Original subtitles

Life has no GPS.

So, your only options are either instinct or taking a gamble.

All you can do is step on it

and hope there isn't a dead end up ahead.

-Hey babe... -That looks good.

No way.

No way! Holy crap!

Are you serious?

6,000 new followers on Snaptime.

200 on Textbook.

And 350 on Flitter!

-What! -My God, they fucking love us!

-Baby, look at this. -Oh, my God!

Holy crap!

Can we take a selfie?

Both of us.

Oh! No way!

Dude, where is he from?

Okay, let's play rapid fire.

-Oh God! -Okay?

Whose your favorite amongst the three Khans?

All three are my friends.

So... I can't rate them.

-Do you rate your friends? -Yes, she does.

-All the time. -Okay. Tell me...

Is it true that in Bollywood, everybody sleeps around with everybody?

Is it like a musical chairs of romantic liasons?

Just so you know, you don't have to answer these questions.

No, listen. I... I want to.

Look, I'm sure that people sleep around.

But that happens everywhere. Right?

What about you?

Siddhi!

What about me?

No, I mean...

have you played?

Musical chairs?

Look...

Before Umang, I had only been in two relationships.

One was a boy from Boston University which was about...

three years.

And...

I'm sure you must've heard of Raghuveer.

All the tabloids were writing about it.

And that was about six years.

Three years and six years. Wow!

What can I say, it takes me a while but when I commit...

Then you listen to no one. Not even yourself.

I only listen to Mangs.

Excuse me, ma'am, can we take a picture with you?

Sure.

Ma'am, could you join us?

Mangs! Dude!

-Go, go. -Please.

C'mon.

If I had known that Samara Kapoor would be coming,

I would've put a cover charge.

There you go.

Hi, Samara.

-Welcome to Truck Bar. -This is Jeh. And this is his bar.

Oh! Hey, Jeh...

Love the bar. Thanks.

Thanks.

Missed you.

Get a room, guys.

-Maybe I will. -Maybe you should.

Oh! I like this new, saucy Jeh 2.0!

Hey! Hashtag, Umara.

Do you want to be my celebrity bartenders tonight?

-Your tabs on me. -What. Seriously?

What about us?

-What about us Jeh? -You're not a celebrity!

We'll drink on the house.

And sell the hell out of this bar tonight!

-Is that okay with you? -Just do it!

-Alright, let's do it! -Alright, let's go!

Okay, you guys.

All the specials are coming up.

Right now!

C'mon! C'mon!

Let's go! Drink up!

-Hey. Hey. -What?

I think we should slow down.

Let's do things the right way this time.

Missionary style?

No! I meant a date.

A date?

Have you realized that we haven't been on a real date yet?

Ya but...

People go on dates

so, that eventually they can do what we're doing right now.

Some people also go on a date...

because they want to spend time with each other.

You know, good food, good conversation. Fun?

Fun? What kind of fun? This is fun.

What kind of food?

Is alcohol allowed?

Is it chargeable?

-Wow! -Ready?

Absolutely!

Okay, then!

No!

Yay!

-Are you ready? -Just do it.

And I am the winner!

I am the Monopoly king.

All this property is mine and I...

am the ruler of this world!

No! Jeh!

Tell me a secret.

What kind of secret?

I don't know. Maybe something that's embarrassing?

No...

Okay.

No judgment zone, right?

Of course.

So I'm generally like a camel.

I can hold my pee in for hours.

It's a real talent.

So, I was giving my class tenth board exams. Math exam.

And I was left with all my six marks questions.

So...

So?

So, I...

peed right there!

Don't look at me like that! Nobody got to know!

It's fine! Nobody got to know!

-I just spilled some water! -Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

-No! It's Ms. PeePee! -C'mon! Please!

You said, no judgment now!

Your turn.

-Ya, go on! -My story is a little too embarrassing.

Okay, let me guess.

Your parents caught you having sex.

No but the reverse.

No!

-Ya. -No, no.

Yuck! No!

Ya. I was eight years old and I had a nightmare.

-Okay. -So, I got scared

and I went to my parents' bedroom...

And they were...

you know...

And I thought my dad was attacking my mom.

So I shouted at him, slapped him...

and then punched him!

-Your dad? -Yes, my dad!

And for the next four days,

he moved around with a black eye!

Telling everybody he walked into a door.

-Can you imagine? -No!

-Sorry! I walked into a door! -Your dad is amazing!

Oh, my God!

That's a great story!

You win. Hands down!

On that note...

part three of the date of the century awaits.

Look what I got.

Raspberry soda!

-Yum. -Yum.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Is this Mumbai or Santorini?

Ya, except for the smell.

I don't care.

I would choose Bombay over any other city in the world.

-Any day. -Yep!

Why haven't I done this before?

You should answer that. Why haven't you done this before?

Maybe because...

you weren't around.

Ekalaya needs a public apology, Shashank.

I love your blinding optimism.

And we also need 40% profit share on all sales till date.

Along with the withdrawal of the design worldwide.

This isn't a negotiation. This is daylight robbery. So, stop.

This is nothing.

If the case goes to trial then...

Adalene might win?

Consider that?

Nothing in this world is original, Ms. Menon.

From your favorite Shakespearean play to your favorite book...

to all the wonderful music you listen to.

All art is inspired by pre-existing art.

Would you care for a drink?

No, thanks.

There's a difference between inspiration and theft.

Who decides that?

Sometimes the things we see, the people we meet, affect us.

Subconsciously.

Like you and me.

Is that right?

Do you not feel it too?

We're opposing lawyers, Shashank.

It's unethical.

Then I guess this is...

conflict resolution, isn't it?

You're married.

Yes, I am.

But Sushmita and I have an open marriage.

And we're free to be and see other people.

That's what keeps us happily married.

Human beings...

They aren't meant for monogamy.

But...

monogamy is a way of life for me.

Don't knock something before you try it.

I can't...

get you out of my mind, Anjana.

I can't.

I didn't know...

I was that imposing.

Yes, you are.

You're fucking imposing, you're...

amazing, you're...

Please understand this.

If you don't feel the same about me, then…

I will stop immediately.

I will back off and...

never ask you again.

But I have to know.

What is it...

that you really want, Anjana?

I want...

I want to get back to work.

Work it is.

So... where were we?

Here...

-Hormonal! -Ya?

What if your parents wake up?

Then, you're dead.

Papa has a hockey stick.

Just saying.

-Everyone has one. -Not everyone.

Come.

This sneaking around is very hot.

Ready?

Ms. Thakur and Ms. Khanna.

Your lawyer and I were up late last night trying to work out a deal.

Unfortunately, we here at Adalene SA believe that...

you don't have a case.

And we're not willing to offer any compensation

or apology at this given time.

We're ready to fight this case till the very end.

It'll be years of litigation. It will be a long wait.

But, I'll leave the decision to the both of you.

So, this plagiarized dress

was designed by the head designer of Adalene, Marcella Marchand?

The original design was indeed by Ms. Marchand.

You've done your homework.

Congratulations.

Perhaps you haven't.

Have you heard of the Milan Fashion Biennale?

Of course. What about it?

In 2010, my client Ms. Khanna was present at the Milan Fashion Biennale

where she and Ekalaya received an award for preserving cultural heritage.

Glad to know. But, how is this relevant right now?

That very day, another young designer also received an award.

A young French college student by the name of Marcella Marchand.

She won the award for The Most Promising New Designer.

So? That proves nothing.

But this does.

This is a picture of all the winners.

Marcella Marchand is here.

Ms. Khanna is here.

In the picture, Ms. Khanna is wearing an outfit made of the same fabric

that was plagiarized by Adalene.

This picture was sent to all the winners.

And... here's the confirmation mail from the Biennale organizers.

Shall we discuss the settlement terms, Mr. Bose?

That wasn't a defeat.

It was a goddamn massacre.

When did you know?

Actually, Ekalaya showed me the picture a while back

but the confirmation from Milan Biennale came in this morning.

Join me.

Sorry?

I meant at my firm.

As a senior partner, of course.

Full package, benefits, the works.

Seriously?

Why?

Because it's been a while since I've been defeated.

And I love that ferocity of yours.

So, I would like you to fight with me. Not against me.

Simple.

My God!

I can literally hear the chaos in your head all the way here.

Should I do it? Should I not do it?

What is he saying? It's too fast. It's too sudden.

What's wrong with this guy?

I'll tell you what.

Have another drink and then think about it.

One drink is meant for enemies.

Then I guess I'm the enemy.

Too much self-control, I must say.

The difference between want and need is self-control.

Heavy.

Ya. Well...

I also will add, I got this really nice corner office.

Banging view to the city. Two holiday packages a year.

Come when you want, go when you want.

I'm just saying.

You know, that you should...

think about it.

Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. Of course.

Okay, ma'am. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

I don't believe it.

That was Sheetal Marwah.

She wants me to train her!

Ya, she messaged asking for your number.

I also gave your number to Akshay Malhotra and Yasmeen D'Souza.

They're huge superstars. They could have anyone.

Why would they want me?

Because they want the best.

I have been right here all this time.

One viral video of us comes out and...

What? That's it? I'm like the hottest trainer in town?

Just ride the wave, babe. Don't question it.

I mean... look at me.

I was shifting time zones every week for ten years and now...

nobody wants to touch me.

You'll be jet-setting across time zones in no time, I know it.

Baby boo, this is not about me. This is about you.

These chances don't come easy.

You've got to make the most of it.

-This is why, I fucking love you! -Oh, my God!

-I fucking love you! -I love you!

Summertime abs, you gotta do it!

Alright! Very nice!

And now, burpees!

Give me five burpees. C'mon, man!

All you! Let's go!

Five! Ya! All the way up!

Good job. Chest to the ground. Very good. Hands up!

Keep it going...

Ya! Keep going. Don't stop. Don't stop!

Let's go! You wanna go back? Let's go back!

Thanks!

C'mon, Sheetal! You got this. Let's go!

Nice! C'mon! Let's go!

You can do this! C'mon, man! Let's go!

C'mon! Push it! Ya!

Push! Ya! Good job!

-Oh ya! -My God! That was amazing!

-Did you enjoy it? -Umang, you're just too good!

Ya! C'mon, boy! Let's go!

Let's go! You gotta look good for the screen! Let's go!

Let's go. Five more.

Breathe again. One, two, three, again.

You're the best!

Shall we start?

Let's wait a little longer?

The ones who're here will start leaving.

I mean, these are anyway my friends. Most of them.

How many copies have we sold?

Not many... but it will pick up.

How many is not many?

Four copies.

Let's start.

People will join in once they hear you speak.

Ya?

Okay.

Good evening, everybody.

Thank you for joining us for this very special reading...

of a book that I believe is extremely relevant in current times.

Over to you, Damini.

Thank you, Shraddha.

Thank you for accommodating me in your beautiful store.

-Hi, guys. -Hi!

I'm going to read out a little excerpt

from the opening chapter of the book.

On the eve of India's independence,

as the clock struck midnight...

and the famous words of Nehru,

"Long years ago we made a tryst with destiny", were uttered,

a baby boy was born in the small village of Latur.

Twelve copies sold, baby. Congratulations!

You mean two? You guys bought ten.

So? People buy fake followers.

We're your real friends.

Okay, what can I do to make you feel better?

Anything.

Oh, I have something in mind!

Fries, cheesy nachos and onion rings.

-Wow! -Coming right up.

My stress eating's through the roof!

My period cycle is also off.

-First time? -No! Happens to me all the time.

-So, then? -Generally, it's late by

three to four days.

But this time it's three weeks.

Dee.

-This isn't stress. -Then, what is it?

Maybe you should get a pregnancy test done.

What?

Are you silly? No!

Stress causes hormonal imbalance. We all know that.

Anyway, I'll...

Let me take Warsi's appointment for tomorrow.

You still go to him?

Shit, you're right. He hates me now.

Need a new gynec.

-I'll give you my gynec's number... -Here you go.

Cheesy nachos, onion rings, jalapeno poppers.

Wow! That looks good!

-Yummy! -Thank you.

C'mon.

That's so strange.

Happy mothers and babies everywhere.

Have you heard of anti-natalists?

They are people who believe that the world is already overcrowded.

And there is no need for more babies.

Without babies, there will be no family.

And if there's no family...

then what do we do with all the love in our hearts?

It's all about narcissism.

Seeing your genes in someone else and imposing your dreams on your children.

So, according to you the optimal population of this world is zero?

Do you want babies?

Ya, sure. One day.

What about you?

I don't know.

I think I'd be a terrible mother.

Oh c'mon, you'll be fine. You'll be great!

Because everyone tries their best.

I'm just scared.

I feel I'm going to turn into my parents.

Don't get me wrong. I mean, they loved us.

But we didn't really get to be children.

We were treated like adults since we were born.

We always only spoke about economics and politics.

I think all my control issues... come from there.

I think I may turn into my parents too.

But hey, that's okay.

I mean look at me... I'm perfect.

Perfect!

Girls...

Amit thinks I should talk about my life stories in my comedy sets.

But my life is so privileged.

Thank you.

Where will the material come from?

Why? Talk about your privileges.

And your problems.

Everyone has problems. Talk about you and Sneha.

Dude. Talk about the unwrapping of your

well preserved virginity after so many years!

Sids, I think you should totally talk about body shaming.

-Yea -And what was that guy's name?

-Which one? -Who called you Sindhi...

-and sucked on your toes! -Oh, God!

Dude!

Talk about your ballet lessons and your dance with Falguni.

-That is life experience gold! -Best!

And your marriage resume!

-Oh yeah... -Long list.

Thanks you, guys.

I had no clue that my life is such a joke for you all.

Now just use all this material on-stage and thank us later.

-Okay? Go. -Must thank us, Sids.

-Go. -Thanks, guys.

-So lucky to have you as my best friends. -Love you!

Likewise.

Check one, two, three...

One, two, three...

Wow, you guys look like you're expecting a bad show.

Quite like the one I recently walked into.

So my friend's roomie was in the bathroom and...

for the lack of a better phrase... he was jerking off.

And I walked in.

He was having a full blown party in the bathroom.

With lotion, porn, tissues and the works.

And... instead of being completely mortified by my presence,

he chose to put his hand out.

For a handshake.

Not... no guys!

Not like a porn type handshake.

I mean there was porn and there was a hand.

But no.

The guy was genuinely feeling friendly at that moment.

And he wanted a handshake, that's it.

But seriously. What is it with men and shaking things?

Okay, you tell me...

Are you guys off your rockers? Is that why you're constantly shaking?

Or are you off your rockers because you're constantly shaking?

It's either your hand or something else.

I know somebody in the audience

who's a Hindi grammar Nazi is probably thinking...

madam, shaking your hand is not always equal to a handshake.

I know, okay.

And speaking of handshakes...

last year I lost my well preserved virginity.

I was always taught that someone, somewhere is made for you.

Except that, my mom was the one carrying out that search. Not me.

So, here I was... on a third date with this guy

who my mum had found for me.

This is back when I was still a virgin.

Now I find my own dates.

So anyway, back to the date. It was a perfect date.

Perfect dinner, perfect wine, perfect conversation.

Like... What are your hobbies?

What is your zodiac sign?

Favorite Instagram filter?

So, he comes to my house to drop me and we kiss.

And then... I said okay, bye. Goodnight.

Thanks for a great time and he was like...

Listen to this.

He was like...

that's it?

So, he thought that just because he took me out thrice...

and insisted on paying the bill thrice,

I owed him more than a kiss.

But fine, I said...

I told him that I am saving myself from marriage.

And he was like, "Babe!

Don't make sex such a big deal!

It's just like...

a handshake!"

I said, great then!

Go jerk off to this handshake!

I'm not aware if he shook anything that night

but I sure as hell shook up his manhood!

Go, Sids.

That's it guys. Thank you. You've been fab!

Ready?

Mangs! Ear-neck-nibble-nibble! Cleavage-tummy-gobble-gobble!

Go in, five thrusts, get out!

Even I know the routine now!

He's a set guy.

Comedy set, sex set. Amazing!

Mangs, I've become an expert at faking it.

Sids, fake it till you make it! And if not,

then you have to take this into your own hands literally.

See... folded missionary, wrapped missionary,

London plough, folded cowgirl...

Okay, bye.

-Oh. Sorry. -All yours.

I have been following you on Snaptime forever.

Forever? It's been just two years since I joined Snaptime.

What? Two years?

No way! You've had such a big impact.

I want to hang with you.

Get to know you, Umang. Be you!

And that's what we need for our streaming audience.

A video a week.

We plan, shoot, edit, stream.

Bang! Bang! We hit them hard.

And you will be the face of India's new fitness revolution!

Umang Singh!

But... why would anyone want to see my fitness videos?

-You'll be an icon, Umang. -Exactly.

For fitness. For women. For the entire LGBTQIA community.

Just think about it.

Cheers.

What is the offer?

10% of the revenue.

You should ask for twenty.

Isn't that a bit much to begin with?

You're not just some random newcomer.

You are my girlfriend.

All my followers will watch your videos.

Don't ask for lesser and lower your status.

By the way, apparently one of the producers...

has been following me on Snaptime forever.

So, should I accept it?

Look, do whatever you want

but, do you even have the time?

I mean, your PT clients are taking up all of your time.

Even I'm not getting a chance to see you.

And that is your focus, right?

Ma'am, may I have your autograph, please?

Of course, sweetheart.

-What's your name? -Shivani.

To Shivani... Love, Samara.

Shit.

Congratulations. It's confirmed.

You're about seven weeks pregnant.

No. Four weeks?

No, seven.

As per your last menstrual cycle, conception happened about six weeks ago.

Between the first and seventh.

No, it has to be four weeks.

Between the... 18th and the 25th...

I had a meeting with Zigzag books and then I went to meet Jeh...

Ya.

Damini, that would be biologically impossible.

Trust me. I'm the doctor.

Anyway, shall we discuss the steps ahead?

I'm assuming you're carrying the baby to term?

Or are you thinking otherwise?

Because then, DNC is the only option.

You've come too far along in the pregnancy.

So, basically you think Samara is insecure of you?

I think I would've felt the same if I were in her place.

She's the famous one yet I'm the one getting the offers.

I think you're just overthinking it, Mangs.

For such a long time, Samara was your world.

Now you're going to get a world of your own.

Maybe she feels bad that you guys won't get enough time with each other.

That's all.

I hope you're right because that sounds way better.

It is.

Jeh.

What's up, Jeh?

Have you heard from Damini?

No, why?

I've been calling her all morning but she isn't answering.

Must be at home.

It's Dee.

-Hi Dee, where are you? -Sids.

I am screwed!

-What happened? Are you okay? -Umang.

-Jeh, I'll call you back. -Just relax, we're coming.

I couldn't take care of that pup.

I killed off the only cactus I had at home!

How am I going to take care of a real human baby?

God! The nappies, the poop and pee...

The baby's going to hate me.

I'll be one of those control freak helicopter moms!

I mean... how am I going to support it?

I'm the writer of a flop book.

Barely living out of my savings!

And Jeh...

What will I tell Jeh?

We just got back together.

He's barely started trusting me again.

And it's Warsi's job to deliver babies and hand them over to others!

I'm sure he wouldn't want to be a father.

What should I do?

Tell me.

Are you ready to be a mom?

I...

don't know.

Dee, we can't tell you what to do, right?

Only you can decide that.

I don't know.

But listen, Dee...

we're with you no matter what you decide.

And if you choose to have the kid,

it will have the best aunts in the whole world!

Guaranteed.

Anj...

did you ever consider an abortion?

Actually, everything happened so soon.

Varun just proposed to me right there.

And now I cannot imagine my life without Arya.

But, if Varun hadn't proposed to me...

maybe I would've considered it.

I am absolutely clueless.

You're going to be fine.

Everything's going to be fine.

Hello? Dr. Pandita, this is Damini Rizvi Roy.

How soon can we schedule the abortion procedure?

Thank you.