All language subtitles for Uncle.S02E05_English

Here's one, "Door attendant
for a nightclub in
Stoke Newington."

-That's music related.
-Standing in a doorway
in Stokey

isn't really music related,
is it?

All right. How about,
"A mover at a piano factory
in Ealing"?

Look, Suzan,
despite my brawny physique,

you might be surprised to
learn that I'm not much
of a pack mule.

I have a bulging lumbar.

That's not as dirty
as it sounds.

I give up, Mr King.
We've been at this for weeks

and I haven't found a single
job up to your standards.

How about a fighter pilot?
"I feel the need,
the need for..."

A job that doesn't take
years of training
and qualifications.

(MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES)

Have you had
any employment
outside of music?

When I was a teenager
I worked in a cinema
for six months.

That was until the
nacho incident.

Health and safety found some
swimmers in the liquid cheese.

It wasn't me, but I took
the bullet 'cause I'm
a team player.

And then I've just been
working at Carpet Brothers
for the last year.

That was until I got myself
intentionally fired.

-And why would you do that?
-Severance, duh!

Wait, this is
confidential right?
Like a doctor-patient thing?

Hello, Mr Calcite.

Looking very handsome today.

Who's touched my minerals?

-What's up, sailor?
-Hi, Roly.

They were all organised
alphabetically

and now opal's
in fluorite's place.
It's mayhem!

Are you sure you didn't
move them by mistake?

Mistake? Me? Mistake?

I, um, might have moved
them accidentally while
I was cleaning.

-You cleaned my room?
-Sweetheart, would you
give us a minute?

-Roly, listen...
-How long is she staying?

Roly, you have to face it,
she's living with us now.

And please stop calling
her "she". Veronica's
only trying to help.

Well, I found Helpful
Veronica's super-plus tampons

-in the bathroom
three weeks ago.
-So...

So by my calculations,
she's ovulating.

Therefore, I highly suggest
that you use a prophylactic.

You wouldn't want
any mistakes.

Andy, we need to talk.

George, I can't talk now.
Got a conference
call with Berlin.

You're nearly three
months late.

That explains the bloating
and the morning sickness.

-First trimesters, eh?
-I want my rent, Andy.

-How about I pay you
in guitar lessons?
-Hate guitar.

Fine. How about this, then?

Are you bribing me
with drugs?

That depends, is it working?

Fine. But I want my money ASAP
or you're out.

-(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)
-Cool stuff.

-Yep?
-Hey, Andy. It's Ben.

Shit. Did Roly tell you
about the shoplifting?

-He made me do it.
-What shoplifting?

(LAUGHING)

Gotcha!

Ah...

-How can I help?
-Listen, can you take care
of Roly this weekend?

-Andy?
-Sorry, I was just checking to
see if hell had frozen over.

I can't believe
I'm asking this either.

And don't tell Sam this.
Um...

He's having a few teething
problems with Veronica.

He could use some outside
perspective.

You know, you could do
your "cool uncle" thing.

So, you're pawning off
your kid's problems on
cool Uncle Andy?

-Forget it. This was
a bad idea.
-No, no, no, no! No, Ben, Ben.

I'll do it, on one condition.

I'm not paying you.

I don't want you to pay me!

But will you pay my rent?

I'll pay for dinner.
Now, come pick him up.

And, Andy, remember,
don't tell Sam.

You have my word.

Ben's making me
look after Errol this weekend

'cause he can't stop fighting
with Veronica!

-Hello?
-Has Mum called you yet?

No. She's not going to visit,
is she?

Do I have to stock up on
Sambuca and unfiltered Camels?

No. Uncle Frank's dying.
Stage 4. It's in his lungs.

Huh.

Oddly...

I don't give a shit.

Thank God it's not just me.
I thought I was
a horrible person.

-Is he in hospital?
-No. He's at his cabin.
He's got days, apparently.

-You're not planning
on visiting him, are you?
-Fuck, no.

I'm supposed to be
working on my dissertation.

But so far, I have spent
three hours on my
Pinterest page

for my imaginary
horse sanctuary.

That miserable bastard can
die alone.

He taught me how
to skin joints for
him when I was six.

Tiny hands make great
special smokes.

Do you remember how
he used to call
you shit brains?

-No?
-"Shit brains!"

I swear, if he left us
anything in his will,
I wouldn't take it.

I don't want
his blood money.

How much blood money
are we talking about exactly?

I remember hearing he made
a few hundred grand
in insurance

after his strip club
burnt down.

So, what are you doing today?

-Get in!
-She touched my minerals!

The next thing you know,
she's gonna be using my
laminator or my embosser!

What does Dad see in her?

Wait, where are we going?

I thought we were
going to your place.

-We're going to visit
Uncle Frank.
-Who?

Me and your mum's uncle.
You know,
your Grandma Jane's brother.

Oh. I never knew
I had a great uncle.

Trust me, he's not that great.

He kind of dropped off the map
when he went to prison

for stealing dialysis
machines.

I think he tried to sell one
to Osama bin Laden.

Well, this is great!
He'll know how to
handle Veronica.

I've been looking for
a wise old mentor.

I thought I was your mentor!

-I said "wise", didn't I?
-Good luck with that.
He hates kids.

I remember
when we were playing
hide-and-seek,

he'd make me hide
in the tumble dryer.

Why are we going
to visit him, then?

Because I'm late
on my rent

and he's about
to croak and...

I need to check if
I'm in his will.
(CLEARS THROAT)

You're taking advantage
of a dying man?
That's disgusting.

Tumble dryer! Yeah?

What would you say
if I told you that

he used to steal
my minerals,

grind them up
and snort them
for breakfast?

Well, I'd say step on it.

Never seen a dying
person before.

Don't worry.

Just try and imagine him
with a clown's nose.

You want me to imagine
a dying clown?

Hello?

Uncle Frank?

Uncle Frank?

ERROL: Is he dead?

I don't know. Check his pulse.

Ugh, I don't touch
raw chicken.

I'm not going to touch
some dead guy.

He's not some dead guy,
he's Frank.

Now, show some respect
and check your dead
uncle's pulse.

(GUN SHAFT CLICKS)

Who are you?

-Hello, Frank. It's your
nephew, Andy.
-I haven't got a nephew.

And if I did, he wouldn't
look like a Big Issue seller.

Now, I'm going to
count to three

and you and the skinny girl
better be gone by two.

-One...
-This is Errol, Sam's son.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
You have a lovely home.

-Two...
-I'm too young to die!

I haven't seen
a solar eclipse.

-Bang!
-Ah!

(LAUGHING)

Got you, shit brains!

It's not loaded.

Think I can't remember my own
sister's loser kid?

Make yourself at home.

Can I get you anything?
Whisky? Bourbon?

How about a nice chamomile,
perhaps?

Just pretend he's not here.

Why are you here, shit brains?

-I heard you were dying.
-I'm not dying.

Nothing a good steak
and a Lemsip won't sort out.

Just came to see
if I could do
anything to help?

I haven't seen you
for 15 years.
How are you going to help?

I'm a great caregiver.

I once kept a whole tank
of sea monkeys alive
for almost a year.

Just pretend he isn't here.

(COUGHS)

Shouldn't you be in
a hospital, Uncle Frank?

Those pricks,
they don't want to cure you.

They want to keep you
nice and sick

so you can line the drug
companies' pockets.

Plus, I was banned,
groping a nurse.

What is the NHS coming to, eh?

That's Rasputin, the meanest
fighting cock you've
ever seen.

50 fights, undefeated.

Oh, he's the light of my life.

Anyway. Nice of you to pop in.

You can both piss off now.
Antiques Roadshow's
about to start.

All right, fine. We'll leave.

It's just a shame to let all
these go to waste.

There might be a little
something you can do
round the house.

No!

You can have these
when we're finished.

First, how can I help?

-You could do the dishes.
-Errol, adults are talking.

Kid's right. Do my dishes.

Why don't we go to the cinema
after this, Uncle Frank?

-They say laughter
is the best medicine.
-Shut up.

Trying to find out how
much this porcelain
chamber pot's worth.

ERROL: Should you be
smoking in your condition,
Uncle Frank?

They're his lungs.
He can do what he likes.

Do you know who
you remind me of?

A young Brian Cox?
The physicist, not the actor.

He's a cox, all right.

You remind me of Helmet Harry.
We was in the
Falklands together.

He was built like an anorexic
flamingo and all.

I didn't know you
were in the Falklands,
Uncle Frank.

You didn't know
your dick was

attached to your balls.

Anyway, he was obsessed with
keeping his helmet spotless.

If he got anything
on his helmet,

Harry'd be polishing
away like that,
bullets whistling by.

-(CHUCKLES)
-What happened to him?

Got his head shot off,
didn't he? Mid-polish.

Great funeral, though.

Ooh. His mum gave my helmet
a little bit of a polish
and all, son.

(LAUGHING)

Nice one, Frank, you ledge.

Here, have a look
at the shrapnel
they pulled out of my arse.

I'd, uh, love to.

-What are you doing?
-I'm learning about
the older generation.

It's like the History Channel,
but with less Hitler
and more swearing.

Ask Frank if I'm in his will.

No. No, we've got
too much in common.
We both love antiques.

-You like collecting
farts in a jar.
-Jesus, that was once!

You ask him.
Just be upfront with him.

I think he responds
to blunt honesty.

-I can't ask him that.
-You're terrified of him,
aren't you?

-Yeah, right.
-FRANK: Oi!

Get your arse in here, Errol.

Ask him.

This little bastard
was an inch away
from paralysing me.

Cool.

-What type of mineral is that?
-That's a kidney stone.

It was like passing a meteor
through a bendy straw.

Here. It's yours.

Shouldn't you leave it
in your will

to the Imperial War Museum
or something?

I'd never write a will.

Two things in this life you
never trust, cats and banks.

That's why I buried all my
money out in the garden.

ERROL: How do you remember
where you put it?

I got a map...
Like Long John Silver.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Came with the frame.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Um, just looking
for the bathroom.

-Hello? Oh, you've
got company?
-FRANK: Janice.

This is my shit-brained
nephew and this is my...
My great-nephew, Errol.

Hi there, boys.
Frank, I brought you
some shepherd's pie.

Oh! I love pie.

Janice runs the sheep farm
next door with her husband.

I do the cooking,
he does the humping
and lumping.

Don't sell yourself short,
Janice.
You do plenty of humping.

Oh, Frank!

Oh, Frank! Oh!

Ooh! Frank! Ooh!

That's the most disturbing
noise I've ever heard,

and I've heard foxes mate.

We need to find that map.

So, now you want to steal?
Frank doesn't deserve that.

Did it never occur to you
that maybe he
doesn't hate kids?

Maybe he just hates you?

Just keep a lookout for me.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

What is it?

-You haven't responded
to my Candy Crush invite.
-What?

I can't unlock the next level
until you accept my invite.

I swear I will start on
my dissertation
right after that.

Oh! I love that
shepherd's pie!

ERROL: She can do what
she likes anywhere else
in the house,

but just stay out of my room
and keep your claws
off my minerals.

-You know
what you want to do?
-Get a life?

Write her a stern letter.

Shave her hair off.

What? You mean,
like, metaphorically?

Use scissors or a razor
or whatever you've got.

That's what I did
when a bloke tried it on
with me in the nick.

I mean, I'm not one to turn
down a free Billy Joel,

don't get me wrong,
but he was too ugly
for radio.

You're like a real-life
Shawshank Redemption,
aren't you?

-Did he leave you
alone after that?
-Nah!

Got beaten to a pulp,
spent three months
in the prison hospital.

Still can't shit right.

But I stood up for myself.

Fill it up.

And don't forget the kid.

Oh.

-He doesn't drink.
-No, no. I'll have a little.

Not after what happened
last time.
Your folks would kill me.

What happened?
Did you go on a bender?
(CHUCKLES)

No, he...

Doesn't matter,
the answer's no.

You look like
you could do with a refill,
Uncle Frank.

Shall I get you
another bottle?

That's the best idea
you've had all day,
shit brains.

Shit brains to the rescue.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

So, who's the girl, then?

Girl?

You said it came with the
frame but they don't put
Polaroids in frames.

Uh-huh.

That's Maggie, my daughter.

ERROL: Do you see her much?

No. I ain't seen her
since she was little.

Did a little bit of digging
recently, though,

and turns out she works
in Southend Hospital.

She's a maternity nurse.

I spent all my life running.
Turns out she works
40 minutes away.

Somebody up there's
got a sick
sense of humour, kid.

Oi! What's keeping you,
shit brains?

Would you like bottle service
at your table, sir?

Depends... When you've done
looking for my map.

Wait! Me and Uncle Frank
were just starting to bond.

He was teaching me how to
deal with Veronica,

-and, who knows, maybe even
the meaning of life!
-The meaning of life is

don't get killed by
a psychotic criminal who's
high on pure oxygen.

Wait, you can't
drink and drive.

Watch me.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no! Come on!

FRANK: Leaving so soon?

I was about to pop a frozen
pizza into the oven.

ANDY:
All right, then. Thanks. Bye.

They can't fix the car
till tomorrow.

Are you going to ask?

Ask what?

If you can stay the night.

Well, can we?

Yeah.

But if either of you
touch my vintage
porn collection,

I'll cut your tits off.

This sofa pulls down
into a bed.

Don't worry about the stain
on the mattress.

Little bit of shepherd's pie.

Oh, no.

I am destined to live
a life of poverty.

I will never be able to afford
my own Flying V guitar,

handmade boots, my own bidet.

You just need to
pay your rent.

Why don't you ask Frank
for a loan?

Frank's not going to
give me a loan!

He's never done anything
nice for me. Why is he
gonna start now?

Well, have you ever done
anything nice for him?

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(EXHALES)

Nothing quite like the first
piss of the day, lads.

What are you two looking
so happy about?

You ain't found my stash
of magic mushrooms,
have you?

No. But we have invited
someone magical over.

-Who?
-ANDY: Drum roll...

BOTH: Maggie!

I think he just needs some
time to process.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

Hello? What are you
doing up?

I just bought a superfood
nutrition extractor,
aka the NutriBullet.

-What?
-Okay, it's basically just
a juicer but it's amazing

and it's really easy to clean,
which is great 'cause

when I'm working on my
dissertation, I'm not gonna
have time for the dishes.

FRANK: Motherfucker!

-Who was that?
-(DOOR SLAMS)

-Frank.
-You took Roly to meet
Uncle Frank?

-Sam...
-(HANG-UP TONE)

Sam?

Wait, Frank!

Shit, Frank!

You better contact Maggie
right now and un-invite her.

I'm sorry, we just thought...

You? Who gave you permission
to think, shit brains?

-Okay, okay! I'll phone her!
-It's too late.

ANDY: Hi, there.

I'm your cousin Andy.
This is my nephew Errol.

-Yes, it's a stupid name.
-How was the drive?

Just a trip
down the motorway.

-Thank God for Radio 4.
-Oh, I love Radio 4.

Especially Woman's Hour.

Did you hear the episode
with Hillary Clinton?

Would you like a drink?

There's no chamomile.

Um... I'm all right, thanks.
I don't...

Hi.

What's going on?
You told me

he was dead
and you needed me
to identify the body?

-You said I was dead?
-He said you dropped
a radio in the bath.

A radio? That'd never work.

Well, it could work.
Hypothetically.

-I can't do this.
-No, no, Maggie, wait!

"Dear Maggie,
happy eighth birthday.

"I'm sorry I can't
visit this year.

"I know I promised,
but something's come up."

Where'd you get that?
You give that back.

"I got your cards
and I know you miss me,

"but just 'cause you love
a thing don't make
it good for you.

"Like sniffing glue.
Have a nice life.
Love, Frank."

But you never posted this
letter, did you, Frank?

You had no right
to go through my stuff.

Frank, stop.

Have you seen Frank's
vintage porn collection?

Or his cock?

Look, Maggie, it was nothing
against you, the whole
losing touch thing.

MAGGIE: Losing touch?
Is that what you call it?

I think that's called
deserting, Frank.

Pot-ae-to, pot-a-to.

You were better
off without me.

You left me with
a crazy person.

Mum blamed me for
you abandoning us.
And you know what?

The whole thing would have
been almost bearable

with a phone call
once in a while.

In Frank's defence, there is
hardly any reception up here.

Yeah, I mean,
I've only got one bar.

You've avoided responsibility
your whole life

and now I'm supposed
to forgive you
because you're dying?

I've been telling people
you were dead for years.

Makes it easier
when my son asks questions.

You have a son?

Grandpa Frank.
That's got a nice ring to it.

I can't do this.

What did you guys think was
going to happen?

Frank and I would make up
for lost time

and I'd whisper,
"I love you, Daddy"?

You don't have to whisper
if you don't want to.

All right, let's start over!

Frank, how about you say,
"Hello, Maggie,

"it's nice to see you after
all these years."

And, Maggie, how about
you say, "Frank..."

-You piece of shit,
I'll kill you!
-Sam?

You had no right bringing
Roly here!

I never wanted him
to meet Uncle Frank.

-How did you get here
so quickly?
-I speeded.

-Mum, no!
-Yes.
Errol, get in the car now!

-Sorry, who are you?
-I'm Frank's estranged
daughter, Maggie.

I'm Frank's estranged
niece, Sam. Hi.

What did I do
to piss you off?

Really? Nothing comes to mind?

What? I hit you once?

Wow! Huh.

You are a piece
of work, Frank.

Good luck with the dying.

-Nice to meet you.
-Bye.

Who wants some tea?

It was all fine
till you idiots showed up.

You think I don't know why
you're here?

There is no map.

You want some money?

Then stop avoiding a hard
day's work and go
out and earn it.

Avoiding?

You're the one that's
hiding in a cabin in the
woods like Bigfoot.

Face it, Frank,
you're going to die.

FRANK: You know what?

It's people like you,
make me wish that
cancer was contagious.

What are you
looking at, you?

You never seen
a monster before, son?

-You're not a monster.
-What would you know?

You're too busy worrying
about your precious minerals!

They're just rocks!

You want to know
how to handle
your dad's girlfriend?

Get some rocks of your own,
you whiny little shit!

-Now, you get out.
-It's not even loaded.

(GUN COCKS)

Get out!

He can't get away with this.

No, Sam!

Stay here.

(FRANK CHOKING)

(WHEEZES)

Chest pains started
a couple of months ago.

I thought it was an old
fighting injury acting up.

Then came the cough.

(SIGHS)

Lungs like a puddle of mud.

I tried putting it
off until, uh...

Till I passed out at
the race track.

Woke up in hospital,
shot through with needles.

Doctors said I have a week
to live, tops.

That was a week ago.

I thought you were banned
for groping a nurse?

No, that's just me
building up my rep, kid.

They begged me to stay,
but I wanted
to enjoy my last few hours.

That was before you
lot showed up.

Look, Frank, the hospital
has grade-A pain meds...

If you went back,
you wouldn't have
to be alone.

We could
keep you company,
you know, until...

(FRANK COUGHS)

No, that's not my speed.

Plus...

They don't have lovely
shepherd's pie
in the hospital.

Look,

there's one thing you can
do for me before you go.

You dug your own grave.

Who else was going to do it?

SAM:
It's a bit morbid, isn't it?

Of course it's morbid,
it's a fucking grave.

I bet the Council
won't approve of this.

Right. Who's first up?
And... And no sugar-coating.

Um...

There are over 4,000
different types of officially
recognised minerals.

Some people may ask,
"Errol, what's your
favourite type of mineral?"

-Nobody ever asks that.
-ERROL: The point isn't what

my favourite
type of mineral is...

Kyanite, by the way.

It's about how each mineral
has its own qualities.

And if I had to say which
mineral best represents
Uncle Frank,

I'd say... Cinnabar.

Known for its vibrant
red colour.
Also known as dragon's blood.

Unfortunately, cinnabar,
aka mercury sulphide,

is the most toxic
mineral on earth.

And that's how I'll remember
Uncle Frank,

as someone
who caught the eye

but if you stayed
with him too long,
he'd kill you.

Hmm.

(CHUCKLES)

Samantha?

I'm not saying
I want Uncle Frank
to go to hell,

just somewhere
he'd really hate,

like an aquarium filled with
hundreds of kids
on a school trip

for all eternity.

I'm going to miss him,

the way you miss that
feeling just after you've
thrown up when you...

When you still
feel sick but...

But you're relieved
the worst is over.

Mmm.

You're up, shit brains.

Uncle Frank...

In a family of black sheep,
you were by far the blackest.

And, coming from me,
that is high praise indeed.

And I confess,
I only came here to see
if you could pay my rent.

But I learned something,
life isn't all about rent.

It's about shooting guns
and watching panel shows.

Relationships are overrated,
anyway.

Who cares if you take
loads of drugs?

People are just jealous
you're having a better
time than them.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is...

You caused a trail
of destruction
that can never be fixed.

But at least you
did it your way...

You miserable prick.

PS, stop calling
me shit brains,
it doesn't help my confidence.

Thank you, shit brains.

It's my turn.

Frank,

you dead piece of shit.

Look at all the things
you've done in your life,

like when
you mugged a priest.

Or when you tried to sell
dead people's teeth
to the Russians.

Or that night you spent
with Dirty Carla.

Ooh. She made the back
of a Skoda feel like
a night in the Dorchester.

But if there is anything
to learn from all this,

it's don't mix coke
and heroin,

it makes your chest
feel like it's bursting

and caving in at
the same time.

And, uh...

I'm sorry.

For everything.

And remember, always take
the piss out of life

before life takes the piss
out of you.

(FRANK CHUCKLES)

Well, it was, uh, really
interesting coming to meet
you, Uncle Frank,

and, um, I'll take your advice
and stay firm with
my ground rules.

On behalf of the family,
thank you for your service
in the Falklands.

What are you talking about?
He was never
in the Falklands.

-What about the shrapnel?
-I got that off my bookie

after he tried to blow me up
in a Ford Granada.

That's still pretty cool.
Maybe we can visit again.

-I'll bring my own
chamomile next time.
-Sounds good.

If you're interested,
I'd love to interview you
for my dissertation.

-What's it about?
-Antisocial Personality
Disorder.

Bye, Frank.

Deal's a deal.

Well, you do have
your uses, shit brains.

That I do, cancer man.

Look...

I'm sorry I tried
to rip you off.

Nothing I wouldn't
have done, kid.

Maybe you are a chip
off the old block, eh?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(COUGHS)

(MOBILE CHIMES)

A girl I've been avoiding.

You fancy her?

It's complicated.

Any pearls?

Don't try anal
on the first date.
They don't like it.

I'll keep that in mind.

-What's that?
-It's the map.

I want you to give it to
Maggie when I kick it.

Will you do that for me?

Yeah, you have my word.

No peeking.

And don't worry,
I'll leave you something
valuable...

My porn collection.

Bye, Uncle Frank.

Bye, shit b...

Andy.

Go on, fuck off.
Bargain Hunt's about to start.

(MOBILE CHIMES)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)