Original subtitles

Mrs Christie.

You look like my mum. You shaved your moustache.

Yeah. Distinguishable feature.

You look like Mrs Danvers.

That's not a good thing. She's the housekeeper. I know she is.

Is everything ready? Tied up like a Nazi in a brothel.

That's... not very reassuring.

Plans haven't changed since the last time we spoke,

just as they hadn't changed the time before that. Relax.

The death of Poirot won't be in vain.

New man?

Not so new. Faithful?

Not so faithful.

He knows which side his bread's buttered.

You've grown up.

Yes. I like it.

So do I.

What about you? Is the war good for business?

HE SIGHS Terrible. Market's flooded with amateurs.

Well, we all make sacrifices. Not all of us can sacrifice a few words

for �20,000.55,000.

You said 20. Words. Words.

Oh. Well, it's still a healthy commission.

And with the Inland Revenue stalking me, I need every penny.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

Not really, but I don't have a choice.

I'm almost bankrupt.

Those people are most likely criminals.

Well, that's why I've got you. Fine.

But if I have to kill anyone, I want danger money and my ten percent.

Unless they're Canadian.

Thank you.

Mr Lei would be grateful if you could make every endeavour

to look your best whilst representing him.

Hm.

Not really. Would you like to hear my opinion on Americans?

Is there any nationality you do tolerate?

The Russians. You know where you stand with the Russians.

They tell you before they stab you in the back.

The Americans will stab you in the back, watch you bleed out,

and then offer to sell you a funeral plan. You haven't changed.

That's cos I was already perfect.

Besides, you can't trust people who do.

Five minutes ago, you said you liked it.

When we first met, you spent most of the time lying.

Seems to rne you've stopped pretending to be someone you're not. That isn't really change.

Am I really that transparent? I won't tell anyone.

They might take advantage of it.

I'd like to see them try.

Mr Lei wishes to know,

what do you do when you're not protecting people?

Hm.

He says...

Mrs Christie, it is a pleasure to meet you.

I have read every one of your books

and believe you to be the finest author of detective novels in the world.

Oh. That's very kind of you.

But I'm old enough and modest enough to know that Conan Doyle is better.

Conan Doyle?

If anyone is Chungking Mansions

is found reading Sherlock Holmes, they're soon looking for a new home.

I'm very happy to know that my hard work will be in the hands of someone who appreciates it.

Have you got the money?

In our culture, these proceedings have certain... formalities.

Well, in our culture, you have to pay before you see the bearded woman.

Mr Lei has �20,000 in his coat pocket.

Mr Vella is here to ensure it remains there until we have the manuscript.

Sounds reasonable. And the deed.

I'll sign it when I have the money.

And then the manuscript will be legally yours

and you can do whatever you want with it.

Agreed.

Let's seal this with a drink! A soft one.

You don't drink? No.

Since when. Since forever.

Ah. HE WHISTLES Oi! Four zombies and a soda water.

Assuming your wop likes to stay sharp.

Oh, you speak English. You drink?

HE LAUGHS All right, well, I don't know what a zombie is.

You wanna see the cocktail menu?

You're the first American I've met who doesn't know how to make a zombie.

How about I make the drinks and you pay for them?

Perhaps now you'd like to hear about our air raid procedures.

You need to pull yourself together.

Do you know how many times I've heard that siren? 96.

Can you guess how many times I've been blown up?

I'm enjoying a civilised drink in an uncivilised place.

I couldn't care less if Hitler was attacking on a fucking unicorn.

Chin-chin.

Is it possible it's a false alarm?

Attacks this far out are unusual.

Erm, we have a, er, shelter in the ballroom. It's pretty strong.

Well, it's just through there,

along with the second largest gramophone in London.

You wanna see?

It is against fire regulations

to let the public go down there.

How about if we're on fire?

It's behind the bar, down the stairs.

You take me to all the best places, darling.

Or what?

You may be invincible, darling, but I'm not.

Come on.

Evening, ladies.

What are nice girls like you doing in a place like this?

Sightseeing.

It's a cheap time to visit London.

Yes?

What happens if we take it?

I kill you.

How? By mangling the English language?

You're supposed to be protecting me, not starting a fight.

Now we know what we're up against.

How much for this '93 decant?

We can't afford to let this interfere with our plans.

You really do need the money, don't you? Yes.

Well, we'd better get a move on.

Our man's a little nervous.

Don't worry. It's not as if...

Aren't they rather a long way off?

How do you know?

Did you see any markers?

Something to suggest that we're a target.

Flares or fires?

Anything that could be a guide to the German bombers?

Then hopefully Goering will leave us alone.

And if he doesn't, we're safe here.

Think of all those poor people up...

Your new man?

Max.

No.

Here's hoping you change your mind.

Max will be fine. I've seen your house.

It could take a direct hit, I'd still struggle to break in.

Also, think about it.

They've dropped hundreds of thousands of bombs and, what, killed ten people.

Chances of Max going for a Burton are about the same as me going straight.

? Goering has only got one ball

? Hitler has plums so very small

? Himmler's so fucking similar

? And poor old Goebbels has no balls at all

? Hitler has only got one ball

? She threw it into the apple tree

? It fell off into the deep blue sea

? The fishes took out their dishes

? And had scallops and bollock for tea ?

Thank you.

Right, let's sell this bloody thing and go home.

Frankie!

Maybe now is not the best time.

You just need to be tactful.

Maybe I'll be tactful whilst you guard the manuscript.

It's not going anywhere.

Of course. But maybe I should... Trust me?

Ah!

Would you mind opening this door?

Now!

Enter this room, I carve my name on your balls.

Eli Sciacchitano.

OK, there is a policewoman over there.

Until next time.

Thank you.

Just give him a moment.

I need to show you something.

Could you tell Mr Lei I'll be back shortly?

Yes, of course.

I took my eyes off it for 30 seconds.

That's my future. I thought Mussolini was about to stab you.

She left the oven on. Did you see anyone near my bag?

Something's missing? Our privacy.

Since when did you start trusting strangers with our business? I trusted you!

I was making sure you didn't get perforated. I wasn't in any danger! If you die, I don't get paid.

If I don't sell the manuscript, nobody gets paid.

You do realise that ten percent of nothing is nothing?

I'm aware.

At least we'll have this.

It's stolen property. Mm.

Or unfinished business.

It can't have been taken on purpose.

No-one knows.

Should we leave?

That's not like you. I wasn't expecting trouble.

I might have... exaggerated my skills as a bodyguard.

I might have downplayed the importance of this deal.

If I'd have known, I would've asked for more money. SHE LAUGHS

I can't believe I'm laughing.

What do we do now? We find out who has the manuscript and take it back.

It could be anyone. Frankie might have paid someone to steal it.

Store room. Over there.

Where do we start?

By breaking your golden rule?

Never rub another man's rhubarb?

Your other one.

Concerning the police.

And keeping one's mouth shut.

And I always thought no-one ever listened to me.

Excuse me.

My name is...

I need to report a theft. Yes.

Something important was stolen out of my bag a few minutes ago.

A manuscript.

Are you looking for something? Perhaps I can help. I'm good at finding things.

It's been stolen.

There's a reward.

So it's your job to investigate a crime.

When?

When everyone's left?

Doing what?

I'll make a deal with you.

All you have to do is stop people from leaving.

Stop them from leaving even if they choose to ignore it.

And what?

I thought you were a police officer.

I won't write a bestselling series of novels about an idiotic PC called O'Hanauer?

I can do that.

What happened? She'll stop people from leaving.

What now?

We find out if Frankie's behind all this.

There's something funny about those two.

You noticed.

Can't put my finger on it. They're lying.

Everyone's lying.

Mrs Christie, he is most happy to see you.

My manuscript has been stolen.

Oh, sorry, where are my manners?

Oh, no, thank you.

Could you tell Mr Lei that whoever took the manuscript is still here.

We need to find out who so we can conclude our business and go home.

Erm, we should... ask Rocco

what he thinks would be the best way to find the person responsible.

You do?

Erm... Mr Lei is not feeling well.

Can we do anything? No, I'll stay with him.

I think he feels better in this room.

It makes him feel... Safe. Yes.

She doesn't look like she has anything good to steal.

I'm about to win a particularly good bottle of Taylor's.

So would you mind fucking off?

It's sir, actually.

Bel insulto.

No!

Are you all right?

Do something!

What?

HE GROANS Where in God's name did you learn that?

Get off him and help me get him on his front.

Move!

When you've finished stuffing the Christmas turkey, I think you'll find he's dead. Dead?

Much like that servant. Grace has spent the last few minutes trying to talk him back to life.

Frankie!

Keep going!

He's dead.

Have some respect!

It was self-defence.

We can't just leave him here. No!

Frankie! Oh, Frankie!

How could Frankie just die?

He never had any... any heart problems before?

No. He was... easily excitable, but...

no, he was in good health.

I need to ask you something.

What?

Where's the money? The money?

It's in his pocket.

You think someone did this? Shh.

It's possible we're being targeted.

But the only people that knew about it were you.

We have to check if Frankie still has the money.

That's easier said than done.

Second thoughts, leave that with me.

HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS Got a way for you to atone for your sins.

Just promise you'll try not to kill anyone else.

Go talk to the policewoman.

Trust me. I'm gonna get you in that room.

Hey, my ltalian's not up to much, but Rocco tells me

you're a stronzo?

I think that means you're a fucker, but I'm not really sure.

I think two deaths in one night is enough.

Do you hear this? You hear what this murdering pig is calling me?

So if I am a stronzo... ..you are coward!

The money's gone. And I think he was poisoned.

I assume whoever did it has the manuscript. And needs the deed.

My instinct says we can trust jun, Rocco, Audrey and Nell.

But my instinct when it comes to trust is hugely wrong.

How can we trust jun and Rocco? They're the only ones that knew about the money.

We should set a trap. Use the deed to draw out whoever it is.

And risk losing that, as well?

How about I tell everyone I've heard the all clear and see who makes a run for it?

I imagine they all will. Do you have a better plan?

Yes.

To not catch the killer.

Do nothing? Not nothing.

We find the manuscript and go home.

We give up?

No, not give up.

We live to fight another day. Sounds a lot like giving up.

Oh, well, in for a penny, in for a pound.

You realise I have neither? Then I'll take it on tick.

Well, you'll be joining a long queue. I know where you live.

So... all we have to do is get the killer to give you back the manuscript for no reason.

Let me guess. You're gonna tell everyone who you are and ask politely.

My name is Agatha Christie.

I'm a novelist.

Someone here has stolen something very important to me.

Please may I have it back.

You're Agatha Christie?

What's been stolen? Clearly not a sense of humour.

If she's Agatha Christie, I'm the Emperor of Japan.

I told you she looked familiar.

Bollocks.

What on earth would Agatha Christie be doing here?

I don't want your help, I just want my manuscript back.

Without... the deed...

you can't sell it. It's worthless.

What's it about?

Your missing novel.

Someone who thinks they can get away with murder.

And it isn't missing. It's been stolen.

By one of you.

What's the reward?

If I find it? The reward... is not going to prison.

A grand.

�1,000.

That's what I said.

Is that right, Miss Christie?

How do I know you have �1,000?

Her books sell like prophylactics in a whore house.

She's richer than the Queen.

Well, that worked.

I was hoping to reason with them.

Not start a wild goose chase. Better than nothing.

And what if somebody actually finds it?

Where am I going to get �1,000?

Hm.

Didn't think of that.

Tell you what, if I find it, you can add it to my tab.

Bollocks.

Something wrong?

It seems that telepathic ability declines with age.

Like most things. Everything but one's sex life.

Three of hearts.

That's very unfortunate.

Did you call the barman a deserter?

Why else would a Canadian be here?

I thought he was American. Only people with an acute sense of hearing can tell the difference.

Did you know that Canada isn't actually a country?

This is not it!

Gentlemen!

As I was trying to say to Mr Stabby here,

this is sheet music

for a number called... ooh, Tell The Gardener I Am Ready To Be Watered.

Can I keep this? It's a show I'd like to see.

Jack of hearts.

I'm so sorry, what were you saying?

What right do you have to search our personal possessions?

It doesn't work like that.

Do you like both your arms?

I don't have a bag. What are you going to do?

See if I've stuffed it down my knickers?

Maybe cos all the good ones are off fighting Germans. I think this situation is getting out of control.

Could I make a suggestion?

That you only search items large enough to contain my manuscript.

Hm?

Yes!

It's all here. Do you think I would be so stupid as to do that?

You are being made a fool of.

I'm happy you found it. But how do I know you haven't stolen the money?

That you haven't set this whole thing up?

I'm very sorry about Frankie. But...

there's no proof it was murder. Ha!

Perhaps all this was a coincidence.

What, so somebody just chanced on the �20,000 in Frankie's pocket?

I have to go home to my husband.

We're leaving.

A heart attack and an accident are not reasons to keep me here.

If I want to risk getting blown up, I will. We're leaving!

What are you gonna do? Shoot me?

Did you hear about the grenadier who lost the left side of his body in an explosion?

He's all right now.

That's very good.

My nephew...

has killed 37 German pilots.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

That's pretty good, isn't it?

Will you at least go and find out if the air raid's over?

We haven't heard anything for a while.

We'd all like to leave.

It could be dangerous up there. If you don't want to go, I will.

I'll go with you. It'll be quicker with two.

Maltese Falcon can be left in charge.

I know. Mm.

Absolutely not.

I thought she was going to shoot you.

Oh, she was just trying to scare me.

Have you ever had a gun pointed at you before?

Not with intent. Hm.

Take it from me, your friend's joke just saved your life.

Well, at least you got your manuscript back.

While we wait...

why not tell us the story?

It's not.

This one isn't.

Why bother writing it, then? The Americans stopped paying royalties

and the Revenue think I'm a thief. I need the money.

Huh.

I did a children's party once.

A seven-year-old rode me like a donkey into the swimming pool.

You see, Grace? Bastard.

You must care a little bit.

You could've written about something else.

That would sell like hot cakes.

And remind everyone about our present horrors.

I finished one of those last year. It hasn't been published.

They're worried it won't sell. Why not test it on us?

I don't test my novels.

A spy story makes sense.

You must meet all sorts of interesting people.

You must know all sorts of secrets.

The only secret I know is how to sell a million books and not have any money.

Almost makes me wanna tell the conscription board my real age.

Would anyone like to play yet more cards?

Yes, please.

How about a game of sharp? Mm.

Couldn't we just make a dash for it?

Even if we escape the mad PC, it's like an lrishman's wedding up there.

Thank you. For what?

I'm told you just saved my life. Yeah. Gotta protect my investment.

At this rate, you won't get much of a return.

You ever failed to get what you want?

I'm quite persistent. Which is why I'm confident.

You'll get your 20 grand, I'll get my commission.

We met for a few clays 14 years ago.

I don't know anything about you.

My story's different. It's a potboiler.

I do what I have to to survive.

I've written a few potboilers.

Do you know what defines them?

They always make money.

They never let you down. Yeah, don't speak too soon.

Don't worry. It's the Italian.

The only people he can kill are already dead.

It isn't Eli. It must be. He had the manuscript.

When was the last time you met someone

who could write better English than they spoke?

Oh.

Please don't lose it again.

What are you doing?

Does it occur to you that perfect spelling and grammar might not be his strong point?

She's smarter than us.

If it is, Eli didn't steal the manuscript

and the murderer is free to kill again.

You said sleeping. You said Eli was sleeping it off.

Eli?

Ohh!

Oh, my...

When you said you were gonna go and check on the prisoner,

did you mean the kind of check that might spot he looked like King Harold?

His head's been used as a pin cushion.

We should tell the others.

You're going to go back out there

and tell everyone what's happened.

Once everybody's aware of the situation, we'll wait for the all clear to sound.

At that point, you will go and get help.

They're my words!

I won't give them up to a murderer.

Go check for clues or something.

Piss off over there!

As much as I hate to admit it, she might be right.

We could hand it over and go home.

I can't give him up for nothing!

Poirot? Perhaps you're more attached to him than you admit. I'm not!

I just have to get paid. He owes me. He's not real!

Is there anyone in your life who's been around 20 years and not fucked you over?

Come back.

Time to start pretending you're in charge.

Don't think you'll find it too hard.

Why?

I wish to be on my own. I will not leave Miss Yuhan.

You'll want to hear this. Rummy.

You've got four kings? Mm.

Where did you get these cards? An Italian bugger.

It's a miracle I won anything.

Are we finally being allowed to leave?

Please don't tell me you've allowed him to escape.

I was looking forward to this mystery playing out, but given the change of circumstances...

we're leaving.

I've killed five people,

three of them on purpose.

My current duties allow me to shoot first and ask questions never.

Would you mind if I came with you? More the merrier.

Us, too. As the French might say as they lay down their arms, fait accompli.

You some sort of war hero? I've had my moments.

You're not a man that scares easy. Some people are born without sexual organs. I was born without fear.

So you wouldn't think twice about hunting down the person that's caused us all this trouble.

You can't hunt a ghost. That's just what I was thinking.

Anyone here believe in ghosts?

I once saw the head of a Japanese woman floating towards me.

I was on the loo and...

Well... two people have been murdered.

No-one's seen anything.

So it must be a ghost.

There's someone else here. Of course.

That does explain everything.

Maybe. It's all rather frightening.

What are we going to do? Well, we've got two guns

and a couple of killers.

Seems to me we should find the bastard and return the lady's money.

We'll search room by room.

I will come with you.

I need your help. I'll look after her.

Given I'm the brains in this operation, I should stay behind the front lines.

Besides, someone needs to be here in case our uninvited guest makes a run for it.

I'm sure you know how to use this.

If you don't go, I will.

We'll start over there. Why don't you accompany your gun?

Scared?

Don't worry, I'll keep you safe.

I'm coming. Me, too.

Stop. We need something to protect ourselves.

That's for you.

And for you.

And... yes.

Mrs Christie.

I think this one's yours.

Oh! Thank you, my dear, but I'd likely hurt myself.

Very well.

OK.

No-one... make a sound.

And now we have the psychological advantage.

Give me your gun.

I always save the last one for myself. Come on, hurry up, give it to me.

Try not to die like a dog!

We could always set fire to the furniture and smoke him out. Or maybe he isn't here?

He must be on the other side.

We should go. Yes, yes, the others might well be worried about us.

Oh, God.

He's alive.

Trying to help you. Give me the gun.

Who are you going to shoot? You if you do not give me the gun.

Revenge is a dish best served by professionals. Give me the gun or I'll snap your neck!

Don't you think it's time you intervened?

All I care about is that no-one else gets hurt.

I know you're investigating me.

I'll do anything you want, just help us!

What are you suggesting? Someone has to stop this madness!

And then I can do what the killer wants,

deliver the deed and the manuscript. About bloody time. I nearly died for 20 grand.

Who in God's name are you?

Someone who knows the palace relies on you for their evacuation plans

and will take a dim view of your extra-curricular activities.

We're being bombed, not invaded.

Let's hope King George feels like that

and that the Germans haven't landed at Ramsgate.

Bertie's probably loaded for bears and listening to jelly Roll Morton.

Because if you don't, you'll spend the rest of the war making furniture in an internment camp.

Are you all right?

Have I died and gone to heaven?

No!

St Peter has standards.

No, don't move. No, I have to...

I challenged her to a game of snap and then... my world went dark.

I'm sorry, I...

I don't remember anything.

You didn't kill anyone.

Or murder anyone.

He bloody well isn't. We'll make sure of that.

Before I deliver the manuscript, will you check it's safe up there?

I don't want to complicate things by getting blown up.

Yes. But also keen not to make any further mistakes.

Did you tell PC O'Hanauer how much Frankie was paying for our manuscript?

Of course I didn't. I don't thinkjun would've said anything, or Rocco.

You don't think...

Well, I don't know. She doesn't come across as a master criminal.

What are we gonna do?

Tell the tax inspectors. Tax inspectors my arse!

Well, whoever does the Revenue's dirty work.

Either way, they're the closest thing we have to authority. Unless they're trying to blackmail you.

I trust them. What were you saying about your trust issues?

Well, we have to trust someone. Yes. Each other.

It's time for you to do what you suggested.

Give up the manuscript and the deed.

Once we're out of here, someone else can catch the killer and get it back.

Is the air raid over?

Didn't you hear anything?

You certainly can't trust her. I know.

I've got a plan.

I'm coming with you. Ohh.

Or not.

I'll come, too.

Good. Cos it's not your decision.

Well, in God's name, find out if we can leave.

Please.

It must be over.

Is something wrong?

Checking nothing's on fire.

Why not?

What part of our previous conversation do you not understand?

Stop what?

It's here.

I intend to.

You haven't thought this through.

That's the problem. If you shoot me, I can't sign it.

Which is also not a great idea.

If you shoot her, we don't have a witness.

My signature has to be witnessed.

How so? With correct legal process?

I know.

So you keep saying.

But it wouldn't make any sense.

Thought I'd missed.

Are we safe? Yes.

Oh.

Did you... She...

I told you it was her.

The air raid? It's over.

So we can leave.

Then you owe me 50 quid and a gun.

You got change of 1,000?

I'm assuming you're good for it.

He gave me 2-1 on dying.

You bet against yourself?

It was the best way of making sure it didn't happen.

You can send it to my barracks.

Those two know the address.

No-one's going to believe me.

Come on, darling. Ad usum Delphini.

Wonderful meeting you all.

Huge fan.

Toodle-loo.

God, he is such a wanker.

I quite like him. So what now?

How much trouble am I in?

Bletchley?

You do?

I thought you were glorified tax inspectors.

You're spies?

And you think that...

I'm in possession of state secrets?

No! No! Good Lord!

No, I have... I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.

Can you take away my debt, placate the IRS and the Inland Revenue,

then force the Americans to start paying my royalties again?

All I'm trying to do is earn a living.

Whatever you think I've done, I haven't.

Everything that I've ever written is just a figment of my imagination.

Yes, it's a curse.

Oh, well... can I do anything to help?

Aren't you forgetting something?

Hm?

The �20,000 in your pocket?

Caught red-handed.

Can I?

Be my guest.

Wiping gore off another man's face doesn't break any wedding vows, you know?

Thank you.

You saved my life.

Again.

I'm going to do something in return.

If I'm not mistaken, Rocco's still downstairs.

Yeah, er... I think he's taken it badly.

See if you can persuade him up here.

We need a witness.

For the deed.

Once you've sold the manuscript, you can give me a commission.

Erm... I don't know what to say.

Thank you?

Thank you.

Go on. Just hurry up.

Our two spies won't be happy if we're still here when the police arrive.

And take that off.

Rocco won't want to be reminded.

Rocco?

Rocco?

Looking for you.

What are you doing?

Oh.

It was that PC all along.

Yeah.

Body's upstairs.

But we need to leave before the real police arrive.

That's a terrible idea.

God knows what you'll be blamed for.

What about the money? Well, your money.

Frankie's money.

Well, someone needs to see it goes to the right person.

Maybe jun has a daughter.

Sign on the line, address and name underneath.

Thank you.

You're not having my bag.

Just like that?

Not quite.

You were right.

I've changed my mind.

Hold that thought. What are you doing?

Well, if you're gonna start drinking, it'd be a crime to open your account with that.

See if you can find some soda water.

Will this do?

Hm.

It won't kill you. It might!

We all end up dead.

It's just a question of how and why.

And whether we are drunk at the time.

Cheers.

Ohh.

On second thoughts, I... I can't break the habit of a lifetime.

No, go on, come on.

Sorry.

I can't change your mind?

You know how stubborn I am.

Ain't that the truth?

I understand the money and the manuscript.

Why do you want to kill me?

Did I do something all those years ago?

Too clever for your own good. Is that the point?

You want to punish me?

You think too much.

What's more valuable than the last ever Poirot novel?

It's your last ever book.

Was it the fingerprint?

I decided last minute to write you that message.

Before you gave the envelope to PC O'Hanauer.

She really is a copper, you know?

I wondered.

Nicked me for looting, but... easily corruptible.

Well, she must have trusted you. Mm.

She loved me.

People are stupid.

Up to a point.

Once I'd acknowledged the awful possibility that you'd planned the whole thing...

the truth was quick to unravel.

Even then, I wanted you to come up those stairs...

What have you done? Ohh. ..and prove me wrong.

Two pockets, two flasks.

I just swapped them. Agh. After you poisoned Frankie,

you made a show of offering us a drink.

Like the writing in the blood, you wanted to be clever.

You over-thought it.

Your insecurities undid you.

Like all of us.

I'm sorry.

I don't believe you.

I don't know what I was thinking.

How could I kill the only thing in life I can truly rely upon?