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It is time for the Eighth Annual
2
00:00:03,281 --> 00:00:06,242
Sophie Nairobi Cooper
"Explosion of Riddles"
3
00:00:06,312 --> 00:00:08,284
Birthday Scavenger Hunt!
4
00:00:08,353 --> 00:00:11,821
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da ♪
5
00:00:13,015 --> 00:00:15,215
Did you just double-blindfold me
6
00:00:15,284 --> 00:00:17,751
- to walk me from my room to here?
- Correct.
7
00:00:17,820 --> 00:00:20,020
I already told you what I wanted
for my birthday this year.
8
00:00:20,072 --> 00:00:21,955
Wrong. You're not getting
your ears pierced
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00:00:22,041 --> 00:00:24,024
- until you're 11.
- If I can't get my ears pierced,
10
00:00:24,093 --> 00:00:26,460
- I'd love a non-babyish birthday...
- Mm-hmm.
11
00:00:26,528 --> 00:00:28,995
...like maybe an intimate
luncheon with friends,
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00:00:29,098 --> 00:00:31,965
like Sir Bridger and Lady Agnes'
Boxing Day party.
13
00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:33,934
I've been trying to get through
this "Sir Bridger" series
14
00:00:34,003 --> 00:00:36,403
for, like, months now,
'cause there's 40 seasons,
15
00:00:36,472 --> 00:00:37,971
and every season is three episodes,
16
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:39,423
and every episode's four hours long.
17
00:00:39,508 --> 00:00:42,376
And the only way to see it
is to donate $300 to PBS.
18
00:00:42,444 --> 00:00:45,112
Well, I promise you will get the
old British lady birthday party
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00:00:45,180 --> 00:00:48,148
of your dreams
after you solve... this clue.
20
00:00:49,368 --> 00:00:51,885
"It's your birthday
and the fun won't stop.
21
00:00:51,987 --> 00:00:54,755
To get the next clue, you must... pop!"
22
00:00:59,411 --> 00:01:00,444
Oooh!
23
00:01:00,529 --> 00:01:02,529
Diversion, or a clue?
24
00:01:02,631 --> 00:01:04,464
Uh, not part of the hunt.
25
00:01:06,702 --> 00:01:09,403
- Mom?!
- Happy birthday, baby!
26
00:01:09,471 --> 00:01:13,140
Best scavenger hunt ever!
27
00:01:13,242 --> 00:01:15,225
Not part of the hunt.
28
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29
00:01:22,317 --> 00:01:23,316
She's here.
30
00:01:23,402 --> 00:01:26,153
She's here! She's here! She's here!
31
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Is that... Oh, my God. It's happening.
32
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We're meeting Will's ex-wife.
33
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- Oh, my God.
- Impressive.
34
00:01:30,659 --> 00:01:31,908
It's Big Ol' Sophie!
35
00:01:31,994 --> 00:01:33,577
Do I call her "Mrs. Cooper" or "Mom"?
36
00:01:33,662 --> 00:01:37,330
Hey, guys, this is my...
this... Sophie's mom, Mia.
37
00:01:37,416 --> 00:01:40,167
Hello. It's so wonderful
to meet all of you.
38
00:01:40,252 --> 00:01:42,552
I've heard so much about you
from Sophie.
39
00:01:42,671 --> 00:01:46,339
You must be Douglas.
What a wonderful face.
40
00:01:46,425 --> 00:01:48,892
And Miggy... so wise beneath that hat.
41
00:01:49,011 --> 00:01:51,595
Poppy, I feel very close to you.
42
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,930
- Oh.
- And, Angie, wow,
43
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I pictured you taller, but, you know,
44
00:01:55,851 --> 00:01:57,851
I feel so connected to all of you,
45
00:01:57,936 --> 00:02:00,353
and I hope that you'll feel
connected to me, too.
46
00:02:00,439 --> 00:02:02,689
This world can be such a hard place,
47
00:02:02,775 --> 00:02:04,691
which is why it's so important
48
00:02:04,777 --> 00:02:08,695
that we seek out love and hold
onto it when we find it.
49
00:02:08,781 --> 00:02:10,947
Don't you think?
50
00:02:11,033 --> 00:02:12,949
Oh. Wow.
51
00:02:13,035 --> 00:02:14,367
Never leave us.
52
00:02:14,452 --> 00:02:17,825
You know, this has been fun,
but you should probably get
53
00:02:17,878 --> 00:02:19,028
- into Sophie's classroom before she...
- Oh, you know what?
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00:02:19,069 --> 00:02:20,541
- I have gifts for all of you.
- Okay.
55
00:02:20,542 --> 00:02:24,377
After I won a case restricting
slash-and-burn agriculture
56
00:02:24,463 --> 00:02:27,580
in Ghana, I was thanked
with these sculptures.
57
00:02:27,683 --> 00:02:31,040
I started thinking of these
little guys as my companions.
58
00:02:31,102 --> 00:02:34,955
I now give my old friends
to my new friends.
59
00:02:35,057 --> 00:02:37,224
- I feel like I'm crying.
- Get a hold of yourself.
60
00:02:37,309 --> 00:02:39,617
You know, I should go check out
Sophie's classroom.
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00:02:39,695 --> 00:02:42,095
- I just said that.
- It'll be so nice to see one
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that I didn't have to build by hand.
63
00:02:44,086 --> 00:02:46,015
It's a good classroom.
64
00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:48,318
You'll enjoy it. Sophie will
love having you in there.
65
00:02:48,403 --> 00:02:50,470
Okay, so your ex-wife is,
like, a really good person.
66
00:02:50,572 --> 00:02:52,973
- Yeah, she's incredible.
- She's better than Ariana Grande.
67
00:02:53,075 --> 00:02:55,509
- Solid seven.
- I know. She's unbelievable.
68
00:02:55,577 --> 00:02:57,077
- And she's driving me crazy.
- Oof.
69
00:02:57,179 --> 00:02:58,295
Co-parenting.
70
00:02:58,380 --> 00:03:00,614
Two people trying to walk
the same dog with one leash.
71
00:03:00,649 --> 00:03:02,699
And I'm sorry for calling your
daughter a dog in that metaphor,
72
00:03:02,818 --> 00:03:03,867
- but you get it.
- I forgive you.
73
00:03:03,986 --> 00:03:05,519
You know what you need?
Girls' night at Angie's.
74
00:03:05,621 --> 00:03:06,820
- Right, Poppy?
- Oh, yeah.
75
00:03:06,905 --> 00:03:08,054
When I was in the thick of it with Ron,
76
00:03:08,106 --> 00:03:09,856
Angie threw a girls' night
that saved my life.
77
00:03:09,925 --> 00:03:11,157
- Aww.
- You know, I'm always curious to know
78
00:03:11,210 --> 00:03:13,126
what goes on during
these "girls' nights."
79
00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:15,228
What do you do, like, eat yogurt
and tickle each other?
80
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,230
- Mm-hmm, yeah, that's exactly what we do.
- Yeah. That's right.
81
00:03:17,299 --> 00:03:18,464
Come on, man.
82
00:03:18,567 --> 00:03:19,766
So, your mom's in town?
83
00:03:19,818 --> 00:03:21,635
- How are you holding up?
- Great.
84
00:03:21,703 --> 00:03:23,203
- I love when she's here.
- Okay.
85
00:03:23,255 --> 00:03:25,338
Well, if you need any advice
about how to handle
86
00:03:25,390 --> 00:03:26,973
the two-parent struggle, let me know.
87
00:03:27,075 --> 00:03:29,109
I get so full from
back-to-back Thanksgivings
88
00:03:29,161 --> 00:03:30,911
that I've been driven
to drawstring pants.
89
00:03:30,979 --> 00:03:33,246
It's not like I want my parents
to get back together or anything.
90
00:03:33,315 --> 00:03:36,216
I don't even have any memories
of them being together.
91
00:03:36,285 --> 00:03:38,585
For real? Not even one?
92
00:03:38,670 --> 00:03:42,189
Actually, I remember once
when we went to a pizza place
93
00:03:42,274 --> 00:03:45,659
and we some took photos in one
of those old-timey photo booths.
94
00:03:45,761 --> 00:03:46,860
It was so fun.
95
00:03:46,962 --> 00:03:50,363
Did you know that photos
could be on paper?
96
00:03:50,465 --> 00:03:52,498
- What?
- It's insane.
97
00:03:53,602 --> 00:03:54,559
Dropping off.
98
00:03:54,603 --> 00:03:55,969
Emma and Amy are in your front yard
99
00:03:56,071 --> 00:03:57,403
throwing rocks at each other.
100
00:03:57,506 --> 00:03:59,039
Have a nice time.
101
00:03:59,124 --> 00:04:01,241
Wait a second.
Is this what I think it is?
102
00:04:01,343 --> 00:04:03,193
Yep, I'm giving away my stuff.
103
00:04:03,312 --> 00:04:06,279
Yeah. Sophie's mom
did a real number on him.
104
00:04:06,381 --> 00:04:07,514
She's doing so much for the world.
105
00:04:07,599 --> 00:04:09,149
And what am I doing?
106
00:04:09,234 --> 00:04:11,101
Actually, I did make a sequel
to my music video
107
00:04:11,186 --> 00:04:12,586
and it came out pretty dope.
108
00:04:12,671 --> 00:04:16,189
"Mystery Señorita: Sexy Christmas."
109
00:04:16,291 --> 00:04:17,791
I held a boom for nine hours.
110
00:04:17,826 --> 00:04:20,227
Listen. I have a policy
that's served me well...
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00:04:20,262 --> 00:04:23,563
never give away anything unless
you're getting something back.
112
00:04:23,599 --> 00:04:26,333
The only reason I clothe
and feed Emma and Amy
113
00:04:26,401 --> 00:04:29,002
is so they'll put me in a home
with a decent pool.
114
00:04:29,104 --> 00:04:31,687
The man didn't get where he is
by giving bad advice.
115
00:04:31,750 --> 00:04:33,848
- Word.
- Nobody likes a kiss ass.
116
00:04:33,909 --> 00:04:35,308
Not in the head, Amy!
117
00:04:35,410 --> 00:04:37,277
I still can't shake this feeling, G.
118
00:04:37,329 --> 00:04:41,014
- I have more stuff than I need.
- Yeah. You're just one guy.
119
00:04:41,099 --> 00:04:43,216
And that's a buttload of orange soda.
120
00:04:43,318 --> 00:04:45,785
You're right. The soda goes in the box!
121
00:04:50,525 --> 00:04:52,436
Dude, that felt good. Try it.
122
00:04:52,507 --> 00:04:54,027
Okay, pencil case.
123
00:04:54,129 --> 00:04:56,329
Our time together has come to an end.
124
00:04:56,431 --> 00:04:57,797
Mm.
125
00:04:59,484 --> 00:05:02,035
- Giving feels good!
- Yeah.
126
00:05:02,137 --> 00:05:04,571
It's like putting on socks
that just came out of the dryer.
127
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,456
Hella toasty. Let's go even harder.
128
00:05:06,541 --> 00:05:08,642
Let's give away stuff
we really care about.
129
00:05:08,710 --> 00:05:10,927
I'm gonna give Mr. Roar
to Sophie for her birthday.
130
00:05:11,046 --> 00:05:14,197
Whoa. Okay. I see your Mr. Roar,
131
00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:17,517
and I raise you
my most prized possession.
132
00:05:17,619 --> 00:05:19,619
My Nike Air Max 90 Corks.
133
00:05:19,688 --> 00:05:22,355
I love these so much,
I got adult baptized in them.
134
00:05:22,457 --> 00:05:24,007
But they're going in!
135
00:05:24,126 --> 00:05:25,959
- We're really good people!
- We really are!
136
00:05:26,061 --> 00:05:28,094
Let's go donate them now before
we change our minds.
137
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:29,843
I'm gonna go put on
some less dope shoes.
138
00:05:29,867 --> 00:05:31,881
Excellent idea. Charity.
139
00:05:33,802 --> 00:05:36,169
- Well, that's done.
- Yep.
140
00:05:38,366 --> 00:05:40,600
The joy of giving lasted five seconds!
141
00:05:40,642 --> 00:05:43,059
What have we done?!
142
00:05:43,178 --> 00:05:46,446
Hey, Mom said I could open
a present a day early.
143
00:05:46,548 --> 00:05:47,914
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
144
00:05:48,016 --> 00:05:50,683
- No way.
- What's wrong? Is the knife too big?
145
00:05:50,728 --> 00:05:51,732
I'm sorry, it's just,
146
00:05:51,756 --> 00:05:52,870
I've seen a 2-year-old
147
00:05:52,904 --> 00:05:55,956
- use a bigger one than that.
- Oh, uh, Sophie, I just remembered.
148
00:05:56,008 --> 00:05:58,424
I think there's a bonus
birthday clue in the kitchen.
149
00:05:58,477 --> 00:05:59,960
Why don't you go try to find it, okay?
150
00:06:00,062 --> 00:06:05,498
I'll fall for that,
but only because I love you.
151
00:06:05,584 --> 00:06:07,667
Hey, look, I'm glad
152
00:06:07,769 --> 00:06:09,853
that you and Sophie are getting
all this time together,
153
00:06:09,938 --> 00:06:11,805
but I have rules for a reason.
154
00:06:11,907 --> 00:06:12,973
What is the reason?
155
00:06:13,041 --> 00:06:15,408
Without rules,
social order falls into chaos.
156
00:06:15,510 --> 00:06:17,877
You used to be, like, a lot more fun.
157
00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:19,646
I mean, what happened to the guy
158
00:06:19,715 --> 00:06:22,282
who took me on a road trip to Oklahoma
159
00:06:22,351 --> 00:06:24,818
so that I could "taste tornado rain"?
160
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,620
Not many people can say they've had...
161
00:06:27,723 --> 00:06:29,189
danger on their tongue.
162
00:06:30,692 --> 00:06:32,993
What is that?
163
00:06:33,095 --> 00:06:34,544
You know you're having
birthday cake tomorrow.
164
00:06:34,663 --> 00:06:37,130
- Mom said I could.
- Okay. Well. FYI...
165
00:06:37,232 --> 00:06:40,050
Sophie has crazy reactions
when she has too much sugar.
166
00:06:40,135 --> 00:06:42,635
I won't even tell you what
happened at Halloween 2015,
167
00:06:42,721 --> 00:06:45,355
but let's just say we are not
invited back to that corn maze.
168
00:06:45,474 --> 00:06:47,673
There's a shortcut if you just
run straight through the corn.
169
00:06:47,776 --> 00:06:49,509
I think we should let her have it.
170
00:06:49,611 --> 00:06:51,844
If a child in one of the most
developed nations in the world
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00:06:51,947 --> 00:06:54,898
has a little extra ice cream,
it's probably okay.
172
00:06:54,983 --> 00:06:57,984
- Right, Sophie-Bear?
- Right. Mmmm.
173
00:06:58,070 --> 00:06:59,345
Good call on putting an extra layer
174
00:06:59,416 --> 00:07:00,466
of gummy worms on the bottom.
175
00:07:00,491 --> 00:07:03,757
So sour! So wormy!
176
00:07:06,995 --> 00:07:08,595
I need a girls' night.
177
00:07:08,714 --> 00:07:10,237
Get in here, bitch.
178
00:07:12,003 --> 00:07:13,573
Welcome to girls' night!
179
00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:15,893
- This is girls' night?
- It is now.
180
00:07:15,979 --> 00:07:17,845
You can take the tape off when...
181
00:07:17,898 --> 00:07:19,468
Angie, you don't have to explain
182
00:07:19,492 --> 00:07:20,647
Edward 40-Hands to me.
183
00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,004
I went to college in South Florida.
184
00:07:22,039 --> 00:07:23,939
Poppy, I'm a little shocked
that this is your scene.
185
00:07:24,049 --> 00:07:25,916
Hey, this is how D'Amato likes it.
186
00:07:25,975 --> 00:07:27,909
- So, Mia's driving you crazy, huh?
- Oof.
187
00:07:28,020 --> 00:07:30,454
Oh, yeah, why did you two
split up, anyway?
188
00:07:30,522 --> 00:07:31,988
Was it your affinity for Dave Matthews?
189
00:07:32,057 --> 00:07:34,407
Ooh, I bet you're really
annoying on vacation, huh?
190
00:07:34,451 --> 00:07:37,452
No. No, it's just,
we've changed, you know?
191
00:07:37,521 --> 00:07:39,254
When Mia and I first got together,
192
00:07:39,322 --> 00:07:41,990
we were always on the go,
and then when we had Sophie,
193
00:07:42,059 --> 00:07:44,192
I wanted to put down roots
and Mia did not.
194
00:07:44,261 --> 00:07:45,660
She hung around for a couple years,
195
00:07:45,729 --> 00:07:49,064
but I-I could see
the life-force in her draining.
196
00:07:49,132 --> 00:07:50,732
Like a fly on the second day.
197
00:07:50,801 --> 00:07:52,967
Okay, is that true? I guess
I don't know that much about flies.
198
00:07:53,070 --> 00:07:55,053
- Girls' night.
- Mia was miserable.
199
00:07:55,138 --> 00:07:58,006
We would fight nonstop,
and then we split.
200
00:07:58,075 --> 00:08:00,241
And now every time I see her
face, all I want to do is yell,
201
00:08:00,343 --> 00:08:01,476
"Give me back my 20s!"
202
00:08:02,412 --> 00:08:03,678
Okay, here's the deal.
203
00:08:03,747 --> 00:08:05,613
You have to take all the emotion
204
00:08:05,715 --> 00:08:07,259
out of your interactions with Mia.
205
00:08:07,306 --> 00:08:09,417
The two of you
are now running a business...
206
00:08:09,486 --> 00:08:11,152
Sophie, Incorporated.
207
00:08:11,221 --> 00:08:13,421
But how am I supposed to take
emotion out of a relationship
208
00:08:13,457 --> 00:08:14,456
where I have so much history?
209
00:08:14,524 --> 00:08:16,724
I mean, I saw Sophie
come out of her body.
210
00:08:16,827 --> 00:08:17,992
And we're gonna circle back to that.
211
00:08:18,078 --> 00:08:19,653
Look, from now on,
212
00:08:19,739 --> 00:08:21,729
you are going to only deal with Mia
213
00:08:21,798 --> 00:08:23,364
on Sophie-related business.
214
00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:26,134
And when you do, you are
going to be cool, professional.
215
00:08:26,236 --> 00:08:27,769
Like Customer Service.
216
00:08:27,871 --> 00:08:29,737
"Yes, ma'am. Just a moment.
217
00:08:29,806 --> 00:08:31,489
Please hold while I dial that extension.
218
00:08:31,608 --> 00:08:33,341
Para español, número dos."
219
00:08:33,443 --> 00:08:36,077
And then all that crazy stuff
that you want to say to Mia,
220
00:08:36,146 --> 00:08:39,481
say to me instead. C'mon, let's try it.
221
00:08:39,548 --> 00:08:41,406
You want me to yell at you like
you're Mia.
222
00:08:41,453 --> 00:08:43,384
Yes! It worked wonders for Poppy
223
00:08:43,436 --> 00:08:45,170
when she was going through
ex hell with Ron. Right, Pops?
224
00:08:45,255 --> 00:08:46,955
She does a shockingly good
Ron impression.
225
00:08:47,057 --> 00:08:49,023
Sometimes I call her
just to hear him apologize.
226
00:08:49,126 --> 00:08:51,292
Okay, um, sure.
227
00:08:51,344 --> 00:08:53,561
- Lead me in.
- I'm Mia.
228
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:55,363
I'm a really good person!
229
00:08:55,415 --> 00:08:58,766
I'm like if Gwyneth Paltrow
had a baby with Gwyneth Paltrow!
230
00:08:58,852 --> 00:09:00,301
Hummus!
231
00:09:00,403 --> 00:09:03,104
Um, you need to respect
my parenting choices.
232
00:09:03,173 --> 00:09:06,474
- I lead a tight ship for a reason.
- More. More.
233
00:09:06,543 --> 00:09:07,876
I love-hate you so hard.
234
00:09:07,944 --> 00:09:09,310
And I have a fantasy of you tripping
235
00:09:09,362 --> 00:09:10,778
in front of a large group of people
236
00:09:10,864 --> 00:09:12,747
and all of them pointing
and laughing at you.
237
00:09:12,849 --> 00:09:14,949
Oh, you go deep fast.
238
00:09:24,094 --> 00:09:26,945
- Oh, my gosh!
- I know that look.
239
00:09:27,030 --> 00:09:28,930
You two dummies did
something good, didn't you?
240
00:09:29,032 --> 00:09:31,065
You gotta help us
get our stuff back, man.
241
00:09:31,134 --> 00:09:33,434
You're, like, the closest thing
we have to Liam Neeson.
242
00:09:33,486 --> 00:09:35,036
Okay, I'm not gonna come to your rescue,
243
00:09:35,138 --> 00:09:37,924
but what I am gonna do
is teach you a life lesson here,
244
00:09:37,995 --> 00:09:40,608
since, emotionally,
you're both 7 years old.
245
00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:42,544
- Great burn.
- Bro!
246
00:09:42,612 --> 00:09:44,479
Ask for your things back.
247
00:09:44,581 --> 00:09:46,431
Don't take no for an answer. Remember...
248
00:09:46,516 --> 00:09:49,884
you did something nice,
but it was a stupid accident.
249
00:09:49,986 --> 00:09:53,288
Isn't asking for something back
against the rules?
250
00:09:53,356 --> 00:09:56,324
You make the rules, you understand?
251
00:09:57,878 --> 00:10:01,129
Oh, so you're Sophie's
friend that's not us.
252
00:10:02,199 --> 00:10:03,264
You look like a book person.
253
00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,216
Here you go, Sophie-Bear.
254
00:10:05,302 --> 00:10:07,986
- Ooooh, Clotted Creamos!
- My fave!
255
00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:11,005
Mom let me go
all out in a UK import store.
256
00:10:11,057 --> 00:10:13,041
Whoa, candy before the first course?
257
00:10:13,109 --> 00:10:15,627
All aboard the two-parent struggle bus.
258
00:10:15,712 --> 00:10:17,178
A-woo woo!
259
00:10:17,264 --> 00:10:19,269
Listen, if you need my help, just...
260
00:10:19,308 --> 00:10:22,083
I'm fine! Everything's fine!
261
00:10:23,804 --> 00:10:26,339
- You already put the candy out?
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
262
00:10:26,410 --> 00:10:28,115
I just... I don't really
believe in courses.
263
00:10:28,140 --> 00:10:29,203
I think food should be served
264
00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:30,176
when you have it.
265
00:10:30,201 --> 00:10:31,626
Thank you for your feedback, ma'am.
266
00:10:31,728 --> 00:10:33,895
- What?
- I'll be in touch.
267
00:10:33,997 --> 00:10:35,363
Please hold.
268
00:10:35,415 --> 00:10:37,682
Oh, hand me one of those.
269
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:40,134
- Hey.
- I need to talk to Mia.
270
00:10:40,237 --> 00:10:41,758
- Weren't you just...
- The you-version,
271
00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:44,109
- not the real one.
- Oh, yeah!
272
00:10:44,187 --> 00:10:45,383
Okay, go ahead.
273
00:10:45,442 --> 00:10:48,643
"Hi, I'm Mia, and I definitely
voted for Jill Stein."
274
00:10:48,712 --> 00:10:50,278
Mia, the last time you were in town,
275
00:10:50,347 --> 00:10:53,214
you told Sophie that her bedtime
depended on "circadian rhythms"
276
00:10:53,250 --> 00:10:55,483
before you bolted to Cuba
to represent artist protestors.
277
00:10:55,552 --> 00:10:57,418
But do you know who really
deserves the protest?
278
00:10:57,487 --> 00:11:00,455
It's you, Mia. It's you.
279
00:11:00,557 --> 00:11:02,040
Damn, Will.
280
00:11:02,125 --> 00:11:03,693
Oh, I am not done. Another thing...
281
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:07,095
So, um... about Mr. Roar... hoo boy...
282
00:11:07,197 --> 00:11:08,896
Why does my mouth taste like pennies?
283
00:11:08,999 --> 00:11:10,815
Aw, geez... so...
284
00:11:10,917 --> 00:11:11,949
Spit it out, Graham.
285
00:11:11,974 --> 00:11:13,028
I need him back!
286
00:11:13,053 --> 00:11:14,552
I'm so sorry.
287
00:11:14,654 --> 00:11:16,520
I'll give you something else.
288
00:11:16,623 --> 00:11:19,424
Can I interest you in a thousand hugs?
289
00:11:19,509 --> 00:11:21,225
No need. Here.
290
00:11:21,328 --> 00:11:23,494
Not the manners I was hoping for
at this luncheon,
291
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:25,697
but it's fine.
292
00:11:29,469 --> 00:11:32,904
- I feel gutted.
- Eh, you'll get over it.
293
00:11:32,973 --> 00:11:34,372
All right, Miggy, you're up.
294
00:11:34,441 --> 00:11:35,640
What did you do with those sneakers?
295
00:11:35,742 --> 00:11:37,875
What charity saw you coming
from a mile away?
296
00:11:37,978 --> 00:11:39,544
Sisters of Mercy.
297
00:11:39,612 --> 00:11:43,081
Ah, the nuns. Every last one
of them just out for a buck.
298
00:11:43,214 --> 00:11:46,235
- Okay, off you go.
- Okay.
299
00:11:47,904 --> 00:11:49,320
Hey, have you seen Angie?
300
00:11:49,372 --> 00:11:51,587
Mia just said she wanted to
get Sophie "off shoes,"
301
00:11:51,649 --> 00:11:53,224
and I need to dump it, fast.
302
00:11:53,293 --> 00:11:54,859
Yeah... Okay, can I ask you?
303
00:11:54,911 --> 00:11:56,761
Is Angie's advice about Mia working?
304
00:11:56,863 --> 00:11:57,929
No, not really.
305
00:11:57,998 --> 00:11:59,230
But maybe I'm just bad at role-playing.
306
00:11:59,299 --> 00:12:01,198
- I mean, it's been said before.
- Nope.
307
00:12:01,217 --> 00:12:02,480
It's because Angie doesn't know
308
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:03,564
what the hell she's talking about.
309
00:12:03,589 --> 00:12:05,236
- What?
- Look, I love that woman,
310
00:12:05,322 --> 00:12:07,038
but I make it a point to
never take advice from someone
311
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:08,606
who buys their underwear at CVS.
312
00:12:08,675 --> 00:12:11,209
I mean, I just go along with it
because it makes her feel good.
313
00:12:11,277 --> 00:12:13,461
In fact, that famous girls' night,
314
00:12:13,546 --> 00:12:15,747
- after talking to "Ron" for so long...
- Mm-hmm.
315
00:12:15,815 --> 00:12:17,482
...I left her house and
booty-called the real thing!
316
00:12:17,584 --> 00:12:19,801
- Poppy!
- Excuse me, grown-ups?
317
00:12:19,886 --> 00:12:21,585
We need to sing "Happy Birthday"
to Sophie ASAP.
318
00:12:21,688 --> 00:12:23,037
She's a woman on the brink.
319
00:12:23,123 --> 00:12:25,156
- Louder! Faster!
- ♪ Happy birthday ♪
320
00:12:25,241 --> 00:12:29,152
- More British!
- ♪ Dear Sophie ♪
321
00:12:29,229 --> 00:12:34,565
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
322
00:12:36,236 --> 00:12:37,535
- Whoo!
- What the what?!
323
00:12:37,570 --> 00:12:39,620
- Earrings?!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
324
00:12:39,706 --> 00:12:41,089
I'm here. You don't need to freak out.
325
00:12:41,174 --> 00:12:43,508
Angie, your advice doesn't work,
and Poppy agrees with me.
326
00:12:43,576 --> 00:12:44,856
That "amazing girls' night" you had?
327
00:12:44,881 --> 00:12:45,950
After she left your place,
328
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,446
she went and she boinked Ron.
329
00:12:47,447 --> 00:12:48,746
Now, if you'll excuse me,
330
00:12:48,815 --> 00:12:51,684
an atrocity has been committed
at Claire's.
331
00:12:52,619 --> 00:12:54,960
Wow. Really, dude?
332
00:12:55,062 --> 00:12:58,756
Okay, "boinked" makes it sound
less romantic than it was.
333
00:12:58,825 --> 00:13:01,459
Why is there a non-biological
hole in my daughter's ear?
334
00:13:01,561 --> 00:13:03,928
It's a rite of passage in many cultures...
335
00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:06,297
...including where I'm from...
Central New Jersey.
336
00:13:06,366 --> 00:13:09,033
I can't take it anymore!
You pump Sophie full of sugar.
337
00:13:09,135 --> 00:13:11,169
You pierce her ears without
asking my permission.
338
00:13:11,254 --> 00:13:13,838
You can't just show up here
and undermine everything I do.
339
00:13:13,890 --> 00:13:16,307
Maybe globally, what I do
is not that important.
340
00:13:16,409 --> 00:13:17,842
But in this house, it is.
341
00:13:17,944 --> 00:13:20,144
And this is my house!
You're in my house!
342
00:13:20,246 --> 00:13:21,645
And so is your dumb box of mail!
343
00:13:21,748 --> 00:13:23,314
Your subscription to ELLE magazine
344
00:13:23,416 --> 00:13:24,499
is no longer of use to me!
345
00:13:24,617 --> 00:13:27,151
And who gets that many
yoga mat catalogs?
346
00:13:27,253 --> 00:13:29,504
You don't even live here!
347
00:13:29,622 --> 00:13:32,539
You try unsubscribing
to L.L.Bean from Ghana!
348
00:13:36,153 --> 00:13:38,479
Whoa, shockingly good form.
You all right?
349
00:13:38,544 --> 00:13:42,045
Yeah. I'm just stressed.
350
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:43,814
I'm really sorry I outed you.
351
00:13:43,883 --> 00:13:45,975
It's all right.
Just put flowers on my grave.
352
00:13:46,038 --> 00:13:47,905
The last time Angie was mad at me,
353
00:13:48,007 --> 00:13:49,373
she told me her Uncle Joey D'Amato
354
00:13:49,441 --> 00:13:50,507
was "connected."
355
00:13:50,576 --> 00:13:51,975
- Well, that's terrifying.
- Yeah.
356
00:13:52,044 --> 00:13:53,610
Hey, what are you lil' girls doing?
357
00:13:53,646 --> 00:13:56,587
You... You having a sleepover
and giving each other advice
358
00:13:56,652 --> 00:13:58,118
because apparently mine doesn't work?
359
00:13:58,157 --> 00:13:59,707
Look, Ange, it's not
your fault, all right?
360
00:13:59,809 --> 00:14:01,676
Will and I, we still
have to deal with our exes,
361
00:14:01,728 --> 00:14:02,743
but you don't.
362
00:14:02,845 --> 00:14:04,212
So that means I can't give advice?
363
00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:05,680
- You nailed it.
- You know what?
364
00:14:05,715 --> 00:14:07,665
- I am just as...
- Yay!
365
00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,817
- It's my birthday!
- Sophie?
366
00:14:09,869 --> 00:14:11,452
- What is she doing?
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
367
00:14:11,499 --> 00:14:13,588
- Sophie? Sophie-Bear, come back to me.
- I'm eight!
368
00:14:13,656 --> 00:14:16,040
- You're scaring Mommy.
- Oof, the Creamos got her.
369
00:14:16,125 --> 00:14:18,158
- What's going on?
- Sophie is reacting to sugar
370
00:14:18,211 --> 00:14:20,661
in a way that I do not understand,
and I don't know what to do.
371
00:14:20,697 --> 00:14:22,079
- It's okay, everybody.
- It's my birthday!
372
00:14:22,198 --> 00:14:23,598
I know it is, honey! I know.
373
00:14:23,700 --> 00:14:26,119
Mia, I need a glass of water.
Rory, get me a dry English muffin.
374
00:14:26,205 --> 00:14:27,502
- Got it.
- Sophie, we're gonna count to 10
375
00:14:27,526 --> 00:14:28,971
in Japanese, okay?
376
00:14:29,005 --> 00:14:32,373
Ichi, ni, san, shi,
377
00:14:32,475 --> 00:14:34,375
go, roku,
378
00:14:34,410 --> 00:14:38,509
shichi, hachi, kyuu, juu.
379
00:14:38,572 --> 00:14:41,384
Very good. We're gonna get off
the table now. That's not safe.
380
00:14:41,470 --> 00:14:43,017
All right, everybody. We're all better.
381
00:14:43,088 --> 00:14:44,916
You guys finish your cake,
and then we'll play
382
00:14:44,978 --> 00:14:46,787
"Pin the Ruff on the Beefeater."
383
00:14:54,631 --> 00:14:57,331
- Thank you, Will.
- Of course.
384
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:01,736
No, seriously, thank you.
I had no idea what to do.
385
00:15:01,804 --> 00:15:03,637
I mean, the first thing
that came to mind was,
386
00:15:03,740 --> 00:15:05,139
"Do I change her diaper?"
387
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:07,391
It's just every time I see her,
388
00:15:07,477 --> 00:15:09,360
I feel like she's become
this whole new person
389
00:15:09,445 --> 00:15:11,646
that I have to get to know,
like, all over again.
390
00:15:11,748 --> 00:15:14,115
Yeah, I sometimes feel that
between lunch and dinner.
391
00:15:15,418 --> 00:15:16,584
You know, I hate
392
00:15:16,653 --> 00:15:19,387
that I make you feel like
what you do isn't important.
393
00:15:19,455 --> 00:15:22,139
I get to swoop in and be this fun mom.
394
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:24,425
Meanwhile, you're with her every day,
395
00:15:24,527 --> 00:15:27,161
making rules and...
and washing her hair.
396
00:15:27,263 --> 00:15:31,732
Thank you. I don't say that enough.
397
00:15:31,801 --> 00:15:34,001
Well, you did send that e-mail
398
00:15:34,070 --> 00:15:36,020
that said "You da best!" last week.
399
00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:39,040
But thanks, I appreciate it.
400
00:15:40,376 --> 00:15:43,911
Attention, parents, I'd like
to make an announcement...
401
00:15:44,013 --> 00:15:47,515
I thought I could handle that
amount of sugar, but I cannot.
402
00:15:47,583 --> 00:15:49,350
Things were said, and I apologize.
403
00:15:49,452 --> 00:15:51,485
- You're forgiven.
- It's my fault.
404
00:15:51,554 --> 00:15:53,754
Look, I love having two parents,
405
00:15:53,856 --> 00:15:57,208
but sometimes it's hard on me,
406
00:15:57,293 --> 00:16:00,561
and I wish we had more memories
of the three of us.
407
00:16:00,663 --> 00:16:04,965
Because we are family,
even if we don't live together.
408
00:16:05,068 --> 00:16:07,802
Oh, honey, of course we are.
409
00:16:07,870 --> 00:16:09,086
I love you.
410
00:16:14,677 --> 00:16:17,978
Hey, um, does someone
need to drive her home?
411
00:16:18,031 --> 00:16:21,048
Louisa. Why are you so quiet?
412
00:16:21,150 --> 00:16:23,250
I'm more of a listener.
413
00:16:27,390 --> 00:16:29,056
- Who dis?
- It's Douglas.
414
00:16:29,108 --> 00:16:30,791
What happened with the nuns?
415
00:16:30,860 --> 00:16:32,226
My buddy Dwayne bought my kicks.
416
00:16:32,328 --> 00:16:33,427
He saw my Insta story
417
00:16:33,496 --> 00:16:35,446
about what a good person
I am for donating them.
418
00:16:35,531 --> 00:16:37,097
Okay, real men don't have "buddies."
419
00:16:37,150 --> 00:16:39,767
Okay, now go be a man
and get your shoes back.
420
00:16:39,836 --> 00:16:43,187
I tried, but I ended up giving
him the pair I was wearing
421
00:16:43,272 --> 00:16:45,652
and a baggie of Goldfish
I had in my pocket.
422
00:16:45,676 --> 00:16:46,809
That's it. I'm coming down there.
423
00:16:46,833 --> 00:16:47,760
I'll text you the address.
424
00:16:47,785 --> 00:16:49,410
No, no, no. No. No texting.
425
00:16:49,479 --> 00:16:52,012
Form the words in your head,
drop them to the mouth,
426
00:16:52,115 --> 00:16:53,330
and shout 'em out into the world
427
00:16:53,416 --> 00:16:55,583
like a normal friggin' human being.
428
00:16:55,635 --> 00:16:57,985
Can you repeat that? It was a lot.
429
00:17:03,476 --> 00:17:05,359
Ange? You up for a girls' night?
430
00:17:05,411 --> 00:17:07,361
I got gas station caffeine pills.
431
00:17:08,798 --> 00:17:09,733
Are you still mad at me?
432
00:17:09,766 --> 00:17:13,467
No, I'm not mad-mad. It's just...
433
00:17:13,536 --> 00:17:15,669
why didn't you tell me about Ron?
434
00:17:15,772 --> 00:17:17,471
You're a very scary woman.
435
00:17:17,557 --> 00:17:19,623
Plus, I didn't want you to think
I was still a mess
436
00:17:19,709 --> 00:17:21,609
after all those nights
I spent on your couch.
437
00:17:22,678 --> 00:17:25,179
You're the strongest person I know.
438
00:17:25,281 --> 00:17:27,314
Thanks. It's just...
439
00:17:27,417 --> 00:17:31,085
even though I never had a husband,
440
00:17:31,187 --> 00:17:33,521
I like to be the person
you come to with that stuff.
441
00:17:33,589 --> 00:17:36,257
And you always will be,
whether I listen to you or not.
442
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:38,659
That's why we have girls' night.
443
00:17:40,279 --> 00:17:42,496
- Mm, I love you.
- I love you.
444
00:17:45,184 --> 00:17:48,102
Okay, so... how was it with Ron?
445
00:17:48,171 --> 00:17:50,037
Girl, I've been waiting
three years to tell you.
446
00:17:50,139 --> 00:17:53,307
It was as good as it could be
in a parked car
447
00:17:53,409 --> 00:17:55,876
outside of his girlfriend's house.
448
00:17:56,879 --> 00:17:58,946
- I'm gonna get the beer funnel.
- Please.
449
00:17:59,015 --> 00:18:00,915
I've only waited in line once...
450
00:18:01,017 --> 00:18:03,451
December 1, 1974.
451
00:18:03,553 --> 00:18:05,085
Bills-Colts tickets.
452
00:18:05,188 --> 00:18:08,189
It was so cold,
my sister Donna lost a toe.
453
00:18:08,274 --> 00:18:09,790
May she rest in peace.
454
00:18:09,859 --> 00:18:12,376
- Okay, so which one is Dwayne?
- Hold up.
455
00:18:12,462 --> 00:18:14,261
I don't think you know what
you're getting into with Dwayne.
456
00:18:14,313 --> 00:18:15,729
The guy's an evil genius.
457
00:18:15,782 --> 00:18:18,031
You know, like Elon Musk or Kickeeboy.
458
00:18:18,084 --> 00:18:20,000
Who's Kickeeboy?
459
00:18:20,052 --> 00:18:22,769
- Oh, that guy eating a snow cone.
- Ah.
460
00:18:22,872 --> 00:18:24,505
I think I can handle it.
461
00:18:24,540 --> 00:18:27,258
Hey, I hear you got
my friend's tennis shoes,
462
00:18:27,343 --> 00:18:28,976
so why don't you just give them back?
463
00:18:29,061 --> 00:18:30,778
Oh, are you one of those
old parent people
464
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,446
Miggy hangs out with now?
465
00:18:32,548 --> 00:18:35,850
I'm Dr. Douglas Fogerty,
and this conversation
466
00:18:35,952 --> 00:18:38,486
has already gone on longer
than I care for,
467
00:18:38,588 --> 00:18:39,854
so why don't you just give me the shoes.
468
00:18:39,922 --> 00:18:42,690
Nah. These are Nike Air Max
90 Corks, man!
469
00:18:42,725 --> 00:18:44,308
The most coveted pair of shoes
470
00:18:44,393 --> 00:18:45,726
in all of Pennsyl-Dwaynia.
471
00:18:45,812 --> 00:18:46,760
Keeping 'em.
472
00:18:46,829 --> 00:18:48,712
A man only needs four pairs of shoes...
473
00:18:48,798 --> 00:18:50,397
dress loafers, deck shoes,
474
00:18:50,500 --> 00:18:53,400
sturdy topsiders, and golf spikes.
475
00:18:53,503 --> 00:18:55,035
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you
476
00:18:55,121 --> 00:18:56,704
what you paid for the shoes,
477
00:18:56,756 --> 00:18:58,572
and I'm gonna kick in an extra Andrew.
478
00:18:58,641 --> 00:19:00,524
Honestly, man, it's not even
about the Corks.
479
00:19:00,610 --> 00:19:02,493
It's about Miggy. These kicks remind me
480
00:19:02,578 --> 00:19:04,979
of the old days
with that dude... skateboarding,
481
00:19:05,047 --> 00:19:07,448
him helping me write
flirty texts to Gina,
482
00:19:07,517 --> 00:19:09,383
him helping me write
breakup texts to Gina.
483
00:19:09,485 --> 00:19:11,351
Doesn't seem like
it went great with Gina.
484
00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:12,887
Miggy and I had the best times.
485
00:19:12,922 --> 00:19:14,171
Waiting in line for Yeezys,
486
00:19:14,257 --> 00:19:16,140
before Kanye made them
hella problematic.
487
00:19:16,259 --> 00:19:17,958
Going to the dog park,
488
00:19:18,060 --> 00:19:19,927
then getting kicked out
for not having a dog.
489
00:19:19,996 --> 00:19:24,831
Before he got busy with dad
world, Miggy was there for me.
490
00:19:24,934 --> 00:19:28,068
In line, in life.
491
00:19:29,338 --> 00:19:32,206
But now, he's giving all that
solid gold friendship to you
492
00:19:32,291 --> 00:19:34,208
and I got squat.
493
00:19:34,293 --> 00:19:36,310
You're so lucky, man.
494
00:19:38,447 --> 00:19:39,680
Peekaboo!
495
00:19:39,782 --> 00:19:42,849
Yeah, he's a good egg.
496
00:19:42,952 --> 00:19:45,819
So, those slippers Gucci?
497
00:19:49,242 --> 00:19:51,492
Yo, no one's ever
stood up for me before.
498
00:19:51,577 --> 00:19:53,327
So, how'd it... Damn!
499
00:19:53,412 --> 00:19:54,662
You got Dwayne'd.
500
00:19:54,747 --> 00:19:57,665
Yo! See you soon, Miggy!
501
00:19:57,750 --> 00:19:59,750
Ma looks like Dwayne
got everything from you.
502
00:19:59,835 --> 00:20:01,418
And I know you just hate that,
503
00:20:01,504 --> 00:20:03,137
giving without getting anything back.
504
00:20:03,222 --> 00:20:04,638
It was a fair trade.
505
00:20:04,724 --> 00:20:06,039
Glass.
506
00:20:06,142 --> 00:20:07,874
That was a shard of glass.
507
00:20:07,977 --> 00:20:09,623
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
508
00:20:11,615 --> 00:20:15,131
All right, so let's rehearse.
I'm pitching double peace signs,
509
00:20:15,201 --> 00:20:18,068
devil horns, and then,
if there's time, upside down?
510
00:20:20,113 --> 00:20:22,530
Those are gonna be awesome.
511
00:20:22,615 --> 00:20:25,284
I'm gonna go grab us
some mozzarella sticks.
512
00:20:25,362 --> 00:20:28,761
If it's okay with both
my parents, of course.
513
00:20:28,823 --> 00:20:30,758
Well, it's still your birthday,
514
00:20:30,843 --> 00:20:33,675
and you're not in a coma yet,
515
00:20:33,762 --> 00:20:35,261
so I say go for it.
516
00:20:35,347 --> 00:20:36,429
Hey, should we do one
517
00:20:36,515 --> 00:20:37,931
just the two of us?
You know, for Sophie.
518
00:20:38,016 --> 00:20:39,766
She doesn't have a ton
of photos of us together.
519
00:20:39,851 --> 00:20:42,769
I mean, everyone has a camera
in their pocket, but sure.
520
00:20:42,854 --> 00:20:44,437
I'll pay $3 to sit in a closet.
40228
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