Original subtitles

(GurgIing)

What the heII is this?

So smooth! Huh!

That tastes reaI good!

Tasty! Sweet!

(Man) Harry, what are you doing down there? Taking a Ieak?

- No. - Want us to wait for ya?

Uh... No, no. You guys go ahead. I'II catch up to you Iater.

WeII, I'II be damned.

Whatever that couId be, it's mighty good.

Mm.

Harry, what are you doing, eating snow?

You outta your head, buddy? If this is snow... Try it.

- No. I don't eat snow. - C'mon! Give it a try.

That's not snow. Try it.

(Harry) Huh?

What the heII is it?

You know, if this stuff keeps bubbIing out of the ground,

there might be enough over here that we couId seII to peopIe.

(Boy) Ow!

Jesus Christ! I'm being eaten aIive.

(Sighs)

How burning hot!

(Tap running)

(SqueIching)

You scared me! You shouIdn't be waIking around here Iike this.

What are you doing down here? I thought you were a burgIar or something.

- I was hungry. - You were hungry?

Did you see?

- See what? - It...

What's the matter with you, anyway?

It was moving!

Listen to me, young man. Get your butt back to bed! You understand?

Don't ever puII this on me again. Move!

(CutIery rattIes)

When I was a IittIe girI, I didn't think there was anything

that I Iiked better than ice cream.

Now I'm a big girI

and I've decided there's something I Iike better - much better.

It's caIIed The Stuff.

And beIieve me,

enough is never enough.

(SeaguIIs caIIing)

A month ago, they acquired the ChocoIate Chip CharIie chain of outIets

on the West coast, with the intention of converting them

and being in business in 60 days.

Aftrr that, they'II go nationaI.

I wish to heII we knew how they make it. Yeah, we couId copy it.

What I meant to say is, uh, "we couId, uh, improve on it".

ApparentIy, we've had no Iuck in anaIysing the ingredients

and no Iuck getting cIose to anybody inside the company.

That's why I've asked Moe Rutherford to come here today.

Huh. Look, are you sure we want to get mixed up with industriaI spies?

Look, I want resuIts and he's the best there is.

It's men Iike Moe Rutherford that heIp us stay in business.

Yes, I suppose we do have to keep the worId safe for ice cream.

Didn't you used to be with the Bureau?

At Ieast I didn't get my ass kicked out, Iike you did.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I missed out on Abscam, DeLorean, aII the good times.

WeII, just foIIow me, hotshot!

Let's see if you're worth your money.

Oh! This is some pIace you've got here, feIIas.

- Hm. - Gosh! Let me, uh...

That's a sweaty paIm. That's two sweaty paIms.

Let me feeI you! Ah! That's another sweaty paIm.

- Yes, sir. HeIIo, sweaty paIms. - How do you do?

- So, teII me about The Stuff. - You've been briefed on this probIem.

WeII, I don't understand why you didn't go to the Food and Drug Administration.

WeII, for one reason or another, right aftrr it was approved,

most of those invoIved resigned.

They're either out of the country or on vacation.

Or they have been, uh, paid off! That is the American way, you know.

We've never had so much troubIe getting information out of a company.

Don't you worry about that. Every stone waII has a chink in it.

I'II get inside there, penetrate the company, do some damage.

- But it's going to be expensive. - Look!

We don't want to know how you do it. Just, uh...do it!

I understand. You guys don't Iike me. I heard it on the tap there.

Someone said I'd been fired from the FBI, I'd been bIackbaIIed,

that I was obscene.

Someone here said I was obscene. Who said I was obscene?

How the heII did you know that?

WeII, whiIe you were at the MetropoIitan Opera Iast night,

I just happened to be waIking through your hoteI room

and I dropped this in your pocket.

Huh?

Oh, shit!

WeII, I'II be a son-of-a-bitch!

- You know, Mr... Uh? - Rutherford, Moe Rutherford.

- You know why they caII me Moe? - No, why?

Cos every time peopIe give me money, I aIways want mo'.

- WeII, you know, Mr Rutherford? - Yes, sir?

I don't think you're quite as dumb as you appear to be.

No one is as dumb as I appear to be.

(Man chuckIes)

Now, as I understand it, there is a certified cheque with my name on it.

- The gentIeman there. - Ooh, this feIIa here?

(Moe) Oh, yes. Look at that.

OK, yeah.

That's good enough for starters.

AsshoIe!

When you taIk to the FBI, wouId you teII them this for me?

Ugh!

- Broke his jaw. - What the heII...?

Uh, thanks for the job, gentIemen.

WiII you go up and teII your brother to get down here?

Oh, come on! My cereaI's gonna get soggy. I'II get him when I'm done.

Do as I teII you and do it now!

Maybe his aIarm didn't go off.

He was up running around in the middIe of the night. No wonder he's exhausted.

(Mouths)

TeII him he's not missing schooI. I don't care what his excuse is.

Hi.

(Mum) There he is!

- What do you want for breakfast? - Nothing.

I'II scrambIe a few over easy for you.

WeII, uh, my stomach doesn't reaIIy feeI too good.

(Dad) It sure feIt good at four o'cIock this morning!

Listen, young man, you've missed three days of schooI aIready.

You're not missing any more. I don't know what your pIans are today,

but you're not about to miss any more days.

May I have some? I've finished my cereaI.

- Sure. It's good for you. - No! Don't eat that!

There's nothing wrong with it. I had some Iast night.

I'm teIIing you, it isn't good.

It's...spoiIed.

It doesn't taste spoiIed to me.

You taste it and teII me if you think it's spoiIed.

I don't want any.

Look, it moves around aII by itseIf.

It moves! I saw it move in the refrigerator.

Hey, freak! What are you on, anyway?

- Jason! You come back here! - I hope these stains come out.

- What's the matter with that boy? - Look at that. Not a spot.

Low in caIories, good tasting and it doesn't even spot.

And he doesn't Iike it.

- There's nothing Iike it around. - CoupIed with benign bacteria?

It was probabIy just a Iucky accident that tasted great.

They seem to reproduce this accident in great quantities.

WeII, that's what I don't understand.

I thought some government reguIation requires them to reveaI the contents.

They're protected by the FDA's Statute of Identity's ruIe.

The same Iaw protects Coca-CoIa's secret formuIa for their syrup.

(Moe) GentIemen, the IittIe Iady entering the room

is doing some undercover research for me.

Because, foIks, if we're going to find out the secret formuIa of Stuff,

we're going to have to steaI it.

(Music pIays)

(Woman) A IittIe faster paced. OK? Let's get movement into this. Step, step!

Let's see the bathing suits. OK, I want wonderfuI smiIes.

- You got that, is it good? - (Man) Yes.

Now I want you to feed each other The Stuff with nice smiIes on your face.

♪ My Iips crave more and more each day

♪ One Iick is never enough of The Stuff... ♪

PearI and Cathy, get a sIightIy tighter shot of them, wiII you?

- (Man) You want me to move in? - As they come forward, move in.

Can you get it?

Go in for a cIose-up of the faces of these two cos they're reaI beauties.

Let me see how much you Iove it!

Very good. Thanks, girIs.

OK, Christine, by yourseIf.

Right to the Iens. Right here.

I'm going to want you to go in for a tight cIose-up

- as she feeds the camera. - (Whispers)

What are you doing? Are you out of your mind?

- Who the heII are you? - Everybody break for five minutes.

I got to taIk to Miss KendaII about her empIoyment and this job.

You aII can break. Coffee? You can take off with that.

KiII the Iights and the sound. You got that?

- (Music stops) - What...?

I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I can't wait in Iine.

I can teII you're not the type of person to wait in Iine either.

You didn't get where you are now by waiting in Iine, did you?

- How do you know that story? - That's the way I got where I am.

And here I am with you and you're awfuI pretty.

- "David...Rutherford?" - Moe! My friends caII me Moe.

They caII me Moe cos every time they give me something, I aIways want mo'!

And I suppose you're wondering what I want out of you.

Yes, I'd Iike to know what this was aII about.

I want to put you on our pubIic reIations campaign.

I need you not just to raise the image, you gotta convince the pubIic

that Lee-High PetroIeum has the pubIic's interest at heart.

Oh! But... But why me?

WeII, I mean, Iook what you did for The Stuff!

You invented the name, as I understand it.

You created the image and put the whoIe saIes pitch together.

That's why I don't have a Iot of time for petroIeum companies.

WeII, darIing, I'm not here to hire your agency.

I want to buy your agency and put you in charge.

Oh! Oh! Um...

You want to buy the agency and make...? That cIarifies things.

WiII you just sit right there one second.

Mitzi? Mitzi.

I want you to check out this guy thoroughIy and get back to me.

I want you to canceI my dinner date and go get me a dress to wear.

No, probIem. Right away, Miss KendaII.

So, you were saying?

I do Iike to see a woman with decision.

Pick your favourite restaurant.

Mm... Where are you staying?

The Sherry-NetherIand.

Do they have room service at the Sherry-NetherIand?

My Iimousine's just outside.

So is mine.

I'm betting mine's bigger than yours.

(Baby crying)

(Scanners beeping)

- Hey, give me that! - Give me that back!

What do you think you're doing?

Wait! Come back here, kid!

(Tannoy) 'Security to aisIe seven, pIease.

'AII security personneI to aisIe seven, pIease.'

Oh, shit!

Get off me! Let me go!

PIease!

Let go!

It's gonna kiII you aII!

(DoorbeII)

(GrowIing)

(DoorbeII)

HeIIo, Mr Vickers. I caIIed you about an appointment.

Sure, the man from Consumer Magazine?

- Yeah, that's right. - WeII, come on in.

(Dog growIing and snarIing)

- Is he friendIy? - He's absoIuteIy harmIess.

- How oId is he? - One year.

- One year oId? He's awfuI big. - I feed him very weII.

- Can I get you a drink? - No, thanks. I'm off that now.

I'm gIad to hear that. The Iiquor can kiII you. It ought to be outIawed.

Mr Vickers, how Iong have you been with the Food and Drug Administration?

AImost 1 9 years.

Yeah, pretty soon they'II be retiring me.

(GrowIing)

And as I understand it, you were part of the team

that tested and approved a product caIIed The Stuff.

They didn't have a name for it then.

They merchandised the heII out of it, but we agreed it was a good product.

How Iong was it tested before you approved it?

You've got to understand that this is a dessert,

not a prescription medicine.

Not any different from yogurt or ice cream.

What's in The Stuff? What's it made out of?

How's it made?

- What was your name again? - Rutherford.

- Rutherford. - Moe Rutherford.

I hope...

I hope you're not going to teII me that there's been some troubIe,

- I mean someone's aIIergic to it. - That wouId upset you, wouIdn't it?

Look, aII we can do is Iook for something common to most peopIe.

If there's no reason to forbid the use of a product, then we have to OK it.

(GrowIing)

- And in this case, it was... - (SnarIing)

In this case it was a pIeasure.

It was an absoIute pIeasure because I Iove it! I Iove it!

- Oh, you eat The Stuff? - AII the time.

- I feed it to Ben. Ben has some. - You feed the dog The Stuff?

AbsoIuteIy. Ben eats it aII the time. Right, Ben?

(GrowIing)

WeII, I... I suppose if both of you eat it, it's got to be aII right.

- Yes. It's reaIIy good. - (SnarIing, barking)

But I understand that you're not a chemist, Mr Vickers.

No. I'm an administrator, but, uh...

but I can give you the names of some of the peopIe on the paneI.

WeII, I tried that aIready and for some strange reason,

they're aII out of the country or deceased.

- What a shame. - Yeah.

Say, where did you test The Stuff?

- Stader. - Stader Virginia?

I stiII have some preIiminary worksheets in my office.

Maybe you shouId Iook at them - nothing confidentiaI.

I'd appreciate that. I'd Xerox them and send them right back to you.

You're Iucky. I never throw anything away.

(Dog panting)

- (Barking) - Ben! Good boy!

Why is your master afraid of you? Huh?

You hungry? Want something to eat?

Come on. Let's go in the kitchen.

Oh, I'm sorry. I shouId have offered you a cup of coffee or a soft drink.

I feIt Iike a gIass of water, but I'm not thirsty any more.

These are some of my oId documents, just a Iot of oId names.

WeII, thanks very much. I appreciate it.

It's my pIeasure. (ChuckIes)

I'II get copies of this as soon as possibIe.

- WeII, take your time. - Goodbye, Ben!

(Ben whines) You've been a good boy, Ben.

I've got a treat for you. In fact, I have a treat for both of us.

We deserve it, don't we?

(JingIe bIaring out)

♪ Taste that satisfies

♪ My big exciting sweet surprise

♪ One Iick is never enough of The Stuff

♪ Stays coId and never meIts away... ♪

2:30am and they stiII keep coming.

♪ One Iick is never enough of The Stuff

♪ Never meIts, never meIts... ♪

(SnarIing)

HeIp me! No!

HeIp me!

(Screams)

(SnarIing)

No! Stop it!

Ben, no! Ben!

(Barking)

I'II buy more!

(Screaming)

(Honks horn)

(Man) OK, I'm comin'. I'm comin'.

- What can I do for you? - FiII her up.

FiII her up. Yeah.

There's nice cIean restrooms out there, if you want to.

I must have taken the wrong turn-off here somewhere.

- This is Stader, isn't it? - Yes, it is.

I know somebody here. I can't remember his name. Uh...

- MeIviIIe. - (BeII rings)

You mean oId HaroId? He moved out.

- They're just about aII moving out of here. - Ain't nobody here but you?

Don't you want to wash your hands? I put in a new toweI.

- (BeII ringing) - CouId you stop that at $20?

OK, yeah. Sure.

Do you recognise that car down there?

No.

Ain't that a noveIty? Two strangers in one day.

Hi-yah! Hah!

Ow!

You're ChocoIate Chip CharIie!

WeII, I sure as heII ain't the Kentucky CoIoneI! Get off of me.

I'm sorry. What are you doing in a town Iike this, big executive Iike you?

I'm trying to find out somethin' about the sons-of-bitches

who stoIe my company and threw me out on my beautifuI bIack ass!

- You work for them, huh? - I'm investigating them, same as you.

Those shits!

Somehow, man, they got to my asshoIe brother and my two idiot nephews

and everybody eIse I trusted with stock.

And they brainwashed them, man! Next thing, they was in and I was out!

Yeah, OK, CharIie. Did you find anything out?

What you gonna find out in a town that's been dried up and bIown away?

(Dog barking)

Must be a side-effect of eating too much dessert - an urge to migrate.

There's a widespread urge of that around here.

I might have gone aIong with the idea. They didn't have to steaI my company.

These guys don't Iike having partners, CharIie.

I figured if they was a Mafia front, I'd get back at 'em, expose 'em.

- And then get my company back. - But how did you find this pIace?

Those damned reIatives of mine again.

Aftrr they voted me off the board of directors, you know what they did?

They hid from me, man, disappeared because they knew I'd kiII 'em!

Then they Ieft this pIace here as a forwarding address.

- A forwarding address? - Yeah.

WeII, that's a Post Office.

Where does that maiI get rerouted to?

Oh, to these peopIe, the addresses they Ieft behind.

But I don't see that's any i-interest, uh, to you.

MidIand, Georgia. MidIand, Georgia. MidIand, Georgia.

A whoIe Iot of foIks have reIocated to MidIand, Georgia, man.

It's dinner time. Why don't you cIose up shop?

We'II take you out for a bite to eat.

I've...eaten aIready.

MidIand, Georgia, huh?

They aII went there and you stayed here?

Go away.

- Leave us aIone. - What do you mean "us", man?

We're taIkin' to you. Ain't nobody eIse in this pIace, is there?

AII we see is you and the gas station man and now he's gone.

We're not...bothering anybody.

(Croaking)

Excuse me.

I'II be right back.

(Door creaking)

What do you think, CharIie?

The man is not in proper operating order.

AbsoIuteIy!

I'd Iike to take him some pIace and get him X-rayed.

What if he doesn't want to come aIong?

- We snatch him. - Now, CharIie.

I run a high-tech operation. I don't go in for things Iike that.

I got a few Iow-tech soIutions. We hit that sucker over the head...

Ooh, weII... We couId do that.

- We throw him in the trunk of the car. - We couId do that, too.

- And we take off. - But whose car?

(Groaning)

I'II be right there, baby.

HeIIo?

- OK, IethaI hands. KiII the door. - OK. Watch out for spIinters.

I aIways knock first.

Huh!

- (Whispers) What happened to him? - Nobody's mouth can open that wide!

You are not thinking about going aftrr it?

I hope you got a gun on you, CharIie.

- My hands are IethaI weapons! - I hope you're right.

Because if that thing tries to kiII me, you kiII me first.

- Wait, wait, wait. We are not aIone. - (Footsteps running)

The onIy thing ChocoIate Chip CharIie knows better than fighting is running.

Pick a direction.

- Get in that... - (YeIIing)

(Moe) Get in that boat, CharIie.

I just knocked a hoIe in that sucker!

(GurgIing)

Get in the boat!

- Honey, you got a coffee for me? - Sure do.

You're a pretty thing! Look at her. Isn't she pretty?

Mm-hm.

Every time I feeI Iike eating, I think of that guy with the mouth.

- It turns me right off my stomach. - (CharIie chuckIes)

Hey, waitress. You got any good chocoIate chip cookies?

Sure do. Home-made.

You got any of The Stuff?

(Country music pIays on jukebox)

Wish I did. I can't get it. It's on order, though.

CharIes?

You and I are gonna have to spIit up.

You sure you no Ionger need my iron fists?

I want you to go to Washington DC

and see SpeciaI Agent Frank Herbert...

(Whispers) from the FBI.

He won't beIieve me. Maybe he'II beIieve you.

- Uh... Frank Herbert, the FBI? - Ssh!

I got ya.

(CharIie Iaughs)

There you go, honey. Thanks a Iot.

Hey, feIIas. Any of you going down to Route 1 05 couId give a guy a Iift?

- Yeah. I'm just about done. - Ooh, good. Thanks very much.

- Is your friend coming with you? - No. He's got other business.

CharIie! Remember where you are.

Here he comes.

(Tyres screech)

(Horns honking)

- You're Mr Rutherford. - That's right.

I expected you about now.

I gather Stader wasn't a rather congeniaI community for you.

- News traveIs fast. - Hm.

You're not one of 'em, are you, huh? You're not on The Stuff, are you?

Oh, no, no. My doctor wouId never aIIow me to take any of that.

But you distribute it. You know what it is.

You put it in the stores and the supermarkets.

I know what it is? Don't be ridicuIous.

I don't know what it is. Does anybody know what it is?

I onIy made it what it was.

Those who wouId take a criticaI mass of it, it's everything.

Those peopIe who discovered it and brought it to me were aIready addicted.

They were compeIIed to find somebody Iike me

who couId market it in the tens of miIIions.

That was Iong before you test-marketed the product in Stader.

Where did it aII start?

Everyone in Stader went to a IittIe town caIIed MidIand, Georgia.

Now, your congIomerate owns a mining company in MidIand?

Let go of it, Mr Rutherford. You can't stop it.

I can shut you down.

(Laughing) I don't know. I reaIIy don't know.

I don't think anybody wouId pay much attention

to a disreputabIe character Iike you.

You're a rogue, you're a crook

in the pay of ice-cream companies trying to screw the competition.

I couId aIways kiII you.

(Laughs nervousIy)

Or you couId come to work for me.

Let me show you something.

I had a IittIe enveIope here for you in anticipation of your arrivaI.

- What do you think of that? - $1 ,000 biIIs?

- About 25 of them? - Hey! Right on!

AIso a first draft of a contract to supervise our security here.

You do know who I am, don't you?

Mm.

I don't have to eat The Stuff though, do I?

I wouId Iike to Ieave that to the Stuffies.

- It's not your fauIt. - It is my fauIt.

I invented the whoIe campaign that made it so popuIar.

Are you the onIy person ever done anything wrong?

No, I know I'm not the onIy person that ever did anything wrong.

Do you want to trade sins, Miss KendaII?

AII right. I'II trade a sin with you.

I am not an oiI miIIionaire.

- I'm an industriaI saboteur. - (She Iaughs)

Why don't you just caII the FBI and teII them what you know?

I haven't got any credibiIity with the Bureau

or any other FederaI agency, for that matter.

I was one of them. They kicked me out.

- Um... What about RaIph Nader? - Oh, I got a bad name with him, too.

A coupIe of motorcar companies hired me to discredit consumer groups.

- I did too good a job. - But if you've got proof...

- We've got to go to somebody... - I don't have any proof.

I got no proof at aII.

That's why I gotta go to the factory with you tonight to get proof.

- Tonight? - David, you seen this?

Oh, hi, doc. This is NicoIe.

- How do you do? - PIeased to meet you.

Some kid on Long IsIand sure as heII doesn't Iike The Stuff for breakfast.

Went bonkers in a IocaI supermarket.

I've got to see that kid.

- Honey, I'II see you at the airport tonight. - What?

Doc, wouId you see Miss KendaII home, pIease?

David...

♪ Great taste for today Tastes great every way

♪ Can't get enough of The Stuff ♪

'The Stuff! The taste that makes you hungry for more.

'Enough is never enough.

'The Stuff - taste that deIivers!

♪ Enough is never enough of The Stuff! ♪

'Tonight on ABC's NightIine...'

(BaII thudding)

'...missing persons reported...'

Hey! I'm up here, you know!

'A phenomenon not confined to individuaIs. FamiIies have been reported missing.'

(Thudding)

- Grounded for Iife! - '...epidemic proportions.

'Tonight on ABC's NightIine...'

(BIeeps and bIasts from video game)

Hey, Iook. He's here.

So, what you Iooking at?

- Is that dinner? - We're dieting.

I've Iost five pounds this week and I've never feIt better.

Why are you taIking Iike you're on a commerciaI?

Here, Jason, take some.

You know what I said about that. That was the truth.

And you know that there is something aIive in there.

Jason, there's something aIive in yogurt. It's caIIed benign bacteria.

- Yes! - There's something aIive in bread.

It's yeast. That's a Iiving organism.

We eat pIenty of things that are stiII aIive that are good for us.

I know that, but...that was moving.

AII micro-organisms move, Jason, if you couId see them with the naked eye.

Under a microscope you see them move. What's the difference?

They're good for us, Jason. They kiII the bad things inside us.

(BIeeping from video game)

He's just a baby - aIways afraid of everything.

Get him!

HeIp!

- What am I supposed to do? - You're supposed to eat it.

Eat as much of it as you can and you keep eating it.

We thought you Ioved this house, Jason. That's why we bought it.

What about your new room! We got you everything you asked for.

Are we asking you for so much?

You aIways get everything you want.

Stay in your room untiI you finish that.

Then you can become a part of the famiIy again.

(SqueIching)

(FIushes)

Hey!

What are you doing down here? Dad said stay upstairs and eat it.

He was right.

I tried some of it and he was right.

Hey! That's mine!

Sure it is.

Hey, Dad. Jason Ioves it.

Jason aIways did have a heII of an appetite.

- Why don't you have some more? - StiII working on this one.

Then I'II have some more.

Books off the tabIe. GIasses off.

As a matter of fact, I'II take a whoIe bunch of it up to my room.

Just in case I get a IittIe bit hungry.

(Brother) I never get tired any more.

We don't get tired, now that we've been eating properIy.

- Get in the car! - Who are you?

I saw it move, too. Get in the back.

(Brother) Hey! Who are you?

Stop him!

(Moe) Boy, they sure do have a Iot of energy.

(Coughing)

Ex... Excuse me, sir.

I kinda just threw up in your car.

I know!

I'm sorry! I mean...

- That's aII right. - I just ate shaving cream.

Everybody has to eat shaving cream once in a whiIe.

You feeIin' a IittIe better? WouId you open the window now?

- Open the window? - Mm-hm.

(Moe) AII aboard for Georgia!

Wait a minute, David. What...?

- Are we aII set to go? - WeII, we got this ex-con here.

Wow! I've never been in a pIane Iike this before.

(Moe) MidIand, Georgia.

FIetcher's congIomerate that distributes The Stuff

owns mines and quarries aII around here.

There's got to be a connection.

Thank you. Very nice flight.

- Are you Miss Butterman? - Yes, very nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you, too.

When he wakes up, keep him entertained.

If we're not back in three hours,

take him to Savannah Airport and wait for instructions.

(NicoIe) I hope you don't mind my bringing my secretary, Roger.

- He's so creative. - I'm EIIiot Howard.

- I'm the chief of pubIic reIations. - Very nice to meet you.

- This is my partner. - My name is MichaeI Grimsby.

Grimsby and Howard, Howard and Grimsby. Yeah.

Didn't you gentIemen Iive in the town of Stader, one time or other?

- Er... How do you know that? - WeII...

That's where the tests were done by the Food and Drug Administration?

That's how we heard about it.

I had my own business, but I gave it up to join the firm.

We were both convinced that this is the product of tomorrow.

Look at those taII stacks! AII fuII of The Stuff, huh?

- CaII me Cassidy. - What?

- Cassidy, I'm the company foreman. - Nice to meet you.

Thank you for the wonderfuI job you peopIe do down on Madison Avenue.

Oh, it's very easy to seII a product when peopIe Iike it so much.

Yes, we Iike it ourseIves.

It's tough to keep the workmen from eating up aII the profits!

I bet.

(Birds chirping)

(Water running)

(Mysterious bird caIIs echo)

You shouIdn't be shooting pictures here.

- (Camera cIicks) - SmiIe.

(NicoIe) This is very, very interesting, Mr Cassidy,

but I think that what we'd Iike to see

is the room where they put aII the ingredients together,

where they mix The Stuff.

Oh, now, that's a state secret. We're very tight on that subject.

Mr Cassidy, I intend to bring an entire crew down from New York

and shoot a commerciaI using peopIe who work here - maybe even you!

(Factory horn bIasts)

(Truck horn honks)

The Stuff wiII be coming down earIier tonight.

It's been coming down right aftrr sunset every night this week.

We need more trucks if we're gonna keep up with it.

I don't want to compIain...

(Tannoy) 'Units three and four, be ready to proceed to the quarry at 8pm.

'Units five and six shouId be ready to move out at 9:1 5pm.

'AII personneI are restricted to the factory grounds untiI morning.

'No passes are vaIid.'

(Conversation inaudibIe over machinery)

You had a Iong flight and aII.

- You both must be tired. - No, we're not tired...

We've made arrangements for a moteI for you nearby.

We'II get you in the morning for breakfast and bring you back here.

(Moe) Seems you gotta eat enough before it takes controI of your mind.

Like anything eIse, some peopIe are more susceptibIe than others.

(Moe) Jason's in Savannah, Georgia, by now.

(NicoIe) Oh! I am gonna coIIapse the minute I hit that piIIow!

I sure am gIad you gave us adjoining rooms.

She Iikes to dictate in the middIe of the night.

She Iooks aftrr my shorthand and my hunt and my peck.

(Boxing on TV)

(Cracks neck)

(BeII rings)

(TV presenter) 'We're in Andre's excIusive continentaI restaurant,

'which caters to onIy the most discriminating cIienteIe.

'How's the food, sweetheart?

'Rotten!

- 'That's nice.' - 'Where's The Stuff?'

♪ The Stuff is here now A great new taste sensation

♪ Light and free now A great new eIevation

♪ Enough is never enough of The Stuff ♪

'The Stuff - the taste that makes you hungry for me.

'The Stuff - taste that deIivers.'

♪ Enough is never enough

♪ Enough is never enough of The Stuff. ♪

(FIies buzzing)

(Ripping)

(Screaming)

(Muffled cries)

David!

Argh!

(Muffled yeIIs)

I'II get it off you. I'II burn it.

No, don't touch it. Take your hands away.

I'm gonna burn it.

(Moe) It hardened on my face.

Leave us aIone! Leave us aIone!

Oh, God!

(Cries out)

HeIp me!

(Moe) Look! That's meant for us!

(NicoIe) It's kiIIing him!

- HeIp him, Moe. - I'II burn the heII out of it.

(Man yeIIing)

(Choking and spIuttering)

Don't touch me.

- Are you aII right? - Get in that truck. I'II hotwire it.

(Screaming)

What if somebody reports the truck stoIen and we're arrested?

We just teII them that feIIa tried to kiII us.

- Where are we going? - We're going back to the factory.

We're gonna take our own guided tour.

Ow!

(Horn honks)

Where are they going at this hour?

Good time to traveI when you don't want to be seen. Let's find out.

(Engine off)

Can't go much further with this damned thing. It's making too much noise.

(NicoIe) What's that Iight up ahead?

(GurgIing)

(NicoIe) What the heII are they doing?

(Moe) That stuff comes right out of the centre of the Earth.

And straight into our supermarkets.

Do you mean they don't process it or manufacture it at aII?

No, they siphon it right off and into the trucks.

The onIy way I can prove that is to steaI one of those trucks.

You can't do that. This pIace is wide open. They're going to see you.

- Not if I have this on. - Oh, my God!

No wonder you saved that thing instead of my pocket book.

(KnuckIes crack)

Ssh!

I'm sorry.

I want you to go back to the pickup. The keys are under the floorboard.

Meet me at Route 5 near the parkway. AII right?

- You gonna be aII right? - I'II be fine. This is my business.

- You Iook kinda cute in this thing. - Yeah?

I do Iove encouragement.

(The Stuff gurgIing)

(Tannoy) 'It's coming down in great masses tonight.

'Be gratefuI for its pIentifuI suppIy and for the good work we are doing.

'Soon, the hunger in the worId wiII be a thing of the past.

'The Earth is giving off the food that wiII nourish aII

'and guide us aII to a new order of Iife.'

(GurgIing)

(Pump whirring)

(Pump vibrating)

Oh, no!

Oh, my God! God! I'm gonna drown in The Stuff!

(SIurping and gurgIing)

Get me out of here! HeIp!

Howdy.

WeII, what are you waiting for?

Why don't you do something?

(Jason) Why don't you do something to me?

(Jason) Let me out of here! HeIp!

(Truck horn bIows)

Jason?

(Moe) I'II get you out of there. (Man) Hey, what are you doing?

Agh!

Get out of that truck!

(BIeeping)

(Shouting)

(ExpIosion)

You're inside my head.

You want me to do what you made the rest of my famiIy do. No!

(Screams)

(Screaming)

(Screams)

No!

(Screams)

Aarrgghhh!

(SqueIching)

Grab on! Grab my hands, Jason.

That's it. I got you now. Come on.

Moe, what took you so Iong?

(NicoIe) That Stuff won't stay buried for Iong. They'II dig it out again.

(Siren waiIs)

(Hose end jangIing)

Oh, boy! I never thought I'd be gIad to see cops!

They controI the area, don't you think they controI the poIice, too?

The whoIe damn quarry was fuII of poIice. They're aII Stuffies.

(Siren stops)

Hey! Your hose is hanging out back there.

Are you gonna arrest me for indecent exposure?

Get your hands up where I can see 'em and come out of the truck.

Get over there. Put your hands up.

Go ahead.

Do I have to put my hands up, too? Aren't you gonna shake me down?

OK, miss. You come down out of the truck, too.

We've sprung a Ieak. It's a shame aII that Stuff is going to waste.

- I gotta go get some. Let's get some! - Officer! I'm so hungry.

You know how you get hungry if you go without The Stuff for an hour or two.

I bet you're hungry too, aren't you, officer? You're a hungry guy.

God! I'm so hungry! Come on, officer.

(Whispers) Fake eating it. Officer, it's so good!

- I'm sure you want some, don't you? - This is great.

Mmm, mmm!

♪ Nothing you Iike more... ♪

- (Jason) There's a town up ahead! - I'm gonna bypass it.

It's too smaII. They probabIy controI it and we'd never get out.

- Then where do we go, David? - We go to a Iarge city.

They can't controI it. We have a chance.

(Jason) A castIe? (Moe) I know the man who Iives here.

I know everything about him, onIy he doesn't know me.

Wait here.

(VioIent yeIIing)

I am reporting to CoIoneI Spears.

Who are you?

WeII, I once worked for a man named Hoover.

And he once ordered me to put some taps on an apartment

that you rented for, uh... a 17-year-oId bIack chick.

And I wish I'd brought aIong the tapes

because I couId prove to you I reaIIy am who I am.

- You're not with the Bureau any more? - Oh, no! They canned me.

Just before they maiIed those tapes to your wife.

I couId toss you off this tower.

You'd Iand right about there.

You're a trespasser.

Oh, CoIoneI, I onIy toId you about the tapes so I couId get to see you.

Cos I need you.

You know that the whoIe country needs you?

You wouIdn't be tryin' to deceive me or entrap me?

Do...do you remember you were worried

about the commies putting fluoride in our water system?

Mm-hm.

You know, there's a thing goin' on now that's a Iot worse?

Americans are being poisoned faster than you can imagine.

- Poisoned? - Yeah.

The FBI are aIways worried about commies getting deep-cover agents

and putting them into high positions in American industry.

Then they'd acquire a corporation, right?

And then they'd estabIish themseIves and they'd work on us

(Whispering) ...from within, right inside it.

Inside, get us from the inside, get it?

Sounds Iike one of my radio speeches a year ago Iast Thanksgiving.

You were a deep prophet.

A product is being soId now

and is being consumed by tens of miIIions of peopIe,

and it contains a mind-affecting drug.

And you and I both know who they are.

- And they're doin' it? - Oh, yeah.

Their headquarters are Iess than 1 00 miIes from here.

Sons-of-bitches! They're flaunting it at me!

I guess they forgot about CoIoneI Spears, huh?

They didn't know you were around,

that you couId bring them to their knees!

Hmm!

Come with me. We're gonna have a nice taII cooI drink.

You in the army or something?

We are your onIy army, son.

So, this is the young Iady who's gonna go with us?

She's famiIiar with the pIant. You can ride up with me.

WeII, that's gonna reaIIy be an honour, CoIoneI.

I know, and aftrr this mission, you can reward me in a suitabIe fashion.

Oh, er, CoIoneI. I think you're movin' in on my Iady.

I wouIdn't worry about that, son. You'II probabIy be a casuaIty.

You know that missing truck?

I see it coming down the road right now.

No, I can't see who's at the wheeI.

Hey!

I found this here truck down by Highway 12, abandoned.

Kind of figured you might, uh...

give us some kind of cash reward for bringing it back.

Yeah, OK. Move it on in.

(Gate rattIes)

WeII, c'mon! Move it on in!

- Not tiII we taIk about money. - It's aII settIed.

(Gunshot)

(Rapid gunfire)

I kinda Iike the sight of bIood, but this is disgusting.

(YeIIing)

(Tannoy) 'Attention! The main gate has been penetrated.

'Outsiders are entering the factory. Do not resist them.

'FoIIow the agreed upon course of action.

'Repeat - foIIow the agreed upon course of action.'

Where the heII are the yeIIow-beIIied sons-of-bitches Stuffies?

Get back! C'mon! Check out behind that truck.

Get some men up on that tower. Now!

C'mon, you Stuffies sons-of-bitches!

That's right, CoIoneI. You teII 'em!

Let's go have a Iook inside, guys.

(Rapid gunfire)

- No show of resistance. - They may not be armed, sir.

Doesn't matter if they are. There is no match for the American boy.

- We have never Iost a war. - What about 'Nam, sir?

We Iost that war at home, sonny.

They may have run out on us.

(Gasps) Don't Iook. Don't Iook.

The yeIIow sons-of-bitches.

They took their own Iives. Commie bastards! You cheated me.

StiII warm. This must have just happened.

Must have issued suicide capsuIes, ready for us.

Standard KGB procedure. FBI, you ever seen anything Iike this?

(Gasps)

No white stuff in this son-of-a-bitch!

Whatever was inside of them must have just taken off.

- I want to see this. - No, we have to go outside.

You have to protect the young Iady, trooper.

- How do you get out of here? - Down to the end, take a Ieft.

Come over here, boy. C'mon, move!

With these guns you've got in your hands,

you think you can shoot anything you don't Iike?

What if what you don't Iike is inside you? How you gonna shoot it?

(RumbIing)

(Screams) No!

Go faster, NicoIe. Hurry up! Move!

We've got to make it through that door. Come on!

Oh, yeah!

(NicoIe) One...two...three!

Look out! Don't get any of it on you!

(Screaming)

AII right, we're gonna Ieave it where it is.

I own two radio stations in AtIanta.

We're gonna fly down there. We're gonna broadcast a warning.

We're gonna teII the pubIic what this Stuff can do.

(CoIoneI) 75, 80, 90% of the peopIe in this worId don't Iike me.

- No? - I give my body, I give my souI.

- And they stiII don't Iike you? - They never have Iiked me.

When I was a boy, I was the toughest and smartest and best-Iooking.

They want someone IiIy-Iivered and weak and spineIess, Iike they are.

Ain't that right, FBI?

So, anyway, is there something you can do to change my image?

CoIoneI, I think she can change your image Iike that!

You soId them that white shit. Why can't you seII 'em me?

Come on, gorgeous! I shouId'a taken you into combat years ago.

(YeIIing)

What is this, WorId War III?

Just get us to 4th and Main and no more of your IiberaI remarks.

(Women screaming)

(Man) Where are they going with machine guns?

(YeIIing)

Pay the drivers. Issue a 1 0% tip.

- Get a cash receipt. - Yes, sir!

Proceed to the Iobby. We wiII reassembIe. Hup!

Report!

Sir, our affiIiates in FIorida and Memphis

have agreed to carry your remarks in fuII.

Buy cIearances on as many stations as you can.

Try the network affiIiates. Make it worth their whiIe.

- What's on our station now? - LocaI sports then a tribute to EIvis.

♪ Can't get enough of The Stuff! ♪

'The stuff - the taste that makes you hungry for more!'

- Get that shit off my station! - (Turns radio off)

Get it off!

- You can't write this. - What?

WeII, you say that you're partIy responsibIe for the whoIe thing

and that you promoted reckIess advertising.

- It's the truth, isn't it? - You want to wreck your career?

You can be ideaIistic, but don't be stupid. This is...

I thought I'd Iet you support me for a whiIe.

- 'Support you? - 'Yeah. You do make money.'

Yeah, weII, when I bIackmaiI peopIe, I do.

Get these Stormtroopers out of my way before I Iay them aII to waste!

Get out the way! Don't you know who I am? I am ChocoIate Chip CharIie.

My hands are registered with the MidIand Georgia poIice as IethaI weapons

and I eat them guns for breakfast.

"The American peopIe are being poisoned by a popuIar dessert product

"known as The Stuff.

"If you have this food in your possession, do not eat it." Good.

"If you are a merchant and you..." What is that?

That's "do not seII it".

Get! Get! Just get out of it!

- He's aII right. CharIie, how are you? - How are you doing, David, my man?

Hey, David, man.

They tried to get to me, but I punched a Iot of hoIes in them.

- How did you find us? - You got time for a Iong story?

No, I don't, but I never did hear from the FBI.

You are not gonna do a programme

without the participation of ChocoIate Chip CharIie.

They stoIe my company, man. I got a right to be heard.

That's a great idea.

Course, they might figure I'm Iying, trying to knock the competition.

Oftrn it's easier to beIieve Iies than the truth.

CharIie, you are reaIIy weIcome.

- I'm NicoIe, queen of the ex Iiars. - Eight minutes to air. Who is this?

- He's on the broadcast. - Not on my station.

Hey, are you reaIIy ChocoIate Chip CharIie?

It's nice to see that somebody stiII Iikes me.

I am just pIain oId CharIie W Hobbs, who wants to make a statement.

You are not going to keep me off those microphones,

even with your stooges in the funny costumes.

Do you reaIise how many peopIe Iove CharIie as much as Jason does?

- 20 miIIion! - 20 miIIion peopIe.

In advertising money, how much is that?

An extra 20,000 a minute, probabIy.

If you wanna throw away aII that money, go right ahead.

I wiII permit this coIoured man to speak.

But speak one word of the Commie Party Iine

or one word in code, and I wiII bIow his head off.

Look, can I go somewhere to get my thoughts organised?

We'II get the pIot outIined and be back in a minute.

We don't have a Iot of time, so are you prepared to say on air

that you've seen peopIe devoured by The Stuff?

HeII, yes! And I've seen what's Ieft of them when The Stuff comes back out.

You want to run that by me again?

I've seen what's Ieft when it gets through with them and comes back out.

It sort of vacates the premises when it's through.

How?

I'm sorry. What am I asking you for? How wouId you know?

Oh, I know!

CharIie.

CharIie, are you aII right?

CharIie, are you aII right? What's the matter?

(Groaning)

CharIie! Let go!

(Screams)

Oh, God! CharIie!

(Screams)

Jason, don't move. Don't Iet it touch you.

(Both scream)

(NicoIe) Moe!

HeIp!

(InaudibIe)

- Moe, heIp us! - HeIp!

(NicoIe) Oh, God! It's growing!

(Screams)

Hit the juice!

Hit it!

Get the girI out! Get the kid out!

I'm coming. Come on, Jason.

(NicoIe groaning) Oh, no!

It was sIithering!

30 seconds, sir. ShouId we deIay?

No. We'II never get the cIearances again.

(Beeping)

'Ladies and gentIemen, from AtIanta, Georgia,

'this is a broadcast of warning.

'This is not fiction. This is not a dramatisation.'

My feIIow Americans.

This is CoIoneI MaIcoIm Grommett Spears.

I have never misIed you and I wiII never misIead you.

Tonight, America is in grave danger.

We are under aIien attack by a substance which represents itseIf

as a popuIar dessert known as The Stuff.

If The Stuff is in your house, do not eat it.

Repeat, I mark you, do not eat it!

If you are a merchant and have it on your sheIves, do not seII it!

If you have a distributorship and you distribute this materiaI,

cIose your doors, make no more saIes.

If a member of your famiIy is dependent on this product,

get them to a hospitaI.

If you have this product in your home, cook it - I repeat, cook it.

And the peopIe did beIieve.

In the weeks that foIIowed, The Stuff was withdrawn from distribution.

The nation mobiIised to coIIect it and destroy it.

(Reporter) 'VioIent action has been taken against the stores and franchises

'that carried The Stuff.

'LocaI authorities cautioned the pubIic to remain caIm.

'Upon reports that the product was toxic,

'pubIic heaIth officiaIs visited the quarry in MidIand, Georgia,

'onIy to find it buried in a mass of rubbIe...'

'...more at 1 1 .'

'AIthough the casuaIties were in the thousands,

'American industry has worked with fuII government support

'to save miIIions of other Iives

'and to compensate the injured for their tragic Iosses.

'I am reading these words off a teIeprompter'

because I...

I simpIy didn't know what to say.

The fact of the matter is that...

I'm seIIing you an apoIogy.

'I'm sorry.'

She is a pretty thing, isn't she?

WeII!

WeII, are you here to throw my money back in my face?

- Uh, no. I spent it. - Hm.

You think by dynamiting one quarry you couId shut us down for ever?

You reaIise that stuff seeps up through the Earth any pIace?

WeII, I guess we'II just find those pIaces.

I'm afraid I'm not aIone tonight, Moe.

I suppose you've spent my money as weII, eh?

- You two are in business together! - It was inevitabIe, wasn't it?

The Stuff is finished, of course, but Iook here.

Look at the new campaign for The Taste.

OnIy 12% of The Stuff in it. Just enough to make the pubIic crave for more.

And the baIance is naturaI dairy products.

There won't be enough of The Stuff in it to get a grip on anybody's mind.

- How do you know? - WeII, we tested it.

We tested it in a smaII IIIinois town.

If you tested it, you can taste it.

Oh! You go too far.

I didn't come aIone here, either. I brought aIong a coupIe of friends.

Jason!

- This is no pIace for a kid, Moe. - Oh, he ain't a kid any more.

The Stuff took away his parents and took away his brother.

- You brought another friend? - Yup.

Him.

Now, put that away. You wouIdn't use it in front of the boy.

Like he said, I've been through a Iot.

WeII, you sit right down. Go on, have yourseIf a seat.

We're gonna have a IittIe dinner.

Jason?

- Serve the gentIemen. - A pIeasure.

You recognise that, don't you?

No. Wait...

Make a big oId mountain of it right in front of them.

- Here. - Yes, pass it right on down.

- Dig in yourseIf. - Look! I had nothing to do with it.

You see this hoIe here?

It's getting bigger and bigger, isn't it?

So you'd better eat that or you're gonna eat this.

- Eat it! - How much of it?

You eat as much of it as I want you to eat, untiI I teII you to stop.

TiII it's comin' outta your eyebaIIs.

- Eat it. - You, too, partner.

Eat it!

Mm. Mmm.

Are you eatin' it? Or is it eatin' you?

(Sirens approaching)

(Jason) Here they come. Right on scheduIe.

I guess we did it, Moe.

Enough is never enough.