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Good afternoon, my darling sons of bitches!

Let me introduce myself.

My name is Brandon

and I'll be trying to entertain you

over the next hour.

You've probably never heard of me

that wouldn't be a surprise because I'm nobody.

They say time flies when you're having fun

so this would seem like forever

because my jokes suck.

But please stay until the end

we have so much to talk about

and I have a surprise for you.

Let me tell you a story about how I came to be here.

Once upon a time I was married to a beautiful woman

named Phillipa.

She was everything you could hope for in a woman

she was adorable

everybody loved her.

All our friends however wondered

what is she doing with an jerk like me?

And they were right.

I was a shy, boring guy obsessed with my work

stuck in my ways, who never had anything interesting to say.

Are there any accountants out there?

We really are the most boring mother fuckers you know.

Did you hear the story about the woman that went to the doctor

for a check-up?

The doctor told her she only had six months left to live.

She's crying, she's desperate,

she said: Doctor there must be something I could do.

"Sure," said the doctor, "You could marry an accountant."

"What?

Would it make me live longer?"

"No," said the doctor

"But he will make your last six months here

seem like an eternity."

So one day Phillipa woke up and thought to herself,

They're right.

I am beautiful and adorable

and I do shine like a star on a cloudless night.

What am I doing with this jerk?

So she dropped me like a hot tamale

and this tamale fell far.

I'd never been with another woman besides Phillipa

and when she left me,

I was alone, and hopeless.

And then one day

I found a flyer on the ground that said, "Stand up!"

And here I stand.

Don't I kill as a comedian?

Are you having a good time?

Let me tell you a story about George C. Parker.

Have you heard of him?

He was a legendary con man in New York City.

Who could sell anything to anyone.

The turn of the 20th century

he became infamous for selling rich tourists

the Brooklyn bridge.

They say he even sold one Russian billionaire

the Statue of Liberty.

Well right now I feel like George C. fucking Parker,

so listen very carefully

because I have tremendous, fabulous,

wonderful stories to sell you.

How was that?

Is that like too much gurgling or?

Uh no, no, no.

It was fine.

Oh hey any chance I could get my SAG card after this?

Yeah, and I'll be getting my acceptance letter

to the Director's Guild any day now.

Hey look on the bright side.

You get to work with the world-famous Father Lance.

You'll be saved from the forces of darkness in front

of millions of viewers!

Where do you want the rest of these cables?

They're fine where they are just make sure you're wired up

and don't, forget to mic up our starlet here.

Do you want me to moan more?

I can, like no problem.

You're doing fine, Hailey.

Okay.

It's Heather, but...

I think keep it classy, okay?

Let's go to a club.

And I will only go if I have table service.

Hey, freshy get ready.

We're hitting Lambda in 30.

You guys go without me.

I'll meet you there.

You're gonna miss pre-game!

Children.

What is she even watching?

Some weird shit.

Drink up!

What reality garbage are you watching now?

"The Cleansing Hour".

You've never heard of "Father Lance"?!

Every week, an incredible deliverance!

Is that what they call special effects these days?

Here.

You're gonna like this.

I like "The Mindy Project".

Don't you want to witness divine intervention?

Bryce.

Want me to take it away?

But Dad, "The Cleansing Hour" is almost on.

First you finish your dinner.

Vegetables too Come on.

God damn it, Lance.

Somebody call for an exorcist?

Well hey sugar.

Where the hell you been, man? We're live in four.

I was

counseling?

Is that fucking lipstick?

Well you know they can't resist a man in uniform.

Tell me again why I put up with your shit.

I'll give you five million reasons and climbing.

Yeah, and if one of those reasons happens to snap a pic

of of Father Lance with his hand down some IHOP waitress's skirt

we're done!

It's over!

Drew that's offensive.

I'm a Denny's man.

What?

Would you watch it?

That's our lifeline!

What is your deal today?

I think he's just trying to say you should show more respect

for technology.

Who the fuck's that guy?

Braden.

Sound.

What happened to Chris?

He's under the weather. Asked me to fill in.

Okay well just don't get your boom in my shot.

And make sure you sign an NDA form.

Wow!

Forgive me, Lord.

I have sinned it's been 90 seconds

I haven't introduced myself.

I'm Lance.

Heather.

Oh.

Uh, nice to meet you!

Yeah, well, Heather it's a beautiful name.

He's gonna shove these up your nose.

I'm gonna place these in your nose, they'll dissolve

after five minutes instant nosebleed.

Drew will direct you.

Thank you.

I'm just gonna move your hair a second

and put this in your ear.

Okay.

Ooh!

Sorry!

That's always the most awkward part.

No problem.

This looks legit!

Where'd it come from?

Found it at a garage sale.

30 seconds take your mark, Padre.

All right, guys!

Let's make it a quick one I got a date with destiny tonight.

Probably not her real name.

Ah, Jesus!

Drew don't take the Lord's name in vain.

Okay, teen seconds. You ready, Heather?

Okay in three

two

one.

I cast you out in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ!

You are at the mercy of the Creator!

Welcome to "The Cleansing Hour".

I am Father Lance, your guide through these troubling times.

Tonight, we bring you Sabrina.

An innocent soul, tortured

by the only family she'd ever known.

Molested by her father, beaten by her mother

Sabrina sought escape from her unimaginable pain,

in the form of drugs, alcohol

and ultimately, prostitution.

'Cause he's rich Well, not just 'cause he's rich!

Well anyway, so it's Josh or Kyle.

The enemy of God exploited her frailty,

and took control of her body, but tonight

by the grace of God with my help and your prayers.

Sabrina will be rid of this evil!

Okay, that's great, Heather!

Keep your head down, whatever they can't see

will terrify them.

In nomine Patris et Filium et Spiritum Sanctum.

All right, great Heather, now try and bite him.

Sabrina is exhibiting incredible strength and aggression.

This could be a stage four possession.

I command you, unclean spirit

by the mysteries of the incarnation,

hatched in the resurrection

and the ascension of our Lord Jesus Christ

that you tell me your name and obey me to the letter!

Speak your name, demon!

Okay, Heather

your demon name is

Slubgob.

Repeat: Slubgob.

Your name, demon.

Speak!

Damn, Heather, very nice!

Tell me your name, in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ!

We are Thoth.

Collector of fractured souls!

Soon we'll be thousands in number.

Limitless in strength!

Just go with it, she said her name was Thoth.

Uh, Heather I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but please stick to the script.

Our Father, who art in heaven.

Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come.

What on Earth are you two watching?

Are you seeing this?

Thoth.

Abhor and slime of Hell, servant of Satan.

See the cross of the Lord Jesus

and submit

to the authority of the Almighty!

Fight Sabrina!

Fight!

Do not give in!

Fight!

That wasn't me.

Must've slipped.

Fuck you, deceiver!

Fuck you for all of the masses!

You will take the world and the bounty it provides.

You're nothing but a pawn in the eyes of the Great One!

Silence!

Silence, demon!

I cast you out in the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ!

Be gone and depart from Sabrina,

who is but an innocent creature of God!

For it is He who commands you.

He who flung you from the heights of Heaven

to the depths of Hell!

What the fuck?

Is that you?

Hearken therefore and tremble in fear.

For you are at the mercy of the creator of all things!

Submit and depart from us!

Holy shit!

Heather?

We've got a problem, something's wrong Heather?

Heather!

I don't think she's acting!

I got to end transmission!

Don't you dare!

Look at the numbers!

Help me, Father Lance!

Please!

We've got to fix this!

Don't break the fourth one!

13 million people are gonna watch this girl die.

Who do you think they're gonna blame?

Help me, Father Lance.

Give me the book!

I'm the exorcist, right?

Read it out loud.

Yeah.

Help me, Father Lance!

Repel

Repel, O Lord the devil's power.

Break asunder his snares and traps

Put the unholy tempter to flight

I cast you out, demon!

Be gone, be gone, be gone!

Depart from us in the name of Jesus Christ!

Be gone!

Sabrina?

Are you with us?

Sabrina?

Sabrina, are you with us?

S-Sabrina?

Sabrina, are you...

are you with us?

Are you with us?

Get her off me!

Drew!

Help!

I'll get her legs!

I'll get her legs!

What the fuck?

Got her legs!

I got her legs!

What the fuck?

What happened?

Did I do a good job?

You did good, Heather.

You did good.

I did it.

I fucking did it!

We have to take a selfie before we go!

Bitch!

I am not.

So God created man in his image.

And then

he created women.

And he said unto them

fruitful and multiply

and populate the Earth

and subdue it.

And so we did.

We fucked like rabbits.

Populated the planet.

And fucked it all up!

Out of the mouths of babes

and The Bible.

Words hurt huh?

Man's words hurt even more, because they're filled

with nothing more than lies and bad intentions.

Why don't you just give up, and let the demon into your body?

And you, demon!

Why do you hesitate to enter this woman?

She's not as bad as the others.

Jesus, being an exorcist is really tough!

I mean a real nightmare.

We used to have to convince the demon

out of the body.

But now we are so fucked up

they're too scared to possess us!

Of course, it's all God's fault.

He's a workaholic.

I mean

he could've been like everyone else and worked Monday to Friday

but no, he's an overachieving asshole

who wanted to work six days a week

and only rest on Sundays.

We could've been so cool but he was in such a rush now.

He made us human.

There are many others like him

that take things too seriously.

Work more than they need to

slaves to their job.

These workaholics are the ones you have to watch

especially the evil ones.

That was fucking creepy.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello

Hello, Mia

Dave?

Sorry, my fucking Bluetooth.

What are you doing?

Well I'm talking to you on the phone and driving over

to your place.

You know you're late by the way.

Yeah well, I might have had to make a stop.

What for?

I got you something.

Last time I got a gift from you, it was football tickets.

Yeah, and those were really good seats.

You know I don't watch football.

What?

What do you mean you don't watch football, since when?

That was a fun day.

I got us on the kiss cam.

We had beers, I got you those fucking nachos you wanted.

Being romantic is not your thing.

Okay, I'll be there soon.

Come on, come on, don't hit me.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Are you on fucking steroids or what?

Oh my gosh!

That is what you get for being an idiot.

Oh my gosh, you're so adorable

when you're upset.

What if I had a knife in my hand?

What if you had a knife in your hand?

I don't know, what would happen?

Maybe you'd stab me

cut me right here, and I'd get blood all over you.

You'd get all wet.

I got you a bear.

You are so creepy.

His name is Bill.

Bill?

Mhm.

Bill is not a cute name for a bear.

I think it's a cute name for a bear.

And I got you flowers.

Does that make up for it?

Am I romantic enough for you?

Yeah?

I like how my shirt looks on you by the way.

Really?

It's pretty hot.

Yeah?

But I am going to need it back right now.

I need you to take it off.

Oh!

Should I just take it off?

Like right now, yeah.

Yeah, just like right now.

Yeah, like right now.

That's good, that's a good start.

A couple more buttons

911, where is your emergency?

Oh my God, please!

Help me, he's coming after me.

What do you want?

Sorry,

I haven't had breakfast.

Anyway,

back to the story of Phillipa.

I always wanted to be a father.

I wanted children

with all my heart.

But Phillipa didn't.

She was perfect

being pregnant would ruin her figure.

And she would probably lose followers on Instagram.

After we divorced

Phillipa quickly moved on

and started dating some other asshole.

Who was even more boring than me.

A year later

she fell pregnant.

So what the hell happened there?

Perhaps Phillipa thought she would get more

likes and comments

if she was holding a puppy.

She always liked to do it doggy style.

She probably thought she was gonna have puppies.

I loved her dearly

but she was too shallow.

Too

dependant on her appearance.

I mean, you can't blame her.

Who isn't these days?

A culture based

on appearances and hypocrisy.

That's what this is!

Perhaps

that's why I'm here.

Because

I wasn't true to myself.

But No more!

Now it's a time to change.

Now

it's time to be free.

It's nice we can choose the clothes together.

We're so lucky

not everybody can do that.

It'll be big on you, but I'd like you to wear

my father's suit.

What do you think?

I don't care.

I'll wear whatever.

No, you must look smart.

It's an important day for me.

Lots of people are coming, you must look perfect.

Then just choose my clothes for me.

I'm not in the mood.

Shoes?

The brown ones are nicer, right?

Those ones rub and give me sores.

I prefer the black ones.

These ones.

They're newer.

They're newer because I never wear them.

They rub.

Then put some plasters on.

Why ask me which shoes I want if you're going

to choose them yourself?

Which tie?

I like these two.

I don't like wearing a tie.

I never wear a tie.

It's not my style.

Style!

Style What's your style?

You look like a rustic.

I am a rustic and I like the way I look, okay?

Shave that beard off.

You're not going with that great beard.

You're not touching my great beard.

I was practically born with a beard.

You met me with this beard.

That beard is going and that's that.

Don't you dare I mean it, okay?

Darling.

That beard.

That beard it's disgusting.

It doesn't suit you.

It never has.

These clothes that we're choosing

you'll be wearing for eternity.

We don't have much time

so make an effort and help me with all of this.

You're the star.

Lots of people are coming

to see you one last time at your wake.

So I want you to look handsome and radiant.

They'll think that I've dressed you badly because

you're a simple villager.

But that's what I am.

That's how I want people to remember me.

With my shirts

with tracksuit bottoms

and, above all

with my beard.

Don't touch my beard, okay?

I have to get the flowers

the coffin and call the last guests.

The burial is in three days.

So don't be selfish.

Cooperate a little, please.

Darling

why don't you just wait until I die and you can do it

as you like.

Darling, I don't like to remind you but

the doctor said you have less than 48 hours left.

What if he's wrong?

He won't be wrong.

He looks so smart.

Are the clothes his?

Or are they from the funeral home?

It's my father's suit.

We chose it together for the occasion.

Rest assured, dear.

He's more handsome dead than he was alive.

A little too much make-up though, don't you think?

If not he'd be white and would give us the chills

but I think it's a complete waste of time.

He'll start to rot in a few hours.

He looks better without a beard.

He looks younger.

He's unrecognizable without it.

He looks gay.

I always told him to shave.

Without that beard, he's so handsome.

He looks like a fairy.

Why did you shave him?

It was one of his last requests.

If you don't mind, could you join the others?

I'd like to be alone with him.

Darling!

What the hell are you doing alive?

I don't know.

I just woke up.

My God, what a shock.

How can this be?

The doctor confirmed your death a few hours ago.

He confirmed it badly then.

Because, as you can see,

I'm alive.

I feel absolutely fine.

We're burying you in an hour.

Your friends are here, it's all ready.

Even people who don't like you came.

We'll cancel it that's that.

I'll go out right now and explain it all.

Are you crazy?

It's been a lot of trouble.

There are hundreds of people.

There are high expectations.

That many people came?

It's a success.

I've always been a popular guy.

They'll be happy I'm alive.

Darling

I'm your wife and I love you

but it's too late now.

We're used to the idea now.

What do you mean?

We can't lose face.

We'd look stupid.

I'd be a laughing stock.

There's a lot at stake.

What do you mean?

You have to die.

You can't just resurrect like this.

Are you serious?

Of course.

Shit You can't do this to me.

Juan, don't talk back to me.

Your mother is here.

My parents are on their way.

When they arrive, they want you dead and buried.

We can't let them down.

I don't want to die yet.

I'm not ready.

Darling.

Do you love me?

Yes.

Well, if you really love me

die.

You want me to kill myself?

My little boy.

My little boy's gone.

Faustina, don't fuss over him you'll crease his suit.

Goodness me.

He's so handsome without his beard.

You shaved my beard in the end.

What are you doing alive?

I don't know but I've woken up.

See?

Fresh as a daisy.

It's a miracle!

Yes.

Of course, I said that to her:

"It's a miracle", but

now I want to go outside and give everybody the good news.

But she won't let me.

She says I have to die.

He wants to cancel the funeral.

He says he doesn't want to be buried until he's dead.

Cancel the funeral?

Are you crazy?

Do you know the amount of people here?

It's the funeral of the year.

It cannot be canceled.

But, Mum?

Don't "mum" me.

You'll be buried today and that's that.

We can't lose face with everybody.

But I don't want to die, Mum.

Son,

don't be selfish.

You have less than one hour

to die.

What rotten luck.

How am I supposed to do it?

I don't know.

I don't know Hold your breath like when you have the hiccups.

Hiccups?

I can't.

I can't.

I'm suffocating.

Darling, that's the idea.

I don't like it.

Think of another way. I don't like this one.

Don't cry.

Cooperate a little, son!

If you want me to die then think of something else.

Why don't you cut your veins?

How's it going, darling?

I feel a little dizzy

but that's about it.

The funeral workers are coming in 30 minutes,

they can't find him like this!

Marisa, darling?

Go to the kitchen, get the carving knife and stab me

as many times as it takes.

Me?

Stab you?

How can he be so macabre?

I can't take anymore.

Come on.

Harder.

You won't die.

Don't you feel anything?

My dear

my stomach hurts, but

I think I'm just nervous.

Damn it, Juanito.

Just die!

How's it going?

Mum!

We're running out of time.

People are impatient.

This bastard doesn't want to die.

I'll help.

I found this in the kitchen.

Mum?

What are you going to do?

You keep stabbing him.

I'm going to whisk his stomach.

It's disgusting!

Life is disgusting

death more so.

What beautiful words, Mum.

Why are you smoking?

Smoking kills.

It'll take hours for him to bleed out.

It's not working.

But the blood is perfectly fluffy.

Fantastic.

Look at it all.

I didn't want to let anyone down and now it's a disaster.

I gave my life preparing this funeral

for nothing.

Who will clean all this blood?

What will we say?

What will they think of us?

Look!

Look at our dresses

and what we've done to your son.

What do we look like?

You look like what you are:

Two fucking psychopaths.

How dare you insult your mother.

Who does he think he is?

Some manners!

He's not moving.

What?

He's not moving

or breathing.

Are you sure?

Yes

yes.

I think you killed him.

I killed

my son?

Yes, Faustina.

You killed him!

You killed him!

No.

I can't have done.

Not my son, no.

But Faustina, isn't this what we wanted?

The worst thing that can happen to a mother

is to lose her child!

But, at least

we don't have to cancel the ceremony.

I think I scared them.

They didn't recognize me without my beard.

What do we do now?

Why can't I die?

Why can't I die?!

Dr Gonzalez, please go to surgery.

And this low pressure system, is going to slide in

and bring with it.

Now what? you fucking gringo.

I have my green card!

US Border protection: How can I help you?

Well yeah.

You can help me, give me my job back.

What the fuck did you do?

What the fuck did you do?

You destroyed my car, fucking gringo!

Thanks for your collaboration,

and remember: Don't come back again!

And the gringo wants to charge us for the wall.

Tell him no, fucking racist gringo!

We won't pay you shit!

Wait a minute please.

Mr. Trump

look, we are honest people and

we only want to ask you to...

Who changed my case?

Who did you steal this from?

Well, it was there

Play the guitar!

Sing something, but in English, or he won't understand.

Come here Mr. diplomat.

It's up to you to demand him

put it on!

If you don't

he'll step over our people and destroy our culture.

Go, hurry up!

Now, who could save us?

Hey what's that?

It's a miracle!

It's quetzalcoatl.

Is it the hail Mary?

It is the hail Mary!

Hell yeah motherfucker!

Well, believe it or not we are already halfway

through the show.

Wasn't as bad as you thought.

Well, perhaps it was

but you have to defend yourself, don't you?

A wise man once said

that our decisions get us into trouble

but our pride that keeps us there.

Sometimes we make decisions to please people

or annoy them.

Like I did with my father

I decided to study accountancy

just to piss him off.

My dad was a rock singer

but not one of those that would sell a million records

or that you would see on TV.

He was the type of guy that would hop from bar to bar

working for tips.

He was happy

a free soul.

But he never gave my mother or I a dime.

He said money was the root of all evil.

I was 19 when I enrolled to study the thing

he would hate the most: accounting.

I would count money

touch money

smell money.

And become the complete opposite

of what he was:

an artist.

Deep down I hated my choice too

but the fact that it depressed and disappointed my father

was reason enough for it to be worthwhile.

And that's how I ended up working in a career that I hate

and now my father is dead.

I hadn't accounted on that.

Never do anything for anyone else for any reason whatsoever!

Never!

You just do you!

When I die, I wanna go peacefully like my grandad.

Not screaming like his passengers.

John says to Jack:

You know since yesterday my uncle rests in peace.

Jack says:

Oh sorry.

I didn't know your uncle died.

He didn't, it was my aunt who died.

Two guys meet in heaven

one says to the other:

How did you go?

I froze to death, said the other

and you?

I died of laughter

Laughter?

What do you mean?

Well, I thought my wife was having an affair

so I left for work

and then returned an hour later to catch them

I searched the whole house for them

and when I realized my mistake

I started laughing and gave myself a heart-attack!

You idiot!

Says the other guy.

If you looked in the freezer you could have saved us both!

Get it?

The lover was hiding in the freezer!

The other guy was a cuckold!

Just like you!

Why did you say that?

Because you are a cuckold

I'm not a cuckold!

Yes, you're holding my cock right now.

No I'm not.

Anyway,

I don't know why I'm arguing with you.

I don't know why you've got your hand up my ass.

Stop it. You know nothing. You know nothing about Phillipa.

She loves me.

No, you're right.

Of course I don't.

But you remind me of this guy Dan.

Dan was playing in the casino.

His friend rushes in and says:

Quick, Dan!

Your wife is sleeping with someone else in the car park.

Dan runs out

comes back ten minutes later.

You idiot!

You scared me!

It wasn't someone else.

It was the same guy as always.

Cut it out.

Phillipa says: Honey, can you buy me a cell phone?

What about the other one?

The other one will get me a tablet.

Hey Brandon.

You know how Phillipa's nickname

is Phil.

Well when she gets a runny nose from too much sex

the guys all call her Phul!

Hey!

You know what else they call your wife?

American Flag!

Cause she even gets planted on the Moon!

Mission control?

Do you read me?

Mission control!

Do you read me?

Over!

Mission Control, this is SEV Omega T26.

I need help!

Please answer!

Mission Control this is SEV Omega T26.

Please answer!

This is SEV Omega T26.

I need help!

Mayday!

Mission Control, please.

Please answer someone!

Please!

Please, just...

Oh I Wonder what you are.

Up above the world so High.

Like a diamond in the sky.

Hello?

Is anybody there?

Mayday! This is SEV Omega T26

Houston, Tranquility Base here.

The Eagle has landed.

Okay, Houston, we've had a problem here.

This is Houston.

Say again, please.

Uh, Houston, we've had a problem.

Needless to say, they have useful application

in a lot of situations.

But when it comes to your skin,

chemicals are a definitely no-no.

So also bio food bio beauty products.

Why am I not surprised?

Ok, people listening to us are probably dying to know more.

So, stop the agony and give me the cure.

Well, biological are quiet trendy today.

The beauty and now the help is we have started to get

on the bandwagon, saying that

"If people put bio into their bodies.

Why not put bio onto their bodies too?"

It's just really stuff.

Yeah, it's fascinating and also

and now you have authenticity right here.

Quiet a lot of it is natural and vital ingredients

and lotions-our listeners can go out and buy it

at any natural food store.

Am I right?

Yes. Yes, yes, you're right.

Help me!

Come on.

Hello.

Hey sheriff.