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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:02,236 This programme contains strong language and adult content from the outset and scenes of a sexual nature 2 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:08,520 You can't see it yet but this is my excited face. 3 00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:10,760 I'm doing little jumps. 4 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:12,680 You know someone is special if you do little jumps when you see them. 5 00:00:16,876 --> 00:00:16,876 THEY SQUEAL HAPPILY 6 00:00:21,196 --> 00:00:21,196 I missed you. 7 00:00:23,476 --> 00:00:23,476 I go to Boots at lunch and sniff your perfume. 8 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:26,120 I'm on your Instagram, like, all the time. 9 00:00:29,356 --> 00:00:29,356 I fucked your dad to feel closer to you. 10 00:00:32,596 --> 00:00:32,596 And you ruined it. 11 00:00:36,796 --> 00:00:36,796 I love her so much it makes me doubt my sexuality 12 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:40,040 but then everything does. 13 00:00:41,956 --> 00:00:41,956 It's not her, it's me. 14 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:44,840 So when I said I missed you I meant like how I would miss my period 15 00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:48,360 if it's a few days late. 16 00:00:49,756 --> 00:00:49,756 Like, slight concern but not enough to buy a test. 17 00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:03,796 Are you going to talk to me, then? 18 00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:06,440 Sorry, my mouth keeps getting full of whisky. 19 00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:11,240 Mate... 20 00:01:12,556 --> 00:01:12,556 You called me in a total fucking tizz and all I hear 21 00:01:15,196 --> 00:01:15,196 from you since then is a couple of texts and a Kristen Wiig GIF. 22 00:01:17,596 --> 00:01:17,596 It's not enough to sustain a friendship. 23 00:01:17,836 --> 00:01:17,836 Sorry. 24 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:22,440 It's been mental. 25 00:01:25,036 --> 00:01:25,036 What you did was mental, Marnie. 26 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:27,240 You just fucking left me. I was really worried about you. 27 00:01:30,436 --> 00:01:30,436 I went on the Mind website and everything. 28 00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:32,520 I know. I'm sorry. 29 00:01:34,756 --> 00:01:34,756 You don't need to worry about me. 30 00:01:36,316 --> 00:01:36,316 I'm speaking to someone now and it helps. 31 00:01:38,236 --> 00:01:38,236 I feel a lot less anxious. 32 00:01:42,796 --> 00:01:42,796 OK, well, all I'm saying is if this needs to be an intervention 33 00:01:45,916 --> 00:01:45,916 instead of a city break then that's fine. 34 00:01:48,556 --> 00:01:48,556 It is a city break. 35 00:01:51,436 --> 00:01:51,436 Except all you'll see is this, a pub and the inside of Shereen's flat 36 00:01:57,676 --> 00:01:57,676 because I've only got £87 until I get a job. 37 00:02:01,636 --> 00:02:01,636 Wait, do you need money? 38 00:02:03,316 --> 00:02:03,316 I'm minted. Connor gave me a raise. 39 00:02:05,836 --> 00:02:05,836 He says it's because of gender pay gaps but I think it's thigh gaps. 40 00:02:10,876 --> 00:02:10,876 As in mine. 41 00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:11,880 SHE LAUGHS 42 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:14,600 Are you listening to me? 'Fuck off, I don't fancy her.' 43 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:17,960 Oi.Ow. 44 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:19,080 What are you thinking? 45 00:02:21,556 --> 00:02:21,556 You can't hang up on me now because I'm right here in your face. 46 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:26,120 'I should be able to tell her anything. 47 00:02:28,996 --> 00:02:28,996 'I showed my first pubic hair to this woman.' 48 00:02:34,996 --> 00:02:34,996 I was thinking about your vagina. 49 00:02:37,876 --> 00:02:37,876 Because that's what's in your thigh gap. 50 00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:44,840 SHE LAUGHS 51 00:02:57,916 --> 00:02:57,916 Afternoon.Here he is. 52 00:02:59,476 --> 00:02:59,476 Back in the driver's seat. 53 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:01,160 How is she handling? 54 00:03:02,836 --> 00:03:02,836 Yes, she's very smooth. 55 00:03:05,836 --> 00:03:05,836 Well, shan't distract you. 56 00:03:11,476 --> 00:03:11,476 Thank you. 57 00:03:19,516 --> 00:03:19,516 What time do you call this? 58 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:23,240 Um... 59 00:03:25,756 --> 00:03:25,756 Did you get my e-mail? 60 00:03:27,720 --> 00:03:27,720 I red flagged it. What, as in, to human resources? 61 00:03:31,156 --> 00:03:31,156 As in I haven't read it, sorry, was it important? 62 00:03:34,396 --> 00:03:34,396 Yeah, in the context of this. 63 00:03:37,516 --> 00:03:37,516 This was going to be about that, so it's good background to have. 64 00:03:40,756 --> 00:03:40,756 I'm up against it, Charlie, sorry. Sorry, um... 65 00:03:46,156 --> 00:03:46,156 I just wanted to say that I don't want things 66 00:03:48,556 --> 00:03:48,556 to be difficult working here. 67 00:03:50,956 --> 00:03:50,956 It's not great if you're finding things difficult on your first day back. 68 00:03:54,316 --> 00:03:54,316 No, I mean between us. 69 00:03:57,316 --> 00:03:57,316 Because of the cab thing. Yeah, so... 70 00:03:59,836 --> 00:03:59,836 I just don't want you to think that I was rejecting 71 00:04:02,236 --> 00:04:02,236 you because I wasn't. 72 00:04:04,396 --> 00:04:04,396 I mean, technically I was because I didn't and we didn't but that's 73 00:04:07,276 --> 00:04:07,276 not because I didn't want to. 74 00:04:09,076 --> 00:04:09,076 Physically you are thumbs up but you're my boss 75 00:04:12,076 --> 00:04:12,076 and I'm massively punching. 76 00:04:13,996 --> 00:04:13,996 It's like a monkey pulling a swan. 77 00:04:17,236 --> 00:04:17,236 I'm the monkey, you're the swan. 78 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:19,560 But like a black swan cos that's more interesting than just something white floating down a canal. 79 00:04:23,116 --> 00:04:23,116 Anyway, I'm sort of making things worse, so I'm just going to go back 80 00:04:26,356 --> 00:04:26,356 and carry on doing my work. 81 00:04:28,876 --> 00:04:28,876 What are you doing tomorrow? 82 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:30,600 Night? 83 00:04:34,156 --> 00:04:34,156 Uh, I've got a dinner thing, actually. 84 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:37,160 OK, so you'll be done what, 11, 11:30? 85 00:04:39,556 --> 00:04:39,556 Uh, yeah. 86 00:04:41,236 --> 00:04:41,236 Come back to mine after. 87 00:04:45,796 --> 00:04:45,796 Can I ask what for? 88 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:48,200 It'll just be a bit of fun. 89 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:50,760 Right, can you clarify what you mean by fun, 90 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:52,520 just cos different people find different things fun? 91 00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:55,080 Like my mate thinks gardening is fun. 92 00:04:57,076 --> 00:04:57,076 Other people like, um, jigsaws. 93 00:05:00,796 --> 00:05:00,796 I'll text you the address. 94 00:05:04,036 --> 00:05:04,036 Meeting in 20 if you could tell the rest. 95 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:12,200 Oh, my gosh! 96 00:05:18,196 --> 00:05:18,196 Dave?There is always a Dave. Dave! 97 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:21,800 What about that one there?Dave! David. Davido. 98 00:05:25,636 --> 00:05:25,636 Dave! He's doing a little smile. A little smile. 99 00:05:42,196 --> 00:05:42,196 There's something wrong with me. 100 00:05:45,436 --> 00:05:45,436 Yeah, I know. 101 00:05:47,356 --> 00:05:47,356 And I love you still. 102 00:05:52,756 --> 00:05:52,756 But like, there actually is. 103 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:57,320 What? 104 00:05:59,116 --> 00:05:59,116 It's to do with the way I think. 105 00:06:01,876 --> 00:06:01,876 Have you gone Scientologist? Is that why you moved to London? 106 00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:04,276 Have you been brainwashed? I'm not a Scientologist. 107 00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:06,440 What then? 108 00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:08,716 I've got OCD. 109 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:13,160 You don't have OCD. 110 00:06:16,156 --> 00:06:16,156 My therapist thinks I do. 111 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:20,840 But you're such a mess. 112 00:06:25,276 --> 00:06:25,276 OCD doesn't mean you're neat. 113 00:06:28,036 --> 00:06:28,036 Uh, I have these thoughts about sex pop into my head, 114 00:06:33,076 --> 00:06:33,076 like, "She's got a vagina." 115 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:38,280 "I could snog him." 116 00:06:41,716 --> 00:06:41,716 "That looks like a penis." 117 00:06:45,556 --> 00:06:45,556 Yeah, but everyone gets those.No. 118 00:06:47,956 --> 00:06:47,956 Yeah, the other day, Colin was in the office eating a banana 119 00:06:50,596 --> 00:06:50,596 and I was like, "Oh, he is sucking that off." 120 00:06:53,596 --> 00:06:53,596 Yeah, but did it make you anxious? Yeah. 121 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:55,880 I was like, it's 11 o'clock and I'm already desperate for my meal deal. 122 00:06:58,920 --> 00:06:58,920 OK. 123 00:07:00,676 --> 00:07:00,676 So it's like that but not at all. 124 00:07:06,316 --> 00:07:06,316 It's in my head, like, 24/7. 125 00:07:07,756 --> 00:07:07,756 It makes me really anxious. 126 00:07:10,996 --> 00:07:10,996 So I do stuff to try and get rid of it like move to London 127 00:07:16,756 --> 00:07:16,756 and avoid you. 128 00:07:21,076 --> 00:07:21,076 You moved to London to avoid me? 129 00:07:24,436 --> 00:07:24,436 No. 130 00:07:25,756 --> 00:07:25,756 You're a trigger. 131 00:07:28,276 --> 00:07:28,276 It's why sometimes I go weird with you because you're always 132 00:07:31,996 --> 00:07:31,996 whapping your boobs at me, it freaks me out. 133 00:07:34,036 --> 00:07:34,036 What's wrong with my boobs? Nothing. 134 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:35,956 No, it's not you, it's my disorder, they upset me. 135 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:39,560 Sorry.No. 136 00:07:41,116 --> 00:07:41,116 I can't avoid every trigger. 137 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:42,600 Look, don't cover them up, come on, get them out. 138 00:07:45,076 --> 00:07:45,076 Oh, Dave! Help me! She's trying to molest me!She's fine, Dave. 139 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:48,360 She loves it. She loves it, really. 140 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:56,360 I suppose they are quite nice. 141 00:07:58,156 --> 00:07:58,156 Why do you think I'm so obsessed with them? 142 00:08:24,436 --> 00:08:24,436 What's this one?Nancy. 143 00:08:26,956 --> 00:08:26,956 That girl from the other night? 144 00:08:28,396 --> 00:08:28,396 No, she isn't a girl. Sorry, woman. 145 00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:30,600 She's a witch. 146 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:31,636 HE CHUCKLES 147 00:08:33,676 --> 00:08:33,676 Must be all right if you're breaking the Dorothy double-dip rule. 148 00:08:36,556 --> 00:08:36,556 SHE SIGHS 149 00:08:37,996 --> 00:08:37,996 What is wrong with me? 150 00:08:39,796 --> 00:08:39,796 It's just a girl, a woman, a fucking witch, whatever. 151 00:08:43,396 --> 00:08:43,396 Just say no to her.Can't. 152 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:45,320 She's going to send her little witch monkeys after me 153 00:08:47,116 --> 00:08:47,116 and then where would I be? Trick her into having a bath. 154 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:50,280 I would love a bath with her. 155 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:55,880 Cos then she'd melt and she'd be dead cos she's a witch. 156 00:09:03,196 --> 00:09:03,196 Don't text her. No, I am taking control. 157 00:09:15,316 --> 00:09:15,316 TV: ..ritual courtship in their search for a mate. 158 00:09:17,596 --> 00:09:17,596 Shereen! 159 00:09:22,756 --> 00:09:22,756 I still can't believe you live with SHEREEN. 160 00:09:28,516 --> 00:09:28,516 She's all right. 161 00:09:31,756 --> 00:09:31,756 Hi.It's the pussy whisperer. 162 00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:34,280 I never understood that moniker. I've never even had a cat. 163 00:09:37,996 --> 00:09:37,996 Come on, bring it in. Don't try and strike me. 164 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:40,520 You're welcome in my home. You smell like 2007. 165 00:09:43,756 --> 00:09:43,756 You smell like that homeless guy who lives outside the tube. 166 00:09:48,556 --> 00:09:48,556 Yeah, we went for drinks. I thought you were on a cleanse. 167 00:09:51,196 --> 00:09:51,196 Just a wee toast to the motherland. Look what I did. 168 00:09:56,476 --> 00:09:56,476 Ta-da! 169 00:09:58,396 --> 00:09:58,396 And a penne gratin with roasted summer veg for tomorrow. 170 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:02,600 What's happening tomorrow? 171 00:10:03,916 --> 00:10:03,916 We're having some people over for tea. 172 00:10:06,676 --> 00:10:06,676 It's kind of in your honour and kind of because they were coming over anyway.What people? 173 00:10:10,516 --> 00:10:10,516 People I met. 174 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:12,200 Oh, did you go on one of those sad apps to try and make friends? 175 00:10:15,316 --> 00:10:15,316 Those don't work. I've heard. 176 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:17,960 I met them in real life. 177 00:10:20,116 --> 00:10:20,116 It will be great. 178 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:21,320 All of us together at the same social event. 179 00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:24,360 How often does that happen? 180 00:10:26,596 --> 00:10:26,596 It will be like an eclipse. 181 00:10:28,156 --> 00:10:28,156 Let's hope nobody damages their eyesight. 182 00:10:29,836 --> 00:10:29,836 Yeah, eclipses are always a let down. 183 00:10:31,996 --> 00:10:31,996 But they also unite everyone together to witness 184 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:36,840 an historic celestial event. 185 00:10:40,396 --> 00:10:40,396 It's just a pasta bake, mate. 186 00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:46,036 'The other thing about eclipses is that you're so busy looking 187 00:10:48,916 --> 00:10:48,916 'up you don't see the massive hole you're about to fall into.' 188 00:11:00,312 --> 00:11:00,312 # Nowhere to run to, baby 189 00:11:03,672 --> 00:11:03,672 # Nowhere to hide. # 190 00:11:06,436 --> 00:11:06,436 So, this one here is... 191 00:11:08,472 --> 00:11:08,472 Helen.OK. 192 00:11:10,032 --> 00:11:10,032 And that guy there? 193 00:11:12,356 --> 00:11:12,356 Joe. 194 00:11:13,752 --> 00:11:13,752 Joe. Joe from work, Joe?Yeah. 195 00:11:16,392 --> 00:11:16,392 Well, um... 196 00:11:17,832 --> 00:11:17,832 Not from work now, cos I quit, but he was at work when I was there. 197 00:11:22,512 --> 00:11:22,512 So you keep in touch. That's nice. 198 00:11:24,356 --> 00:11:24,356 Yeah, he's...kind of a friend, now. 199 00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:27,312 Like us.Yeah! 200 00:11:29,476 --> 00:11:29,476 Babe, can you, like, text my phone cos I think it's broken?Yeah... 201 00:11:32,712 --> 00:11:32,712 I'm just going to go and mingle. 202 00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:35,112 He's mingling. Mingling is happening. 203 00:11:40,272 --> 00:11:40,272 # Got nowhere to run... # 204 00:11:42,672 --> 00:11:42,672 Salmon mousse on a cucumber blini? 205 00:11:44,952 --> 00:11:44,952 Are they home-made or shop-bought? Home-made. 206 00:11:47,472 --> 00:11:47,472 It's like when people bring home-made stuff into work, isn't it? 207 00:11:49,992 --> 00:11:49,992 You just don't trust it. Do I detect some horseradish? 208 00:11:52,872 --> 00:11:52,872 Yeah, so, what does your house say about you? 209 00:11:56,996 --> 00:11:56,996 It's like my old life shagged my new life and had a delightful child. 210 00:12:01,796 --> 00:12:01,796 It's OK, you don't have to say. 211 00:12:03,192 --> 00:12:03,192 Let's talk about something else. No, no, I'm going to do it. 212 00:12:05,472 --> 00:12:05,472 Favourite celebrity animal? Um... 213 00:12:08,952 --> 00:12:08,952 # When I look in the mirror to comb my hair 214 00:12:13,512 --> 00:12:13,512 # I see your face just smiling there. # 215 00:12:16,996 --> 00:12:16,996 So when he's not texting, you're, like, coming from different places. 216 00:12:19,752 --> 00:12:19,752 And it's not because they're not into you. 217 00:12:21,316 --> 00:12:21,316 It's just they haven't had time to talk, because they're at 218 00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:23,952 a meeting or in a library, 219 00:12:25,992 --> 00:12:25,992 and they can't talk, and that's why they should fucking text, you know? 220 00:12:28,752 --> 00:12:28,752 Maybe you should just ring her. 221 00:12:30,596 --> 00:12:30,596 I should just ring her, you know? 222 00:12:37,316 --> 00:12:37,316 Hey, Nance. 223 00:12:39,716 --> 00:12:39,716 It's 8:32pm on a Saturday, and you're probably out, 224 00:12:44,952 --> 00:12:44,952 breaking that glass ceiling, or the mould, 225 00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:48,836 or some hearts or something. 226 00:12:52,196 --> 00:12:52,196 So am I, out and about. 227 00:12:57,796 --> 00:12:57,796 He says you got him run over. 228 00:13:01,512 --> 00:13:01,512 SHE LAUGHS Well... 229 00:13:03,556 --> 00:13:03,556 What happened was... We were at this pub. 230 00:13:05,712 --> 00:13:05,712 What, like a date?No! 231 00:13:07,272 --> 00:13:07,272 Like the opposite of a date. 232 00:13:08,952 --> 00:13:08,952 What's this? 233 00:13:10,632 --> 00:13:10,632 Did I, by any chance, leave my bra at your house? 234 00:13:14,112 --> 00:13:14,112 Cos I arrived with it and now I don't have it, so... 235 00:13:17,956 --> 00:13:17,956 ..if you find it... 236 00:13:20,232 --> 00:13:20,232 ..I want it back! 237 00:13:24,196 --> 00:13:24,196 Thank you! 238 00:13:28,632 --> 00:13:28,632 Um... 239 00:13:30,072 --> 00:13:30,072 It was part of a set. 240 00:13:31,752 --> 00:13:31,752 Of course. That's why they're sold together. 241 00:13:34,512 --> 00:13:34,512 SHE GIGGLES Would you like a drink? 242 00:13:36,676 --> 00:13:36,676 Yes, I'd like a pint of wine, please. 243 00:13:39,076 --> 00:13:39,076 And his shoe was still in my pocket when I left his. 244 00:13:42,116 --> 00:13:42,116 Because the nurse said I needed looking after. 245 00:13:44,356 --> 00:13:44,356 I was like his carer. Good bedside manner. 246 00:13:49,152 --> 00:13:49,152 Er, so, not a date, to answer your question. 247 00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:52,632 She wouldn't. 248 00:13:54,072 --> 00:13:54,072 Why not? 249 00:13:58,392 --> 00:13:58,392 Um... 250 00:14:00,196 --> 00:14:00,196 HELEN LAUGHS 251 00:14:01,316 --> 00:14:01,316 She's just not a very sexual person. 252 00:14:04,516 --> 00:14:04,516 I'm doing all right in London. 253 00:14:13,272 --> 00:14:13,272 I'm empty. 254 00:14:22,272 --> 00:14:22,272 You all right?I'm fine. 255 00:14:24,432 --> 00:14:24,432 Why, do I not seem fine? 256 00:14:26,756 --> 00:14:26,756 No... 257 00:14:28,996 --> 00:14:28,996 You just seem a bit distracted. 258 00:14:32,712 --> 00:14:32,712 Is it cos of all the people, with their bodies? 259 00:14:37,992 --> 00:14:37,992 I'm fine. 260 00:14:44,232 --> 00:14:44,232 Well, I WAS fine. 261 00:14:45,912 --> 00:14:45,912 Now I feel kind of shitty. 262 00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:47,712 Why did she ask that? 263 00:14:49,392 --> 00:14:49,392 Am I being a perv? Have people noticed? 264 00:14:52,872 --> 00:14:52,872 It's essentially ratio analysis and financial modelling, 265 00:14:56,352 --> 00:14:56,352 with the overall objective of making buy sell stock investment 266 00:14:59,952 --> 00:14:59,952 recommendations, so... 267 00:15:02,756 --> 00:15:02,756 Right, sounds...Complex, yeah. 268 00:15:04,996 --> 00:15:04,996 ..really quite dry. HE LAUGHS 269 00:15:07,272 --> 00:15:07,272 I mean, I'm more of a creative, so that kind of stuff just... 270 00:15:10,992 --> 00:15:10,992 Oh, yeah...goes over my head. 271 00:15:16,036 --> 00:15:16,036 So, you're...you're Joe from work? 272 00:15:18,672 --> 00:15:18,672 Work Joe. 273 00:15:20,592 --> 00:15:20,592 Joe doing the work. 274 00:15:22,512 --> 00:15:22,512 All about the work. That's, that's, that's all, just... 275 00:15:25,752 --> 00:15:25,752 Er, I do other stuff too. Yeah, yeah. 276 00:15:28,152 --> 00:15:28,152 JOE CHUCKLES 277 00:15:29,832 --> 00:15:29,832 Probably not as much as me, though. 278 00:15:31,992 --> 00:15:31,992 I, I do so many hobbies. 279 00:15:33,672 --> 00:15:33,672 It's kind of my thing, actually. 280 00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:35,352 It's actually how we met. 281 00:15:37,156 --> 00:15:37,156 Oh, how did you? Sorry, she never said. 282 00:15:40,516 --> 00:15:40,516 Felting. 283 00:15:44,996 --> 00:15:44,996 Cool. 284 00:15:46,272 --> 00:15:46,272 I think it's because I'm the extrovert and she's the introvert. 285 00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:49,316 We just gel. 286 00:15:50,832 --> 00:15:50,832 Like a foetus absorbing its twin in the womb. 287 00:15:53,472 --> 00:15:53,472 THEY LAUGH That's very good. 288 00:15:55,752 --> 00:15:55,752 I, I think I've really come out of my shell... How did you guys meet? 289 00:15:58,992 --> 00:15:58,992 How DID we meet, Marnie? 290 00:16:01,392 --> 00:16:01,392 Er, er... 291 00:16:03,432 --> 00:16:03,432 We met...in a bar. 292 00:16:05,712 --> 00:16:05,712 She chatted me up. 293 00:16:09,476 --> 00:16:09,476 I was experimenting.What? 294 00:16:12,676 --> 00:16:12,676 You got with her? 295 00:16:14,596 --> 00:16:14,596 My first week in London, the only human contact 296 00:16:17,112 --> 00:16:17,112 I had was with an IKEA cashier. 297 00:16:19,752 --> 00:16:19,752 And I paid for that privilege. 298 00:16:23,592 --> 00:16:23,592 Oh, Charlie needs a drink. 299 00:16:30,116 --> 00:16:30,116 Thank you. 300 00:16:32,472 --> 00:16:32,472 So, how's things? How's work? 301 00:16:36,432 --> 00:16:36,432 My, my boss came onto me. 302 00:16:39,192 --> 00:16:39,192 What? 303 00:16:40,752 --> 00:16:40,752 Mm, yeah, I know. I was like, "Sarah, get off me! 304 00:16:44,356 --> 00:16:44,356 "You're my boss!" 305 00:16:47,472 --> 00:16:47,472 She actually wants me to go round there tonight. 306 00:16:50,832 --> 00:16:50,832 You should report her. 307 00:16:53,712 --> 00:16:53,712 Well, what if I was into it? 308 00:16:58,632 --> 00:16:58,632 ARE you into it? 309 00:17:02,116 --> 00:17:02,116 It doesn't matter, does it? 310 00:17:04,152 --> 00:17:04,152 I mean, what am I going to do? Turn up and... 311 00:17:06,916 --> 00:17:06,916 ..hope the little fella does too? 312 00:17:08,836 --> 00:17:08,836 Oh, that's fear talking. 313 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:12,432 You need to take away its power. 314 00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:15,076 Lack of power's kind of the issue, though, innit? 315 00:17:17,232 --> 00:17:17,232 I mean... 316 00:17:18,916 --> 00:17:18,916 ..people would understand if you told them. 317 00:17:22,152 --> 00:17:22,152 What, so you... ..you think I should?Yeah. 318 00:17:25,272 --> 00:17:25,272 Go round there after this? You think... 319 00:17:27,312 --> 00:17:27,312 ..that's a thing that I should do? 320 00:17:33,312 --> 00:17:33,312 If that's what you want to do, you should do that. 321 00:17:46,512 --> 00:17:46,512 Yeah, I might. 322 00:17:51,312 --> 00:17:51,312 GLASS SMASHES 323 00:17:52,632 --> 00:17:52,632 Whoops.Oh, oh, fuck. 324 00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:55,032 It's OK if I...?Yeah, sorry. 325 00:17:59,876 --> 00:17:59,876 Oh, it's fine. 326 00:18:02,232 --> 00:18:02,232 SHE LAUGHS I wasn't apologising. 327 00:18:06,436 --> 00:18:06,436 Er, Shereen, can I do anything? 328 00:18:08,112 --> 00:18:08,112 No, no, no, no, it's all, it's all done. 329 00:18:10,436 --> 00:18:10,436 I'll do the dishes. Sorry. 330 00:18:13,032 --> 00:18:13,032 It's just nice to have people over. 331 00:18:15,076 --> 00:18:15,076 Everyone is so nice. 332 00:18:16,752 --> 00:18:16,752 Amber invited me to her birthday party.Oh! 333 00:18:19,392 --> 00:18:19,392 She invited me too. You don't even live in London. 334 00:18:23,396 --> 00:18:23,396 Yeah, well, I was thinking about it, actually. 335 00:18:26,832 --> 00:18:26,832 You know, getting back to my roots. 336 00:18:29,232 --> 00:18:29,232 I thought you were from Slough. 337 00:18:31,632 --> 00:18:31,632 It's still London. 338 00:18:40,872 --> 00:18:40,872 If she moves here, I'll have to move again - 339 00:18:44,112 --> 00:18:44,112 like some sort of pervy nomad. 340 00:18:49,512 --> 00:18:49,512 Here we go.Hey! 341 00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:51,672 I made gratin with roasted summer vegetables.Pasta bake. 342 00:18:55,512 --> 00:18:55,512 Delicious.Thanks, Shereen. Thanks, Shereen. 343 00:18:58,152 --> 00:18:58,152 Yeah, thanks for having us around, Marnie. 344 00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:00,432 Should I dish up for everyone? 345 00:19:02,472 --> 00:19:02,472 SHE TAPS HER GLASS 346 00:19:04,152 --> 00:19:04,152 I want to make a speech.No! 347 00:19:06,432 --> 00:19:06,432 Please don't, though, cos you're quite drunk. 348 00:19:08,352 --> 00:19:08,352 Shhh.Helen...Shhh. 349 00:19:11,832 --> 00:19:11,832 I just want to say... 350 00:19:14,352 --> 00:19:14,352 ..I think it's really nice that you lot are here. 351 00:19:19,032 --> 00:19:19,032 OK.Cos I know you don't really know her, like me. 352 00:19:22,632 --> 00:19:22,632 SHE LAUGHS 353 00:19:25,636 --> 00:19:25,636 But do you all get that she is special. 354 00:19:30,432 --> 00:19:30,432 Hey! Cheers.Cheers. 355 00:19:31,992 --> 00:19:31,992 Special, like special measures special, cos I fall short 356 00:19:35,112 --> 00:19:35,112 of acceptable standards. THEY CHUCKLE 357 00:19:36,912 --> 00:19:36,912 No! But it's fine, 358 00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:39,312 because in spite of everything I know, 359 00:19:42,912 --> 00:19:42,912 I accept you. 360 00:19:45,672 --> 00:19:45,672 Cool.Fabulous girl. 361 00:19:47,592 --> 00:19:47,592 I love her. THEY LAUGH 362 00:19:50,832 --> 00:19:50,832 Do you want a bit of baguette? 363 00:19:53,112 --> 00:19:53,112 Yeah, shove some bread in her mouth, shut her up. You... 364 00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:56,112 ..be nice.I AM being nice. 365 00:19:59,236 --> 00:19:59,236 So be nice, then. 366 00:20:01,872 --> 00:20:01,872 I'm literally always nice. 367 00:20:03,672 --> 00:20:03,672 I'm being nice just by being here. 368 00:20:05,952 --> 00:20:05,952 Like, coming to see you when you just left me, 369 00:20:09,672 --> 00:20:09,672 which WASN'T nice. 370 00:20:12,196 --> 00:20:12,196 But I'm nice. 371 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:13,796 And I'm here. 372 00:20:16,152 --> 00:20:16,152 So, you're welcome. 373 00:20:19,032 --> 00:20:19,032 Cheers!ALL:Cheers. 374 00:20:22,992 --> 00:20:22,992 Great.Shall we dig in? 375 00:20:25,316 --> 00:20:25,316 No.What?Gimme.I haven't... 376 00:20:26,952 --> 00:20:26,952 Oh, oh, oh! 377 00:20:28,752 --> 00:20:28,752 She just tried to get my top off! 378 00:20:30,912 --> 00:20:30,912 Go on, then, have a good look! 379 00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:32,232 Stop it, Helen, stop it. I don't like it. 380 00:20:34,512 --> 00:20:34,512 Maybe you should have some food. 381 00:20:36,192 --> 00:20:36,192 Soak some of it up. 382 00:20:37,752 --> 00:20:37,752 You can look all you want when I move here.You're not moving here. 383 00:20:41,476 --> 00:20:41,476 Yeah...I am. 384 00:20:44,712 --> 00:20:44,712 Cos I'd do that for you. 385 00:20:46,756 --> 00:20:46,756 Cos of what's wrong with you. 386 00:20:49,156 --> 00:20:49,156 I don't want you to. 387 00:20:58,152 --> 00:20:58,152 SHE LAUGHS 388 00:21:06,116 --> 00:21:06,116 There's something wrong with her. 389 00:21:08,712 --> 00:21:08,712 No, there's not. Have you not told them? 390 00:21:11,952 --> 00:21:11,952 Don't be ashamed. 391 00:21:13,872 --> 00:21:13,872 If they were mates, they'll get it. I don't think she wants to. 392 00:21:16,392 --> 00:21:16,392 She does. She does.No!She does. 393 00:21:19,392 --> 00:21:19,392 She is obsessed with sex. 394 00:21:25,872 --> 00:21:25,872 It's not me, it's my OCD. 395 00:21:28,872 --> 00:21:28,872 Fuck off! Shut the fuck up! 396 00:21:32,112 --> 00:21:32,112 She's doing it right now, she's perving in her head, 397 00:21:34,992 --> 00:21:34,992 thinking about all your bits and what she wants to do with them. 398 00:21:37,392 --> 00:21:37,392 And she has to do it, no matter what it is, 399 00:21:39,912 --> 00:21:39,912 and that's why she's done stuff with you. 400 00:21:42,072 --> 00:21:42,072 Even if she hasn't, she wants to. 401 00:21:43,556 --> 00:21:43,556 Shut the fuck up, Helen! 402 00:21:49,872 --> 00:21:49,872 SHE SIGHS 403 00:21:54,072 --> 00:21:54,072 It's going to get cold... 404 00:21:56,232 --> 00:21:56,232 Yeah, come on.Yeah.Plates. 405 00:22:00,192 --> 00:22:00,192 Mmm!Nicely done. 406 00:22:01,752 --> 00:22:01,752 You'll, er, have to send me the recipe. 407 00:22:03,792 --> 00:22:03,792 This looks... 408 00:22:05,476 --> 00:22:05,476 Wow. 409 00:22:09,192 --> 00:22:09,192 You know, she asked to see my breasts.Fuck... 410 00:22:12,072 --> 00:22:12,072 And I was like, fine.Jesus Christ. 411 00:22:14,112 --> 00:22:14,112 Because I'm your friend and I would do that for you. 412 00:22:17,352 --> 00:22:17,352 Cos I know how sick she is and I know that's why 413 00:22:19,992 --> 00:22:19,992 she won't stop looking at you all... Cover yourself up then! 414 00:22:24,072 --> 00:22:24,072 HELEN WHIMPERS 415 00:22:28,996 --> 00:22:28,996 See, she just wants to touch them... 416 00:22:30,792 --> 00:22:30,792 Argh, I have OCD! 417 00:22:33,192 --> 00:22:33,192 I have intrusive sexual thoughts that give me really bad anxiety! 418 00:22:41,112 --> 00:22:41,112 Yes, I've thought about you all. 419 00:22:42,792 --> 00:22:42,792 No, I don't want to talk about it, so... 420 00:22:45,316 --> 00:22:45,316 Enjoy your fucking tea. 421 00:22:48,912 --> 00:22:48,912 Bon appetit. 422 00:22:52,512 --> 00:22:52,512 It's good. 423 00:23:31,736 --> 00:23:31,736 Most people ruin dinner parties with salmonella, not me. 424 00:23:35,816 --> 00:23:35,816 If you come to my house, it's not the food that gives you nausea, 425 00:23:38,336 --> 00:23:38,336 it's the shocking revelations about the host. 426 00:23:42,776 --> 00:23:42,776 Oh, I'll do it in the morning, Shereen. 427 00:23:44,576 --> 00:23:44,576 Oh, it's fine.I said I'll do it! 428 00:23:46,976 --> 00:23:46,976 Sorry.Don't apologise! 429 00:23:49,376 --> 00:23:49,376 Why are you so nice to people? 430 00:23:51,060 --> 00:23:51,060 You let them walk all over you. 431 00:23:52,376 --> 00:23:52,376 It's not going to make them like you, it's fucking depressing! 432 00:23:57,536 --> 00:23:57,536 Stand up for yourself! 433 00:24:07,736 --> 00:24:07,736 Sorry. 434 00:24:24,416 --> 00:24:24,416 Hello? 435 00:24:26,096 --> 00:24:26,096 In here. 436 00:24:34,136 --> 00:24:34,136 Want some? 437 00:24:36,176 --> 00:24:36,176 Actually, you don't have any milk, do you? 438 00:24:39,776 --> 00:24:39,776 Milk? 439 00:24:40,976 --> 00:24:40,976 Yeah. 440 00:24:42,536 --> 00:24:42,536 Yeah. 441 00:24:43,616 --> 00:24:43,616 Thanks, just had a hankering. 442 00:24:57,056 --> 00:24:57,056 Cheers. 443 00:25:03,776 --> 00:25:03,776 Mm. 444 00:25:06,656 --> 00:25:06,656 It's a nice place. 445 00:25:09,296 --> 00:25:09,296 Good-sized rooms. 446 00:25:12,656 --> 00:25:12,656 I'll give you a tour. Kitchen, obviously. 447 00:25:17,816 --> 00:25:17,816 Conservatory, snug. 448 00:25:31,736 --> 00:25:31,736 Has she text back yet? 449 00:25:33,416 --> 00:25:33,416 Nope, not unless she's somehow changed her name to Mo in my phone 450 00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:36,536 and wants to know if I want this lovely table lamp 451 00:25:38,576 --> 00:25:38,576 she's getting rid of. 452 00:25:40,500 --> 00:25:40,500 Bit chintzy. 453 00:25:42,776 --> 00:25:42,776 I said yeah. 454 00:25:44,340 --> 00:25:44,340 Well done. 455 00:25:45,536 --> 00:25:45,536 It's Irish chic. 456 00:25:49,856 --> 00:25:49,856 That was weird. 457 00:25:51,060 --> 00:25:51,060 Well, at least we didn't get food poisoning. 458 00:25:53,216 --> 00:25:53,216 There's still time. 459 00:25:59,380 --> 00:25:59,380 Hello, Amber speaking. 460 00:26:01,016 --> 00:26:01,016 Oh, is that your phone voice? 461 00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:04,980 Nancy, hi. 462 00:26:06,176 --> 00:26:06,176 Do you want to come round? 463 00:26:07,976 --> 00:26:07,976 Um... Um... 464 00:26:10,420 --> 00:26:10,420 I'm still out, actually. 465 00:26:11,576 --> 00:26:11,576 OK. Well, another time, then. 466 00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:14,100 I could do next week. 467 00:26:16,256 --> 00:26:16,256 Yeah, just that work's a bit full-on next week, so... 468 00:26:19,256 --> 00:26:19,256 Oh, tell me about it! Work is absolutely madness here. 469 00:26:21,656 --> 00:26:21,656 She's totally using you, you idiot. 470 00:26:24,536 --> 00:26:24,536 Don't do it! 471 00:26:25,736 --> 00:26:25,736 Don't do it, just say no. 472 00:26:28,020 --> 00:26:28,020 Um, I could do, say, an hour? 473 00:26:33,780 --> 00:26:33,780 You are weak, mate! 474 00:26:35,456 --> 00:26:35,456 So weak! 475 00:26:37,496 --> 00:26:37,496 Great. 476 00:26:39,540 --> 00:26:39,540 Isn't it just? 477 00:26:40,980 --> 00:26:40,980 Great, so... Hello? 478 00:26:46,260 --> 00:26:46,260 Who are you? 479 00:26:49,376 --> 00:26:49,376 It's like when they change Bonds, I don't like it. 480 00:26:51,416 --> 00:26:51,416 No, cos what this is is I'm playing her. 481 00:26:54,896 --> 00:26:54,896 OK? I'm not going to go to hers, and she's going 482 00:26:57,176 --> 00:26:57,176 to be waiting, right, and I'm going to be here 483 00:27:00,296 --> 00:27:00,296 on the couch in my PJs, not at her house, where 484 00:27:03,776 --> 00:27:03,776 she is probably naked. 485 00:27:15,656 --> 00:27:15,656 One second.Just going to... 486 00:27:17,140 --> 00:27:17,140 Just going to what? 487 00:27:22,016 --> 00:27:22,016 And...bedroom. 488 00:27:25,256 --> 00:27:25,256 Oh, it's nice. 489 00:27:27,296 --> 00:27:27,296 Very tidy. 490 00:27:28,856 --> 00:27:28,856 It's a good size. 491 00:27:30,536 --> 00:27:30,536 Oh, iPad by the bed - naughty. 492 00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:32,500 Shouldn't use that before you go to sleep cos it's blue light 493 00:27:34,976 --> 00:27:34,976 and it keeps you up, you know, disturbs your sleep... 494 00:27:46,616 --> 00:27:46,616 Key performance indicator. 495 00:27:51,296 --> 00:27:51,296 And no-one can find out. 496 00:27:52,736 --> 00:27:52,736 Mum's the word. 497 00:27:54,420 --> 00:27:54,420 Not cos you're, you know... Yeah, sh! 498 00:28:11,936 --> 00:28:11,936 Come on. 499 00:28:17,216 --> 00:28:17,216 I don't know if I can. 500 00:28:19,136 --> 00:28:19,136 If you're worried about work, I'll be very discreet. 501 00:28:21,460 --> 00:28:21,460 No, like, physically. 502 00:28:23,936 --> 00:28:23,936 I've got a bit of a problem - don't know if it works. 503 00:28:28,136 --> 00:28:28,136 You know me, this. 504 00:28:29,576 --> 00:28:29,576 I mean, it works sometimes, I just don't really know when. 505 00:28:32,696 --> 00:28:32,696 It's quite inconsistent. 506 00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:38,216 I see. 507 00:28:39,220 --> 00:28:39,220 Yeah, I just don't want you to think that it's you. 508 00:28:41,460 --> 00:28:41,460 I know it's not me. It's definitely, definitely not you. 509 00:28:43,736 --> 00:28:43,736 Yep, yep. 510 00:28:46,256 --> 00:28:46,256 I...What do you want to do, Charlie? 511 00:28:55,060 --> 00:28:55,060 Well, if you still want to do something, 512 00:28:58,376 --> 00:28:58,376 then it would have to be me doing stuff to you.Right. 513 00:29:02,216 --> 00:29:02,216 That would probably help, you'd be doing me a favour. 514 00:29:07,496 --> 00:29:07,496 Happy to help. 515 00:29:23,096 --> 00:29:23,096 Helen, Helen! 516 00:29:26,216 --> 00:29:26,216 What?Your bag's on the seat. 517 00:29:29,140 --> 00:29:29,140 Oh, sorry. 518 00:29:33,536 --> 00:29:33,536 What did you just say to her? 519 00:29:35,816 --> 00:29:35,816 I said I was sorry cos my bag was on the seat.Oh. 520 00:29:39,176 --> 00:29:39,176 Didn't know you knew that word. 521 00:29:42,900 --> 00:29:42,900 Well, I do. Maybe you should say it, then. 522 00:29:44,696 --> 00:29:44,696 You should say it. Why should I say it? 523 00:29:46,616 --> 00:29:46,616 You're the one that behaved like a massive bitch. I can't believe you did that! 524 00:29:49,976 --> 00:29:49,976 I travelled, like, 500 miles to come and see you! 525 00:29:52,136 --> 00:29:52,136 The Proclaimers are in and they're proclaiming a load of shite! You just ignored me. 526 00:29:55,540 --> 00:29:55,540 Pretty hard to ignore you when everything you do is so somebody will look at you. 527 00:30:03,416 --> 00:30:03,416 Yeah, well everyone's looking at you now so you don't have to worry about that. 528 00:30:06,900 --> 00:30:06,900 Bet you hate that. 529 00:30:08,216 --> 00:30:08,216 No, I hate that everyone gets fun Marnie and I get this shit. 530 00:30:14,816 --> 00:30:14,816 You love when I'm shit because then nobody notices that you're shit. 531 00:30:17,696 --> 00:30:17,696 You're shit! 532 00:30:18,656 --> 00:30:18,656 OK, well, I'd rather be shit than mental. 533 00:30:31,256 --> 00:30:31,256 Bye. 534 00:30:46,260 --> 00:30:46,260 Excuse me. 535 00:30:53,940 --> 00:30:53,940 I'm sorry.Me too. 536 00:31:01,620 --> 00:31:01,620 I don't think that you're mental. 537 00:31:04,736 --> 00:31:04,736 I was just really fucking angry at you for leaving me. 538 00:31:08,216 --> 00:31:08,216 I didn't leave you. 539 00:31:11,860 --> 00:31:11,860 I left me. 540 00:31:15,176 --> 00:31:15,176 Please come back. 541 00:31:18,416 --> 00:31:18,416 You're not you when you're down here. 542 00:31:25,496 --> 00:31:25,496 I think we need to not be friends for a bit. 543 00:31:33,776 --> 00:31:33,776 You can't not be my friend. 544 00:31:37,136 --> 00:31:37,136 Cos all I've got is you and my hair. 545 00:31:50,456 --> 00:31:50,456 Are you breaking up with me? 546 00:32:01,856 --> 00:32:01,856 I love you, but I hate how I feel when I'm with you. 547 00:32:07,856 --> 00:32:07,856 I'm sorry. 548 00:32:10,736 --> 00:32:10,736 I think I just need to be on my own for a bit until I sort myself out. 549 00:32:27,296 --> 00:32:27,296 Well, I should go. 550 00:32:30,656 --> 00:32:30,656 Will you be OK? 551 00:32:36,416 --> 00:32:36,416 I'll fuck your dad to get back at you. 552 00:32:49,376 --> 00:32:49,376 It's not me, it's her. 553 00:32:51,896 --> 00:32:51,896 Light of my life, bonfire of my existence. 554 00:32:55,060 --> 00:32:55,060 She used to make me feel warm inside, now she's set my heart 555 00:32:58,740 --> 00:32:58,740 on fire, like an arson attack. 556 00:33:01,496 --> 00:33:01,496 We are ashes. 557 00:33:03,896 --> 00:33:03,896 But now new life can grow. 558 00:33:07,016 --> 00:33:07,016 # Although I might be laughing loud and hearty 559 00:33:13,256 --> 00:33:13,256 # Deep inside I'm blue 560 00:33:16,736 --> 00:33:16,736 # So take a good look at my face 561 00:33:21,940 --> 00:33:21,940 # You'll see my smile looks out of place 562 00:33:26,816 --> 00:33:26,816 # If you look closer it's easy to trace 563 00:33:31,380 --> 00:33:31,380 # The tracks of my tears 564 00:33:37,140 --> 00:33:37,140 # I need you 565 00:33:38,456 --> 00:33:38,456 # Need you 566 00:33:39,540 --> 00:33:39,540 # Need you 567 00:33:40,736 --> 00:33:40,736 # Need you 568 00:33:43,060 --> 00:33:43,060 # Since you left me if you see me with another girl 569 00:33:47,696 --> 00:33:47,696 # Seeming like I'm having fun 570 00:33:51,700 --> 00:33:51,700 # Although she may be cute she's just a substitute 571 00:33:56,696 --> 00:33:56,696 # Because you're the permanent one 572 00:34:01,136 --> 00:34:01,136 # So take a good look at my face 573 00:34:06,296 --> 00:34:06,296 # You'll see my smile looks out of place 574 00:34:10,496 --> 00:34:10,496 # Look a little bit closer it's easy to trace. # 58461

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