Original subtitles

Wendy: THERE ARE TRIBES IN AFRICA

THAT LEAD THEIR YOUNG PEOPLE TO THE EDGE OF THE VILLAGE,

STRIP THEM OF EVERYTHING,

THEN SEND THEM OUT INTO THE BUSH

FOR A 40-DAY PHYSICAL AND SPIRITUAL ORDEAL.

IF THE YOUNG PEOPLE SURVIVE,

THEY ARE OFFICIALLY INITIATED

INTO THE COMMUNITY.

OUR TRIBE HAS A DIFFERENT RITUAL.

IT'S CALLED "SUMMER CAMP."

Jasper: WE MADE FUN OF THE CAMP WORKBOOK, BUT...

Talia: THE SMILING IDIOTS ON THE COVER,

AND THE PATHETIC CLICHES INSIDE...

Adam: THE WORK BOOKLET SAID WE'D LEARN

THE TRUE MEANING OF RESPONSIBILITY

WHILE CREATING MEMORIES THAT LAST A LIFETIME.

Donald: WHAT A JOKE.

Talia, aloud: ARE WE REALLY GONNA HAVE TO FOLLOW THIS?

Wendy: HI, CAMPERS.

WHO'S HUNGRY FOR SOME SUPER SUMMER FUN?

YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE THE BEST SUMMER.

Donald: HEY, KIDS!

Wichita: OK, YOU'RE IN MY WORLD NOW.

Adam: WHAT'D I SAY?

WHEN THE HAND GOES UP, THE MOUTHS GO SHUT.

Talia: DON'T GIVE ME ANY LIP, ALL RIGHT? I'VE GOT A HEADACHE.

* DO YOUR EARS HANG LOW? *

Wichita: COUNSELORS DEFINE THEMSELVES QUICKLY.

WENDY WAS THE PERKY GIRL

WHO STILL BELIEVED IN ALL THE SILLY LITTLE RULES,

AND ALL THE SILLY LITTLE SONGS.

GO AHEAD AND MAKE FUN OF HER,

BUT SHE WAS OUR QUEEN.

HEY, COUNSELOR! WHAT?!

THIS CAMP SUCKS SHIT!

A GOOD COUNSELOR'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHEN WE EAT

AND WHERE ARE THE HORSES

AND WHY YOU WEAR THOSE STUPID UNIFORMS--

WHAT?! HOLY JESUS!

Pixel: DONALD DARK LIKED TO THINK OF HIMSELF

AS A WITTY, INTELLIGENT YOUNG MAN

TRAPPED IN A GEEK'S BODY.

UNFORTUNATELY, A WITTY, INTELLIGENT YOUNG MAN

TRAPPED IN A GEEK'S BODY IS STILL A GEEK.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE A FRIEND.

YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER

MY FIRST DAY AT CAMP.

OH, CHRIST. I WAS SO NERVOUS--

HOWDY, POUTY! WE NEED ANOTHER MUSKRAT

TO JOIN OUR SUNSHINE CIRCLE.

SCURRY UP! ISN'T FUN GREAT?

Talia: "ISN'T FUN GREAT?"

YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING.

I'M WENDY!

Campers: * IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW STOMP YOUR FEET *

* IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW STOMP YOUR FEET *

Adam: TALIA LIKED KIDS, BUT ONLY IN THEORY.

TALIA LIKED NATURE, BUT ONLY IN PHOTOGRAPHS.

TALIA WAS TEMPORARILY LOCATED 72 MILES FROM A REAL CITY

AND A DECENT ESPRESSO FOR ONE REASON--HIM,

HER COLLEGE PAL WICHITA.

COLLEGE IS ENTERTAINING,

BUT AFTER 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS OF THIS,

I THINK WE'RE REALLY GONNA

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW, IN A MORE KIND OF--

I'M SORRY, I GOTTA GO CONFISCATE MY FIRST WATER BALLOON.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S HAVE IT.

COME ON!

WEAK! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU LITTLE VAGINAS?

NEXT!

Wendy: ADAM NEEDED LITTLE ELABORATION.

AS A CHILD, HE TASTED THE WHIP,

AND NOW IT WAS HIS TURN TO GET BACK.

LIKE ALL THE FINE COACHES AND GYM TEACHERS BEFORE HIM,

HE TRULY BELIEVED

IT WAS FOR THE LITTLE BASTARDS' OWN GOOD.

AAH! I WON'T GO! LET GO OF ME! HELP!

THERE, THERE.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO CAMP!

HEY, PAL! CINNAMON, SPEARMINT, OR BOTH?

OH, WOW. THANKS.

THERE YOU GO.

Adam: COME ON, SHOW SOME FURY!

THANKS, WICHITA.

ISN'T THAT CHEATING?

WHATEVER WORKS. YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

IT BEATS THE HELL OUT OF "THERE, THERE."

Talia: JASPER WAS OUR SENSITIVE COUNSELOR--

SEEMINGLY SHY, ACTUALLY SLY,

A LOT MORE THAN MET THE EYE.

YOU TOUCHED ME!

YOU TOUCHED ME!

NO! DON'T TOUCH ME!

DON'T TOUCH ME!

DON'T TOUCH ME!

MEET TODD... FROM OUR CABIN.

OOH!

Todd: SHE TOUCHED ME!

Jasper: AS FOR THE TWISTED TINKERBELL

WITH THE BAND-AIDS,

HER NAME WAS PIXEL.

IT WAS DANGEROUS TO TRY AND FIGURE THIS COUNSELOR OUT.

PIXEL HERSELF WISELY NEVER TRIES.

OOH!

Wendy: AND FINALLY, WICHITA.

Donald: HERE WAS SOMEONE WITH ANARCHY IN HIS EYES.

Pixel: HERE WAS SOMEONE, PERIOD.

Adam: WICHITA WOULD HAVE

AN IMMEDIATE EFFECT ON EVERYONE.

Wendy: EVEN THOSE OF US

THOUGHT TO HAVE NO ACTUAL FEELINGS.

Adam: YOU THROW PEOPLE TOGETHER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST,

THEY BECOME SOMETHING MORE

THAN A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TOGETHER

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST.

Talia: PERSONALITY TRAITS BLEND IN TO ONE ANOTHER--

SWEET, BITTER, MORAL, IMMORAL,

OVERCONFIDENT, OVERWHELMED.

Jasper: A STRANGE ENVIRONMENT IS CREATED,

ONE IN WHICH ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS TO ANYONE

HAPPENS TO YOU.

Pixel: WELCOME TO CAMP BLEEDING DOVE.

Via loudspeaker: WELCOME TO CAMP BLEEDING DOVE!

I AM OBERON,

BIG CHIEF OBERON.

IT'S FUN. I LIKE IT.

YOU THINK I DON'T?

UHH! AAH!

FUN WITHOUT STRUCTURE

IS CHAOS.

CHAOS IS NOT FUN.

NOW, EVERYBODY TAKE OFF YOUR BAND-AID.

RED!

GREEN! BLUE!

YES, IT HAS BEGUN! AND I DECLARE WAR--

THE WAR OF COLORS!

I WANT REDS THERE, GREENS THERE,

BLUES RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!

Camper: I DIDN'T GET A BAND-AID!

NOW, WHO'S GOT MORE CAMP PRIDE?!

RED! RED!

GREEN! GREEN!

BLUE! BLUE!

RED! RED! RED!

BLUE! BLUE! BLUE!

SOMETHING TELLS ME HE CAN'T HEAR US.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

HMM!

GOOD, RIGHT? YEAH.

ONE MORE TIME!

[EVERYONE BUT WENDY STOPS YELLING]

Wendy: GREEN! GREEN! GREEN!

WHOA! WHOA! HEY! HEY!

GREEN!

SHH! SHH!

OOPSY.

Oberon: WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE SEEN AN EPILEPTIC CAMPER BEFORE?

Camper: IS SHE GONNA DIE?

Oberon: PATHETIC! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, COUNSELORS?

GET THESE INDIANS INTO CABINS

AND ON TO ACTIVITIES! SWIFTNESS!

THEN ON TO THE CAMPFIRE!

BUT EVEN MORE THAN THE TASTE OF S'MORES,

HE ENJOYED THE TASTE

OF CAMPER FLESH!

OK! OK, OK.

DON'T EVERYONE ALL TALK AT ONCE.

FIRST OF ALL, LITTLE WILLY HAS A LEARNING DISABILITY.

YES, IT'S CALLED BEING REALLY STUPID.

WHAT WE NEED IS MORE RITALIN.

CAN'T WE START MAKING HIM SNORT IT OR SOMETHING?

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH THE BAD BOY, BILLY?

YOU KNOW, THE BOVINE, LITTLE HOME-SCHOOLED LAD

TURNED TODAY'S DODGE BALL GAME INTO DODGE SCISSORS.

YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY, DONALD DARK.

TO GET CAMPER ALLEGIANCE, YOU FIRST HAVE TO TAKE AWAY

THEIR SELF-RESPECT.

THEN YOU BLEED THE LITTLE BASTARD UNTIL, YOU KNOW...

THIS IS A SUMMER CAMP, NOT A CONCENTRATION ONE,

YOU OBVIOUS NAZI BITCH.

HIPPIE HAG.

COUNSELORS! COUNSELORS! INSTEAD OF GETTING ALL MAD

AT OUR LITTLE TASMANIAN DEVILS,

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF GETTING GLAD AT THEM?

WENDY BEAR,

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT

YOUR GUYS' LITTLE POW-WOW, BUT, UH...

ISN'T THAT BAD BOY BILLY OVER THERE,

MUNCHING DOWN ON SOMETHING STOLEN

FROM THE CHAPEL COMMUNION HOUSE?

Talia: WHOA!

HOW DO YOU TELL THE ANTICHRIST TO TAKE A TIME

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE TO BE JEWISH DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF

- DESECRATING THE LORD'S BODY. - SURE IT DOES.

LOOK AT THE WORK BOOKLET, PAGE 6-C:

"FREEDOM OF RELIGIOUS EXPRESSION."

WENDY, YOU SUCK AS A COUNSELOR.

OH! OH!

THAT'S HARSH, MAN.

CALM DOWN, EVERYONE. "SUCKS" IS THE MOST DISGUSTINGLY

OVERUSED WORD IN THE CURRENT ENGLISH LANGUAGE,

SO I FIGURED IF I COULD REVERSE THE MEANING

TO WHERE IT MEANT SOMETHING POSITIVE,

BECAUSE HISTORICALLY, "SUCKS" ISN'T A BAD WORD--

MOTHER'S NIPPLE, SNO CONES, LOLLI SHIT LIKE THAT--

OH, FUCK IT. I DON'T KNOW.

JUST CALL IT MY SOCIAL EXPERIMENT OF THE SUMMER.

SO THAT'S ONE OF THE PEARLS FROM YOUR MYSTERIOUS JOURNAL.

Donald: IS ANYBODY PAYING ATTENTION

TO WHAT BIG CHIEF OBERON IS SAYING?

Oberon: HE TURNED INTO A HORRIBLE BEAST,

READY TO SODOMIZE ANYTHING THAT GOT IN HIS WAY

AND EAT THEM RAW.

THAT'S A LITTLE HARSH.

AND ON PARENTS' DAY,

ALL THE CHILDREN RUSHED FROM THEIR CABINS

TO SEE THE CORPSES

OF THEIR SLAUGHTERED MOMMIES AND DADDIES

NAILED TO THE PICNIC TABLE!

WHO'S IN A YUMMY TUMMY MARSHMALLOWY MOOD?

HERE! HERE!

Campers: * THERE IS A PLACE I'M DREAMING OF *

* MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME *

* CAMP BLEEDING DOVE *

* OF ALL THE... *

Wendy: FIND AMBER STIMSON. DON'T TOUCH TODD.

JASON B. IS THE BLOND, JASON R. HAS THE HARELIP.

THURSDAY IS PINATA DAY.

YOU'RE DOING A SUPER JOB, WENDY. KEEP IT TOGETHER.

KEEP IT TOGETHER. YOU CAN TAKE THE PRESSURE.

YOU CAN TAKE IT!

WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

I DON'T KNOW.

DON'T WORRY, I HAD EVERYTHING

ON THAT HAND MEMORIZED.

YOU GOTTA STOP TAKING FUN SO SERIOUSLY.

ARE WE ALLOWED TO START HATING WENDY YET?

OH, GEE, WICHITA.

I GUESS MOSQUITOES JUST THINK I TASTE BETTER.

YOU AND WICHITA GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER, RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

HAVE YOU 2 EVER--

THAT WOULD BE A NO.

THAT WANTS TO BE A YES.

IT CAME UP THAT HE USED TO BE A CAMP COUNSELOR,

AND I USED TO BE A CAMP COUNSELOR.

HE CAN BE A CRUDE, ARROGANT LITTLE...

BUT HE WRITES POETRY-- THE UNTERRIBLE KIND--

AND...I DON'T KNOW.

JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF.

GET HIM ALONE FOR THE SUMMER,

OUT IN THE WILDERNESS,

UNDERNEATH THE STARS...

WELL, MY GRAND PLAN IS TO FIND--

AMBER! WHAT ARE YOU--

Boy: OH, SHIT! UH...

DON'T DO THAT!

WHOO! FIRST DAY OF CAMP.

COLOR ME IMPRESSED.

REMINDS ME OF SOMEONE I ONCE KNEW.

JUST PROMISE ME YOU WON'T TRY

MOVING SO FAST WITH WICHITA.

OH, DON'T WORRY.

I HAVE 39 MORE DAYS

TO FIND THE PERFECT MOMENT

TO TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.

AND IT HURTS TOO MUCH

TO KEEP THESE FEELINGS INSIDE ME ANY LONGER.

I MEAN... Wichita: TALIA...

YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT

OUR FRIENDSHIP IS TO ME.

"HOW IMPORTANT OUR FRIENDSHIP"?

OH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A TRULY BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

OH, STOP. PLEASE STOP.

YOU KNOW, I JUST NEVER LOOKED AT YOU

IN THAT WAY.

I GOTTA, UH...

I GOTTA DO A BUNK CHECK

OR SOME GODDAMNED THING.

I'M SORRY, HONEY. I COMPLETELY FORGOT.

WHY WERE YOU CRYING?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET... GUM?

SHEILA!

GOODNESS, GRACIOUS. THE NIGHT ONE SLEEPWALKER.

WENDY, THE IMPORTANT THING

IS THAT WHEN WE FIND HER,

DO NOT--REPEAT, DO NOT JAR HER AWAKE.

MY LITTLE BROTHER CHRISTIAN, HE'S A SLEEPWALKER--

YOU 2 KEEP LOOKING. I LEFT PIXEL ALONE WITH THE GIRLS,

AND THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT PIXEL

THAT I DON'T QUITE TRUST.

Pixel: COME ON, YOU CALL THAT STRIPPING?

LET'S SEE SOME ASS!

FOR TIPS AND FOR TIPS ONLY!

THEY WORKED HARD ON THIS. WHOO!

THIS ISN'T THE HOKEY POKEY!

COME ON, YOU GUYS, WORK THAT BODY!

DON'T JUST STAND THERE! YOU ALL LOOK TERRIFIC!

WENDY ALERT.

[MUSIC AND YELLING STOPS ABRUPTLY]

Camper: COME ON, GUYS. MOVIE.

Pixel: 2 WORDS.

OH, WAIT! HOUSE OF HORRORS!

I KNOW I SAID THIS BEFORE,

BUT JUST REMEMBER,

WHEN YOU FIND SHEILA THE SLEEPWALKER,

IT'S IMPORTANT NOT TO JAR HER AWAKE.

LISTEN-- WHAT?

I'M GAY.

I WASN'T GONNA SAY ANYTHING, BUT, WHAT THE HELL, YOU KNOW?

OH, YEAH. WHAT THE HELL?

I FELT EVERYBODY WAS GETTIN THIS SEXUALLY CONFUSED VIBE FROM ME.

DON'T JAR HER AWAKE.

I'M NOT, YOU KNOW? OK.

I'M STRAIGHT-UP FAIRY.

SHEILA! WHERE IS SHE?

IT'S GETTING LATE. WE SHOULD--

DONALD, RELAX. WHAT?

I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU.

OH, GOD! FINE! GOOD!

I'M NOT EVEN-- HA HA! YOU KNOW?

I AM.

OK. GAY. GAY'S GREAT.

YES, IT IS.

WHOA! IT IS FOR YOU,

AND--AND--AND NOT--

LOOK, JUST BE GAY, AND YAY FOR GAY.

YAY! GAY!

AAH!

AAH! OW!

AAH! AAH! OW!

* THERE IS A PLACE *

* I'M DREAMING OF *

* MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME *

* CAMP BLEEDING DOVE *

Wendy: THE FIRST WEEK OF CAMP HAD SWISHED ON BY.

ASIDE FROM A BURNT HAND,

EVERYTHING WAS GOING ACCORDING TO SCHEDULE,

ACCORDING TO PLAN.

* I'LL REMEMBER BLEEDING DOVE *

* MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME *

MAN, CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE TALIA

A SLOPPY MERCY FUCK

SO SHE WON'T BOTHER YOU ANYMORE?

IT'S NOT THAT EASY, DUDE.

IT'S LIKE, UH...

YOU KNOW, TALIA'S MY BEST FRIEND.

OH.

BUT THANKS FOR VOTING.

YOU GOT A BIGGER PROBLEM SLEEPING RIGHT NEXT TO YOU

AND IT RHYMES WITH BIG FAG.

YOUR CABIN MATE'S AFFECTING THE CAMP BUG JUICE, MAN.

YOU NEVER--

OH, HELLO.

TALK ABOUT FLIPPING THE SCRIPT.

THAT CREEPY, FREAK WAIF IN ACTUALITY,

IS A HOT, TIGHT, WET PIECE OF SUMMER PEACH

JUST WAITING TO BE PICKED.

RISE, SHINE, NOW!

MESS HALL, 9 MINUTES! MOVE IT!

* MAMA DON'T ALLOW NO HAND CLAPPIN' ROUND HERE *

* WE DON'T CARE WHAT MAMA DON'T WANT *

* CLAP HANDS MAMA DON'T ALLOW HAND CLAPPIN' ROUND HERE *

HEY.

* MAMA DON'T ALLOW NO FOOT STOMPIN' ROUND HERE *

* MAMA DON'T ALLOW FOOT STOMPIN'HERE *

* WE DON'T CARE WHAT MAMA DON'T WANT *

* GONNA STAMP OUR FEET ANYHOW *

* MAMA DON'T ALLOW FOOT STOMPIN' HERE *

* MAMA DON'T ALLOW NO YEE-HAW AROUND HERE *

YEE-HAW!

HOW, CAMPERS!

Together: HOW, BIG CHIEF OBERON!

BETTER. IT'S GETTING BETTER!

INSPECTION RESULTS!

CABIN 4...

DEAD FLY.

THAT'S 24-HOURS GAMEBOY CONFISCATION.

AW! AW!

Oberon: AND IT LOOKS LIKE CABIN 6

HAS A BED-WETTER.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS ANYONE,

BUT HIS INITIALS ARE RICK JOHNSON!

HERE!

COME ON!

LOSER.

CAMPERS!

ARE YOU READY FOR WEEK 2?

YEAH!

GOOD!

THE TIMETABLES ARE GONNA GET TIGHTER,

AND THE WAR IS GONNA GET TOUGHER.

NOW, IF YOU'LL LOOK TO WENDY,

YOU'LL SEE TODAY'S ACTIVITIES--

HAS BEEN CANCELLED AND REPLACED BY

YOUR FIRST HOUR OF FREE TIME

YOUR WHOLE SUMMER CAMP EXPERIENCE.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS,

BUT I'M GONNA HIT THE LAKE!

LET'S GO!

* TALK IT, BABY *

* I'M SINGIN' *

* UHH *

Oberon: COED CAMPS--

ANARCHY, BY DEFINITION.

IF YOU STOP CHANNELING THIS DISGUSTING,

HYENA-TWITCHING ENERGY,

EVEN FOR A SECOND, FLUIDS BUILD UP,

GENERATORS START TO RUMBLE.

YOU HAVE TO BE ON TOP OF IT--

YES, SIR--24 HOURS.

THANK GOD MY BIBLE CAMP LOST ITS FUNDING.

AW, YEAH.

WOW. AY, CHIHUAHUA.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS TAKE A PICTURE?

IT'LL LAST YOU A LITTLE LONGER, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, WICHITA.

WES, MY MAN, UM...

I WAS KIND OF INSINUATING THAT IT'S NOT COOL TO STARE.

OH.

Radio deejay: AND NOW, THE GREATEST

OF ALL SUMMER LOVE BALLADS,

* UNFORGETTABLE *

GOD, I HATE THIS SONG.

OH, I LOVE THIS SONG.

* SUMMER LOVE *

* RAIN FALLS FROM THE SKIES ABOVE *

WHOA! YEAH!

WICHITA.

WICHITA. SHH!

Wichita.

Wichita.

Wichita!

Wichita!

Wichita! Wichita!

AAH!

OH, YEAH!

Boy: YOU HIT WENDY, MAN!

Second boy: YOU HIT HER RIGHT IN THE CHEST! THAT WAS SO COOL.

NOTHING PERSONAL, Y'ALL. I JUST HATE THAT DAMN SONG!

HA HA! YOU RUINED HER RADIO, MAN!

THAT WAS SO COOL!

Wichita: I KNOW, I COULDN'T DO IT AGAIN.

MAN, I COULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT!

WHOO! WHOO!

Boy: OH!

Donald: AND THAT'S HOW IT BEGAN--WITH A FROG:

THE END OF ONE SUMMER CAMP

AND THE BEGINNING OF ANOTHER.

LOOK AT THEM GO.

WENDY'S AN ADORABLE BURST OF SUNSHINE,

AND WICHITA'S A SMOKING HOT

PIECE OF STEEL.

ISN'T IT ROMANTIC THE WAY THAT THEY

COULD TURN OUT TO LIKE EACH OTHER?

IT'S JUST LIKE A MOVIE.

LET'S FOLLOW 'EM.

HEY! WAIT--WAIT-- WAIT A MINUTE!

HAVEN'T YOU GUYS EVER SEEN MOVIES WHERE THE--

HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN MOVIES

WHERE THE SWEET, SEXY GIRL REALIZES,

"HEY, MAYBE I DON'T HAVE TO BE

WITH THE HOTTEST HUNK"? YOU KNOW?

Camper: THOSE MOVIES ARE PATHETIC.

MAYBE THAT NICE, CARING YOUNG MAN--

THE ONE THE OTHERS SOMETIMES CALL "NERD" OR "GEEK"--

MAYBE HE'S THE ONE WHO WE CAN...

COME ON, YOU'VE SEEN MOVIES. BACK ME UP.

YOU TOUCHED ME! YOU TOUCHED ME!

Camper: THERE HE GOES AGAIN.

WHY'D YOU TOUCH ME?

YOU TOUCHED ME. I'M SORRY.

Donald: YOU SEE, SOME LIKE HORSEBACK RIDING,

SOME LIKE MAKING MOCCASINS, BUT NOW,

EVERYONE'S FAVORITE ACTIVITY

WAS THE WATCHING OF THE ATTRACTED OPPOSITES--

RULEMAKER WENDY AND RULEBREAKER WICHITA.

THEY HAD BECOME THE HEART OF THE CAMP,

PUMPING LIFE TO ITS EVERY PORE.

AAH!

WHAT KIND OF A SICK, FUCKY!

AND LOOK AT ALL OF YOU,

YOU GIDDY, FREAKY WITNESSES!

I COMMAND A COMPLETE CAMP LOCKDOWN UNTIL DAWN.

NO ONE IS TO LEAVE THEIR CABIN,

AND NO ONE IS TO EEK ONE WORD ABOUT THIS INCIDENT

OR THE ENTIRE SUBJECT OF SEXUALITY

UNTIL I CAN CONCOCT PROPER PUNISHMENT.

MOVE IT!

HEY, WAIT AT THE CABINS, CHILDREN!

Camper: HOW LONG DO WE KEEP UP

THIS QUEASY MASSAGE SHIT?

DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO WICHITA? YOU WANT TO BE WITH A GIRL

INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING ABOUT IT, MASSAGE ABILITY IS KEY.

LOOK, IT'S GOTTA BE A ROLLING MOTION.

THIS SUCKS!

THANKS. WICHITA SAYS THAT EVERYONE COOL KNOWS THAT "SUCKS

IS A GOOD WORD NOW. DAMN, MAN.

WICHITA'S FAVORITE DOESN'T MEAN YOU'VE TO BE SUCH A DRAG.

HURRY! HERE COMES DON'T TOUCH ME TODD!

LET'S DO THE THING!

Camper: YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST THINKING...

ISN'T IT GREAT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR OWN MOTHER?

OH, YEAH! SEX WITH MOM IS THE BOMB,

RIGHT, TODD?

AW, NO WAY. NO WAY TODD'S THAT FLY.

BET YOU'VE NEVER MADE LOVE TO YOUR MOTHER ONCE, HAVE YOU?

SEX WITH MY MOM?!

YEAH--I MEAN, TONS OF TIMES.

I MEAN, EVERY NIGHT, YOU KNOW?

HE FELL FOR IT! WHAT A FREAK!

DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!

DON'T TOUCH ME!

YOU TOUCHED ME! YOU TOUCHED ME, MOMMY!

MAMA! MOMMY!

OH, AND PIXEL SAYS WHAT COMES OUT

TASTES LIKE SALTY PANCAKE BATTER.

OH, MY GOD! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

WAIT. WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

OOH, THEY'RE SO "NAUGHTY."

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE LAME

THAN A BUNCH OF BIMBETTES

TALKING ABOUT S

YEAH, HAYLEY, PRETTY LAME.

I GOT A GOOD ONE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO

IF YOU WERE IN A CABIN ALL ALONE...

YOU GOT BRITNEY SPEARS, PHOEBE CATES--

OLD SCHOOL, BABY, YEAH.

HALLE BERRY, AND PAMELA ANDERSON

ALL IN ONE ROOM, BUTT-ASS NAKED.

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT,

ONE OF 'EM HAS, GENITAL WARTS, AND YOU CAN'T USE A CONDOM.

CALL ME CONSERVATIVE,

BUT I'D JUST RUB MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT

ON ALL THEIR FACES,

BEFORE BESTOWING THE FINAL HONORS

TO DIVINE MISS BERRY'S LOVELY VISAGE.

HA HA HA!

ONLY A VIRGIN COULD ANSWER THAT FAST.

HA HA HA!

I MEAN, NO--NO! I'M NOT A VIRGIN!

UH!

DOESN'T IT COUNT-- I READ SOMEWHERE THAT--

YOU EITHER HAVE OR YOU HAVEN'T.

IT'S PASS-FAIL, DAFFY DUCK.

WELL, FINE. THEN, MAYBE I'M JUST WAITING

FOR THE RIGHT GIRL.

RIGHT GIRL?

I THOUGHT WE WERE TALKING

ABOUT SEX, MAN.

PARDON MY FRENCH,

BUT THE RIGHT GIRL IS ONE AVEC A PUSSY.

TELL HIM, COACH.

SEE, GUYS ARE DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW HOW A GIRL FEELS LIKE A WHORE

IF A GUY'S ONLY IN IT FOR THE POON, RIGHT?

WHAT WOMEN FAIL TO UNDERSTAND

IS THAT A MAN IS EQUALLY ASHAMED

IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON JUST TALKING

AND SHARING FEELINGS.

DO YOU REALIZE IF THE WOMEN OF AMERICA

JUST HEARD WHAT YOU SAID--

THEY WOULDN'T BE A BIT SURPRISED.

I GOT AN "F," A "C," A "K,"

AND ALL THAT'S MISSIN' FROM THAT SHIT IS A "U."

YOU KNOW, I FIGURE, FUCK IT!

THAT'S RIGHT.

HA HA HA! BUT--

LET ME SMELL YOUR FINGER.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S FRANK, Y'ALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE, THOUGH?

OK, A BITCH SAYS YES

TO GOING OUT TO DINNER,

AND THEN YOU GET

TO THE RESTAURANT,

SHE ORDERS CHIPS AND SALSA

AND APPETIZERS-- ALL THAT SHIT--

DESSERT?

AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING HOME,

AND YOU WHIP IT OUT, SHE GETS ALL,

"NO MEANS NO" ON YOUR ASS?

THEY ALWAYS DO THAT SHIT! WHAT'S UP WITH THAT SHIT?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO?

YOU GOTTA GO DOWN AND SHIT,

AND YOU GOTTA START WIGGLING YOUR TONGUE ALL AROUND,

JUST TO GET A LOOK AT A BITCH'S BODY!

YOU MADE MY ENORMOUS COCK FALL OFF.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU DICKWEEDS,

BUT I GOTTA GO TAKE A NICE LONG JUICY DUMP.

WENDY, MEN AREN'T THAT DISGUSTING.

HOO-WAH.

THAT WAS ONE OF THE 5 GREAT SHITS OF MY LIFE.

MMM.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU START OFF

WITH THAT INCREDIBLE RESISTANCE

AND THEN POW!

2 NEAT PACKAGES YOU BARELY HAVE TO WIPE.

MAN, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

Donald: WHEW! I NEED A HUG.

HA HA!

MAN, I MADE A GRANDE GRUMPY THE OTHER DAY.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER TO FLUSH IT

OR SEND IT TO PRESCHOOL.

HA HA HA!

HUH! OH! OH!

UH-OH.

OK. HUH.

OH, SO THAT'S IT. SO NOW I'M THE GAY GUY.

SO EVERY TIME I WALK INTO A ROOM,

I'M GOING TO BE AVOIDED

LIKE A SPANDAU BALLET TRIBUTE ALBUM.

Adam: MAN, NOBODY ASKED YOU TO BE A HOMOSEXUAL.

YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING TREATED GAY

WHEN YOU ARE...GAY.

WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT,

DID YOU GET YOUR PHYSICAL RESULTS BACK YET OR...?

POSITIVE IS GOOD, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THE ONLY TOXIC ASSHOLE

IN THIS CABIN IS YOU.

HA HA HA!

Jasper: WICHITA, WICHITA, WICHITA...

WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH US CLOWNS

WHEN YOU KNOW HOW BADLY

WENDY WANTS TO BE YOUR WONDERWALL?

ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?

LOOK, I BELIEVE IN NOTHIN', SHE BELIEVES IN EVERYTHING.

I LISTEN TO IGGY, SHE LISTENS TO BARNEY.

MAN, YOU'RE DOTH PROTESTING WAY TOO MUCH.

JUST ADMIT THAT YOU WANT HER.

Adam: IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

THE ENTIRE CAMP IS ON QUARANTINE BECAUSE OF YOU TWO.

NOW, INSTEAD OF SLIPPING A FROG IN HER PANTS,

YOU SHOULD SLIP HER THE OLD BALD FERRET!

LISTEN, YOU VIKINGS,

WENDY'S A VERY YOUNG AND INEXPERIENCED LADY.

NOW, I DON'T WANT TO BE THE GUY

THAT STEALS THE CHERRY OFF OF HER BANANA SPLIT.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BE EXECUTED AT DAWN ANYWAYS.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL COMMIT THE CRIME.

GO TO HER, WICHITA.

MAKE US PROUD, MAN.

GUYS YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH.

WHAT, ME AND WICHITA?

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

HE THINKS HE'S SO ALTERNATIVE

WITH ALL HIS BROODING AND HIS--

I MEAN, HE'S HARDLY UNINTERESTING, BUT--

UH-HUH.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO GET A LITTLE STUPID AND CONTAGIOUS.

WHAT THE KIDS DON'T UNDERSTAND

IS THAT THIS IS OUR SUMMER, TOO.

I MEAN, WE DON'T HAVE TO PUT OUR LIVES ON HOLD

TO BE THEIR BUTLERS.

I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

THIS WHOLE ACTUAL SEXUALITY THING.

HOW DO YOU GO FROM JUST BEING FRIENDS WITH A GUY WANTING TO

PUT THE THING HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM WITH IN YOUR MOUTH?

AAH!

COME ON, MAN. LET'S GO!

DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING GOOD?

HEY, I KNOW ABOUT WOMEN. I HAD THIS BABY-SITTER--

WES. WES.

HAVE YOU EVER HAD A WOMAN'S PUSSY

WRAPPED COMPLETELY AROUND YOUR HEAD?

UH, NO.

WHAT WERE YOU, A BUTTHOLE BABY?

OH HO HO. BUTTHOLE BABY.

Wichita: WES, MY MAN,

IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF TURNING INTO ONE OF THOSE,

EAT SOME DRANO.

IT'S FOR THE BETTER OF THE SPECIES.

NOW, COME ON, YOU GUYS, IT'S LATE. GET TO BED.

IF IT WERE UP TO ME, I'D LET YOU GUYS STAY UP ALL NIGHT.

YOU KIDS OUGHT TO DO THE SAME.

HEY.

WELL, I'LL BE DAMNED.

IS THAT COFFEE? GIMME, GIMME, GIMME.

AHEM.

SO WHAT DID YOU GALS TALK ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, VIOLENCE IN OUR SCHOOLS,

THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RIGHT TO VOTE.

YEAH, WE TALKED ABOUT SEX, TOO.

OBERON MUST BE TWITCHING IN HIS SLEEP.

I HAD FUN TONIGHT.

I EVEN GOT ALONG WITH TALIA FOR ABOUT 3 MINUTES.

I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE HATES ME SO MUCH.

SURE YOU DO.

YEAH, I GUESS I DO.

YOU KNOW, DON'T WORRY ABOUT TALIA. SHE'S A ROCK.

WELL, ANN TAYLOR WOULD HAVE PAID A LOT MORE,

I WOULDN'T TRADE THIS EXPERIENCE FOR THE WORLD.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES, I THINK THE FIRST TIME

YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND ANYTHING

IS WHEN YOU EXPLAIN IT TO SOMEONE YOUNGER.

YOU THINK I'M A BIG DORK, DON'T YOU?

NO. I THINK YOUR PASSION'S TERRIFIC.

OH, WOW, I THINK YOUR CONDESCENSION'S EVEN BETTER.

IT'S LIKE BETWEEN FAMILY, FRIENDS,

PLAYSTATIONS, AND INTERNETS,

IT'S POSSIBLE FOR A PERSON TO GO THEIR WHOLE LIVES

WITHOUT EVER LISTENING TO THEIR SOUL.

NOW WHO'S THE DORK?

WOW, THIS IS A REALLY GREAT CONVERSATION.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT OUT LOUD.

YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME OF THE TIME

WHEN WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING

AND ALL OF SUDDEN STARTED TO KISS.

ISN'T GOD GREAT?

THE WAY HE JUST BROUGHT US TOGETHER LIKE THIS?

UH, WEREN'T WE JUST MAKING OUT OR...

THAT WAS NICE.

IS THAT ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT?

WENDY.

WICHITA.

DON'T YOU GET IT?

WE'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR OWN EVOLUTION.

WE CAN EFFECT CHANGE.

THE WORKBOOKLET SAYS--

HUSH. NOBODY CHANGES AT SUMMER CAMP.

THEY MERELY FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE AND BECOME IT MORE.

OH, WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS IF WE DISAGREE?

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT WORD OF YOURS IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF.

"I DON'T KNOW." WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

I KNOW THAT I CAN'T GO ANOTHER SUMMER WHERE...

I ALMOST DID SOMETHING OR ALMOST MET A BOY.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW, SMARTY

Oberon: AHH...

BOYS AND GIRLS...

I'M NOT AGAINST A LITTLE CAMP ROMANCE,

BUT THESE LITTLE RAPISTS AND THEIR WHORES...

ANARCHY.

Wendy: RISE AND SHINE, CAMPERS AND COUNSELORS!

TODAY, UNENTHUSIASM IS NOT AN OPTION!

MESS HALL, 9 MINUTES!

PLEASE?

Wendy: GOOD GRIEF.

WITH ONE LIGHTNING BOLT, GOD HAD COMPLETELY RUINED

MY FIRST SIGNIFICANT SEXUAL EXPERIENCE.

HERE YOU GO.

IT WAS HARD NOT TO TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

THERE WAS ONLY ONE THING FOR ME TO DO.

SUPPRESS ALL MY BUDDING DESIRES

AND THROW MYSELF INTO MY WORK AND OBERON'S WORK.

HEY, CAMPERS!

I WANT A NICE MORNING YEE-HEE-DI-HO!

Adam: CAMP WENT BACK TO BEING CAMP.

YOU KNOW, APPRECIATING NATURE AND ALL.

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU HUMAN DINGLEBERRIES

CAME TO CAMP IN THE FIRST PLACE?

TO GO FOR IT!

TO JUST DO IT!

TO CLENCH YOUR FIST, RAISE BACK YOUR ARM,

AND SHOUT, "YES!"

ARE YOU GONNA WIN TODAY?

YES!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

WIN!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

WIN!

THAT'S RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT, GET YOUR POTATO SACKS BOUNCING!

BOUNCE! BOUNCE! AND GO! GO!

YEAH!

Wichita: COME ON, PULL!

Donald: ONE SMALL SEXUAL TRAUMA

AND WENDY HAD COMPLETELY RETREATED

BACK INTO THE WORLD OF COLOR WAR FUN.

WICHITA WAS NOT A HAPPY COUNSELOR.

NOW!

UNH! UNH!

Jasper: WITH OUR CAMP COUPLE IN TURMOIL,

WE LOYAL CABIN MATES SWOOPED IN TO LEND A HELPING HAND.

NO, IT'S NOT FROM WENDY.

TOO BAD FOR ME, HUH?

WHAT, YOU GOT A SECRET ADMIRER OR SOME SHIT?

NOT SO SECRET ANYMORE.

NONE OTHER THAN SHEILA THE SLEEPWALKER.

THAT'S CUTE.

YEAH. I JUST WISH IT WAS SOMEBODY OLDER AND MALER,

LIKE YOU.

THOUGHT I WASN'T YOUR TYPE.

WISHITA, YOU'RE EVERYBODY'S TYPE.

BUT THAT'S OK, I GET MY OCCASIONAL CRUSHES.

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.

GOOD NIGHT, WISH-I-TA.

REJECTION.

YOU'RE ONLY DOING THIS FOR SHOCK VALUE.

I'M NOT SHOCKED.

ARE YOU MAD AT ME FOR GIVING THE CABIN GIRLS NEW HAIRDOS?

OR TEACHING THE GIRLS HOW TO ACTIVATE THEIR CLITORIS?

WHAT?!

ARE YOU STILL MISERABLY PINING FOR WICHITA'S LIGHTING ROD?

ARE YOU A LESBIAN OR-- WHAT ARE YOU, PIXEL?

I DIDN'T REALIZE I HAD TO DECLARE A MAJOR.

WHY DO YOU EVEN LIKE ME?

I DON'T KNOW. BECAUSE YOU REMIND ME OF WHEN I WAS...

I GUESS I WAS NEVER REALLY LIKE YOU.

YOU KNOW, SO CUTE AND SO QUESTIONING

AND SO ADORABLY--

I'M NOT SOME NAIVE LITTLE TWERP!

ONE TIME MY LITTLE BROTHER ATE A MAGNETIC PUZZLE PIECE

AND WE HAD TO GO THROUGH HIS POOP FOR A WEEK.

IT WAS REALLY DISGUSTING IT WAS MUSHY AND EVERYTHING.

ON THAT NOTE, MY MORNING SWIM.

AND SPEAKING OF EATING, MY FAVORITE FOOD'S CHINESE FOOD.

Wendy: BLEEDING DOVE HAD HIT THE HALFWAY MARK.

THE SILLY LITTLE SONGS AND THE SILLY LITTLE RULES

HAD LOST THEIR MAGIC.

WITH MY SHELL-SHOCKED DIRECTOR STILL AN UNBLINKING,

UNMOVING, UNSPEAKING BLOB ON THE OFFICE COT,

IT WAS UP TO ME TO BRING CAMP BACK TO LIFE!

BUT MY HEART WAS SOMEPLACE ELSE.

THAT WAS A BUMMER, QUENTIN,

YOUR PARENTS NOT COMING TO PARENTS DAY.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

MY DAD'S BACK HAD A RELAPSE AGAIN.

YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU, MAN.

HEY, WES, THAT REALLY SUCKED WHAT YOU JUST DID.

THANKS, MAN.

NOW, LOOKEE HERE, I LEFT SOMETHING DOWN BY THE LAKE.

CAN YOU GO GET IT FOR ME?

WHAT IS IT?

YOU'LL KNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE IT.

SURE, WICHITA. WHATEVER YOU SAY, MAN.

ISN'T FUN GREAT?

BOY, OH, BOY AND GIRL, OH, GIRL!

LOOKS LIKE I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE OUT MY SECRET WEAPON!

2 WORDS THAT ARE GONNA CHANGE YOUR SUMMER!

PLEASE DON'T LET ONE OF THOSE WORDS BE "SCAVENGERS."

SCAVENGER HUNT!

IS IT GETTING A LITTLE BIT AWESOME IN HERE

OR IS IT JUST ME?

EVERYBODY, LOOK UNDER YOUR CHAIRS!

OH, NO, UNDER THE SEATS.

WHOO, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

OH! A SCAVENGER HUNT!

FROM A 5-POINT PINECONE TO A 50-POINT DEAD BLUE JAY,

YOU CAN HELP YOUR COLOR OUT MORE THAN EVER TODAY!

NOTHING CAN STOP US FROM SCAVENGER FUN!

ALL RIGHT, ROLL THIS DOWN!

OK, GRAB THAT BLIND!

HOLD IT TOGETHER.

I GOT YOU, BUDDY. I GOT YOU.

Radio: HURRICANE SKIPPY HAS ARRIVED WITHOUT WARNING,

TEARING ACROSS THE CAROLINA COAST.

REPEAT-- DO NOT VENTURE OUTSIDE.

BUT FOR NOW LET'S MELLOW OUT

WITH THE WINNER OF OUR SUMMER LOVE SONG POLL.

* UNFORGETTABLE *

OH, SHIT.

HURRICANE SKIPPY?

Wendy: DARN IT, CAMPERS!

I REALLY THINK YOU SHOULD PICK UP THESE SCAVENGER SHEETS!

THE STORM'S GONNA BLOW OVER, THEN--

OH! I'VE GOT AN IDEA!

HOW ABOUT A GAME OF DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE

TO TAKE OUR MINDS OFF-- OR, OOH, MARCO POLO!

MARCO!

MAN, THAT GIRL IS LOSING IT.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.

Wendy: MARCO!

HEY... ISN'T FUN GREAT?

AMBER!

10, 9, 8-- COME BACK HERE, WHORE!

THAT'S IT! COME ON, BOYS! YOU CAN DO IT!

OHH, THAT'S SEXY!

OHH.

2 WORDS! 2 WORDS.

SOUNDS LIKE...

MOVIES! MOVIES!

Boy: SHOW ME SOME CHARACTERS.

2 WORDS. 2 WORDS.

SOUNDS LIKE....

Pixel: BACK TO WORK, BITCHES!

GRRR!

WHAT IS IT NOW?

I MEAN, WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?

JUST WONDERED IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU'RE NIFTY, DONALD.

OH, UH, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE NIFTY, TOO.

OH, I SAW YOU CHATTING UP TALIA THIS MORNING.

YOU SHOULD MAKE YOUR MOVE.

PFFT. NO, SHE--

SHE'S--SHE IS GREAT, BUT, UM...

THE PERSON THAT I--I REALLY CARE ABOUT--

YOU SHOULD MAKE YOUR MOVE.

Wichita: SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH YOU AND TALIA?

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT COULD BE INTERESTING.

NO. I DON'T WANNA.

COME ON. KNOWING'S EVERYTHING, SON. GET UP!

COME ON. TUCK YOUR SHIRT IN.

WHOO! ITCHY?

POSTURE. POSTURE.

LET HER KNOW YOUR GOOFY ACT

IS SOMETHING YOU DO FOR THE KIDS, YOU KNOW?

WHAT

YEAH, IT IS. YOU'RE MYSTERIOUS.

YOU HAVE THIS MYSTERIOUS LIFE

THAT YOU DON'T GIVE A FUCK

SHE'S A PART OF IT OR NOT.

I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHETHER SHE'S A PART OF IT.

EXACTLY.

ALSO--TALIA HAS THIS OBSESSION WITH INDIA.

INDIA

I SHOULDN'T SAY THIS, SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND,

BUT INDIA? INDIA? PUSSY.

OH. GOOD FOR YOU.

OK. PUSSY FOR ME. POSTURE. INDIA.

YES, SIR.

ASS. ASS! ASS. ASS!

TIGER! WHAT A CUTE ASS IT IS!

PUSSY! YOU'RE THERE.

ASS, TIGER, PUSSY! YEAH! YOU'RE IN!

ASS, TIGER, PUSSY. WE GOT IT.

YOU'RE IN!

OHH.

SMOKING'S COOL.

YES, IT IS.

CAN I HAVE A DRAG?

YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT, ARE YOU?

TSK.

Boy: MAN! RED TEAM RULES!

RED! RED! RED! RED!

COME ON, YEAH! RED! RED!

THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

RED. RED. RED. RED.

OH!

WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?

WELL, I THINK WE KIND OF GOT OFF TO A BAD START.

THERE'S A LOT ABOUT ME YOU DON'T KNOW.

I WISH I KNEW LESS.

IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A PIG...

WELL, I CAN BE A GOOD PIG.

CHARLOTTE'S WEB. BABE.

GOOD PIG.

PROVE IT.

EXCUSE ME, JASPER,

BUT SOME OF THE OTHER COUNSELORS

ARE GETTING BACK RUBS.

I WAS JUST WONDERING-- DID YOU WANT ONE?

NO. UH, I'M OK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS NOT FUNNY!

DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!

WHERE AM I? AAH!

TOLD YOU IT'D BE EASY.

I'LL TELL WICHITA. WHO WANTS TO TELL WENDY?

WENDY, WENDY.

TODD WENT OUT INTO THE HURRICANE.

HE SAID HE WENT TO YOUR CABIN.

LATELY, HE'S BEEN REALLY DEPRESSED.

I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING BAD IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

Donald: THE PLAN WAS IN MOTION.

WENDY AND WICHITA BRAVELY SET OUT

TO SAVE DON'T TOUCH ME TODD.

THEY WOULD BE THROWN TOGETHER.

THEY WOULD REKINDLE THEIR ROMANCE.

CAMP WOULD GO BACK TO BEING FUN. RIGHT?

I'M ONLY DOING THIS FOR WARMTH.

OH, YEAH, ME, TOO.

WHY DO I HAVE THE FEELING TODD'S NOT EVEN IN HERE?

LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!

Jasper: THE ROMANCE REMAINED UNKINDLED.

THE PLAN WAS FAILING.

UNTIL HE SAW IT...

THE PICTURE.

YOUNG WENDY AND FAMILY IN FRONT...

AND STANDING IN THE BACK...

DESTINY.

WHEN WERE YOU AT MOUNT RUSHMORE?

MMM, ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO.

WHY?

DON'T LOOK AT THOSE!

NO. GET BACK.

WICHITA-- STOP.

WICHITA!

LOOK!

WE'RE IN THE EYE OF THE HURRICANE!

WHOA.

CHECK IT OUT, MAN.

THAT'S AMAZING.

COME HERE, GUYS. DON'T GET TOO FAR AWAY.

WENDY, WE SHOULD PROBABLY GET EVERYBODY BACK,

'CAUSE I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG

THESE EYE OF THE HURRICANES LAST.

YOU GOT TO ADMIT IT, WICHITA,

THIS IS A BAD DAY TO BE AN ATHEIST.

LOOK AT THE SKY, THE AIR...

THE THINGS WE DO,

WE MAY NOT CHANGE THE WORLD RIGHT AWAY,

IF WE KEEP WORKING TO BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER,

THIS WORLD WILL BE A PERFECT PLACE BY THE YEAR 3000.

YOU KNOW, THIS EYE OF THE HURRICANE

HAS UNLEASHED SOMETHING SPECIAL IN ALL OF US.

NOW, IF YOU WANT MY OPINION...

YES!

HA HA HA!

YOU BETTER MAKE THAT THE YEAR 4000.

OK. YEAR 4000.

I GOT STUNG BY A BEE.

OH, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I KNOW HOW YOU MUST FEEL.

Boy: NO, YOU DON'T!

HE'S RIGHT.

MY GOD, I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE FEELS LIKE.

Talia: DONALD...

FEEL THIS AIR.

IT'S DOING SOMETHING TO ME. IT'S ALIVE.

YEAH. OH, ALIVE.

IT IS.

BUT YOU KNOW, UH,

ALL IN ALL, I'D KIND OF RATHER BE IN INDIA.

YEAH, INDIA.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS. I LOVE INDIA.

THE FOOD AND--

I JUST FIND THEIR CULTURE TO BE SO...

INDIAN.

OH.

YEAH, I KNOW.

DAFFY...

YOU'RE MAKING YOUR BIG MOVE, AREN'T YOU?

AND YOU'VE BEEN COACHED BY THE BEST,

I MEAN, OF COURSE.

WHY NOT PAIR OFF THE TWO GEEKS?

HOW CONVENIENT FOR EVERYONE?

YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK THIS!

ALL OF YOU CAN GO TO HELL!

ALL THIS TIME, TALKING DOWN TO THE KIDS.

NO MORE.

NO MORE DISTANCE BETWEEN ME AND THE CAMPERS.

BETWEEN ME AND THE PAIN. YES.

OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

HA HA HA!

Wendy: YOU HAVE TO BE HURT IN ORDER TO HEAL.

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY I CAN TRULY CALL MYSELF COUNSELOR.

TALIA, DON'T GO.

WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

EVERYTHING.

Talia: OH!

Donald: CAMP BLEEDING DOVE HAD COME BACK FROM THE DEAD.

ALIVE AND WICKED, THE WAY WICHITA LIKED IT.

SOON HE'D TAKE US TO THE NEXT LEVEL,

BUT, FOR NOW, WICHITA HAD TO SETTLE THINGS DOWN

THE QUICKEST WAY POSSIBLE--

GETTING EPILEPTIC EVE TO FAKE AN ATTACK.

COMING THROUGH!

EVE! ANGEL!

I FORGOT TO REMEMBER I'M ALLERGIC TO BEE STINGS.

EVE, GET UP!

Radio: WELL, FOLKS,

IT LOOKS LIKE THE HURRICANE IS MOVING OUT,

AND I CAN THINK OF NO BETTER WAY TO CELEBRATE

THAN WITH OUR MOST-REQUESTED ODE TO SUMMER LOVE.

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

UM...

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A COUPLE.

I'M SORRY.

I'M REALLY AWFUL AT THIS JOB

AND YOU SHOULD BE WITH SOMEONE WHO...

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO--

I THINK THAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY

THAT THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL MOMENT

IN A YOUNG WOMAN'S LIFE.

HAYLEY...

BEHIND EVERY GREAT WOMAN

IS A GREAT EMBARRASSING FIRST MENSTRUATION STORY.

I HOPE SO.

THAT WASN'T A PERIOD.

THAT WAS AN EXCLAMATION POINT.

HOWDY, POUTY!

DID YOU GET MY COUGH DROPS?

WES.

LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING--

I WAS CONFIDENT THAT I WAS GONNA BLOW IT WITH TALIA,

BUT...I MUST SAY I REALLY OUTDID MYSELF.

SHE'S STILL JUST PISSED OFF AT ME

AND TOOK IT OUT ON YOU.

BESIDES, WE'RE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS.

IT'D BE DIFFERENT IF WE WERE AT A CLUB OR A DANCE OR SOMETHING.

CHECK THIS OUT. SAY YOU'RE AT A DANCE.

THE MOMENT YOU START TO THINK

A GIRL'S EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTED IN YOU,

YOU GOTTA GET OUT OF THERE.

GO GET A DRINK OR MACK ON SOME CHICK.

THEN WHEN SHE STARTS FIDGETING, THINKING,

"OH, MAYBE HE'S NOT GONNA COME BACK,"

THAT'S WHEN YOU STROLL UP BEHIND AND GRAZE THE BACK OF HER NECK.

OH, YEAH. THAT OUGHT TO...

I CAN'T DO THAT KIND OF STUFF.

I DON'T KNOW. THE THING WITH THIS TALIA--

OH, THE GIRL THAT I REALLY CARE ABOUT--

I CAN'T KEEP THIS IN ANYMORE, MAN.

THERE'S A PICTURE ON WENDY'S WALL.

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN 10--

IT'S LIKE A FAMILY MOUNT RUSHMORE TRIP--

AND I'M IN THE PICTURE. IN THE PICTURE!

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE FUCKING ODDS?

YEAH, THAT'S-- THAT'S WEIRD. WOW.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I THINK I'M STARTING TO BELIEVE IN GOD.

AND THE THING IS, I THINK I LIKE THE GUY.

I GOTTA TELL HER, RIGHT?

HUH? YEAH.

OH, YOU SHOULD GO TO HER. YEAH.

THANK YOU. UH-HUH.

SAY HI FOR ME.

GOTTA GET UP. STILL MORE TO DO.

WHOA, HORSEY.

THAT BOY HATES ASIAN PEOPLE.

THAT GIRL THINKS SHE GAVE HER MOM CANCER

BY DROPPING A PLATE ON HER HAND.

HER DADDY TOUCHES HER TOO MUCH.

HIS DADDY TOUCHES HIM TOO LITTLE.

YOU KNOW, CALL ME A LUNATIC,

BUT I THINK YOU'RE SERIOUSLY WONDERFUL.

HEY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO.

I'M HAVING A BAD HEAD DAY.

DON'T LOOK AT ME.

ISN'T THIS THE MOMENT WHERE ONE OF US

SAYS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY OFFENSIVE TO THE OTHER ONE?

BUT, HELL, WHY SHOULD WE LET OUR ACTUAL PERSONALITIES

GET IN THE WAY OF US FALLING IN LOVE?

EXACTLY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE PROUD OF ME.

I GUESS I'M KIND OF LOSING THE SUIT OF ARMOR.

A LITTLE BIT.

WELL, YOU'D BE PROUD OF ME, TOO.

I'M DROPPING THIS WHOLE

SNOW WHITE AND THE 70 DWARVES ACT.

NOT ALL OF IT.

OF COURSE.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING. IF WE COULD--

I LOVE YOU.

DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I HATE THAT.

"I LOVE YOU, TOO."

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT,

IT PUTS ME IN AN AWKWARD POSITION.

WELL, THAT'S OK.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT YOU--

GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

QUIET!

UM...

MAYBE I SHOULD GO. YOU PROBABLY NEED YOUR REST.

PROBABLY.

HEY, DONALD.

IS WICHITA HERE?

UH, HE JUST LEFT, BUDDY.

WELL, CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?

I GOT THIS NOTE FROM THIS GIRL.

SHE WANTS TO MEET BY THE LAKE TONIGHT.

LET ME SEE THAT.

SIT DOWN.

Donald: CAMP EBERHARDT. ANNE WILSON.

LOVELY, LOVELY ANNE WILSON.

ANNE WILSON WAS THE ONLY CAMPER

WHO HAD A LIFEGUARD CERTIFICATE,

SHE WAS ALLOWED TO TAKE THE CANOES WITHOUT ANY SUPERVISION.

AND SHE ASKED ME ONCE IF I WANTED TO GO

FOR A LITTLE POST-BONFIRE SPIN AROUND THE LAKE.

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE .

AND I SAID NO. HEH HEH.

I SAID NO.

I WAS YOUNG, I WAS NERVOUS.

I DIDN'T REALLY LIKE CANOES.

I SAID NO. AND IF I WOULD'VE GONE

ON THAT CANOE WITH THAT GIRL,

I'D BE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON.

I KNOW IT!

I'D BE HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL AND ASSERTIVE!

WICHITA.

THAT'S-- I WOULD BE WICHITA.

SEE, YOU THINK YOU'RE A KID.

YOU THINK YOU'RE YOUNG

AND YOUR DECISIONS DON'T MATTER NOW,

BUT THEY DO. THEY DO. THEY ALL DO.

OK! OK!

YOU GOTTA GO. YOU DON'T BE LIKE ME.

OK.

JUST GO. TAKE THIS AND GO.

OK. I'LL GO TO THE DUMB LAKE.

Girl: DID YOU EVER SUSPECT IT WAS ME?

Boy: NO, NOT REALLY.

OH, THEY'RE SO CUTE.

GOD, WAS I EVER THAT YOUNG?

MMM.

I'VE--I'VE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND BEFORE.

REALLY?

I'VE HAD DREAMS ABOUT LOSING MY VIRGINITY,

BUT NEVER LIKE THIS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, FOR ONE THING, I WASN'T A MUTANT,

AND FOR ANOTHER...

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

I'M THINKING THAT I'M GLAD THAT I BROKE UP WITH

EVERYONE I EVER WENT OUT WITH.

THAT SWELLING'S GONNA GO DOWN, RIGHT?

OH!

ARE PEOPLE ALLOWED TO DO IT MORE THAN ONCE A NIGHT?

UM...

IT'S, UH, IT'S BEEN KNOWN TO HAPPEN.

Campers: * KUMBAYA, MY LORD *

* KUMBAYA *

HELLO THERE, WENDY. I DIDN'T HEAR YOU WALK IN.

WHAT'S THAT?

YOU, UH, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL AS ALWAYS.

YOU WHAT? IF YOU INSIST.

I SORT OF THOUGHT--SORT OF THOUGHT YOU'D BE WITH WICHITA.

WELL, YEAH, I GUESS I'M KIND OF ATTRACTED TO YOU.

I MEAN-- YOU

YOU WANT TO TAKE OFF ALL MY CLOTHES?

AND DO WHAT?

OH! THAT'S--THAT'S VERY NAUGHTY.

THAT'S VERY NAUGHTY,

BUT, UH, I MEAN,

YOU KNOW, IF SOMEBODY WALKS IN,

THAT--THAT WOULDN'T BE GOOD.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT? OH, WELL.

WELL, I GUESS IF YOU DON'T CARE,

NOW'S AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY.

JUST...

WHERE IS IT?

FUCK!

RRR.

OHH!

OHH!

WHOA. I DON'T SEE WHY PEOPLE PROTEST PORNOGRAPHY.

THEY MUST NOT HAVE SEEN THIS ISSUE.

I'M IN LOVE WITH LOVE.

AAH!

BAD-BOY BILLY, MANURE EATER, FROG KILLER,

PORNO FAN.

AAH!

IT'S CALLED A PINK WAFFLE.

PERHAPS BEFORE YOUR TIME.

BRILLO PAD SCRAPED AGAINST THE SKIN

POPPING UP FROM A PRESSED-DOWN TENNIS RACQUET.

OK. THAT'S ENOUGH!

NO. I'M JUST KIDDING. MORE.

Pixel: SADIST!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I THOUGHT YOU'D CHANGE.

THIS IS YOUR IDEA OF DISCIPLINE?

YOU'RE A MONSTER!

THAT KID IS GONNA BE TRAUMATIZED--

FOR ABOUT 3 DAYS!

I'M A MONSTER, HE'S A MONSTER.

ACTUALLY, WE'RE BOTH JUST GUYS.

I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

UNH!

KEEP TALKING. YOU'RE SO ELOQUENT.

WHY ARE YOU, UH...

MMM, DON'T STOP.

WHY?

WHY?

IF I ASKED THOSE QUESTIONS, I'D NEVER MAKE LOVE.

"LOVE."

UNH! DAMN YOU! DAMN THIS! UNH!

UGH!

Adam: OH, HURT ME BAD!

OOH. LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT OURSELVES

ANOTHER INTERCOURSE.

PIXEL AND ADAM SITTING IN A TREE...

F-U-C-K-I-N-G.

All: NO WAY!

LET ME SEE. LET ME SEE.

EW.

LET SOME IMPRESSIONABLE MINDS HAVE A TURN.

WHOA. 20 POINTS FOR THE RED TEAM.

LET'S GO BACK TO WENDY AND WICHITA.

OH, HEY, DO WE HAVE A LOCK ON JASPER YET?

GOD, HE'S JUST SO LOVELY.

I KNOW.

I--I MEAN HE'S A REALLY GREAT COUNSELOR.

BUSTED.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'D BETTER RUN.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

OOH.

MY GIRL'S GETTING TOUGH, HUH?

OBERON'S OFFICE.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN HERE?

NOTHING.

LET ME SEE. COME ON.

TALIA, YOU DON'T WANT TO LOOK IN THERE.

Tanya: IS THAT WENDY AND--

OH.

YOU REALLY LIKED WICHITA,

DIDN'T YOU?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I'M NOT...

MORE ANGRY OR DEPRESSED OR...

HEY...

HOW YOU FEELING?

WHY ARE YOU SO NICE TO ME?

WHY AM I SO...

THAT'S A NEW ONE.

THE WAY I FIGURE IT,

IF I CAN GET THROUGH TO JUST ONE CAMPER...

THEN I'M STILL A PRETTY INCOMPETENT COUNSELOR.

HEY, WHERE IS BIG CHIEF OBERON?

Wendy: OBERON HAD SNAPPED OUT OF...

HIS LIGHTNING-INDUCED DAZE.

HE TOOK TO THE FOREST LIKE A MAD EXILED KING.

Adam: HIS CAMP HAD BEEN COMPLETELY TAKEN OVER

BY A STRANGE, ALMOST SUPERNATURAL FORCE.

Pixel: NEEDLESS TO SAY, THAT WAS SEX.

DON'T WORRY.

ONLY 4 OF US WERE HAVING IT.

Wendy: BUT EVEN THOSE NOT PERFORMING THE ACTUAL ACT

FOUND THEMSELVES CAUGHT IN THE THRALL OF IT ALL.

Donald: SEX, SEX, SEX.

THINKING ABOUT SEX, TALKING ABOUT SEX.

LEARNING PIXEL'S LESSON OF HOW SALTY PANCAKE BATTER

TASTES JUST LIKE WHAT COMES OUT OF...

THINGS WERE GETTING WILD.

UHH.

UHH.

* YOU DRIVE ME *

* YOU DRIVE ME *

* AH AH AH AH *

* YOU DRIVE ME WILD *

LET ME SEE! WAIT!

* YOU DRIVE ME *

* AH AH AH AH *

* YOU DRIVE ME WILD *

HA HA HA!

* YOU DRIVE ME *

* YOU DRIVE ME *

* AH AH AH AH *

* YOU DRIVE ME WILD *

OH, JASPER.

JASPER.

JASPER.

JASPER.

JASPER.

All: JASPER.

JASPER.

Jasper: OK, THIS SEX THING WAS GETTING WAY OUT OF HAND.

EVERYONE WAS HAVING TOO MUCH FUN WITHOUT ME.

AFTER RETRIEVING MY NOSE RING

FROM SHEILA THE SLEEPWALKER'S LOVE RITUAL,

IT WAS FINALLY TIME TO TAKE MY SHOT.

OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT JERRY RICE OVER THERE.

YOU'RE A LITTLE HARSH ON TODD.

OH, FUCK YOU.

YOU GOT TO GIVE ME TODD.

HE'S PROBABLY THE MOST INVINCIBLE LOSER

I'VE EVER COME ACROSS.

OK, STOP. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO PUT MY MOUTH WHERE MY MOUTH IS.

I THROW HIM ONE OVERHAND PASS, AND HE CATCHES IT--

DRAMATIC PAUSE--

YOU LET ME GO DOWN ON YOU.

WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

NO, SERIOUSLY.

IF YOU WIN THIS BET,

YOU'LL PROVE TO THE COSMOS ONCE AND FOR ALL YOU,

KNOW EVERYTHING.

AW.

COME ON, WISH-I-TA.

ISN'T THE RUSH OF GAMBLING

ON YOUR CYNICALLY EXISTENTIALLY PRECISE

PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE ENOUGH?

HANDSHAKE'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA GET, MY GOOD SPORTSMAN.

WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

HEY, TODD, THROW ME THE BALL, BUDDY.

GO BACK FOR A PASS. I KNOW YOU CAN CATCH IT.

I CAN CATCH IT.

HEY, TODD, DON'T DROP IT.

READY?

I'M GOING TO CATCH THE BALL.

UHH!

DAMN THE BAD LUCK, HUH?

ALMOST!

YEAH, ALMOST.

YOU FAT FUCK.

Jasper: OF COURSE,

TALIA HAD DONE THE MOST SHOCKING THING OF ALL.

SHE HAD BECOME A CAMP COUNSELOR.

Talia: BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE.

AS ALWAYS, EVERYTHING REVOLVED AROUND WENDY AND WICHITA.

COUNSELOR WENDY, I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND

THAT VITAL THINGIE IN THE STORAGE ROOM.

GADZOOKS. WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING BEFORE?

Donald: WENDY AND WICHITA WERE THE PLANT

ON THE CLASSROOM WINDOWSILL

FED AND WATERED BY ENTHUSIASTIC CHILDREN.

Pixel: IT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH THE PLANT GROW...

AND GROW AND GROW.

Donald: UNTIL THE ROOTS

RIPPED OUT THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP.

DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'RE FOOLING ANYONE?

DO YOU REALLY THINK I CARE?

YOU'RE SO BAD.

AAH! WHOA, HORSEY.

I--I MUST BE DRUNK. I'M SO SORRY.

THEY'RE GOING TO HEAR US.

SHH. IF YOU WOULD SHUT UP, THEY WOULDN'T.

I PROMISE. MM-HMM.

* PRIESTS AND BODIES, YOU CAN'T DANCE *

* IN THE JAWS OF MY LIFE HE'S DEALING WITH ME NOW *

* I TURN AROUND, THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN *

* THEY'RE DOING IT AGAIN *

* WHEN THEY'RE TYING YOU DOWN *

FUCK ME, COUNSELOR.

SO, THE GIRL GETS, LIKE, AN INCH OF POISON IVY,

AND SHE STARTS SCREAMING FOR ASSISTED SUICIDE.

BE NICE. HER FATHER DIED IN THAT TWA FLIGHT

THE GOVERNMENT SHOT DOWN.

OH, GUESS WHAT? I'M GOING TO BE IN THE CITY NEXT WEEK.

MY MOM SAYS IT'S OK IF I STAY OVERNIGHT AT YOUR DORM.

SHE AND DADDY ARE DYING TO MEET YOU.

AND YOU HAVE TO COME TO OUR ANNUAL LABOR DAY BARBECUE.

I'M MAKING PEACH COBBLER. GOSH, IT' GOING TO BE SO WEIRD--

YOU KNOW, PLANNING DATES AND...

WHAT'S UP?

Wendy: TO ME, OUR PASSION WAS EVOLVING

INTO SOMETHING SWEET AND LASTING.

TO WICHITA, I DON'T KNOW. HE KIND OF FREAKED.

WICHITA, THERE'S SOMETHING ON THE TOP SHELF

IN THE STORAGE ROOM, AND I CAN'T--

NOT NOW, WENDY.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT DOING IT.

THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT I THINK WE SHOULD DISCUSS PRIVATELY.

ALL RIGHT, KIDS,

DOES THIS CAMP SUCK, OR DOES THIS CAMP SUCK?

All: THIS CAMP SUCKS!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

All: SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

Wichita: NOW, THEY FORCED US TO CAPTURE THE FLAG,

BUT WE MADE OUR OWN CAMP!

YEAH!

All: SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

Wendy: BLEEDING DOVE'S NEW LEADER

HAD TAKEN HIS CHARISMATIC ANTI-EVERYTHING IDENTITY

TO ITS ULTIMATE EXTREME.

Jasper: COULD HE REALLY THROW IT ALL AWAY

FOR SOME PIECE OF ROMANTIC DESTINY?

YOU SEE, LOVE CONQUERS ALL,

AND WICHITA DIDN'T WANT TO BE CONQUERED.

Wendy: UNFORTUNATELY, NOBODY TOLD ME.

Wendy: HE'S FREAKING ME OUT, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, WE WERE TALKING, TOUCHING CONSTANTLY,

AND NOW--I KNOW I'M JUST BEING SILLY.

WE'RE COMING TO THE END OF CAMP, YOU WANT TO KNOW IF WICHITA'S

LOVE IS TRUE, RIGHT?

I CAN THINK OF NOTHING LESS SILLY THAN THAT.

LET'S TEST THE FUCKER.

TEST HIM? DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.

NO. CHECK IT OUT, RIGHT?

I APPROACH WICHITA.

MORNING. UH-HUH.

TELL HIM THERE'S A CODE RED, HE HAS TO GET OUT TO THE WOODS.

TAKE HIM BY THE LOG BRIDGE. I'LL BE WAITING BEHIND THE OAK

GOOD IDEA, GOOD IDEA. OK.

SO WICHITA AND I WILL BE ON THE LOG. I'LL PUT ON MY SEXY MOVES,

AND EITHER HE'LL GO FOR IT, OR HE'LL SHOOT ME DOWN.

BUT EITHER WAY,

YOU'LL COME UP WITH SOME MAJOR KNOWLEDGE.

Wendy: IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO SOMETHING LIKE CAMP,

YOU KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS THE ENTIRE SUMMER--

ANYTHING HAVING TO DO WITH LOVE, HATE,

LIFE, OR DEATH--

IS USUALLY NOT WORKED OUT UNTIL THE VERY LAST DAY.

DAY 40. DAY 40, IT IS.

Pixel: WE ARE IN PLAY.

REPEAT-- WE ARE IN PLAY.

TAKE YOUR POSITION.

UM, OK.

I MEAN, ROGER.

THE TWINS WENT INTO THE WOODS LAST NIGHT

AND NEVER CAME BACK.

I WONDER WHERE THOSE 2 LITTLE RASCALS COULD BE?

NOW THAT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE,

AREN'T YOU CURIOUS TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO, UH...

TO LOOK INTO MY EYES?

Wendy: * THERE IS A PLACE *

* I'M DREAMING OF *

* MY HOME AWAY FROM HOME *

* CAMP BLEEDING DOVE *

Wendy: THIS WAS NOT FAKE.

THIS WAS NOT FUN.

WICHITA'S HOLD ON THE CAMP WAS UNRAVELING.

HIS HOLD ON HIMSELF WAS UNRAVELING.

IT WAS ALL UNRAVELING.

EVE, CAN YOU HEAR ME, SWEETIE?

IT'S GOING TO BE OK.

Wendy: WHITE PILLS, GREEN PILLS, YELLOW PILLS

SWEPT INTO MY FAITHFUL THERMOS.

WICHITA DESERVED SOMETHING STRONGER THAN CAFFEINE.

MAYBE I WAS OVERREACTING,

BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT SUMMER LOVE IS ALL ABOUT?

Talia: I'M GOING TO SIT YOU UP RIGHT HERE.

OH, OK. THAT'S GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

JUST STANDING THERE?

WAKE UP!

STOP, CAMPERS, PLEASE!

AW, COME ON. STOP IT.

A FOOD FIGHT'S NOT VERY ORIGINAL. COME ON.

OH, MAN, DON'T JUST STAND THERE AND TAKE IT.

DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

Donald: I SAW THAT, SAMMY! I SAW THAT!

STOP IT!

HEY, HEY.

DID YOU GUYS JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO EVE?

SHE--SHE COULD'VE DIED.

COME ON. HOW MANY PACKS OF GUM DID YOU BRIBE HER WITH?

LOOK, KARATE KID,

HAVEN'T YOU BASTARDS SEEN THAT WE'RE LOSING CONTROL?

NO, WICHITA, YOU'VE LOST CONTROL.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU AND WENDY

HAVE GONE UP IN FLAMES

DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU CAN GET ALL--OH, MY...

WOW.

Donald: STOP IT!

COME.

Donald: YOU'RE WASTING FOOD.

PUT IT DOWN! PUT THE--EAT IT.

EAT THE--NOT HIM.

HEY, HEY. WAIT. WHERE YOU GOING?

WHERE ARE THEY GOING? WHAT'S WITH THE SWEATSHIRT?

I DON'T KNOW, LAST DAY OF CAMP, DAFFY.

TIME FOR TENDER GOOD-BYES.

VERY TENDER GOOD-BYES, YOU DIG ME?

CAN YOU COVER FOR US?

COVER FOR YOU? I HAVE A RIOT GOING ON HERE.

ALL RIGHT! THE HAND GOES UP!

All: THE MOUTH GOES SHUT!

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP.

CUT IT OUT, OR THERE'S NO DANCE TONIGHT.

All: AW.

MOVE IT!

WELL, JASPER,

MY ONE AND ONLY HOMOSEXUAL FRIEND,

LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, PAL.

AND CHARLIE THE COOK.

HE'S THE ONLY THING ON THE MENU I'M ALLOWED TO EAT.

OUCH.

COME ON, CHARLIE.

OH, GO ON, GIRLFRIEND.

Wendy: AH, OUR LAST DAY AT CAMP.

I ALWAYS KNEW IT WOULD BE SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?

SOMETHING MORE INTERESTING THAN THAT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

LOOK, I OVERHEARD YOU AND PIXEL

OUTSIDE THE MESS HALL.

I FAILED YOUR LITTLE TEST ON PURPOSE.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

I DON'T KNOW.

COURSE I BELIEVE YOU, WICHITA.

Wendy: I NO LONGER DESIRED TO MAKE WICHITA DIE.

INSTEAD, I WAS GOING TO MAKE HIM FEEL,

EVEN IF IT WAS THE LAST THING I'D EVER DO.

Adam: WHEN I FIRST MET YOU, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A WEIRDO.

I STILL THINK YOU'RE A NUT.

BUT NOW YOU'RE MY NUT.

ARE WE GOING TO DO IT OR WHAT? BECAUSE I STILL HAVEN'T PACKED.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO GROUCHY?

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT TIME FOR US, PIXEL.

WE'VE STARTED SOMETHING REALLY SPECIAL.

ADAM, WE HAD A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP

THAT SERVED A PURPOSE,

AND NOW IT'S...

THAT--THAT WAS BEFORE WE STARTED SHARING THINGS,

BEFORE I TOLD YOU ABOUT HOW I HELPED THAT BED-WETTER

CHANGE HIS SLEEPING PATTERNS.

AND--AND HOW I...

I--I CRIED...

WHEN PEEPERS DIED.

I NEVER TOLD THAT TO ANYONE BEFORE.

AND THIS PEEPERS WAS YOUR DOG?

YOU KNOW, FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH,

I PROBABLY WASN'T PAYING ANY ATTENTION.

WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS?

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

* NOW THAT WE'RE APART *

* LOSE MY MIND *

* UN-FORGET HER *

* SUMMER LOVE *

* SILLY SONGS ABOUT SUMMER LOVE-- *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* SUMMER LOVE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

Boy: THERE HE GOES, COME ON LET'S GO. WAIT UP.

* UNFORGETTABLE-- *

DIE! DIE!

Donald: THE OTHER COUNSELORS HAD ABANDONED ME

TO HAVE THEIR DEEP AND MEANINGFUL

ADULT ROMANTIC TRYSTS.

I DON'T WANT TO SOUND BITTER,

BUT THE CAMPERS AND I,

WE WERE GOING TO BRING THEM BACK DOWN TO EARTH.

OH, YES.

THE CAMP'S ALMIGHTY SUPPLY OF CONDOMS

WERE ABOUT TO BE PUT TO A DIFFERENT USE.

BLEEDING DOVE WAS ABOUT TO GET

THE COLD SHOWER IT NEEDED.

ALL THE MAGAZINE POLLS SAY

THAT THE TRAIT MOST LOOKED FOR IN A LOVER

IS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

NOW, THAT'S FUNNY.

BECAUSE I AM THE MOST HILARIOUS

FUCKING GUY IN THE WORLD,

AND I HAVE YET TO TOUCH A SINGLE HUMAN BREAST.

AH, BUT I DIGRESS.

LET'S--LET'S DO THIS ATTACK.

FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE EVER BEEN TOLD,

"COULD YOU WAIT HERE WHILE THE REST OF US HAVE NAKED FUN? "

YEAH. FOR ALL OF US WHO HAVE BEEN TOLD, "OH, I'M SORRY.

"YOU'RE JUST TOO YOUNG AND UNCOOL TO UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T GET IT."

LET'S DO THIS ATTACK,

IT'S NOT LIKE WE HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.

ARE YOU WITH ME?

All: YEAH!

ARE YOU WITH ME?

YEAH!

ARE YOU WITH ME?

Wendy: WICHITA...I BROUGHT YOU OUT HERE TO TELL YOU--

I'M FUCKED UP,

AND I DON'T WANT TO BE CURED.

IT'S WHAT MAKES ME A BETTER COUNSELOR.

I TELL THESE KIDS HOW IT IS. IF YOU MET YOURSELF AS A KID,

WOULD YOU GO TO HER AND SAY,

"HOWDY, POUTY. EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE OK"?

YES! MY GOD, YES! I WOULD TELL HER THAT I LOVE HER

AND NOT LET ANYONE TAKE AWAY HER DREAMS.

SOON WE'LL BE ADULTS, WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT GROCERIES.

WE CHALLENGED EACH OTHER. WE CREATED IDEAS.

WE'RE 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE WHO FORMED A CIRCLE WITH OUR SOULS.

SHUT THE FUCK UP! WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

TO TELL YOU I WAS LOCKED IN A FUCKING CLOSET HALF MY LIFE

MY PARENTS KICKED--

DON'T GET BREAKFAST CLUB ON ME, BITCH!

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS IN THE BACK OF THE BOOK.

I GAVE YOU THE ULTIMATE MALE FANTASY--

SEX...

WITH NOTHING ON THE SIDE.

DON'T PRETEND THAT WE SHARED

ANYTHING OTHER THAN FLUIDS, ADAM.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

YOU SATANIC WHORE!

YOU THINK--YOU THINK YOU'RE SO...

BUT YOU'RE JUST--

THAT'S IT.

PRETEND THIS IS THOSE ARCADE THINGS, THE TIGHTER YOU SQUEEZE,

THE MORE OF A MAN YOU ARE.

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

SPERMICIDALLY LUBRICATED!

Oberon: COED CAMPS.

ANARCHY BY DEFINITION.

NO. THEY--THEY NEEDED SOMEBODY THERE

DURING THAT FOOD FIGHT--

AN ADULT.

NOBODY TELLS YOU HOW TO BE AN ADULT.

YOU JUST KEEP GETTING OLDER, ANYWAY.

IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK

FOR A LITTLE ORDER?

GOD!

YOU'RE NOT AS COOL AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.

THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.

NOBODY REALLY CHANGES AT SUMMER CAMP.

THEY JUST FIND OUT WHO THEY ARE AND BECOME IT MORE THAN EVER--

FOR SOMEONE WHO IS CAPABLE OF LOVE

TO FIND OUT FIRST-HAND THAT LOVE REALLY EXISTS.

YOU DIDN'T BRING ME OUT HERE TO CURE ME, DID YOU?

YOU BROUGHT ME OUT HERE TO PUNISH ME.

I'M NOT SURE THAT YOU CAN BE PUNISHED, WICHITA,

BUT LET'S FIND OUT.

CALL IT MY SOCIAL EXPERIMENT OF THE SUMMER.

WHAT'S IN THAT CUP?

WHAT'S IN THAT CUP?

CHEERS.

Todd: UHH!

AW, TODD, MAN,

LOOKS LIKE WE FOUND SOMETHING YOU TOTALLY SUCK AT.

HIGH 5.

DON'T TOUCH ME.

FIRE!

* I'M *

* FALLING IN HATE *

* WITH THIS PLACE *

* DAYS *

* TRICKLE BY *

* LIKE A STREAM *

* I *

* NEED TO GO OFF *

* LIKE A BOMB *

* BEFORE I *

* EXPLODE I *

* NEED TO GO *

WHY DID YOU WAIT...

UNTIL THE LAST DAY OF CAMP...

TO TELL ME THAT YOU LIKE ME?

I WILL LEARN...

THE TRUE MEANING OF RESPONSIBILITY.

WHILE CREATING MEMORIES...

THAT LAST A LIFETIME.

* I'LL FEEL NO REMORSE *

* WHEN I *

* QUIT THIS PLACE *

* TOO LONG I'VE WASTED *

* IN THIS MELANCHOLY SPACE *

* IT'S ALWAYS *

* WINTER HERE *

* LIKE A SPLINTER *

* OF ICE *

* IN YOUR EYES *

RISE.

SHINE.

NOW!

I'M SORRY.

IT'S JUST-- IT SEEMS SILLY...

KISSING A GIRL.

CLEVER OBSERVATION.

GO BACK TO WICHITA.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T.

SORRY.

THIS ISN'T THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING A CHILDREN'S BOOK

USING INPUT FROM ALL OF THE CAMPERS.

I DON'T EVEN LIKE SMOKING.

ONE DAY, THEY'LL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS, NEVER FIND ONE FOR SEX.

IT'S KIND OF FUNNY, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, MOST STORIES WITH A BUNCH OF CAMP COUNSELORS

HAVE SOME SERIAL PSYCHO

WHO SYSTEMATICALLY BUTCHERS EVERYONE ONE BY ONE.

YEAH.

AND?

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S KIND OF FUNNY. I MEAN...

WHO NEEDS A SERIAL PSYCHO WITH A CHAIN SAW

WHEN WE HAVE OURSELVES?

Wendy: WICHITA AND I WERE A DREAM COME TRUE,

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A LOT MORE DREAMS LEFT.

I MEAN, REALLY,

WHO WANTS "HAPPILY EVER AFTER"

WHEN YOU'RE 19?

BEFORE YOU CAN BE THE LOVE OF SOMEONE'S LIFE,

YOU HAVE TO HAVE A LIFE FIRST.

WICHITA, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO THANK YOU.

WES...

YOU CAN'T BE LIKE ME.

YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING, BUDDY.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT,

BUT I'M NOT THE GUY YOU THINK I AM.

OF COURSE YOU ARE, MAN. YOU'RE, LIKE--

YOU'RE, LIKE, THE BEST COUNSELOR EVER.

YOU ROCK.

NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!

LET ME STAY AT CAMP, PLEASE!

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!

THIS IS FUN! I LOVE CAMP!

PLEASE LET ME STAY! PLEASE!

I'M GAY.

LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

RICK, YOU'RE NOT GAY. YOU'RE 12.

YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HAVING THOUGHTS LIKE THAT.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY GAY THOUGHTS WHEN YOU WERE MY AGE?

PROMISE ME YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING UNTIL YOU'RE 18, OK?

OK.

HAVE A GOOD SUMMER.

DID YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU WERE 18?

YEAH. UH-HUH.

I'LL BET YOU'RE GLAD

I WAITED UNTIL LAST DAY TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

RUN AWAY.

THIS IS SUCH A DRAG.

I WANT A FAVORITE CAMPER, TOO.

HEY, BACK OFF, BITCH. SHE'S MINE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SO COLOSSAL.

NOW, DON'T FORGET, KID, ALL RIGHT?

OBs. THEY'RE CREATED BY A FEMALE GYNECOLOGIST.

YEAH, AN INSANE FEMALE GYNECOLOGIST.

HAYLEY, DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

ALL RIGHT, THEY'RE THE EASIEST TO SHOPLIFT,

YOU KNOW, BUT NO WOMAN SHOULD BE EXPECTED

TO PAY FOR SOMETHING FORCED ON HER WITHOUT A CHOICE BY NATURE.

I THINK WE NEED A GROUP HUG.

MMM, MMM.

STOP IT!

AH, THERE SHE IS.

NO, SERIOUSLY. THAT'S ENOUGH.

ONE FOR EFFORT.

WELL...

HEY.

SUMMER WOULD'VE BEEN A LOT LESS WITHOUT YOU, DONALD.

YOU'RE A TRUE FRIEND.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

UM...

REMEMBER THAT NIGHT I GOT REALLY DRUNK

AND DECLARED THAT...

I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE THE WAY I LOVE YOU?

NO.

THAT'S GOOD...

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS MYSELF.

AW.

Boy: I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!

LET ME STAY HERE! I LOVE CAMP!

CAMP IS SO FUN!

DO YOU HEAR ME?

I DON'T WANT--

[CONTINUES YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

WAIT!

ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLLAR. LITERALLY.

COME ON. WE DIDN'T DO IT FOR THE MONEY.

NO. WE DID IT FOR-- WE DID IT FOR...

YEAH?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

WHAT'S UP?

THAT WAS THE SUMMER OF MY LIFE, MAN.

I'LL REMEMBER YOU MOST OF ALL, DUDE.

UM, CRAIG, THANK YOU.

THAT'S---I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. THAT'S VERY SWEET.

OH, MAN, I SO GOT YOU.

OH. OH.

OH, YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY, HUH?

OH, YEAH? COME ON. YOU LIKE THAT, HUH? OOH.

AHEM.

Wendy: HERE'S WHERE WE TELL YOU

THAT THIS WAS THE SUMMER WE LOST OUR INNOCENCE.

Adam: BUT REALLY IT'S THE SUMMER WE GOT IT BACK.

Jasper: EXCUSE THE CHEESE, BUT LOVE MATTERS,

RESPECT MATTERS,

AND CAUSING PAIN IS NEVER COOL.

Pixel: ACTUALLY, CAUSING PAIN

IS ABOUT THE COOLEST THING YOU CAN DO,

BUT COOLNESS ISN'T WHAT IT USED TO BE.

HEY, DRIVER, COULD YOU STOP THE BUS, PLEASE?

Kids: WHOA.

THAT'S GOOD.

NO, NO. I'M SORRY, I REFUSE TO GO OUT WITH

THIS DOOM AND GLOOM ATTITUDE.

I'M GETTING A PICTURE FROM YOU COMPLEX INDIVIDUALS.

COME ON, NOW. LET'S GET A KID IN THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

AW. STOP PRETENDING LIKE YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY GOOD TIMES.

Donald: LIFE SUCKS-- IN A GOOD WAY.

FALLING IN LOVE, FALLING IN HATE,

GETTING LAID, GETTING HURT--

WHAT'S ONE WITHOUT THE OTHER?

WHEN IT COMES TO THE RITUAL OF GROWING UP,

SOMETIMES YOU SMILE BECAUSE YOU'RE HAPPY.

OTHER TIMES, YOU SMILE JUST BECAUSE YOU'VE SURVIVED.

THERE WE GO. YEAH.

Donald: HEY, A SMILE IS A SMILE.

* HAPPINESS *

* OH OH *

* HAPPINESS *

* I WAS SCARED ABOUT *

* THAT PERSONAL LOW *

* THIS HEARTACHE *

* ISN'T FAKE *

* I SET UP *

* TIME TO WAIT *

* HAPPINESS *

* OH OH *

* HAPPINESS *

* I CAN RISE WITHOUT YOU *

* GREET THE SKIES WITHOUT YOU *

* I'LL JUST FLOAT IN THE FOG *

* SAY THE HELL WITH IT ALL *

* NOW I SEE *

* WHAT I'LL BE *

* WITHOUT YOU *

* I AM FREE *

* WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN *

* I'LL BE WOKEN UP *

* I WILL TAKE IT *

* I WILL LISTEN *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

* RAIN FALLS FROM THE SKIES ABOVE *

* THE CLOUDS BLOCK OUT THE SUMMER LOVE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SONGS *

* UN-FUN WHEN YOU ARE NOT THE ONE *

* THAT SHE WANTS *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

* IF I HEAR IT ONE MORE TIME *

* I THINK I MIGHT LOSE MY MIND *

* STUPID SONGS ABOUT THEM *

* HAPPY DAYS FOREVER *

* WHEN THEY PLAY THE SAME OLD SILLY SONGS *

* ABOUT SUMMER LOVE *

* I WILL NOT REMEMBER *

* NEVER UN-FORGET HER *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

* AND NOW THAT WE'RE APART *

* I STARTED TO FEEL STRANGE *

* ABOUT THE SONGS *

* THEY USED TO PLAY *

* THEY'RE JUST SO *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER SONGS *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE *

* UNFORGETTABLE SUMMER LOVE *