Original subtitles

AW.

AHH.

HUH.

STOP THE LEAK BALLOON BOY.

I AIN'T MOVIN'.

OH, NO. I'M GREAT.

I LOVE WASTING MY WHOLE LUNCH PERIOD

WATCHING YOU HAVE A YAK-ATTACK ALL OVER YOUR BLOG.

YOU COULD ALWAYS WATCH INTERNET VIDEOS

WITH SPUD INSTEAD.

HA HA HA HA! HEH HEH!

HOW DOES THE MONKEY KEEP FINDING

NEW PLACES TO HIDE THE CHEESE?

PASS. JUST BLOG IT ALL OUT,

AND WE'LL HIT THE COURTYARD.

YOU CAN'T RUSH PASSION, JAKEY.

BLOGGING IS THE VOICE OF OUR GENERATION.

THIS IS HOW WE GET UP IN FRONT OF THE WORLD

AND SAY YO,

THIS IS WHERE WE STAND, AND WE SHALL NOT BE MOVED.

WHAT KYLE WILKINS WORE TODAY?

UNLESS KYLE'S WEARING VINTAGE JEANS AND A MUSCLE TEE.

NOW THAT WILL MOVE ME. MMM, MMM.

CALL THE MOVIN' VAN.

HEY. WHAT'S GOIN' ON OUT THERE?

MONKEY HIDING CHEESE.

OH, PLEASE BE A MONKEY HIDING CHEESE.

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Boy: OOH, OOH. WAIT, WAIT.

BRADSTER'S GOT ONE EVEN BETTER.

IN THE FOURTH GRADE, FREDERICK BUTTERSLEEVES

HAD TO GO TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE

WITH A CRICKET UP HIS NOSE.

[LAUGHTER]

IT WAS MY SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT.

WE GOT A THUMB SUCKER!

Students: OOH!

BRAD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THE BRADSTER TOTALLY GANKED SOME PERMANENT RECORDS

FROM ROTWOOD'S OFFICE.

YOU GOT SOMEBODY YOU WANNA BUY SOME DIRT ON?

THESE BABIES WILL HAVE THEIR MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

FROM PRESCHOOL TO THIS MORNING.

THIS ISN'T FUNNY, GUYS.

PEOPLE GOT PRIVATE STUFF IN THERE.

Boy: OH, COME ON, THIS IS GREAT! Girl: IT IS TOO FUNNY.

Boy: COME ON, NOW, THIS IS TOO GOOD!

YOU GOT PRIVATE STUFF IN YOUR RECORD, JERK LONG?

LET'S FIND OUT.

HEY, GIMME THAT!

UH, THAT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS, BRAD.

LEAVE HIM ALONE!

HUH HO, CHECK IT!

PERSONAL NOTES FROM ROTWOOD.

A VERY IMPORTANT PLAYER IN THE MAGICAL WORLD,

THANKS TO HIS SECRET DOUBLE-LIFE AS A FIRE...

BREATHING...DRAGON?

[ALL GASP]

¶ HE'S COOL ¶

¶ HE'S HOT LIKE A FROZEN SUN ¶

¶ HE'S YOUNG AND FAST ¶

¶ HE'S THE CHOSEN ONE ¶

¶ PEOPLE, WE'RE NOT BRAGGIN' ¶

¶ HE'S THE AMERICAN DRAGON ¶

¶ HE'S GONNA STOP HIS ENEMIES ¶

¶ WITH HIS DRAGON POWER ¶

¶ DRAGON TEETH, DRAGON TAIL ¶

¶ BURNIN' DRAGON FIRE ¶

¶ A REAL LIVE WIRE ¶

¶ AMERICAN DRAGON ¶

¶ AMERICAN DRAGON ¶

¶ HE'S THE AMERICAN DRAGON ¶

¶ HIS SKILLS ARE GETTIN' FASTER ¶

¶ WITH GRANDPA, THE MASTER ¶

¶ HIS DESTINY WELL, WHAT'S UP, G? ¶

¶ IT'S SHOWTIME, BABY, FOR THE LEGACY ¶

¶ AMERICAN DRAGON ¶

¶ I'M A DRAGON, I'M NOT BRAGGIN' ¶

¶ IT'S MY DESTINY ¶

¶ I'M THE MAGICAL PROTECTOR OF THE N.Y.C. ¶

YA HEARD!

¶ AMERICAN DRAGON ¶

UH, ABOUT THAT FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON STUFF--

I CAN EXPLAIN EVERYTHING. SEE--

Brett: HA HA! JERK LONG

THINKS HE'S SOME KIND OF DRAGON

IN HIS OWN MAKE PRETEND FANTASY WORLD.

ALL ABOARD!

THE PIXIE LAND EXPRESS. CUCKOO!

[LAUGHTER]

AT LEAST IT'S A COVER STORY.

BUT YOU CAN'T-- I'M--I'M NOT--

IT'S PROBABLY JUST ROTWOOD MAKING UP STORIES.

WHO CARES?

IT'S HIL-A-RACIOUS!

AND IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!

THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THESE FROM ROTWOOD'S OFFICE?

[GERMAN ACCENT] DID I LEAVE THOSE FOLDERS SITTING OUT

WITH THE DOOR OPEN

AND JAKE LONG'S FILE ON THE TOP OF THE STACK, AGAIN?

ACH! WHAT A MAJOR OOPSIE I HAVE COMMITTED.

ONE DAY'S DETENTION FOR YOU NAUGHTY BOYS.

ONE DAY! THAT'S ALL THEY GET?

OH, AND BY THE WAY, STUDENTS,

NEXT WEEK, WE WILL BE WORKING ON CLASS MOSTS AND BESTS.

YOU KNOW, MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED, BEST HAIR,

BIGGEST WEIRDO FREAK.

BIGGEST WEIRDO FREAK.

SINCE WHEN IS THAT A CATEGORY?

IT, UH, MUST HAVE JUST BEEN ADDED.

HOW TOTALLY COINCIDENTAL!

ANY NOMINATIONS?

JAKE LONG, FOR BIGGEST WEIRDO FREAK.

YEAH, JAKE LONG! SECOND IT.

Boy: OH, YEAH.

HA HA! DEMOCRACY IN ACTION.

TA.

[GROANS]

YO, YOU WANTED THOSE PUNKS TO READ MY FILE.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

ZE DOOR, PLEASE.

PERMIT ME TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK VITH YOU, MR. LONG.

AS A YOUNG STUDENT OF MAGICAL CREATURES,

I MADE A PROMISE TO MYSELF.

I SWORE I WOULD EXPOSE MY FIRST MAGICAL CREATURE

TO THE WORLD BY MY 47th BIRTHDAY.

WHY 47th?

WAS A TYPO.

THAT BIRTHDAY ARRIVES IN ONE WEEK.

YET, NOTHING TO SHOW FOR MY LIFE'S VERK.

OH, I HAVE HAD MANY LEADS OVER THE YEARS.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW CLOSE I AM TO FINDING SOMEPLACE

CALLED THE MAGUS BAZAAR.

THE, UH, BIZARRO WHAT NOW?

AND, OF COURSE, I DID LEARN THAT A CERTAIN YOUNG MAN

LIVES THE SECRET LIFE OF A DRAGON.

BUT, AS WE HAVE SEEN,

[ROARS]

[SIGHS] YOU ARE NOT SO EASILY EXPOSED.

SO, NOW WE PLAY DIRTY, LIKE THE SWINEY PIGGIES, JA?

YOU THINK GETTING ME NOMINATED FOR FREAK OF THE YEAR

IS GONNA PROVE I'M A DRAGON?

NO, BUT IT WILL THROW YOU OFF YOUR GAME.

GET YOU TO MAKE A MISTAKE--

DRAGON UP AT ZE WRONG MOMENT.

AND WHEN YOU DO, WHO WILL BE THERE

TO RECORD THE EVIDENCE OF YOUR TRUE MAGICAL NATURE?

HANS ROTWOOD!

ENJOY THE TEEN GOSSIP MACHINE.

[GIGGLING AND WHISPERING]

UH, HEY, LADIES.

GOSSIP SURE TRAVELS FAST, HUH?

HA HA HA.

OH!

THERE'S A DUDE THAT THINKS HE'S A DRAGON.

DOES HE BREATHE FIRE?

OH, HE'S GONNA FLY!

[LAUGHTER]

UH.

UHH.

JOIN US, BROTHER.

[GASPS]

UHH.

[GASPS]

FANTASY SECTION'S OVER THERE, DRAGON BOY.

[GROANS] ROTWOOD, PUNK.

MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A FREAK, STUPID GOSSIP.

SPUD! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, MAN?

UH, JUST A SEC, JAKE.

THEY GOT RAPPIN' BABIES ON THE INTERNET NOW.

RAPPIN' BABIES!

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

¶ MAMA, MAMA ¶

¶ BA BA BA BABA ¶

¶ MAMA! ¶

LOG ON, BLOG ON. UNLOAD.

HMM.

Trixie: OOH-WHEE!

THAT IS A SERIOUS BLOG SLAPPIN'

YOU'RE LAYIN' DOWN ON ROTWOOD, BOY!

BUT ISN'T THIS JUST GONNA MAKE

THE POPULARITY BEAT-DOWN WORSE?

I MEAN, YOU CALLED YOURSELF THE AMDRAG.

NOBODY AT SCHOOL EVEN KNOWS WHAT THE AMDRAG IS.

BESIDES, THERE'S, LIKE, HALF A MILLION BLOGS OUT THERE.

WHO CARES ABOUT MINE?

Girl: HEY, SARAH, CHECK THIS OUT.

COMING!

LOOKS LIKE THE AMERICAN DRAGON

FINALLY DISCOVERED CYBERSPACE.

AND HE REALLY HATES THIS GUY CALLED ROTWOOD.

I WONDER WHAT HE'S SAYIN' ON HIS BLOG.

I GOT TO TAKE A LOOK.

WHAT SITE'S SHE GOT THERE?

Jake: JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT ROTWOOD COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE--

Rotwood: AND FOR THOSE STUDENTS WITH SPECIAL

DRAGON DIETARY NEEDS, THE CAFETERIA STAFF HAS PREPARED

AN ALTERNATE LUNCH OF...

[CHUCKLES] BRAVE KNIGHTS AND PRETTY DAMSELS.

HA HA!

[LAUGHTER]

Jake: I MEAN, WHY DOES HE ALWAYS

GOTTA BE HATIN' ON MAGICAL CREATURES?

YEAH, WHAT'S ROTWOOD'S PROBLEM?

Jake: IF YOU LOOK UP EVIL, LYING,

GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, LOSER PUNK IN THE DICTIONARY,

I CAN TELL YOU RIGHT NOW WHO'S PICTURE YOU'D SEE.

FOR SERIOUS,

I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO GET THAT JERK OUT OF MY LIFE.

HE'D GIVE ANYTHING?

ISN'T THE AMERICAN DRAGON SUPPOSED TO BE,

LIKE, A MILLIONAIRE OR SOMETHING?

REALLY? WELL, HE IS FAMOUS, RIGHT?

AREN'T, LIKE, ALL FAMOUS PEOPLE RICH?

AYE, HE USED TO WORK FOR LEPRECHAUNS, YOU KNOW.

[ALL CHATTERING]

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SOME KIND OF MILLION DOLLAR REWARD

FOR A HUMAN CALLED ROTWOOD.

WOW, EASY MONEY!

HEY, CHUCK. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT I JUST HEARD!

ONLY A COUPLE DAYS LEFT TILL VOTING.

HOW BAD IS MY SCHOOL CRED?

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

IF ANYBODY SAW ME WALKIN' TO SCHOOL WITH YOU,

I'D BE KNOWN AS THE BRIDE OF FREAK-ENSTEIN.

AW, MAN!

THIS IS GONNA GO IN THE YEARBOOK AND EVERYTHING.

WE GOTTA TURN THIS THING AROUND SOMEHOW.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMEBODY AT SCHOOL

WHO'S A BIGGER FREAK THAN--

ZOMBIE BAND GEEK!

ARR!

YO, SPUD. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IF A MONKEY HIDING CHEESE AND A COUPLE OF RAPPING BABIES

CAN BE INTERNET VIDEO STARS,

ANYONE CAN!

SO I FIGURED, HEY, I'LL JUST DRESS UP AS A ZOMBIE BAND GEEK

JUMP OUT OF DARK ALLEYS TO SCARE PEOPLE

CATCH IT ON DVD AND...

WHAT?

SO, YEAH, THERE'S PROBABLY STILL A FEW KIDS AT SCHOOL

FREAKIER THAN YOU.

YOU MAY BE ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU COULD JUST KEEP AWAY FROM ANY WEIRDO STUFF

FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.

AAHR!

UHH!

WHOA! JAKEY!

LET ME GO,

OR TASTE MY TALONS, YOU FOOL!

HIT-AND-RUN ARTIST, HUH?

WELL, TASTE THIS!

DRAGON UP!

WHO SENT YOU?

I SAW HIM FIRST. HE'S MINE!

AAH! FORGET IT.

NO REWARD IS WORTH THIS.

HEY, I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!

WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

UH, JAKEY...

"ROTWOOD?"

[HUMMING]

YUMMY, YUMMY CRULLER--

MAKES MY TUMMY FEEL MUCH FULLER.

A HA HA HA HA! THAT'S A JOKE.

THAT THING WASN'T AFTER ME AT ALL.

I WAS JUST IN THE WAY OF ITS REAL TARGET.

HMM HMM HMM HMM.

[DRUM ROLL]

WHAT? IT'S FOR DRAMATIC AFFECT.

CRESCENDO, CRESCENDO...

SILENCIO!

UGH, DUDE.

CHILLS.

Fu Dog: A MILLION BUCKS? [WHISTLES]

SO, HYPOTHETICALLY, WHO WOULD I TALK TO ABOUT COLLECTING

IF I WAS THINKING, YOU-- FU DOG!

WHAT? I'D BUY YA SOMETHIN' NICE.

THAT'S THE THING, FU.

IT DOESN'T SAY WHO'S BEHIND THIS.

WHO WOULD BEAR ILL-WILL TOWARD

A MIDDLE SCHOOL PRINCIPAL?

[SCOFFS] A MIDDLE SCHOOL?

ROTWOOD TOLD ME HE WAS REAL CLOSE TO FINDING OUT

WHERE MAGUS BAZAAR WAS.

SOME BIG SHOT IN THE MAGIC WORLD MUST HAVE FOUND OUT

AND PUT A PRICE ON HIS CAPTURE...

OR WORSE.

PRINCIPAL ROTWOOD HAS NO IDEA

OF THE DANGER HE IS IN.

AND, IF WE ARE TO KEEP HIM

FROM EXPOSING ANY MAGICAL CREATURES,

HE MUST REMAIN SO.

YOU DON'T EVEN WANT US TO WARN HIM?

NO, I WANT YOU TO PROTECT HIM.

WITHOUT LETTING HIM KNOW YOU ARE DOING IT.

SAY WHAT? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?

FU DOG AND I WILL SCOUR THE MAGICAL UNDERWORLD

TO FIND OUT WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.

IN THE MEANTIME, YOU MUST FOLLOW ROTWOOD EVERYWHERE.

REMEMBER, ANYONE AND ANYTHING COULD BE A THREAT--

CONSTANT VIGILANCE. [BABIES COOING]

EVEN THE SLIGHTEST DISTRACTION COULD MEAN--

ARTHUR SPUDINSKI!

WHAT IS ON MY COMPUTER?

RAPPING BABIES/ MONKEY HIDING CHEESE

CROSS-OVER VIDEO.

KINDA OBVIOUS, BUT, UH, IT WORKS.

[SHUDDERING] UGH.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

[HUMMING]

Jake: WHAT'S HE DOING, SPUD?

I CAN'T TELL.

BUT WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S REALLY COLORFUL

AND THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF 'EM.

SAY WHAT?

SPUD, THIS IS A KALEIDOSCOPE.

YEAH, ALL MY SPY GEAR COMES FROM CEREAL BOXES.

I'M HAVIN' MY DOUBTS ABOUT

THE MARSHMALLOWMICROPHONE, TOO.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S ALL CLEAR.

FOR NOW, ANYWAY.

[SPLAT]

UH...GUYS?

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, BLOBZILLA.

WHOA!

UNH!

STOP MOVIN' JAKEY.

LET US GET A HANDLE ON IT.

TIME FOR A LITTLE PUDDLE STOMPING.

DRAGON UP!

UH...UM,

I'M--WHOO! I'M DRAGGIN'--

UNDER THE WEIGHT OF THIS BACKPACK.

WHOO, HOMEWORK TODAY! YEESH!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' PEOPLE?

GETTING SCHLOPPY, ALREADY, MR. LONG?

OH, HOW ZE GOSSIP MUST BE AFFECTING

YOUR TENDER JUNIOR HIGH SELF-ESTEEM.

HERE, HAVE A FLYER! THEY'RE GOING FAST, YOU KNOW.

"JAKE 4 FREAK"?

UGH!

UH, JAKE?

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO BLOG OFF SOME OF THAT STEAM, INSTEAD.

¶ I'VE GOT WI-FI ¶

[ANGRILY] GOOD IDEA.

OH, NOW THAT IS JUST INFURIATIN'.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE OF THAT GUY?

WAIT TILL HE GETS HIS!

EH, OH, BIG ERNIE,

I'M TRYIN' TO GET SOME INFORMATION HERE.

YEAH, YEAH. HOLD YOUR CENTAURS, HUH?

AH, COME ON. HE DID NOT!

AAH! ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?

AIYAA. COME ALONG, FU DOG.

YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THIS.

NO IDEA WHO'S PAYIN', THOUGH.

ASK BEN THE FISH.

HE'S THE ONE WHO TOLD ME.

ALL I KNOW IS,

SKINNY VINNY TELLS ME

SOMEBODY'S PAYIN' TO TAKE CARE OF THIS ROTWOOD CREEP,

BUT, GOOD.

TELL YA TRUE,

I DON'T QUITE RECOLLECT WHO TOLD ME FIRST.

YA'LL TRY TALKIN' TO BIG ERNIE YET?

[GROANS]

OOH, BOY.

I JUST HOPE THE KID'S

HAVIN' MORE LUCK THAN WE ARE.

[ALL GROANING]

EW, I GOT BOUNTY HUNTER IN MY MOUTH!

Jake: UHH, GET OFF OF ME! [SMACKING]

LET ME AT THE ROTWOOD BEAST.

I'LL GUM HIM WITHOUT MERCY.

UHH. AAH!

GOOD-BYE, EARLY RETIREMENT.

[HOWLS]

WE HEARD YELLING. YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I'M-- WHAT IN HIMMEL

IS GOING ON OUT HERE?

NOTHING! I MEAN--

UH, I GOT IT UNDER CONTROL.

I MEAN--

NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING TO GET CONTROL...UNDER.

OHH, JAKE, YOU LOOK SO TERRIBLE.

I THINK I MIGHT BE FEELING GUILTY.

[BELCHES]

UMM, NEIN, IT VAS A SCHNITZEL BURP.

OH, WELL, I'LL JUST--

[SCREAMING] HELP!

IT'S A BIG SERPENT OF PINO TING.

OH-HO-- DRAGON UP!

UGH!

AAH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

OH! IT FINALLY WORKED!

I HAVE VIDEOGRAPHIC PROOF OF A DRAGON'S EXISTENCE.

[SIGHS] HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

THIS IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE FEELING OF MY--

LENS CAP'S ON, BUDDY.

HUH? HMM?

NOOOOOOO!

Fu Dog: ALL RIGHT, THE FEW LEADS WE'VE GOT

ALL POINT BACK HERE TO...HEY.

ISN'T THAT LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE AND DAME DOWNER?

SO, WITH ALL THE ROTWOOD CRAZINESS THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU SUNK A LITTLE MORE

ON THE POPULARITY SCALE.

HOW FAR?

UH, I WOULD SAY RIGHT AROUND THE KID

WHO SHOVED THE BUG UP HIS NOSE.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

IT'S JUST ONE MORE DAY TILL VOTING, JAKEY.

MAYBE IF YOU COULD JUST, YOU KNOW,

CHILL WITH THE FREAKINESS TILL THEN.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I'M GETTING ATTACKED BY MUD, GUMMED BY OLD WERE-LADIES.

HOW AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO FREAK OUT

WHEN EVERYBODY I SEE COULD BE A MAGICAL

BOUNTY HUNTER TRYIN' TO--

WAIT.

DOES THAT EGG-SALAD SANDWICH LOOK FUNNY TO YOU?

EGG-SALAD SANDWICHES ALWAYS LOOK FUNNY TO ME.

I CALL THEM THE STAND-UP COMEDIANS OF THE DELI WORLD.

AAAH!

UHHHH!

[GASPING]

UNH! REVEAL YOUR TRUE FORM, SHAPE SHIFTER!

I KNOW YOUR EVIL, EGG-Y PLANS!

AAH! UNH!

OH, JAKEY.

YOU...CAN'T... HANDLE...WHAT...I--

GOT?

UH...

I, UH...THOUGHT IT WENT BAD.

MY BAD.

FREAK.

[VOICE WAVERING] THANK YOU.

[SIGHS]

THEY ACTUALLY THOUGHT THERE WAS A BOUNTY FOR THIS BOZO?

COULD PEOPLE BE ANY MORE IGNORANT?

THEN YOU KNOW HOW THIS HAPPEN?

WHAT VISION HAVE YOU SEEN?

I TOLD YOU THE INTERNET WOULD TAKE THE MAGIC OUT OF MAGIC.

EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED IS ALL HIS FAULT.

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN OUT TO GET ME, BUT NOW--

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[BEEP] YO, FU,

TELL ME YOU FOUND OUT WHO'S DOING THIS,

SO I CAN BE DONE WITH IT.

OH, WE FOUND OUT. [CHUCKLES]

BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE HAPPY.

I'M ALREADY NOT HAPPY. WHO IS IT?

I'M TALKING TO HIM.

WHAT, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

I NEVER--I DON'T EVEN HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS!

WELL, JAKE, THAT BLOG YOU BEEN WRITIN'--

ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT ROTWOOD--

THEY TOOK IT ALL OUTTA CONTEXT.

NOT THAT IT WASN'T PRETTY INFLAMMATORY IN CONTEXT.

I MEAN, WOOF.

OH, MAN, I--

I GOTTA--

UH, EVERYTHING'S COOL WITH ME AND ROTWOOD NOW.

NO NEED FOR ANY UGLY STUFF.

"IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING?"

UGH, NO WAY!

THE ROTWOOD BEAST MUST BE FORCING HIM TO SAY THESE LIES.

WE HAVE TO FREE THE LADDY!

[ALL AGREEING]

UH, KID?

MAYBE THE JOURNALISM BUSINESS AIN'T FOR YOU.

[DISMAYED UTTERANCE]

AND, SO, FELLOW FILLMORE MIDDLE SCHOOLIANS,

WHEN YOU VOTE TOMORROW,

REMEMBER NOT JUST THE BEST-LOOKING AND MOST ATHLETIC--

GO, BRADSTER-- BUT ALSO,

THOSE WHO GIVE US OUR DAILY HELPINGS

OF FANTASY-LOVING, GEEK FREAKINESS.

[GASPS]

JAKE LONG, EVERYBODY!

OWF WEINERSTAIN.

[CHANTING] FREAK, FREAK, FREAK!

FREAK, FREAK, FREAK!

I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.

IN PRIVATE.

SURRENDERING ALREADY.

WELL, I HAVE A CAMERA HERE,

IF YOU CARE TO ASSUME YOUR DRAGON FORM.

NO, LISTEN.

I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT WE DON'T HAVE A CHOICE ANYMORE.

YOU'RE IN HUGE DANGER.

I CAN HELP YOU HIDE UNTIL--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF LIEDERHOSEN

YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL OVER MY EYES, MR. LONG,

BUT IT WILL NOT WORK!

[THUDDING]

[THUD]

[STOMPING]

[CAR ALARM BLARES]

OOH, LOOKEY, A CIRCUS PARADE.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S A--

OH, I LOVE THE CIRCUS!

[CAR ALARM BEEPS OFF]

AS A BOY, I DREAMED OF BECOMING A FAMOUS JUGGLER,

BUT...

IT'S HIM, BOYS.

GET HIM, AND THE MILLION IS OURS!

RAAAH!

HYAH! HYAH!

AAH!

[CRASH]

AAH!

WHOO-HOO!

THIS IS A CIRCUS OF PAIN!

JUST STAY CLOSE TO ME.

UNH! UGH!

YAH! DRAGON UP!

WAAH!

OOH.

RAAAH!

HYAH! HYAH!

YAH! [BLUBBERS]

AAAH!

UNH.

AAH, OH!

RRRR!

I BREAK YOU!

YAH! UNH! [GIGGLING]

HANG ON, ROTWOOD, I'M COMING!

HA HA HA HA! HUH?

HEE HEE HEE HA!

UH! YAH! OW!

IT BURN!

[SOBBING]

UNH! HYAH!

AAH!

AAH!

NICE JUGGLING.

WELL, IT'S LIKE STUFFING A BRATWURST--

ONCE YOU LEARN, YOU NEVER FORGET.

[MOB SHOUTING]

[ALL TALKING]

OHH, DUKEDULLY-BOBBLEDY, ARE THOSE...

MAGICAL? YEAH.

BUT TRUST ME, YOU DO NOT WANT TO MEET THEM RIGHT NOW.

COME ON,

I GOTTA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

WHOO!

ACH, I'M FLYING! WHEE!

I...I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THOSE CREATURES ATTACKING ME?

AND YOU THINK MY HAIRDO "LOOKS LIKE A CAN OF UGLY EXPLODED?"

I'M SORRY.

I JUST THOUGHT MY BLOG WAS A PLACE TO VENT.

IT'S THE INTERNET, RIGHT?

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT.

GOSSIP IS GOSSIP, JAKE.

AND IT IS POISONOUS NO MATTER WHAT FORM IT TAKES.

[SIGHS]

AH...

WHO AM I TO TALK, HUH?

I DESERVE ALL OF THIS.

HAVE BEEN VERY UNFAIR VITH YOU JAKE.

OF ALL PEOPLE, I SHOULD KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE

TO BE RIDICULED FOR TRYING

TO BRING TOGETHER THE HUMAN AND MAGICAL WORLDS.

AH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, WHEE...

I SUPPOSE I CAN START A SECOND CAREER TEACHING COMBAT JUGGLING.

ACTUALLY...

I THINK I MAY HAVE A WAY TO MAKE US BOTH HAPPY.

IF YOU'RE WILLING TO TRUST ME.

WHERE...AM I?

IT'S REALLY HIM.

OH, HE'S SO HIDEOUS. WHO GETS THE REWARD?

LISTEN UP, PEOPLE.

I KNOW A LOT OF Y'ALL BEEN OUT

FOR THAT MILLION DOLLAR REWARD.

BUT YOU'RE TOO LATE!

THE ROTWOOD BEAST HAS BEEN CLAIMED

BY THE AMDRAG.

THAT'S IT, GAME OVER, THE REWARD IS MINE.

[MOANING AND GROANING]

WAIT...

WASN'T HE THE ONE WHO PUT UP THE REWARD IN THE FIRST PLACE?

EH, WHO CAN REMEMBER WHO THESE THINGS GET STARTED?

THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO FOR NOW.

THEY'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE,

BUT YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP AWAY

FROM THE MAGICAL WORLD FOR A WHILE.

UNICORNS! HA HA! AND, LOOK, A PIXIE!

AH, TROLLS! LEPRECHAUNS!

OOH! THIS IS ZE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT ANYONE HAS EVER GIVEN ME!

HO HO! I CAN'T STAND IT!

YOU ARE ALL SO FASCINATING.

GET AWAY FROM ME!

OOH! I AM A LIFE-LONG FAN!

BACK OFF! BACK OFF, YOU!

BREATH-TAKING!

STOP TOUCHING ME!

SO, THAT IS WHY I HAVE DECIDED TO STRIKE THE CATEGORY

OF BIGGEST WEIRDO FREAK FROM THIS YEAR'S MOSTS AND BESTS BALLOT.

AND IN A COMPLETELY UNRELATED MATTER,

APPARENTLY, A FEW OF MY FANTASY FICTION STORIES

GOT ALL JUMBLISH, NO GOOD, WITH MY PERMANENT RECORD FILES.

IF I HAVE ACCIDENTALLY CREATED ANY RUMORS ABOUT JAKE LONG,

I HEREBY PUT AN END TO THEM.

THAT IS ALL.

THANKS. IT WAS OUR DEAL.

BESIDES, I SHOULD BE THANKING YOU.

I HAVE SEEN THE MAGUS BAZAAR WITH MEIN OWN EYES!

OH, IT IS ENOUGH TO FEEL I HAVE

FINALLY MADE SOMETHING OF MY LIFE'S WORK!

GOOD TO HEAR IT. WELL...

LATER. TA.

OF COURSE, A LITTLE VIDEO EVIDENCE

FOR THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY WOULDN'T HURT.

COME ON, UPLOAD TO MY WEBPAGE.

SHOW ME THAT DRAGON ACTION!

BEEPS.

ZOMBIE BAND-GEEK! RAWOR!

VAS IN HIMMEL!

HEY, HOW 'BOUT THAT.

LOOK AT ME, HEY, I MADE IT

ONTO THE INTERNET AFTER ALL.

WHA??

LOOKING FOR THIS?

I MADE A LITTLE SWITCH WHILE YOU WERE BLINDFOLDED.

MY PROOF!

[GERMAN ACCENT] OOK! WHAT A MAJOR OOPSIE I HAVE COMMITTED!

BETTER LUCK NEXT BIRTHDAY.

RMMMM....

JAKE LOOOONG!

Grandpa: SO, NOW I AM BLOXING? BLOGGING.

SO NOW I AM BLOGGING?

ACTUALLY, GRAMPS,

YOU'RE NOT REALLY BLOGGING UNTIL YOU TYPE SOMETHING.

BUT WHAT DO I TYPE?

JUST...WHATEVER.

TYPE WHAT YOU FEEL.

HOW DO YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW?

HUNGRY.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

I FAIL TO SEE THE FUN IN THIS BLOGGING.

[SIGHS] NEVER MIND, G.