Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

Just a second!

Hey you here to check out the bike?

Forgot someone was coming by, sorry about that.

You know you can just wait right here and I'll grab it.

My ex got me this thing, I don't know why.

He should know I don't like riding bikes.

It's a total mess back here seriously.

No Bane. Bad touch!

Good morning.

Is it Kenneth?

You okay? Something wrong?

Yeah you know actually...

For me, it's these movies man.

Batman, Spider-Man, Superman.

They tell the same stories over and over again.

I don't give a shit about

Batman's back-story anymore okay?

I just want to see him fight bad dudes.

Then why torture yourself

by watching all the Batman movies back to back?

To form a solid argument

Who are you debating?

What the fuck are we doing right now?

You assume I'm listening.

God, fucking origin stories. I don't need them.

I don't need to see Rambo in Vietnam

to know that he's all fucked up.

I'm living your origin story. Fat slob defies all odds

to become an even fatter slob.

I know, totally right?

And they always have these hot girlfriends

that are way better off without them.

And they have cool jobs like

news reporter or like assistant D. A.

It's probably because, these writers

can't write well-rounded female characters

so we're stuck with these boring caricatures.

Shut up! Kate's on TV.

It is a gruesome day here on Walnut Street.

In the early hours of the morning

a woman was found murdered in her apartment.

Authorities believe she is another victim of the

Schuylkill Strangler, an alleged serial killer

who finds his victims by placing ads online.

We'll have more information as the story unfolds.

Oh shit dude I'm late.

You wanna grab the costumes for tonight?

Don't be an asshole and just drop that on me.

I have a job you know.

He didn't even say goodbye.

If this place keeps smelling this good, I might never leave.

Here's your coffee, just the way you like it.

Thanks Gary.

What are you looking at?

An apartment just opened up at this building.

Oh yeah you need a roommate?

Cause I got this food dehydrator and we could just go nuts.

No, I think I'm going to try to live on my own.

That's cool, that's cool.

So you got any big plans tonight?

Nope.

Cool. Me? I'm going to go to church youth group,

get involved with some folk jam type of stuff you know?

Yeah. Wait you're a member of a church youth group?

No, but I think they're out there somewhere

I just got to find them.

I've never been inside of a church, but it

must be pretty cool place if you get up early

on a Sunday to go you know?

Hey, do you have to bring your own wine

or do they provide it?

Terrible idea Gary.

I thought it would be fun.

Quiet, Dean's coming. I don't want to get in trouble.

Get out of here, please.

Trouble, what are we in grade school?

Why is it that when I step out of my office,

I see you two love birds squawking all day long

and eating up the profits?

We've got dough audits

and salt dividend reports to get out this month

and I'm sure not staying late

because you're attracted to his beautiful song.

I'm really sorry, I was just finishing.

You're going to pay for that pretzel.

Dick.

Yeah that guy knows nothing about birds, stupid.

What's going on?

Kenneth we got a problem buddy. They're all out of our costumes.

We reserved those months ago.

We did?

You said you did.

Kenneth what I say and what I do don't always coincide.

I mean technically you should know that man You're my buddy.

So if you think about it. This is half your fault.

Dammit Ray you always do this.

Calm down I'll take care of it.

That's my roommate, he's all pissed off.

He's a little OCD I think he needs to get laid- hey!

He's good. Got some room in the toes here.

I think he can walk right out with them. Alright? Yeah.

Ray, ray there you are, boy,

I have a story for you – hey,

shouldn't you be in shoes today?

I'm on my break Aaron.

Me culpa! Should probably be crashed out in my mini-van huh?

You got the keys?

Look I'm not stealing clothes for this party tonight

if that's what you're asking?

I, that doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense does it?

- No! - Can I get your keys Aaron?

Yes. Hey do me a solid.

Try not to blast the air conditioning this time.

I'm having some trouble turning over the old dad wagon.

But then I'll be all sweaty.

Oh, yeah.

So, it's going to be a no.

Yeah, well had to ask.

Yeah, you're right.

Later bro. Catch ya. Later.

So what do we tell people we are?

I'm not sure if I'm a gang member or a raver.

That's why we have the do-rags.

Ties the whole ninja look together you know?

Why didn't you just get some baseball or football uniforms?

Because a girl can fuck a football player

whenever she wants.

You know what she never gets to fuck? A ninja.

Is that what gets you the ladies?

Yeah sometimes.

Hey thanks for driving by the way, I hate taking the bus.

It makes me feel poor.

You are poor, you're actually very poor.

Yeah but I don't need the bus to tell me that.

Come on.

I'm not taking the bus.

How has not a single car driven by, this is a major US city?

I don't understand anything I'm reading.

Hey, got one, got one, Hey, hey hey! I need a jump!

Hey, hey, hey! I need a jump! Hey!

Fuck you you stupid piece of shit!

Ray.

No.

Ray.

Kenneth I'm not taking the fucking bus!

You know Kenneth with the great power of owning a vehicle

comes the great responsibility of its upkeep.

I'm not saying it's your fault,

I'm just saying,

shit it's that asshole from earlier.

Get some profanity ready.

Hey! Hey! Fuck you, you piece of shit, I hope you die!

Fuck you, you piece of shit! Fucking asshole!

Fucking got that dude.

What?

What the hell are you supposed to be?

Ninjas.

You don't look like Ninjas.

I think we know a little bit more about being Ninjas

than you do okay Chief?

Bunch of racists.

Hey it's Kate.

...was found murdered in her apartment.

God, you've seen this already just ask her out.

The opportunity is almost there.

Yeah and you missed that opportunity.

Because you're always waiting around for your chance.

Then some loser from Wharton swoops in now,

he's fucking her brains out.

I have a plan okay?

Yeah, you got a plan I got a plan.

Plans.

I'm thinking about moving out.

What?

Stop the bus!

Are you guys getting off?

No, I'm being dramatic, I'm sorry.

What do you mean you're moving out?

For Kate?

You want to impress her?

It's much more than that okay?

Things just feel like they're getting stagnant,

hitting a plateau alright?

And I just need a change.

Oh you need a change Kenneth?

If you want to change, pick up a fucking hobby.

Okay? Like gambling or I don't know binge drinking.

Something respectable.

There's an apartment available in centre city.

Okay. Apartment just opened up in centre city.

This will pass I know it.

Here we are.

You know what?

I'm going to find my own way to Kate's party.

You have no idea where it is.

Fuck you Kenneth.

Racist huh?

Come in.

I wish I had done a lot more pull ups.

If I wasn't just like so sick you know?

Hey guys,

I'm almost ready, just make yourselves at home.

Alright.

- Devil eggs huh? - Is this a baby shower?

Thank you so much for coming to get me.

I feel so much better not going by myself.

I'm guessing you saw my report on the latest murder?

Yeah, I caught the tail end of it.

It's crazy.

You look at all this research on the Schuykill Strangler.

Whoa cool Kenneth. What are you my grandfather

just pointing out everything you see?

Sorry about the mess.

Do you want to, uh help me with my wings?

Yeah,

you look absolutely...

What are you supposed to be an angel?

Yes Ray, I'm an angel.

Well, angels are fat naked babies with hearts or horns

but I guess people will get it.

Hey are there going to be any hot girls here tonight?

Most parties have girls.

I'm talking like hot girls.

Like hot stuck up girls or hot easy girls

or slutty greasy girls you got any of them?

I don't know.

All of the above.

Cool. Cause old Uncle Ray's got a full dick

and he's looking for a doughnut to glaze.

God. You're good.

Thank you.

Do you guys want to put on your full costumes?

Wow you guys look like some handsome ninjas.

Hey what's with the devil eggs?

Everyone loves devil eggs.

Man, she is so boring.

Stop eating my eggs.

Holy Moly.

This is awesome.

I did not think this was going to look like this.

It does not look like this from the outside.

Yeah! Alright let's get it started huh?

Dude, chill out.

This is cool.

Right? Yeah.

Sorry I have to take this.

Oh yeah, yeah we'll be here.

Oh Kate's on her phone, that's weird.

Relax, she'll be with us in a second we'll all be hanging out,

get a drink or something.

I'm so sorry, I have to go back to work.

You know how it is, the news never sleeps.

Oh yeah you do? We don't know anybody else here.

- I was hoping... - Yeah it's just my boss.

I'm trying to impress him because I want to move up but,

you'll be okay yeah?

We're fine Kate. We will take these though.

Thank you.

Have fun!

Alright, you too! Do good!

Well, there goes my plans for the evening guess I'll just uh-

Sup girl. So who you supposed to be?

A hornet? A bumblebee?

A yellow jacket?

Just a bee. Just buzz, buzzing around.

What do you think about breaking that stinger off

in old uncle Ray huh?

Sexy ass bug.

Looks like we got a case of off brand Doritos.

I can always tell, spot them from a mile away.

See the thing is they skimp on the coating of the chip.

It doesn't have that Je Ne Sais Quoi you know?

How much do you really think they're saving,

20, 25 cents a bag?

It was this asshole!

Hey!

Did you ask my girlfriend if she was on the rag?

She's dressed like Raggedy Ann.

I don't give a fuck you freak.

Freak?

Uh just so you know, Raggedy Ann and Andy

were brother and sister so

have fun committing incest tonight!

I didn't dance with the devil in the pale moon light.

We got to get some food in us.

Hey is this stuff vegan?

I'm just kidding, I don't give a fuck.

Just get a beer.

Discount!

That was the first time I went in about one week.

No more corn chips for me.

Can I help you miss?

What?

Okay, I'm going to make this easy on you Paki.

Put the money in the register or I'll blow your brains out.

And your brains too!

Okay shit dick! It's on!

Time to get gutted!

Hey fucker!

Come on Kenneth! Come on, Come on!

Oh my chelada.

I'm not paying for this. Fucking beat up a guy.

When you said bears in Fairmount Park.

I thought you meant the animal.

Well that's wild!

Ray?

Shh.

Nowadays when you hear the term Muslim, you don't necessarily

think hero,

but two Muslim women in North Philadelphia may change that.

Burka clad vigilantes foiled a robbery in a

fish town convenience store during the

early hours of the morning.

Kate Astin will have an exclusive interview

with the store owner later today.

Do they think we're Muslim women?

It's our awakening Kenneth.

It's our rebirth.

It's our origin story.

Origin story?

Yes, this is exactly how it happens.

Two accidental vigilantes thrust into the underbelly

of their city where they live.

It all makes sense.

We got lucky Ray let's just leave it at that,

we are not heroes.

Exactly, because we're superheroes okay?

And we owe it to our city to fulfil our destiny.

Well yeah.

So? How's it feel?

I dunno.

Pretty bad-ass.

Like a man.

Really?

I didn't feel anything for that punk.

Like the Punisher.

This ends here Ray.

What ends here?

We did something Kenneth. Something that helps people.

Don't you want to feel like a man all the time?

Is this about me moving out?

No, Kenneth, this is about changing the world.

Changing our lives.

Okay changing your address won't do shit.

People are loving us Kenneth.

I don't know about that.

Did you hear about those two women at that convenience store?

I don't know about Muslims, but those two?

They're okay with me.

Did you hear that?

Did you hear that?

Ray? Ray where's all this going?

It's defective.

What? Some of it is wrapped in plastic,

some are still in the original packaging.

Look Aaron, I like you right and you like me?

Well, yeah, I can't show preference but-

Shut up, shut up.

Look, you seem like a nice guy

so I'm going to let you in on something.

See all this stuff? Where do you think it comes from?

China.

Mexico. On a boat.

And what happens when it hits the shore?

Tag it?

No, no.

What happens is a bunch of homeless men

scurry down to the loading docks, they break in

and they turn the empty storage containers into jack shacks.

What?

Jack shacks Aaron!

No.

The only think that has a home

after that is the loads they blow.

Gross right?

So, back to the manufacturer.

Or my house.

You going to get that?

Oh… phones… somebody answer the phone!

Need any help?

I'm here if you need any help.

I'm trying to update some files on the server

and then I'm out of here.

I'm trying to focus please?

Heard about your car troubles the other day,

thought you might be interested

in this start up I got going?

Gary's Limo Service. Unlicensed yet unbeatable.

It's like friendship on the go.

Pretty neat huh?

So, who's the president?

President?

Of the best friend's club?

Me? Me.

Well it must be a pretty important organization

for you two to be wasting time at work.

What are you planning?

A charity car wash?

A bachelor auction?

Firehouse pancake dinner maybe.

Pancakes aren't for dinner right?

Gary, I want you to give half your workload to Kenneth here

and I don't want either one of you leaving your desk

until its finished.

I actually have plans.

Well, finish your paperwork,

and then you can take your lunch.

Yum, yum.

Tina. Saw you at the gym yesterday.

Who do I have to kill to get into that Zumba class of yours?

So it's embossed with raised brass dye

and then foiled stamped.

Actually did the letter press myself.

Let me go get that work for you.

I'm so sorry.

As soon as possible, I understand.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh it's okay I don't mind waiting

but for a second there I thought,

"Wow I have never been stood up on a date before."

Date?

You heard about the robbery right? With the Muslim women?

Bits and pieces.

Pretty amazing.

Two women standing up for an innocent person

against an armed robber

putting themselves in harm's way.

What if more people did that?

Yeah, well maybe they just got lucky.

Right place, right time.

Right place, right time sure but

they didn't have to take action and they did.

Isn't that what life's all about sometimes?

Just taking action and being dominant

and really just being in control.

Sure, sure.

Who knows,

maybe they'll take out the Schuylkill Strangler.

You have to go?

I have got a remote with the convenience store owner who was

robbed the other night.

Schuylkill Stranger case could be my big breakthrough

if everything lines up properly.

And maybe if you didn't show up late,

we'd have more time together.

I'm in.

Wait, are you doing this because of Kate?

Shut up!

Very brave yes. But still very, very feminine.

Would you say they saved your business? Or even your life?

Saved my life? Maybe.

But they destroyed more in inventory

that was actually in the cash register.

Not to mention my insurance is going to go up.

Might have to close up shop and

move back to my home country with my mother.

Very heroic, yes. Will we see them again?

Time will tell.

Yes you will.

Yes you will.

Who are you talking to?

We're not just going to stumble on the Schuylkill Strangler

killing someone.

Yeah no shit Kenneth.

You think Batman found the Joker the first night?

Of course not.

Look it's going to take some time, okay?

We got to establish ourselves in the community. Build trust.

Maybe make a flyer – shut up!

There's something going on in that car. Come on!

Oh my god, I love you.

I love you too.

Should we? You know.

You ready?

Yeah I think so.

You don't have to, you know that right?

I do want to, it's just that,

I should tell you,

it's sort of embarrassing,

It's okay babe, I love you.

I'm sort of, a screamer.

Like a really loud screamer.

It's okay. I want you for you.

What are you doing?

My dad is really crazy about the car's resale value.

That's so cute.

You care about your parents so much. I love that.

It's probably just some teenagers

having sex in their car.

I never had sex in my car when I was a teenager.

Well neither did I but it happens.

You never had sex at all when you were a teenager

so what the fuck are you talking about?

Excuse me,

I got a bunch of blow-jobs in my parent's basement.

Yeah exactly Kenneth, these kids should be

in a basement somewhere blow-jobbing.

Not in parked car in the dark.

Something's up.

Fuck.

There's a girl getting raped in there Kenneth,

we have to do something.

That's a, they're probably just finger banging.

Kenneth, there's a poor girl who needs our help

and you're just standing here like nothing's going on.

Nothing is going on, except maybe some fornicating.

God damn it Kenneth!

The more we stand here, the more she gets raped!

We got to do something.

If you're not part of the problem,

you're a part of the solution.

Ray! Ray!

Fuck!

This doesn't look consensual! Fucking scumbag!

You're right! He was going to try and rape and kill her.

You're going to rape and kill me?

No, no, no, we saved you.

No, no, no, we're superheroes that's all.

Fuck my eyes!

My eyes!

My dick!

My vagina!

Fuck!

What the hell happened to you?

Are you crying?

Uhm, no.

My nephew came over last night

and I was changing his diaper

and there might have been a little poop in my eye and...

Stop.

I know what pepper spray looks like.

Now I don't know if you mouthed off to a cop

or got a little too handsy with take back the night Stacy,

but I do know this not an appropriate look for the office.

Get it together man.

So I was thinking about last night

and you know what was missing?

Bravery? Skill?

The fact that we're a pair of assholes.

Yes when we're drunk, we're somebodies.

The other night when we attacked that guy,

I felt like I could see crime.

Fine, but I'm not walking next time.

I knew you were going to say that.

Where do you get health insurance from?

I don't know, like,

I thought you got it from the supermarket.

I think you go online.

I can't do that. Hold on.

Hey chief,

forget your key?

I don't think he has a key.

Looks like we've run into a bicycle-

Oh shit.

That asshole thief took our bikes.

That's alright, I'll just steal more from work.

They never notice.

Give me everything that's in your fucking pockets

or I'll kill this yippie.

Ah, man.

Brass dye. He totally could've stopped at the foil stamp,

but he didn't.

Well done Gary.

I'm not sure how long he'll be,

but he should be on his way any second.

Get the fuck out! Get out! Get the fuck out of here.

Hey guys, sorry I'm late, hop in.

Hey Gare.

Oh please tell me he brought us to a fancy orgy.

I thought you said you were taking us home.

So this is your place huh?

Sort of. It's my dead parents' place.

Why do you even work then?

Aren't you supposed to get us food?

Alright, enough with the questions.

It's clear to me what's going on here.

Really?

Yeah I'll give you three guesses.

Clearly the two of you are trying to fight crime at night.

Must've had a taste for it after you foiled

the convenience store robbery.

- How do you know about that? - Yeah

I've seen the video. I know way you move.

Your propulsive gait, the way you angle your hips

slightly to the left,

your cadence,

my grandfather and I, we used to study people

at the fish market, follow them around,

he'd keep a journal and I'd take pictures.

As I was saying you've noticed a stagnation in your life.

and moving won't change that.

Ray, you've got a childish fascination with superheroes

but in the end it's going to be the darkness inside of you

that you're going to need to get past.

Kenneth, you're doing this for the love of an attractive

yet boring, boring cliché of a woman.

Okay Gary this is weird. How do you know about Kate?

Shh let him finish, he's on a roll.

In my estimation there's just one problem.

You haven't trained for this.

You don't what's out there yet.

This is the origin story falling into place.

Now he's going to say he's going to train us right?

I've already begun.

I've laid some sweats out for you upstairs.

Clean up, go hop in, but bring you're A-game

because it's going to be intense.

Also I got some personalized water bottles for you.

so I think you're going to love them.

Oh my god thank you.

It's a good sweat you know?

Gary we got to get you a crime fighting outfit.

You want me part of the team?

Hell yeah man you just trained us.

Oh wow, crime fighting trio.

I like the sound of that, yeah.

No, it's more of a duo you know?

You're a sidekick at best.

Well that's still music to my ears you know?

Okay I got to turn this machine off.

Yeah how do you do that? Jesus

I don't know. Off! Off!

Alright, drinks are on me to celebrate your training.

Gary!

This is where I go to dance things out

if you know what I mean.

I have no idea what you mean.

Two skinny white specials please.

There it is. Cheers.

I'm grateful to Gary for training us and all

but why would he take us to a gay bar?

This is a gay bar?

Oh girl. It's the gayest bar in all of

Philadelphia.

I had no idea Gary was gay.

Oh you guys are with Gary? Oh he's not gay.

Why would a straight man come to a gay bar?

He's not straight either.

Gary's like this, I don't know, this pan,

inter-sexual being whose desires are

beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.

He tried to tell me about it once, but uh,

I couldn't stop crying.

Who knew.

He's one of the greatest guys I ever met

and I have met Daryl Hall.

- Come on! No - What? Shut up. Shut up!

Absolutely. Not kidding. Really sweet guy.

Oh that's good to hear. That's really good to hear.

If you guys can excuse me for just a moment.

Meant to ask you. What do you think I should do?

Do you think I should wait to ask Kate out

after we catch the Schuylkill Stranger?

Because right now, I don't know, I...

Kenneth what? No, no.

Kate's into you okay?

Listen the last date we went on, she said it was a date,

but I don't know if she was joking or what, it's really hard

to tell with her.

Kenneth, you've known her for years right?

So you're either dating her, or you're not dating her.

I don't give a shit. I don't want to keep talking about this

okay?

Do you think the Avengers sit around

talking about shit like this?

No.

Hey do you guys see that incredibly handsome

yet shockingly stupid young man over there?

Nice fucking pull there. Nice, real nice.

Thank you! So he wants to go out to his car,

blow a bunch of coke and fuck. That's what's up.

I need a favor, because I'm just a little worried

cause he seems too good to be true.

Yes it does.

Alright if some supermodel

wanted to do lines of coke off your cock right

now we wouldn't even be having this conversation.

Good point.

So when I leave with

young and stupid over there,

just follow me out into the parking lot

to make sure I'm not getting rolled.

Why ask us?

Because you guys are here with Gary.

He only hangs out with superhero good guy types.

Yeah, we'll do it.

Alright thank you, but don't think I can't fight for myself,

it's just, I can't fight with a boner.

Me either, I can't fight with a boner either.

Remember how I got beat up at that strip club?

And that women's basketball game?

I can't do it either.

Great story. Give me five minutes.

We sure we want to do this?

I mean, what if we're getting set up.

I don't want to get rolled.

What are you talking about Kenneth?

That man needs our help and we're going to help him.

Okay?

Does all crime fighting involve fucking in cars?

I hope they're fucking.

Plus, cocaine's illegal.

Kind of. But like in a gay bar it's more like,

business as usual.

- Yeah but... - But what?

That guy needs our help and we gave him our word.

If not him,

at least do it for that crazy, dancing asshole.

Yeah.

Yeah? Come on let's go.

You know, I'm actually disappointed.

I thought there would a bunch of guys out here

having sex you know?

You know we really should've got the make and model.

How are we going to find him?

I'm getting rolled! I'm getting rolled!

Yeah piece of shit!

Get the fuck out of here!

Nice, Dickhead!

He was scared of us!

He was scared of us did you see that?

Because we're superheroes Kenneth.

You knocked a guy out!

Oh my god, I have so much adrenaline pumping through me

right now.

So have I. I feel like I can do anything.

Anything in the world!

Yeah! Matter of fact, matter of fact

What, what are you going to do?

I'm going to ask Kate out right now.

What's that? What?

Yep.

You're going to call Kate right now man?

No, I'm going to text her. Who calls?

God Kenneth you're so boring.

Smiley face, send.

Ray what a rush!

Hey kids, isn't it past your bedtime.

Jesus!

Bitches get shived. Nobody messes with Jimmy the dick.

Fuck with us, and I'll slit your fucking throats.

Oh god oh!

What the hell.

I didn't know house keys cut that deep

I think I need stitches.

Did you hear that kid's fucking banter?

He killed it.

I got this.

Woah, hey, hey, hey safety first.

I need to get this disinfected.

What kind of monster stabs a guy with house keys

A villain! A shitty little villain that's who!

I hate him!

Here you go.

Well, well, well, if it isn't the piss brothers

Well if it isn't two freaks

and an idiot wrapped in duct tape.

It's not very gentlemanly to urinate in public.

This city is our toilet, we'll piss where we want.

Well then we have a problem fellas.

Science! Captain! Stankys,

Cheese Curd, Tony T,

Virgin Ray,

JP, Whoop Whoop, Fingers!

You sure you guys want to do this?

Are we sure we're going to beat the shit out of you

and piss in your faces?

Well are we boys?

Hooray!

Why?

Alright. Your funeral.

Okay.

At least we got the banter right this time right?

It got it in my mouth.

Yeah well if you would've stopped screaming

and just closed your eyes and mouth like I did,

you'd be fine.

Yeah jokes on those guys.

Urine is actually the perfect healing agent.

On a street like this, you can buy sex

but what you're getting is a whole lot more.

STDs are on the rise in prostitutes in Philadelphia.

Get the fuck off my street!

Hey.

Hey come on, hey, hey, why don't we all just calm down.

Don't tell me how to run my business you goofy fucks.

Look, miss,

we're cleaning up the streets.

Maybe it's time for a new line of work okay?

Listen honey, I give blow-jobs,

men pay me money,

and I manage my HIV like the professional

that I am so if you're not here for business,

then you're here for trouble.

Trouble is our business.

Yeah you better watch!

You never hit a woman!

What the hell, where are his parents?

That's right.

The way I see it, you now owe me money for my time

Get the fuck out of here.

I'm not leaving until I get my money.

What money? What money?

Every John knows that kissing costs extra

She's right,

I've been here before, kissing does cost extra.

Give her money, give her some, give her some.

These things don't have pockets is the problem

- I got this, I got it. - okay.

Just say when huh?

Keep going.

Yeah alright I'll keep going.

That's enough Gary.

No I'll keep going, I want to see where this goes.

Here.

Come on I wanted something out of that.

You're not a good kisser.

Oh wow, real mature.

Very nice. Very nice of you. Very rude.

You deserve that.

It's alright.

Hey don't beat yourself up.

I'm sure you're a great kisser. What does she know?

Well she's probably,

She's probably been with a lot of guys, a lot.

Don't worry about it okay?

Ray, where are you going with the bats?

Oh it's uh, baseball.

Yeah, uh, approved.

From our steaks to our pizza, Philadelphia loves its cheese.

But one citizen has taken this love a little too far,

Kate Astin has the story.

Smile and say cheese.

A Philadelphia man has been terrorizing the city.

Victims say that a 40ish white male has been driving around

pant-less with a full brick of swiss cheese.

He pulls up to women and tries to pay them

to watch him masturbate with it.

Miss I need help.

I'll give you 20 dollars to watch.

I can do 40. That's it

I'd like forty bucks. Turn off the ignition.

And sir, could you please stop masturbating.

What you're doing isn't as noble as you think it is alright?

It's a waste of time.

I'm out here giving thanks

if you think about it.

God makes man, man makes woman,

woman makes cheese,

man fucks cheese.

Woman watches man fuck cheese.

Circle of life, give it up to the big guy alright?

You think you're serving justice?

I got a way higher purpose than you do.

Stop masturbating!

Holy shit guys that felt amazing!

You got to try this.

Holy shit you're right.

Hey uh, roll up this window.

I want some of this.

I call the windshield.

Roll up your window and get out of the car.

That way we all have two windows.

Oh yeah, that's cool.

Wait a minute the windshield

and the back window are pretty big.

Well get up here and help me with the front windshield.

Cool, cool.

Fuck you, you weirdo!

This is the greatest day of my life!

Hey, stop masturbating.

I am so close.

Okay we're ready for the Joker.

The Schuylkill Strangler?

No I was using that Batman Joker metaphor

from the other day?

Batman and Joker metaphor?

You know we could've had a real moment there.

Oh I'm going to be late for my date.

Let me guess. Boring dinner with Kate?

Dude, Kate is awesome.

She's seen the world and she has some really refined tastes.

Bye!

Yeah I don't want to blow my own horn,

but it is hard to get a reservation here.

Hello,

I will have the large house salad no dressing please.

That it? You don't want to get anything more exciting?

Maybe you would like me to order for you?

Oh. You want to be in control?

I like that.

What should I have?

Well,

tell you what.

The lady will have the

extra-large house salad,

extra dressing.

No dressing please.

I have just been craving iceberg lettuce all day.

And I'm going to have the...

He'll have your largest steak, rare and a glass of scotch neat.

Thanks.

This place is really nice.

Do you think I would take you to a shitty place

on our first date?

Okay, so this is a date.

Yes it is.

Well look who's so confident?

Well, I'm a new man.

You seem to be.

Kate, something I want to tell you.

I have feelings for you.

And I have for a very long time.

and I want to be with you.

Finally. I have been waiting for you to say this.

What? Are you serious?

Are you being serious right now?

Why didn't you say anything?

Well, I'm an old fashioned girl I've just been waiting for you.

My god old-fashioned?

Yeah right.

You're like the most driven

and in control person I've ever met.

Well I guess deep down there's a June Cleaver in me.

You have to promise me two things.

Anything yeah.

One, we take this slow.

Like no sex for months.

Yeah uh, a month, month and a half no sex,

totally doable.

And two,

we have to be totally honest with each other.

One hundred percent.

So what did you do last night?

Hey Aaron.

Yeah, what's up muchacho?

Can any of this stuff take a bullet?

What, why? Is somebody shooting at you?

No it's just guy talk. Guy talk.

Ah yeah.

You know, like which celebrity would you fuck you know?

Nah, tons of them.

You want to guy talk it?

Yeah Aaron.

Okay, cool, cool.

Uh, motocross padding man. This stuff?

That'll take a wallop dude.

Yeah?

Yeah. Alright.

Daylight only lasts so long.

It keeps our city pure for only a few hours of the day.

Darkness doesn't shine, it takes away the light.

It strips the city of its purity.

We have seen this darkness in the souls of the worst of us.

Those who come out at night to devour this city.

Those who wish the light would never come back.

The darkness has changed us.

We have lost a bit of our purity for those

who live in the light.

We have watched over you to make that light shine brighter.

And now we must bring to justice the biggest taker of our light.

You really should see this view.

Kenneth can we get down from here man?

I'm afraid of heights and this is making me nauseous dude.

Fucking Gary.

My pornography collection, I have over 400...

Hey ladies, you're going to jail for prostitution.

My name is Shawn and that's Rob. and we are undercover cops.

Do you want to watch sports or something?

I'm not much for sports.

Woah what are you doing?

You don't want me to rub your feet?

No, you don't have to do that.

But do you want it?

I just don't like people

touching my feet that's all.

Okay,

then I'll just rub your back.

Okay, you can do that.

What is wrong?

You are covered in bruises.

I fell down the stairs.

You fell down the stairs?

Kenneth, I said no lies between us.

What happened?

City's getting really dangerous.

And I want to be able to protect you,

So I've

been taking Krav Maga.

You've been taking Krav Maga?

That is so sweet.

Oh my little superhero!

I want to hear all about it what's it like?

Oh no you don't want to hear about that stuff.

It's so boring.

I want to hear about your day.

Oh uh okay! Well,

I spent the day doing some preliminary meetings

with the police for my piece on the Schuylkill Strangler.

Oh. Fascinating.

Any interesting titbits?

You won't tell me about Krav Maga,

I won't tell you about the Schuylkill Strangler.

Come on.

You really want to hear about

Ari, Eri, Ex-Israeli Mossad agent

who sweats too much and smells like kugal?

Okay,

but it's pretty bland info.

An 80's sedan was seen leaving three different

locations around the time the victims were murdered.

Now they haven't been able to track his location,

but they did show me one email

and it was signed, “D”.

Gentlemen,

tonight we start the next phase of our crime fighting.

We know the killer operates online.

We've always known that.

Yes but today we take action

rather than sit idly by.

You do realize there's like a million different places

you can post online.

Yes I do know that Kenneth.

That's why when you and Kate were playing

boyfriend and girlfriend pants party the other night,

me and this dickhead were posting all over the internet.

Hot co-ed looking for love.

Hot co-ed looking to sell a couch.

Hot co-ed looking for...

Okay! I get it.

God.

You know Kate did mention that...

Oh we don't need Kate Kenneth.

Gary's like a super computer with this bullshit.

He's already combed through thousands of responses

and narrowed down the suspects.

Killer's on that list. It's just a matter of time.

Sorry, on what basis are you guys...

Algorithms, Kenneth. Okay?

Everything's based on algorithms nowadays.

Okay so what's the plan?

Okay, we've invited the perps over.

When they come to door, they knock. And we play this.

Why do you want me to say this.

You know if you didn't ask so many questions

we'd be done by now.

Fine. Come in!

See? Was that so hard?

Boom. They come in.

Gary talks to them. Gary does his weird Gary shit

and then he throws him off his game a little bit.

Then the perp shows his true colors and bam.

We're the true heroes.

I'm going to have a go word okay? So when you hear it?

You bust in.

Go word?

Menopause.

Menopause.

You see statistically speaking,

menopause is the least likely word

to come up in conversation

between two men in their 20s-40s.

So when you hear menopause.

- Menopause. - Menopause.

Menopause, that means its fucking go time.

This could seriously backfire on...

Kenneth come on regret is a four letter word, okay?

Perp's going to be here in 10 minutes. Suit up.

Hey how did you get Kate to...

We don't need Kate, Kenneth.

Come in.

Hello?

Stacy here?

She just went into the shower.

Feel like I just heard a woman's voice.

Can I help you with something?

Yeah, I'm here about the couch.

But if you're willing to sell that credenza,

that'd be great too.

Oh everything's negotiable.

You know, the economy has been murdering me lately.

Fucking Gary.

Something going on here?

Oh is this not what you were expecting?

I bet you thought there was going to be a hot

little number named Stacy coming to the door.

You know, wearing a tight shirt and maybe some yoga pants

dripping wet from the shower, huh?

Hey. I'll give you the 50 bucks ok?

Look, I just got out of prison you know?

I'm just trying to do right here.

I finally got a job.

It's not much, just a few days a week,

but it's something.

It's bad enough my own mother is riding me all the time,

but that's a whole ‘nother story.

I'm like “mom, I'm trying to do my best,

all I wanted was a fucking Pepsi!”

Personally I think it's the menopause,

but what do I know about that right?

It's fucking go time.

Fucking menopause.

I don't think we're supposed to.

It's fucking go time!

You want to go back to the joint huh?

Is that what you're creeping to do?

Please guys, none of us want this.

Yeah, you better believe it.

You know, I would say this is embarrassing but,

does narrow down the culprits.

Well, looks like they don't teach you

how to tie a knot in prison.

Come in.

You ready for me you dirty little thing?

You're going to give me what I want

whether you like it or not you slut

Why? Tell me why?

Who are you?

Stacy!

Stacy can't help you now you sicko!

No, no, no, she said she had a rape fantasy!

That's not even a real thing.

I wasn't even sure I wanted to do it.

I just,

I haven't had sex in so long.

It's been three and half years since my wife passed.

I just need a release.

She was the only girl

who wrote me back.

When you come into my room, say

“you're going to give me what I want

whether you like it or not,”

why was this posted in the antique section?

Don't!

Come in.

Hey Stacy, I'm here for the guitar lesson.

You're really bad at this.

Okay, this is over.

If we're going to pursue the Schuylkill Stranger,

we need a new plan.

Right, well,

we still got about ten more suspects.

I can invite over

and I am almost positive

one of those is our guy.

I'm not accosting any more innocent people Ray

Oh Kenneth,

who's really innocent anymore?

You're slipping over the edge here Ray.

You got to step into the darkness...

to really appreciate the light.

Hey by the way, don't touch any of these plants,

my grandfather bred them all to be poisonous.

You fucking serious Gary?

I just touched like every fucking plant!

Why are we even here Gary?

I touched every one, I started here!

That sucks, that really sucks.

Hold on they're not like deadly,

they'll just put you in a coma

but I can make an antidote.

Are you mad at me?

“D.” Shit.

Hey look what I got. Note buddies.

Sit down.

It feels good to say this,

I'm not a fan of either one of you.

Over the last few weeks,

I've liked you even less.

You look like hell and you smell like a hobo

trying to cover up his stench with an old lady's perfume.

And most importantly you're giving this fine institution

bad name.

Now we're not making losers down on the floor are we?

No. This isn't a loser making factory.

Uh huh.

Now what you do on your free time is your business.

You can go out and get crazy.

If you knew what I did on my free time,

well, you would be shocked.

Maybe even a little horrified.

I can get dirty if you know what I mean.

But,

when you bring that into the workplace

well, that's an entirely different story.

Now I've compiled enough infractions here-

I quit. I'm just going to go.

Me too.

What the fuck?

I'm clearly firing you.

That's why Alicia from HR is here.

Oh hey Alicia, I'm sorry I didn't see you there

That's okay. I get looked over a lot.

But yeah I quit.

No, you're fired.

No I quit.

Me too.

You can't take the satisfaction of

firing you away from me.

Okay fine, I'm fired.

I'll take the severance package.

There is no severance package.

There is still a severance package.

Alicia! The one time you could've helped me out.

And the pay-out for unused vacation.

Oh I'll take that too please.

You're an intern.

Actually-

God damn it Alicia you're a monster!

And the unused vacation.

Oh that's great.

Get out!

Oh and let me just say, by the way,

it's been a pleasure working-

You too Alicia.

Wait, so your boss is the Schuylkill Strangler.

He might be.

Okay the other day Kate met with police

and they told her all the emails from the killer were signed

with a “D.”

Today, at work, Dean gave me this.

They also told Kate the killer was seen leaving

in a 1980s Mercedes.

Now do you remember when we saw Dean

the night of the party?

I remember he had an old Mercedes.

Yeah and Dean is a total sociopath. Total sociopath.

The guy's got no heart,

he's got an air of entitlement.

No heart at all.

Guys, if we can just set up one more sting.

One more sting and Dean shows up,

I think we got the Schylkill Strangler.

It's easy Under our noses the whole time huh?

Typical killer.

I don't know how my algorithms missed it,

but one of these emails is signed with a “D”.

What did he respond to?

Causal Encounters.

Nice. No.

Well we can't do it here.

Follow me fine sir.

What the fuck?

Shh.

Shh, shh.

Alright, let's get a confession.

My lady needs her story.

What's the deal with this room Gary?

It was my grandfather's special place.

Is this a torture chamber or sex dungeon?

You know, Grandpa said there was never much of a difference.

He really loved that chair.

Hey why aren't we wearing any shirts.

Waking up to a bunch of shirtless assholes in masks?

Terrifying. Think about it!

Yeah, it's genius.

Look, he knows your voices so I'll do the talking. Okay?

If you must talk, use a disguise.

Like with an accent or something.

No, just don't say anything!

Hey,

can I do all the torturing?

Yeah, sure, yeah.

Cool I'll use my grandfather's tools.

I'm scared to see what those even are.

Just use what I brought.

You just brought a wrench

Yeah, it's wrench Gary.

You hit a guy with a wrench,

he'll tell you whatever you want.

Go wake him up.

- No touch. - It's over, Dean.

How do you know my name?

Because I know everything.

Here's what's going to happen.

You're going to confess to those murders.

Murders? What murders?

You killed those girls!

And now you're going to confess on video.

No rambling manifestos,

just clear succinct soundbites that we can edit in post.

What's going on?

Is that a wrench?

- You want another hit? - No, no, no!

Listen Dean, you're going to tell us

what we want to know Dean, right now. Right now!

Get out of my way.

I need my grandfather's tools!

What are those for?

These are for me.

What the fuck are you doing?

Please stop!

I'll stop when I'm ready to stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Just stop!

I'll confess to this.

I'm here for sex.

I'm an addict, I can't get enough!

I answer all these ads online

just searching for anything sexual.

I drive around looking for hookers.

I jerk off four times a day at the office.

Plus, once in the women's room.

The women's room?

I sneak in after Alicia from HR has her coffee.

So I can listen to her take a shit.

Taking a shit really?

She pushes hard.

Real hard.

You killed these girls! You killed these girls!

That's not me!

Wait!

Where were you on the night of September 24th?

I told everyone that I was in a conference in Colorado but,

really I was in Brazil buying sex by the pound.

And what about October 7th?

I made this asshole work all night.

I had to sleep in the office because I knew he wouldn't stay,

but it was worth it.

Cock sucking Ken that's what I call him.

He's not our guy. All those stories check out.

So we just tortured an innocent man.

Gary?

What's wrong?

I have a boner.

Yeah we know Gary.

I miss my grandfather so much!

Come back!

Morning.

Good morning baby.

10 dollar blowjob?

Oh, uh,

okay but this is the last one.

Your dick looks like a sad balloon.

I think we're done yeah?

Oh no, I like to get it real hot

so it burns the roof of my mouth.

Makes me feel something inside.

I mean I'm done, Ray.

Can't do this anymore. It's silly.

Silly Kenneth?

We're taking back the night.

We tortured an innocent man.

He was a perverted piece of shit.

Still innocent.

Doesn't matter.

I don't want to talk about the Schuylkill Strangler anymore.

What do you mean you don't want to talk about

the Schuylkill Strangler anymore.

I lost my job.

I can't even afford to move out anymore.

Move out?

Oh I didn't know I was so hard to live with.

I mean I knew I was a little messy

but Jesus Christ.

It's not about the mess Ray.

Have you seen this place?

I mean we look like fucking children.

Now you got me out

at night playing dress up.

Ruining my fucking life.

Dress up? Dress up?

Uh Kenneth, we caught a man fucking cheese.

Okay?

What would you have without this?

I have Kate.

Okay, so you're going to be that guy.

That guy who gets a girlfriend

and leaves all his friends behind?

You wouldn't even have that girlfriend if it

wasn't for crime fighting.

Yes I would, you know she's liked me from the beginning.

That doesn't mean shit

without the confidence of being a superhero.

We're not crime fighters, we're not superheroes,

we're not anything. Okay?

It doesn't make sense to do anymore.

In fact, it never really did.

Oh it doesn't make sense? To do the right thing?

To save people's lives?

You're going to fuck up our origin story?

Okay, great, fine Ray I may have had a breakthrough

and for that, I thank you,

but I can't do this anymore.

You're my best friend,

but you're on your own.

Fuck that's hot!

I still feel nothing inside.

Have I become one with the darkness?

Have I stepped over the line?

Have I sipped on the nectar of hate

to only want more?

What ya doing Ray?

I'm facing my fears

while also contemplating the darkness inside.

Of course you are.

Come on down man,

we got to talk.

Please.

What's up Aaron?

I got to fire you man.

What? Why?

Come on man I'm not an idiot,

I know you've been stealing stuff from the store

and I had your back but now corporate's asking questions.

How would they even know?

You stole $15,000 worth of merchandise man.

If I do this, they kill the investigation.

How would they even find anything?

Ray there are cameras there, there, there, overhead.

They can see what you're stealing

they can even pick the best angle.

This keeps you out of jail man.

You know, you're being a dick right now

but I'm not going to say that,

because I'm going to take the high road.

- Yeah. - And be nice about it.

But you're being a fucking dick okay?

Don't. No, no, sir. Remember I said that.

I will.

We've been parked here for a while now,

we going to go fight some crime or what?

Shut the fuck up Gary.

It takes a while ok? We got to wait.

You wanna talk about it?

No.

You wouldn't understand.

Well, you're worried about Kenneth,

you're worried that without him

you're going to slip into the darkness and

he's the only thing tethering you to the light.

And you're right about that.

We got something.

Hey, hat are you guys doing?

What, you're not going to give them any nicknames? Or banter?

I'm fighting crime Gary.

We're stealing the band's gear.

Horns? Is it a Ska band?

Benjamin Skanklin.

Oh, fuck off.

Well, you're doing the world a favor have a good night guys.

Hey, what are you doing man?

I can't believe Kenneth left me out here

to fight crime by myself like an asshole.

I'm not a solo artist Gary.

Hey, remember how I told you my parents were dead?

Yeah.

Somehow you and Kenneth fighting makes me feel worse

than when that happened.

Hey how did they die, your parents?

Oh uh they were shot in a back alley

by this lunatic after we were leaving the opera.

He was trying to steal my mom's pearls.

Typical rich orphan story.

Yeah.

I think you were right about Kenneth,

I need him.

You got to convince him to finish what we started.

I mean, after all this we deserve the ones

who catch the Schuylkill Stranger,

- Come on! - You're right.

Hey you guys want some T-shirts?

Yeah, sure.

Yes.

You guys are hilarious, hey have a good night alright?

Hey, you too.

Ah this is shit.

Is that the fifth time he's called?

I should probably take this.

Yo.

I got canned at work.

I don't know any more man.

Don't know about what?

I don't know, anything Kenneth!

But you were a really bad employee Ray.

I wasn't a bad employee, Kenneth, I just didn't care.

There's a big difference okay?

Point is I'm lost man.

I'm not the same old Ray you know

the one who chicks dig and is really funny and handsome.

I'm a different person, but have those same

aforementioned qualities.

I've lost all compassion and feeling.

I see everything in an objective state light and dark.

Black and white.

I think you're right man.

I think I'm slipping over the edge.

Everything ok?

Ray just lost his job.

Oh,

well he can't be too mad, he was a really bad employee

Yeah the worst.

Both of you lose your jobs in a couple of days,

what's happening in your apartment

I don't know,

but Ray sounds really bad right now.

Are you sure there's nothing happening?

No secrets right?

No, no secrets,

he just sounds a little off is all.

Go. You should really support your friend.

You sure?

Yeah.

Ok, I'll be quick.

Ray?

Over here.

What's going on?

I've been asking myself the same question

over and over again.

What's the question?

Am I the hero this city needs?

Well-

If I fight for good,

can I do so without being seduced by evil?

Ray, you know.

If I step into the darkness,

will I remember the light?

That's three questions.

Yep. And they all have the same answer.

Which is?

To finish what we started.

Look, I'm out Ray.

It was your idea to find the Schuylkill Strangler okay?

I lost a part of myself for you

and you're going to help me find it.

We've hurt people.

Yes, we did.

And all of that will be in vain

if you don't help me do this.

You've been pissed on, stabbed,

all for what? Nothing?

It's not been nothing.

Look,

I'll let you go.

But you got to fly with me one more time.

If I do this, If I do this, and we catch the killer,

then I get to walk away.

No,

you can fly away.

Fine, where do we start?

We've been at this for hours. What are we missing?

There's got to be a pattern right?

We've done everything, fat chicks,

skinny chicks, chicks with dicks,

dicks with chicks, dixie chicks

I don't know Ray,

maybe we should just give up for the night.

Hmm.

What?

Well it seems like all the streets

the murders take place on are streets

named after trees.

See William Penn when he designed the city

named a bunch of streets after trees.

Gary how'd you get into our apartment?

Yeah it's pretty trivial bullshit,

the kind of thing you'd see in a bad movie right?

You still didn't answer my question.

Guys, Kate lives on Spruce street.

She's not dead.

Oh, okay.

She's not dead yet right?

I'm not doing that to Kate.

Look Kenneth we've come too far to change our focus.

It's not about focus,

it's about the fact that you want to use Kate as bait

to catch the Schuylkill Strangler.

Kenneth, look we know Kate is not a worm

you throw out fishing with your grandpa.

No, no, no, she's more like chum for a shark.

I'm sorry, I just have to ask.

Gary, you're not the killer are you?

No! No, come on guys, why would I shit where I eat?

See if I was going to do that,

I'd do it right. You know?

Fishing village in Portugal,

somewhere where there aren't a lot of closed

circuit tv cameras.

And get myself a family, a job,

something that wouldn't arouse suspicion.

We're not putting her in harm's way.

Look, Kenneth, this is not about us.

It's about the whole city. It's about Kate.

How so?

Kate wants a story of the the Schuylkill Strangler right?

We are literally delivering that story right to her door step.

And there are three of us.

That means it's three on one. Four if you count Kate.

Look, I got to agree with him on this one okay?

You'd be handing her the story of the decade.

- Decade. - Decade.

Decade.

Decade! 10 years.

Sounds crazy until it works right?

He doesn't lay a finger on her?

He can't even look at her, won't even look at her.

Keep her out of danger.

Look, if all else fails,

I want you to know.

In the trunk of my car is filled with wine and guns.

I'll do it

Alright!

But we don't use guns.

I'm so glad you said yes,

because I started to put this plan in motion

the second I thought of it,

the second I thought of it Yeah,

Killer is going to be there in an hour.

An hour?

- Can I finish this? - Yeah you can finish it.

Hi.

Hi.

For you.

Oh, sweet thank you.

Yeah well I'm a great boyfriend what can I say.

Oh, boyfriend?

You ok? You seem a little shaky.

Oh no, I just got the coffee jitters or something.

You want me to stir you up a little martini?

Yeah a martini sounds good.

Tell me to make me a martini.

What?

Tell me, to make you a martini.

Make me a martini.

Demand that I make you a martini.

God damn it Kate, just give me a fucking martini.

Yes sir.

Jeez.

See you got dressed up for tonight.

Oh yeah, it's a gift from Ray.

It makes him happy to see me in it so.

Thinking about leaving already?

Great.

Weird.

Hello?

Hey Kate, it's Ray,

I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by.

Did you know about this?

No, it's Ray, who knows what he does.

Hi.

Hey.

Oh same outfits, what, what is that

Yeah I stole a bunch of shit after I got fired.

Flowers. You know Gary right?

No, Hi,

Hi, you have a lovely home.

Thank you.

I brought this for you.

Is this a 93 Le Pin?

Oh yeah, my Dad, he's dead, loves wine.

Anyway, it was in the trunk of my car

This is a $1500 bottle of wine.

Oh is it?

Is it? We going to order some food?

You guys want to get some Chinese food?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I could totally eat some Chinese food.

Well this is cool, a kind of little impromptu gathering.

I know a place on speed dial, I'll call it up,

the whole spreads on me okay?

Thank you, that is very nice of you.

I'm a nice fucking guy so…

you have any cash?

Why isn't the food here yet Ray?

I don't know. It's supposed to be here.

What if it never gets here?

I'm sure the food won't abandon you.

Am I the only one watching this?

Cause…if I'm the only one watching this, you can leave.

Sorry Gary.

Hey Kate, would you mind getting that?

I was going to use the restroom.

I'm going to go to the kitchen

to get some forks and plates.

Gary, can you help me please?

Gary?

Fine! Ok, ok, alright, I'm up.

You want to get the door? The door, yeah.

Okay, remember you're going to block the back door

so he can't get out

and Ray and I are going to attack him

from opposite sides.

Got it!

Hey there, there's uhm...

Ray there's only 4 dollars for the,

where's the food?

Hey!

Why don't you uh, pick on three guys your own size?

Alright that's awkward but sort of awesome.

Thanks man, must be the adrenaline.

What's uh, what's going on here?

You just stepped right into our trap,

Schuylkill Strangler.

The Schuylkill Strangler?

Yeah you wanted the story baby? You got it

Wait! Did you use me as bait?

You have no idea what you're in for.

I'm going to kill all four of you.

Not tonight.

No uh, actually tonight.

I'm going to slaughter you.

I got this!

Kenneth no!

No! Kenneth, are you-

Now your friend here is going to die.

Don't worry guys, I got this!

Oh shit! I am so sorry are you okay?

Cause I am- oh god!

If I could, I'd kill the décor as well.

Are you okay?

Oh my god, no!

You're going to be okay!

What is going on?

Gary, give me your keys.

Am I going to fucking die Ray?

How the fuck should I know?

I did this for you!

What the fuck are you talking about?

You're not insured to drive my car okay?

Do you want me to just wait here for you to die?

Then I can take your keys?

Fair enough.

Alright Kenneth come on!

I will return for you,

but first I have to make the streets safe.

What? What?

It's for parking. Come on!

I love you.

Gary? What is going on?

Oh we're fucking heroes that's what's going on.

There he is.

Hey Kenneth?

Yeah.

Look, I know a lot of people got stabbed,

but this is pretty fun right?

Yeah, I'm sorry I was such a dick to you.

You're my best friend, not an anchor holding me down.

Thanks for saying that.

I'm sorry too,

I know I'm self-centered

- but I'm glad we had this talk. - Me too.

Oh shit, that's high.

No time for fear, let's go!

I thought that was going to hurt a lot more than it did.

Oh god.

It didn't hurt at all.

Alright, the ambulance is on its way too.

Gary and Kate.

Gary did not look good.

He's probably going to die.

Hey how many people that get stabbed in the stomach die?

I'd say it's 50/50.

Why you asking him that?

- I'm worried about Gary. - So am I,

but that's potentially Gary's killer.

Can we just bring him to justice in silence?

Yeah.

Can I say something?

This is going to be good.

Fine.

I was once like you guys,

wanting to fight the darkness.

I thought I could bring the light

so it was shining bright you know?

But then I learned,

there is not a light bright enough

to stop the darkness forever.

We started in darkness,

and then there was light.

Everyone wants to go forward, why?

Why can't I go back?

Why girls with streets named after trees?

I have to set limitations for myself, you know

like girls on streets named after trees.

This isn't easy you know.

I have to answer a lot of ads to find exactly

what it is I'm looking for because you

have to rules to kill.

Rules?

Yeah, because if I didn't,

I'd be killing everyone

and I just don't got that kind of time you know?

We're not recording this are we?

No.

Damnit. This is why

we need more than two hours to plan.

I know.

So you guys going to be heroes, huh?

Bringing into justice. Yes. Yeah.

News flash fellas,

I'm just an innocent man who responded to your ad

and was jumped by three people

wearing masks wielding knives.

God, he's got a point.

He's a serial killer Ray.

I know, but we can't prove it.

Fuck.

Alright listen,

I'm going to make this easy for you.

I think you got two plays at this point.

One, you can drop me off here.

and pray that my darkness never crosses your path again.

Would you stop killing people?

Would you ask the sun not to shine?

I'm so sorry, it's just his timing it's incredible.

I thought he was going to say it and he said it.

Thank you.

What's our second play?

Oh, you could kill me.

We're here.

What's next?

Yeah what's next?

That's a lot of guns.

And wine.

Alright, let's do this.

Guys, I think this was the right choice.

I do.

Guys,

what is there a problem?

No.

I'm just saying,

killing me should be pretty easy,

you're doing the world a great favor so…

but I do have to say that,

killing a defenseless man in cold blood,

well that kind of makes you no better than me,

but you do what you want. Here we go. Up to you.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Or what? You'll tie me up and shoot me?

Even a cow in a slaughterhouse.

Look, I will shoot you just to shut you up.

That is the irrational thought process of a psychotic.

Sounds very familiar.

Will you please just shut up?

You know, even a man on death row

gets to say some final words?

So, I think it's rude that you're...

Fuck.

I'm sorry is killing me so hard?

Hey shut the fuck up!

This just seems like it should be easy,

alright fine I'll beg for my life.

Uh, guys, guys, please, if you let me go,

I promise you,

I will kill everyone you love.

Let's do this together.

Yeah, okay, okay.

Yeah let's do this.

On three.

One, two.

Three.

Ahhh!

I'm so glad you didn't pull the trigger.

I'm fucking shaking.

Stop, stop!

Where you going?

I'm leaving. You're not going to shoot me, I'm going

No you're going to stay right there

or I'm going to, I'm going to fucking shoo-

Wha-wha-wha you're going to,

you're going to shoot me is that right?

So just shoot me.

I got this.

He's got this. Over here.

Let him do it.

Shit.

Safety's on.

How do I turn it off?

There's a button on the side.

Shit.

Damnit.

Hey are you crying?

Oh man.

All these emotions are happening at once you know?

Then use it Ray.

I'm supposed to be a fucking superhero Kenneth,

now look at me.

You know what I see?

I see a new man who has given his life purpose.

He's gone from watching superheroes to...

Being a superhero!

It's not funny, shut up.

You are a hero Ray.

Now it's my turn to step up.

It's time for me to be this hero, this city needs.

I'm doing this for the good people of Philadelphia.

Going to be a hero huh?

Too bad you're not going to be around to find out.

See? Anyone can be a killer.

It's in our nature.

Holy fuck!

Grab my hand!

My hands are tied asshole!

We should go after him.

No I'm a terrible swimmer.

Weren't you a lifeguard?

Yeah, in 8th grade.

Oh man, is this on us?

Are we murderers?

You know, if you ask me,

the city needs to take these docks down.

- They're a real death trap. - They're in rough shape.

They're bad. Look at over there.

Yeah, they're all banged up.

Guy just fell.

How are we going to explain this to people?

They're going to ask about Gary.

I got this

Got a stab wound, sir.

Sir.

Sir. You okay?

Stop moving, stop moving.

Sir. You okay?

Sir, stop moving, stop moving!

What the fuck?

You racist piece of shit.

Wow, you don't look so good.

Monkey!

Hey, it's just me.

Last night was crazy.

But that's over.

The Schuylkill Strangler is done.

Now I can give up crime fighting,

and from here on out, I am all yours.

If you come any closer, I will scream.

Kate, what's wrong?

Have you been running around the city

dressed as a superhero?

Hero is a strong.

I have been fighting crime in order to stop...

And did you invite a serial killer

into my apartment and use me as bait.

- Well, - Yes or no?

- Technically - Yes or no?

- Yes. - Why?

So you could have the story

you said you wanted it so bad, so I thought...

Asshole!

I wanted to report the story,

not be the fucking story.

And where is he now?

He's in a place where he'll never hurt anyone ever again.

So now, you're a killer too?

No of course not, technically he killed himself so-

If you ever come near me again,

I'll make your life a living hell!

Are you breaking up with me?

Leave!

I demand you stay with me

- Leave! - Okay,

but you might want to rethink this a bit.

Get out!

Do you still want the monkey?

No I don't want the fucking monkey,

the last thing I could think about is the fucking monkey

you fucking human now get the fuck out!

I don't think you're being rational alright?

There's a lot of emotions going on.

If you don't leave immediately, I will send your ass to jail!

Gary's still in surgery.

Nurse is supposed to come out in a bit with an update.

How'd it go with Kate?

She dumped me.

You're better off.

How's that?

You're a superhero now Kenneth.

Everyone you love from now on will be in danger.

Plus, she was so boring.

Like super boring. She sucked.

The downfall of being a public servant.

How is he?

It's still touch and go.

He might not make it.

He's going to be in surgery for hours

so it's best if you save your strength now

and come back in the morning.

Can you give him this?

In case he wakes up and we're not here.

Of course.

The doctors said one thing though.

Your friend, who was completely unconscious mind you,

he was smiling the entire time

with a full erection as was being operated on.

It took two residents to strap it down

so it didn't get in the way.

I've been in many surgeries,

and that was fucking weird.

His grandfather would be proud.

She seemed weird about it.

Yeah.

Hey, I've said it before and I'll say it again,

Rocky's statue should be inside the museum.

And now for a chilling story in the hot Miami heat,

we turn to Kate Astin who's on a special assignment.

These beautiful houses on sorority row

may house the future leaders of America,

but for the third time in that many months,

what people are calling the Sorority Row Stalker

has attacked multiple girls along the Florida coast.

Will he strike again?

Hopefully not, but the police are working frantically

to solve this case.

I know what you're thinking.

That we kissed in our sleep last night?

What?

Uh.

Oh, it's 81 degrees in Miami.

Sorority Girls.

You guys here about Miami?

I got a full tank of gas, a fresh shit bag and a

and a tasteful two story condo in south beach.

Let's do this shit.

Yeah!

Alright yeah!

Actually took a lot of energy

doing that in the first place so,

Alright, South Beach!

God.

Shouldn't have run in here but I was really pumped.

Ah, I was really excited.

Okay.

Alright let's go to South Beach!

One step at a time. Let's go yeah!

Okay, guys wait up!

Whoop.

Lock it up. Lock it up.

Locking it up.

Where are the keys?

Oh my monkey's in the door and...

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