Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,466 --> 00:00:03,633
‐(chewing)
‐(indistinct chatter)
2
00:00:03,766 --> 00:00:05,800
Lort, thank you for blessing us
3
00:00:05,933 --> 00:00:07,666
with this portable bounty
4
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:09,666
as we eat Thanksgiving dinner
5
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,600
the way it was meant
to be eaten,
6
00:00:11,733 --> 00:00:14,833
in line for Black Friday deals
at Mega Lo Mart.
7
00:00:14,966 --> 00:00:16,700
Amen!
8
00:00:16,833 --> 00:00:18,466
Did everyone get enough dinner
in their bags?
9
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:19,800
Protein's in the tote.
10
00:00:19,933 --> 00:00:21,000
Sides in the rolling suitcase.
11
00:00:21,133 --> 00:00:22,633
Gravy and stuffing
in the JanSport.
12
00:00:22,766 --> 00:00:24,333
Wait, where is
the cranberry sauce?
13
00:00:24,466 --> 00:00:25,533
I got it.
14
00:00:25,666 --> 00:00:26,966
Let me... (sucks)
get it started for you.
15
00:00:27,100 --> 00:00:29,833
(sucking)
Ah.
16
00:00:29,966 --> 00:00:31,766
You know what?
I'm good.
17
00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:34,100
Whew. I'm sweating bullets.
18
00:00:34,233 --> 00:00:35,333
I should've gone with my gut
19
00:00:35,466 --> 00:00:37,100
and worn a mesh football jersey
and pasties.
20
00:00:37,233 --> 00:00:38,766
Well, here's something
to cool you down.
21
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:40,266
(singsongy):
I made gravy pops.
22
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,466
I got porkcicles,
turkey skin pops,
23
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:44,966
and, Vi, I do have
a green bean casserole pop,
24
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,800
but, keep in mind,
it's kinda gross.
25
00:00:46,933 --> 00:00:48,033
(sighs)
Lord,
26
00:00:48,166 --> 00:00:49,133
remember the last time
27
00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:51,433
we had gravy pops
on Black Friday?
28
00:00:51,566 --> 00:00:53,000
That was back
before I even knew y'all.
29
00:00:53,133 --> 00:00:55,400
I had a pretty sweet part‐time
job driving a dairy truck,
30
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:58,600
and I narrowly escaped
a disaster of epic proportions.
31
00:00:58,733 --> 00:00:59,600
BETTY:
Snore.
32
00:00:59,733 --> 00:01:01,233
Get me my weighted body pillow,
33
00:01:01,366 --> 00:01:03,000
'cause you are putting me
to sleep.
34
00:01:03,133 --> 00:01:05,700
An actually epic story
is how I executed
35
00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,200
the most flawless slip‐and‐fall
36
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:10,266
the United States of Hamerica
has ever seen.
37
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,166
Wait, are we
really doing this again?
38
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:13,166
Doing what?
39
00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:15,233
Telling stories on Black Friday
40
00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:17,300
about other Black Fridays.
41
00:01:17,433 --> 00:01:19,300
It all started when...
42
00:01:19,433 --> 00:01:20,700
No. Not listening.
43
00:01:20,833 --> 00:01:23,033
I'm in the middle of
a groundbreaking murder podcast
44
00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,633
called
The Husband Didn't Do It.
45
00:01:24,766 --> 00:01:26,166
Oh, I see
what's happening here.
46
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:27,466
You're afraid if we reminisce,
47
00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,300
you're gonna cry
like you did last year.
48
00:01:29,433 --> 00:01:32,733
(quietly): You promised me that
you'd never bring that up again.
49
00:01:32,866 --> 00:01:35,333
Everyone, we're telling
Black Friday stories over here,
50
00:01:35,466 --> 00:01:37,266
so Violet might get
a little emotional!
51
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,266
Ugh, why is there
never a husband around
52
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,800
when you want to be killed?
53
00:01:40,933 --> 00:01:42,966
♪♪ ♪♪
54
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,266
WAYNE:
Okay,
55
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,433
so where were we?
56
00:02:14,566 --> 00:02:16,166
It was Black Friday Eve‐‐
57
00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:17,500
which some people call
Thanksgiving‐‐
58
00:02:17,633 --> 00:02:20,066
on a night just like tonight.
59
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:21,566
I was 18 years old,
60
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:24,066
and I was reelingfrom my first‐ever heartbreak,
61
00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:26,033
Anita Upchurch.
62
00:02:26,166 --> 00:02:27,533
She told me I was too sensitive,
63
00:02:27,666 --> 00:02:29,466
because, apparently,"real men" don't cry
64
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,733
at dog food commercials.
65
00:02:30,866 --> 00:02:32,066
Get it together, Wayne.
66
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,400
Stupid tear ducts.
67
00:02:33,533 --> 00:02:34,900
She wanted a hero type.
68
00:02:35,033 --> 00:02:36,433
But little did she know,
69
00:02:36,566 --> 00:02:38,466
I was about to become one.
70
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:41,066
Uh‐oh. I feel like this is
gonna be a Wayne story
71
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:43,766
that's half memory and
half Michael Bay fever dream.
72
00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:44,866
They're my memories!
73
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,833
I can spice them up
however I want.
74
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:48,766
Now, here's
exactly what happened.
75
00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:52,033
(beeping)
76
00:02:52,166 --> 00:02:54,466
The refrigerationon my milk truck went out,
77
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,800
leaving me only 20 minutesto deliver my creams,
78
00:02:56,933 --> 00:02:59,366
butters and nogsbefore they went bad.
79
00:03:02,466 --> 00:03:03,900
(dramatic music playing)
80
00:03:04,033 --> 00:03:05,700
(horn blares)
81
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:13,933
So there I was, going about 250
miles per hour down the highway.
82
00:03:18,833 --> 00:03:20,466
Quit your yapping, Wayne.
83
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:22,566
Violet doesn't want to hear
your milk memories.
84
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,166
She wants to hear my story.
85
00:03:24,300 --> 00:03:25,500
About my slip‐and‐fall.
86
00:03:25,633 --> 00:03:27,400
Which needs no embellishment.
87
00:03:27,533 --> 00:03:30,333
Oh, to be clear, I don't want
to hear anyone's story.
88
00:03:30,466 --> 00:03:33,666
It was a hot and balmy night.
89
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:38,933
My décolletage was glistening
from the moist air.
90
00:03:39,066 --> 00:03:43,433
There she is, the Paula Abdula
of Greenpoint.
91
00:03:43,566 --> 00:03:45,833
And the newest member
of the Carolina Panther
92
00:03:45,966 --> 00:03:47,466
cheerleading squad.
93
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:48,800
How'd the audition go?
94
00:03:48,933 --> 00:03:50,733
You guys, I'm sure I didn't
get it.
95
00:03:50,866 --> 00:03:52,800
Some of those girls have
danced on cruise ships.
96
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,966
Hush, Jenny, you're getting
the hell out of Greenpoint.
97
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,366
You'll spend a year or two
as a Panthers girl,
98
00:03:57,500 --> 00:04:00,433
then go the J. Lo route:
seduce a music producer,
99
00:04:00,566 --> 00:04:03,233
make a mint for all of us,
then star in an epic flop
100
00:04:03,366 --> 00:04:05,833
with Ben Affleck
and come out even stronger.
101
00:04:05,966 --> 00:04:08,000
And once you make the team,
I'm coming with,
102
00:04:08,133 --> 00:04:09,500
'cause you're gonna need
an entourage.
103
00:04:09,633 --> 00:04:11,533
You know, like that HBO show,
Arliss.
104
00:04:11,666 --> 00:04:13,800
You guys, I'm not moving
to Charlotte.
105
00:04:13,933 --> 00:04:16,433
Now, living in Charlotte
is not gonna be cheap.
106
00:04:16,566 --> 00:04:19,166
Fortunately, I have got a plan.
107
00:04:19,300 --> 00:04:21,033
Oh, Lord, please don't say
you're gonna do a slip‐and‐fall
108
00:04:21,166 --> 00:04:22,366
and pretend to get hurt
for money.
109
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:25,233
♪♪ I'm gonna do
a slip‐and‐fall. ♪♪
110
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,033
Okay, everyone.
111
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,633
Now, before the doors open,
I have prepared
112
00:04:29,766 --> 00:04:33,733
a whimsical acrostic
for the occasion: shopping.
113
00:04:33,866 --> 00:04:37,500
The "S" stands for safety,
wherever you may browse.
114
00:04:37,633 --> 00:04:39,333
The "H" stands for...
115
00:04:39,466 --> 00:04:40,333
Oh, my God!
116
00:04:40,466 --> 00:04:43,833
Move it or lose it.
(grunts)
117
00:04:43,966 --> 00:04:47,233
Eat forehead, nerd.
118
00:04:47,366 --> 00:04:50,500
‐All your garbage is mine now.
‐Oh, no.
119
00:04:50,633 --> 00:04:54,100
‐What?
‐My plan just hit
its first major snag.
120
00:04:54,233 --> 00:04:58,100
See that spicy
fleur‐de‐lis over there?
121
00:04:58,233 --> 00:05:01,666
That man is Henri Tomber.
122
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:04,833
Hails from New Orleans.
He's a slip‐and‐fall detective.
123
00:05:04,966 --> 00:05:06,000
They have those?
124
00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:08,833
(sighs) He works for the
insurance company,
125
00:05:08,966 --> 00:05:10,900
protecting stores
from phony claims.
126
00:05:11,033 --> 00:05:12,400
I clashed with him
three years ago
127
00:05:12,533 --> 00:05:13,900
at a Kroger in Randleman.
128
00:05:14,033 --> 00:05:17,200
He sent me away for 20 days
of hard community service.
129
00:05:17,333 --> 00:05:19,833
Him being here just made
my job a lot tougher.
130
00:05:19,966 --> 00:05:23,633
But you know I got a perma‐boner
for a good challenge.
131
00:05:28,133 --> 00:05:29,233
(grunts)
132
00:05:29,366 --> 00:05:31,400
I for real fell!
133
00:05:31,533 --> 00:05:33,700
Sir, are you okay? Ugh.
134
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:35,966
I'll get the paperwork
for you to start suing us.
135
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:37,566
HENRI:
Now, wait a minute.
136
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,133
Let me take a look here.
137
00:05:39,266 --> 00:05:41,600
I understand you had
some kind of whoopsie‐doodle.
138
00:05:41,733 --> 00:05:42,833
Ooh! Aah.
139
00:05:42,966 --> 00:05:45,033
Why don't you tell Henri
all about it.
140
00:05:45,166 --> 00:05:47,466
Oh, it hurts real bad,
my babies.
141
00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:51,266
I fell on this barbecue sauce
that was left here negligently.
142
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,966
I may never walk again.
143
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,433
Hmm, barbecue sauce, you say?
144
00:05:59,566 --> 00:06:03,433
I happen to know a little bit
about barbecue sauces.
145
00:06:03,566 --> 00:06:05,200
You‐you do?
146
00:06:05,333 --> 00:06:07,933
And this here sauce I'm tasting
is Screamin' Steve's
147
00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:10,966
barbecue sauce,
which, if I'm not mistaken,
148
00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,800
isn't sold within
15 miles of this here store.
149
00:06:13,933 --> 00:06:16,700
Rookie mistake.
Hate to see it.
150
00:06:16,833 --> 00:06:19,400
You sure did slip, boy.
Slipped up.
151
00:06:19,533 --> 00:06:21,033
Take him away.
152
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:25,766
You have no idea
how good Henri is.
153
00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:28,033
It's just like I always say:
154
00:06:28,166 --> 00:06:29,733
"If you're gonna fake a tumbo,
155
00:06:29,866 --> 00:06:32,033
beware the Gumbo Columbo."
156
00:06:32,166 --> 00:06:34,333
Mother, just now is the first
time you've ever said that.
157
00:06:34,466 --> 00:06:36,300
(phone rings)
158
00:06:36,433 --> 00:06:39,666
Oh, my God,
a Charlotte area code.
159
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,733
I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
160
00:06:41,866 --> 00:06:43,433
(breathing heavily)
161
00:06:43,566 --> 00:06:46,133
Just pick it up, dumbass.
162
00:06:46,266 --> 00:06:47,300
Hello?
163
00:06:47,433 --> 00:06:49,200
Hi, Jennifer,
this is Austin McNutt
164
00:06:49,333 --> 00:06:50,533
from the Carolina Panthers.
165
00:06:50,666 --> 00:06:52,300
I'm calling to say
166
00:06:52,433 --> 00:06:55,200
that unfortunately there were
a lot of girls who tried out...
167
00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:58,300
‐so I have bad news.
‐I knew it.
168
00:06:58,433 --> 00:07:01,000
Which is that you're gonna
have to move away...
169
00:07:01,133 --> 00:07:03,666
‐(all gasp)
‐...because you got the job!
170
00:07:03,800 --> 00:07:05,166
Wait, I got it?
171
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,200
Let me finish.
You got the job
172
00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:09,166
of wiping away tears...
173
00:07:09,300 --> 00:07:11,166
‐Oh.
‐What?
‐ ...of joy...
174
00:07:11,300 --> 00:07:12,333
I think I'm back in?
175
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,000
...off the faces of the girls
176
00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:16,066
who actually did make the team.
177
00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:18,033
‐Okay, what now?
‐Which includes you!
178
00:07:18,166 --> 00:07:19,900
I straight‐up hate this dude.
179
00:07:20,033 --> 00:07:23,166
So congratulations,
or should I say condolences,
180
00:07:23,300 --> 00:07:25,700
for having to come in and work
with my silly ass.
181
00:07:25,833 --> 00:07:27,466
Did she get it or not?!
182
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,566
She got in. She totally got in.
I'm sorry.
183
00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:31,900
I‐I just did so many poppers
last night.
184
00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:33,533
(cheering, laughing)
185
00:07:33,666 --> 00:07:35,066
All right!
186
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,233
I'm in!
High kick, air punch, high kick.
187
00:07:38,366 --> 00:07:40,500
‐Oh, sorry.
‐Whoo! Good one, Jenny.
188
00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:41,633
Take his stuff.
189
00:07:41,766 --> 00:07:43,833
Hold on.
Gram, why did you tell me
190
00:07:43,966 --> 00:07:45,700
this story was about
your slip‐and‐fall?
191
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,033
It's clearly the story
of Mom getting her dream job.
192
00:07:48,166 --> 00:07:50,666
And, Mom, why have I never
heard about this?
193
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,466
Oh, it wasn't really a big deal.
194
00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,666
Not a big deal?
Mom, that job was a huge deal.
195
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,800
An‐And speaking of
huge deal jobs,
196
00:07:57,933 --> 00:08:00,200
my dairy truck situation
certainly
197
00:08:00,333 --> 00:08:02,966
‐was not getting any easier.
‐Wait, no, don't.
198
00:08:03,100 --> 00:08:05,033
WAYNE:I was gonna make itby the skin of my teeth,
199
00:08:05,166 --> 00:08:08,266
as long as there wereno surprises.
200
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:11,033
But things rarely goaccording to plan
201
00:08:11,166 --> 00:08:13,633
in the fast‐paced worldof hauling perishables.
202
00:08:13,766 --> 00:08:14,966
(quacks)
203
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:17,400
‐(cries out)
‐(tires screeching)
204
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:23,900
(exhales)
205
00:08:24,033 --> 00:08:27,233
(all quacking)
206
00:08:27,366 --> 00:08:29,566
A lot to unpack here.
207
00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:31,766
You're definitely winning me
over with the periscope,
208
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:34,000
but I do need to
get back to Mom's thing.
209
00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:36,833
Oh, my God, I got the job.
I'm an NFL cheerleader!
210
00:08:36,966 --> 00:08:38,466
Oh, my God,
my mouth's getting dry.
211
00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:40,466
I can't feel my hands. Are my
teeth loose? I'm so nauseous.
212
00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:42,400
That's the sweet adrenaline rush
of knowing
213
00:08:42,533 --> 00:08:44,533
you're better than
everyone else.
214
00:08:44,666 --> 00:08:46,533
‐Mother, no.
‐Listen up, losers.
215
00:08:46,666 --> 00:08:48,300
My daughter, Jenny Hart,
216
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:49,966
has just been accepted to
217
00:08:50,100 --> 00:08:52,533
the Carolina Pantherscheerleader squad.
218
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:53,966
So we're better than you now.
219
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,700
So pucker your smoochers
220
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:58,333
and start kissing our
boo‐heinies immediately.
221
00:08:58,466 --> 00:08:59,700
Okay, Mom, that's enough.
222
00:08:59,833 --> 00:09:02,233
There are two tiers
of people now: tier one, us,
223
00:09:02,366 --> 00:09:04,366
tier two, y'all.
224
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:07,166
Now, let's shop!
225
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:09,466
With the whole town in a tizzyover Jenny's news,
226
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,866
I could focus on my own plan.
227
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,633
Mother, did you just purposely
grab a cart
228
00:09:13,766 --> 00:09:14,900
with a broken wheel?
229
00:09:15,033 --> 00:09:17,666
The less you know
about my plan, the better.
230
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:22,400
Now, you may be wonderingwhat, exactly, my plan was.
231
00:09:22,533 --> 00:09:24,700
No, we're not focusing
on your plan.
232
00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:26,133
Mom, what happened next?
233
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,633
I'll tell you
what happened next.
234
00:09:27,766 --> 00:09:30,233
Now that your momwas a celebrity,
235
00:09:30,366 --> 00:09:31,833
the vultures started circling.
236
00:09:31,966 --> 00:09:33,333
And they all wanted something:
237
00:09:33,466 --> 00:09:35,033
Jenny's smoking‐hot carcass.
238
00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:37,733
Oh, I'm so proud of you, Jenny.
Can I get an autograph?
239
00:09:37,866 --> 00:09:40,266
So you can turn around
and sell it on eBay?
240
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,500
Nice try, Norma.
241
00:09:42,633 --> 00:09:45,666
When I grow up,
I want to be just like...
242
00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:48,633
She's not loaning you money.
Scram!
243
00:09:48,766 --> 00:09:51,233
Oof. I don't feel so good.
244
00:09:51,366 --> 00:09:53,066
On behalf of Mega Lo Mart,
245
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,233
here's a bucket of
celebratory popcorn.
246
00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:59,533
Plain, caramel,
and habanero ranch.
247
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,400
(retching)
248
00:10:02,533 --> 00:10:04,033
You show him, Jenny.
249
00:10:04,166 --> 00:10:06,533
You hear that, y'all
phony‐baloney hangers‐on‐ers?
250
00:10:06,666 --> 00:10:08,433
You make us friggin' sick.
251
00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:10,833
Actually, I haven't been
feeling good all day.
252
00:10:13,766 --> 00:10:15,766
Jenny, can I say something?
253
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:18,133
No, no, no, no, no.
There is no way I'm pregnant.
254
00:10:18,266 --> 00:10:20,066
No way, nuh‐uh.
There are things I am and things
255
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,233
I'm not‐‐ a cheerleader, yes;
pregnant, no.
256
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:24,266
(gasps)
257
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,300
(whimpering):
I'm pregnant.
258
00:10:30,933 --> 00:10:33,166
Wait, so you had just
gotten your dream job,
259
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,100
and then you found out
you were pregnant with me?
260
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:36,366
You must have been freaking out.
261
00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:37,933
What? (scoffs)
262
00:10:38,066 --> 00:10:39,700
Freaking out with happiness
maybe.
263
00:10:39,833 --> 00:10:43,700
Oh, this is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me!
264
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:45,333
My life is over.
My mom's gonna kill me.
265
00:10:45,466 --> 00:10:46,833
I am dead. Dead!
266
00:10:46,966 --> 00:10:49,433
What the freak am I gonna do
with a crapping baby?
267
00:10:51,033 --> 00:10:53,433
Anyway, we love you.
We're real glad you're here.
268
00:10:53,566 --> 00:10:56,300
Now let's talk about something
I wasn't glad was there:
269
00:10:56,433 --> 00:10:57,733
those ducks.
270
00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,233
Nailed the segue, dude.
271
00:10:59,366 --> 00:11:01,466
They cost me
eight precious minutes.
272
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:02,833
And unless I could findanother way
273
00:11:02,966 --> 00:11:04,200
to keep my creams cold,
274
00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:06,466
that truck was headedstraight to Curdle Town
275
00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:07,800
on the Sour Milk Expressway,
276
00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:10,866
population: spoiled.
277
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,300
(tires screech)
278
00:11:12,433 --> 00:11:14,266
‐♪♪ ♪♪
‐(all gasp)
279
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:17,266
I'm gonna need the contents
of all your Slusherito machines.
280
00:11:17,400 --> 00:11:19,600
Oh, snap. You trying
to keep your creams cold?
281
00:11:19,733 --> 00:11:20,966
You know it.
282
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:22,733
(chuckles):
You're crazy, man.
283
00:11:22,866 --> 00:11:25,766
Wayne, I'm loving your story.
Zero notes.
284
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:27,933
But can we hear
what happened to Mom first?
285
00:11:28,066 --> 00:11:29,900
‐And, Gram,
I don't have time for...
‐The pieces
286
00:11:30,033 --> 00:11:32,133
were falling into place,but Henri,
287
00:11:32,266 --> 00:11:35,100
the Cajun Complication,was hot on my tail.
288
00:11:35,233 --> 00:11:37,733
Beatrice Jean Bryant.
289
00:11:37,866 --> 00:11:40,766
Henri Bourbon Street Tomber.
290
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,133
Why am I not surprised
to see you here?
291
00:11:43,266 --> 00:11:45,166
You wouldn't be
planning on taking
292
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,433
a little accidental tumbo,
would you?
293
00:11:47,566 --> 00:11:49,666
Who, me? Oh, I'm just shopping.
294
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,866
Is that a crime now, Detective?
295
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,633
Now, let's just take a look
at your cart,
296
00:11:53,766 --> 00:11:55,133
shall we, s'il vous plaît?
297
00:11:55,266 --> 00:11:59,733
Rifle your calloused hands
through my goods all you want.
298
00:12:00,866 --> 00:12:03,400
Bananas.
A thousand‐pack of marbles.
299
00:12:03,533 --> 00:12:05,000
Motor oil.
300
00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:07,133
That's a mighty slippery
assortment of items
301
00:12:07,266 --> 00:12:08,866
you're shopping for.
302
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,300
But why don't I
do you a kindness
303
00:12:10,433 --> 00:12:12,266
and hold these items
for you up front.
304
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,966
‐If you must.
‐Oh, I must certainly must.
305
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,466
BETTY: But whathe didn't know was...
306
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:20,133
Gram, I don't care.
307
00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:21,466
Mom, what happened next?
308
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,766
(sighs)
What am I gonna do?
309
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:25,533
I just broke up
with that butthole Don,
310
00:12:25,666 --> 00:12:27,566
and I was all ready
to start my life in Charlotte
311
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:30,500
as a Panthers girl,
not be a single mom.
312
00:12:30,633 --> 00:12:33,300
Okay, just spitballing
right off the top of my head.
313
00:12:33,433 --> 00:12:35,066
I heard
that you can leave a baby
314
00:12:35,200 --> 00:12:37,433
at any fire station,
and they have to raise it.
315
00:12:37,566 --> 00:12:40,600
Plus, bonus, that baby's
got a built‐in job for life.
316
00:12:40,733 --> 00:12:43,466
I am not leaving a baby
at a fire station.
317
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,266
And do you think
that's how we get firemen?
318
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,366
You think a person
with two parents
319
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,466
would run
into a burning building?
320
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,866
Okay, well, we can't
tell anyone. I need to think.
321
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:53,533
Doo, doo‐doo‐doo.
322
00:12:53,666 --> 00:12:55,033
Knock, knock.
323
00:12:55,166 --> 00:12:58,300
Hey, Jenny. I'm so proud of you.
324
00:12:58,433 --> 00:12:59,500
Look at us, y'all.
325
00:12:59,633 --> 00:13:03,566
Two successful,
career‐oriented women.
326
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:07,033
Me, bravely inheriting
my family's seafood restaurant,
327
00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:10,866
and you, a full‐fledged
football dancer.
328
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,500
Yep. Look at us.
329
00:13:12,633 --> 00:13:15,433
Anyway, congratulations.
330
00:13:15,566 --> 00:13:18,166
You and I beat the odds because,
you know, most of the girls
331
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,133
out here just get blessed
with child
332
00:13:20,266 --> 00:13:22,666
right out of high school
and then they fall directly
333
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,133
into a life of stripping
and boom‐boom.
334
00:13:25,266 --> 00:13:26,700
But not you and me, Jenny.
335
00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:29,300
Doo, doo‐doo‐doo.
See you at the top.
336
00:13:29,433 --> 00:13:32,466
And, Brenda,
I will pray for you.
337
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:35,833
So, how did Gram react
when you told her?
338
00:13:35,966 --> 00:13:37,600
Well, I was waiting
for the perfect time.
339
00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:38,800
You know, you don't want
to interrupt her
340
00:13:38,933 --> 00:13:40,000
when she's mid‐grift.
341
00:13:40,133 --> 00:13:41,766
BETTY:By all appearances,
342
00:13:41,900 --> 00:13:43,266
Henri had gotten the best of me.
343
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:47,133
But appearancescan be deceiving.
344
00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:49,600
Stupid cart's fighting me
345
00:13:49,733 --> 00:13:52,166
like a big‐bosomed lady
demanding her Mardi Gras beads.
346
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:54,366
Wobbly wheel, check.
347
00:13:55,733 --> 00:13:58,700
Precariously stacked
soup pyramid, check.
348
00:14:02,666 --> 00:14:06,366
Teetering panini press over
a "what you doing here" yogurt.
349
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,066
It's showtime.
350
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,466
(distorted shout)
351
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,966
‐(dinging)
‐(all gasp)
352
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:18,033
Ma'am, are you okay?
353
00:14:18,166 --> 00:14:20,466
Oh, I must have slipped
on that yogurt.
354
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,033
I saw the whole thing.
It's that guy's fault.
355
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:25,500
Now, now, listen here.
She set me up.
356
00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:27,533
She tricked me
into pushing that wobbly cart.
357
00:14:27,666 --> 00:14:30,500
A‐And now she must've placed
that panini press precariously.
358
00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:33,266
I say, she's faux‐hurt
from that yogurt.
359
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,166
Oh, my back.
360
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:38,700
I'm in an expensive amount
of pain.
361
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:40,966
(sighs):
God, I'm such a dumbass.
362
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,600
I had a chance
at something huge,
363
00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:44,800
and I blew it in the most
cliché way imaginable.
364
00:14:44,933 --> 00:14:48,366
I skipped all the fun J. Lo stuff
and went straight to Gigli.
365
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,000
You didn't blow anything.
366
00:14:50,133 --> 00:14:51,600
You'll pop that sucker out,
367
00:14:51,733 --> 00:14:53,333
get a Curves membership,
and get back
368
00:14:53,466 --> 00:14:55,266
to Tight Butt Fly Girl City.
369
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:58,266
(sighs) Yeah, if my mom
doesn't kill me first.
370
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,866
(echoing): Jenny, she'll accept
it. She'll know what to do.
371
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,266
‐(heart beating)
‐Everything will be okay.
372
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,200
‐(baby crying)
‐Come on, work with Mama here.
373
00:15:06,333 --> 00:15:07,600
Come on. Come on.
374
00:15:07,733 --> 00:15:09,100
WOMAN:
No, Justin.
375
00:15:09,233 --> 00:15:11,400
I told you to stop it. Ugh.
376
00:15:11,533 --> 00:15:13,866
Why can't we just
talk about it, honey?
377
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,366
'Cause I hate you, Mom!
378
00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:17,100
(panting):
I need some fresh air.
379
00:15:18,333 --> 00:15:19,600
(alarm sounding)
380
00:15:19,733 --> 00:15:21,666
We got a shoplifter!
381
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,333
Sure do! I think
that's Jenny Hart.
382
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:25,600
Oh, the girl who just got
383
00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:27,500
the professional
cheerleading job?
384
00:15:27,633 --> 00:15:29,333
And now she's caught
stealing something?
385
00:15:29,466 --> 00:15:30,600
What'd she steal?
386
00:15:30,733 --> 00:15:33,466
A baker's dozen pregnancy tests.
387
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,300
Negative or positive?
388
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:37,800
Positive, brother.
389
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,100
Attention, we've got
390
00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:41,600
a pregnant shoplifter
391
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:44,300
‐by the name of Jenny Hart.
‐What?
392
00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:46,833
Ho, ho. You wanted us
to think you was hurt,
393
00:15:46,966 --> 00:15:49,333
but you popped up
like a baby in a king cake.
394
00:15:49,466 --> 00:15:51,500
Only thing fatter
than Tuesday is your lies.
395
00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:53,933
(gasps)
No!
396
00:15:57,033 --> 00:16:00,333
So, not only did you find out
you were pregnant with me
397
00:16:00,466 --> 00:16:02,366
at a Mega Lo Mart bathroom,
but the cherry
398
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:05,766
on this ambrosia salad is that
you immediately got arrested?
399
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:08,533
Well, don't forget,
I also had just pulled off
400
00:16:08,666 --> 00:16:13,433
the most amazing, epic slip‐and‐
fall in Mega Lo Mart history.
401
00:16:13,566 --> 00:16:14,866
But you were immediately busted.
402
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:19,933
Ow! Can I just finish my story?
403
00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:21,800
I mean,
does it even matter what I...
404
00:16:21,933 --> 00:16:23,033
WAYNE:The mixtureof banana fluffernutter
405
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:25,100
and Sex on the Beach Slusheritos
406
00:16:25,233 --> 00:16:26,533
was only going to buy meso much time,
407
00:16:26,666 --> 00:16:29,033
but I knew,where there's a will,
408
00:16:29,166 --> 00:16:30,333
there's a Wayne.
409
00:16:31,666 --> 00:16:32,866
Don't cry, little buddy.
410
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,866
I'm getting you home safe.
411
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,866
(engine starts)
412
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,200
(shouts)
413
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:41,433
No! Not now.
414
00:16:41,566 --> 00:16:43,000
Not after all of this.
415
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:45,200
It was gonna take a miracleto pull this one off.
416
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:49,533
And then, sure enough,one pulled up right next to me.
417
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:52,600
Looks like your milk truck
is past its expiration date.
418
00:16:52,733 --> 00:16:54,966
It sure is. Oh, my God.
419
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,966
You're professional wrestler
turned movie star Bear Vulcano.
420
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,666
You drive a flower truck?
421
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,900
Course I do. I used to haul
weapons‐grade nitroglycerin,
422
00:17:03,033 --> 00:17:06,033
but then I realized I don't have
to prove anything to anybody.
423
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:10,600
I like flowers and wrestling
and acting, in that order.
424
00:17:10,733 --> 00:17:12,666
That is so cool,
Real Bear Vulcano.
425
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,533
Wait a minute. You got room
in there for a load of dairy?
426
00:17:15,666 --> 00:17:19,766
Are peonies the perfect flower
for dads and grads?
427
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:22,633
(chuckles) Yeah.
We got the creams in on time.
428
00:17:22,766 --> 00:17:25,433
That's it? I mean,
I love the Bear Vulcano cameo,
429
00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:27,333
I just through there would be
an explosion or something.
430
00:17:27,466 --> 00:17:29,166
(chuckles):
Oh, there was.
431
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:35,166
‐Who's this?
‐My ex.
432
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:38,166
She thinks I'm not a real man
because I'm too emotional.
433
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:41,100
Guess I'm not the big,
masculine hero she needs.
434
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:46,033
Your ex sounds like a real turd.
435
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,500
There's nothing more manly
than getting
436
00:17:47,633 --> 00:17:51,133
in a no‐holds‐barred cage match
with your emotions.
437
00:17:51,266 --> 00:17:53,633
I want to thank you,
Real Bear Vulcano.
438
00:17:53,766 --> 00:17:55,066
No, thank you.
439
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:56,833
Any day I get to hand someone
a flower
440
00:17:56,966 --> 00:17:58,500
and tell them
it's gonna be okay,
441
00:17:58,633 --> 00:18:00,433
that's a win for me.
442
00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:04,500
My flowers! The nitro!
443
00:18:04,633 --> 00:18:06,900
Great, bravo. I love
how you brought it home.
444
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,600
Now, Mom, where were we?
445
00:18:08,733 --> 00:18:10,433
Well, there's not much else
to tell.
446
00:18:10,566 --> 00:18:12,400
I still didn't have the courageto face Mother,
447
00:18:12,533 --> 00:18:13,933
so I went and hidin the back of the store.
448
00:18:19,333 --> 00:18:23,100
(sighs)
Ugh, sweating for two.
449
00:18:24,100 --> 00:18:26,800
‐Oh, sorry.
‐WAYNE: No worries.
450
00:18:26,933 --> 00:18:28,300
Just restocking the nogs.
451
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,933
Hang on. You were
in the back of the store,
452
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,766
‐like, the dairy section?
‐Yeah, why?
453
00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:36,700
(gasps)
No freaking way.
454
00:18:36,833 --> 00:18:39,166
‐You okay, ma'am?
‐No, nothing's okay.
455
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,333
Everyone had such
high expectations for me,
456
00:18:41,466 --> 00:18:42,966
and then I let them all down.
457
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:44,933
WAYNE:
Aw, who cares
what everyone thinks?
458
00:18:45,066 --> 00:18:47,600
Being a hero
isn't about impressing people.
459
00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:49,800
It's about being there
when someone needs you.
460
00:18:51,233 --> 00:18:54,200
Yeah, now there's really
someone who needs me.
461
00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:56,400
Hey.
462
00:18:56,533 --> 00:18:58,333
I know what'll cheer you up.
463
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:00,733
JENNY:
Aw, a violet.
464
00:19:00,866 --> 00:19:02,033
(chuckles)
Pretty.
465
00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:04,700
Oh, my God, that was you.
466
00:19:04,833 --> 00:19:06,900
You were the man
that gave me that flower.
467
00:19:07,033 --> 00:19:09,866
We met before
we ever actually met?
468
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:12,233
How crazy is that?
469
00:19:12,366 --> 00:19:13,433
VIOLET:
So dumb.
470
00:19:13,566 --> 00:19:16,200
So, it turns out
Wayne actually named me?
471
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:18,933
Huh. Yeah, I guess
he sort of did.
472
00:19:19,066 --> 00:19:21,000
That is so stupid.
473
00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:23,866
How much dumber
could this dumb story get?
474
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,466
Well, it does get
a teeny bit dumber.
475
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,466
See, when I walked back
to the front of the store...
476
00:19:33,466 --> 00:19:34,900
What's all this?
477
00:19:35,033 --> 00:19:38,800
A showering of gifts
for the baby, my baby.
478
00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:40,500
I got you these.
479
00:19:40,633 --> 00:19:42,700
Jenny, I'm so sorry
I said all that stuff earlier.
480
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,333
If I had known,
I would have said it
481
00:19:44,466 --> 00:19:46,433
behind your back, at church,
482
00:19:46,566 --> 00:19:49,500
under the guise of asking people
to pray for you.
483
00:19:49,633 --> 00:19:52,000
But I think you're gonna be
a great mom.
484
00:19:52,133 --> 00:19:53,866
Aw, thanks, Louise.
485
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,966
I got you some baby bibs.
486
00:19:56,100 --> 00:19:58,466
This one says "Goo Goo"
in the Google font.
487
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,500
What a humorous use of typeface.
488
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,866
These are Mega Lo Mart Dumpers.
489
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:04,533
They can't legally
be called diapers
490
00:20:04,666 --> 00:20:07,466
'cause they contain
trace amounts of fiberglass,
491
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,333
which technically
makes them insulation.
492
00:20:09,466 --> 00:20:10,800
That's very thoughtful.
493
00:20:10,933 --> 00:20:12,266
Dance shoes?
494
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:14,600
I think these might be
a little big for the baby.
495
00:20:14,733 --> 00:20:16,633
They are not for the baby,
dummy.
496
00:20:16,766 --> 00:20:18,633
They are for you,
'cause being a mom
497
00:20:18,766 --> 00:20:20,800
does not mean you got
to give up on your dreams.
498
00:20:20,933 --> 00:20:22,433
Yeah, it's just a curveball.
499
00:20:22,566 --> 00:20:25,500
Some milk guy told
me the same thing.
500
00:20:25,633 --> 00:20:27,166
(all gasp)
501
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:29,766
Mother, I already know
what you're gonna say.
502
00:20:29,900 --> 00:20:31,766
Okay? You're disappointed.
503
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:35,100
(shushes) You're right.
I am disappointed.
504
00:20:35,233 --> 00:20:38,000
I'm disappointed
that you were afraid to tell me,
505
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:41,766
because I will always be
there for you,
506
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,933
no matter what.
507
00:20:45,533 --> 00:20:49,466
Now, some of you are skimping
on your shower gifts.
508
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:52,466
This is my grandbaby
we're talking about.
509
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,633
Let's turn this shower
into a waterfall, y'all.
510
00:21:00,333 --> 00:21:02,300
VIOLET:
Wow, they threw you an impromptu
511
00:21:02,433 --> 00:21:03,400
Black Friday baby shower?
512
00:21:03,533 --> 00:21:05,000
Man, the people in this town
513
00:21:05,133 --> 00:21:06,866
really look out
for each other, don't they?
514
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:08,633
They sure do.
515
00:21:08,766 --> 00:21:11,200
‐(air horn blowing)
‐Let's do it!
516
00:21:11,333 --> 00:21:13,366
(excited shouting)
517
00:21:14,633 --> 00:21:16,433
Someone crowd‐surf me
over to the headphones.
518
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:18,000
My tube top is slipping.
519
00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:20,433
‐Someone's biting me.
‐I'm biting someone!
520
00:21:20,566 --> 00:21:22,966
I found a tube top, babies!
521
00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:28,166
MANAGER WEBB:Whoa, whoa, man. Hey!
522
00:21:28,300 --> 00:21:29,566
(glass shatters)
523
00:21:29,700 --> 00:21:31,600
‐(meows)
‐(horn honks musically)
39789
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof