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Subtitles ripped by Worst
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It's a primary principal of
human resource management.
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- What is?
- I.I.I.I.I.
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Pardon?
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00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,671
Individualised Incentives
Inculcate Inherent Instability.
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I.I.I.I.I
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You've lost me, Gordon.
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What I'm saying, Jack, is
this employee of the month
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competition is not conducive
to good team building.
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Pitting one member of staff
against another introduces
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unhealthy competition to an
otherwise happy team and why?
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00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:55,113
A weekend in Paris!
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You're missing the point, Jack.
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The point is, I'm coming in
tomorrow to present the prize,
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so it's make your mind up time.
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Anyway, the competition seems
to have been a big success.
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00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,193
Everyone has been spurred
on to greater efforts.
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I know you didn't ask but I
thought I'd bring you some tea.
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Must be thirsty
work making decisions!
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00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,119
That's very kind, Julie.
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I know. And I typed out the
contract for the party package.
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- Right...
- That was Gavin's idea?
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00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,399
Not really. He may have thought
of it, but I'm the one who
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developed it to its present
operational status.
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Yes, but it's my niece.
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I've added quite a
few touches myself,
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00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,034
because I'm a
hands-on secretary.
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00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:39,718
Right, thank you, Julie.
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00:01:39,840 --> 00:01:41,751
Do you mind? I'm trying to
be nice to the councillor!
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You see, as a mother myself,
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I think I know what a kiddy
wants from a birthday treat
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and I think you'll find...
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00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:52,358
Er, Julie, I'm the one who's
judging the competition.
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00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,277
Oh, forget it then!
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00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,951
Welcome to Whitbury Leisure
Centre, how may I help you?
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Carole, are you...
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CAROLE SPEAKS IN FRENCH
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Why are you speaking
French, Carole?
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00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,708
Fran�ais? Oh, mais
alors! There I go again!
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00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,558
I've been learning
French for 3 weeks.
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00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:15,954
I'm practically bilingual.
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00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:17,559
I just keep slipping
in and out of it...
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00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,797
Comme ci, comme �a...
Oh, there I go again!
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00:02:20,920 --> 00:02:23,354
You're another one trying to
win this weekend in Paris.
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CAROLE SPEAKS FRENCH
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No, I'm trying to improve
myself, I have ambitions,
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I have European aspirations
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and I'm doing
lingua phonics by night.
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00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,312
You what?
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00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:35,634
I listen to tapes while I sleep.
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00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,034
Not that I get much sleep
with the family DuPont
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chattering away all the
time, but when I wake up
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in the morning I have a
completely new vocabulaire.
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I see, which could be quite
handy on a weekend in Paris.
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That's what I thought.
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00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:50,112
Well Carole, you might be
learning in your sleep,
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but did you know you can also
learn from your sleep?
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- I'm sorry, Mrs Brittas?
- Dreams
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What can we all learn from our
dreams that we don't know?
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I don't know, Mrs Brittas.
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00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,152
I'm holding a dream
workshop tomorrow lunchtime,
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do you think you can come?
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00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,309
I doubt it. During my lunch hour
I like to catch forty winks
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00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,034
with Monsieur and Madame DuPont.
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00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,993
You see Jack, when there are
winners there have to be losers
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00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,917
and that don't
build a good team.
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00:03:16,040 --> 00:03:20,158
One person wins, flies off and
I'm left with a team of losers.
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00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,673
- Yes...
- It's a difficult decision.
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That's what management is about
Gordon, 4 o'clock tomorrow.
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00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:36,788
I'm sorry I'm late, there was
a major blockage this morning.
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00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,194
Don't wanna know, Colin.
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00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:41,118
There was tons of it, Mr
Brittas, a huge pile!
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00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:43,434
Colin, I'm trying
to eat a biscuit.
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And I just had to sit there
and wait, it's so frustrating!
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Colin!
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I'll be glad when they finish
that work near the bypass.
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There was a
three mile tailback
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00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,797
when that earth mover
dumped its load.
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Right, I'm with you now
Colin, what do you want?
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00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,195
The children's
party, Mr Brittas.
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00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:00,514
The birthday party package?
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00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,438
That's it! Well, I know
that I'm down as Uncle Colin
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00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,357
in charge of
cloakroom facilities.
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Yes?
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00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,233
But I wonder if I might
also volunteer myself
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00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:12,114
as Uncle Colin, better
known as... Mister Magic!
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00:04:15,360 --> 00:04:17,316
Sorry?
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00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,634
Mr Magic, Mr Brittas.
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00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,910
I can do a few tricks I
think the kiddies might like
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00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,996
and I've also been
working on my wardrobe.
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00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,873
Well it doesn't show, you always
wear that dreadful cardigan!
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00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,719
No, not my wardrobe, Mr
Brittas, my wardrobe.
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00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:32,515
My actual wardrobe. I've
made it into a magic cabinet!
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00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,113
I could do fifteen minutes
before the birthday party tea?
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00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,993
Aah, right...
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00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:43,908
Well, we do have a window at
3.03 after the trampolining...
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00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,951
Alright Mr Magic, you're on!
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00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,878
Thank you Mr Brittas,
I won't let you down!
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00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,228
Goodbye, Carole.
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00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:52,952
Au revoir, Monsieur DuPont.
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Pardon?
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00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,954
Oh, I'm so sorry
Councillor Druggitt,
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I've been up all night with the
DuPont family on the beach.
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00:05:00,960 --> 00:05:03,394
GAVIN: Councillor Druggitt,
could I have a word?
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00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,318
It's this birthday party package
thing, involving different
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00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:09,113
leisure centre activities.
It was all my idea.
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00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:10,832
And a very good idea it is, too.
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00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:14,077
Yes, actually I've got
quite a lot of good ideas.
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00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:18,079
Yes... look, a word to the wise.
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00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,476
The council will soon assess
funding for next year,
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00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,114
there's a very strong lobby
in favour of privatisation,
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00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,958
I think they might
look favourably
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00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:27,957
on a management
buyout submission,
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00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:30,719
- junior management, of course.
- You mean...
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00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:33,513
It would need to be
someone with a good idea.
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You think I should apply?
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I think you know what I mean.
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00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:40,034
Right...
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00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,196
That's where you got to, Harry.
Come here you little devil!
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00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,436
Now don't go running off again!
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00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:50,394
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Don't do
that Harry, it tickles!
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00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:54,149
Hello boys and girls! I'm
Uncle Colin, Mr Magic!
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00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,590
Hello, Colin... are you
going to an interview?
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00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,790
No, no, I'm rehearsing,
Mrs Brittas.
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00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,592
- You what?
- I'm building up my spot!
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00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,154
Well, you don't need to, it
looks like it's about to burst.
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00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,431
No, no... my routine,
my magic act.
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00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,915
I'm doing a few tricks for the
children's party tomorrow.
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00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:12,031
Oh, I see! That's nice!
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00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,232
What's this then, Mrs
Brittas? 'Dreams Workshop'.
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00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:16,713
Oh, I hope you can come.
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00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,068
Tomorrow could be difficult.
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00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:22,398
It could change your life. I've
been reading this book by Freud,
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00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:25,796
'The Interpretation of
Dreams', oh, it's brilliant!
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00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,832
We can all learn so
much from our dreams.
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00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,315
Our subconscious
needs and desires,
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00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:33,590
our innermost
secrets and fears...
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00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:35,199
Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!
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00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:37,197
Have I touched a nerve?
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00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,514
No, Mrs Brittas, you
haven't, it's Harry!
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00:06:38,640 --> 00:06:40,596
He's on the move again,
the little devil...
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00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:43,436
Gotcha! Just in time.
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00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:46,358
You were saying, Mrs Brittas?
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00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:48,994
Dreams are the door
to our inner selves.
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- In my case it was a grid.
- I'm sorry?
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00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:53,549
That's what I used to dream
about when I was a child.
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00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:57,468
Night after night I'd dream
about this grid in the road,
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and I used to think if only
I could get down there,
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00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:04,512
I'd find somewhere nice and
safe and warm, a sort of den,
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00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:08,269
where me and my imaginary
friends could meet and play.
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00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,311
And, you know, the
funny thing was,
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00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:12,829
there was actually a
grid outside my house,
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00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:15,428
you could see it from
my bedroom window.
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00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:16,788
What does it mean, Mrs Brittas?
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00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:20,071
It means you're a
very sad man, Colin.
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00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:21,394
It was a sewer you see.
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00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:22,953
Yes, yes, I know.
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00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:26,550
I think that's what sparked my
interest in things subterranean.
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00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,875
Harry! Harry! Get
away from there!
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00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,196
They're born tunnelers,
you know, Mrs Brittas.
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00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,159
You were saying?
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00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:41,751
Have you got any other recurring
dreams? I could interpret them.
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00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,950
COLIN: Yeah, when I was
about fourteen, I used to
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00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:47,197
dream about volleyball,
women playing volleyball!
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00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:49,834
but I know what that means!
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00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,032
Auntie Linda is doing the
apparatus and trampolining,
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00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:56,118
Auntie Carole is doing blind
man's buff and pass the parcel,
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00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:59,198
so you can't be Auntie Julie,
I don't need another auntie!
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00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:02,710
But she's my niece!
I am her real auntie!
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00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:05,877
No you're not! Not according
to my roster you're not.
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00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,438
Very well, Mr Brittas.
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00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,950
There doesn't seem to be much
interest in my dreams workshop.
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00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:15,231
Don't worry, darling, I'll deal
with it at the staff meeting,
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00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:18,033
I'll inspire them by
telling them about my dream,
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00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,835
a dream where leisure pursuits
bring peace and harmony.
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00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,396
No, not that sort of dream,
not your vision thing,
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00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,670
no, the sort of dreams you
have at night, you know?
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00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,030
Oh, them! I have some
very interesting ones,
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00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,628
mostly to do with
filing procedures.
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00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,354
Mmm... you'll come
won't you, Julie?
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00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,233
I'm not sure I can. My sister's
bringing Melanie in early
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00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,271
so she can have lunch
with her Auntie Julie.
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00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,436
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
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00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:46,633
Unfortunately, I'll have to tell
her we're no longer related.
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00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,591
Harry! Harry!
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00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,119
Have you lost that
hamster again?
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00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:54,028
Yes.
CAROLE SPEAKS FRENCH
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00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,310
I thought he might have gone
into the toilet but no.
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00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:57,873
Hamsters don't use
toilets, do they?
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00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,753
- Of course not Tim!
- Well, I think it's disgusting.
191
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,189
Ah no, Linda, be fair,
not for a hamster.
192
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:07,512
He couldn't lift the seat,
pull the chain or anything!
193
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:12,749
No! I mean it's disgusting
making animals perform.
194
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,598
They don't perform Linda, I do!
195
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:16,392
CROAKING SOUND
196
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:18,354
What was that?
197
00:09:18,480 --> 00:09:19,754
That was Freddy the frog.
198
00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,552
You mean you've got a
frog in there as well?
199
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:24,399
Oh yes, yes. Freddy's
standing in for Harry,
200
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:27,956
it slightly changes the act,
but I think it'll work.
201
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:31,117
It shouldn't be allowed. Frogs
have rights too, you know.
202
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:33,274
After you, Mr Brittas.
203
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:39,430
Alright everyone, settle down
please, settle down. Hokeydokey!
204
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,597
'Dreams Workshop'
tomorrow lunchtime.
205
00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:46,793
Now it's purely voluntary,
but everyone must attend,
206
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,839
and I want you all to have a
good dream tonight
207
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:52,871
and bring it in with
you tomorrow morning.
208
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:56,192
Right, any questions, please?
209
00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:59,357
- What if I don't have a dream?
- Just make sure you do, Tim.
210
00:09:59,480 --> 00:10:00,674
What if I don't want to
give up my lunch hour?
211
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,028
What if I just don't turn up?
212
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,673
Then you just don't go to Paris!
213
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,472
I'm not bothered about
winning the competition.
214
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:07,670
It's Gavin that's
keen, isn't it?
215
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,031
Right, this employee of
the month competition,
216
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,436
now as you all know I have
my reservations about this,
217
00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,358
where there are winners,
there have to be losers,
218
00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:19,994
so I wanna make sure that
all those who lose, win.
219
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,712
What have you got in
your pocket, Colin?
220
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,958
Two canaries, a pint of milk
and a crystal ball, Mr Brittas.
221
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:35,792
So for the runners up, the
lucky losers, a special prize,
222
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,799
a weekend of bonding, barrier
breaking and team building
223
00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,639
where I tell you everything I
know about the leisure industry.
224
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,318
You must be joking!
225
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,749
Magnificent, Mr Brittas!
May I be a lucky loser?
226
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,838
I didn't want to be employee
of the month, anyway.
227
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,757
Don't worry Colin, you were
never in with a chance.
228
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,798
Thank Goodness for that!
229
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:57,388
- Harry! Harry!
- What is it?
230
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,795
I'm sorry, I thought I saw a
hamster between your legs.
231
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,595
Colin, have you taken leave
of your senses? Sit down!
232
00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:07,077
SQUELCHING SOUND
233
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,358
Colin!
234
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,080
I'm sorry Mr Brittas,
I've sat on a frog!
235
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,676
I've never heard it
called that before!
236
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,117
No, I really have sat on a frog.
237
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:27,879
Linda, show me this enhanced
exercise program of yours.
238
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:32,676
Well, I've increased the output
ratio on this machine by 150% .
239
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:36,839
This means Mr Thompson gets
twice as fit in half the time.
240
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:42,910
Excellent, Linda!
241
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,759
So, will it help me to
win the weekend in Paris?
242
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:48,792
Linda, there's a much
better prize to be won.
243
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,150
Yes... Mr Brittas,
244
00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:54,317
are you going to allow Colin
to exploit those poor animals?
245
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:57,034
That business with the
frog was the absolute end!
246
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,230
Well, I suppose it
was for the frog.
247
00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:03,114
Linda, can you feel
this floor shaking?
248
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,356
I'd switch that machine
off if I were you.
249
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:08,790
I think you've got residual
reverberation, RR.
250
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,436
RUMBLING AND CRACKING
251
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:23,030
[whispers] Helen?
252
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:25,276
- Helen?
- Mmm?
253
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,834
- Are you asleep?
- Mmm.
254
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:32,994
I was just wondering what
sort of dream I should have.
255
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,311
I'm just gonna have my dream now
256
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,670
and I wanted to clear
it with you first.
257
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:40,631
What are you talking
about, Gordon?
258
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,150
Your dreams workshop. What sort
of dream are you looking for?
259
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,874
Oh, just go to sleep!
260
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,560
Alright ...
261
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,155
I could have the one
about filing again?
262
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:02,793
If that's any use to you?
263
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,558
Gordon, if you dream, you dream.
264
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:07,194
It's all subconscious. You
can't plan your dreams.
265
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,992
I can!
266
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,715
Just dream your dream and then
write it down in the morning.
267
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,593
Alright, my darling, goodnight!
268
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:18,318
Night, Gordon.
269
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,390
- Helen?
- What?
270
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,830
When you interpret these
dreams, I was wondering,
271
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,996
is there any topic
I should avoid?
272
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:35,314
Gordon...
273
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,113
I don't want a dream that's
gonna make me look ridiculous,
274
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,800
like the one when
I was a haddock.
275
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,514
Please, go to sleep, Gordon.
276
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:46,594
Will do.
277
00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:57,750
SCRATCHING NOISE
278
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:02,037
What are you doing?
279
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:04,594
BRITTAS: Sharpening my pencil
ready for the morning.
280
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,272
Right.
281
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,755
Fortunately, my darling,
you are married to man
282
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,348
who keeps a pencil sharpener
in his bedside cabinet.
283
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:15,192
Yes.
284
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:23,879
To be on the safe side,
285
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:26,833
I think I'll stick to the
dream about filing procedures.
286
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,269
I couldn't risk being
a haddock again.
287
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,431
Where are the admission figures
for the swimming pool kept?
288
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:40,279
- How do you expect me to know?
- Well, you're secretary...
289
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:44,154
It's Brittas' filing system,
I've not tried to fathom it.
290
00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,919
Our Melanie's really looking
forward to the party.
291
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,190
- My party.
- No, her party.
292
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:52,517
Well, it's her party in that
sense, but it's my concept.
293
00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,756
I mean, the birthday party
package is all down to me.
294
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,313
Other people are
taking all the credit,
295
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:59,432
but if it wasn't for me,
Melanie wouldn't be here.
296
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,199
Ooh, that'll be news
to my brother-in-law!
297
00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,515
COLIN: Right, checklist.
298
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,710
Flags of all nations!
299
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,836
Four pounds of sausages,
Terry the Terrapin,
300
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,838
billiard balls, and the lobster,
301
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:20,235
Then, it's over to you,
Monty! At the given signal,
302
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,955
you will appear out of the
hat, as we rehearsed it.
303
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:28,471
Where did I put
Scotty the Scorpion?
304
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:32,309
Mr Brittas says you should be at
the dreams workshop... murderer!
305
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:35,750
Linda, no-one was more upset
than I was when Freddy died...
306
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,393
... apart from Freddy maybe.
307
00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,829
I think what you're
doing is disgusting!
308
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,030
Not at all! Aah!
309
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,354
What's the matter?
310
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:45,710
Sorry, I have a
lobster in my trousers.
311
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,717
You have a what?
312
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:49,273
From now on, to avoid accidents,
313
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,277
I'm only working with
animals with shells,
314
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,755
scorpions,
lobsters, terrapins.
315
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:58,469
- What about the rabbit?
- Monty is not the rabbit!
316
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,273
He is a colleague,
a personal friend.
317
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,994
Monty and I have known each
other ever since he was...
318
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:06,270
... a little rabbit,
a bunny rabbit
319
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,197
Our destiny's are linked!
320
00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,308
Friend ... go free.
321
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,230
LOUD CRASH
322
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:33,115
So Tim, what happened
next in your dream?
323
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:37,313
I'm running along a beach and
everything's in slow motion.
324
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:39,271
That's Chariots of Fire, Tim.
325
00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:40,992
No... no, it wasn't
like that at all.
326
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,032
I think you'll find it was
Tim, I've seen it six times.
327
00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:47,276
Carry on my darling,
really interesting.
328
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:51,313
Tim, it seems to me that
you're pursuing something ...
329
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:54,079
... a goal maybe,
that's retreating.
330
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,191
Music is by Vangelis.
331
00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,151
SINGS 'Chariots of Fire'
332
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,840
- Gordon!
- Sorry, my angel.
333
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,632
I'm sorry I'm late, Mr Brittas.
334
00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,512
I'm sorry I'm late, Mrs Brittas.
335
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:05,914
Were you late too, Mr Brittas?
336
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,673
- Sit down, Colin!
- I'll stand if I may?
337
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,313
I have a lobster in my trousers!
338
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:14,590
Why?
339
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:17,359
I can't reveal that, Julie,
secrets of the Magic Circle.
340
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,711
Does anyone else have a dream
they'd like to share? Carole?
341
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,799
Well, I was in Paris
walking up the Champs Elysee
342
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:26,831
with the family DuPont,
343
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,270
so, I don't know if it was a
dream or lesson thirty two.
344
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,391
Well, tell us what you saw.
345
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:36,308
I saw the Eiffel Tower
and it grew bigger...
346
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:40,194
and bigger ... and bigger!
347
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,517
Nah, can't think
what that means.
348
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:45,676
Gordon, any fool
knows what that means.
349
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,677
Can I tell you about my dream?
350
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,234
- Fire away, Colin.
- Gordon, please!
351
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:52,635
- [whispers] Sorry...
- Yes, Colin?
352
00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:55,149
I was just outside Hartlepool
353
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,556
and I discovered an
Anglo-Saxon settlement,
354
00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,716
in amongst the
pottery and trinkets
355
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:06,119
was my best find, an Anglo-Saxon
stool, completely intact.
356
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,595
Good, good... well, describe it.
357
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,871
How many legs did it have?
And what was it made of?
358
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,150
It didn't have any
legs, Mrs Brittas,
359
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:16,271
it wasn't that kind of stool.
360
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,556
It was just made of,
well, the usual stuff.
361
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,193
- Okay, who wants a hat?
- ALL: Me, me, me!
362
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,880
There you go, alright, alright.
363
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,638
I'm afraid the
contract clearly states
364
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,716
that the birthday party
package is for eight children
365
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,068
and you've brought ten!
366
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:37,670
Oh, yes I know, but Samantha
wouldn't come without her sister
367
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,711
and then the little girl from
over the road turned up and ...
368
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,513
Well they can't join in
any of the activities.
369
00:18:43,320 --> 00:18:45,914
You can't do that! It's a
children's party!
370
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:47,996
Well, it's my niece's party!
371
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:51,192
Alright Julie, as a concession
I'm prepared to exclude
372
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,550
two children on a rota basis.
373
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:56,677
CHILDREN LAUGH
374
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,997
Oh, I'm sorry, you're not
allowed to watch this.
375
00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:01,712
I wonder where the banana went?
376
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,193
You ate it!
377
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,311
ALL: Yeah, you ate it!
378
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,556
No... I didn't, I didn't, look!
379
00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:09,674
No banana there.
380
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,438
You just swallowed it!
381
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,471
ALL: Yeah, you swallowed it!
382
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:14,919
No, no, it's magic!
383
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:20,034
Now, for my next trick, I
need a volunteer... not you!
384
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,195
You're not allowed
to look at this!
385
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,912
My magic cabinet is here!
386
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,031
It can make you disappear!
387
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,116
Who would like to
give it a whirl?
388
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:34,118
How's about the birthday girl?
389
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,758
Come along then, Melanie.
390
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:40,554
Go through the
doors at the back,
391
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,557
there's a secret
compartment, stay in there.
392
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,794
Now, boys and girls,
what's the magic word?
393
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:48,672
Please!
394
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,028
No, not that magic word.
395
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,628
COLIN: Please is a magic
word, but in actual fact,
396
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,479
the magic word we're looking
for is 'abracadabra'.
397
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:59,036
COLIN: So, after three,
we'll all shout abracadabra.
398
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,799
COLIN: One... two... three!
399
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:04,753
ALL: Abracadabra!
400
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:12,317
I wonder where the birthday
girl's gone? Not a word, you!
401
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:16,028
COLIN: I'll see if we can
bring her back again...
402
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,390
Let's try abracadabra again!
403
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,158
[aside] Okay, Melanie,
you can come out now.
404
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:23,192
One... two... three!
405
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,153
ALL: Abracadabra!
406
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,359
Ta dum!
407
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:33,874
Maybe we didn't shout it loud
enough. Let's try it again!
408
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,752
[quietly] Come on out
Melanie, there's a good girl.
409
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,432
COLIN: One... two... three!
410
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,028
ALL: Abracadabra!
411
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:49,197
ALL: Abracadabra!
412
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:55,714
Abracadabra! Abracadabra!
Abracadabra! Abracadabra!
413
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:57,353
Shut up!!
414
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,675
Can't you see she's dissapeared!
415
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:03,393
Well, where is she then?
416
00:21:03,480 --> 00:21:05,869
I'm not exactly
sure, Mr Fazakerley.
417
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:08,070
She was enjoying the
party very much...
418
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,350
... up until she disappeared.
419
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:15,110
Do you think maybe I've
actually got magic powers?
420
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,798
Don't be stupid!
421
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,310
Don't adopt that tone
with Uncle Colin.
422
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,874
You're not exactly in a
position to criticise, are you?
423
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:24,558
Even if a child
has been mislaid,
424
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:25,954
you're still one over the odds!
425
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:30,760
Mind you, it's good news
for Samantha's sister.
426
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,871
Gavin, put her down
for birthday cake.
427
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,513
Sod this, we've gotta find her!
428
00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,154
Gavin, you take the squash
courts and the dance studio...
429
00:21:37,280 --> 00:21:38,554
Julie, Julie, Julie!
430
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:41,752
Cath, Rog, you come with me.
It'll be alright, I promise.
431
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,077
Haven't you forgotten
something? Procedure 4 7b.
432
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:48,954
Lost property. Strategy for
location recovery thereof...
433
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:52,356
Exactly, Colin! She's going
about it in all the wrong way.
434
00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:54,311
Let's start at the
very beginning.
435
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,271
That's a very good
place to start!
436
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,991
I hope they still like
the cake. I spent a lot...
437
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,714
Will you shut up about the cake!
438
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,308
The birthday party package
wasn't all my idea you know.
439
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,476
- Yes, it was!
- No, not entirely!
440
00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:08,318
Yes, it was! You said
it was a good idea.
441
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,431
It is a good idea in principle.
442
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:12,755
But my idea was to have the
birthday party first and then...
443
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,235
- Lose the guest of honour.
- No... no!
444
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:16,759
Wait a minute, Colin.
445
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,713
Oh, no! Monty's
disappeared as well!
446
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:22,431
Colin!
447
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,396
Pass me a rope please, Colin.
448
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:34,952
Shall I let you
down, Mr Brittas?
449
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:37,952
I think you already have, Colin.
450
00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,717
Have you got any other children?
451
00:22:41,840 --> 00:22:43,671
'Cause I always
think that helps.
452
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,070
I know when I lose one
of mine I always think,
453
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,636
''Oh well, not to worry, I've
got three more at home''.
454
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:55,035
I'm going to thump
you in a minute!
455
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:01,913
This is very strange!
456
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,473
It certainly is.
457
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:06,160
It reminds me of a dream
I used to have as a child.
458
00:23:06,280 --> 00:23:07,633
I used to go down this grille
459
00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,069
and there was this
underground world.
460
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,670
Yeah, it is like a
dream... a bad one!
461
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,115
Maybe that's what is
actually is, Mr Brittas!
462
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:19,231
Maybe one of us is dreaming?
463
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:21,639
Sorry?
464
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,194
But is it you, or is it me?
465
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:25,919
What?
466
00:23:26,040 --> 00:23:28,793
Can you see any women
volleyball players?
467
00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,717
Of course I can't!
468
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:35,470
Then it's your dream! Can I say,
it's an honour to be in it!
469
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,079
Shut up, Colin!
470
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,952
RUMBLING NOISE
471
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,235
Colin, there's a
hamster by your foot.
472
00:23:43,360 --> 00:23:46,193
Thank you, Mr Brittas, you're
dreaming about Harry for me.
473
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,949
No, I'm not, there's a hamster
by your foot, pick it up.
474
00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:54,511
- Mr Brittas, you don't think...
- No!
475
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:56,358
They're born
tunnellers, you know.
476
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,950
It's a bit ambitious
Colin, even for Harry.
477
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:03,470
Mr Brittas, there's a light
at the end of the tunnel.
478
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,477
Yes Colin, there usually is.
479
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,838
Afternoon, Carole.
480
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:12,953
MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY
481
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:14,433
What's going on?
482
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,232
Apparently we've lost a child.
483
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:18,920
CAROLE SPEAKS FRENCH
484
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,111
Business as usual then.
485
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,630
Aha! I wonder what's in here.
486
00:24:30,760 --> 00:24:32,318
It'll be a den.
487
00:24:34,880 --> 00:24:35,949
Are you the surveyors?
488
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,638
We're miles off
course, you know.
489
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,638
WORKER: I said to Tommy this
is never the way to Bristol.
490
00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:42,955
I blame the site
foreman. He said to Mick,
491
00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,833
''Just follow your nose''.
Have you seen Mick's nose?
492
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:48,759
What are you doing here?
493
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,917
We're building the Bristol
spur to the Channel Tunnel.
494
00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:55,271
Are you responsible for the
hole in my Leisure Centre?
495
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,834
Very probably. It's
a ventilation shaft,
496
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,270
but we should have turned
left at the bypass.
497
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:02,719
It's Monty, isn't it?
498
00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:05,912
No, it's Donal. Monty's down the
tunnel working on the rail line,
499
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:07,632
now that the
Eurostar has gone through.
500
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,274
No, no, no, this
is Monty, my rabbit.
501
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,709
Colin, never mind your rabbit!
502
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:14,956
Have you seen a
little girl down here?
503
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,958
No sir, it's an
entirely male workforce.
504
00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:21,152
No, I mean a little girl,
seven, eight years old.
505
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:22,838
Eight today
actually, Mr Brittas.
506
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,598
Good heavens, no!
507
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,678
They'd never employ an
eight year old girl...
508
00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:28,994
she wouldn't be able
to lift a shovel!
509
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,759
Come on, Colin, we're
getting nowhere.
510
00:25:31,880 --> 00:25:33,836
Yes we are, we're
getting to Bristol!
511
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,679
It's just that we're
taking the scenic route.
512
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,072
Just go away! Go and
counsel someone else!
513
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:41,872
But this is a big chance for me!
514
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:43,956
I've read a whole
chapter on bereavement.
515
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:47,390
I'm gonna thump you
as well in a minute!
516
00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:49,636
Calm down, you've had a
bad enough day as it is,
517
00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:51,398
you don't want a broken
arm to go with it!
518
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:53,670
All I'm saying is, would
you put in a good word
519
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,153
about the cake, that's all.
520
00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:56,838
TELEPHONE RINGS
521
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,954
Hello? Sorry?
522
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,798
Are you drunk or something?
523
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,758
Oh, he's French.
524
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:12,751
Yes? No, I'm afraid my bilingual
receptionist is unconscious
525
00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,952
at the moment, but I do
speak a little French myself.
526
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:19,949
'Ow can I 'elp yew?
527
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,278
Je suis the manager.
528
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:28,313
Really? Excellent!
529
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:29,634
Come on, Colin...
530
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:35,350
Alright everyone, calm
down please, calm down.
531
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:39,837
Mrs Fazakerley, dry those tears,
I've found your daughter!
532
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:41,314
Where is she?
533
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,795
Well, I say found her,
I have located her.
534
00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:44,989
Where is she?
535
00:26:45,120 --> 00:26:48,430
Presently she's somewhere
underneath the English Channel,
536
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,949
hurtling towards
France on a Eurostar.
537
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:52,399
What's she doing on that?
538
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,954
Playing I-spy with
the driver apparently.
539
00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,435
They've got stuck on
'T' for tunnel! Ha!
540
00:26:58,400 --> 00:26:59,799
How did she get on a train?
541
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:01,114
Illegally!
542
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:03,515
I think the phrase is,
she jumped the freight,
543
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:04,959
you're gonna have to
go and pick her up.
544
00:27:05,080 --> 00:27:09,471
Councillor Druggitt 'Employee
of the Month' competition.
545
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,672
The prize is a weekend in Paris!
546
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:15,951
We'll take those and
I'm going to sue you!
547
00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:19,268
Councillor, if I were you,
I'd close this place down.
548
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:21,679
All these people here...
549
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:27,079
... they're a bunch of
useless... sad... incompetents!
550
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,839
That's gratitude for you!
551
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:35,793
Right, where were we? 'Employee
of the Month' competition,
552
00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:37,638
the prize this month goes to...
553
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:39,751
- He's just taken it!
- It doesn't matter.
554
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,952
- The prize this month...
- There is no prize!
555
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:47,790
Exactly! The prize this
month goes to... nobody!
556
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,993
Because it would be invidious
to single out any one
557
00:27:52,120 --> 00:27:54,350
of my excellent hardworking
members of staff.
558
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:55,674
Oww...
559
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,313
Don't be upset, Colin.
560
00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,635
- Oww...
- Don't be disappointed, Colin.
561
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:01,079
Oww!
562
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,555
I told you, you were
never in with a chance!
563
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:05,318
It's not that, Mr Brittas.
564
00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:08,876
I think I've just found
Scottie the Scorpion!
565
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:12,834
TITLE MUSIC
44138
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