All language subtitles for altmaarniegoewerehe2

sync & correction by f1nc0
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This kills me.
"Sasquatch stole my phone"?

What's Bigfoot going to do
with a phone?

- Go on Tinder?
- He can't go on Tinder.

His profile picture
would be too blurry.

How can anyone be stupid
enough to believe in Sasquatch?

I mean, what kind
of bonehead would...

Oh yeah, right, I forgot.
You believe.

Well, I wouldn't say
I "believe" believe.

I'm just open-minded
to the possibility

of a huge, hairy,
primordial primate

strolling through the
countryside undetected.

I'm sorry,
but I won't be getting on board

- until there's some proof.
- Oh, sure, but you believe in gravity.

- Pardon?
- Gravity. You've never seen it.

You can't hear it,
you can't feel it.

If I pushed you off a roof,
you'd feel it.

You can't smell it.
At least you can smell a Sasquatch.

It's like a diarrhetic skunk,
according to eyewitnesses.

- And nose-witnesses.
- How about unicorns?

I hear they smell like lavender
and fresh muffins.

You believe in them too?

You're thinking
about which one would win

- in a fight, aren't you?
- It's too close to call.

♪ You'd think there's not
a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer baby,
you're so wrong ♪

1x02 - Sasquatch Your Language

...and then, just when
you think Prince Hadduron

is going to sign
the declaration of peace,

he spins around and... sklop!
chops off Lord Farnax's head.

- Can you believe it?
- I can't even understand it.

I know!
What's his motivation?

No, I don't understand
the words you're saying.

I don't watch
your stupid War Monarch show.

It's not War Monarch.
It's Throne Strife,

and I can't believe
you're not into it!

- You're such an Elflock.
- Yeah, that's me in a nutshell.

Hey, Hank.
I was hoping you'd come in today.

- Really?
- I know. Sounded weird to me too.

What's up?
Oh, can't reach the top shelf?

No. Jerk.
Do you have a jigsaw?

How's a puzzle gonna
help you put milk away?

How about you just shut your
question hole and listen?

I'm planning a little something
to trick Brent,

- and I could use your help.
- O-Oh, I-I don't know.

Tricking?
That's a slippery slope.

Not tricking, exactly.
More of a hoax.

Hoax?
That's a rich man's lie.

No, it's not lying.

It's just...
It's like play-acting.

For entertainment purposes.

Well, I did do a little acting
in high school.

I was in an all-male
production of Reservoir Dogs.

I remember.
You were the waitress.

Hey, why are you guys
named after colours?

Mr. Pink, Mr. Blue...
more like "Rainbow" Dogs.

I didn't have any lines,
but I improv'd some stuff.

They were wrong to cut you.

If you start now,

you could catch up on all
the episodes in about a month.

It would mean watching 12
hours a day, but doable.

Because this conversation
isn't wasting enough of my life?

Are you guys talking
about Throne Strife?

He's talking. I'm glazing.

I love Throne Strife!
Did you see the last episode,

when Prince Hadduron
spun around and...

...chopped Farnax's head off!

- Ugh.
- Yeah! It looked just like that.

- Hi, Brent.
- Hey, do you believe in gravity?

Well, it's helpful
when it comes to pouring things,

- so I suppose I do.
- Sasquatches?

Did I black out and miss
a chunk of this conversation?

I knew it! You don't
believe in Sasquatch either.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down and start over.

- You know what it is?
- Still no.

You're from the big city, and
when you grow up in the big city,

it closes you off from anything
that isn't completely concrete.

You have a concrete mind.

And now you're insulting me
for no reason?

You're a product
of your environment.

- I forgive you.
- Well, bless you, Father.

Now, could I grab a coffee to go?
I've got to get back to the station,

because Wanda isn't around
for some reason.

Maybe she got kidnapped by
a Sasquatch. Serve her right.

You know, I don't find that
very funny at all!

Okay...

Not my best joke,
but sheesh, lighten up.

And there's the other one.
Hey, these look pretty good.

Huh? Uh-oh.
I made two left feet.

Just flip one over.

Then you'll be walking
in circles.

I'll take over from here.
You go rest your brain.

...but if Lord Zolwort
marries the Dark Duchess,

- there will have to be a treaty.
- Ooh.

I'm so glad to have someone
to talk to about this stuff.

You know, this may be
a little awkward, but...

There's a Throne Strife
cosplay convention in the city,

and you want me to go with you,
and I'd love to!

That was the opposite of awkward.

- Hey, Oscar.
- Hey yourself.

I guess with Emma
hanging out with Davis

and Davis
hanging out with Emma,

- you and I have to hang out.
- No, we don't.

Well, it beats talking
about goblins and muppets!

So... if we're going
to be hanging out...

- We're not.
- what kind of stuff are you into?

Sports? Huh?
What's your favourite team?

The Boston Bruins?

- The Winnipeg Jets?
- The Zipyer Lips.

This is going to be great!

Shh! Quit giggling.
You're going to wake Brent up.

Oh, you scared, Hank?
Scared of the 'Squatch?

Rrrrgghrrrh!

Quit freaking me out!

- Ho!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ughhh!

I could have got a jigsaw
from anyone.

Drop me off
at Oscar and Emma's,

- then pick me up in a couple hours.
- What? Why?

Emma's going to help me
with my cosplay outfit

for the Throne Strife convention.

You know we're not like volunteer
firemen. This is a real job.

Emma!
I'm going out.

- Hi, Oscar. Emma home?
- How should I know?

Hey, Oscar.
Where you headed?

I'm going down
to the corner of Shut-Up

- and Mind-Your-Own-Business.
- I'll give you a lift.

Hey, Hank.

Uh... Oh, yeah, yeah.
Uh, hey, Brent.

You okay? You look like
you maybe killed a guy

and hid his body
and then forgot where.

- I wish that's all it was.
- If something's bothering you,

- best to get it off your chest.
- Uh, well, it's just...

- Hi, Hank. Whatcha doin'?
- Nothing.

I didn't say something.
Or anything like that.

Oh, Wanda,
I'm glad you're here.

I'm dying to tell you about the
tracks I found around my house.

- What manner of tracks?
- Well, don't laugh,

but they look
like Sasquatch tracks.

- No!
- I know!

But I can't be
a hundred percent certain.

That's because they're...

Let him finish, Hank.
Why aren't you convinced?

There weren't any
discernible dermal ridges,

like fingerprints.
All the quality tracks have them.

If there were dermal ridges,

I'd be a hundred percent sure
they were authentic.

- Ugh.
- Hasn't this gone far enough?

This is slow slogging
and my hands are cramping,

but it'll be worth it once I...
Aah-ow!

- Dirty son of a...
- That hurt?

- Put your thumb down here.
- No.

- Put your head down here.
- No.

Come on.

I'm trying to get to know you
a bit better here.

You must have some
hobbies, interests...

Hobbies are stupid
and interests are boring.

Hey! Are those supposed
to be tomatoes or grapes?

Tehhh!
Pretty weak effort!

They're grape tomatoes!

But you must like something.
Movies? Books?

- Birdwatching?
- Too loud, too quiet, too nosey!

Hey!
Pick up after your stupid dog!

What the hell do you think
this is, potato salad?

Aha!
You do have a hobby, Oscar.

It's being a crotchety crank!

He wasn't picking up
his dog's dump.

It was literally in his hand
the whole time!

Your outfit
is coming along great.

Thanks.
Not sure if you can tell,

but I'm a warrior of Sheffling.

Of course I can.
Can you tell that I'm Draxella,

Queen Mother of the Lizardians?

- You totally nailed it.
- Really?

- Because I don't see any bowing.
- Sorry!

Ring kiss.

Scepter smooch.

Damn straight.

So I complain a bit.
It's good for the community.

I tell idiots they're idiots,

the idiots thereby learn
they're idiots, it's win-win!

I'm just saying,
I think you complain too much,

and you're too loud
right out of the gate.

- Too yelly. Is that a word?
- See?

See what?

You just complained
about my complaining.

Yeah, but that's...

- I-I-I'm just...
- Feels good, doesn't it?

- Hey, you staying for another?
- Ah, I don't think so.

The one bottle of red wine
they have

has been sitting open since Christmas.

Come on. I could tell you all
about the Sasquatch tracks I found.

- Really?
- Well, no, not really.

Wanda is screwing with me, so
I'm screwing with her right back.

Going to make her
jump through a few hoops

because no one screws
with the screwmaster.

Hey, what sounds better,
"screwmaster" or "screwmeister"?

I wouldn't Google either of them,

but listen, are you totally
sure those footprints are fakes?

Yeah.
That's an odd question.

I just...
Oh, I'm sorry I got upset earlier.

I didn't want to say anything

because I was afraid
you'd make fun of me...

I've never told anyone this before,

but a long time ago, like,
years and years ago, I...

saw a Sasquatch.

Oh, my god,
they killed Lord Farnax!

Emma!
We're out of jam!

- There's marmalade.
- Aah! Holy hell.

Did you spend the night?
In our kitchen?

No. Got here early
to finish up our outfits.

Emma's faith gown
is really on point,

but the jewels of Jalagra
won't stay on my battle cup.

"Joodles, jebagas"...
speak English!

There's no English
in the forest of Mellador.

And there's no me
in this conversation.

Hi, Oscar.

And here's Officer Flapgum,
on top of it.

- On top of what?
- Your big, dumb,

fully grown adult partner
is in my kitchen, sewing

Halloween costumes so he can
pretend he's on some show.

The old shows were better...

Milton Burlesque,
The Honeydrippers,

Make Room For Beaver...
Not this weirdo crap

that Emma and Davis are on about.

Davis doesn't go on about it.

He goes on and on and on
about it.

- They should call it Drone Strife.
- Heh!

Hey, you're pretty good
at complaining.

- I am?
- Yeah. You got the gift of the grouse.

What else don't you like
about that stupid show?

Well,
I hate how Davis mocks me

for not knowing the magic words
to some wizard's spell.

- There ya go...
- Meanwhile, if we ever have to fill out

some form, he's like,
"Karen, what's my phone number?"

That's good stuff.

- Let's go share your gift around town.
- My gift?

You can't say
"I saw a Sasquatch"

and then just leave it at that,

like you said
"I own several spoons".

- Spoons?
- See? Now you need to know more.

Okay, fine.

Don't go spreading this around,
but yes...

I saw a Sasquatch as a teen.

- How do you know it was a teen?
- Because it had acne.

It wasn't a teen, you goof.
I was!

It happened back in summer camp.

I was maybe 12 or 13 years old.

It was late at night.
I had to pee really bad,

but it was dark and creepy in the woods,

- and the outhouse was so far away.
- Don't tell me you left the tent.

- I crawled out of the tent...
- Oh, my god.

and headed
for some bushes nearby.

I was just about to drop my PJs,
when I saw a silhouette.

It was huge and upright,

with glowing yellow eyes.

It glared at me,
made some low guttural sound,

and then slowly walked away...

walked, on two legs,
into the woods.

I didn't even finish my business,

I just pulled up my PJs
and ran back to camp.

I would have finished my
business the second I saw it,

- pants or no pants.
- Don't joke. It really freaked me out.

It still bothers me to this day.

What?

It's just... I mean, it's a
compelling story, for sure...

Story?
You don't believe me?!

I'm just wary that you might
be screwing with me here.

Oh, you hypocrite!
You get all worked up

because Wanda
won't believe this stuff,

but you won't believe me?

But, you see, that's
exactly how you'd play this

if you were screwing with me.

I can't keep up these
late-night shenanigans.

- I'm exhausted.
- So am I.

But why are you even up?
I have to be here for work.

You have no job,
no responsibilities,

- no hope, no future...
- I can't sleep.

I'm too stressed
about this web of lies.

Web? It's one thing.

I can't take it.
My stomach's a web of knots.

Have you ever seen a web?

I have to tell Brent
about our Sasquatch hoax.

- You keep your yap shut!
- Yeah? Or what?

Or... I'll tell Brent about
how you've been hoaxing him

- with this Sasquatch stuff.
- What? No!

No, don't tell!
I'll play ball.

Oh, you guys!
You will never believe this!

You shouldn't either...
Ow!

Do go on.

I saw fresh tracks this morning.
And guess what?

Loaded with dermal ridges!

The deepest dermaliest ridges
anyone's ever seen.

Ha!
Well, I guess that cinches it.

- Yep. Almost.
- Almost?

Well, it's spring, right?

That's mating season
for the Sasquatch,

so naturally anyone would expect
to hear some mating songs,

long, howling mating songs,

between and 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
Then I'd know for sure!

This is a web!

Huh?

Hey, Won. When are you
going to get some bananas

that aren't 70% black spots?

These look like a Dalmatian
with jaundice.

- Am I right, Karen?
- Uh, yeah!

And those apples look like
they belong in a seniors centre.

They're old...
and wrinkled...

- kind of sad.
- They're mangoes.

- Oh.
- Yeah, well, her point still stands!

Get some fresh stuff or I'll
never buy fruit here again!

Good.
Enjoy your scurvy!

I suppose we could have
changed into our outfits

- once we got there.
- Sure, we could go halfway

and look like
totally uncommitted newbies.

- Is that what you want, Emma?
- No.

- Is that what you want?!
- Settle down.

Sorry.
To the darkened forests of Mellador!

- Seriously.
- Sorry.

I kind of blew it
back at the fruit stand.

Complaining is like a muscle...
it's weak at first,

but if you keep exercising,
it gets big and strong,

and pretty soon you're kicking
sand in people's faces at the beach.

Dude!
What the hell?

I can hear
that god-awful rap-hop

spilling out of your head
even with these earplugs in!

- It's Hall and Oates.
- I don't care what you're haulin'.

You're going to get yourself killed

riding around with your
ears plugged in traffic.

Traffic?

Just because
there aren't any vehicles

doesn't mean there isn't any traffic.

Uh, that's exactly what that means.

Kid's right.
That made no sense.

Ah!
Stop doing that!

Just here for a coffee.
That's all.

So anyway, on another topic,

when you saw your Sasquatch,

were you surprised
at how flat his head was?

- Pretty flat head, right?
- Mm, not really.

Actually, his head
sort of rose up into a cone.

Yes!
It's called a sagittal crest.

But how did you know that?

Wait, are you just trying
to trip me up

- because you don't believe me?
- No. No, no.

I'm just... I'm making
casual conversation

about what you think

your creature's arm-to-torso
ratio might be, that's all.

I kept that a secret for so long

because I didn't think
anyone would believe me.

Then I finally share it
with someone I think I can trust,

- and this is what I get?
- I'm sorry.

The hoaxes and pranks

are swirling around
hot and heavy out there.

I'm just trying to watch my back.

Yeah, well,
now you can watch mine.

Sick burn.

That skateboard kid
kind of rattled me.

I-I can do better than that.

- Well, here's your chance.
- Oh, no.

Oscar, we can't.

Hey, kid! You got a licence
to operate that thing?

I don't know, but I
sqwozded the lemons myself.

- Typical. Write her up, Karen.
- She's just a little kid.

Well, at least give her a good scare.
Cuff her and rough 'er.

Am I in twubble?

No, you're not in twubble...
I-I mean, trouble.

You are doing a great job.

- You disappoint me, Karen.
- I don't care.

I'm okay with telling a grown
man he's got wrinkly mangoes,

but I'm not going to shake down
a five-year-old girl.

Complaining knows no age or gender.

It's blind, like Lady Justice.

You're either all in or you're out.
What's it gonna be?

I'll take one glass, please.

I choose positivity over negativity.

This is terrible!
What'd you make this with?

Fresh-squeezed diapers?

- Gwow up!
- Oh no... I've become you.

Keep dweaming.

I can't believe
we have to stay up again

to make stupid mating calls.

Besides, what do Sasquatch
mating calls even sound like?

Probably loud,
because they're big,

but at the same time,
they're trying to be sexy, right?

So maybe it's like...

That's sexy?
This isn't romance.

It's propagation of a species.

It's about power.
It's like...

He's never going to get
any action like that.

No, it's like, uh...

Huhhh! Huhhh! Huhhh!

- Whatcha doing?
- Nothing! Hank hurt his foot.

When?

Gah! Ow!

I mean...

I see.
Well, I can't wait for tonight.

Between the mating calls
and the fresh scat,

it's going to be exciting!

- Scat?
- Yeah.

Like, wherever legitimate
tracks are found,

there's always some fresh scat.

You know, poo...
flop...

- dumplings...
- That's it! I'm done.

There's no way
I'm handling fresh poop

- just to pull off a hoax!
- Me neither!

Oh, yeah... I could have
just got you to do it.

- Dammit!
- Game, set, and match.

No, game, Squatch, and match.

No, game, Sas, and Squatch.

Yeah, they're all gold.

- There goes the screwmaster.
- He prefers "screwmeister".

How much further?

Not far.
Maybe you should have a nap.

Ah, too excited.
Let's have a snack!

I prepared some Throne-Strife
themed treats.

There's Ribs of Ragnarok,
which are really just beef,

and Bloodbred...
jam on buns,

and a thermos
of hot Stormbroth.

- What's Stormbroth?
- The Torgon army drank it in Book 5.

Ah. I've never read the books.

I've only seen the shows.

Oh, Emma,
you really must read the books.

Right, well...
maybe one of these days.

You simply
can't fully appreciate

the breadth
of the Mellador universe

without the originating literature.

"Literature".
Let's not get too snooty, professor.

I shan't.
I don't want to make an enemy

of the Queen Mother
of the Lizardians

and have her poison me
like she did King Staymick.

- What?
- After she found out

he was her long-lost brother,

who was actually her stepson.

It was in book number...
Oh.

- Why are we stopping?
- Why do you think?

You want me to drive?

Your highness!

You can't just leave me here
like a lost Gelderlane!

Can I have the Stormbroth?

Oh... my... god!

Thanks for the ride, Brent!
Jerk.

I mean, I couldn't believe Emma would

just strand me on the highway like that.

It was a total betrayal,

like how Prince Wexling
of Massacronia

back-stabbed the Crimsonites.
Oh... sorry.

I'm going on
about Throne Strife again.

You don't hear me complaining.

- You want another glass?
- If you're buying.

Another round, Sally.

Thanks, Officer Pelly,

and thanks for letting me know
I had to use sugar.

Gah!
Honestly!

Next time, you get
a knife in the neck.

I'm here to apologize.

I saw something last night
that sort of rocked my world.

I won't go into detail,
but I'm sorry I doubted you.

I believe you saw that Sasquatch.

Oh, that?
Ah, I was just screwing with you.

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Full of nothing but space ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's my happy place ♪

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sync & correction by f1nc0
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