All language subtitles for The.Brittas.Empire.S07E02.DVDRip.en

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Julie, can you come in
and take a letter, please?

Come on, get on with it,
I'm eating a yogurt.

Thank you, Julie.

Right, ''Dear Councillor Druggitt,
re. your memo of the 1 4th inst.

I'm seeking clarification
on council policy

regarding the buying in
of alternative services.

Can I take it this
does not refer to

alternative religious services,
as was first thought.

If so, I shall inform the
Reverend Bernie Simpson,

that he can't hold voodoo
sacrifices in the squash courts.

Yours etc, etc...

Oh, PS. Most of the chicken
blood is now off the walls.

Greg, mind me yogurts!

How long's this gonna
go on for, Julie?

Just until the trial.
Is that it, then?

VOICES SHOUTING

Ooh, he's at it again!

Gordon, there's a man out there!

That's Greg, he's with me.

But Gordon, he's just...

I know my darling, he's doing
it to everyone, it's his job.

Really...

I've got an important meeting
to go to. What is it you want?

Money, cash, lots of it.

Is this for your
counselling course?

No, no, it's not. Come
on, I'm in a hurry, too.

- What's it for?
- How do you expect me to know?

If I'm giving you money,
I'd like to know why.

So would I, but that's
not how it's done, is it?

Come on, get a move
on, empty your pockets!

Before we start the meeting
everyone, a little question,

has anyone noticed anything
unusual this morning? Colin?

Yes, Mr Brittas, I have,
something most unusual,

there was a woodpecker in
my garden this morning.

No, Colin.

I found this little
mangled body on the step,

COLIN: I think a
cat probably got it.

No, Colin, anything
unusual here.

There's a man with a gun
at the back of the room.

That's right,
Linda, well spotted!

I expect you'd all
like to know why?

I think we would
really, Mr Brittas.

- Well I can't tell you, Linda.
- Why not?

That information is on a
strictly ''need to know'' basis.

- We need to know!
- No, you don't Tim.

- May I know, Mr Brittas?
- No.

Well, as Deputy Manager, I
need to know, Mr Brittas.

No, you don't. Only I
know who needs to know.

- I don't need to know?
- No.

- I don't need to know anything.
- No, that's right, Colin.

He's with me. He's my
Rapid Response Unit.

Anything you need
to know, ask me.

Right, thank you,
Julie, for that.

Now before I forget,
after the meeting, Tim,

birth certificate, my office.

- Ah, the thing is...
- Have you brought it in?

- Yes, but you said...
- Good!

Moving on, in the interests
of monitoring and evaluating

the efficient delivery of our
service to the community,

I'm gonna initiate
a staff review.

Oh, how lovely, Mr Brittas!

With sketches and songs.
May I play the piano?

No Carole, it's not
that sort of review.

It's a sequentially generated
staff performance review.

Sorry, Mr Brittas?

Basically Carole, each one of
us undertakes and delivers,

a free and frank appraisal
of a colleague's performance.

This assessment will ascertain
the optimum attainment levels

of that colleague in pursuance
of their operational duties.

I think he means how well
we're doing in our jobs.

That's one way of
putting it Tim, yes.

I want them by tomorrow, please.

- Tomorrow?
- Yes, first thing, please.

Gavin, I'll do you if you do me.

Er, no. You can't do that, Tim.

You see, this is a sequentially
generated performance revue,

which means that each
one of us has to report

on a colleague
directly junior to us.

For example, I shall
be reporting on Colin.

- Really, Mr Brittas?
- Yes, Colin.

I don't know what to say.
I'm moved, deeply moved,

and honoured. If there's
anything I can do for you...

There is, Colin. You
can report on Gavin,

- Gavin can...
- No, that can't be right!

I'm not junior to Colin,
I'm Deputy Manager.

He's just a glorified handyman.

I beg your pardon?

You spend most of the day with
your hand down the toilet!

Up the toilet, if
you don't mind?

Don't you know
anything about U-bends?

Please, please, please,
please. The point is Gavin,

Colin is Deputy Manager, you're
only acting Deputy Manager.

But he doesn't even do
the job, Mr Brittas!

Yes, I do! The fact I was
removed from certain pool duties

due to an attack of
scaberous dandruff,

is neither here nor there.

Most of it's actually
still there, Colin.

But anyway Gavin, you shall
be reporting on Julie,

Julie will be doing Carole...

Whilst I appreciate that
we're on the same grade,

I have always assumed
that I was senior to her.

I mean, after all,
I have been here longer.

Yeah, but she gets
paid more than you do.

Does she?

Quite a lot more actually, yes.

Anyway, you shall be
reporting on Linda,

and last but not least,
Linda will be assessing Tim.

So I don't have to
report on anyone, then?

Oh yes you do, Timothy.

You see, this is a 360�
appraisal, which means

the subject of your free
and frank appraisal,

will be... think about it...

- You, Mr Brittas.
- Correct!

So, I have to say how well
I think you do your job?

- That's it.
- And I can say what I like?

You can say all the things
you like about me, Tim.

Any chance of a bit of
reflexology, Linda?

Oh yes, you do
seem a bit tense...

Do I? Oh good, get
a move on, then.

Now, have you had
reflexology before?

Yeah, once, I hated it.

I can't bear people
fiddling with my feet.

Well, just sit back
and try to relax...

No, I don't want to
relax, I want to be tense.

I want to be like
a coiled spring.

Sorry, I don't understand.

I'm going to an auction, so
I need to be fully alert,

get the adrenaline going.

Oh, it's great! You can
get some real bargains.

Last week I got an Edwardian
bicycle pump for L1 25.

Really? How much is it worth?

About a tenner, but
that's not the point.

The point is, I got
it, I outbid everyone!

Oh, it's a fantastic feeling!

Oww, that's horrible! Can
you do it to this foot now?

Tim, in a 360� appraisal,
we're all linking arms,

we're holding hands, we're
coming together as a whole.

You don't build a hole, do
you? I mean, you dig a hole?

No, not a hole, a
whole... a w...hole.

Sorry?

A whole, not a
hole in the ground,

but a whole with a 'w', see?

A hole with a WC?

No, not... just give me your
birth certificate please, Tim.

Oh, do I have to? There are
certain things in it which...

The DSS has lost you
Tim, they can't find you.

I'm here!

Yeah, but where are your
pension contributions?

There's ten years worth
of National Insurance

whacking about the computer
with nowhere to go.

They need to have your details.

Oh, alright, but just let
me say this, Mr Brittas.

Things aren't always
what they seem.

No, but they usually are
Timothy, they usually are.

Right, name, Timothy Whistler,
date of birth... hang about,

this is not your birth
certificate Tim.

- Yes it is.
- No, it's the certificate of...

Yes, yes, I know what it
says. That's my real name.

What, Timothy Goebbles?

- Yes.
- Your name is Goebbles?

No, not anymore.

I'm sorry Tim, you're losing me.

Look, I was born Goebbles,
my mother was German.

Right, and your father...

''Not known''.

So, legally speaking
Tim, you're a German?

Who exactly are you, Tim?

Tim... Tim Goebbles, but I
wanted to keep it private.

What, Private Goebbles?

Look, I got rid of Goebbles
years and years ago.

What, you killed him?

No, I just became Whistler.

So who's this Whistler?

There is no Whistler! I
just made it up, alright?

No, it's not alright. You
can't just make yourself up.

Does this Timothy Whistler
have a birth certificate?

- No.
- National Insurance number?

No.

Are there any legal documents
at all for Timothy Whistler?

No!

So there's nothing to prove
that Timothy Whistler exists?

Well no, apart from the
fact that I am here.

Not according to
the DSS, Timothy.

To them you're a non-person,

and you can't argue with
a government department.

Legally speaking
you are not here,

so as far as I'm concerned
young man, you don't exist,

there
is no Timothy Whistler.

Assume the position!

And which position would
sir like me to assume?

That's enough Greg, put it away!

Oh he's not upsetting
you is he, Carole?

Of course not.

A professional receptionist
is never upset.

She is trained to deal
with every eventuality

with courtesy, respect
and patience... CRAP.

You'll find professionalism
is my middle name.

You might like to put
that in your report.

- Where's this letter, then?
- Here it is.

Now listen, have you
started doing your report,

I've started mine on Linda, I'm
giving her a glowing report.

Oh Greg, it's another one...

''I'll get you in the end!''

This is the fourth one I've
had, threatening letters.

''I'm coming for you'', ''You
can run but you can't hide'',

''Make my day'', someone's
trying to kill me.

It's beginning to
get on me nerves!

Zero 1 , this is PCGE,
yeah, another one.

With respect Julie,
who'd want to kill you?

I ask, of course, with
courtesy and patience.

Professional hit men. Do
you remember a year ago,

I saw that robbery? well,
they're coming up for trial.

I'm the star prosecution
witness, apparently.

So they're trying
to get rid of me,

that's why Greg's here,
police protection.

4 7, 51 , 10/4, ten minutes.

Is he talking to Headquarters?

No, Ho Won, the
Chinese takeaway.

I've never known anyone eat so
much, morning, noon and night.

You mean, he's with you...

Yeah, 24 hours. He never sleeps,
which is quite good really,

because he's the one who
gets up and feeds the baby.

How does Alex take to that?

- Alex?
- Your Alex, the baby's father.

Oh, him! No, I haven't seen
him since I chucked him.

It's very difficult being
a single parent, isn't it?

I know, though I would never let
it adversely affect my work.

Perhaps you might like to
put that in your report?

Oh, I'm not doing one of
those, I can't be fagged.

Why not? You must, it's very
important, it's my career,

I want to get on, I want to
make something of my life.

Well I just want
to hang on to mine.

- Are you spying on me?
- Yes!

Haven't you got
anything better to do?

No toilets to unblock?

I'm assessing your
optimum attainment level

in pursuance of your
operational duties,

so, frankly Mr.
Acting Deputy Manager,

I've yet to find out
what those duties are.

Oh, give it a rest!

Insubordination...

So what are you doing
out here then? Skiving?

No, I'm making sure that there
is no un-authorised parking.

I see... Skiving!

On Mr Brittas' orders?

No Colin, some of us don't
need to be told what to do,

some of us use initiative.

Going behind Mr Brittas' back,

in an attempt to
undermine his authority.

I notice that there are
no illegally parked cars.

- No, thanks to me.
- No thanks to Gavin.

I'm going, I've got a job to do.

Well make sure you don't
block the toilet again!

I'm sorry Mrs Brittas, I'm
afraid you can't park there.

What?

These spaces are
for... No, nothing!

you park wherever you want!

I've had a fantastic afternoon
Colin, I went to the auction.

L35, miscellaneous bric-a-brac!

Brilliant! I got such
a buzz I went blind!

Are you alright now? Are you
sure you should be driving?

I mean I was bidding unseen.

There could be anything
in here, it's a sort of...

Pandora's box!

No, no, it's mine,
I outbid everyone.

It's like a sort of lucky dip.

There's a... a...

Mrs Brittas, I haven't seen
one of those since I was 1 2!

What is it?

It's a pea shooter, though
interestingly enough,

seldom used for the
shooting of peas.

I used chewed up blotting
paper. Over a three-year period

I managed to cover the entire
ceiling of the chemistry lab!

Well, you have it
then Colin, keep it.

No, no, I couldn't.

Yes, yes, you must.
You see Colin,

It's important to
learn how to give,

but it's just as important
to learn how to receive.

That's on this week's
counselling course,

it's called transactional
psychosynthesis.

Fascinating, I expect.

You see, the act of receiving
is itself an act of generosity.

By accepting my gift to you, you
give me the pleasure of giving,

I derive pleasure from giving.

I should be thanking you.

So, thank you Colin, thank you.

No, no, thank you.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Clear the pool,
please. Everyone out!

BRITTAS: Unsupervised swimming
is against council regulations.

Oh, but Mr Brittas, I'm here.

Due to an oversight it would
appear that no one is on duty.

What are you talking about?

Ah Linda, I'm glad
you've arrived,

could you take over, please? I'm
afraid the pool has been left

without a qualified lifeguard.

- What about Tim?
- Who?

Tim. Tim, there! Tim Whistler.

I'm sorry, there
is no Tim Whistler.

It is now safe to
return to the pool,

BRITTAS: Linda is here,
she's a qualified lifeguard,

BRITTAS: everyone back
in the pool, please.

Oh, thank you, Mrs
Brittas, it's lovely!

I think it's gilt, isn't it?

No, no, I don't
feel guilt anymore,

it's a simple act of
giving and receiving,

one friend to another.

No, I mean gilt as in gold,
not as in, oh, you know...

I'm so sorry, it's all my fault.

What is? Do you want
to come and see me

for some counselling, you
know, to talk about it?

- Talk about what?
- These feelings of guilt.

And, well, I suppose,
low self-esteem.

I don't have any
low self-esteem.

Oh come on, you must have.

No, no I don't, not after
my assertive training.

Yeah, but that
didn't work, did it?

Yes! Yes, it did! Mostly...

It's good to talk Carole, you
can turn things around, I did.

You could be like me.

Really?

Let's see if we can
find something for Ben!

Oh look, here's a
little water pistol.

Now something for the twins.

Oh, look at this!

I've been to Gravesend...

Oh, Gravesend!

There used to be a lovely
little bistro on the river,

called, 'The Lonely Mariner'.

I'm sure he has very
low self-esteem.

Carole, where's Colin?

He's gone through to the
staff restroom, Mr Brittas.

Gordon, I've been to Gravesend!

Have you, my darling?
That was quick!

No, look, this is for you,
''I've been to Gravesend''.

You've been all the way
down to Gravesend to buy me

a cigarette case? You know
I don't approve of smoking.

No, it's a present, a souvenir.

It's supposed to
make you remember.

But I've never smoked, my angel.

Just take it!

Don't be so selfish, learn
to receive... graciously.

What are you doing, Colin?

I'm timing Gavin, Mr Brittas.

He told me he had a job to do,

but I didn't think it
would be this big a job.

He's been in there
for 23 minutes.

Colin!

He's skiving, Mr Brittas.

According to a recent
time and motion study,

the average duration
of a bowel movement

in this country is 6
minutes and 70 seconds,

There are regional variations
due to dietary considerations.

You can take a fibre, curry,
Brussels sprouts, and so on.

Colin...

But 23 minutes is pushing
it in anybody's language!

While you've been in here timing
what Gavin is doing in there,

officially speaking, no
one has been manning the pool.

Tim's supposed to
be manning the pool.

I'm afraid to say, that
officially speaking,

Timothy Whistler does not exist.

But I saw him less
than an hour ago!

Ah, you may have
thought you saw him.

I'm with you now, Mr Brittas!

It's a bit of a philosophical
poser, isn't it, eh?

Does Timothy
Whistler still exist

when I can no longer see that
he exists? It's Descartes!

No, it's Goebbles.

No, no, I'm sure it's Descartes!

I read it on the back
of a Weetabix box,

''Great thinkers through
history'', seeing is believing.

Take this chair...

Colin, what are you
rabbiting on about?

Your philosophical
conundrum, Mr Brittas.

Now, I can see that this chair
exists, but does it still exist

if I close my eyes and
can no longer see it?

No, Colin, and that's
coming out of your wages.

Assume the position!

I'm sorry about this, I
had to bring Greg down.

You see, he has to go
everywhere with me,

but that means I have
to everywhere with him,

and he needs to go, badly.

Come on Greg.

Er, Julie, you can't go
into the Gents' with him.

I know that, we
go to the Ladies'.

GAVIN YELLS

COLIN: 24 minutes, 50 seconds.

Bye Carole, see you tomorrow.

Linda, before you go, when was
it you won 'Best of Breed'?

- Sorry?
- Which year in the county show?

It was when I was four, and
my dog won, not me. Why?

Oh, I'm putting
it in the report.

Chapter 4, little Linda's
lurcher is top dog.

Do you really need
to know all this?

It's supposed to
be a job appraisal?

This is background information,
it's absolutely essential.

If it's worth doing,
it's worth doing well.

BEN LAUGHS

Ben, stop it!

It's the, er, water pistol.

Here's your cocoa.

Thank you, my darling.

Oh, it's thank you
now, is it? Tut!

Do I sense a certain
atmosphere, my sweet?

I don't think you
sense anything.

Sensitivity isn't your
strong point, is it Gordon?

Is this about the
cigarette case?

Well, of course it is...

I gave a little present to
everyone in the Centre today,

giving and receiving. Everyone
accepted graciously...

... except you.

I'm sorry, my darling. I didn't
realise it meant so much to you,

I will treasure it, I will
keep it next to my heart.

How could you forget Gravesend?

I've never been to Gravesend.

Oh no? So where were you on my
birthday two years ago then?

Two years ago? Let
me see... Of course!

Management training weekend at
Hemel Hempstead, wasn't it?

Can I get you some
more cocoa, Gordon?

No thank you, my darling.

I do love you really, you know.

Yes, I know you do.

I don't deserve you,
I'm such a fool!

I'm always jumping to
the wrong conclusions,

I'm always getting things wrong.

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, you're not!

So I'm wrong again?

Pardon?

I bet I got all the other
presents wrong, too.

They probably didn't want them,
they were just being polite.

Oh God, I feel so stupid now.

Why did I feel the need to give
everyone a present anyway?

I expect you thought you
were doing it for the best,

but remember, you
can't buy friendship.

Is that what I was doing?

I remember when I was at
school, we had one little lad

who always carried a bag of
sweeties around with him.

He always gave sweets to
all the other boys and girls

because he wanted them
to be his friends,

but do you think he could
buy their friendship?

No...

No, it didn't work for me then,

and it's not going
to work for you now.

So, if you never knew your
father's name, why Whistler?

He was a whistler, you
see, he was a guide,

and his whistle was the signal
that the coast was clear,

he was East German, he never
came across himself.

No, but your mother came across.

So, so beautiful...

I'd have used the sewers myself!

Assume the position!

Give it a rest Greg, heel, sit.

Right, morning all, staff
performance review time.

I hope you've all got
your reports finished

because they're gonna
help me enormously

with my process
re-engineering strategy.

- What's that then?
- Any questions?

- Yes, what's that then?
- None at all?

Yes, Mr Brittas,
what's that then?

What's that then?
Good question, Gavin.

Process re-engineering strategy
creates an efficient machine.

I think it's going to
make somebody redundant.

Right Linda, can I have
your report on me, please?

I have done one on Tim.

I've done one on
you, it's a belter!

I'm afraid you have been
wasting your time then, Linda.

According to the DSS,

we do not have an employee
called Timothy Whistler.

Right Julie, your report
on Carole, please.

Oh, I couldn't be fagged!

- I beg your pardon?
- I haven't done one.

Julie, this is very bad.

D' you wanna want to
make something of it?

No... no hurry, in
your own time. Gavin!

Er, it's my writing
hand, Mr Brittas.

Ah... Colin, where's
your report on Gavin?

Who knows Mr Brittas?

Sorry?

Does it exist?
Did it ever exist?

Do I exist? Is life but a dream?

Has he been cleaning out
the septic tank again?

Does an object still exist in
the room after I have left?

Our old friend Descartes.

Colin, I just want
the flaming report!

Well that's what I am trying
to tell you, Mr Brittas.

I was finishing my report
in the pub last night,

not a very complimentary
one I must say,

so if you are looking
for redundancies...

Get on with it!

I was finishing my report,
which I put on a table,

while I nipped for...

... for a comfort break,

and when I got back, the report
was gone, it no longer exists!

Descartes strikes again!

Well, I am appalled, I am...

A wally.

I've finished mine, Mr Brittas.

I've called it,
''Love conquers all''.

It's a heart-warming saga of a
young girls passionate quest

for fulfillment
through fitness.

Linda's heart
swelled with pride

and the colour
rose in her cheeks

as she threw open the
doors to the gymnasium.

What a day to...

What sort of drivel
is this, Carole?

I did my best, Mr Brittas.

I thought I'd make it more
interesting, more in depth.

Yes, well frankly Carole,
you're out of your depth.

Thank you, Mr Brittas.

What conclusions can we
draw from the staff review?

That it has been
a great success,

because it has been
a total failure.

What a jerk!

It's been proved that
we don't have the time

to do our everyday jobs and
to report on each other.

We're overworked
and understaffed.

There was a potentially
life-threatening incident

in the pool, because it
was left unattended.

You prat!

Which means we have a vacancy
for a pool attendant.

Applicants should have
a polite personality,

previous experience
as a lifeguard

and be able to prove they exist.

WALKIE TALKIE MESSAGE

Yeah?

OPERATOR: Code 1 4. Protection
suspended. Return to base.

Okay, Roger.

What was Roger on
about? What's Code 1 4?

They're pleading guilty, you
won't be going to court.

You don't need protection.

Aww, but I was enjoying
myself, it's been fun!

And you get served
much quicker in the pub

when you're with a
gun-toting bodyguard.

The thing is, Mr Brittas,
I'm a little bit worried

because you haven't actually
mentioned your report on me.

Don't worry Colin, it's
generally pretty good,

it's hovering between
a B+ and a B++.

Oh, bless you Mr Brittas!

I was so nervous,
it's such a relief!

Yeah, so I see...

Oh no, that wasn't me, that
was Ben the little scamp!

Ben and his water pistol!

I took the liberty
of confiscating it.

Oww! Oww!

- Oh, shut up!
- What did you do that for?

I've learnt to give,
I've learnt to receive,

and now I'm learning to
take back what's mine!

Yes, and I've told Tim to apply.

Mrs Brittas?

- Come on, give!
- Sorry?

The water pistol, where is it?

Well, Ben had a little accident
and Colin took it away.

He had no right to! I'm the
one who's taking things away.

- Where's yours?
- My what?

The book.

Oh, this? I'm enjoying it
actually, it's really good!

Tough luck!

And don't expect Gordon to
give you any sweets either.

We don't buy friendship.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, I, er, understand there's
a vacancy for a pool attendant?

Indeed. And you are...

Timothy, Timothy Goebbles.

Good, Mr Goebbles.

Have a seat, please. Have you
done this sort of work before?

Oh, come on, Mr Brittas,
you know I have.

Excellent! Well Tim,
may I call you Tim?

Well, that is my name...

You can't always be sure, I have
been caught out in the past.

Well, I'm glad to say that
you've interviewed very well,

Mr Goebbles, you've got the job!

As simple as that?

Yes, well in fact no, because
you're German, aren't you?

No, my mother was German...

You are, in fact, a Euro import.

Now, council regulations mean
I won't be employing you,

but I will be buying
in your services.

Sorry.

And as a freelance, I won't be
able to pay you the same wage.

- Yeah, that figures.
- No, I'll be paying you more.

Really?

In Deutschemarks. You see,
as a contract employee,

you come from a different
part of the budget,

you are an EC acquisition,
alternative services.

Paying you more represents
a considerable saving.

It's called,
creative accountancy.

Sorry, I don't understand...

I'm not surprised, it's
a full weekend course!

Anyway, welcome to Whitbury
New Town Leisure Centre!

I've got most of them back
and I don't think I've got

a single friend left
in the building.

Is that alright, Gordon?
Just gotta find Colin now.

- Oh, Julie...
- JULIE: Yeah?

These flowers have arrived
for you and this letter.

Greg, it's another one. I'm not
out of the woods yet, oh god!

Another threat?

''You're going to be mine
forever, please marry me,

your little lamb chop, Alex''.

It all makes sense
now, what a berk!

''I'll get you in the
end'', ''Make my day''.

It's Alex proposing again.
It's been him all along.

How nice, love conquers all!

You don't have to
go just yet, do you?

Because there could be other
people trying to kill me

but they just haven't
bothered to write.

You'll love it here, Tim. I know
I do. This place is my life!

Go on, give it to him.

Ah, Mr Brittas, here's
the gun and shooter.

MRS BRITTAS: Gordon!

Look what you've done!

This was a present from
my wife you vandal.

He's ruined it, darling.

It saved your life! ''I've
been to Gravesend...''

Well, I'm glad you did now!

Colin, are you alright?

Fine, thank you, Mr Brittas.

I've just been shot through
the head, that's all.

A mere flesh wound, I'll
be back to work on Monday.

I can't let the side down when
we are under staffed, eh?

Good man Colin, I'll
put it in your report.

Thank you, Mr Brittas,
and may I say,

it's an honour to share
the same bullet with you.

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