All language subtitles for American Housewife 1x01 - Pilot (English)

They say one day
a meteor will strike the Earth,

obliterating life as we know it,

but it's not coming
soon enough to help me.

You see, my neighbor, Fat Pam,

is giving up and moving to Vermont.

She's had enough
of the skinnies in this town,

and once Fat Pam is gone,
I am going to be the s...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Anna-Kat! Do not pee in the yard!

Mom, I've thought about it,

and I refuse to participate

in the school food drive on principle.

And what principle is that?

Westport homeless people
have better stuff than we do.

Nude Norman rides a bike
that's worth more than our car.

And when he does wear clothes,

they're Ms. Halloran's
cashmere hand-me-downs.

It's a little thing
called charity, Oliver.

It's the worst thing for him.

Nude Norman isn't gonna get a job

if it's open season
on free cans of creamed corn.

I'm not gonna lie to you...

We boned it pretty bad with this one.

Oliver has one goal in life...
to be rich.

And it sure doesn't help
that we're living

here in Westport, Connecticut.

It's the kind of town

where people have big houses
and tiny butts,

where every idiot
has a boat and a Labradoodle.

I'll make it easy for you.

Here's a Labradoodle
on some idiot's boat.

Then there's us... We're renters.

We're here because Westport
has a great public school

with special programs
for our Anna-Kat...

I'm getting great at peeing outside.

Dry socks.

...who just might need
a little extra help.

Anna-Kat has a touch of the anxieties.

Not Rain Man anxiety,

but it's not in the family newsletter.

Clean.

She's my favorite.

That's right... I said it.

I said it in my head.

You need to read my report
and check my work.

Yeah. No.

I was in the charge
of the Trail of Tears diorama,

which I nailed.

The solar system project is all Dad.

Upstairs.

My husband Greg,
at rest in his natural habitat.

Mommies of the world, I ask you...

what would happen if we all took

a leisurely half-hour dump
every morning?

What about the plops?

I don't want to hear any plops.

Easy-peasey chicken squeezie.

Lemon squeezie.

I can still hear!

Now, don't come out
until you get those signed.

Breakfast, Taylor.

This is Taylor, my oldest,

whose life has been
one, long awkward phase

until last Thursday when the Boob Fairy

paid her a visit.

I used to look like that.

Let's see what she looks like
after three kids.

Morning, Mom.

She's growing up so fast.

How are you stocked for feminine things?

I'm stocked.

And I really don't want to hear

another one of your
bled-through-my-pants" stories.

Hey, my mother never talked
to me about any of this stuff.

I spent half of sixth grade

with a sweat sock in my underpants

convinced I was dying.

Yeah, that's a lie.

It happened to this
Pakistani girl I used to know

who was raised by her grandfather.

Would now be a good time
to ask for a pet owl?

I don't know if there's ever
a good time for that.

Tell your mom thanks
for sending you in here

for this quality
daddy-daughter toilet time.

Okay, Daddy.

Anna-Kat, close the door, honey.

Close the door, baby.

Anna... Ah, forget it.

Oh, Fat Pam, why are you abandoning me,

my jolly, plus-sized, ham-ass neighbor?

Oh, God. Here comes Nude Norman.

Hi!

He's not naked.

Yeah, well, to be fair to him,
it was only that one time.

Oh!

For the love of all things, where was I?

Oh, yes.

Once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be

the second-fattest housewife
in Westport.

Damn you, Fat Pam.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Have a good day, sweetie.

Remember how Dr. Ellie taught you

to do that little secret thing
with your fingers

to relax yourself?

Try that today.

- Okay, Mommy.
- Okay.

Mwah.

Bye.

Oh, God help her.

Ugh. Westport mommies.

Flat stomachs, tight, high asses,

thighs that don't touch,

and those stupid green drinks.

Hi!

- Mwah!
- Mwah!

Oh, great.

Not only is Taylor growing up,

but she's growing up to be one of them.

My full-time job is to make sure

two of my kids fit in less
and one fits in more.

Oh, Katie!

Hi!

You have something
on the back of your shirt.

That's pizza.

I thought it came out in the wash.

How did you get a pizza stain
on the back of your shirt?

Honest answer?

I was either wearing it
backwards when I ate the pizza,

or I'm wearing it backwards now.

Yeah, now.

I love you, Katie.

You're so real.

"You're so real" is Westport Mommy Code

for "You shouldn't be eating
that or driving that,

and I saw you unbutton
your pants at that stoplight."

Thanks, Suzanne.

Bye.

What do you say, bitches?

Second breakfast?

Yes.

Celeste never even wanted
to carry a child.

I'm the one whose genitals
took one for the team... twice.

And yet, now she's fighting me

for the last vial of our family sperm.

Enough about me
and my bitter lesbian divorce.

Well, I've got some news.

Pam just put her house on the market.

Fat Pam? Rich Fat Pam?

She's moving to Vermont.

And I'm going to be

the second-fattest housewife
in Westport.

- Mnh. Not possible.
- No way.

Okay, there's Evelyn. The biggest.

- Thank God for Evelyn.
- Yeah.

Name another woman around here
fatter than me.

- Oh, my God.
- Katie.

The women around here are freaks.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You're beautiful and amazing.

And they're just totally giving...

What the hell is that woman
over there wearing?

Is that a Fitbit?

Uh, yeah. That's a Fitbit.

But she's wearing two of them.

Yeah, she is. One on each wrist.

I literally cannot conceive of a reason

why a person would need
to wear two Fitbits.

When did it become okay
for women our age

to do nothing but diet and work out?

It's all those damn fools do.

It's completely absurd

and a total waste of feminine energy.

I object to it deeply
and on every level.

On every level.

Do you know what you are, Katie?

- You're a revolutionary.
- Mm-hmm.

Half the women in this country
are over a size 14,

and they're made to feel bad
about themselves.

Who came up with the idea
that a mother of three

should have an ass like a 19-year-old?

Oh, you have a great ass, Katie.

Like a couple of ripe
cantaloupes in your pants.

Thank you. I know.

I'll tell you one thing...

I'm not going on some stupid diet.

Greg pretty much wants to have
sex with me all the time anyway.

I'm not really interested

in giving him any added incentives.

Sex on a full stomach after midnight

against my will?

Uh-huh.

You have to sit next to me
while I watch "Castle"

and let me talk
about Nathan Fillion's hair.

I told you that makes me feel
self-conscious.

His hair is so lustrous.

Oh, we're talking two full episodes

if I don't make you wear
the sleeping mask.

You know I love the way you look.

I ate something weird.

Mmm.

You... You feel different.

Mm. Different how?

Like a, uh...

brand-new bag of flour.

It's my Spanx.

Oh, let's just get those
off of you, then.

That's not gonna work.
They're hooked to my bra.

Why?

Well, if you do it right,
it turns gut into boob.

- Well, they do look good.
- Well, they should.

They're 1/3 gut.

I feel good.

Me, too.

I always feel a tiny bit sick,
but not in a bad way.

Is your top on backwards?

Yeah.

Taylor, tell your brother
how well you did

with the food drive last year.

I did very well.

I don't believe in giving hand-outs.

This constant doling out of freebies

violates my principles,

and it's tearing this country apart.

I don't like it, Mom.
I don't like it one bit.

They told me to stop

eating soft cheeses
while I was pregnant with you,

but I didn't listen.

And this is what happens.

I think that's a weird thing
to say to a child.

Listen to me, Oliver.

Bring in some damn cans of food
for the food drive tomorrow,

and that is a direct order.

Okay, fine.

But shouldn't you be focusing
on your kids who needs focusing?

How's school, Anna-Kat?

Well, I don't have any friends.

Of course you have friends, sweetie.

Today it was because I wouldn't
hold hands in partner tag.

Why didn't you hold hands
in partner tag?

Because I don't want to catch
people's invisible germs.

What? What are you talking about?

That's how you get sick.

- That is not how you get sick.
- Pretty sure it is.

Right.

Germs are made up.

Everyone's crazy.

So...

I came up with a few ways

to stop Fat Pam from leaving town.

If she can't sell her house,
she can't move, right?

Oh, this can't miss.

Number 1... remove three tires from car

- and park on lawn.
- Next.

Take in Urban Youth

or people who just seem terrorist-y.

No.

We become "The end is near" people.

You know those people, "End is near!"

I'm not gonna do that.

Two words... tampon wind chime.

Okay.

Put two hogs in yard.

Did you actually write that
on the paper?

Mm-hmm. And I put a star next to it.

Greg.

I know you think that I'm acting crazy,

but there's Evelyn, there's Pam,

and then there's me.

With Pam gone, I move up a notch.

And it's like stepping
into a really bright spotlight.

And it's making me feel
really bad about something

that I don't already feel great
about in the first place...

being fat.

Oh, sweetie.

This is the part
where you say I'm not fat.

You're not fat.

Instead of trying to scare away
all the buyers,

wouldn't it be easier to find
a larger-ish-type gal

to buy the house instead?

And there it was.

It was right in front of me
the whole time.

If it was O.J.,

it would have murdered me
in front of my own dog.

I need to find myself a ripe fatty

and get her into Fat Pam's house,

and fast.

- Okay.
- Okay.

So, we're looking
for the right kind of buyer...

someone bigger than me.

Any skinnies who seem interested,

scare 'em off.

Is it too late for tampon wind chimes?

You had your chance.

I mean, it's probably just a coincidence

that the whole family got cancer.

Right?

I come into this house
to see my dead friends.

Whoops.

We often wonder why an
arsonist would be so obsessed

with our little neighborhood.

Oh, my God. It's Two Fitbits.

Who?

That woman over there
wearing two Fitbits.

Why would anyone need
to wear two Fitbits?

I know!

This is why I tolerate
the look of your feet!

Well, just go over there and
convince her not to buy this house.

It's no use.

There hasn't been

a single tubby person
in this place all afternoon.

I might as well accept it...

I'm going to be Vice Fattest.

We should go.

Why, hello there.

She seemed to really love that house.

And she's bigger than me, right?

Yeah, there's no getting
around her on the sidewalk.

Anna-Kat, honey,

you know we're super proud
of you, right?

For doing what,
holding hands during germ tag?

Yes. No.

Not germ tag.

We're proud of you
for trying something new.

Thanks, Mommy.

Is that one of those
green healthy drinks?

Yeah.

I will not have that in this house.

Dad, I'll leave you to handle this.

Could I talk to you for a minute?

- Okay.
- Yeah, please.

- All right.
- Okay.

So, you're acting crazy.

You know who drinks those green drinks?

All those horrible women in this town.

I will not have my daughter
become one of them...

40-year-olds who are trying
to look like teenagers.

But Taylor is a teenager.

I will not have my teenage daughter

acting like a 40-year-old
trying to act like a teenager.

Mnh-mnh.

Okay, I'm just gonna
relocate these, okay?

You know we have a step stool.

Yeah.

Huh.

Oliver's teacher just e-mailed.

Apparently, today,
he brought in a single can

of expired cat food for the poor.

How do you think we should handle...

Oliver!

Hey, Mom.

Hey, that's my money!

You just lost it all, my friend.

I am giving it
to a charity of my choosing.

Mom! That's for my Roth IRA!

Your wha...

I will not have you be one of these

money-obsessed brats in this town.

You are not getting this back
until you do something good

for someone other than yourself.

I worked hard to save that money.

This is straight-up communism.

You're right.

It is communism, and I'm...

Who was worse, Lenin or Stalin?

Pretty sure Stalin killed
the most people.

I'm Stalin.

I think I'm sick, Mama.

You know how lots of times
you think you're sick,

but you're not really sick?

Mm-hmm.

Do you think maybe this
is one of those times?

She says she never wants to
touch anyone's hand ever again.

She thinks she got sick
from partner tag.

Where would she get such a crazy idea?

A science textbook? A doctor?

I knew it.

What?

She gets this from you.

I'm straight-up mentally healthy
in the germ department.

Remember that time
that cat licked your leg

and you actually screamed?

It had very red lips.

Okay.

Well, this is your mess.

And unless you want our daughter

to never touch another human ever again,

you need to get in there and fix it.

Hi.

Okay. Here it is in a nutshell.

Friends are more important than germs.

- What do you mean, "in a nutshell"?
- Forget I said "nutshell."

Friends are more important than germs.

Friends are more important than germs?

That's right.

And someday, you're gonna have
a gazillion friends

'cause you are what we call an original.

Just remember to always wash your hands.

And never pee at a state fair.

Greg!

Friends are more important than germs.

Thanks, Daddy.

Hey!

You convinced me.

We've put in our offer
well above the asking price.

I had to outbid

some chicken-legged lady in yoga pants.

I love you!

You have no idea how happy I am!

I am so glad you talked us
into Westport.

I had to. I couldn't let you go.

Well, we were a little hesitant
to move here, to be honest.

- Because of all the rich blacks.
- What's that, now?

There are a lot of them, right?

And gays "raising kids" together?

I guess we just do our best
to avoid them.

Mm.

See you around!

Was I really willing to let this happen,

to welcome this racist
homophobe to the neighborhood

just so I could feel better

about myself and my well-nourished body?

Could I do such a thing

just to keep from becoming

the second-fattest housewife
in Westport?

Gail!

Welcome to Westport!

Apparently, I could.

_

- Madame.
- Norman!

Honey, look who's at the door!

I like your sweater.

Oh.

Do you know when you'll be done with it?

Hey, Norman.

Hi.

Hello, little lady.

Friends are more important than germs.

Would you like to be my friend?

I would be honored to be your friend.

I have a friend!

That's wonderful.

Hey. Hey. Come on. Come on.

Come on, sweetie.

Let's go wash that hand.

Sorry for the intrusion.

Oliver said I could find him here.

Uh, it's okay, Mom. I've got this.

Hi, Norm.

Oh, no.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay.

I finished the yardwork.

No breaks except for
a couple bathroom emergencies

and double-time,
just like you suggested.

The Wilsons and the Gordons
want me back next week!

We're in business!

Here's your cut.

Bye.

I told you to do something good
for someone else.

I did something great for someone else.

I taught a man to fish.

Did you see the light in his eyes?

You took money from a homeless person.

Hey, I lined up the jobs for him,

so I got something for my trouble.

It's a little thing called capitalism.

Seriously, Oliver?

You are acting like a pimp
in a Lifetime movie.

I don't know what to do
with you anymore.

How about nothing?

If I thought I might
be a girl on the inside,

you'd let me wear a skirt to school.

This is no different.

I should be allowed to be who I am.

No.

Well, you're not being who you are.

Excuse me?

Anna-Kat told me about scaring away

the thin ladies at the open house.

Very poor example you're setting, Mom.

Damn it. He's right.

When did I start caring
about what other people think?

I practically invented
food shopping in pajamas.

I'm not gonna let this town
change me or my kid.

You are going to donate 20%
of that money to the Food Bank.

- 5%.
- 15%.

- 6%.
- 80%.

10%?

Deal.

I need to fix the mess I made next door

no matter what it takes.

But how do you get a racist homophobe

to fall out of escrow?

Hi, Gail.

Hi, neighbor.

I would like for you to meet
Angela, my wife and lover.

I've heard so much about you.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Mom! Front door for you!

Mother of balls, it's Two Fitbits.

Mom, this is our new neighbor, Viv.

Oh, I love your earrings.

Oh, thanks.

- Mom, don't you like them?
- No, I don't.

So, you bought
the house across the street.

Turns out the first buyer got cold feet.

Hmm.

Your house is so cozy.

Thank you.

Adorable, really.

Yeah, I know.

- It is.
- Thank you.

And I'm gonna love
getting my hands on you.

Excuse me?

I used to be a big girl.

- I can totally help you.
- Mm.

We can go walk-jogging together.

You walk and then you run

and then you walk and then you run.

And then you just run.

Yeah, not one part of that
is going to happen.

I love it.

I love you.

You're so real.

And there it was again...

the damning Westport "You're so real."

Oh, you're like a little cherub.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

Oh!

Ooh!

Hey!

I'm gonna buy you a Fitbit.

And the truth is, Two Fitbits was right.

I am real,
and I need to keep my kids real

if I'm going to raise them in this town.

I'm not giving up like Fat Pam,
so watch out, skinnies.

I'm officially

the second-fattest housewife
in Westport.

I'm not thrilled about it,
but I'm owning it.

Oh, and also...

I'm eating this.

So, all I have to do

is keep Taylor in bulky sweaters
for a few years

and then try to slap
some sense into Oliver.

You look good.

Mnh-mnh.

All right.

I was talking

about the challenges with our children.

Our kids are fine.

You were saying?

What? You never wanted to take
everything red out of your room?