and Daddy oughta be ashamed of yourselves.

- Your daddy and I were married once!

And in the eyes of God, no matter what, we always will be.

So technically, that doesn't make us adulterers.

- Technically, it makes you Mormons.

- Watch your mouth!

- Hey, Gilda Sue, I had an idea that could help you

with your Mr. Right problem.

I think you should immediately get on muh-face.

- Good lord!

- Pearl, I never been a friends with benefits type of girl.

- No, muh-face, it's a social networking site.

- Oh, you have 24,362 pals?

- [Donna Sue] Hmm, is everybody in the world on that thing?

- That's what makes it so great.

I don't think they can Mr. Right off muh-face if they tried.

[lively world music]

- You don't remember the Pork Grind?

That was my signature move.

Then, see, I'd follow it up with the Sizzler,

and finish 'em off with the Hambone. [grunts]

I miss the spotlight, but I'm gonna be back.

Anonymity has never been what the good Lord God had in mind

for the Burning Ham from Birmingham. [coughs]

So what is it that you do? [chuckles]

Uh, it is Tilda, isn't it?

Tilda Lou, right?

[lively world music]

- I'll bet you a dollar you can't find other saturated fats,

preservatives, artificial sweeteners on this list

the poisonous place calls a menu.

If I had my way, all these restaurants would be outlawed.

All the chefs would be tarred, feathered,

and drug through the bloody streets by their cankles.

- Oh! - It really does make me sick.

That's why I bring my own snacks, just in case.

Would you like some?

You're welcome to some if you'd like.

- Thank you, no.

[teeth crunching] Uh.

- I'm glad they got a full bar too.

Look at those fat alcoholics.

Everyone of those bleeders up there deserves

every little bit of liver and kidney malfunction

that comes their way.

Shocking! You don't drink, do you, Gilda Sue?

[lively music]

- [Gilda Sue] Does this van run?

Can, uh, is this it?

- It runs.

Steering wheel's messed up,

and the air conditioner's got some people in it.

It's comfortable to me.

I got a bed. I got a sink.

- Yeah, I don't know that this is gonna work out exactly.

- I could go get a house, but I'm close to my daughter,

and I can just plug in right here.

I got a transformer, generator,

but I been here seven and saved a lot of money.

Did you know Elvis lived in a van

before he became a high hurdle?

[Gilda Sue stammering] He lived in a van.

- Is there a phone? I wouldn't mind calling a cab.

- I could take you home. Uh, Pedro drives a cab.

He's right down the street.

- Okay, I don't seem to get much service here.

My phone doesn't, doesn't have any bars here.

- I think Pedro's a nice man.

He speaks in a bell-like tone.

He's from Tifton, down where my daddy.

We brought him up here, and, uh...

Here's a phone if you wanna call him.

- Yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't mind

just, uh, just havin' a, havin' a-

- Caught him when he was 14 from The Brazier

for stealing charcoal,

and then he got into Memphis, - Oh my.

- and joined a house-number-retrieving group.

And they were stealing all the eights off mailboxes.

- Yeah, this phone

does not work. - They had 3,000 eights

in a rental truck, and they got in trouble for doing that.

- Yeah. - So I got him out of jail,

and I've taken care of him

for a long time. [door thuds]

- Can you tell me which way, uh,

which way's north?

[man coughs]

[man laughs]

Yeah, bye bye now.

[lively world music]

[fist knocking]

Charlie!

- [Charlie] Gilda Sue.

Shall we?

- Would you like to come in for-

[tires squeal]

What's that?

- One week notice, Gilda Sue.

I'm calling everything up.

Power, cable, agua, todo!

and I'm throwing all your stuff on the curb in one week,

unless you can pay up.

- In one week?

How am I supposed to do that?

- That's up to you, Gilda Sue.

Get it together.

[mournful orchestral music]

[phone ringing]

- [Daddy] You've reached Zach Rosenstern.

Please leave a message.

If it's important, I'll call you back.

- Girl, you're dating for food.

- I know!

In my wildest dreams!

- Hello, kids. Geez, what a day.

Pearl, I need an Italian stallion.

- Got you covered.

- Hey, Nunz.

- Hey, Gilda Sue.

I just finished your mom and dad's

couples' mega mani and pimpin' pedi.

- [Gilda Sue] What?

- Yeah, did you know they were going

on some cruise together?

- Where?

- The Galapagos Islands. Can you believe that?

- Where?

- Who cares, Pearl?

They're going someplace fun and expensive.

I'm dating for dinner,

and I'm gonna be livin' on the streets in a week.

- A week?

- Gilda Sue, you're gonna have to get a job.

- Pearl!

Doin' what? Waitin' tables here at Bitch!?

- Oh, god, no!

- Nunz, your sofa sleeps real, real good, right?

- No.

Gilda Sue, what happened with Mr. Right?

- All of my Mr-E-Dates were duds, not a dream in the bunch.

- Well, what are you gonna do now?

- Y'all, other people get rich and famous

on the computer internet all the time.

If I could just make one episode go viral,

I could get a TV show of my very own.

I wouldn't even need Mr. Right.

- In one week? You need a miracle.

- You need The Bible.

- Oy! You sound like Mama.

- No, for the next "Used Book Club!,"

why don't you review The Bible?

Can you think of anything more viral than the Bible?

- Off the top of my head, no.

- Not only would your hits skyrocket,

but you could always rack up more brownie points

with the man upstairs.

A girl can use all the help she can get.

- [Pearl] Mm-hmm.

- Y'all, that is exactly what I'm gonna do.

I am gonna review The Bible!

Hey, Nunz, can I borrow your Bible?

- What? No.

Run down to Book 'Em.

I'm sure Jiminy's got tons of 'em cheap.

[quirky music]

[clock ticking]

- Hello?

Jiminy?

[eerie synth music]

Hello?

Anybody home?

Yoo-hoo?

[dramatic chord]

Hello, puppy.

Where did you come from?

I'm just gonna come back tomorrow.

[sinister ambient music]

- What can I do for ya?

- Do you work here?

- Upon occasion.

- [Gilda Sue] Well, where is Jiminy?

- He's, um, stepped out.

- Well, when do you expect him back?

- Hard to say.

- Okay.

Fair enough.

[stammering] I'm just, I'm just gonna come back tomorrow.

- [The Man] You sure I can't help you?

- Well, I could use a Bible.

- A bible?

- [Gilda Sue] Uh huh.

- What kinda bible?

- You know, THE Bible.

♪ The B-I-B-L-E

♪ Duh dee dee, dee dee dee

- A lot of bibles in the world, Gilda Sue.

- Yeah, I know.

You know my name?

- Of course I know your name.

- How?

- You don't need a Bible, Gilda Sue.

- I don't?

- Hell no.

- [Gilda Sue] Why not?

- The Bible ain't nothing but a cookbook.

Just a bunch of tired old paint-by-numbers recipes

for people who ain't got no business

in the futher-muckin' kitchen.

You know what I'm sayin'?

- [stammering] Well, I, uh...

- Puppets.

Ovines.

You're not an ovine, are you, Gilda Sue?

Of course you're not.

That's why we gonna take a pass on the B-I-B-L-E,

and go with this instead.

Go ahead.

Take it.

- This book is blank.

- Really?

Huh.

Then I guess it's on the house.

- Wait a minute, wha'?

What am I supposed to do with a blank book?

- That's up to you, Gilda Sue.

[ominous eerie music]

- [Nunzia] A black dog is worse than a black cat, Gilda Sue!

- [Gilda Sue] It is?

- [Nunzia] Yes!

- Well, y'all, he knew my name.

- The dog knew your name?

- Oh, no, the man.

- How did he know your name?

- I don't know!

He did have to ask, though, if I was an ovine.

- A what?

- A sheep.

I know. I had to look it up.

- Gilda Sue, why did you stick around?

Did you ask yourself why this guy and his demon dog

would refuse to sell you a Bible?

- Demon dog?

- Well, he said it was a cookbook filled with recipes.

- That's a bad thing?

- I love a good cookbook.

- Oh, well, he also said it had something

to do with puppets.

- Puppets?

- And robots.

- Puppets and robots?

- And sheep.

- Oh my.

- I can't believe lightning didn't strike

you both right there.

- Well, he did sort of just vanish.

- Vanish?

- Yeah, right after he gave me the book.

- What book?

- Are you sure you weren't dreamin' again?

- Well, if I was, I woke up holding this.

[phone chimes] [all yelp]

It's just Mama.

Oy, she and Daddy are havin' the time

of their illicit lives,

and I have to hear about it every blessed day they're gone.

- What does this symbol mean?

- It's sorcerous! Keep it away from me!

- Gilda Sue, this whole thing's feelin' a little creepy.

- [whimpering] I wish I was wearing my Italian horn.

- Oy gevalt, y'all.

What am I supposed to do now?

[curious orchestral music]

- [Rabbi Spiderman] The Bible is a cookbook?

Who told you this?

- [Gilda Sue] The man.

- The same man who gave you this?

- Yeah.

- Well, did this man impart any wisdom about Yom Kippur.

- [gasps] Oy vey, it's near Yom Kippur.

Rabbi Spiderman, I was just thinking about,

just skippin' Yom Kippur this year.

- Skipping Yom Kippur? What about your soul?

It needs afflicting.

- My soul has been afflicted a ton this year,

especially lately.

- It's up to you, Gilda Sue.

- Wait, what, what did you just say?

- I said it's up to you.

- No, you said it's up to you, Gilda Sue.

- Your point?

- [Gilda Sue] Well, it's a perfect catch phrase.

- Catch phrase?

- Yeah, for my show.

- It doesn't make any sense unless everyone in your audience

is named Gilda Sue.

- Sure it does.

It's up to you,

Gilda Sue.

[Gilda Sue gasps]

But what am I supposed to do with this?

[resounding orchestral music]

[phone ringing]

- [Daddy] You've reached Zach Rosenstern.

Please leave a message.

If it's important, I'll call you back.

- Hey, Daddy, it's me.

I, I'm sorry to bother you while you're on vacation

with Mama and Laney,

but I'm gonna really need you to call me.

[clicks tongue] Bye.

[crickets chirping]

[sighs] What am I supposed to do with you?

[phone chimes]

[Gilda Sue sighs]

[phone chimes]

[Gilda Sue sighs]

[dreamy eerie music]

[pen thudding]

[Gilda Sue sighs]

[birds chirping]

[bouncy ringtone music]

[Gilda Sue exhales]

Hey, Mama.

- Oh, Gilda Sue, thank God you're there.

- What's the matter?

- I'm comin' home early.

Your daddy and I are finally done. Really done.

- Okay, you called to tell me that?

Well, what time is it?

- No, I called to tell you what misfortune

has befallen your poor mother,

driving her prematurely from her lover

- Oy. - and her dream vacation,

leaving her with a broken heart.

- Mama? - And a broken neck!

- Wait, [stammering] what? A broken neck?

- Well, nearly broken.

- What?

- It was terrible. I'm lucky to be alive.

- Mama, slow down just a minute and tell me what happened.

- Well, those turtles.

- What turtles?

- Those giant Galapagos turtles.

- What about 'em?

- They said they were docile.

- What? They can talk?

- Of course not, Gilda Sue. Lord God.

- Well, then what?

- Your mother was attacked!

- Attacked?

- Yes, attacked! By a giant turtle.

[mysterious orchestral music]

[Gilda Sue gasps]

Gilda Sue?

Gilda Sue?

- Nunz?

I wrote in it.

- [Nunzia] The book?

- I wrote in it, and I think I made something happen.

Something bad. - Shh!

- Thanks, Nunzia, I'll see you next week.

- I'll be here.

Put that thing away.

Come over to the couch.

[sighs] You look a wreck.

- I am a wreck. Oy!

I'm shvitzing.

- Sit down.

[light synth music]

- What am I gonna-

- Lower your voice.

- [Gilda Sue] What am I gonna do?

- I don't even wanna know what you've done,

but Gilda Sue, you can't play around with stuff like this.

You gotta protect yourself.

- Oy vey!

- Listen, I'm gonna give you a Ten Commandments mani.

- What's a Ten Commandments mani?

- It's a Siciola family manicure tradition.

One commandment for every finger.

Keeps you focused, and like the horn, it wards off evil.

- Like a magic spell?

- No, not like a magic spell!

Like a prayer! Jesus!

- The Ten Commandments right at my fingertips.

I do tend to forget 'em sometimes,

like that one about coveting my neighbor's donkey.

- What? That's not a commandment.

- Oh yeah, yeah, it is.

- No.

There's no murder, no lying, no stealing,

no snickering in Sister Mary Francis's

personal hygiene class-

- Don't take the Lord's name in vain.

- Christ! That's the one I forget.

Um, there's, uh, greed, envy, and lust.

- There's the one about tearing down

the altars of foreigners.

And then there's that other one about unleavened bread.

- Where are you getting these from?

- Rabbi Spiderman.

- Look, I'm just gonna put one number

on every one of your fingers.

It'll be up to you to remember what they stand for.

[Gilda Sue exhales]

- Thank you.

- And then get rid of that damn book.

[somber string music]

[romantic string music]

[upbeat pop music with male vocalist]

You were working the late night shift

As a Waffle House waitress

You spilled a cup of coffee on me

Before we could speak

You told me that you just could not win

Your manager said leave your apron

You said that was the third job you had lost

That week

I followed you to your car

I handed you my heart and said

You want it, you got it

Give me your number, and I'll call it

You got it if you want it all

You want it, you got it

Give me your number, and I'll call it

You got it if you want it all

You were working on the night shift

As a Waffle House waitress You want it, you got it

You got it if you want it all

- [Gilda Sue] And then he takes my hand in his,

looks deeply into my eyes, and he says,

"It's like magic, isn't it?"

- [Pearl] Girl.

- Y'all, he's a real life TV producer.

He's gonna put my show on the TV.

And it is like magic. It's the book.

I conjured him with the book.

Y'all should try it.

- I want no part of your black magic.

- Oh, Nunz. Now he'll be here any minute.

Be happy for me. I finally got my Mr. Right after all.

And pretty soon, I'm gonna have fame and fortune.

This rocks.

- Hey!

- Donna Sue O'Donahue.

- Oh, Mama, thank God you're okay.

- Gilda Sue, where'd you get that dress? You look pregnant.

- I'm not pregnant, Mama.

- Well, of course you're not pregnant.

You need a man to be pregnant.

- Actually, I'm glad you're your same old self.

- Oh, no, I'm better than ever.

I suffered great injuries from my accident,

but I took it to the Lord in prayer and it paid off.

Just wait until you meet my new man.

- You got a man just by prayin'?

- And surfing the net. Can you believe it?

Mr. Right was on muh-face the whole time.

- Gilda Sue found a Mr. Right too.

We're all about to meet him.

- No.

- Yes.

He's a real mensch.

He's real dreamy. He's real real cute.

He's real real rich. He's a TV producer-

- That sounds too good to be true.

- And he's gonna give me a TV show.

I'm just gonna text him one more time

and find out what's keepin' him.

- [Pearl] Late so soon? Not a good sign.

- An honest-to-god real TV show?

What's his name?

- Manfred Reitz.

- Well, I'm glad I stopped by.

You know, sweetie,

you and I would be terrific together on TV.

[gasps] We could do a mother/daughter thing.

- What? No, Mama, I am the one who has a TV show.

Me! And he's gonna tell you all about it.

Whenever he arrives.

- If he arrives.

- He'll be here, Nunz. Just wait.

[soft mellow music]

He'll be here.

[soft somber music] [broom whooshing]

[gentle sad music]

- Mama, I know the slow fade when I see the slow fade,

and Mr. Reitz is not giving me the slow fade.

[phone beeps] - Okay, sweetie.

Whatever you say. - Mama, I gotta go, okay?

- Well, don't forget. Channel 81.

[phone beeps]

- Hey.

- Okay, so have you heard from Mr. Wrongs?

- No, it's the slow fade.

- That was the fast fade.

- Oy, Mama was right.

[gasps] Oh, Mama.

- What?

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

the Burning Ham from Birmingham

and Donna Sue O'Donahue in...

- What? - What?

- [Announcer] The No Holds Barred Hallelujah Smack Down.

- Satan, I'm gonna give you the Pork Grinder. [grunts]

And then, I'm gonna give you the Hambone.

Get behind me, Satan.

I'm gonna go into God's convenience store,

and I'm gonna get a good Big Gulp of God.

That's right, I'm gonna drink it down,

and I'm gonna feel refreshed.

And I'm gonna say, "Lord oh mercy,

this is some of the best Big Gulp I ever had."

I see you sleepin'.

- That's Mama's new man?

- What's going on?

- [The Burning Ham] Clean up your act.

- [Announcer] A Manfred Reitz production.

- Mr. Reitz?

- Grab up your Bibles, good news grapplers.

We got some wrastlin' to do. [electricity buzzing]

When you wrastle with Satan-

[electricity whooshes]

- [gasps] Uh oh.

- What?

- My lights just went out.

- Really?

- It's my deadline for my phone too.

Hello?

Hey, Nunz?

[Gilda Sue sighs]

[Gilda Sue breathing shakily]

Nunzia and Pearl were right. What was I thinkin'?

[dramatic piano chord]

[Gilda Sue shrieks]

- [sighs] Your piano's out of tune.

- What are you doing in my house?

- You left the keys in the door.

- What do you want?

- Excuse me?

- [Gilda Sue] What do you want?

- Say it again.

- [Gilda Sue] What do you want?

- Million dollar question, Gilda Sue.

- Who are you?

- [scoffs] Even better.

- I'm lost.

- Who are you?

What do you want?

And what the hell are you doing here?

- I'd like to return this book.

- Really? Why's that?

- [Gilda Sue] It's evil.

- Oh, okay, I see.

Book does a number on Mama, book's not so bad.

The book does a number on Gilda Sue, book very bad indeed.

- That is not fair!

- [The Man] It ain't?

- No!

- The book's not the problem, Gilda Sue.

The book's just a tool.

- What are you sayin'?

- Who are you?

What do you want?

And what the hell are you doing here?

- But- - Shh!

- I- - Shh, shh, shh,

shh, shh, shh.

The book, Gilda Sue.

The book.

Save it for the book.

[footsteps thumping]

[door thuds]

[Gilda Sue breathing shakily]

- Oh!

[somber string music]

- It sleeps pretty good.

I'm only ever on it when I'm too drunk to drive.

- I'm sure it's fine.

- Alright, if you really wanna start tomorrow,

we can use you, double shift.

- Sounds perfect.

- Alright, good night.

- 'Night.

[melancholic string music]

[curious string music]

- [Rabbi Spiderman] It's up to you, Gilda Sue.

- [Senor La Casa] Well, that's up to you, Gilda Sue.

- [The Man] That's up to you, Gilda Sue.

[upbeat string music]

[water plops]

[comical piano music]

[mellow jazz music]

- Has it been that long?

- It's been 20 minutes.

- I'm on Yelp.

- Hello, lovelies.

I'm Gilda Sue Rosenstern.

Welcome to Bitch!

I'm just tickled pink to be here. Thank you for joining us.

Can I get y'all anything to drink to start?

- Yeah, I would like a caffeine-free diet lime cola.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I don't have that.

- You don't?

- No, I have the regular cola and the diet cola.

- You don't have any caffeine-free diet lime colas at all?

- Oh, at all? No.

- Okay, so we'll both have coffee, I guess.

- [Ms. Hot Coffee] Yes.

- Wait, what, I, you guess? I don't...

I mean, when you say you guess,

it makes me think you don't really know,

and then I don't know if I should get the coffee for real.

- We'll have coffee.

It's gotta be fresh and hot.

Is it hot and fresh?

- Yeah.

- It needs to be hot and fresh.

- You waitin on that.

You better pick one.

Hot or fresh, not and.

[comical music]

- Ladies.

- Great, good. Is this fresh, and is it hot?

- [gasps] Crab cakes!

- Oh, really? Is it decaf?

- You know what?

We're from Maryland, so we always like to ask,

do your crab cakes have a lot of filler?

- Oh, not a lot, I don't think.

- Hmm, you see, because whenever I see crab cakes on a menu,

you know, any place other than Maryland,

we always wonder if they have any crab in them,

actually, at all.

- Uh, well, yeah, they've got crab in 'em.

They're crab cakes.

- Well, we like to ask, are they mostly filler,

or are they mostly crab?

Because we're from Maryland, and well, is this decaf?

- Well, it's mostly crab, and no, that's, that's regular.

- Really? - How do you know?

- I made that myself.

Not the crab cakes, but, um,

I do know there is some filler

in crab cakes. - Ah, there you go.

There you go.

So she admits -- mostly filler. I knew it.

- We're from Maryland. Maryland crab cakes are crab-

- I don't care where you're from, ma'am.

I'm sorry, but they are crab cakes.

The crab is the crab part. The cake is the cake part.

If there wasn't any filler at all, it'd just be crab,

but it's not just crab!

It's crab cakes! Crab cakes!

Crab! Cakes!

[mellow jazz music]

I'm just gonna give y'all another minute or two

to look at the menu.

- Is your coffee even hot?

- Okay, it's actually too hot,

but it's definitely not fresh.

Don't drink that.

What was her name again?

- [Ms. Hot Coffee] Oh, I know what it is. Patsy Jo!

[glasses shattering]

- [Pearl] Gilda Sue, you are cut!

[dishes clattering]

Gilda Sue!

Your daddy's secretary just called.

- Here? For me?

- He wants to see you in his office right away.

- [gasps] I wonder how he knew to find me here.

- Go on! Scoot!

Your second shift starts at five.

- Oy!

[quirky piano music]

[footsteps tapping]

- [Receptionist] You need to sign in, Gilda Sue!

- [Gilda Sue] Put it on my tab.

- Max, you just come anytime you want.

No appointment necessary.

That includes your wife, your children,

your dog, and your neighbor.

Just walk on in.

Absolutely, don't worry. [knocker banging]

Come in. - Gilda Sue.

- Ah, there's my beautiful daughter.

Max, I'm gonna have to let you go.

Okay.

There's my bubala.

- Daddy, have you gotten any of my messages?

- Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Everything's been mishegoss lately.

- It's that Laney Druffle, isn't it?

- Don't worry about Laney. I'll handle her.

- [gasps] Oh, Daddy, oh.

Thank you.

- Now. - Oh.

- I want you to go and hand in your apron

and go back to doing whatever it is you do.

And I don't wanna hear anymore about waitressing.

Do you understand?

- How did you know about that anyway?

- Honey, news of Zach Rosenstern's daughter

travels fast in this town.

- Really?

[gasps] Zelda Weinberg.

She was in this morning. I knew it was her.

- Morty Weinberg called me this afternoon.

That wife of his is making sure that everyone knows

you're slinging hash in that . . . tavern.

- So?

- Do you know what Morty and Zelda's daughter

is doing right now?

Right now?

- Probably nothin'.

- Exactly. Her gynecologist husband is making sure of that .

You don't have a gynecologist husband.

- Daddy, are you ashamed of me?

- [Daddy] Of course not, hon.

- I mean, I'm not a total schlemiel.

Daddy. [exhales]

I know you thought I'd have been married

to a real mensch by now.

Me too.

The only thing I see myself marrying

in the near future is ketchup.

But, Daddy, I can't live my whole life

just worryin' about what your more successful

former business partners might think.

- Morty Weinberg is not more successful than I am.

- The truth of the matter is...

Daddy, for the first time in my life,

I'm actually proud of myself.

So, if you'll excuse me,

I have a dinner date with some ketchup bottles.

[bright lively music]

Hey! Pearl, I'm sorry I'm late.

I just have to run to the potty, and then I'm good to go.

- [Pearl] Hurry up!

And you're in station three tonight, Gilda Sue.

[soft string music] [diners chattering]

- Excuse me. Did he just call you Gilda Sue?

Your name is Gilda Sue?

- Rosenstern, yeah.

- Of the "Gilda Sue Rosenstern Computer Internet Show?"

- It is you.

- We've been looking for you.

- Oh, uh. [chuckles]

What credit card company are y'all from?

- We're from Shrew! Magazine.

- [gasps] Shrew!?

I love Shrew!

- Everyone in the office thinks your show is a scream.

Oh, we especially love the vaginal weights episode.

- Y'all watch my show?

- How would you like to kick it up a notch?

- Shrew! is branching out into the world of new media.

- The computer internet!

- And we're starting off with a web series,

a reality show featuring a day in the life

of a typical Shrew! Reader.

- You were our first choice,

but your webpage seems to have gone down,

and we didn't know how to reach you.

- Uh, well, I couldn't, I couldn't pay the, um,

you know, my credit card was...

I have a couple things I need to take care of.

Are y'all for real?

- We're for real.

Are you interested?

- Well, does it pay cash money?

- I think you'll be quite pleased with the terms.

- Why don't you come down to the office tomorrow morning?

We'll draw up the contract and get the ball rolling.

[joyful music]

[tape whooshing]

[lively world music]

- Hey!

Hey! Look who it is.

- Did those Shrew! folks say anything about the Ham and me

making a special appearance or anything?

- No, Mama.

Well, not yet.

[fist banging]

- [The Burning Ham] Donna Sue?

- Speak of the Devil.

- What are y'all doing?

Now come on, honey, let's go home.

It's getting weird out here.

- Well, you go on, Hammy.

I wanna stay and celebrate a little longer.

- All right, see you at the house.

- Hey, congratulations, Tilda Lou, yeah. Oh.

- Your daddy and I are so proud of you, Gilda Sue.

- What?

- Well, [exhales] really?

- You know, speaking of your daddy,

I believe we have a little more to talk about.

- Mama.

- Don't you forget it.

[knuckles tapping]

- There's somebody in here.

- [Senor La Casa] Gilda Sue, is that you in there?

- Senor La Casa?

- Si.

I came to congratulate you on your great fortune.

Hey, you're really gonna be a bigshot TV star?

- Uh huh. Well, sorta.

- Felicidades, senorita. You're famous.

- I know.

Well, almost.

- [chuckles] Hey, hey, you found a place to stay yet?

I mean, because you've, uh-

- Because I've solved my dinero problema?

No? Is my old place still available?

- Ah, mi casa is su casa.

Gilda Sue casa!

- Oh, gracias, Senor.

[upbeat music]

- Congratulations, girl.

Don't worry about this mess. We'll get it in the morning.

- Thank you, Pearl. Oh, you're so great.

- You done good after all,

Gilda Sue. - Oh, thank you.

Now you guys be super super careful.

Go. You got it?

[Gilda Sue exhales]

Oh.

- Cut!

Okay, we're gonna go again.

And this time, could you be a little bit less cheerful?

Could you be a little sadder?

[eerie ominous music]

When you go to the mailbox and you get the mail

and you see that you've gotten your monthly Shrew!

that's when you're joyful.

[eerie ominous music]

Gilda Sue?

Okay, okay. Back to one, everybody.

Rolling, speed.

Action!

[slow string music]

- I am so sorry that I'm late.

I've been doing this weird kind of cleanse last week,

and I'll tell you, it makes me feel two again.

I've got no control over my bowels.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I was in the middle of a two-hour savasana,

spiraling through the astral planes

on the back of a silverback.

You would not believe it.

Gilda Sue, I am ever so sorry I'm late.

I was at the gym, and I was bench pressing.

- You know, we've been very generosity toward you,

and it would break my heart if you left.

I'd have an emotional scar.

[man laughing]

Take. Take eight. Three.

[man exhales]

- If I had renewed my membership-

[actress cracks up]

- I'm sorry.

- That's what makes it so great.

Nobody in the world could get Mr. Right off muh-face.

That's not the line.

I don't think they could get Mr. Face off muh-face if,

Mister, I don't think they could get.

Nobody could get Mr. Right off muh-face if they tried.

- Cut.

She and Daddy are having the time of their illicit lives,

and I have to hear about it every blessed day they're gone.

[actress cracks up]

Cut.

- It's super duper not a funny story.

- I might say not a funny story,

but it's definitely not

super not funny. - What's your name again?

What is your first name again?

- Raymond.

[both laughing]

- Why was that funny? Cut.

- Those shoes take you to heaven.

'Cause I got shoes, you got shoes

All God's children got shoes

When I get to heaven, gonna put on my shoes

Gonna go all over God's heaven, that's right

- Donna Sue, can we just have a different...

No, that's fine. That's great, nevermind.

[crew laughing]

This is what a real director does.

- [Crew Member] Change everything you're doing!

- No! Change nothing!

Okay, do it again.

- Is that the line? - No.

- What about your soul? It needs afflicting.

Skipping Yom Kippur, what about-

- [Kelly] He's so irritated with me,

and this is your big point for me.

- Being irritated at this point is not actually acting.

[Kelly laughing]

- [Kelly] Okay, okay. Here we go.

- This is so much fun.

- [Gilda Sue] Well, thanks so much.

- You take care. - It's been a,

it's just been a pleasure.

Okay.

- [Mr. Lives In His Van] Watch out for the hoodoos.

- [Gilda Sue] Yeah, bye bye now.

- [Mr. Lives In His Van] All right, you take care now.