Original subtitles

So, on behalf of myself,

the many volunteers

and especially the team from KACL...

Whoo!

I'd like to welcome you,

the Grant Family,

to your new Habitat for Humanity house.

Ronnie, if I may?

When my coworkers

first signed me up for this project

without my knowledge, I was-- well, I'll say it-- irked.

But I'm glad they did,

because I've had a chance to learn

the pride that comes when you build something

with your own two hands.

As carpenter's helper,

I sanded that newel post out there.

As painter's helper's assistant,

I stirred the paint for the trim

in the kitchen.

I was also surprised to learn that

electricians don't have helpers.

It's getting dark.

(chuckling): Oh, right, of course.

Enjoy your new home.

I know I did.

And if ever these walls should tumble,

keep an eye out for my Harvard class ring.

Thank you.

MAN: It's hard to believe

the house is finally ours.

We cannot thank everyone enough.

Thank you.

Well... Yay!

Well, are you sure

you took enough credit for the house?

I took just enough, Roz.

It's not my fault

I'm not licensed to use a plug-in tool.

Frasier, those guys...

You don't need a...

Never mind.

No problem. Everything okay?

My mom is a me an, spiteful woman

Maybe we should talk this out before you put your hands on me.

Daphne and her mom had a big fight this morning.

Gertrude's been especially difficult to live with lately.

Yeah, last night

she got the neighbor's cat drunk again.

One of them threw up in the hot tub.

Well, I told her

we will not tolerate this inconsiderate behavior anymore.

If she wants to be part of this household,

she has to get off her lazy bum and help out around the house.

How did I put it, Niles?

I couldn't hear you-- I was in the panic room.

But you looked very forceful on the monitor.

Anyhow, she pinched me keys

and drove off in a snit.

Niles had to drive me over here.

Why, I'm so mad, I could break something.

Are you ready, Martin?

Uh, let's give it a few more minutes.

What is this?

Has Frasier been attempting the laundry again?

ie's. No, it's Edd

It's for a safety talk

Eddie and I are giving at Glenbrook Elementary.

Oh, yeah. Sounds like fun.

We're replacing a talking parrot act--

Officer Chirpy and Sergeant Bob.

Dick Chirpy was one of the finest officers

I ever served with.

It's funny, you know?

With a name like Chirpy, you'd think he'd be the parrot,

but as I said before, he wasn't. He was the guy.

The parrot being Bob.

That's fascinating.

Dad, are you sure you want to do this?

I spoke at a career day once.

It was a disaster-- all the taunting and yelling.

I haven't been so...

I haven't been so afraid o third graders since ninth grade.

Well, thanks for the warning, son,

but Eddie and I will be fine.

Hey, would you like to see part of the act?

We'd love to.

Oh, great. Take a seat.

Come on, Eddie. Show time!

Okay, Eddie,

what should you do before you cross a street?

That's right.

Look both ways

How about if a stranger approaches you?

(barks)

Right again.

Yell and run to someone you trust.

Ok

What about if you catch on fire?

That's right. Stop, drop and roll.

What do you think?

I think the kids are going to love it.

I see Dad's been showing you the act.

Ah. Here we are.

Hmm, darn.

This drawer isn't closing properly.

I think I'd be tter go get my tools

and have a look at it.

You sure you know what you're doing?

Niles, please. I built a house.

I think I can handle a simple drawer.

You know it's probably the slidey thing.

Or the drawer may have become warped

If that's the case, then she's going

to need to be plan ed, sanded and refitted.

Or you could turn the stapler on its side.

I paid good money...

for an upright stapler, Niles

(door opens)

MR. GRANT: Dr. Crane, it's great to see you.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the neighborhood and I thought I'd stop by

to see how you two were coming along.

I also wanted to drop off this little gift for you.

I thought it would be perfect for the house.

Thank you very much. Very generous.

MRS. GRANT: How lovely Thank you.

Come in. Make yourself at home.

Sorry for all the boxes.

Oh, no, please, don't apologize.

You know, this is a beautiful print.

Oh, thank you.

Actually, we've been debating about where to hang this.

I was thinking up on the wall

Uh-huh. Well, that's an excellent place,

but, however, it comes to my mind

that actually if you hung it opposite the front door,

it would be the first thing your guests see

when they arrive.

What a wonderful idea.

Oh, thank you.

Actually, if you don't mind a little suggestion:

If you put the couch, say...

like this, you see, you've got a lovely conversation area

as well as a clear view

of the television.

You really have a gift for this.

Oh, gosh, it's hardly a gift

It's a knack, perhaps.

A flair at best. Wow.

Wait until we tell people

that our living room was decorated

by Dr. Frasier Crane.

Oh, please. Hardly decorated.

But you know, if you'd like to sit down

and sketch out a few ideas together, I'd be delighted

Seriously? Sure.

Well, then I insist that you stay for dinner.

Well, how can I refuse?

Here, let me take that for you.

You know, I had a lot of time to think about this space

when I was watching the plaster dry.

I was plaster watcher.

MRS. MOON: Can I help you?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Just following orders.

Working myself ill so I can contribute

to Her Highness's household coffers.

I'm sure Daphne only meant to suggest

that perhaps you might help out a little bit more at home.

"Contribute" is the word

she shouted down from her high horse.

But I'll be glad to "help out" with the wages I earn

serving strangers with my arthritic hands.

Now, how may I provide you with excellent service?

Well, what would you recommend?

Not having children.

What does she think she's doing?

I guess this is just her childish attempt

to embarrass us.

Working here, she's hoping we'll retreat in humiliation

I stopped being humiliated

after she showed up in that spring break video.

Hello.

Hey, Dad.

Well, it's been 60 years,

but once again

I am the toast of the second grade.

Congratulations.

So it went well, then?

Oh, the kids loved it.

When it was over, they all ran up

and gave me and Eddie big hugs.

Well, Dad, then you might just want to consider

having that uniform cleaned.

Kids that age are always carrying germs.

God knows wh at you picked up.

Oh, I'm sure any germs on their hands were jarred loose

by their wild applause.

The principal aske d us to come back

and have an assembly for all the fourth graders.

Dad, good luck

It's well known that of the cruelest grades

ninth is third, seventh is second

and fourth is first.

If you're not going to order

I'll have to ask you to leave this establishment.

Gert, you working here?

At Daphne's insistence.

The blood is pooling in my feet,

but at least I'm contributing to the palace's upkeep.

Say, maybe I could sell some of that blood

and give my daughter her cut.

Is that a good idea, Daphne?

Should I sell my blood for you?

No, Mom.

You can keep your blood.

Did you hear that, everyone?

My daughter's letting me keep my blood.

Okay, let's just...

That's nice. Maybe we'll go have coffee at home.

No tips.

Nice.

(flatly): Frasier, hi.

What a surprise.

Honey, guess who's here again.

Whoa, four times in one week.

Hi, Chet.

How do you like the sconces, huh?

Uh, good, good

I thought you had plans tonight.

Well, I was just driving by

and I noticed something rather alarming.

What is it?

It seems somebody has put

a cow mailbox at the end of your driveway.

That's ours. Chet put it up this morning

If you want, we'd be happy

to give you back the one you gave us.

No, no, no, that's not necessary. It was a gift.

And it was custom-painted to match the shutters,

exactly the way I pictured it

when this house was no more than a foundation.

Now, the cow is beautiful,

but is it really the first impression you want to make?

Remember, a mailbox is a house's handshake.

We like the cow.

It's cute.

Besides, we're thinking about replacing the shutters.

Maybe put up some awnings.

And a screen door.

Wouldn't that be cozy?

Gosh, I'm sorry.

Everything's going so fast

I, uh, last night when I drove away from here,

it seemed like we were all on the same page.

Now it feels like we're working at cross-purposes.

How do we feel about the accessories?

They're okay.

Okay? Last night they were to die for.

That doesn't sound like something I'd say.

Well, I remember somebody saying it.

Look, all right, let's just try to calm down.

Marge, why don't you go serve up

some of that world-famous apple pie of yours?

We can all sit down and work this out.

Thanks, Dr. Crane, you've been a big help,

but I think we can take it from here.

Well, but surely...

Good night, Dr. Crane.

If you're too sick to drive yourself here,

you're too sick to give a safety talk.

I'll be fine.

I just have to get over this dizziness.

There are you, Mr. Crane.

I was getting nervous.

Listen, I'm afraid my dad's not feeling well.

I think it would be best if we canceled the assembly.

Are you kidding?

If I cancel this thing, we'll have riot on our hands

The teachers are expecting a free period.

The kids are looking forward

to seeing the safety show.

Eddie and I aren't going to let them down.

Okay, if you really think you can do this.

I can.

And by the way, you're just as beautiful today

as you were the day I married you.

Okay, I let that go the first time. Sit down.

We're going to get him some ice water.

We're going to keep him off his feet.

e. Okay, but you'll have to go on in his plac

No, I can't do that. Yes, you can.

Safety is everyone's concern.

And I can't guarantee yours if you don't

(overlapping chatter)

Quiet. Quiet, people.

Settle down.

GameBoys off.

Let's give a warm fourth grade welcome

to Officer Eddie and... friend.

(scattered applause)

Hello, safety fans.

I'm Citizen-Officer Niles

and this is my partner, Officer Eddie.

Okay...

Officer Eddie will now show us how to act

in various dangerous situations.

Say, Officer Eddie, can you show the kids what to do

before they cross the street?

That's right. We wait for the signal.

Okay, uh...

Eddie, show the boys and girls what to do if they're lost

Eddie?

Come here, boy. Hey.

Children, I have a confession to make.

I'm not a Citizen-Officer.

I, uh, I'm a psychiatric doctor

specializing in marriage and family counseling.

(children booing)

I know, I know.

The point is...

the point is that my father is an actual officer

and he'd be here today, except he got a nasty cold--

probably from some careless youngsters at his last assembly.

Which brings up a different

yet no less important kind of safety--

hygiene.

Oh, geez.

I would like to introduce you to the first defense

in the war against germs--

Officer Pocket Square.

Okay, okay.

Maybe it's not cool to carey a handkerchief around anymore...

It's not!

Is influenza cool?

Is scarlet fever cool?

Do you have any idea how many germs

there are on just one finger?

Yes, that finger, for example.

It's millions!

Or take simple dust.

You know what dust is?

s. It's the excretion of mite

Little bugs that are eating your skin right now.

What the hell is he doing?

He's freaking me out, that's what he's doing.

Oh, Roz, hey, come and join me.

I'm in a bit of a pickle.

I'm not sure the Grants

are the right family for our house.

Who?

The Grants-- the people who moved into the house we built.

You went back there?

Just a few times, to try to share with them

the principles of decor, room flow, general livability.

Then they literally showed me the door

Yes, Roz, the very door I hung for them in the first place.

Take a moment to digest the irony.

Frasier, what do you expect?

It's their house.

Yes, but I helped

to build it.

Okay, untangling extension cords and stirring paint

isn't exactly building a house

Oh, I know I didn't do much.

The truth is, I've never really been very handy.

In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad.

It caught fire.

Frasier, you did your part, but now you have to let go.

That poor family probably thinks you're

some rich, arrogant guy who's bossing everyone around.

Oh, Lord.

Maybe I owe them an apology, Roz.

I mean, the last thing I want Marge and Chet to think of me

is that I'm so me sort of a snob.

Did I tell you they have a cow mailbox

at the end of their driveway?

My mom has a cow mailbox.

Well, sure

that's Wisconsin.

The buckle on the bumpkin belt.

Hey, you two.

FRASIER: Oh, hi, Daphe.

A latte, please.

Daphne, here it is.

My first paycheck, $74.12, post tax.

See, everybody, I'm helping out

my well-to-do daughter

with my pittance of a paycheck.

Thanks

I suppose you're going to ask me to stop working here.

Well, I don't care if you are embarrassed.

I will contribute to the household like you told me

even if it kills me.

Sign here.

Right, then...

I'll just work here till I keel over dead.

Kindly set aside a few pennies from my pay

for a nice casket.

Already taken care of.

Four rodent hairs

and the head capsule of an adult grain beetle.

CHILDREN: Ew!

Chocolate. Milk.

Meat. Cookies.

Oh, okay, I heard chocolate. I'll take chocolate.

Per 100 grams,

the government allows an average of approximately

60 insect fragments and the odd rodent hair.

(kids groaning)

But let's say you want to play it safe.

Maybe drink a can of fruit juice.

That's healthy... or is it?

Well, sure,

if your idea of healthy

is approximately five fly eggs and a maggot.

This is your government, people!

PRINCIPAL: All right...

let's thank Dr. Crane for coming by today.

But I'm afraid we're out of time.

CHILDREN: No!

Stay. Stay.

Stay.

PRINCIPAL: Okay, okay, one more

and then we have to say good-bye.

Well, I can't leave without mentioning

our friend the hot dog.

Or perhaps it should be called "hot parasitic cysts,

"insect fragments, general grit

and rodent droppings."

Thank you.

(cheering and applause)

PRINCIPAL: Thank you,

Dr. Crane, for that most enlightening talk

And right before lunch

Everyone exit in a single line to the cafeteria, please.

Good job, Niles.

Thanks.

It was touch-and-go there for a while,

but you came through with flying colors.

Quick thinking making up that stuff about the hot dogs.

Thanks, Dad, but you know I didn't make anything up.

I said it was okay to make up that stuff about hot dogs,

which I love and had for breakfast.

Yes, well, I guess I was faster on my feet than I knew.

Excuse me, sir.

I just wanted to say you were great up there.

Thank you.

Hey, kid...

Here.

Wow!

Thanks, Citizen-Officer Niles!

Thanks for coming along with me, Roz.

I'm not sure they'd open the door

if it was just me.

It's him again.

I-I'm sorry to disturb you.

You remember Roz?

Hi.

Hello.

Yes, I just wanted to say

how sorry I am for my behavior this last week.

I've been intrusive and controlling.

I lost sight of the fact that this is your home...

to do with as you will.

And I sincerely wish you all many years of happiness in it.

Thank you.

You care to come in?

Oh, we'd be honored to be guests in your home.

Oh, look what you've done with the place.

MRS. GRANT: Do you like it?

I think it's great.

What do you think, Frasier?

Would you like to take a tour?

Mm-hmm.

MR. GRANT: We just finished repainting the den yesterday.

Oh, Frasier, you've got to see this.

Oh?

(chuckling): Oh...

Wow, that's purple!

Thank you again for the tour.

Your home is lovely.

We like it.

It's the kind of home we've always dreamed of. Yes.

Good night.

Good night.

Frasier, I am very proud of you.

I did it.

I didn't criticize.

I said nothing judgmental.

I didn't say a single word

about their horrible, horrible taste.

You were great

I finally did it. I...

This was the ultimate test, and I passed.

I can finally let go.

Good-bye, house.

I release you.

They're going to call the police.

Shut up!

It's better this way.

♪♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-calling ♪ ♪

♪♪ Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪♪

♪♪ Quite stylish ♪♪

♪♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪♪

♪♪ Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪♪

(laughs)

♪♪ But I don'’’t know what to do ♪♪

♪♪ With those tossed salad s and scrambled eggs ♪♪

♪♪ They'’’re calling again . ♪♪

Thank you!